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pain in my chest

(107 Posts)
sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 10:07:52

I've been alone for 6 weeks after my husband of 32years left me. I'm in a state of horror and stunned unreality. I have no children at home and no relations closer than 80miles away. Moved to the middle of nowhere - 5 miles from a village - 10 years ago with the idea of saving money(!) and working less. Didn't really have a clear plan except that my partner is bipolar and we thought this would be less stressful.

I am finding the days passing so incredibly painful I can hardly eat/sleep or even breathe properly. This site has been amazingly helpful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Sep-13 10:09:40

Joining in from your old thread.... Have you got anything nice planned for today?

Whatnext074 Sun 29-Sep-13 10:11:54

I am going through a similar pain and didn't want to read and run. I understand how you are feeling.

Do you have an understanding GP you can talk to?

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 11:46:21

Hi as well. I ahve mentioned steps before. What is either the thing most urgent, or the thing that is taking the most of your angst.

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 18:23:56

i so want to write on this board, but I keep having panic attack after panic attack. going to go for a walk...

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 18:30:10

Oh you poor poor thing. <hugs>
Perhaps it is best if you see the doctor?

Have you a friendly relative you could stay with for a bit?

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 19:16:34

I have work/animals/house etc etc to look after and frankly at the moment the thought of packing/going anywhere/being in someone else's space/not being able to eat cornflakes at 3am and most of all SCREAM is not inviting. Beloved dog doesn't much appreciate the screaming - but she's so loving she sits patiently in the doorway until I finish and then comes to have a cuddle. So lucky to have no neighbours anyway - but it does hurt your throat! When will I start to be angry with the bastard? Seeing dr in the morning - not sure what to say, but he's asking for lots of blood tests etc as weight loss has been so dramatic (does that if you don't eat!). Worth checking out anyway. It feels so awful to be just passing the days until it hurts less - what a way to spend my 58th year. So wicked when people are ill/homeless/war torn/starving etc etc struggling etc to be so self indulgently howling around the place making my family and friends so unhappy too. I feel ashamed of myself as well and that is so unhelpful.

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 19:23:06

Not sure when the anger kicks in. Perhaps it wont in your somewhat unique case.

Liking your dog btw!

Glad the doctor is looking into things.

No need to feel ashamed. 32 years is a huge chunk of your life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 29-Sep-13 19:38:17

After spending such a long time with someone who needed special treatment and allowances making for his behavioural issues, you're still in that mindset. You'll probably only start to feel angry when you start to see his decision to leave you as deliberate & conscious and not as a result of something over which he has no control.

It's not self-indulgent to feel crushed at being humiliated and rejected. I'm not surprised you're screaming. The isolation is worrying, though. If you're on your own in an empty house with no neighbours and nothing to do, you'll end up dwelling on everything. IME if you can close down the amount of time when your mind is unoccupied, it helps keep the grief manageable. All you can tell your GP is the truth and then discuss some options.

FavoriteThings Sun 29-Sep-13 21:05:29

Agree about the being on your own all the time stuff.

As regards the ill/wartorn/starving stuff, my take is that a person cannot help them much until a person is feeling right themselves.

cjel Sun 29-Sep-13 21:22:48

You have no shame to have, please try and lose that.I haven't read your other thread, but had to leave mine as he had ow, 2years ago after being together for 35 yrs (30 married) so I know that pain. I didn't scream I cried and cried and cried and cried!!! my advice would be to just do what you feel like, but eat even when the food repulses you , get supplement shake (complan) juice and soups.even if you don't enjoy it your body can use it. Think of things that you may want to try in the future and listen to music I found it hard to not get a mood change when putting on a good cd. do what ever you want when you are having a panic attack but remember than you can sit down and say to it 'come on do your worst' the less you are scared by it the less power it will have. If it was anything serious a walk wouldn't cure it. Panic attacks have already done their worst to you and will always end. Will you ask for someone to come and stay with you for a while? if you can't face going away get someone i n the house with you. BTW I have never felt angry and just have great pity for mine but made the hard work to choose to concentrate on my new life and not 'them' - don't always mange it but its getting easier.
How you feeling now?x

sssosad Sun 29-Sep-13 23:10:28

I'm being spoiled with visitors, my brother has been here for the weekend, he has parkinsons, hasn't driven more than five miles for the past two years and has just come a 200 mile round trip to spend 48 hours with me. It has been hard work! Might even be able to sleep after this.
I can't face going away at present, but I seem to be managing to have visitors every weekend and the odd mid week night too. The kindness is astonishing.

cjel it's great to hear the strength in your words. Thank you, are men really just bastards?

Article I read yesterday said "let go or be dragged" I think that sums up how I've behaved and gives me strength to just not contact him/not see him/ let him just find out how sad and boring the life of a man on his own, working from home alone with a passion for a woman who wants no more than friendship from him is.

I am alone, but have at least ten friends within a couple of miles who will all come if i actually ring them (back in some cases!). I've got work twice a week and evening meetings if I can face them. I do masses of volunteer work which is handy when you need favours as we all spend lots of time just helping each other fill our commitments! I'm lucky, I had a lot of favours to call in (and boy have I ever!). I think at present my biggest problem is just being so desperately upset when i see anyone I care about who knows what's going on. I breakdown so badly i can see I frighten people and that's awful. It means I feel I should stay away and that just makes it worse. Village life is hell! so I'm very lucky to be a few miles the isolations and the quiet. Thank goodness! I'd be well scuppered if I didn't feel like that.

Favouritethings: I think one of the biggest angsts is to do with his proximity....It's unfortunate that my darling husband is only a mile away and in a lot of ways he's much freer than I to move about the area. He says he'd be perfectly happy if we just bump into each other (ah yes, particularly if Miss Joan Hunter Dunne shoud happen to be enjoying her close friend's company) ...I certainly won't be going to the pub any evening soon...I imagine he's spending more and more time there which won't be adding to his stimulating new head space. (Of couse, Miss H.D. won't go to the pub in the evening with him - that would be a different sort of friendship! she'll just have her coffee and three roll ups - funny that bit! - after a hearty game and buzz off to see her stupid boyfriend!)
Also, I hate that I can see the building he lives in when I walk the dog (Why do I go that way? hmm, I could start with that one...). I made a declaration to the dog the day he left that i wouldn't let her have a day without a walk, oh I have achieved something in 5 weeks - and it's become something of a I've remembered to not take a phone with me! I spend much too much time talking on the phone to friends. I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back".
I won't really have made any progress till I stop that I imagine.

whatnext074: I'm seeing him in the morning again to explain why I think I'm grieving not depressed and why I'm not starting taking antidepressants today.....thank you

night night all you lovely people.

Whatnext074 Sun 29-Sep-13 23:54:09

'night sssosad, hope you sleep well.

Glad you have support. Hope it goes well with the doctor, take care

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 07:43:57

" I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back"."

My very oldest, wisest friend was there for me at a similar time. Held my hand while I rambled on. Drank scotch into the wee small hours to keep me company. Told me I was too good for him etc. But one day, several weeks down the track, she looked me square in the eye mid-sobbing session and said 'That's enough of feeling sorry for yourself ... now.. he's not coming back so what are you going to do next?' Brought me up short but had the desired effect.

What I'm saying is that there comes a point when you can consciously decide you've had enough of feeling wretched. It doesn't mean you flick a switch to 'happy' but - rather like your promise to the dog - you can promise yourself you are going to get back into society, go to the pub, not lose your composure and so on.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 08:58:42

I think you're probably right and I don't know how long your relationship had been...but I'm afraid there's a strong correlation between times.....five weeks after 32 years isn't very long. i hope/know that point will come. my problem is getting to that point and fearing it's a long way off.
I really can't know that he isn't coming back - some do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 09:23:48

Some do. Mine did in fact and, in a way, it turned out to be cathartic. It was 12 years in my case and like you I was very distressed. When he returned I was overjoyed, thought we could resolve things. However, what actually happened was that I realised a) I hated him for the pain he'd caused me and b) his heart wasn't in it. He left again and it was still painful but more like the pain of getting something bad removed...

ALittleStranger Mon 30-Sep-13 09:32:57

" I don't know quite what I expect them to say....but the only ones I hear are those telling me to keep him away and look after myself and all I really want them to be saying is "he'll come back"."

They won't say it because it's very unlikely to be untrue and it would be cruel to give you false hope.

I thought my mother was horribly blunt when I split from my exDP. She told me he wasn't "depressed", he wasn't "confused", he'd just decided he wanted to be with someone elsemore. Ouch, but necessary. The thing you have to remember is how much there will have been going on below the water before he made the announcement. People do not end 32 year marriages on a whim, he will have been thinking about this for a long time and unforunately his mind is made up. You are unfortunately going through all the deliberation that he probably processed months if not years ago.

It is horrendous, it really is, but it does get better. Keep asking for support here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 09:43:51

I think I love your mother ALittleStranger. smile

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 09:46:42

Cogitoergosometimes: I think I understand that and I fear that may be how it works out with us. I don't know that we could survive my having been so much of a punchbag. But the catharsis is definitely the missing bit.

alittlestranger: I wish it was so, he's been in therapy for the last two years and never mentioned any problems with the marriage. He's bipolar, so every up and every down has been huge for year after year. Huge flip falling in love with someone who doesn't want him has caused him to feel that he's well for the first time in 30 years. He says when he realised the love was unrequited he also realised it was his 'last chance' to try living on his own, separate and independent. Beyond that he has no plans.
He's taken a flat for six months to try to work out what he wants. Last week said it was unlikely he'd want to come back. Other times other messages - that's why I need to keep away.

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 11:28:30

"I really cant know that he isnt coming back". I think at some point, and the sooner the better, you need to , and I hesitate to work out which word here, "accept" or "decide" that he isnt.

Options in hope that he does. Sort of sit on the fence, wait, pine.
b.cut him off completely
c.decide he isnt for now and may be forever. Yes he may somewhere quite a long way in time but no guarantee. And sort out your life accordingly.

I think you should choose option c.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 11:51:57

"every up and every down has been huge for year after year"

I'm convinced this is a big part of why you're struggling to deal with this. If you've had 32 years of acclimatising to 'huge' ups and downs, it's tempting to tell yourself this is just more of the same.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 13:30:48

last two messages are so good. Yes, option c is the right one. How to live it?
so want to phone him. so want to see him. mustn't mustn't mustn't

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 13:52:55

You really love him dont you. That is at the heart of it? Not having ever had a serious break up, I wont know exactly what you are going through.
I would imagine that if someone dies, or someone cheats on you, or someone constantly lets you down, are different break ups to this. I was trying to think what there might be to google, or some literature you could read. Maybe try seperating from someone who has depression, or something like that? You could probably benefit from reading about others who have gone through something similar to yourself.

I keep thinking that him living so near isnt helping. Perhaps longer term, more distance is needed between you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 14:32:36

The heart of it FavoriteThings is the hot and cold treatment. In a traditional (if there's such a thing) break-up situation, the partner that wants out gets out and stays out. Horrible but at least it's a clean finish and everyone knows the score. In the messier break-ups, the partner that wants out tries to keep their options open..... and that is an incredibly cruel and confusing thing to be on the wrong end of.

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 15:03:47

i have googled - so fat without much joy. yes, I love him so much, he's part of me...almost all my adult life has been spent with him.I can skype my daughter soon and I need to be able to say I haven't phoned him..keep strong, keep strong.

FavoriteThings Mon 30-Sep-13 15:08:23

Oh. I am out of my depth on that one. I have no experience of break ups like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 15:34:00

Well done OP for staying strong. Like all bad habits, the longer you abstain, the less compelling they become smile

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 18:46:53

so upset to find a close friend has been telling my husband about all my visitors and how ''well'' she thinks I'm doing. I don't want him snooping and spying on me. If he wants to know how I am he should email me, not just be made to feel better about himself because he's reassured I'm ok. I shouted at her and then felt a shit and had to go round to apologise...but it's right isn't it? he doesn't deserve to be given glad tidings of me?
Dr was great, just said I shouldn't take the antidepressants for grief, but can take the less than half dose of diazepam, less than half dose of sleeping pills and top up with valerian drops. Still can't seem to get more than 4 hrs sleep. Crummy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 30-Sep-13 18:55:04

Why is your close friend chatting to your ex anyway? Zero loyalty...

sssosad Mon 30-Sep-13 18:56:24

Not really, they're a married couple, close friends of us both, and he went to see them both.....but I think she 'got' that she hadn't helped anyone...

sssosad Tue 01-Oct-13 11:51:04

Had to phone him today to get details of bank stuff. He confused me so much talking about how he had no idea it would be so hard for me and stuff I've ended up agreeing to a longer phone call at 1pm.
Now torn up all over again, foul foul foul. He said "do you want me to come back?" what did he mean? he said "I just wanted to know you were ok that's why I asked helen how you were". i said if he wanted to know how I am he should email me. Not use my friends to spy on me.
SO painful, my chest is thumping with it all.

FavoriteThings Tue 01-Oct-13 12:00:42

Will reply later, and fuller,hopefully before 1pm when I have more time. I do think that close friends, especially if they are a couple are rather caight in the middle. They are best not to slag off anyone. Dont know how they would manage to stay friends with both sides. Lots of diplomacy needed.

cjel Tue 01-Oct-13 12:26:02

We have friends who have stayed friends to both of us , but we don't discuss the other.
Are you sure you want a longer phone call? it sounds as if he is going to have some sort of power kick by thinking he will be the answer to all your problems?confused

FavoriteThings Tue 01-Oct-13 13:22:27

This is my opinion on it. Might be wrong.
I cant really see anything wrong with him asking Helen how you were, and her giving him her honest opinion. OK to say that he has to email about that in future.

The phone call now. Sorry I couldnt be back earlier. Up to you. But keep emotional distance, and dont expect him back. Have it, with a note by hte phone if necessary, that he isnt coming back. Remember point c.

sssosad Wed 02-Oct-13 13:02:04

Thank you. Yesterday I worked extra hours which was good...but we had a 2.5hr phone call. It was really about how things went wrong - but it was good, calm and I did snipe and bitch, but he took it all and didn't attempt to justify it. He said he thought we should think about some therapy together in the not too distant future. He was NOT saying he wants to come back/ he wasn't saying he wants to stay free. He really doesn't know what he wants at all. The not girlfriend has again said she just wants to be friends, doesn't love or fancy him .On being pressed apparently just said You're too old - 20 yr gap is too big. However much he fantasises that really isn't going to change! He says he wants to stop being in love with her - and thinks it's happening. I don't think anything will change in any way until he does. I did feel strong and calm for the rest of the day and handled a difficult meeting at work with a good outcome. First time I've really had to put my head above the parapet at work since he left. Strangely I felt calmer all evening, not because I think he's coming back, but because we are being supportive and kind to each other and I think after 32 years that's probably the only way we can be. I know I'll survive if he doesn't come back - I know time will change everything and maybe I won't even want him to when/if he wants to. But this is such early days and so much is in flux.

FavoriteThings Wed 02-Oct-13 13:28:24

"I know I'll survive if he doesnt come back". Well done . Maybe without you realising it, you have made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. Even 4 days ago, I dont think you would have written that.

sssosad Wed 02-Oct-13 14:02:06

thank you, hard to see progress, but maybe you're right. I'm glad I copied my old thread and can read all the good stuff you wrote on that too.

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 09:22:30

still feeling more normal and a tiny bit stronger...sun shining. I banged my head badly in a shop yesterday - corner of a shelf. I have a huge bruise on my temple and pain all the way into my jaw. Yes, i did make them put it in the accident book! I think it's woken me up a bit!

cjel Thu 03-Oct-13 09:43:28

Sorry you hurt, perhaps its banging some sense into youconfused How do you feel apart from the head injury?x

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 10:43:56

weirdly ended up going out to dinner with him last night, constructive talk....not sure where we're going, but communicating without freaking out is certainly a step forward. Now no contact for a bit to let me digest and see where I am. Listening to music for the first time - thank you for that! ipod so full of us I haven't been able to bear it, but shuffle is good most of the time....
I don't feel as though I'm just fantasising about him coming back, but i do feel more as though it's my choice too! standing taller and just managed to eat a reasonable breakfast....thank you

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 11:52:45

I'm glad you're feeling stronger OP.

I think joint therapy with someone who's bipolar is problematic.

Any couples therapist like Relate or similar don't have the training or experience to deal with someone who's bipolar.

I don't know if he's doing therapy anyhow related to his illness. If he's not he should.

Personally, in your situation I'd want to have therapy on my own.

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 14:13:37

I think ideally it would be with a psychologist/psychotherapist with a lot of experience. He is in CBT therapy and also sees a psychiatrist regularly as well as gp. I'm in therapy - doing CAT for 20 weeks. All of it private - even a psychiatrist on the NHS is useless - four different ones at four consecutive appointments (so easy to discuss changes and progress when you've never met someone before!). His illness has been such a huge financial burden for so many years! We did 6 sessions of couples counselling a few months ago - but as he now agrees, he wasn't really engaging with it at all as, although he continued to say he wanted to stay married, it didn't seem as though he was engaged with the work. Now think she was just bewildered by the pair of us. Actually I am too.

Last night he talked far too much about loving the non-girlfriend and I screamed at it him for it. He said he can\t get through 48 hrs without seeing her! I was chuffed that I got through a week without seeing him. Bastard didn't seem to see any correlation between the two! so weird, a loves b loves c - But he can't take those 20 years off his life whatever he does and she ain't going to give over. He also talked about the reasons he can't come back. I was astonished by them, they were all things which two intelligent people who love each other and want something to work should be eminently capable of achieving.

I don't think I'm letting myself get high on it all. But I did think at one point, that I'd really like him to be wanting to come back so that I could really work out if I want to go on with it. Put me in the driving seat and see what I want to do with the next 25years.
He ended up being so much more positive about everything that I went to bed thinking there'd be a horrible email today saying that actually he didn't think x y or z and had just got confused last night. Nothing came, and annoyingly we ended up bumping into each other an hour ago. Still, I got to say, was he happy about how the evening had gone? and he said he was.

Trying to stay cool.

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 15:12:22

What were his reasons why he 'can't' come back?

I'm not convinced he loves this woman, it's infatuation... she's not interested, it's not real...

I agree with you that he really needs to want to come back.

At the moment he's got you hanging on, desperate to resolve things, and you're in a horrible situation of having to play second fiddle to his folie de fantasie.

MN introduced me to Chump Lady & this an apt summary:

The humiliating dance of pick me

Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 15:20:40

this is an apt summary ^

sssosad Thu 03-Oct-13 15:32:02

The first reason was "because you'll never forgive me" went onto, "I want to spend time alone with my friends" "I don't like doing crosswords with you" "we always have a bad time on holidays" "you don't work full-time" (err he doesn't either) etc etc oh yes, "you blame the not-girlfriend" and so on. None of them seemed to be areas I could see as insurmountable - like "I want to live alone" or "I don't love you" etc. I think nothing can happen until he stops this insane infatuation - he keeps on using the word "limerence" and has apparently even asked her if they couldn't just have a pity-fuck to knock it on the head! she responded by saying "yuck! what a disgusting idea" - she is so weird! who could listen to this crap and yet still want to see him for a game and a coffee three times a week? surely at some stage she'll just get bored? I think it's mainly flattery and attention that she's turned on by, but even so? yes, I think it's all in his head.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I'm just much more interested in who I am and what I want and to that end I just want to spend time alone and work out how I can be comfortable/relaxed and myself on my own. I feel much much stronger and am filling my diary up as fast as I can.

Feeling physically so much stronger and hey I'm really enjoying my new body - 3stone off has made me look a lot younger.

He's away for a few days now and I'm going to take the opportunity to take a friend down to the pub and see some old friends without worrying that he may be coming in any minute (or worse still needing to ring him beforehand and say I'm going down so please don't).

He wants to meet up regularly to talk more and work on things - even managed to say that the ideal conclusion would be us back together again. I've heard him say everything under the sun (he spares me nothing) and I don't think these words mean much more than any others. I don't think anything between us can be meaningful or useful until he finally lets go of the limerence.....and so I just have to get on with ME.

Love the link! very well put.


Twinklestein Thu 03-Oct-13 16:19:03

I'm infuriated at the situation he's putting you in.

He's trying desperately to have an affair and failing because he's too flipping old to be attractive to this woman. (The failed pity fuck attempt is just hilarious).

But he wants you to meet up every few days to discuss the situation and rub your nose in it. Telling you where you've gone wrong. Oh - he doesn't like doing the crossword with you, and oh - you only work part time. (Perhaps you would work full time if you were not caring for someone with serious mental health problems!)

He's got both you & this OW dancing round him & he's revelling in the attention & the power. Chump Lady is absolutely right that your husband wants this competition to go on indefinitely. It's all food to his ego.

The implication of all this - utterly false and utterly disrespectful to you - is the following:

the OW is better, she is who he wants, but he can't get her and he'll hang out with you for pity because you're so upset about him leaving.
He will tell you where you went wrong (crosswords, holidays etc)
All the while underlining that your role in his life is to be his carer: it's your job to make sure he's happy & healthy, any bits you miss he's entitled to get from another woman.

It's all complete nonsense of course. Disgraceful. You are clearly such a lovely person, and if anyone does not deserve anyone here, he does not deserve you.

The only way to make this work is to pull the rug from under him completely. Ditch him (or make him think you have) and become the unattainable woman, the one he had, but lost. The one he aspires to be with, but can't.

At the moment you're chasing him & he's loving it. As long as you do that he will identify you as the one who's not good enough.

Once he sees he's lost you completely, his so-called feelings for the OW will collapse. He'll become critical of her. She'll become inferior because he has her and not you.

I know how much you love him, how much you want to see him and understand what happened. But if you continue seeing him he will never face reality. I don't think anything he's saying is real anyway, so it's not even helpful.

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 08:22:12

I think you're right and I just have to be strong. so hard.
Mornings are the pits

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 08:35:11

Morning sssosad, I find that the best way to deal with that crap morning feeling is to get up and start it, then you find its afternoon and you've passed it. I know how hard it is and want to say that I think he is being horrid to you and you may be giving the fact that he is bipolar too much space in all this, Nothing he says is due to that, its all due to the fact hes a normal cheating man. Really hard but hes not special just an idiot and I would try with everything you have to start to live with no contact with him.sad

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 11:29:59

thank you. not helped today by fasting blood test......feelinh dreadful again. on sofa, howling,

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 13:38:57

have you been able to eat yet? is your dog howling wit you? mine used to!!
How are you feelingnow?

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 13:49:38

no, dog is scared. eaten bread and cheese but threw up,panic attack.samaritans.
what did i do to deserve this?

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 14:07:58

You did nothing to deserve any of this and mustn't think that you have. The only thing you have been is too kind and too supportive of giving your life to someone who didn't take care of you back.
It is the hardest lesson to learn but you can take better care of yourself given half the chance.
Panic attacks will not cause you any harm, they will follow the same pattern and will always end. There is a good helpline called 'no panic' if you want to talk to someone about them - I used to phone and they talked to me while I was going through them.
You will be able to eat to eat again when you have settled, the dog will recover too!!
Just do what you need to look after yourself, you will feel better, and get fed up with feeling low so you will get up to do something.
Try not to worry about how low you feel. A low mood always passes just let it pass through you .x

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 14:18:16

thank you for being there

Twinklestein Fri 04-Oct-13 14:21:31

I'm sorry to hear you're low OP. xx

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 14:25:58

trouble is sssosad, I have been theresad but also come out the other side and risen to a better life than I had ever thought

sssosad Fri 04-Oct-13 14:37:01

thank you for the flowers

cjel Fri 04-Oct-13 14:42:19

grin you DESERVE them!!!!

sssosad Sat 05-Oct-13 16:52:24

trying so hard to be strong

Whatnext074 Sat 05-Oct-13 17:44:10

I'm thinking of you sssosad. I'm afraid today I can't find words of comfort for you as I know the weekends are probably the hardest to get through and I myself am trying to be strong.

Did it help to talk to the Samaritans?

Just know that someone else is thinking of you and wishing you well.

cjel Sat 05-Oct-13 18:31:04

Hello my lovely , I am in on my own for the evening again!! Is your H still away is it this weekend you can go out without seeing him or is he back now?x

FavoriteThings Sat 05-Oct-13 18:47:35

You seem to be having good days[relatively] and bad days through all of this. I suspect that this is perfectly normal. Today seems a bad one. By my calculations, tomorrow should be better! Lets hope so. Thinking of you.

sssosad Sat 05-Oct-13 22:36:30

Spent lots of time in the garden got damsons picked and bottled and plums frozen thanks to loving sister in law. Eaten lots, watch crap movie, walked dog. Sent email to husband in answer to my condition which finished a conversation he was starting.....I did it without realising until I'd sent it. Felt triumphant!
thank you,
(didn't manage pub...but it was a nice idea! just couldn't quite face it)

sssosad Sun 06-Oct-13 08:42:18

Whatnext074 - hope you have something planned for today? sun is shining away up there! (or anyway it is down here? )
Can't help wondering if mornings aren't so crap because of sleeping pills - but so nice to sleep!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Oct-13 08:47:30

Hope you're OK this morning OP

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 11:54:30

Morning OP, sounds like yesterday was lovely. Hope today is just as good for youflowers

Twinklestein Sun 06-Oct-13 13:37:03

How I love damsons! I hope you're having a bearable day. x

sssosad Sun 06-Oct-13 20:40:20

just took proper control of a panic attack and stopped it. Huge relief.
Good day, hope you're all having one too....

Whatnext074 Sun 06-Oct-13 21:32:56

sssosad - sun was shining here too but sadly I almost wish it was raining and gloomy as I live in a beautiful part of the country and I can't face going out and enjoying it. I did have my DM here today though and my DS is home tonight until tomorrow so have company tonight.

You should be so proud that you took control of your panic attack, did you tell yourself to breathe properly? Hope you're giving your dog lots of cuddles.

Thinking of you and looking back to your first post, you are doing so well.

cjel Sun 06-Oct-13 21:52:56

well done sssosad once you don't fear them they will not be there any more!! Whatnext -sorry you can't face going out. Hears wine to a good week for all of us.

sssosad Sun 06-Oct-13 23:29:27

Whatnext - it does feel as though the wind should be howling and the rain lashing doesn't it? I feel so stupid to be wishing away these fine October days .....I'll only be 57 once! I want to enjoy it! Tomorrow will be another of them ......let's both try to enjoy it?

Bloody Downton Abbey even had silly Lady Mary bouncing about on the back of a blasted horse regretting not just her stupid husband's death but the loss of who she had been when she was with him. The moment Downton Abbey turns into how I spend my sunday evenings and then CRY at the ghastly plot twists seems to me to resemble the bottom of the pit. Presumably the only way is up?! xx

cjel - I wish I could remember what I did do?!
I broke a favourite dish. It was a small square crude casserole - found it in the garden when we moved here - made by a clever gcse student I imagine. I loved it. I started to howl and scream and the bluegrey cloud came up around me - and then suddenly I was ok again. Annoying not to be able to remember what I did!

Whatnext074 Sun 06-Oct-13 23:36:14

I don't watch D/Abbey but if you would like a different perspective on it and view it in a different light then you should watch Gogglebox, C4 on Wednesdays. It's pretty much the only thing I pay attention to on TV at the moment and it's about different families watching TV and making comments on the week's TV - sounds dull but it's very entertaining. The posh couple on there making comments about Lady Mary are priceless.

sssosad Sun 06-Oct-13 23:46:29

you're the second person to mention Gogglebox...will do, night night

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 06-Oct-13 23:46:34

I want to say something supportive..trying to find the right words and it's late and I am tired...Want to say:

1. Hope your blood tests show up anything that is wrong.
2. Hope your doctor takes your pulse and blood pressure. Sometimes the most obvious things can get overlooked these days, when once it was the kind of thing a GP did for every single thing. Anyway, worth asking doc to take pulse etc if hasn't been doing so.
3. Last but not least... flowers and Well probably a brew as it might well be morning by the time you read this! You sound so lovely, OP and a real inspiration. Thank you.

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 08:43:25

Phone just rang...I stupidly let him take my car for the weekend...he's got to bring it back...oh god, I don't want my day overwhelmed by this. Couldn't answer the phone.

FavoriteThings Mon 07-Oct-13 09:45:42

Did you think that it was him on the phone?

I think that as you understandably feel down, it makes everyday things seem frightening and overwhelming. Things that ordinarily you could cope with.

It sooo doesnt help that he lives so local to you. A physical distance between you of perhaps 50 miles or more might help you a lot.

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 10:47:17

now just waiting for him to come and I'm scared I'll just cry and be awful.

FavoriteThings Mon 07-Oct-13 11:21:30

I suppose it doesnt matter if you cry in front of him. Think you have to be and need to be the one in control fo the situation, no matter whether he is being reasonable or unreasonable. It needs to be all baout you now regardless of anything else. You need control of your own life for you. YOu have been frogotten along the way, by him and also by yourself. So if you cry, so what? If you dont cry, again, so what? You can do anything and be anything.
If he gets supportive, so what? Nice, but it doesnt change a thing , does it.

FavoriteThings Mon 07-Oct-13 11:22:56

You need to invest in yourself. Sounds selfish, but it is not. It is very necessary. What do you want your life to be like in a year's time?

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 15:48:48

not like this! he's been here for 4 hrs now.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 15:50:16

Why 4 hours?

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 15:50:42

fug nose

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 15:51:31

This is an opportunity to be in control. Tell him to leave.

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 15:51:34

crying and talking and on and on and on. He's gone to get more cigarettes to keep on going...

sssosad Mon 07-Oct-13 15:52:27

i know....

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 15:55:17

Just tell him to piss off. Seriously. What are you.. his therapist? .. his mother?... his all-purpose shoulder to cry on? hmm He has shat on you from a great height, left you reeling, damn near suicidal, three stone lighter and ... what?... he still thinks you're his friend?

Find the angry... stop letting him torment you.

FavoriteThings Mon 07-Oct-13 15:57:51

Agree with Cogito. Enough is enough. Show him the door.

FavoriteThings Mon 07-Oct-13 15:59:04

Actually, dont let him back through the door.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 16:05:10

"crying and talking and on and on and on."

Self-indulgent bollocks... Have you any respect left for this person and his crocodile tears? Don't you despise him for being so pathetic?

cjel Mon 07-Oct-13 18:32:06

Oh dear , did you let him back after he'd been out. Is it you or him crying? He needs to realise that you are not together anymore and he needs to do all this discussing with someone else. You are speding far too much time with him for your own good OP. He doesn't want you and is just using yousad

sssosad Tue 08-Oct-13 01:09:57

he wants to work it out. shell shocked.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 06:51:56

I hope you're OK this morning OP.

FavoriteThings Tue 08-Oct-13 08:04:36

Not sure what to write. I saw Cogito had posted, and I was hoping she had written more than she did! As she has more experience of this than me, from a certain pov anyway.

I noticed you posted this at 1am. Is this because you couldnt sleep. Or is he maybe still there? Not being nosy. Maybe you have talked for many hours?

I am a bit stunned myself. I am a bit concerned about the situation and for you tbh.

FavoriteThings Tue 08-Oct-13 08:08:17

Perhaps the ow has kicked him into touch?
I have been wondering from this thread, and the last one, whether he is one of those men who always has to have a girlfriend or wife. I know two men like this. They go into an absolute panic if they dont have a woman interested in them, for more than two weeks. Though once they get the woman, they seem to be generally trustworthy to them. Fear of losing one maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe they just then become content.

FavoriteThings Tue 08-Oct-13 08:09:40

Another theory. Perhaps you and the ow are good at persuading. Can I ask,[you dont have to answer], is did you try and subtly try and persuade him to come back?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 08:13:00

Sadly, I know what it's like when you feel so wretched and alone that, when the not-quite-ex-yet holds out some olive branch, you desperately want everything to go back to normal. And yet, even if you take the olive branch, you know things will not be normal. So, whatever happened, I just hope the OP is OK today.

cjel Tue 08-Oct-13 09:55:11

Morning OP. Thinking of you this morning. Remember what he wants doesn't have to be what you want as well.

Whatnext074 Tue 08-Oct-13 20:24:34

sssosad - I'm guessing yesterday was emotionally draining. How are you today?

sssosad Tue 08-Oct-13 20:49:57

not sure quite what's going on....just taking it conversation by by day...he's told Janine it's all over and he's not going to see her agine. He's going to go on living in his flat while we talk. He has never done anything like this in I think I have to reserve judgement for a few days at least.....I feel stronger, but scared.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Oct-13 20:54:20

Glad you're feeling stronger. How you play this now will determine how your life proceeds from here. Start as you mean to go on.

Whatnext074 Tue 08-Oct-13 21:00:47

Stay strong and thinking of you

Twinklestein Tue 08-Oct-13 21:31:26

Thinking of you (and damsons) x

sssosad Wed 09-Oct-13 14:59:21

sorry I can't put a bowl of delicious bottled damsons on here for you Twinklestein.....I am staying strong and I am keeping myself calm. I think CogitoErgoSometimes has the nail on the head to a tee.....I have to look after myself. to which end, I think he's got to a do a lot of serious talking and, naff though it sounds, quite a lot of wooing and courting before he has a chance of making this work. I feel anxious that it will all fall apart, but I think we have a chance. I've got my sister here for a few days and she is very cautious and angry with him. good person to have here. Next week I had planned to be away. He's not trying to influence what I do/with whom or where...

BelleDameSansMerci Wed 09-Oct-13 15:17:32

I have just read your whole thread. I think your husband is incredibly selfish and, frankly, not fit to wipe your boots let alone be the cause of your tears. How bloody dare he tell you the "pity fuck" request?!

It is so, so apparent that you want him back; that you want your life together again. If that's possible for you perhaps you could use this interlude to figure out how you want that life to be. Maybe not all about him? He's not treated you with any respect at all and you do, surely, deserve that at the very least.

And I don't know how your sister resists punching him on the nose

Please be kind to you. Not him. You. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Oct-13 15:29:29

Glad you have a ferocious sister smile Pleased also that you're not rushing back and that you're taking your time out. You have all the time in the world here and, now the immediate fear and pain has lifted, you have chance to examine your real feelings. Don't be surprised, in other words, if that anxiety turns into anger.

sssosad Thu 10-Oct-13 00:38:51

well we've talked and talked and I'm sure that's what we'll go on doing. I've said I don't want him to move back in any time frame - his flat is rented until february.

A very old friend - 86 with a 65yr old marriage said recently that although he and his wife had never actually parted they had had a huge seismic shift in their relationship after 30 years and he felt that if they had been brave enough to part they would have had a chance to rebuild their relationship on a new basis. Instead it had taken 10 years of shifting to get into the next bit of their lives.

I pointed out how vicious the other relationship has been - ie that it was really too different to compare, but I've thought about it a lot since - he shut up the minute I mentioned the difference and I felt he thought he had been too forward. Wish I'd kept my mouth shut really!

I wish there was a web site like this where I could find some really ancient marriages to look at? We change throughout our lives and until recently most marriages were 40 years at best - do we have to find different ways of living if we are to live so long? am I blathering?

I'm so confused and tired that right now all I want is to be on my own - well that's a huge huge step in the right friends and family have been astonishing and my friends here have given me a totally new appreciation of the web.

I think I should close this thread at present because I need to just read a book and watch some old movies in bed.

I want to thank you all, i don't know anything about mums net - but I'll leave this open for now incase anyone wants to tell me about a fantastic website for recovering marriages? I hope so much this is what I'm looking at!
thank you

Whatnext074 Thu 10-Oct-13 00:44:35

sssosad - not sure if you've gone yet but I don't think you'll find the answer to your situation on an internet search. You can't compare marriages and searches only bring confusion because everybody's experience is so different.

Go with what your heart and head tells you is right. Take your time, there is no rush. I hope things work out how you want them too. Take care x

cjel Thu 10-Oct-13 11:53:19

just care for yourself and you will be the best person to judge what your marriage needs, Give yourself time and the rest will follow. Trust yourself.x

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