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It's a bit early for this, but I feel the need to talk about One Love and Sexual Compatibility (or the lack thereof)

(48 Posts)
Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 14:38:45

I'm not a newbie/troll before anyone wonders. I have name changed.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how to start this thread as I so feel so conflicted about so many things. What I really want to know is, do you think there is one true love for you out there?

Are you with him/her?

Is it really like you read in romances and s/he understands and fulfills your every desire?

I have been in my relationship for decades. It is totally good in all respects apart from the sex. I would never leave him simply for that reason alone, but I do have a fantasy of one day meeting someone with whom I was completely compatible, in which case, I fear I might end up leaving my dh. Who is a perfectly lovely man who has done nothing wrong before anyone shouts LTB!

I don't know... I just feel such yearning... maybe I read too much idealistic fiction. blush

No of course there is not "one true love" for everyone.

The whole soulmate myth is utter bullshit. Created and perpetuated by crappy romcoms, idiotic chicklit and brainless women's magazines.

It's a load of guff, essentially. Which leads to people having unrealistic and completely unattainable expectations of relationships.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 15:01:15

Yes, I totally agree with you. I meant to say in my OP that I don't believe in a one true love.

But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?

Because if it can, despite the fact that I love him, I am slowly realising I am with the wrong man. More than 20 years into our relationship. Shit.

Do I believe in "The one"? Um, no not if that means there is one person and only one person in the universe that is meant for me and only that person will make me happy and when we meet it will be happy ever, I think that's a load of crap!

Do I believe in "true love"? Err, yes. Not in the film/book sense but in the being there for me when times are tough, respectful, making life a happier place sort of way. I have that with Dh but I don't think he's the only person in the world that could be like that. Hope that makes sense.

But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?

WRT the above, has it ever been good with him? Because I do think that relationships can go in phases and sometimes some bits dip and then pick up again.

BelaLugosisShed Fri 27-Sep-13 15:17:01

If it's a case of not being strongly sexually attracted to him, then I don't see how it's fixable, if it's just a case that you think you should be having "better" sex, then if you are both committed to improving your sex life it should be an easy fix.
It depends on your circumstances and why you are unsatisfied tbh.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 15:20:57

I agree with your post too Crafty. And yes, for the most part, I would say our relationship fits your 'true love' definition. He is not the most demonstrative man (understatement of the year!) but I know he loves me and he is there for me and we are a good team, mostly.

But sexually, well, I think I might be having a mid-life crisis or some sort of awakening. The truth is, we are each other's only sexual partner so I have nothing to compare him with, apart from slush I read, but no, I don't think it has ever been great. He works hard to please me - more than I do him if truth be told - but I just feel an awful aching inside me that there is more to a sexlife than this, and I feel sad to think I may never experience it. It IS a midlife crisis I am having, isn't it?

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 15:23:47

I don't even know if I am sexually attracted to him. He is no looker, that's for sure. There are finer looking men than him around. But once we are in bed, that doesn't matter so much to me. He still has a man's body iyswim.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 15:24:01

"But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?"

Depends what you're reading and it depends how important it is for you to experience good sex. No matter how nice someone is and how much you connect, if it's not happening in the bedroom (and that's a personal thing obviously) then I think it's got limited appeal partly because - as you're discovering - you end up wondering 'is this as good as it gets?'

I remember getting very, very close to someone once. We had lots in common, shared the same sense of humour, values, he was kind, wealthy (!), good-looking, attentive ... on paper the 'ideal bloke'. But when it got physical there was nothing doing. Left me totally cold and it wasn't his fault exactly, it was just bad chemistry. Eventually - and very reluctantly - had to let him go.

KhunZhoop Fri 27-Sep-13 15:24:19

My soulmate is Hugh Jackman. I'm just waiting for him to figure it out, then I'll break the news to my husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 15:29:02

"It IS a midlife crisis I am having, isn't it?"

Not necessarily. Maybe you've always felt this way? Maybe you've spent the last 20 years thinking that, as he's 95% perfect for you, the 5% that is rubbish sex could be safely parked in a box marked 'unimportant'? Maybe it's only as you've got older that you have found the self-confidence to acknowledge 'this isn't very good'.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 15:37:40

Cogito, re your last post, that is what is worrying me. I would prefer it to be a midlife crisis from which I might recover.

I feel so stupid. I wish I had been sexually more adventurous when I was younger.

KouignAmann Fri 27-Sep-13 15:51:05

To answer your OP question Frangipane NO I don't think there is only one person who would fit as a life partner. Some are more compatible than others and some are an excellent match. You only have to see how quickly some people find a new partner when they are single to realise that. It is human nature to dress it all up in romantic packaging.

I left my H after a very long marriage and I hadn't even realised how shit the sex was until I tried it with someone else and found out what I had been missing. But now I have found someone who suits me very well, makes me laugh and cares about me. The sex is okay but we are getting on a bit so have to adjust expectations.

If your DH is lovely in other ways and you are just bored in bed perhaps you should address that. He might be too.

Matildathecat Fri 27-Sep-13 16:53:47

I very much doubt that your husband would object to you spicing up your love life together. You say he makes more effort than you...well how about starting at that point?

It worries me when I read posts like this. It really does sound like a case of the grass being greener elsewhere. You have a loving, kind husband and a dull sex life? We'll try sorting that out first. You wish you'd had more lovers before marriage? Nothing you can do about that.

I reckon I'm about the same age and stage as you. Safe, steady marriage. All good. Last year I suffered a really serious injury that has left me disabled. My god I've seen my husband's commitment to me. Endless bloody hospital appointments etc. honestly I couldn't have done it on my own. I make an effort to make sure sex remains on our agenda.

So, yes, there are several billion people on the planet so of course there must be thousands you could love. They would also each have snags and imperfections because they are humans.

Honestly, look for happiness where you are now.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 27-Sep-13 17:04:06

I wouldnt get in a tizz about the sex thing OP. Sex is overrated. Its only a kind of bodily function at the end of the day. As long as you love and respect the guy and have a laugh, why rock the boat?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 17:26:28

If you think it's 'only a bodily function' you can't ever have had a good sexual relationship either hmm

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 17:28:52

Yes, I agree with you all, even Matilda expressing frustration that I might be giving up on a good thing hoping the grass is greener elsewhere. That is my usual response to everyone else too.

I just feel overwhelmed with the feeling that you only live once and my time is ticking. But no, I know we have a good marriage by most accounts and I wouldn't leave over something like this.

I am not sure about spicing up the sexlife. We have explored quite a bit already and I already know that we are not really compatible.

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Sep-13 17:43:22

If you think it's 'only a bodily function' you can't ever have had a good sexual relationship either hmm

Or Crohn's disease! hmm grin. Let's not pretend that well-functioning bodily functions aren't damn important.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 17:45:30

When you say 'not compatible' OP could you (without being too detailed) say more about it?

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 17:51:00

Well, without too many details blush I find his tastes rather vanilla. blush

Also, if there was an S&M scale, we would both be at the same end of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 17:56:44

OK.. so we're really talking 'dull'?

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 17:58:48

Yes it can be all that and a side order of chips. But you have to work at it. Pop over to Fetlife and you'll find out wink

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 18:23:44

Dull - I guess. I mean, it does what it is meant to do so exactly how exciting does it need to be?

I have a suspicion I have spoilt myself by reading about other people's sexlives (fictional) and decided I'm not getting enough from mine.

We have talked about it, before anyone tells me to talk to my dh. We just don't seem to change anything.

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 18:29:15

Okay I'll bite.....

For me it needs to be exciting and not vanilla. And you need to be very explicit about what you need with your partner.

I don't think reading about it spoils you, I think it's awoken some interests you are now wondering how to voice.

You have two choices, you either wonder forever and feel disatisfied, or you indulge your curiosity, explain what it is you want and ask for it.

Given the opportunity most men will try something new at least once to see what it's like and there is nothing more lovely than a woman who desires you and tells you how to make her happy in bed.

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 18:29:58

Perhaps you should PM me OP. Sounds like you need some specific advice. smile

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 18:42:49

Bit shy to Fenella, but I found your previous post interesting. I even had a look at Fetlife but I have no interest in sharing on such a forum - no offence intended but I would be happy just to improve my own sexlife without involving myself in anyone else's!

Do you not think, then, that dh and I are at the same end of the scale, that means we are incompatible?

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 18:50:52

Not sure what you mean by scale. If you mean you are a kinky bugger and he's only up for tea and missionary, I think you may have an issue. I wasn't suggesting you use fetlife to meet people, but if you read up you might find advice on how to suggest things to your spouse. Frankly if you don't give him the opportunity to give you what you need, more fool you, you are risking your relationship because if this is something you need, it's something you need

FWIW once you start talking you may be surprised at his reaction.

Neitheronethingortheother Fri 27-Sep-13 19:01:25

I think she probably means they are both submissive and she would like someone to dominate her. Tbh I wouldnt throw away a good relationship for any of that 50 shades of grey shite. Stop reading crap and concentrate on what you have. It sounds like you have something worth keeping. There are loads of ways to spice up what you have. What have you done to make things different? It takes two. Take a visit to a sex shop or have a look together online and see if anything takes your fancy or his.

BeCool Fri 27-Sep-13 19:04:44

It's all bullderdash.
I suggest you switch to crime novels grin

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 19:11:50

Well learn to switch then. It's a skill like any other if you are both subs.

Or hire someone to sort you both out grin

<runs before wrath of mumsnet hits me>

HelpTheresPooballsInMyBed Fri 27-Sep-13 19:45:17

I'll bite too blush

If it's the s&m thing you're worried about, I had this a few years back. I am naturally very sub, I was with a man who was also very sub. We took turns switching. At first I thought I'd hate being the dominant one, but after a few goes I kind of got into it. Is this a possibility for you?

ALittleStranger Fri 27-Sep-13 19:47:35

Is it that you actually want to try S&M and the problem is you're both Sub (because surely switching is an option?), or that you're both half hearted in bed and you just want more exciting non-S&M sex?

Iwaswatchingthat Fri 27-Sep-13 19:53:01

I am starting to feel a little sorry for your DH. You say he is affectionate, kind, willing to please you in bed etc.

Sounds to me you have a lot to work with right there - he is willing to please you so you need to tell him specifically HOW!

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:02:45

I feel sorry for him too! That is partly my point. We are joined together through friendship, marriage, parenthood, home ownership - you know all the usual stuff - but I don't feel we are joined sexually. I spoke in my OP of fantasizing about meeting a partner who can fulfill me sexually, but equally you could say that dh would have that opportunity too. His needs aren't being met anymore than mine are.

I take the point everyone is making: a relationship needs to be worked at and fiction is best restricted to the crime section. smile

Iwaswatchingthat Fri 27-Sep-13 20:06:47

You have been together for so long - surely that intimacy can only improve things?

I would put away ideas of Hollywood film sex lives and focus on rejuvenating what you have.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 27-Sep-13 20:27:24

How old are you OP? Also, if you want to broaden your horizons, so to speak, what about trying drugs? I'm serious.

HelpTheresPooballsInMyBed Fri 27-Sep-13 20:29:34

Trying drugs hmm yes that's excellent advice

lurkinglorna Fri 27-Sep-13 20:33:04


In my ...ahem....encounters with men, I think I couldn't long term be with someone who was always like "well, what do YOU want to do, take me, take me!".

I mean you say he's one end of the scale. If it goes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

sub dom

Then I think maybe I wouldn't need a guy to be 9 or a 10 (going into work with rope burns, hmmmmm! wink) but wouldn't want him to be any lower than 5?

Not saying I want to be grabbed and tied up and spanked every date (might just be on a promise for that - come home safe darling wink) even that gets a bit tiring ha ha!

But I think I'd find someone who was "well I want you to instigate more than 50% of the time and go on top to prove I'M desirable " to be controlling and unmanly?

I like instigating and seducing and taking the lead. But someone who EXPECTED that, as in it being in his nature, would just be long term confused for me.

Maybe it's due to societal/cultural conditioning - but I'm a product of that - and I couldn't see the kind of guy who wasn't naturally assertive in bed as a long term prospect?

Sorry, OP, not very helpful, but just a "I see where you're coming from" post.

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:38:20

How old are you OP if you don't mind my asking? 40s? 50s?

Because older than 50 and the chances of packing in a relationship and finding a partner who ticks all the boxes & fulfils you sexually gets a bit touch and go.

pumpkinpie163 Fri 27-Sep-13 20:40:12

Hey Frangipane
I found your post really interesting cause im in a similar situation. Except my husband isn't into sex with me at all. Ok we've obviously done it cause we have two kids but in the 12 years we've been together, with the exception of making our beautiful babies hes just not into it and not that into me! I decided this was a compromise I had to make years ago as hes an around awesome guy other than this. Ive unfortunately married my best friend rather than true love/dream man/Christian Grey style sex god and its a bitter pill to get used to. Unfortunately over time my eyes have wandered which is kinda inevitable.

However I think if you are having sex atall and hes interested, its something to work on. And I also think unless you've met someone else cause youre so frustrated, youre in a good situation!

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:50:15

Christian Grey is a tiresome, abusive knob.

Would women have been creaming over him were he a plumber? I think not.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:51:32

I'm in my 40s.

And I am not looking for another partner as such. Just aware iyswim that the one I have is not sexually compatible with me.

In many ways, I am a late developer. Sex just didn't happen for me when I was young, then I met dh and he did turn me on and I naively thought that was enough. Then there were the childbearing years where I guess it was enough just to be having sex. I'm sure many of you know what I mean.

But now the childbearing is out of the way, the children are older, I have discovered erotic literature, and I either wonder if I am with the wrong person sexually, or else I struggle to get dh on the same page as me.

Frangipane Fri 27-Sep-13 20:52:43

BTW, I keep reading Christian Grey's name. Can I just say that I have never read 50 shades so that is not who I am pining after. grin

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 20:54:45

Neither have I OP, I managed a few pages of arsewipe & that was that.

Twinklestein Fri 27-Sep-13 21:05:17

Ok so you're not much older than me.

From a personal pov I have great sex with my husband when we're not too knackered or busy, but it's not something I'd leave a good relationship for if I didn't.

If you don't have it it may seem like everything, but if you do have it, you take it for granted & it doesn't feel like that big a deal.

In the end it's just physical pleasure. I wouldn't leave a relationship to go on a gastronomic tour of the world's top restaurants either.

If you end this & go looking for Mr Darcy/Rochester will you find him...?

naaaaaaamechange Fri 27-Sep-13 21:09:32

I have namechanged.

I think it would help us advise if you are able to be a bit more open with replies to the specific questions about the scale. Obviously don't if you feel you don't want to.

Myself & DH are into some low level s&m stuff, it was instigated by me after a lot of cajoling from him asking what it was that I liked. I was really embarrassed about it at first, especially when he tried it out and i had to explain no, I don't mean something half hearted and tame, I want it full on like this. Excruciating to talk about! But now I am really glad that it is a part of our sex life and I don't think I'd be happy without it. I almost crave it sometimes.

I am a very firm believer in that the relationship doesnt have to be terrible, he doesnt have to have done anything specific, to break up if you feel you would be happier out of it, but weigh it up - how much do you want this, is it absolutely hopeless & do you want it more than the love and security you get from him the rest of the time?

Have you ever suggested/thought about sex therapy? It might be a good way to explore some of these feelings.

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 27-Sep-13 23:48:44

You don't know he's not sexually compatible with you, you just think that because neither of you are being totally honest.

He's also not brainless, if you are not into what you are doing that will come across. I know you probably ending up googling what 'switch' means. It's an S&M term and if you are not familiar it'll sound odd. But it can actually work. Though personally I think if you are essentially submissive until you find someone dominant to educate you somewhat you'll find it hard work.

But here's some good news. People who are essentially loving, caring, considerate but dull lovers sometimes surprise you. My very vanilla partner, once I actually told him that when he held my wrists tightly it turned me on, and when he did certain other things I got very excited, turned out to be a completely kinky and even more imaginative than I was. And I never would have known (or been happy) had I not opened my mouth and started that conversation.

Which btw is excruciating the first time. No-one wants to negotiate the details (I wussed out and emailed him - he liked that) and then afterwards we talked in person about it. Just talk to him and keep talking. You may try it and hate it, you may find it revolutionises your sex life for the better. Each to their own but the best sex organ is definitely the mouth because it helps you communicate what you need.

And frankly my dear in a long marriage he'll probably think all his christmases will come at once if you explain you want to try new things which will result in more, better sex and a calmer, happier you afterwards.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 28-Sep-13 01:49:15

'The mistress manual' (£6 on amazon) might be an interesting read... looks in detail at different S&M 'likes' , from the 'how to be a domme' perspective, but you may find yourself thrilling to the idea of role reversal too...

jasminerose Sat 28-Sep-13 08:00:27

I 100% believe in the one. The one that is your best friend, electrifying attraction and everything you want in a partner. The feeling you 100% click

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