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im leaving him, but i dont know where to start, need your help!

(40 Posts)
NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 17:13:59

Some of you would have seen my numerous post about P so will know the background,

I've just had the final straw, he was poaching an egg and it went wrong so started throwing the saucepan around the kitchen covering me in boiling water, I went mad and shouted at him to clean it up which he replied none of the water got me, it did, we then argued about it hitting me and I stormed out, he followed me into the lounge so I pushed the door shut (didn't want him near me) and it hit him, he went even more nuts and full on tackled me to the floor holding my neck, infront of dc. He got off and fucked off back the kitchen saying 'if you hadn't of hit me (meaning that I had punched him, which I did WHILST he pinned me down) he wouldn't have had to restrain me' .... so apparently all he was doing was restraining me. To be honest I did hope the door would hit him.

I know I was also in the wrong, I shouldn't have shouted but the boiling water sodding hurt and I was furious!!! Don't flame me I'm really not in the mood sad

I want to leave but I don't know how.

I've looked online and have found a house to rent, the cheapest I could find was 750, I've worked out housing benefit and its 692.08. With bills, children, no money and no job how the hell do I afford to leave?

I can't stress enough that I have NO money!
I know if I begged and pleaded my df would let us stay with him for a while, but he'd hate having my dc there. Also he lives miles away and I don't want to move again when dd has just made friends and started a nursery she loves, plus I've finally made some friends.

What can I do? sad

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 17:14:56

Sorry if that makes no sense, I'm on my phone and this happened 30 mins ago so am still shaky.

anon2013 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:19:12

Go to citizens advice tomorrow and keep looking for a place OP. Hope you put the burn under cold water sad

spacegirl81 Thu 10-Oct-13 17:26:30

Call the police. He's the one that should be leaving. Not you.

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 17:37:10

He's not here now, hes gone to work to do a 12 hour night shift.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 17:42:34

Definitely call the police and get medical attention for the burns. He threw boiling water on you and had you round the neck. He could have killed you very easily. Get the police to prevent him from returning home & talk to them about getting you into a refuge. If they can't help with that contact Womens Aid and tell them you urgently need a place for yourself and DCs to stay. 0808 2000 247

He is a dangerous man.

Vivacia Thu 10-Oct-13 18:57:17

If somebody did that to me, I wouldn't be letting him back in to the house.

What's the housing situation?

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 19:36:11

I doubt I'm going to call the police, he did mean to throw the water around but he didn't mean to get me with it.

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 19:38:07

We rent, not much else to the housing situation really :-/ its in both our names but he pays all rent/bills and he paid the deposit, I'm a sahm.

lentilweavinghippy Thu 10-Oct-13 19:40:13

Get the locks changed & inform the police what has happened before he gets back. Why should you & the children move?? It would be much easier for him to find somewhere else to live. Stay strong x

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 19:52:39

I can't afford to live here anyway sad
I'm getting even more annoyed now, I thought he would have text to say sorry or ask how I am or at least ask if dc went to bed ok sad

Feel sick.

lentilweavinghippy Thu 10-Oct-13 20:01:14

You could go to your local council/housing association & tell them you are homeless - which would be technically true if you leave, even if you are staying with family temporarily. They should sort you out with emergency accommodation until they can find you something permanent. It's not ideal, but neither is being attacked in your own home. You've made the right decision.

Albert27 Thu 10-Oct-13 20:04:41

Get away from him. Speak to housing/police/landlord. You have a child and he can bunk with a pal. And it doesn't matter whether he intended it. He is clearly volatile, it happened and you are at risk. Stay strong. Deal with each step one stage at a time. The first step is to keep him out the house and away from you and DC. I wish you luck.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 21:37:56

Even if he didn't intend to burn you, he was reckless as to whether you got hurt. If he can't control himself he is a danger to you and the children. What if it had gone all over your face, or one of the children?

Holding you around the neck is a really big red flag. He did it to show you that he has the power to kill you if he chooses to. Sorry to sound so dramatic but I don't think you realise the severity of his actions.

Report him to the police now.

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 23:00:06

Can't sleep sad

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 23:01:48

I'm going to go to CAB tomorrow but I don't know what to say, I find it hard to talk to people, I get all nervous then literally can't say a word. Bloody hell.

anon2013 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:33:00

Write it down on the way so you don't forget anything. Don't be afraid

NandH Thu 10-Oct-13 23:42:50

Do I just ask what my options are in a situation like this?

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:14:07

He's just text

'You owe me an apology, I'm sorry for getting boiling water on your leg I didn't mean for that to happen'

He cannot be serious.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:15:03

He's basically only text to ask for an apology, if I wanted to apologize I would on my accord.

Talk to the police, get legal advice. He will have to pay maintenance for the DC, and it may be possible for you to stay in the house and keep him out of it as he is violent and abusive.

BillyBanter Fri 11-Oct-13 00:26:27

What is it that puts you off calling the police?

Whatnext074 Fri 11-Oct-13 00:30:41

Save the text! You may need that. If there is a mark on your leg too, go to the doctor just to get it logged.

You can now only get legal aid if you are a victim of DV and this is DV but you would need to report it.

The CAB will tell you what you're entitled to and will do most of the talking. Just tell them briefly at first what has happened and they'll take it from there.

I am worried for your safety, do everything you can to protect yourself and your DC.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:31:53

I've had police involvement with an ex, who was unfortunately like p (I do um well) and they weren't very helpful or protective and in fact made things worse.... so I moved away, I don't want to have to move away again when dc and I are just getting settled.

I know as soon as p and I are separate there will be no more issues.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:33:32

Do I tell CAB about previous incidents with him or just this?

Madlizzy Fri 11-Oct-13 00:36:54

He did this in front of your child. He could have killed you in front of your child. If you don't take action, this may be the reality, your child witnessing your death. I'm not being over dramatic either. Call the police.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:38:14

I do um well was ment to be pick them, sorry sad tired.

Whatnext074 Fri 11-Oct-13 00:39:41

Tell CAB what you feel comfortable with at this stage, they also have a lot of information on their website. I would tell them everything and also tell your GP everything, get it all logged. Don't delete the text and be careful what you put in a text yourself.

If you want legal advice, a lot of solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation. If you're researching these things online, make sure you delete history and cookies.

Don't tell him you're seeing CAB or anybody else to get advice, don't tell him your plans. He sounds volatile and you need to protect yourself. He doesn't see he's done anything wrong and that's not normal.

Talk to the police, ask to see a female officer, not sure how long ago it was you saw them but they are much more understanding now of DV and will only take action if you tell them too, they will not jeopardise your safety.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 00:44:31

Thank you whatnext

What are cookies?

Im not sure what's relevant to cab and what's not, I don't want to waste their time with stuff they don't need to hear.

BillyBanter Fri 11-Oct-13 01:18:45

tell them that he is violent and you are at risk.

cookies are um information that your computer/websites save about sites you've been on.

And agree that you must not give him an inkling of what you are planning. If what you would normally do now is apologise then do so. Be compliant, don't be tempted to give him any reason to suspect your plans.

Also speak to Women's Aid.

Mumrunragged Fri 11-Oct-13 04:03:18

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. I've been there with an ex and it's an awful situation to be in. My ex blamed me for everything, he'd say it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't said this or done that!. I did get away and start again but it was easier for me, no DC at the time and just left with the clothes on my back.

Local council housing can and will help in these situations, women's aid can help and CAB should be able to put you in touch with organisations to help too. Don't stay and suffer an abusive relationship, you and your DC deserve so much more.

I have an iPhone and To clear history, cache, cookies etc on there I open bookmarks and a list appears, click on history then click on 'clear'. Not sure how to do it on other phones or if it's the same. If you're unsure, google clear cookies, history or cache, it's pretty easy to do once you know.

Good luck x

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 17:14:08

I hope you don't mind but I've decided to write a list of why I'm leaving him to keep me strong, angry and keep the hate feeling going. I can't write it on paper because I don't want him to find it so I'm going to do it here so overtime I get a slight thought of 'oh ill just stay', I can get angry again.

- he never helped with ds when I was insanely tired and fed up.
- at that time he was having several emotional affairs.
- when I felt incredibly in confident and self conscious he was sending/receiving explicit photos to other woman.
- he criticizes everything I do.
- all house work/child care falls to me without a bit of gratitude, when he occasionally makes me breakfast I get reminded of it at least 3 times the same day.
- he cheated and gave me herpes.
- he is selfish.
- he is shit in bed.
- he is physically abusive.

God that makes me angry!!!

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 17:19:09

mumran that you for your post, glad you got away! I intend on doing the same.

Went to cab but they were short staffed and asked if is come back Monday, so ill do that. In the mean time I'm dreading the weekend sad

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 17:22:22

Sorry ment thank you mumran

On phone and trying to be quick.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 17:24:06

He sounds really horrible, N, that list makes for very sad reading that you are still there and tolerating this kind of shit.

There is no way he is ever going to change into a decent person. Stop wasting your life on him, love.

NandH Fri 11-Oct-13 18:44:21

I know anyfucker , you've given me great advice before and I'm putting it all into practice now. I sort of feel strong today knowing I'm finally going to be free sometime soon!

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 15:24:26

How are you feeling today, N??

NandH Sun 13-Oct-13 15:29:22

Shit, I'm doing as a poster up thread suggested, apologizing, playing along until I can officially leave, its hard, I just want go! He keeps trying to kiss me etc and I just wanna push him off.

DeathStar Sun 13-Oct-13 15:34:15

You'll get child tax credits as well as benefits, which will give you plenty enough to live on.

Also CSA will be onto him to cough up his share, but that won't be discounted from your money until it's formally settled. Make sure they are collecting the payments from him, not you.

Just walk out, basically. And report everything he's ever done - filing a complaint about someone doesn't have a time limit x

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 16:05:03

Not good, love. Is there somewhere you can go while you get the wheels in motion ?

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