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Defining moment that you realised your relationship was over(185 Posts)
As it sounds, really. Not sure if this has been done already but was there something your partner did / said that made you realise it would have to end?
When I found the texts between him and the OW (of the time - she is his girlfriend now). Had already discovered the affair but had naively thought that when he said he wasn't sure if he wanted her and that he wanted us to try again that it was actually a complete lie.
Found out about his affair - decided to give it a go until he used the word 'DUTY'
No thanks pal - jog on - don't want to be anyone's duty.
Yes, there was a moment when I knew our 20 year marriage was over, although I'd been trying to decide whether to stay or go for about 5 years (!) when it happened.
He started muttering under his breath about what a bad wife I was. Passive aggressive - didn't even come out and say it but I heard him. I went over to look at whatever crime it was I'd committed this time and I'd forgotten to put one glass away after emptying the dishwasher.
And that was it.
When he rolled in pissed at 7am and we had a Relate appointment at 9.
After he put his hands around my neck,he never strangled me though but it was still the final straw and it definitely wasn't the worst thing he ever did in our relationship..
I pretended everything was ok for a day or two then packed my bags and ran as soon as he went out for the day,did go back and face the music as it were but didn't take him back thank god.
When she told me she had been shagged a bloke from work, he finished with her so asked me to tell his wife, so he knew how she felt . Bye, bye 20 years gone in a five minute conversation.
On NYE 2008 when the clock struck midnight and everyone else in the pub was kissing and jumping around hugging and he never moved from the spot - was having an EA at that point - I've never felt so lonely in a room full of people.
Still took another five years for it to finish but yeah that was the moment.
When I was very very ill and he slapped me round the face during sex as apparently I told him 'I liked it rough' ... dear reader I slapped him back then threw all his stuff on the front lawn (this was the breaking point after months of abuse)
When I was sitting in the car while he popped into a local shop and, looking for the tin of glucose sweets in the glove compartment, to give to fractious toddlers in back seat, found a sexy card declaring his love to an OW ... who happened to be my Best Friend Mind you, I stuck it out for another seventeen years for the sake of the kids, while he carried on with her and other trollops. BIG mistake, as I know now and I DON'T recommend it!
When he made me apologise to him after he'd shouted at me in in a pub and humiliated me in front of a whole group of our friends.
it was my fault I'd made him angry.
With one long-term relationship, when my alcoholic bf cried and said he needed me. And then repeated it. I had been trying so hard to get him away from the booze and had not succeeded. I didn't know what he needed me for.
And a previous ex, on our way to stay with friends for a weekend: when he drove off a motorway and searched out an appropriate spot - not on our route - to stop the car and scream at me for forgetting the contraception. I was not scared that time but I realised there would be times when I was.
We had the worst Xmas ever - he just wasn't involved, accused me of being all about the presents and then the only thing he was involved with was, you guess it, the presents. he didn't even turn up to see the DC on Xmas eve - too busy.
Then I got sick on Boxing Day and was in bed very ill. He had to look after the DC. He was mean to me when I was sick. Brought me 2 cups of tea (resentfully) after I asked for them over 2 days - that was it.
I remember standing in kitchen after forcing myself to get up for water so I could take painkillers, and finding DD2 tied into her high chair in front of TV while he slept (midday this was), and just having a moment of clarity - It Was Over.
And it was.
I knew he was having some sort of an EA with a teenage girl, the daughter of our friends. I had warned him to be careful as I thought she had a crush on him. I knew our marriage was over when he avoided holding my hand when we walked the dogs. The distance he put between us told me more than any one thing ever had before.
I wasn't allowed work, but he was determined not to marry me. I was looking after two small children doing all the cooking and cleaning and he gave me a tiny allowance. He went through my visa bill when it arrived and questioned me about every Sainsbury's transaction and ELC or Mothercare purchase. He was also verbally abusive (as well as financially abusive). But the wake up and smell the coffee moment was when I wasn't allowed to choose a saucepan in Robert Dyas. I did all the cooking, and I pointed to a saucepan and he made us get a cheaper one. He had a very expensive car that I wasn't allowed to drive. I had no car! The whole situation was an absolute nightmare but that saucepan thing, that really hit home for some reason.
My marriage: When, after many years of earning next to nothing or actually losing money in failed business ventures, 'D'H casually announced that he'd like to use the house (which I'd been paying the mortgage on via 60-hour weeks) as security for a mahoosive loan to finance yet another can't-possibly-fail business venture. To be fair XH was a lovely guy, one of life's dreamers and someone the world needs more of. I just didn't want to be married to one as I wanted a partner, not a child-like visionary.
My DC's father: After I'd not slept at all for 3 days straight with baby twins, he declared that I would have to do the night wakings all by myself because he was tired. When I said, what made him think I wasn't, he just looked at me as if I was bonkers for considering that my tiredness was as important as his. A light went off. The fact that when I ended it he tried to strangle me kind of confirmed my opinion. There had been no violence up to that point. Funnily enough, DTs slept through that night for the first time ever... I went to stay with my best friend for a couple of months while I bought a house and we had a really nice time of it.
When I went abroad with work for about two weeks and realised I was being my "old self" that I'd lost during the previous two years.
When he revealed himself as an apologist for the likes of jimmy savile……..nuff said.
When a friend offered to move in and help me with the household bills and with the children if I felt I couldn't continue with the marriage any more.
I felt relief and saw all the issues of him being horrible to the kids, withholding money for household bills and holidays, constant bad moods and all weekend in the pub....disappearing into the distance.
The prospect of all the stress ending was too appealing.
I took up the offer, as I was in danger of becoming ill if the situation had continued.
He went so quickly I knew he wanted the single life for sure - picked up enough hints beforehand.
When he followed me to the toilet.
His response to my "Er... What are you doing?" Was "You can't expect me to stay in there and talk to them!", them being my two flatmates who were innocently watching telly.
He was THIRTY FIVE.
In an old relationship, when we were having dinner with my family and he took the last two rissoles (or similar) again, as always. It wasn't a giant thing, but I suddenly knew he would never, not even sometimes, be putting my needs before his. Tiny things that show character.
When we travelled to Ireland on the ferry. He miscalculated the timing and we were very late. He was tense. On the ferry, he drew up so close to the next car that I had no room to get out. The ferry man tried to make a joke of it: 'he doesn't love you any more'. But he didn't. He tried to pretend for a few more months, because he still needed free accommodation
When he complained that I had used too much of his shampoo to wash my hair. We were staying in a holiday cottage for the weekend , our jobs meant we now worked in different parts of the country. I left 50 pence on the side of the bath , packed my bags and left.
My daughter came down stairs crying one night after hearing us argue once too often. I made him leave the same night.
this is probably the event that ended our marriage however I did stay for a long time after trying to see if I could get over it. It may seem trivial but after being sexually abused in the past I could no longer trust him (or respect him) and found it very difficult to have sex.
On top of the other problems; him being majorly closed and uncommunicative, shit (for me) sex because he was unconfident and scared of me, it all got too much. I'd given him and ultimatum that he had to get help to communicate/get better at it or I would leave.
I met someone, who is now my bf (realise this complicated things), who I could communicate with amazingly well. It highlighted how shit communication was in my marriage. I started to feel really hopeless and suicidal. Sex became less and less frequent as I had to be drunk to do it.
On my birthday in may we were arguing because he was yet again being helpless and looking to me to carry him emotionally without being able to communicate effectively (so I have to guess his feelings as well as be responsible for them/his problems). We had sex at the beginning of June and it made me feel like crying because it was so awful and I knew then I had to leave.
It took a while for him to acknowledge what I was saying. We shared the house for a while because he would not accept I wanted it to be over. He moved out in sept. Is v angry about my bf, because he is still struggling to accept that I don't want to fix our relationship which I feel has been dead for almost a year and which I feel I tried so hard to fix when he did nothing, until it destroyed my feelings for him beyond recovery. Now he wants to make an effort because I have left, sign he never loved me I think if he was happy to carry on with a suicidal wife but unhappy that I have left and am now getting happier.
Sorry, bit epic and rambly. Point was the single event was as a result of background stuff.
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