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if you were legally allowed one moment of cathartic madness what would you do to your ex P?

(58 Posts)
redundantandbitter Sun 06-Oct-13 09:17:02

Bit of fun. Go on, join in. Mine would be dead boring. Go round to
His house, trash the things I BOUGHT and leave all his sex toys on the front step of his terrace. Petty, and will never do it, but it's a distraction from all the other crap daily thoughts. What would you do? (I tried to NC to backslidemyarse but didn't work ).

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:22:55

Not ex, current H.

Print pictures of the porn he's been using and post to every person who thinks he's a nice chap.
Let them see the sleazy sordid crap he watches because apparently 'we don't have sex enough'. Twat.

ZippityDoodahday Sun 06-Oct-13 09:30:29

Oh dear wotafarce Do not for one minute put up with that! angry

OK. So I'd tell exP's current P what an abusive (emotionally, physically, mentally) exP is. How terribly he treated me, etc. I really believe she'd be shocked/disgusted & leave him. But I won't bother. I'll let her figure it out herself. <happy days>

redundantandbitter Sun 06-Oct-13 09:36:32

Oh dear - porn is a WHOLE thread by itself isn't it? But I like your thinking!

zippity ouch! You think they change? You think my EXP's new yoga lady will mind his constant penny pinching, naval gazing and being at the beck and call of EXW. Oh to be a fly on the wall.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:45:57

Most men are arses.

Sorry, stroppy this morning! grin

oldgrandmama Sun 06-Oct-13 10:07:49

Well, I actually DID something to a 'D'H while we were married but he was carrying on with the trollop OW. It was in the 1970s and a lot harder for a mother with two young kids to leave and get any help at all, so - I'd stayed because he told me to 'put up or shut up' and if I left, he'd make sure I and the kids would never get a penny - what a prince! Anyway, he ran a business in our village, and used to take the OW to the office for sex. So one night, I got a bit demented on the outside of a few glasses of wine, called the Police and reported 'intruders' in his office! You should have seen his effing FACE when he eventually turned up home - the cops had barged into the office and caught them both with their pants down! Other things I did ... darning needles, pointy side up, embedded in the front seat of his car. And - this apparently caused a huge scene - a pair of specially bought tarty pants I tucked up behind the passenger mirror in front of the car, so when the OW adjusted her makeup before returning home to her husband, they fell down. The big screaming 'These are NOT MINE!' scene!

In case you're wondering, I heard all about these satisfying results of my sabotage when we were finally divorced and ex husband told me, bless! Only thing that didn't work was the darning needle stuff - pity, I'd have liked to have punctured OW's skanky arse.

ToTheTeeth Sun 06-Oct-13 10:18:27

OP for you I think the best catharsis would be to get over it and stop trying to prolong the drama. I read your original thread. You are blowing his behaviour out of proportion. Relationships end. Be kind to yourself and recognise this is normal.

mrsspagbol Sun 06-Oct-13 10:25:09

old the tarty pants mirror thing is legendary!

brokenhearted55 Sun 06-Oct-13 10:27:53

I have a naked picture of my most recent ex.....

Hmm minds starts running away!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 10:29:13

I think I would place mine in a Doctor Who type contraption that allows him to see himself exactly as others see him... It would totally screw his arrogant little mind. smile

Kernowgal Sun 06-Oct-13 10:32:26

I would make him eat only imported and out of season vegetables. That sounds mad, I know, but it stems (sorry) from him shouting "KNOW YOUR FOOD" at me (in front of his children) when I once dared serve him Spanish pak choi in a meal I had taken ages to prepare.

If his ex-wife is on here she will immediately recognise him from this and my username.

Oldgrandmama I bow before you. I am impressed!

Kernowgal Sun 06-Oct-13 10:33:45

Oh, and I'd make him spend money on clothes instead of living in his brothers' handmedowns and things he found in the street. Yes I am serious.

Punkatheart Sun 06-Oct-13 11:00:21

I would put my ex in a closed room where the only thing there is a mirror. He would be forced to look at himself for the rest of his life - look at the man who left his wife with cancer and didn't even call to see how his daughter (who now has serious mental health issues) is. The man who is now forcing us to sell our home.

Did I mention that there was no food and water in the room.

Blimey Kernow - he sounds a real peach. Where do we find 'em?

Kernowgal Sun 06-Oct-13 11:04:41

Punkatheart sad

Yeah he really was. I have a feeling he may be seeing someone new. Good luck to her, she'll find out what he's really like soon enough.

Makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 06-Oct-13 11:22:44

Nothing whatsoever because to do anything would give him the satisfaction of knowing that I cared tell his girlfriend that he is cheating on her then ram a toothbrush up nose

brokenhearted55 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:50:43

Makemineamalibu has the best idea though.

Whatever actions we took would only make them say think god I dumped her!

The best revenge is them getting another Shit relationship while they see us all nice and well behaved.

redundantandbitter Sun 06-Oct-13 12:10:57

totheteeth i hear you, but to me its a bit more than 'oh, my relationship has ended' so this thread is just a bit of imaginary escapism for me. Keeps me positive and start to look at some of his not-so-perfect attributes. . I'm hurt snd fed up. Of course it's better to keep your head, stand back and allow them to go f**k up elsewhere. Like I said ... This is just a thread for that naughty part of us .

usedandabusedthentossedaside Sun 06-Oct-13 19:02:54

If I could I would let them have all my memories of before and after the events and let em feel/experience all the pain that comes from that heartbreak and hopefully they might develop a sense of empathy and common decency.
But in reality no chance lol

TimidLivid Sun 06-Oct-13 20:20:58

Ooh a bit dark but have someone put this person in fear of their life and then when they needed comfort emotionally abuse them for six months, just so we would be equal just so they could feel what they had done cos its only fair. On a lighter note if his share of three kids nappies could drop from the sky on him all at once in an act of god .cos again partner are meant to do an equal share with the kids

Offred Sun 06-Oct-13 20:45:18

Honestly don't think I'd do anything because I'm such a wimp that each time I've had x troubles I've just felt really disappointed and sad that they couldn't behave reasonably with dc interest at heart. Wish I could find the appropriate hate reaction but can't seem to. Some of these are funny though.

Boosterseat Sun 06-Oct-13 21:09:52

Respect to oldgrandmama

That is the stuff of legends.

MardyPants Sun 06-Oct-13 21:18:20

You lot are all disappointingly nice.

I'd hit mine in the face when a shovel

I keep a shovel by the back door, just in case he's ever stupid enough to drag his snivelly, scrawny little arse onto my doorstep

Jagdkuh Sun 06-Oct-13 21:18:29

surely the best 'revenge' is to simply not care?

Dito Sun 06-Oct-13 21:22:28

Although I wouldn't lower myself to his depths.

I would like to do what a friend of mine did about 10 years ago. I would like to hide a piece of fish in his car and let it rot for months. Mind you, she went too far with the bag of sugar in his truck petrol tank.

Twinkleandbunty Sun 06-Oct-13 23:18:33

grin MardyPants

I would superglue a condom to his teeny tiny penis so that he doesn't father any more children.
He doesn't prioritise the one he's got already.
But unfortunately he's already managed to get OW pregnant angry

BodaciousTatas Sun 06-Oct-13 23:28:03

Tell him (and everyone else) the real reason I finished with him was because (a) he stank of piss as he only changed his pants 2-3 times a week (b) he could only get a semi but rather than talk it through he told me it was because I was blonde, he spent ages trying to get me to go brunette (c) he demanded that If I wanted to get out of bed at night because I could not sleep (mainly due to his 100 decibel snoring) I was to wake him and let him know (d) if I argued back wit him he would threaten to jump over the balcony, out the car etc (e) he stuffed sweet wrapper and food packets in places and blamed my dd

He told people he left me because I was hard to live with!!!

Meh I have my lovely shiny not quite so new dp snoring politely beside me, not stinking of piss that's all the revenge I need smile

GobbySadcase Sun 06-Oct-13 23:29:15

Bullet through the brain.

Yougotbale Sun 06-Oct-13 23:38:22

bodacious have your standards improved? Pissy partners can't be a good look for you!!

BodaciousTatas Sun 06-Oct-13 23:48:32

Trust me a sniff test was performed. Current Dp was meant to be a fun date (read as one night stand) he smelled good so got a second date grin where I feel totally in love with him. And as far as I know does not have an issue with blondes.

Last dp also joined a dating site literally a day after I threw him out, my friend had him come up in a search on her page, he said he was in to water sports, thing is he couldn't swim and was petrified of water. We created a profile and got chatting to him and tried to arrange a date of jet skiing and paddle boarding. When. I got bored of that I got into his profile (he was v crap at passwords) and changed everything to the truth, he had lied about his height, job, age and body type.

PiratePanda Sun 06-Oct-13 23:52:12

Have a few glasses of wine with his new DW and explain to her in great detail that no, our relationship breakdown was not all my fault, and has she not noticed he's done exactly the same to her only she's stuck because she's got 3 DCs under 3 and she's still in the honeymoon phase

MrsWilliamBodie Mon 07-Oct-13 00:01:22

I would like to borrow Cogito's contraption please and for my ex to truly realise just how disliked and ridiculed he is. There would need to be some serious anti-narcissism technology involved though.

I would also like him to realise, as Jagdkuh says, that I simply do not care or give him any headspace at all apart from this post ; that would really, really bother him.

He has tried to have an adverse effect on many parts of my life. Over the years, with the occasional help of a very good solicitor, I have closed off opportunities for him to bully me. The last remaining 'weapon' he thinks he has is that he pays very little CSA (£5 per week); he is such a money-obsessed tight-arsed freak that he couldn't ever imagine that it bothers me not one jot.

I would want him to really know that giving up a career, that could have earned him well over £1 million during DC's childhood, just to avoid giving me any money for child support, has actually hurt him a lot more than it has hurt me.

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 07-Oct-13 00:02:41

I'd force him to hand over his ccard & PIN & then make him come shopping with me & the DD;s & make him watch us blow his farking precious budget that he is SOOOOO anal about to the point of taking money away from them.

He could carry the bags. grin grin

AnyFucker Mon 07-Oct-13 00:04:39

I'd set up a tiny mirror trained onto the bald patch he can't see for himself so he had to walk around being made aware of it all day long.

Harmless to health but fuck it would kill his self esteem. What with him thinking he is a babe magnet < chortle >

Whatnext074 Mon 07-Oct-13 00:24:08

I'd post all the crusty socks that my H hid having 'pleasured himself into' while watching porn to his OW and tell her to wash them instead of them stinking my house out!

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 07-Oct-13 00:39:25

I would tell my ex boyfriend that when I see his face I don't see his face at all because a massive enlargement of his cock is superimposed wherever his head is. The only reason I hugged him last time I saw him was so that I didn't have to look at it again.

On second thoughts...no, I don't think I would ever tell him that (even if he is a complete and utter dickhead).

redundantandbitter Mon 07-Oct-13 07:33:24

OMG totally forgot about the crusty wank socks and bald patch.. Yes got those two things here also ! Urgh

DeckSwabber Mon 07-Oct-13 08:13:00

BodaciousTatas I'm not sure he meant jet-skiing and sailing when he said he was into watersports... ?

BelleOfTheBorstal Mon 07-Oct-13 09:00:25

I would hammer a stake through his heart.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 07-Oct-13 09:57:32

I'd tell all of the ex's family and friends the real reasons why we split up. And the way he treated me.

Then I'd empty his bank account. I still have all the log in details. And there is a SERIOUS amount of cash in there.

slug Mon 07-Oct-13 11:10:49

I would tell each of his subsequent girlfriends in full and very explicit detail his EA methods.

Actually, totally unprompted by me, a very good friend of mine (who he is a bit scared of and who he also fancies) does exactly that. She is quite blunt about his shortcomings to any new woman who has the misfortune to grace his arm. I, on the other hand, live half way round the world from his so her actions can never be construed as the moaning of a bitter ex. grin

whathappenedlastnight Mon 07-Oct-13 12:51:55

I have put hair removal cream in leave in conditioner

blush

JohFlow Mon 07-Oct-13 13:30:54

I would deliver his head in a pretty box to his mother with a note saying 'He was dead before I met him anyway'

Lweji Mon 07-Oct-13 18:22:13

I'd thoroughly enjoy it if he tried to attack me anywhere near my self defence class mates, particularly a selected few.

On the other hand, I've already done it by having another relationship since leaving him, getting my way in court regarding DS (not revenge, though), and te fact that I live in a nice flat and him at his parent's grotty council home.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 07-Oct-13 18:46:43

Totheteeth (I think that's what you're called). The op found out really recently that the man she loves is a low down two timing shit and yet reckon starting a thread in mn is being too dramatic?! Really?!?! Get a grip!!!!

Whatnext074 Mon 07-Oct-13 20:08:07

Why do men w*nk into a sock?! Why not do it in the shower or use something a bit more 'forgiving' than cotton/nylon mix?!

racmun Mon 07-Oct-13 20:19:15

I know for a fact he lies on his cv says he has Alevels and a degree but actually only 2 gcse's.
I would love to report him to his employer and watch the smug fucker lose his job.

It's very tempting....

Snapespeare Mon 07-Oct-13 20:20:15

I wouldn't do anything. He's already done it all to himself. :-)

BodaciousTatas Mon 07-Oct-13 21:15:40

DeckSwabber he was not interesting enough in bed to be into the other kind of watersports. He wanted me to get help nice because I suggested using a vibrator and a bit of bumming. blush

NettleTea Mon 07-Oct-13 21:22:03

I would send him back to his home country and have his passport revoked, plus have him put on security watch to never be allowed in the UK again

redundantandbitter Mon 07-Oct-13 21:28:05

whatnext074 the 'sock' thing must stem from crap student days no? But they do it in the work shower too. Nylon mix?Cashmere would be better methinks. A marketing idea in the making ?

Whatnext074 Mon 07-Oct-13 21:48:43

I understand the pleasuring bit and I don't have a problem with it personally but nylon/cotton mix? Surely you would use something a bit nicer and not leave them under the bed to stink the house out. It took me years to find out he did this and I hope his OW finds out his habit sooner and also has to wash his skid-mark pants - wipe your bum properly ffs! I'd post those to her as well - I found a pair in his drawer over the weekend - disgusting!

LovesPeace Mon 07-Oct-13 22:15:55

I would be charming.

One of the last things he screamed scowling at me was 'You're such a fucking nice person!', when I said I wouldn't cause him or the skanks any trouble.

The thing was, he was wracked with guilt and trying to blame me, so being nice was like stabbing his self esteem.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Oct-13 23:15:44

I have considered mocking up a letter from our local health centre saying that a sex worker has notified then that she is HIV positive, and his name is on the list of recent customers she has provided, asking him to attend for testing and counselling and strongly advising him not to have sex with anyone in the meantime.

redundantandbitter Mon 07-Oct-13 23:21:27

cabrinha you've really thought that through, haven't you? shock

Cabrinha Tue 08-Oct-13 00:26:41

I have! I really have considered it, except that I'm rather enjoying the moral high ground, and that thing about the best revenge being living well!
But he slept with prostitutes and I had to get tested. Including for HIV which can potentially lead to a fatal condition, though I know that the treatment these days is far more effective than in the 80s.
So there is a certain satisfaction in imagining him experiencing some of my fear. Arsehole.

Albert27 Tue 08-Oct-13 01:01:38

Ditto. The fact my ex will be lonely fit the rest of his life with only prostitutes for comfort is strangely comforting.

Albert27 Tue 08-Oct-13 01:02:15

*for

Lazysuzanne Tue 08-Oct-13 01:44:46

no need, he already orchestrated his own downfall.
Dug his own grave
his misery surpasses anything that I could have wished on him
I think it's a shame

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