Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

irresponsible DP, or am I overreacting

(53 Posts)
Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 09:02:01

Want some impartial advice please. DP took DS 13 fishing on Sunday to the coast, no problem there happy they were having some time together, DP said they would be back around 8 - 9, which again fine, reminded DP that not too late as it is a school night. So tried to call him early evening to see how they were getting on but phone not picking up, eventually managed to get DS who said there was a big problem as they were cut off by the tide and would have to wait it out. I was furious and worried, DP is very familiar with the tides there so no excuse. Anyway roll on 12.45 they rock up. He thinks I am being unreasonable and kill joy, apparently I ruined the whole day because he "knew I would be cross" So am I overreacting? Other than saying that when he got back how irresponsible I thought he was on Sunday this has not been mentioned until last night. We had a huge row, he slept on the sofa last night and left this morning without saying good anything.

fleacircus Thu 26-Sep-13 09:04:49

He knew he was wrong, he's feeling guilty and blaming you for that. But I'm not sure it achieves anything to be having this row about a situation that is extremely unlikely to occur again.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 26-Sep-13 09:05:27

Difficult to say. I don't know how much danger they were in by being cut off by the tide. It was irresponsible yes. I don't like the fact that you have been blamed for 'spoiling the whole day, because you would be cross'. About his irresponsibility! So his actions become your fault! Is this a pattern, Blossom?

Greavesey Thu 26-Sep-13 09:06:55

I think you might be overreacting. Yes, 12.45 is late for a school night, but getting cut off by the tide is a good enough reason. Your DP has obviously made an error and his mood this morning is a reflection of your overreaction.

Unless of course this type of thing happens all the time in which case you are not overreacting and he is being irresponsible.

No you are not overreacting at all. This could well have become a very dangerous situation for the two of them; lifeboat crews have previously been called out to rescue people trapped by tides.

I also do not like your man's assertion either that you ruined the whole day because he knew you would be cross. You were not and do not remain responsible for his actions.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 26-Sep-13 09:10:09

Getting cut off by the tide is not a good enough reason. Tide times are the first thing he should have checked before he left. They should have been drummed into his head, written down and taken with him. I live in an area where getting cut off by the tide can prove fatal, its not something that should be treated as a minor detail angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 09:11:52

So your DS is cut off by the tide somewhere until past midnight. Your DP thought he'd just keep quiet about it, hope you didn't find out and then accuse you of being a killjoy? (I'm sure it was huge fun being trapped.. hmm) If he had an ounce of commonsense & respect he would have been a lot more honest about the situation, told you not to worry and been full of apologies when he got home.

Also would like to know if this is a patter or a one-off

anon2013 Thu 26-Sep-13 09:14:04

He should've rung you to apologise that they've been caught out by the tide and will be back later on. It would've stopped you worrying for a start!.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 09:24:14

They were trapped on a jetty so I was not worried about drowning, more worried DS would be a bit anxious ( he does get stressed) , hungry and thirsty.. I am annoyed that he sees nothing wrong and blaming me, "it is only school after all " he said if it was up to him he would have stayed the whole night. What an ass. And yes he often blames me for his mistakes. Said he did not call as phone was in the car.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 09:32:28

He's a knob then. If he has to blame you for his mistakes he's also a bully.

mummytime Thu 26-Sep-13 09:33:25

I think he is a total idiot. Even on a Jetty a storm could blow up, and people have been swept away.

His blaming of you, even before you had said anything, is totally wrong. Your DP sounds like more of a child than your DS.

Also what the heck was the phone doing in the car what would they have done if something serious had happened?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 09:41:05

Thank you. It was double stupid as he has been to place before. He just does seem to think he ahead, which is annoying. Exactly about the phone and yes weather could have turned nasty, it would have been extremely unpleasant or an accident/illness That aside I more annoyed about the horrible things he said last night and now blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Me I think sad

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 09:44:43

Yes cog knob of the highest order, could not have put it better myself smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 09:56:53

Don't tolerate being blamed. That's a classic bullying technique and you have to stamp on it very firmly. If everything wrong in his life is caused by you then tell him to go find a new life where you're not such a bad influence. Seriously.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 10:04:39

I am the bully apparently. I never "let" him do what he wants. You see I was quiet happy for them to go off on Sunday actually enjoyed some me time. But in his mind I am angry for them going, nothing to do with the fact that he was irresponsible. If DS did not have a phone I would have sat in the house going out of my mind with worry, thinking the worst. But then I am control freak! apparently

stowsettler Thu 26-Sep-13 10:06:04

Absolutely agree with Cogito.

My DP has a tendency to absolve himself of all blame (e.g.: if he smashed a glass left on the kitchen worktop, his stock response would be "Oh well, if you're going to leave that there, what do you expect?"!!!!). I'm not one to take such shit though and tell him exactly why the glass was smashed - because he was a clumsy twat. Or I just laugh at him. He hates both responses, mainly because he knows how unreasonable he's being.

If your DP is like this I'd advise getting a bit indignant on him. However if he exhibits more bullying traits it may not be such a good idea to wind him up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 10:09:21

"I never "let" him do what he wants"

So he wanted to get trapped by the tide on a jetty in the cold and dark... interesting hobby hmm Seriously, that is the kind of immature non-argument you'd expect from someone your DS's age, not a grown man. If you're so bullying, restrictive, spoiling his fun etc, why is he still there?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 10:10:20

Stow are you married to my DP? Yes yes yes that is exactly what he does. Trouble after years you start to really doubt yourself. I thought I was a strong woman but I cannot be putting up with his crap.

Lweji Thu 26-Sep-13 10:12:35

I more annoyed about the horrible things he said last night and now blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Me I think

I would be too. However, it's not you who's wrong in his life. He seems to be wrong in your life.

I'd call him up on that and tell him what he should do if he finds you that horrible.

Your DS is your DS and you should tell him that you won't put up with such reckless behaviour ever again.

And utterly shock at this:
However if he exhibits more bullying traits it may not be such a good idea to wind him up.

If he exhibits more bullying traits, you should LTB, obviously. angry

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 11:01:58

Trouble is lweji even if we split I could not stop this sort of thing happening again as he would still see DS. I am not scared if him btw. His bullying traits if indeed that is what they are, are all emotional/verbal.

Lweji Thu 26-Sep-13 11:07:29

Yes, but what would you do if a NRP took a child away and returned him past midnight on a Sunday, after being stranded by the tide?

I'd be cutting unsupervised contact, TBH.

I'm not saying LTB now.
But I think it needs to be clearly on the table as a consequence if his behaviour continues to be like this.
I don't think he'll take notice otherwise.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 11:18:32

I would have called the police if I am honest [lweji]

My problem now is not so much the incident but his attitude, He fails to understand why I was upset, and can see he has done nothing wrong. ffs I did not even bring up to subject, after my rant on Sunday I have not mentioned it again. The fact he stomped off to work and slept on the sofa after giving me a verbal bashing, wtf!

Lweji Thu 26-Sep-13 11:19:39


A normal person would have been apologetic.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 11:24:21

Well that is the weird bit, when he came back he was apologetic but this latest rant clearly means it was not heartfelt.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 26-Sep-13 11:26:38

blossom he is awful sad What he did was stupid & irresponsible, what he's normally like though, would determine if I was just upset or angry about it. However, his attitude towards it and you are horrible... it really isn't something you should put up with. I'd LTB (well, I'd tell him to leave) tbh. It wont stop him doing stupid things, but it will stop you having to live with his nasty attitiude and surely that's enough?!

stowsettler Thu 26-Sep-13 11:53:29

Blossom you're right. DP and I have only been together 4.5 years and I'm not a young whippersnapper - so I'm still in full possession of my sense of perspective. However I can understand how you would start to doubt yourself.

I should say that this is pretty much the only thing my DP does that is unreasonable, and as such I'm quite prepared to accept it as a failing of his and just pull him up on it. In your case it sounds like it's gone a bit further. So remember - you are a strong woman. Don't put up with his crap any more. He'll be surprised I expect at first, but be consistent and show him you won't take it any more.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 12:01:05

tbh, I am very confused and unsure what to do. We have been together a loooong time. He has issues but recently has been making an effort to be a better partner but then gets pissed up and it all goes to shit. Even that was my fault even though he bought the wine, opened it poured and threw it down is neck, But I got " see I told you I did not want to drink" He is a fucking idiot! He goes from one extreme to another. Only last week he went out of his way to go to an auction and but a rare piece of pottery he know I would love. Keeps telling me he loves me. Oh dear

stowsettler Thu 26-Sep-13 12:06:51

Jeez he sounds like what my DP would be like if I let him. And there's the rub - I don't let him.

I know it must be really hard but in those situations you really need to chuck it right back at him: "Oh yes, it's entirely my fault you got pissed last night, how stupid of me to let you drink", or "Oh I'm sorry, when did you lose the ability to think for yourself?" etc etc. Sarcastic comments really tend to hit home with my DP because they let him see how daft I think he's being.

FWIW I don't think he sounds that awful - just someone who's used to getting it all his own way for far too long. But you're starting to sound like you may have had enough yourself. Is it something you want to change, or do you just want to be done with it all? Was the recent incident the straw that broke the camel's back?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 12:19:26

I don't let him get away with it stow like you I will say those sort of things, I am not a doormat. smile However when he starts these drunken rants I just walk away as I just can't re bothered with him, he is totally unreasonable and will say the most vile things But in my mind I can not just put it down to drink as this must be what he thinks but would not have the courage to say it when sober. I dunno.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 26-Sep-13 14:50:07

"when he came back he was apologetic but this latest rant clearly means it was not heartfelt."

It sounds to me as thought you were still pretty pissed off about it though?

Even if you weren't planning say anything, being obviously pissed off about something that happened at the weekend, when no harm was done and apologies had been made, would be pretty irksome to me.

I'm not saying you were still being quietly aggro about it, but if you were, I think it's a bit disingenuous to pretend to the whole thing had been put behind you.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 16:59:29

Yes I was very cross and judging on other people posting most people think I had every right to be and I was not over reacting, hence the point of the post in the first place. I said my piece and have not mentioned it since. He is the one who has raked it up and now this is all about me!

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:00:57

And join I am more pissed off about him blaming me for his ridiculous mistakes.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 26-Sep-13 17:01:52

I don't think you had a "right" to be still cross and sulking about this days later.

It was a stupid thing to do, but there was no danger to your son, no harm was done, he said sorry.

If I had done something similar and DH was still obviously stropping about it days later, I would think he was being a complete prick.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 26-Sep-13 17:02:50

Maybe he just got really pissed off with you carrying on bad feeling about something that was over and done with and he had said sorry for?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:04:36

join I am sorry but I think have got the complete end of the stick, Have you actually read this thread?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:05:00

wrong end of the stick.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 26-Sep-13 17:14:48

Yes, I have read the thread.

And I asked you whether you were still pissed off about this incident days later, and you said you were.

Is that not the case?

Did he suddenly get all pissed off even though you had forgotten all about it and put it behind you?

Because it's a bit much to be outraged at him raising it again if you were still sulking about it.

As I say, that's only an IF. But I thought you had confirmed that.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:21:32

Sorry when did I say I was pissed off days later?

MariaLuna Thu 26-Sep-13 17:27:19

He has issues but recently has been making an effort to be a better partner but then gets pissed up and it all goes to shit. *Even that was my fault*

His issues and fuck ups are not your fault.

He's got you so conditioned you can't even see it any more.

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:35:52

maria exactly, I was tongue in cheek about being my fault. He can never take responsibility for any thing. I think he would have had an argument with himself last night, something he obviously bugging him. This is a pattern.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 26-Sep-13 17:53:35

Is your DP usually this highly irresponsible or was this a one off thing? It's also quite scary that he 'forgot' his phone in what can potentially be a very dangerous environment.
Is your DS his father?
Not being able to trust a partner in these sorts of circumstances is very difficult because what do you do the next time they want to go!?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 17:57:27

keep yes he is DS father. Yes he is irresponsible, He always forgets his phone. sad. I have heard nothing from him today, normally he would call me a couple of times. Guess he is sulking.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 26-Sep-13 17:58:40

Sorry! Is your DS his son?

Blossomflowers Thu 26-Sep-13 18:00:21

Yes this is dad

Xenadog Thu 26-Sep-13 19:50:44

He is a knob. You can choose to put up with this or not. I would have been angry, worried and really pissed off that he blamed me for his stupid actions. I wouldn't say he is necessarily a bully but he is immature and not taking responsibility for his actions.

I would be more concerned about the example he sets your DC as he is hardly a great role model is he?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 26-Sep-13 20:06:59

You never let him do what he wants.
You spoilt the day because he knew you'd be cross.
It's YOUR fault <everything that is>
It's YOUR fault <he got drunk>

... he sounds 12.

Frankly, I prefer to be in a relationship with another adult, not a child.

He says nasty things when drunk. I think it's rare to say something drunk that you don't actually think/mean/believe it's just that alcohol removes the filter that you normally use.

He's 'trying' now hmm - that lasted all of 5 minutes didn't it. It doesn't take much to go and buy something, it takes a lot more love, care, concern - whatever you want to call it - to treat someone well & not abuse them - drink or no drink, that's what he does sad

Being with someone a loooooooong time doesn't mean it's a good idea to stay with them, there aren't any medals for endurance and honestly, it doesn't sound like a good environment for your son either...

Blossomflowers Fri 27-Sep-13 10:10:29

I did have to laugh last. Over dinner DS said "hey dad lets go fishing at the weekend, and get stranded on the cob" DP looked very embarrassed.

You need to record him next times he goes into a rant.
Play it back to him next day when he's sober!
I don't think right now this is a LTB but you need to keep pulling him up on all the things he says.
Write down what he says and when - everytime - like a diary/record and then when you have a few written down, time for a long talk!!!

Blossomflowers Fri 27-Sep-13 10:52:43

hells sound advise. There have been several occasions when I believe he truely has not remembered so of the vile things he says. These days I recognise when he going into one of moods and just go to bed a leave him to it. I am not scared of him btw, he would never physically hurt me. On a positive note though his drinking far more in control, I know it i hard for him.

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 11:00:04

Tbf if he walked in to a shit storm of you telling him how crap he was, then yeah I could see why he would still be in a mood about it a few days later.
I personally think you overreacted, these things happen, they are annoying of course but, I doubt he did it on purpose and him saying that he knew you would be angry and it ruined it for him, Tends to suggest you get on his case a lot about things like this, is that fair?
I would try a more tactful approach next time (if you manage it tell me how, forever getting pissed off about things I probably shouldn'tsmile)

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 11:05:11

I missed the drunken rant bit sorry, that smacks of unreasolved issues.
If you were still visably angry about it and he was sulking about it that will create an atmosphere.
Best to get it all out in the open and move on.

Blossomflowers Fri 27-Sep-13 11:17:54

queen the drunken rant thing is separate issue really, something that he needs to stop doing. Like I said earlier in the thread, I was not sulking or angry about the fishing episode I had not mentioned it once since. He was obviously feeling guilty. I am still very disappointed that he could be so stupid but hope it will not happen again.

str8tothepoint Fri 27-Sep-13 15:37:07

He is the child's father, he is responsible enough, back off him and let him be a parent. You weren't there he was why would he intentionally put danger to his child. Get over it

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now