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revenge affairs

(78 Posts)
batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 11:48:23

Has anyone else done this?

My dh told me he had had a brief affair with a colleague a few months back. It was over at the time he told me but he had slept with her twice unprotected. It was devastating, we have a young baby and an older child with sn. We are now going to relate and I have had some cbt but still finding it really hard to live with.

My immediate reaction was that our relationship would never improve and in a state of confusion and feeling really low I joined a dating site (I told him this) and had a brief fling with someone followed by an emotional affair which turned physical as a one off. Not seen or heard from him since, not contacted anyone else but the aftermath is obviously very complicated as we have both cheated, we are both liars. I think I thought it would help me with the crippling jealousy which tbh it has a little but I still obsess over the other woman every day and have lost all confidence.

Anyone else? The relate counsellor said our situation is unusual, not the affair but my reaction. To me it was the only thing I felt I could do to distract me though, surely I can't be the only one?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:20:49

Perhaps if no one is in the same position someone could just help me with experience of managing the next few years ? I just feel so devastated all the time. Dh is sorry, we have been over how it got that bad but this feeling of loss is just unbearable. Even when I am happy its only while I am distracted enough to forget for a minute.

Should have said,have name changed for this as know some people in rl

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 12:23:48

I suspect what you had was not a revenge affair, as such. More an expression of your own loss of confidence (ie. desperate for any male validation that you were desirable). It seems to have badly backfired in that it has left you feeling worse about yourself rather than any sense of vindication. I'm certain you're not the only one that has ever done this but I'm horrified that you now seem to see your actions as somehow making you as bad as your appalling partner. I don't think the two are at all equivalent.

The reason you are still obsessing is because you now seem to feel trapped by this sick quid pro quo obligation. I suggest you stop being angry with the OW, stop berating yourself and start finding the fury you should be directing towards him... the true villain of the piece.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 12:25:06

Sometimes 'sorry' doesn't cut it...

AnyFucker Mon 07-Oct-13 12:29:29

It's ok to not forgive your husband for what he did. It's ok if you can't ever get past it. I think your ill judged affair was you desperately trying to give yourself a reason to forgive him (if you could see yourself as being just as bad as he is)

Some things really are unforgiveable. For me, this is one of them.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:31:27

Thank you . I think you are right sadly.

I find it hard being around him at the moment but have no option because of the children, complicated situation but need two adults all the time because of eldests sn.

I am angry with the ow because she knew he was married and knew there was a small baby and still went ahead. There wasn't much conversation other than sexual stuff but I know she said oh no but you are married etc but then did it anyway and I obsess over how anyone could do that.

I think overall my affairs were positive for me believe it or not as both were nice guys , one was a lot of fun and made me feel I could forget stuff and the other was in a similar situation. It's him that I miss as I had support from him at a horrible time but I know it wouldn't be right to stay in touch and that the feelings weren't really real anyway if that makes sense.

I really feel that in relate sessions there has been pressure for me to put it all behind us as we are on an equal level now but I would never have done it if I wasn't betrayed.

FrancescaBell Mon 07-Oct-13 12:33:36

Did the dating site guy know you were married?

I've certainly heard about people who've done just this- shock's a weird thing.

I'm more shocked that a relate counsellor told you it was unusual. I'd have thought a reasonably experienced counsellor would have come across this a few times.

Was the counsellor a man or a woman, out of interest?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 12:39:04

Pressure on you is right. You'll often see references to F.O.G (Fear Obligation Guilt) in dysfunctional relationships and you've got the lot in spades. It's preventing you from moving forward and being happy. The eldest DC my have SN but surely you can come to some arrangement where you can successfully co-parent without necessarily being in a relationship together?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:40:27

A woman. I thought the same, it was the only reaction possible for me.I wonder if she meant the dating site element was unusual. In which case I bet it won't always be as its getting so popular for meeting people.

Both guys knew I was married but only the emotional affair one knew the full situation. The first one just took me out a couple of times and I never went into t all in detail just that my marriage wasn't going to work but I didn't want a relationship. The second knew everything. I am still unsure of what happened with him as it was all very intense , I think he was as troubled as me but equally he could have been more aware of how vulnerable I was.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:42:02

We discussed that then decided we wanted to be together. I am up and down with it. I think we had serious issues to begin with that we were burying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 12:48:29

Deciding you want to be together is a very logical, rational position to take. No problem with that. But, after a such a traumatic and very personal blow to the relationship, it's not your logical or rational self that has to deal with the aftermath. You can't make yourself like someone.

Leverette Mon 07-Oct-13 12:50:46

Don't allow yourself to be troubled by or to ruminate upon the counsellor's judgement about whether our behaviour was 'unusual' or not.

It frustrates and disappoints me to hear of yet another example of a Relate counsellor making judgements and pronouncement on the rich and diverse tapestry of human behaviour, with the net result of leaving the vulnerable person feeling abnormal, criticised, odd.

OP I'm sure loads of betrayed people of both sexes have done what you have, just as others have put prawns in curtain rails, harrassed via text, all the myriad ways humans can respond to deep emotional trauma. Be kind to yourself flowers

pantsonbackwards Mon 07-Oct-13 12:56:26

I keep hearing bad things about relate and this is no different. There shouldn't be pressure on you to just put it behind you! Relate seems (from what I've heard on here) to be about both taking blame for the affair and burying it all under the carpet.

But in my opinion the only one to blame is the one who did it, who chose that course of action. And i don't believe you can just put it behind you without the unfaithful partner dealing with whatever it was about THEM that had them choosing that course of action.

Sorry, I've never been to relate, just keep hearing things like this on here. It seems that they set out to save all marriages regardless of what one is putting the other through and what that means for the one who has been cheated on.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 12:59:10

Sorry my kindle battery is low so keen l coming and going but back s opp on as it sees fit to work!

AnyFucker Mon 07-Oct-13 13:04:06

I don't, in general, have good opinions on Relate. I am sure there are exceptions but they do seem to focus very much on what is wrong with a relationship whilst ignoring the massive elephant in the room. Unfortunately, this often reinforces the self blame experienced by the cheated-upon and pretty much vindicates the cheater.

I wonder what the "relapse" rate ie. cheaters who cheat again is following joint relationship counselling.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:08:45

I did exactly the same as you and had a revenge affair via someone I met online - it is over now - I do not regret it. When I found out my partner was cheating I think I actually lost myself - I certainly would never have done it without his own infidelity. We went to a Relate trained counsellor who was just dreadful - it was excruciating and we have not gone back. I do not think that you and I are so unusual at all !

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:10:35

Right, have come up to use DHs computer, I decided who cares if he reads this.

Thank you so much everyone.

Yes I think relate would have been brilliant pre the affair and the stuff we have done on our problems (his OCD and my previous relationship issues< our incredibly stressful home life) have been really helpful but I am not sure that we have really addressed the affair properly, it felt at first that all we did was discuss my issues-ie why I have to go to men for reassurance. He essentially went to her for reassurance as he felt I didn't fancy him and regretted marrying him. Perhaps I did feel like that a bit at the time too. But no excuse and I feel like all this put the past behind you stuff excuses anything. Which is why when I went back one week and said last week I slept with someone else I felt almost like a stroppy teenager as I felt like saying ah but that was last week, it was in the past!

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:11:49

The Relate counsellor seemed quite desperate to blame me too - the reality was that my cheating DH was acting like a self entitled shit. My 'crime' was having breast cancer btw

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:12:01

justconfused hello, glad I am not alone! I don't regret what I did either but can see I was lucky really as I was so vulnerable it could have gone very badly.

How is your relationship now if you don't mind saying?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:15:09

That is interesting, the person I met with had come across a similar situation! That must have been horrendous, did your partner actually say that was the reason?

I actually felt bad to begin with that I hadn't given my dh enough attention and reassurance bu t the reality was the situation I was in was so hard that I could only cope with that.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:18:02

It's pretty bad to be honest - I look at him and cannot believe the pain he has caused me. Not sure if I want to stay with him. At the same time though I do love him - not like I used to though. He knows nothing about the revenge affair and I feel there is no need to. Still undecided if counselling will be worthwhile for us.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:20:33

My DH is a man child unfortunately OP and me having cancer was one of numerous excuses that he has given me over the last 6 months

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:22:23

My dh does know but I was fairly open about the fact I didn't feel I had the same boundaries around being faithful anymore so I don't feel I gave him anything like the shock he gave me.

How long has it been for you? That must be very hard to deal with I am sorry its still so painful.

The issue I have too is my DH is now really paranoid every time I go out and I have to remind him that its because he isn't trustworthy! Its just such a shock, he always had seemed so devoted and as if he would do anything for me. Our friends and family would be really shocked.(onle one friend knows)

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:22:39

My dh does know but I was fairly open about the fact I didn't feel I had the same boundaries around being faithful anymore so I don't feel I gave him anything like the shock he gave me.

How long has it been for you? That must be very hard to deal with I am sorry its still so painful.

The issue I have too is my DH is now really paranoid every time I go out and I have to remind him that its because he isn't trustworthy! Its just such a shock, he always had seemed so devoted and as if he would do anything for me. Our friends and family would be really shocked.(onle one friend knows)

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:24:47

I saw a thread about that! I nearly looked then thought it may make me more angry, I had bad opinions on men pre dh and feel so stupid now that when he told me the ow flirted with him on a night out I just laughed, I trusted him so much.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:28:06

OP I found out 6 months ago - I felt terrible at first (that's when I had the affair) - then I felt better and now I am not feeling so great again. I hope that I will feel better about it eventually - I just feel so massively let down by him. It was a complete shock when I found out and it was the last thing I expected to be honest. I have read that revenge affairs are quite typical btw and that is one of the main reason for women cheating on their partners. I find it staggering that your counsellor found it so unusual

Charbon Mon 07-Oct-13 13:29:39

I'm sure you are right about the dating site angle OP. I very rarely post about my own experiences but I will share this:

I was once talking to a group of Relate counsellors about dating sites for people in committed relationships, social networking and the ease with which men could purchase sex on the internet. To my bemusement, there was incredulity that this 'phenomenon' existed - and in a few cases, complete disbelief. Make of that what you will. Plus in fairness, I've come across a few Relate counsellors who are far more switched on - mainly the ones who don't practise exclusively for them.

This isn't unusual or even surprising. I think your actions were probably about shock, but I've known others who've wanted to experience the feelings of having an affair in an attempt to understand their partners' former actions better. This is also often no more complicated than the old fashioned advice about the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

The people I've known who've coped better in the aftermath were those who still had some rules: transparency with those involved, the new partners had to be single and not cheating on anyone. Because it's not ethical to use other people as props and it often damages people if they visit the pain they've experienced themselves, on another unsuspecting partner.

My advice is to stop Relate and go to independent therapy as individuals. Take your time with the decisions you need to make and don't pressurise yourselves into staying together or indeed, parting.

Many couples create a new relationship after infidelity, but the ones who tend to be happy as individuals and as a couple are those who genuinely understand why the affair(s) happened and have traced the link between the infidelity and individual character and personality traits, setting out to change those which facilitated the infidelity occurring.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:30:23

Meant to say, that is dreadful that relate made you feel to blame in those circumstances too!

I feel really, really sad today, very alone and he is texting to see if I am ok. Oh yeah I'm great!

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:35:03

Thank you charbon. I think we really do need individual therapy. And internet dating is frighteningly easy. I had so much attention online by being a woman after dating/no commitment rather than a relationship but so many men were married! In my situation I wanted to be really careful about not destroying anyone elses lives so I completely get what you mean.

justconfused I can relate (ha ha) to so much of what you say. I think I feel worse now than in the middle bit too and similar time frame to you as well.

Charbon Mon 07-Oct-13 13:47:58

A therapist might be curious about the choices you made and the beliefs, attitudes and personality traits that influenced those choices and caused you to make those and not others, but that's a very different (and very useful) enquiry that could help you to understand yourself better in the future.

Evidently, the same applies to the husbands in these situations. What was it about them as individuals that caused them to make those choices?

This is an essential aspect of helping people cope with infidelity. The dynamics of the relationship might be a factor too, to greater and lesser degrees. But the relationship wasn't unfaithful; the individuals in it were.

Focusing on the relationship dynamics to the exclusion of individual autonomy of actions is always a mistake.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:48:47

Op how are you coping with the obsessive thoughts about the ow - does she still work with your husband ? Like you I struggled with the fact in my case that she knew he was married with kids and his wife had cancer - what a bitch !

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:49:59

I feel like lots of time was spent on me as I was so unrepentant! Wheras he was and is better at talking about feelings than me.

The whole thing has left me so down though that I get paranoid about everyone so I could have been imagining some it her attitude tbh.

ownbrand Mon 07-Oct-13 13:51:14

I think its very common to feel like this . I too am recovering from infidelity and id be lying if i said i didnt feel like doing the same back. I havent and wouldnt because im sure i would feel worse for it , but i understand the feeling.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 13:52:24

Op do you still feel unrepentant ?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:54:56

That is shocking justconfused, have you spoken to her? I sent one email but have left it since then and glad I did but I get scared I will bump into her and she will know who I am from when she was on his facebook but I wont know her. I also really don't want to know what she looks like.

I have good and bad days. I even tried hypnotherapy and cbt but still feel bad a lot of the time, it feels impossible.

Yes they work at the same place but not directly so he wouldn't see her unless he bumped into her in the car park. I hate the idea it may happen. How about you DH was it a colleaugue?

I just cant imagine doing that to someone elses life. I would be torn apart by guilt thinking about children seeing their mum devastated and having their lives changed by separating parents etc.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:57:44

I think I do tbh, at least towards my dh as I think his actions drove me to it.

But I know morally it was wrong, its just that I feel that he broke the vows already so they were broken iyswim. I just worry things are more damaged now. I got a lot of emotional support from the second man and think it saved my sanity at the time to have someone to confide in and to distract me, I think it was too much to take in so I chose to block it out.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:01:28

ownbrand it was a very strong drive for me. I felt I couldn't get past it unless I had my own bit of freedom first but I am not sure what it will do long term. Looking back I was so vulnerable anything could have happened and as the relate counsellor pointed out, it wasn't doing much for the stability for our children.

I think the person who said it wasn't a revenge affair really was right as I basically turned to other people when I felt low. If they hadn't been nice people it could have been even worse all round.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:01:51

justconfused do you ever want to contact the person you met?

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 14:04:55

I did phone the Ow and tell her what a bitch I thought she was - yes. I'm not sure it registered with her to be honest as she gave me some spiel about affairs being normal and that her father had had them - good grief !
I am unrepentant for what I did - and it did make me feel better at the time.
Feeling pretty low now though and have started taking anti depressants which I hope will help me

Charbon Mon 07-Oct-13 14:07:03

Did the Relate counsellor discuss your husband's responsibility for the stability of his children, when he had his affair OP?

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 14:08:06

No op I don't feel the need to contact him - he was a shoulder to cry on when I needed it and someone who made me feel attractive ( again when I needed it ) I wouldn't want to get back in contact with him as I want to save my marriage (if I can) and he would be a distraction. How about you ? Do you miss the man you met ?

pantsonbackwards Mon 07-Oct-13 14:08:40

Ok, I'm now completely convinced that Relate is shit.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:15:47

Not much tbh charbon! I think because it was still ongoing for me when we started relate (not affir but was on the dating site and made no secret of it) she concentrated on that as she said it was a dangerous situation. I met my dh online so I think it can be done safely but I did see what she meant as I was in no fit state to be making decisions. Also my dh was so emotional and sorry and desperate for us to be ok I think she said something like it wouldn't hurt him to feel bad for a while but that we had to start rebuilding etc etc.

I find it so hard to get past just that precise thing though, he put us all at risk and it has seriously affected me so it will affect them, its like he just did not think!

justconfused the ow just didn't reply to me. I guess if they were able to do it they cant have felt any moral responsibility eh? I just find it so disgusting and even more so when I think how many single men I came across online, why not one of them!

fourbythree Mon 07-Oct-13 14:17:14

I had a retaliation affair ... My partner didn't 'cheat' but he lied compulsively ... And after I found out about a huge lie I reignited an old flame... For me it was a way of signifying the end of my relationship with my partner and I did leave him... Had some time alone which was very painful but after coming out of the other side I'm actually grateful for the affair as it gave me the confidence, self esteem and perspective to see quite how abusive my exes behaviour was.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 14:17:15

What I really struggled with with the Relate counsellor was that she kept going on about the affair being a symptom of problems within the marriage. She tried to get me to accept some blame for his actions ( I just won't do this - ever ). My 'fault' was getting cancer and the attention being switched to me for a while. My DH has narcissistic tendencies and I just don't think he could deal with it

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:19:29

yes I do sometimes but maybe more because he was distraction and he was good at talking and listening (he had had a lot of counselling himself!) but its not that I want a relationship with him or ever did. A shoulder to cry on too I guess.

Haha pantsonbackwards I think they could have really helped us pre affair but are not enough now! So I sort of agree for some things, ie depression because it felt a lot like I had to swallow my feelings and at one session I actually felt frighteningly out of control.

justconfused I may yet go on ads , I am on st johns wort and it helps but I feel very anxious still.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:23:35

I think our relate sessions are very similar! I kept saying well if the past doesn't matter then I can sleep with whoever I want then it will be in the past next week! And I also think my dh couldn't handle the lack of attention because I was so tired and caught up with the childrens problems. But he also felt unattractive bla bla bla because I was very critical. Which I really was, but due to how stressed I was.

In your situation I completely agree you cannot accept any blame. I actually think it is very dangerous all this convincing vulnerable people into blame for something which has already torn their life apart, its scary!

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 14:25:06

sil is here so need to go, she would be so shocked if she knew any of this, I feel we have a double life! I will be back later thank you everyone so much for the moral support and chat it has really helped.

fourbythree hello! I am also very relieved nit to be the only one I was worried she was right for a minute!

pantsonbackwards Mon 07-Oct-13 14:28:52

I actually think it is very dangerous all this convincing vulnerable people into blame for something which has already torn their life apart, its scary!

I agree!

Charbon Mon 07-Oct-13 14:56:23

One of the things I find odd about Relate is that their material on their website is very good on affairs, but their books on the subject are awful and (it appears) quite a lot of their counsellors are hopelessly out of date about infidelity and especially, modern facilitators of it, such as the internet. So their authors and some of their practitioners are completely out of step with what their own website suggests.

It is Infidelity 101 to make the critical distinction between the joint responsibility for the success of a relationship and the individual responsibility for acts of harm to it.

Another myth is that people in a relationship are 50% responsible for their half, when the reality is that someone who is coping with a life-threatening illness cannot give anything like 50% at that point. Life's crises inevitably mean that at various time markers, the partners will not be able to focus their attentions on their marriages as much as at other points along the road.

In any case, I'm always curious about how much the unfaithful party had been investing in the relationship prior to an affair. This is often a more insightful and fruitful enquiry than finding out about the faithful partner's prior investment, although that enquiry often reveals that the faithful person was the one who organised babysitters for couple nights out, initiated conversations about the relationship, made huge efforts with personal presents etc. and that those activities weren't absorbed by the other when the usual 'giver' was incapacitated or otherwise engaged.

Pigsmummy Mon 07-Oct-13 15:12:15

I did it, my first partner admitted to sleeping with his ex when we were first together, he only told me because she threatened to, I decided not to let her win by finishing the relationship but to do so at "some point in the future" so she wouldn't think it was due to her. I stayed with him for 11 years and had various encounters with other people in revenge for the ex. In hindsight I should have cut my losses when he broke the trust, it took a long long time to recover my self esteem and have moved away. I used to obsess about the ex and hated her for years, we lived in a small town, it was a relief to be honest when we broke up as I didn't obsess about her anymore.

Do some soul searching about the future, not the past. Imagine yourself without your DH and explore your response, get him to do the same (seperately) If you want to stick together try another counsellor, also make your life more bearable? If she works with him and you are not happy with that then suggest that one of them leaves?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 16:18:24

He is going to look for a new job but can't till he has some experience so needs to stay till next March ish. I can't imagine life without him as life is so bloody difficult and don't want to give it all up but I don't want this obsession and misery permanently either. So hard, I feel I have so long ahead feeling this low. Being in a small l town with all that going on must be unbearable, I had a similar situation but less serious with an ex, it means I already had low self esteem probably. So I think he was investing more than me in a way but then didn't cope well with lack of attention when I was up all night with the youngest. He says he felt it had all been for nothing.

I feel though in a way that he was offered attention and sex and took it, regardless of our relationship. Oh God will I always feel this angry?

Charbon in our case he has always been the one who seems more keen if that makes sense but now he says he felt he had to go along with rushing into marriage and baby to keep me. I think we both have serious self esteem issues.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 16:19:14

Argh that got jumbled up somehow, the bit about investing in the relationship was to charbon.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 16:47:34

Op I feel so like you ... Still so angry and just hate the feeling that it is going to take me a long time to get over this. Are you still going for counselling with him ?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 17:02:25

Yes although we are taking a break from it for a couple of weeks and he is going to try to get a refferal for cbt via the gp or at least a recommendation.

It's hideous isn't it? I feel I had an awful time around my first child's early years due to the disabilities and now this with my second. I wonder how long it will be this intense. Some days I can forget for a bit but generally I am upset all the time, it affects everything.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 17:04:31

Are you still in counselling? Did the anti depressants make you feel worse before better? I am worried about the initial couple of weeks if I go on them as dh had them after all this but felt so anxious on them he stopped after a week.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 17:54:25

No op not trying counselling at the moment as the first counsellor was a disaster. I feel anxious the entire time - have only been on the anti depressants for a week and I think they are making me more anxious (also have intense nausea ) but am sticking with them as hope it will pass. I understand the feeling they you have of being dealt one big blow (in my case the cancer ) and then having the second ( husband's infidelity ) - very hard and do frustrating because your 'd'h has gone through so much with you and then is so cruel sad

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 18:10:42

Yes exactly that. It just seems unforgivable but I don't want the alternative either.

The ads do make you feel nauseous to start with, I was on them years ago and I remember that, and sweating a lot but it did get better within a couple of weeks and they really changed me for the better I think. I may go and ask for some as soon as I feel I can face it. I know that's a bit of a contradiction!

jackstini Mon 07-Oct-13 18:11:58

Happened to me a long time ago.
Different situation - we were both much less mature and no kids were involved and actually decided it was best that we split up.

However, I did forgive and we were able to have a much better friendship after that.

Something someone said really helped me to do that so I will repeat it in case it helps you.
(feel free to ignore if it doesn't!)

Forgiving does not mean it didn't happen
Forgiving does not mean it was right - it wasn't
Forgiving does not mean you have to forget - likely you won't, or not for a long time
Forgiving does not mean you have to tell the other person you forgive them, although you may want to
Forgiving means you choose to let go of the bad feelings inside you that not forgiving will keep there. It might be anger, hatred, jealousy or a hundred others. You know you are a happier person without those feelings and you actively choose to refuse to feel them any more.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 18:52:14

Thank you. I really hope one day I can be free of all that too. Feel so hopeless today. I've started a new job but seem to be in a constant state of panic and its really affecting how I perform. I wasn't going to return to work but wanted the independence after all this and a distraction other than other men. It's making me feel worse as I feel I am crap at it as well as relationships.

I think both me and dh have changed so much because of this and its not yet certain which way it will go long term. He is willing to do anything but the one thing I want is for it not to have happened.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 18:52:58

Op are you staying because you love him or are you scared of being on your own ? I thought I was staying because I love him but I do question this and wonder if it is actually fear of coping on my own ie what if the cancer comes back - how can I cope with the kids. I am a Sahm so feel economically dependent on him too

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 19:39:39

I think I am staying because I think the relationship is worth saving but I also am really aware thAt I couldn't actually manage the children's needs alone. I was planning on being a sahm and was till a couple of weeks ago so I know what you mean. Though in reality I am not really much less dependant now, it's more the idea.

but as far as love goes it's so hard as I feel he can't be the person I believed him to be, he can't love me as much as I thought he did either or he wouldn't have done it. But I think that is as much about what this has done to my self esteem as anything.

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 19:56:41

I know - yes it does rock your self esteem doesn't it ? My husband is quite shocked at the impact it has had on me and also him. He's very upset with himself. I just wish he had kept it in his trousers and that it had never happened !

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 20:00:20

Yes my husband is too. He just apologised to me again and is doing everything he can but I still feel he has ruined my life. And I think how could he not have known this would happen.

Ugh what a life eh. How are you feeling health wise?

Justconfused Mon 07-Oct-13 20:09:56

I feel my life has been ruined too - it does seem dramatic I guess but that's how I feel - at least for the moment. Things will never be the same. I was very much in love with him and I just don't see how I can get that back. Health wise I just feel pretty depressed so hope the ads will have some kind of impact in the next few weeks. Although I see myself with my husband I do suspect it might be a short term thing and that when I feel stronger I might just call time on the relationship. How about you op ?

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 20:15:48

Yes it is hard to see how it can improve isn't it when such a big important aspect of the relationship is gone. I just keep thinking when/if I recover enough to t hi k straight will I hate him for putting me through all of this. Will I have any respect for a man who made me feel this low on top of everything else I deal with and what will all this do to us as a family.

It must be so hard struggling with the health side too. I hope the ads help you, I think I may be asking for some too soon.

I would love to be a few years on from this but then I get angry that I am wishing away the baby's sainthood because of what he did.

batterylow Mon 07-Oct-13 20:17:48

Ha ha the baby's baby hood, I don't have a saintly baby! (In fact if she would give me some sleep I may find it easier to cope!)

batterylow Wed 16-Oct-13 15:24:01

Oh God have messed up now, looked up the ow on Facebook on Sun when dh was out. She was nothing amazing just looked older, not glamorous not anything special. Which is what he told me. Anyway I felt churned up and cracked and e mailed the man I cheated with. He replied and dh has found the email, I had deleted it thinking he wasn't going to reply but of course the whole thing was now there for him to read.

I was looking for distraction,the boost of knowing someone was interested after dh did that to me. We were meant to be starting again post his affair and my dating website stuff but he is obviously very upset now. Not even sure I regret the contact as it did momentarily distract me but obviously can't go on like this.

Justconfused Wed 16-Oct-13 15:43:09

I understand why you did this - contacting the other guy was a bit of a crutch in a way to make you feel better ?
Your partner knew about him before though ? Can you just tell him what led you to do it ? He needs to show you compassion too

Jaccuse Wed 16-Oct-13 15:46:22

Having a revenge affair right now and don't regret it at all - best sex I've had in ages.

batterylow Wed 16-Oct-13 16:01:35

Jacusse I front regret mine either, thought I might but I think it was the only way for me to not feel like a victim. I'm not sure why that is but it did help although may have backfired slightly now!

Yes just confused that's exactly it. He knew I looked her up and I should've told him at that point about the email but hadn't had a response so thought I should just leave it. How are things with you?

Jaccuse Wed 16-Oct-13 16:09:09

I'm sure mine is a lot to do with not feeling like a victim, no idea what will happen with my h yet, not looking very far into the future right now tbh. In my defence I did make sure OM was single first.

I hope things work out for you battery.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 16-Oct-13 16:12:05

I can understand the appeal. It would be just a boost for my self-esteem though... I got my revenge in first...20 years ago but never confessed (only an EA). I don't want to hurt H at all. But to feel that 'only just met' thrill again.....

Justconfused Wed 16-Oct-13 16:31:58

Op things are still pretty bad at home. I think he might be depressed too. He is now going back to saying the marriage was unhappy after months of saying that he did it for an ego boost, thrill and bit of attention after having a mid life crisis. Feeling sick of him at the moment and think he might move out - have mixed feelings on this and wonder if divorce is now inevitable

batterylow Wed 16-Oct-13 16:35:04

Yes for me that's a lot of it, the actual dates bit is fun and I am not sure how to recapture that with dh, I feel so let down. He wants me to e mail and say no more contact but has said it's up to me but please tell him if I have any more contact. He has said he understands why I did it it just worries him I could have another bad day any time. This is so hard and I suppose without the other men thing I have to actually face it now.

I made sure about married men too as would not want to do that to anyone else , I had so many married men get in touch thou g h on the dating site , it's depressing. I like to think most of them were just wanting to talk about rather than do anything but even so.

batterylow Wed 16-Oct-13 17:46:41

Sorry to hear that justconfused. I wondered at one point whether it would have been better for dh to have moved out for a bit but didn't know how to manage it practically and also whether that would be the end or a help.

Do your family and friends know what he did? Mine don't and I felt I wanted to wait and see what happens first. One friend knows though.

Justconfused Wed 16-Oct-13 18:00:52

Hi Op - yes my close friends know and have been really supportive. My DM knows and she has been no help - I just got a 'I told you so' about it as she always thought we might divorce (good grief ) - my worry is that if he moves out then it will be the end

batterylow Wed 16-Oct-13 18:19:02

Oh no that's really unhelpful of your mum!! Especially as it sounds like it was his reaction to not feeling he was having enough attention etc (unavoidably)when you were ill. Which is terrible behaviour but not because of a tricky marriage. Really feel for you, and wonder if I will be the same soon!

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