Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My world has just fallen apart...

(113 Posts)

Last week I posted about how my husband had left because he needed space to sort his head out.

He left town yesterday to go away for a few days. I just got a text from him admitting that on Tuesday night he slept with my best friend. She had been putting him up so he could still see DD. I have no reason at all to think anything was going on prior to this. He said they were both drunk, she's been having some problems as well, they had a massive argument, made up, hugged and it happened.

I feel sick. Her DD and my DD are best friends...they talk about each other all day long. I can't believe this has happened...I want to die

CocktailQueen Thu 10-Oct-13 23:04:22

Oh my god. I'm really very sorry. Holding your Hand. Look after yourself and you don't need to make any decisions now.
Hugs.

A fucking text....how fucking DARE he...we've been together 6 years. Cowardly CUNT

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 23:09:24

Oh my good god. You poor poor woman sad

It seems that there are no depths some people will stoop and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this

Please brace yourself though that this is not the first time this has happened. In general, people who need space to sort their head out have already been up to no good

Sorry

There's a big back-story as to why he needed space, not important now. I've done so much for him, and supported him through so much. I KNOW I deserve better but I love him...for all his faults, I love him so much.

How do people hold it together for their kids?

She was the first woman I'd opened up to as a friend in years...I find it really hard to make friend and I'd just let my guard down with her....now this...

Concentrateonthegood Thu 10-Oct-13 23:13:32

You poor lady. Anger isn't the word, is it? You've been shit on twice here. Look after you first and foremost xx

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 23:17:08

Hmmm. Back story. Whose suggestion was it that he should stay there? What were they arguing about. I can't imagine my DP having a massive row with any of my friends

What a terrible shock to you. Can you call anyone in RL?

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 10-Oct-13 23:19:31

"He said they were both drunk, she's been having some problems as well, they had a massive argument, made up, hugged and it happened."

That is a crock of shit.

They hugged and then his penis magically made its way into her vagina?

Why were they drunk?

Why were they rowing?

Why did they need to have a hug to make up?

And make up sex?

Even if that is the first time they shagged, they were both building up to it and that's the real reason he was there.

Back story isn't really relevant right now...I don't have any reason to believe it's happened before, or that it was manufactured. but that's besides the point. It HAS happened...now I have to pick up the pieces.

What hurts most is that DD is friends with her DD.

I find it so hard to trust people...these two people were the only ones I trusted and opened up to...I'm broken

clam Thu 10-Oct-13 23:39:07

Of course you are. This is absolutely shitty.
I'm so sorry but I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, although I agree that you almost certainly haven't been told the truth here, about the chain of events, but how could you get the full story when he dropped it in by way of a fucking TEXT??

wine

CookieDoughKid Thu 10-Oct-13 23:41:44

Holding your hand Scarlett. You've been very unlucky. Keep faith that there are very decent people. Be angry. Its good for you but try, try not to let it eat you up. You are far too good for them.

Whatnext074 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:42:19

I would think that's unforgivable. I really feel for you and the impact it will have on your DD.

It's probably not important but have you heard from your former 'friend'?

Do you have somebody to keep you company tonight?

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 23:42:40

The back story is actually irrelevant, you are quite right

That is a massively brave thing to say and it often takes people a long time to get to that point

Now, you have your perfect excuse to look after just you and dc. He matters no longer. There are no questions left to be answered.

Today is day one. Take it from there thanks

There's part of me that feels relief. I dont' have to deal with his problems any more...in a way it's my friends I'm more upset about. And the fact that my DD has lost a friend, because I'm sorry but I'm NOT going put up with that for her sake. She's only 2.

I have heard from her...she's being defensive and stupid. He took advantage, she's heartbroken for her daughter, gutted she's lost a friend, I need to stop making her feel bad etc.

I really thought we'd be friends for years...

I just can't get over the fucking TEXT aspect of it....coward.

PerpendicularVince Thu 10-Oct-13 23:47:19

I remember your thread and i'm sorry, what an awful shock. Can you confide in anyone in RL to get some support?

Did your H tell you to confess and apologise, or just tell you? I wouldn't make any decisions now while your emotions are so raw, and don't put yourself under pressure worrying about DD's friendship. Can you get someone else to drop her off/pick her up from places she will see your 'friend' and her DD?

As for the fact you want to die, please call the Samaritans, a friend or your doctor. Your DD needs you and things will get better flowers.

thecatfromjapan Thu 10-Oct-13 23:47:23

That's really horrible.

I'm struggling to find anything to say - I feel so bad for you. Perhaps that is an important thing? I can tell you that what has happened to you is a truly dreadful betrayal of trust - by both your husband and your friend - and the feelings you have are legitimate.

You were not wrong to trust either of them. It is, generally, good to trust people. Generally, we make good choices for ourselves. (<--- Is this true for you? If it isn't, you might want to make a mental note to make space to work on this - but not now. Later, when you feel stronger.)

It is a good thing to have people in our lives and to be intimate with them. It makes us vulnerable, but it also enriches us.

It is horrible that you have been so let down - but you really will get through this, and you will not/must not let it turn you into someone who cannot share your life.

In the immediate future - the situation with her dd and yours is hideous. However, I do think you can probably minimise contact with the mother a great deal. Maybe leave it to her to sort out? But have a really good think about how you want to play it.

The alternative is seizing the initiative, and deciding now what you want to do about any contact between you, her, your dd and her dd?

How do you feel about it? Is it too much to think about just yet? You have the right to take your time.

sorry if all this sounds utterly banal. It sounds like a truly dreadful situation.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 23:48:42

Tell your ex-friend to fuck right off. Him too. Don't engage at all.

You have your freedom now. Use it wisely. He has done you a massive favour. I think you are realising it already, and that is to your credit.

MellowandFruitfulSnazzy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:49:09

That is shitty behaviour from both of them, no way to excuse it. So sorry this has happened. You will find people you can trust again in the future and they will be worthy of your trust - I know that's not much consolation now. Hopefully there will be a way round this for your DD and her friend.

PerpendicularVince Thu 10-Oct-13 23:49:42

Cross post, I just saw your update about your ex friend. What rubbish, expecting you not to make her feel bad. Ignore and cut contact completely, you deserve better.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 10-Oct-13 23:50:32

2 year olds don't really have friends.

They just have other toddlers their mother arranges that they will play with.

Your daughter won't be in any way seriously discommoded by not seeing this little girl any more.

And that woman was never your friend.

YOU need to stop making HER feel bad?

That tells you everything you need to know about the kind of person she is.

Not one worth bothering with.

MellowandFruitfulSnazzy Thu 10-Oct-13 23:51:20

'I need to stop making her feel bad' !! angry That is shitty guilt-tripping on her part. She can stop feeling bad when she accepts what a shitty things she has done, totally unnecessarily, to a friend. She deserves to feel bad. Just don't even reply, OP.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 23:51:24

A 2yo will make many new friends in the future. There is absolutely no reason at all to try and salvage this little friendship she had.

Onwards. Just like your 2yo, move on to the next stage without a thought for the last one. A great philosophy these kiddiwinks have smile

thecatfromjapan Thu 10-Oct-13 23:54:15

If your dd is two, you really don't have to worry about her friendship. Really. Mine are older now, and I can promise you that friendships aren't all or nothing at that age.

I don't know your backstory but I tend to trust Anyfucker.

If she's accentuating the positive in this - reminding you that this is actually a beginning for you; a first step into a far free-er, far happier, less stressful life - I suspect she may be right.

You know, a year and a half from now, it is quite likely that you and your dd will be sharing an ice-cream in the sun, and you will be full of joy. It probably sounds unbelievable right now, but if his moving out was something that you had to do, and have done, you are actually moving towards a better place.

Your friend, alas, sounds needy. Are you the nurturing type? I'm a bit like that. It's generally a good thing, but I think that I/you/me have to watch out for people who we allow to treat us like doormats. Which we are not.

DH has done nothing BUT apologise. He's a seriously messed up person and I thought I could help him sort his problems out...I guess not. he has reason to be messed up, but that's not my responsibility anymore, as long as it doesn't affect DD, and I don't believe it will. He loves her dearly.

I am nurturing...I like helping people. I always try and see the good in people and try and ignore the bad. I need to man up.

I don't really want to die...I just said that. Don't worry smile

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 00:07:22

I didn't think you wanted to really die. These two cuntbadgers are not worth that, it is clear.

You wanted to help him be a better man ? Not gonna happen. Not ever.

I know that now AF...I've been kidding myself for a long time. The good stuff outweighed the bad by miles so it seemed worth it....now it doesn't.

I've got issues of my own, I need to sort those out and focus on being the best Mum I can be. DD is all I have now and she's amazing. She deserves a Mum who's happy.

I still miss him though...I keep swinging from anger to despair...I'm guessing that's normal!

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:11:35

That's a relief smile. Onwards and upwards.

holstenlips Fri 11-Oct-13 00:14:28

Im so so sorry. How fucking awful. Listen to Anyfucker she is so right. I really hope you get some rl support too. X

Yeah...wine is helping. I know it shouldn't and I won't make a habit of it, but I'm rather glad I had some in the cupboard.

I just text DH and ended it with "anyway I'm going to stop texting as it's not helping. I'm angry and shouting at people isn't going to change that so I'm just going to get drunk and fuck the world"

Dickhead thought I was announcing my intention to go out and fuck everyone in the world hmm

swannylovesu Fri 11-Oct-13 00:21:00

my husband shagged my "best friend" as well...similar situation so i'm wondering if it should be added to "the script". our sons were best friends as well, although they were both 10 so sussed something was up although i've never confirmed it, neither has she as far as i know.

we are still together, it was horrific, painful and i'm still not the same a year later.

i blame them both equally, she knew the ins and outs of my marriage, he decided to shag her when he was pissed instead of fighting for us.

i fought out of sheer bloody mindiness at first, he was mine and no one was having him, then i spent a good 6 weeks despising him, then we started again to rebuild.

i've spoken before about what it takes to get over an affair, its fucking hard...so so hard. some days i stills wonder if its do-able but i do love him as silly as that sounds.

you need to take time to be angry, to work out what YOU want...his wants and needs are not your problem until you decide you want them to be.

good luck op, mumsnet was a haven for me while i was struggling, we are all here if you need us.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:21:11

Reading this, I think there's a significant risk you'll take him back, you'll believe that he wasn't having an affair with your friend before he left and you'll unite against her and bond in your mutual hatred of her.

I hope I'm wrong and you start to see the wood for the trees.

I don't think that's the case. A one night stand is bad enough. I can never trust him again.

swanny - sorry to hear about your story. Much love xx

Things were wrong with us anyway...this is a response to that. It's making me realise that I can't keep pretending I'm happy. There's a part of him that I love dearly. He's my best friend. But I can't forgive this. He doesn't want me to hate her, he's taken full responsibility saying she was vulnerable and he took advantage. That's irrelevant as well. What's happened has happened...circumstances or whatever.

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:26:19

Let your H think what he likes - it's no longer his concern. Try and get some rest tonight and think about the situation in the morning with a clearer head.

You know what's weird...when he first left a week ago, I was devastated...this seems easier somehow. Harder in another way, I think because my friend's involved and now my entire life is going to change and that's scary.

I feel more sure and focused...determined to get through it. This time last week I didn't know how I was going to get off the sofa...let alone do anything else!

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 00:39:15

Probably because the betrayal is so great that you know what you want to do, whereas before there was uncertainty.

You're facing this head on, which shows you're a strong person. Like AF said, this is day 1 of your new life. It may be a life different to how you imagined and scary, but it'll be a good life.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:46:56

I'm sure things were wrong with your relationship before he left. That would be him having an affair with your friend. FGS don't believe this crock of shite you're being fed about this being a one-off, after a row. It's pure bollocks and an insult to your intelligence. I'm sure the reason he texted you this info was to pave the way to you accepting there's a relationship going on here- and that's why he's protecting your ex-mate too.

Mark my words, the next chapter will be some old story about how they've bonded through their joint loss of you.

What I think is the least likely outcome here is that this bloke will be left with neither of you.

Unfortunately.

We'll see what happens Leavenheath - you may be right, I won't know for sure until it plays out. I hope not as that will be too much to bear.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:59:27

Yes, wait and see love. I didn't see any other thread but I can't imagine one from a woman whose husband has upped left to 'get space' not hearing from an avalanche of posters suggesting an OW. And here you are.

If your DDs are friends, does that mean you met her for the first time under 2 years ago?

When did things start getting difficult in your marriage?

You can probably see where I'm going with this...

Who knows? Maybe it's all fizzled out as soon as it became 'legit'?

Best thing is to have neither of them in your life but of course you're lumbered with him as a co-parent. I hope too that you aren't lumbered with her as a SM type figure and that this relationship really is over.

But be prepared for not knowing the full truth yet.

There are very valid reasons why he needed space, he has some mental problems he is now getting help with. An OW was never suggested on my other threads, but feel free to have a look if you like, but it doesn't really matter. Knowing what I know about the situation, it would really surprise me if that's what is going on, but you may well be right. If you are, then I'm an even worse judge of character than I thought.

All I care about now is what's best for DD and that is for her to have two happy, healthy, communicating parents, so I need to get my head around that. It's not in me to be a bitch about access, even if they ARE carrying on behind my back. It would hurt like hell, but I'd suck it up if I had to. DD loves her Dad so I'd never stop her seeing him.

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 01:16:42

No love, I won't look up your thread. I can probably guess the way it went though if some mental health issue was raised- any introduction of that seems to blind folk to the truth that it's still possible to mess around despite being ill. Baffles me, seeing as I've seen umpteen threads on here over the years about depressed men and women having affairs, or depression being 'misdiagnosed' on here when it was an affair all along.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about being a bad judge of character though. You trusted- and I daresay made loads of allowances for his illness. If you think about it, what sort of partner would you have been if you'd jumped to a first conclusion that two people you trusted were plotting against you?

Yes, assuming he's in a fit mental state to parent, best to withdraw now from any discussions about what's gone on and just get on with the divorce. Should be a quickie now you've got written proof of adultery eh?

He will be fit to parent, for sure, I don't have to worry about that. He's a great Dad. He was abused and has been having suicidal thoughts. Doesn't excuse anything, but that was why he was seeking help from the GP and the crisis team. He wanted me to section him but the GP thought it wasn't necessary and he's under close observation while he acclimatises to some medication. I won't allow unsupervised contact until this is resolved and he supports that (in fact he suggested it). I'm not excusing anything, just laying down a bit of the back-story.

You're right. I'm all cried out for tonight I think. Tomorrow is another day and all that. I called a friend earlier and I'm going to hers for a bit tomorrow. She would have come round tonight, but she has children of her own. She's a mutual friend and is totally shocked. It's going to rip our social circle apart but that's not my fault. I've done literally fuck all to deserve this...been chatting to some online friends as well who have really helped. I think I'd have gone mad otherwise. I'd already organised for an old friend to pop round for dinner tomorrow so that'll take my mind off things.

Jan45 Fri 11-Oct-13 12:54:47

Scarlett, so sorry but you will definitely get over this, esp with your lovely daughter with you.

Him and her have lost a very good person from their lives, I hope they both learn from it but actually who cares, they're both as bad as each other. You're so much better that either of them, illness, problems, mental health - whatever it is, it's all just excuses, they're not decent people simple as that.

mirtzapine Fri 11-Oct-13 15:57:28

I'm not one to give advice, my life is falling apart in a totally different way to your's but what i would suggest is find something to occupy your mind with.

Today I've cleaned the house, rung a number of support line, got some good advice. You'll dwell on it but don't let it spin you up to rash decisions.

Try to put as much of it out of your mind as possible

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 16:18:33

How are you feeling today Scarlet?

Thanks for the support last night everyone, you stopped me from going mad. I feel empty today...sad and empty. I've spent the day round a friend's. She's friends with all of us and is so shocked by what has happened. She's invited me out next weekend, so providing DH can have DD then I'm going to go. She's sad as we were a big group of friends which has just had a bomb dropped in the middle of it...She's livid with both of them, but doesn't want to get involved, which is fair enough.

I can't get my head around the fact that this is my life now.

Ledkr Fri 11-Oct-13 17:25:33

What a couple of total cunts!
Don't listen to anymore of their bollocks now just look after you and your dd,
How drunk can you be, in your house? In the week? When your dd is in bed? Nonsense.
Lick your wounds for a bit and then show them your can do nicely without either of them.

lunar1 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:42:09

So sorry this has happened. It's really good that you have told people in rl, you sound so strong.

Ha, I really don't get people saying I'm strong etc, although it's appreciated. I don't feel strong. I really don't. I wish I could just stop loving him. No-one got me like he did, I'd never been able to completely be myself around anyone...but I could with him. I feel like I've lost a limb. If I just hated him it would be easier...but I don't want there to be hate, DD would pick up on it.

weakestlink Fri 11-Oct-13 17:53:48

Twats - both of them.

You sound very strong though - I really admire you x

I have a good friend coming round soon, just put DD to bed. He should cheer me up.

It's funny you know...all day I keep looking at DD and just thinking she is the most beautiful, perfect human being imaginable...I love her more than I ever have today...not sure why. Maybe because it's just the two of us now. She makes me stronger. She's been so good today, I thought it would be harder. She keeps asking for Daddy and OW and her daughter...but that'll get easier I guess. I don't know what to tell her...I keep saying Daddy's on holiday. She's too young to understand anything else. She is my whole world now, and I'm lucky to have her.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 11-Oct-13 20:03:56

Scarlett you do sound strong and take pride in that. I read upthread where u said for some reason it seems easier after finding out about their one night stand. I get that. I felt the same, somehow suddenly you don't have a choice but to get on with it and be strong. It's that deal breaker moment. I also totally get the living your dc's even more after the betrayal- I think it's because their love got uou and you them just seems even purer. Focussing on my two gorgeous dd's kept me same and have me such strength. You just focus on your beautiful dd and yourself. Be kind to yourself...xx

mammadiggingdeep Fri 11-Oct-13 20:04:52

Awful typos...sorry!! X

PerpendicularVince Fri 11-Oct-13 20:19:04

In time they'll both realise what they've lost, i'm glad you have RL support. You'll get through this smile.

Having a wobble today...just miss him so much.

Hi sweetheart. I'm not surprised about the wobble, it would be strange if you didn't have long moments of doubt and fear.
You are strong, beautiful and an amazing mother. I don't know what is in the future for you but I do think you will cope with whatever comes and will be happy again.

But...it's shit at the moment and probably for a while to come.

He doesn't deserve you...and neither does she.

I've got to see him shortly, he's coming to take DD for the day, which is nice as I haven't had a break in days and she's been missing him. Not sure how I'm going to feel having to see him.

I've texted him and asked him outright if I'm going to have to get my head around the possibility of them being together. Waiting for this reply is the longest thing I've ever had to do sad

AmberLeaf Sat 12-Oct-13 13:05:41

Oh sweetie! I didn't see your other thread, So sorry you're having to deal with this crap sad

I know you are missing him, but please get/stay angry. You deserve so much more than this. flowers

He's just come and taken DD and I feel strange. I didn't realise I could feel so many emotions at once...angry, sad, nostalgic, empty, excited for the future, scared for the future...

I just don't know. He's said that there's nothing going on, and there wasn't before, and I do actually believe him. I didn't think I would but I do. I don't think he would lie to me about it now. He's been honest and said he doesn't really know how he feels about her. We were all very close friends, like the three musketeers or something. She's incredibly angry with him. But I feel like she's not taking responsibility. It's not like he raped her. I don't know how I can explain that I really do believe that to be the case, and I don't think they're lying to me, I understand if people can't see that as you're only going on my posts and don't know our situation or all of us as people, but I genuinely believe it to be the way he is saying it. I think it's possible he has feelings for her.

I do know one thing though...I am not going to apologise for being who I am anymore. I'm not that person who shouts and screams and gets angry...I'm not that person who cunts people off and tries to turn people against them...I'm just not like that. One of the bones of contention in our marriage was that we are very different people in terms of how we deal with things and emotions and we always seemed to wish the other person would change...

I am who I am and that's a laid back peacemaker who doesn't like dramas. I don't see it as a doormat, I will not be a doormat.

We actually had a good conversation. We've agreed that we're seperated and both need time to come to terms with what's happened and who we are as people before we do anything else. He's promised to give me money each week and have DD as much as he can. There is good in him and he is a great Dad.

Vivacia Sat 12-Oct-13 15:53:34

Financially supporting his child and spending time with her does make him a great dad. That's pretty much standard for a dad, and the bare minimum when it comes to expectations.

I'm interested in you not being a drama llama but not being a doormat either. I think this describes my approach too. How do you see yourself striking this balance?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 12-Oct-13 16:00:25

Christonnabike, ScarletLady I'm really shocked about all this! I'm glad you're not taking this lying down; you deserve much better and you seem to have your head very straight. Shitting hell though sad

I know those two things on their own don't make him a great dad.

I don't know really...I just don't see the point in kicking off over things if you can't do anything about them. I also don't see the point in getting angry with people for a long time. The other night when he told me what had happened...I was very angry...I don't think I've ever been angry like that. I don't see what shouting and screaming and slating people solves. I won't just put up with shit...but I'm much more of a "walk away" type person than a "scream in your face" type.

I've put up with a lot from DH over the years...because I love him. I will not do that anymore. And I will not put up with it again from someone else if/when I get to that point.

DD needs me to be stronger, I do sometimes worry that my passiveness will be a problem as a parent. Sometimes I am too passive and I should stand up for myself more, and that's what I need to work on. I used to not raise issues with DH because I was worried about a row. Sometimes keeping it in isn't healthy, so I need to learn to express my displeasure at things without being angry.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 16:06:26

Even if you believe nothing physical happened between them before the other night (I wouldn't) how do you square that with this belief that he's got 'feelings' for your friend?

Those 'feelings' wouldn't have just started the other night, would they? They will have been building up for some time and definitely before he left.

Like others, I think you might crumble here, especially if he wants to come back and decides to bin his relationship with the friend. It doesn't sound as though he's prepared to do that at the moment though and there is probably a blessing in that somewhere, to protect you from yourself.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 12-Oct-13 16:11:34

I think not being a drama queen and being passive are 2 different things. I don't think you've been passive. You've done your screaming and shouting and you're now processing and starting to deal with this shit.

When I went through cheating/break up scenario many friends would say "you're so together, so calm" and I'd say "well what do u want me to do?? Cry and scream and roll around in agony??". Like u I had a toddler, as well as a 7 month old baby. I stated focused and strong and dealt with a day at a time. What else can u do??
U r a strong, together woman. Your dd is lucky to have you and this situation is totally your h and your ex best mates loss. They do not deserve you any more. Keeping your dignity Is so powerful. Xx

She's his friend too, not just mine. We were all very close. We even talked about going on holidays together with all the kids. We've been helping her through a really hard time. DH is her "give it to you straight" friend...I'm the "hugs and cuddles" friend. She's having a really hard time from her children's Dad and we've both been supporting her through it. That's what makes it such a kick in the face.

I should have made it clear that she is just as much his friend as mine, sorry if that's confusing. That's what I'm saying about what I know about the situation, it's hard to put the whole thing across online. We both care(d) a hell of a lot about her, and I had no reason to think anything was going on. She was helping me deal with things when he first left and she offered to let him stay at hers for a night or two so he would have somewhere to spend time with DD. I honestly feel, or felt at the time anyway, that it was a genuine offer. But this has shown me that maybe he was struggling with feelings for her, and maybe even her as well, but I just don't know. A mutual friend feels the same as I do and has spoken to OW. She doesn't think there is anything going on and she's the sort of person who would tell me if she did. She's very astute and I think she'd have some inkling. She's spent time with them both when I haven't been there and noticed no weirdness.

Sometimes i do feel though that my "look for the good in everyone" attitude is a flaw. I always try and explain why people do bad things.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 16:37:43

How long have you been friends with her. Did you both meet her at the same time?

Nearly a year. I met her through Netmums funnily enough. It sounds mad saying "best friend" but we became close really quickly, then I introduced her to DH (she had a BBQ) and the three of us got along so well. We spent a lot of time together with the kids, it almost felt like we'd known each other for years. She felt like a sister to me, like we were all family. I never got any weird vibes between them, and I'm quite paranoid and insecure usually.

I find it very hard to connect with people and haven't had any friends for years so it was quite intense and we were all so happy we'd found each other as mates.

FrancescaBell Sat 12-Oct-13 19:47:30

And how was your marriage then, when you met her?

Was your husband ill yet? Was he talking about leaving you and needing space? When did all that start?

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:10:52

Im sorry but I think you need to stop believing him. I know you want to because you love him. He is not telling you the full story and it sounds like they have been having an affair for quiet a while. That's why he left. Men don't just leave for head space for no reason. Its all about her.

I can see why you would think that. I'm not going to keep arguing his case. I know what I know about the situation, I know why he left and needed space. I may be wrong, if I am I'll hold my hands up.

Either way, it's over and I'm trying to move on as best I can. I'm not trying to justify any of his behaviour.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:18:30

Im sorry, its just that everything you said seems to lead to that conclusion really. You say its over, has he said that or is that what you want? Things can be rebuilt if your both willing but only when all the facts are finally out in the open and that can sometimes take months. This is a horrible time for you and im sure each day is a fresh hell but just take each day as it comes and you will get through the days.

We talked earlier and I said I didn't want to make a final decision on anything when emotions were still so raw. We said we'll separate, take some time apart to work out what we both want, and then when we're ready we'll talk, even if it is a few months. If we decide we both want each other then we'll see, but to be honest...I'm insecure at the best of times...I think I'd be a paranoid wreck with all my female friends etc. I don't think I could do it, I'll just be miserable.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 20:44:42

You just don't know how you will feel yet. If you still love him and he still loves you after the time apart then isn't it worth trying again. Would you not want to at least see if it could work? At least if you did that then you would definitely know and if you couldn't continue then you could walk away knowing you had tried. (If that is what you want of course).
You don't say why he needed to leave to get head space. Im sorry I didn't see that bit. Maybe that would throw a different light on things but of course you don't have to say. Just don't do anything hasty although I could understand if you did. This is a shock. As I said before it could continue to unfold of the next weeks or months. Just really take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy and get through this.

I had other threads on here where I talked about it. He left about 10 days ago. He was badly abused as a child and never dealt with it and he's been having anger problems and violent thoughts. He broke down completely and told me to have him sectioned because he was worried he was going to hurt someone or himself.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 21:05:38

So although it doesn't excuse it in any way, maybe his having sex with your friend could be a one off. Try not to make any decisions. Just wait and see.

Personally I'm pretty sure it is as he says it is. I might be wrong, but just from both of their reactions and the timing etc. Unless it's an evil scheme that has been planned for...possible but I don't think I've judged them both quite THAT wrongly.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 21:14:59

Fair enough. You will find out one way or another anyway eventually. Sorry your going through this. sad

Thanks...I'm going to be OK, I just know it. When I calm down from being upset and think about it logically, I KNOW we don't really work and the only way we ever will is with a lot of work on ourselves, which we can't do together...so I know this has to happen. Either way our lives will be better for it in the end.

When you posted the other day about him going to stay with your friend, I thought why on earth would he do that. Now you know why sad

You sound stronger and I think it's really good you are planning your life without him as your partner. He hasn't been treating you well at all.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 21:28:07

Yep, you will be fine eventually. It will be a whole new chapter in your life full of possibilities that you wouldn't have if you stayed in your relationship.

PerpendicularVince Sat 12-Oct-13 21:39:31

It sounds like you're coping with this well today Scarlet, and are being realistic about what's happened and your future.

Being a peacemaker isn't bad, just make sure that you concentrate on your needs and wants and as well as everyone else's.

Is your DH getting proper help with his issues? To be honest, I think a break from him and your ex friend is a good idea whilst you decide what you want your future to be. You need time and space.

Although this friend is no longer a friend, don't let it affect your attitude towards future friendships. Be open to them and fill your life with people who are worthy of you smile.

He is getting proper help. He is in touch with the mental health crisis team and has to have weekly GP visits. He's been referred for emergency counselling.

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 22:06:46

Scarlet your last posts throw a whole different light on this thread. Im sorry I didnt know about your other thread but without the last couple of posts about his mental health it just seemed like a simple case of him cheating. He might well be cheating but its not that simple is it. Poor you. What a hard time you must have been having with it all.

That's what I meant when I was talking about the back story and me knowing the situation. His mental state doesn't excuse anything obviously, but it's like I've got this in-built thing that defends him because I know how much his childhood was ruined by his non-entity of a father. He was literally hopeless and suicidal a few days ago...he really didn't seem like someone having an affair, this is why I think it was a one-off. I'm not trying to drip-feed or anything, it just seemed like it wasn't totally relevant at the time and I'd explained it all before.

It is bloody hard...my Mum is really ill as well, I'm terrified of telling her what's happened.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 12-Oct-13 22:21:37

"He was literally hopeless and suicidal a few days ago...he really didn't seem like someone having an affair"

Sometimes people who are having affairs become very distressed by the dishonesty and stress of the double life they are leading.

I'm not saying their affair was ongoing, but I wouldn't take his poor mental state as proof that it wasn't.

I'm not...I just know him. Like I said upthread, I might be completely wrong, but from what I know about him, I think this was the first time.

No matter what is actually going on, it doesn't change how I'm going to deal with things so I need to stop torturing myself. He's going to be there for DD, she'll be OK, that's the main thing. I can focus on getting the house sorted and my college course and making a better life for myself and DD. She's worth it, I don't know what I'd have done the last few days without her.

Lucca22 Sat 12-Oct-13 22:42:03

What a pair of lowlife's...don't worry neither of them will trust one another, knowing they've both cheated. Mine's just done the same thing, not with a friend because he managed to scare most of them away but with somebody who was all to happy to see a marriage and family split up, says a lot about her. It hurts but keep strong, let them pay the price because they will......time will see to that.

Thanks Luca22

They've lost a good person, I know that's what I am. They will regret it and I will be stronger for it. I am still at the stage where I don't feel like anyone will ever "get" me like DH does...but hopefully that will change.

mignonette Sat 12-Oct-13 23:00:13

I'm sorry to read this Scarlett.

Sending you love and a virtual <<< hug >>>>

And cake.

FarOverTheRainbow Sat 12-Oct-13 23:00:55

So so sorry, I have no advice but will had hold xxx

PerpendicularVince Sat 12-Oct-13 23:05:49

Of course you'll meet someone else, if that's what you decide to do. There'll be plenty of people that you'll connect with, it just doesn't seem like it now because you've had such an emotional upheaval.

Whatever happens with DH, you'll cope. You have a lovely DD and a college course to concentrate on. Whether it was a one off or not it's unacceptable, but you know that and are taking steps to protect yourself. You're doing great.

Thanks...it doesn't feel like I am snuggled up on the sofa with biscuits, wine and a duvet. This place has saved me!

PerpendicularVince Sat 12-Oct-13 23:35:30

You'll always get support here smile.

Thank-you smile

You all keep reminding me I don't have to put up with this and that I'm better than this. I have really low self esteem so it's good to be reminded of these things when I'm feeling low.

It's scary the thought of being single though...I haven't really been single since I was 15...that's half my life! I've never even been on a date!

Rules Sat 12-Oct-13 23:52:21

You will be fine...biscuits, wine and a duvet...what more does a girl need lol....smile

That's true...I've got a rabbit upstairs if I get lonely grin

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 01:18:06

You don't need a man then grin.

Ah bollox, now I feel a bit drunk and depressed, Why the fuck did they do this to me? All I've ever done is be supportive and nice and help them both through shit...this is how the repay me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 01:54:44

Nothing is wrong with you, they did this and they must take responsibility. It says nothing about you and everything about them. They honestly don't deserve you.

If drinking is making you feel miserable, please stop and try and get some sleep. Plan a nice day with your DD tomorrow so you have something to look forward to.

In future, you'll meet a new partner and friends. Things will get better flowers.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 02:30:12

Er....nothing is wrong with you. There's something wrong with both of them though. Remember that! Xx

I feel like the weather today....dull and shit. I just want to go back to bed, got hardly any sleep.

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 11:38:22

Sorry you're feeling this awful, but I think it's understandable. It looks to me as though you have been so determined to be reasonable, fair and trusting of everything that those two have told you, you've forgotten to get angry.

I find the relative brevity of this friendship revealing. It really isn't long enough to know the true character and personality of a friend.

It might be an idea to step outside this situation and see what you'd think looking on.

Because what I see is an age-old triangle that was formed immediately you met her, not a friendship between two women. Your husband was always as involved as you in the relationship with her, from what you say.

I'd have been interested in what posters here would have said if you'd ever started a thread presenting just the facts.

I met a single mum a year ago through a website and straight away, my husband and I got on so well with her, so much so we called ourselves the three musketeers. DH and I have been giving her a lot of individual and separate help coping with the fall-out of her break-up. Now my husband has said he's got suicidal tendencies and wants to leave our relationship to get some breathing space. He's going to stay with our friend.

I hope your anger comes through and you start questioning the way you view these events and how they happened.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 11:40:03

It may be because you're starting to accept the situation and it's very upsetting. Can you invite family or friends over to spend some time with you, or take DD out for the afternoon?

It will take time to get over this, but you will x

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 11:40:20

It may be because you're starting to accept the situation and it's very upsetting. Can you invite family or friends over to spend some time with you, or take DD out for the afternoon?

It will take time to get over this, but you will x

I actually feel OK now. DH has just come to take DD for a long walk with the dog. We've talked. I really do know for sure nothing's going on between them, or if it was then it's finished now. They don't want anything to do with each other, and this is backed up by people who have seen them both and their reactions to everything.

People can call me a mug, but I know what I know, and it's hard to put that across on here.

Either way though, it doesn't really change anything. I know in my heart of hearts I could never trust him again. I got her wrong...I didn't think she was "that sort" of woman, but as you say, it was a relatively new friendship. We got on so well it was very intense. I do, however, know my husband. He is truly devastated by his actions. He's going to have to live with that though, because I am not going to feel sorry for him. I love him, and I probably always will, but I can't be with him, not now. Even if we tried, he admits he'd always be paranoid I would do it out of revenge, and I'd always be paranoid he'd do it again. We've agreed to just focus all our energy on DD and getting both our heads straight, and leave it at that for now.

Rules Sun 13-Oct-13 16:46:10

Hi Scarlet you are either a very strong disciplined lady or you have yet to be really hit by everything.

Why do you say that? I don't know how to feel or deal with it any other way to how I feel now. I wish I could get angry and scream and shout and hate them both but I can't. Does that make me strong? Or numb? Or in denial? I don't feel like I'm denying things, I know what he's done and it feels like a knife through my heart.

He's just left after dropping DD back. It's so bloody hard I wish I didn't give a fuck about him but I do. I can't help it. I think he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He's got an appointment with the crisis team tomorrow at the hospital. In a way I'm kind of hoping they keep him there for a few days, I'm actually really worried about him. I know him and this really doesn't feel like him trying to get sympathy. He seems resigned and despondent. Hopeless. I know he deserves some of that but my reaction to it surprised me. I thought I'd be happy he was so low, but I'm not.

This doesn't effect how I feel about what's happened by the way. I'm not forgiving him for his actions and I'm not trying to justify or explain away the situation, but I don't want to see him like this.

God if I hated him it would be so much easier. The feelings I have towards her are easy (if that's the right word). With him it's so damn complicated.

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 17:49:37

How I interpret this is that you're still in a state of shock, so the feelings you're experiencing are not yet 'true'. It's less about denying what's happened and being unable to believe it- and more about having an inauthentic response to something very traumatic. The denial phase of bereavement is actually far more complex than our normal association with that word.

It's not unusual in people who've suffered a shock to be very calm and organised in the early days- even appearing to be accepting of the situation they find themselves in despite it being the last thing they wanted to happen. But it's not 'real' and until that phase passes and more authentic emotions start kicking in (such as anger) it means you're in a state of suspended animation.

Perhaps you're right. I do have anger...I just find it a hard emotion to deal with. And I don't mean that I lash out...I just tend to suppress it. I have an incredibly long fuse.

I am being treated for depression at the moment and I'm on the waiting list for counselling, so hopefully that will help me deal with it better.

Every day is like a rollercoaster...I feel sad, then angry, then positive, then scared and so on. I know I need to keep busy and try not to isolate myself. I tend to do that when my depression rears it's head. It's just never happened when I've lived alone with my child. I need to stay strong and together for her. The normal person who I'd be crying to is the reason I'm crying and that makes it hard to deal with. I'm going to tell my Mum in the next few days and that should help make it seem more real I think.

My way of dealing with crisis is usually to either stick my head in the sand, or become very objective and almost disassociate myself from what's going on to stop myself feeling.

Rules Sun 13-Oct-13 18:12:42

Because you feel that you have already made the decision that its over.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 18:16:09

I actually react to stressful situations in a similar way to you Scarlet, so I understand where you're coming from.

Counselling will help you express your emotions, and it's good that you'll be doing this. Make sure you take time for yourself and don't worry so much about your DH that you lose sight of how you feel and your own recovery.

Take small steps and make sure you go out and do something/visit someone every day.

Feeling a range of emotions is a natural part of grieving for your marriage, so don't worry about that.

I think you're right Rules, I am pretty definite about that. I do still care for him and want him to be OK despite what he's done. Mainly because he needs to be there for DD so I need him together and sorted.

Part of me is quite excited for my future. I've never been a single adult. I'm quite looking forward to only having myself (and DD obviously) to deal with. That's when I'm having a good moment anyway. It is very sad...he was my best friend for 6 years...we were going to take on the world!

Tired today.....it's been very therapeutic writing this thread. Thank-you, you 'orrible lot! grin

Need to get back on my house sorting plan, I was really getting somewhere before all this got dropped on me. I swing from being really motivated to wanting to go back to sleep

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now