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Bloody H looking at porn on pc

(159 Posts)
wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 20:30:54

Am so mad; he knows I don't approve. I know he uses it, he has done for years but he always makes sure the history is deleted.

Just found some that he's looked at today and it was she-male stuff FFS amongst 'normal' porn. Usually it's 'asian babes'.
Wtf is that all about?

He's very techy and there's nothing in the folders on the pc (that I can see). Nothing on the history or temp internet files either, yet this stuff is on the recently changed files of both his & MY profile (which is how I found it when looking for one of my docs).

I feel like printing the stuff and posting it to everyone who thinks he's a nice chap. Fatheaded Twat that he his.

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:31:15

Right, I have got copies so he can't deny & will confront when he's home tomorrow (he's on nights).

joblot Thu 03-Oct-13 22:34:53

And what do you want to happen after the confrontation?

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:40:45

Ideally, stop - I know that won't happen though. Just feel pissed that it's on the pc where I've discovered it. It's kind of out of sight out of mind if it's not there in front of me.

I'm also mad 'cause he doesn't respect my point of view.

joblot Thu 03-Oct-13 22:50:22

If it's a massive deal perhaps you need to plan your approach a bit more. Is it a deal breaker? I've not been in your position so can't give workable advice. Hopefully someone who has will see this and contribute something more practical

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 22:57:03

I'm angry 'cause he's lazy and has been wanking to porn when there are lots of jobs to be done - things that have been waiting years to be done.

He's gay? Or at the very least Bi?

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:37

I've always had a slight suspicion he might be Unlikely, no real reason - just a gut feeling.

Whatnext074 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:28:38

I know that some men look at what could be classed as 'extreme' porn because it is such a drastic break from reality so to them, it's not really a reflection on the relationship they are in. I also know some straight women who like to look at lesbian porn but that doesn't necessarily mean they have lesbian tendencies themselves.

I think if it is bothering you then you should have a calm conversation with him but be prepared for him being defensive as like a teenager, he has been 'found out' doing something you consider to be naughty.

I would like to think that him looking at this type of porn isn't a reflection on your own relationship.

wotafarce Thu 03-Oct-13 23:57:28

Thank you, I'll try & remain calm (not my greatest attribute) & see what he says.

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 04:13:05

I agree with joblot in so much as I'm unclear what you want the outcome to be. At the moment you sound like a parent angry with a son. You sound angry that he's not hidden the porn well enough rather than a fundemental disagreement over using it in the first place.
Apart from telling him off, what do you actually want to happen, given that you can't force him to stop?

cronullansw Fri 04-Oct-13 05:29:07

Why the taken for granted assumption that he's masturbated to this?

All of you ladies who admit to watching porn occasionally - a question, do you masturbate to it, or just watch it?

I was watching the Americas cup last week, I enjoyed it too. But I didn't break out all my nautical gear for some dress up and head off to the lake for a sail

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 07:02:04

Vivacia - I am angry he hasn't hidden it; I don't want to have to be confronted with that. If I can't stop him then he should have the courtesy to make sure I don't find it.

Cron - I never watch porn.

Vivacia Fri 04-Oct-13 07:07:53

That doesn't seem very healthy. You could argue that if watching porn is acceptable in your relationship (and it is, because you're accepting it) he shouldn't have to hide it.

oohdaddypig Fri 04-Oct-13 07:19:23

Sympathy, OP. you sound very angry. I would be too. I think you need to work out what you are most angry about.

- the fact it's she-man porn
- the fact he watches any porn
- you are ok with the mainstream porn but not how you found it

It sounds to me like you could live with 2, above but 1 and 3 are more problematic?

I think you need to base any conversation on the exact nature of your concerns and if one of those is that he might be bisexual, you might want to proceed when you feel calm.

I think the poster mentioning sailing is very unhelpful. You are not comparing like with like and finding "she-man" porn is particularly distressing.

I don't watch porn. I find it degrading. I know occasionally my DH looked at it before we were married and I was ok with that. He hasn't looked at it in ages but we would have an open discussion if he did. I dislike anything covert like this.

Good luck

Mojavewonderer Fri 04-Oct-13 07:43:44

I agree with daddypig. I just find the whole thing lazy, disrespectful and degrading but that's just my opinion. I think you need to have a frank talk with your husband about how you feel and be honest. You also need to decide on a blanket ban or he is allowed to watch but be open and honest about it because I think letting him watch it but he must hide it from you is damaging in a way.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 07:51:21

Do you have kids ? If you came across evidence of his porn use, could any dc in the house do the same ? How would you and he feel about that ?

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 08:03:47

The reason he hides it from history etc is because I once used the pc & when I started typing, some porn sites he'd used were in the browser. I was furious 'cause our kids were younger then & could have found it.

Just p'd off he needs to do it. He'll say its because we don't have much sex; the reason for that is because he's a lazy git & I don't want sex with someone who doesn't pull their weight. Vicious circle.

Off to talk to him then work, won't be back until this afternoon.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 08:05:58

So your kids could have easily found it

Deal breaker

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 08:14:15

This stuff wasn't in history or temp int files but showed up on recently changed doc & I found it when looking for something I knew I'd done the day before.

He'll say it wasn't where they'd find it easily. He's in the shower, just back off nights. Waiting to talk, feel a bit sick. sad

FoxyHarlow123 Fri 04-Oct-13 11:34:05

Just because you don't approve doesn't make it inherently bad. Some people really are living in dolly daydream land if they think that men (and women of course) don't look at porn. Of course they do. It doesn't make them deranged animals. Jesus wept. The number of posts that come up on here saying, I found my OH looking at porn. Well blow me down and pass the smelling salts. Someone had better phone the papers and tell them to hold the front page.

dhisawanker Fri 04-Oct-13 11:47:09

My stbx looks at she male porn. He in fact got the sack for downloading it at work. He was also on a lot of sex sites looking for sex in our area. He put his orientation as bisexual. Please be careful. I am now in the process of divorcing the twunt after spending 4 hours in a sexual health clinic crying my eyes out

Boosterseat Fri 04-Oct-13 11:51:19

Ah dolly daydream land, where the wimmins put up with letchy men and keep our eyes averted.

Put up and shut up.

They all do it anyway.

hmm

comingalongnicely Fri 04-Oct-13 11:56:15

The shemale stuff may just be popups that came up when he was looking at the other stuff, or mis-clicks. "Asian Babes" is quite likely to be in close proximity to that kind of stuff.

Not being daft, but if sex isn't on the cards very often why do you have a problem with him letting off steam? I can't see a 5 minute wank stopping him from doing much DIY TBH & surely it's better than him pestering you endlessly for sex you don't want?

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 16:01:37

Right I'm back.

Firstly Foxy - FUCK OFF. I have not said he's a bad person/deranged. I know men/women use porn - doesn't mean I have to agree with their choice, because they DO have a choice to view, unlike the (often) poor sods who are coerced into the sex trade.

comingalongnicely - I have no problem with him wanking, but instead of using porn he could use his imagination - oh wait, he doesn't have any.

I do not want to be confronted by porn links on my pc, ta very much.

He said what I expected, not enough sex, blah, blah, bloody BLAH. Denies he's gay/bi. What a TOSSER.

OP, it sounds like there are more issues in your relationship than the porn one which is where your focus is.
You sound angry with him, what else is going on apart from the porn? You've mentioned that he wanks to porn instead of doing jobs, I'm assuming you mean jobs around the house? So he's lazy? That does cause a lot of resentment on its own.
Do the two of you talk about your issues?
I understand that the porn is problematic for you but it's not just about the porn is it? Is the relationship worth saving?
(oh and btw tell him to get his own pc or device if he's going to watch porn on it - ignoring the rights and wrongs of porn use it's the best way to get a virus anyway).

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 16:58:49

HerdyHerdwick - you are right, there's a raft of issues; most I cope with but the porn really, really makes me angry.
He is financially abusive, pays for everything except food but I have no say in how the finances are dealt with. House in his name, (he had it when we got together) insists we continue to live here even though I'd like to move.
He is lazy, won't do 'his' chores. I run the house but don't have much left over after food bought to spend.
House /holidays don't happen unless he approves. I've spent the last 20 yrs putting up with this 'cause I can't face 'Told you so'.

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 17:07:47

Also, he has a hobby which he's totally absorbed in which I'm supposed to just tolerate - our whole life is dictated by this bloody hobby (which he took up after we married). It literally consumes his every waking hour.

Think that's it - sorry for the rant.

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 17:09:59

Oh, and once he took a photo on his phone of some random woman's arse, cheeky fucker.

joblot Fri 04-Oct-13 17:27:42

It sounds as if you don't like him much. Which isn't that surprising

zatyaballerina Fri 04-Oct-13 17:35:00

I think you have bigger problems than his watching porn. When you have problem after problem with someone, it only takes one more small wrong to blow your fuse. It's not really the porn, it's the fact he doesn't share your values, doesn't respect you as you wish he would, is controlling, domineering and forces your life to revolve around him and his interests.

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 18:21:37

joblot & zatyaballerina - you are both so right.

IslandMoose Fri 04-Oct-13 18:22:56

Leave him - it will be doing both of you a favour.

contortionist Fri 04-Oct-13 18:34:28

If he's making you miserable, you can leave him. You don't need to manufacture rows over porn to justify it.

comingalongnicely Fri 04-Oct-13 18:37:39

I don't think the porn is the issue & you know it.

You need to sort your attitudes to each other out & find out if you even have a relationship under all the animosity before you worry about what wanking material he chooses to use.

Good Luck anyway.

FoxyHarlow123 Fri 04-Oct-13 18:48:11

Wotafarce - Lol, good on you for the fuck off. I admire your spirit!

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 19:12:28

Gee Thanks Foxy hmm

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 19:17:45

He's blamed you for his dodgy porn use ?

That is out of order.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 19:20:12

wot who is going to say "I told you so" if you bail on this dickhead ?

and does it matter, really ?

they don't have to live with it

one life...yeah ? Is this how you want to live it ?

eurochick Fri 04-Oct-13 19:27:00

I don't understand the anger I see on here about this issue. It's just pictures/videos of bits and fucking. Not the antichrist. But as it is for you, and there seem to be some other issues, enjoy your confrontation. Your relationship really doesn't seem very healthy and pleasant for either of you. I think there is more at play here than just some internet porn.

wotafarce Fri 04-Oct-13 19:53:49

I have kids doing A levels so don't want the fall-out & as he's Mr Lovely Laid Back & I'm the disciplinarian, they'll choose to stay with him rather than me.

I guess in a few years they'll have gone to uni & so will I.

comingalongnicely Fri 04-Oct-13 22:44:10

Well, don't know about him, but you're not coming across as having a bundle of laughs. Can't honestly see why you're staying if you're that angry. Surely it'd be better all round if you went your own ways?

As a stop gap how about creating different passworded profiles for you all on the laptop - that way the kids, or you, won't see any sites he's visited.

LaQueenForADay Fri 04-Oct-13 23:06:00

Well, I'm pretty meh about porn, really. But, aside from that it sounds like you truly dislike your DH anyway OP, and this porn stuff is just one of many, many reasons for you to hang your hatred on.

LordElpuss Sat 05-Oct-13 05:52:06

How can any woman be "meh" about porn hmm

Vivacia Sat 05-Oct-13 07:22:33

How can any person be 'meh' about porn?

LordElpuss Sat 05-Oct-13 07:50:03

Fair point, Vivacia.

comingalongnicely Sat 05-Oct-13 08:11:56

Sorry, I'm 'meh' about porn. it's there to perform a function and it does...

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 09:19:42

I wonder what would happen if there was no porn; would people explode because they had no outlet for their desire???

Hmmm, I wonder...

LordElpuss Sat 05-Oct-13 09:32:13

and what about the women (and men) who are there to "perform a function" - often against their free will?

And the negative influence it has on young people? Meh about that too?

LaQueenForADay Sat 05-Oct-13 09:38:05

I am completely meh about whether my DH watches porn or not. I actually have no idea, either way...but even so I am generally meh about it.

Grennie Sat 05-Oct-13 09:39:50

There are a lot of issues in your relationship.
He is financially abusive.
He expects you and your DC;s to revolve around his hobby
He watches porn AND leaves it on the PC were DCs could find it
He doesn't respect your views.
He is lazy and doesn't do many chores

Personally the porn use would be enough of a deal breaker for me.

mrswarbouys Sat 05-Oct-13 09:39:57

It's understandable you're angry at him. It does make you feel inadequate. Several blokes I've been with wanked and watched porn. Men love the visual. That doesn't mean they're going to cheat or be an arse to you though..

Grennie Sat 05-Oct-13 09:41:27

Buoys, that is not what the OP is objecting to. Like many of us she objects to porn because it is exploitative of women.

You may not agree, but she deserves to have her views respected.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 09:57:25

LaQueen - you might think you're 'meh' about your DH watching porn... until you know he is.

LaQueenForADay Sat 05-Oct-13 09:59:30

I've had other partners who sometimes used porn wot ...I was meh about that.

Grennie Sat 05-Oct-13 10:03:22

If you had read anything about the realities of the porn industry and how women are treated within it, I hope you wouldn't be meh about it.

Read PornLand by Gail Dines

fortyplus Sat 05-Oct-13 10:08:41

Apologies if I've missed something, but has he paid for porn? That would make all the difference for me. If he's just been a twat and skimmed through free sites out of curiosity that would be a world away from fuelling the exploitation of women by paying for it.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 10:17:35

fortyplus - I don't know, a message box appeared on one of the pages from someone and it said 'this site says you're near me' so I'm imagining he's entered some details of locality (message said the person was 3.5miles away).

Not sure if it's random stuff that's appeared or not. I've told him I want to see bank statements etc as finances are separate.

Tbh, my feelings are the same whether he paid or not.

fortyplus Sat 05-Oct-13 10:25:11

I think he may well see it as 'harmless' if he hasn't paid.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 10:25:25

FP, "scrolling around the free sites" is "paying for it"

Like every other site, they have advertisements that fund them

So, using free sites is financially assisting the porn industry just as much as directly paying for it

fortyplus Sat 05-Oct-13 10:27:04

My pc knows my location - well roughly anyway - it's all down to your internet provider. When I took 'married' off my facebook profile I suddenly started getting adverts from dating agencies and local divorce lawyers

fortyplus Sat 05-Oct-13 10:28:13

AF I'm not in favour - I'm just saying that he will justify it as harmless if he hasn't paid

alacarte Sat 05-Oct-13 10:30:15

when you're going weeks without sex because your H watches porn it's very hard to be 'meh' about it.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 10:30:57

Fair enough, FP, and I agree with you. It's not how your 10:08 post came across though.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 10:45:55

I can't understand why there's no history or temp internet files, but these pages are in Recently Changed on the pc.

Wouldn't they disappear off the pc when history & temp files were deleted?

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 13:03:43

Mine was on porn sights nearly every night before he left. It was like watching an over-revved old banger of a car with the hand break on, until he let go of the thing and crashed into the mother of brick walls.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 13:13:50

That has actually really made me laugh Lucca22

I bet they do look bloody ridiculous wanking away to a screen.
Well, I've told him that's the last of his sex life with me, not my problem anymore.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 13:27:22

My exhusband and this coworker who's 20 yrs his junior are at it like rabbits by all accounts. He said he's truly in love with her, it's the funniest thing because she's still at home with her husband a youngster. I know, seedy........but that's the name of the game. Nothing to do with money, which she wont get her grubby little hands on, cause I'm not moving out of the house. The slags think they can chuck me and my family out onto the streets. Watch him, it sends them quite bonkers!

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 14:23:49

Lucca, you sound delightfully a bit bonkers yourself grin

BelaLugosisShed Sat 05-Oct-13 16:25:38

So LaQueen, if your dd's were on his phone / ipad and up popped some lovely "gagging" porn or 18 year old girls being slapped about by a couple of blokes, you'd still be a bit "meh" and cool about it all would you?
My DD had to deal with a 14 year old girl in her class crying her eyes out because some boys had a porn clip on a phone and were saying it was her - she sent the boys straight to the Head after telling them how appalling their actions were.

I don't think that's anything to be "meh" about personally.

Chubfuddler Sat 05-Oct-13 16:30:59

TBH op porn is the least of your problems in this relationship. Don't cling on until the children leave home. End it now.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 17:20:24

I think women who are meh about their partner's utilisation of the sex industry have simply given up because they know it is a choice they don't have, tbqh

comingalongnicely Sat 05-Oct-13 17:32:26

I think you're putting your views on to other women. Just because you feel about it that way, it doesn't mean every other woman does.

OhBabyLilyMunster Sat 05-Oct-13 17:33:51

Spot on as usual AF

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 17:35:55

I will NEVER change my views on porn.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 17:51:49

For every woman that comes on to say meh about her male partner's use of the sex industry, you could say the same thing, CAN. It's just another example of how women are silenced.

Me neither wot I admire you for your stance.

Kernowgal Sat 05-Oct-13 18:12:10

I'm willing to bet that your kids would choose to live with you, wotafarce. They may be more aware of what a wanker (sorry) your DH is than you realise.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 18:15:40

AnyFucker, why thank you. I am and proud of it, there is bonkers, nice and bonkers nasty. My husband is the nasty variety, he looks and plays the part of the greasiest porn star with the grace and finesse of a Liverpool docker. He thinks he's got it all, probably has but that would take a trip to the STD clinic.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 18:16:55

Lucca grin

onefewernow Sat 05-Oct-13 18:23:57

Lucca! Funny.

TunipTheUnconquerable Sat 05-Oct-13 18:45:47

I don't think being 'meh' about a partner's porn use is an ok ethical position.
It's very hard for porn users to be sure that absolutely none of the women they're watching have been trafficked or coerced. Unless they are taking provenance very seriously and have enough understanding of the industry to be absolutely certain, most porn users are likely to be either naïve, in denial or not giving a shit about this.
It's one thing to be chilled about your partner getting off thinking about other women. Fine, you're confident he fancies you, it doesn't bother you, that's cool. But porn means actual women being filmed so this isn't something that only involves the two of you.

reelingintheyears Sat 05-Oct-13 19:01:41

I just asked DD who is 25 about this, she would be disgusted if her partner was watching pornography and said it probably would be a deal breaker.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 05-Oct-13 19:20:10

Yep, my DD is 23 and says the same, but then she's got a father who isn't a porn user and is a supporter of feminism.

reelingintheyears Sat 05-Oct-13 20:15:15

Same here BelaLugosi.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 20:34:01

reeling & Bela, you are both to be congratulated on raising daughters who would not tolerate porn use.

OhBabyLilyMunster Sat 05-Oct-13 20:39:49

I am delighted to find we are getting to a stage where women can stand up and say porn is a deal breaker.

Less than a year ago I posted an issue relating to husband using poem and whilst I got some lovely supportive replies., I also got asked if I was shagging him enough and had I lost my baby weight?

Times are changing now, I can feel it...

Vegehamwidge Sat 05-Oct-13 20:53:54

I agree Lily, I'm glad that OP herself is adamant and that she has gotten support. Obviously this relationship has other problems too, but women really shouldn't have to accept porn use.

cjel Sat 05-Oct-13 21:01:36

I'm pleased I don't have to be a'weird' minority for being against all the porn industry stands for now either. OP I wouldn't think you are showing dcs a good example living with a man you don't like, they are old enough to know whats going on in your marriage and they will understand. Mine told me to leave him for years. they weren't stupid and both say I'm easier to get on with since we split.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 21:26:57

You're probably right cjel, but that's the way it is for now.

I have no doubt I'll leave once the DC do.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 21:36:06

If you would want your children to take it up as a profession then it makes it ok. My husband would say, well it's their choice - it shouldn't be a choice in the first place.

cjel Sat 05-Oct-13 22:10:57

I understand WOT, Hope you don't think I'm being critical of your choice, I have been where you are and just wanted to let you know the alternative isn't as hard or bad as you think.flowers

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 22:34:33

Thanks, if I could get over my not wanting to admit defeat I'd be able to do it.

Sounds pathetic but he has an extremely overbearing supportive family, me less so and a bit of me doesn't want him to sail off into the sunset and be happy when he's been a pita for years.
I want him to feel rubbish and not be able to bugger up someone else's life.

That makes me sound a right miserable old bag, doesn't it?!

Portofino Sat 05-Oct-13 22:40:31

I used to be a bit non-thinking/non commital about porn until I learnt more about it. You only have to read up a tiny bit about the industry to realise how bad it is. Even the "women friendly" stuff. My DH has certainly watched it the past. He doesn't now (at least as far as can possibly know without stalking him) but we have a dd and have discussed it. He was heading up the diversity committee at work and really trying to get to grips with the feminist stuff I helpfully feed him.

Portofino Sat 05-Oct-13 22:45:28

Porn aside though Wot, he sounds like a total abusive arse. I would not want to be with him. Sod his family.

southeastastra Sat 05-Oct-13 22:49:24

look at it yourself it's as much available to women as to men. i don't really get why women have to feel bad for accessing porn as men do.

wotafarce Sat 05-Oct-13 23:13:39

Southeastastra - are you telling me to look at it?!!! Have you read the thread? I make no distinction between the sexes, porn is sleazy, and morally corrupt and anyone who uses it is a loser imo.

southeastastra Sat 05-Oct-13 23:30:48

<shrugs>

Portofino Sat 05-Oct-13 23:46:36

I would feel worse tbh SEA. I have seen porn in the past and not had the vapours. But I look at my pre-teen and not cannot imagine any possible scenario where I would think it acceptable that she could be in anything like even the mild things I have seen. It just would not. I hope to bring her up with a view that that any job is more worthwhile than having your body exploited for money in that way.

Portofino Sat 05-Oct-13 23:48:18

Anyone who is ambiguous on this only need think on how happy they would be for their own children to do it,.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 00:44:44

So, the most vocal anti-porn protesters just need to watch some and all would be well ?

Yeah, that'll do it

Yakky Sun 06-Oct-13 01:06:32

TBH when I watched porn many moons ago it looked liked a televised wrestling match.....fake & cringeworthy. I sniggered through it like a teenager and was so turned off by it I just couldn't have sex afterwards.
I can't believe people actually find it a turn on.

chirpchirp Sun 06-Oct-13 01:27:08

There's no doubt about it, your husband sounds like a dick but just wondering, if you have teenage kids are you sure it wasn't one if them accessing it?

mrsmartin1984 Sun 06-Oct-13 01:53:20

I used to not have an issue with porn. But now I see how toxic it can be for a relationship. Within porn you enter a world were women are submissive and are able and willing to do things most women can feel uncomfortable about. And the vision of what both men and women look like are severely distorted. It is not real. But nowadays allot of women seem to "accept" that all men watch it and they have to put up with it.

They shouldn't. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it is toxic for your relationship and self esteem. No one should feel like they should do things they don't feel comfortable doing and should be able to have an open and frank discussion about what they like and were the boundaries are. And no women should feel inferior for not looking like a barble doll.

If men are doing this behind your backs then that will corrode the relationship which should be all about openness and compassion

MiniMonty Sun 06-Oct-13 02:33:48

Like it's a new issue (snore). Go to the British Museum and look at some greek pots. Big dicks. Girls being pissed on, girls loving girls with boys doing one of them from behind - anal, threesomes, gangbangs and other classical education. There's nothing new under the sun.

Boys like pictures.
Girls like pretending. And lying to their friends.
What's new ?

Vivacia Sun 06-Oct-13 05:36:15

Pots at the British Museum? House!

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 07:12:21

boys will be boys, eh ?

< tinkly giggle >

< goes to make a sandwich for my man >

cronullansw Sun 06-Oct-13 08:58:52

Careful MiniMonty,

You can't be letting historical facts get in the way of a good old MN anti(enteryourcausehere) rant.

The op seems to be using porn as the big problem, when quite clearly there are a raft of problems in this relationship, but hey, blame porn, it's the MN way.

Good luck sorting things out op.

Grennie Sun 06-Oct-13 09:02:56

Yes b ecause if there are historical examples of porn, that makes it okay? hmm

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:10:47

Because cronullansw, of all the things wrong in my relationship (and I've admitted there are A LOT of problems), the porn bugs me the most. Absolutely, it does.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:13:01

chirpchirp - date and time the pages were accessed was when he was at home and the rest of us were out.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:14:58

miniMonty - just because men have bulied women into sex for thousands of years, thhat doesn't make it right!!

Grennie Sun 06-Oct-13 09:19:03

Exactly! There are historical examples of murder, but we don't accept this as a reason to excuse murder

TunipTheUnconquerable Sun 06-Oct-13 09:23:18

And Classical Athens was hardly a paradise for women....

Ruby1080 Sun 06-Oct-13 09:34:42

Porn really isn't the issue here. You clearly despise your husband, and want him to be unhappy more than you want to be happy.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 09:47:44

I do * Ruby1080*, I really do.

Vegehamwidge Sun 06-Oct-13 10:56:59

Comment of the day there from MiniMonty.
I'm sure OP feels much better about porn now that she knows there are pots from an old violent male-dominated culture where men litterally piss on women.

I especially liked the random comment about "Girls like pretending. And lying to their friends." hmm

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 11:22:15

MiniMonty is male - enough said!

I bet if men had been treated in such a way over thousands of years, they'd have something to say about it, wouldn't they!

LordElpuss Sun 06-Oct-13 11:23:30

And don't forget that women like lying to the police and juries as well ... enjoy a bit of rough and then go calling it rape. Girls will be girls hmm

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 11:38:26

Do you know what? I feel like taking up smoking (never have, never wanted to & never will if I'm realistic) H absolutely detests smoking - bit like I detest porn really smile

But, if it's ok in his eyes to use something I loathe, then surely I can do the same?

Off to the shop to get me a packet of fags to leave lying around...

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:49:23

Would him having s different pc help then? I'm not bothered by my husband looking at porn if he wants especially as I am 40 weeks pregnant and his poor balls are like grapefruit! But finding the she male stuff would make me question what was going on...
I feel fir you though OP, your really angry but he is a grown man you don't own him you can't tell him yo use his imagination that's likr trying to police his mind.... I fear the more you complain and get angry the more of s deal it becomes and then he will be thinking about it mote and want to use it more as childish as that might sound it is human nature.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:52:45

But OP he likes Porn!!!! You don't like smoking that makes no sense at all! I think rounding actually like thI'd man you call husband and your not referringbtoi good about yourself either. What can you do yo calm down? Then think about what the rboot of the problem is

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 11:54:16

Sorry above post supposed to say I don't think you actually like thus man and your not feeling too good about yourself either

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 11:58:33

I think you're probably right sweetiepie - I'm so mad I just want to piss him off.

I've no intention of smoking, but the ranting is making me feel better.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 12:11:11

tell me again why you are doing this to yourself? why are you living such an angry life?

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:11:32

Just re-read your post sweetie... thinking about it, I feel fine about myself smile I certainly don't feel inadequate compared to these plastic, fake parodies of women on a screen.

I'm considered a 'hottie' hmm by friends and there's nothing wrong with my self esteem.

I wonder how my H would feel about a DD being in a porn film?

Vegehamwidge Sun 06-Oct-13 12:11:52

his poor balls are like grapefruit!
Comment of the day, the runner-up.

Dear OP...like everyone says, you seem to really dislike your husband. Do you really want to continue to live together with someone you seem to dislike so much? Are there some good things, is there something you like about the relationship?

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:13:12

Look, OP, he is financially abusive. He doesn't want to sleep with you. He's lazy. There are jobs around the house which are years old that he hasn't done. You want him to be unhappy; you don't want him to be happy.

You have FAR bigger problems than his use of porn.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:19:29

Imperial - he DOES want to sleep with me!!!

It's me who doesn't want it twice a day, or even every bloody day! So he says he isn't getting enough! He's nearly 50, FFS! If he bloody got off his arse annd did his jobs and pilled his weight, he wouldn't have the energy or time for it.

cjel - can't help myself, it's like I have to win this 'war'.

vege - very occasionally it's 'fine'.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 12:21:56

A relationship shouldn't be a war - you are aware of that aren't you? you will literally drive yourself mad trying to live like this!!! And what for? - what is you goal in trying to win?

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:27:13

OK well, that's a bit different. I didn't understand that before.

Are you going to bed in a bad mood because he isn't doing the jobs? If he did one of the jobs, would you feel more inclined to have sex with him - not as a 'reward' but simply because you would like him more?

I have to say being rejected sexually is really, really shit. It's the most horrible feeling.

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:28:35

Can you tell us how many times you agree to sex compared to how many times you reject it?

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 12:31:29

imperial - why is this relevant?

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:32:42

What, the how many times business?

I wanted the OP to look at the issue of sexual rejection.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 12:35:15

if you are at the pitch she is at with dh its surely more than sexual rejection? she hates him in every part of life?!!

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 06-Oct-13 12:35:29

How much do you think he watches porn? I don't see the link between watching porn and not doing jobs around the house unless he's doing for hours and hourson end

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:43:38

Well, generally he's very lazy and so DIY jobs are left for years (and I mean years). This obviously makes me full of resentment & that coupled with a libido that's gone AWOL & erratic periods means we rarely have sex.
He won't come to bed unless we're having sex, stays up (surfing porn) until 2am, even on work days. He can't get out of bed at w/e (tired) which doesn't make for a good relationship.

I object to being viewed as his 'plaything' and him substituting that for porn when he doesn't get his own way.
He's like a sulky teenager.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:45:02

Actually Imperial, he doesn't instigate sex now. Ever.

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Oct-13 12:52:10

Why the hell are you still with him? He clearly makes you really, really angry and unhappy. If your children are studying A levels they haven't got a 'few years' until university. Think what that would be like anyway, if they left home and you two separated? Whose house would they go back to for weekends? Don't you think it would ruin their first year away? If they are old enough to travel from one house to the other, why don't you live separately and each of you have bedrooms for the children, so that they can go back and forth? It's no fun being seen as the disciplinarian and you might find their attitude towards you changes if you are away from your husband and happier.

Vivacia Sun 06-Oct-13 12:57:53

This comment from Ruby earlier hit the nail on the head,

You clearly despise your husband, and want him to be unhappy more than you want to be happy.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:58:11

The DC will go in 2 yrs, all being well with grades etc. Not long; I will prob move 'home' (other end of country) which will entail job change. So not really do-able atm.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 12:59:32

Yes Vivacia - not sure what that says about me - barking, I imagine.

Vivacia Sun 06-Oct-13 13:02:43

I don't think any of us can say it means anything other than you're choosing to live unhappily.

Perhaps you get a kick out of that? But that's just a guess.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 13:20:08

vivaci, I was wondering why she gets so much joy out of making this man so miserable - sounds cruel to me. Why would he want to come home and do 'chores' when shes a miserable woman? there is no home to build here is there? Hope she doesn't get a shock one day when he decides enough is enough and leaves - her plan for moving in a couple of years wouldn't be 'do able' then .

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 13:29:14

cjel - I don't get 'joy' but I can't understand why it all has to be on his terms, ie he can be as lazy as he likes, yet I'm supposed to be all willing to have sex when he wants it?

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 13:30:11

Is there anything you like about him OP? It sounds like he is as unhappy as you. The jobs round the house, could you not get a handy man in to do a list of things for you every so often get husband to pay? The jobs are probably a constant reminder and build resentment. The fact that he dosent instigate sex anymore suggeststhat he is feeling rrejected and probably lonely. I'm sure he would rather be having sex and sharing fantasies with you and if he is going through a sex drive surge at the moment hes got to deal with it somehow. He's only 50 And life is short. There must be something you like about him? If not leave him help him leave you so your both not wasting anymore if your precious lives together. Your a hottie you say so you could be with someone your attracted too and have a friendship with and he sounds like he needs his own space and a chance to be in control.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 13:31:13

I seriously doubt he'd leave - he's too damn lazy! And, if he did then I'd stay put until DC had gone.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 13:35:31

Can I also say OP, that though I feel for you because your angry I also am picking up rightly or wrongly that your not very nice to this man and I feel really sorry for him. (hides)

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 13:42:45

sweetie - don't hide! You're entitled to your opinion, I'm not nice I suppose, but 20yrs of living with someone like that will make a person 'not nice' I guess.

Vegehamwidge Sun 06-Oct-13 13:49:16

Isn't it time to break up?

AnyFucker Sun 06-Oct-13 13:51:58

What a grim way to live, OP. I cannot understand why you want to keep this farce going. Do you think your kids don't notice how much you hate your husband, and vice versa?

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 13:56:53

The DC probably do realise but I'm not moving now just to move again in 2yrs time.

There's no angry shouting, just 2 people who don't care for each other living in the same house. We're quite a busy household, so not much opportunity to do 'family' stuff really. I do the majority of stuff with the DC.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 06-Oct-13 14:12:17

Oh God that is so sad. That's an awful way to live I'm so lucky I'm off to give my husband a big hug and s kiss. Reading threads like this make me realise how lucky I am. I would hope that if I was in your position OP I'd leave I'd like to think I'd have left a lot sooner than this. Good lluck to you both I hope you both find love again.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 14:18:55

Yep it is sad, but there's no violence thankfully.

I'm never having a relationship again though, this has put me off for life.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 15:22:11

or from his point of view, he gets 'paid' for doing chores with sex? or why should you have it your own way? I don't understand where that thought comes from - they are two distinct things surely or do you get diamonds for washing up and he gets a kiss for paying a bill? you should seriously leave - you sound so selfish 'I'm not going now just to have to move again in two years' I hope you get two more healthy years to have that option.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 19:02:30

It was never a condition that he had to pull his weight to get sex, but over time I have become disillusioned and resentful with the house being in his name only, the continued financial abuse, and the amount of time his hobby takes up.

I have become a housekeeper to him - at least, that's how it feels and I think it's understandable to not want sex with someone who treats you like that.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 21:44:35

No, i'm sorry, I need to stop this, I'm being rude, It just struck me that it was hard to tell which came first - him not wanting to do chores or you being angry and not liking him . I'm not being helpful or supportive sorry.flowers

Albert27 Sun 06-Oct-13 21:58:27

My now ex was looking at she-male sites along with shed loads of other stuff - he told me it was like me on eBay, I'd find a dress I liked but I might end up looking at shoes too!!

Get rid of him. I did, best thing I've done for yonks.

And like you it was only one of the issues - was, no IS, an emotionally abusive twonk too.

wotafarce Sun 06-Oct-13 23:53:20

Thanks for your apology cjel, I appreciate it.

I'm going to take a break from this thread now, it's been useful to vent and I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions.

cjel Mon 07-Oct-13 13:31:37

take care wot.x

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