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Defining moment that you realised your relationship was over

(185 Posts)
Faffalina Fri 11-Oct-13 16:09:14

As it sounds, really. Not sure if this has been done already but was there something your partner did / said that made you realise it would have to end?

MirandaWest Fri 11-Oct-13 16:12:52

When I found the texts between him and the OW (of the time - she is his girlfriend now). Had already discovered the affair but had naively thought that when he said he wasn't sure if he wanted her and that he wanted us to try again that it was actually a complete lie.

Found out about his affair - decided to give it a go until he used the word 'DUTY'
No thanks pal - jog on - don't want to be anyone's duty.
End of!

HerdyHerdwick Fri 11-Oct-13 16:15:43

Yes, there was a moment when I knew our 20 year marriage was over, although I'd been trying to decide whether to stay or go for about 5 years (!) when it happened.
He started muttering under his breath about what a bad wife I was. Passive aggressive - didn't even come out and say it but I heard him. I went over to look at whatever crime it was I'd committed this time and I'd forgotten to put one glass away after emptying the dishwasher.
And that was it.

niceupthedance Fri 11-Oct-13 16:31:33

When he rolled in pissed at 7am and we had a Relate appointment at 9.

WeeHelena Fri 11-Oct-13 16:34:30

After he put his hands around my neck,he never strangled me though but it was still the final straw and it definitely wasn't the worst thing he ever did in our relationship..

I pretended everything was ok for a day or two then packed my bags and ran as soon as he went out for the day,did go back and face the music as it were but didn't take him back thank god.

herald Fri 11-Oct-13 16:39:46

When she told me she had been shagged a bloke from work, he finished with her so asked me to tell his wife, so he knew how she felt . Bye, bye 20 years gone in a five minute conversation.

Mosman Fri 11-Oct-13 16:39:51

On NYE 2008 when the clock struck midnight and everyone else in the pub was kissing and jumping around hugging and he never moved from the spot - was having an EA at that point - I've never felt so lonely in a room full of people.
Still took another five years for it to finish but yeah that was the moment.

NutritiousAndDelicious Fri 11-Oct-13 16:40:26

When I was very very ill and he slapped me round the face during sex as apparently I told him 'I liked it rough' hmm ... dear reader I slapped him back then threw all his stuff on the front lawn (this was the breaking point after months of abuse)

oldgrandmama Fri 11-Oct-13 16:43:04

When I was sitting in the car while he popped into a local shop and, looking for the tin of glucose sweets in the glove compartment, to give to fractious toddlers in back seat, found a sexy card declaring his love to an OW ... who happened to be my Best Friend shock Mind you, I stuck it out for another seventeen years for the sake of the kids, while he carried on with her and other trollops. BIG mistake, as I know now and I DON'T recommend it!

Twitterqueen Fri 11-Oct-13 16:46:51

When he made me apologise to him after he'd shouted at me in in a pub and humiliated me in front of a whole group of our friends.

it was my fault I'd made him angry.

PepperGrinder Fri 11-Oct-13 16:51:17

With one long-term relationship, when my alcoholic bf cried and said he needed me. And then repeated it. I had been trying so hard to get him away from the booze and had not succeeded. I didn't know what he needed me for.

And a previous ex, on our way to stay with friends for a weekend: when he drove off a motorway and searched out an appropriate spot - not on our route - to stop the car and scream at me for forgetting the contraception. I was not scared that time but I realised there would be times when I was.

BeCool Fri 11-Oct-13 16:55:05

We had the worst Xmas ever - he just wasn't involved, accused me of being all about the presents and then the only thing he was involved with was, you guess it, the presents. he didn't even turn up to see the DC on Xmas eve - too busy.

Then I got sick on Boxing Day and was in bed very ill. He had to look after the DC. He was mean to me when I was sick. Brought me 2 cups of tea (resentfully) after I asked for them over 2 days - that was it.

I remember standing in kitchen after forcing myself to get up for water so I could take painkillers, and finding DD2 tied into her high chair in front of TV while he slept (midday this was), and just having a moment of clarity - It Was Over.

And it was.

Cailinsalach Fri 11-Oct-13 16:56:09

I knew he was having some sort of an EA with a teenage girl, the daughter of our friends. I had warned him to be careful as I thought she had a crush on him. I knew our marriage was over when he avoided holding my hand when we walked the dogs. The distance he put between us told me more than any one thing ever had before.

C0ffeeN0w Fri 11-Oct-13 16:59:20

I wasn't allowed work, but he was determined not to marry me. I was looking after two small children doing all the cooking and cleaning and he gave me a tiny allowance. He went through my visa bill when it arrived and questioned me about every Sainsbury's transaction and ELC or Mothercare purchase. He was also verbally abusive (as well as financially abusive). But the wake up and smell the coffee moment was when I wasn't allowed to choose a saucepan in Robert Dyas. I did all the cooking, and I pointed to a saucepan and he made us get a cheaper one. He had a very expensive car that I wasn't allowed to drive. I had no car! The whole situation was an absolute nightmare but that saucepan thing, that really hit home for some reason.

Dahlen Fri 11-Oct-13 17:04:01

My marriage: When, after many years of earning next to nothing or actually losing money in failed business ventures, 'D'H casually announced that he'd like to use the house (which I'd been paying the mortgage on via 60-hour weeks) as security for a mahoosive loan to finance yet another can't-possibly-fail business venture. To be fair XH was a lovely guy, one of life's dreamers and someone the world needs more of. I just didn't want to be married to one as I wanted a partner, not a child-like visionary.

My DC's father: After I'd not slept at all for 3 days straight with baby twins, he declared that I would have to do the night wakings all by myself because he was tired. When I said, what made him think I wasn't, he just looked at me as if I was bonkers for considering that my tiredness was as important as his. A light went off. The fact that when I ended it he tried to strangle me kind of confirmed my opinion. wink There had been no violence up to that point. Funnily enough, DTs slept through that night for the first time ever... I went to stay with my best friend for a couple of months while I bought a house and we had a really nice time of it. smile

Shakey1500 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:04:20

When I went abroad with work for about two weeks and realised I was being my "old self" that I'd lost during the previous two years.

akaWisey Fri 11-Oct-13 17:07:08

When he revealed himself as an apologist for the likes of jimmy savile……..nuff said.

bluebirdwsm Fri 11-Oct-13 17:10:17

When a friend offered to move in and help me with the household bills and with the children if I felt I couldn't continue with the marriage any more.
I felt relief and saw all the issues of him being horrible to the kids, withholding money for household bills and holidays, constant bad moods and all weekend in the pub....disappearing into the distance.
The prospect of all the stress ending was too appealing.
I took up the offer, as I was in danger of becoming ill if the situation had continued.

He went so quickly I knew he wanted the single life for sure - picked up enough hints beforehand.

tethersend Fri 11-Oct-13 17:16:21

When he followed me to the toilet.

His response to my "Er... What are you doing?" Was "You can't expect me to stay in there and talk to them!", them being my two flatmates who were innocently watching telly.


mustardtomango Fri 11-Oct-13 17:47:25

In an old relationship, when we were having dinner with my family and he took the last two rissoles (or similar) again, as always. It wasn't a giant thing, but I suddenly knew he would never, not even sometimes, be putting my needs before his. Tiny things that show character.

alto1 Fri 11-Oct-13 18:01:50

When we travelled to Ireland on the ferry. He miscalculated the timing and we were very late. He was tense. On the ferry, he drew up so close to the next car that I had no room to get out. The ferry man tried to make a joke of it: 'he doesn't love you any more'. But he didn't. He tried to pretend for a few more months, because he still needed free accommodation sad

zebrafinch Fri 11-Oct-13 18:03:46

When he complained that I had used too much of his shampoo to wash my hair. We were staying in a holiday cottage for the weekend , our jobs meant we now worked in different parts of the country. I left 50 pence on the side of the bath , packed my bags and left.

shootfromthehip Fri 11-Oct-13 18:09:51

My daughter came down stairs crying one night after hearing us argue once too often. I made him leave the same night.

Offred Fri 11-Oct-13 18:13:02

this is probably the event that ended our marriage however I did stay for a long time after trying to see if I could get over it. It may seem trivial but after being sexually abused in the past I could no longer trust him (or respect him) and found it very difficult to have sex.

On top of the other problems; him being majorly closed and uncommunicative, shit (for me) sex because he was unconfident and scared of me, it all got too much. I'd given him and ultimatum that he had to get help to communicate/get better at it or I would leave.

I met someone, who is now my bf (realise this complicated things), who I could communicate with amazingly well. It highlighted how shit communication was in my marriage. I started to feel really hopeless and suicidal. Sex became less and less frequent as I had to be drunk to do it.

On my birthday in may we were arguing because he was yet again being helpless and looking to me to carry him emotionally without being able to communicate effectively (so I have to guess his feelings as well as be responsible for them/his problems). We had sex at the beginning of June and it made me feel like crying because it was so awful and I knew then I had to leave.

It took a while for him to acknowledge what I was saying. We shared the house for a while because he would not accept I wanted it to be over. He moved out in sept. Is v angry about my bf, because he is still struggling to accept that I don't want to fix our relationship which I feel has been dead for almost a year and which I feel I tried so hard to fix when he did nothing, until it destroyed my feelings for him beyond recovery. Now he wants to make an effort because I have left, sign he never loved me I think if he was happy to carry on with a suicidal wife but unhappy that I have left and am now getting happier.

Sorry, bit epic and rambly. Point was the single event was as a result of background stuff.

queeniefry Fri 11-Oct-13 18:42:43

When I realised that I have been sleep walking for the last 7 years, trying to play happy families and totally forgetting about myself- who I am and what I would like to achieve in my life...

CurseOfCurves89 Fri 11-Oct-13 18:54:36

I'd had problems with my ex from the start but the defining moment was one night we were staying with his parents, he sat out the back getting stoned with the neighbour, then tried to make me watch formula 1 which I always hated. I went to bed early, he had a massive argument with his drunken arse of a dad and came to bed crying, asking for a hug. I pretended to be asleep and the next morning I told him I was leaving.
Best decision of my life smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Oct-13 18:54:53

I put up with a LOT to be with my exH... emotional bullying, alcohol abuse, dreadful behaviour but, thinking about it, it was the day he came home from a meeting in another town and told me he'd met his ex from 12 years earlier on a train. I got such a terrible sinking feeling and, just a few months later, he walked out to be with her.

goodenuffmum Fri 11-Oct-13 19:09:07

When my ex called me a c**t at a wedding..a wedding I hadn't wanted to go to because i barely knew the bride and had never met the was all about show to him

As I stood and watched this drunken mess of a man swearing at me and accusing me of having affairs because I didn't care enough to argue back hmm I realised that he would never care for me as much as he does the alcohol.

I shut down emotionally and 2 years later he told me he couldn't take it anymore...he finally left 7 months ago


AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 19:10:49

When my ex cried after being caught shagging around (again) I looked at him straight in the face and thought "God, you look utterly pathetic. And ugly"

That was it

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 19:21:28

Idiotic snotty nosed tosser grin

Kernowgal Fri 11-Oct-13 19:36:45

I put up with all sorts of appalling behaviour from him. Then we decided to move in together and rented a place from a friend. She sold us her metal-action sofabed for £30, which he thought was outrageously expensive (tells you all you need to know) and after we'd signed the contracts we took the sofa out to his van. It was pissing down and I recall him shouting at me (in front of her) about something. We then took it to the new house, which was down a very narrow lane, and he had to reverse the damn van down the lane (in the dark, in the rain) with me attempting to direct him. We carried it into the lounge and he dropped it without any warning. I was very lucky that I didn't hurt my back.

He then shut the van door while I was attempting to get in - lucky my hand didn't get caught - and drove off like a madman while I stood there in the rain, wondering what the fuck I had done. When he finally came and picked me up he told me we weren't on the same wavelength. The same fucking wavelength?? Nobody was on his wavelength, he was insane and a nasty bastard with it.

I didn't realise that at that point I was well within my rights to tell him to go fuck himself. I wish I had, because his behaviour only got worse from then on, but that night killed any love I had left for him, and it had been decreasing for quite some time. But I felt obliged to move in with him because I didn't want to let my landlady down. Had I told her what he was like that night, I think she would have told me to run like the wind.

Kernowgal Fri 11-Oct-13 19:37:28

I think I thought moving in together would bring us closer. How utterly, completely wrong I was.

Llareggub Fri 11-Oct-13 19:43:17

When, fuelled by a dangerous combination of prescription meds and alcohol, he tried to reverse over me in a 4x4 on Christmas Eve.

I rang his parents to remove him from our home, rang my father in floods of tears and then spent the rest of the evening packing Xmas pressies for our sons.

My poor old dad and step mother drove through the night to be with us. We separated after Christmas lunch and I've never looked back.

Glendaanddennisarentinvited Fri 11-Oct-13 19:51:17

Mine was realising he'd spent the day watching copious amounts of nasty porn again.

Was a bit of a lightbulb moment though. Glad it didn't drag on endlessly.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 11-Oct-13 19:55:33

One day after years of ea and two affairs etc etc (and having had the light slowly dawning for a while) I sat him down and forced him to admit that he didn't love me any more. The fucking coward had the cheek to say to me 'I still having feelings for you' - as if that was supposed to be enough.

Lavenderhoney Fri 11-Oct-13 20:03:26

Ny eve watching him down pints after pints with his mates whilst us ladies sat at a table in a small country pub. We all looked at each other at the same time- and burst out laughing with x" wtf am I doing here"

Within 6 months, one had left for her dream job in another part of england- now thats an inpirational lady- the other emigrated to nz, and I found out about his affair with a married woman. Left instantly! Twunt. Actually there were more moments but I steadfastly refused to see them before she rocked up hysterical her dh had found out.

I found the not holding hands whilst walking dogs most poignantsad on this thread.

Numberjaqs Fri 11-Oct-13 20:09:11

This thread is an eye opener. I need to wakeup from my sleepwalk.

whitsernam Fri 11-Oct-13 20:19:34

Mine was when EXH backhanded me across the face, while shouting "Fucking bitch!" at me.... after 20 years of an abusive marriage that never got any better. Somehow that incident woke me up like nothing before it had. Good thing, too. I've never considered going back.

Nye 2008 I was in a bar with exh who was very un subtlety shoving coke up his nose every 3 minutes. That was one lightbulb of many bit the one I ignored was when his dm was finally breathing her last in icu he refused to cancel a trip to watch sport and go drinking with his dickhead ex forces mates. His sister had to phone him to tell him his mum had finally passed because he refused to be there , for her or his lovely dad / the test of his family. If he reads this he will be on shortly bullshitting about how it was the right thing to do. Yeh whatever you pathetic coward.

C0ffeeN0w Fri 11-Oct-13 20:23:15

Sleeping walking is part of it. there's an anaesthetic that helps you function but also prevents you from leaving.

TheRobberBride Fri 11-Oct-13 20:27:48

He STBXH was emotionally and financially abusive. He did many horrible things over the years. Oddly, the straw that broke the camel's back was when he phoned me up to blame me for an admin error on the invoice for DCs nursery fees. He was shouting at me over what was really nothing (again) and I was crying (again). I just had a moment of clarity and thought 'I don't need this. Nobody needs this'. I left the next day.

SignoraStronza Fri 11-Oct-13 20:31:21

When, in one of his many tantrums, he hurled a heavy rolled rug across the room and it hit our 2 year old, who fell and bumped her head on the door frame. It was really meant for me, obviously.

When XH threatened me with a hammer. Actually, it was the second time.

When my best mate of 20+ years killed herself, XP refused to support me. Told me that I should pray to God for her soul. And that he was glad she was dead because she was a junkie (she was addicted to drugs).

Bertiebassett Fri 11-Oct-13 20:58:17

I think the 'lightbulb moment' for me was in a a relate session (we were trying to repair our marriage after a long period of him being emotionally abusive and me finding out he'd joined

It was our 7th counselling session. I was really struggling with the counselling. I couldn't understand why he was acting the victim and refusing to take responsibility for his actions...but I loved him and I thought he had some mental health issues so I was trying to figure out how I could help and support him.

Anyway...I had opened up in counselling in week 6 and talked about how I felt (neglected, a little scared, manipulated, used, sad, intimidated).

In week 7 he repeated almost word for word what I had said...but this time it was how he felt. He turned it round so that I was the emotional abuser and he was the victim. I was completely shocked. I realised at that point that he would ALWAYS be the victim and would NEVER take responsibility for anything...

We left that counselling session and for the first time I had the strength to turn away from him and walk in a different direction.

We're now divorced. I'm very happy. He's still the victim (and texts me often to remind me). wink

OlympicSleepingChampion Fri 11-Oct-13 21:10:51

Many, many years ago now but when I discovered that I was the OW. He could see me during the week because she was working away and couldn't see me on a weekend cos she was home and not as he claimed because he was working overtime. They didn't live together so there was no sign in his house of a female presence ever when I visited.

I only found out because I went on a training course with a former colleague of his - me and the Twat worked in the same area - and she asked after him and his girlfriend and filled me in on all the details without realising. As awful as it was to hear she did me a massive favour. But the fucker still tried to lie his way out of it. And failed. I felt so utterly stupid and gullible after that. But compared to some experiences here I got off very, very lightly.

NotYoMomma Fri 11-Oct-13 21:15:02

when he spat these words at me with a red face and a bulging neck vein:

'you would know if I was on fucking steroids because I would be fucking raging all the time!'

I just let out a low whistle, went home and made my plans to leave him and did so the next day

LaQueenForADay Fri 11-Oct-13 21:16:19

With my first serious boyfriend (met when I was 15 and he was 20, together for 3.5 years) NYE 1988, in a nightclub with friends, and yet again he accused me of flirting with his mates (I wasn't, I didn't actually even like any of them), and yet again reduced me to tears and ruined the night.

I stood for ages at the edge of the dance-floor, on my own fighting, back tears (I'd been forbidden to approach him FFS), as everyone else kissed and sang at midnight, and thought 'WTAF am I doing with him?

Took me another 4 months to have the courage to break it off with him...but when I did, I did it in kick-ass fashion, and he was utterly distraught...and I couldn't have given a damn grin

With ex boyfriend, we were sitting in his Mum's garden on a picnic blanket, in the sun and I was just so full of love for him - but when I leant over to kiss him, it was like kissing a statue...just no warmth, no emotion, just emptiness from him, like he'd suddenly become hollow.

Later, he kinda disappeared upstairs, and his Mum told me that he was really tired and had gone to bed (without saying goodbye to me?) - but she couldn't really look me in the eye, and was keen to get me out the house. I knew then something was horribly wrong, but he didn't tell me until the next day that it was over, and broke my heart sad

With DH (the year before we were married) he'd been going AWOL with a new group of friends - I finally met them, and got a horrible feeling in my stomach. Nice enough people - but I knew they were very bad, bad news...lots of hurtful crap happened over the next few weeks. He stood me up several times...left me abandoned at a friend's 30th party...etc.

Eventually he'd been AWOL all one weekend - I rang his Mum trying to track him down. She barely spoke to speak to me, couldn't get off the phone fast enough (eventhough I was in tears and for that I will never forgive her). He got home, wouldn't apologise, wouldn't explain...I was openly crying, but he wouldn't even put his arm round me.

That night, told me he was happy with how his new life was, and it was up to me if I stayed with him or not, he wasn't sure if he loved me...and he slept on the sofa.

I spent all night in tears, in our bedroom - and thought 'Living like this, is actually worse, than actually being alone.' Packed my bags next morning, and moved out. Hardest thing I've ever had to do, it was beyond agony sad

Within a week, he was on the phone begging forgiveness - but it was several months before I let him back fully into my life.

Overthehillmum Fri 11-Oct-13 21:19:41

When he smacked our two year old son for being naughty so hard he left two hand prints on his bum through his trousers and a nappy, arsehole wasn't left with him by himself again ever and I set things in motion to leave.

balia Fri 11-Oct-13 21:26:02

Was ironing one evening in the living room, with him sprawled on the sofa watching what he wanted to watch on the TV. I was working shifts, so knackered, managed to burn myself and let out a huge yelp. He didn't stir.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 11-Oct-13 21:34:03

I haven't posted on one of these in ages.

I had a tummy bug and was throwing up - literally, at the toilet, trying to fend off DS who was about a year old at the time and wanted to know what I was doing, and I was so relieved to hear XP arrive home from work.

First I had to ask him to come and get DS because he was trying to get into the toilet, he stomped up the stairs in a huff because I dared to be ill and I had asked him to look after his own son, all of this was bad enough, but what really upset me was that he came upstairs to have a rant at me and he didn't even ask if I was okay.

I just remember that going through my mind "He didn't even ask if I was okay" and sobbing.

Such a fucking mess and a waste and a horrible encapsulation of the relationship.

Thankfully am much happier now, 4 years later smile

MrsPear Fri 11-Oct-13 21:38:47

After many threads on here I have finally realised I can't make it work. I was married 6 years this week and he forgot then shouted at me for being upset then shouted some more when said I was lonely and i wanted us to be friends i want us to be a couple. I am trapping him and no man spends all night after work with his wife was his reply. That and it is his life and he will do what he wants when he wants and I have no right to know anything about it. I have woken up and am in pain. He won't leave. Won't even admit it is over - yet spends barely an hour in 24 at home. So I have to make a plan - so far it is to find work then I can leave.

InsultingBadger Fri 11-Oct-13 21:41:53

An ex said to me 'we could stay together but I don't respect you and won't ever touch you again' then handed me his toddler to look after and rolled over and went to sleep. I lay awake all night cuddling his little boy who I was very close to, and at 7am just said goodbye.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 11-Oct-13 21:44:05

So many of these posts are so familiarsad.

He'd been out drinking a lot, nearly every night for a few months. We were falling further behind with rent because he kept spending his money on booze.

He was out again and I was struggling with pnd, baby ds and working shifts, being bullied at work. I needed him at home and some support or just a hug, so I phoned him and he said "I do love you and ds, but I love drinking more, so I'm gonna stay out". And hung up.

I was shocked, but he was absolutely right, he did love the booze more. So I packed his things and when he rolled in the next morning I rolled him straight back out again.

He did seek help for his drinking and kicking him out was the wake up call he needed. I just remember that night after he hung up feeling so alone and the sadness building and crushing me and then click realising I'd already been alone for months. What on earth did I have to lose by actually being on my own?

Hawkmoth Fri 11-Oct-13 21:53:41

I was on top form one night. I told a really funny joke, something about eunuchs! The whole room was laughing, except XH, who had a pop at me in front of everyone for being 'embarrassing'.

I thank god I had enough left in me to realise this was just the tip of the iceberg and that the happy, charming and fun Hawkmoth was still there under all the drudgery. She's had a great ten years since then smile

CoconutRing Fri 11-Oct-13 21:55:25

I was 20, with a toddler, married to my Ex. Money was tight. I worked full time and I had a part-time bar job at the weekend.

One evening, Ex came home and told me that he didn't want to work anymore and he had spent our meagre savings on a second hand car. He wanted to drive around Europe to "find himself"".

I told him to go and not come back.

Oh god, the twat who tried to reverse over her, and her dad and step mother driving through the night to be there for Christmas for her and the children has got me. sad

Notyomomma. Sigh - yes that too. But don't forget 'other people react to steroids bit I don't - I know what in doing' twat.

C0ffeeN0w Fri 11-Oct-13 21:59:20

MsPear, he sounds horrible. There is nothing lonelier than what you're living through now. Being alone is not lonelier.

Mrspear leave him and don't look back. I'm not seeing any regret on this thread except that we all stayed too long hmm

I agree. These stories are sad, but what they show are people who did their best to make things work, and who have shown a lot of strength.

MrsPear, the thought of being on your own is a scary one, but you won't feel half as alone as you do now. The day I threw DP out everything was easier almost immediately.

I didn't have to worry about where he was, I didn't have to worry about what he was wasting our money on, I didn't have to wonder when the next time he would hurt my feelings or let me down again would be. I could just breathe and get on with things. It was a relief.

I was sad for DS that his father was so useless, but I knew we would be ok now.

rabbitonthemoon Fri 11-Oct-13 22:29:53

What a sad thread. My relationship before dh lasted ten years. There were probably hundreds of defining moments as he was a dick. However, the final clinchers are a mixed blur of a racist joke in front of our friends/him angrily binning my new jeans as they made my arse look 'saggy'/kicking me in the kidneys as I crouched and swept up a glass I broke because I was 'stupid'. These probably happened over the space of two weeks and instead of fear/wishing I could make him happy - I just felt fucking blind rage fury. So I left.

EllieInTheRoom Fri 11-Oct-13 22:34:09

Oooo there have been a few nails in the coffin in the last few weeks...

- Starting a row with a man in a bar so we had to run out with big skinheads shouting "wankers" after us
- not "allowing" me to have an ice cream on holiday
- complaining that I wasted money by buying a bottle of calpol at the airport because DS had a cough but we never needed to use it
- telling me proudly about how he had intimidated an old man in the supermarket car park

These are just the little "what an arsehole" moments that make me feel completely justified in going to see a solicitor next week. There is much more.

The coffin lid is well and truly secure and it's now ready for the incinerator!! cake

KatyPutTheCuttleOn Fri 11-Oct-13 22:37:51

When I was ill with flu and he didn't lift a finger to do anything to help with the children so I had to just carry on as normal.

When I found ex mobile phone upstairs and we couldn't get a mobile signal hmm. So I looked and found all the text messages I needed to see to know that ex was having an affair. I waited and watched and snooped for months, but it was over then.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 11-Oct-13 23:04:41

when my ex deliberately drove past a service station knowing i needed the toilet desparately. i truly thought i was going to wet myself. it took me a long time to leave and its only from mumsnet that ive realised he was abusive. for lots of little things that build up into a very horrible picture.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 11-Oct-13 23:07:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

racmun Fri 11-Oct-13 23:29:42

My ex was such a tight arse and I realise now was financially abusive. We'd just bought our second house together and the previous owners had taken the carpet with them!

I was Totally broke and not earning much at all, but got a quote for carpet it was £900. He seemed happy to pay but then threw it back it my face and queried why he should pay.

We ended up getting one room done at a cost of £250. We went to the cashpoint to get the money out 1/2 each of course and he checked his balance first. I was virtually up to my overdraft limit and worrying how i would last until i got paid whilst he casually stood there and said I've got nearly £30k in my account I should transfer it to my savings..... I could have cried on the spot.

Took about 6 months to finally finish, he had an affair with someone at work, but something changed in me at that point. I remember crying and looking at myself in the bathroom mirror saying to myself you've got to finish it.

The tight arse bought me out the house and then got the whole place carpeted anyway- cunt!!!

DisappointedHorse Fri 11-Oct-13 23:30:06

There were so many incidents but the final straw was one night after we'd been out with some friends.

We went back to another friends house where I was sitting chatting with my best friend on the sofa. She had her legs up across my knees and I had my hands resting on her legs.

I was bawled out in front of everyone, told I was never as affectionate with him and had made a fool out of him. I was then dragged off to the toilet so he could continue shouting and to have sex to make it up to him with all my friends only feet away.

I woke up the next morning and thought fuck you, I'm out and left him a couple of weeks later. My friends were very, very glad I did.

Putitonthelist Fri 11-Oct-13 23:57:56

When my 9 year old DS told me to 'shut up!!' I told him it was unacceptable and not to speak to me like that. DS said 'why not? Dad does'.

CharityFunDay Sat 12-Oct-13 04:26:46

Christmas Eve, 2008: A mutual friend got beaten up in the pub and couldn't get in contact with his parents. I suggested to my partner that we let him sleep on the sofa. My partner instantly decided that I was having an affair with him, forbade my suggestion and once we were safely home, attacked me and smashed up the flat.

Despite knowing that it was over, I had nowhere else to go, so tried to make it work again.

The real end came later, when he had driven me to the point of nervous breakdown. I saw my GP and was prescribed antipsychotics because I confessed that I had seen a screaming face looking back at me from the gravel in the garden (I knew that it was just an unconscious projection, and not real).

I got back home, left a note in the hall explaining that I was unwell and didn't want to be disturbed, laid out a bed on the sofa, propped a chair under the door-handle, and settled down to sleep, only for him to force his way in because he wanted to watch the TV. I am afraid I lost it and attacked him. And, bizarrely he didn't fight back for once.

Still didn't end it.

The absolute end came when he behaved so unreasonably in a pub that I turned away and ignored him. This was unforgiveable, and so he punched me so hard in the head that I blacked out momentarily. When I regained consciousness a moment or two later, two of the pub staff were just sitting there watching, while the barman leapt over the bar, restrained my partner from behind and manhandled him out of the door, with my partner still ranting and raving like a possessed man.

Thanks, Stuart the barman, for doing the right thing. I'll never forget that.

There were many more violent episodes en route, but the punch in the head was the end.

When I told him I was leaving, he blamed the breakdown of our relationship on me, said he was sick of my moods (!) and that he really had tried his best and I didn't know what I was throwing away. He gave me three hours to move all my stuff out. This included a computer that I had bought from him (actually, I just reduced the amount of money he owed me by fifty pounds, so I never saw a penny of it). The next day he phoned my mother (which means he took her number off my phone) and told me he was going to the police and was going to lose me my job because I had stolen his computer.

He was a classic narc, although I didn't realise it till later. FFS, he kept photos of himself in his wallet.

Isetan Sat 12-Oct-13 06:57:56

He asked me what I wanted to eat and I said I didn't know because when I tried to chew my jaw hurt and he joked about getting me a straw. My jaw was was still sore from when he knocked me to the ground earlier in the day. This was the first time he was violent and I ended the relationship immediately and cancelled the relationship counselling we had planned for later in the day. The next day I still doubted my decision to the end the relationship but thankfully his suggestion of break-up sex reminded me that it would always be about him and my needs and opinions weren't relevant.

I'm not sure about defining but it was the first time I realised that he would never take responsibility for his actions and that it would never get better, it could and did get worse but never better. I was shocked by the violence but it didn't stop me comforting him after the attack and assuming partial responsibility for his actions but the "I'll get a straw" remark was a definite WTF! moment.

The next year he pissed about with contact with DD and was a nightmare during mediation and when I stopped accommodating his selfishness over contact he tried to kill me.

The scary thing was, had he showed an ounce of remorse after the first attack I would have wanted us to get back together, so in the end his "I'll get a straw" remark saved me.

PumpUpMyVolume Sat 12-Oct-13 08:40:08

He'd already left me but i desperately wanted him back. The stress brought on my first ever migraine but luckily hmm it was on a day H said he would watch the DC. i took the day off and when he arrived, went to bed (he still had full access to the house)

Couple of hours later after lots of sympathy (which i didn't actually want - i just wanted to be left alone) he went out to see OW, came back and said he wasn't going to watch the DC anymore as i was there... fucked in bed and incapable of looking after them but there. I was now a single parent so had to just get on with it... He then left me with a 3yr old and 1yr old.

Might not seem much but killed any love i had and started me accepting it was over & planning my future without him.

HariLikesIt Sat 12-Oct-13 09:52:51

9/11 twin towers watched it on the news and it hit me hard. Ex came home we had been engaged for most of the time we been together but it was very abusive he never let me leave. Anyway he said let's get married next month life's too short.... And I said..... No. And decided me and my baby deserved more than a life like this. A month later we were kipping in friends spare room the start of our new life as he informed me his underage gf hed been seeing for months would be staying the night in my bed so effectively yes I made myself and my baby homeless but there was no way I wanted that house

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 12-Oct-13 09:56:54

Mine is much duller than these (thankfully) - with my notoriously tight Ex DP. He went through the shopping list and crossed off all the items he claimed never to eat or use and refused to pay for. Which included biscuits, olive oil and toilet roll. hmm

Trigglesx Sat 12-Oct-13 10:06:32

When he got angry and threw the remote control at me from across the room. Then he couldn't figure out why I was upset because "it didn't actually hit you." hmm Silly small thing but it was not a single incident - it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, really.

LaQueenForADay Sat 12-Oct-13 10:28:10

Mrs Oh that's reminded me of my ex, ex...when he drove over to pick me up from my parent's house, he started to park at the top of the road, rather than drive down the hill ^because it would waste petrol, for him to drive down the (very, very, very short) hill to the house, me get in his car, turn round and drive back up the (very, very, very short hill).

So, he'd park at top of the road and beep his horn (that's how near our house it was, because it was easily heard), and I'd dutifully scamper up to him. A few times I kept him waiting perhaps 40-60 seconds, and then that would cause ^ a row^ because I had made him waste petrol sitting there, parked, with the engine ticking over (yes, for a whole 40 seconds).

As punishment, I would then be made to buy his drinks for the night (I was a skint 6th form student, he had a full time job).

Even 25 years later, it gives me nothing but pleasure to think of how ill and devastated he was when I finally dumped him, and that he had to seek professional help/medication...and that now (according to aquaintances) he's never married (what a fucking surprise), lost all his hair years ago, is working the exact same, dead end, civil service job but now in a Hull suburb.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 10:33:43

Funny how so many of these are 'silly small things'.

MorrisZapp Sat 12-Oct-13 10:35:32

I've never been in an abusive relationship but I've had my share of fucking tedious ones. I lived with a guy iny early twenties, we were far too young and it turned silently resentful very quickly. I remember once coming home from work and noticing he was already home. I turned round and walked the streets for anther hour to avoid being in that house with him. How utterly pathetic.

Every time I come home these days and see a light on already, my heart is lifted. If I ever feel otherwise, I'll pay attention to what that means.

ImpOfDarkness Sat 12-Oct-13 12:12:15

When he said a propos of nothing whatsoever while we were on holiday "I think you should wash your dressing gown when we get home". He was a nice lad but I just knew that life was too short to spend it with someone who got uptight about a grubby dressing gown eight hundred miles away.

TaudrieTattoo Sat 12-Oct-13 12:21:39

Offred, apart from the dates, I could have written every word of your post. Hope you're happy now.

FoamyBanana Sat 12-Oct-13 12:25:55

I was in a car accident and my best friend rang him to say I was on the way to hospital in an ambulance. He just said 'ok, get her to call me tomorrow' and went back to bed. See ya!

Sparklysilversequins Sat 12-Oct-13 14:29:07

Loads and loads, violence, infidelity etc.

But the one when I realised he really didn't care about me at all and would actually prefer me never to be around was when we were going out on NYE. He and his mate went first and me and my SIL (his sister) were meeting them after we'd got ready. I was all dressed up, made so much effort and couldn't wait to see him. We arrived at the pub and I couldn't see him so went to look for him, he was just coming out of the toilet and I gave him a massive smile, so pleased to see him and he just said "alright" like I was someone he barely knew and walked past me to rejoin his friends and be the life and soul of the party. He barely communicated with me, didn't even buy me a drink and I only saw him again when he was pissed and his friends ditched him with me.

Loads worse than that happened but that bare acknowledgment of me and how he swerved off back to his friends and how awful and unwanted I felt always feels like the moment I knew he didn't love me at all. Thing is he didn't even want to finish it, he truly believed that as a wife and mother this is how my life should be and I should STFU and get on with it.

Faffalina Sat 12-Oct-13 15:31:59

Some of these are horrible! And a few have made me chuckle.
MorrisZapp I love the sound of your heart lifting realising that your partner is at home. It's those small things that can mean everything.

BasilBabyEater Sat 12-Oct-13 15:48:43

When after yet another conversation about how corrosive of love and respect lying is and he'd promised not to lie about something again, I found out he'd lied about it.

The feeling of exhaustion and resignation and sheer weariness is one I can still conjure up when I think about it.

And the feeling of sheer relief, knowing that I would never have to put up with it again.

comingintomyown Sat 12-Oct-13 16:02:19

After telling me he didnt love me anymore, was in a dark place , it was over etc etc he then said a couple of weeks later he couldnt go through with it and was willing to try and fix us.

Instead of feeling overjoyed my heart sank and after 17 years I knew it was over

Primadonnagirl Sat 12-Oct-13 16:02:48

Imp sorry if that was painful for you but that did make me laugh about the dressing gown!
Morris you've got it spot on and made me realise the same thing.........

SouredStones Sat 12-Oct-13 16:32:01

I had my epiphany this weekend.

No warmth after sex, no hug nothing, he just got up and went back to watching the tv. Then today he's not said a word to me, we rarely have time alone together and rarely have a day off together but he's moaned at me for doing he decorating and then been down the pub for the past hour. That was the final nail in the coffin after months of shit from him.

I think the worst thing he did though was shout at me for 'creating a fuss' when I insisted I needed to go to hospital when I was miscarrying in august because he had invited a friend over for a piss up. I ended up going alone that evening as I had done the previous two appointments. He tried to make me go to the final scan appointment alone as he had to be at work but I dragged him there before work to be told the heart was no longer beating. He's not had a day off since, until today, and really had acted like he couldn't give a shit since then.

The man is an alcoholic and drink will always come first with him. Wish I'd listened to his friends and split before we got married.

I just need to get a house for me and the kids sorted and I'm gone.

daysandnight56 Sat 12-Oct-13 16:35:40

I fell in "love at first sight" with my current partner. I knew immediately that I could not and would not have an affair but also realised at that point that I did not love my husband. I left my husband immediately.

ImpOfDarkness Sat 12-Oct-13 17:05:58

No worries primadonna, he was hardly the love of my life! we're still in occasional friendly contact as it happens, he's still as uptight and I'm still as laid-back as ever...

Lweji Sat 12-Oct-13 17:09:50

It depends.

There was a moment when I basically told him I might divorce him because of the way he was treating the cat.
It told me that he simply wasn't a nice person. In fact, nasty.

Then there was the time I told him I didn't know if I actually loved him, when he asked me in the aftermath of a fight.

Then the time he was actually physically violent and I knew it was the beginning of the end. Then the second time he was violent and I told him to leave and called the police.

And finally when I actually left because he threatened to take his life along with mine and DS's.

honey86 Sat 12-Oct-13 17:14:26

when fw ex threatened me that if i didnt ring him back to talk to him n sort out our row within 10 minutes, he was going to ring social services and make them take my unborn baby at birth. i dumped him within 30 seconds of them words. and ive never looked back.

Ivedunnit Sat 12-Oct-13 17:52:25

1. When my Son DS started raisng his voice and speaking to me like his Father
2. When I went away for business for two week and never felt the urge to call him once - people also treated me well
3. When the scales fell and I realised I was on Anti- D's to cope with this relationship
4. Drink meant more to him than either me or DS
5. Sleep walking and sleepless nights!

GiveItYourBestShot Sat 12-Oct-13 18:04:58

When he faked coming so that he could stop having sex with me.

Lweji Sat 12-Oct-13 18:09:22

Oh, a more recent relationship, after almost a year, when making the usual evening call became a chore and I realised that meeting him on the weekend wasn't something I was looking forward to. I ended it that very week.

yummytummy Sat 12-Oct-13 18:18:06

Long history of violence and emotional abuse but last straw last week when he was ranting about something trivial then said "I dont have to listen to a shithead like you" something just snapped and I thought thats the last time you call me anything like that again. Enough. I am making appt with solicitor this week and he is actually agreeing to move out. It still bloody hurts though. We met young and its 20 years gone just like that.

Promethea Sat 12-Oct-13 18:44:41

The final straw for me was a cup of tea - he'd made himself a brew in front of me, and not offered to make me one. Again. A small, small thing in itself, but absolutely indicative of how little I mattered to him.

There was no row, it took about 2 minutes to split up and 2 days for him to move out and blimey it felt like a weight had literally lifted. Yay!

Aroundtheworldandback Sat 12-Oct-13 19:17:37

When at a fete on holiday with 2 small kids I asked him to spend the rest of the evening with us instead of going out with his 'friends'. Driving down a steep unlit mountain road, he started banging his fist on the window ranting at terrified four year old dd that he wished her mummy was dead. Over and over again. And when we got back to a power cut, trapped us in dark house whilst the kids screamed from the night's terror, before he calmly gelled back his hair and left to meet what I later found was his 18 yo girlfriend to go partying.

Dd thought it was all her fault as she had asked for a teddy bear at the fete. Lightbulb moment- I knew what I had to do.

Ps- ten years down line happily married to my dh who enriches the lives of all around him.

Lipstickpowderandpaint Sat 12-Oct-13 19:22:31

When he got up on New Year's Day then went back to sleep on the sofa, we had agreed previously to take dcs out, I had got up,as you do, positive and hopeful for a new start, he apparently intended to carry on as normal. That sounds ridiculous but it was the beginning of the end that had been a long time coming, I just couldn't do it anymoresad

Annhod Sat 12-Oct-13 19:40:54

I used to do some voluntary work, one day I had to call to see an elderly couple. She had full blown dementia and he was her full time carer. The way he treated her was so touching, it was obvious he was still so very much in love with her, her hair was beautifully brushed, she was lovingly dressed, the house was spick and span. I was only there for about an hour, but when I left I walked around the local park in a complete daze, as I struggled to accept that my gut reaction was "I couldn't do that for my husband in years to come, I don't love him enough". Sounds really selfish, especially as my husband hadn't done anything "wrong", it just wasn't working. Six months later I plucked up couage to tell him I wanted us to split up. Hardest thing I've ever done, felt guilty as hell, but it was for the best. 7 years later I've since remarried and couldn't be happier. Still close to my ex, we have a daughter together.

DebrisSlide Sat 12-Oct-13 19:46:53

After yet another discovery of hidden bottles by my Walter Mitty-esque fiance, we sat in a counselling session and a big wave of "I have no more chances left in me" came over me. I don't think I've ever had more of a sense of what is right. I said that out loud and moved to the other end of the country the next weekend. I don't know who let out a bigger sigh of relief, me or the counsellor.

His 3rd wife has just left him, I know not why. But I can imagine that he is just repeating "same shit, different woman".

Handywoman Sat 12-Oct-13 20:09:22

Mine is low key and bizarre! After a week of constant eggshells, tension, laziness, self-centredness and one helping of verbal abuse .... he lost the plot when I refused to agree to the purchase of a sofa, then sat passive-aggressively glueing together a pair of old shoes. I thought how dangerous and unattractive his pent-up anger was. Then about two hours later suddenly declared we needed urgently to purchase (wait for it...) a bureau to hide my paperwork which was an unpleasant reminder to him of my job which was causing all the having to look after his own children on his own in short when I realized I was trying to justify the unjustifiable in my head it was all over for me.

noNicknameAnymore Sat 12-Oct-13 22:09:40

When my labour started he told me to go and get ready while he was having some party with his favourite team joint and beer

F****up all in big style

theendishere Sat 12-Oct-13 23:41:41

When I discovered he'd been lying about a big issue, while, wait for it... we were having counselling about, amongst other things, how his past lies had ruined trust, and how he needed to be truthful if there were to be a future for us!

Spelt Sat 12-Oct-13 23:53:23

On holiday. Woman at next table was in a wheelchair. Her DH went to the buffet for some food for her. I just absolutely knew that in similar circumstances my DH would deliberately choose food I don't like. The thought of growing old with him filled me with dread.

There were quite a few 'lightbulb moments', but that was the first time I really cottoned on to the idea of marriage being for the rest of your life.

Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 00:21:58


Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 00:21:58


Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 00:21:59

Took me

Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 00:24:06

God damn this phone!

Took me four years of abuse, cheating, stealing, hitting, splitting up and getting back together, he'd disappear for days once saying he was going to the shop and coming back three days later with the excuse of 'I got lost' wtf.

Despite all that bollocks I stayed like a coward.

Then one morning, I woke up and packed my stuff and left. I was almost tranquil. Something just clicked in my brain and I just went and never saw him again.

Unidentifiedflyingobject Sun 13-Oct-13 01:16:33

Laughing at Strumpetron's phone smile

Some of these are terrible, so sad and serious, mine is more one of the little things...

I asked him for ten minutes one evening to listen to a presentation I'd done for a work assessment. I was in bits about it, really stressed. Continued funding (and therefore a large chunk of our very stretched household income) depended on it. I had literally counselled him through every working day for the previous month because he was having a nightmare. He begrudgingly said he would listen, then went to sleep while I was talking.

Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 01:22:41

I got there in the end wink

joanofarchitrave Sun 13-Oct-13 02:09:13

I'm not quite sure with XH, because there were so many 'that's it' moments... but when he ruined my mother's 65th birthday family party, having a massive tense and very obvious silent sulk all through the meal because there were CHILDREN there (2 well behaved nieces of primary school age) which I hadn't warned him in advance there would be, and after the meal we all went for a walk, and it was a bit squelchy and there was some mud on his shoe, so he got in a massive strop and marched off to sit in our ridiculous sports car that was too low for me to get out of next to a kerb without flashing my gusset, and then when I decided I had to go with him and left my mother's party early for his sake, he drove home too fast for 3 hours without saying a single word to me and then when we got home appeared to think that all was well.... I think at that point it became obvious that the relationship was doomed. Took another year for me to leave confused

learnasyougo Sun 13-Oct-13 02:28:07

Emotionally and financially abusive for years, have the digg enthusiastic welcome but would come home without even a hello for me.
Out every single night until (typically) 2am, sometimes 7am, have a shower and then go to work again. He drove an expensive car but I wasn't allowed to have driving lessons. I was a skivvy, hand washing everything because washing machines are expensive.
We had no sex for over a year (his choice, not mine) yet I found condoms in his wallet.

He denied. It was only once I realised it didn't actually MATTER whether he was having an affair as I was so neglected that I finally bought plane ticket (Money from mum by western union)
But them he convinced me to stay, give him a chance. I was not allowed to have a bank account, so the ticket refund (about 400 quid) went to his account. He said he'd send it back to my mum. 3 months later turns out he'd bought tyres for his car with it!

mum sent more via western union and I left. He continued to accuse ME of affairs. Uh huh... Projection!

learnasyougo Sun 13-Oct-13 02:32:50

Should add I was living in his country, thousands of miles from home. I stopped eating and lost more weight than I could afford (partly sure to the financial abuse. I'd be stuck at home, no car. If I rang to say there is no food in the house, I haven't eaten today and even the dog is hungry, he'd come home (2am) with just dog food.

JanePlanet Sun 13-Oct-13 04:05:43

When I found a lump in my neck Dr's suspected lymphoma. I had to go for a biopsy, I asked him if he was coming with me. He said no because he'd be in work - but would try to ring if he got a chance. I ignored his calls when he rang. Was over from then on. And thankfully the lump was benign.

PaulineWhatsername Sun 13-Oct-13 09:12:05

We'd not been getting on for 4 out of the 5 years we'd been married. I'd been out to a club with a friend and got home late. He was up watching TV - it was the night the Gulf War kicked off. I'm very old

"Where the hell have you been?" he shouted. "Don't you realise what's going on?" pointing to the TV confused

So the Gulf War had been added to the list of problems I'd caused prat

greeneyedcat Sun 13-Oct-13 09:19:48

When 2 year old DS4 didnt call me 'mummy' but by other womans name. Best thing that ever happened, ive brought up 4 by myself and we've never looked back smile

BodaciousTatas Sun 13-Oct-13 11:52:46

When I found 5 pairs of boxers in the bottom of the wardrobe all stinking of urine, we had only lived together for about 4 months and I knew then we would not last. It took another 8 for me to pluck up the courage to tell him.

In this time he

Told me I should have the same thoughts and feelings as him about everything as we are a couple!
Wouldn't poo while I was in the house ever and never let me see him naked, he was so repressed where I am total opposite.
Stuffed half empty crisp packets down the side of the bedroom drawer causing mice to move in.

The final thing that finally made me pack his stuff and leave was when I was looking for resident mice and pulling all the furniture out he just stood there and watched.

Oh and he was a hypochondriac and always had something wrong with him.

Wellwobbly Sun 13-Oct-13 11:57:55

When I was standing in Sainsburys and I realised that the checkout lady was nicer to me than my own H - and she was pain a minimum wage to be so.

Wellwobbly Sun 13-Oct-13 11:58:03


clam Sun 13-Oct-13 12:16:34

When I went to a party and met some of my boyfriend's "London" friends. They all asked me how I knew him. We'd been going out for three years, yet not one of them knew of my existence!

verity297 Sun 13-Oct-13 13:09:52

Strange as it sounds probably not until the divorce was almost completed. He had left me for OW 2 years earlier and I was in the process of selling the family home so he could have his equity. I'd just been told I had a rare cancer and needed major surgery including time in ICU. I had to let him know because I needed to pull out of the house sale.
He came to the house and was completely expressionless, offered no compassion or support and walked away from me again, knowing I had cancer and was alone.
It was a defining moment for me, I don't think I had fully accepted that my marriage was over until then.

Thankfully and miraculously the tumour was benign.

jojoanna Sun 13-Oct-13 13:12:05

yesterday when he was drunk,,,,again

NickysMam Sun 13-Oct-13 15:26:01

1. When I lost my temper disgustingly, and wanted to strangle the living soul out of H.
2. When he actually put his hands around my throat and spat in my face.
3. When he allowed his family to disrespect me on a daily basis and told me "what can I do about it? it's their house"
4. When he then told me he had no intention to move us out anytime soon.
5. When DS would cry "mummy, daddy" daily cause of fights.
6. When H would purposefully have his back to me in bed, knowing it made me feel unloved. (small but he knew the enormity of it's impact)
7. When MIL told me to wait for H to come home from work (10-11pm) to serve him his dinner and wait for him to eat it then wash the dish.
8. When H agreed to the above, knowing I had a long day with DS, terrible MS and SPD to boot.
9. When MIL made excuses for him the day I made his dinner and waited up for him (I know) only to be told that he was at a restaurant with his colleagues.. "it's work, I don't want to lose my job". Finally went to bed at midnight sobbing.
10. When H told me it's not a man's role to do any childcare or housework.. FIL and MIL started it and supported it.
11. When MIL shouted at me for having the "audacity" to listen to my parents and accept their help.
12. When MIL woke me up from my nap after finally putting DS down to nap, to make me clean out the fridge and De-ice the fridge freezer.
13. When I complained to H and he just looked at me.
14. When I was called from my room to sweep up the crumbs FIL dropped on the floor and then made to wash up their dishes.

ALL of this happened within 3 days. I'm currently typing this on the national express home to my parents house with my DS and bump in tow. Good riddens. He has no idea but the rings left on his pillow will say it all.

I wrote a post recently stating that I was leaving and he talked me out if it. This time there is no going back

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 15:30:01

NickysMam, well done.
All the best for you in your new life. What a bastard and bastard PILs.

NickysMam Sun 13-Oct-13 15:35:05

Thank you Lweji I'm emotionally and physically drained but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel

When ex got caught cheating on me he tried to excuse himself by saying he only did it because I was too close to my mum!
I gaped at him for a few seconds, turned round and never spoke to him again smile

Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 15:44:22

Chucking a can of lager over me was quite a turning point too.

Then he went missing for a few days, I saw him at the shop with a witches hat on, pissed as a fart and he had the cheek to call me a fat cow. Unluckily for him my dad was in the car with me.

Unidentifiedflyingobject Sun 13-Oct-13 15:51:43

GO GO GO Nickysmam!!!

RaspberryGirl Sun 13-Oct-13 15:57:37

The week after asking me if I'd go halves on my own birthday meal because he was skint (fair enough) he went and bought himself some designer clothes as a treat to himself. This was the same guy who'd "forgotten his wallet" on a few dates too.

I spent the next two weeks waking up every morning feeling not quite right. I now realise it was my gut kicking into action. It's funny how you try to ignore it for a while....

Lavenderhoney Sun 13-Oct-13 16:23:48

Good grief nicky

Well done for leaving and I hope you, your ds and bump have a wonderful future ahead of you.

I presume you will be seeing a solicitor tomorrow as well as reporting his hands round neck to the police as well, just to get it all on record in case he gets nasty about the dc. Or tries to come and get you.

Your parents sound lovely to be there for you.

Nickysmam you can't possibly be any worse off without him!
I can really relate to 1. My relationship with exh really affected my behaviour and gave me anger issues I never had before and haven't had since hmm

awakemysoull Sun 13-Oct-13 17:16:35

Within weeks of being together he had spent most nights in a other woman's bed.

I gave him another chance.

3 months later he got his best friends girlfriend pregnant behind my back. She terminated the pregnancy.

I forgave him. His best friend still doesn't know - it wasn't my place to tell him.

We moved house. The first night in our new house he left at 7pm to go and spend the night with yet another woman.

I forgave him

3 weeks later it was my birthday. Arranged to meet. Him at the pub and I sat there on my own in a new town for 5 hours waiting on him. Turns out he had spent the night with the woman I had caught him (I saw texts) with 3 weeks beforehand.

I forgave him

Financially abusive. He takes £100 per week off me so I can live in my house. I also pay the full £650 a month rent. So that £1050 I pay just to keep a roof over mine and dcs heads. I pay all bills too and I'm nearly £15000 in debt because I've used credit cards and payday loans to fund this. I can't get any more credit so a couple of months until I'm fucked. genuinely have nowhere else to go

The strops he has are unreal. Massive mood swings and refuses to do any housework or childcare because that's woman's work.

His wages are for him and him only. Not me or the dcs. Dd2 is 16 weeks old and I have enough milk to last me until Tuesday maybe. I have no money until Friday so I'm going to have to try and do a 55 mile round trip by hitching or begging bus drivers (with 2 dcs in tow) so I can get to my mums for £10 for milk. They can't come to me unfortunately

I'm not allowed to use the heating If he isn't in the house. The gas is the only thing he puts in (£10 per week) so he isn't cold. He is in the pub from 1pm until 10pm ish every single day so we go up to the supermarket if it's freezing so we aren't sitting cold. I bought an electric fire and he cut the plug off it and laughed.

My light bulb moment was a few months ago when I was in labour and he fucked off and left me on my own to go to the pub. I was in agony and had to beg my sister to drive 50 miles to come and get me and dd1 so I could go to hospital. He refused to pick me and dd2 up telling me to get the bus. I had no money but one of the midwives paid a taxi for me to get home.

I am still trying to break free and I can't wait until I can. I have to go and have an abortion tomorrow I'm heartbroken but it's for the best. I have no idea how I will get to my appointment with no cash and 2 dcs.

That was so long but feels amazing to get it all out.

He is an awful man and truly deserves to rot in hell.

Shakey1500 Sun 13-Oct-13 17:52:19

Fucking HELL awaken

Sending you much strength to leave this vile being. He's no man and you and your dc's deserve much much better.

Jesus awaken - women's aids immediately. Throw him out please and then you can get is and tax credits etc and have the money. If he threw you out you would be entitled to emergency housing if you are in the uk. Please please call women's aid tomorrow!

Strumpetron Sun 13-Oct-13 18:40:50

Awaken well friggin done for waking up. You deserve a million times better

thursdaysgirls Sun 13-Oct-13 19:11:33

(Long story)

Things had been rocky with me and my ex for about 4 months before DD2 was born.

He was totally useless and didnt help one bit with DD1 or DD2.

Wednesday night, I went to bed at 11pm. DD2 woke up at midnight and screamed till 5am, couldnt soothe her no matter what I did. DD1 woke up at 6am. By Thursday night I was a fucking wreck having had no sleep for almost 48 hours.

DD2 was around 5 weeks old. I had a blinding migraine. Couldnt see. Couldnt walk. Was sat feeding DD2 and DD1 needed a nappy change and some supper and to be put to bed. Ex was sat on the laptop. Refused to move or help. So I fed DD2, put her in the moses basket and then spent over an hour staggering around the house with this migraine sorting out DD2. The whole time I was crying my eyes out with pain and frustration and he just sat there watching.

I then washed and sterilised all bottles, cleaned up, (I also had mastitis at this point Id like to add) and was having problems with DD2 swapping from breast milk to bottle feeding formula. Grumpy, tummy achey, no sleepy baby sad Ex hadnt done a single night feed, or even a feed in the day if I remember correctly.

I remember yelling at him: "WTF do you actually do? How do you contribute to family life? How would my life actually be any different if you weren't here?"

That was THE moment. It took me about 10 days to process this. But on Day 7, a friend rang me in hysterics (going through a divorce, hubby left her out the blue) So I said "I'm going out at 7:30pm. Girls will be in bed. DD2 will wake around 9pm for a feed. I'll be back by 9:30pm. Theres dinner in the microwave."

I got home, he'd had a CHIPPY.

He'd left DD1 asleep in bed and DD2 asleep on the sofa and pissed off to the chippy and left them ALONE for 20 minutes. I was so furious I didnt speak. I just packed up our stuff, rang a friend and moved in with her for a week, then kicked his sorry ass out.

thursdaysgirls Sun 13-Oct-13 19:12:39

During the 4 years we were together he had cheated on me repeatedly, (not that he admitted to it more than twice, but I had proof) gambled away £8,000 of our savings, and generally just treated me like dirt.

Young love, ay?

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 13-Oct-13 19:16:06

awaken - call women's aid right now, they can get you into a shelter where you will be safe, warm and fed.

thursdaysgirls Sun 13-Oct-13 19:28:43

awaken - HUGS. Leave his pathetic ass. Womens Aid, Shelter.

CharityFunDay Sun 13-Oct-13 19:33:48

Christ awaken, yes to Women's Aid. Right this minute.

M0reC0ffee Sun 13-Oct-13 19:43:50

WELL done nicky'smam. My xmil and xfil (divorced) were both independently of each other absolutely rotten to me.

Lweji Sun 13-Oct-13 19:52:04

Yes, awaken. Do call WA and tell them all.

Do you have family you can call?

lovemenot Sun 13-Oct-13 22:36:00

When his ex wife decided that I was not to be invited to their son's wedding (I was never the OW, they had split up 8 years before we met), and he decided that he would go anyway. That's when I realized we were not and would never be a team.

18 months and much crap later and I'm done. Just the actual leaving to be done.

But this comment was posted upthread "same shit, different woman", and I just felt OMG yes, this is him.

Makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 13-Oct-13 22:40:17

I can't remember if my ex-husband had actually done anything on this particular night, but I was lying in bed and I thought "this isn't forever". We were divorced within 18 months. As soon as I had that thought it almost cheered me up as I had been so miserable.

thirtyoneandclueless Sun 13-Oct-13 22:44:17

When he punched me in my jaw for talking too loud this week. Not the most violent thing he has done over the years by far but Ive had enough. It didnt even hurt that much but the humiliation and shame is eating me away.

I havent gathered the strength to break away yet but I shall. I dont want to play nice and forgive and forget.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 23:09:34

31, I am so sorry. Start a thread, love. Make today the day you start your escape x

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 23:26:52

Ok. Sorry so long. Had corrective eye surgery and in pain hiding under the covers with dark goggles on (ignore what they say, it DOES hurt). Dc's bedtime came, woke up, stumbled about asking him to turn the hall light off as it wAs painful. dds dad then asked me to read a story to younger dd but said I couldn't as I was in pain and not allowed to read/watch TV on day of surgery (was fine next day). He kept on repeating its only a story, just look at the pictures. He just couldn't get it. But then he didn't come with me either to get it done. I had to sign a 'special' form
Saying I was going home alone against advice. I know it's not a big thing but it was sad.

My recent Exp once asked me to cancel my college placement morning , drive across the city, to give him
Emotional support as he was still living with his EXW and couldn't bloody shift himself to stop arsing everyone around and leave. I listened and suggested things as usual
And then he tried to kiss me. I crumbled and burst into tears. I sank to the floor , in the wood we were in, and sat there completely emotionally wrung out. He just stood there looking at me. That was my 'moment'. He never put his arm around me or helped. If only I had trusted my gut , couldn't saved a lot more heartache.

Not as bad as awaken who will be seriously better off without her twat. Hate to swear but this is my mother in the 60's/70's. my father Kept her poor, struggling with 4 Dc's, violent, drunk. And all the while a 'good catholic teacher'. Hmm, her life improved immensely when she did a moonlight flit. You MUST leave this man. My heart broke when you said you were having a termination. Where are you now, please say you and your kids are somewhere warm and safe?

jocastafantastica Sun 13-Oct-13 23:30:22

emotional detachment doesn't even start to describe exH, cold, no conversation, no interest in me, sexually repressed etc etc, it is so true that you do not know loneliness until you have felt it within a relationship.
However the straw that broke the camels back for me was when I was doing voluntary work on top of having two young DC's and a part-time job to get onto a vocational degree course to try and better our future, he told me there were going to be random drugs tests where he worked very soon. He had been a regular stoner for years but had not smoked for over 2 yrs. On weekend he went to stay with some mates and when he returned he had this chesty cough, turns out he had a spliff with his mates because he didn't want to be the straight one. No regard for his job etc. I was beyond furious, didn't speak to him for 3 days until we were sat at the kitchen table finishing our dinner and he pointed out the random test had taken place and he was not picked out for it after all, so what was I making all the fuss about. After years of being passive and avoiding confrontation I snapped and threw every plate on the table at him (and the kitchen chairs). I am not proud of my behaviour but I just couldn't believe how casually he would have thrown away his job and therefore our home, this was on top of the fact he had been sacked from a previous job when I was pregnant with 1st DD for stealing! I was so embarrassed about that I never told a soul and said he had been laid off, I wish I had left him then.

Good luck those of you that are planning your departure, your day will come smile

SugarMouse1 Mon 14-Oct-13 00:33:06

When he touched me and I didn't like it told him to stop (he was very drunk and had been for the past 5 days, non stop drinking), he continued- told me I liked it.

I waited until he was asleep, packed my bags and left without saying anything.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 14-Oct-13 01:51:50

First night away from ds (5 mths). Had done dinner out & night in hotel whilst ds at my parents a couple of miles away.

I woke in the night so cold, hollow, alone. It hurt so much inside as I saw the lonely cold years roll out in front of me. For some random reason I thought 'we won't be able to manage on my pension', and he was lying there hogging the covers and sleeping the deep peace of the selfish. And my heart snapped then. Not from the financial, emotional & physical abuse, but because of the cold emptiness in my chest that night, and weirdly, the pension.

Took me a few more months, but that was when I knew that was it. No more.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 14-Oct-13 02:10:29

At least three people need to start their own threads from here... You need support desperately flowers

willotess Mon 14-Oct-13 07:56:21

The moment he walked in the ward to see me after being re-admitted for bleeding after a hysterectomy. He gave me such a look of hatred and disgust that I fell out of live with him immediately. He was having to juggle looking after our two children - 1 & 2.5 - ( with the help of his mother), commuting to work and coming to see me. He'd had a bad bus journey (didn't drive at all). I stayed with him for the next 14 years but couldn't ever love him again and our relationship was always very shaky and sad. It was thanks to my lovely mum that I eventually found the strength to tell him our marriage was over.
The children have since said they have never understood why I didn't leave him sooner as he had always treated me like a doormat.
He leaves nearby and we are on friendly terms but I'm so glad I finally did it - i like being my own boss!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 08:04:55

I can't stop thinking about you! Are you ok??
Do you have somebody going to your appointment with you today? Do you have your own thread? Please call woman's aid.
Pm me if you want to chat

NickysMam Mon 14-Oct-13 09:51:32

I can't stop thinking about you either Awaken where are you in the UK? please call Women's Aid!!

I feel bad updating cause a lot are still suffering. I just want to say that I slept so well last night, I've never felt so full of life. I only had to wash my cup that I used instead of a large amount giving me an extra half hour to cuddle my beautiful DS. Probably sounds silly but it meant a lot.

It was the hardest decision I ever made and I will admit that when we got to Digbeth coach station I almost felt like going back (Maybe he'll see I'm serious and finally change?) thank God I carried on. it's hard to leave especially when you have DCs but if you're unhappy they are too.

I am praying for all of you still suffering!!!

Goatshavestrangeeyes Mon 14-Oct-13 10:02:38

With my ex of 7 years the lightbulb moment came when I offered to babysit for his brother and girlfriend. I was so scared to leave to do it because I knew I'd get so much grief from it and that he probably wouldn't speak to me for a week or two.

I picked a fight so he would leave which he did (got his little sister to come pick him up). I didn't hear from him for 6 whole weeks!! Not even to ask how our 4 yr old dd was or to see her.

Then out of the blue he came round and asked me to marry him. I said no and he started to cry. Realised just how pathetic he was and suddenly I just felt nothing for him. All the years of mental torture and I finally felt free.

HaveAQuestion Mon 14-Oct-13 10:58:24

When he told me I looked like shit - just the straw that broke the camel's back.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Mon 14-Oct-13 11:24:12

When he called me a boring cunt and told me to go to bed, then spent the evening laughing and joking with the woman in the apartment next door right outside the bedroom window keeping me awake - we where on fucking holiday abroad.

It was the final straw after years of having my confidence knocked.

M0reC0ffee Mon 14-Oct-13 13:27:07

I am sometimes grateful that my x didn't just treat me a bit badly. He properly treated me like absolute shit, like I was totally worthless and he was 100% entitled. If it had been less clear cut I might be over on AIBU or Relationships trying to figure out why I felt taken advantage of and used and unhappy. Thankfully he just left no room for doubt.

Unidentifiedflyingobject Mon 14-Oct-13 15:00:39

Nickysmam - stick with it - you've done absolutely the right thing. Don't ever look back.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Mon 14-Oct-13 15:18:32

There were lots of things that weren't right in our relationship but we were out with his family and his mum was lying about things as usual and I basically said it wasn't true, XHs sister backed me up but he sat there not saying anything. I just looked at him and thought I cannot be with you anymore, within 2 weeks we had split up. I don't know why that moment made me decide but I knew it was over!

meddie Mon 14-Oct-13 18:38:06

Had been married 4 years. He was a lazy entitled useless waste of space. He tried emotional abuse and gaslighting but I called him on it .I only put up with it because he worked away three quarters of the year and the thought of starting again was holding me back. Then one day the kids were 3&4 and were playing on the floor and he called me from the kitchen and said " can you make that little bitch and little bastard shut trying to watch the telly"
At that moment I knew that even though I could stand up for myself, they couldnt.
I told him to pack a bag and go that moment. To say he was shocked was an understatement. Was the best decision I ever made

KingRollo Mon 14-Oct-13 18:42:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney Mon 14-Oct-13 19:05:48

Nickysmam, you absolutely did the right thing. Your dc and you will be so much happier. Throw away your luggage if you had any, once you have unpacked. Or get your dm to put it somewhere inaccessible.

For me, from a childs pov, Its the small things like being able to read in bed without one ear open for the door and pretending to be asleep.
Its not finding your dm on the sofa most mornings, clearly having been there all night and the stench of lager upstairs, the smell of the loo. Df being hungover and nasty. The atmosphere of misery and having to hide it.

If you started a thread of your own in relationships, you will have so many posters to help you, and offer support. Like many others on this threadsad

Double 'the deep peace of the selfish'. You hit the nail on the head.

flowers and hugs to those of you still trying to leave. x

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:01:21

Ex husband:
1. First weekend away after having 2 children when he told me that normally he'd have to wait 3 months to sleep with a girl, but I'd slept with him first night on meeting him on hol in Greece and I was a slag!
2. Saying my job was a POXY little part time job as a midwife and his was far more important as he dealt with all the computers in Europe ( so important they made him redundant)
3. Not telling my son off for kicking my daughter in head, after telling son dangers of such as friend had been assaulted and had brain injury resulting in ending up on life support, said it was because she smoked.
4. Not telling 7yr old son off for threatening to jump out bedroom window after I grounded him blaming me saying it must have been something I did.
5. Having been at Bonfire barbecue where all the men took off their clothes, getting called a slag at a New Years fancy dress party in front of adults and children, dragged off home for doing the can can dressed as a saloon girl and flashing my bum in a thong. Double standards!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 14-Oct-13 22:34:28

Bet you looked great as a saloon girl smile

Nickysmam please keep your strength up, and stay gone from that man. Sounds horrendous and I know how hard it is to make that final break, but it's worth it

Awaken I hope you're ok, I hope you manage to find the strength to get away from him.

And there was someone else too and am sorry I can't find the post. But to anyone still in an abusive relationship, hang on to your resolve and please leave. Life can be so difficult at the best of times, but it's never worth staying with someone who is abusive because the only thing they will ever bring is badness to you and your children.

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:39:39

Recent ex boyfriend:
On and off relationship for 5 years, scared of Committment tho I was happy to not live with him or get married.
Took me on holiday where he spent all his money on me, planning future holidays. 17 days later he texted to say he didn't think we'd been too happy together recently(????) and wanted some space ( all by text). Asked questions, got dumped. 3 days later got key thru letterbox and texted him to say he didn't have to do this and he replied yes he did, he'd been unhappy for ages and if we hadn't been going on hol would have done it sooner.
Head was totally f***ed, mentally I'll, forgot to take passport to airport for my day trip to Europe with 15 yr old daughter, she'd been quite depressed recently, was sat on floor on airport crying, she ran off back to car, ASKED a strange man for a lift(!!!)texted him to say he'd made me I'll, daughter had missed trip, put herself in danger, I wanted him to apologise to her. Was rewarded with 'I've got a new girlfriend now (3 wks later) leave me alone'.
Have been in touch with domestic abuse helpline only to find I've been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse, with someone who is nasty to make me insecure and push me away. He is now been in touch saying he wants to be friends, he didn't mean me any harm, well he can right off

worriedmum28 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:44:43

Thanks got divorced from husband. 9 yr old son held knife to my chest twice, threatened to kill me and DD while asleep. Ex told DS I deserved it cos Id left him. This was all 11 years ago, DS turned out well,me and DD still alive lol

MulliganandOHare Mon 14-Oct-13 23:17:25

A very touching, emotive thread.
I guess the final nail was in our one and only counselling session, where (after telling the counsellor why we were there) she said to Ex H
'Wow, 5 infidelities. That is a lot'
And the look on his face... was of a smug, arrogant, self-entitled shit.

noNicknameAnymore Tue 15-Oct-13 15:55:28

And just one very sour comment is coming to my head
Like new Eminem song

"Oh I just died in your arms tonight
Must something you said..
I just died in your arms"

Wellwobbly Tue 15-Oct-13 19:05:17

Another one:

when he told me (having witnessed my hurt and upset) that he never once felt guilty in a post coital orgasmic glow in OW arms (2 year affair in our house, in children's and MY bed).

No integrity. No empathy.

M0reC0ffee Tue 15-Oct-13 20:04:53

Wow. It's like, when these unevolved guys move on, they treat the mothers of their children and the women they once loved worse than strangers. They treat them like they'd treat their enemies . I always felt (as a woman, typical I think) that if you once loved somebody you owe them a bit more than you owe a stranger, but I think for men it tends to be the other way round.
I know by the time I left my x he treated everybody better than he treated me.

noNicknameAnymore Tue 15-Oct-13 20:12:07

"*must be something you said"

amyjowebb Tue 15-Oct-13 20:25:46

I've never posted before but I just wanted to say how bloody brave you are. ..... don't ever go back. You will be fine I'm sure of it. Don't give up. Be strong xx

amyjowebb Tue 15-Oct-13 20:28:28

Oops I wanted to post that to nickysmam sorry.

Sidge Tue 15-Oct-13 21:09:30

When I met one of my best friends for coffee on her birthday and spent an hour crying uncontrollably when she asked if I was ok.

I remember sobbing and telling her I never knew one could be married but feel so lonely.

We then went on a family holiday and I realised at the end of the week that the only time he had touched me was when I asked him to put suncream on my back.

I uncovered his affair within a week of getting back and kicked him out. It was horrendous but as soon as he left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

LalaDipsey Tue 15-Oct-13 21:11:57

I want to read them all and will but for me, a few things,
I) bf baby dd before bed, crying, hearing him drunkenly crash around and swear downstairs promising her I WOULD NOT let her grow up with that,
2) H telling me and dd to fuck off when we'd spent hours baking his birthday cake and then he broke a glass, placed it in the bin without wrapping it and without telling me so when I changed then in it ripped my leg.
3) shaking 10 week old DTS saying 'shut the fuck up you little fuckwit
I knew I knew it was over but when I poured my heart out asking him to change and to stop drinking and he said he wouldn't and I said 'what if that's not enough' and he said 'well that's up to you then'. And it was. It took almost another 12 months until he moved out but oh my goodness I am glad we're over

BoxHillBessy Tue 15-Oct-13 21:26:26

When I was having my first miscarriage six weeks before our wedding and he had to go on a paragliding course because he'd booked it.
Five miscarriages, two ectopics and three sessions in intensive care later, the day he gave me the ivf clinic brochure- I'd been told three months before no more pregnancies as they might not save me next time. He thought I should keep trying...he didn't speak to me again after I said no. Took him another nine months to leave me.

OlympicSleepingChampion Tue 15-Oct-13 21:29:03

noNickname check out the original Cutting Crew song. So much better than the meaningless gangster rap shite that Eminem has added in. It's a great song in it's own right.

So many of you have put up with so much shite. And although I am tempted to say that I am lucky that DP has never been abusive in any way shape or form I realise that it should not be down to luck. That should be the norm and it clearly isn't.

TerrorTremor Tue 15-Oct-13 21:43:23

Some real vile ex partners on this thread.

Luckily I'm in a great relationship now but these are from past relationships.

My first ex was because he was quite nasty to me on and off from the start, just like my second ex really. However, what made me break up with him was when he told me his Grandfather had died when he hadn't, just to go out with his friends. I actually phoned up his Dad (who hated me, because his son and made up lies about me and didn't like I was 3 years younger) and told him about it. He was furious. Then partner phoned e 15 minutes later furious. I said he was dumped and that was it. Ironically about 3 years later his grandfather DID pass away and although I wasn't friends with him, I was on the phone for support.

My second ex was like my first as in was sexually and verbally aggressive but he took it more to eleven. I knew I couldn't be with him any more though after I found inappropriate pictures on his computer and when I confronted him he threatened to kill us both if I left the place. He got ill and had a mini seizure thing so helped him a few weeks later but, about a month after I went home to my parents and got rid of him because he was vile.

Now with current partner and luckily he is nothing like either of the other two. smile

worriedmum28 Tue 15-Oct-13 22:28:28

Yes M0reC0ffee they treat you like an enemy as if you'd been the one to hurt them! I went thru weeks of thinking 'if only I'd given him some space, he wouldn't of finished with me' till I got thinking it was the same as saying 'if only I'd given him some space he wouldn't of beaten me black and blue'. Everyone thinks he is a kind, lovely, funny man and I want to tell them he's not. I am an intelligent, professional, kind hearted woman, wouldn't hurt anyone and I am humiliated with myself for putting up with his abuse for 5 years!

FolkGirl Wed 16-Oct-13 08:19:59

When I look back I realise it was over when

He refused to tell me anything about the birth of my own daughter (I was really out of it). I didn't bond with her for a couple of years as a result and he blamed me for that too.

He called me a "fucking cunt" because same daughter didn't quite make it to the toilet in time when she had just toilet trained and wet herself. She was naturally very upset, I reassured her and dealt with it, he raged around the house about how I should have taken her to the toilet and not let her go on her own and I was a shit mother and didn't care about her.

He punched the wall next to me and told me I was lucky because most men would have punched me in the face.

I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from him and he kicked the door in.

I had no idea how much money he earned because it was none of my business and he used our joint account as his personal slush fund, ran up several thousand pounds in debts...

On reflection there were many, many times over the years when I did what so many other women have done - minimised the bad and maximised the good. It took for me to find out he was having an affair to finally end it.

He's still threatening me now. He makes comments to my son (told me this morning) about how it upsets him to think of him "living like this" (he means with me, in a rented house, with my slightly shabby 'eclectic' furniture, rather than with him and his new girlfriend (the OW) in her luxury apartment). He's already threatened me with SS and said that they would favour him over me because he's in a stable relationship and I'm not; and he has a large family/support network and I don't; and he earns more than me.

The signs were there from the start, but then my parents believed that a woman is irrelevant unless in a relationship and told me I was lucky that he'd have me and so I should stay with him. I thought if I just put up and shut up and pretended it wasn't happening, then it didn't matter.

FolkGirl Wed 16-Oct-13 08:22:13

I wish I didn't need the maintenance. That's the latest threat. I wish I didn't need it then I wouldn't have to keep him sweet.

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