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lack of sex and fed up he's never made me orgasm

(82 Posts)
namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 14:45:48

Im a long time poster. New name change for this.

Im going to be sketchy with details as I know DP occasionally looks at MN.

Im in my mid 20s ahem maybe a little older DP is a few years older.

We have some children, young (pre school age)

Been togther less than a decade and not married.

Im fed the fuck up with the shit shit sex.

He has NEVER given me an orgasm. Every time we have sex its the same script as it were, however I may try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale.
its like fucking a virgin every time, Ive tried telling him what turns me on - what feels good, Ive moved his hands, fingers etc ive bloody shown him what works but he has the attention span of a nano second and as soon as I make one moan of pleasure he stops what hes doing(talking about foreplay) and tries to ram his member in me.

I had a 3rd degree tear - i dont particullarly like being shagged this way, it hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped. hes clumsy with me and fumbles around blindly.

He greatly receives oral sex often, 2/3 times a week but hardly ever returns the "pleasure" maybe once every 2 months? even then he bassically just acts like hes licking ice cream from the bottle of a bowl and stops after about 30 seconds and then moves onto penetration. Theres no rythym no passion hes just rough and uncoordinated.

Ive stopped being tollerent, ive stopped caring, ive started to get angry and bitter towards him and i resent his pleasure. Which has resulted in me bassically causing an argument during sex (which i initiate) and me sleeping else where and there being no happy ending for either of us.

Tell me oh wise ones. What do i do?

Apart from sex we get on fantastically, we laugh we have fun hes a fab dad & works hard and I love him very much but at the moment Id rather not bother having sex, then im accutely aware then we are just like two friends living together.

Im not prepared to be celebate. HELP

HansieMom Wed 09-Oct-13 14:48:49

Wow he is bad at this! Show him the thread??

Bonsoir Wed 09-Oct-13 14:48:54

Why the hell did you commit to him if the sex is so crap?

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 14:50:27

Is everything else really ok in your relationship? Because to me the only conclusion I could draw from your OP is that he's a very selfish lover.

You've explained and demonstrated what you want and he still doesn't get it. Either he's incredibly thick or just doesn't care. The fact that he's willing to take but not give is also just wrong.

But the thing with such selfish behaviour in bed is that it would usually spill out into other areas of the relationship, so I'm a bit at a loss really.

Sorry you're experiencing this though. It must be incredibly frustrating.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 14:52:27

hes a lovely guy, doesnt know his arse from his elbow domestically but if im not around (and i do make sure i go out and have some "me time" alone) then he copes fine

just dont ask him where his socks are kept etc

proffessionally hes epic, very high powered job good money etc, moving up carer ladder

sorry about typos, sleeping child on me

mistyshouse Wed 09-Oct-13 14:53:41

oh god sorry you are having such bad sex OP. there is honestly not much worse that a shit shag (sorry for crudeness)

your dp sounds quite selfish to me as well, no idea what to suggest if you have tried to tell / show him what you like and he has paid no attention sad

Jan45 Wed 09-Oct-13 15:02:54

OMG, how bad is he, and the cheek, to accept oral 2/3 times a week but yet won't go down on you, oh sorry, once every 2 months???

Sorry but if I was you I'd give him nothing until he starts to treat you with a bit more consideration.

Dahlen Wed 09-Oct-13 15:06:19

If he's capable of holding down a high-powered job he is capable of pulling his weight domestically and learning how to be better in bed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 15:08:58

Wondering if the 'good money' you mention is adequate compensation? It'll have to be because I don't think you've got a hope in hell of changing the man himself.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 16:02:46

No it's not compensation. To me sex is really important

I've slept with more people than him & whilst i dont have a uber high sex drve i would actually like to have some amazing sex. My sex drive was higher in the past but maybe thats because i was having sex with other people who were good. He acts very much like he'd enjoy lots of different things but he never actually delivers.

I wonder if it will ever be ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 16:35:20

You sound as though you've gone through most of the recommended methods of improving sexual technique with a partner and, if none of them have had any impact, it's probably because he's quite happy with things exactly as they are. The 'I'm all right Jack' type has little incentive to change. How long have you been together?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 16:36:58

Sorry just seen the 'less than a decade'....

AnythingNotEverything Wed 09-Oct-13 16:39:31

He seems to refuse to do the things that you enjoy and penetrates you in a way which causes you pain.

I'd stop any sexual contact until he understands this is a problem.

GladitsnotJustMe Wed 09-Oct-13 16:41:12

Well firstly the oral sex 2-3 times a week would have to go. That kind of thing needs to be earned!!

Once he starts complaining, tell him that when he can give you pleasure, you'll return the favour. Give and take.

Having said that, my ex was utterly rubbish in bed and used to complain that he didn't get it enough. I literally begged him to try and make it better for me and I would be more willing. He couldn't be bothered and the sex remained rubbish. Thank god he walked out on me!

Why oh why would you give this guy blow jobs?

He doesn't give a shit about your pleasure, why on earth are you worried about his?

Mumof3girlys Wed 09-Oct-13 17:03:10

So glad you have posted this, I'm having similar problems!! I'm a single mum of 3 and have a boyfriend (together 2 years) now in the begining we were at it like rabbits and so turned on by each other I could come really easy through sex along, I didn't notice the serious lack of foreplay!! After a few months I did begin to notice and dropped hints etc and like your DP I got the quick 2 second lick!!!

Now as the time has gone on his sex drive had plummeted and I find myself nearly having to beg for sex, I only see parter weekends because of distance/work etc and I find sometimes we can go 2/3 weekends without any sex!

My biggest problem is just how bloody lazy he is not even a kiss let alone foreplay! All I get is either roll over and I will stick it in back if you or if he is hanging from drinking he will ask me to put my stocking on and sit on it ( and I do men's seat on it) no kisses nothing!!!

In the 2 years we have been together I can honestly say he has ventured down there maybe 5 times and then it's for a 2 second lick! I'm just finding sex really hard to enjoy now as I'm never turned on or cum!!!

Like your DP he talks a good game as suggest things but not once as he ever followed through his technique is just shit!

I used to have some amazing sex with my exes!!! Now this sounds really bad but I'm just dying to sit on someone's face ��

I'm watching with intrest to what you decide to do as to be totally honest if things with mine don't change then I think it will finally split us up ��x

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 17:21:13

I like giving oral sex. I like how turned on he is. I enjoy taking him all the way till I know he's about to cum and change tack. He enjoys it. I enjoy it. Sad that giving him head is the most pleasure I get from sex. That's saying some thing!!

He is happy. He says I'm his soul mate. If I ask him what would improve our sexlife he responds "do it more"

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 17:27:18

If he's happy with everything except frequency he's really not going to change anything. Tough call OP

JoinTheDots Wed 09-Oct-13 17:28:29

I am sure you have tried everything - from the resignation in your post, this might not be news, but...

When he is giving you the 2 seconds of foreplay before you let out one single moan and he stops so he can get pumping, have you ever just completely cockblocked him and said "oi, not yet, I want more of what you were doing or it is no entry"?

And

Next time he indicates that a blow job might be a nice end to the evening, what would happen if you said you would LOVE to, but not until he has gone down on you first? And no licking up the ice cream thanks... its like this, or you can go have a wank in the bathroom.

If you kind of force him to get into a better routine because he is not getting his way until you get yours - would that help?

It seems a shame to ditch him if this area of the relationship is the only one you want to change. It also seems mad that he cannot change, if he is successful in his career and a decent dad. Just because he can't find his socks should not mean he cannot learn to be a better lover. Surely?

It this is something that is really important to you, I think you need to tell him how important it is, and that if things do not change, you see the relationship ending in a miserable slow break up which you want to avoid.

Would he be open to seeing a sex therapist with you? I have never tried one, but I know other posters have mentioned them as useful...

outragedofsuburbia Wed 09-Oct-13 17:32:22

I don't understand why you let him switch from foreplay to penetration without saying 'no not yet, keeping doing that...(whatever that might be). Surely he would stop if you told him?

Have you told him what you've told us? I mean really spelled it out to him?

If you have, repeatedly, and he hasnt tried, then he's a lost cause.

Darkesteyes Wed 09-Oct-13 17:37:49

Second time at attempting to post #sortitoutMN

He is placating you with words OP . When he says things like you are his soulmate Words are cheap.

Name and mumof your partners are not having sex WITH you They are having sex ON you Treating you like inflatable dolls.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 18:14:16

Thisisaeuph - yes spelt it out. Loud and clear. He was hurt and sulked and acted like a child. A few weeks passed and I initiated sex. Bingo. Back to old times.

Yes i have said "please don't stop" etc and yet he does any way like he's teasing me for my pleasure. Iykwim

I'm self employed - smal children - volunteer work, keep a pretty good house - we have pets Etc - I'm not in bad shape - I make an effort. I wear nice clothes and I shower daily - look after myself etc - and I'm keen to fuck / make love to my partner. Yet really it seems unless its all for him he doesn't really care two hoots and I'm bored. Oh so bored.

Boredham leads to temptation and I REFUSE to be that person. But just for once it would be nice to be fucking devoured & passionately WANTED by the man that I want and who is supposed to want me. I mean really want
Me. Not want me to put the kids in the bath or pack the dish washer but want me.

Darkesteyes Wed 09-Oct-13 18:23:13

Thisisaeuph - yes spelt it out. Loud and clear. He was hurt and sulked and acted like a child. A few weeks passed and I initiated sex. Bingo. Back to old times.

Then hes a selfish arsehole as well as a manchild. How does he view women in general OP. Does he think that women shouldnt enjoy sex and that those who do are sluts? How does he talk about women when certain subjects come up. The women he works with for example.

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 18:27:00

he doesnt talk about women at work tbh

communication is a probem for him.

he was bought up in a very emotionally repressed religious house hold

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:30:23

My ex wasnt happy with sex that hurt me but still willing to have sex on me when I wasn't keen.

Everything else, uncommunicative, repressed, inexperienced, selfish lover sounds just like the husband I have just left. Got to the point I had to be drunk to have sex and the last time even with the booze I felt ill and knew I had to leave.

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:33:37

Don't think it was nasty misogyny although my ex definitely has a fair amount, although he would deny it. It was purely just the repression and lack of communication is so deeply ingrained that he is incapable of sharing anything, sex, chit chat, thoughts, love anything. He's entirely self involved and finds it very difficult to internalise anything external.

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:35:10

(Or externalise anything external or do anything for the benefit of someone other than him)

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 19:38:43

(Or externalise anything internal or do anything for the benefit of someone other than him)

namehopping Wed 09-Oct-13 20:26:37

So what do I do?

Write him a letter?

Offred Wed 09-Oct-13 20:37:05

I have just sat a law final (3 hours - grim) and have drunk half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach so forgive me if I am blunt/appear flippant, but, I think you leave...

Honestly, you have communicated reasonably and effectively and he has not listened, why he has not listened does not matter. Basic fact is he is not fulfilling one of your fundamental needs and I think the way you describe his behaviour indicates he has no concern or respect for you and will be unwilling even if he is also unable to bring himself to change (like my h).

Am I making sense?

Unsure... Ha.

RaspberryRuffle Wed 09-Oct-13 22:05:10

Get an appointment with a sex therapist.
Stop giving him blow jobs. You say you like doing it - fine - but you don't seem to get anything else you like sexually so it won't make a big difference (to you).
I don't normally advocate withholding sex BUT you have to give him a taste of his own medicine, as it appears that he has no experience of what it's like to be so frustrated.

If he can get over his emotionally repressed upbringing enough to stick his 'member' in you without making sure you are turned on, but not overcome it to give you pleasure, I think he just sounds like a selfish wanker tbh.

Junebugjr Wed 09-Oct-13 22:06:58

This sounds awful for you OP.

Tell him straight, he either improves and has more consideration for your needs or you stop having sex with him and get a proper shagging elsewhere grin. He sounds selfish and pig headed. The onus shouldn't be on you here, HE is the one with the problem.
I would show him your OP, maybe he needs seeing it in black and white, then everytime he tries pulling a fast one on you, get up and walk out of the bedroom. Did this on one of my ex's, although I eventually got fed up of having to have a tantrum to have proper sex an went elsewhere.

Junebugjr Wed 09-Oct-13 22:08:56

Oh yes, and no bloody blow jobs, until he improves drastically!

FlatsInDagenham Wed 09-Oct-13 23:08:31

Does he actually know that he hasn't given you an orgasm?

If not, why not? Have you been faking it? Or is he very ignorant?

If he does know, then I would seriously question his love and respect for you - especially in light of his answer to your question about what would make your sex life better.

It's a real conundrem this one - a person that selfish in bed must be selfish in other areas of life too - yet you say otherwise confused.

A letter might get the discussion going. But he may well just repeat his childish tantrum then go back to normal.

How about buying a couple of decent books - sex manuals such as the good old joy of sex - and reading them in bed, showing him bits, reading bits out etc.?

LongDarkTeatime Thu 10-Oct-13 00:06:48

I've been in a relationship for over 10 yrs. Sex has never been great and no orgasms (spectacular with past guys) but he's a great guy. He's never had a huge sex drive and never seemed to hold on to what I tried to teach him to do ... or even to listen very much. Then when I was pregnant found out he was seeing to himself the whole time with a major porn habit. The penny dropped & all made sense.
We've talked it through as much as he's able. He's even gone to a counsellor (no idea what they talked about). I let him know my needs and have now not had any sex in over a year ... arrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Not sure what use this'll be for you ... probably me just venting ... but I understand not wanting to leave. Life is more than just sex ... but bloody hell sex is an important part.

BinarySolo Thu 10-Oct-13 06:57:10

It's very worrying that you've spelt out want you want from him and he's ignored it. Even more worrying is that he has sex with you in a way that causes you pain. If he genuinely is ok in all other areas of your relationship then I think he needs some sort of sex therapy/counselling.

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 07:26:52

I just tried. I told him that I'm being let down (he did some thing trivial this morning that just shows how selfish he is towards me) and his reply

I'm sorry i have nothing left to give etc

JaceyBee Thu 10-Oct-13 07:35:53

It sounds as though he's reasonable enough to have an amicable co-parenting relationship with you if you split up, how would you feel about suggesting a trial separation and see how you get on? It really doesn't sound as though he's going to improve and actually it doesn't sound as though he's even that bothered. It's not like you're asking for the moon on a stick! Just for him to please you in bed in a way that you're trying your best to encourage him to do.

ithaka Thu 10-Oct-13 07:37:54

OP - has the sex ever been good, or has he always been shit in bed?

If it used to be better, then I think there is hope for you both. If he has always been clueless, I would be less optimistic.

On a general note, it does demonstrate how much better it is to sleep with someone before you commit rather than have to marry as a virgin. I know it may not have helped in this case, but maybe other people reading will think on. If the sex is crap, it is not a small thing and not worth overlooking because someone 'works hard' and you 'get on with them fantastically'.

Longdarkteatime if your OH is choosing porn over sharing intimacy and pleasure with you, it is not just about sex, I am afraid.

mumtosome61 Thu 10-Oct-13 07:50:40

I had an ex which absolutely refused to listen to any of my hints (and then obvious requests) when it came to sex. He just rammed it in, and expected me to pleasure him. It was a nightmare, so I sympathise.

To be honest, if he's able to hold this position of authority work wise and able to fend for himself if you're not about, it isn't because he is unaware of the situation - it's that he is absolutely content in the knowledge he is being pleasured and can't see beyond that - I'm reluctant to say he doesn't care, because I don't know him or you, but if you've told him repeatedly that you don't want this, or you'd like that, I'm really at a loss.

This may be a bit of a controversial question so please don't answer unless you want to - do you feel that if you withheld sex (taking the fact you want pleasurable sex out of the equation for now) owing to the fact he isn't pleasuring you, he would go elsewhere? Or the relationship would end?

I think what I'm trying to say is that are you comfortable with withholding sex for a period of time without the threat of something bad happening? I can't see him changing - and the only thing I can wonder is if you stopped completely for a bit, he may clue on; rather than giving into him (even if you enjoy it, etc).

ithaka Thu 10-Oct-13 07:58:00

Think further, I do think the fact he enjoys getting BJs from you 2 or 3 times a week is a major red flag. My DH would not like that, as he enjoys giving me pleasure as much as he likes receiving it - driving me wild is a massive turn on for him.

Actually, and this goes against perceived wisdom, at least 2 of my previous partners were not especially keen on BJs. They found them a bit distant & wanted me to share the pleasure for the big moment.

It sounds like he is just selfish in bed, and perhaps out of bed too.

I'm sorry I have nothing else to give.

Answer: Well honey you know what neither do I.

If I were you I would write a letter, stressing how bad its making you feel, that you are thinking being single would be better than this -"proximity without intimacy is hell, etc, etc," but say that you want to go on a journey together, you love him, blah, blah and together you can do it.

The blow jobs have got to stop though! If I was getting great oral sex three times a week, I would consider that all was well - and anything I heard to the contrary would be white noise.

If he doesn't get how selfish he is being after that, well....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 08:20:06

Nothing else to give... he means 'this is as good as I get' or possibly more accurately 'this is as good as I'm prepared to get'. That doesn't offer very much in the way of hope. Sorry.

Lazyjaney Thu 10-Oct-13 08:23:40

IMO it's impossible for most people to maintain a relationship for a long time if the sex is crap or non existent, so for you it's probably just a matter of time OP.

I know the MN mantra is to split and find your soul mate later, but in my observation what the vast majority of people actually do is have affairs or find their next partner while with their current one.

Thants Thu 10-Oct-13 08:36:45

He isn't asking you if you want to have penetrative sex and knows it hurts you. That's abusive. I also experience pain during sex and if my partner acted like yours does I would consider leaving. Putting his sexual pleasure over your pain is scary.

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 09:03:43

I shall write a letter.

He was really pissed off this morning. It's so impossible to talk to him without him getting like this.

Ban penetration. only 69 or mutual masturbation, if he stops so do you

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 09:29:02

Yes mine was/is like that too, impossible to talk to because he could not listen to what he thought was criticism, turned it around onto me in some passive aggressive way. When I said I felt upset because I felt he ran away to work after the twins were born and didn't care that I couldn't cope (twins failed to thrive, had feeding probs and I had a 3 and 4 year old too) his answer was "well I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown" I was taken aback and felt sorry for him that I hadn't noticed and then realised actually that it couldn't be true, I'm good at compartmentalising and I'm good at saving putting my feelings aside till it is safe to deal with them but I know that people "on the verge of a nervous breakdown" are not able to manage as normal without showing any signs of it. I reckon he was just saying it to minimise my valid feelings of being hurt and shut me up. He does this often.

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 09:30:42

Do you think yours is saying similar? Trying to minimise your feeling, shut you up and turn the sympathy to him?

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 09:50:55

My god offred the similarity is scary. I had PND / depression and I'm on medication. If I talk to him about it he comes out with the most worrying crap about "do you even know why I don't go to work by train any more?"

"I'm scared one day I will jump in front of it"

He is an emotional manipulation master. I've told him that. He also does this really annoying dismissive face at me - so if I'm trying to chat with him about stuff and time and time again it doesn't sink in or I get no response I usually loose it - an shout at him. Then he does the face at me. Like "hah you've lost your cool"

He never ever ever shouts.

mumtosome61 Thu 10-Oct-13 09:56:30

That is emotional manipulation on a grand, grand scale - and this is coming from a woman who suffers from BPD, so I know manipulation when I see it - and that is really shitty stuff to say to someone that a) has depression (you) and b) well, it's just shitty.

Ultimately, I think this extends more to just the sex issue.

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 10:03:32

Yes, my x is unconfident and inexperienced but I stopped feeling sorry for and accommodating his opting out when realised that he often was punishing me for being confident and experienced in small passive aggressive ways.

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 10:04:54

"Yes, my x is unconfident and inexperienced but I stopped feeling sorry for and accommodating his opting out when realised that he often was punishing me for being confident and experienced in small passive aggressive ways."

THIS!!!!!

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 10:05:35

help me write this letter, it needs to be objective and not ranty... he likes ranty, well... me ranting

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 10:05:59

And he's not a bad guy. In some ways he is a Nice Guy but he's not a nasty bastard. Just self absorbed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 10-Oct-13 10:07:11

Is the letter for your benefit or his? Are you writing it as a form of self-expression or do you still think you can influence his behaviour?

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 10:10:13

the letter is so he can have come thing to read, thats written rationally - about my feelings, rather than me get really fustrated and angry and scream at him

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 10:10:53

I might send him the nice guy video. this blogpost and this article by Anne koedt but if he is like mine he might make some noises like he understands and then not change anything.

Offred Thu 10-Oct-13 10:11:49

These things will for part of my sex education for the dc... grin

Hullygully Thu 10-Oct-13 10:13:47

He is a nightmare.

Whatever the causes/reasons.

He won't change

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 10:26:44

oh Offred "The Nice Guy usually has some glaringly big issues in his life that he isn't dealing with-- things that make him unhappy, but rather than address them, he is convinced that if only he could be with someone, everything would magically get better. (Yeah, guess what, it doesn't. You still need to get a job/move into a better place/go back to school/get therapy/clean your toejam/tell your parents to piss off/whatever it is.) For a Nice Guy, all the responsibility for his happiness lies with his future partner. And he will put the burden on her, as well as guilting the hell out of her if she gets fed up with mommying him."

ThisIsMeToo Thu 10-Oct-13 10:26:48

I was reading to say that I am/have been in the same boat re sex life and no orgasm.

That is until I read your last posts re how manipulative he is. So I am not sure that will relevant to you.

What I did was:
1- try and show him what I liked (I know you already have)
2- take my own pleasure before he has time to get his (ie me on top so I am in control and I can keep going until I get my own orgasm)
3- give him an erotica book with the clear message that this is what I am after (I choose it very very carefully...) so that he had the description of oral sex, touching a woman etc.. plus (and more importantly) the fact that the pleasure of the woman comes first and takes time time (ie lots of foreplay).

However, if he is that manipulative, I do wonder if he actually wants to listen to you. If you are writing a letter and he doesn't change, at least you know it's because he doesn't want to listen, not because of your communication skills.
Something that could work is to explain what your feelings are and what you would like to have without ever going into 'telling him off' mode (but you never do that type of thing).

The more you talk about him, the worse he sounds. Really.
IF you still think there is a chance he will listen, I would say something like this (based on your op):

"I have never had an orgasm with you. I would really love to.

Every time we have sex its the same script. However I try to change things etc it always ends up with the same finale. This makes me sad and bored.

I'd like to show you what turns me on - and I would like you to take it seriously.

I had a 3rd degree tear and I dont like being rammed when I'm not ready. It hurts, it pulls, if im not turned on or we dont use lube i feel bruised and sore afterwards - and some times genuinely like im being ripped.

You are my partner and I love you. But I'm serious about this. I'm considering walking away if we can't find a way to deal with this problem. And it is a massive problem. I can feel myself falling out of love with you and I'm not going to put up with this anymore."

Hullygully Thu 10-Oct-13 10:42:26

If he was brought up in a religious emotionally repressed household, has he internalised that sex is dirty and women shouldn't want pleasure?

Or has he watched lots of porn where the man does the ramming and the woman does the bjs and gratitude?

He doesn't WANT to hear you. I don't know if you'll be able to figure out why. I very much doubt you'll get him to change.

MyPantsAreGreen Thu 10-Oct-13 10:44:00

One thing in the OP resonated with me. When you say at work he is 'epic' and high powered that is true of my DH. However at home in many ways he can be a bit stupid sometimes and that is true also of the crap sex I have to endure. Again like you I have showed him stuff I like explained and directed but it's like he doesn't retain the information and then blames me repeatedly for lack of guidance. I have given up myself. I think with some of these career types 110% of them goes into work there is little energy left for anything else. I certainly wish I could see the masterful professional work side of my DH at home and in bed!

I don't see it like that, Pants. He might be the highest in the workplace or the lowest but he's making a choice to not give a shit about his wife.

namehopping

He's clever this man, he has you well dancing to his tune. He cares only about himself.

Your legal position too is poor. You are seen in law as two separate individuals. I would hate to think what would happen to you if he died suddenly; you would likely be dependent on the goodwill of his family.

Getting back to him this type of manipulator does not give a toss about you really and perhaps even hates all women.

What do you get out of this relationship?. What needs of yours are being met here?. You mention he's a fab dad but that is not your emotional need (besides which he is not if he is prepared to treat you like this). Women also often write such comments when they have nothing else positive to write about their man.

Why have you settled for so little?.

MumsAlterEgo Thu 10-Oct-13 12:23:59

The key question here is does he know how much you dislike it? Because if he simply doesn't understand the problem needs fixing, after all your relationship seems otherwise solid. If he just doesn't care that is a much bigger issue.

1) Stop giving him oral sex! If he brings it up clearly say he never returns the favour and he has years of catching up to do before you will even consider doing it for him again.
2) NEVER, EVER, EVER have sex that is hurting you. If it is you tell him it hurts and do something different and if he doesn't you cut the session short so he gets the idea. I am serious, it is not acceptable at all for him do do something that hurts you!
3) If he doesn't get it is bothering you so much or what is not working wait until the kids are in bed and sit and calmly talk through it. Tell him you love him but the sex is not working for you and you both need to work together to fix it. Don't expect him to learn what you like just during sex, he will be too distracted then. Suggest things you do and don't like, suggest sex games, suggest anything you want.
4) If he is trying his best then keep working on it but if he goes back to old habits throw him off you mid sex and tell him it's not working. If you have to buy some sex toys and do it yourself in front of him until he gets the idea.

LongDarkTeatime Thu 10-Oct-13 13:12:06

I wonder if the all these problems don't come from a place being manipulative but rather these men are running from something they're afraid of i.e. being emotionally stinted they can't face being emotionally close. So bad sex isn't the root cause its just a symptom.

If he's afraid I'd be careful of being blaming in your letter as it may make him defensive & clam up/lash out. Can you write something that describes the problem and then be curious about why its happening ... to try and get him to open up and talk?

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 14:38:11

Do you think maybe its just he doesn't turn me on any more?

You said that he has always been crap in bed- I think maybe you can't tolerate his lack of effort anymore.

LongDarkTeatime Thu 10-Oct-13 14:52:11

Wouldn't be surprising with how he's been acting. But might you fancy him again if he changed?

namehopping Thu 10-Oct-13 16:49:39

Should think that is it. My tolerance, before children I wasn't as time limited / tired / pulled 5 different ways

Now my tollerence for all sorts of bull shit have dropped. I cba with it - I've told him btw, about how fucked off I am

BinarySolo Thu 10-Oct-13 16:59:22

If he cares about you he should want to get this right, even if he's initially hurt and defensive about it.

joblot Thu 10-Oct-13 17:24:22

His job is irrelevant. A decent human expects to give and receive good sex. It wouldn't occur to me to receiveand not give ppleasure. I mean it would just be wrong and selfish. I hope you get your very reasonabledesires met op

Yes, and I hope you know, name hopping, that what you are asking for is entirely reasonable. You're not (from what I've seen) asking for mind-blowing sex every night of the week, but just enjoyable, pleasurable, satisfying sex with your partner (who is clearly quite capable of getting erections etc). You are not asking for the moon.

ThisIsMeToo Thu 10-Oct-13 18:51:50

Btw I agree too that you should never agree to sex that is hurting.
Apart from the fact it's not pleasurable, you will just grow more and more resentful of the situation up to the point when you will not want to have sex with him anymore.

ThisIsMeToo Thu 10-Oct-13 18:52:37

If you want to call his bullshit, then stop accepting it.

LongDarkTeatime Sun 13-Oct-13 14:39:46

How are things going OP?

Custardo Sun 13-Oct-13 14:48:07

i think relate do sexual counseling too - is that something he would consider?

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