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Can she really be that happy?

(208 Posts)
neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:08:17

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a woman in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. She has a husband and young family and appears to be really happy with her set up. She wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told her to behave herself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let her know that I'm not interested without offending her and why is she behaving like this if she seems so happy?

Speak plainly and don't enter into flirty chit chat.

'You're married so it would not be a good idea for us to go out for a drink together'.

It is not about not offending her, it is about being clear on where your boundary is concerning her flirting etc. Tell her to stop and that she is making you uncomfortable.

If it continues I would speak to HR.

TurnipCake Sun 06-Oct-13 16:20:06

"Sounds great, I've been meaning to introduce you to my wife"

Or what Fuzzy said

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:25:26

Her motivation isn't really your concern. However I'd assume you've known or heard about men who enjoy flirtations or even infidelity, despite being very happy with their set-up, so why would you think a woman would be any different?

Your concern is your own boundaries and communicating them to your colleague. You don't have to give any reasons for why you don't want to go out for a drink with her, you just say 'No thanks' when she asks. If she asks why not, you say that you'd prefer to stick to a collegiate relationship. Don't get into discussions about how you might be interested if neither of you were married; say less rather than more.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:28:10

I really don't want to go down the HR route to be honest. I think everyone would just see me as a mard arse if I did that. My workmates are encouraging me to "get a grip of her" and they'd do it, married or not. I'd like to go on the xmas works party but according to one of her mates, she's going to make her move then.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 16:32:16

Marmite was 77. Popular number.

eve1543 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:35:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:40:53

Are any of these workmates who are encouraging you to 'get a grip' of one of their fellow colleagues and who are admitting that they would too, in monogamous relationships that appear to suit them well? These people are also adult men I assume, although I use that term advisedly...?

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:43:23

Thanks Eve. That's really helpful. I might as well have stayed on the other forum I was on where they're asking for pics of her etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 16:46:25

I think you need to tell this woman that she's making a fool of herself and you're not interested. Either now or at the Christmas Party or both. Some people, of course, have flirting as their default setting and call everyone 'sweetheart' etc. But if you're sure this isn't just random, tell her straight.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:46:54

Charbon, out of the dozen or so blokes I work with, I'd say confidently that 8 of them have cheated. One has done it so often that his wife doesn't even care anymore.

eve1543 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:49:48

singletrack?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 16:52:45

BTW... you can't base your actions on not offending someone in this situation. Is she happy? ... who knows?... who cares?

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 16:54:14

You are a grown man in charge of your own penis, yes ? Then get a grip of yourself

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 16:55:49

So why are you surprised that a woman might want the same as your 8 workmates?

There is no need to denigrate this woman at all, either to her face, to your misogynistic workmates or what sounds like a vile, woman-hating internet forum. You merely say you don't want to go for a drink and if pressed, a non work-based relationship. This isn't difficult, unless of course you are tempted to follow the dubious advice you've been getting elsewhere, or you have problems with assertiveness.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:23

...or this is a delicious little fantasy for you hmm

wordyBird Sun 06-Oct-13 16:59:50

I would begin by laughing it off, as you did. It saves face. If the person persisted I would refuse in plain terms.
If someone does not catch a hint they are hard to offend, so don't be afraid to give a refusal.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:01:16

Are you suggesting I'm some loner playing with a trainset or something Eve? Believe what you like though. I just want to keep the atmosphere at work friendly but let her know I don't want to do the dirty on my wife. I know my workmates will take the piss but I'm not bothered about that.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:01:36

I don't understand the problem?

You just tell her that you don't go for drinks with women other than your wife and mother.

Why does it matter what your workmates say?

Ruprekt Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:07

Stop being so horrible to the OP.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. hmmhmm

I would make it clear that you are not interested at all and she should stop flirting with you. If it carries on, threaten to report her to the manager.

Hth. smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 17:02:22

So what's your dilemma exactly? Hurting her feelings?

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:05:38

Do you have children?

If so, next time she's chatting, get out pictures of them and show her.

Also produce pictures of your wife.

Emphasise what a happily married man you are. At every opportunity, ask about her DH and kids. Don't engage in flirtatious banter with her, just family stuff and general.

You don't have to spell it out, if she's not a complete idiot she'll get it.

If she doesn't accept that, then you will have to go the HR route because actually, it's just sexual harassment if she makes your work environment uncomfortable.

Lweji Sun 06-Oct-13 17:06:51

You just need to let her know that you are meeting your wife, so you're not available.

Be prepared for her to ignore you after a while.

basil beat me to it but yes, get out pics of your children, this is x this is y. now what were you saying? it seemed like you were flirting with me despite the fact you're married and have kids and know the same is true of me. please don't - i'm not the slightest bit interested.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:12:29

What a terrible time you're having at work. It's a shame. A heavy penalty to pay for being so desirable.

So what was your wife's advice?

yes - what did your wife say to do?

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:43

Yes. I don't want to hurt her feelings or insult her and I want to keep the atmosphere friendly. It's hard to explain but if I started telling her I'll report her or that she's making a fool of herself, it could make things awkward at work. I don't even want to say to her, "I thought you were happily married", because her home life is none of my business.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:50

I think if you don't knock her back now, and she tries to get amorous at the Christmas party- it won't be her with hurt feelings, it'll be your wife if she hears some of the gossip about office lady coming onto you. She'll be wondering why you didn't tell her to fuck off sooner and wondering why you have dragged it out so long.

Whose feelings matter more?

Next time she tries it, you need to firmly say:

'No, it's not appropriate to go for a drink- not just because we are both married, but I am not attracted to you, nor hav any interest in meeting with you socially in a setting that isn't work related'

Then act completely normal as if nothing has happened. Hopefully she will be too embarrassed and back off.

She's probably not happy and looking for a little ego groom on the side, you brushing her off with a simple 'no, I am married' is probably spurring her on more for the challenge. You need to demonstrate that you aren't interested in her, not like marriage is your only barrier.

If she makes things weird- her problem. Not yours.

And your workmates sound absolutely grim, maybe you could point her in their direction?

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:18:30

And if you come back and say 'telling her I'm not attracted to her and don't have any interested in seeing her socially would hurt her feelings' then I absolutely give up.

Anything else would be utter encouragement.

TheAwfulDaughter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:22:44

Do you not see how brushing her off with 'aren't you happy at home married?' or 'I'm married/you're married' isn't telling her to explicitly fuck off? Marriage means nothing to some, and you could still meet for a drink and shag her whilst being married, which is what she hoping for.

You need to say you aren't interested and to try else where. Take control of the situation.

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 17:26:01

So let's cut to the chase.

What are you going to say and do?

You've had lots of advice, but you appear to only respond to what you don't want to do.

Stop speculating about the state of her marital happiness. It's none of your business and it's irrelevant to why she is flirting with you. You appear to be shocked that happily married women might still seek extra sexual experiences, yet you don't appear to be shocked about your male colleagues doing the same. I'd guess there's a reason for that.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:27:58

I'm not being sly and underhand by not telling my Wife about it. I know she'd over-react and want to have it out with this woman and then it would LOOK like something's happened when it hasn't.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:28:05

You don't need to tell her that you'll report her.

It shouldn't get to that stage - unless she is a very unusual woman, she will understand that you are not interested if you make sure you NEVER engage in any sexually charged banter. It will only get to that stage if she cannot take a hint and refuses to recognise that you're not interested. But it is extremely unusual for women not to take a proper hint if they are given it - we aren't taught to believe that men owe us sex if we're attracted to them, so it's very unusual for a women to harass men in this way.

However, if she is one of the exceptions, you could always tell her that you've discussed her invitation with your wife and your wife isn't in favour as there are too many opportunities for misunderstandings. And that you agree with your wife, you would feel awkward about her husband too and you simply wouldn't feel comfortable going for a drink with her, you'd rather keep your relationship more professional.

If she still keeps on after that, then you are not responsible for any bad feeling at work - she is.

ah - quelle surprise - you haven't told your wife.

have you considered that she can smell on you that you're the type who won't tell your wife? who'll conspire and not be honest about what's going on with the supposed partner in your life?

that maybe that smell is what makes her think you might be up for it?

why not just tell your wife?

why is it serious to tell a forum full of stranger women but not to your life partner and mother of your children?

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:32:28

So your wife is emotional and reacts impulsively to things and you're the sane and sensible one, but who's just too attractive for his own good?

It is difficult to let people down gently, especially in a work situation.

I'm curious that your thread title doesn't ask about that, but instead asks: "can she really be that happy?" as though that is what you are interested in most.

I would echo Charbon and say yes, she can. Why not?

Be careful if you don't want this to blow up in your face.

really how hard is it to say, 'knock it off i'm married and i'm not interested?'

unless of course your ego is rather enjoying the ride and you'd rather string it out but reassure yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong and it's all about her. 'how can she be happy'?

Mollydoggerson Sun 06-Oct-13 17:34:57

Just say 'I can't I'm busy with my wife, once I'm out of work I want to forget about it and focus on family'.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:36:25

Chabron, what I'll probably do is just continue laughing it off and pretend it's just harmless work banter but just not go on the xmas bash. To the poster who suggested pointing them in the direction of my workmates, they've already tried it on with her. They don't need any encouragement.

LovelyGarden Sun 06-Oct-13 17:36:50

I can totally get how you wouldn't want to make things uncomfortable at work.

There are a lot of people on Mumsnet Relationships who have been cheated on, so you're not necessarily going to get a balanced response on here.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 17:37:12

No, you don't say "I can't"

"I can't" has absolutley no place in this scenario

The correct response is "I don't want to, and I will not be doing so"

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:40:37

I think if you feel you can't tell your wife, then you have bigger problems than this woman at work.

Normal couples trust each other.

You're going to continue the friendly (near the knuckle? Sexual?) banter aren't you and then sigh and wonder why she thinks you mgiht be interested?

No wonder your wife doesn't trust you.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:40:38

And did your workmates all get shags off her? Are you the odd one out now?

Wow, it's National Be Nasty on Mumsnet Week.

Ignore the unpleasant and disbelieving reponses, OP. They're being very rude.

I agree with everyone that you need to simply take her aside, tell her that her behaviour is coming across as flirty, it is inappropriate, makes you feel uncomfortable and ask her to stop. You can't be any more clear. If she carries on, then get HR involved.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:45:35

AnnieL can you really not see the disingenuousness of the OP's responses?

He keeps coming up with excuses for not dealing with it effectively.

Which leads other people to believe that he has no intention of dealing with it effectively.

And his wife doesn't trust him.

Frankly neither do I.

grin

And for those saying the OP's marriage can't be great if he won't share this with her, I disagree. DH and I have a very strong marriage but if someone was trying it on with me at work, I wouldn't tell him unless it got to the stage where telling that person to piss of wasn't working and I was getting HR involved. Because he is a worrier, and I see no need to worry him over something that he has absolutely no control over.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 17:46:48

As far as from here to the photocopier...

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 17:47:09

He's so nice and honest and moral that he needs to tell his wife. But she would explode, you see. That's what women do, isn't it?

I disagree, Basil. His posts read to me like he is looking for genuine advice on how to tell this woman to piss off without being too offensive or going to official route. I haven't seen him give excuses about why any of the advice given wouldn't work for him.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:48:21

She hasn't had sex with anyone at work. I'm not "irresistible". My wife trusts me, she'd just be furious with this woman. I haven't made any sexual remarks back in response. This isn't some kind of ego trip as I prefer to stay out of the limelight.

Neil, you're fighting a losing battle, mate. The posters here have gone into pack lockdown and there's no way you're ever going to win. Sorry, this is how it goes on MN sometimes.

KellyHopter Sun 06-Oct-13 17:50:16

So if its not an. Ego trip why can't you just say no thanks?
Women have to do this all the time.

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 17:54:24

Annie he's ignored the advice given and just not acknowledged it or said he is going to put it into action.

The bunny-boiler is a very, very rare beast in RL (although in fiction and in popular imagination, they're ten-a-penny).

It is very unusual for a woman to be so pushy and harassing, especially if she is not a man's boss.

So unless she is demented, it is incredibly easy for most men to knock back most women without insulting or upsetting them, because we are socialised to not expect a positive response as an entitlement.

The fact that the OP is making such hard work of it arouses suspicion. It is not that hard for a man to knock a woman back without insulting or alienating her.

DebrisSlide Sun 06-Oct-13 17:55:25

Neil, why can't you just say "no, thanks"? Why all the angst? Is it your workmates' response that you are more bothered about?

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 17:57:31

Neil is getting good advice here. The sugar coating might be missing, but it's good all the same.

Neil if you are the Good Guy you think you are (and we have no reason to believe otherwise apart from what you post here) then you will take it. Will you ?

Charbon Sun 06-Oct-13 17:59:53

So you're going to follow a course of action that no-one here has advised?

Okay. You do of course have every right to start a thread and follow none of the advice freely given.

Good luck.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:00:53

Thanks Annie.
Viewer, the only cliche you haven't directed towards me is, "I bet he's got a tiny cock".
I only wanted to know the right words to say without making things awkward. I wasn't trying to garner sympathy or play the victim. I understand that women have had to and still are putting up with some real crap in the workplace.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 18:02:03

Marmite77 was a nice guy too, but gone forever.

eh at small cocks???

the words are easy, "i'm married. you're making me uncomfortable. stop it".

hth.

viewer Sun 06-Oct-13 18:08:25

Great! Tell her that and you'll get rid of her!

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 18:08:31

So do you feel you know the right words now NJ77?

As AnyFucker asks, are you going to go away and follow any of the advice?

You said you were going to carry on with the banter. What sort of banter? You haven't actually answered the questions about that. If any of it can be construed as a bit sexual, then it's an incredibly bad idea to continue it with someone who is interested in you but in whom you are not interested - because you will give them the erroneous idea that you are in fact interested. Are you not aware of that?

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 18:09:15

grin

She may like small cocks viewer.

It's a high risk strategy, that one.

grin

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:21:19

Thanks for the genuine advice.
Basil, I will follow the advice regarding saying "no, pack it in, I'm not interested", if she doesn't take the friendly stuff seriously. I won't go to HR though because she could lose her job. Before anyone says she deserves to lose her job, she has a husband and kids who've done nothing wrong.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 18:28:24

I agree you shouldn't need to go to HR. If you do it properly, you can nip this in the bud right now.

You know what to do. You have been pussyfooting around until now. Time to man up.

Dear NeilJames77,

Just tell her to stop (yy, *no, pack it in, I'm not interested*), and repeat ad nauseam.

Best of luck,

WFF

Lweji Sun 06-Oct-13 18:35:13

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

She hasn't exactly trapped you in the men's toilets, has she?
Why would you report her to HR unless she's been unpleasant or you had specifically told her to stop it?

And continuing to laugh it off seems like a recipe to disaster.

I'd go to HR because I would not want her going to HR in a rebuffed huff and saying you were inappropriate...It happens, tread carefully, trying to keep things friendly can blow up in your face

BasilBabyEater Sun 06-Oct-13 18:44:01

But how "friendly" is the banter?

There's banter and banter isn't there and you haven't been very specific about what sort it is.

If it's a bit sexual, then continuing it will ensure that she thinks you're interested.

Or is it not sexual/ near the knuckle?

sarber Sun 06-Oct-13 18:47:40

I've had a to deal with something like this recently. First off a nice ... Please don't contact me anymore I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea. (He was only doing his through text on company mobiles)
After 2 more messages a .... I would like to get along with you in a strictly professional manner otherwise I'll have to report it.
I've had nothing since smile
I think the threat would be sufficient. It's not like she will tell anyone at work as she would be too embassered surely!

OrmirianResurgam Sun 06-Oct-13 18:50:35

You don't need to hurt her feelings. As to offending her confused.... it's not offensive to say no.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:50:51

Just comments about my backside etc or sneaking up behind me and whispering stuff. Nothing physical. No groping or anything like that.

Interesting. Is this woman in the office more senior to you op? or older?

rootypig Sun 06-Oct-13 18:57:11

OP the unfortunate thing is, there isn't much you can do that doesn't risk poisoning the atmosphere. That is why sexual harassment in the workplace is so insidious. Women have known and dealt with this for years.

With that in mind, why not just behave according to principle? Be respectful and honest and in a quiet moment tell her you're not interested in an extra marital affair, and you'd appreciate it if she stops flirting. I don't know what your respective levels of seniority are but if she's in a position to make your life difficult, I would get it logged with HR. I would say this to any woman.

I see why you don't want to tell your wife - but if the chat with the woman at work goes badly, you must.

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:58:42

Not senior to me and about 8 years younger.

'do you mean to be creepy and inappropriate?'

Meow75 Sun 06-Oct-13 19:07:46

I agree with a PP on the first page.

Using words like "I can't meet you" suggests that if only your pesky wife wasn't in the way, you'd have a cosy old time together.

You must say things like "I don't want to" You don't have to refer to her or her life at all. Make it all about you, and then she can't possibly be offended, and if she is, she's a twerp. Oh wait, she's a twerp anyway.

LocoParentis Sun 06-Oct-13 19:21:06

I would stop being friendly at all with her. Just be the bare minimum of polite with her and if she continues to ask you out for drinks etc I would say either no thank you or no thank you I'm going out with my wife that evening.
She's obviously without morals and doesn't care about hurting her own husband and children but isn't getting the message that you are not interested. I don't think you can get her to leave you alone any other way.
Good luck but if I was you I would think about telling your wife. She'll be hurt of it comes out in the future and you haven't told her

wordyBird Sun 06-Oct-13 19:26:31

Sun 06-Oct-13 18:50:51 - If that's what is happening, it's not banter, and it's completely inappropriate.

That behaviour warrants a straight look, a professional voice, and something like 'I don't appreciate that, don't do it' as a first step.

The next time she does anything. Stop dead. Fix her with a cold unsmiling stare. Say slowly. " what part of I'm not interested are you having trouble with? "
Then turn away and get on with your work.

rootypig Sun 06-Oct-13 19:55:39

She's a grown up, OP, treat her like one. Your reticence is making me wonder what sort of attitude there is in your workplace to women who are not senior and eight years younger than you. Get on with it.

Shoesme84 Thu 10-Oct-13 13:59:01

I'm male so here is my male perspective, tell her to fuck off and ignore her. Jesus wept.

JoanRanger Thu 10-Oct-13 14:02:59

Don't worry about hurting her feelings –she's the one that's out of order. She has to deal with that, not you, as long as you've told her you're not interested.

Jan45 Thu 10-Oct-13 14:43:16

Interesting title btw, why do you actually give a fuck if she's happy or not....[hmmm]

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 10-Oct-13 14:57:25

If none of the previous suggestions have worked for you, NJ77, imho, you should look her in the eye and say "use someone else". You need to put your flattered vanity away and realize it could very well flip around and cast you as the problem employee, not her...as has been previously stated.

If you feel your productivity has declined even a little because of her interactions with you, then you really do need to have a confidential chat with HR. Perhaps you could ask for protocols without naming names at first.

If you feel so hemmed in by the raunchy macho culture you seem to feel from your coworkers, then perhaps you could benefit from some professional counseling to resolve your seemingly low self-esteem that is preventing you from telling this hussy to bug off.

Dahlen Thu 10-Oct-13 15:19:51

Her marriage, your marriage - completely irrelevant. What would you do if you were both single and you just didn't fancy her? Do that.

BellEndTent Thu 10-Oct-13 16:09:03

Yes, women can fuck around even when they are completely happy at home. Just like men can.

"^You just tell her that you don't go for drinks with women other than your wife and mother^"
I like this approach, it's diplomatic (he has to work with her so IMO it's best to be as gentle as possible) without going into lots of detail, and isn't too heavy.

Xales Thu 10-Oct-13 17:27:50

Stop laughing at her comments. Comments about your butt and sneaking up behind you and whispering (I am assuming suggestive in some way) are sexual harassment.

We would not expect any woman to have to accept this and we should not expect any man to accept this either.

Next time she does it you need to stay calm and politely tell her that these comments are unwelcome and inappropriate.

Ensure you are never alone with her, keep a record of incidents and if she does it again you need to report her.

SweetSeraphim Thu 10-Oct-13 19:44:23

I am astounded at some of the attitudes on this thread. Some of you are almost intimating that the OP asked for this unwelcome attention by virtue of him having a penis.

Unbelieveable.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 22:01:06

This is such a non-problem.

Just tell her you're not interested. It's really not that difficult.

neiljames77 Thu 10-Oct-13 22:29:31

Its all been sorted now. Thanks for all the genuine advice.

SweetSeraphim Thu 10-Oct-13 22:39:43

How was it sorted?

neiljames77 Thu 10-Oct-13 22:56:08

I spoke to her in the car park. I told her that it seemed out of character for her to behave like that because she talks about her husband and kids quite a lot. It turns out that her husband treats her like crap and if it wasn't for work, she wouldn't even get out of the house. She is a really nice person which is why l didn't want to be too arsey about it with her. She apologised and said she would like to still be friends with me.

Fairenuff Thu 10-Oct-13 22:59:08

And, of course, you told her no, that would be inappropriate?

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 22:59:44

Ah, she isn't "that happy" then. Watch out that your white charger doesn't run away with you hmm

Perhaps you should direct her to mumsnet relationships board ?

DanglingChillis Thu 10-Oct-13 23:18:08

It is very very simple to make clear you are not interested without being rude. If she asks you out make up a previous engagement for you and your DW then say 'but we'd love to meet up with you and your DH some other night'.

And tell your wife there is a daft bint at work flirting, it's much more telling that you haven't told her. My husband bought another woman chocolates on Tuesday. How do I know? He told me! Why wasn't I worried? He told me (plus other reasons around trust).

neiljames77 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:58:19

There's nothing more needs to be done. Everybody's happy and no threats of hr were needed and its not inappropriate for me to have female friends as well as male.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Oct-13 23:59:18

Saddle up !

< sigh >

Leavenheath Fri 11-Oct-13 00:31:07

So this workmate has been touching you inappropriately and suggesting drinks outside of work, you didn't talk to your wife about it and said workmate is now saying my husband doesn't understand me and I'd like us to friends?

What could possibly go wrong eh?

I think your wife needs Mumsnet actually...or at least might do in 3 months time.

it's inappropriate for you to have female friends you dare not tell your wife about though. inappropriate to have female friends who've already made passes at you and are now confiding their marriage problems in having moved on from outright flirting to emotional entanglement and gaining your compassion.

surely you see that?

if it's not inappropriate at all surely you'll tell your wife all about it?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 08:02:55

Have this lady round to your house for dinner with you and your wife. Let her talk out her marital problems in a safe space, with two understaning and compassionate people. One can never have enough friends, eh.

Not on the agenda ? Fancy that...

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 08:35:27

I think this would be an entirely different matter if it were a male colleague coming on to you. How you would behave under those circumstances?

Imagine the scenario:

Can he really be that happy?
(103 Posts)

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:08:17

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a man in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. He has a wife and young family and appears to be really happy with his set up. He wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told him to behave himself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let him know that I'm not interested without offending him and why is he behaving like this if he seems so happy?

I don't expect you would have any trouble telling him 'Leave me alone'.

Unless, of course, you were more concerned for him than for yourself:

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:43

Yes. I don't want to hurt his feelings or insult him and I want to keep the atmosphere friendly. It's hard to explain but if I started telling him I'll report him or that he's making a fool of himself, it could make things awkward at work. I don't even want to say to him, "I thought you were happily married", because his home life is none of my business.

And now:

I haven't made any sexual remarks back in response

Just comments about my backside etc or sneaking up behind me and whispering stuff. Nothing physical. No groping or anything like that

I told him that it seemed out of character for him to behave like that because he talks about his wife and kids quite a lot. It turns out that his wife treats him like crap and if it wasn't for work, he wouldn't even get out of the house. He is a really nice person which is why l didn't want to be too arsey about it with him. He apologised and said he would like to still be friends with me

Can you see from this example that if you were not attracted to her, you would not be behaving like this. As I said, if it were a man you would not put up with it. You would tell him to back off.

It would not be appropriate to be friends with this woman. You are already keeping this a secret from your wife.

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 08:42:32

First off, when did I say she'd touched me? Second, I've already said that my wife would probably cause a scene at work and make it look like something had happened. Third, I don't have any low self-esteem issues. Fourth point, to the bloke who gave it to me from a man's point of view by telling her to"fuck off", you must be popular. I'LL just assume you're trying to ingratiate yourself to the handful of people on here who've decided I'm guilty.

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 08:51:39

Oh, I see there's now even a suggestion that I'm homophobic. Don't know where that one came from. Incidentally, I'd behave no differently.

Snapespeare Fri 11-Oct-13 09:12:17

NJ, with all the will in the world, you seem a little naive.

she's made it clear that she's interested in you, you've attempted to tackle it, she's started talking about her dreadful marriage and wants to be friends with you...your wife would be upset by this 'friendship,' so you wont mention it to your wife - before you know it, you're both pissed at the xmas party, someone see's something they misconstrue, you're the talk of the office and it gets back to your wife.

you havent been 100% clear with her from what I can see, because you're the 'nice' guy who wants to lend a friendly ear about her marital difficulties and she fancies you. You cannot be friends with someone who fancies you, because she will always fancy you and an emotionally intimate friendship where you talk about marital difficulties can lead to an emotional affair. She might view you as a challenge.

talk to your wife, please. rather that she kicks up now at this level than after the xmas party. I'd present it as 'x at work has been confiding in me about marital difficulties, i find this uncomfortable. what should i do?'

why on earth would you want to keep this secret from your wife?

Snapespeare Fri 11-Oct-13 09:15:29

yes, homophobic and naive. hmm sorry - I think a lot of us are trying to help, it's just that the choice on language on an internet forum can be haphazard sometimes. you've had some very good advice here, especially talking about your wife/family and being very firm with not meeting outside of work. you dont have to hurt her feelings to underline your commitment to your wife.

Pagwatch Fri 11-Oct-13 09:23:58

I think you are underestimating how incredibly rude you are being about your wife tbh.
The fact that you can't say 'this woman at work is being a bit odd. It's not a problem but obviously I am telling you so I don't have conversations with her which exclude you' implies that she is a bit hysterical.

My husband would talk to me because that is what people who trust and respect each other do.

By not telling your wife you are lying by omission and creating a connection with this Oman which deliberately excludes your wife.

If dh told me about a woman being a bit flirty I would be [shrug]
If I found out he hadn't told me about a woman being flirty I would be fucking furious because it mean a) he is a liar b) he doesn't respect me at all and c) he is getting some frisson of excitement from the drama.

(Or he was planning to shag her and then claim she drew him in..)

Pagwatch Fri 11-Oct-13 09:24:52

Obviously not an Oman. That would be more complicated still.

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell Fri 11-Oct-13 09:32:08

The point is Neil, that sympathy can sucker you in as easily as initial attraction. You get complacent with "we are just friends, I'm helping her through a hard time, she needs someone to listen" and that's a friendship that's not very sturdy, especially when she's made it clear she fancies you.

Be friendly, but not "friends" because that is another way of her getting your time and attention for her ego boost. When she starts looking to you for reassurance, you will gallantly provide it - it's only human and you think of yourself as a good guy, and you probably are too - but you may end up doing something you regret. Even giving that time and attention can cost if it takes away from your own family. If you haven't heard of an "emotional affair", have a quick look at the definitions. She's not proved very respectful of your boundaries and family so far, if this develops into a closer friendship you can expect that to continue.

That's why posters are so sceptical. I've been reading these threads for a while now and in a significant portion of cases the cheating husband says "I'm helping her through a hard time, poor thing" and the OW (other woman for newbies) gradually takes over time and attention from the spouse for herself. So you would be right to stay as backed off and disinterested as you can be while remaining polite and friendly. Maybe practise saying something like "sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I hope it all works out for you" and moving away if she tries to corner you and begin a conversation.

Best of luck.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Fri 11-Oct-13 09:38:04

Was just going to say what Pagwatch said. The way you depict your wife makes me personally very uncomfortable.

Have you read The Cheater's Script OP? I'm not saying you are cheating, but if you're in a peer pressure environment that encourages infidelity... Well one of the first 'signs' is justifying the behaviour by explaining how hysterical/irrational your wife is.

Kinda like you're doing now.

Also, it's usually a huge exaggeration.

Neil, Don't think that people who cheat are all nasty bastards. Some people who cheat are very nice simple folk who just get suckered in.

You are in danger of being the second kind.

She's been flirty with you like crazy. You are fretting if she can really be happy. Now you're having little sad chats about her rotten husband in the car-park. Now you're secret friends. Seriously, where do you think this is going?

scaevola Fri 11-Oct-13 10:22:22

The thing that would concern me most about this situations the lack of trust you have in your DW.

Decide to withhold information from her is a form of control. Especially as enough of your colleagues have noticed for them to be mentioning it. Withholding will definitely not improve trust between you.

It's no biggie to say 'no thanks' when asked for a drink by anyone you don't want to drink with, nor to tell colleagues who tease 'why not?' with 'don't want to'. But it does seem to matter a great deal more to you than this.

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 10:26:23

As I said before,its all sorted now and the only conversation I've had with this woman since our talk has been a smile and a hello, nothing more. I never said any of this was a huge problem or was giving me sleepless nights or anything,I just wanted the words to tell this woman I wasn't interested without causing upset or offence.
I followed the advice given by the reasonable, non-judgemental posters on here and it worked. Thankyou.
She said she wouldn't make anymore remarks and apologised. That's good enough for me.

fluffyraggies Fri 11-Oct-13 10:44:43

OP i actually get why you might not tell your wife.

If it were me being hit on at work by a bloke i would NOT tell my DH because he is the type to turn up and punch him. (the male equivalent of what your wife would do?)

Before anyone throws their hands up in horror there is a BUT coming ... the thing is - i would have nipped any flirting from the guy at work in the bud at the start - and therefore it is a non-situation as there would be nothing to tell.

I'm glad to hear you've had a word with this woman. But i agree that you are being a little naive about the it's all over now and she wants to be 'friends' thing.

Perhaps really try to imagine your wife at work ... Some bloke has been flirting in the same way with her. Whispering. Sneaking up behind her. Asking her out after work. Repeatedly. She asks him to stop. He says 'aw, but i'm so unhappy at home (puppy eyes) ... lets be friends though'.

Would you feel happy at that? They'll just be jolly mates then? Maybe.

Personally i would be happy if my spouse told the person they were not interested in her physically, thank you, and don't feel it's appropriate to hear any more about their marriage.

fluffyraggies Fri 11-Oct-13 10:45:46

X posts OP.

I really hope this is the end of it for you. I think you do have the best of intentions at heart here.

TerrorTremor Fri 11-Oct-13 11:22:27

I think you're being verbally attacked for no reason.

There is no reason whatsoever to suspect that the OP is going to go and cheat on his wife. Some woman do get very defensive with other women. Understandably so if she is trying it on with her partner. However, now the OP knows that she's not happy in her marriage he could introduce her to his wife. He wouldn't need to mention the stuff at work, only that the woman is lonely and upset. Perhaps they could become friends?

It's not easy if you are unhappy. It's doesn't excuse her behaviour though, as if she's not happy she should leave even with children.

I hope she keeps to being appropriate now OP. If she starts to act inappropriately again just say that you are sorry that she's not having a good time in her marriage but that you are happy in yours and you do wish to be friends, but only that.

I hope in time your wife can mellow out a bit and you can be more honest wth her in turn.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 11:28:48

Verbally attacked ?hmm

OrmirianResurgam Fri 11-Oct-13 11:54:09

Glad to hear it's been nipped in the bud.

FWIW H's affair started as sympathy for a poor woman in a dreadful marriage who had such a sad past.

Just be aware of the dynamic you have set up. On one side you have this poor damsel who needs support. On the other you have the hysterical possessive wife who would make a horrible fuss. Be careful. Even if she never touches or flirts with you again, the idea is already there in your head.

Tell your wife. Let her know it made you uncomfortable and you have tackled it and there is no need for her to get upset but you are telling her because you don't want any secrets. Break down the wall between her on one side and you and the damsel on the other.

TerrorTremor Fri 11-Oct-13 12:59:50

Not everyone, Any.

Maybe verbally attacked was the wrong word.

People making assumptions on nothing is probably a better sentence to use.

Sorry to hear that a similar situation is how your H's affair started, Ormirian.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 16:11:49

my wife would probably cause a scene at work and make it look like something had happened

Something has happened. Something that you are keeping from your wife. That is why posters are warning you off.

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:34:01

So having already stated that the woman has apologised and said she wouldn't make any more remarks and we can both move on and forget about it, you still believe that I'm being sneaky, underhand and untrustworthy?
Someone's flirted with me and I've declined tactfully and with respect.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 17:35:18

So, you are not going to be friends with her after all?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 17:40:16

If that is the end of it, neil, then fair enough.

I am sorry though, just about everyone else on this thread (based on your own words ...) are far from convinced of that. There is a fair chance your stubborn denial will come back to bite you, and you cannot then say you were not warned.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 17:40:38

is far from convinced

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 17:42:16

She's a work colleague, same as all the others.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 17:52:58

All is well then.

i just think it's incredibly sad to think of building your life with someone, having children together, allegedly being on the same team for life and yet keeping things from them that you're happy to post on mumsnet.

what's the point of a life based on not trusting or being honest with each other?

maybe i'm immensely naive and being a single mum has coloured my view of the world but surely being 'with' someone means sharing stuff and having someone you can go to and say, 'blimey this is happening what do i do...' rather than needing to go on an internet forum to ask strangers? confused

i just don't get it.

and honestly the idea of building a life with a man who conducted this kind of shit in secret from me whilst sharing it with randoms on the internet makes me feel really bloody queasy.

it would feel like such a slap in the face to find this out.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 17:59:23

I also find the idea of partners that would 'go after' someone for flirting a bit gung ho hmm

My dh is a grown adult, he is perfectly capable of speaking up for himself and protecting himself from unwanted flirting. I would not for one moment feel I had to fight his battles for him.

And if it were the other way around and I told dh someone was coming on to me at work he would say something like 'I trust you put him right?' not go charging round to punch the bloke confused

likewise faire - the idea of being in an adult relationship with children involved with someone i don't even trust to behave vaguely rationally is repulsive to say the least.

if you don't trust your partner to behave like a sane human being then some random flirting with you is the least of your worries and you need to think about your children and what kind of model they're being set.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 18:08:24

Totally agree, saf

CanadianJohn Fri 11-Oct-13 18:09:27

Disclaimer: I'm much older than most posters, and I've been retired for 10 years. It's been at least 20 years since a woman flirted with me.

However, if it happened, I would just smile and say something like "well, that's nice, but you know, I am married" or something.

And I certainly wouldn't tell my belovéd wife. What good would it do?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 18:10:12

And faire

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 18:12:30

SwallowedAfly, it was the right words I needed to say no to her without being disrespectful or condescending. Amongst the posts of, "just tell her to fuck off" and "wouldn't trust you an inch", the right answer was found. In hindsight, the thread title was wrong though. I was just surprised because it seemed out of character for her. I should have just titled it, "what should I say".

thing is i guess that your life, your wife's life, your childrens' life etc should come way above 'offending' some person at work.

Wheatus Fri 11-Oct-13 18:23:22

"and honestly the idea of building a life with a man who conducted this kind of shit in secret from me whilst sharing it with randoms on the internet makes me feel really bloody queasy.

it would feel like such a slap in the face to find this out."

That's Mumsnet gone then.

why? i don't use mumsnet to go behind the backs of people i love. are you implying everyone else does? confused

neiljames77 Fri 11-Oct-13 18:25:30

So, are we all in agreement then that I'm a weak, secretive, nasty spiteful cheat with an unstable wife who isn't fit to look after our kids. I came on here to get some genuine advice. Didn't swear, be rude or insulting towards anyone and will leave feeling like I've walked a minefield. Once again, thank you to the helpful correspondents.

one of the people i'm closest to in real life is on mumsnet every day. it doesn't concern me because i have enough respect for them that i'd deal with issues face to face rather than on aibu ffs. the idea that actual blumming marriage should entail less respect and honesty than my friendships is awful.

what is the point?

what percentage of marriages are based on complete and utter bullshit if people think this is so normal?

no neil we're not and i'm not sure how you came to that conclusion.

we have no idea what she's like other than the fact you don't respect or trust her enough to share your life with her yet are happy to live with her and share the responsibility of raising human beings together confused

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 18:29:34

Strangely enough, Neil, if this does come back to haunt you, MN will be here to help you through it again

Probably some posters will say things you find difficult to accept

That's MN. If you don't like it, there are other online fora...

seriously i may be very, very naive but how the fuck do people climb into bed and sleep beside someone they keep secrets from each night? confused

i don't get it!

how can you feel comfortable sharing your bed and your life with someone you don't even feel comfortable sharing the basics of what is going on in your life with?

utterly weird.

<hoping to be reassured that there are adult relationships out there based on honesty, respect, adult to adult communication and trust>

TerrorTremor Fri 11-Oct-13 18:36:57

I believe you wont follow it up, OP.

Problem is though when she feels lonely and upset by her DH, she might turn to you which of course as a friend is understandable. However, as a friend who has admitted to having feelings for you, this would be more awkward. Can you see where I am coming from?

I am sure she has no intention of hurting you. I imagine she's probably a very nice women who ordinarily would be embarrassed by her behaviour. But she's lonely and hurt and not in the best of relationships. It's just hard to support someone when you know they are physically attracted to you.

I don't think this means you shouldn't be friends. In fact, I think friends is a good thing. But make sure there is always that boundary there. You sympathise with her situation but it's not for you to get involved in, if you see what I mean.

Glad things are sorted now Neil.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 18:40:45

They do exist, saf

TerrorTremor Fri 11-Oct-13 18:43:35

I meant will as in follow up having just a friendship.

really AF? cos you don't see much sign of it on here. i find myself baffled and wondering if i grew up in a different culture and time somehow to my peers. because mine taught me that it wasn't worth it if it was based on bs but others of the same era and age group as me seem to be living by some weird set of 1950's values and aspirations that make no sense to me.

BOF Fri 11-Oct-13 18:54:43

I'm curious about the sexual banter out of nowhere in the workplace. Is it a factory for packing rudely-shaped vegetables?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Oct-13 19:18:15

Saf, don't forget that this board tends to skew perceptions

Nobody really posts about every small act of affirmation in a marriage

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 20:30:58

So many people say that they drifted into an ea or they didn't realise it was happening until it was too late, blah, blah, blah.

But the reality is right here. You do know, because you are keeping it secret.

Sharpclaws Fri 11-Oct-13 21:12:48

how the fuck do people climb into bed and sleep beside someone they keep secrets from each night? confused

This guy and his DW were watching a romantic film together but he got quite distracted because half the time he found himself fantasising about having sex with the gorgeous sexy girl in the film.
Later that night they had sex but unfortunately, in the darkness, he couldn't help imagining that instead of his DW it was the girl in the film he was kissing passionately and shagging like crazy.
Being totally respectful to his DW and never wishing to keep secrets from her or ever be dishonest to her in any way, he told her all about his fantasies afterwards.
He was upset and hurt when she wasn't amused. Now he is confused about exactly how honest he should be with his DW even though he loves her dearly.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 21:14:07

?

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 21:14:51

Sorry, are you confusing fantasy with real life?

TheFabulousIdiot Fri 11-Oct-13 21:18:21

I don't understand why this is a problem, unless she is harassing you in which case you need to speak to hr.

This is the kind of thread that I think someone trying to prove a point about the advice women get beng different to that given to a man might start.

It seems a non issue. Are there really men out there who care more about what their knuckle dragging friends might think that just doing the normal decent thing of saying 'really, I am not interested in going for a drink with you'?

Christ.

Sharpclaws Fri 11-Oct-13 21:25:05

The shocking fantasies you have can be about the next door neighbour's wife, or about the wife's sister, or the girl in the newsagent's down the road. Just as long as you don't do anything and keep it secret, and never tell your wife, it's ok, is it confused

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 21:31:05

Yes, Sharpclaws, fantasies are ok to keep to yourself. Can you honestly not see the difference between that and real life?

Lucca22 Fri 11-Oct-13 21:32:12

Tell her to eff off and call her a dirty old cow, she should get the message.

rootypig Fri 11-Oct-13 23:14:45

seriously i may be very, very naive but how the fuck do people climb into bed and sleep beside someone they keep secrets from each night?

My darling GM, married nearly 60 years, says you can have too much honesty in a relationship. I haven't got her experience but agree. Partly because the minutiae of another person's emotional life is exhausting. Partly because it is impossible to understand another person's perspective, and people aren't logical - but our emotional needs are often simple. Do you love me, yes or no. So, better to paint in broad brush strokes. Partly because everyone needs a private life, their internal world. How much of that you are willing to allow a partner is partly a question of compatibility. What do you consider a secret?how emotionally engaged do you want to be, how much of the time? And it is partly a question of trust.

In this context, I think if the OP genuinely has no intention of having a flirtation with this woman - and he maintains he hasn't so far - then he's entitled to keep it to himself. I have been cracked onto a few times and not shared it with DH. If anything, I think he would think I was trying to make him jealous. Or worry him. It's just very difficult to share such a thing without making it a problem. The fact is, people who intend to be faithful are perfectly capable of achieving it without getting on their knees in front of their OH - it's just not a problem.

Sharpclaws Fri 11-Oct-13 23:43:28

Fairenuff - Just remember that a 'fantasy' is often simply a secret wish that you want to do something if it were possible, therefore if you keep them to yourself you are keeping secrets from your partner and so there's a lack of complete openness and honesty in your relationship. No getting away from it.

Fairenuff Fri 11-Oct-13 23:49:27

It's still a fantasy, Sharpclaws. Still ok.

Everyone has fantasies, they do not involve anyone else and hurt no-one.

Acting on those fantasies would be different. That would be reality and that does involve others and can hurt others.

There is a difference.

Sharpclaws Sat 12-Oct-13 00:51:15

True, Fairenuff, but these so-called 'fantasies' do have reality and substance in that they are real desires often involving 'real' people, as opposed to film stars, for example, and they can sometimes be quite strong and lasting desires that one dare not ever mention.
So this means that complete honesty with one's partner is simply not possible. It never was because it is completely unrealistic and an unattainable ideal. We dare not be totally honest.

Fairenuff Sat 12-Oct-13 13:08:21

Sharpclaws why do you put the word 'fantasy' in inverted commas?

Why call it so-called

There are still fantasies. They do not have reality or substance. Just because you daydream about your real life neighbour, does not make the thought real or give the fantasy substance.

You are allowed to think what you like. And it is not a betrayal.

Fantasies and reality are polar opposites. You cannot mix them. Fantasies involving real people are no different to those involving film starts.

It's interesting that you struggle to see the difference. There is a popular debate that violent video games are bad for children because they cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

And here is proof, that an adult finds the concept ambiguous, so no wonder it's harder for children.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 15:23:44

I thought op didn't find this woman attractive, and isn't fantasising about her, so I fail to see any justification for the obvious derail

i think it was in response to me being baffled to people who lie and conceal relationships and major events from one another feeling comfy snoozing side by side in bed afterwards.

the 'derailer' confused fancying angelina jolie with dabbling in a dodgy relationship with a woman at work who has come onto you repeatedly and could cost you your livelihood and endanger your kids security.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 16:05:55

who knew ? hmm grin

Sharpclaws Sun 13-Oct-13 16:37:27

'Fantasy' is just a word used to make something you'd love to do sound innocent and ok, such as wanting to kiss the next door neighbour. Needless to say these so-called fantasies can become reality in a couple of seconds. If your partner only knew what you would like to do he/she wouldn't be too pleased...
This comment is no more derailing than those who were preaching about the need for complete honesty in a relationship. That is quite impossible. Some things you are thinking about you can share, others you can't possibly. What's going on in your mind is real enough.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 16:46:16

You are typing the words, I can see the words, I can see no relevance here.

< shrug >

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 16:58:38

Doh!

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 17:03:59

OP, and anyone advocating keeping secrets of this type in a partnership, might want to read this thread

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 18:53:09

I have now told my wife. To be honest, she wasn't that bad about it. She asked if I'd encouraged her or joined in with any banter. She just told me to keep my distance from her which also involves the xmas party. She said if she is behaving like this when she's sober and in work, she'll be a lot worse after a few drinks. She doesn't want me to go on it and I can see where she's coming from, so I won't.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 18:57:31

Hallelujah ! smile

I think you should trust your wife more, mate. And if you don't expect a reasonable reaction, then you have more problems then just what you have said on this thread.

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 19:13:13

I do trust her. I just didn't see the point in potentially pissing her off about a bit of one-sided flirting that has now been dealt with.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 19:15:17

Do you accept that you should have just told her before asking strangers what to do ? Bearing in mind she has been absolutely fine about it (and you had visions of her kicking off, IIRC)

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 19:26:45

How far are you supposed to take this honesty? If a man and woman go for a drink and when he's at the bar, the barmaid flirts a bit with him, should he tell his mrs as soon as he gets back to the table? If the roles are reversed, does the woman tell her husband that the barman is flirting with her? To me, it just seems like shit-stirring over nothing.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 19:32:49

No ? Oh well.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 19:35:11

Are people being deliberately dim here, or do they really not know how to behave in a mutually respectful relationship?

MrFlibblesVeryCrossWithYou Sun 13-Oct-13 19:35:40

The one lesson you should have learned here Neil is never come on as a male!! NC to something female & ask from that perspective -that way, when the pack forms you're on the inside instead of letting this flock of harpies shred your personality.

Unfortunately a lot of people have spent so much time posting on these boards that they start to believe that they're in some way qualified to make the statements they make. Some of them have also been royally fucked over & that colours their outlook on relationships somewhat!!

Anyway, all's well that ends well!

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 19:36:30

Also, Neil you should understand that not everyone is as sexist as the previous poster.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 19:37:55

How very tiresome you sound, MrF.

Has someone given you some advice you didn't agree with too ? Petulance is a very unattractive trait.

MrFlibblesVeryCrossWithYou Sun 13-Oct-13 19:39:26

grin

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 19:40:53

No, AnyFucker, I don't think it served any purpose at all. Nothing was going to happen.Nothing is still going to happen but now my wife is pissed off about someone I work with. Now you answer my point or scenario. If you were flirted with by a barman, would you go back to your table and tell your partner?

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 19:42:55

Your wife might be pissed off with your co-worker but she isn't pissed off with you. She knows that you are honest with her and she knows that she can trust you.

What's the problem?

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 19:45:02

No, but if a barman flirted with me it wouldn't have the potential to stuff up my job. It would depend how far he went too. If he sneaked up behind me and made suggestive comments repeatedly I would have told him to fuck off myself. You didn't do that though, did you, with your "flirter". You felt inhibited because it happened in the workplace. Ergo, you should have told your wife, because something that could potentially affect your livelihood will affect her too.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 19:46:13

You sound like you have more regard for your co-workers feelings than you do your wife's. And have done all the way through this thread.

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 19:55:55

Wrong. It's not one or the other. I wanted to let the woman down at work without being rude or disrespectful and also didn't want to piss my wife off for no reason.
Also, if your partner was told by someone that the barman at the local has the hots for you and has been flirting, what are you going to say when he says, "why didn't you tell me?"

comingalongnicely Sun 13-Oct-13 19:57:36

I think that he wanted to avoid what has now happened - his wife is now bothered about someone that he works with.

Simples.

neiljames77 Sun 13-Oct-13 20:11:20

It's ok, comingalongnicely. She does want to know which one it is but I don't believe she'll go round and confront her or ring my works. I pointed out that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't dream of embarrassing her like that.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 20:42:16

It sounds like his wife is ok about it.

Where has "she isn't that bad about it" evolved into "she is bothered about someone at work" hmm

You are still dissing her, neil. Or not refuting others who are.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 20:43:08

Cross post. I take it back, neil.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Oct-13 20:44:00

My post of 20:42, that is

Chandra Sun 13-Oct-13 20:48:42

Neil, you have done the right thing, you have told your wife, you were clear about your intentions (or lack of). You both had agreed on a plan of action.

There's no need to convince anyone here about anything. Switch mumsnet off. And go and have a good rest. Tge problem is solved. :-)

TheFabulousIdiot Sun 13-Oct-13 21:52:06

I would still go on the Christmas do, if you wanted to that is.

CanadianJohn Mon 14-Oct-13 06:29:16

Neil, you have to remember that debating with some posters on Mumsnet is like mud wrestling with a pig. You both get covered with mud—and the pig likes it.

Fairenuff Mon 14-Oct-13 08:24:52

Yes, there is no reason for you not to go to the Christmas do.

You have told the woman you're not interested. You have told your wife that the woman is a pain.

Provided that you know for sure you are not going to 'accidentally' get involved in any way, then you should go if you want to.

This woman, or any other woman, can make a play for you if she wants, it doesn't mean that you will reciprocate. You are in charge of your own mind and body.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Oct-13 08:36:12

Yes, John, Neil sites likes that mid, don't he ? hmm

AnyFucker Mon 14-Oct-13 08:36:42

Must preview

Neil sure likes that mud

Wheatus Mon 14-Oct-13 09:35:26

I think you should leave the bastard.

Sunnysummer Mon 14-Oct-13 10:05:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnysummer Mon 14-Oct-13 10:06:59

Oops, totally wrong thread! Will get removed blushblushblushblushblush

Ps she's not that happy but agree that staying away is the best plan.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Oct-13 10:07:02

Lovely advice but wrong thread?

InsultingBadger Mon 14-Oct-13 15:52:51

This happened to my dp, he told me, we laughed about it, he told her he wasn't interested, then we nick named her his girlfriend! No trust issues here, it was all done and dusted fairly quickly and with good humour. Just be tactful and honest.

no trust issues and presumably no concern that your husband is hanging out on mumsnet talking about issues he doesn't talk to you about and subtly insinuating you're an irrational psycho who might 'kick off' if he communicated with you.

kinda like a half decent relationship then insultingbadger grin would def prefer your marriage to the ops.

Lucca22 Mon 14-Oct-13 17:19:17

It's a dirty little set up........just bored people with hmmm to do.

Lucca22 Mon 14-Oct-13 17:23:32

......and why has my post been taken off? Strange people about.

DeathStar Mon 14-Oct-13 17:25:16

"Dating other people" casually or otherwise, should stop after marriage/joining the Galactic Empire - that includes hanging out with workmates permitting speculation and nasty gossip to start, which could do damage to your own happiness.

Lucca22 Mon 14-Oct-13 19:01:38

Oh no......there it is, silly me. Yeah anyway, say that - it works every time!

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