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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Driving Through The Autumn Scenes, Searching For Our Sober Dreams.

(1001 Posts)
Mouseface Fri 27-Sep-13 12:49:04

Hello, I'm Mouse smile Welcome to the Bus, (aka Gerald grin ).

I'm one of the Brave Babes on board this fabulous Bus of travellers, all in search of their sobriety in one form or another.

We have those who drink in moderation, those who have a set pattern of days on and off the booze, and we have posters who have been sober for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years.

There are two lines that the Bus has painted down the side, one on each -

The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement and Alcohol Fosters Inertia

So, if you think you're drinking too much or you're worried about another person, then come find a seat.

We get through our days chatting about all sorts of things, life is, after all, full of plenty of things to fuel our desire to drink, and we're all very different people grin

However, our common goal is sobriety. smile

The Last Thread

The Reason We're Here - The First Thread

Awks Fri 27-Sep-13 12:50:59

<sits on the back seat with the big girls>

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 13:17:30

<sits next to Awks lights fag and sticks chewing gum on back of seat>

myfriendbill Fri 27-Sep-13 13:42:21

Marking my place!

Just marking my place. Not ready to post yet but want this on TIO

typhoontanya Fri 27-Sep-13 14:37:45

Bagging my seat as well (formerly Obrigada)smile

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 15:17:39

<launches self onto bus scattering opal fruit wrappers and fag ends in a whirlwind of over-weight down-draft>>

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 15:18:39

Tanya Hey lovely! How the divil are ya?

Awks and Green put those fags out at the back there!!

ruralreynard Fri 27-Sep-13 15:21:18

Checking in.
Posted a long message on the old thread without realising it was full blush.
Ended it with I am off to walk the dog to try and escape the WW.
catch you later babes.

typhoontanya Fri 27-Sep-13 15:27:44

Hey Isinde, belated Happy Birthdaysmile

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 16:45:58

It's okay it's just an ecig!

Good luck * rural*

ruralreynard Fri 27-Sep-13 16:47:45

isinde a very late happy birdie 2 ewes for yesterday. Did say this on the old thread but you were all here grin.
Well done on staying AF you are one up on me, never managed it on my birthday.
Incider you did a day, thats great.smile Forget yesterday its gone and now you know you can do it. Keep trying odaat.
Congrats unhappy thats amazing, go you!!
I am on day 2 for the 2nd time this week, great fall from grace on Wednesday. Downed a bottle had to entertain NSDH friends and play happy families. Always a trigger. Will have to work on that sad
WW is driving me up the wall today. Have to try and keep busy busy busy.
Walked the dog, now off to cook tea.
Sorry not to name check everyone, having trouble with concentration, sort of as if im drunk confused
Love to all.

ruralreynard Fri 27-Sep-13 16:49:36

Thanks green/jesse think i will need it.smile

louiseaaa Fri 27-Sep-13 17:06:10

Hello everyone <waves>

Phew I thought the bus had left the station!

Still here, still sober, busy weekend planned including a large one in Notts on Saturday. All my friends know I don't drink (and some of them why) so there shouldn't be any probs. Have my exit strategy planned if it all gets too much and I am driving.

How do you celebrate Friday? I've just had two massive pieces of cake, baked and decorated by my darling son (we go to the local community college - to do a cake decorating course together)

I've also got voluntary work this evening at a local yoot club - that keeps me busy during the witching hour and Saturdays I'm either out with family or go to an AA meeting.

Have a safe weekend y'all

<slinks into the seats at the back and slouches down>

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:26:11

Haha Isinde I love the way rural snuck a post in there at the end of the last thread. It actually went over the limit to 1001 posts, just to make sure you weren't the last one grin

Obrigada fab to see you back, how's tricks?

Hi everyone smile

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 17:37:48

Well the pub is calling me tonight if I can find a partner in crime. My house is a shit pit, i can't stand to sit in it and too tired and in pain to clean it. Can't stand to look at DHs pained face all night ( the mildest case of man-flu rendering him incapable of anything for two days - except loafing, eating and drinking beer (confused) ) I REALLY need to get out. Can you stop the bus a sec for me to hop over into the sidecar!

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:43:07

Green are you sure that's what you really want? How will it make you feel better? You can get out of the house for other things. You can kill 3 hours at the cinema.

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 17:45:23

Have my partner, escape planned. Now to tell DH i'm buggering off!

If you don't stop I'll press the ejector seat! My fuck it button is jammed on and I'll probably come crawling back on the bus in the morning.

Sorry babes not particularly inspirational I know but an inescapable itch I have to scratch today.

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:46:45

Take care, come back tomorrow x

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 17:54:01

Sorry faire cross posted. Didn't mean to sound so dramatic. I'll be fine. I do have a stop button ( of sorts) daily drinking is my biggest issue as opposed to bingeing or dependency ( though have been there before years ago) so I will not be opening the floodgates so to speak. I am in a dangerous mood however and looking for some mayhem. Expect it will be three glasses of wine in the local and toddle off home in reality!

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:56:05

Ok smile

Try to have a big drink of water before going to sleep x

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 18:05:35

Thank you faireegodmother smile

aliasjoey Fri 27-Sep-13 18:07:06

Hello Babes

I've been on a mad shuttle bus today which managed to take 45 minutes to travel 6 miles. (Including a detour via the sewage works) so if you don't mind, I'll sit up on the roofrack today instead of inside another Bus grin

onyerbike Fri 27-Sep-13 18:08:09

Saving a seat quetly wherever there's a space...

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 18:29:20

There's always space onyer come and have a seat and a brew

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 18:34:33

nOOO! I have just read faire s post and gone back to check.....
1001 posts! Wtf?
rural you are a marked woman.....<glares menacingly around for a country fox...>

Well off out for a meal for my birthday....and i am knackered and I really just want to go to bed. Dilemma, do i disappoint DP (lets face it she doesnt get out that often either) or do I go and risk the WW?

Mmm....jessie you may need to make a space in the side car later. Oh, and feed spirit his winalot won't you? Poor hound is looking decidedly peaky smile

myfriendbill Fri 27-Sep-13 18:50:37

The week is over, pizza in the oven and then off to AA afterwards. Rock n roll! I kind of view AA as my medicine.

The funny thing is I don't even miss the booze - yet. I think because I ended up so ill, including hallucinations, I know I can't.

dementedma Fri 27-Sep-13 19:11:17

Flags down bus and hauls weary self into sidecar.
obrigada good to see you again amigamia
<feeds spirit and Barrie>
grin at rural stealing the last post from indie on the other thread. Run, fox, run before she runs you over like that poor rabbit.
I'm weary Babes and its dd2s birthday weekend so have no intention of tackling the diet/booze this weekend.
Try again on Monday.
I went to a meeting with my lovely boss in his fancy car the other day. He got to the car and opened the passenger door....I stood there like a tit thinking he was getting something out of the car before I realised he was holding the door open for me! No-ones ever done that before....

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 19:23:35

ma we will rock Monday.

I am drinking tonight simply because I'm petulant and I want to!

Life can be so life numbingly dull, i long for passion, excitement, spontaneity. I won't find it at the bottom of a bottle but it will dull the yearning a bit and if I go to far and am full of hungover regret I will be reminded why dull is good, it's safe and calm.

Jesseismysecretcrush Fri 27-Sep-13 19:25:18

It plays out like this every so often as if a gasket needs to be blown

ruralreynard Fri 27-Sep-13 19:38:36

jesse know just what you mean about life. Seems to play out for me like a gasket needs to be blown nearly every day. Every so often is good.
Looks like hunting is back for this poor country fox. isinde Just took so long writing my post on the last thread that I Cross posted with the last 10 posts. Really so soooory my friend, pleeeease don't set your hunting hounds on me!!!
Must have been fate. Perhaps you just weren't meant to make the last post this time. Whatever the reason it gave me a chuckle when i read faires post and realised what I had unwittingly done grin

InCiderMind Fri 27-Sep-13 20:07:12

Hi everyone. Not doing brilliant, but I have done one AF day this week, which is a start. Happy birthdayInsind one day, I will have an AF birthday <stamps feet>

Does anyone else seem to self sabotage? Like this week I posted on here and one whole AF day, first in months. Then I backlashed against and drink way to much the next day? I dunno. I'm going to keep trying.

Sorry if my posts are self centeted, alcohol makes me self obsessed grin

InCiderMind Fri 27-Sep-13 20:08:35

jessie I know what you mean too.

InCiderMind Fri 27-Sep-13 20:10:05

rural snap with the everyday comment!

Sorry for multiple posts I should have RTFT!

Anneisnotmyname Fri 27-Sep-13 20:55:50

Grabbing a seat, got to day 6 but I'll be drinking tonight. Don't know why really as I have no urge to but it's Friday night, I haven't drank during the week, I've felt down the last two days....all excuses...incider I definitely think I self sabotage

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 21:33:43

Ah it's tough sometimes, but these habits took years to become established, it will take a while to make new ones.

Life can be so life numbingly dull, i long for passion, excitement, spontaneity

This is where I really wish we could have our babeland, where we could gather around a fire, on a cold night, clutching our hot drinks and laugh, talk, listen, share, cry. I'm sure we could do some crazy things, even sober, and take some real days out on a big old bus smile

Ma so lovely to hear of someone treating you with kindness and respect. He sounds like he's really good for you. I'm glad you've got him back.

Unhappytimes Fri 27-Sep-13 22:21:28

jessie oh do I know that feeling, but you know yourself how you drink and if you think you'll be fine then enjoy!

faire that sounds like it would be a great night. I can do some crazy stuff even without the dreaded vino.

isinde sorry you didn't achieve your mission of last post! Hope you do enjoy your meal.

ma that's nice of him. Hope you enjoy your dd's birthday.

annie day 6 is really good - I remember you weren't trying to totally give up so maybe a little's not so bad.

I haven't drunk and it's Friday so that's good but I don't feel I can really congratulate myself as I'm not a daily but more of a binge drinker. My worry is I think I'm fine but next time I have one I lose it. Has anyone gone from a binged to more controlled drinking?

Mouseface Fri 27-Sep-13 22:39:03

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Here's my 'pitch' to be on the Parent Governor board at Nemo's school - wish me luck all. smile

"I believe I would make an excellent Parent Governor. Our teen DD attended XXXX before moving up to XXXX, so although I know the school well, I still have a good stretch ahead of me as a parent.

We are a local family, and I want to get involved with the entire community of the school as our DS has just joined. He has a variety of Complex Special Needs, the experience of which can not only help me support the SEN team within the school, but also benefit the school as a whole and represent everyone's interests."

I was tied to 100 words and had to keep it varied smile which I hope I have....

Night all, catch up tomorrow xxx

GladToBeSilver Fri 27-Sep-13 22:49:14

Checking in BBs

At the Chunnel en route to France to look at the house we may buy grin grin grin

Big sloppy kisses to all

Au revoir mes amies x x

Flumpyflumps Fri 27-Sep-13 23:04:29

Hello! Thought I'd check in!
Been doing my na and bumbling along as usual, but the big news is I've given the meditation a real go!

It's quite hard not to laugh and takes some practice to cruelly empty your mind and all that jazz but reckon ill get there with it!
Would recommend babes x

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 23:39:03

Hey flumpy so good to hear from you! Interesting stuff about the mindfulness...I think I need to check this stuff out.

silver good luck with the house! i have a couple of mates ( not including the wonderful ladame ) who live in france and the house-buying thing was a bit of an ordeal for both of them. Really hope this goes smoothly for you.

mouse sounds great! how about adding something along the lines of "my experience of x years of working with multi-disciplinary, safeguarding, SEN and other teams has given me a unique insight into the sorts of things that can really help or hinder children in an educational setting. I would like to use this knowledge in a way that adds value to xxx school.

Isindesidecar Fri 27-Sep-13 23:44:30

Ma you sound down my love. If you could get yourslef down here I would surround you with love, laughter and silly songs. Let the DTs loose on you with their unique 'bounce on you until you laugh' early morning call and generally give you a bit of a break.....

You are worth so much more than this weary acceptance my friend.

Sending love and hope for a better tomorrow. Xxxx

venusandmars Sat 28-Sep-13 00:53:01

Posting to say that I am still here, and always reading. Special mention to isindie for her happy and sober birthday; ma (just 'cos you're lovely); silver - I'd drive anywhere in the world to rescue you.... thurso (fabulous, strong, clever woman); mouse - well just because you're so so special smile;

but also to EVERYONE ELSE (and I know there are so many that I haven't mentioned by name) but you cannot imagine how much every post, yes - every SINGLE post - helps me, and holds me and inspires me. It doesn't matter whether you think your post is positive or whether it is all doom and gloom - each one helps me in some way.

So thank you. Everyone.

And I will be back to post some more. Soon.

SocFish Sat 28-Sep-13 01:57:37

I'm here. Muttering and drooling in the corner.

SocFish Sat 28-Sep-13 02:32:38

I was reading "The Sober Revolution" last night. Great book and I'd recommend it.

But I'm definitely over the honeymoon phase and into god knows what phase, but I'm grumpy as all shit. Tis a good thing I'm on the arse end of the world I think.

When I get over this gloom and doom I promise to be less selfish and more supportive.

And I think I should go to AA tonight.

Sorry about the dribble on the bus windows. I'll wipe it off eventually.

Flumpyflumps Sat 28-Sep-13 03:01:13

An I just say I'm really annoyed that despite deleting numbers they don't appear to be fully deleted from my phone, and the number of my old dealer from 3 years ago still appears when I add a name on a message.

It drives me mad!!

SocFish Sat 28-Sep-13 03:11:15

I'll sort him out for you flumpyflumps.

dementedma Sat 28-Sep-13 08:34:08

Ah indie that was a nice post. I'll take you up on it one day.....dh is heading your way in October with Ds to watch the footie but I am staying here to enjoy the peace!
faire I am very glad to have him back too. He is just a lovely man and boosts my confidence in myself.
Venus great to hear from you lovely one.we must meet up again soon.
Off to see the lovely Derek for a massage this morning to see if he can untangle my sore back and weary spirits.....

dementedma Sat 28-Sep-13 08:35:35

Too many lovelies - have come over all dramatic this morning! grin
By the way it is the most glorious autumn morning this morning here...

Fairenuff Sat 28-Sep-13 08:52:20

It's pissing down here ma

Venus I often wonder if you're with us, sitting quietly at the back, listening to all the chatter, nodding and smiling and sucking toffees. Do you knit? Sorry, don't want to make you sound like an old woman! More like a quiet, calm, taking it all in but ready to welcome any shy soul sort of person. There is an aura of peace around you.

Now I've come over all spiritual this morning! grin

guggenheim Sat 28-Sep-13 09:11:06

just checking in.
Grabs seat on bus,runs up and down SHHHHing people, due to inability to sit still for 30 secs.

Sewage works? YUK- hope we don't go past that.

Belated happy birthday isinde, I had my first sober one in years too,this year.

Welcome to all new babes- lots of strength and hope and nut jobs on the bus.

Jesseismysecretcrush Sat 28-Sep-13 09:30:59

Yuck, yuck and ouch. Can someone make me a brew and pass me a blanket.

Managed not to create mayhem but my tolerance has definitely gone down 4 drinks and I was very drunk and feel dreadful today. Not going to cry over spilt milk. Back on bus today, embracing dullness. Hope everyone survived Friday and good luck today xx

Ladame Sat 28-Sep-13 09:39:50

Where is it? Where is it? I've been waiting by my gate for aaaages. Hang on, there it is... Heaves self on ... Oooof! Move over Inde, there's a love. Now I've got croissants and coffee and some plums off my tree. Someone find Barry will they? And give me a slap across the chops? Only managed one AF day last week, wallowing in missing my dd and it was sunny and I had nuffing to do in the evenings .... Merde! Now, will have a read and catch up avec les bebes.

Ladame Sat 28-Sep-13 09:41:14

Silver exciting news oui? wink

Jesseismysecretcrush Sat 28-Sep-13 09:47:42

Thanks ladame just what I needed! smile

Ladame Sat 28-Sep-13 09:48:20

Mouse If they don't give you that position ... well, I just don't know ... I'm sure they can't help but be impressed by you grin If they want hundreds of letters of recommendation, well, you just have to ask the bus!!

Why You are doing so well, I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up a bit. Stick with it. (ooooh that rhymed!)

Guggs they've cut the maize down in the fields around us and we always get field mice in our cellar. So ... I thought I saw one running across the floor yesterday, but it wasn't shock it was one of those other things (with eight legs) wtf! I have never seen one that big before!

I'm waffling on now, I think I've had too much coffee this morning.

Love to all brave babes - have a good Saturday xxx

Anneisnotmyname Sat 28-Sep-13 10:52:14

Day 1 again! Had nearly half a bottle of red, and feeling it today. Jessie I also think my tolerance has gone down but I suppose it is a good thing really.

Unhappy your right I've not planned to stop drinking, I wanted to stop daily drinking. For now I have but I've been asking myself what do I get out of it, and questioning if I even enjoy it. I'm thinking I should just drink on social occasions, not sat in the house watching tv, which I did last night. I'm thinking there is something sad about the way I drink, why I drink sad

Wishing all babes a good weekend, and strength to get through Saturday night if not drinking smile

Morning Babes

<takes a seat near a beautiful calm Venus lady, hoping for some of that peace>

Day 13 for me. Yesterday was hard, my mind was back and forth on the thought of drinking. I ended up in another hot bath, after eating most things in the cupboards. At least I am shiny clean!

Have a good day all xx

Mouseface Sat 28-Sep-13 12:35:33

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

I'm sorry not to NC you all or anyone actually, today is a sad day in the MouseHouse - it's eight years ago today since we lost our triplet boys; Harry, George and Charlie.

I posted a little letter to them in Bereavement to tell them how much we're thinking of them. smile

I am feeling very low just now so I'm trying to keep busy by writing my thoughts and feelings down, tidying, cleaning, playing with Nemo and trying not to let him see my tears but for some reason this year is hitting me super hard.

I think it's just been one hell of a week to be fair. I will be drinking tonight, to toast them, as we always do, their candle is lit and there are three blue ribbons tied on their tree in the garden.

Bye for now xxx

babyjane1 Sat 28-Sep-13 13:13:07

Hi babes, just checking In, very busy doing boring house stuff. jessie your post really really hit a chord with me, it sounds so ungrateful when I say this and really I'm not BUT I do feel my life is settling Into a rather boring tedious one. I suspect my drinking pattern may have started escalating when boredom and disappointment set In, alcohol does tend to soft focus problems and "shake up" an otherwise eventless weekend, I too wish for excitement, passion and spontinuity but must accept it cannot be found In a bottle of wine!!! mouse Im thinking of you and sending hugs xxx

dementedma Sat 28-Sep-13 13:16:40

Ahmouse - words fail me. Will light a wee candle tonight here in Scotland for your beautiful boys.

ladame we had the biggest spider I have EVER seen outside of a zoo in our house last night. Seriously - WTF is with these things? Are they are on steroids or something?

I have been massaged to a pulp by the man with hands of steel....jeez it hurt but he was suitably sympathetic as in "Stop being such a baby and give me your leg back before I really hurt you!" He has such a way with him....but God he's gooooooood

PurpleWolfe Sat 28-Sep-13 14:16:46

(((((((( Mouse )))))))) xxxxxxxx

jango36 Sat 28-Sep-13 14:51:58

Hi babes smile)
missed you all loads. Been busy with life etc so not checked in. Ive been swinging between the side car, the bus and roof rack.
Managed lots of a/f days but always seen to fall off.
Today I will be in the side car but got lots of magazines, sweets and an ear to listen. So feel free to join me.
Hi RURAL nice to see you back.
PURPS So glad it went ok with your son ((hugs))
Had hair done in a bid to lift spirits - looks okish Im sort of a dirty blonde now (pardon the pun). Think I will go dark in the end so much easier to manage. Thinking of having my toe nail done next week - whats the best ? gels or shellemac (sp)??
My nsdp is away on a works trip. So spirits are lifted a little smile)
Will check in later with you all. I AM trying for day one tomorrow xxx

Isindesidecar Sat 28-Sep-13 15:42:55

Sending love and strength to you and your lovely DH Ma thinking of you xx

Pink01 Sat 28-Sep-13 15:57:25

Wow I nearly missed the bus!

Sorry not to have posted for a while.

I was going to catch up a little but now I have read mouse's post my mind has gone blank.

Mouse I am so sorry, I didn't know about your triplets. I love their names and I am just so terribly sorry for you, your DH and DD. It must be so tough to face an anniversary like that while having to carry on being as normal as you can for your other children.

You are so kind and supportive and all the while you have had so much crap thrown at you.

I'm thinking of you today Mouse xx

thurso13 Sat 28-Sep-13 16:02:07

Sending love, hugs and peaceful minds to you and your family Mouse.
Much love xxx

Jesseismysecretcrush Sat 28-Sep-13 16:07:05

mouse like ma words fail me brave babe. Hugs and thinking of you and your angels x

babyjane1 Sat 28-Sep-13 16:51:16

mouse you are so brave, so kind and so
Compassionate, you make me want to be a better person, you are an inspiration to have never given up on life, I have total and utter respect for you and utter compassion for you and your family on the loss of your triplets xxxx

dementedma Sat 28-Sep-13 17:33:58

Thanks indie. I shall pass that to mouse who I suspect it was intended for grin
Had a lovely walk in the glorious autumn sunshine today with dd1, dn1 and Ds on his bike. Even mum came out as she was feeling a bit better today which was nice. A lot slower than she used to be and had to stop for a sit down but she did OK. Not bad for 78!
Dd1 is now preparing dinner for dd2s birthday so hopefully will be a nice evening.
Waves to all Babes and gives purple an opal fruit.

guggenheim Sat 28-Sep-13 18:55:03

mouse thinking of you and your family x

guggenheim Sat 28-Sep-13 19:03:32

Ok- it's bastard spider season isn't it?

ladame PROMISE me that french spiders stay in france? They can't swim or nuffin?? Can they? can they?
And the same goes for them scottish spider too ma. I'm a poncy southerner, nature's for them wot likes that kind of thing.
<rocks and wimpers>

I dunno about it being dull when you give up the sauce. I've found it both extraordinary and painful. All kinds of fun emotions like to pop up once you're off the sauce and then there's all the thinking about people who you pissed off because i was drinking indoors in my own little headspace and not spending time with them. You sort of have to take the long view with sobriety, it does seem dull at times, at first but with enough time you start to fill space with friends,hobbies, I dunno- lap dancing,tiddlywinks,being a spy... can't do that stuff pissed!

Love to all and stay strong. x

Pawprint Sat 28-Sep-13 19:14:30

Bless you, Mouse - just left message for you on Bereavement. Life is very cruel, sometimes. Big love from me, special lady. Xxxx

ruralreynard Sat 28-Sep-13 19:24:45

mouse thinking of you and your family and have lit a candle for your boys. Your letter to the school sounds good and isinde's idea if you can fit anymore in the word count. Not many words is it!!!
Sure the position will be yours. It certainly should be anyway, no one could do it betterxx

ruralreynard Sat 28-Sep-13 19:26:37

jango nice to see you too smile Good luck tomorrow.

ruralreynard Sat 28-Sep-13 19:29:53

incider Methinks we may have a lot in common. Don't get disheartened.
When you fall off the bus, pick yourself up and get back on. More af days will come Im sure. Keep trying ODAAT.

Mouseface Sat 28-Sep-13 23:43:26

Just off to bed, blowing the candle out..... for another year for our boys.

Goodnight all, thank you so much for your kind words and comments in Bereavement, they mean a lot smile

Take good care of yourselves, be back tomorrow for a short post before we meet with friends xx xx xx

SocFish Sun 29-Sep-13 00:33:05

Big hugs from here mouse
Xxxx

ruralreynard Sun 29-Sep-13 00:55:20

Goodnight mouse blowing the candle out here and thinking of you allxx

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 07:32:57

Morning all, just marking my space. Not having a great weekend. Lots of conflict with DP amd no bottle to hide in hmm
guggs thanks for your very wise post.

Love to all xx

dementedma Sun 29-Sep-13 07:53:08

indie sorry to hear that my friend. Hope you manage to clear the air.

We were supposed to be having a big roast dinner today but someone forgot to take the joint out of the freezer......BOLLOX!
Wonder how sandwiches would go down.....?

MrBloomsMarrow Sun 29-Sep-13 07:59:33

Hi brave babes. I have a habit of popping on the bus when things are really desperate and then jumping straight off again. There are so many babes I can really relate to at the moment - cider and rural among others. I have a few colleagues who are doing the Stoptober thing. So my plan is to do my own Sober October. Although I rarely post, it's wonderful knowing this bus is always there. I'm sure there are many other lurkers out there soaking up the words of wisdom. Today I will not be drinking.

Mouseface Sun 29-Sep-13 10:30:47

Morning, tis me, Mouse smile

Ma - Buggeration! What a nightmare! Is it beef? Could you very slooooooooooooooooooowly defrost it in the microwave? <unhelpful>

MrB - Funnily enough, Nemo is sat watching the rewound Mr Bloom's Harvest special on CBeebies. For the 3rd time! I think a dry October is a great idea smile Day By Day.

Guggs - great post about not drinking being boring etc... it's what you make of it and keeping busy is key to that isn't it? smile

IsinDe - sorry to read that things are a little fraught at home sad anything in particular or just, life? Hugs to you xxx

Rural - great to see you posting xxx

We're off out to meet with friends and take our respective dogs too, Seth is HUGE compared to their dog. A wander round the gardens and farm animals and then off for lunch. Luckily I've been able to have a look at the menu in advance so know that I can actually have something to eat!! grin

Have safe and sober days Babes, thank you for all the lovely messages yesterday about the boys, it means a lot to us smile xxx

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 12:05:55

I carnt do this anymore I want to lose myself its day 8 I carnt take any more hes making me break I carnt win I miss my baby's I'm scared of losing ones iv got I hate being me its comfort to know I could just make it all go away I'm very sorry for barging in the thread I don't know where to turn

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 12:43:46

I'mdoingthis you don't have to do anything right now. Just be here with us. Just sit and take a moment.

We can help you.

Stay with us, let it all out here if you want to.

This is a safe place. We will look after you, you are not alone.

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 12:51:21

Imdoingthis hey lovely. Ride the bus with us for a while. Day 8 is stupendous! Well done you.
You are amongst friends here lovely. What is making you feel so awful right now? Tell us about it if you can. It might help and it might distract you either way its good to talk.

How can we help lovely?

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 12:54:25

I want to drink so badly, because not drinking hurts when the truths revealed iv his behind drink for years I miss my daughter and my son, its breaking my heart it hurts hes turned them against me, she's so loyal to him hes trying to get my other children its non stop put downs he makes me feel so bad, hes told me I won't wake up sometimes wish I wouldn't I have nothing no one I'm lost

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:02:44

Hey lovely, you sound at the end of your tether. I know you want to drink so badly but that is just how it would end up...badly.

Where are your children now lovely? I don't know your situation but i do know from many of the babes on here that the safest and surest way to get your children back, regain their respect, and stuff one over on anyone who is telling you that you are worthless is to stay sober and fight!

You and me Imdoingthis , the next 30 minutes without a drink...what do you say?

You are worth more than this lovely. Let us help you xx

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:05:30

And you are not lost my friend. You are on the bus.smile

<hands imdoingthis a ticket and shows her to a safe warm seat surrounded by supportive BAbes>

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 13:06:33

I'm in, 30 minutes without a drink sounds doable.

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:09:10

Well that's three of us Imdoingthis one either side of you holding your hands and sending you strength.

One minute, one half hour, one hour, one day at a time xx

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:10:01

Oh ... Just seen this ... Imdoingthis I'm here too with Faire and Indie Hand holding. Next 30 minutes? You can do it, of course you can, stay here with us. Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:10:43

Iv got five here with me hes got the two oldest i won residency of the five with me, it's his manipulation he doesn't stop to point I think there starting to believe him iv done everything for my children still am doing I got them away I saved five of them
I'm hurting so much I don't know we're to start there's so much
My family support him I have no one, I moved away

I think it's him and what he's saying about me that's driven me to not drink it gave me a fight
My daughter won't come see me at Christmas she said she won't leave her dad alone, he's a big drinker too though
I don't feel I will be free from him hes scaring me

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:13:34

Thankyou I'm trying to not cave in
Do you know what I mean by I want to lose my head ?
I want to block it all out

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:14:58

Yes, I'm glad to see that what he said gave you a bit of 'fight'. Hold on to that feeling, who the hell is HE to tell YOU what you can and can't do. Why has been posting about her situation. She is being strong for her child, you can be strong for YOUR children. You are their Mother and there is no stronger bond in the whole world.

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:15:30

I'm at breaking point I carnt take no more

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:20:33

I carnt fight him I want him to go away leave me alone
I'm ashamed to say before I left him for what he was doing well I was harming myself sad I'm feeling those feelings I'm sorry

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:22:28

My daughter since about 11 he just favoured her above the other dc she's his fave rate we have no bond no relationship really its like she don't know me shes so distant

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:23:08

Please beleive me imdoingthis when I say that there are LOTS of us on here who know exactly what you mean by wanting to lose your head. The urge to blot it all out make it all go away with a bottle of booze...the almost unbearable feeling of needing a drink so you don't have to feel...Yes, my friend we do know what you mean

But here's what YOU and I and ladame and Faire and loads of us also know. NOTHING you are facing today will be made any better by pucking up a drink. Instead it will make EVERYTHING a shit-load worse.

Don't let the booze win, don't give Him any more ammunition and don't let your kids down by picking up.

I don't know you but my money is on you being a fighter...we can help you find that fight today lovely.
Xx

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:24:57

Forgive me if you dont want to answer this but have you involved SS and the Police about your daughter?

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:25:40

Try not to connect with him. He's not there is he? Just ignore texts or calls or turn your phone off. Make yourself a cup of tea and try and eat something if you possibly can. All you need to do is stay here with us. Take deep breaths. It will get better.

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:31:06

Isinde thankyou so much for understanding how I feel

I'm trying so very hard with everything and iv come a long way I left him two years ago, after 16 years controlling abuse rubbish hes a lot older than me i met him when I was 17

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 13:31:52

Yes, ignore him. You just need to take some time for yourself right now. Children change, they change their minds, they grow and learn from what they see going on around them.

Right now, you have to let her go just for a little while. You need to concentrate on keeping yourself safe and well. The circumstances that you are in will change. Get ready for that day, by turning your back on alcohol, use this time now to beat that urge.

We are all here for you, keep talking x

dementedma Sun 29-Sep-13 13:33:08

Can't stay but checking in to lend my support. You can do this babe.

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:37:55

How old are your other children? Boys and Girls? You must have been one tough cookie to get out from under him with your children and set up a new life somewhere else. <Handsqueeze>

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:43:48

Yay! We made 30minutes!

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 13:47:13

Well done imdoingthis that got us through the last half hour. How about going for another hour with us?

Do you have anything to distract you today? I had a massive urge for wine (not like me in the middle of the day but I have had a row with DP which is a trigger) earlier after DP took our kids out and i am home alone all afternoon....so I am baking bread hmm it might taste like cardboard but it's keeping me out of the offy

So another hour together BAbes?

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:47:32

Great!! Let's do another 30!! We've got a huge storm brewing here. If I go awol, it's because I've lost connection, but I think it'll be a little while yet. imdoingthis are you there ??

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:49:08

* Indie* cross-posted. Yep another hour here too. I'm knitting a blanket for the dog (oh the excitement). I too am trying to resist, am bored and missing dd.

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:51:46

Yes I'm here

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:52:48

Just
Still reading x

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:54:21

Tell me three things about yourself that are unusual, like .. can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 13:56:30

I had to let her go to get away from him
I lost them both at the price of our freedom

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:57:55

Indie sending you some virtual Camembert to go with your bread grin

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 13:59:02

She will come back, teenage girls need their Mum. Keep that in your head and stay strong, stay talking to us.

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 14:06:31

Can you get that message through to her imdoingthis ? If, on some level, she has heard that (even if she denies it right now) she has a door always open to you.
If you can stay sober and strong and there for her she will come back to you

myfriendbill Sun 29-Sep-13 14:11:16

mouse. Thought of you yesterday and said a little prayer.

doingthis. You can do it, every minute, even every second counts and you will get stronger.

X

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 14:12:32

Thanks for all being here

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 14:16:05

You are not alone imdoingthis there are lots of us here with different stories and lives but one thing we have in common is a problem with alcohol. We do understand and we are not going to judge.

Hello Bill hope your sunday is going ok.

ladame thanks for the camembert....I wish! Now off to knead it...nit sure if it has "doubled in volume" as the recipe said but I have no patience today an need to vent my angst on a load of dough rather than DPs head

myfriendbill Sun 29-Sep-13 14:26:16

We are always here and nothing will shock us, we've all been there, done that and bought the tshirt!

isinde. I am doing some work! Not the way I like my Sundays but it's got to be done.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 14:36:26

Got to go out for a bit but I will do an hour smile

See ya later x

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 15:21:15

I hate my life ;(

dementedma Sun 29-Sep-13 15:22:05

Popping back in. Am in and out like a dog's dick today but shouting my support.

indie what did you two row about? Same old same old?

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 16:10:10

Iam stick with sobriety lovely . Drinking is going to make your life worse no matter how bad it is now.
Can you do something positive this evening to distract yourself?

Ma major conflicts around money and schools and not paying money for schools and not requiring me to spend my life away from home earning money etc etc. same old shit but I am more argumentative when sober ironically ... Less likely to just give in.

Right, bread should be ready...anyone need some boots re-soled? smile

InCiderMind Sun 29-Sep-13 16:15:15

Hi all, I really embarrassed myself yesterday and today Ive gone AF! Another Day 1 - last week I toppled badly on day two and then binged, it was horrible. I am vowing to do better. Its my ds birthday in two weeks, I would love, love, love to be sober until then. Ive asked my dp to support me, he has hidden all bottles - really difficult as i live in a pub so all i have to do is go downstairs, i dont even need money, its great awful for my addiction. I am tired of staff giving each other knowing looks when i help myself to a double G and T at 3pm. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! sorry to shout but I feel so awful after yesterday that I feel positive iyswim.

Tomorrow when i wobble i will post on here to buy me time whilst i ride out the craving. hope noone minds.

Goodluck to all in my position and well done for all who are remaining sober, cant wait to feel proud of myself.

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 16:20:56

Kids playing up I don't want to be here I wish they'd leave me alone want to just die I carnt do this no more

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 16:33:11

I tried to go out pet shop and park but I feel shit and kids know it there playing up now I don't know what to do

ruralreynard Sun 29-Sep-13 16:42:31

You can imdoing you left an abusive man, that tells me you are a strong woman. I live in an abusive relationship and haven't managed to do what you have done and leave.
Is there no one in RL you could visit or get to call on you to chat, help with kids or whatever.
I am not much help because I keep going back to the bottle to block out my s**t life. You have done something about yours blo*dy well done!!
Hold onto that thought and listen to faire on here she is our wise woman. She is right, if you keep the door open your daughter will come back. Wish I could be there to give you a hugxx

louiseaaa Sun 29-Sep-13 16:46:52

Imdoingthis - Sweetie - you can do this, it's horrible but I promise this will get better. I had some really horrible times with my kids when trying to get sober - kids don't like it when you get sober because they can't get away with stuff anymore and you parent them better - which is change for them and no-one likes change - it's hard, but it gets easier and the rewards are just indescribable - just soo good smile I promise. Alcohol just steals your soul until you don't care - it takes away you IYSWIM xxx

ruralreynard Sun 29-Sep-13 16:50:46

imdoing Kids always do that when you are feeling s**T been there on that one.
Please try and at least pretend you are feeling better, try to do the things you would normally do now. Get tea? watch telly? make a cuppa.
Keep functioning doing normal things and they might calm down. I have four but I am an oldie and my youngest is 11 but I do remember what you are describing.
You are strong, don't let him win.

ruralreynard Sun 29-Sep-13 16:58:50

imdoing i cross posted with louise she is so right listen to her.
You can get through thisxx
Have to go but there are babes here with you. Keep posting.
Will be back ASAP.XX

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 17:09:33

In and out of connection due to storm. Hang in there imdoing

venusandmars Sun 29-Sep-13 17:12:36

imdoing I've just logged on, and what I CAN see is that you've held on for several hours already - well done, that takes strength and courage.

When I split up with my abusive ex I remember nights when I just howled with sadness at the thought of my dds waking up without me there (we shared care between us - a compromise I had to make to get away from a controlling man) and I felt that I had let them down so badly. But that was so much better than staying in an awful relationship. And now my dds are grown up and we are as close as close can be (despite their Dad telling them that I was hard as nails, cold and unfeeling).

Is there any real life help that you can call upon, just to be with you for a little company? Or just keep posting here, there seems to be lots of us around this afternoon.

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 17:20:18

It is horrible its impossible right now I feel iv reached the end of something iv just had enough
I have parented different yes when I'm pissed the kids get away with lots more its hopeless it really is
My life's so tough I know others are lots worse its just i look at my kids playing up and when your forced into pregnancy I feel iv come out the other side yeah I got out and I'm left with these children that drain me that used to be controlled into perfect behavour

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 17:29:06

Iv not got any family iv got friends but not around here in my new area I wish I had someone to call on
Thanks so much for all your support

venusandmars Sun 29-Sep-13 17:32:01

I'm interested in the posts about whether sober is boring. I know that during all my many drinking years I did take the view that non-drinkers were boring, but that was sometimes because it was harder to hide my own habits amongst non-drinkers, and it was sometimes because they weren't as reckless as I was, and sometimes it was genuinely because they were boring people (whether that drank or not!).

But what I am CERTAIN about is that the big drinking me was boring - monotonous, tedious, irksome - the same old, same old day after day after day: wake up feeling shit, promise not to drink, feel sluggish and depressed, start to recover, open a bottle of wine while cooking dinner, finish wine, eat half of dinner, find other ways to 'top up' while slumped in front of TV (or in front of computer pretending to work), stagger to bed, snore, sleep badly. I did nothing that was fun or exciting - unless you count hiding empty bottles as exciting, or the recklessness of drink driving as fun!

I think that because alcohol is s depressant then the initial stages of being sober can feel a bit flat (until all those lovely B vitamins start to get back to normal levels and help nerve and neural functioning). But what I feel now is not boredom, but something calm and serene (God how horribly smug that sounds blush), a place where I feel delight on a sunny day. On Friday I was out for lunch with a group of women friends, none of whom were drinking friends. What a bloody laugh we had, lots of genuine support and care, and lots of rudeness and wit. I am noticed that I was just genuinely happy, really deeply happy. A couple of years ago I'd have been feeling hampered by the lack of drink, and counting the minutes till I could leave them and start drinking.

Yes I'm a bit more shy without a drink, but I'm learning to like my shy little self, and when I do come out of my shell it's because I genuinely feel able to be myself, not a false me, but the real quirky and funny little person, on my own terms. And that's quite nice. And my friends, family, partner still seem to like me, and haven't been driven away by me being sober and 'boring'.

Ladame Sun 29-Sep-13 17:50:03

But what I am CERTAIN about is that the big drinking me was boring - monotonous, tedious, irksome - the same old, same old day after day after day: wake up feeling shit, promise not to drink, feel sluggish and depressed, start to recover, open a bottle of wine while cooking dinner, finish wine, eat half of dinner, find other ways to 'top up' while slumped in front of TV (or in front of computer pretending to work), stagger to bed, snore, sleep badly

venus OMG ^^^^^^^^^^^ This ^ so bloody true!

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 18:12:52

Incider have you tried just plain tonic water, with the ice and lemon? Keep a stock of it upstairs so that you don't even go down for a drink. Honestly, it's a good alternative to a g&t.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 18:19:19

Imdoing how old are your children? Will they be at school tomorrow? If so I think it would be a really good idea for you to get to an AA meeting tomorrow. You will meet people like us, people who understand and you will be able to find a sponsor who you can ring and talk to in person when you feel like this. What do you think?

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 18:26:27

They are 2,4,6,10 and 12 so I have two littles in day for half the day
I'd love to go if I could find the confidence

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 18:32:45

But what I feel now is not boredom, but something calm and serene

I knew it! I saw that lovely aura around you venus grin

Seriously, I agree with everything you've written. I've been for days out recently where, in the past I would have thought they were 'drinking' types of days.

Yesterday, for example, I met family for lunch. The old me would have had a g&t pre-lunch drink whilst perusing menu. Probably two glasses of wine with the meal (if I slugged the first one I would have time for the second). If anyone wanted dessert, I would have another glass of wine instead.

Then, in the evening, I went to the theatre. I would have arrived in time for a pre-show drink, taken another one in with me (they allow alcohol in plastic glasses in the auditorium), and I would have shot out in the interval to get another.

Instead, I did all that yesterday without a single drink. And I enjoyed it all, messed about with the younger children, had a laugh with the old folk and did not miss drinking at all.

It wasn't boring, it was fun, and today I am refreshed and well rested smile

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 18:34:44

Imdoing if you give AA a ring, they can arrange for someone to meet you and go in with you. People have said that all you need to do is just sit and listen. You don't need to say anything and you will get tea and biscuits (possibly cake).

What meetings are there in your local area. Anything that fits in with your childfree time?

venusandmars Sun 29-Sep-13 20:12:23

Imdoing you were brave enough to get away from your ex with most of your dc, you've been brave enough today to come and post on here, I think you'll find that aa is within your scope. All it is is a bunch of people who are / or have been exactly where you are now. They too will have felt the desperation and the despair, they too will have walked into their first meeting. It may not be the 'thing' for you in the end, but call someone tonight and see what you can find out. It's another small step.

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 20:13:55

Seriously imdoing it really is the easiest and most liberating thing you could do. I remember crapping myslef before I went to my first AA meeting then being struck by just how lovely and supportive (but not in-your-face..i was not required to speak or do anything) everyone was. It really felt good to be in a group of peop,e who understood but did not judge and who wanted only to help.

socfish and why will be along later to share their thoughts and experiences but I would urge you to contact AA (even if you dont go it will be good to talk to them)

Do you have any other RL support at all lovely? Friends, family, social connections, othermums at school?
Sending you best wishes and strength tonight and so glad you posted today. X

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 20:20:54

X posted venus hey you beautiful, wise, witty, intelligent and fabulous woman! (And btw you came across as all that on very first impression and i have only ever known you sober grin )

You rock Babe. Fab to see you xx

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 20:37:08

Well, the house has been cleaned. The bread turned out well (3 bloody rises of 35-45 mins a time though..ladame there has got to be a quicker way of making a loaf than that shurely?) and one loaf has been eaten snicker-snack.
I have made a vat of squash,spinach and chick-pea curry and my signature home made lemon and coriander hummous...the washing is now up to date, i have de-felted the filter from the tumble dryer, cleaned the dishwasher filter (yuch!) put the bins out, changed the bulbs in the DTs room and taken a load of stuff to the tip.
....and just to show I am not petulant i am so NOT going to remark that the 'agreement' with DP was that I was the breadwinner for 18months so she could be a SAHM hmm I think I need to direct her to MN to see what most SAHMs actually bloody do....
I am off to watch Downton Abbey and dribble mindlessly in front of someof the worst dialogue and plot lines seen in a british drama in a decade....and yet strangely compelling...smile
Night all xx

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 20:38:36

Do you really think they could help then, I'd not considered anything like that ( iv done last orders in past) not much help

I don't have no one in rl nope, no family I have two mates in my old area near him I was kept inside iykwim so I didn't make new friends he cut me off from my old friends.iv moved away and I don't know any one.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 20:50:26

I think it will really help you Imdoing. Firstly you will have somewhere to go and meet people, just get out of the house, a reason for getting dressed and staying sober.

Secondly, the sponsor will be there, on the end of a phone, whenever you need them. Slowly, you can start to meet new people and build up new friendships.

There may be groups for parents and toddlers when you feel like going out more. There may be parents at school who you can get to know.

Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time. This bus often goes quiet overnight. Most of us go to bed fairly early but if you give a shout, there is usually someone around who will be happy to chat smile

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 21:08:20

Yes early to bed = less craving time I find
I can not thank all off you enough for getting me through tonight
I think I really might call AA tommorow

I would of drank today without the bus, for simple reason there's no one there, no one cares if I drink or not in fact no on knows

Sleep well everyone xx

aliasjoey Sun 29-Sep-13 21:15:54

just checking in to see Imdoingthis well doing for getting this far! You are very strong to be coping with the little kids and stay sober smile

Well I have applied for the job of Peace Ambassador with the United Nations. I can cite relevant experience of negotiating truces between father and daughter (surely the 2 most argumentative, warring peoples on this planet) My skills are surely needed in war-torn places across the Globe.

Although to be honest, shouting "Would you both just shut the FUCK up!" (loud enough to make the dog whimper) may not be the kind of attitude they have in mind? D'ya think...?

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 21:22:39

grin joey

My teen dd seems to have found her voice lately. She's entering the 'know it all' stage a bit late and ds is doing the same a bit early. So I have two vastly experienced teens telling me I don't know what I'm talking about in stereo hmm

They do say, the older your kids get, the less you know grin

Imdoingthis Sun 29-Sep-13 21:25:37

Thanks alias x

Unhappytimes Sun 29-Sep-13 22:11:23

imdoingthis just wanted to add my support, sounds like you've had it tough. One think I'm learning is that alcohol will not make a bad situation better although I know the feeling if wanting to get off your face well.

isinde sorry you've had a row but sounds like it's made for a productive day.

I'm proud I've managed (and also enjoyed!) this weekend alcohol free. Can't describe how much better I feel than this time last week!

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 22:24:20

imdoingthis i am so glad you posted today. I know it may sound soft but actually people on here DO care. When mouse posts about the anniversary of losing her boys I light a candle and really think....when why posted about seeing her baby and having to hand him back i sat at my desk and sobbed for her. She wont know that but please believe me that actually there are people here who care. Because we either are in the same place or have been there too.

You are on the bus now my friend. You need to come back and post tomorrow and join this amazing community of love and support. And if you think I am bossy ....well you havent met mouse yet!

Anneisnotmyname Sun 29-Sep-13 22:29:59

(((Hugs))) Mouse, words fail me

Well done unhappiness and imdoing this smile

End of day one done. I'm finding not drinking on a school night much easier now but I can't manage weekends. I'd always stay up late drinking with h, now when I try not to I realise I have nothing to say to him. Or rather nothing he wants to hear, he stonewalls me when I try to discuss things then moans that we have the same row every night. It's like without the cocoon of alcohol I can't bear to be around him sad

dementedma Sun 29-Sep-13 22:32:57

indie is well bossy. I, on the other hand, am very nice. Here, have an opal fruit....

You rocked it today, imdoingthis. I hope you get the help you need tomorrow.
Night night babes
And Barrie
And Spirit

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 22:38:12

I agree Isinde, I really feel that people here do care. We think about each other when we are out and about during our days and evening (or is that just me? blush) wondering how everyone is getting on.

I wonder sometimes what posters look like, where do you sit to post your messages. I think of JWN's fabulous house, decked out in the best possible taste grin, of Mouse's busy 'DIY in progress' house full of visitors, tea pot permanently at the ready. I imagine a kitchen table and a welcome smile.

I pictured you today Isinde bashing hell out of that dough, I thought of your dts waking you up by bouncing on you 'til you laugh. We are strangers, we could be anyone. But we're not, we are real people and we are here.

I'm glad you posted today Imdoing and joined us, I hope you stay smile

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 22:38:35

I am so not bossy! Ma how very bloody dare you!
Now, feed Spirit, clean out Barry and clean this bloody sidecar will you!
Xx

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 22:42:09

X posted with faire who encapsulates so many wonderful thoughts.
You are lovely faire x

dementedma Sun 29-Sep-13 22:43:45

Yes sir ma'am!
Salutes isindie smartly the stretches out with feet on the seat and does nothing

Isindesidecar Sun 29-Sep-13 22:47:13

<gives up.and stretches self alongside ma and shakes,out the paper.>

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 22:48:11

Aw shucks, thanks Isinde

Ma get off your lazy arse and take that dog for a walk. He's done nothing but sit the sidecar and eat!

aliasjoey Sun 29-Sep-13 23:08:05

Excuse me ma have you forgotten who is in charge of the Opal Fruits ? Do I have to get my shiny badge out?

aliasjoey Sun 29-Sep-13 23:19:30

I love the idea of being able to picture you all! Can we share?

I am sitting on the sofa with my kindle, surfing mumsnet. The dog is perched on the back of the sofa trying to look out of the window. DD is in bed, hopefully asleep as I already confiscated her ipod.

DH is upstairs sulking. I showed him the earlier conversation between me and faire and he made a face like a cats bum. I have to check the weather forecast now, to see if I can cycle tomorrow.

I have had some wine, and now I'm annoyed because I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing evening before a week at work - but it turned out to be quite stressful, and now I can't have any more alcohol till Friday. Which just goes to prove that trying to rely on wine for happiness is pretty stupid.

Fairenuff Sun 29-Sep-13 23:29:49

Ha! joey that made me laugh. Bet your dh thinks I'm a right nosey cah grin

I should be in bed but am waiting for my hair to dry - long story.

So sitting in my armchair with a little table to my right and a window on my left looking out across the fields. Laptop on, well, my lap grin

Oh yes, and cat is sleeping on top of the back of the armchair with her tail dangling over my shoulder. Got my feet up and a cuppa on the go.

One eye on the tv trying to catch up with programmes I've recorded before the memory fills up. Multi-taking, me grin

So little time...

Btw what is it with the spiders this year? Had a huge one in here earlier shock

venusandmars Sun 29-Sep-13 23:38:09

alias I'll share....

I'm on my favourite sofa with feet up on a stool (cos I'm kind of old). If I look to my right I can see the sea, I can see the lights of a far distant land (Fife), reflected in the water, and even in the dark I can see that the tide is out.

However.... part of my dream reality (and I do live in the dream world described above) is that some things are broken on my computer. The battery is fk..d and doesn't hold its charge, and at the same time the electric lead is fk..d which means that I am typing with one hand while the other hand is holding onto the electric lead and 'wiggling' it to maintain electrical contact.

so, it has probably taken me a week and a half to write this email, and you might all be on the next thread by now.

venusandmars Sun 29-Sep-13 23:40:09

or I might be electrocuted by all my 'wiggling'

aliasjoey Mon 30-Sep-13 00:07:01

venus is falkirk in Fife? I missed a christening there today. Too far to go for us but I hope they all had a lovely time.

faire don't worry, DH thinks all of mumsnet is a cacophony of menopausal women.

SocFish Mon 30-Sep-13 00:28:41

Good Morning!
Day 19 here. Survived my third sober week-end. I just white knuckled it this week-end. It seemed harder than ever. However, Monday morning here 8am and I’m baking cupcakes. Its school holidays here and the thought of doing things with my kids rather than spend the entire holiday wondering when the next drink is, is fabulous.

Venus your post about boredom was so relevant and almost identical to what I’ve been thinking about. I am nervous about the boredom of sobriety, but then having to look for bottles every morning, feel nauseous, guilt, anxiety, the boredom of being too drunk again is hardly exciting. Drinking is fun if you do it occasionally and stop when you’re tipsy. I never stop. I drink until I blackout and then fall into bed. And I think I’m missing out on something? Its bloody bollocks when you analyse it, but the booze has such a strong hold on me I can still persuade myself that it will be ‘fun”.

Imdoingthis just stay with the bus. And just keep reading and writing. I found going through (I still do) the old threads very helpful because you can sometimes see a whole story. Amazing stuff. Amazing women.

I was terrified of going to my first AA meeting. I slunk in late and sat at the back. You don’t have to talk. You don’t even have to say ‘no’. You just shake your head if they ask you to talk. I’ve been a couple of times and I think it’s very worthwhile. You’re surrounded by people who know exactly what you’re going through. I’ve also realised that there are people there who love their meetings and have been going for years. I think it’s because they’ve formed some very close friendships so there’s potentially heaps more than just the AA cloak there. Some of the sharing can be hilarious and totally off subject, but all it is, is being in a safe environment with people who understand and really do care. It’s like the bus, but I suppose scarier because we can’t hide behind the screen. However, just go to a few meetings - it could save your life in many ways. I reckon I’m going to make new friends through AA. My real life friends don’t really understand this intense relationship I have with alcohol. They sometimes just drink one beer on a Friday night????

Good luck to everyone else for another sober day. And thanks again for being here bus. I will keep repeating myself that without this bus, I would not be doing this.
xxxxxx

SocFish Mon 30-Sep-13 02:23:16

And while I'm on my soap box I am so very, very happy. Someone mentioned feeling serene further up. It's starting to happen and life is so much better sober. No more of those awful guilty, anxiety, depressed, foggy emotions.

I have so much energy. Have lost weight, my skin looks amazing and my eyes are white!

I'm loving this sobriety. The ONLY thing I have to deal with is not picking up that first drink. Compared to having to deal with all the other shit associated with drinking it should be manageable.

Do It Babes!

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 02:43:54

Hi babes.

Gosh you move so fast round here!

I've been off on holiday and then ill with lurgy and I've missed this new thread. mouse, love, I'm so sorry I didn't see your post until now. Sending you lots of love and strength.

isinde, hope things are going better with you and your DP today.

soc - lovely to read your posts.

Right: can I pick anyone's brain about AA or similar? I went to my GP nearly a month ago now because I was having a bit of a bad time, and he sent me away to ring these people who do drug/alcohol sobriety support. It's not AA, but sounds similar from what I can see. I am a bit nervous of it but know it's a good idea.

I'd been doing quite well this month - not so brilliant over my holiday - and today I've had two big glasses with dinner and a gin and orange, which isn't awful but ideally, obviously, I want to stop completely. As you can tell from the 3am posting here, I can't sleep and I would quite like to go and grab the rest of the gin, so posting here to remind myself not to! grin

See you all in the morning.

SocFish Mon 30-Sep-13 02:50:41

LRD My GP did the same when I went to see him. So I am under the care of drug/alcohol support people. I see a counselor every week which is great. I think it helps just because I have to 'check in' with someone every week and I feel somewhat accountable. I know it's not ideal long term, but it's helping me start this sober life. He's trying to work out why I feel the need to comatose myself which I don't really enjoy, but since I asked for help I feel I should accept it and try anything they suggest.

And then of course, I take myself off to AA meetings.

I reckon it's all worth trying and then work out for yourself what suits you.
xx

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 02:54:15

Thank you, that's really helpful. smile

I can imagine not enjoying that either, but probably it'd be good to have someone to check in with.

(I love that the bus has posters on it even in the middle of the night, btw! thanks)

SocFish Mon 30-Sep-13 02:57:51

My pleasure. I'm drinking coffee. It's 11.30am here in Australia. I'm in my garden and checking up on kids and laptop periodically. In a previous life I would have got shit faced last night "because it's school holidays" and done nothing today except sit around feeling awful.

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 03:00:54

Ahhh. That would make sense, Australia. smile

Sounds lovely, especially the garden bit.

I do know what you mean about sitting around. I hate the amount of time it wastes.

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 06:04:31

Hello soc and thank you I'm not sure yet if I have the courage to go to a meeting yet, I'm feeling low I don't know what's the matter with me I'm in tears don't think I want to face today I think that's.

whydidthishappen Mon 30-Sep-13 06:31:03

Hi Imdoingthis. You had a bad weekend, but you are hanging tough. Please don't be afraid of AA. I made excuses of all kinds to avoid it. And when I arrived at my first meeting, and saw people looking at me, tears welled up in my eyes and I sobbed, dry heaving lungfulls of pain, hurt and defeat. A woman got me coffee and a meeting book while other women sat me in a quiet space and held my under telling me I was in a safe place. Friendly, non judgemental and supporting me. I haven't looked back. Sober 19 days now and working my steps and filled with drive.
I would never have believed it, but within weeks, my life is starting to change. It wont be long now until my baby and my husband are back in my life full time. And this time it will be a life, not an existence. And I could not be more grateful to AA and all the Brave Babes here. None of us are 'there yet", but that's why we have. a bus.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 30-Sep-13 06:48:38

Socfish, that's a fabulously inspiring set of posts, thank you. I came (back) on here because I want to get back to a place of more moderation and was hoping for some accountability...but then posts like yours make me think, why not try for abstinence? Maybe a miracle will happen?

I was here a few years ago, and here I am again. Nothing's changed - if anything, I drink slightly less these days, and I manage 2 AF days a week most weeks (in conjunction with 5:2 diet), but I'm still way outside of guidelines and I don't seem to be able to cut that down successfully just on my own. I keep wanting to either suddenly be able to drink rarely, or to be definitely out of control so I can just draw a line under my drinking career...but instead I carry on, drinking a bit too much, having a puffy face in the morning and an extra 10lbs on my frame.

And Venus is right (as always); it's not exciting. I just pour a glass of wine and open my book, and then another glass and another glass, until I'm tired and go to bed. Exactly the same effect can be had with a mug of chamomile tea, really.

Except that occasionally, a couple of glasses in, a scene that I'm reading will seem inexpressibly poignant. Or I'll be watching TV (which I rarely do, but when I do do, I like drama, the more the better) and the wine will heighten the emotions...and I do worry that sober, I won't feel things as much, and if stories lost their savour I don't know what I'd do.

And I know, typing this, that it's ridiculous. I remember the intensity that came with a good book when I was a (sober) teenager, and the pleasure of a day's reading and an afternoon nap during my (sober) pregnancies... it's just the drive to feel more, experience more, chase the high.

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 06:57:34

Hi Why
Thanks so much, I'm hurting so much right now and I think maybe its because I'm not blotting out so my real feelings are coming to me ? All the pain and hurt iv been through the last two years ? It's here at last to haunt me

whydidthishappen Mon 30-Sep-13 07:25:08

A lot of us drank/drink to dull the pain. I hear this almost daily at AA. Sometimes when we stop drinking our real emotions rush to the surface. Don't hide, engage. You can do it.

Pawprint Mon 30-Sep-13 08:41:36

Just checking in - still drinking every night sad need to cut down.

Mouse so sorry about your triplets, that must have been dreadful for you all xxx

Pawprint Mon 30-Sep-13 08:43:21

I know I posted about the triplets earlier in this thread; meant to say in post below that I love their names.

typhoontanya Mon 30-Sep-13 10:14:09

Morning babes, as I have said many times before I am not a daily/nightly drinker I am a binge drinker. Once I start I don't want to stop. I turned 50 earlier this year and looking back over the last 10 or so years nothing in my life seems to have changed (except for the fact that my children have grown up). Everything else feels like groundhog day and sometimes seems so insurmountable to change anything that I end up doing nothing.

So today I will not drink but I will go for a walk this evening and I will drink 2 litres of water. Day by day I will change my life.

Ladame Mon 30-Sep-13 11:20:58

Hi all brave babes

Well day 2/7 for me today. After failing miserably in my AF days last week (only one), I realised how so very easy it is to slide back to every-night-bottle-of-wine, so I'm reigning myself in again with the memory of how much better healthwise I felt on four days off and how much less guilty I felt when I allowed myself a day 'on'. My dd is back at Uni now and I have to find myself something to do in the evenings ... back to the knitting or having a rootle about in my veg patch.

Why just wanted to say well done and you are proving to be an inspirational babe. What a change in your posts in just a few days ... go you wink

Indie Sorry you're having a bit of conflict at home. That's such a trigger for me, well done that you got through it the way you did. BTW, I'm afraid making bread really is that faffy unless you get a breadmaker like me and it all gets a lot easier and you can throw all sorts of nice stuff in, sun-dried toms, seeds, etc etc.

Babyjane You ok sweetheart? and Purps and Thurso ?

Mouse sending you a ((hug)) after your sad time this weekend.

It's raining here in France, but I'm in my kitchen making cakes for the school autumn market.

Love to all babes and strength to all that are struggling x

Missed a few days, mouse so sorry about your triplets, a devastating thing to happen confused.

I didn't make day 13. I drank on Saturday as a 'one-off' and then last night 'just-because'. It was nothing dramatic, felt like putting on an old pair of comfy slippers, easy and familiar. I forgot why I wanted to stop, thought its not such a big deal anyway. But now I am so annoyed with myself for giving up. I woke up at 4am with a dry mouth and headache and a very familiar 'not tonight' promise. (This is the promise that usually fades away as the day goes on) But I am getting back on the bus, I don't want those comfy slippers and regretful mornings. Today I will not be drinking. X

I know this is a very self indulgent post, I am rooting for and inspired by all of you, I am just trying to pull myself back before I slip down the self destruct chute.

CrabbyBigBottom Mon 30-Sep-13 11:34:35

Isinde very very belated Happy Birthday!

Mouse sending you a very gentle hug after your sad weekend. I have just thanked you on this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a1867863-Can-you-name-and-thank-3-MNers-who-helped-supported-you-gave-you-good-advice-made-you-laugh-etc#41925823 thread for all that you do. You're a star xx

Isindesidecar Mon 30-Sep-13 11:54:42

Thanks Crabby ! smile

Cheers for the link too. I have nominated all of us! grin

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 12:23:20

Im, if you're in tears and feeling so low, can you go to your GP?

I've just gone on medication for depression, having felt for ages that they wouldn't give me any and it was silly to ask (cos after all alcohol is a depressant and I thought they'd just say I must stop drinking first and worry about the other stuff later). Anyway, GP said the reverse. And though it is early days I think as the medication hits in it will be easier to stop drinking as I won't feel so much I have to drink to block out horrible thoughts.

Worth a try for you, maybe?

jango36 Mon 30-Sep-13 12:24:28

Hi all, checking in with you for day one! need support as wobbling lots.
will check in again shortly.
Love to al xx

ruralreynard Mon 30-Sep-13 12:43:31

Just checking in.
Day 5 today and like you jango very wobbly.
tanya so get your post, feel much the same.
I will join you in not drinking today smile

aliasjoey Mon 30-Sep-13 12:46:10

Been drinking last 3 nights and feel shit. Slept badly, woke up in the middle of the night with acid reflux, and spent the rest of the night trying to sleep in a semi-upright position.

Feel guilty, self-loathing and sorry for myself.

jango36 Mon 30-Sep-13 12:48:45

rural and alias lets do this! ((hugs))

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 12:55:36

When all Iv thought about all day is drinking sad I feel its getting harder I have done nothing all day but comfort eat and that's not me, when I'm sad I don't eat I feel so down

Oh dear, have just seen that I did a confused icon instead of a sad face, I blame the tiny phone screen and my poor eyesight. Sorry Mouse

Fighting the failure feeling here too, hang in there everyone xx

I have had something to eat and feel a bit calmer now. Imdoingthis I haven't said hello yet but I have read your posts. Are you still about? You are doing amazingly well, despite how hard you are finding it you keep going. That is both determined and strong. Do you usually lose your appetite when you feel down? I used to be like that too but nowadays I am more likely to look for some comfort food. Perhaps your body is having some sugar cravings and feeling low in energy and actually needs some feeding. I am around for a little while if you want to 'chat'. Take care xx

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:19:38

Hi Beaches
Iv just bought wine and larger I carnt take much more I feel so low
Yes when I was going through court etc i didn't eat
X

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:29:30

Iv failed tried so hard yesterday

I am really glad you are there, you could help me out too today maybe? I joined the bus a few weeks ago because I seemed to be in a loop of constant drinking, I have had a wobble over the weekend and now it is hard to remember why I am trying not to drink at all. What made you stop drinking 9 days ago? I think I have the 9 day right

You haven't failed, you are trying I can feel it. x

Have you started drinking Imdoingthis? If you have then maybe you could line up a big glass of water to slow yourself down. Try not to be too hard on yourself, it is a huge struggle at times and it seems like the easiest thing to do. I have certainly been there. I am going to be here for a while so post if you want to xxx

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:42:20

Thanks
Yes iv started I felt so ashamed to call AA today I know its not justified

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:44:43

I just to blok out some stuff for a while

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:45:13

Where are you at beaches

I understand that feeling, although I also agree it is definitely not justified. You sound very hard on yourself, the thing is, we all make mistakes, take wrong turns and make complete fools of ourselves, everyone of us. I bet you forgive other people for being human?

Sorry, I am a really slow poster blush

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:50:30

Yes I am hard on myself I think it's how he made me I was not allowed to be me or human make mistakes I worked like mad to please him

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:51:25

Don't say sorry you don't know how low and alone I feel and scared and your there

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 16:52:03

I had to be perfect there was no choice

Have you thought about stopping after this one? Maybe take a breather off before the next drink and go for a walk?

That sounds really tough, a lot of pressure. Are you still feeling it even without him there?

I am here and I know you are feeling alone and scared. You have escaped this man and have started a journey to find a better life. It is bloody hard and you are on your own. I get it and I have huge respect for you. xx

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:07:27

Yes I feel it still my house kids are all immaculate he keeps it up through the children

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:10:00

Thank you beaches I'm sure if I hadn't got out when I did I'd not be here now, it was like jumping out of a tall building that's on fire iykwim

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:12:16

I don't think I will finish the bottle it tasts like shit its the cheep its strongest wine they had sad

And you managed to find yourself a new home and keep those 5 children with you. You definitely have some strength there.

Have you got a plan for the next few hours? Do you think you could drink some water? Eat something?

Hooray for cheap shit wine! Chuck it out and put the kettle on. x

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:25:36

Just thinking

What are you thinking about Imdoingthis? Do you mean throwing the wine out or that you are going to spend the next few hours thinking?

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:34:49

I just think I need to lose my head
That was my intention
Start again tommorow
I know that each time I try I go longer each time

You are right, tomorrow is another day, just make sure you come back. For tonight, maybe try to drink some water and get into bed early. Sleep is a great way to lose your head. Take care Imdoingthis smile

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 17:43:18

I will do beaches thank you for being there

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 18:36:07

Jeeeze I killed the thread

aliasjoey Mon 30-Sep-13 18:48:38

I was thinking about 'Stoptober' it's where people try to quit smoking for the month of October. Quit drinking too?

Well not so keen on that, I still want to drink a little but cut right down. And be more healthy. And SLEEP properly. It is so obvious that alcohol affects my sleep, last year I nearly got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue, was having night terrors, nightmares, early morning waking - you name it. So my goal for October is a positive - working towards better sleep - rather than a negative (stop drinking)

Nocturnal October. Noctober smile

I am going to work on only drinking once a week; maximum 500ml. I will be going to bed at a decent time, and cutting down on coffee.

And if anyone catches me on here after 11pm, kick me off the Bus.

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 18:51:57

Sounds a good plan! smile

Someone recently told me that something that can help reset your body clock (and excuse me if you know this) is eating when you first get up, and having a walk in the early morning - she said it is something to do with the light wavelengths.

Anyway, I don't know how true it is, but I have been trying to get up at 7.30 (a real push for me I'm afraid blush), and to go for a quick 15 minute wander or at least just go out in the garden. It won't work once the clocks change but seems to be helping now. I do find that days when I had a proper breakfast I'm more sleepy by the evening and less inclined to drink.

Isindesidecar Mon 30-Sep-13 19:00:54

Hey Babes. Drinking here too I am afraid.
Another bloody massive row with DP culminating with me shouting and swearing at her and DT2 coming downstairs to tell me she "need a wee" in the middle of it then when I took her upstairs to the loo telling me "I dont want you to go to work if youre angry" sad blush

I am a shit parent and a crap human being and really cross with myself.

Sorry babes but suggest we get a second side car tonight because i am fit company for no-one sad

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 19:03:04

Oh, inde.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten.

You're not a shit parent, though, lovey, why would you say that? Everyone's parents get angry. She's just having a passing worry about you, and that's normal.

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 19:06:32

I just called AA he said its gonna be hard to get to a meeting with my littles but hes gonna try get me some phone support

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 19:29:58

If police do a safety welfare check and your in bits what happens?

Fairenuff Mon 30-Sep-13 19:36:13

I don't know what happens Imdoing, did they say they would be doing safety welfare checks? If so, it's probably best to not drink.

dementedma Mon 30-Sep-13 20:12:48

indie no second side car for you. You're stuck in this one with me, me old scouse mucker.grin
What the fuck is with you and dp? You girls needs to get a babysitter and get out minus DTS for a good old heart to heart.
It is inevitable you will row at some point and Dcs will know about it.all you can do is be honest and say something like " yes, I'm cross with mammy and shes' cross with me, bit sometimes big people fall out, just like you and X fall out. We will talk nicely to each other soon and say sorry and them we will be friends again. Remember that we both love you very very much so don't worry."
It worked with mine when they were little - harder to do when they are all grown up and not so easily fooled.
Pm me if you want to chat

Ladame Mon 30-Sep-13 20:26:08

Im have you been contacted by the police? How did that happen? Did someone call them?

Ladame Mon 30-Sep-13 20:32:21

Indie I agree with Ma on this. You need to reconnect away from home, just the two of you. Also.. I'm in the sidecar too ya know, reading the paper Heat and feeding the dog.

dementedma Mon 30-Sep-13 20:38:02

ladame nous sommes d'accord? Formidable!

Isindesidecar Mon 30-Sep-13 20:55:08

ladame If you are seriously reading Heat then both I and your DD are going to show up and put you in the french version of the stocks in the middle of the village grin

Thanks Babes. Sorry to whinge when people have real problems. I hate loathe and detest conflict with dp and don't handle it very well. On some level I am also terrified of turning into my mother whose rages terrified me as a child and have blighted both me and DSis relationships with her as adults.
Its the first time I have really shouted and i hadnt realised DT2 was at the top of the stairs.
Thanks Ma I did tell her something along those lines...but including a bit about Mammy Isinde was a bit cross and should not have shouted and she needs a simmer-down chair too. blush

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 20:58:05

Oi!

Shut up with 'real' problems. If we start into who has 'real' problems and who doesn't, we'll never talk at all (and you'd all kick me off the thread for having an ostentatious lack of justification for boozing).

Your shit is just as real as anyone else's.

I think I remember you talking about your mum before, and I do know what you mean because the same thing worries me, that I'd be a bad mum. But I think the fact that you and I are scared of it already means we are doing differently? I mean, what was really upsetting to me as a child was knowing my mum felt she was right to scream at me, and I deserved it. That's very different from losing your temper sometimes.

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Mon 30-Sep-13 20:58:27

Ahem.

That was meant to come out tough-love, rather than bitchy.

I need more emoticons.

Fairenuff Mon 30-Sep-13 22:07:13

grin LRD

Oooh, a simmer-down chair, now there's a thought. Do we need one of those on the bus?

And will people please stop feeding that dog. He's going to be so fat he'll be wedged in the sidecar. Perhaps he ought to run alongside for a bit?

Wait...what's that he's eating now...it looks like...it is...it's opal fruits!!

Ma !!!!

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 22:32:28

I look at her she pretty shes got his eyes shes all him shes my baby

Imdoingthis Mon 30-Sep-13 22:34:04

It hurts

Isindesidecar Mon 30-Sep-13 22:36:24

Okay, if the dog you are referring to is me then yes, iam getting bigger, but no, I do not like opal fruits.

Charlie and lola have simmer down chairs and so do our DTs we needed one tonight when Dt1 snatched favourite soft toy off DT2 and immersed him in the wee-filled potty that DT1 had just filled...hmm yes folks, welcome to my world..

DP then wants to analyse all these bahaviours for the deeper psychoanalytical content and I want to drown myself in a vat of sauvignon and cut my own eyelids off....hmm

LRD great to hear from you lovely.

Right off to bed after putting abovementioned soft toy in washing machine.. Xx

Isindesidecar Mon 30-Sep-13 22:38:32

imdoingthis sorry to x post with you lovely. It so does hurt but try and get some sleep if you can. Sounds mundane i know but please try and stay in shape for your DCs x x

Cutitup Mon 30-Sep-13 23:02:33

Can I join the bus?

I need to.

I think constantly about booze. I wake up every day (often at 4am, vowing that I will never drink again) feeling like shit. Bloated, tired and with every muscle and fibre aching from alcohol. Particularly in my face. I swear every day that I won't drink again.

But, come 5 o'clock, my mind rationalises that I deserve a drink and wouldn't it be fun to have a big vodka and tonic and have a ciggie and go on facebook or mumsnet (hello!). I only smoke when I drink so they come hand in hand.

I neglect my daughter to go outside to smoke and drink and be on the computer. I sit on this tiny patio in the cold with one, two, three, then four or five vodka and tonics while I procrastinate making my daughter's supper and issuing edicts to "do your homework" as I shake more ice into my drink and make her something passable for supper. It's really quite pathetic.

I have been to AA in the past. I used to drink a LOT more. In the morning and all day. Not anymore. Only after the school run and, I feel ridiculously happy if I have my first drink after 7pm. Recovery! I'm actually drinking tea right now but only after 1 wine and 5 vodkas. Don't want to feel shit tomorrow!

I have quit drinking in the past and it made me feel serene, smart and calm. Centred and capable. I don't know why I can't do that now. I somehow feel like I'm missing out if I don't indulge.

I used to love an afternoon spent drinking tea and reading. Now I seem to love drinking vodka and creating 'art' in my shed. Though I don't. After three vodkas, my ability to create art has gone and it's just crap.

I have had several injuries due to drinking. Most recently last weekend when I tumbled over a neighbour's garden post and really hurt my knee when I fell on her steps. I can still barely walk three days later. Pathetic. All I can think of is "there but for the grace of god". I could have hit my head on the concrete and been done for right there and then. I remember crossing the field in the dark (stupid!) and I fell down and I had to really concentrate on standing up. It must have been comical to watch because I made about 5 attempts at it. Luckily, only the badgers saw me.

My symptoms:
I'm bloated and overweight.
I have bloodshot eyes and my face is bloated
My liver or gall bladder hurt all the time. I think my kidneys do too.
I am aggressive and mean to my dd in the morning, impatient and unkind.
I don't want to spend time with my gorgeous DD because I want to drink and smoke instead.
I am tired and listless all the time. I do the school run and go back to bed for two hours.
I never make plans based on the fact that I might have a hangover.
I deliberately avoid social occasions where there is no alcohol.
I avoid taking DD to evening functions because I don't want to drive in the evening because it interferes with my drinking.

AND - YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS

I am annoyed with my mother for being a constant drunk since I was 14y years old (I am middle aged) and I can't guarantee calling her on any given night and finding her capable of conversation.

So, there is my confession. It is all true and truly pathetic at the same time. I want to try to be better. It's just this grip. I was on the sofa this evening trying to talk myself out of drinking again but, of course, I found a good excuse and here I again.

I have been reading this thread since Jesuswhatnext posted her first post several years ago. And I'm still in the same place.

One thing I will never forget is when I was pregnant and stopped drinking completely. A good male friend of mine told me what good company I was since I had stopped drinking. I know that's true. So why can't I make it happen?

I know this fact for sure: every single bad thing that has happened to me that has been beyond my control has been because of my alcohol consumption.

I wish you all peace. I apologise for the self-indulgence. xx

Fairenuff Mon 30-Sep-13 23:13:36

Just about to go to bed Cutitup so I won't be around for long but just wanted to say, you know what, you really need to stop drinking.

Yeah, no shit Sherlock, I hear you say grin

But I know you want to stop. That message is screaming out of your post loud and clear. You have all your reasons, you just need to be in the right headspace, if you know what I mean.

Please stay with us on the bus, keep talking, keep posting. You don't have to stop drinking, just stay on the bus and talk it through.

When you are ready to stop, we will help you. Welcome to the best bus in the world smile

You have a lifetime ticket - how long it lasts is up to you x

Cutitup Mon 30-Sep-13 23:14:44

Thanks Fair. x

Fairenuff Mon 30-Sep-13 23:19:52

See you tomorrow smile

Night all x

Mouseface Mon 30-Sep-13 23:28:27

cut - You are me! Or rather were me. Vodka was my weapon of choice too. I take it you're a solo mum? Coping alone? Desperate for some time 'off'?

We, your opening post is one of the best we've had in a long while. No drip feeding, no holes barred, just YOU saying how it is.

I need to go to bed now in case Nemo wkes, he's disabled and has complex SN/LN so my nights belong to him but stay, find a seat. I like the cut of your jib, you made a tiny spark in me fire up. You're in a good place now - the right place.

We'll talk more I'm sure but I didn't want you to be unanswered at this hour.

Night all. smile

Stay safe, be careful. Xxx

Mouseface Mon 30-Sep-13 23:33:56

Bloody phone, sorry for typos! Glad Faire got to post to you also cut smile

Try and sleep, you came here for a reason. Let's work through it, hey?

Night xxx

Cutitup Mon 30-Sep-13 23:34:42

Tis you Mouse!

I have followed your posts for a long time. I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I'll be back. Thank you thank you. I feel like crying. Going to bed after my tea and feeling a lot more resolved. Goodnight x

SocFish Mon 30-Sep-13 23:34:59

Hello
I can't name tag everyone. There are too many of us! I just want to say to everyone who drinks and then feels bad, please don't feel bad. We've all been there a million times. One day without alcohol is better than no day. Just stay on the bus and keep posting.

I have a question. I am doing fine. It's not easy, but I've never done this well. However, I have three enormous challenges coming up. The first being my husband taking our kids away for two nights. Oh BLISS. Two nights on my own. My first instinct would be to get 8 bottles of wine in and go on a huge bender. But I really don't want to risk sliding back to where I was. Particularly as I have two more situations coming up in rapid succession that are going to be hell to not drink at (and I have to go).

So.....I was wondering about going to my GP to ask for Antabuse just to use on these occasions. So when my husband leaves and I have a lucid moment if I swallow the pill then all discussion in my head will cease because I CANNOT drink.

Has anyone had any experience with Antabuse?? And if so, what would you advise.

Thanks and hang in there you gorgeous babes
xxxxxx

babyjane1 Tue 01-Oct-13 09:19:51

Hi babes, sorry I've been absent, house renovations way over budget, 3 year old having tantrums, I've had sick bug, totally exhausted and skint yet can't sleep at night, all classic triggers and yet I'm sober!!!! I'm so sorry I've missed so much but I have to say the team spirit on board this bus is awesome!!! I'm so proud to be on this bus. why I think of you every day and wish good things for you, cutit so well done for posting , you sound so sad and desparate, stopping drinking couldn't possibly be worse than what your doing to yourself, you can turn this around, and I believe your ready, I believe in you! imdoing you are a very brave lady and you're going to get you through this stay on the bus and we will support you, huge hugs to all of you and all of you supporting these lovely babes. soc I totally understand your thinking , if often thought I'd like to try antabuse, mainly because I still don't trust myself and I'm very respectful of medication as I have crohn's and medication has been my saviour. I know if I knew id be violently sick I wouldn't want to touch booze, I'm not sure it's that easy to get but I can see why it might help your determination but you sound like you've nailed it to me all by yourself!! I'm being very vigilant because I feel tired and fed up and the initial shine of sobriety is wearing off and (I'm sorry for the pathetic vanity here) I just can't get my weight down and it's getting to me, I guess I expected a miracle but need to refocus and kick start my healthy eating plan, have a great day xxx

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 09:37:22

Cutitup Wow, massive respect to you for writing so honestly, it must have been difficult, but I hope a bit of a relief too. Parts of your post resonate in me and I expect in all the other babes too.
If you've been reading the thread for so long, you will know that whilst we chat and gently laugh with each other from time to time, we are all worried about the long-term consequences of heavy drinking. To quote from The Eagles 'Desperado' - 'These things that are pleasing you, can hurt you somehow'. Worries about liver damage, heart damage, breast cancer, brain damage and stroke, as well as the more minor things; upset stomach, ulcers and minor injuries when clumsy and pissed. When my drinking was at it's heaviest, I used to worry that one morning I'd wake up, yellow from head to toe and be featured in Daily Fail's Health page with a picture of me in a hospital bed with one of their snarky 'Look what she did to herself' stories. I cringe inwardly whenever I read one of those.

It sounds to me like you don't have any AF nights. I've got a suggestion? If you like?

You need (just for one day to start) to make a huge change to your daily routine :-
Firstly, find your best pj's, put them on the bed for later. Then, if you've got a kindle, download any of the Gillian Flynn books - Gone Girl/Dark Places/Sharp Objects or Nicci French - Catch Me When I fall/Land of the Living/Secret Smile. All of these will grip you from the first page and are unputdownable. Don't eat hardly anything at lunchtime.

*Pick your dd up from school, go to Tescos, buy yourself something nice to put in the bath, try something coconutty or vanilla-y, both very soothing. Get her something too.

*Go for a ridiculously early tea. Something you both like McD's, KFC, pizza, anything quick and tasty and filling. Have a milkshake with it (not coffee or coke).

*When you get home, run a bath, put the lovelies in it and have a wallow. Then into pjs and then brush teeth and mouthwash.

*Downstairs, put tv on and watch stupid stuff, there's a Real Housewives of Vancouver on ITV2/ITV2 + 1 at about 4ish your time. They've all done so much to their faces, only their mouths move and they can't walk in those high heels. It's a laugh.

*Stay in the living room with your dd. Read your kindle, watch tv, clean and cosy and warm. No cold patio, sharp spiky too fizzy freezing cold glass of poison, no smelly dried up nasty old fag. Stay where you are.

*Your dd will probably love your company, her happiness will hit your <reward> button throughout the evening.

Time for bed, have a hot milky drink and biscuit and in Ma's words - get yerself to bed (I always hear that in a Scottish accent!)

Wake up in the morning, knowing that you broke the cycle, that you got out of the washing machine before it started to spin. So, you're not flat, damp, creased and flattened against the drum, you're slightly rumpled, sweet smelling and you've had a decent sleep and you don't have a hangover and you've done Day One which is the hardest day for all of us.

If you can, take each step of the above and if you do that, you will succeed. You will have ignored the tools that let you lay each perspex brick until you have a thick blurry wall between yourself and your life and your dd. Take the first steps back to recovering your health and wellbeing.

I'm sorry for the epic post and forgive me if I've been in any way patronising, but as Chezza would say 'You're Worth It' - and I think you are x

mewmeow Tue 01-Oct-13 09:43:46

Hi guys, hope everyone is doing ok smile, sorry only had time to read the last few messages. Just wanted to firmly jump back on the bus for October (and beyond) after a very heavy few months. Be back later, take care xxx

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 10:09:41

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Cut - I really hope you got some sleep sweetheart, your post was so familiar to my own life, my own past, it's as if you'd read my mind many years ago and decided to write what you'd seen.

The hardest step is always admitting that actually, the one glass of wine/vodka/beer a night or every other night isn't enough anymore.

Knowing that you WILL have that next drink. Knowing that you WILL have one after that too. Knowing that you WILL have more, even though you know you are way past the point of no return, you WILL drink until you either pass out or run out of alcohol.

So you've taken action to stop that right now. You've posted very honestly about what you are doing, you've posted honestly about the last few years, months, weeks, and days, even hours.

You can do what you need to, as long as you remain posting the way that you did last night, I admire you completely for your total honesty. I really do. It's hard, bloody hard to get this shit, this nasty poisonous venom out of your body but with our support, help from other sources, but most of all, you can do this because I believe in you smile

I believe that you DO want this now more than ever. I'm sure that there have been times in the past when you've stopped, for a while, for a few days, a few weeks etc, but fir some reason, this time is different.

Well done. smile xxx

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 10:21:36

Hey Mew

Well done for the determination that October is going to be your STOPtober for getting off the booze!

<waves pom poms> smile

You CAN do this! And I believe you want to do it too, I really believe that right now, we have so much positivity on here that we can help all of the Babes who need help.

IsinDe - I hope that you're okay today, I read your post from last night and what happened with DP....... I agree that you both need to reconnect.

You need some time out, time OFF, time together. Trust me, I know what that is like. I NEVER EVER get to go out just me and DH. Never in the last 4.5 years have we had a meal out, an night off... it sounds like you need to do that.

It sounds like you need to find each other again, you love each other too much. There's too much to lose, there's too much to let go. You have to keep talking, explaining to her why you drink and she needs to listen, really LISTEN to you..........

I'm sorry that things are tough for you right now.

I have to go taxi for DD as their school is on strike, Nemo is in school, so she's off into town to meet friends and her bf. smile

Then I have hydrotherapy so will be super sore later.

Oh and the washing needs doing - 8 loads yesterday, 2 left and 4 lots of bedding! Where the Jeff does it all come from??? confused

See, I told you all we chat about allsorts here! grin

Take good care Brave Babes xxx

babyjane1 Tue 01-Oct-13 11:27:09

ladame I loved your post, I'm ironing my pj's as we speak, I'm going to follow all your instructions and hope cut does too, great post full of warmth and concern, you make day 1 sound rather nice, and that's a reflection if your lovely kind nature.. mouse inside venus guggs you continue to be amazing, as do all you babes out there. Xx

Anneisnotmyname Tue 01-Oct-13 11:31:15

morning all smile Day three, got through yesterday by the skin of my teeth. A friend at work gave me a bottle of wine for my birthday and I must have spent nearly four hours arguing with myself whether or not to have a glass.

Reasons not to were it's a school night, I'm going out tonight, I don't want to have an open bottle of wine calling out to me for the next few days, especially when working the rest of the week. I badly wavered when I got in at nine and dh had the house in a tip the dds hadn't done their homework and nothing was ready for school. I don't know why I want to react to things like that by having a drink but I do. Logically I know it won't help but facing up to the stark reality of my life sober - and knowing im trapped for now is pretty miserable.

Anyway enough of the moaning, onwards and upwards

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 11:32:41

Thanks Babyjane smile smile smile

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 11:36:10

Morning babes

mouse your DD (14, right?) has a boyfriend?! shock Oh that is terrifying... I look at mine and think Noooooooo!

cut welcome to the Bus, and well done for being brave and posting. You'll get loads of support and advice on here. smile

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 11:38:21

Hi joey are you feeling a bit better today? x

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 01-Oct-13 11:44:57

That was a brilliant post, Ladame, I want to go do all of that now even though I'm not really struggling (it's the evening of day 2 here, but the trigger time of day has past) just because it sounds lovely!

DH is obviously struggling a bit more than I am, which is interesting because I don't think of him as having a problem at all - his thing is that he wants a drink definitely every day, but he seems to have no issue stopping at one...sometimes he'll leave the last inch of wine in his glass at the dinner table and not pick it up again all night, which blows my mind somewhat. And yet, if we start a pact to, say, stay AF all week, it's always, always him who first finds the excuse not to. (Which is not to excuse myself, obviously, I can say no even if he doesn't).

I haven't actually sat him down and said I Think I Have A Problem, because, well, you know. Saying it means I have to stop, right, and I'm not there yet. But we have together acknowledged that we drink too much generally, mostly in the context of our expanding paunches. So this morning I just said, all casual-like, that I was making salad for dinner, and also by the way I wasn't going to drink tonight. So he's joining me in an AF day, which is nice, and I am hopeful that tomorrow, too, I will not drink.

Dobbiesmum Tue 01-Oct-13 11:51:52

Morning...
I dropped off the bus a bit ago but need to get back on. At the moment I'm having a couple of drinks a night, not eating properly because When I'm anxious I can't eat and worrying about everything.
DS is struggling at school and I keep having to have phone conversations with teachers, money is a worry, we're remortgaging and I'm terrified we won't get it because my credit rating isn't too good (DH's is excellent though), DD1 is becoming so anxious and over analysing everything, she's doing really well at school but the slightest thing triggers tears, we're trying to do up our old house to rent out and can never get the time to sort stuff, DH works odd and very long hours so most evenings I'm alone with the DC's and instead of doing what needs to be done around the house I'm sat hiding in the computer putting everything off.
Bye the time the DC's are in bed I'm automatically going to the fridge and justifying it by thinking 'it's been a long day'.
Sorry for the moan..

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 11:55:57

ladame physically a lot better, 'Noctober' has started well and I had a good nights sleep.

Emotionally... I'm a bit down. Like dobbiesmum above, everything seems like such an effort, and after a long week, I feel like I deserve a drink.

And my book group is about to fall apart through lack of interest, and since they were my only RL friends, that means the only people I now have to talk to are Strangers on a Bus. sad

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 12:03:53

Thanks Tortoiseonthehalfshell My DH is exactly the same, he has 'a few beers' every night. He works hard and he feels it's his wind-down time. He never gets pissed like me but never feels he has to have a night off. So, my 'problem' - which isn't really a problem as I am a grown woman and should be able to be strong - is that I mainly work from home, either cooking or doing bookwork for him. Sooo, he comes home about six thirty, by then I've had eleventy million cups of tea. He likes to talk about his day over a few beers. I say no, I'll stay in here and knit/watch tv, because I'm trying to have a night off. So he says ok (sadly) because it's just us now dd is at Uni and then he goes off to sit in the kitchen/garden.

I try very hard not to think 'Fuck it, I've been mainly on my own all day, I'm bored and lonely, I'll just have one glass of wine and chat to him'. Because he is in and out of his office, he grazes and is never really that hungry until 8.30 or so (you can see where this is going hmm, so my 'one' glass turns into the bottle. We eat late and I've got another drinking day - and the calories - under my belt.

Then the next day, exactly the same, and repeat and repeat and repeat .....

So I'm trying really really hard to have 4 days off a week and it is really really hard. I don't have young children to put to bed/read story to/cook early tea for. I've just got Mr Ladame and the dog and he says 'Look, it's just a few glasses of wine, everyone does it, I love your company just sitting in our garden etc etc ....' Aaaarghh. I live in groundhog day, just the seasons are changing ...

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 12:07:21

Hi Dobbiesmum welcome back. Joey you do sound down sweetheart, sorry about your book club ((handsqueeze)) x

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 12:24:18

Thanks ladame sorry I was bit self-pitying!

Can you have yourself a snack earlier, come on here when you get bored, make yourself a non-alcoholic special 'winding-down' drink? Sorry if you've tried all of these already.

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 12:37:51

Yes, thanks Joey, I've tried all those things. He just wants to chat about his day, so I can't really be on here, and I don't have the willpower to sit in the garden for two hours or so with a soft drink, I've tried it, but I always give in. I don't have brilliant willpower I'm afraid sad Still, I am managing to stick to my guns at least some of the time. He jokes about it and says to enjoy it while we can, because in 20 years time, we'll be trundling up and down the stairs on our stannah stairlifts and drinking cocoa and pre-recording Midsummer Murders!!! We're also trying to spend time together now dd is at Uni, we've had problems in the past where we've become too distant from each other.

But, this is not really a problem, it's a lifestyle thing. Some of you babes have real problems and deserve real admiration for trying to overcome them and fight the ww at the same time.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 01-Oct-13 12:48:57

Oh, but that is really tricky, Ladame. And, frankly, it's unfair that he only wants to connect on his terms. I mean, ok, he wants to chat about his day (and yours, I hope?), but why does it have to be in the garden, over beers, specifically? Why can't he come and watch TV with you and chat? Or why can't you go out to dinner somewhere non-alcoholic/BYO only (if such places exist in the UK; here, most Lebanese restaurants tend to be teetotal, for example) and chat?

I'd be okay tonight if DH was drinking a glass of wine but that's because we're doing our own things near each other (I call this 'parallel play', like todders do) rather than chatting one on one. That would definitely be a wine time for me.

Something has to change, I think. Either your reconnecting time happens over dinner, and he just damn well stops grazing after 3pm to accommodate that (it does strike me that even your dinner time is catering only to his needs - even without the alcohol complication), or it happens out of the house, or it happens while you knit, or something. It can't be all on his terms!

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 13:12:04

Yes tortoise I understand what you're saying, I do really. Because he won't have a night off, he has always always wound down with a few beers, he wouldn't bring them in and watch tv with me, he wants to talk and spend a couple of hours together at the end of the day. It sounds like I am making excuses, but I've tried to change the dynamic and it always drifts back. The grazing thing is because although I make him sandwiches, the nature of his job is that he might have to go somewhere at short notice or meet someone and it just happens sometimes that he doesn't have a lunch hour or such iyswim, so he might not get to eat until later in the afternoon. If I tell him absolutely that I'm having a night off, he's really ok about it and won't try to make me, but he loves to sit in the garden and listen to music, rather than in front of the tv. I can then have my tea earlier if I want, or wait for him to come in and then have it together. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well, but it's all very amiable and not as rigid as it sounds.

I think, like most men it seems, he doesn't think I've got a problem and is slightly bemused that I think I have !! As you may know I live in France in a very quiet part and I don't know anyone really who doesn't drink. It's that expat age group where the kids have grown up and there's nothing much else to do. The restaurants in the village are closed now after the season. One opens on Saturday night for Steak and Chips and we often go.

We are trying really hard to stay 'connected' to each other. We've been married for a long time and it's easy to drift apart. He really is the most wonderful man and I love him dearly and I want it to stay that way if possible (we've had our ups and downs in the past).

I have a really nice life (haven't always, so am very grateful) and I don't have much at all to complain about, if this is the only thing, I should really slap myself with Barry and be ashamed.

Newbie05 Tue 01-Oct-13 14:57:39

Can I join?

Sober for nearly 3 years, I do it through AA. Some days though are tough- the wine/vodka calls me like an old friend.

I find thinking 'if I give in today, it will be easier to give in again tomorrow, and the day after, and the one after that, and before I know where I am I'll be back on warm vodka' really helps.

Sometimes. Other times it's clinging on by my fingernails, eating a lot of chocolate, getting out of the house, phoning a friend, (or my sponsor, who I love dearly and is great).

I realised recently (am I allowed a longish post if it's my first one ever?) that giving up booze is a bit like a diet that actually works. It is impossible to lose a significant amount of weight without ever being hungry. Just can't be done. Same with booze. We are always going to have times when we WANT to drink, and it's learning to get past them that is important. For me anyway.

What a great group of people on here. (all girls? Am not sure if boys come in here too...........)

Isindesidecar Tue 01-Oct-13 15:45:07

Hello Newbie congratulations on 3 years!

We used to have a couple of men on here but I am not sure they are around now....maybe we have some lovely male lurkers??? Give us a shout if you are there?

Welcome to the Bus lovely Newbie I have punched you a nice crisp non-returnable ticket!

Anneisnotmyname Tue 01-Oct-13 16:16:59

Welcome newbie, well done on three years smile

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 16:29:26

It's MN Christmas Secret Santa time of year, again! Already!!! shock

I was just having a wander through 'Christmas' trying to think of something super lovely to do this year and NY as we're staying at home on our own, and there is was, only 15 days to nominate, I better get a bloomin wriggle on! wink

<wonders how many of the Babes from this fabulous Bus she can remember off the top of her head> grin

<waits for the santa hat to appear in the smileys at the bottom of the page> grin

<tries to see if it still works from last year [ssmile]>

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 16:31:27

<realises that it doesn't> grin

Will be back in a bit lovely Babes to catch up and see how you all are, hanging in there I hope as Wine O'Clock approaches and the WW get's boxing gloves out of her bag.....

Stay strong Babes xxx

ruralreynard Tue 01-Oct-13 16:51:55

Welcome newbie well done on 3 years smile.
I can relate to all you say, Im clinging on for dear life on day 6 AF blush
Big wave to new babe cut too such a brave and honest post.
I am on day 6 but the ww is on my back with a vengeance today.
mouse just looked at your post and going to try and do as you say hang in there and strong.xx

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 17:12:18

Rural - I want to reach into the screen and grab you, pull you here and keep you safe.... From the WW but from all of the triggers in your life too. You seem so very sad just now sweetheart, Day 6 is BRILLIANT!! Don't let her, that wine bitch get her claws into you sweetheart, you ARE better than that! Absolutely you are! smile

Stay with me, keep posting, keep busy, read, cook, clean, go back to an old thread - get yourself to AIBU to see who you can piss off first? grin

Maybe not, it's scary over there! <points to the left> grin

Stick with us Rural - just a while longer, just a bit longer? Massive hugs to you xxx

I will read back properly, I just wanted to give you a hand to hold Rural

<passes furry paw> xxx

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 17:16:22

Newbie - 3 years is absolutely astounding, and something that only some of us here can ever dream of today, right at this minute and then the next, then the one after that.....

Some of us have been sober longer, some drink in moderation, some not at all and have got days/weeks/months and years under their belts, like you.

It's lovely to have you here, I hope you stay and help with as much advice as you can, if that's okay? smile xxx

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 17:32:31

Just got back from Sainsbury's without buying any wine - I should be proud of myself, but I feel really miserable today. I find my book club quite stressful (social anxiety) but maybe subconsciously I was looking forward to it?

Sorry for the me me me post. I figured wine would not help, because alcohol is actually a depressant. Instead pain au chocolate for breakfast tomorrow.

Hello to everyone, old and new. smile

Just checking in really, to keep myself focused. alias well done on avoiding the wine, feeling miserable is usually a big trigger for me. Sorry to hear the book club has finished for now, although I have never been in one I quite fancy the idea. You will just have to put up with the babes until something else comes up grin

Good luck to anyone struggling tonight xxx

Ladame Tue 01-Oct-13 19:08:29

OK, phew! 8 O'Clock here now. I'm out the other end, had tea, so have swerved the WW for tonight. I'm not feeling too well, got a Lupus flare up and that is one of my triggers. Hang on for another hour you guys, if I can do it tonight, YOU certainly can. Joey enjoy your Pain au Chocolat - much better for you than the other stuff that shall not be named wink x

Newbie05 Tue 01-Oct-13 21:22:07

Thanks for the welcome lovely ladies.

A day at a time, that's how long we have to not drink for. That's all. Take care of today, get through it, and not worry about tomorrow, or the next day.

In dire straits, wait 10 minutes before you have that drink. A friend told me, you can do ANYTHING for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes. then another 10. Sometimes that has saved me. The WW is a strong bitch, I'll say that. And her bitch sister the vodka witch. They NEVER give up.

Cutitup Tue 01-Oct-13 21:25:27

Ladame, thanks for your lovely and inspiring post. So lovely of you to think of writing all that down and you are absolutely right! I used to do all those things without even thinking about the WW. Now... well ...It's like a disease. I have a pile of books on my bedside that I'm too tipsy to read.

Thanks to Mouse and everyone else too.

I had full plans on being sober today but it didn't go that way. I kind of left it to fate. I had no tonic left and I picked DD up from school and we went to hobbycraft to get some materials for a project she's working on. I had fully intended to come home but she asked to stop at Co-Op to get something for her project. So I bought some tonic. And I've had a couple.

On the good side, I spent all evening with her in the living room helping her with her crafts and then all this stuff from school starting spilling out and we had a good, but emotional evening. I've just spent 45 minutes putting her to bed and telling her stories about when I was little. She loves that. She is 12, btw. So, a good night. I wouldn't call it sober but I know I will have a cup of tea in a minute and take my book to bed.

I also did a five mile walk today with my dog which made me feel ok. Knee is still dodgy from my fall on the weekend. Just reminds me of what a numptie I am.

Thanks to you all. As I said previously, I happened to be online when jesuswhatnext first posted (literally, within minutes) and I have moved countries twice since then but still keep reading this thread.

Sco - I'm with you on the Antabuse because I know I wouldn't drink if I knew it was going to make me sick (irony!). But, I also know how much I'd relish having a few child free days and I'd have those same bottles of wine lined up. And wood for the fire. And milk! It's sick, isn't it? It would be so much better to enjoy those child-free days to go to the gym, walk, have a treatment, read all day and indulge in trash tv with a cup of tea.

Onwards and upwards babes. I will be back. xx

dementedma Tue 01-Oct-13 21:43:41

Too many wonderful babes undergoing major hassles to name check, so I will focus on the most important thing.....who the fuck is feeding opal fruits to the dog? angry
I'm drinking as usual. Well done to those who are sober

Cutitup Tue 01-Oct-13 21:47:32

Hello dementedma, at least you're here. Just wanted to say Hi! I am also having MY LAST ONE!

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 22:05:49

ma <clipes> I think it was indie grin

Feeling better, thanks guys! Watched The Wrong Mans & walked the dog.

There is a brand-new BABY next-door (I can hear it crying) and its making me so broody - my ovaries are aching! envy

whydidthishappen Tue 01-Oct-13 22:47:20

Hi to all new babes on the bus.

Having a bad day. I'm just sobbing. I physically ache for my baby. I'm worried that as he starts to develop attachments and seperation anxiety that he wont remember me or miss me. Is it selfish to wish anxiety on a child?

Alcohol is the last thing on my mind. I feel as if I'm fading away, becoming both lighter and heavier at the same time.
Sorry

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 22:55:00

Cut - you are at least having your last drink lovely ...... how many have you had tonight? smile Have you cut down or reduced your intake at all? I'm so glad you're still posting here! I really am smile Last night was a HUGE turning point in your life, one I connected with too..... Keep going xxx

Ma - you hang in there too please? You seem really low, are you okay? I mean really? xxx

<chucks pack of Opal Fruits at Ma in all her favourite colours only> smile

I'm off to bed, I had hydro today and I'm still in agony, then my first acupuncture tomorrow, no doubt I've bored you all to death telling you that already! grin

Nemo had a bad night so I'm prying for sleep tonight, it catches up with me so fast!!

<yawns>

Stay strong Babes - you can get through the shit that you're facing, if not today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, it will happen 'eventually'.... I say that because we are all so different and yet share the same concerns, the same addiction, the same habit, the same horrible hatred as we pour that glass, the same feeling as we wakem as we go to bed looking at the empty bottle, we all share that connection.

But I promise that it's not forever because there comes a time when you find your own personal ENOUGH BUTTON

We all have one, it's in there. It's buried, it's near to the surface, it's hidden, it's there though, you can reach it and you will. One Day.

The thing is, your One Day could be today, as you read this, your ENOUGH BUTTON is certainly on it's way to shout loud and proud to you that you are strong enough to get through an evening with DH, a day after having the DCs alone when you are beyond exhausted, a day after being shat on from a great height at work, your DP being a twat again and you having to face it..... not feeling well, not wanting something to happen, to face up to something.......

It's hard this thing called life, but we're kinda stuck with it, and this Bus can be a way out, a helping hand, a kind smile, a gentle squidge, a nice knowing look that you're not alone.

Your ENOUGH BUTTON is there, YOU just have to find it, something will click. Something has to give.... and that something has to be YOU brave babe xxx

I love you all for your continual battles, day in and day out. You all face a battle of some sort.... Keep fighting Babes xxx

Night smile xxx

Mouseface Tue 01-Oct-13 23:03:18

Oh Why - sad

Where are things up to? When are you seeing him again? Please don't worry about him forgetting you, he won't. I thought that your ex was okay about things? I thought he was going to talk to you?

I'm sorry but I have to go, keep posting, others will be here soon, sorry to leave you.

You can get him back - you're sober aren't you? You're proving it and going through the hoops that you had too? You are doing the things asked of you.....

Keep going. Get in bed, take something of his with you and just hold it. Just think of him and sleep.

When Nemo was critically ill in PICU, I held his very first teddy that he's been given, it smelt of him, I had it to hold, to help me picture his happy face, no tubes or wires or machines with his tiny frail body in a giant white bed, surrounded by things I didn't understand or want to see...............

Focus on a happy memory, and try to sleep. x

Fairenuff Tue 01-Oct-13 23:04:26

why is it tomorrow that you get to see your husband? Will you see your baby too?

whydidthishappen Tue 01-Oct-13 23:21:49

I saw my baby yesterday and I'll see him tomorrow. But it's not the same.

I can see my husband and talk to him.

But I need my baby back. I can't stop crying. I miss the smell of his head, his giggles and smiles. It feelsas if boiling water is being poured on me, and I could rip my own skin off with grief and frustration.

aliasjoey Tue 01-Oct-13 23:39:42

why sorry if my earlier post upset you, I wasn't thinking straight.

I hope you manage to get a good night's sleep.

whydidthishappen Wed 02-Oct-13 00:04:24

Oh not at all Joey. This is the self-pity of early sobriety. Surveying the damage that I have done. I'll eschew the hair-shirt tomorrow.I will see my baby tomorrow.

Its just today I'm sad.

And I feel like a perfect shit for feeling low given the week some of you babes have had, particularly Mouse.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 02-Oct-13 01:39:49

Why, I can't imagine how painful this must be for you - all my sympathies to you.

And Ladame I hope I didn't come across all LTB! I just meant, surely there's a middle ground whereby you two can reconnect on terms that suit you both? Have a picnic tea out in the garden while you chat, and if he's not that hungry he can just pick at it and eat a snack later? Something like that? It sounds all or nothing at the moment; either you drink a bottle of wine in his favourite place, or you sit on your own while he's a bit sad and misses you, and stay sober. You know?

Book Group tonight, and I offered to drive a friend (who originally offered to drive me) so I definitely can't drink.

PotteringOtter Wed 02-Oct-13 02:36:10

<flags bus> <gets on>

I'm still up at this time because I'm drinking. It's my first drink since the weekend (and that was hard). I have to be in work early tomorrow so apparently tonight was the night I decided to drink....

What's AA like, those that go?

I keep telling myself that I when something happens. If I get a new flat I'll stop. If I get an allotment I'll stop etc and etc

PotteringOtter Wed 02-Oct-13 02:36:51

That I'll stop when something happens (sorry)

whydidthishappen Wed 02-Oct-13 03:23:00

AA is great. After you admit that you have a problem with alcohol and have a desire to stop drinking, things start to heal, and fast. Don't wait for an external force to shake the inertia, because you cannot control external forces. I'd encourage you to sieze the day, to create the oppertunity for your own sobriety on your own terms.

Its not your apartment, its not your job, its not your relationship: those things may be awful, but alcoholics know deep down it is their drinking. You may or may not be an alcoholic, only you can decide that. But if you want to stop drinking the bus and AA is an excellent idea.

Mouseface Wed 02-Oct-13 08:23:34

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Why - your post this morning is so different to the posts last night, it's like you are a whole other person.

And don't apologise for feeling your pain isn't as worthy as mine was/is..... we each own our fears, demons and horrific memories of events gone by. I'm lucky, luckier than I can ever say that Nemo is still here.

Although he has just had a reflux attack sad He's that time of year again....

Otter - lovely to meet you, find a seat and have a brew smile

I have to get the school run Mouse into gear now, be back soon.

<leaves breakfast out of various items - bacon rolls, cereals, hot drinks, fresh fruits, ReadyBrek and toast too>

LRDMaguliYaPomochTebeSRaboti Wed 02-Oct-13 08:31:12

Morning babes.

ladame, hope you feel better today.

why - your post about AA was just what I needed to read to give me a kick (I need to go to something similar my GP recommended and I'm nervous). Thank you! Hope today goes well for you.

newbie - wow, three years! That's a good thought.

Right, I hope everyone is doing ok. Today, I will not be drinking except-a-- fuckload of water for bootcamp. hmm grin

Ladame Wed 02-Oct-13 08:46:48

Hi Babes

Welcome Newbie Morning Annie, Rural, Joey, Mew, Dobbies Mum, LRD, Socfish, Beaches, Hi to Pottering Otter

Hope thing are better in the Indie household and also Ma that you're ok? You sound a bit down at the moment.
Cutitup I'm glad you had a better night last night lovely.
Bonne Matin Babyjane!x
Why I'm certainly no expert, but your baby will immediately recognise your smell and the sound of your voice? I can only imagine how hard this is for you, especially in the light of sobriety when the thing that would blur these hard edges for you is the very thing that causes the cutting sharp edges sad Hang in there.

Tortoise Not at all sweetie, you make absolutely perfect sense. We've sorted drifted into this way of living and I'll have to shake it up a bit wink

Mouse Wishing you a calmer day, with less pain and a big sleep at the end of it x

Well, hopefully day 3/7 for me today. Still a bit poorly so my resistance is low, but still got three days to achieve my 4/7 and I'm bloody well going to do it!

Love to all from rainy France and the farmer has put the fertiliser on the fields! The dog has already rolled in it (and some unspeakable dead thing he found) so, the whole place smells farty. Really farty.

ruralreynard Wed 02-Oct-13 09:35:41

Morning all,
Missed most of last nights posts as took myself off to bed really early to -escape the WW read a book.
mouse your posts are so inspiring,I am amazed how you find time to hold your furry paw out to all who need a helping hand when you have so much to cope with yourself. Thank you for holding my big furry fox paw last night it must have been bl**dy heavy, < hopes she didn't squash lovely mouse>
cut keep posting, keep trying you achieved a lot last night well done smile.
why just keep on doing what you are doing it must be really really hard but you are on the road to getting your baby back full time. Thinking of you. smile
I am on day 7 today. tbh I am having sad moments and crying without any real reason now and again also not sleeping but sobriety seems to affect me that way. Wine is my anaesthetic, fall into bed when the wine runs out and yes I sleep because Im practically comatose when I hit the pillow.
Next morning I feel like shite and vow never again, until wine o clock comes and I convince myself that one glass won't hurt.Yeah an hour or 2 later bottles empty . Mmmm !! most us have been there methinks.
Anyway sorry for wittering on and on babes blush
Day 7 BRING IT ON WW.
I will not be drinking today.
Catch you later babesxxx

Mouseface Wed 02-Oct-13 09:39:04

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa grin Dame! Brilliant! Sorry you're not feeling so great still xxx

But that has just made me ROFL! We too are rural and that smell is actually indescribable to me but I think 'farty' just about covers it! Thank you for cheering me up! smile

Having just dropped a very clingy boy off, I now need to plan my food before my acupuncture so that I can eat before I go but have something small now. I'm not sure if I can eat after or if they just want you to eat before so you're blood sugar levels are stable?

Has anyone here had acupuncture?

And 'it's' that time of year again for Nemo, not 'he's' - sorry, rushed typing! blush

Well, my application for Parent School Gov is up against 3 others, 2 teachers - one who has been a head of the school, a teacher, and a TA, the next is a history teacher and has been for 10 years with other experience in the field, the last is a man who has his own business and believes that his experience as a Director can transfer into the role of the school gov from what he wrote, I think....

I don't stand a chance, I really don't sad although DH and others have said that the school aren't looking for teachers, they're looking for parents who want to invest their time and life experience to the school.... I was gutted when I read their supporting statements.

More coffee xxx

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 02-Oct-13 09:44:12

Ladame could you both take the dog for a walk instead of sitting in the garden? Sometimes it's nice to talk over your day whilst walking side by side iykwim - it takes the pressure off and you don't associate it with drinking.

ruralreynard Wed 02-Oct-13 09:47:34

Sorry just seen we have a new babe.
Welcome to this wonderful bus potteringOtter
You have come to right place.
You will get lots of help here. smile

ruralreynard Wed 02-Oct-13 10:06:37

mouse don't worry about the people you are up against in the parent governor elections. At the end of the day its who the other parents think is the best candidate that counts. They are the voters.
I know who I would vote for. I am sure you are the best candidate and the parents that know you will surely realise this and vote for you.
If you don't win this time its because not enough parents know you well enough to realise you would make an excellent governor.
My daughter is a parent governor at her childrens school and is not a teacher or professional of any kind. She got in on her 3rd attempt, two previous attempts someone else won but she got there in the end.
So don't despair mouse do a bit of campaigning amongst the parents and if you don't win this time, try again. Fingers crossed and wishing you luckxxx

Dobbiesmum Wed 02-Oct-13 10:08:16

Morning, no drink last night but I was bloody tempted! Have made an appointment to see DS's form tutor tomorrow, I was spitting mad yesterday. There's no support for children at that school if they are struggling academically, they're just told to get on with it and shut up as far as I could gather from her yesterday. I'm upset with DS because he's acting up for certain teachers in the lessons he's struggling with so I'm also upset with the teachers for not recognising his difficulties despite several conversations already this year! The line the teachers take seems to be "if he can't do the work he will fall behind". And that's it...
He's year 8 and we're seriously considering moving or HEing him. The school has just become an academy, not long out of special measures too so they are very focused on results rather than pastoral care. Aargh....

Anneisnotmyname Wed 02-Oct-13 10:16:05

Morning all, welcome Potter smile

Fingers crossed for you mouse, I agree that the teachers applying for the position aren't necessarily strong candidates. That's not to denigrate teachers, but they probably already have teachers who are parents on the PTA, whereas you bring a whole range of different experiences. I am amazed as to where you find the energy to take on all that you do though.

Well day 4 today and still have a bottle of wine rattling about in the boot of my car. I'm thinking about drinking more because it's there. I'm still along way from getting back to the person who had loads of wine in the cupboard for months without giving it a second thought.

Ladame Wed 02-Oct-13 10:20:36

Crabby Hi! Yes, we sometimes do take the dog for a walk, but Mr Ladame has been very busy through the summer, here and there like a BAF and he likes to come home to relax. I will think of something to change things up a bit. One of the things though is that he says to me 'well, just have one and then stop?' Aaarrgghhh, if I could just have one, I'd be the happiest Ladame in France. hmm

typhoontanya Wed 02-Oct-13 10:59:44

Morning babes, just checking in. No alcohol since Friday but I do visit my cousin on Wednesday evenings and we open a bottle of red. We never open a 2nd one as she sips at her glass and so I end up doing the same. So tonight I will have 2 glasses of wine and leave it at that!

typhoontanya Wed 02-Oct-13 11:08:27

Posted too soon ... meant to add this is a huge difference from my other friend that I usually have a drink with. She has the same self-destruct button I have and we would drink all night with no stop button being pressed at all!

Newbie05 Wed 02-Oct-13 11:43:13

AA. Hmm. For me, it's been a life saver. The first day I walked in, hung over to the eyeballs, husband at the end of his tether, kids ashamed of me, a crying mess, they were so nice. they didn't judge, they just looked after me. So I went back, and they continued to be nice. Some tough love too, but NEVER judgmental. That was the big thing. And they GOT it. they GOT that I 'couldn't' stop, they had done all the shit I had ever done, and worse. And now we all laugh about it.

I thought they were a bunch of weirdos- what the hell did they have to be so happy about, and God? forget that. Now I know they are a bunch of weirdos, but they are MY weirdos.

As to God- well- not sure. A 'higher power' of some sort- yes, absolutely. I couldn't stop drinking by myself, but with this group of people- I have done. for a while anyway. So the whole '2 heads are better than one' is a force greater than myself. Like the bus. So there IS something outside me that is stronger than I am, and that's a higher power.

I am very lucky in that where I love there are multiple meetings a day. I usually go at 7am, and in the next town there is one at 7.30.

I don't think it's for everyone, but I love it. And it works. Take what you like, and leave the bullshit.

Sorry, long.

Mouseface Wed 02-Oct-13 12:35:38

Thanks *Rural xxx smile That's a lovely post to me.

Dobbie - My DD's school has just done the same, changed to an academy and I know what you mean. You have to do what is best for HIM - both emotionally and from an educational point of view, which in itself is a tough call. x

Newbie - if it works for you then I want you to sing it from the rooftops! We're all so different aren't we? What works for you, won't work for me, or Ma and what works for Dame won't work for you or venus......

If it stops you picking up that poisonous pickling juice, then you go for it and I for one think AA is fantastic, not because I've every been, buut because for those that it does help to become and remain sober, is nothing short of fantastic. So do what works for YOU and share that.

Who knows who is reading this? That one reader may think - 'I really need help, I'm going to call AA/my GP/my local Alcohol Support Team etc............. or even post. x

Tanya - well done you! Weekends are always tougher imo. smile x

Right, off to my very first acupuncture <wibble>

Be back later. Stay strong Babes !!! xxx

SocFish Wed 02-Oct-13 13:58:22

Hello All
Welcome to all the new people. Stick around, this bus helps. Sorry to not name check everyone. I'm hopeless at keeping up, but I read and admire and am very grateful to everyone who writes here. I also know how nice it is when people take the time and effort to thank me or mention me personally so I should really get my shit together.

I have just come back from an AA meeting. It was great. I am now full of intentions to go to a few more this week. I was a real battle field today wanting to drink and that 90 minutes has sorted that out for me. Now I feel stronger and more resolved again.

I did get a prescription for Antabuse from my GP. Whether I use it on Monday or not I'm undecided, but I have it. I think I may use it just to shut those voices up. I know if I drink of Monday then I will drink on Tuesday. And then probably find a reason to drink on Wednesday and undo all this fucking hard slog of 3 weeks sober.

Life is much smoother, simpler and clearer when I'm not drinking. I can't go back to those daily hangovers and blackouts and guilt (and more shit than I care to think about).

Take care Brave Babes
Soc xxxx

Mouseface Wed 02-Oct-13 14:35:24

Soc - there are other babes who have taken Antabuse on the Bus, and AFAIK, they did well with it.

You know that you are right, if you drink today (or tomorrow, whenever) then the next day will follow suit because it'll be the whole - 'fuck it, I've started so I'll finish and now it's weekend so I'll stop on Monday....' and then you won't.

So, read all about it on the info leaflet inside the box, rather than the scarefest that is Google! grin Then see if you want to take it, see how you feel both mentally and physically on it lovely Soc.

I think Silver took it (and may still do) and I know that at least one other Babe begged their GPs for themselves but had to wait.

You sound ready to take it or at least ready to stop with the drinking pattern you had/have etc. Good on you!! xxx

Ladame Wed 02-Oct-13 15:31:36

Babes Keep your fingers crossed for me - MIGHT HAVE A JOB!! A proper smart clothes 'n' briefcase type of a job. I'm very hopeful because the boss has asked for me personally because I've met him, we just have to check there's no conflict of interest with Mr Ladame's business and I'll know in a couple of days. They are so difficult to find here, so I am really excited.

Ratatouille1977 Wed 02-Oct-13 15:56:16

I'm almost 3 weeks AF and it has been great, I recommand the book by Jason Vale : Kick the drink..easily..it really helped me.I think soc is reading it too.

Fairenuff Wed 02-Oct-13 16:32:21

I've done four weeks AF/healthy eating now and lost 4lb and it's been so easy. I think it's because I made that decision not to drink for 7 weeks.

I don't drink much anyway, so I'm used to going a couple of weeks but knowing for sure that I'm not drinking just makes it easier to stick to smile

But, the most unexpected outcome is this: I would be perfectly happy to never drink again. I don't miss it, I don't want it. It holds no power over me.

It used to drive me to the shops almost every day. It used to make me spend my money and suffer horrendous hangovers. I thought I couldn't live without it. I thought I needed it. I was scared of a life without alcohol.

Now, I don't even want it. How about that? Pretty amazing eh? smile

aliasjoey Wed 02-Oct-13 16:47:02

mouse how did your acupuncture go? I've had some, and found it very helpful for pain relief.

ladame my DH says the same to me - “just have one!" - they really don't get it, do they?!

Some things I've found helpful: I only drink wine, so as long as he sticks to beer or whisky, I don't get too jealous. I ask him to be discreet about it though.

Also if I'm planning to have a drink, I make sure there is only in the house the maximum I can drink at a time (for me, 500ml of wine) I don't know how hard it is to buy smaller bottles in France, but basically I try to limit the amount that is available to me.

Ps. Good luck with the job!

Faire that is a fantastic outcome, you sound so happy and in control of everything. Relish the freedom, I know I would x

Soc you are so pro-active, it seems when the wobbles come you get yourself off to AA and when you think there maybe danger ahead you prepare some battle armour. Whether you take it or not, you have the mental support of knowing you can. I admire your grit. Have you got anything lined up for your child free days?

Ladame bon chance! Sounds fantastic and a briefcase too, magnifique!

Now, because I am on my phone, I can't scroll back and remember the other posts. Oh, apart from Why who I hope has a big cuddle and inhale of her baby sons head today. Keep going, you continue to be a massive inspiration xx

All other posters, you are all giving me more than you know. Take care of yourselves.

<nervously whispers " my opal fruit has a starburst wrapper on it"shock>

Sorry alias, it took me so long to write my post I missed yours. I had also wondered about the smaller bottles of wine for ladame. smile

Mouseface Wed 02-Oct-13 18:36:57

Dame - EVERYTHING crossable is crossed for you smile xxx

Joey - it fucking HURTS! I have no relief as yet but she did say that's not uncommon. My spine feels 'ground' if that makes sense? sad

She couldn't get the needles into the muscles because they were too tight and in spasm so it took her a while.

Sorry to post and dash but I am actually going out, with adults, to a pub for some food, without a child, or a husband either (which is never an issue for either of them to be there, I'll miss them but don't say a word! wink )

Will try to pop back on when I get in, love to all, stay strong and focused, it's mid-week, that sneaky Wine Bitch Witch will be getting her ass kicking gear on round about now..... don't let it be YOU xxx

Jesseismysecretcrush Wed 02-Oct-13 22:28:52

Sorry just to jump in but just to say to * mouse* i have had acupuncture a few times. Heard great things and recommendations for my practitioner BUT I didn't get it, i'm not a baby with needles and I'm all for alternative therapies but I didn't see any benefits and didn't enjoy the sessions. Lots of people would say otherwise though! I hope it helps you.

Not as bad as colonic irrigation though, that really wasn't an hour i'd want to repeat!

ruralreynard Wed 02-Oct-13 22:42:32

Just checking in.
mouse hope you are having/had a lovely evening.
Ladame my fingers are crossed for you. Sounds a great opportunityxx
Well I won the battle with the WW for today. Phew! it was a close call today. DAY7 done.

Isindesidecar Wed 02-Oct-13 22:49:12

Hey Babes. Sorry not to nsme check and realise that's a bit crap seeing as there Are lots of new Babes on here.
In bed in hotel room having had 3 glasses of wine at dinner. Stupidly bought bottle of wine ( before dinner as insurance...i think some of you might ' get’ this insane act....) but
I have had stern talking to self and am now in bed with glass of water and not going to open the bottle.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard, conflict- filled day and I want to feel rested. So going to sleep now. Small improvement i know but feels like a good decidion tonight.
Love to all and promise i will read back and name chavk and engage properly soon!
Night night xx

Jesseismysecretcrush Wed 02-Oct-13 22:59:56

That's great * isinde* be proud for not opening that bottle. Good decision, sleep well x

Well done rural! X

ruralreynard Wed 02-Oct-13 23:24:40

Thanks Jessethanks
Well done isinde a nice clear head in the morning is a great feeling smile

SocFish Thu 03-Oct-13 00:02:16

Thank you mouse. You made me all tearful last night. You’re amazing. You’ve been supporting these threads for years and I can’t imagine how many people you have helped and touched in some way. Even all the way down here in wet cold Australia. Thank you for being around. Hope you feel better soon.

isinde totally get that about buying the bottle. I always make sure there is more than enough to get hammered on before I start drinking. Daft…other people would just drink with dinner (or whatever) and then leave it at that. I have this huge urge to get totally shit faced each time. But well done for not opening that bottle. I don’t think I would have managed.

Thanks beach I’ve reached a point where I really want to, and have to, give up. I don’t mind the odd bender or so, but it never stops there with me. I know that if I have a drink on Monday, I will probably write the rest of the week off and then I have to start again….not sure I have the strength to start from scratch. And I LOVE opal fruits so beware. Although last night on my way home from AA I filled up with petrol and bought not less than 4 slabs of chocolate (big ones). That should see me through today.

alias I’m the same. There is alcohol in the house and I’m not tempted. As long as it’s not white wine (or champagne) I can avoid it. Different if I start drinking, then I’ll drink everything and anything. My husband likes red wine (he’ll have one or two glasses – if he’s having a wild night he may stretch it to three) so there is often red wine open in the house, and it really does nothing to me, but put a bottle of white wine in the fridge and I turn into some kind of demented demonic creature who cannot possible survive another minute without it.

fair that’s awesome. I can’t wait to be just like you. Seriously, I am looking forward to when this constant chatter quietens down in my head. It’s a bit all consuming. But apparently it does eventually become much less and you don’t think about drinking quite so much.

Rat, yes I’m reading that book. It’s amazing. As is The Sober Revolution. I have them both on my kindle and dip into them often. It all helps.

Ladame good luck with the job!

Newbie I know what you mean about weirdo’s. I was sitting in AA last night thinking they’re mad as a bunch of frogs (this particular group more than any other) but it’s kind of appealing. One of the difficult things about giving up drinking for me has been that I’ve always rather liked that ‘dark dingy side’. But I’m beginning to realise that you can still be weird and funny and odd WITHOUT being drunk. Well, they certainly were last night. Made me feel right at home. With weak tea and cheap chocolates.

And all the other babes, well done, good luck and stick around. I’ve got to go and get breakfast for my kids and start another day. xxxxx

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 03-Oct-13 01:55:53

Morning all! Went to book group last night, and did actually have a small glass of wine due to a sudden reluctance to explain why not. But stuck at that for the night, so I'm counting that as a win.

Tonight I was always planning to drink, but I'm starting to think it over, and I could do with advice?

Thursday nights have always been my 'me' night - DH goes out, I buy nice cheese and some smoked salmon and yummy nibbly things and have a good bottle of wine and quality TV. And all of those elements feel very intertwined. I kind of find TV (even really good drama) a bit boring without wine, I can't get lost in it.

So I feel like, without the nibbles and the wine and the TV, I don't know how to make it a treat night. Bubble baths and chocolates and trashy mags don't do it for me at ALL. Clearly I need to break the "wine = reward/treat" nexus, but I'm struggling to come up with good substitutes.

On the bright side, I've lost 1.5lbs this week!

whydidthishappen Thu 03-Oct-13 03:02:16

I have no advice on how to break the wine as reward cycle. For me, I just know that while I thought I was rewarding myself, I was actually punishing myself AND harming those around me. But I was miserable while I drank anyway.
Good luck with tomorrow.

SocFish Thu 03-Oct-13 04:07:55

Tortoise I had a moment of insanity and thought of taking up cigarettes again......it seems like we 'need' something.
Chocolates fill a small gap for me, but not sure what else to suggest. More exotic food? Strange non alcoholic drinks. White knuckle ride it out for a night?

Isindesidecar Thu 03-Oct-13 07:15:11

Morni g babes,

Really love the fact that socfish and why and tortoise are posting in the middle of our night (Tortoise where are you? I am assuming a-broad but you may have just been a-wake smile
Bloody awful nights slepp which is why I was reading the thread at 3am...lots of anxiety type dreams and lying awake obsessing about work hmm
However! I might be tired, I miight feel like 110, I might want to crawl back under the duvet...BUT....I don, t feel hungover, I don't feel guilty and I don't feel anxious that people will smell stale wine on me smile
So all in all a better start to the day
Now, do I leave this bottle of wine in te room for the cleaners or take it with me?
Love to all
good luck with the interview ladame really rooting for you this side of the manche lovely xx

SocFish Thu 03-Oct-13 07:20:00

isindie leave the bottle. Step away from the bottle. Walk slowly and calmly to the door... grin

Fairenuff Thu 03-Oct-13 08:36:03

Bloody hell, alcohol is everywhere isn't it. No wonder it's so hard to resist sometimes. When you were talking about books clubs, it didn't even cross my mind that there would be wine. Don't know why, it seems to be appropriate for every occasion these days hmm

Tortoise I used to have huge food/tv/wine links and even stopped watching some of my favourite programmes to avoid that habit. Try getting a new boxset and making different habits. Something where the plot is so complicated you need to stay sober and focussed to 'get it'. Recommendations anyone?

(I used to watch things like Poirot and not be able to remember the next day whodunit because the wine made me nod off or block it out so there was no hope of anything more taxing grin)

Or, download a series to watch on your laptop in bed with a cup of tea?

Isinde I had to look twice to double check the time of your post last night. You changed two of your habits. You didn't open the bottle and you didn't stay up until the small hours (although you woke up, but that's different). Things are changing for you, my lovely, well done smile

Leave the bottle. There is always opportunity to buy more if you want it, but don't have it just because it's there. And if I'm too late and you've taken it, pour it away.

Alternative treats. I have tried to be 'in the moment' to enjoy my life. If I sink into a warm bath, I luxuriate in it. If I stretch out in my bed with clean sheets and a good book, I am happy as a pig in shit grin

A walk in the cool air with the wind blowing my face, even in the rain, can be a refreshing experience. A belly laugh over something stupid with my family or friends makes me grateful to have company. These, and many other little everyday moments are all 'treats' to be savoured and remembered.

I used to shove everything in my gob - food, drink, cigarettes but this oral fixation for 'reward' is not as satisfying as all the other things we can do.

I've saved loads of money too.

Have a good day babes. And welcome to any new babes that I've not spoken to yet, looking forward to getting to know everyone better x

typhoontanya Thu 03-Oct-13 10:13:52

Brilliant post Faire, I found myself nodding at parts of it, I still shove everything in my gob but hopefully that will change. Today I will do my best to be "in the moment".

aliasjoey Thu 03-Oct-13 10:34:46

Lovely post faire

4 days AF for me, although am still not sleeping properly. Just can't seem to make myself switch off that bedroom light!

Mouseface Thu 03-Oct-13 10:36:38

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Cut - are you out there lovely? You've not posted for a while, just wanted to check how you are, if things are better for you right now? Even if you're drinking, just pop in and post a quick smile or sad so I know xxx

IsinDe - my friend, you have made me smile so very much. You may see the changes of last night as small steps but knowing you as I do for the years that I have, I think you have turned one hell of a bloody big corner! Really, I do. smile

Without sounding patronising, or to belittle the giganormous step that took last night, I'm proud of you, ever so proud of you sweetheart. xxx I think if it were me, I'd have taken the bottle of wine but that's more the fact that I'd paid for it than I wanted to drink it asap....

I'd take it home and save it or give it to DH or share it with a friend but that's how I work. Last night I went out and I had a glass of wine, some wonderful laughs and came home, went to bed and snuggled up to Nemo when he woke again at 1.20am.... If I'd have had more, and he'd have woken at that time, I'd have been grumpy and not wanting to get up but because I'd been out, I missed him so much.

Also, I didn't want more than one glass of wine. That in itself is a huge turn round for me, from where I used to be and do you know what IsinDe - that step, that forward step that you took is the start of better things because if you read back over the last few weeks, you are posting more and more about 'how you went to bed sober' 'how you didn't have that last drink' about 'how you started later' etc.............

You're changing. Your habits are changing. I know that you had that massive shitty night with DP and things are still a bit, ahem, frosty in that department but you can see that now.

Months ago you'd have thought fuck it wouldn't you? I really do think that you are beginning to unravel the demons, the fears, the reasons for your drinking, bit by bit and every so slowly and maybe without knowing it.... I think you are starting to come to the end of the circles that you walk day in and day out. smile xxx

babyjane1 Thu 03-Oct-13 10:36:41

Hi babes haven't read back, having to deal with some long overdue RL issues, will catch up tonight, just wanted to send my love to everyone xxxx

ruralreynard Thu 03-Oct-13 11:09:26

Good morning babes.
So many of you doing so well at kicking the WW into touch smile.
tortoise can't really help as I can totally relate to what you are saying.
Find it really hard to find substitutes.
I am on day 8 a/f today and so far every day has been a fight and soooo
hard.
I have gone to bed every night thinking ahh well I've been good today so I can have a night with my old friend white wine tomorrow.
So far I haven't just wake thinking WOW i feel so much better with each passing A/F day I'll try for another. Sort of just taking it ODAAT and sometimes one minute at a time when the ww digs her claws in.. Success thus far grin.

Mouseface Thu 03-Oct-13 11:12:39

Jessie - today I am hurting like billyo after my acupuncture, and I have no pain relief at all. Whilst I was lay on the table, I could feel the needles in me and I could feel the pain around the areas.

I told the physio and she said I needed to relax as my muscles had gone into spasm around the needles hmm so I have another 4 sessions to go.... let's see shall we?

How many sessions did you have?

Joey - well done on 4 days!! GO YOU!! smile

Soc - how are you feeling today? smile

I have hydro again at 1.30, then Nemo's nurse is here at 3.30 and then an AGM at school at 7 so another day of madness and busy mummy! I will be home to put him to bed thought tonight, even if I have to leave early smile

How's everyone feeling today who hasn't posted so far, or even if you have, are we all ready to kick the WW into touch? This weather (cold, damp, Autumnal) is helping me to keep to my no carbs or starch way of eating as I'm filling up on hot drinks and water!! grin

aliasjoey Thu 03-Oct-13 11:35:17

babyj hope everything is okay with you today

mouse hmm I got the impression the needles were supposed to relieve the muscle tension and spasms. It did make it ache afterwards (as if my muscle had been massaged in one specific spot on the inside) and then gradually the tightness improved. But my physio was really good, he could tell where my muscles needed it.

Also I really trusted him, because to begin with I thought acupuncture was all woo and alternative (but figured the cash-strapped NHS wouldn't pay for it unless there was some evidence that it worked) but he persuaded me to give it a go - and yeah it did help.

Anneisnotmyname Thu 03-Oct-13 11:45:42

Faire I found watching the returned kept me off wine, I couldn't have kept up with the plot never mind the subtitles if I was drinking.

Well day five, physically I feel so much better since cutting down drinking but lately my mood is lousy. I feel like crying all the time at work, I'm bored stupid at home but I have no motivation to do anything. I'm off tomorrow so I'm going to force myself to go to the gym and blitz the house - hope it'll help me snap out of it

typhoontanya Thu 03-Oct-13 12:24:23

Annie, I am like you, lousy humour at work, bored stupid at home with no motivation to do anything. This weekend I also intend to blitz my house!

Hi All.
My day went a bit pear shaped yesterday with DH being taken to hospital and having a CAT scan. He is fine and they think it was just migraine symptoms, the scans showed nothing untoward, but for a few hours everything felt so fragile and surreal.

As far as the WW is concerned, once the relief kicked in and I was left with lots of adrenaline flying round and I REALLY wanted a drink. I didn't have one actually because I just seemed to recognise that it wouldn't help anything, so while that is good, I wondered why the urge was so strong. Heightened sensation? Need to dull/control the feelings probably. I wonder if the adrenaline is the trigger because an argument (or the after argument feeling more precisely) will have a similar effect for me. Perhaps I just want to hide from strong feelings. Anyway, there is my navel gazing for today.

It sounds as if lots of you are doing really well battling the WW, it is day 4 for me today although apart from my 2 day mishap I have had 16 days AF. It isn't always easy and like you rural I run through the 'I've been good today so I could drink tomorrow' dialogue.

To all babes and lurkers, keep going, well done and take care. xx

SocFish Thu 03-Oct-13 12:38:49

beach sorry about your DH but good that all is fine and you didn't drink - that is amazing. Never mind the 2 day slip. That's nothing. 16 days is awesome.

mouse I'm nearly back to firing on all cylinders. Fortified with a kickboxing session and chocolate. Fuck this WW.

I'm off to bed. This week-end will be my fourth sober. It's definitely getting easier. As long as I don't try and deal with the "forever" issue.

typhoon and annie my house has never been cleaner. smile

Have a good day everyone
xx

Mouseface Thu 03-Oct-13 12:58:39

Great news Soc - sleep well lovely xx

Joey - it's only my first session so I'm going to see how we go smile xx

I too watched The Returned and there's NO WAY I could've drank and kept up with the subtitles! Excellent way of keeping sober - subtitled film, exercising, hobbies - both in and outside of the house....

Right, hydro here I come.

See you later Brave Babes, keep going! smile

<waves to all> xx

aliasjoey Thu 03-Oct-13 13:10:04

The Returned I was the complete opposite, watching that with my once-a-week glass of wine was my special treat over the summer!

But since the series finished, I don't have a special day of the week, and instead it's been creeping up to twice a week or more...

I'm self-imposing a limit of Fridays & Sundays; on Saturday we are going to the in-laws and I am almost looking forward to not drinking! I haven't had a drink with in-laws since Christmas and yeah sometimes they are boring and annoying but actually it's NOT as bad as I feared. I haven't regretted that decision once.

Ladame Thu 03-Oct-13 13:15:15

Indie F**king awesome!! If I'd had three glasses and found myself in a hotel room on my own with a bottle, I don't know if I could have done what you did. I hope that your day is going better than you thought, it didn't start with a hangover because you were stronger than the WW Love it, love it!!!

Mouseface Thu 03-Oct-13 18:45:21

I huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt. sad

My hydrotherapy killed me today, Nemo has a temp and I have an AGM at school, I have to show my face what with the Parent Governor application and all smile

Better spruce up, be back later after I've put the boy to bed.

I hope you're all okay? xxx

<floats off in a cloud of opiates and other prescription only medication now she doesn't have to drive>

<realises how lucky she is to live across the road from the school> grin

Fairenuff Thu 03-Oct-13 18:53:06

Ah, poor wee Mousie, don't push yourself to hard, lovely (as if you've got a choice). Promise me you'll book a lazy day for yourself sometime soon? Feet up, movie, snuggles and catch up girlie times with dd?

Hey babes, shall we schedule a facepack Friday for tomorrow? What time is good for most people? We'll all meet up here looking like right 'nanas, what d'you say?

Cutitup Thu 03-Oct-13 19:39:09

HI Mouse and everyone. I am doing well. Walked 10 miles over the last two days and feel physically really good for having done that.

I am still having drinks in the evening but am starting later, having smaller measures and going to bed at 10pm. I haven't had a hangover since Tuesday (yeah!). Small steps. I have a big weekend with kids stuff so my usual Friday night will be curtailed by necessity. All in all, I feel pretty good. THANKS BABES!

thurso13 Thu 03-Oct-13 19:44:37

Hey, Faire, facepack night sounds like a good idea, although, I'm so tired I already look like I've got one on grin.

New job, so, so, "on", I imagine I'll get used to it!

Dh has been out most evenings this week, so at least I don't have to get in at 6, and do dinner! Although all the internalising doesn't do me much good!

Love to all, sorry for not name checking, I just needed to be here.
T xxxxx

thurso13 Thu 03-Oct-13 20:09:11

Mouse good luck for tonight, they couldn't have anyone better.

I hope the pain has lessened, and Nemo's temperature goes down.

But, only do what you can. If you are worried about Nemo don't go to the school meeting, they will understand.

Look after yourself, because, then, you can look after your family.

T xxx

dementedma Thu 03-Oct-13 20:12:47

mouse well done on still low carbing. I have failed miserably and am putting the weight back on, needless to say.
However with awards dinners coming up I have bought not one, but two, posh frocks from a seller on Gumtree and if they don't fit I will maybe be inspired to get into them.
Can't wait until they arrive.....
Nothing else to report....

Fairenuff Thu 03-Oct-13 20:14:29

Don't forget the essential pull it all in, push up the norkage, underwear ma grin

thurso13 Thu 03-Oct-13 20:17:34

Mouse Oops, I hope that didn't sound awful, I think it did!

I only wanted to say that you are such a fantastic Mum, I know how it goes to push yourself so hard, but, really you have so much on, if you need to sleep early, do it!
I wish someone had told me that 20 years ago!
T xxx

Fairenuff Thu 03-Oct-13 20:23:03

Hey, Thurso good to hear from you. Do you cook every day, what about dh, does he take his turn?

thurso13 Thu 03-Oct-13 20:44:58

Hello Faire, yes Dh does do the cooking at the weekends, and I appreciate that is a good deal!

Actually (for anyone that remembers), my college course has come to a complete no go! Two years work, with a practioner who has been disbarred! Who knew!

Conversations in the corridors, and emails to solicitors, are not what I need! Feeling sad, but... cup of tea on hand, and, all of you.
T xxxxxx

Fairenuff Thu 03-Oct-13 20:47:26

Oh no, Thurso that is terrible, after all your hard work sad

But, yes, you do have us so come and chat with us more often if you can smile

thurso13 Thu 03-Oct-13 21:01:53

Thanks Faire,

I'm going to bed now, it has all been such a shock today.
Too much talk,and the end result is rubbish!
Feeling stupid and horrible, and don't want to do the conference room tomorrow about it!
Oh well...
Txxxx

dementedma Thu 03-Oct-13 22:06:02

Shit thurso has the whole thing been discredited now? I remember you going through all of this. Can you get some credits for what you did?

Isindesidecar Thu 03-Oct-13 22:24:06

thurso poor you! That sound vile and such a blow. So sorry you have to deal with that lovely.
Great post faire you wise old bird you"!
* mouse* hope this evening went ok and you can. Get some rest this weekend. Your post made me feel loved and seenand supported what a joy you and all my friends on here are!

Well the bottle of wine is still in my bag ( too mrean to leave it) am on camp bed in attic at DPs rellies after 2 small glasses of wine.you migyt be right lovely. * mouse* in that some things feel like they are shifting....not sure what hmm
Any road up i am pooped so apols for not nsme checkinng and typos but much love to all xx

PotteringOtter Fri 04-Oct-13 01:13:22

Hello all,

thurso I'm so sorry about your course. I knew a woman at uni who's whole course was dis-accredited. Is there any way you can still get your qualification?

I had an awful day at work, so have had a few glasses of wine (despite promising myself I wouldn't). But I have found myself an AA meeting tomorrow night, which I'll definitely be at.

I'm terrified about a lot of things but I'm hoping that if I get my drinking under control that some of these will be easier to cope with.

Isindesidecar Fri 04-Oct-13 07:59:31

Hello otter love the name!
I think the "alcohol fosters inertia" quote is just so right for me. Even a couple of light drinking ( must have had one pub glass last night as grannie's glasses are those tiny ones) nights leaves me feeling just more awake and 'can be arsed' kinda thing.

So hope today is not too dreadful thurso what a bloody awful situation. Keep your chin up my friend. Sending love darn sarf.

Ladame Fri 04-Oct-13 08:18:42

Good morning all babes

Thurso I'm so sorry and so angry on your behalf xx It sounds so unfair! angry

Still waiting to hear about my job ...

Am only going to manage three days off this week. Still, better than last week, but must do better next week.

Am very sad today. My little dog, who I love to bits, had to go to the Vet with yet another ear infection (he has very curly wiry hair and lots in his ears and they get infected, because he jumps into the little lake at the bottom of the fields) apparently, this last infection has destroyed his ear drums sad He had to have an anaesthetic and his ears scraped out (ouch) and is a very poorly little dog at the moment.

Stormy here today with a chance of hail shock

cutitup Glad to hear you're feeling more positive!

Have a good day everyone, look after yourselves xxx

SocFish Fri 04-Oct-13 09:07:24

Ladame sorry to hear about your dog.

It's Friday evening here. I'm not even tempted. So very different to the first AF Friday.

Have a good day everyone
xx

aliasjoey Fri 04-Oct-13 09:47:26

ladame oh poor pauvre chien sad Does that mean he will be deaf in that ear now?

I bought some wine last night but didn't drink it - am saving it for tonight. It's good that I can have it in the house and not open it.

But not so good that I had to buy it yesterday in case I didn't have time today, and didn't want to be left high and dry.

Ladame Fri 04-Oct-13 10:04:32

Thanks Socfish btw you are sounding really positive, go you !!!!

Thanks Joey Both ears are affected sad sad The Vet said he didn't know if the eardrums would grow back. He seems to be able to hear me though. He is one of those dogs that puts his head on one side and then the other when you talk to him.

I know what you mean about ensuring you've got a bottle, even if you don't drink it that evening, it's like having insurance blush

babyjane1 Fri 04-Oct-13 15:14:00

Hi babes, just a quick check in, I have been reading but not a lot to contribute. For those that don't know me, my 3 year old dd was a surprise late baby (I'm 42). I suffered crippling post natal depression and found solace in my despair came in the form of wine, lots of it for a long time. I have fought my way back to normality and gave up drinking which is all great but my reality is my dh and I are strangers, he does very little with me or his dd, I think the whole experience for both of us was so different than we expected and I think he has estranged himself from us. He is a good man but very selfish and stubborn and lately I have realised he is a chauvinist (he denies this emphatically) I am very sad and fear we may have come to the end of the line after 11 years together, he is not really a "family man" and I spend so much time on my own with the girls that it makes me resentful and moody. My first instinct is to run to the shop for wine but I won't, I've fought to hard to get back to my world but sobriety brings hurt and fear and real feelings of loss and disappointment , finding it all hard to process. Sorry me me me, hi to all you brave babes xxxx

Just read your post Baby. You are such a warm hearted poster and I am really sorry everything feels bleak for you right now. Perhaps you and your husband will reconnect with each other a little way down the line. Sometimes hard times like these do pass, or maybe you are not sure you really want to and this will be a new crossroads for you. Either way I just wanted to send you my warmest wishes xx

whydidthishappen Fri 04-Oct-13 17:31:30

Sounds very painful babyjane but congrats on the hard fight for sobriety.

I can really identify with being left on your own with the children. It festers and it isolates you as a person. Are you and your DH looking at couples counseling?

ruralreynard Fri 04-Oct-13 19:08:50

baby I can so relate to your post. I've only been 8 days sober and my reality without the escape of wine is hard to face. My reality is my control freak NSDH and the feeling I am trapped in a marriage where I am his cook, cleaner, bum wiper and whipping boy. DS loves him and feel at least for now I have to live with it.
Really hope you and your DH can talk this through and work something out.
Ladame hope your poor doggy is feeling better soon sad.

Be back later babes, control freak wants a cup of tea I think.
Suppose thats what " MA MA MAaa TEA " being shouted all round the house at 1000 decibels means.
Bye for now,

dementedma Fri 04-Oct-13 19:34:06

One day, rural one day. Hold onto that thought.

Fairenuff Fri 04-Oct-13 20:25:28

Ok. I'm the only one sat here with a facepack on aren't I?

Imdoingthis Fri 04-Oct-13 20:58:05

Think that's what iv realised after my 9 days sober that I drink to hide the reality of my life now and past 16 abusive ex it's like my life's been head in the clouds my all adult life hasn't been real, it's almost a shock the realisation my 9 days were very tough
I don't know we're that leaves me

Imdoingthis Fri 04-Oct-13 20:59:15

* 16 years with ex

dementedma Fri 04-Oct-13 21:08:07

faire ummm, yup. But maybe you need it more than the rest of us grin

aliasjoey Fri 04-Oct-13 22:32:15

babyj well done on sticking with sobriety - it must be tough at the moment. I think that's one of the hardest things about not drinking - having to deal with real emotions which were previously buried.

aliasjoey Fri 04-Oct-13 22:35:52

faire my backpack brings me out in spots confused

ruralreynard Fri 04-Oct-13 22:49:53

Faire really sorry. Wish this was video posting and could see you wit your facepack on grin. Sort of reminds me when --juvenile twits--friends invited me to a fancy dress party and I turned up in a french maid outfit and everyone else was in their monkey suit or ballgown LOL.
Ma definitely one day for both of us. One happy happy day smile

ruralreynard Fri 04-Oct-13 22:51:12

sorry for the typos, knackered keyboard and tired

Isindesidecar Sat 05-Oct-13 00:14:51

O , so finally drank the bottle of wine i bought wed night. Tired now and not sure it was worth it. Just sets up craving for a fag (havent got any amd not prepared to send dp into meltdown as i do every time I do smoke) and off to bed feeling like part of me wants to drink (and smoke) more but bigger part of me wishes she had just left the bloody thing in a hotel room for some probably-skint-minimum-wage-not-addicted-to-alcohol person who could have enjoyed it properly...

Night babes xx

PotteringOtter Sat 05-Oct-13 02:07:48

Hi, I wasn't able to go to the meeting tonight. I got stuck in a meeting at work that I couldn't leave until it was far far far too late. But I know what I want now. To stop drinking. That's not the easiest decision to come to on a night/Saturday morning but I know where I am. And that's something at least.

Thank you isindesidecar I love your name too!

whydidthishappen Sat 05-Oct-13 02:33:41

Completed my psychological evaluation for SS's. A 4 hour process with a psychiatrist and a psychologist, word association, abstract reasoning and a 2 hour interview. SS seemed disappointed when the report said they recommended no follow up treatment, found me of sound mind and above average IQ.

SS asked would I go to another one. I said, 'no, thanks. You wont be shipping me off until you get the answer you want'. Then SS had the cheek to ask me if I didn't think I was depressed. I told them they cannot break my legs and ask if I can walk alright by myself.

Still peeing in cups in front of other women, still sober and sadly, still without my son.

dementedma Sat 05-Oct-13 08:27:12

why you are doing brilliantly. The little words "still sober" are resonating from the rooftops. You WILL get your little boy back soon. Keep at it and just jump through whatever hoops the ss ask you to

Isindesidecar Sat 05-Oct-13 08:58:35

But also have the courage to stand up for yourself as you are doing Why Do you have some legal or RL support on your side?

You are doping brilliantly and I know you will get your boy back soon "still sober" is a good place for you!!
Sending love and strength xx

dementedma Sat 05-Oct-13 09:19:28

grin at indie and "doping"
How are you doing? Have u patched things up with dp?

Anneisnotmyname Sat 05-Oct-13 10:29:55

Confession time, have been drinking the past two nights. A friend bought me a bottle of wine and I opened it thursday and have been drinking it since. It maybe doesn't sound much - one bottle over two nights and still a glass left - but I've had a constant headache since starting it. I love white wine, it does not love me hmm

Fairenuff Sat 05-Oct-13 11:01:39

< appears with glowing skin and swishy hair > grin

Annie think of it as an experiment. You tried it, you don't like the results. Throw the rest of the away.

Fairenuff Sat 05-Oct-13 11:01:57

*wine

babyjane1 Sat 05-Oct-13 11:51:47

faire you do make me laugh, am I the only one with a facepack on had me giggling in spite of my predicament. Your posts are fab xxx

Hi All
I managed to avoid the WW last night by taking my boys to a martial arts class and joining in. It was good fun actually and today I can feel it all over! Also bought a big pot of multiple vitamins and minerals, it seems I have got more energy and more headspace to start looking after myself. Today is a beautiful Fall day here in Canada, so it is off for a long stomp with the dog. smile

Good luck to everyone for today xx

Also alias does your backpack really brings you out in spots!! grin

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 13:24:11

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

I have been up most of the night as predicted with a poorly Nemo sad

Why - I loved that you kicked the arse of that SS woman! How counter productive was she? hmm Talk about trying to make you doubt yourself!

STILL SOBER - hmm, now lovely Why, that HAS to be better, 100 times better, than crawling onto the Bus and whispering that you're still pissed and drinking heavily, doesn't it?

I do wonder sometimes why SS are so damn negative with the things that they say, perhaps she was hoping to trip you up or testing your resolve and wanted to hear the force and the fight in your reply! smile

Good for you Why - hold on, please! Keep going and hold on tight because you are doing all that is asked of you, and for now, that's all you can do sweetheart.

Jump through the hoops, walk the line, do the urine tests and eventually, YOU WILL GET YOUR BOY BACK and when you do, you'll look back and not regret one single thing that you had to do to have him in your arms again. I'm so proud of you, I hope that doesn't sound trite xxx

Dame - how is your woof today? I hope he's better than yesterday sad Sending you and him huge huggles, I'm hoping that he's not in pain. xxx

Well, DD went to her friends' Birthday sleepover (mixed) with her lovely BF, she's come home looking remarkably well for someone who has had less sleep than me! grin

I trust her and know that she has a level head on her shoulders, plus the parents were there all night so a close eye and set of ears were kept on the small group. She seems very happy when she's with him, it's lovely to see. He brings her shine out smile

Nothing untoward happened, she is very honest and we have a good relationship, I trust her plus I can tell when she's bending the truth! grin I'm sure that is something all mothers have? Or at least I hope they do as I feel it's a very precious thing, to know what DD feels and how she thinks.

IsinDe - how are things with DP? Well done on not going out for more wine or any smokes last night, you know that would have only poured more fuel on the fire that is slowly burning between you right now, and not in a good way..... there is something in you that is changing, I can't put my finger on it, it's rather profound and will have a huge impact on your life when it happens but it's coming.....

Annie - I have the same trouble with white wine... I used to be able to drink it by the bucket load, now, one or two small glasses is my absolute limit and even then, I wake with reflux and a headache the next day so don't bother unless I'm going out and even then I'll have a spritzer over a neat drink these days, maybe if you do finish the bottle, try a spritzer for future reference?

Not that I want you to drink but there will be times when you drink and maybe that could be an option if you really want the alcohol? smile

Beaches - GOOD FOR YOU!! Isn't it nice waking up sober? On a Saturday? It's great to read posts like yours smile xxx

Potter - And, we'll be here for you, every step of the way. The good days, the bad days and the ugly days..... use the support here, don't worry about posting how YOU feel all the time, let it out every time that you feel an urge to drink, post, feeling guilty for drinking? Post. Feeling shitty? Post. We can ALL relate to one or more Babe on this Bus, I can relate to many. I'm so pleased that you feel ready to give it a real go! smile xxx

Faire - lovely skin and hair! You look fab! grin

<waves to all other babes> smile

<goes off to find pain meds> sad

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 13:25:03

Beaches - I did think that too, about Joey's backpack!!! grin

Ladame Sat 05-Oct-13 15:25:38

Faire Your glowing skin and swishy hair are so radiant that I've had to put my sunglasses on, all the way over here grin

Why What a horrible ordeal that was, what a strong lady YOU are.

Baby Hope things are a bit better.

Mouse Thanks, he's still in a bit of pain, but we're just going to go and knit a bit more of his blanket, he can sit on my knee and I can rub his silly old head, I can't help thinking there was something I should have been able to do to prevent this sad Love to you and Nemo xx

All babes, sorry not to NC everyone, have a good Saturday and if that WW comes a callin' kick her in the tits, or just don't engage with her for too long. x

whydidthishappen Sat 05-Oct-13 21:13:53

Thanks again for all the support ladies. I'm inching along in getting my baby back. No matter how fast I move, the courts are slower (and I understand why it has to be that way).

I heard something in AA last night which was important for me to hear, and I thought I'd share it with you all. A person said, "I never wake up in the morning and regret NOT drinking last night". And I think that's very true for me. The endless cycle of shame and guilt that I felt has stopped. Now, I still have terrible residual guilt, but I'm not adding to it. For example, I feel terrible saying goodbye to my son. I worry that he thinks I'm leaving him or abandoning him, rather than being sent away. But I can't put my mind there. I just have to focus on doing the right things and praying that this will all be over soon.

25 days sober and I'm getting stronger everyday.

Enjoy your Sundays all.

dementedma Sat 05-Oct-13 21:36:44

25 days a sober??
I can't do a fucking day! You rock!

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 21:38:09

Why - you have made me cry, actually cry. 25 days sober is 25 days closer to your son sweetheart. I love your fire, spirit and fight. You have broken "The Endless Cycle".

But you are NOT broken. Your fight is rising within you in the real world, a world no longer blurred by the numbness that alcohol brings to that. You are strong, you are tight, together, harder than you were, you are no longer penetrable now by alcohol, pain will remain for now, but we can fix you, together, as one, as a whole, with outside help, you will mend - but alcohol will no longer dominate your life, it will never, ever again take a part of YOU away. Hold onto that. Please.

You have travelled a million miles in those 25 days. Emotionally, physically, inside and out. I admire you so much Why, so much.

Keep. Going. xxx

guggenheim Sat 05-Oct-13 21:56:45

just checking in. I'm on my way to bed. I'm not posting much because I'm mega busy but fine. Sending love to you all and best wishes for a sober weekend.

why 25 days is awesome. You sound strong and ready to take on the world. I can read how tough life is but you are turning it all around and taking this disease as seriously as possible- well done.You are nearly at 1 whole month and I bet that everything is becoming clearer.

Well done x

And a x for the rest of you too. night all.

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 21:58:17

Ma - sweetheart, you too have made me cry at your sheer humbleness....

One Day. One Day...........

You'll wake, clear, refreshed, alert, alive, wide eyed, open, fresh, pulling yourself out of a bed that was rested in, slept in, breathing deeply in as the day you'd lived before is let go.

You can be sober, you just have to want to be Ma and I feel like I've known you long enough now, felt your pain for long enough, walked beside you, with you, held your hand and your heart for long enough to say to you that actually, you're not ready but one day you absobluminlutely will be beyond all doubt.

You have it in there to change but what surrounds you is holding you down. Pinning you to the bottle if not each night, every other night.

The posts that you have posted when you've been sober for a length of time (a day/couple of days or more) are mind blowing because in those posts, you believe in YOU!!

Oh Ma - you too ROCK! You really do. I thing you are fab. 100% pure fab xxx

dementedma Sat 05-Oct-13 22:00:20

Hey mouse how are you sweet pea?
Not going to ask about fishboy or dd or hunky dh.....how are YOU?
Meeting my bro tomorrow. He starts a one week training course this week and, if he passes, will be allowed to act as a counsellor for the Sally Army. I am so proud of him I could burst. The course is residential and in a hotel which he can't handle, so has got permission to travel back to the safety of the SA each night. He spends his weekends between working in a community garden for people with addiction issues, and working as a volunteer in a charity shop. He has got his shit together. Alcohol CAN be beaten. Just wish I knew how......but he is building a life out of the rubble of his last one.

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 22:00:21

GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! - did I miss you? sad

Massive squidges to you lovely, great to see you back, busy or not, I've missed you smile You are on my list of posters that I was wondering about smile

Sleep well lovely Guggs xxx

dementedma Sat 05-Oct-13 22:02:38

Cross post. Shit mouse now I'm crying.
<wipes nose on Barrie>

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 22:42:05

Ma - I'm not great but I'm getting through a day at a time, my pain is my negative pocus just now in my life, I can't take the drugs prescribed when I have to drive because it impairs my judgements.

Other than that? I am great, the pain becomes a 'thing' that walks beside me and kicks me now and then, but I have so much to love and so much to live for, I carry on smile

And don't dry Ma - I luffs you, you tough ol bird you! You are meant to be on this Bus and here with us all, sharing your life and you're troubles etc.... let us carry some of the weight (Not Bootcamp weight! grin) for you? Hey?

You are worthy of so much more xxx

Mouseface Sat 05-Oct-13 22:49:49

Right, I'm off to bed, and hoping for a night of peace and rest for my poorly boy.

Lots of love, support, fight and force is being sent your way to anyone who's struggling! You can beat the WW and you can leave the rest of the bottle for another night, another 'treat'?

Why nail it all and feel like shite tomorrow?

Take good care all xxx

ruralreynard Sat 05-Oct-13 23:54:36

Day 10 done.
Thanks to so many of you on this bus.
Busy day, off to bed so will read back tomorrow.
Goodnight babes xx

SocFish Sun 06-Oct-13 01:31:43

Morning All

I drank last night. Rather than feeling pissed off with myself I'm actually feeling good because it has reinforced exactly why I don't want to drink anymore.

I do not have a 'stop' button, so I drink until I'm absolutely hammered or there is no alcohol left.

It was really not that great. I would have had just as good (if not better) time with non alcoholic drinks.

I feel like shit this morning and have missed a gym class and can see myself doing fuck all today other than just 'getting through the day'.

There was nothing good about drinking last night.

Back on the bus. Do not drink Babes. It's a big sham.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

whydidthishappen Sun 06-Oct-13 02:49:59

I'm glad you are not feeling bad about it Soc and that you are using it as a reminder as to why you don't want to drink anymore.

Get right back on the bus. I forgot who hands out the Opal Fruits, but here cake have some of this.

SocFish Sun 06-Oct-13 04:48:01

Thanks why. Hope you're doing ok. I'm very inspired by you.

Mid afternoon here and I still feel like shit. To think I used to spend every day like this.

whydidthishappen Sun 06-Oct-13 05:37:15

Inspired by me? Ha! If you could see the mess I've made out of my adult life, you might think otherwise.

Don't feel like shit. Would you consider maybe trying to go to an AA meeting tonight? Don't let last night be a downer for you, and don't let yourself wallow.

Back on that horse, lady.

Isindesidecar Sun 06-Oct-13 09:24:45

Oh, blimey, we have a horse now?
What's she called then?
grin

Morning all. xx

SocFish Sun 06-Oct-13 09:34:57

Geraldine.

dementedma Sun 06-Oct-13 09:36:31

The opal fruits are mine, all mine, I tell you!

SocFish Sun 06-Oct-13 09:39:22

Dear god. Do not mention opal fruits. I NEED them!!

Ladame Sun 06-Oct-13 10:02:51

Didn't we have a horse before?