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Have evidence of possible infidelity but no proof! help!(51 Posts)
26th aug I came downstairs in evening and saw my partner of seven years looking at a profile of a woman on his phone, there was some writing and then he flipped to a picture of her naked. I knocked on the window and disturbed him at this point. He wouldnt let me look at his phone, said it was just porn, he loves me, nothing to be worried about.
This got me suspicious, so checked his phone bill in the morning, 100's of calls to one number, some late at night. I text him asking who's number it was. He said a friend of his sons mum and dad. The texts were most days, always her and not me. Anyway eventually admits, he and this woman are friends. He said id never have accepted it so thats why he hid it. Felt so betrayed that it had been her and not me all the time. Anyway I decided to forgive this and try and move on, he swore they were just friends.
Fast forward 3 weeks, we've been making a go of it and quite happy at times, I open his bank statement and he'd joined an internet sex dating site on the 16th aug. That was obviously what I caught him looking at the night I became suspicious. I confronted him, he says he joined coz he was stupid, that he's never cheated. He said he felt guilty and cancelled his membership, but not until i caught him.
So here I am, i am devastated, he says he wants to prove he loves me, hes closed his sole bank accounts and wants us to get married. He is putting in more effort but part of me cant understand why now? I am shocked I know our relationship has been rocky, but i never saw this coming and I dont know if i can ever feel happy again. He is trying to act as if nothings happened and doesnt want me continually bringing it up. I suppose its worse because I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me when I found he'd been texting this woman and he said no, then i find the internet dating ;( Is there more i don't know. Its torture......
Oh please dont marry a man who suddenly wants marriage to prove he is not a cheating scumbag paying for live porn!
I think you know everything you need to know about this man. The question is, do you want to be in a relationship that has zero respect for you and is looking elsewhere for his sexual and emotional kicks?
What has closing his bank account got to do with anything?
I asked to see bank accounts for evidence of affair, he showed me three months worth, showed gambling and secret loans He closed it so he cant do anymore of that either. But no evidence of more internet dating fees. We have two kids and nearly 7 years of history so so hard to know what to do.
MrsP, there are so many red flags here... He is showing such disrespect for you. He may have closed a bank account - and opened another one. You are clearly very unhappy at what he has done. Can you take the risk of him doing it again?
OMG - get away from this man.
I can almost guarantee he did have sex with the woman he was having an EA with. He HAS cheated on you.
He lies his feckin' arse off!
Signs up to porn sites that he has to pay for.
Takes out 'secret' loans.
Do you really need anything else???
RUN FOR THE HILLS.
There are more red flags here than I've seen in a long time on MN.
Get out get out get out!!!
You have all the proof you need IMO.
I agree - don't marry him. You'll only be more 'trapped' emotionally and practically than you are now. He has shown you who he is - look! I wish more than anything I knew the real man I married - I probably wouldn't have - but at least I wouldn't be feeling tricked and used now.
It hurts like nothing else but hold your head up and be true to yourself.
How is he repaying his loans and his debts if he has no bank account?
Have you taken on the debts?
Will the bailiff turn up?
If you marry him, you will be financially linked. You must avoid that at all costs.
Sorry to read this Mrs P. sadly, if you've been around this board much you will see a script mentioned that most cheating OHs seem to follow. The problem is that you won't know it exists until its too late, as why would you.
Anyway, it goes something like this, deny, delete, minimise.
Deny there's anything going on
Delete phone and email evidence. Profiles on sites
Minimise, I only messaged, text, rang, only met one, only kissed blah blah blah. They will only admit to what they think they can get away with.
If you can, and this is very hard as you will be full of adrenaline
which makes my hands shake and I can't think straight you need to try and separate the emotion from the facts.
So, he joined site on 16 aug
You saw him on 26 on a profile
What dates were the phone calls to and from?
What was dating site
Have you checked emails. Hotmail. Yahoo.
Have you looked back through statements to see if there are any more payments. Is it Global Personals?
IRL I'm an analyst. I needed the facts. Or I would've taken the few facts that I knew and made some HUGE story up around them.
In actual fact in my case the truth was so bizarre I couldn't have flipping made it up, but that's a whole different story and now, today, I'm here to help you and hold your hand
thank you, I know what all the evidence adds up to, and how can i believe a word he says. But i feel i love him, and i'm not sure right now if it hurts more to be with him than to be on my own. My stomach is churning, I'm so upset its hard to function. And he doesn't understand why i cant move on and keep dragging it up. He says he paid for the internet dating so he could look at pictures, it was global personals. Theres enough free pron on the internet so it doesnt make sense! The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together
It doesn't make sense because he's lying MrsP.
The phone calls to other woman started 17th july,were very frequent and went quiet after he joined the dating site on 16th aug.
So you know for sure that
1. He has had an emotional affair
2. He was looking for sex online
3. He gambles
4. He takes out secret loans
5. He doesn't give a shit about how upset you are about any of this
Why do you think you deserve so little?
He treats you like shit and he's never going stop.
"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"
Just fucking no way.
Why are you even considering helping this louse to pay off his secret gambling debts?
He is a liar. Please don't tie your life to this man's.
"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"
Erm, no. He pays those back himself. OP just run away, please. Don't be that poster who's back in a year saying they married a complete tool who has cheated on them and squandered all their joint assets. You're better than this.
because we have a mortgage and share our income, so we will have to repay them or baliffs will come to the home of my children. I asked him to leave before but he refused, its a jointly owned home, and he will never go anyway. I want to forget and move on but its sooo hard
There are enough red flags here to carpet Red Square with.
Honestly you'd be better off on your own than be with someone like this person. The man you are also with is an extremely poor role model to your children as well.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this frankly awful role model of one?
What do you get out of this relationship now?. You may well "love" him or think you do but he is certainly not showing you the same considerations is he?. He thinks very little of you doesn't he. Such a type is happy to just have a mug looking after him along with having a roof over his head.
"The gambling debts we would have to arrange to pay back together"
So apart from a cheat he is a gambler to boot. How much money does he owe?. You likely do not know the full extent. Apart from anything else, why would you want to pay back his debt as well?.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news... Sadly you can look without paying. You can make a profile just to look. You have to pay to message people. Or at least men do. Women can reply to messages for free.
The site he was on is more than likely marital affairs.com or plentymorenaughtyfish.
When you get a message on the site it sends a notification to your email addy. Usually people make contact on the site then move to email (or IM) for further 'chatting'.
Have you checked emails inc sent and deleted.
I think you need to know what you're dealing with before you can make a decision as to what you're going to do moving forward.
I would hate for you to make a decision to stay based on the fact that he looked at a few naked women's profiles when really he has been an active member of a NSA dating site.
What has he been using the loan money for. Do I have evidence of gambling or is this what he has said....?
Don't tell me - he's a great father.
lol he is a great father, im such a mug i cant even believe it
"because we have a mortgage and share our income, so we will have to repay them or baliffs will come to the home of my children. I asked him to leave before but he refused, its a jointly owned home, and he will never go anyway. I want to forget and move on but its sooo hard"
Shared income?!. You are living with a gambler!!.
Only court appointed baliffs can take items away and only after a court order.
Such parasitic men never readily leave (he has it made so why change that he thinks), it will take you using legal means to get him out of this home. I would contact Womens Aid today and seek their advice as well. Some Solicitors can give you a free 30minute consult; seeking legal advice is something else I would do asap.
You can get rid of him, it will need a leap of faith as well on your part to do so. Is this really the life you want for your children?.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. The line that got me was 'he doesn't want me continually bringing it up'. In other words, he wants you to shut up about it for his own convenience, and doesn't want you asking awkward questions. He has no respect for you, or concern about how his actions have affected you.
Is that really the kind of relationship you want your children growing up thinking is normal?
No, he's the mug. He's just trying very hard to fog your brain.
Im never going to know the truth, thats why its hard. God why am i doing this to myself
You need to get some legal advice ASAP about financially separating yourself from this man.
He has been stealing from you and your children.
Good father my fat arse
The truth is what you decide it is.
Do NOT tie yourself to this loser by either marraige or financially. You are setting yourself up for a life of utter misery.
You might "love him", but there is nothing to "love" really is there?
Lying, cheating, gambling, more lying. If you have a DD is this what you woud wish for her?
You have evidence, it is what you are going to do about it that matters. Men accessing porn is bad enough without lying saying he has to pay to join a dating site to get it ffs.
but he swears he never cheated. how pathetic do i sound.... i want to believe him because the truth is possibly too awful
MrsP you can't just forget and move on because at the moment you're not absolutely sure exactly what it is that you're supposed to be forgetting.
Do u have a 'no more point', a deal breaker. What would make u hold your hand up and say no, no more. There must be something.
For some an EA would be enough, others a ONS, others a visit to a lap dancing club would spell the end. What's yours.
"the truth is possibly too awful"
The truth you KNOW ABOUT is too awful.
Whether he actually shagged that woman is hardly relevant when he is a man who you KNOW treats you like complete shit and steals from you so he can gamble and sign up to sex sites.
Your heart will break, either way. You can drag it out over years, or get it over with now. But it will never, ever be good. Ever.
You have the joint mortgage, and that sucks. But, you can deal with that. Again, you can take your medicine now or drag this shit out over a lifetime.
Better to spend a few months to a year dealing with heartbreak and financial fall-out than the rest of your life.
You decide what your bottom line is.
If it's multiple phone calls to OW he crossed it.
If it's joining a dating/NSA site he crossed it.
If it's accessing porn he crossed it.
If it's lying he crossed it.
if it's taking out secret loans he crossed it.
If it's secret gambling he crossed it.
if it's minimising and expecting you to get over a crisis in your relationship he crossed it.
You decide MrsP
Again, its his definition of cheating. What was he talking to OW about back in July. Was he ever 'missing' for an afternoon back then...?
What's your definition of cheating...?
They all say that. Probably swore on his mother's /father's life as well. That does not mean to say he is not lying.
The truth will set you free, not that you'll ever get anything close to that from him because he will continue to try and mess with your head giving you spaghetti head. You can only go by what you have seen from him and none of what you write re him is at all good.
He is a gambling, lying cheat of the first order.
What is there to supposedly love about such a man exactly?. What do you get out of this relationship?. I note you did not answer that at all so I can only assume you personally get nothing from it regarding him.
This is the point where so many of us who've been through the same old tired script have to do this:
Realise that you have to stop thinking (even temporarily) about WE and start thinking about I.
Katy is spot on.
He LIES to you (enough to make most people leave on its own)
He GAMBLES ( ditto)
He accesses PORN (ditto)
He has paid for a no strings attached DATING site (ditto)
He CONTROLS what you can say to him (DITTO)
He emotionally ABUSES you (ditto)
What exactly does he need to do to make not spend the rest of your lives in misery?
Maybe he didn't cheat but he's had inappropriate contact with OW. His intention is to go behind your back and possibly cheat, maybe he was just looking but if so, is that not bad enough?
Only you know if you can forgive and forget but I would think it's up to him to prove to you that he does actually want to stay in a relationship with you cos his actions say different.
The marriage talk is just a desperate act to try and pacify you, of course you're not even going to contemplate that and perhaps never will now.
Sorry wisey X almost identical post.
i just dont know. Some days i'm adamant I cant do it, other days are I want to be with him. The relationship hasnt been great, Ive been studying for last 3 years so that has been my priority, became neglectful of each other, unappreciative and he obviously metaphorically walked away. Now he says he realises he was wrong. Ive got to go to work now, Im not sure if posting has helped as I feel even worse hearing the words of others, but thank you x
Have as good a day as you can MrsP. I think you're bloody amazing for even contemplating going in to work whilst dealing with this - he's a fool.
Sorry we couldn't say what you wanted to hear MrsP. I hope you can understand what we can see?
Mrs P the last thing we want to do is make you feel worse. Sadly we have trodden this path before you. It's not easy. I also think you're bloody brilliant going into work with all this going on!!
One thing we are all trying to stress is that he will have minimised and only told you what he thinks he can get away with. I.e. you discover the global personal entry on the statement so he knows he's been had, so says he just looked. We know that isn't true. However, you may of believed that if u didn't know any better.
It is a very long road to stay and work through things. It all has to be absolutely talked through. Painful as that is. Irl I sometimes have to make decisions based on the information I have at the time. In these cases you have to have the information first to make your decision. I can think of at least three nights when we have been up literally All Night talkin talking talking. Bloody painful at times and I heard things I didn't want to hear, but it was the truth.
IMO you need the truth so u can move on.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP, surely nobody would pay for one of those sites if it was just to look at the pictures. There are lots of porny pics on the internet for free. If you believe that then you are be believing it because you want to, rather than it being credible. At the minimum he was fantasising about meeting up with someone for sex.
You're only a mug if you agree to pay off half of HIS debts.
Just because you share a house and mortgage doesn't matter.
You are NOT married so that's a good thing.
Get estate agents round to value the property.
Tell him it's over! You are selling the house and splitting the profits, if there are any.
You need out of this.
You know that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.
Get onto a solicitor asap and get the ball rolling.
Paying half his gambling and porn debts!!!?? I don't feckin' well think so!
Do not marry this man, please!!!
What happened to you OP in the past that has got you to this point?
When you were a little girl, did you ever think you'd want a relationship with someone who got you into debt, who messed aroud with other women (plural), who lied to you all the time, who used porn, who refused to give you space when you asked him to leave?
You don't need proof. It's overwhelming and what you do know is so bad that just one of these acts would be a dealbreaker for a woman who valued herself and had self-worth.
It's so sad to see a woman doing this.
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