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why do people cheat?

(72 Posts)
holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:20:37

I need to know what reasons there are if a relationship is sound and haopy.

OhDearNigel Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:52

Excitement (thrill of the chase impossible to replicate in long term relationship)

Thrill of dangerous situation

Flattery

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:55

Happy even.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:24:44

But some of us dont? Is it a self esteem issue?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:25:16

Opportunity & excitement.

Really, that is what it boils down to. It has very little to do with how happy the relationship at home is. Don't blame yourself for what he did sad

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:28:29

Ive had no valid reason. Just various such as: because you didn't move in. Because you were ill. Because I (he) was low because I was low. It wasnt me it was another me that doesnt exist.
There must be a real reason .

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:31:57

I think because for some people, the opportunity arises and some (like my H) will act on that and tie it up in various excuses to justify their actions. Some people like getting the attraction, the excitement that may have gone out of their relationship. It hurts like hell for the person they cheat on though sad

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:34:26

But he created the opportunity as far as I can see. He was the one doing most of the fishing. Sorry really yuck tonight. I feel like I need a reason. But I accept I suppose that I wont get one.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:35:29

You will drive yourself insane trying to find A Reason. There isn't A Reason.

It is just selfish, shitty, awful entitled behaviour. People do it because they are flattered, it's exciting, they don't think they'll get caught, they think their happiness is all that matters, 'why not'...

It isn't a 'Because of x thing' - it's a 'Why not?' thing.

I just want to hug you. I have been where you are and it's hell x

Windyone Thu 03-Oct-13 23:38:29

If a relationship is genuinely sound and happy then there is no cheating. If one partner cheats then surely the relationship isnt happy. There is no excuse for cheating.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:41:57

We were happy. We were getting married, not long engaged. He begged me to marry him and to move in. Maybe he wasnt happy but he swore he was.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:42:20

Thanks Chipping for the hug.

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:43:06

Are you okay holstenlips?

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:44:53

Yeah/No. Trying to be. Im ok sometimes and even feel good sometimes. But on a downer tonight. I just got wind of some more 'evidence' today. What a shit. :-(

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:45:28

Sorry holstenlips - cross thread, I see now that you are going through this and it wasn't just a question in general. I feel for you.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:46:17

I might set fire to my wedding dress at the weekend. And take a picture of it and leave it on his desk at work (not really)

ouryve Thu 03-Oct-13 23:48:06

I'm sorry, holstenlips, but, whatever he was saying, he won't have been happy. He might have been happy with you, but not necessarily with himself.

You'll do yourself no good trying to second guess him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:48:08

Yes - he is a shit sad He wont come clean, they don't - or should I say, very few of them do. There is no way of moving past this if he hasn't done that.

JoansRivers Thu 03-Oct-13 23:49:53

My brother cheated because he said he desperately didn't want to end his childrens' family life. But, he didn't love his wife or want to be with her. The affair was basically just him ignoring the problems and trying to find some happiness after several years of misery and unhappiness. Not that I'm excusing him, but his wife treated him like shit. The woman he met was also married and unhappy and gave him a boost when he needed it. Nobody found out and his marriage ended amicably in the end. After his experience, I don't now think all affairs are bad. [runs for cover]

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:50:28

I'm finally selling my wedding dress and accessories, it was the most important dress I wore and I was determined to keep it but now there's no point and I may as well get some money for it. I thought of throwing it in the bin but that wouldn't achieve anything for me.

Not sure if you want to give anymore information but is this the first time he's done this? Have you confronted him? Is it serious with his OW? Don't worry if it's too painful to go into detail at the moment but I am struggling myself and have found advice and support on here invaluable.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 03-Oct-13 23:50:48

because he is a twat who only thought of himself and his penis at that particular moment in time.

Hugs to you. You sound like you are really hurting, but please be assured that nothing you did caused this; it is his bad entirely.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:51:57

I'm really sorry, but I have to go now sad

Please try to get some sleep tonight and remember this is NOT about you - it's not anything to do with what you did, didn't do - it's nothing to do with anything you are or aren't - it is about HIM and his inadequacies sad

akaWisey Thu 03-Oct-13 23:53:07

Listen, he's done enough to mess your head up so please don't even try to 'understand' by looking for reasons.

Ball is in your court now. Make sure you hit it hard so HE understands exactly why he needs to feel very, very sorry.

JoansRivers Thu 03-Oct-13 23:53:16

I'm so sorry, I just read this properly and realised it is something you're going through and not just a general question. Please ignore my post. It will sound heartless and harsh. Hope you're okay.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 03-Oct-13 23:54:05

Joan what was the purpose of posting that? Does it help the OP in anyway or did you just feel like putting the boot in? FFS. THINK.

holstenlips Thu 03-Oct-13 23:57:34

No its ok my fault as I have a thread and ive started another ..not the best idea! Im ok. I will be ok. Just my head questioning everything tonight. Thanks all x

FrancescaBell Fri 04-Oct-13 00:28:15

Oh I've known several people who were happy in their relationships who cheated. Happy with themselves as individuals? Maybe not so much, but in some cases this was more to do with their own inadequacies, failures and life disappointments and an inability to admit them- to themselves or their partners.

In others, it was simply about opportunity. As a pp has said, more a case of 'why not?' than 'why would I?' Especially vulnerable to that sort of thing were the quiet, self-effacing ones who had never had much luck attracting admirers, so when one turned up all hell broke loose at the sheer novelty of having a 'suitor'.

Of course, I've also known people use affairs to leave unhappy home situations, but that wasn't what you were asking about, was it?

The most important thing is not to think this was a lack in you, or your relationship with the man who's hurt you. I think it's hard to get to grips with how such a life-changing event can have such banal motives, but it's the truth.

A big hug to you OP. thanks

Menwithouthemingway Fri 04-Oct-13 00:58:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FrancescaBell Fri 04-Oct-13 01:07:46

The footballer Eric Cantona made a statement to a packed press conference after his ban from football for assault on a fan:

When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

Nope, no-one understood that either although I'm sure Eric thought he too was being very profound wink

MissScatterbrain Fri 04-Oct-13 06:55:33

Here's a good article explaining why people cheat.

Usually because of their own inadequacies.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 07:06:56

Thanks MissSB will have a look x

Elastoplaster Fri 04-Oct-13 07:11:54

FB, I've always thought that Eric meant the trawler shouldn't be deluded into thinking the seagulls were interested in it; they are only interested in the sardines; which when you apply that to relationships...

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Oct-13 07:44:01

The reasons for cheating are as varied as the individual. Everything from malice to selfishness to impulsive opportunism to thrill-seeking to low self-esteem... right up to those who genuinely believe they have fallen in love with someone new and found their soul mate. You can't actually get inside their head so you don't know that they are thinking, including incidentally whether they really were happy in the relationship or whether they were simply doing a very good impression of happy.

Sorry if this has happened in your relationship but, when it comes to emotions, the only truth you can really rely on is your own.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 07:46:52

True Cog. Im not obsessing so much about it this morning. Late nights do me in.

SoupDragon Fri 04-Oct-13 07:48:18

Fundamentally, I think the reason people cheat because they are selfish twats and don't care about anyone other than themselves. There may be many different excuses given, but they are not a reason.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:08:56

Holsten IMO, people cheat because they feel they are entitled to tit, whatever internal justification system them have allows them to find their own loopholes to justify shitty behavior.

Not every case is the same, it isn't always black and white but I've followed your other thread and in your particular case, it really is because he is inadequate.

I hope you got a good nights sleep flowers

Lizzabadger Fri 04-Oct-13 08:14:35

Because they have a sense of entitlement.

It might not feel like it now but trust me, you are well rid of someone like that.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:15:17

entitled to tit blush oh for ducks sake.

It.

grin

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 08:19:58

:-D Booster. He thinks hes entitled to many tits!!
I think, from what other women at work have told me, he has a compulsion. Maybe because he has a tiny cock. (Sorry) im ok. Off to work. Brave face on and heels x

Onebuddhaisnotenough Fri 04-Oct-13 08:21:02

When your husband cheats on you Joan, please do come back and share your feelings.
And at the very least RTFT angry

OP he did this. Because he's a selfish entitled git. You deserve so much more.

maleview70 Fri 04-Oct-13 08:21:03

Windy- that's not neccesarily true especially where men are
Concerned.

A friend of mine who is extremely happy with his wife has just had a 4 week fling with a girl he met on a course. It's over now as he realised what was at stake but he described the feeling he had while in the affair as completely Intoxicating. This was a girl 20 years his Junior and classic MLC but it can happen when you are happy.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 08:27:15

<watches Holsten sashay away with her heels looking awesome>

I think you're awesome Holsten, you have so much more to offer than that prick, you have class.

cupcake78 Fri 04-Oct-13 08:30:11

I think it depends on the nature of the cheating. EA and one night stands and sexual affairs are all different. As are people and their relationships.

The one thing they all have in common is attention.

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 08:35:30

People cheat because they don't care enough about their partner not to.

Sorry, but that's the bottom line. They can be happily married, they can love their partner, they can want to stay with their partner. But at that moment, they don't actually care enough about their partner.

Emma Thompson put it so well in The Tall Guy - when he said it meant nothing to him - 'Yes, but when you were with her, I meant nothing to you'.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:35:14

Oh god :-( im at work only my 3rd day back after 2 months off with depression and I cant cope seeing him. Crying at my desk again

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:35:38

Oh god :-( im at work only my 3rd day back after 2 months off with depression and I cant cope seeing him. Crying at my desk again

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 12:45:39

He wasn't fit to lick your boots Holsten, I think its high time you spoke to your supervisor and seek support at work.

MN nest of vipers are here for you, i for one am not going anywhere.

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 12:55:49

Thank you x

Kaluki Fri 04-Oct-13 12:56:47

I've often wondered why and can only come up with one reason - because they are selfish and dishonest!
Don't cry at your desk, I know it's hard but take a deep breath, hold your head high and act like you don't give a shit ... then fake it till you make it !!
thanks so sorry you are going through this

holstenlips Fri 04-Oct-13 15:29:16

Its so difficult working together. I ended up raising my voice at him in the office :-( and then even worse I swore at him (piss off) and a customer heard me. I will probably get fired :-(
Im going to have to tell someone everything.
Hes a cheat and always has been .I feel sick everytime Isee him. He was begging for another chance but anyway theres no point as I dont feel the same about him now. I never knew him
Cheating and lies just to boost his self esteem. Mines through the floor right now.

Ilovebreakfast Fri 04-Oct-13 15:35:35

You deserve better. This is a pain you have to go through. Hard as it is accept the upset and you will eventually reach a better place. It is a healing process.
No one especially a lying, cheating toad is worth feeling like this for. Be brave.

Yougotbale Fri 04-Oct-13 16:10:29

I think people cheat because monogamy isn't natural. However, that is not an excuse to do so when someone is a commited relationship.
I think many long term relationships fall in to friendship, companionship or familiarity.
I think many relationships have a natural lifespan. I believe this is much shorter than a human adult life time. I believe that because too much is invested in these relationships, be it financial, personal sacrifice, time, friends and family. It can cause resentment. I believe relationships as we know will evolve. You see this more with divorce and people marrying 2,3,4 times.
However, this structure does not condone cheating. Relationships should be ended at there correct time.

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 16:54:50

Did you go and have a chat with HR or your supervisor? The best thing you can do is go and apologise to your supervisor, explain the situation and ask for support in this difficult time.

Practice some deep breathing and if you feel like its getting too much just pop off the loo/make a brew etc and regroup.

Once the grief lifts (and it will!) you will start to feel better. Everything is so raw at the moment and its ok, you are allowed to lick your wounds.

Tomorrow is another day and another 24 hours dickhead free
<does a little dance for you>

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 17:24:44

I think people cheat because monogamy isn't natural

No, people choose not to commit to one person because monogamy isn't natural. People move from relationship to relationship because monogamy isn't natural. People have more than one partner at a time because monogamy isn't natural.

But lying about it is completely selfish.

Telling a person you are faithful when you are not is a calculated choice.

chibi Fri 04-Oct-13 17:26:48

dh hasn't touched me in a year, i am trapped with him (long story) and he has completely shafted us financially

sometimes i think about finding someone who could be kind to me, to my body. i miss intimacy.

Yougotbale Fri 04-Oct-13 17:33:47

Fairnuff - that's what I said in the next line.

I do think people stay In relationships too long.

Yougotbale Fri 04-Oct-13 17:35:07

Chibi - split up and do it

chibi Fri 04-Oct-13 18:18:24

i can't, trapped. all i need to do is wait until my desirability to other men is nil. it happens to everyone eventually. if that sounds joyless, its because it is. i am trying to keep busy with other things to avoid thinking about how much i hate how my life is at the moment.

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 19:19:22

Chibli that is your choice. There are other choices.

catameringue Fri 04-Oct-13 20:09:10

I read an article about men being unfaithful, where the writer had interviewed lots of men who cheated.

One of the main reasons appeared to be a belief they could get away with it and that partner would forgive them.

I personally think men cheating can be an over confidence thing. They are secure in their relationship, think they are the bees knees, think they can do better, and forget how lucky they were to be with partner in the first place.

str8tothepoint Fri 04-Oct-13 20:24:03

Cos they don't really care or love you

Lizzabadger Sun 06-Oct-13 09:06:22

... and they love themselves more.

Lizzabadger Sun 06-Oct-13 09:08:29

Chilbi unless he is actually keeping you prisoner in the house you are not trapped. I don't understand what you mean about "having to wait until my desirability to other men is nil".

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sun 06-Oct-13 13:13:24

I cheated on a partner because he did not seem interested in sleeping with me, so I went looking elsewhere and can I be honest and say it was the best sex I have ever had xx

MissScatterbrain Sun 06-Oct-13 13:39:35

life - the best way of dealing with lack of sex is to end the relationship first and then move on.

By cheating, you have lost the moral high ground - you will have lied and put your partner at risk of STDs etc.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sun 06-Oct-13 13:48:14

Hi Miss Scatterbrain. I agree no argument. I should have ended the relationship before I went out and cheated but I can't go back in time. However I did end the relationship a few days later. I just said. I don't think we're right for each other yada yada. I did not put him at any risk as we never slept together. xxx

Lucca22 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:09:25

Men cheat because they think they are bl**dy irresistible and can't understand why their wife and children doesn't understand this. Once they do step over the line it's usually too late to go back and most regret the life changing move emotionally and finically. In other words they listen to what mr wiggle wants and boy does it get them into trouble!

Lucca22 Sun 06-Oct-13 18:22:16

Joan sounds very supportive sister-in-law! Going through the same thing and I have to say the sister-in-law is turning out to be a right cow but no change there.

LovesPeace Sun 06-Oct-13 19:40:21

You have to remember there are special men who are blameless when they cheat; my ex told me it wasn't his fault as he was a psychopath.
grin

I'm now dating a lovely man, and ex seems very unhappy.

Lucca22 Sun 06-Oct-13 20:32:33

LovesPeace......that's about right Ha, Ha. Can I say, at least he's honest.

LovesPeace Sun 06-Oct-13 21:32:42

I laughed too, Lucca22, then told him he was just a tw*t.

Oddly, he developed emotions then, as he flounced out slamming the door.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are well rid of yours. I've never been happier. smile

Lucca22 Sun 06-Oct-13 21:58:43

I'm sure I will, LovePeace...mine caused nothing but trouble, you couldn't do anything right, especially when it came to his beloved family. Even sighted it for the reason in the divorce "I was never nice to his mummy, daddy and baby sister". The fact he's been screwing this new bit....it's a joke. He'd do anything for a shag, which is the most hurtful thing about it all because here's me thinking I was the light of his life!

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