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Paranoid & insecure or justified?

(107 Posts)
FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:04:23

Have NC for this.
DP & I have been together for 2 years. Been through some ups & downs but generally happy. Is the best relationship I've ever had in terms of fun, companionship & feeling loved. We have made long term plans, seriously talked marriage etc.
DP got a new job in another town approx 100 miles away last month & is living there during the week, coming home at weekends. My house sale is going through at the moment & am planning on moving up to live with DP with my DC in the next month or so.

The only problems we have had have related to DP's struggles with communication & his sulking, giving me the cold shoulder. Since he's started his new job we've had a few episodes of him sulking/withdrawing which he's blamed on being stressed over the new job.

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this.
Yesterday I waited all day for him to get in touch & nothing. I text him to say I wasn't feeling good (had surgery last week). He replied 'oh dear' and thing else. After several hours I text him again asking if everything was ok, saying I felt he'd been disconnecting from me last few weeks which was making me nervous about the move. He read it (on iMessage so get read receipts) but no reply for 2 hours. I rang him, no reply. Eventually got a vile text message from him about 11pm saying he'd had a shit day at work & couldn't cope with the extra pressure I was putting on him. I replied apologising that it had come across as pressure & reminded him my life is pretty stressful too right now so it'd be nice if we could support each other, no reply.

Fast forward to today, I text him about an hour ago asking if we were chatting today. No response. According to iMessage it's been delivered but not read.

I should say, when things are good, we're in more or less constant contact so these silences are very very out of character.

I don't know what to do now. Leave him be? Ring him? I genuinely don't think I'm being demanding but maybe I am wrong. Prepared to listen to anyone who thinks I'm being high maintenance.

I know I won't sleep tonight if I don't hear from him & recovering from surgery I really could do with a good nights sleep tonight.

Apologies for the MASSIVE post.

wordyBird Thu 03-Oct-13 20:19:19

No, you're not being high maintenance.

There are a number of things that don't look good: but to be dismissive and even angry when someone you love is feeling ill - after surgery! - this is a terrible reaction. Don't bother me with your needs, I'm stressed enough as it is was the message there. And that is a red flag.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 20:20:04

He's a shit. Please don't move in with him.

ivegotaniphone Thu 03-Oct-13 20:23:23

There is never a good reason for a grown man to sulk. And if he does it now imagine how much sulking potential there is when you move there with him.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:30:29

Oh god, I was dreading getting those responses. I really do love him & have been attributing these 'sulks' to a rough patch caused by him being stressed about work.
I know this is not a reason to not walk away but I will have nowhere to live without him. We are borrowing money from his mum to pay deposit on new house. I have no money whatsoever. Nothing. There is no way at all I can find a house for me & my kids in a month with no money to my name.
I feel like puking hmm

hi,
Sorry to hear of your recent surgery, if I was in your position I would focus on myself and child/ren.
It's good that your house sale has gone through, have you any family or close friends that could help you with shopping or cleaning or even just preparing for your move whilst your dh is away and you are recovering?
try not to feel insecure, he has just got a new job, and in the times we are in he will want to do the best he can for you as possible, I am not excusing his behaviour, but hopefully you can see it from a different angle.
enjoy the time he is away, eat lots of chocolate, watch whatever you like watching on tv, run a bath and light some candles, and most of all please sleep its important that you help your body recover and rest is a good place to start.
I hope some of the regulars can come along soon and give you some better advice re your DH - I didn't want to read and run though.
Take care. x

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 03-Oct-13 20:40:27

Fucking mind games. If he career but was suffering with the stress he would either seek sorry from you or at least reassure you that he loves you, all is fine but he's just being too get his head down to get on with work. As it is, he's just thinking about his needs and not bothered that you're really worrying when you need to rest. He's being a prick.
However I think it won't help to contact him tonight because it'll just push him further away right now. If you possibly can, wait for him to contact you and then be honest about how he has made you feel. Asking someone to reassure you that all is well if you need to is not 'putting pressure' on them.

akaWisey Thu 03-Oct-13 20:41:47

How far down the line is your house sale? Can you slow it down a bit while you explore other options for you without this shit ?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:43:49

akaWisey, not possible to do that sadly. House is ex marital home & until it's sold exH is unable to pay me maintenance or survive himself. I'm looking at exchanging contracts next week or week after so a bit too late to back out.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 03-Oct-13 20:48:08

He has just started a new job and is pretty stressed by the sound of it - maybe he just doesn't have the headspace for texting during the day? I know that when i was working, the last thing i could deal with was texts from DP. Don't get me wrong, i liked getting them but wouldn't have time to look at them or answer them. Especially at the begining of a job, wanting to make a good impression etc.

Is he communicating in the evenings?

Cannot believe people are suggesting you LTB

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 20:49:47

This has 'he's met someone else at the new job' written all over it I'm afraid.

If you don't move to this new town OP, what are your options?

In any case, wouldn't this have been a long way away from the children's father?

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 20:51:33

Are you not getting equity out of the sale of the fmh?

Can't you borrow rent deposit against this and get something lined up ready for completion?

Sorry if I've misunderstood situation but I seriously would not move to be with this man.

queeniefry Thu 03-Oct-13 20:53:02

House move and career change are supposed to be the most stressful experiences in life.
BUT! His behaviour is totally unacceptable!

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:54:35

LEM, I totally get he can't text me during the day. Totally understand that, but evening contact has been sporadic. Sometimes lots of contact, other evenings very little. Over last 2 weeks very very little.
If I don't live with him, will have to stay local but, as I said earlier, I have no money for a deposit & would have to claim HB making it incredibly unlikely I will find anything at all.
My DC's dad lived halfway between where we are now & where we'd be living so that's not an issue.
DP did cheat on his exW with a woman from work so that is always in the back of my mind. I totally believed we were better than that though. I'm clearly a fucking idiot.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 20:56:35

Diagonally, I have nobody to borrow from. Really nobody.

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 20:59:13

You as a couple probably were better than that. But a relationship as an entity can't prevent one of the protagonists cheating, can it? Especially if it's happened before and he didn't learn from it.

That was a fairly hefty red flag. How did he explain why he cheated on his wife?

Can you spend a few hours tomorrow finding out what your options are re housing?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 21:05:51

I think I will have to Leaven. No choice really.
He'd been with exW 18 years & says he just stopped fancying her. Didn't stop him marrying her & conceiving a child whilst having an affair. Eventually left exW for the OW when his daughter was 6 months old.
Yes I know.....once a bastard, always a bastard, eh?

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 21:08:28

Everyone gets stressed about work sometimes, but most adults don't sulk about it & take it out on their partner.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 21:35:20

I could handle the occasional sulk.
This feels way beyond that though. I am swinging wildly between thinking I'm being a drama queen & thinking I may never hear from him again.

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 21:43:36

You can't move in with someone who you have doubts about (with good reason, it seems) just because you have nowhere else to live.

I would get on to CAB / local housing tomorrow and see what your options are.

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 21:46:10

Sure, it sounds like he's having second thoughts. I think he might be behaving intentionally badly so you dump him.

Either he has met someone else as others have suggested, or he suddenly likes being footloose & fancy free.

Better to find out now than once you've moved in with him.

wordyBird Thu 03-Oct-13 21:47:13

Disliking someone's aggressive, dismissive behaviour is not being a drama queen. Being in constant contact and then left with no response, and no real explanation, is also unsettling.

You have a large life change ahead. So this is a good time to look your concerns full in the face.

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 21:56:01

This really isn't on, Flappy. You say the comunication has been getting less and less in the last two weeks? Have you talked to him when he has come home about this?

Could he be getting wobbly about the reality (and permanence) of you two buying a place together, your house nearly sold etc? All the plans you made becoming real, not just future dreams?

A bad communicator and a sulker is likely to withdraw, rather than open up and discuss things, to them it's the only option. Emotionally completely immature. It sounds like he simply runs away from problems or hard times, eternally hoping someone/something else will be the ticket to the perfect life they constantly seek.

Wife not "fanciable" enough - easy, find someone fanciable, and when she has a young baby with all the tiredness and attention that involves, dump her and move on. Very, very worrying in a grown man.

So sorry this is happening, the uncertainty and confusion are the worst bits - the truth might be horrible but at least you'd know it. You do have a warning though - both through what is going on between you now, and via his past history - of how this man deals with difficulties in his life. You are in for a bumpy ride in future if he doesn't change.

I hope you can get some sense out of him when you see him at least.

KellyHopter Thu 03-Oct-13 22:00:56

When you say 'we are borrowing' from his mum for a deposit, do you mean that you have taken a joint tenancy? Or that it's in his name and the plan is that you move in with him?

The way I'd look at it is this - you feel you're in an impossible situation right now re housing, but if you move in with him and it all goes pear shaped then you'll be in the same situation. The only difference is (as is all too common a theme on here) you'll have the option of clinging onto a toxic relationship by your fingernails because the thought of leaving with nothing is too daunting.

You have options right now that don't include or rely on him. They may not be great options and they may be scary but you and your children will not be left without a roof over your heads. Cut him out of the equation and get some advice about your current situation from Shelter (they're fantastic).

KellyHopter Thu 03-Oct-13 22:02:12

And also are your children school aged? What do they think about being moved away?

spandangled Thu 03-Oct-13 22:12:29

I don't agree with him not wanting to know how you are after surgery, that's shit, but:

My other half was and to some extent still is like this, he too works over 100 miles away.

Over the years we have both worked out that a)he is shit at keeping in touch and b) I overthink and so we both agreed to meet each other half way on the communication front.

The difference I think is that we have always been honest, bluntly so, and I trust him to the end of the earth.

What he had to realise was that relationships function on communication and that on a basic level, I would like to know at the least that he's alive. But I also had to realise that I had too much time on my hands to think, which meant I was worked up half the time, or bored or resentful that he wasn't here.

So I decided to fill that time and it was the best thing I did for us. It meant I wasn't allowing my irrational self to go around and around in circles wondering what he was up to, it means we have more to talk about when we are together and weirdly, he got a taste of his own medicine (unintentionally, but I was busy having a good time) and he realised he was being a twunt.

We don't have children and we aren't about to buy a house. But sometimes what goes on in your head is worse than is actually happening.

I'd really recommend waiting it out, give a bit of space, more importantly take some for yourself. Give your mind a rest, sleep on it and when you feel calm...broach the subject. Last thing anyone wants is an emotionally draining phone conversation at 11pm after a long day.

The one thing that made me feel I could do it, was that I have always trusted him. If you're having doubts because of distance/over tiredness/over active imagination that's one thing, but if you genuinely think he may be up to no good then you need to face why you think that. It won't go away no matter how near or far

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:14:49

Madeleine- yes, you've got him down to a T there, very emotionally immature.
Before I agreed to move up there I begged him to understand that he needed to communicate with me if he ever felt things were going wrong, that he must never ever treat me like he treated his exW & that I couldn't consider finding myself & my children in a strange town abandoned by him. He promised me that wouldn't happen.

My DC are primary age. Move has been sold to them as a very positive thing. They're excited but nervous.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:21:25

Spandangled- you're right, I am bored, and lonely & I know sometimes I over rely on him being my virtual entertainment & companionship. I can see that if he's working long hours, feeling pressure over a new job & all that my desire for contact could be irritating.
But, I'm a single parent, I can't go out & do stuff in the evenings as much as I'd love to be out & about.

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 22:22:06

So why did the relationship with the OW end?

Also what's the timeframe for all this? i.e. when did he leave his wife and when did the relationship with the OW end? Any other relationships you've known about within this time period before he met you?

Incidentally, I don't hold with all this 'once a cheater' schtick. That's why I asked you what reasons he'd given you for doing what he did. If you'd said that he deeply regretted it and would never do it again, that's one thing. But from what you've said, I'd say that he might be a perennial cheater, because his reasons for leaving his wife were so puerile and self-serving.

I should think he behaved towards her like he's behaving towards you right now.

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 22:22:36

The more you post the worse this sounds.

No-one should have to beg a partner to treat them well.

Have you got new school places sorted?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:25:13

That's what I'm afraid of Leaven.

He split with exW 7 years ago. Moved straight in with OW. They were together 5 years but split up because they never had sex at all, she totally lost interest in it as soon as he moved in & their relationship fell apart because of that. He was single for 6 months the he met me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:28:11

Perhaps I didn't put that well diagonally. What I meant was that I wanted him to know what a huge sacrifice I was making uprooting my kids & myself & to tell him that we must always promise to talk though our problems rather than end up like him & exW.

No school places sorted yet. Can't apply until tenancy agreement signed. Will be a joint tenancy for whoever asked that up thread.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:30:15

You do realise that anything he tells you about his exes is a warning - do this an I'll dump you. I guarantee that if you refuse sex he will be very sure to mention that he left the OW for that "crime.'

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:32:06

I don't know Cailin, I'm not defending him but....although we have a great sex life, there's been a couple of months where we haven't been able to have sex. I've had 2 very nasty miscarriages since we've been together & he was so good & so patient.

Leavenheath Thu 03-Oct-13 22:33:02

It's just incredible how he explains these relationships ending isn't it? The wife wasn't fanciable and the OW wasn't sexual. Honestly!

I'm sure he's been telling you that he could never stop fancying you and that sex is the best it's ever been eh?

And you thought that because you apparently fulfilled needs that these other women couldn't, he wouldn't stray?

Love, if any of this resonates, I'm not knocking you- especially as you're upset and still recovering from surgery. But look at what you're telling us here and look at the pattern.

I'd eat my hat if he wasn't cheating again and dreaming up his next excuse for why his current relationship is 'failing'. No doubt you'll get the blame for it just like his wife and the OW did.

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:10

Ok, I agree with spandangled, I too think you should just try to leave it tonight and get some sleep(easy to say, I know!), and tomorrow is Friday so he should be back for the weekend? There is no point second guessing, you need to be face to face for what will possibly be a very difficult conversation. But you must try to have it, Flappy., no matter how scary.

I've had a similar type of man in my life - he was full of plans, full of promises, but that was when reality was in the future As we worked towards the goal it gradually dawned on him that reality could never live up to what he wanted, and his reactions were as immature as his "perfect life" dreams. I was gutted but I don't miss him. (He's probably still going through his life repeating the same behaviour and never happy, leaving broken hearts everywhere - he wouldnt change why would he, there was nothing wrong with him, just everyone/everything else in his mind).

At the time of saying the stuff he said he truly believed it, I'm sure. His vision of himself was such that that he genuinely saw himself as the perfect family man, the saviour - if only he could find the right woman .Someone like that just hasn't grown up, and someone like you in a financially vulnerable position, particularly with children, needs a non grown up like a hole in the head.

I hope that it really is just work and so on, but even if it is solely, he has to learn to deal with pressure differently if this is to work.

Pilgit Thu 03-Oct-13 22:35:16

sorry, haven't read everything. This sounds like my DH when he went to uni. He detached, got uncommunicative and didn't talk when he was at home or away. It was hell and we had some really difficult times. Eventually he admitted that he was doing it because he was missing us so much when he was away that he found it easier to detach and go in on himself. I had to (rather forcefully) tell him that doing what he was doing was having a hideous effect on me, us and our child and that pulling away because he was missing us would make him lose us. It took a while but eventually he saw it. This might not be what is happening - but could it be?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:42:54

Thank you all so much. And thank you, pilgit. I was prepared to think it was partly what you describe until he sent me that horrible message last night saying he couldn't cope with the pressure I was putting on him & how I'd made his bad day even worse with my shitty text.
Now I am starting to suspect he might just be a cunt hmm

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:43:55

Can you describe how he was during the miscarriages? Sorry you went through that btw, it must have been very hard.

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:45:46

You say in your first post, Flappy:

This week he's been particularly distant although we found a house to move into & put a deposit down & he seems genuinely excited about this

Think about it.

Garcia10 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:53:17

I work away from home a considerable amount of the time. My job is high pressure and stressful. I love my husband and daughter incredibly and miss them constantly when I am away however I sometimes don't want to speak to them at the end of a long day away.

Your DH does seem to be acting strangely but he has just moved 100 miles away and has started a new job. He may be finding it stressful, perhaps wondering if he has made the right decision and is wanting to focus on the new job at the moment.

I think after two years of being together that some people may be too quick to tell you to LTB. I agree that trying to slow the house sale down would be a good idea to make sure that the move is right for you.

Could you and the DC visit him this weekend? See how you feel about the move and have a frank discussion with him about how his has been behaving has made you feel this week?

Hope things get better.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 22:55:32

Cailin, in actual fact, he wasn't great when we first very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant. I had to beg & beg with him to talk to me about it, to talk our options through. When I miscarried the first time though, he was supportive, did everything for me although, looking back after a couple of weeks the novelty had worn off & we had our first major sulking episode whilst we were on holiday.
Yes, Madeleine, I see the point you're making, the reality has hit him. Oh, fuck, I so don't want this to go tits up though. I love him so much. So do my kids. Fuck fuck fuck.

Monty27 Thu 03-Oct-13 22:56:52

I think it has gone tits up. Sorry OP.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 22:57:28

Why was he sulking on holiday? What was his reaction to the second miscarriage?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:03:13

We never get to the bottom of gear the sulking is about. Some days, he wakes up in a very different mood & just disconnects. Like my presence irritates him. He acknowledges me & all contact is perfunctory. Gets incredibly defensive if I ask him what's wrong then stops talking, ignores me. I get upset, shout a bit. It becomes my fault for shouting. I cry. He sees how much he's upset me & then starts being all normal again before admitting he's a twat (but stressed/tired etc etc) & it will never happen again.

2nd miscarriage- less sympathetic. That time round I hadn't known I was pregnant until I miscarried so there was less attachment. I wasn't so upset that time although physically it was just as difficult. He struggled with my hormones being all over the place. As did I, to be fair.

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:06:53

In what way did he struggle with your hormones?

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:06:53

Gaaagh! Don't panic! You won't get anywhere with someone who communicates badly and sulks if you come across as "hysterical " in his eyes. (you aren't, but you can bet the house he will think that) He'll just want to shut you up, and he will sulk. It's what he does.

You are up against it, chick, not because I think he is necessarily cheating, or deliberately hurting you, or there is something dodgy going on, but purely because he obviously finds it easier to shut down any emotional conversation than to open up.

You just have to try to stay calm, and I'd introduce the conversation by sticking initially to getting him to talk about the job - how he feels about it, why he had a shit day etc. He may be more forthcoming eventuallyy if he doesn't think this is initially about enotions..

Madeleine10 Thu 03-Oct-13 23:07:51

*emotions

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:10:14

Madeleine, you speak an awful lot of sense...!
Cailin, he struggled because I was just so emotionally messed up at the time, crying a lot & being very up and down. I think a lot of men find that hard. In his very logical and non hormonal brain, we hadn't wanted a baby, we weren't having a baby = not too much of a biggie.
Does that make any sense?

Diagonally Thu 03-Oct-13 23:13:20

His behaviour makes you cry. Regularly.

Please, please, do not move to be with this man.

Get your housing and life sorted, make sure you can function independently and then rethink things.

Do you work?

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:14:20

Nope flappy it doesn't. He says he loves you. Do his actions show that?

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:15:33

What did he actually say to you after the miscarriage?

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:21:49

Yes, generally his actions do very much show that. He was sad about the first miscarriage. We cried together about it. He bought me a rose bush which we planted together to remind us of the baby.
He regularly sends me funny snippets he's found on the internet to make me laugh, he cares for my children, he takes them on days out, he buys them little presents he knows they'll love, he writes me notes telling me he loves me & hides them round the house, he cuddles me to sleep every night, he makes me laugh until I cry.....I could go on. When things are good, they are blinding, beyond compare but he struggles badly with communicating about his emotions beyond telling me he loves me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:23:15

In the past when I've told him that his sulking makes me feel unloved & rejected he has found it incomprehensible that I could doubt his love for me.

FlappyBrain Thu 03-Oct-13 23:24:44

Diagonally, no, I don't work. I'm a part time student & have a 3 year old so am claiming IS & CTC as a lone parentX

CailinDana Thu 03-Oct-13 23:38:07

What's the worst thing he's said to you?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 06:47:30

Sorry, I fell asleep. Woken to no contact from him.
Cailin- the worst thing he's said to me......errrr..last time we argued he went silent, refused to talk but told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Was texting me within the hour telling me he'd made a mistake though.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 06:56:31

He sounds like a lot of hard work flappy. Are you ok with the relationship being like this - long silences, uncertainty with the possibility that if he does't fancy you/doesn't get enough sex he'll do a runner?

JustBecauseICan Fri 04-Oct-13 06:57:16

A serial shagger who treats you like shit when he's not ignoring you but when it's good it's mindblowing.....

No, when it's good, it's because he can be arsed. Which clearly, from your posts, is not very often.

Given his track record and the fact he is working away 5 days a week I would almost bet good money he's already fucking someone else, or at the very least enjoying his "freedom".

The bad bits you write in the past tense, the gushy bits about him loving you in the present. He doesn't love you. It doesn't even sound like he likes you very much tbh. He sounds vile. You need to stop making excuses for him (he isn't "emotionally immature"- he is a vile abusive twat who doesn't deserve you)

Do not even think of staying with this dreadful clump of self-righteous, self-loving testosterone. There is always a way.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 07:19:16

No, i'm not ok with it being like this. Not ok at all. Until yesterday I thought these were just his indiosyncracies but now he's blanked me for 24 hours I am terrified.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 07:24:23

Blanking ou for 24 hours is really properly nasty. His reaction once you do get hold of him will tell you all you need to know.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 04-Oct-13 07:27:51

Whatever flappy he is being very rude to you. Would you allow a friend to treat you like this or would you treat someone like this? I very much doubt it. Can you let him move into the flat on his own and you find somewhere where you are now and get HB etc and get yourself sorted. If you move in with him you will be so financially and emotionally dependent on him. Give it more time there is no rush. Keep strong.

WeeHelena Fri 04-Oct-13 07:41:15

I feel almost enraged on your behalf
He knows how the silent treatment makes you feel and he still does it time and again.
he did it all because you were seeking comfort from him,being stressed at work is no excuse for that,
a simple tx stating he is feeling down/stressed too would have been ok and simply related with how your feeling rather than shooting you down and blaming you for making his day worse.

Seems like he punishes you when you need him most,I doubt he will change either when there is no incentive to do so.
I really recommend looking for other available housing options even if you don't intend to split right now it will help knowing these things.

You only have a few weeks left before you move and I would now lay it on the line to him that you won't accept this behaviour and he either starts communicating his feeling like a mature adult or you will not be moving in with him.

If you do move in with him please save a secret emergency housing deposit/rent fund, you never know you might need it and you don't want to be stuck in a bad situation longer than you have to,if you don't end up needing it then least it will be a nice little nest egg.

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 08:20:17

Agree with most of what's been said here.

This man is not who you think he is. He's not the man HE likes to think he is.

You need a Plan B - find a place for you and your DC. Don't put them in such a tense, unstable situation, even if you want to go ahead d give it a try.

Are you getting no equity at all from the house sale? Why is that?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 08:24:03

No, I am getting equity from the house but obviously I won't have access to it in time to put a deposit on a new place to live. And it's not a lot. Certainly not enough to live on or avoid me needing to claim HB.

Mojavewonderer Fri 04-Oct-13 09:23:01

Of course it's mind blowing when it's good but it would be if he's sulking and acting like a baby all the other times!
Jeez I would get someone to have your child this weekend and go and see what the crack is! He sounds just awful and way too much hard work. I too think he's met someone and is being mean to you in the hope you'll dump him first!

awakemysoull Fri 04-Oct-13 09:41:10

I've just read through this and I've been in this situation before.

I ended up moving in with dp and to be honest it's been very very difficult. I gave up my house, home town, job etc for him to move in and find he's never really been that interested. I'm now stuck although things have improved majorly since we first got together. As much as I could leave, I don't want to and will put up with the bad stuff because the good is amazing.

He was away a lot and He used to go days without contact and it used to piss me off because I'd worry about him.

My advice is do not text or call him at all. Wait for him to call or text you. He will need you before you need him I can guarantee it. If you don't contact him, he can't play the 'you're stressing me out' card. It's awful when you are worrying and worked up but just wait and see how it plays out over the next day or two.

A lot of people are saying LTB but only you know what you want to do. Is he worth working through this rough patch for? Is he really sure this is what he wants? It sounds like he's having second thoughts. I don't think he's found someone else but he may be out enjoying his 'freedom' which he will soon get bored of. He is very insensitive especially when you have just had surgery. I hope you feel better soon

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 10:38:28

Wow, thank you awake. That's a useful post.
FWIW, I've had a text from him this morning telling me he's alive & was not at all well yesterday & slept for 14 hours. To be fair to him, I've seen him react to work stress like this before- it incapacitates him sometimes.

However, in his text he said nothing more than that. Didn't ask if I was ok.

I do think it's worth working things through. I know I have a lot of sorting out of my own issues to do. I've had a few relationships that have followed a similar route so can only draw from that that I must, to some extent, be to blame given I'm the common denominator. I can be guilty of being impatient & selfish & wanting things NOW and on my terms. I don't see it at the time but in retrospect, certainly from the point of view of an emotionally stilted man I can see that this behaviour might be too much & lead to withdrawal. I wish I wasn't like, I wish I didn't just push & push & push to get my own way and instead, back off, give him some space & wait for him to come to me.
I don't doubt he's now digging his heels in because I've 'not listened' to his plea to stop 'putting pressure on him'.
I'm not excusing his behaviour, I'm just saying that I think I have to accept some of the blame.

This weekend is tricky. I've got a big birthday event happening tomorrow night. About 30 friends coming together to see me so I can't just disappear off to find him. I know I SHOULD just disappear off with my mates, have a fantastic time & pick up with him on my return but given I don't know if he is even planning to come home tonight, I can't get my head round the thought of being up for a night out tomorrow.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 10:42:10

Awake, realise my thank you message sounded insincere. Wasn't meant to- genuinely mean thank you.
Are you happy now? Dues your DP still continue to behave in the same way? How does he justify his behaviour to you?

wannaBe Fri 04-Oct-13 11:05:03

one of the most important things in a successful relationship is communication, and it sounds to me as if this is severely lacking in yours.

it's one thing to react to stresss in a distant way, e.g. not wanting to talk about it/perhaps just wanting space to chill out without the pressure of constant chit chat. But actually cutting off your partner when your feeling stressed is not ok.

I don't buy into the once a cheat always a cheat line. Cheating is never ok, but just because someone does it once doesn't mean they will necessarily do it again, plus the fact he has been honest about it is IMO a good sign - people generally don't divulge that kind of information if it's likely they are going to repeat the cycle, because it sets the relationship up on an instant footing of potential mistrust.

but sulking and cutting you off when he's having a bad day is manipulative and I would be seriously considering whether I could have a future with someone like that.

it takes a couple of seconds to write a text saying "am feeling stressed, going to chill for a bit," or some such rather than just refusing to answer texts which just make you feel worse.

If you want this relationship then you need to have a serious discussion about communication and about the two of you getting on the same track in terms of communication. Without good communication, no relationship can survive.

Each to their own - but this is NOT worth working through.
He sounds absolutely horrid and abusive.
Silent treatment!!!??? Abusers do this!
It is not acceptable.
He hasn't even asked if you and the kids are OK.
Sorry, he's not a nice person and you should NOT be uprooting your life and YOUR DC lives for this twat.
Sorry, but I'd bet my next payslip, he's already shagging someone else and the sooner you realise this better.
That's what happens when they have affairs - get more distant - contact gets less and less.
Wake up and smell the coffee - PLEASE!!!!
There are too many red flags here to mention.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 11:11:44

Pull out of your house sale.

It is incredibly unfair of you to uproot your children from their lives to force them to live with this moody asshole.

Branleuse Fri 04-Oct-13 11:35:57

pull out of the house sale. Honestly. This guy will drive you mental

awakemysoull Fri 04-Oct-13 11:41:34

Flappy - he doesn't justify it at all. I just put up with it because, like you, I feel somehow I must be to blame because every relationship is the same with me.

Things are a lot better than they were at the start. He has been here a lot more and seems really happy. We talk more now and communicate properly. He has the odd sulk which he now knows will be ignored. I think it was an attention thing - our dcs took most of my attention and he felt left out.

I know this advice is the opposite of what everyone else is telling you, I just wanted you to see it from the staying with him point of view.

Like I said before, only you can make that decision and you have to do what you want to and what will make you and your dcs happy. If leaving him is going to break your heart and cause massive amounts of stress, see if you can work through the bad things to stay with him. It may or may not get better but at least you can say you tried and gave it yoir all

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 04-Oct-13 11:46:52

"If leaving him is going to break your heart and cause massive amounts of stress, see if you can work through the bad things to stay with him. It may or may not get better but at least you can say you tried and gave it yoir all"

That is TERRIBLE advice to give anyone, but particularly to a woman with CHILDREN.

What about their hearts? What about their lives? What about what is best for them?

How can it possibly be best for them to have their house sold from under them, to move schools, move to a new town where they don't know anyone, all so their mother can chase her moody, horribly boyfriend around the country hoping their crap relationship might somehow work out?

You shouldn't be giving YOUR ALL to this moody fucker, you should be giving it to the small people who are dependent on you.

This bloke is adept at yanking your chain.

I am wondering what you learnt about relationships from your parents
when you were growing up.

Reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood may also open your eyes as well as booking your own self onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

I think you learnt a lot of damaging stuff which has been carried over into your relationships with men to date. This man does not deserve you at all. And your children do not need such a crap example of a stepfather to them either.

Well said Join

CressidaMontgomery Fri 04-Oct-13 12:23:22

Join is spot on and awake is dishing out some poor submissive style advice.

This man is sending you a very clear message - whether he means to or not. And that message is that you're not important and he will always put his needs first.

If you go ahead with a house move and subject your children to this then.... We will see you back here in 6 months.

Do the right thing. You have been given a wonderful gift here... Hindsight before it is hindsight.

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 12:36:35

I am listening to you all ladies, really I am. I guess I'm in denial. Serious denial. I really thought our relationship was fantastic. I thought he was teaching me to be less self absorbed by not pandering to my need for reassurance.
I was so excited for our future. I was very very unhappy in my marriage & thought DP was my happy ending. I felt as though I gave him more than I'd ever given anyone & if I have to accept that this is the end then I don't know how I will cope.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

awakemysoull Fri 04-Oct-13 12:42:15

I knew I was going to get jumped on for that - it's my opinion and giving you every possible angle.

I never once said you should follow my advice I always stated that it was my choices and doesn't necessarily mean that it's the best thing to do.

I would say pull out of the house sale in the short term.

(not never just not now)

You need to be sure where this is going first.

You say you have a big event coming up, no doubt this 'sulk' will have you worrying about him and how he feels more than your event (is he supposed to be there too?)

He sulked on your holiday, can you think of any other big occasions he has marred either before or during with one of his 'sulks'. I just wondered if there was a pattern?

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 12:50:29

I completely agre with Joinyourplayfellows. Some shocking advice on here.

As for at least he was being honest about his cheating that's such a strange bargain. If someone was honest about being violent, or a thief, or an addict- would that make it okay then? The OP's DP said he left his new wife and 6 month old baby because she wasn't fanciable enough and he was having an affair anyway. That might be 'honest' but it's a shame the OP didn't make a judgement about that. When someone tells you what they are, listen.

I'll never understand why any woman wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally stilted man who sulks and fails to communicate. If there is any pattern you might need to look out for OP, it is to see if you have a tendency to want to 'fix' men with problems together with a tendency to put relationships with men above everything and everyone else in your life.

Thinking that you were the woman who could reform a bloke who has left his last two serious relationships because the women concerned were not fanciable/sexual enough is such an odd thing to do. I can hear him now bleating to some other woman that you 'trapped' him into a pregnancy and then went off sex when you miscarried twice. Yet again, he's probably found a woman who thinks that honesty is appealing and means something good about him- and is telling him that she would never go off sex.

On another matter, what are the residence and contact issues around his child?

tessa6 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:50:33

I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.

Also he is working very far and becoming detached from you. Listen if you start to hear alarm bells in the distance.

Flappy

Join is spot on.

Denial is a powerful force but you need to see this for what this really is.

Your children do not need such a poor role model for a stepfather.
Even if this bloke knew what love is (which I very much doubt) he has a very poor relationship history. You will be treated exactly the same as they were and I am sure too they would put you straight as well.
This person as well only cares about his own self.

Never let yourself be taken to a second location; doing that puts you and by turn your children completely in his power then. You will be really up the creek without a paddle.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this frankly piss poor role model of one?.

tessa6 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:51:23

And already known to cheat...

Flappy

This bloke was never your project to rescue and or save. I do wonder whether you have any rescuer and or saving tendencies because they need to be dragged right back now. You simply cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

Of course you will cope.
You've been through worse!
You have 2 lovely children to look after and you need to make sure they are your top priority. Not this 'bloke'!!
Call CAB and see what your options are.

Madeleine10 Fri 04-Oct-13 12:58:16

Do what you can this weekend flappy to talk to him. Keep some of the things that have been said on this thread at the back of your mind when and if you do manage to actual have a conversation - I think it might help you see certain things more clearly .

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as they say, but don't assume anything yet.

Oh.. and don't text him back at all.
Just wait and see how long it takes him to communicate with you.
While he's away and stressed, you should be the first thing on his mind once he's had a chance to unwind.
He is 100 miles away from and he should be missing you and thinking about you.
I know if I'm away, when I get back to my hotel room the first thing I want to hear is my OH or my DD voice and a nice normal chat away from work and work problems. (and yes I do realise not everyone is like this) But just something to think about.
If you were away I bet the first thing you would to do after a hard is talk to him!!!

Madeleine10 Fri 04-Oct-13 13:00:06

*I think texting is a terrible way for couples to mainly communicate and I think it feeds this sort of second guessing and emotional instability and need some people have for control.

Stop the texting and talk to each other. Be a voice and a person not some black letters on a screen with tone attached.

He sounds like he is not good at supporting you. That's a huge deal in and of itself.*

Couldn't agree more with what tessa says.

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 13:27:05

OP, what you said about being 'the common denominator' and echoed by awakemysoull is truly shocking. You take the blame for someone else's poor behaviour? Why is that then? Are you so special that you can control another human being's responses to you? Haven't you considered that adults are responsible for their OWN behaviour? Is there anyone else who acts poorly because you are around? I doubt it.
The only person you can change or control is YOURSELF.
He's played a number on you here... he sulks because of your behaviour? Do you think he never sulked before? He wasn't 'teaching you to be less self-absorbed' by giving you the cold shoulder!! How is that a loving thing to do to someone?! Stop explaining away his bad behaviour.
And if you really are as bad at relationships as you say you are, OP (your words not mine) then why would you inflict yourself on this guy? See what I mean - looks different when you come at it from that way, doesn't it?
Put yourself and your children first. They've got no choice in this. You have. Find a nicer stepdad for them if you can't live without a man. Don't put them into a situation which is already going badly wrong.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 13:35:08

Yes but taking the blame for someone else's behaviour is all part of the same issue, where people think they can control whether someone else cheats or not. The he won't cheat on me, our relationship is better than that bargain is all about that, isn't it?

When people believe that trope, it follows that they think it was something about their predecessors' behaviour or the relationships with them that caused the cheating.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 15:11:24

What is wrong with claiming housing benefit ? confused

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 15:19:31

AnyFucker, there's nothing wrong with claiming HB. Nothing at all BUT-there are no private landlords around here that will accept a HB tenant. All the agencies I've spoken to today have practically laughed when I've explained my situation- single mum of 3, no deposit, on HB with a dog.

DP has a very amicable relationship with his exW strangely. They chat, are very friendly & he sees his daughter every other weekend. I often tell him how awful I find his cheating on her. I cannot conceive how he did it. But she has clearly forgiven him so it's not my battle to fight.

I've actually just spoken to him. He says he's coming home tonight. We'll see. I half expect a text in an hour or so to say he's changed his mind before he switches his phone off again.

I don't know what it will take for me to think he's not worth the effort. I really don't. I wish I was stronger.

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 16:34:45

You already know he's not worth the effort, because you've posted on here.
Your doubts are there for a reason.
What's that quote, is it from Alice Walker or someone... When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He has shown you.

CailinDana Fri 04-Oct-13 16:46:17

Flappy a relationship should be a true partnership of teammates who look out for each other and really enjoy each others' company. Even when there's tough stuff going on good partners are able to put their hand out and say Sorry things are bad,I'm still on your side. If ykur partner is making you worry and doubt then clearly there's something wrong.

You say he's taught you to be less self centred - could you explain what that means?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 16:58:31

What I mean Cailin is that he has shown me the power of compromise in a relationship. I have never ever been able to compromise. In previous relationships, I've always been in charge - it's my way or no way & almost every partner I've ever had has complained of me being controlling & selfish. DP has never put up with this shit. If I have a temper tantrum & stamp my feet insisting we do something my way, he rarely (if ever) gives in. I undoubtedly have respected him more because of that.

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 17:00:59

Is that what happened in the marriage you've left? If it was all going your way, why did you leave?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 17:41:43

Hope....my exH did give into me an awful lot. We had a 3rd baby because I desperately wanted a 3rd. He totally didn't.
I had PND badly and ExH just withdrew from me and I from him. Suspect he was having an affair with a woman he worked with who is now his GF. He now says he never liked me very much because I was so self centred hmm

HopeClearwater Fri 04-Oct-13 18:00:25

You don't to believe him!
You poor thing.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 18:01:21

So if your ex didn't want a third child, did he exercise his choice to use contraception to make sure he didn't become a father again?

Or are you saying that he made a choice to change his mind and have another child?

FlappyBrain Fri 04-Oct-13 18:14:26

Good point, Leaven. No contraception was used. He changed his mind. Very grudgingly.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Oct-13 19:05:36

Your thought processes seem very influenced by the men you have been/are in relationships with.

In this one, the "compromise" has gone too far the other way, you are actually having the piss taken out of you.

Leavenheath Fri 04-Oct-13 19:44:53

I thought so.

Cue him no doubt bleating to the OW "Waah! She forced me into having a third child and wouldn't take no for an answer!"

See the patterns here all the time?

Unless a relationship is severely abusive, the people in them make free choices. No-one causes a behaviour choice in another person, when there are always other options available.

It strikes me that because you took far too much responsibility for your previous relationship failures and your exes' choices in them, you've applied the same principle to your current partner's behaviour and his choices, past and present. He had other choices about the way he behaved in previous relationships. He has other choices now. You are not responsible for them and neither were his previous partners.

Diagonally Fri 04-Oct-13 22:07:31

If you are going to get some equity from your house, can you speak to your bank about whether they can offer a short term loan / overdraft from when you would need to pay first month rent and deposit through to completion?

You don't have to tell a private LL you are in receipt of HB. Don't tell the agents at this stage.

olgaga Fri 04-Oct-13 23:00:02

Yes, speak to your bank. You won't be claiming HB until after you've moved in somewhere anyway. The dog may be a difficulty but not to the point where you're forced to move in with a self-regarding player like this man.

Do you really want to put your DC through this move into the unknown with a man who treats their mum like shit? Or would you rather give them a bit of security and stability where their schools and friends are?

You seem very single-minded about this man. He knows it, and he knows exactly how to play you.

I think you need to give yourself a shake and focus on your real priority - your children's happiness. Not yours, and certainly not his.

maddy68 Thu 17-Oct-13 06:51:00

Is it possible that he is working in the evening, he's got a new job, feeling majorly pressured and stressed that he is moving house and could fail at his new job. And yes he is handling the communication badly but could you just be being over sensitive as your feeling low after surgery and lonely now he is away?
My oh when he us busy sends texts like .oh dear. If some disaster has befallen me
You said you are using I message. And it's showing delivered not read. That means he hasn't seen them. Could he have poor signal where he is?

I think you need to have a good talk at the weekend.....

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