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Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened(181 Posts)
I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink
God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?
Trust your instincts? And well done for getting him out of your house. Hope youre ok x
Good for you.
What was it that made you feel unsafe? Can you think now what it was?
Were you frightened of him? Maybe you just sensed something wasn't right. Good for you for telling him to go if so
Always go with your gut. You did the right thing.
What made your spidey senses tingle ?
No one has earnt your trust after a second date. It's always wise to follow your instincts. How he reacts to this will tell you a lot about him.
And even if he did nothing wrong, if you din't want him there/changed your mind you are allowed to tell him to leave.
He had a kind of shifty look on his face when in the house. We had a little kiss and talked, then I was suspicious that he was saying things to me just to get me into bed, like he thought he would fall for me if we carried on seeing eachother. I said it felt too soon to sleep with him and he said he be honest with me he also thought it was too soon and went on to tell me about a woman he slept with on the first night who became his GF but he never really liked that she'd done that.
I felt like he then carried on trying to persuade me. He even asked outright if we could just cuddle in bed. I said " but you just agreed its too soon" and he denied having said that at all!,
Final straw was when he asked a couple of times if I was frightened. I said why would I be frightened? I went to the kitchen opened the front door and said you better leave I feel uncomfortable. He looked very shocked and said he was sorry he couldn't quite believe it. He said he meant was I frightened I might fall for him, bearing in mind we'd been talking about our previous relationships
God what a mess did I do right or am I more fucked up in the head than I thought?
you did the right thing. its creepy that he asked if you were frightened. i would not be seeing him again.
FWIW I think you did the right thing. Although I'd have wanted him out the second he started dissing his ex for sleeping with him!
Yes you did right. There isn't a mess, he's gone and you don't need to see him again. He sounds like a twat. Watch some bad TV now. Forget him.
Nope. Youre not fucked up. He may be. Asking if you are frightened would scare the shit out of me. Gut instincts are there for a reason. Try and relax. Im so glad you kicked him out for one.
You absolutely did right. I'd have been freaked out by that. AF is correct, you are allowed to tell him to leave. It is always always better to err on the side of caution OP.
I think you did the right thing and he is a creepy fuck. Well done. There is nothing wrong with your head, love.
you did absolutely right. he was a creep and your instincts were spot on.
You're not fucked up at all, sounds like you did the right thing getting him out.
Asking you if you were frightened and then trying to change what he meant by that. GOODBYEEEEEEEEE loser.
That made me uncomfortable just reading it.
Glad you trusted your gut, hope you are ok and can unwind.
Well done you did the right thing! Too often we ignore our instincts so as not to appear rude.
I'm feeling scared. He might have meant am I frightened I would fall for him as it came after he said he thought he could fall for me I think. But me saying " it's too soon to sleep with him" should have been enough for him to back off shouldn't it. He was creepy though
Well done love! You listened to your instincts and I think you made the write decision.
Without sounding like the voice of doom OP I'm so glad to be reading this than a thread tomorrow saying 'I felt uneasy about my date but I didn't want to ask him to leave and XXXX happened'.
Yup, how he feels about this is of absolutely zero importance. Don't give it another thought, DJ
You so did the right thing. Do not date him again!!
Weird fucker that he is.
Your intuition was right on. Telling you.
Be thankful and keep listening to it....
Maybe you decided to be all normal and also brave by inviting him in, but it wasn't for the right reasons, not deep down.
I think you called it pretty well, cos if it had been right, it would have been right iyswim.
So glad you're safe. Put something nice on tv and relax x
Thing is I think he is probably a bit awkward and odd but he freaked me out. I know he is in a job that requires stringent CRB check so that made me feel he must be ok to a certain extent. I work in kind of the same field and I know he's not lying about the job due to the things he's talked about
Be kind to yourself. Remember you owe him nothing. he is someone with whom you have been on two dates that is all.
And dissing x, red flag, saying he might fall for you, red flag.
you did right.
Oh God don't be fooled.
A lass I know got emailed a video of someone flashing her, he works with disabled kids!! I told her to report him.
You were gaslighted (lit?). One minute he agrees it's too soon, next minute he says he didn't say it. Wtf? Plus the double standard shit over his old girlfriend. You did the right thing.
I am a firm believer that our instincts are there for a reason.
In this case they were picking up on undertones you might not have otherwise noticed and you very much did the ugly thing.
If it was a genuine mistake and he is genuinely serious about you then he will contact you cap in hand genuinely apologetic for making you feel uncomfortable and wanting to make sure he doesn't do it again and taking things extremely slowly to make sure that is the case.
Even if he does this I would recommend still remaining tuned into your instincts.
What you are feeling now sounds like the English "politeness" setting in. But you did the right thing.
Hope you manage to get a good night's sleep
I'm feeling scared I've got a knife next to me. He seemed fine until we got in here and I felt out of my depth.
He's not a paramedic is he?
Do I sound totally deranged?
He totally gaslit me. After I said its too soon, he said " I'll be honest I don't want to sleep with you it's too soon" then few minutes later totally denied it
No you really don't sound deranged, people here are honest enough to tell you if you did. Patilla is right, instincts are there for a reason.
I know he is in a job that requires stringent CRB check
You know for sure or is this a line he has given you....?
Even so, don't let people override your intution/gut feeling... cos that is your friend for life!....
You should be super proud. You were strong & brave & did exactly the right thing.
'Are you frightened?' WTAF?!
Silence your phone & sleep tight, knowing you're safe & never have to see Creepy McScary ever again if you don't want to. The shifty weirdo.
Yeah, it freaked me out just reading it too! You did the right thing, well done - you should feel good about yourself. Your instincts are spot on!
He is that job as he has too much knowledge of things within it and I know about them also because I do the referrals
Totally dismiss the creep from you head. Hope you're ok.
This is a massive red flag IMO:
"went on to tell me about a woman he slept with on the first night who became his GF but he never really liked that she'd done that."
Why would he not like it that she'd slept with him, unless he has a pretty fucked up view of women?
You should be congratulating yourself for having such good instincts, and most especially for acting on them when you did, before it got any more uncomfortable. Please don't doubt yourself.
And for the future, please, please will you promise us that you'll never bring someone into your home until you know them much better?
Love, it is overwhelmingly more likely that he is simply a bit of a sad fucker whose social cues are skew wiff rather than a serial sex offender. I don't think you need to sleep with a knife under your pillow. That would be dangerous for you
Give yourself a pat on the back, and sleep soundly. Don't give it another thought. If he contacts you again, simply say you don't want to see him again.
I feel quite shaken up actually. I'm scared to sleep
CRB checks don't check if someone's is a misogynistic, manipulative areshole.
A CRB is only as good as the day it was done and anyone with a CRB check can be a creep.
I'm so glad you did the right thing and went with your instincts. Like others have said, try and watch some rubbish TV and then get some sleep.
I'm sorry to hear you feel shaken up, can you call a friend to have a chat? (Keep talking to us though of course, if you need to, loads of people here up all for ages!)
Yes you did the right thing and yes he sounds like he wanted a shag and was saying any old flannel to get it. Good that you got rid.
But I'm concerned as to why you've got a knife next to you? That's not particularly normal - unless you feel he's going to break in?
He said some stuff and you put him straight. Forget it now. Do you suffer from anxiety in general?
Can you pour yourself a stiff drink and chat on here for a bit to calm down?
Don't like it that you are so scared you have a knife by you
He didn't actually 'do' anything. Just sounds like a bit of a socially inept guy that everyone is now painting as a sex offender.
CRB doesn't check for gaslighter, freak, creep, arrogant idiot, full of self importance............
Get a night's sleep make sure doors are locked etc. Have you got dc's there, neighbours you can rely on? Not that i think he'll be back, I think he knows where he stands, the twat. There's millions of them out there, he's probably texting someone else as we speak.
I don't really suffer anxiety normally. But he's freaked me out, he was odd, weird. I asked him to leave because I was scared it may escalate to a sex attack. Although he was gentle its like I was being gently pressurised and I didn't know where it would go
I don't know he treated me very well before this tonight. He wasn't arrogant. Or full of himself at all, quite the opposite seemed very unsure of himself. I'm not making excuses though because something was definately odd then
Jackie stay calm. you are safe. in your own house.
You are probably just suffering the after effect jitters of the flight or fight adrenaline rush. it will pass.
You did the right thing not to do something you were uncomfortable with. and you do not have to see him again..you for not have to feel guilty for asking him to leave.
You have been through a lot lately. you just need to give yourself some time. ((hugs))
Seconding the suggestion that you watch something funny then try to get some sleep.
Yes and if he was bothered really he would have at least txt to see if I was ok. It was horrible
Wow, people are judging harshly on this thread and throwing accusations and nasty words around when they don't even know this man.
He could have been really nervous or lacking in social skills and maybe was face-palming on the way out, feeling really embarrassed. We've all been there and said silly shit/ made faux pas, doesnt make you a 'sex offender,' or a 'serial rapist!'
I do however agree that you did well to ask him to leave when you personally felt uncomfortable, it is better to be safe than sorry. You'll feel better in the morning im sure.
You don't need someone who is odd, weird, or freaks you out, in your home. No matter what the reason might be.
You did the right thing. You had confidence in your instincts, and did not try to rationalise them away. Good for you.
You might feel shaky for quite a while, so just do what you can to steady yourself, as it will pass eventually.
You did fine.
He did look quite shocked when I asked him to go and was shocked I felt uncomfortable. He said " are you serious" and said sorry
lagertops i think you may have taken those terms out of context.
but the point is not what he is or is not.the point is that if Jackie felt uncomfortable then she did right to extricate herself from the situation.
mink you know the problems I have had lately. I'm thinking maybe I'm ultra suspicious and distrusting of everyone because of those issues. He only had to mention falling for me and I thought " yeh right you'd say anything for a leg over" basically I think everyone's out to use me like the Ex did
I think AnyFucker puts it perfectly.
Chances are he is probably just someone getting it wrong/a bit odd/awkward/over-keen but the important thing is that you weren't at all comfortable so you asked him to leave. Now he has gone and you are unlikely to be unsafe (or he wouldn't have gone so easily and with such surprise). So you did the right thing and now try to have a good night sleep.
'My Tattoo Addiction' is on 4Seven
Hope you feel a bit calmer now.
Don't blame yourself. Even if you are wary because of past experiences that doesn't mean you were wrong about this guy. What he said to you was very odd. You've said yourself you were worried it might escalate to a sex attack.
Don't start telling yourself now this is your problem; it isn't.
We are all animals and like animals we have instincts about danger. You did the right thing; but don't dwell on it now. He is gone now.
It's perfectly okay to feel off about someone. It's perfectly okay to ask someone to leave your home because you want them to.
I know it does seem a shame as we got on really well befor that I thought
Agree with everyone else. Even if he was the perfect gentleman if your instincts told you to get rid then you listen. You sound very sensible to me.
Hope you get some rest tonight.
Jackie it is ok. yes what happened before does colour what comes after. Probably less dramatically as time passes. but in rs i think it is no bad thing to err on the side of caution rather than let your guard down out of not wanting to cause offense/embarrassment.
For me dating has been a learning experience and a journey more than a means to an end. i have been finding out where the boundaries have to be and what the triggers are.
It takes time. A lot of what you are feeling is probAbly amplified by what has already gone before. just register it, observe it and let it go.
And yes you and he got on but the situation made you uncomfortable. there will be other people you get on with too who feel right and when you are ready.
Yeah, you got on really well before
you thought he might be a sex attacker and felt scared shitless in your own home.
Stop post-rationalising this and telling yourself it was some kind of problem with you. This wasn't right for you, not at all.
There are other men out there who you will feel comfortable with. Who you might fancy so much you want to shag them on the first date, and who wouldn't tell you that they'd judge you if you did, dissing an ex in the process.
and Jackie go easy on yourself.
Well at least have managed to get myself upstairs and into bed.
It's so surreal there was definately something amiss this evening and I'm glad I asked him to leave.
Your spidey senses have looked after you tonight, I reckon.
Mixed messages re: whether he wants to sleep with you or not + dissing of ex + overplayed shock at being asked to leave = bloke with very little social intelligence, at the most charitable interpretation.
Any idiot knows that being invited in is a gesture of trust, & he should behave like a perfect gentleman unless & until you make an unequivocal pass at him.
He came across as creepy & inappropriate. If he's just inept, this is a) a good wake up call for him & b) not your problem.
I wouldn't be scared, though. Put the knife back in the block & watch some crap telly!
Well done on getting rid of him and listening to your instincts.
The "are you frightened" question is a well known tactic of con artists and the like to try and make you distrust your own instincts, because weaker people are likely to say "of course not" and ignore the warning signs.
Its entirely inappropriate for a man to put himself in a situation where he has to repeatedly ask a woman if she is frightened by him, and then to make her so uncomfortable that she asks him to leave.
I thought he sounded creepy already but now I read "Are you frightened?" is a known tactic to put people off trusting their instincts, I am really really glad you asked him to leave when you did. Yikes!
I think I might be losing my sense of reality on how a " decent" man should behave. He seemed so decent, a little shy, very nervous on first date and first date was fantastic. But as you all say I Sussed out that I wasn't happy and acted upon it. Are there any nice normal guys out there?
He has emailed me saying he is so sorry if he upset me. Please could I text him today and if he said something to hurt me he's sorry please can I tell him what he did
I think you should ignore him. You've seen him twice and owe him nothing.
If you start texting back now, he'll explain away and you'll doubt your very genuine reaction to him.
Personally, I would reply once to say he made you feel uncomfortable by coming on too strong, that you have no wish to discuss it further, will ignore any further communication and will not see him again. The End.
I'm worried about my view that everyone is out to manipulate/ use me.
Just to give a bit more background to last night, we had talked about previous partners/ spouses he didn't diss any of them said he's on rxcellent terms with ex wife and even to my suspicious nature it rang true I felt in my gut it was true. Told me about his kids. No problems or suspicions.
Since then he split in oct with someone he'd been with a few years and who he was going to ask to marry him in may! She told him shed found someone else. I asked if he still loved her and was over her he said yes. I said that's very quick if you wanted to marry her in may. ( mind you I split in aug and am over my ex)
That was alarm number one. Then I felt all the " I'm going to fall for you if we carry on seeing eachother" was to manipulate me to sleeping with him
I used to get that all the time from the ex.
Just to say I was the one who gave him a big hug and kiss first last night but all I wanted it to be!
Have things changed? In my day a guy on a date tried to get into your pants and if he didn't you were mildly put out. Not trying to minimise op's feelings, if you weren't happy you were absolutely right to ask him to leave.
But I suspect that AF is right. This guy needs to learn a few manners/ social skills for sure, but it's a bit much for strangers to imply he's a rapist because he fancied getting it on with op.
Just send a text saying that you didn't feel comfortable and you'd prefer not to see him again.
Then maybe leave off dating for a bit, it sounds like your breakup has left you very hurt and raw.
What has happened to me that I think the very worst of people and don't trust them an inch. Am I so damaged? I didn't think so but I'm not so sure now.
I read the worst possible into everything . Even now with that email he's sent I'm thinking its only because he's scared I will tell people and his reputation will be rubbished. Or due to people at work finding out as I suppose that would possible for me to perhaps do. I can't believe it's because he's bothered he's upset me
I agree with the PP... If you invite someone in after a date it sets up some expectations, even if you've said otherwise. He sounds like he was trying to persuade you to change your mind which IME is fairly normal when someone fancies you. You knocked him back, asked him to leave, he didn't make a scene about it and now he's apologising. I think he sounds a bit awkward but I'm not seeing anything malicious here.
Are you getting any help with your anxiety, love ?
This all seems a bit too much after this bloke came on too strong. Blokes have been chancing their luck and some of them lacking social skills like forever
If you second guess everything and examine it to this degree it must be exhausting for you
you have been told repeatedly on this thread you did the right thing, you could do more nor no less
next step is ?
You felt uncomfortable, for whatever reason, and you were able to deal with it; asking him to leave.
A huge amount of people wouldn't have been able to do that!
Now you're doubting yourself.
He spooked you, and it sounds as if you were given reason to be.
Take a bit of time out, look at yourself, how strong you are, and how your instincts are there for you.
I don't think this is an anxiety issue, it's clear there's a need to develop self confidence, but this guy - only in the op - has TWICE said things and then denied it.
I had told him I found it hard to trust and believe people at the moment due to Ex. I asked him if he was the same given what happened to him and he said no he knows he's probably silly but he throws himself into relationships and gives them his all then gets hurt. Even then I thought he was manipulating me! I think I need some counselling
I think you need more time to be OVER your ex tbh. To get to know yourself, and see that you ARE good enough.
Good enough for yourself is good enough for everyone else!
Please see how you're a lot better at negotiating relationships than you réalisé?
Was your ex abusive?
Do you have friends to chat over all this stuff with? Counselling sounds like a great idea, but offloading over a cuppa or a wine or two is v valuable too when it comes to relationships.
It's not anxiety I was scared. I don't regret asking him to go and I'm not doubting that
I'm just looking at myself now because I do believe I may have issues with. Thinking the very worst of people because of the past. I am just working it through in my head by talking on here. Yes there was something I didn't like about the situation but I probably do think everyone's out to get me which isn't a good thing for me at the end of the day
hissy I know I'm good enough I had confidence last night to do what I did. It's men I think aren't good enough hence thing badly of them all the time
Yes ex was abusive EA, bullying and manipulative
He sounds very odd. You did the right thing.
i think he sounds immature and needy. like being with someone fixes everything. he is most certainly not over that ex op.
the fact he back tracked sounds at best a chancer/cavalier attitude. but all in all he sounds like a project you do not need.
you might well have trust issues but that's ok because you know how to think for yourself.
Dearjackie He is definitely a twat for dissing his ex for sleeping with him on a first date and you did the right thing asking him to leave. However, if you know that you have trust issues what on earth were you thinking of asking him home for a drink on a second date? I think most men would see that as a come-on. You say that you made it clear that it was just for a drink but I'm not surprised the conversation turned to sex.
I think you need to learn from this and just not put yourself in this situation in future. Stay on neutral ground until you are 100% comfortable with your dates.
Wow this guy never stood a chance,you invited him back,even if it was just for a coffee and a chat and then had some kind of panic attack and now you are all trying to paint it as a sex attack waiting to happen,poor guy.Maybe you should give other guys a break and not date until you are over this weird mindset.
You did the right thing, whenever you feel uncomfortable you should always mention it and ask the person to leave, however, I think you're over thinking the event.
Speaking to friends, getting some counselling may help towards recognising and amending your thought patterns, having the view that everyone is out to get you or manipulate you is exhausting.
Take time out for yourself, it's still very soon after your break up.
I would text/email to say it was too soon for you to date, and you don't want to see or hear from him again.
Then get yourself some counselling and do The Freedom Programme.
There is no need to rush into dating!
Just had another email saying he's sorry again is off to work and will be worrying about it. And asking if he's lost me??.
Absolutely the right thing!
In fact be more careful next time and don't invite virtual strangers in.
Have been lurking on this thread.
I think that
a) he sounded creepy last night saying one thing and then denying it
b) you were absolutely right to get him out of the house
c) just because you feel you may have trust issues doesn't mean he wasn't dodgy and
d) that email this morning is completely bloody weird.....lost you?
Reading that made me go cold....
What are you going to do now? I would suggest ending this table tennis match sooner rather than later.
I would send one text saying 'thanks for the dates, but you aren't the right one for me, best wishes for the future, no need to contact me again' and then ignore anything else that comes...better still delete before reading.
You have been on 2 dates, you owe this man nothing
i would want some explanation of the comments he made. ask him
Because of previous relationships your boundaries may be higher than most people, but your twat radar is also probably more attuned.
If that makes you get rid of bad catches sooner, all the better.
As others said, you want someone who makes you feel safe and comfortable.
Distrusting our instincts is what often got us into bad relationships.
His shock and his apologies mean nothing.
If you were that damaged you'd never had gone for the second date or invited him over.
eve he did stand a chance but made me feel increasingly uncomfortable. I said clearly to him that I wasn't going to have sex as it was too soon and I didn't know him well enough. Then he tried saying well lets just go up and have a cuddle. Then it went to he was going to fall for me, then to " are you frightened?" That was enough to freak me out I'm afraid
Actually uncomfortable is an understatement, I felt increasingly alarmed!
I am just mulling over what to reply to him now
I think he sounds manipulative and from what I've gathered from this thread, like your ex. I hate that spiel, oh I don't want to lose you blah blah, sounds like he's putting emotional pressure on you already.
Personally I'd avoid him and if you really need to reply to his email, just be truthful but brief. Don't let him persuade you.
Please stop doubting yourself, someone shouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on you after only 2 dates.
Hope you're feeling less freaked out this morning.
I've read three posts on this thread stating that "everybody" is painting the guy as a sex attacker. But I haven't read any actually doing so.
However, I'm 100% behind everyone who said you were probably right to be uncomfortable (he sounds more like someone who would mindgame you into bed than a potential attacker, but why should you be happy about that?) and 100% a bit behind everyone who says you have an absolute right not to let the guy continue to be in your house when you weren't comfortable. Here he was on your turf being shifty, like one of those dodgy salesmen on the doorstep. A dodgy salesman isn't going to knock you over the head and steal your purse
almost certainly but you are still best advised to get him off your doorstep as quickly as possible.
annie I think your right about the mind game bit. At times during that last night I felt my mind was being fucked with. And it rang alarms because I felt like I did in the Ea relationship with ex. I swore I would never tolerate that again
If you do contact him again, only discuss what happened in general terms. If this was a genuine mistake on his part he will learn to be more thoughtful of your feelings. If he is really a dodgy character he will be looking to find out what tipped you off so he can avoid saying the same thing the next time he tries to pressure someone into bed.
'lost you'... I'd take to mean that he thinks you don't want to see him again. I'm not seeing 'sinister' here although I quite understand why you're feeling rattled. He's keen but he's got no idea how to make a woman feel comfortable.
He said he didn't want a casual fling he wanted a relationship. I saw manipulation to get me into bed. Either could be true bearing in mind my mindset regarding men
Is this the same guy that lives 15 miles away and was thinking of moving town or have I got you mixed up with someone else?
Personally, I'd drop now.
This was his true self before he saw your reaction.
He'll be on best behaviour from now on to win you over.
Well yes, either could be true; you just don't know him well enough to know. You have unreasonable expectations of your own judgement if you expect to understand someone well enough to trust them (or otherwise) after a couple of dates.
I'm totally with you on the red flags there, though. I'm guessing you reacted so very strongly because, as you say, it reminded you of your ex and triggered all your recent insecurity. This guy is probably not anywhere near as bad as your ex, but is "not as bad" the same thing as "good enough"? I don't think so.
If you invite someone in after a date it sets up some expectations, even if you've said otherwise.
Cogito I usually agree with a lot of what you say, but I think you are way over the line with this sentence. If you invite somebody in to your house for coffee you are setting up no expectation other than having a cup of coffee.
it does sound a bit heavy bit then you have probably unsettled him quite a lot. I would just say that now is not the time for you. . If you don't want to see him. . or 'lets have a drink in a couple of weeks if you do.
I had a girl do this to me. . suddenly change how she felt. It was weird and I was sad as I really liked her... and still wish something had happened. I felt then as now that if I were a better man I would have gone back and said 'I really liked the idea of knowing you better can we start over with a nice date? ' .. though it might be that she only wanted sex and picked up that I liked her and night get hurt. . who knows!
OP I think you did absolutely the right thing last night. From what you've written I don't think you put a foot wrong.
Jackie, you did absolutely the right thing to get him to leave if you felt uncomfortable. But I think perhaps your reaction is probably down to your history rather than him being a potential sex offender. His "shifty" look could've been nerves, his dodgy comments could've been because he's socially a bit awkward, his wanting to stay the night was enthusiasm. I've met many socially awkward, shy men who have made right clangers, but getting to know them further has shown them to be perfectly normal human beings. But I still maintain, than whatever the reason for you feeling ill at ease, you did the right thing to boot him out. Not sure it's a good idea to date anyone else until you've healed from your ex though.
and I agree it might set up expectations...hopes perhaps...without the 'its just a drink' ...but that statement alone sets up a condition of staying sober/awake enough to leave and say 'ok I better leave'.
@Vivacia... I'm not way over the line at all, I'm living in the real world. 'Come up for coffee' (or similar) is a very loaded situation. It sets up expectations and that, in turn, will make someone think they might have a chance if they turn on the charm. It emphatically doesn't mean that anything should happen against someone's will.
I think you are spending far too much time and energy analysing all this (no doubt he would be thrilled to know how much you are thinking about him) - just send a quick text saying that you no longer want to see him and block his number.
And remember, having a CRB only means that you haven't got a record for anything untoward - someone I knew quite well, with an enhanced CRB, ended up serving 9 years in prison for horrendous sexual crimes (not saying that this bloke is a sexual predator, but just don't assume that having a CRB means someone is 'OK').
Jackie, I think the thing that would have made me MOST uneasy and desperate to get the man out of the house is that 'cuddle' thing.
You say you're not ready, he says let's go up to bed anyway. And cuddle. And to me that just reads as 'yeah, yeah, you've said no but I reckon if I can just trick you into bed with the offer of affection, I'll get to have sex'. Otherwise, you could have cuddled on the sofa.
That makes my skin crawl - not just ignoring your view, not just trying to override it, but trying to dress it up as cuddles and affection. Bloody well done you for reasserting yourself!
This makes me angry because the logical conclusion of "setting up expectations" is "It's my fault, I asked for this, I better put up with his boring conversation, his creepy, threatening comments, his hand on my thigh, his hand down my top, him raping me... all because I asked for it and didn't feel I could ask him to leave".
I'm stepping away from the computer for a bit now because this kind of apologist attitude, "you're not living in the real world" fucks me right off.
And you have problems if you think 'setting up expectations' equates to an apology for rape. I'm insulted.
Is it this guy , Dearjackie ? The one you felt this strong and unexplained connection with after just one meeting last week, and who was already mentioning the word "relationship" to you on the very day he met you?
Yeah. That level of intensity is no good. And you sound all over the place in that thread and this one.
You are 2 months out of an abusive relationship: this is no time to date. You are shell-shocked and vulnerable, and have a lot of work ahead of you to stabilise and (re-)learn who you are, what you're worth, and what you want in life.
Please take time to breathe, regroup, be on your own, do the Freedom Programme... It will do you good. But stay away from dating: it's an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times, and you don't need to add anything so destabilizing to your life right now. Take some time to take care of yourself first.
I thought it was the same person. Definitely step out of dating for a while. You did very well to reject this man the way you did - absolutely the right thing - but you need to rebuild your confidence.
Jackie if you do want to get in touch all you have to say is 'i am not ready for this sorry' or if you feel that might invite him to wait just say 'i don't see this going anywhere'
Even if that is not the precise truth it will do. after two dates you don't owe him an in depth look i to your soul.
i went on a date either a nice guy. we kissed. he was very respectful. we were supposed to go in a second date. but we ended up mother going because he said one thing in a text that because of where i was at made me feel a bit odd so i bailed. it was difficult because i felt like i wasletting him down and i don't like letting people down. and then i realised i don't owe him anything other than basic good manners.
Who knows it may have been great. it may nite. but right there and then, no.
And i worried that i just could not go there anymore. that the past had damaged me irreparably. and i just wanted to be better to be over it right now. to not have been damaged in the first place.
I am guessing this might be how you are feeling too?
Well now i am coping better. i am not so much damaged as changed these days. the bar i set is higher. but i am getting there. and learning to put my own feelings before not wanting to upset other people has been important..as has learning to give myself time.
I still watch myself all the time in weird detached way and i still over analyse things but i can see things getting better.
(((hugs))) you will feel better. it will all get easier. but EA Isaac difficult thing to untangls yourself from.
You did the right thing. you now need to become comfortable with where you are.
you can do the Freedom Programme online for free here - and they send you books at the end too Is very worthwhile doing.
I think the thing that stands out for me is that it's all about him.
"Have I lost you?" is incredibly manipulative and is trying to get you to change your mind based on guilt.
As someone upthread said, you owe this guy diddly squat. Don't let him guilt you into engaging in why you made the decisions you did. If you don't want to see him again you don't have to.
God, there is so much pressure (not on MN, just in general) for women to avoid offending men and to try and be nice at all cost. Fuck nice. Fuck it in the ear.
Has anyone suggested you phone the police and get this vile sexual predator locked up yet?
Jackie, PLEASE just stop. Stop analysing this and this person, stop contact, and, as you are newly out of a bad relationship, stop dating for a while. Take a BREAK and get some help and support to get your confidence and judgement in better spot.
It happened, he's manipulating, block, delete and just stop all focusing on men, dating and relationships and start focusing on YOU and being able to be happy yourself in your own right.
He never said he was thinking of moving. He just asked if I thought 15 miles was too far to have a relationship
It doesn't surprise me Annie
No, that's not what I meant. Nobody has said he should be locked up. Not one. But three other posters have said the thread is full of it. I will let you off if you haven't read it yet.
notdead I think I was pretty straight with him. More is coming back to me now. When he said about he could definately see himself falling for me if we carried on he also said did I feel it and to tell him now if I couldn't see it happening as he'd rather know. I replied yes I like you but am nont ready to sleep with you as it's too soon and I don't know you well enough
Jackie, you just got out of an abusive relationship and are wasting loads of time on . . . trying to get another relationship.
MOVE ON. Delete the guy. Fuck analysing this, get some help and stop going from man to man to man expecting something to work out.
Dearjackie would you have felt ok with him if you hadn't recently ended an abusive relationship?
Rather not something he did but rather your guard was up?
He should have taken no for an answer though and not kept on at it.
I'm not analysing it for his sake only for my own sake and moving forward in how I deal with things. I am proud of what I did last night I would never have done that with the ex I was too "nice"
I'm not looking for a serious relationship reall y which is why I laid it on the line with him last night, but I wouldn't mind a few male friends to go out with. It's not easy when your 48 and all your friends are married. That's all it's about, not trying desperately to find the love of my life.
'15 miles was too far to have a relationship' .... But you were uncomfortable with that statement at the time. You thought he was a bit too keen or running ahead of himself talking about 'relationships' when that's not what you wanted.
only a fool disregards their instincts.
Listen to expat, she makes a lot of sense. Give yourself some time to heal properly. Send this guy a polite text saying you don't want to see him again and don't enter into any more contact with him.
Try to make new friends. I know lots of people in their 40s and 50s who for various reasons aren't in a couple. You don't need a man, just make some friends. Take up a hobby, do an evening class. Get to know people, expand your circle of friends.
Look - even if the worst thing he did was to be insenstive given what he knows of your history that is bad enough and even if he had done NOTHING you have the right to ask him to leave if you no longer want him in your house even if the reason for that is you freaking out and overreacting.
But your last thread and this thread makes it clear that you are no-where near in the right place to be dating. I actually do think that YOU are pretty fucked up (who wouldn't be after what you have been through) and need some sort of counselling/programme.
But you are not going to listen to that are you? You are going to keep launching your vulnerable self into relationships. Nearly all of your replies on this thread are focussed on him - not nearly enough about yourself and how you you need to deal with what has happened to you and how it has affected you.
He gaslit you on a second date! You are well rid of him, imagine what he would be like further down the line!
Your instincts were spot on, well done for getting him to leave.
Have just realised I'm starting a new job soon and may run into him occasionally as he has to call there sometimes
Jackie I agree with the others who say you are rushing yourself.
I totally understand why you are rushing yourself. but you really do need to accept the sad truth that even though you were in no way to blame for the EA that happened in previous rs you are the one who has to take the time and deal with it. for you . It isn't fair but it is necessary.
if he has moved on, good riddance, and pity her. don't go dating as a reaction to what he does. it should be a reaction to what you need.
As soon as i realised what had happened to me i wanted to be better to be over it, to move on. but it just does not work like that.
You have not done anything wrong here. you have learned that your boundaries are in place and you can assert yourself. that is a good thing. and you have observed that you don't trust. you may need to work on that odd you may just need to give it time.
All of this is stuff you have to work through. and if you need to analyse it here, then that is good. but just remember no picking up the big stick and be kind to yourself
It does get better.
Er no sarah I have actually done really well since the breakup and obviously it's a steep learning curve still. Well I've tried this and I've learnt. No I am not going to keep launching myself into relationships.
If it appears I'm focused on him that's wrong as its not how I feel, I am working through my own reactions in my head and on here so as to learn from it, not because I'm bothered about him
Jackie in all honesty, i think you did the right thing asking him to leave, you wasn't comfortable, so clearly the relationship was not going to be - so time to go. You have done nothing wrong.
However, i do agree with the posters who have said that you need to get over the abusive relationship before you start dating again. Not all men are abusive and trying to get you into bed. Some men, on being asked up for coffee would assume that some sort of hanky panky might MIGHT take place. Some, not all, and even the some that do, it doesn't make them bad if they mis-read the queues, so long as they don't push it. Maybe this guy was just bad at reading the situation, maybe he was a bit socially inadequate and didn't handle the situation well, maybe when it came to it, you thought, ewww, no, im not wanting this, and asked him to leave, he left - he didn't push it any further. He is not the guy for you, and you are certainly not ready for this sort of relationship yet, but i don't think he was one of the bad guys. Please don't be scared.
Thing is, the way i see it, if you didn't want to get it on, by that stage - he wasn't the one for you anyway - i know that sounds trite but sexual attraction is a pretty strong thing, i wanted to jump DPs bones the first time we met and probably would have if i wasn't on my period So if I had offered him in for coffee, then it absolutely would have meant more, because i felt a very strong sexual attraction. The fact that you didn't want any of that tells me that actually, you weren't that into him? I could be way off on tht one and judging by my own standards but if there is no attraction then why bother?
If anyone read my story on the dating thread about meeting a nice guy only to have him blow hot and cold and then end it as he had just ended a relationship with a woman with mental health issues and he experienced job problems too. he decided he wasn't in the right frame of mind.
But he didn't decide that before I developed feelings for him.
My point is that if you know you're not emotionally available and can't commit to anything, why date at all? You run the risk not only of getting yourself into scary situations but of hurting others too if they begin to really like you.
If you run into him, chin up, chest out, no big deal. walk tall.
Keep repeating 'I owe him nothing. it was only two dates ffs'
The sense of guilt nd obligation that bring in an EA rs has left you with is hard to shake. but you owe him Nothing. you are not obliged. you have no need for guilt, shame or embarrassment of any sort.
I don't think dating is the right environment to make male friends if that's what you want. When two single adults get together over the metaphorical candlelit dinner table there are certain expectations on all sides (apologies if that offends anyone), the behaviour is artificial and 'sex' is the elephant in the room. Agree with the PP to socialise with people of all ages, genders and marital statuses as that's the way to make friends. Dating is the way you make lovers.
Dearjackie I don't understand why you were so frightened that you had a knife by your bed and were too scared to sleep.
You did so well.
For what it is worth, I once invited a man up for a coffee (he suggested, I made very clear it was for coffee only), not even a date, a new business contact who had offered to walk me home on a Friday night.
I could not get him out. He was verbally abusive for hours. I am angle to keep him talking and he eventually left without physical violence. It was horrid.
Do not worry about bumping into him. Remain polite. You behaved well. It is okay to have a change of mind.
I am a bit at some posts.
If I date, I am in it to find a lover, of course.
But I still expect not to be sleazed into bed by anyone.
I don't think it's the OP's expectations that were the issue here.
I don't know anything about your past relationship, but I think you definitely did the right thing last night. I would have been freaked out as well, and definitely got rid. So well done, and always use YOUR instincts they are there for a reason.
Yeah - I know, you said on your last thread how well you were doing too when people questioned whether you were dating too soon. But it all sounds a bit manic/too quick to have actually processed anything or its impact on you. Just how it seemed to me but I note what you say.
With regard to the debate about invitations home for coffee - if I am certain that I do not want to sleep with a guy then I do not invite them in for coffee. Hence a coffee invitation is at the least a "maybe". Women see invitations back for coffee in different ways so it is no wonder that guys do too. Regardless of that - it is still my decision whether coffee becomes anything more but any guy that I did invite back would be quite reasonable to think that something more was a possibility.
LilyBosom, thank you so much for the link upthread to the online Freedom Programme.
I have been thinking for a long time that I needed to do it, but I had a bit of counselling years ago when I left my abuser that really did not help at all so I was always a bit afraid to turn up somewhere else.
Now I'm in a situation where I'm happily married but have managed to get myself entangled in an organisation where the head person is very reminiscent of my abuser and I know I need to do something or else I'll continue to find these people.
I saw in your post about the online programme, have signed up and done chapter 1 this morning, many thanks
Am so pleased MissGarth I found it a bit harrowing I must admit, and wish I had taken a bit more time to do the course, but have found it absolutely invaluable & so worthwhile.
Thanks, interesting what you say about wishing you had spent more time on it..I felt my head might explode if I did any more today so I was planning to do one chapter each day, but maybe I'll do one every other day instead now x
My love, micro analysing a new relationship when you've had dreadful, abusive relationships in thé past is absolutely normal! We have to go through it imo, to understand that we do have all the tools (instinct, balls etc) to spot a 'red flag' and end the relationship right there and then.
So. Lesson 1 complete! You know your instincts are working, and that you have the balls and courage to get yourself out of a less than satisfactory liaison.
Now you can relax a little, and prepare for lesson 2: a better kind of boyfriend.
This won't be the 'Forever Man' either, you will learn from him and move on.
Meantime enjoy the 'Transition Men' keep your eyes and mind open, and your heart and soul protected!
You did well here! Really well. Do the freedom programme online asap, but offline too, it's an investment in you that will protect you from future harm as far as twattish blokes are concerned.
Be proud of yourself love, you've started your recovery from an abusive relationship.
Be kind to yourself too, you deserve that!
To all those in or out of former abusive relationships, please know that if you don't treat it, the scars will stay forever, there isn't any alternative to therapy/freedom prog imo.
The issues pre-date the abuse, so you have to look at them first, but in context.
The FP isn't a golden bullet, but it's a good start.
hissy excellent post. that is what was trying and failing to say about moving on and working through
(still to chicken to do Fp but really should)
Love, I had to ring WA, sob down the phone to them for an hour, JUST to get the strength to book myself on the FP!
I've come an AWFUL long way in the last 2 years.
From agoraphobia to chair of a DV charity, and giving talks on DV to up to 80 army personnel/officers.
The FP didn't do all that, but it was an important ingredient!
What have you got to lose? Fear? What have you got to gain? Your strong self back.
No contest really!
It's 12 (free) weeks where you get to hear that none of this was your fault, but also examining the dynamic of what's happened to you, and to your DC.
Great advice hissy
I am a regular from the EA thread (with a new cake name)
Jackie you still sound very fragile and not ready for all this. Be kind to yourself and take more time. We can see it even if you can't.
I am still with my Transition Man after two years. We have a rolling "6 week renewal" clause which has just passed it's 16th review! We both were a bit battered when we met and in need of TLC.
The point is that even if some guys view a coffee invitation as "a maybe" when he tried I TOLD him clearly it was too soon for that I didn't know him enough, then he STILL tried to push and as soon as he started saying are you frightened THAT freaked me out, because it was a very odd thing to ask in my opinion within the context of what was going on. I took it to mean rightly or wrongly that I may have reason to be frightened of the situation. Also he had some very un- nerving expressions on his face. I am not normally like this but something felt wrong
Thank you all for helping. I will definately take a look at the freedom program
I think you're really developing good radar for bad situations, and you did absolutely the right thing getting this guy out of your house!!
I have also found that it is best not to invite a guy in at all unless I'm really sure about him, and would be open to sex. They somehow just assume that's on the agenda when invited inside a home.... so you might just keep it to pubic spaces until they seem really trustworthy to you.
brokenhearted sorry to read of you experience. I don't think I backed off because I'm emotionally un available . Yes I went through a lot with ex and may have some scars which need to heal but I don't love him anymore, that has defiantly died.
I backed off because he scared me. Also because we had a chat and it turned out although he was wanting a relationship apparently he had asked his ex to marry him only in MAY and here we are in SEPT and he's saying he's over her. I felt that actually he was probably emotionally Unavailable and that made me put the brakes on
LEM there was an attraction not a mad lust like with ex but that's why I liked it because I didn't want that again to that extent. But I did fancy him until he started behaving like that. I also had felt he was a ice person and we laughed together which I had hoped may be a relationship which would develop slowly. I had all the mad, passionate, dive straight in thing with ex and look where it lead
Jackie hope you are feeling better this evening after your unnerving experience
Thank you mink yes I'm feeling a lot better now x
What's your plan with this man Jackie?
You know, I read something recently that talked about how many women are victims of rape because they are so socialised into being polite and accommodating that they learn to dismiss their misgivings and turn off their protective radar when something isn't right. And so they go along with all kinds of initial approaches that actually unsettle them, because they tell themselves they're over-reacting and being hysterical, and then it's too late.
This guy was trying really hard to pressure you into sex, spoke unpleasantly about women who are sexually active, tried to talk you into taking things into bed "just to cuddle" (good luck with reporting a rapist who did that first after a date, sadly) and then started asking if you were frightened. Sure, he may have meant that innocently. But someone in work requiring an enhanced CRB should know all about boundaries, and safeguarding. And I would have been scared shitless, too.
I think you should be proud of yourself. He might have been harmless but weird and creepy, in which case you wanted him out, and he was being really rude trying to pressure you and gaslighting you. Or he might have been a potential attacker - and by asserting yourself, you removed yourself from that situation. I hope I'd have the guts to do likewise in a similar situation, but honestly I have no idea if I would. I think the social conditioning on being polite and not offending even people invading our space is painfully strong.
This man is a desperate creep and an abuser, and you were absolutely right to throw him out. You owe him nothing at all: not sex, not a rrelationship, not another date, not a discussion about why you don't want to see him again.
If there are any more emails, reply along the lines of 'I don't want to take this any further, have a nice life and do not contact me again.' If he carries on pestering you, it's fine to inform the police that you are being harassed. A friend of mine dumped a short-term boyfriend for assorted red flags, he harassed her with emails, phonecalls, flowers etc and she involved the police. She said she felt a bit silly doing that but the police were marvellous, took her complaint seriously and went and warned the man off.
Victims of abuse often go on to attract more creatures of similar types.
This is because - I feel - we give off something in our demeanour that they are attracted to.
When we see a potential threat, as you have done here dearjackie, and vanquish that perceived demon, our confidence grows, we develop a kind of emotional force field that actively and actually REPELS potentially dodgy/abusive dates.
When we realise our ability to protect ourselves is there and we can trust it, as you have, that force field is established.
Until we deal with past abuse, deal with the issues that caused that abuse to be perpetrated against us, we'll have this potential homing beacon for twats.
Investing in ourselves,healing ourselves of the wounds of past dysfunctional relationships will protect and ensure our safety in the future... as long as we trust our instincts, and value ourselves above everyone else when it really matters.
When you get to this place, it's awesome! You feel invincible and know that you can spot and repel a person that may harm you or mess up your head. This in turn helps keep these weak, snide, desperate little creatures away from you.
Remember, for someone to be with you, they have to be worthy of the best job in the world; to be loved by you, so make sure they're worth it!
I think one of the dating rules should be you don't invite people who are essentially strangers round your house after knowing them for a few hours
I met my partner online and for the first few dates it was in very public places and where my family knew where I was just in case. You can't be too careful.
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