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How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

(585 Posts)
redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:28:23

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Whatnext074 Wed 09-Oct-13 23:36:45

Just to say that I feel for you. Almost 4 weeks on and I'm the same except I know my H will not come back. Would you take your H back?

I personally don't think I could be friends with H, even in time as it would hurt too much. Keep on with the NC, I'm doing it but I know how hard it is.

You say the days are long and by your name, do you have anything to distract you during the day - are you working?

ConfusedandDazed24 Wed 09-Oct-13 23:40:20

But look how that panned out for Sinitta?! grin

Seriously though OP, I understand how shit this can be. I had an ex who did this, I also knew his patterns and I found myself on edge most of the time waiting for the next contact. Best advice is to block all you can so he can't get to you. If on twitter/FB delete and block, block his number if you can (if you're on an iPhone iOS7 lets you do that now I think), can add his email address to blocked senders. What would be your response if he does make contact?

redundantandbitter Wed 09-Oct-13 23:43:40

Thanks . Should change my name as its old. Yes, working , physically hard outside work. Could be a blessing. I should add that weren't married. I was OW to start, but had last 2 years together . I appreciate you all hate OW and I hate myself too. I was obviously incredibly naiive to think we had learnt from our crappy mistakes and were bit more grown up. I have certainly learnt some hard lessons. Thought he had too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 07:53:07

Four weeks isn't very long at all. I think all you can do is stay out of contact, take it one day at a time (bit clichéd but can't think of a better way to say it), endure the bad days and make the most of the good days. On a good day stay busy, have plans, be with friends, chuck a bit more of his stuff in the bin, repaint a wall, drive to the coast .... whatever would make you happy. There does come a point where the good days start to outnumber the bad ones and you just have to keep yourself occupied until that happens.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 08:07:32

Thanks cog.still feel on edge , still having those internal
Dialogues about what happened, where, why? Why couldn't he just sit and talk to me like a normal human/friend . Why all the spiritual crap. I am so disappointed, yesterday wasn't a bad day. I kept holding into the thought that he's emotionally immature.. And can't handle his own feeling or anyone else's. he's going on a course soon to be a hypnotherapist and I am
Astonished that he thinks he responsible enough to charge people to look inside their feelings. Still doesn't help my loneliness but it makes me 'down grade' him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 08:15:06

I think how you're feeling is normal. Not much comfort, I know, but it's the grief process working it's way through and the classic cyclical response to change.... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Internal dialogues are bargaining. Deciding he's emotionally illiterate is anger. It's why you need to stay occupied so that getting to acceptance doesn't totally mess up your ability to live normally.

deXavia Thu 10-Oct-13 08:25:14

I read your previous threads and you reminded me so much of a close friend (you're not her but very similar situation) that I couldn't post without bringing my frustrations over from her.
But on this point can I ask - do you historically get over one person by finding another? Was part of being the OW a way out from your previous relationship? It may be that's the issue you need to address - not so much how you get over him but how you accept being by yourself.
As I say I may be projecting so ignore me if this is t the case but I'd try and switch your thoughts from being about 'his' behavior and more about your own.
But in the short term it's finding distractions and 'slapping yourself' every time you fund yourself counting down to the mythical 5 week deadline (based in last time) or the 'couple of weeks' based on what he said to you before.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 08:28:56

Would you "stay friends" with anyone else that treated you like this ?

He isn't your friend

Who wants to do that...him ? To salve his conscience, look what a good guy I am really. Or you, in an esteem shattering way of staying close hoping he will come back to you

Look love, he is a cheater. Always was.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 08:36:11

God it's hard isn't it? All the churning feelings, going over it all, asking pointless questions, what ifs. I feel for you I truly do.

I don't think there's a set time about how long you will feel like this. It'll take the time it takes. Be kind to yourself

Things I found helped:

- keep busy. No staring into space. Even if it's a crossword or whatever. Keep yourself occupied

- write it down. I wrote dozens of letters to my ex. Of course I didn't send them. But it felt cathartic to write it down and get it out of my head iykwim

- when I was asking myself all those pointless questions, I would say, outloud "IT DOESNT MATTER". Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what happened, how he's feeling, what you did, what you could've done etc etc because it fundamentally doesn't change anything. And even if you knew the answers, they are unlikely to make you feel any better. So, it doesn't matter.

I also had some mindless but wonderful sex with a very lovely fuck buddy but I'm not sure that's always advisable.

Like cognito says, take it one day at a time. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad. And you'll look in the mirror and realise you're through it

Anniegetyourgun Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:40

Simon Cowell has friends? hmm

Sorry - as you were.

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 10:19:04

Thanks, yes I will take the 'it doesn't matter" advice and use it. Though my mother is going down that line. It's hard to take my attention from him. I was completely absorbed in that relationship for 4 years and felt like we had just started to settle properly . My relationship with Dc's dad was WELL over and we both agreed that. I am 43, single parent, crisp job.. And I really can't imagine letting another close partner in. Even the thought of mindless fuck buddy sex makes me feel sick. Though I'm glad it works for some folk . Back
At relate tomorrow. Thanks COG for the stages of grief. Helps actually xxxx

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 10:31:07

crap job

piratecat Thu 10-Oct-13 10:58:47

you have to unwind from a relationship, and it does take time, there's no timescale though.

It's good days and bad, you think you've learnt from it one day and feel you're going backwards another. Yet i always say to myself, life will carry on going, time keeps ticking and you have to too.

I'm single parent, your age and it's a funny age, it's hard but don't keep looking back. xx

redundantandbitter Thu 10-Oct-13 16:20:37

Yes piratecat I agree with the unravelling. I can hear myself saying this to him with his marriage. Doh. whatnext074 thanks for your words. I know you are going through an horrendous time too. Today I was late for work, too hard getting out of bed, motivating DCs and crap car. A woman shouted at me in the street and I burst into tears. Its hard to accept that my EXP is swanning about without a single thought about the trail of destruction in his wake. I feel heavily responsible for EXWs pain. Wish I had posted here when he first whirlwinded into my life and you could have talked some sense into me. I had a cold uninterested aloof P, new baby, made redundant on mat leave and no money. It was pants. Still no excuse for affair but I'm wiser now. I just never experienced pain like this . With Dc's dad for 17yrs and previous to that ,at college, men just came and went , things ended naturally. Never heartbroken like this. Poo

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 16:27:34

Resist the temptation to think in terms of 'Karma' or something similar punishing you for past wrongs. Life simply doesn't work that way. He was an arse then, is an arse now and will die an arse. It is poo but what can you do except keep getting out of bed in the morning, firing up the crap car and sticking your nose out of the front door...

BitOutOfPractice Thu 10-Oct-13 16:56:35

I agree with cog. Don't best yourself up now. Just concentrate on being calm to yourself and healing.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 11:32:05

So I went to Relate yesterday which was helpful to unload and cry . But slightly set back by the suggestion of the councellor that my EXP is having a mid- life crisis (doing the 'whooo' spiritual stuff) and there's a chance he will return . I know it's only her opinion and she sees these things a lot, but I really need to hear that he's gone and let him go. It hurts so much to think he's having a 'blip'. Would i want someone so flaky and destructive? She also said she could use me to others as a textbook example of how to manage separation - living separately, not in each others pockets, giving each other space, taking time to introduce kids. I think she was being honest and positive but it just made me breakdown in floods. Today is not a good day. I appreciate he's gone. He hasn't been in touch for 2 weeks. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 11:39:21

Whenever I hear the phrase 'midlife crisis' I want to reach for my service revolver.... It's such a get out of jail free card for a middle-aged person doing anything selfish or unusual. I am middle-aged... I can be deliberately selfish and/or unusual and it's emphatically not a 'crisis'. You can't base the rest of your life on the assumption that this is a temporary thing - waiting for him to wake up and click his newly spiritual fingers? - you have to keep living.

It's just a bad day... Look after yourself.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 11:45:29

I know, thanks. She was just trying to say that SOME people between the ages of 40 and 50 struggle to leave behind their youth and start grasping at things they feel they 'should' have done. Yeah she's probably right, he's having some fun. Whatever. But it's the thought that she thinks he may come back. I don't want spiritual hippy idiot back, I want the old him. So I know I will have to plod on, it's fine. Still got a few things around the house that he gave me as presents and I can't get rid as the kids will
Notice . A big board poster in my fireplace with a very romantic message for instance. They don't know he's gone, I just told the older dd that he's busy with his course and won't be coming to the house anymore. They still mention him happily in passing, it's a real dagger in the heart. Sorry

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Oct-13 11:50:19

I think, two weeks in, and given that you're not actually being given the choice of whether you want him back or not, hippy or no hippy .... you're going to have to level with the DCs.

redundantandbitter Sat 12-Oct-13 16:17:32

Can't tell the kids . Their dad has moved out and married super fast, so much has changed for them. I'm not going to land another bomb shell now. It's not what I wanted.. People coming and going in their lives, actutely aware of that. Two failed relationships looks bloody crap. And my mother dragging me to Ikea that is full of pregnant ladies and people holding hands wasn't a good idea . Now I am poorer and have stuff that I don't have the tools or energy to assemble. Just kept seeing things he and his dds would like. argh. I need a slap. I desperately want to see him again though I know it wouldn't help. Do people simply NEVER see their ex p's again?

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 21:15:53

So, I tweeted his friend. Someone I really got on well with (and his wife too). Talked about music etc and then he dropped it into the conversation that it was a shame about me and EXP. He thinks he's still trying to 'find his inner soul and the meaning of life' . I just know if me and his friend and his wife were all in the same room we would be rolling our eyes and mouthing 'whatever'. How come some people are grounded and happy with their lot - and some can't see what they have and need to 'find their inner soul'? Even my DB, who is struugling with his own issues, said he was disappointed that my EXP couldn't keep his penis in his pants. Sorry to rant, I'm still so upset and confused and its been a hard, wet, cold week. sad

CinemaNoir Wed 16-Oct-13 21:51:50

Yes, some people simply never see their expartners again.. Just like that. It is the only thing that works when it is painful for one party.

I think you need to make that cut too. Even for your kids sake. And I suppose that your kids can sense that something's amiss anyway even though you say they don't know he's gone.

Draw a line, do whatever you need to do to end this (in your head and heart). Clear out his stuff, unfriend his friends on twitter and fb.. Even if they have also become your friends... When it comes down to it you have to rid yourself of everything and everyone to do with your ex.

Don't count mythological numbers in your head like PP said, and I agree, keep busy, don't hang onto the midlife crisis excuse... Your ex has left ou for another woman - do you really want him back ?

Start a new life for yourself. Change your furniture around, try and meet some new people, change your hairstyle.. Out with the old.

I have never managed to stay friends with an ex, especially when I have been dumped.

I am really sorry for this shit you are going through, have also read your other thread. Cut him out of your life or you might be in for a prolonged ending.... I am talking from experience. You need to be stronger than this!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:17:39

Thank you - I was doing ok, well sort of, til I read the tweet. I shouldn't have picked the scab. Now I'm crying and typing. I suppose I thought his friends wouldn't know coz I assume he's keeping new shiny lady quiet. She has a separate group of hippy friends that he can slot straight into. I expect he is embarrassed to tell people he's left me - as most of them Will say 'but she was nice, you said you loved her'. He won't want anyone to know he has fucked up and moved on again, especially his EXW. I have let him go quietly but inside I am dying slowly. I do hate what he's done and I tell myself that the lovely man I knew has changed and gone but its lonely you know. Missing the physical warmth. He was always very tactile. I feel
Like shit

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:30:40

He's studying to be a hypnotherapist? Does that mean he and yoga lady are doing a chrysalis counselling course? If so, they'll be lucky to earn much of a living as therapists. BACP won't accredit those courses or those who have trained on them coz they're not reflective enough, don't insist on personal therapy ( an absolute must IMO) and are generally substandard in every way.

So, the post I wrote in your last thread about the trauma bonding of therapy training may no longer stand, as this isn't really proper therapy training (no offence to any chrysalis counsellors out there!)

CinemaNoir Wed 16-Oct-13 22:31:29

Am really sorry I have nothing more positive to say but it looks like it is time to unfollow his friends on twitter.. Any news of him and thoughts about him will make you feel worse. Don't even spend an ounce of energy speculating if he's keeping her quiet. That doesn't concern you and your life. Even though he is an ex. He is an ex and therefore he should be in your past really.

But it has only been two weeks so obviously youre still cur up about it... so give yourself a couple of days of pity party if you haven't already and then. Let. Go. You can do this, it will make you stronger!!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:41:54

I hear you... But I feel set back now.. It's actually nearly 5 weeks since he Told me and I feel like I have lost that time. I guess it's coz I've never actually been dumped before. I always ended relationships and I have certainly never experienced still being in love and sexually attracted to a man who says he's found a strong spiritual connection with another woman - who quite frankly, is the same age as me (wrong side of 40) and a single parent with 2 Dc's. just like me. Argh. Ok, I am going round in circles..sorry. The course he is going on (already started) is at a big famous hospital
In my area. He likes the kudos. Yoga lady had already done the course so I guess she has been 'supportive and encouraging' . I reckon no amount of self analysis would help him. He thinks he's the bees knees and really 'in touch'
- I know it's a bag of shite but it makes me feel a bit empty and question if I'm shallow. We liked vintage retro stuff, getting our hair quiffed up and dancing to the stone roses... Now it's all Krishna this and beads. Huh???

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:45:05

jacey when he started waffling on about the course I suggested he wait a year and 'get himself more sorted' which was my polite way of saying get some therapy! But no, he's charged ahead AND decided that a crappily ended relationship would be the thing to do right now. Thing is I would have supported him through it like the sap I am.

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:47:14

Ok well that's interesting because the NHS currently does not fund hypnotherapy because it's aloadof--old--bollocks not in the NICE guidelines as proven to be effective.

Still never mind, not your problem what he does now, the twazzock!

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 22:47:55

Ha, my first attempt at a strike through! Fail!

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 22:50:16

Hmm well I can't really answer that. Only got the scant information I was given my him. He's already planned how to pay for it, applied for the leave and got himself a provisional place. I was the last to know... Says something doesn't it.

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 23:39:26

Aww honey, you're not shallow! Why would you think that? It sounds as though he doesn't have much of a secure sense of identity and flits from one way of being to another without ever discovering who he is and what will make him happy.

I would actually agree with the counsellor that it is highly unlikely things will work out with yoga lady, in fact he'll probably decide his next true calling is as a performer in a travelling circus or something and piss off with a trapeze artist!

Point is, this kind of person (and they are just as likely to be women) will never really make their partner happy because they themselves are not happy. They're kind of like, a hollow Easter egg with no bag of sweets inside. Trying to find someone to fill the void but not realising that what they lack cannot be found in another but that they need to do some serious work on themselves, which is nowhere near as appealing as throwing their lot in with the next 'big thing'.

Fwiw you sound bloody lovely and I am sure you will be absolutely fine smile

redundantandbitter Thu 17-Oct-13 08:27:05

I know it's a mean thing to say but I hope you're right jacey. I hope she susses him out for being a bit if a charlatan and a bit hollow. I hope he gets hurt like this and doesn't hurt her. She doesn't deserve pain. I really can't best to think that she's his 'one' and they end up getting married. We always supporters each other such a lot- knew so much about each others lives and past. He has but it all off for stranger - but I guess he did that to his wife too. I am still so in love. I am shallow. Just a mum, running round , juggling, brushing kids teeth etc. while he can do yoga and meditate. Who wants a busy crappy mum?

JaceyBee Thu 17-Oct-13 16:19:42

She's a mum too isn't she? Or did I get that wrong? It doesn't matter how spiritual you are, there's still homework and tantrums and cleaning the bogs etc to do. Sounds like he's chasing a fantasy.

redundantandbitter Thu 17-Oct-13 18:35:50

Yes, she is a single mum of two (12 & 6) .. I can't help thinking he's seen the 'camp' side of her and real life will be .. Well, real. School, money, work etc. my counsellor just told me that maybe he thinks she has something 'extra'. But I just think she has something different and that she will be lacking in other areas. No one person can be amazing in all departments. I hope he realises what he's lost. I want him to feel this pain. Maybe she'll dump him for being hollow . BTW I liked the hollow egg thought . So down now. Having to talk in relate always makes me think of our great sex life and happy happy times over the summer. I SOOO didn't
See this coming and neither did he. So disappointed that he's been distracted . Oh, bloody crying again now ...sorry

BitOutOfPractice Fri 18-Oct-13 09:15:08

I am relating a lot to the things you and others are saying about beadboy here about my ex. I also had what I thought was a happy fulfilled relationship with him. We were madly in love. But that wasn't enough for him. He was restless. Looking for the next move. The next place to live. The next woman.

At least you can console yourself that he will never be truly happy or settled. He will never find that peace, no matter how hard he looks or what woo or hippy stuff he tries. Because he is, in his inner core, a selfish fucker.

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 10:01:37

Beadboy! I like. Having a terrible day, no sleep, counselling yesterday. Feel like its pain I am due/owed because I was the ow and now he's left me for yoga lady. So my pain isn't the same. Sorry

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 10:04:42

bitoutofpractice and did he keep
Moving on.., I am
Fully NC. Though a nice friend of his tweeted to tell me how he thought it was sad that he'd left me and all this spiritual
Stuff is all bollocks. That upset me. I do picture the man I loved as gone/changed and some hippy dippy yoga twat in his place- tell myself that I wouldn't recognise him now.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 18-Oct-13 14:02:47

Op I have no idea if he's still with his ow or even what country he lives in now. Not seen or spoken to him since the day I went and confronted him about the unbelievable shit I had found out about him.

He did text me last week saying he missed me and was listening to our songs and thinking of me. My eyes nearly rolled out of my head. I didn't reply because I no longer give a tiny rat's ass about him. And you will get to that point too. I promise.

OvertiredandConfused Fri 18-Oct-13 14:12:50

I have stayed friends was a couple of exes but not ones that dumped me, and nor would I want to. Both were good relationships of a 2-3 years that just ran their course as our lives changed in our 20s. No betrayal or abuse, just sad realisation that we wanted different things or had different outlooks.

redundantandbitter Fri 18-Oct-13 14:31:33

bitoutofpractice god, I have a lot to learn. I just didn't know this sort of thing went on, how much hurt people were struggling with. I have seen so much of it on MN in the past few weeks. How long ago did you leave your man? Can't believe he contacted you.

I think I panicked and 'wanted to stay friends' . Yeah.... No! It would break my heart to see his face again. No contact is the way forward - I am just so consumed with the mourning for something lost. For the record neither of us knew anyone that had embarked on an affair. It was frightening, stressful and painful. For me anyway. I hated the depths to which I sank . I wasn't a clever smug OW that I read described on so many threads. I was a stupid devoted puppy, hanging around like a twat.

Where were you all when I was at such a low ebb 4 years ago that I let this man into my life. I am
Sure you could have talked some sense into me. Saved me such a lot of heartache.

jacey how come some people learn and realise the extent of their actions? I am simply not the same person I was - and others (like him) just roll out the same shit excuses and riddles and move on to the next shiny thing.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 19-Oct-13 09:21:12

Last time I clapped eyes on him was January this year. It's still such early days for you and you'll still have some slips I'm sure. But you will start to emerge from the fog soon and the good days will outweigh the bad. I know that all sounds so clichéd but they are clichés because there's truth in there.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 10:23:15

Jesus! Was lying in bed trying to visualise myself as a photo in a newspaper and was cutting myself out with a big sharp pair of scissors... Trying to detach from him - but now I feel wobbly and my legs are weird and I'm utterly churned and feeling bloody awful. Why why why does it feel like this? Think I may be on the cusp if asking GP if anti d's would be useful but I am extremely bothered about becoming fuggy headed like my exp did when self harming - he couldn't remember what day it was - and I have to remain sharp, kids, jobs etc. do they work? Will they make this endless f***ing pain leses?? Off to cry in the shower . I really miss him and want to talk to him more than anything .

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 10:26:15

Apologies for the post... I feel like I've been run over by a bus and would do anything to feel his arms around me.

cactuscantina Sun 20-Oct-13 12:02:59

I am saying this not to be cruel as I know the feeling you have and it is just awful.

But the reality is he is not worth having back and whether you mope about/take anti depressants/cry whatever, or if you say to your self fuck him and try to look after yourself the outcome will be the same.

ie he might walk back in the door and beg his return or you may never see him again.

Either way isn't it better to focus on your self think what you want what makes you happy and then whatever of the above scenario's happen you will be in a better position to deal with it.

you really can do it and survive this! it really doesn't sound like he will though. (and that by the way is his problem and NOT yours)

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 12:13:07

Thank you... Things are getting in top of me.. I have to Make a cake with the kids..my brother is coming in an hour... My dog is self harming and Yesterdsy was I
An ok day but today is terrible and I want to just hide under the kitchen table. How could he do such a twatty thing to me knowing I will feel so utterly devastated. It's totally affecting every part if my waking day and my nights are spent unlnowingly dreaming of someone snuggled up to me in bed. I feel like its 1 step forwards and 2 steps back . I am sick of crying. I want to wake up from this very bad dream .

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 12:49:05

Hence shit typing

BitOutOfPractice Sun 20-Oct-13 12:50:37

Oh you poor thing hmm it's so fucking miserable isn't it? The pain is agonising and it truly does feel like it will never end. The future just seems to stretch ahead like a bleak desert.

But it will end. It will. I promise. You just have to survive it at the moment. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Then one day you'll feel ok. Not great but ok. And those days will happen more often. And then one day you'll feel good. Then great. And you'll realise you're getting over him.

It's still such early days for you. Go easy on yourself.

The truth about him is that you long to feel the arms of the man you love around you. But that man doesn't exist any more. It turns out he's a selfish, delusional, lying fuckbadger. Would you want the arms of a selfish, delusional, lying fuckbadger round you? No!

Try and distract yourself with the kids and your brother. You are doing great and you will get there in the end

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 13:02:57

Hiding in the bathroom sobbing

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 13:33:04

Selfish delusional fuckbadger? Or just someone who decided I wasn't really that exciting or interesting any more. I'm a bit shit. A crap 43 yr old mum. Not the interesting person I was a college, now he's had all he can get from me which is just love and emotional support, some financial gifts - he's thinking 'I can't spend my life like this' . And rather dump all the history we had for the option of something unknown. That's how much I was worth. Fuck all.

cactuscantina Sun 20-Oct-13 14:22:01

you have to stop thinking in this self destructive way i feel cruel to say this but am saying it to try to make you think of yourself. At this point in time he doesn't care if you''re crying or not. He is probably not even thinking of you at all.
He didn't do this to you, he has just done what he wants. It is not against you per se
When you were the OW you didn't do anything against his wife did you? It was just that you wanted to do what you wanted - this is not an attack just an observation to help you see it is not against you!
That doesn't mean you are worthless - do your children think you are worthless or your friends and family - of course not!!!
Stop thinking about his motivation for leaving it won't make sense now and try to look after yourself.
This pain will go away, try to calm down and stay busy.
Can you get into a counsellor or someone to talk to?
You are not worthless - you are amazing!!

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 14:27:37

Oh OP please don't do that to yourself. You are not the tiniest bit shit - he is the shit! It is still early days. Your in shock and going through a grieving process. Being dumped is horrible and of course it's going to have a massive effect on your self esteem but in time when your head is clearer you will realise it's not you, it really is him.

I am 8 months on from being dumped. The first 4/5 months were just awful, I don't know how I functioned some days. I have now been 3 months NC and it's really helped. Try and keep busy, throw yourself into other things, talk to RL friends. One day you will look back and wonder why on earth you wasted any tears on this man. You said he's done it before and then realised that the grass wasn't greener. If this happens again I really hope you'll tell him where to get off.

So sorry you're feeling down OP, it will take time (((hugs))) x

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 14:37:09

I am going to counselling . Seeing her again o Friday. It does help But I know soon she is going to say 'enough of him' and I'm not at the point where I can just put him away in a drawer marked 'stupid mistake' . I was a stupid OW. I did whatever he asked me to. Come over, go away, wait, don't wait. He talks in riddles and waffles on. I didn't know where I was from one day to the next. Headless chicken. It was so crap - I can't believe I went through all that. Then it settles and becomes more civilised and that's not enough. Ok for the rest of the population but not him. I deserved so much better after all I gave him, sacrificed . And if my pain is horrendous then his EXW must have been so much more. I know life goes on - it drags me along - but the humiliation and loneliness is awful. I felt so happy and attractive and loved, I have never felt desired but he adored me. Sorry to go on .

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 14:46:36

Thanks hun, he did it before when he decided to 'stay with wife/duty/kids' which is awful to think you are someone's duty ?? I hated the way he Spoke about other peoples feelings. He listens to his own - but no one else's.

He got back in touch when he realised it was going to take a mammoth amount of effort from his side and he just wasn't willing to go there. She actually kicked him out - good on her - he may have stayed dragging it out for years.

But this time it's easier to fuck me over and skip into the distance with a shiny new fresh face. Urgh. I feel sick . He will have doesn't a lot of time on his own recently and I might have crossed his mind. I say I am NC but really he hasn't been in touch - 3 weeks since his last email 'hi honey, how are you?' . WTF?

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 14:48:15

Don't be sorry, that's what we're here for. The thing is when your the OW and he chooses you, you think you're THE ONE - that's probably what his EXW believed too. You probably believed that things were never that good between him and is wife, he probably made you believe this (sorry a bit of assumption here) and it was you who was his real soulmate. He is a narcissist.

Have you written things down? I started a journal and have written lots of letters to him, the OW, just things in general. Also uplifting quotes about moving on etc. And if you still need to talk to the counsellor about him then do so, your the one paying for the service.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 15:24:48

Narcissist? I have heard this a few times. I will have to write something to him. I bought a card that makes fun of his bald patch (made me chuckle) and I will leave it with his things that I am dropping at a friends next weekend , for him to collect at his leisure. I was going to write something simple like ' I loved you, but you're not that person anymore. You're a stranger and I deserve better' . Is that pants? I lurch from day to day so
Should feel differently tomorrow.. I hope so

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 15:37:17

Honestly OP? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a note or the card (although I completely understand why you want to do this) just drop off his stuff. Everything I have written down has been for my eyes only. I have written some hateful things and then shredded them. I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me and how much he occupied my thoughts. You will be a little stronger every day x

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 16:03:24

Ok, I wasn't going to tell him anything about me or how hurt I am. Just making a point that he doesn't deserve me, or I deserve better etc. Obviously I don't even believe it myself, I've lost count of the posters on here that say they have met someone more wonderful and lovely but I just won't entertain the thought of another man in my life. I'm
Just too naive and trusting. So i'm looking at a future alone and that's what hurts. We went on a real journey with our sex life and I miss that part terribly. Plus my kids found him excellent company and still chatter about him. He's never once asked about them. I want to poke his eyes out with a pointy stick.

Reprint Sun 20-Oct-13 16:14:47

Hi, OP. I am sorry its so hard at the moment.
To answer the thread title question .... I was told that it takes about a month for every year you were in the relationship - and I would probably concur with that. Certainly I turned some sort of corner after the three year mark.

Which is not to say that you won't become a functioning human being much sooner than that!! Simply that it probably takes that long to stop thinking about it at some point each day, and (for me) to not have his voice in my head whenever I needed to make a choice or decision.

I totally understand the "never trust again" attitude, and my best suggestion is that you don't even bother thinking about that side of things for a while. Certainly stating that viewpoint to friends always results in a deluge of advice on how mistaken you are. Which is no fun.
The aftermath of a break-up is not the time to think about getting into another relationship anyway - first you have to learn to live with yourself again, because we are never the same people that we were before.

I have only one piece of actual advice: don't send the card off with his things! it is engaging with him, even though indirect. Do not engage at all. In any way. Don't answer emails, don't respond to texts or comments on FB designed to enrage you into engaging.
It is the ONLY way to stay free. And heal.

You are stronger than you feel. Make the most of RL life support - and brain dump safely here flowers

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 16:23:25

Ok. I won't send it. There is nothing to engage with. He's sent nothing since 3 weeks ago, I've done nothing since u last saw him 4 weeks ago. He's not even trying to engage with me. He couldn't care less. Out with the old and all that. I expect his EXW to be in touch more than he will. She will want to gloat/talk/create some sort of drama coz she wont be able yo reach shiny new yoga lady. She will give him a f**cking hard time for me. fHe knows he's done wrong and he'll be too ashamed to contact me. Sorry again, I am listening I promise

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Sun 20-Oct-13 16:28:51

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of getting in touch in any way. It would just feed into his massive over inflated pretentious ego.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 18:04:17

Is that what he is? A massive overinflated pretentious ego? A narcissist? Is that it? the man I spent years loving to bits. It appears now that I have been loving a 'type' and not a person. That hurts. So what does that make me?

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 18:13:37

I'm sorry OP but the harsh reality is that you ended up with a man who lied and cheated to his wife while he was having an affair with you. So basically you got a liar and a cheat.

I am not judging you btw but unfortunately for you (and his EXW) this is what he is.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 18:22:45

But that's what I am too then. Except I wouldn't EVER to that again. Why have I learnt but he hasn't . We always talked about this in an open way. What shit we'd done, grief we'd caused, mess and upset. But it was always followed with the sentiment that we were honest with each other . I know two wrongs don't make a right but I guess we always thought that something could rise from the ashes. Now I feel like a total twat

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 18:45:46

This is why I called him a narcissist OP. It's all about him. He obviously loves the attention and the drama of it all. He hasn't learnt anything because he is devoid of empathy.

I understand how you must be feeling right now and I really feel for you. All the grief and upset you went through and for what? He is obviously a repeat offender so I wouldn't expect this new relationship to last either.

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 18:57:18

putitonthelist thanks so much for your support. It can't be easy giving advice out to the likes of me. I do tell myself that this next relationship won't last. I know it's a petty thing to do but it helps me in dark moments. I hope too, that she is a savvy chick and sees through the handsome exterior and glimpses the shallow interior faster than I did. But for now they will be skipping about ... She knows about me and what we went through.. How does she feel about being his 3 rd woman in 4 years. I feel a bit dirty and used. All this talk of STI checks etc. it's completely f**king depressing. So unhappy.

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 19:16:12

The likes of you? smile OP I am you! This was my exact situation 8 months ago so I really do understand.

I am just further down the line so cam look at things more objectively. I went through utter turmoil, told myself I got what I deserved after what we did but he had got off scot free again. But he hasn't. He will be a lonely old man, will have trust issues in all subsequent relationships and when his children are older they will know what kind of man he is.

I felt dirty and used, went through STI checks - it was a lesson learnt. A very harsh one! I actually saw him the other day and felt nothing, it was massive progress for me and you will get there too x

BitOutOfPractice Sun 20-Oct-13 20:21:09

Ok op I'm going to get stern. Thus us not about you or your imagined shortcomings. You could be Claudia Schiffer crossed with Einstein with the social life of Paris Hilton and he would still not be satisfied. Men like this are never satisfied. They are always looking for the next thing. I'm my case it was a Russian tart 15 years younger than us. Next time it'll be something different.

It's not you. It's him. He is the shallow wanker. You are are wonderful, sexy, intelligent, caring woman. It's just he wasn't man enough to realise what he had.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 20-Oct-13 20:25:25

And having just read back...no! Do not send that card. Trust me. It will not have the effect you want (which I suspect is to mans him want you back). It'll just make you look slightly unhinged. Don't do it.

Remember: the best answer is no answer

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 22:22:46

putitonthelist thank you for your honesty , I always feel like a second class poster on MN , though everyone is genuine and supportive, it's just I will always feel shit about my history with him. So, you have been there and done that. You poor love. It's horrible horrible pain. I have tried to support an OW on MN but have such a crappy few days I can't even help her. Can't believe you saw him recently. That would be weird. I recently thought I would have to go to his place of work (police station) with my volunteer job but managed to go to an alternative place. Proper freaked me out as I knew he was on duty.

bitoutofpractice thanks for your words. Actually it helps to think that he's not doing it to me - he's going ahead with what he wants. It's a subtle but important mental shift. Him not me. Him not me.

Do you think in a parallel universe there's a DADSNET where he's posting about me being dull and boring and loads of others dads are saying 'you dodged a bullet' ?

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 22:28:04

The card idea wasn't to make him want me back - it was to take the piss out of his bald patch. MASSIVE Achilles heel . But I will resist. I promise

fuckedmylifeup Sun 20-Oct-13 22:39:10

Hope you are okay r&b. Your PM's got me through some very dark days of late and I can't thank you enough. You are going to be fine. For us both it will take time but there are plenty of posters on MN who can testify to the fact that we WILL get there. KEEP GOING. thanks

redundantandbitter Sun 20-Oct-13 23:33:47

Hey fuckedup thanks, I'll live .. Which is as
Much as I can manage right now. Hug to you, you must be feeling fed up too. Night x

Putitonthelist Tue 22-Oct-13 17:23:06

Hi OP - just wondered how you are doing?

redundantandbitter Tue 22-Oct-13 17:32:20

Ah thanks . It's a bad day, less bad day pattern at the moment. Today was terrible til Lunchtime. Spent the morning at work thinking I should phone in sick tomorrow (something I have never done) and spend 2 days on sofa.

Can't geT an app at the docs til 1st nov but will try for an emergency app tomorrow. I don't even know what to say to the doc as I am worried I won't be able to function with the Dc's if I take medication. I am totally wrecked. Tears . I feel a fraud as I'm not a wife and we didn't live together but the things we have been through !! And my future with him has gone up in smoke. All this talk of STI checks is just horrible. He knows I am soft and naive and I though I say I am NC the truth is he hasn't even tried to contact me for 3 weeks...and other posters say things like 'he's not eve thinking about you'. So utterly miserable. Sorry, bet you wish you hadn't asked now.

MuffCakes Tue 22-Oct-13 17:39:20

I really really really recommended the NC book www.amazon.co.uk/No-Contact-Rule-Natalie-Lue/dp/146639577X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382459821&sr=1-1&keywords=no+contact+rule

It's really amazing, and theres a difference when you decide to go NC and make a new start not have it thrust on you. She talks a lot about this one relationship she found the hardest to get over and she was the OW then. Really cannot push it on you enough!

Putitonthelist Tue 22-Oct-13 17:40:54

Do it. Phone in sick. Have a day on the sofa. Put some films on and have a good cry. Your bad days will get fewer and fewer, I promise you.

Don't be daft, you need to talk and get things of your chest. I thought about going on ADs but had already been on them during my unhappy marriage and decided to go through the pain without them. I think it was the right decision for me. And I completely understand, having to have a STI check is awful but it's better than the alternative x

redundantandbitter Tue 22-Oct-13 22:52:19

muffcakes thank you for the link. Another poster recommended Baggage Reclaim . I went to the site and I realised I had already committed half the list of do's/ 'don't already. This is the same author. Thanks for the idea.

Think I will muddle on through work tomorrow . Thanks ladies.

Wellwobbly Wed 23-Oct-13 05:58:36

As a housebound SAHM I would say 'carry on going to work' because work is bigger than you, it provides routine, it reminds you that there is a world out there and he might, just, eventually, become a small part of it.

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 10:01:57

Wobbly - I managed it today. But so f'ing exhausted. I know I wasn't married / kids etc with but I put my heart and soul into my relationship with him and I'm left totally blindsided. I' m still in shock. It's 6 weeks. He doesn't care. I am shattered. Tired. Stumbling around. Thinkmineill take tomorrow off. Then I am off with my Dc's til 5th nov - gives me one day to sleep. So very very sad . Thanks again

MuffCakes Wed 23-Oct-13 10:10:25

I think you should call in sick and spend a day on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself, then make some plans for half term and treat you and the dc. Sort some things out to look forward to and if you can afford it lots of eating out and takeaways because who wants to wash dishes and clear up the mess.

Wellwobbly Wed 23-Oct-13 10:21:49

As a wife, I have always said to OWs: you and I (the two idiot women) are sides of the same coin.

The horrible thing R&B, is that they tell us who they are and we don't believe them.

When my H was dick deep in OW he treated me like absolute sh*. Did I believe him? Or did I say to myself (with his help) 'he is depressed and confused, I need to understand him better'. Why wasn't I asking myself, 'what am I doing, hanging around with this person who isn't treating me nicely and who isn't my friend?'

We lie to ourselves, overlook stuff in order to invest in a situation and control it.

You did the same. He was telling you he was a cheat and a liar and was ultimately only thinking of himself by using other people, and you chose to believe it was soulmate love. (Hey, so did I when I first met Mr Sparkle, the only difference? We were both single).

There is no difference between us in terms of self-respect and living our lives authentically.
And our heartbreak is our lesson. Wise up, and get a proper life. Dont' fall for not nice men (who probably fear and dislike women anyway, certainly they have to in order to treat us like this).

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 15:59:32

Cheers - finished another incredibly tiring day at work - I have decided I can't face another day so will call in sick tomorrow . Feel really bad doing it but really struggling. And worried about burning out.

Taking the Dc's glamping next week but its going to be cold and wet and generally hard work - can't believe I booked it and it wasn't cheap! My exp was supposed to be coming with us and I could have done with a pair of hands. Now it's up to me to feed / keep everyone warm /happy . The Dc's keep asking if he's coming- even though I've made it very clear he isn't.

.wellwobbly - he held me at arms length for 2 weeks after he came back from 'spirit camp' , I had a feeling I was being pushed out. Didn't stop him Having sex with me though - got his priorities right. I went to visit him and was feeling strong and knarked enough to say 'hey mister, I need some commitment here!'. Something I just woukd never ever do. We are both flight and not fighters. But I knew something wasn't quite right... Then he says he's met another woman. Ahhhh , that explains it and spoiled my speech . Bugger

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 21:31:09

Hang in there Redundant, This bad will pass too, Great idea to take tomorrow off. Have a sofa day,- I'm sure a day of Jeremy Kyle will cheer you upsmile

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 21:45:57

Thanks. I have jobs to do.., really shit stuff that's piling up. My mum is STILL staying with me so I will have to watch time team and Poirot and what other shite stuff she wants to watch. I'll hide under a fleecy blanket .

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 21:52:41

ooh time team- that'll cheer you upsmile

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 22:00:02

Unfortunately it reminds me of my lovely exp (I know, I will get told off for calling him that but I still think of him as someone I love deeply).. My M and him would sit and watch it together on the odd occasion and they LOVED it .., it was like I wasn't in the room. I know she misses him too. She's just as shocked as I am. Sorry, going on again

cjel Wed 23-Oct-13 22:14:42

Don't worry about thinking hes lovely - I still think of mine like that(he really was a lot of the time) I do hate those memory triggers thoughsad

redundantandbitter Wed 23-Oct-13 23:16:07

I remember your posts cjel about defending him sometimes. You had many years together didn't you? God it's heartbreaking to hear people's lives. Once some of the 'occasions ' are out if the way things may look different. It's his birthday soon and them our anniversary - the first time we met. Wallow wallow wallow .. I'm off to sleep before I slip any deeper. Thanks, I appreciate it .

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 00:14:43

Hello redundant. You really must change that mine soon young lady!

Just checking in to see how you are. Feeling rather wistful I see this happens. Still happens to me now. But eventually you'll be able to look back at the good times and smile without regret.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 09:21:26

Got raging toothache so much much sleep. I regret it all bitoutofpractice -evey minute. Too much stress and anxiety and pain. I wish I'd never set eyes on him. He's broken me and he doesn't give a shit.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 09:56:03

Oh you poor thing. But you're not broken even though it feels like it right now (and I remember the feeling really well so I'm not dismissing it at all). You are stronger than you think. More resiliant than you imagine. You are a woman and a mother and you can and will get though this I promise.

Two things to do today:
1. get a dentist appointment
2. plan one nice thing for yourself. Do you belong to a gym? If so go and have a sauna. Have yougot a book you've been meaningto start? Make yourself a nest on the sofa and get started on it. Paint your nails. Make a fantastically elaborate lunch just for yourself. Go for a walk in the woods (it's a gorgeous day here). Go on. Do it! Do it all!

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:11

Morning redundant, Hope you can sort out your toothache. Yes we were together 35 years and don't waste time in regret. There must have been good times, Yes he has let you down but now he should no longer have any control over your life. The best revenge is to live a good life. It will pass and you will feel better. Give yourself a bit hug today (well after getting rid of the pain)
Perhaps you can persuade dm that time team isn't a good idea today as you are so poorlyxxxflowerssmile

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:17

You've been here ? I can't imagine being out of this f'ing hole. I' m missing him dreadfully and can't quite believe that he's not been in touch. I could be dead for all he knows/cares. Just a couple of months ago we had such a fantastic time doing loads of things we'd talked about. How can he have been so stupid to 'be distracted by a strong wind' - so basically he was pottering along with me and then something else came along. Sooooo absolutely no
Commitment to me, nothing, not a backwards glance. I was totally his, no question. This pain is horrible. Ok, it's a bad day.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:10:29

'big' not 'bit'

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:14:36

Made an app with dentist but is not til tomorrow. After my counselling session. I'm such a f'king mess. Lost so much weight. Sorry, I can't do the gym or anything .., I'm in floods . Did the school run and walked the dog , I have so many jobs to do I feel weighed down . I know I know I am stupid. A clever bright person would never have let herself get into this state.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 10:20:52

give over !! Any person - clever or stupid would feel the same as youflowers
Don't you have a walk in dentist near you?
You have done school run and dog walk and made dentist appt its not 10.30? you really aren't giving yourself any credit for the way you are managing.
The right way to cope is to do what you can , feel what you feel and don't stress about the rest. I had times when getting out of bed, shower and breakfast took me till 12 or 1. Then I may have 2or 3 hours when I made the bed or did some washing then when it got dark about 4 sat and cried for the evening.

You may be a mess but its a normal mess and you will pass through it.
As for all the things you have to do - put one foot in front of the other and make a move towards doing one and see how you get on.
Consider What would happen if you sat and watched tv and did none of them today?

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 10:38:03

Thank so much for listening me whine on.. I am in a never ending circle of tears. I have taken the day off and I feel very guilty about it. Would love to slob but I have my freelance work to do before tomorrow and the place is a tip
. I am here on MN reaching out instead... Coz i feel so shit. I managed day to day and he was the nice part of my day. Texts, phone calls, seeing him to chat and laugh ..and really lovely fantastic sex.. I miss the intimacy and trust. I'm struggling to understand.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 11:27:30

I don't think you will ever understand.The person you had isn't the same as this one doing all this. It isn't a reflection of you,It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong or are not good enough.
Try not to torture yourself trying to work it all out. The hardest part is realising you are now alone to look after yourself.
This confusion and misery is very normal I'm afraidxx

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 14:10:54

Spent the morning under a blanket on the sofa. How pathetic. I realise I have Invested soooo much in him... I guess he didn't have that much invested in me which is why he can walk away and I am devastated. I know you so say 'he's a different person now' but how . I'm still the same... He 'managed' to still want sex with me the day after he told me he'd found someone else who's 'warm'. I bloody let him pop me onto the kitchen work surfaces and have his way. WTF? I am so confused. The last four years have turned me into a more practical emotionally supportive person - looking at him made me realise a lot about his and my emotions and I became pretty good at sorting through the crap. So hence me being caught out by yoga lady - didn't see that coming. If he's been just a tad more mature he could have realised that these things happen and we could have survived a flirty lady. But no. Destiny and all that shite. I hope she's as flighty as he is - but he will
Like the challenge . I do want him back. Arghhh

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 14:47:01

Yes I've been there. My relationship took 5 months to end while he messed me around and trashed my heart before I found out the horrible truth about him and cut it off forever.

I cried for weeks. Months. One of my friends drove 100 miles to me in the middle of the night after being so concerned about me after I wailed down the phone. Another had to remind me to breathe because I just didn't know which way was up. I drank myself to oblivion. Didn't leave the house for days and days on end. I honestly believed life was over. That I would never be happy again. I had a pain in my chest and a feeling like I had swallowed a big stone and it was stuck in my throat so I couldn't eat. Every part of my body hurt. Even my bones ached. I felt broken. It was the most utterly shit time of my life and I look back now in amazement that I got through it.

That was 10 months ago and I still have bad days. In fact I cried in the car earier when one of "our" songs came on the radio and I still mourn for the man I adored and the happy happy 5 years we had together.

But I did get through it. I am happy again. Happier in fact. And you will do it too. Time will help. And so will your kids and friends and family and your job. They will bring you back to life.

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 17:17:48

Jesus that sounds f'king awful . I hate to think there is a whole world of people out there in such intense emotional pain through no fault of their own, just because their other half couldn't talk to them properly about issues and disappeared into the ether. Ok, ok, I was the other woman. For that i apologise sincerely. I never did half the things that people talk about on here. I was a stupid daft lump who swallowed a lot of her own pride and self esteem to 'look after' this man who professed to love her (and loved her 25 yrs ago) . Who thought she was his future and was working hard to keep It all together sacrificing left right and centre. He took and took and took. Nowt left of me now.

I completely understand the stone in your throat and inability to eat. It's horrific. I'm sorry you were in this place too.

other posters talk about the EXP's getting their karma 'just desserts' but he's not in touch with me, we won't cross paths so he'll never know if I'm thriving or dead. He thinks he's being 'kind' by letting me go before there's too much of an 'overlap' but I'm so hurt by the lack of discussion. A problem? Right, lets sort. .. But no. It's a case of 'could you fuck off in a quiet dignified way so I can get spiritual with yoga lady please'. Yeah, sure.....

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 17:42:32

If its not tmi he wouldn't let me get out of bed after a lovely'lie in' the morning I moved out. We had sex, I went to college and he went to get the van to move me to my new place?!!!!
BUT> I am happier and you will be tooxx

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 18:05:42

Blimey... Yeah, that's just crazy isn't it? Tell me you found someone who's lovely and kind?

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 18:07:59

Op I didn't write that for sympathy or a medal (in fact I wish it hadn't, it made me so sad for the myself of last year) but to show you that other people have been in the put of despair and have clawed their way out. To show you that you will too. To give you hope.

All you need to do now is keep breathing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until it starts to feel better. It will. Stop beating yourself up and just get through this.

When it's over you will be so proud of yourself that you acted with dignity. That you survived this awful time and that you have come out the other side.

For now, just be kinder to yourself and trust your own strength

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 18:11:00

And fwiw if I was your friend I would come round, force you into your glad rags (or at least out of your PJs) and take you out on the lash! grin

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 19:05:49

I had 35years of being with someone( not always lovely and kind!!) and have enjoyed the last 2 years moving and doing up my house, finding out who I am, not being wife, mum nannie etc. I am not ready to look for anyone else yet but I am the happiest I've ever been, busy doing things I love and have some wonderful new friends so another man isn't on my radar yetsmile BUT he would have to be really special for me to want to change my life - although I do miss the sex!!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 19:29:21

I have met a man. I'm being cautious and taking it slow but I can safely say he is the kindest man I ever met. And I can tell you something, kind is just what I need and want :-)

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 19:35:51

bit I'm sorry , I didn't mean for you to dredge up your past year. You do sound past it though and inspirational and happy too. I guess I know I will scrape through, I will survive (!) etc, but I want to be happy, to sparkle, to have people notice that I glow and that's what it was like with him, to chat and laugh and share special dates and cook and walk around naked - feeling SOOO gorgeous. I know at least 10 nice single mums .. Good people, attractive, funny, hard working and ploughing on regardless , taking care of themselves and their kids types... I thought I had something, I really did. I felt lucky .

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 19:39:24

Oooh bit it's lovely to hear there are kind people out there... Men .. Not just the MN females . I'm 43 with two DDs. I didn't look for him, you know, he found me, chased me , dangled and toyed with me. I was low and i should have said no, but truly I wAs a stupid cow.

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 19:43:03

cjel 35 yes is a long time .., good to hear you are doing lots of things though. Yes.. Sex... I only just discovered my sex life with him. Feel very hacked off that he's taken it away. Grrrr

BitOutOfPractice Thu 24-Oct-13 20:17:09

WEll he's reverted to type then hasn't he? Finding a woman who wants to feel cherished and honing in on her. He's a predator. Think of her as his next prey sad

Mine was the restless type as well. He will never be satusfied. Never be happy and settled. And I know for a fact that he will never find anyone who will love him even half as much as I did. Or anyone so goddam fabulous wink

I know what you mean about missing that casual intimacy with someone. At my lowest I used to look at couples walking along hand-in-hand,all loved up and I used to SEETHE! I was convinced that I would never feel that relaxed with anyone ever again. Convinced that noone would ever love me again. That I must be totally unlovable because I had given him my all. Everything. And it hadn't been enough.

Now I am starting to really believe (not just pay lip service) that the problem lay with him. That I can feel proud that I truly loved someone and gave it my all. And to pity him and his constant restlessness.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a stream of consciousness. I'm having a wistful day but I know that a good night's sleep and wine will see me right tomorrow

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 22:44:36

Ok.., deep breaths. He just emailed me. I asked a friend of his if I could drop some of his possessions (house keys and presents i can no longer bear to look at) with said friend and friend said he would ask him for my keys back . To be collected this weekend. This is all to avoid direct contact . But now his friend has talked to him EXP has emailed me directly asking what I am returning, have I got his railcard and I don't need to go through 'friend' unless I really want to. Well I wouldn't have f**cking bothered if I didn't WANT to would I?

He has asked me not to return all the cards he sent me (with poems and lovely things written in them) and says I should put them in a box in the loft... I guess that's what he's done with mine. Or the bin.

I haven't and won't respond . I called the 'friend' and apologised for him being caught in the middle . He's going to get the keys. He was so lovely and kind . Of course I'm in floods.

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 22:48:15

bitoutofpractice your words are my words exactly.

cjel Thu 24-Oct-13 23:09:46

Hes so considerate isn't he, he is thinking of you that you don't have to go through friend if you don't want to because hes such a lovely reasonable man?sad

Let your tears end and get a good sleep. and well done for ignoring - keep it upflowersxxx

redundantandbitter Thu 24-Oct-13 23:30:05

I can feel the panic in his words... He ends email with "big breath out" .., like he is blurting... Like he can't speak to me. Me? , his friend and bloody No1 supporter... Why can't he communicate like a normal
Human being ... Might have had a chance if the railcard..
Not now. Fed up

MuffCakes Fri 25-Oct-13 00:12:45

OP put his stuff in a bag and bin it. Give friend his keys and block him, you don't need to talk to him whenever he feels like talking to you. Why should you be having a good day (hypothetically) and he emails willy nilly and gets to fuck your day up.

Bin his shit rip it tear it burn it throw it off a bridge, fuck him.

redundantandbitter Fri 25-Oct-13 00:24:03

I need to return keys coz I want mine! And going through friend was a sensible 'no contact' option I thought. Wasn't expecting him to email. It's been 4 weeks and heard f**k all - he doesn't WANT to contact me. I am returning stuff coz a) it hurts to see the things that were presents to me from me and b) it'll be an inconvenience for him as he only has a small house and he'll have to decide what to go with it all.

I don't know what to do with all the cards .. Birthday anniversaries... I have them here in a pile on my bedside table. Torn between keeping them (not sure why?) and ripping each one up into tiny pieces and returning with keys. Poo

cjel Fri 25-Oct-13 13:08:28

Must admit I haven't thrown my cards/wedding presents etc out yet, Boxed in the loft - who knows what I'll do with them? I did think maybe dcs and dgs would maybe want to see them in years to come as they are their family history.
I'd be tempted to block him if I were you.

mummytime Fri 25-Oct-13 13:43:06

He wants to be able to think of you "his lost love" pinning away with his letters in her loft. So on some special days, you Anniversary perhaps, you get them out and re-read them with a little smile on your face. He probably would like/thinks his exW does the same.

I'd return them dumped in a carrier bag, along with everything else. The sooner you get rid of that stuff the quicker you will get over him.

KouignAmann Fri 25-Oct-13 13:43:15

RandB I have been reading your posts over the last month and am sorry you are feeling so much pain. Your ExP sounds like a totally selfish person but I understand how much you are missing him and the physical contact.

One thing strikes me. You left your previous relationship and fell into a very passionate new one straight away and invested all your hopes and dreams into it. Now it has ended so abruptly you have not only the end of this relationship but the pain of ending your previous one to process. The added burden of knowing you left one man for another who had feet of clay. Regret and remorse maybe.

You have a lot of coming to terms to do here. Be kind to yourself. If Relate is upsetting you maybe another type of therapy would be more healing?

Wishing you peace

MuffCakes Fri 25-Oct-13 13:43:34

Email him askin him to return your keys to friend or post them signed delivery so they don't get lost. If he cannot do that within the week change your locks and then you won't give a shit about your old keys.

Send off his keys and box up stuff you don't want, if you can't bare to throw stuff out put in in shed/attic/friends house or dump on his doorstep.

I personally feel better when I'm in control of the situation, I would choose to never speak to this fuck wit again and flush him out your head. You won't get him out your head with keys needing to be returned and his stuff laying about though.

redundantandbitter Fri 25-Oct-13 14:23:32

I'm returning keys and stuff tomorrow . His friend can let him know. I'm certainly not contacting him . Arse. Cards can stay in loft for now . I think ... Maybe.

Really illuminating session at Relate today. Talked about how he admits to compartmentalising - lots of boxes with different things/people in. Counsellor says when everything is boxes he will get a high or fix with each box. But we have settled and grown closer in the past 6 months and his 'boxes' have started to merge. I am now threaded through too many boxes and he's not getting his fix of stress highs. But yoga lady presents a new box where he can pretend to be someone else. Get his stress high. Hence his feeling of euphoria and excitement. He freely admits I know him better than anyone but that's the crux. He wants to present an allusive persona. Whatever. You might think its bollocks but its helped my mind shift away from 'what did / didn't I do?'.

She says his approach to spiritualism and mindfulness is 'smelly' (academic term?) and he's just talking the talk . You ain't never going to 'get' spiritual by hanging out with yoga lady . Bloody berk!

BitOutOfPractice Fri 25-Oct-13 19:03:38

Op I didn't really understand your last post but suspect it boils down to what I said about him never being happy or satisfied or settled.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase. You know and I know and he knows that the keys / other shit is just a last gasp way of keeping contact with him. Any contact. I'm not blaming you. I've done the same. But lets not kid ourselves that that is what it is.

It's really really painful but you have to let it go. Let it all go. If the presents he gave you are too painful then bin them. Or eBay them. He doesn't need them back. It's just an excuse to be in contact with him

redundantandbitter Fri 25-Oct-13 19:19:28

Hmm dunno. . If I wanted contact I would have arranged to see him directly... I tried to organise the key returning via his friend so that I could get my key back( and return things I can't look at) in a quiet way (avoiding him and his drama). - and i get a little control . it ended up with him sending an email last night. i don't want his crappy emails actually. i didn't reply. Admittedly I want him to have the inconvenience of having a pile of stuff that will need sorting. I don't want it though. And I get to say hello to his mate who I doubt I will see again.

Yeah I appreciate the above post is a bit waffly but its taken 4 sessions for the counsellor to get to grips with his personality and somehow today she hit the nail on the head. I feel SO different. It's like I have permission to say 'its you, not me!'. He had something good but it's his loss. I have turned a corner. Hope I still feel like this tomorrow.

redundantandbitter Fri 25-Oct-13 20:42:00

Well ... According to FB (yes I know, I did so well to go weeks and not look at it ) .., EXP and yoga lady went to London on Tuesday to have an 'embrace' from an Indian Mahatma.

Yes, I can just see the reactions from his fellow officers on Wednesday morning in the station when he says he went to London for a free hug.... Tumbleweed... Brew anyone?

Yes, the man I loved has well and truly left the building. That's that nail in the coffin then.

cjel Fri 25-Oct-13 21:01:29

I'm sure that I just posted a reply but I don't know where it went!!
Was saying that I understood your post and sooo glad you had a breakthrough of sortswine heres to many more.

I used to tell people that OW was just another of his hobbies. he always had to have the latest - sport/motorbikes/building home/business/family/latest food etc etc. It must be that buzz that he gets. IME he should be getting fed up with her in 6-12 months!!!

Putitonthelist Fri 25-Oct-13 22:10:42

Oh OP, please don't torture yourself by looking at Facebook again.

Good grief how long has he known yoga lady? Any idea of the age difference? This sudden transformation sounds bizzare!

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Fri 25-Oct-13 22:51:50

Good for you for not replying to his emails! Keep that up i think.

Im also glad that you have found a way not to take responsibility for what he has done, as in no way is it your fault. He is flawed.

I used to date a policeman. I can't imagine one of them getting free hugs!

redundantandbitter Sat 26-Oct-13 09:16:38

Thanks. It was an ok day yesterday... But it's one good / One bad day at the moment and today isn't so good. Didn't sleep well due to tooth ache.

putitonthelist yoga lady looks same age as me .. I'm
43 .. Shes Prob 40 ish? , he's 44 next week. He met her at sprit camp on aug 20th - BUT they have known each other in a previous life (so that's ok then).

I didn't respond to his email but there's only been one in 4 weeks. I have been totally forgotten and left behind. Trying hard not to feel humiliated and embarrassed. He's not impressed that I contacted a third party to exchange keys but that's more because he's had to have a difficult conversation in the street with his friend who I expect told him I was a little upset.

Urgh.. What a twat. Still a bloody handsome man but seriously screwed up, easily led, deluded, wishy washy and cruel man. What a waste.

cjel Sat 26-Oct-13 09:31:01

Remember the breakthrough you had in counselling, Its hard for him to have to have conversations with real people because him and yoga lady will be on a different spiritual plane than the rest of us mortals and we won't understandsad

Let him out of your brain today - focus focus on you and your day.
Don't give him the control he wants over your life. It isn't his it is yours. Lets not think of today as a bad day -its only just started- lets all choose to have a good onesmile

redundantandbitter Sat 26-Oct-13 11:42:45

Hmm thanks cjel. I read your post..,but he doesn't want control over my life. He couldn't care less.. I' m locked away in one of his many boxes now. Gone. And I can see them
Both sat cuddled up on the train to London (we never went on a train together) and how excited he would be at the prospect. I know it's a load of bull shit but still hurts.

Anyway.... Yeah.. He thinks he's 'different' now

redundantandbitter Sat 26-Oct-13 16:39:38

Keys and stuff dumped. My lovely friend came with me. My EXP hadn't returned my keys to the 3rd party despite having a weeks notice. Poor 3rd party had to call round and say she's coming in 10 minutes. Anyway just keys and nothing else returned to me. That's that all done and closed. 3rd party friend was lovely though. Bless him. It's been a shit day.

Putitonthelist Sat 26-Oct-13 16:58:11

Giving your hand a squeeze OP. I know how hard it is.

I put everything that he had bought me in a white plastic bag and literally threw it at him. I wish I hadn't now. I wish I'd just thrown it in the bin. I didn't have anything of his, just CDs, DVDs and presents that he'd bought for me - really thoughful gifts. It's hard to understand how someone can change overnight, as if a light has been switched off. I saw him again the other day and he looked like shit. I know he isn't happy, he threw away his chance of happiness and a few months ago I would have welcomed him back with open arms, but not now.

Now I feel indifferent and one day you will too x

redundantandbitter Sat 26-Oct-13 17:18:57

On the sofa crying...,

Thanks for your post. So, you gave him his thoughtful presents back... Must have been hard seeing him . I can understand you throwing it at him. , Some things I have kept coz the kids would notice they were gone .. Also my counsellor told me not to cut my nose off to spite my face. .. Which I could easily do coz I don't feel good about myself . I gave him back things I loved.. My favourite underwear.. Books , framed photo of us kissing... Just so he can have the friggin inconvenience of doing something with it. I know him, he will smell the knickers!!!!

He could see from his window yet couldn't be arsed to come out and be a grown up.

I'm glad I looked at FB last night and saw them both in London doing ' spiritual' stuff. Makes me realise I no longer know that person.

So you saw your ex and he looked like shit? Did he speak to you? Our paths won't cross, will never see him again. Prob for the best.

A set of keys... All I have to show for 4 years of emotional f'ing hassle.

daisystone Sat 26-Oct-13 17:57:25

Hi - saw your post and really wanted to just say hi and to say that I am 2 and a half years on from where you are. Haven't been able to read all the responses so sorry if I am missing info...

My DH and I split in 2011 and it seems to me you are in the very very early stages of grief. I was still in major shock in your stage. I have since gone through every stage you can imagine and back again. Sobbing, anger, wanting to kill myself, feeling like I dont need him, wanting to kill him, being glad he is gone, more sobbing and feeling that my life is over.

I get stronger every month and it is a very gradual process. Found some photos today and had a bit of a cry. All the contact made it harder for me. Cutting ties does make it easier but is very hard to do in some circumstances.

Just wanted to say don't expect too much too soon. You don't bounce back in a few weeks when you have been in love with someone. If you do bounce back then it wasn't love in my opinion.

I think trying to be friends just keeps opening the wound.

You will be fine but you have to go through all the shit first I'm afraid.

Putitonthelist Sat 26-Oct-13 18:04:26

No, it doesn't sound like he is the person that you knew anymore. So he has known her for just 2 months? He really is rather pathetic isn't he? I wouldn't be so sure that you won't see him again.

I went NC in July. I put a plan into place where I wouldn't see him. But of course the best laid plans!! After 3 months I saw him, he saw me, so I turned round and walked the other way, I didn't know what else to do. Seeing him wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He didn't look great, he looked like he had aged and looked a bit scruffy. I had built it up in my head I think. Then I saw him again and he attempted to speak to me but I completey blanked him. He has made his decision. Nothing I say or do can change that. I realised that I just have nothing left to say to him anymore and I have no interest in anything he has to say to me, I can't believe a word out of his mouth anyway. It's taken 8 months to get to this stage - from total gut-wrenching heartbreak to total apathy. I never thought it would happen.

I've not had counselling or gone on AD's I've just read lots of books and had amazing support from my RL friends. Some days I didn't want to be here anymore. That sounds so ridiculous now! That I would put a man like him above my beautiful DC. So I guess I finally fell out of love with him. Stay strong, stay busy, talk to your friends, to us, keep going, treat yourself and believe that you deserve so much better x

cjel Sat 26-Oct-13 18:36:35

Just had a little cry on the sofa myself, big family 'do' OW will be there and not me or my dcs and dgs.

Better now over itsmile
TV on lovely day to look forward to tomorrow. How a re you now RandB?x

redundantandbitter Sun 27-Oct-13 01:18:18

Thanks you lovely ladies. It's much appreciated, you know. daisy I loved him so much, still bloody do . Thanks for posting.

putitonthelist please don't say i might see him again. It sends me doolally .. I have to keep thinking 'that's it. Over'

cjel so sorry that you had to miss the do..,,how crappy for you. Hope your cry let it all go and you have a good day tomorrow. Roger, over and out.

babycow38 Sun 27-Oct-13 17:28:36

Hi, i have been following your post for the last few days,your story is so similar to mine. I found out he had been seeing a former schoolfreind after finding the hotel booking on my daughters laptop,he had left his email open by accident,Had told me that night he had had too much too drink and gone to a mates,We have been together 16 years and have two daughters 15 and 9years old. He is in a travel lodge at the moment ,still seeing her and coming back to the family home to get clothes and see the kids,he says he wants her and is basically reliving his youth,trendy clothes,going clubbing with her etc. I meanwhile have been blindsided,i had no idea anything was wrong and have gone through pain,anger,crying,getting drunk,pleading,more anger, my emotions are all over the place and just imagining them together is agony,it has only been three weeks but i just want the pain to go away.Daughters are confused and sad.sad

Putitonthelist Sun 27-Oct-13 21:16:19

So sorry babycow how awful for you.

Why don't you start your own thread, you will get lots of support. Hope you are getting lots of suppot in RL x

redundantandbitter Mon 28-Oct-13 00:06:42

babycow 3 weeks is just hard hard work..I hope you ok right now.. You were together for a long time and the blindsiding treatment is just horrific. I'm pretty shit at advice but just want to say I feel for you. Soooo many people here that have Been through similar pain . It's simply heartbreaking reading.. But we are here for you. Bit of hand holding can mean a lot in dark moments.

redundantandbitter Mon 28-Oct-13 09:07:04

6 weeks on from being dumped by my lovely exp.. Today is the day I take the kids glamping and the weather is horrific.. Exp was coming with us.. Booked his leave .. I only organised this hol because of him... Last year me and my Dc's went abroad and missed his birthday (this coming Saturday) so I booked glamping instead (not cheap but i paid) so we could be here for his birthday and he loves the outdoor thing .. I'm not so keen and now I have to run this f'ing trip and everyone's looking to me and I'm so fed up... FFS ... And it's his birthday soon.. And he would have seen me dropping his keys/stuff on Saturday at his friends house as it across the road... But nothing.. I've been blanked out..still so incredibly upset...

cjel Mon 28-Oct-13 17:10:01

Hello RandB, Hope your dcs have settled to the idea of glamping and the gales and rain have stopped for you. Is it a posh as I've heard?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 28-Oct-13 17:29:21

Helo R&B I hope your day improved

MuffCakes Mon 28-Oct-13 17:51:12

I hate outdoorsy things but I went glamping with the dc earlier this year and it was great had a proper bed, heating, light, plug socket and own toilet so it's really not slumming it to much. It will be good to get away OP.

daisystone Tue 29-Oct-13 09:24:48

I think if you can manage to take your child/children on holiday when going through this and keep it all together then you can pretty much manage anything smile

redundantandbitter Tue 29-Oct-13 14:40:03

Poo..all i keep thinking is 'he would love this'

Sat on my own last night ... Candles and lamps... Owls hooting to each other... My feet in front of a hot stove.. Sobbing .. He LOVES this sort of thing.., countryside and woods ... where the fuck has ' spirit world ' interest come from.. . This is him.., I would have crumbled and texted him 'you would love this' but no signal....

daisystone Tue 29-Oct-13 16:50:16

Well thank God for no signal then. I have regretted so many texts that I have sent. His interest in the spiritual is probably non-existent. It is his interest in her that makes the spiritual stuff seem interesting. Anything this new woman does will have appeal. Until the appeal wears off - which it will in due course.
It could just as well have been an interest in pottery, or tight-rope walking or macrame. It is the newness of the affair that is exciting to him. But newness can never last.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 29-Oct-13 17:01:30

Phew! Close shave!

YBeadboy would probably say something all woo like "You had no signal because the universe was trying to tell you something!" or some other shit

Glad you didn't text. I have often regretted sending a text. Never regretted NOT sending one

cjel Tue 29-Oct-13 19:01:06

Hope every time you cry it is one less time you will have to go through it. Sounds a lovely relaxing place. I hope you can get some restoration from itxx

Putitonthelist Tue 29-Oct-13 19:52:23

((Hugs)) so pleased you didn't text. daisy is spot on - his interest is in her, that's what's making the other stuff seem interesting.

I went out with the girls a couple of months ago, had too much to drink, DCs were with their Dad for the night, I arrived home and poured out my heart in an e-mail to him and hit send.

I flaked out and when I woke up in the morning a feeling of absolute dread came over me. I had deleted and blocked him on Outlook and thank god the email had gone straight into Junk and hadn't sent. It was a turning point for me. I was so relieved that the email hadn't gone I can't tell you. Maybe getting my thoughts and feelings down was cathartic and helped me on my road to recovery.

I think I've mentioned writing stuff down - I started a journal although there's nothing in it at the moment, it's all been shredded and I have nothing more to say right now. Do you think that might help you?

daisystone Tue 29-Oct-13 22:14:15

Texts are the devil. I long for the time before texts, they can cause a lot of damage. They are too easy to send, confusing and stop people engaging properly. I truly wish we could go back to the time of phone calls. Men are cowards these days and getting worse. The art of conversation and wooing will be lost forever .

redundantandbitter Wed 30-Oct-13 15:38:28

Thanks... For the hugs too..I can't seem to get the thoughts written down ... Apart from notes for relate ... I read on the other thread what someone said about anti depressants....l have avoided them ... Worried about side effects ..my Exp was rubbish in them... But I feel like I have been literally knocked off my axis... Anxious and fretting... Shouting at the kids... (Not great on holiday) I need to somehow press the reset button.. I am still lost...and beadboy isn't bothering with me anyway so no need to set up email diversion... But glad you did daisy ! Images of us together going round my head in a loop ..then images of them together .. Him appreciating the line of her muscles.. Her body.. Kissing her.. . I still love him

fuckedmylifeup Wed 30-Oct-13 15:49:05

Hang in there R&B - you're doing better than you think. Every time an image pops into your head remember him for what he is - a mid life crisis mental case who lost the best thing he ever had (you).

daisystone Wed 30-Oct-13 15:58:47

I took anti-depressants for a while (about six months maybe). They helped and I wish I had gone to my doctor sooner. When I went to my doctor I was having suicidal thoughts and was in a very bad place. The doctor monitored me and upped my level and then when I was beginning to feel more stable took me off them gradually. The difference was enormous. I cannot say it was all down to the anti-depressants because I think time passing helped and having less to do with EXHusband, and generally things being calmer. However, I do think that they DID help and I don't think they are a bad thing. They helped me to cope and to look after my young daughter better. They stopped me sobbing at inappropriate times when I should have been looking after her smile

cjel Wed 30-Oct-13 16:19:42

I also think ADs have a place although I had taken them in the past to get through life with him, I was having counselling to get through three house moves, two deaths and a marriage breakup in a year etc etc and didn't feel the need to take them . Haven't taken them for ten years now. So I'd say counselling is better but ADs can help until you can get some.
(((hugs))) for coping with dcs,xx

BitOutOfPractice Wed 30-Oct-13 16:26:57

R&b you really are doing fine. What you're feeling is all perfectly normal and natural. When I was at the stage you are I was still obsessively checking FB and emails. Literally every few minutes and driving myself absolutely INSANE.

Hang on in there. It will pass.

redundantandbitter Wed 30-Oct-13 22:01:15

Thanks you lovely people.. Struggling with signal here I
In country-ville. Just managing to check MN in a blip of signal availability.

Is this really normal? I am still checking twitter A LOT - though we aren't following each other I can remotely see him through mutual friend. Though exp just posts Krishna quotes .. [hmmm]. Dull

I can see yoga lady's twitter account but stopped looking when she posted summat about 'womb yoga'.sorry but no!

Thank you fuckedup I have tried to PM you but sodding trees are making it impossible. Was wondering how you are after Friday???? Update me please

I know this sounds daft but I really was good for him.. Best girlfriend he ever had.. I became understanding and accepting beyond belief. I don't even recognise myself. He had it easy.

A/d's... I think I may look into them .. I should have got them weeks ago when the dark thoughts crept in... Have already started counselling which is really Beneficial but i know my counsellor thinks EXP stinks. But I am stil sobbing at inappropriate moments... Driving the car etc..not good. It didn't help that I had a long day out with Dc's yest and couldn't find way back to ridiculously isolated farm in the dark. Drove round the lanes for over an hour.. It wasn't pleasant .

I downloaded Whatsapp so I can contact friends abroad and I see EXP'S Has it. Then his name appeared in 'chat'. But no text- really hoping that I haven't done that , I'm not sure how it works. Either I have sent him a blank message inadvertently or he's sent me one - blank messaging is some thing he did in the distant past. Deleted it anyhow.

It doesn't help that this place is so frigging quiet and romantic at night. He knows I'm a soft arse and I can't believe he's done this to me just so he can have a different flavour shag. sad

Whatnext074 Wed 30-Oct-13 23:43:36

You know my situation love, if I can give you one piece of advice it would be not to check twitter. You know what I did and it messed me up big time, I don't know how I made it through the night - yes I do - MN. I came off FB and I'm not tempted to look anymore (did it twice). It also means I don't need to hear how wonderful other people's lives are.

Try, try not to torture yourself, I know how hard it is. You will not heal while you focus on him with yoga lady and what they may/may not be doing.

Those thoughts come in my head too, they nearly destroy you and for what? They are not hurting over this, you are. I am trying so hard to focus on my healing (even got a fringe cut today, never had one before but cheaper than botox). My problem now is disbelief at what he's done to me, not what he's doing with her.

I know I'm probably not in the best position to give advice as I am still healing but these thoughts of them are tearing you up. Please try not to do it to yourself.

I know the significance of this holiday for you and know that you will find the weekend hard with his birthday, my H birthday is next week so I understand, but why don't you treat yourself, have a massage, get a fringe cut, buy some clothes, even if online to stop you having panics at the shops.

You no doubt feel terrible when you shout at your DCs, try to make this holiday good memories for them, cuddle them lots. I always get strength from my DS. Take lots of photos and when you get home, go with them to buy some frames and put them in together, let them choose where they go in the house.

With the ADs, I didn't go on them for 3 weeks as I was so worried about the side effects. I have been on them for almost 8 weeks now, I didn't even notice side effects but they did take about 6 weeks to kick in. Not saying you won't get side effects but please get advice from your GP. Don't rule them out, start your healing process. I am also on beta blockers for anxiety. My panic attacks are still there but not every day now and they aren't as severe.

Please look after yourself x

cjel Wed 30-Oct-13 23:46:52

Lovely to read that WHAT you don't realise how much you've changed!!!

redundantandbitter Thu 31-Oct-13 21:57:56

Thanks what you have been so badly treated, I appreciate your words. People see what you are going through and are sympathetic and rightly so. Unfortunately for me my grief is mixed up in our history. Most people shrug their shoulders and say 'once a cheater' and 'well you were the OW and now he's done it to you '. So my pain gets down graded as though I deserve it. So you go through the pain and on top of that you have to accept you're a shit person too.

It's his birthday on Saturday. Ive bought 3 different cards.. Even bought a beautiful anniversary one today.. But he won't get them .. I won't send... But my head and heart are still carrying on as though he is still in my life .. I miss his conversation, his kids, job talk,his smell and the withdrawal from intimacy is beyond words. And people look at me and say 'well what did you expect' . Sorry .. I read that back
And it sounds proper shit

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 22:05:44

It ok to talk shit here RandB!!. I know you shouldn't have had the affair and so do you now, there are a lot of us here sad because of women who had affairs. BUT that doesn't diminish you pain in any way. How your relationship started was crap but so was how it ended.
Some people may think you deserve it, I don't , but it doesn't lessen it.
How you feeling tonight?

redundantandbitter Thu 31-Oct-13 22:09:49

Awful. It's just not getting any better

redundantandbitter Thu 31-Oct-13 22:15:32

Sorry,

I can't do 'treating myself' coz I feel
Like shit and don't deserve it anyway. Can't shop , I feel like the colour has drained from my life and I am seeing stuff in black and white.

Two Dc's and two jobs etc just means endless pushing through the days - there is so little time for anything. So when I get a rare moment like right now, sat with my feet on the stove , I just break down. How could he do this to me. Where the f**k is he? ?? The silence is unbearable

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 22:18:55

Did you say you were considering Ads? If you have plateaued you may need a helping hand? There is no time lines for how we are supposed to get through all this but the biggest thing is to not beat yourself up because you can't see any progress. Look at WHAT, she bought flowers and booked a massagesmile. I remember that wretched feeling it really does overwhelm but it does pass and lessen. Hang on there. Have you got counselling soon?xx

Whatnext074 Thu 31-Oct-13 22:24:15

R&B - how did the rest of your holiday go? I take it you're back now?

I wouldn't push ADs on anyone, I had never been on them in my life even though I was offered many times. This is something different and I nearly ended my life a few weeks ago, and had those thoughts after that night too. The ADs help, please speak to your GP, Relate on it's own doesn't seem to b helping you. I only mention them as I know you are in two minds about them.

You do deserve sympathy, you are hurting. You know you did something wrong at the start of the relationship but you mustn't keep thinking you are not worthy of support and if you look back on your thread/s you will see how many people are supporting you - it's been such a help to me.

A tiny thing - and I only mention it because you have said it a few times about the intimacy that has gone etc. Some ADs reduce your thoughts of an intimate nature, so maybe for a little while, that wouldn't be a bad thing as it sounds like that is making you hurt so much.

Whatnext074 Thu 31-Oct-13 22:24:51

cjel is an angel x

BitOutOfPractice Fri 01-Nov-13 07:49:43

Hey r&b just checking in to see how you are. See, there are people here who recognise your pain and who don't think you're a shit person who brought it on yourself. Every single person in the world makes mistakes, does things they regret. This is not your punishment

I remember in the depths of my pain people would tell me that it would get better. I didn't believe them. At times it felt like it was getting worse. But of course they were right.

You will be ok. Better than ok. Keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will come out of the other side.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 08:56:56

feel very un angelic WHAT, brought tear to my eye. thank you.x

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 13:42:14

Thanks

On our way home... Sat in little chef .. If that's not enough to tip me over the edge I don't know what is

Will call docs when I get home. cjel , yes I think
I have plateaued and don't know how to shift myself . Feel stuck in a miserable corner.

Thanks what, yes the intimacy is the most painful thing for me. The things we did together are very very personal and it breaks me to think he's , so easily, doing those things with her. Urgh

I don't have an addictive personality but I guess this is the nearest I have come..the withdrawal is truly horrendous. I know people say it will get better, but this is slipping into worse.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:14:51

Blimey I haven't been in a little chef for years - hope you survivedsmile
Can't hurt to discuss the options honestly with your doctor. If you get the right ones for you and use them it could help you get out of that misery cornerflowers

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 16:39:22

I second what, you are an angel cjel. Called the doc from little chef. Got to call on Monday for an 'emergency app' but least I will see someone. Counselling not til next Friday.. I look forward to it coz she makes sense of him and let's me go on with myself.

Tomorrow will be hard, maybe he will be expecting me to send something for his birthday . I haven't/won't. I am seeing a heavily pregnant friend tomorrow evening - she's promised to keep me busy and occupy my mind. I had planned so many gifts and bought stuff that's been wasted.

I Know we started off in a wrong, tits up kind of way... But I genuinely thought we were seeing the fog clear. Even EXW accepted we had been together for a long time and I could meet his DDs etc. for which I am grateful. I miss them all . Even his smelly dog.

He's an ungrateful git.

Whatnext074 Fri 01-Nov-13 17:12:57

Just a thought - do you think the fact that your relationship was finally 'accepted', particularly with his ExW and DDs made the thrill of it go for him? That's what I thought when I read your last post. I could be wrong but it would appear that he's started the whole process again with yoga lady - the betrayal, deceit, etc.

I'm glad you have an appointment with the GP - or at least will get an appointment on Monday.

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 17:54:25

It's a thought.. But he moved out 2 years ago .. Abs we have been building up and up carefully and subtlety unlike my kids dad who just announces meeting new fiancé, weddings etc. we were so f'ing careful about trying not to tread on anyone's toes any more. Basically I think I'm trying to say we were very aware of the pain that we had I instigated and I, particularly, didn't want any one to have any more hurt.

He wrote in his diary 'one degree of separation' . He wants me to be the one in between the really turbulent marriage and his nice new shiny thing. But he doesn't have the deceit and secrecy this time though the excitement factor is high. He told me is feels 'europhic' .

This time his m&d, kids and sister etc will all be pulling a face at the 'spiritual ' shit. I haven't met a single person yet who hasn't said WTF . My counsellor clearly isn't enamoured. A friend of his messaged me to save its all
Bollocks. So I don't think she'll get much of welcome arms from the people that had just accepted me . Though I'm sure she's nice. Hasn't she stopped to think that he's just ditched me after 4 frigging years of hassle? Alarm bells no?

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 17:55:28

Euphoric!! Doh

Putitonthelist Fri 01-Nov-13 18:36:56

OP - does she know anything about your 4 years of hassle though? You don't know what he's told her. They have only known each other for a couple of months, it's unlikely she knows about him cheating on his wife with you. It's highly possible that he's re-written history.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 18:55:16

My H stood up at a big christmas party to make everyone give a toast to her for how happy she'd made him, after 3 months!!! I think he was euphoric toogrin

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 18:56:06

I'm still having trouble taking on your kind words btw!! always brings tears...

BitOutOfPractice Fri 01-Nov-13 19:22:19

R&B just stopped by to give you a squeeze. The "firsts" are always hard. So tomorrow will be tough, it's true. But it will pass in the end, like all days do. I hope you can find done solace with your friend

And a big hurrah from me for going to the docs. Well done! I too went at about the same stage as you. I hadn't slept properly for weeks and was desperate. Sobbed at the doctor who gave me some sleeping tablets and made me promise I would go back if I needed any more help.

You are doing great (even though you are your own harshest critic) and every day brings you one step closer to the other side

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 20:50:08

putitonthelist the day he told me he wanted to end our relationship for someone 'warm and nice' he told me that he had told her 'all about us and what we'd been through together' .. So apparently she does know. But who knows how much he's down played things, glossed over the fact that he stalked me for years (He knew where I worked etc).. Emailed me for one year (with random memories that i dont remember!) and then finally we met up and spent the next 4 years forging forward and creating havoc in our wake. I was the one from 25 yrs ago .. Whose name he 'called out in dark moments ' .. Yeah, hmmm. Bet he hasn't told her that.

cjel a Xmas toast- urgh. Bet the guests weren't impressed. Yeah, he sounds like my exp.

boup thanks . sad

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 21:02:14

they were his friends that he does his hobby with and I heard even they were cringing!!!

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 21:15:14

I bet they were! I am cringing at the thought! So sorry you had to hear he did that

One of his mates sent me a message to say 'its all
Bollocks' .. And that's his friend!!! It's embarrassing isn't it?

He would have loved our holiday this week, the outdoors and wildlife.

Last night , I sat round a campfire with two couples and 8 kids between us. Chatting in the darkness and I was thinking 'how dare he call me insular!'

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 21:45:14

they dare to call you what they like as it helps to ease their guilt and assist the transition of belief in their lies to themselves.smile I find out a lot of what they do as we live in a small place, It is laughable now though he seems to have knocked 35 yrs off his life!! even my daughter and best friend say I wouldn't like him now. When one of my new friends said she didn't know why I married him and I said he wasn't always like this my dd said 'I can remember when dad was nice'

redundantandbitter Fri 01-Nov-13 22:44:36

Yep, he's told himself an awful lot of guff. Maybe the insular thing wAs coz I didn't jump on board every idea that came to
Him. Sorry but I'm not going to walk behind him with a wheelbarrow to catch every idea of his. . Grown ups at our age can have separate interests without splitting up. Think
He wanted someone to fawn over him more than I did. Guess I am a bit to northern for all that. More fool
Him.

Cjel Ouch. That must have been hard to hear from your dd. I know my DDs don't see their dad that much, he loves them but doesn't have the same connection as me, coz he doesn't put the hours in. They know I'm the captain! I expect your dd knows you are the rock too. Not nice to have to hear what they are up to though. Urgh.

My lovely EXP's girls will be thinking things about their dad and new girlfriend. Maybe not now, but they'll be posting on MN in a few years time about their dad leaving their mum for the 'love of his life' and then ditching her for 'spiritual awakening' lady... And then whoever after that... It won't have passed them by at such an influential age. I feel
For them.

cjel Sat 02-Nov-13 08:34:19

Morning, How you doing today, I am going to painting class with dgd. Are you going round to WHATS later?x

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 10:43:13

Fed up. It's his birthday today . 44. It's going to take all my strength to not text him with 'happy birthday' .

Yes, I'll be at whats. The one with the tissues looking shit and miserable

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 10:57:35

Feel for you x I know how hard it is. It was his birthday in October and I know he woud have expected a message. What plans have you got for today? Try and keep yourself busy. Put some music on loud and have a dance.

Stay strong. I was so proud of myself when I didn't crumble. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Have you had any contact with his daughters? How old are they?

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 11:14:07

Hi, thanks . Am busy with my daughters today, thankfully,dance classes etc. we will curl up on the sofa and watch a DVD this aft.

Did you hear from him in October?

His vain selfishness will expect some sad heartfelt message from me , so I won't do it. Though god I REALLY want to. I booked our whole half term around his birthday. He has his daughters today and tomorrow so won't be out and about, I expect new yoga lady will visit him this evening. No contact with his DDs. I first met them in January but it wAs sporadic and he fretted , but we had the odd day out etc. I liked them . He's never mentioned my DDs who spent a lot more time with him as he stayed at my house twice a week - that was his decision- 'I need to spend at least 2 nights a week with you' and he moved stations to be closer. Can't see his kids wanting to see me, or EXW allowing it. New yoga lady is much nicer apparently

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 11:45:08

Sounds good.

No but I think I mentioned that I bumped into him twice despite my best efforts to avoid him. I found out recently that he has moved house and is now living 10 mintues up the road from me which has made my heart sink. He never had a nice thing to say about the village where I live and now he's practically my neighbour!!

Yes! That was my exact train of thought. He will expect a message. He contacted me on my birthday and I was sucked in again for another month until I had a lightblub moment and basically told him to f*ck off or I would tell his OH about us.

I take it that someone has told you yoga lady is much nicer? Would that be his EXW?

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 12:37:01

No, not EXW. Not heard from her, and I really thought I would. He basically told me himself that she was good with his kids. Well they were at 'camp' weren't they? I've seen the FB photos of them ... His youngest dd is sitting on yoga ladies knee...he's already told me she's nice and warm. Makes me feel like a piece of shit. I was the best thing in the world bit long ago.

Yes, I remember now you says you encountered him twice! And now he's moved to your village? Poo. The cheek. My exp loved where I live, but his area is trying to be the same as here so its all happening where he lives.

Now i am making the kids their favourite soup and I can't help but remember him sitting in my kitchen watching me move around the kitchen.. Making lovely comments....he honestly adored me.. And me him.. Now I just don't know how much was lies and shit and how much was real. It's all
Horrible. I wish I could just have the old him back. He's gone from a married policeman in the family home to this in a couple of years. It's actually unsettling and worrying. Sorry I'm ranting aren't I?

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 13:07:16

Rant away.

Ouch that must hurt. And he is being incredibly cruel by telling you that.

Yes. It's not ideal. The thing I most dread is bumping into the two of them together. I really don't know how I would react. Thinking back on stuff with a clear head, he was full of contradictions - but moving to the place he 'hated' (his exact wording) tops the lot.

I'm sorry, it sounds like the old him has well and truly left the building. It's still early days for you. You haven't hit the immense anger stage yet. You will do. Don't worry about him, worry about yourself. There's a saying - If someone shows you who they are, believe them. You (and me too) knew that they were liars and cheats, we just believed that we were 'the one' x

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 13:20:29

Yes, someone else posted that "they show us who they really are, but we choose not to see it".

I've been at this end of the f**ing cruelty before. He can inflict such pain for someone so bleeding spiritual.

I hope you manage to avoid your ex.. Can't be nice knowing they are local. I feel for you. No, I'm not angry , I'm still caught in the misery loop of why, how could he etc etc

cjel Sat 02-Nov-13 17:27:48

Hey Ladies, Nice to meet you at WHATS - YOu don't look shit at allsmile
My H lives couple of miles away in small ton and when I rented he said he 'could never live in this part of town' He bought his flat right opposite (I'd moved by then) An now has moved into OWs house right there - yadrs from dd and ds houses - But he too hated it there!!!

It is very unsettling how quick they go down isn't it? I just thank God that I'm not going down with him.

We have really bad wind here tonight so I'm going for the central heating ,choc and tv optionwine all roundx

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 18:07:12

That sounds lovely cjel .. Good seeing you today too! We should all go round to whats house more often!!!!

I hate sitting back and watching my lovely settled relationship be destroyed by him and his f'ing whims. Coz that's what it feels like.. A bloody whim. We were a good team... Seperate but together, totally in love. Sexually in tune, great spark and chemistry. It's soul destroying .

It's mean, but I hope he does go down hill. He's lost his anchor and support. But I know him and her are blissful and excited. Disappointed .

It's v windy here though didn't stop me roping the kids in to move firewood to stack by my front door, bless them. In going round to a pregnant friends house tonight... She can stop me texting him 'happy birthday'. Sigh .

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 18:22:55

put does his wife know what you look like?

I can imagine my exp giving his new girlfriend the low down... Maybe telling her my mobile number so she can block it? Not exactly romantic start to a relationship
Is it? Not that I rang her ... But she's got a website for her yoga classes and recently posted her email address on twitter.. So I could contact her if I was having a 'moment'. I just really hope they aren't as compatible as they think. ..

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 18:32:23

They aren't married, they don't even live together. They have been in a relationship for 10 years and moved in together briefly but it didn't work out. We've met but she doesn't know about me and him, she is completely in the dark about us. He actually left his pregnant wife for her oh the irony I must have been stupid to ever go there.

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 19:05:37

Huh? So he started a relationship with you... He spent 10 yrs with his g/friend. .. They moved in but it didn't work out? Poor pregnant wife.. How horrible.., he sounds a proper charmer doesn't he? Sorry... He must have something about him or else you wouldn't have fallen for him too.. How long were you together and did he tell you he would leave... It's a messy horrid life. I was so glad when we shifted out of that world and became less sordid. But I think he likes the excitement and buzz. You sound v sorted - an inspiration

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 20:06:14

I know you couldn't make it up!
When I see it written down it really is pathetic. We had a very intense 6 months. I ended my unhappy marriage and he ended his relationship - or so he told me. It was lies. He told me he loved me and that was a lie too.

I fell in love with a lie basically. He was charming, interesting, witty, attractive (and very persistent!) but had and still has some deep rooted issues. He is a narcissist, absolutely no doubt about it. I was heartbroken but I now know I've had a lucky escape. He cheated on his wife with his girlfriend and then cheated on her with me.

redundantandbitter Sat 02-Nov-13 20:22:40

Oh god. Yeah that's one messed up guy. Kids in a sweetshop thinking they can having anything, whenever they want.

Blimey, 6 intense months. I bet it was intense. Tbh I hated the secret and had I been better equipped, emotionally , I should have ended it . Had I seen this website I wouldn't have gone there at all! But I was a shadow of the person I am now.

4 years... What an effing waste. And I bitterly regret the hurt.

Putitonthelist Sat 02-Nov-13 20:42:18

We were friends via our DC for a couple of years before it all happened, there was always an attraction between us.

The stupid thing is I did come on here for advice and then I ignored it all. I bitterly regret the hurt I caused my STBXH. He found out. We hadn't been happy for a long time and I should have ended the marriage sooner after being verbally abused for years.

I'm not a vindictive person but I did think about telling his GF about us - she has been with him for 10 years and has no idea what he's done, he's made their relationship a complete shame. He left his wife (who is lovely) and for what? He couldn't even stay faithful to 'the love of his life'

redundantandbitter Sun 03-Nov-13 00:15:26

Yes. All sounds very familiar here too. I knew EXP at college 25 yrs ago and he carried a torch all that time . I was completely oblivious, obviously! I was 'the love of his life' and he said he's being kind to me by ending our relationship without the 'overlap' which is how he described our relationship. Otherwise known as an affair to normal people. So, really I should be pleased he's doing me a favour! But he has overlapped, found a shiny thing and fallen hook Line and sinker for her.. Wrangled for several weeks... Leaving me all confused and unsure of what was happening coz I KNEW something was afoot but not sure what exactly . And then dumped me, after having sex 3 times in that period... Hmmm ta very much.

Telling his GF wouldn't have got your anywhere and you may have ended up embroiled and deeper in the whole mess ... Well done for walking away . Bloody hard. So you are a single parent now?

Putitonthelist Sun 03-Nov-13 12:00:39

Hi R&B. Wil pm you x

Whatnext074 Mon 04-Nov-13 11:49:25

How did you get on at the doctor's today?

Are you okay after the weekend?

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Nov-13 12:59:04

Ah, you kind lovely thing.

Just got back docs. Tears as expected but I madea list of bullet points to say as I know they don't have long. Never met this GP before. He was kind. Agreed with 50mg of a/d's and made an app to go back to review. Just had a read of the side effects!!!! Also says my driving may be affected so ill have to tell work tomorrow as I often need to drive.

I cried and then had a massive nosebleed in his room, and I got to relive my embarrassment again when I said Exp had a spiritual awakening... He pulled that face.. The one everyone has pulled... It makes me feel ashamed.

How are you hun?

Whatnext074 Mon 04-Nov-13 13:13:40

Well done. They have to put all the side effects down. My GP tells me not to read them.

I was so worried about side effects for mine but I only had very mild effects. That's not to say you won't have any but if you take them and are concerned then just go back to your GP.

I am not too good today, but thanks for asking. I'm back at work tomorrow after 2 weeks. I can't even remember if I was due back today and am panicking about that but will deal with that tomorrow.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 04-Nov-13 13:51:18

Really really well done r&b for going. That's great to hear and I hope they start helping soon.

As for crying to the doctor I think that's par for the course. The reason I cried is because I was thinking "I cannot believe that this man has sent me so low". I felt embarrassed. Like I was not my normal self all because of what he did.

As for the "face" I can imagine. It makes me pull a face when I see you write it. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is the fruit loop, not you. He is the one who cheated, not you. You can hold your head high.

cjel Mon 04-Nov-13 14:18:22

Hello, Glad you went. Don't you hate it when the GP thinks you are 'one of those' womensmile I was so bad at one time years ago that my gp use to let me sit in a side room before he got me then used to let me out of the back door!! Luckily I'd known hmi since childhood and he knew my family so he didn't think I was madsmile I sometimes wonder what they think of us really - mid you it mmust be rewarding when they see us come out of itxx

redundantandbitter Mon 04-Nov-13 22:56:42

Blimey ! A side room and a back door, you poor thing!

I don't know what he thought - probably checking his watch. He did ask about the kids, and money and told me he would sign me off work any time, just had to ask. I should have gone weeks ago - stupid dur brain.

Anyway, I've had 12 days off work and am dreading going in tomorrow - esp now I have to flag up the 'driving' on the meds box. More bleedin embarrassment.

what hope you get through tomorrow ok, sorry today wasn't good. Hug x

cjel Tue 05-Nov-13 22:50:57

Evening Redundant, How did you get on today - did you tell them about the meds?x

redundantandbitter Wed 06-Nov-13 23:20:35

Hi cjel felt really sick most of the day. Had to go into work and say I couldn't do my job properly and was given 'light duties' around the office but I prefer it tbh. Boss looked at my meds and read all the side effects. Urgh. So I'm doing office stuff for 2 weeks which is a big help actually and I'm grateful.

My lovely brother is on the same meds (!) and he called last night and we laughed at how sad we are with our side effects. He's coming to visit me for the weekend - neither of us have our kids - so its just us two which will be really lovely - even though he's nearly 50!

Only welled up once today. Of course I still miss him, miss chatting and texting and SEX . Some small part of him will miss me too. V sad.

Thanks for asking x

BitOutOfPractice Thu 07-Nov-13 07:41:58

Hi R&B. Yesterday sounds like it was a bit better. Good! Well done!

I hope today is a fraction better too. You will get there just like that

cjel Thu 07-Nov-13 09:57:00

Hope you have a lovely weekend with you DB, so glad that your boss is supportive, very different from some bosses. I had a two word response to my email to H yesterday and cried to see his name in my inbox!!! how pathetic is that?smile
Do you feel any better today? Hopefully the meds should work soonxx

redundantandbitter Thu 07-Nov-13 22:11:39

Feel much better thanks.

I know how you feel - I got an email 2 weeks ago that was cold and curt ... I was crying before I even opened it.

They don't even know what they're doing to us and they don't care.

Come on karma. .. Do your thing... Please!

BitOutOfPractice Fri 08-Nov-13 08:22:43

Oh you poor things hmm my ex texted me a few weeks ago and I literally froze in my tracks when I heard his text tone. I was shaking and dry mouthed when I read it. I won't tell you what it said because your eyes will roll out of your heads

Hope today is calm and peaceful for you two today

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 08:27:22

thank you and you BITxx

cakehappy Fri 08-Nov-13 09:32:06

Hi OP and all the regulars here who are helping the OP and who have been through the wringer themselves, been lurking from the beginning and just wanted to say how amazing I think you all are. Sounds like ya'all have been through some sad times. Big hand squeeze.

redundantandbitter Fri 08-Nov-13 09:47:07

Hi cjel and BIT hope you feel a bit calmer after your text/emails from ex's. your heart just breaks doesn't it? So sad that other people are going through shite too.

Off to counselling this morning, feeling anxious - not sure if its the meds or me!

Thanks cake your squeeze is much appreciated.

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 10:17:29

Oh I envy you your counselling, I used to look forward to mine!! I am sitting here feeling crap with a head cold nowsmile!!!

BitOutOfPractice Fri 08-Nov-13 11:19:57

Oh no cjel, that's all you need. Hot toddy later?

Hope the couselling goes well R&B and you're able to get some more peace from it

You are one day closer to emerging into the sunshine R&B x

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 14:44:10

Two crappy miserable fed up days. More tears daily. I am taking the meds as directed and know it will take time but I still can't get past the.. 'I love you but she's warm and spiritual'. I invested so much. He was my friend and we were constantly in touch. It's such a bitter pill to swallow that he went away for 10 days and couldn't remember me when faced with a shiny thing. We were in love. We weren't in a failing relationship, we didn't fight, we were loving , caring and relaxed. I am genuinely gutted. Still.

I know I know , I'm just stuck.

Sorry

cjel Sun 10-Nov-13 15:05:27

Don't apologise, I find weekends really hard everyone else seems coupled up and there aren't the daily distractions to keep you busy. I used to come in and shut the door and cry every friday!!!

It is really early days for you. This is just a bad couple of days not an indicator of how tomorrow or the rest of your life will be The pills can't take away the pain they can only get you to a place where you can cope with it. Go with the flow and wallow today and you'll soon get fed up with itsmilexx

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 16:15:41

I dreamt about him last night. Dreamt he phoned me and said "hi, it's me" . It was very real. I was up early this morning with my hobby and have been preoccupied with this dream all day. I dearly want to see him.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-Nov-13 16:18:32

You poor sausage xx

That feeling of never seeing them again...crippling pain sad

Try and get a long bath and an early night tonight and I hope you can drift off for a lovely pecaeful night.

We are right behind you cheering you on xx

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 16:40:59

Thank you, I know I am on repeat and sound woolly. I am just struggling.

Got a 90 min round trip drive to collect my DDs from their dads. Freelance work this evening. It's my daughter 5 th birthday in Thursday and nothing really organised. I feel such a shit mum now too. Not a lot is going right. Ok, I know I need a shake

cjel Sun 10-Nov-13 16:43:45

HA HA! Do you want a shake or would you really rather have a hug(((Hug))) just in casexx

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-Nov-13 16:45:06

Right. Get yourself upstairs and wash your face and clean your teeth so you feel more awake.

Make a list of what you have to do. You can do it on a dictaphone in the car while you drive then write it up when you get home.

Then, get an early night and try and sleep.

Give yourself the best chance to be all up and at 'em in the noring

And don't worry about repeating yourself. It's understandable and fine x

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 22:30:09

Thanks. Feel better now the DDs are home. Had a blip earlier. Sorry, and thank you for responses

cjel Sun 10-Nov-13 22:33:54

I call mine 'wobbles'! Glad you feel better nowx

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 23:15:02

'Wobble ' is one of my EXP's words - it use to make my heart sink. It meant trouble ahead. Always. But I know what you mean, ta chuck.

Least I have a quiet life.

cjel Mon 11-Nov-13 12:20:08

Oh dear, well you won't wobble then, You blip!!!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 12-Nov-13 06:54:16

Hello r&b and cjel. Hope today isn't too blippy

cjel Tue 12-Nov-13 09:49:06

thanks bit, has started bit blippy for me! My cold is doing well and my hormones as wellsmile!! getting up and going out to see some friends so it will get better!! Hope you are all having a good dayx

suchatwat Tue 12-Nov-13 20:46:45

Hi R&B my thoughts are with you cos my feelings certainly are, am in a very similar situation to you also the timeline, atm I have good days and bad, today for some reason has been bad. I think you feel the same as me, being left behind in this pissy life while he is off skipping hand in hand, makes me SO angry. Like you I have NC but that is due to him, I wake up thinking what they are doing and going to sleep thinking what they have done. Seeing no end to this :-(
BUT listening to all the great advise on here gives me hope for us both ((hugs))

redundantandbitter Tue 12-Nov-13 21:16:28

Hi cjel hope you had a nice time out today and are feeling better.

such you poor thing, we could sit and weep together, how sad and pathetic are we. Left behind to live with broken hearts and crippling pain. Sorry to hear about your situation too. How are you getting through the days? I have been on antidepressants for a week and am seeing a Relate counsellor, I don't always agree 100% with her but its a valuable time for me to sob and waffle on and it helps.

The last three nights I dreamt of him, phone calls, conversations, I felt him Holding my hand. Last night I dreamt I reached my hands up his shirt and opened his chest, I took his heart in both my hands and was trying to locate his heart strings. Pretty f'ing sad huh? Total friggin loser

Hope you are having a better day today such x

cjel Tue 12-Nov-13 22:22:16

Much better thanks and good day. How about you?

I dream as well although the feelings are very easily shrugged off now.
(I'm 2 years ahead of you) Somehow have the dreams and thoughts without the strong pain and anguish now so that must be goodsmile.

Heres to a good sleep with no thoughts of 'their life' or 'them' in our dreams only dreams of how strong and happy we are going to bewine

redundantandbitter Tue 12-Nov-13 23:01:56

I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future... I wish I could see his life falling apart and him grovelling apologies to me while I snog some handsome chap who's NORMAL.. Then I could stop moping around now and do bikini line in preparation get on with my life.

Shallow dreams don't help - sorry to hear you still them 2 yrs on. You've had a crappy time indeed!

Thanks and night

cjel Tue 12-Nov-13 23:19:18

its sort of ok about the dreams as I don't have the emotion about them that I used to . Remember what they say that the best revenge is to live a good life wellsmile
Sweet Dreams!!!!

suchatwat Tue 12-Nov-13 23:30:26

R & B if we sat & cried together I would fear we would never stop! I am reduced to living back at home with ma & pa so can't really cry my heart out as loudly as I would like - Christ I will be 52 at the end of the year :-(
All the plans for getting married,moving to another country, being together for ever, gone cos he was a cowardly, lying, cheating shitbag. I would have laid my life down for him and gave up so so much, it's the devastation of him throwing me to the kerb that hurts the most.
I think I should have gone to the doc for AD's but trying to go without, although some days when I am especially bad I think I should just make an appointment. I only have temp work atm so think a perm job is the way forward.
My family and friends have been fantastic I couldn't ask for more but am worried they will be getting fed up with me but reading yr posts I know u feel exactly the same, God I sound like a weirdo, I promise I am not ! Just a woman totally, totally heartbroken.
Hope you sleep well tonight x

BitOutOfPractice Wed 13-Nov-13 13:48:12

Oh such. Your post made me well up. In fact, I could've written it 10 months ago (even the bit about moving to another country)

Keep going. There's pain and tears to grind through but you will come out the other side. Promise.

I hope my friends cjel and R&B are ok today too

I had a skinful on Monday night and came this close > < to texting the ex. Thank fuck I didn't. I did the while listening to our songs, sobbing routine which I haven't done for MONTHS. think the combination of drink, hormones, and going to see a band we both liked tipped me over the edge blush I'm fine now though. Apart from the headache yesterday

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 16:16:34

Oh what are we like. I have often thought there should be a weekly group you can go to and discuss what's happened to you.. Relationships wise... But for now it's counselling and meds and MN.

such thanks for your post - what on earth happened? You sound broken, least you have your m&d around, and a roof over your head. Yes, your post made me well up to. I was so looking forward to getting married ... And he knew that. It's a bitter, bitter pill. Hope you feel better today? Why not let your GP know how you're feeling?

bit - this is why I don't drink! So sorry you had a sad time . I have to listen to radio 4 as i can't listen to music. Well done for NOT texting though.

It's so very very hard. I have been shipping for my daughters 5th birthday tomorrow and I came over all sad. No one to share any chat with, missing physical contact and sex. Missing the compliments and adoration. I will never forgive him.

cjel Wed 13-Nov-13 18:12:11

Hello Ladies, Hope today has been better for you all. I've had a day in front of tv with my cold but feel very relaxed and happysmile I hope its not to long until you join mex

BitOutOfPractice Wed 13-Nov-13 18:16:44

That's good to hear cjel smile

I'm F&D today too. Drink definiteky depresses me when I'm due on and I shouldn't do it. I know I feel better today after a booze free night last night

R&B I made a "safe" playlist on my iPod that I listened too, jam packed with "fuck you" and "I will survive" type songs.

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 20:44:31

A safe playlist, good idea. I would rather plod on with radio 4 for the time being. Dull. I know. At work the radio is in and i find lots of songs v hard to hear. I just cry.

Xmas is going to a complete bastard! My ex is groovy but he always had a thing about Mariah Carey at Xmas... It made me cringe and laugh at the same time... Argh

Joining you on the sofa cjel wrapping birthday presents for my dd tomorrow.

cjel Wed 13-Nov-13 21:18:19

RandB Christmas will be different, It will be tearful but doesn't have to be bad. How exciting for your dd how old will she be?xx

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 21:27:32

I know xmas will be hard. Last year was the First Xmas day that I saw him..even though it was at 1130 at night after he's finished work.

DDs father is messing me about with Xmas childcare as he only wants to do the minimum but I have to work as its the busiest time if the year - but he won't look after DDs if he thinks he's doing me a favour.

So I will be running around like an idiot, holding it all together. My youngest is 5 tomorrow. My eldest has her 9th birthday at the December which makes it all more hectic. Sorry, I have a propensity to feel sorry for myself.

cjel Wed 13-Nov-13 21:32:34

Thats ok, You don't sound like you do. I've had a good wallow this week with my cold and hormones, I have had a real pity week but I don't have the pain and I can feel it lifting tonight. for the first t ime ever I think I will be with friends not family for christmas and that hurts, My dd will be going to friends and my DS hasn't invited me(Yet?) it feels quite hurtful but I have to get on with it don't I? Hope dds dad comes up trumps for the girls. y little grandson is 2 on Monday, its lovely when they still enjoy the excitement isn't it?

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 21:40:00

Oh no, Hormones & cold isn't a good combination. Hope you're curled up all warm and comfy?

Could you ask DS about Xmas or have you already made plans with friends?

Thanks for your words. Much appreciated. Had a meeting at work today and instead of my usual boring everyday job I may be able to get involved with a project that I like the sound of. Instead of feeling pleased I just think ' I would love to tell him' - WTF , why can't I eject him from my head and heart. It's messing me up .

cjel Wed 13-Nov-13 21:51:26

It does mess you up doesn't it, I don't know why we do it ,I'd still like to share things with him sometimes. DS and his partner have 3dcs and only got their first home together this year so they may well want their first christmas together, we all live in same small town so I will see them in the morning anyway and we have a big get together (14 of us) the day after boxing day so I'll enjoy the time with my friendssmile

cjel Wed 13-Nov-13 21:52:17

New project sounds hopeful something to get stuck into and make new memories.xx

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 22:38:41

I like the sound of a big get together. I don't have anything like that. I'll be working anyway.

Tbh I hate my job, desperate to get out. But this could pass the time better and keep me instead rather than outside at this time of year. I owe my boss , ages been pretty accommodating over the past 2 years, so I have to volunteer. It's better than my day job though.

Night , hope your cold improves and you feel better tomorrow x

BitOutOfPractice Wed 13-Nov-13 22:57:07

Night ladies. Here's to a peaceful night x

redundantandbitter Wed 13-Nov-13 23:31:19

Night x

redundantandbitter Sat 16-Nov-13 10:38:49

So.. I have written some thoughts down over the past few weeks... Think I have the basis of a letter.. It's not 'you're a bastard' - his ex wife does a lot of that already and it just feeds his ego/ falls on deaf ears. It's not 'I loved you so much' which would, again, feed his ego. My letter is more a clinical analysis of his past and present behaviour traits and patterns. He always says I knew him very well and listened previously when I gently suggested he did't need to do x, y &z. His behaviour is all over the place. Trying to be too many things.

I'm going to show it to my counsellor on Friday. I feel I still need to close this thing. I don't want/expect a response. I guess I just need to get some stuff off my chest and having a long time apart means I have had time to disassociate.

It's been a help to me to be able to make notes on my phone rather than it ho round and round my head.

My counsellor says i've been too reasonable but I'm just not the 'mad bad action' type. Anyone else sent something similar? Does it make me a raving loony?

cjel Sat 16-Nov-13 17:01:15

Evening. I sent a three page email summarizing my feelings after a few months. I don't know what he thought of it he didn't say , but the point was for me to send it not to start discussion. I still don't feel angry just worried for himsmile, I don't go for all this anger either and think as long as its not to your detriment you can't be too reasonable. I did everything he wanted in a kind way and tried not to add any stress to his life. when he was ranting about things I calmly stated I wasn't going to fall out with him about it and I didn't..However this week he has suggested going halves on the divorce and I am going to reply that I can't afford it, if he wants divorce he can pay!!!

I wouldn't write anything about his behaviour though as it suggest you have been thinking about him!!! I just wrote how I would always love him had always supported him and was sorry that he was going through such a crap time and I was worried for him and always there is he ever wanted someone to talk to or if I could help in any way,(written hoping he never would)

YOu can talk it through with your counsellor and she should help to clarify what you want to leave in, take out or add. Just make sure she doesn't tell you what to putsmile

redundantandbitter Sat 16-Nov-13 17:11:01

Wow .. Go you. That must have been hard.

Tbh I could write that I love him always etc etc but a) it's pointless b) makes me look a bit sad and c) would just feed his ego.

I am going for the behaviour analysis as its a bit cold and emotionless, which I can manage without breaking my heart. He wont expect it. Plus it is his Achilles heel - as he doesn't know himself at all - so some of the bullet points might sting a little. Good.

I'm afraid I can't be as kind as you sounded in your email. Quite frankly he doesn't deserve my attention and emotional support hanging around in the wings. He can fall flat on his face for all I care. Not my problem. He's not contacted me or been remotely arsed about me. I'm not trying to instigate a conversation either. It's just to allow me a chance to get some of the sense from counselling down in paper and sent.

It should arrive on his doormat on our anniversary. Not that he'll remember.

cjel Sat 16-Nov-13 17:22:32

That sounds good, I've just heard he may be somewhere I'm going on Monday and I haven't seen him for 8 months!! I'm amazed at the power he still has to upset mesmileHe may not even be there but I'm nervous already!!! tidy clothes and 'face' on!!

I think you need to let it all come out -I was having counselling when it all blew up and I stayed with counselling another year and it was so brilliant to have it every week to talk it all through as it was happening.

How you feeling today?

redundantandbitter Sat 16-Nov-13 19:39:48

8 months! Well I hope he doesn't show up, and you don't get churned. Fingers crossed.

Fed up today. Been busy with my kids and a friends 2 kids. She's heavily pregnant so helping out. She's listened to me whine often enough.

I still lie awake in the shall hours remembering his smell, his touch and his kiss and physicality. I find myself saying 'what just happened?' ... It's very hard to absorb. Life goes on, just not as I wanted. Hope you have a good evening x

redundantandbitter Sat 16-Nov-13 19:41:04

cjel how's your cold?

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 10:55:06

Morning , I hope you had a better nights sleep. I always manage to sleep for hours - just the dreams bit weird sometimes- Cold is still going strong I'm afraid making me feel low and sorry for myself!!! Haven't seen anyone again since friday although as I have this cold I haven't noticed. I find I tend to avoid people when I'm like this!! A friend has invited herself for roast tonight so I have to go and buy a chicken in a bit, I love her to bits but she is just learning a lot about herself and I find she can spend hours discussing it.(2 Thurs, 2 Friday and 1and a half last night) I could do with taking my mind off myself and self improvment so we'll see!!!

Have you noticed how many songs are about being with people for ever at the momentsmile
Got any plans for today? I'm just getting a leaf hoover delivered in a bit, 3hrs sweeping last Sunday and doesn't look like I bothered now!!!

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 11:14:32

Struggling with separation and NC today

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 12:18:27

its sooo hard isn't it.sad

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 14:37:15

Oh no, you're ill and you have to cook for someone else. Hope you are up to it?

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 14:41:51

Dur posted too early....

Yeah, lots of annoying songs, also avoiding the big Xmas adverts with soppy songs.

Been to the park with DDs and dog this morning and now having a DVD on sofa .

I'm fed up with normal joyless boring domesticity. I want my partner back and to wake up from this cruel dream.

I know they are together and it's killing me.

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 15:56:50

It won't kill you and you really will move away from the pain.My H said he wpould only babysit for dgcs if she could go this week, The thought of her near them is horrid. My dcs won't meet her so I don't think it will happen but the thought of them together in 'our' life isn't easy. I'm ok cooking I find it theraputic and stops my mind wanderingsmile

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 15:47:42

Hello lades. Sorry to hear you struggled this weekend sad

had a stomach churning moment last night. Had to turn the car round in front of ex's flat and there was the new occupants sitting on the balcony, overlooking the sea, where I did so many hundreds of times. That made my stomach flip.

But I was OK. Went to a gig which made me BUZZ so I forgot all about him

R&B you'll get there. The pain will lessen.

And I really don't want you to send that letter

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 16:31:32

Why not?

He's treated me like a bag of shite. We were totally fine before his holiday. He swans back, carries on seeing me while considering new girlfriend option... Shags me a few times.. Sends loving texts.. Then simply says I met someone warm and spiritual and I walk away like the sap I am - and go NC.

I think he's got off lightly - i may even email new girlfriend too and ex wife while i'm there. What the hell. Counselling and anti depressants. I have no self esteem anyway .

stickysausages Mon 18-Nov-13 17:13:23

Please don't contact them. Please keep your dignity.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 17:23:31

I know. It's really really really tempting. Believe me I really truly do. I still have days when I want to contact mine and I have written reams of letters which I haven't sent.

But here's why not

1. It will not change anything. He will not read your letter and want to come back (sorry)

2. You will be feeding his ego. "Oh she's still carrying a torch for me" is what he will think

3. He won't answer any of your questions so you'll have anger about that to deal with as well. Even if he does answer, he won't be honest

4. In a few months time you will kick yourself that you had a moment of weakness and contated him after doing so well for so long

5. It will churn everything up for you again but all he'll do is roll his eyes, shrug and shake his head and forget about it (sorry)

6. He'll probably show it to yoga lady and they'll have a little bonding session over it (sorry)

7. No matter how calm and measured you make it, you'll come across a little bit unhinged (sorry)

8. At the end of the day, knowing reasons won't make it any easier. It might just make it even more painful

9. The answers don't really matter now. It is what it is

10. You will have lost your dignity a bit

Sorry if that sounds harsh. But I don't want you to do something that I know you will regret

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 17:24:37

I mean all that to help you, not to hurt you. Please learn for others' mistakes.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 17:37:11

I'm not asking any questions. Not expecting a reply. Nit wanting him back.

It's a analysis of his behaviour .., compartmentalising etc. he's ALWAYS gone on about it and I have completely sussed him with help from counsellor. Just coldly pointing out that he's not what he thinks he is.

If he doesn't read it, so what?

He won't sit with her and read it coz it'll be full of painful truths and he'd be too embarrassed.

Won't see him ever again. I get closure. I feel quite calm and cold about it. Don't get me wrong I am still f'ked up and in love with him. But none of that's going in the letter. Oh, and I'm typing it.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 17:43:37

But how will this give you closure? Any more than writing it and not sending it?

Your outward motive seems to be to hurt him. That can't be something that's worth lowering yourself to, surely? You say you don't want a response. But deep down in your heart you do don't you? You want him sobbing on your doorstep begging for you back after the scales have fallen from his eyes after reading your letter. And that's perfectly understandable. In my darkest hours I would stil love my ex to come crawling back to me - not so I could get back with him. So I could make him suffer like he did me.

And BeadBoy won't take on board anything that you say anyway. He has justified his behaviousr to himself now and he will just dismiss what you say as the ramblings of a woman scorned who has a. lost the plot and b. is still in love with him

I promise you, you will regret it. If not now, then further down the line.

And I would be AMAZED if your counsellor thinks it's a good idea

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 18:01:45

R&B - I agree with BitOutOfPractice I'm afraid, it might hurt a little to read her list of reasons not to send the letter and you might not agree with them all but I can see - even in my own situation - that what she writes is absolutely true.

I have written my H letters / notes / emails - I have never sent them. I have come close and had moments of what the hell and if I'm honest, it was to make him think about what he's lost. BUT - these men do think about what they have lost, before they leave us and they resign themselves to that. My H said before he left that I am 10 steps behind him as he has done all his thinking and now I was at the start of the torment.

I am so glad that I have maintained my dignity. I have had moments where I thought, to hell with it - and my dignity - but I am so glad I didn't send them to him.

One bit of advice I can add to BOOP's great post is to suggest buying a journal. Write down all your thoughts, swear, scribble, let the pages get crumpled with your tears but keep it for yourself as part of your healing process.

Your ADs will kick in, the tears will reduce and it will get a bit more bearable.

It hurts, he's hurt you terribly, but please don't be responsible for hurting yourself with sending a letter.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 18:03:10

I also think that your counsellor needs to focus on you rather than your ExP.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:37

Thanks guys.., its me that focuses on him during counselling... She'll stop me eventually.

Out of the two of us it was me that was the sensible practical one. Me that could see stupid patterns of behaviour and where he was upsetting himself/ex w. they would beat each other up (verbally) and go round and round in circles. I guess I tried to help
Him break free of that and take a step back. He always said I know him too well and that all the letter will be. Just the stuff that I would have said to him if we were still together, nothing mean or bitchy, equally nothing pathetic and begging.

I don't want him back after he's been with her. Urgh.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 18:24:12

If it helps, why don't you post the letter on here instead?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 18:47:09

But R&B youre not still together. Sorry I know I'm being harsh and I hope I'm not upsetting you. The brutal truth is that your opinions and insights don't mean anything to him, aren't welcome and are not really any of your concern any more.

Can you imagine how fucked off you'd be if he sent you a letter now outlining all your faults and mistakes? You would rightly say "My foibles are no longer any of your business or concern! Butt out!" And that is what (sadly) is entitled to say to you

Please trust me. It will make you feel worse not better. It will not help you. It will make you cringe further along the line. And it will not have the desired effect on him Don't do it!!

I'm going to butt out now because I am worried I am going to overstep the mark.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 18:49:32

Just one last thing. I thought I knew my ex better than anyone in the world. Knew him inside out. Everything about him and his personality. But clearly I didn't. I didn't know he was a liar and cheat. And I didn't know him well enough he'd been carrying on a double life for over a year.

Obviously you didn't know BeadBoy fully either sad.

Sorry, I am being brutal but I don't think we ever fully know anyone

Putitonthelist Mon 18-Nov-13 19:23:49

So sorry you're feeling so down R&B. I think you've pretty much arrived at the anger stage.

I'm another one who is advising you not to send the letter. I sent a few emails when we first split up which I deeply regret now (regret the fact that he knew he was in my thoughts so much). Type it/write it by all means and when you've said all you've got to say shred it.

You know my story. I composed a letter too, before I sent it I had a coffee with his ex-wife. She had written him a letter when he left her for his OW. They had been married for 10 years and had 2 DC together. She poured her heart out in a 4 page letter and gave it to him. He never replied and has made no mention of it in the 10 years they have been apart. What a pig. He didn't even have the decency to answer any of her question after all that time. He wasn't interested in what she thought, he had moved on.

There will come a day when you don't think about him in any capacity - you're are doing well - just put one foot infront of the other and stay strong x

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 21:44:09

Just come back from a meeting - thanks for the replies. I know you've all been there. I appreciate your thoughts and experience.

It seems the general consensus is that I'm a bit angry and sending him a letter isn't a good idea. I honestly don't feel angry. I'm still at the sobbing 'we were in love - how could you ' blah blah blah stage. Not really an angry person, more a wallow on my pyjamas type (you may have noticed)

I'll draft it. I'll sit on it. Of course I'm still upset.

I'm 43 and poured myself into that relationship. I would rather be alone now than venture down that path again. I am so hurt. Sorry

cakehappy Mon 18-Nov-13 21:57:36

I'm with the others, don't send that letter! Don't let him know he is still scratching around in your brain, it will just feed his ego. He won't care what you writesad he will just like the attention. Silence is golden, you will always be on the back foot as you were the last to make contact and you'll always wonder how it made him feel/ what he thought of what you wrote, ect... You just have to ride this out OP. Keep your dignity, you'll be so happy later on that you did.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 22:11:53

Nooooo come on. It's a letter. I'm not sobbing on his front door step. Not bothered about being in the back foot etc. he's not arsed about silence coz it suits him. It's not about prodding him into contacting . He won't. That's fine .

This is about me saying stuff I want to get off my chest.

But I'll wait. I'll write it and hold . For now. I really don't see how i'll regret sending him a moment of uncomfortable reading. He might even bin it. Whatever. He's caused me enough sodding grief.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 22:16:30

R&B - I can read that you are upset, I'm there too at times, 11 years for me and it's hard, I know that. I would just say that if you feel like sending it then just wait 24 hours. You might feel differently. Once it goes in the post box, it's done and you might regret it the next day or the next week.

Do you think the ADs are having any effect yet? Is it about 4 weeks that you've been on them?

How are your DDs?

DeMaz Mon 18-Nov-13 22:37:09

R & B, I don't blame you for wanting to get things off your chest and yes writing a letter is a great way to 'let it out but pleeeease don't send it to him. He might do a number of hurtful things with it; ignore it, read it and then throw it straight in the bin without a second thought, read it with his new woman.
You WILL end up feeling even worse than you do now if you don't get a reaction from him!

He's a complete arsehole and the best thing you can do is get on with your life with your daughters.

By the way, I have met someone named Karma and she is a bit of a bitch. Sit back and watch her at work.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 22:49:51

I don't want to upset you either but I always think of the worst outcome when I think of doing these things. For me, it would be that he sent it back to me re-addressed and unopened. Is that a possibility?

Are you okay? x

ellasmum1 Mon 18-Nov-13 22:55:47

i am in a similar position and every bloody day i want to send emails or letters to my ex(now shacked up with younger slimmer lady).
DO NOT SEND HIM ANYTHING!!!!!!!
ANYTHING at ALL will just feed his ego..
Please keep your dignity,you have done so,so well up to now.
He won't take what you write remotely seriously ,all he'll think is "bless her shes really hurt and missing me and can't stop thinking about me...I must be so special".He will definitely chuck it in the bin.
Its not your job any more to be analysing him.
The only thing that will bother him is you looking happier and
contented without him.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 22:56:53

Yeah, thanks what just fed up.

I don't care what he does with the letter - can stick it up his hairy a**e for all I care. Don't want a response. And he'd have to put another stamp on it to send it back and he won't be arsed. Too tight careful with his cash

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 22:58:37

You have no idea how much i want the karma thing to be true.

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 23:03:21

ellasmum is right, you have done so well especially since a few weeks ago when you handed his things back.

^The only thing that will bother him is you looking happier and
contented without him^

Can you concentrate on you? It made me feel a bit better just getting a different hairstyle, one that I wanted for years but my H would rather I had one like Jessie J (?)

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 23:13:59

R&b I hope I have proved throughout this thread that I have your best interests at heart. Your plight struck a chord with me and I truly do want what's best for you. Please don't send it. Listen to what these ladies say. I promise you we are right.

Please don't think I don't appreciate what pain you're in. Every time I read what you say it reminds me very painfully of how it feels. I will never forget. But when you are in the midst of it you don't think clearly.

Don't send the letter.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 23:17:58

No offence, and you're all being very patient, but he'll never see me to be bothered about me looking happier and contented. He couldn't care less, he's made that clear with his stupid emails asking if I have his bloody railcard.

Honestly , I could be dead for all he knows/cares.

I only wanted to get stuff out of my head and hand it over to him. It's his choice even to open the letter or not.

I spent too long in two VERY different relationships not feeling able to express myself. Now both of them have got other shiny partners and one letter ain't going to make an iota of difference - but I will have done something. Not just sat back and been walked on.., again.

I know I know. I can practically hear you all sighing and rolling your eyes. Maybe I would be too if I was reading my own shite.

redundantandbitter Mon 18-Nov-13 23:22:04

5 yr old dd in my bed now - so signing off

Thanks BOOP . I know you're being so kind. Food for thought, sorry to remind you of your pain. It's not nice for one person and yet what and cjel and so many others have been there. I hurt .

ellasmum1 Mon 18-Nov-13 23:24:32

Then do it.We are all here for you either way smile
I emailed my ex last night after NC for nearly 4 weeks.
WISH i hadnt today! Grrrr
Its not so much an issue whether he sees you or not being happy and content,
its the fact that YOU know inside that if it did happen,it looks as if you really weren't that bothered..

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 23:25:01

It's not shite, it's your feelings and they are so important.

I didn't change my hair or put make up on for my H, I did it for me and I tell you, the compliments I have got, even from those who have no idea what's going on with me, so I know they're not just being 'nice', have been so helpful. Do everything for yourself and your DCs. I've seen my H for a total of 1 hour 10 minutes in 2 months.

It's not weak that you didn't couldn't express yourself in those relationships, you moved on from your ExP and got 2 jobs and brought up your DCs. He didn't, you did that.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 07:34:28

Morning r&b. first port of call online today is here. To see how you are and whether you've been near any blummin post boxes wink

Not rolling my eyes at all. I am only wishing I could give you a hug. I was given advice too when I was at my lowest ebb and carrying out some particularly destructive behaviour with my ex. Did I listen? Did I heck as like! Only when I was ready. I wasn't ready to hear it.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 08:48:57

Thanks bit for the hug. Much needed .

I am around post boxes all day! I'm a postie. Not put anything in one . Yet.

Want to send her an email too - wishing her good luck. Telling her to take care Of herself . i seem to be moving in the wrong direction completely! WTF is the matter with me. ?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 09:31:28

There's nothing the matter with you apart from having a broken heart and going through the roller coaster of emotions that a broken heart brings. It's all perfectly normal. And natural.

I bet. A million people have told you that he's not worth your tears. But still you shed them. It takes a while for your heart to catch up with your brain that's all

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 10:37:40

I've tried sending this twice, last night and earlier and it wouldn't go either time.

I am going to go against the grain!! I sent email to mine. I wrote, rewrote, slept on it, read to a friend and counsellor, slept on it re wrote, slept on it then sent!!!
I felt we hadn't had closure as I'd moved out and had 30 years worth of not telling him how I really felt to say, He replied that he hadn't known I felt like that and didn't know what to say so I just sent quick reply that my intention wasn't to get response but just that I needed to say it.

I think it helped us be able to see each other and not be so awkward( Saw him yesterday and we both held each others eye contact when leaving and arriving and that was weird)

I have never had the anger phase and don't think its necessary I know other people who are very happily moved on and didn't get angry. I had counselling the whole way through so maybe that helped.

Hope this doesn't confuse you R&B,
How you doing today?x

Putitonthelist Tue 19-Nov-13 10:42:23

Not sighing or rolling eyes just sending a big ((hug)) x

One step forward two steps back is the name of the game. As Bit said all of your thoughts and behaivour is normal. I had a good August and September on the whole and then bam October hit me like a ton of bricks again - having to deal with his birthday and so many memories from that particular month.

I wanted to contact her too. I still do some days after 9 months down the line. But we don't know what the consequences of our actions may be so it's just not worth it.

It's like treading water - sometimes you go under and feel like you're drowning. Others days you stick you head above the water and take gulps of fresh air. You will get to the point of indifference x

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 10:57:13

I honestly can't wait to get to indifference coz I hate being stuck in this place where I am still in love. I find myself thinking I could actually be one of those strange people that 'pretend' they still have a partner long after they've gone. I still look at things and cards in shops .. Even bought an Xmas decoration for him.., I won't send it... But I wanted to buy it for him. WTF WTF WTF??

Cjel - whoa yesterday must have been strange. How are you?

My email to her is simply 'good luck , enjoy him and run when he starts to drain you'

I am working on the basis that none of it is cruel and I would be prepared to say it to their faces and have to ask myself 'could I face that person again?'. Yes, I think so. They both know I'm not a mean nasty person. I haven't done anthing wrong and neither has she.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 11:24:06

I sent the OW an email. I bitterly bitterly regret it. Don't do it. Please don't!

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 12:48:16

I wouldn't give OW satisfaction of knowing you know about her!!
Yesterday was weird. Really hard when he left not to ask what time he'd be in for tea or give him a big hug as he left!! Had to practically sit on my hands! I did come home and think why do I love him so much, but I do realise that I miss the myth - not what we really had and I felt surprisingly calm and still do.
I think part of that is because I feel I said everything I wanted to to him and don't have any left over things to go over.
Our dgcs loved having us both together, as I went in the three year old excitedly told me he was there so I had to be excited too!!!
Ditch any contact with OW thoughsmile

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 13:21:27

Don't give HIM the satisfaction of knowing you're still even thinking about him. Because a selfish, self-absorbed fucker like him will get satisfaction out of knowing you're pining for him. And sending him a letter of any description is as good as walking round with a sandwich board on it saying "I'm still in bits over you". Do you want to give him that opportunity to pity you?

Putitonthelist Tue 19-Nov-13 13:36:00

OP - you're very first question was how to immunise yourself - we all advised you to go NC then - please don't take a backwards step, you will regret it.

Sorry you're hurting so much, it's horrible x

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 14:15:51

Ok, yes you are right. I have done well at NC. I am sure if I'd sent message or replied to his one text/ 2 emails that we would be still in touch but it wouldn't be as I would like... Do this is the best way. STILL have the overwhelming urge to send him the letter. It's not pining, it's cold , but I can see what you mean . Tbh I have no doubts whatsoever that he has completed packed me away and buried his memories . So a letter will be just to help me... And will no doubt be water off a ducks back as he won't remember me.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 14:22:25

Of course he remembers you hon.

I still have those urges too. It's really really tough. But it's so worth it if you can manage it.

Whereabouts are you. We should arrange a mini meet for the regulars here!

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 15:02:10

Bloody miserable Manchester

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 15:12:05

Oh poo. I'm in sunny Essex

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 15:16:54

I still disagree and think that if you want to send it then send it. He won't care, and as long as you realise that it won't get things back as they were ,then it doesn't matter if you feed his ego, you shouldn't be thinking about his ego only what is best for you, If sending it is going to really be best for you then do it. I did and I feel better for having done it two years on it was still the right decision for me. Just don't delude yourself as to the reasons why you are doing it.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 15:40:13

Thanks cjel. I am still on the 'sending it' side of things. Will sleep on it. Maybe typing it up will make me feel differently. It's just a bunch if notes at the mo.

BOOP Essex?? Poo indeed. WAs such a nice thought though. Much appreciated . You're all very kind

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 15:59:15

Hello Cjel grin

I just don't see what's to be gained from it. But I do agree that it's worthwhile really examining the motives for sending it.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:00:07

And Essex isn't too far from Manchester to stop me coming up there to smack your legs if you send it wink

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 16:02:53

OMG I Actualky laughed out loud BOOP - I dare you to slap my legs... Remember I have my own baton!

Putitonthelist Tue 19-Nov-13 16:06:24

grin @ BOOP

As you know I'm in Manchester too OP - and definitely within leg smacking distance!!

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 16:12:03

Argh ! put you could walk to my house from
Yours..... runs to lock door

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:13:13

You w ouldn't be running once I'd smacked your legs young lady!

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 16:14:39

BOOP , I don't know what is to be gained by notsmile Its not as if R&B is going to beg him or anything? I waited for a few weeks before sending mine and once I did it was out of my mind and gone, I spent weeks deciding one way or another and as I said still think it was right(Quick side step to avoid leg slapping)

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 16:15:18

Laughing so much the DDs are looking as me sideways! This is turning into a whole different kind of thread!

And 43 is not young! But thanks

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:19:29

It's young compared to me angry

Cjel I also waited a few weeks till I sent mine to the OW. Mine was also very calm. Telling her some home truths about him and what he had been up to. I didn't regret it at the time because it dropped a massive bomb in ex's lap. But I do regret it now as I feel I lowered myself to their level. And until then I had played a blinder

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 16:20:03

43 is young when you are my age!! washing machine being repaired - new motor and control panel and something else and its only 2 months old and used 3 times a week<

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:25:48

Blimey cjel is it in waranty? (sp?)

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 16:29:23

Yes and from JL so I am not expecting any trouble. I hope!!

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 16:31:41

I definitely think sending to OW is a bad bad idea!! mine was just to H to sort of end our marriage if that makes any sense, it was a things I regretted not saying type email.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 16:33:12

Good luck with the washer!

Re the OW - I was just going to say enjoy him but take off the rose tinted specs. When he gets too 'drama' then run for the hills.

I guess you should always look at the previous relationship to see what you are going out with.,.. He left his W, he left me after knowing her for days... But I will wish her luck and tell her to look after herself coz he won't . She seems nice, maybe she'll chuck him and get someone nicer

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:42:15

Why shoud you care about her?

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 16:46:21

R&B - he will have lied to her about you and some of it will probably include that you are unhinged!! If you contact her , whatever you think the reasons are it will come across as unhinged and confirm her opinion of you and do nothing for her opinion of him, leave well alone. Look what you are doing - I'm in danger of agreeing with BOOPsmile

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 16:50:25

You know it makes sense cjel! wink

I am liking BOOP as a nickname

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:03:45

Unhinged? Why would he? He allowed himself to fancy some other woman. We all know there was nothing 'wrong' before his holiday. There's nothing to tell her. He's probably just said she's more spiritual and I'm a ... Whatever the opposite of spiritual is. We didn't part on bad terms. Just sad terms

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 17:11:23

R&B he's a proven liar. Of course he hasnt told her that everything was fine with you. He will have told her that you are mad, bad, whatever it takes to justify himself so that he doesn't look like a total heartless bastard to yoga lady. Of COURSE he's lied to her about you

My ex told his OW that he had only been sleeping with me because he felt sorry for me angry I replied to that email that he had felt sorry for me 3 times the previous weekend grin and that he'd felt so sorry for me he'd proposed. He told her thatthat was a lie and that I was unhinged and unstable and that's why he'd left me.

Whatever.

He will not have told her the truth about you or your relationship. As I suspect you don't know the truth about his exDW or their relationship either

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:45:09

Ok. I hear you and your story.

But really, he will have skipped over the 'tricky' conversation re me and gone straight to 'aren't you fabulous' conversation . He didn't slag ex w off . And I don't expect him to slag me off. Though I admit he will have to have made something up... I suspect that's where the 'spiritual - known you in a previous life and therefore I just SHOULD be with you' bollocks comes into play.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 17:47:23

I'm not saying he slagged her off. But I bet he told you they weren't happy...they never had sex...they were living seperate lives...whatever bollocks they come up with

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:55:27

Ok. I hear you and your story.

But really, he will have skipped over the 'tricky' conversation re me and gone straight to 'aren't you fabulous' conversation . He didn't slag ex w off . And I don't expect him to slag me off. Though I admit he will have to have made something up... I suspect that's where the 'spiritual - known you in a previous life and therefore I just SHOULD be with you' bollocks comes into play.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:56:01

Sorry pressed twice

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 18:07:38

I don't want to make you feel like he's not special but really, reading this board shows you thatthey are all boringlyly, depressingly, disappointingly the bloody same!

cjel Tue 19-Nov-13 18:20:17

Mine told OW how hard it had been for him living with my depressions ad moods(She diagnosed me as BiPolar!!) He didn't mention the rape, violence and ea that lead to any of my 'moods'!!!!

He may not run you down directly but by saying how sad he is he is insinuating there is something wrong with you that you couldn't make it rightsad

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 18:32:15

Well we'll never know what he's told her, but I strongly suspect he's just fudged round the edges. He just wanted a new shag. Expect he would have had both given half a chance.

It's sad to read the utter bollocks that some blokes expect their partners to suck up. It's shit to think he falls into this category too. I know he thinks that ending it with me first somehow makes it all legit. But he started this thing on holiday - I have seen the photos- so it's all bollocks anyway.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 18:33:16

Well we'll never know what he's told her, but I strongly suspect he's just fudged round the edges. He just wanted a new shag. Expect he would have had both given half a chance.

It's sad to read the utter bollocks that some blokes expect their partners to suck up. It's shit to think he falls into this category too. I know he thinks that ending it with me first somehow makes it all legit. But he started this thing on holiday - I have seen the photos- so it's all bollocks anyway.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 18:33:56

Yep. He's not going to say "Everything was great with me and R&B. She was a great girl. I adored her and she loved me right back. We had a great time together and the sex was awesome. But I decided I wanted to fuck you more because I'm a selfish entitled twunt" is he?

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 19:16:15

Hmm not really...

But Jesus I gave him so much! Guess I made him think
He really was something special, handsome etc. now he's a bit vain and self absorbed. Shame really. Twunt indeed

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 19:29:24

It's really hard to swallow that a man you adored isn't what you thought he was. The disbelief is crippling because it just doesn't chime with what you saw and heard and felt. It's like you just can't make sense of it In your head. It truly does make you think you're going mad!

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 21:33:59

Yes, yep, exactly

Just found a whole bunch of photos on my computer, from
Him. . It's lovely to see them again. And NO I'm not wallowing, it made me feel nice actually. Not upset. Just fine.

But I am stuffing my face with my kids strawberry shoelaces .

cjel Wed 20-Nov-13 08:16:14

Morning, Hope today is a better day todayxx

BitOutOfPractice Wed 20-Nov-13 08:55:24

Yes here's to great days for you as well cjel

redundantandbitter Wed 20-Nov-13 12:24:44

Here to good days for us all. I'd like the churning to stop long enough to do my job!

Least it's sunny.

cjel Wed 20-Nov-13 12:31:54

Today has started good, I've been proactive and phoned a couple of people I want to expand friendship withsmile We have bit of sunshine now but have had horrendous storms this morning.

I command churning to stop R&B!!x

BitOutOfPractice Wed 20-Nov-13 13:48:22

Yes. Let the churning cease!

I am frozen and feeling gloomy. On my way back from London and the world's dullest meeting

cjel Wed 20-Nov-13 21:53:24

Hope you have got home and thawed out a bit BOOP?
Did your churning stop R&B? hope you got a good day?

I had good chats on phone and organised us to meet up, then old friend came unexpectedly and tonight my dd and her friend popped in when they were out for a run and needed toilet stop(I'm 4 miles from their homessmile

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 22:36:28

Hi cjel you sound like you have a busy house?? So please you are making plans.

BOOP feeling warmer and less gloomy?

I went to the docs yest to follow up the new meds. He seemed uninterested - referred to 'my situation' and added if I was 'back to my normal self?'. I think the look I gave him summed it up. I actually don't know what 'normal is'. Think
I've had depression since dd1 (nearly 9) and spent the last 4 yrs dicking about with beadboy /policeman. Can't remember what real life is.

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:18:25

Crap DR. I think you will get to see normal again smile but it can be slow. How can a few weeks on meds possibly work miracles? You are doing fine and feeling just what you should for 'your situation'!!!!
Hope he hasn't made you feel worse?xx

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 23:28:39

Cheers , no I feel numb mostly. He talked about increasing the dose but I refused point blank. They are just coveting the pain - not actually doing anything with it. Counselling tomorrow. That might help. Spent a bloody fortune so far. Could have bought myself a pink laptop, tool kit and leaf blower!

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:36:16

I think you are doing alright as you are and you will know when you want to increase (or decrease) the dose. counselling is amazing I'd recommend it every time!! have you looked for a charity that offers counselling? When things were a bit tough for me I was only paying a pound a session as they won't turn anyone away on cost? may be worth asking?x

I assembled leaf blower and then it was a bit cold so I put it in the garage and haven't used it yet!! Hoping to a the weekend of the leaves can dry out a bit more.
Hows work going?xx

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 23:52:00

Here's hoping you get to use your leaf blower!

Work is ok- I arrived at work this morning and a photographer was literally taking my cost off me and dragging me round the office to photograph me for the company magazine (new project I'm involved with - not that exciting) Not very embarrassing much!! Cue me standing in a very 'catalogue' pose with a letter. Urgh. Anyway it'a a change. Night all x

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 10:23:51

Ha,Ha, your life sounds more exciting than mine!! Photographer against leaf blower!!!x

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 13:00:57

Hmm bet the photo is horrendous!

Counselling was a bit grim. I want up be there but not sure what I have to say. Still hurt and upset , obviously. She mentioned, almost in passing at the end of the session, something along the lines of taking responsibility for my actions. Hmm need to explore that next week. Hope you have a nice time with your friend - eat some cake for me!

Putitonthelist Fri 22-Nov-13 16:14:57

Hi R&B. I think you do need to explore that?? Hope you're ok x Any nice plans for the weekend?

My head is all over the place. I had an amazing ONS on Saturday night (first time ever). He was lovely and I got enough details off him to find him on Facebook. I now keep looking at his profile - FGS what's wrong with me? I have no intention of contacting him, he's 15 years younger than me for a start!

But the worst thing is that I bumped into my ex at the school disco pick up last night. Despite telling him to leave me alone he cornered me (I had no choice but to speak to him because my DS was with me) and he was chatting, smiling and joking with me like we're the best of friends!! I was just about civil. I texted him when I got home and told me I don't want to speak to him ever again and to stay away from me. He's not replied. I feel more angry that upset. How dare he chat away to me as though every thing is fine and dandy?? I guess I'm not so indifferent after all hmm

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 17:40:19

What on earth does your counsellor mean by that??

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 18:21:20

Oh put what a weekend !! A ONS and everything... Eek. Step away from FB.. Put the phone down...

Your ex is a cheeky git. How cruel of him to corner you knowing you have to be civil. Very cruel indeed. It gives you insight into how he thinks of you ... Does he really think you're just 'fine and cool'?

cjel - well we were discussing the fact that he's done this to me before , the circs surrounded that and how / why I let him back into my life when I was seriously f'ed off with him. It's all a bit academic now. Though I could apologies to EXW but told my self I would only do that if she contacted me.

Think me and what are having a bleak Friday . Grrr

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 18:24:29

Oh It doesn't sound so bad put like that, I thought it was because the counsellor thought you had done something wrong to him!!
Another one here with an empty diary this weekend!!

BitOutOfPractice Fri 22-Nov-13 20:21:23

Hello friends!

put when I read that I am grateful that I have no idea what country my ex even lives in now and I have no chance of ever seeing him again even though sometimes the thought of never ever seeing him again makes my heart contract in my chest

I have nothing on this weekend either. For which I am grateful. Just me and the DC No bf to disturb us!

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 23:01:20

Have a lovely time BOOP , I will be spending the day Xmas shopping in a hellish mall , but need to start somewhere and it's something I wouldn't normally do. Them presents won't buy themselves.

what I understand your lurking. I know you're keeping a financial eye on things but now youve found out what he's buying- that can't help can it?

I was STUPIDLY looking at yoga lady's FB page tonight on my phone.., scrolling down too fast and making a cup of tea at the same time resulted in me pressing the friend request button. Jesus I freaked and 'undid' ASAP. Stupid stupid stupid. So I know how easy it is. Don't go there - you're doing better than me with FB.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 23-Nov-13 01:46:15

Oh fuck!!

I have done the obsessive FB stuff. More than I am prepared to admit. It's like a drug. But my love, no good will come of it. I won't tell you to stop because you'll only stop when you're ready.

Big love to you xx

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 09:37:03

I posted ... But appears to have gone astray.

BOOP (may I call you Betty?) . You are right, I'm bored, I miss him. No good comes of FB. There's a massive hole where his communications used to be and struggling to fill it.

I dreamt last night that he was seeing a 22 yr old foreign student in London. I went to see him and rifled through his things, tore up letters. I physically hit and slapped him. I threw a cup of tea at the wall and smashed it everywhere. He silently held the door open for me and rolled his eyes.

Think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. What a complete and utter bastard. It screws me up . Please take a ticket and form an orderly queue to slap me!

cakehappy Sat 23-Nov-13 13:21:17

No slapping from me OP, just sympathy...you seem to be fighting the pain of the break up, fighting the grieving and the loss, you are bitter and horrified in what you perceive as your "weakness" of not being able to shrug this / him off. Maybe you should just embrace your grief, allow yourself to feel however you feel minute by minute, day by day...you've suffered a massive loss and need TIME, TIME and more TIME to recover from this. Time to heal, time to reaquaint yourself with you as you have put so much ofbyourself into him over the last years, and you may find that in the end you reemerge like a beautiful butterfly from this cocoon of confusion and loneliness you're in at the moment...okay, that might have sounded a bit naff, but you know what I meansmile still holding your hand.

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 13:56:17

R&B - please step away from FB, it really won't help with your healing. I only looked up OW twice weeks ago and it nearly destroyed me. It's natural to look him/her up but please try and move on from FB at least.

The site I am checking is all because of the need to gather information for my future in terms of finances. It set me back but I need to know what he's buying as I know he'll lie in mediation.

Your vivid dreams could be increased by the ADs you're on, it can be a side effect and if he's on your mind before you sleep then it's bound to come out in your dreams.

Have you read Paul McKenna's, 'I can mend your broken heart'? There is also a CD in there that you can listen to before sleeping to help change your frame of mind. Just turn it off before the end because they count you out of your relaxation state and then you'll feel wide awake.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 23-Nov-13 14:45:29

R&b I have a copy of I can mind your broken heart that I would be delighted to send you if you message me with your address

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 14:59:40

Thanks cakehappy , yes all all of the above. It's just not going away. I want it back how it was. Yes, pathetic and weak. I guess deep down I don't want up move on.

BOOP yes please, ANYTHING. God I feel like shit.

Ok, thanks

BitOutOfPractice Sat 23-Nov-13 15:49:56

I don't know if it's any good because I never opened it! Friend bought it for me but I could never face reading it. I didn't want my heart mended. I just wanted him back!

Message me with your address. I promise I'm not an axe murderer!

cjel Sat 23-Nov-13 15:56:53

Don't beat yourself up, You are non of those negative things you perceived yourself to be. What you are is a very sad woman who loves her ex and wants to feel the things you used to feel when you were with him. You would be heartless and cold if you weren't feeling crap about it.smile

I was lucky because 'they' aren't on FB (Yes I did looksad) but I understand that weird feeling of still wanting to be part of his life. There is a huge 'ex' shaped hole isn't there?

I hate to say this but it really does take time and you are so near to it still that it will be painful, but you aren't stupid and week.

That book sounds good, I always try and read affirming things in bed at night and again to get me up in the morning -they really help me.

What you got planned for the rest of the day?x

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:03:58

I haven't read the book yet but I know it does come highly recommended, by people on MN too. The CD is very good though and If you believe it will help you relax then it will help with your state of mind.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 19:15:07

I've just sobbed most of the day. Shopping, in the car and now crying into my dinner. It's madness. I don't seem to have any control. It's controlling me.

And yes, I am a very sad woman and I do still love him. It's a huge loss, lots of reminders today when out shopping today. I went to the big shopping mall where we first met for coffee - 4 yrs ago on Monday. 4 years. I still don't understand

TheNewSchmoo Sat 23-Nov-13 19:45:43

I'm with you R&B. Feel utterly shit today. Have cried under a duvet all day,just want the pain to stop.

I know it needs time time and more time but I just want to wake up one day and he not fill my every waking thought. And yes I am feeling utterly sorry for myself. I want to kick myself up the arse.

Hope you're doing ok tonight thanks

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 19:56:27

schmoo you poor thing. The pain is just relentless, I hope you are out from under the duvet and maybe eaten something.

My mother has FINALLY gone back to her house for a couple of days so I can sit on my own sofa , with blanket and cry as loudly as I choose. What would our ex's say if they could see the extent of the damage? Hope you're ok?

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 19:57:26

I even went into a shop and sprayed his aftershave on me. So comforting and upsetting at the same time.

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 20:10:43

How many weeks have you been on the ADs? I do think it's them that are helping me, and my realisation that my DS will always need me and I need to show him that I am getting stronger. My friend was on the same ADs after her lovely DH passed away from cancer and she told me they really, really helped her get up and function.

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days and after 11 years of total loving happiness and plans, I know that's natural.

Please try not to torture yourself by looking at FB and spraying his aftershave. My H left his aftershave here and I smelt it - once. I am surrounded by our memories, we bought everything together, were so close and as you know, I still have most of his clothes and belongings here. I have no choice but to be strong. They are not suffering, it's you. You do need to look after yourself.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 21:33:25

Thanks what. It's almost 3 weeks on the a/d's. the side effects have lessoned but Having quite vivid dreams - Didnt know that could be a side effect til you mentioned it.

Massively set back today - Dont know why. So much crying my eyes are sore. How has your day been? Did you clean and get much done? How on earth do you manage with your h's things around you? I got rid of almost all his things ASAP. Sick of crying. Sick of complaining. Sick of NC.

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 21:52:05

It was one of the reasons why I was cared to start ADs as I suffer from terrifying nightmares as a result of things that have happened in the past but luckily I haven't experienced any side effects.

3 weeks is no time at all. I remember my DM telling me that in a few weeks I won't be able to cry - she was right. It took me about 6 weeks to feel any benefit. You'll get there too.

Can you focus on one thing a day for yourself?

Didn't get much done but that's okay. I did go to the shops, do it in small bursts so I can cope. Spent time looking at clothes and bought myself a diary for next year so I can put my plans in.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 22:05:47

You're a bloody inspiration. I guess I am a 'looking back' depressive type. I looked at presents and stuff in shops that I would love to buy for him. I even bought nice new underwear to replace what i returned to him. but he wont see it. The bra fitting woman commented on being thin (what is it with people?). I have so much to do and he seems to dominate my thoughts - awake and asleep. It's utter madness. I miss him so much. It would be better if he was dead - I admit I am on hold, just waiting for him. WTF? I find it unbelievably difficult to comprehend that he's not thinking of / concerned about me . We didn't fall
Out, end badly, didn't fight, nothing.

cjel Sat 23-Nov-13 23:41:11

Evening Ladies. I'm sorry to hear that today has been bad,It is one less bad day you will have to have. Please be reassured that after just a few weeks it is very normal to ache with pain and exhaustion from crying ( how can eyelids sting so much?) I didn't wash his pillow case so I could smell himsad at your stage I was just starting not to buy stuff he used to eat 'in case he popped in' .just trying to not text him with excuses for us to get together or text things I 'just had to' chat about.
Everytime the door or phone went, every time an email came I used to hope it was him, I used to mentally plan our new life together and even cut the grass in case!!!

I hope you manage to get some peaceful sleep tonightxx

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 23:49:56

cjel not just me then? Phew. I'm still NC. Since late sept. it's awful. Ok, I'm off to bed now. WARNING - No drinking tonight and driving tomorrow morning (in the north west) as I am on a traffic duty first thing! I should take up a more normal pastime like crochet

Night and thanks to you all for being understanding, yet again

cjel Sat 23-Nov-13 23:55:42

NO definitely not just yousmile. Hope you get peaceful sleepxx

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 23:57:56

You too hun x

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 00:53:54

I even wore his pants! Beat that!! grin

Night x

cjel Sun 24-Nov-13 11:31:20

Not sure I want to beat thatgrin!!x

redundantandbitter Sun 24-Nov-13 13:39:59

Oh boop totally Understand the pants thing.. I gave them back to him or I probably would have done the same.

Back home and defrosting. Freezing out there on the streets - and I'm wearing tights under my trousers and a thermal vest! V attractive - can't imagine why he left me

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 13:43:13

I've still got some of his pants. They are comfy to wear in bed when I'm on. See, I've relegated his designer undies to period pants. Somehow that seems appropriate grin

Putitonthelist Sun 24-Nov-13 13:47:02

So sorry you're feeling so bad R&B. It's just shit, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better. I don't think this time of year helps - miserable weather and all the bloody Christmas adverts.... I've had a busy weekend so barely thought about my horrible encounter with him on Thursday, think my ONS has helped too, although I'm not encourging you to do that!! smile

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 13:57:51

put i had some very distracting mindless sex about 6 months into the process. I found it very useful!

Putitonthelist Sun 24-Nov-13 14:02:44

I would definitely recommend it BOOP smile although it's taken me 9 months to sleep with someone else - it was just the tonic I needed - especially as he was better then my ex!!!!

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 14:49:59

Ha! grin Good for you put!

I had a very enjoyable but futureless fling with a neighbour! Oh we had some fun! Just what I needed!

redundantandbitter Sun 24-Nov-13 17:01:44

Get you two!!! How brave are you???

My gorgeous EXP was EXCELLENT in bed. There won't be anyone like that. So many firsts and lots of fun, laughs and trust. I loved sex with him. Had to get to 39 yrs before I realised I just hasn't discovered chemistry - then I met him . Oh, so THIS is what is all about. Better than in the films. We were so proud of our love life. Confused.com

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 15:01:01

Once again r&b I hear you! I had mind blowing sex with ex. Opened up soooooo many new experiences to me. He was so open and honest about sex possibly because he was foreign We had a blast. Including just a few hours before I found out about his deceit.

But do you know what? It's possible to have great sex with other people. I've had quite a bit of it this last 18 months shock and now that I have a bf I can assure you that it can be --even better- just as good. Don't despair! You will have great sex again!

Sorry not posted your book. Been a bit frantic. But it's on my list.

How are you (and my fellow regulars) today?

cjel Tue 26-Nov-13 15:09:36

We had 3 months of the best 'leaving sex' ever between the time I found out about OW and moving out!!!! Apparently she wasn't very pleased when he told hersmile

I'm two years on and haven't even seen any one else let alone had sex, but I am quite happy that its right for me!!!!

Putitonthelist Tue 26-Nov-13 15:18:47

Hi all,

OK, I have to be honest and say sex with my ex wasn't mindblowing. He was an amazing kisser, very tactile and affectionate and foreplay was always fab but the actual act erm wasn't. I think that's why my fab ONS has been such a step forward for me.

R&B it's such early days for you to even be thinking about having sex with anyone else but it will happen.

BOOP and cjel - how interesting that you should both have the most amazing sex as they were planning to leave. I can't even get my head around that!!

I've just been asked out by a very gorgeous and very much younger guy (who is known to me) - just debating what to do????

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 16:12:15

put my ex wasn't planning on leaving. He wasn't planning on me finding out about the ow. He was planning on continuing to have his cake and eat it!

Putitonthelist Tue 26-Nov-13 16:16:05

Bloody hell BOOP sorry x I'm sorry that I don't know you story. How did you find out? Is he still with the OW?

cjel Tue 26-Nov-13 16:16:46

Mine was still wanting both of us as well, but I had to wait until the new house I was renting was ready, it helped me through a rough time so I thought why notsmile

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 16:22:56

She liked a comment I'd made on his FB wall. After 5 months of him trampling my heart, lying and minimising, I decided to do more digging and finally found out the full truth about her and him. And lots of other shocking stuff that I won't detail here as it will out me. I confronted him with the evidence the next day. He denied. I haven't laid eyes on him since and have no idea if he's even still in the country any more.

Amazing. It feels like I'm writing about someone else, not the man I adored.

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 16:36:41

Oh put , I know what you mean - you can't quite believe that the person you're talking about is the man you adored. But actions speak louder than words and all that...

My ex still managed to shag me in the kitchen after a week of 'sorry I've met someone else' . I kissed him and we still had the same attraction and one thing led to another. I wish it hadn't tbh. Feel a bit shit. He would have had both of us but don't think he wanted to treat HER badly. Obviously I don't matter. Guess that's why I have kept out of his way.

It was our 4 year anniversary yesterday sad

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 16:44:00

Oh r&b hmm yesterday must've been tough xx

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 17:22:11

Yes

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 20:50:38

Today is my lying piece of shit's birthday, makes me angry with myself wondering how he is spending it, this time last year we were so happy, the only hope is this time next year I will be happy. I so want contact with him , so many things remind me of him, sad to say I would give anything just to be how we were but then realise he wouldn't give a dam, how could I have judged someone so wrong, makes me question my ability to know anyone.

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 21:00:19

Honey - I know! I feel exactly the same - it was his birthday on 2nd. Getting through that day was a challenge . DON'T contact him, distract distract. Have you got someone with you - or someone you can call for a chat / moan?

Post on here !!!

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 21:20:13

Being on MN has probably saved me when I read about others people's life's. I just want a way out of here :-( we DESERVE better they don't deserve us R & B

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 21:29:39

I was so looking forward to our future together. Wedding planned in my head ... He'd even talked about what he'd like as the first song.. What he was wearing...

I was just an easy doormat . He loved me. But not much, not as much as I loved him back.

They don't deserve us. But it would nice if I could turn back the clock, I would turn yours back too. I would take more photos. I only have one of us together. sad

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 21:43:37

I have great friends who I can chat and moan to, but feel that they have moved on from him (wish I could!)they helped a lot in the early days of me breaking my heart down the phone etc
Yep we, especially him, planned where we would get married, live , I just loved him so much just went along with what he wanted. That's why I can't get my head around him not choosing to be with me. Have made a pact with myself, just keep going and get this year out of the way and start afresh next year, easier said than done but that is my plan. Funnily enough we don't have that many pictures of "us", thought we had the rest of our lives to take them :-(

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 21:49:46

I don't know what to say, you poor thing. Big hugs for all you broken hearted beautiful women out there.

Same here, friends have moved on and have their lives etc. bless them, they're good but busy.

I am still seeing my Relate counsellor and that's the place I can cry and Whinge . Are you seeing someone you can talk to? How long were you together for?

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 21:57:33

No, no relate just friends and on here.
18 months this time but met him over 20 years the first time, left my husband for him as he promised me the earth, chased me and convinced me we were meant to be together and all that crap, we even lived together for 2 months in Montreal but he couldn't quite cut ties with his wife!

cjel Tue 26-Nov-13 22:06:42

R&B you say you think he didn't want to treat her badly, mine actually said outloud when first discussing whether or not we would stay together that he didn't see why she had to be hurt in all of it!!!! He had no concept that me, dcs, dgcs, parents , friends ec. etc. were being hurt if he chose not to hurt her!!!!

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 22:07:42

Oh shit.

Sounds v similar. I knew my ex at college 25 yrs ago... I was the one, the unrequited love. Blah blah blah.

My partner moved out. That's shitty for him, but he only went once he'd got a work colleague to move in with - they're married now !

He chased me for ages. I never doubted our future. Dopey bloody cow. Sent him a letter today . It needed to be done. For nothing left to lose anyway so might as well get it off my chest.

Where is your ex now?

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 22:16:37

Ex husband or ex twunt??
Twunt in Canada all cosy with wifey I am guessing, NC from either, she has my contact details which I gave her when I told her about us, can only guess he has brain washed her with even more lies. I actually feel quite sorry for her as now everytime he steps out of the house she will be wondering what he is up to.

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 22:17:28

What made you sent a letter today?

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 22:24:08

So you moved to C and then he CHANGED HIS MIND? WTF ?

Anniversary, I guess , made me send it. Had been drafting it for a while. Now it's gone.

suchatwat Tue 26-Nov-13 22:27:43

Basically yes, I always thought he was an alpha male but reality was he was a cowardly lying piece of shit, so not the man I thought he was.
What did say to him in the letter, if you don'tmind revealing?

cjel Tue 26-Nov-13 22:50:34

RandB - do you feel you've done the right thing still by sending the letter?

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 23:26:39

Too late cjel it's gone in t'post.

It was a plain, straightforward character assassination. Yeah, dead obvious I know, blah blah you're not the person you think you are, blah blah, setting a bad example/embarrassing dad .. Blah blah never be happy ...addicted to the exciting adrenaline highs of new interesting girl friends (I'm bloody interesting by the way!)..blah blah. Typed it up. Cold and probably made me look deranged but who gives a flying f..k

Putitonthelist Wed 27-Nov-13 08:00:12

((hugs)) R&B. You've done what feels right for you and that's the main thing. I wrote a very similar letter to him fully intending to send it. I got to the point where I thought I'll send it next week and next week never came. Hey you were with this guy for 4 years, you have every right to offload on him.

I guess it makes no difference if you're the most interesting/funny/beautiful woman that ever walked the earth, if they're going to cheat then they're going to cheat. My friends were actually shocked when they met my ex, they all thought I was far too good for him - I was infatuated, I didn't listen, I didn't want to hear it. Now I know he is one flawed and f**ked up individual, I just wish I'd seen the real him earlier.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 08:17:43

Oh heck R&B. You sent it! You know he won't contact you don't you hmm

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 08:18:22

Sorry that sounded harsh. I hope you're ok x

cjel Wed 27-Nov-13 09:10:26

Morning, As long as the itch has gone and you don't feel the need to scratch it again!! Then we will sit on you so you can't get to the post boxsmile

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 10:40:55

Yeah. It's totally fine! All done and dusted. Box closed.

boop I don't want him to contact me. I just needed a chance to get some stuff off my chest rant

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 11:04:20

I hope it makes you feel better long term hon

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 11:26:41

I feel surprisingly calm. Think the meds are finally kicking in.

Missing some male company though ... Think
I Must be ovulating ..ha ha TMI?

suchatwat Wed 27-Nov-13 19:17:33

What's that old saying?? to get over one man, get under another Lol :-)

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 20:58:15

Nooooooooo totally OFF men.

How are you such?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 21:10:19

Oh that won't last forever R&B. You'll have an itch that needs scratching at some point wink

Look out for an envelope at the address you gave me

cjel Wed 27-Nov-13 21:12:28

BOOP, lasted over two years here and not yet met anyone I want to scratch megrin

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 21:22:10

Oh you sweetheart BOOP , v kind.

I hear what you say, but I am still so very much in love with my police man. He is the one BIG love of my life.

Anyway I work in two lots of mostly male environments and NEVER has anyone expressed an interest (apart from
A weird postman colleague that started sexting me last year!). People are smiley and friendly ... But nothing, I mean
Zilch. It's not like I have 2 heads or anything. (Could be the unflattering uniforms). So there's no danger of another man.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 21:25:49

I'm not saying it'll be tomorrow or next year or whenever. But it'll happen.

I hear you about the love of your life thing. I HEAR you (have you read my PMs?!?!) but if there's one certain thing in life it's that nothing ever stays the same

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 21:26:58

And no two loves are the same either. Some loves are wild and woolly. Some are quiet and sweet. Both just as valid.

cjel Wed 27-Nov-13 21:27:42

I'll be pleased when it does!! Just not actively seeking - maybe its because 35 of being attached I'm enjoying finding me!!smile

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 21:36:08

Well that is a very good thing to be doing cjel grin

I have learned in the last 16 months that I do not need a man to be happy. I have had some marvellous adventures (literally danced in a hurricane) and experienced real highs and lows. IT most certainly is a learning curve when you have your heart broken

cjel Wed 27-Nov-13 21:37:28

strange how it can be the best and worst time isn't it?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Nov-13 21:43:20

It is. I think it's because all of your emotions are just so raw. You feel everything accutely - whether good or bad

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 21:55:18

Don't! It's just bad.

Just getting more accustomed to sticking him in a dark corner of my mind. Oh now, I am crying again . The thought of him pushing me into a dark corner and not thinking of me. Poo poo poo POO

suchatwat Thu 28-Nov-13 05:40:43

Hii R & B wide awake at 5.30 :-/ thought I was getting better then listened to an old mowtown song late last night on YouTube, then the tears started and I realized I was far from it :-/
I really hope we can all look back at this time next year and think WTF I was thinking about letting that poor excuse for a man making me feel like that. MUCH easier said than done I know, but gotta make a start eh.
Hope you have a better day today, am going to try and grab an hour's sleep before the alarm goes off !!

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 11:36:01

Hey such you must be Knackered. Hope you get through the day. I don't listen to ANY music. It's crappy but we met 4 years ago and Xmas is too full of songs for me to risk the radio. It's radio 4 or nowt! Step away from YouTube

Putitonthelist Thu 28-Nov-13 12:02:35

Funny you should mention songs. I've just danced around the kitchen to a CD that I couldn't have handled listening to even a few weeks ago. I've reclaimed it!! I never thought I could listen to those songs again. It's taken over 9 months. There is one song that I still can't bear to play which annoys me as it was always MY song and he made it OURS - he's stolen it from me. I've tried to play it, tried to watch the video on Youtube but I just can't sad

Justwakingup Thu 28-Nov-13 15:09:10

Hi, I hope that you dont mind me joining in your thread, but reading it over the last few weeks has helped me so much.

My story is similar, or maybe not, I wont go into detail but I had an affair with a MM for 18 months, he promised me the world and then he dumped me for someone else (not his wife) my world was turned upside down and I have really struggled to cope with life in general for months.

I still think about him all the time and the jealousy, at times, I think is going to kill me. I have good days and bad ones.

I hate that anyone else feels the same way as I do, but in a way it is strangely comforting to know that others know how I feel. I know my situation is different, he was never mine, but the pain is still the same...

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 16:08:19

Oh just come on in, sit down, take a tissue. It's good to have you. X

Putitonthelist Thu 28-Nov-13 16:13:05

Come on in just We're all at different stages here, how long is it since your relationship ended?

Hope everyone is ok today x

BitOutOfPractice Thu 28-Nov-13 16:22:23

Hello just and welcome to heartbreak hotel grin

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 16:27:47

We know exactly how you feel, you poor love. Unfortunately know the pain, heartache, betrayal , despair and helplessness. I dont lnow why we've all been treated so badly. Everyone here is LOVELY!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 28-Nov-13 17:42:32

Sorry that was a lame attempt at humour. Sorry you've been through this too. It hurts like hell xx

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 18:07:30

Listen to Boop, she's the sensible one.

We're all battered and scarred but still alive...

Putitonthelist Thu 28-Nov-13 18:37:44

We need to sort a get together in the New Year!!

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 18:46:00

Yey! put we could catch up before then x

Putitonthelist Thu 28-Nov-13 18:54:23

Yes - just let me know when suits you - EXH has children every other weekend and one night in the week x

suchatwat Thu 28-Nov-13 19:25:08

Evening all
R & B my eyes tonight are sooooo tired, think I will b asleep before my head touches the pillow!
Hi just, welcome to this club that none of us ever expected us to be in ourselves in, but like u said we do gain comfort from,I certainly do
A New Year gathering sounds great, where are you all based? I am in the Midlands.
It's hard to believe that there is a band of men out there who makes such heartfelt promises and deliver nothing, that's what I can't get my head around.

suchatwat Thu 28-Nov-13 19:27:54

On a lighter note, lets make a song list that we can listen to without lumps in our throats <quickly typing YouTube in browser>

BitOutOfPractice Thu 28-Nov-13 20:30:35

Sensible? Sensible? I take exception to that!!!

I'm actually a bit hysterical. Good friend of mine was buried today. Had a few too many sherbets.

I must admit that, despite the sad circs of us meeting here, it's rather my favourite spot on mn!

New year meet sounds great! I'm darn sarf but am from the midlands and am up there often

BitOutOfPractice Thu 28-Nov-13 20:36:43

As for songs, go to YouTube and search for Gossip and Move In The Right Direction. It's the I Will Survive for the modern age and I defy anyone not to be uplifted! It was released the week of my breakup last year and I still have it as my ringtone

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 21:47:01

Not ignoring you all... Out with my volunteer pals for Xmas drinks x

suchatwat Thu 28-Nov-13 21:47:48

Slightly air guitarist _ Daugherty , over you , :-) a bit of eye candy to boot lol

suchatwat Thu 28-Nov-13 21:49:22

Good for u girl, enjoy the night x

redundantandbitter Thu 28-Nov-13 23:31:49

Hi boop sorry to hear about your day. I take it back.., you're not remotely sensible. Better?

On my way home.. Sober but good to be out.

Justwakingup Fri 29-Nov-13 15:54:44

Internet went down last night so I couldnt get on.

Thank you for the welcome :-D

Its been almost 3 months. I am better than I was but the pain is still there and its very raw, as you all know ! want to hate him but I cant, want to stop loving him but I cant ! x

BitOutOfPractice Fri 29-Nov-13 16:18:55

Oh just. It's tough isn't it when your heart hasn't quite caught up with your head hmm

I've had a cry today as well. I'm over tired and it's been an emotional week. Sometimes it still catches me unawares

Justwakingup Fri 29-Nov-13 17:32:05

I have got my crying down to once a day :-)

Sorry you have had a tough week :-( hope you have something nice planned for the weekend :-)

cjel Fri 29-Nov-13 23:16:12

R&B How are you?x

redundantandbitter Sat 30-Nov-13 13:47:59

Hi boop are you feeling any better today hun? Chin up chuck . You've had an emotional week by the sounds of things.

just - same time scale as me. Still fed up, rejected, sad, confused and lonely. The days go on Dont they? What are you doing today?

cjel - think the meds are kicking in. Feel so much more positive - though part of me is determined to continue wallowing and looking back - most of me is plodding forwards. Today I miss him, miss a pair of strong arms around me, miss the adoration and his smell. I've even bought new underwear that no one will see sad

BitOutOfPractice Sun 01-Dec-13 13:05:07

Hello lovely ladies. I am much better thank you. Had a top night out with a friend on Friday, dancing and drinking

Then I've had another friend to visit last night. What would we do without our friends eh? I've just been talking to my friend about my wanker ex and how what he did to me continues to affect my new relationship. She's made some useful insights. My new BF is soooooo different from ex it's untrue. I need to remember that

R&B you see I think you are doing better than you think. Out with freinds, new underwear, improved positivity. You are so very hard on yourself but I think you're doing great xx

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 14:51:08

Cheers hun. Feeling so much better. Am
Baking cookies with the DDs this aft and making Xmas decorations. Should have taken these meds YEARS ago. Yes, one down side is its quashed my sexual desires, but wasn't having any if it with DDs dad anyway . Live and learn.

Anyway - I'm up for a meet in the new year. I went to university in Coventry and best mate still there. Any takers - cjel, put, such, fucked, just .. we could try and guess who each other is. Ok, that might sound better typed than in RL

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 14:52:03

Wel jel of your top dancing night!

BitOutOfPractice Sun 01-Dec-13 15:38:07

Midlands would be grat for me.

Putitonthelist Sun 01-Dec-13 15:45:23

Hi all.

So pleased you're feeling much better R&B

I'm all at sea at the mo. Got asked out for a drink by a very good friends relative last week. He is much younger than me. Agreed to a drink but have invited round to mine on Thursday night - I think I would be embarrassed to be mistaken for his Mum if we went out! Still no regrets about my ONS - I just seem to be craving male company and sex at the moment. What am I doing??

Definitely up for meeting - let's try and sort a date. Never been to Coventry - well not the place anyway!!

suchatwat Sun 01-Dec-13 16:02:37

Coventry is cool for me also, will be coming from Leicester
Just spent the weekend in London with a very good friend, plenty of drinks, laughter and attention ! - Light at end of tunnel maybe, she knew my ex and was giving very sound opinions of his behaviour. Like mentioned previously where would be be without our very wonderful friends.
In a very " all will be ok" mood, maybe still have far too much wine in my system !

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 20:20:31

Hi, wasn't suggesting Coventry as such, just mentioning I could stay there overnight. Happy to meet anywhere. Be summat jolly to look forward to in the new year take my mind off tax return

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 20:22:30

put so this chap is coming to your house on Thursday...... The plot thickens,...

suchatwat Sun 01-Dec-13 21:47:27

Is Birmingham a good central spot to meet ??

Putitonthelist Mon 02-Dec-13 19:28:04

R&B - I'm having 2nd thoughts about it now. In the last 12 mnths my marriage has ended, my heart has been broken and I've had my first ever ONS. I feel like I'm in a soap opera!!! I said I would message him after the weekend with time, etc. Now I'm not sure what to do???? Help!!!

Brum would be good smile

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 19:58:35

Does he have to come to your house? Can't you meet in a bar - then you can a) back out or b) just have a drink and leave early - type-thing. Coming to the house is a bit loaded no? If you def don't want to see then just text him
With a sorry, just not up to it. How you feeling now?

Putitonthelist Mon 02-Dec-13 20:16:43

That's the thing R&B, if I'm honest I do only want one thing from him. What the hell is wrong with me? Up until my ONS I'd only slept with 2 men in over 20 years. I don't want to meet in a bar because he is so much younger than me and I'd feel embarrassed if we bumped into someone I knew. I know I'm not ready for a relationship and a FWB is probably what I do want at the mo. I feel like a brazen hussy!!!

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 20:23:34

Well, if you think you both want the same thing -FWB - then go with it. How well do you know him? If he's a lot younger than you, is he going to be 'mature' enough for you... Or is that not why you're interested in him ? (Sorry!)

Same here - 2 men in 20 years .

Putitonthelist Mon 02-Dec-13 20:28:03

Know him fairly well. He's related to a very good friend of mine. Don't apologise - I'm not interested how mature he is blush only that he's very attractive and he seems to like me!!! A gang of us went out last Sat night, we get on well, we laugh and share some interests. I had no idea that he liked me until he sent me a message the next day. My friend doesn't know btw, she wouldn't be impressed, that's another reason I'm getting cold feet......

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 20:32:56

I wouldn't ask me for advice .., I have a shit track record and a non existent b'shit radar . I would drop down dead if anyone EVER approached me .

Draw up a list. Sounds like you may have more cons than pros

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 22:38:25

Reached a decision put?

I have posted on the mental health section but no one answered (!) so asking you guys ...

Ok, so fairly sure my meds have kicked in this week . Feeling more energetic, positive, less needy, getting jobs done and being all jolly and relaxed with the DDs. BUT .. I want to eat and eat ...and I'm spending like an
Idiot. Bought underwear last week, went back on website and bought a lacy babydoll thing- WTF? Never owned one of those before , don't been have a lover! Even spent a big sum of cash buying shares in a local co- op and put them
In EXP's name (he'll love it - though not when he realises its from Me). See I'm rambling now.

Ok, so spending is mostly sale stuff and Ebay . Not sure if this is the 'normal' me or is this the tablets making me a bit manic! Think I might give it a couple of days and call GP. Confused.com

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Dec-13 22:45:32

Tbh r&b that sounds like me normally blush

I don't know about ADs and how you feel / what you should be doing on them but I very much liked the first part about cheerfulness and relaxed and shit!

As for a FWB there's only one things to do. Lose the shame and enjoy. Ok that's two things.

I'm a bit pissed. Been out with a delicious friend in London for dinner and wine and more wine. I've sneaked onto a train to the BF's instead of home....

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 22:51:55

Oh boop how marvellous! I hope your BF appreciates you turning up all tipsy ..hmmm thinking how lovely some rampant sex would be right now. I remember exp holding my hair and kissing me passionately...god I loved that...

Ok, focus... See, I'm going round the bed. Thanks for your response, sorry for the ramble... You take care getting to BFs safely !

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Dec-13 22:55:38

I've just caved and told him I'm on my way and now he wants to meet me at the station <guilt>. He's lovely. So totally unlike my ex in every way and I am starting to realise that that is just what I need and want

redundantandbitter Mon 02-Dec-13 23:11:50

He's a love! Of course he wants to meet you at the station.. He lurves you grin

Sorry, slap me. Enjoy your lovely man, you deserve a properly nice bloke

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Dec-13 23:32:24

I'm worrying myself sick that I don't feel like I felt about the ex. It's taking a stupidly long time to get through my thick skull that that might be a good thing. That he's not the ex. And that that's a good thing. Gah. I hate how that wanker screwed up my perception of the world and that I worry that I'm doomed to measure every man against him. When in fact he only came up short in the end. <over analyses>

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Dec-13 23:33:00

And thank you r&b. This thread helps more people than just you xxxx

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 08:32:33

Aw hun, you big love . Hope you're not too hungover today

Putitonthelist Tue 03-Dec-13 09:00:47

Hi. Sorry for disappearing last night.

Yes R&B the meds have defo kicked in. I'd actually forgotten about my increase in appetitie!! But yes that happened to me too. Could you have bought the new underwear because you find it difficult to wear the sexy underwear that you wore for/with DP? I bought loads of gorgeous new underwear while I was with him and I was only able to wear it again recently. Plus buying new stuff makes you feel good, nowt wrong with that.

BOOP - you new man sounds lovely. I think what you're feeling is total normal. It sounds pathetic but my ONS and FWB are the same build/height as my ex. I never had a type but after him I do look at other men and think I want this/I don't want that. How was your night?

Well I've bitten the bullet and sent a message and he's coming round on Thurs. I'm off work that day so can pretty myself up - not for him for me!!!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 09:17:26

Oh put good for you! grin

I'm fine this morning. Bf was very pleased to see me wink

He is so far removed physically from ex it's untrue. 10 inches difference in height. Different hair colour. Nationality. Everything is different. But more importantly he's a different person. And I am realising that I need to recognise that and welcome that. Not look for a replacement for the wanker ex.

I'm feeling the love for this thread again.

How are you today R&B?

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 09:27:15

Hi all you lovely people . Feeling the love today. On a course today - assertiveness blah blah etc, nice bunch of ladies (it's for wimin!) . They've all bought food, table laden with mince pies and butties. Bless them.

boop you seem to be in the place where I want to be. Over and with someone completely different. I am in awe!

put I just want exp back. And while I feel that way I can't entertain the thought of another man. I would always be thinking of him. Hey ho.

Putitonthelist Tue 03-Dec-13 11:37:41

Of course you can't R&B it's still early days. The last time I slept with my ex was 11th Feb, it's nearly 10 months ago. It was the last and best time. 2 days later it was all over. Happy F**King Valentines!! I can't believe where I am now - I know I keep saying it but you will get there x

BOOP - you sound in a good place. Meeting someone else and knowiing someone else fancies/likes you is a fantastic tonic.

I've just been out to buy some condoms and a whole load of other stuff that I didn't need and now I just need to decide what to wear!!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 13:17:51

Something easy to take off Put!

R&B you will get there. I still get dark moments (I have an anniversary coming up in a few days and I'm dreading it!) and I'd be a liar if I said I don't think about him every day. Because I do. But time gives you perspective and makes the pain fade a lot. I spent 5 months last year crying for him and truly believing he was the only man I'd ever love. Even after the scales fell from my eyes in January, I would still have had him back in a heartbeat. But now the glasses I look at him through are distinctly less rosy. And I try and do something positive each day to remind myself how far I've come.

You will come through this. You will. We believe in you xx

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 19:37:56

Last sex - 20th sept sad

No ignoring you- off out on duty with 2 handsome young men in uniform time to be serious

So.. Any gossip? This threads gone a bit quiet. Waiting for puts date tomorrow!

Putitonthelist Tue 03-Dec-13 20:17:52

Well girls I've been getting some very steamy messages today!!! Will be ripping his clothes off the minute he steps through the front door on Thurs!!

Just found out my STBXH is dating a friend. She is lovely. Pleased for them. He's told me it's very early days and nothing serious but I couldn't wish for a better person to be around my children (when and if the time comes) so am hugely relieved.

How are you feeling about Christmas R&B? Made many plans?

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 20:33:34

Never mind my dull Xmas... I want to hear more about these text messags..

Reminds me of the days when we didn't get past the hall...

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 20:39:12

Oooo Put! Yes do tell more so us pervs lovely ladies can live vicariously advise you

Putitonthelist Tue 03-Dec-13 20:45:34

Haha - well let's just say I don't think we'll be watching a film!!! The house is all pretty with fairy lights and candles so I can dim the lights for a more flattering look Thank god I'm off work on Thurs - I have all day to buff, polish and secure all the exit points!!

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 21:11:23

Lol at buffing.. "My put how smooth your upper arms are"

First time exp came to my house - 4th meeting - Xmas tree and lights , house the TIDIEST it's ever been, he brought champagbe, had bonkers sex on the white rug in front of the stove. Bloody lovely.

So... No film? Just a quiet coffee then ..maybe a small sherry ?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 21:21:14

Yes, perhaps a skooner

Put it's not the exit points you need to worry about, it's the entry points

Putitonthelist Tue 03-Dec-13 21:29:59

BOOP!!! grin

Have champers, white/red wine, vodka, stella - so just a normal day!!! Actually I don't drink at all in the week but will defo have a white wine spritzer before he comes round. Recently re-decorated my bedroom, sanded floor boards and bought a new big cast iron bed - so bedroom is looking good if we get that far

Told two of my RL close friends - one said Nooooooooooo!!! The other one said 'Hell, yes!!!!' I'm going with the other one smile

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 21:36:39

WE all say "Hell yes" here But and let's face it, our opinion is so much more important than RL friends who have known you for years!

Your bedroom sounds gorgeous. I want a wrought iron headboard affair as well. Just bought a new lifty uppy bed <technical term> to keep all my shoes in

I must tell you all one day about a crazy adventure I had in Bruges earlier this year. But I'll need a name change few drinks frirst

redundantandbitter Tue 03-Dec-13 22:13:14

put your bedroom is MY bedroom. Though make sure your head end rods are stronger than mine one still bent and never recovered

Good for tying up though shock

We never made it upstairs had to wash rug

Am crossing out more than I am leaving in!

Now if you don't mind I have to rid the streets of crime silly drunken men

Am in your area put. BEHAVE

BitOutOfPractice Tue 03-Dec-13 22:15:34

Are you a superhero R&B?

redundantandbitter Wed 04-Dec-13 00:10:51

Yep. Wonder Woman! (I wonder why he did this , that , the other) ....

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Dec-13 01:03:10

Ha!

You've clocked up over 500 posts on this thread btw

redundantandbitter Wed 04-Dec-13 13:46:58

500! And how many of them are me typing 'oh but I still
Love him, how could he do that to me?'

Silly old tart! These drugs are great! Yes I still have a huge bucket load of pain and hurt and 'why's but it doesnt seem to hurt to the extent that I cry and can't function . But I have arranged a phone consultation with the GP just in case I'm feeling TOO good.

Hope your day is going well... I am hoovering my picture rails!

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Dec-13 14:06:06

Bloody hell if they make you do stuff like hoovering picture rails, I might get me some!!

I'm working. It's beyond dull. Me and my assistant are having a laugh though. And I had coffee with my birthday friend.

We overslept this morning again Woke up at 7:40. Need to be out at 8!! TBH it wasn't too bad an we were out bang on time!

redundantandbitter Wed 04-Dec-13 16:57:37

Well done on getting out of the house in 20 mins! Whoop

GP reduced my dose to half - he asked me if I'd become more sexually uninhibited. Mentioned bi polar. Not hugely impressed. Hey ho

You want to share my dosage to help with your picture rails? Lol -JOKING!

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Dec-13 17:01:30

TBH R&B I think it woulld take more than that!! fwink

redundantandbitter Wed 04-Dec-13 17:47:36

I'll bob round and do them for you!

My thread on mental health has been deleted by MNHQ. shock.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 04-Dec-13 17:49:38

Why?!

Did your parcel arrive btw?