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Male seeking advice

(308 Posts)
Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:32:21

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:33:38

Just to add, this happened on sunday smile

Sounds like she is messing with you a bit, to me.
Maybe the wedding prompted her to think whether or not you are 'the one' ?

Maybe she's just having a crap day.

I would give her a few days and see what comes next - however I would not keep pestering her with reassurances about how much you love her etc.

Fragglewump Tue 24-Sep-13 13:36:30

Hmmmm I know that weddings can be emotional events. Maybe was hoping you would come over all romantic at the wedding and propose??

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:44:30

I had thought that the weddings (we had one the previous weekend too) might have had an effect. It's only natural to think along those lines when weddings are happening.

I don't think she was hoping for/expecting a proposal, although I do want to spend the rest of my life with her and we've spoken about it jokingly in the past.

Much as I'm missing her and I want to contact her I think it is best to leave her be for a bit. I'm just massively confused as this really came out of the blue

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 13:48:37

It could be one of two things IMHO...

1. She's fishing for compliments, looking for reassurance, 'testing' you with the 'something's missing' thing so that you'll try a bit harder to keep her ....

2. She wants to end it with you but keeps losing her nerve.

Either way you're doing the right thing leaving her be and not being in contact. Be with friends, get on with your life and, if she gets back in touch, don't be too quick to rush to her side.

agree with moaning.

sounds like hard work

fifi669 Tue 24-Sep-13 13:54:00

Don't panic! It could be nothing. Even just a bit of PMT, I get pretty down about everything around that time.

oohdaddypig Tue 24-Sep-13 13:55:00

What's her past relationship history? Lots of long-ish relationships that end for not being quite right?

I do think weddings can be very unsettling.

I would completely back off for now. I know that's hard.

Sometimes I think people can feel like their partner has to be a soul mate and can look at others' relationships with rosé tinted glasses, not realising that even the best relationships need a bit of work sometimes.

You sound lovely - I hope it works for you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Sep-13 14:03:25

I'd let her be, Marmite.
Imho,...
If she said "that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with", then listen to her...she is telling you who she is. The timing may well be triggered by the recent weddings you have attended as she wants to give you this message before you do decide to propose.

And this is just me, but I would recommend that you not "joke" about something as serious and sensitive as marriage. It could be felt as degrading to a person, regardless of their demeanor in the moment, to consider the thought of marriage to them to be a joke...no matter who brought it up. Perhaps you could offer an apology on this point and see if that is the root of this turn of dynamic?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Sep-13 14:10:18

I misinterpreted your "joking" comment, Marmite, sorry.

Let her be, and perhaps give the relationship at least another year before you do propose...if it can get past this.

Lweji Tue 24-Sep-13 14:12:13

Maybe she is difficult and she has been checking herself not to blow it, but is finding it hard work.

I think I did that to some extent in my last relationship, where I didn't want to complain about things (I'm through hoping that people change), but I did end it, apparently to his surprise.

Personally I think I'd be honest about my feelings towards her and tell her it's her decision.
Just don't take too long.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 14:15:36

to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

I completely agree with you there. I also think how you express it is a function of personality. While I want the best for DP and do lots of things for him, I'd never say his happiness is all I'm concerned with - I think he'd be a bit horrified if I did!

It's hard to say whether she's just having a wobble or not. Weddings are weird like that. From what you say otherwise she sounds reasonable and nice (you both do).

But she could be nice and nonetheless have some ridiculously over-inflated expectations about choirs of angels, lightning bolts etc which will never be met - with anyone. The "difficult person to have a relationship with" does hint at that, and I agree with what AndTheBand says there.

Give her the break she wants but watch out for signs you are being dangled, because that is not fair, and be prepared to walk away.

Phylis81 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:17:53

Just want to add on to this - don't joke about the marriage thing. If it's secretely a big deal to her she may now feel like she can't talk to you about it. This is the trap DP and I fell into. He made a joke about getting married in Vegas once and I freaked out because we hadn't been together long and we were indeed planning a trip to vegas. I was worried he was being serious so I asked him later to confirm that he had been joking - he said he was and that he probably never would get married again.

Well that is a problem because I don't want to be in a relationship where marriage is not the mutual goal. Now however, we can't talk about it, it's become a bit of a taboo subject and it's always in my head that I could waste years waiting for a proposal or simply call an end to it and find someone who shares my goals and values because it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. I'm pretty laid back and accommodating but this is a massive deal to me and I'm not compromising on it for anyone.

sorry - point is, never joke about marriage! smile

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:17:55

CogitoErgoSometimes - 1. There's compliments all the time and I tell her I love her everyday. 2. Possibly but there was no suggestion leading up to this

fifi669 - she got her period on saturday and can be quite hormonal, to the point where her friends used to chart her periods to avoid her when she was on them! Despite this I haven't found them to be much of an issue thus far although she can get a bit down

oohdaddypig - relationship history is pretty much like that, couple of long term

AndTheBandPlayedOn - It's been her doing the wedding joking and was along the lines of "can we have this at our wedding" so not demeaning

hashtagwhatever - she does maybe come across as hard work in this thread but she genuinely isn't and I think the world of her

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 14:22:36

People becoming distant, 'wanting their own space' and telling you there's something missing IS the suggestion that you're about to get dumped. She's clearly in two minds about you.

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 14:30:20

personally I would give her space. Unless you think she is the kind of person who would react strongly and positively to you making some kind of dramatic gesture of love?

I am inclined to think if she has asked for space, give it to her.

ageofgrandillusion Tue 24-Sep-13 14:31:54

Leave her be. If there is anything chance that she might come back, it will not happen by you chasing her - in fact, that will guarantee the opposite.
It could be many things. Maybe she has her eye on somebody else ... As hard as that is to take.

Dahlen Tue 24-Sep-13 14:33:23

I think Cogito's probably got it right, although I don't know which of the two options is more likely.

If it's option 1 and she genuinely wants more reassurance, has there been anything in the last year that may be responsible for her having doubts, or have you had a feeling that the relationship is running at a different pace for each of you (e.g. is she ready to move to the next level now and you're not)?

Either way, giving her space is exactly the right thing to do. If she wants reassurance she needs to be able to spell out exactly what she needs from you and when. If she wants to break it off, she needs to say so, not drop hints.

If you really care for her and are worried that she may take no contact as a sign you don't care, you could maybe send a text along the lines that you love her and hope you can work it through, but you will respect her decision for space and won't contact her again until she decides what she wants to do.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:37:49

CogitoErgoSometimes - brutal though that is I don't disagree but that doesn't tally with any of her behaviour or what she had been saying to me all weekend leading to this

ageofgrandillusion - I really don't think there is anyone else involved and that isn't be wearing rose tinted glasses

Jan45 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:43:54

Just remember 12 months will not mean that you know her completely, what you have seen is good and tbh at the stage you two are at there shouldn't be any problems or niggles, it doesn't bode well for the future.

She is, either, as has been said, playing a game because she actually loves the drama or, she is not sure about you two at all, only time will tell but do not contact her, she's told you something is missing, that is not nice to hear so let her go figure out what it is exactly!

Dahlen Tue 24-Sep-13 14:46:03

Going off needing space without warning, can be just a personality style. If she's the sort who likes to keep her own counsel until she's made a decision or can articulate what is wrong, not giving any hint that anything was wrong up until that point could be very in character and doesn't necessarily mean she's a drama queen.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:46:06

Not sure if any of you think there's any significance in this or if I'm overthinking things but she left plenty of stuff at my flat when she left, stuff I pointed out she hadn't picked up

Dahlen - about no contact, yes I am worried about that but I'm also worried that getting in touch will do more harm than good

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 14:47:28

What she's said prior to this point is rather immaterial and you have to work with what she's saying now which is... in a nutshell... I don't want to be with you.

probablyhadenough Tue 24-Sep-13 14:53:13

You may be overthinking this Marmite...I suspect she was hormonal and unsettled by the wedding, maybe needing some reassurance?

Just give her a bit of space and then when you have re-bonded, calmly let her know how you feel (both about her and the sudden way she switched off).

It isn't nice behaviour on her part but it might not be as significant as it seems....

arsenaltilidie Tue 24-Sep-13 14:56:59

she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with

LISTEN TO HER!!!!

Shes playing with your head and she's probably one of those women that loves drama and feels a bit unsettled (something missing) when everything is great.

Get rid of her ASAP before you waste your life with her.

Phylis81 Tue 24-Sep-13 14:58:43

Thinking about it I reckon it could have been caused by the wedding, especially if you have only ever joked about the subject.

Because my partner is against marriage I do tend to go more distant on him when a wedding comes up or when someone tells me they've got engaged. Simply because it saddens me that I know I won't experience it which makes me question my relationship.

Dahlen Tue 24-Sep-13 15:01:29

I'm torn on the issue of: she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with.

The "listen to people when they tell you who they are" advice on here is so often right.

OTOH, I know a lot of people who have internalised that message about themselves when the reality is that they're standing up for themselves in the context of a relationship that is treating them badly.

Then there can be "difficult" as in ill-suited, where no one is behaving badly but they are just fundamentally mismatched. Sometimes it takes the experience of a few wrong relationships to work out a good match.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:03:20

arsenaltilidie - you couldn't be further from the truth, she is no lover of dramas

Phylis81 - none of the wedding comments before now have been negative but I do think the actual weddings we went to are influencing things

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:06:13

something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with.. and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that.

Surely this means that she doesn't really feel like that about you? Things about you she'd like to change - maybe to do with your looks, your personality? She has a few reservations about you and doesn't utterly adore you like your friend does her man, it seems.
Perhaps you just don't satisfy her ideals of what the perfect man for her should really be.
Did you feel she's the perfect woman for you, or do you have any reservations about her as well?
If you can live happily without her it might be best in the end, rather than being found wanting and never quite coming up to her high standards.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:06:55

Dahlen - we definitely aren't fundamentally mismatched, quite the opposite. She made the difficult comment some while back and I think (hope) it was more of a self aware warning than anything else

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:07:00

something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with.. and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that.

Surely this means that she doesn't really feel like that about you? Things about you she'd like to change - maybe to do with your looks, your personality? She has a few reservations about you and doesn't utterly adore you like your friend does her man, it seems.
Perhaps you just don't satisfy her ideals of what the perfect man for her should really be.
Did you feel she's the perfect woman for you, or do you have any reservations about her as well?
If you can live happily without her it might be best in the end, rather than being found wanting and never quite coming up to her high standards.

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:08:33

Sorry, it somehow got posted twice

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:20:29

bluegrasses - it could mean she doesn't feel the same about me as my friend does about her husband but I wouldn't expect us to feel the same as a couple who have been together for more than a decade.

The only reservation I have would be if this kind of thing was to happen again in the future. Nobody is perfect but I do think she is the perfect woman for me

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 15:22:36

One small point. Why did you want a female perspective if you're just going to dismiss every observation? Do you think... possibly... that might be part of the problem? She's been telling you stuff that's important and you've been blithely carrying on and not listening?

Jan45 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:25:29

I thought the same, you don't seem prepared to take any of the observations made here.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:29:11

I'm certainly taking everyone's input onboard and I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm just trying to give my take on what's being said.

I'm grateful for all the responses and comments

she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it

That is all you need to know really.
Have a break, give her some space.
Do NOT contact her at all until she contacts you.
That phrase above is often used by people who are cheating and laying the ground before being found out/telling their OH.
It just sounds like she's not that into you to be honest.
Let her go for now. She may realise what she's missing and come crawling back but just sit back and wait for that - it may not happen though!

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 15:38:26

I wouldn't expect us to feel the same as a couple who have been together for more than a decade.

It's maybe not the norm to find your partner so wonderful that you utterly adore him in every way after 10 years! I'd have thought that would be more likely at the beginning.

JohFlow Tue 24-Sep-13 15:42:34

Keep it simple.

Words to the effect of 'I've noticed a change between us and I'm confused. Did something happen at the wedding? I think there is something unsaid. What's going on?'

lurkinglorna Tue 24-Sep-13 15:47:30

Coming in a bit harsh here but (regardless of gender) "I need a break" doesn't mean the person has a right to expect the other to wait round until they're completely certain of what they want.

Clarify to her that she can have all the time she wants, but YOU'LL be considering other options whilst she makes her mind up.

I don't mean you should move in with someone tomorrow, but you can't just be "on call" for someone who is emotionally dithering (and I don't mean this in a negative way, I'm an emotional ditherer myself but I don't expect my admirers to put their lives on hold for me)?

Go on dates, even if there's no immediate fireworks, you don't even need to be having sex, just don't get "oneitis". I'd agree with having NO contact with her as well.

Nothing like a bit of "NOT being a sure thing" to get someone to be a bit more decisive....smile

SoleSource Tue 24-Sep-13 15:52:45

Does she think you're a mind reader? she needs to tell you what is wrong out of respect. If not LEAVE THE BITCH

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:15:37

lurkinglorna - I agree that needing a break doesn't mean the other person waits around at their say so but she knows exactly how I feel about her and I'm not about to go out dating

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:21:01

I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with

I think you are jumping the gun. How can you be so certain after almost a year with someone? She has signed no contract stating that she is going to get married to you and have your babies. You are still finding out about each other, not committing to some kind of future together.

It is entirely possible that she has gone off you or is attracted to someone else, finds you clingy or just simply no longer wants a relationship with you. All of which she is perfectly entitled to do.

I am sure you will meet someone else.

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:25:17

And I really wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone who dates someone for at least a year is compelled to spend the rest of their lives with them, or face an inquisition and being called a bitch or a game player if they don't!

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:35:50

LessMissAbs - jumping the gun a bit maybe but I'm a reasonable age and I've had enough relationships in the past to know when I've met someone different. She has said similar things to me too. She could have gone off me but that doesn't tally with any of her behaviour, hence my confusion.

As for an inquisition, that clearly isn't happening, and nothing else in your second post is expected or has happened either

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 16:41:15

Marmite77 As for an inquisition, that clearly isn't happening, and nothing else in your second post is expected or has happened either

Do you actually respect your girlfriend's wishes, and ability to have thoughts of her own, without you being involved somehow?

You sound unnaturally obsessed and controlling for what has, after all, been a relatively short term relationship.

Its none of your business whether her going off you "tallies with her behaviour" - its her decision, and hers alone. She is under no obligation to continue any relationship with you, or even to provide you for any reasons not to.

Whether or not you have reached an age where you want certain things does not mean everything just falls into your lap.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 16:48:27

I think you're being a little harsh there LMA. She might well decide she's gone off him, and that's entirely her right (as long as she clarifies things soon), but the OP can't help expressing sadness and wondering what might have gone wrong. "Controlling" would be trying to impose his view of events on her, which there is no sign he's doing.

OP, I agree with Lorna inasmuch as you should at least have a squint at a future that may not contain your gf. Not dating necessarily, but equally don't put your life on hold waiting for the "space" period to come to an end.

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 16:48:53

How can you 'leave the bitch' if 'the bitch' has already left?

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:51:42

Of course I respect her views and wishes. She's a very strong and intelligent person and these are some of the things I like the most about her.

I'm not controlling at all, I'm confused by what has happened and naturally I'm going to be thinking about what has gone on and be looking for suggestions that what she has said was coming and try to make sense of things.

As for continuing a relationship, she is under no obligation whatsoever. Reasons for not doing so, especially when the exact opposite has been said previously should be given though, out of respect and common courtesy if nothing else.

Where exactly have I given the impression that I'm expecting everything to fall into my lap?

MadBusLady Tue 24-Sep-13 16:53:31

So long as you get that her "reason" might just be "on reflection, this isn't working for me, it just doesn't feel right". I do think she should finish it properly if she's going to, but there might not be a specific reason.

Priceliss Tue 24-Sep-13 16:56:34

Marmite my advice is to give her space honey. I've learned hard way chasing after someone and pushing them away more when actually I should have put the phone down and stepped away!

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 17:01:06

* Reasons for not doing so, especially when the exact opposite has been said previously should be given though, out of respect and common courtesy if nothing else*

Would you like to explain on what basis you are (a) insisting on this (b) how you intend to enforce it and (c) will you be applying a standard to which the "reasons" must comply before you accept them?

You are not in any contract, it is purely a voluntary arrangement which can be ended by either party at any time, with or without the giving of any reasons, whether that is satisfactory to one side or not.

larrygrylls Tue 24-Sep-13 17:01:28

When this happened to a close relative of mine, his ex had found someone else. She was loving and sex was great up to the day she dumped him. Some people are spookily good at hiding their feelings and are too cowardly to be honest. I don't know why people are being harsh on you. There is no reason to believe any of this is your fault.

She either will come back or she won't. Personally, I would not give her forever. Tell her to let you know where you are within a certain period of time or you consider yourself to be a free agent.

larrygrylls Tue 24-Sep-13 17:03:04

LittleMissAbs,

It is called courtesy. Of course a relationship is a voluntary arrangement, as are many arrangements in life. If I did not meet a mate after arranging to, I think they could expect a good reason. Ending a relationship after a year surely demands at least the same level of decency.

mrsm22 Tue 24-Sep-13 17:03:54

Hello, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It does sound like she is messing you about but probably because she doesn't know what she wants/ how she feels. I would honestly give her space and don't text or call etched as you need to give her time to miss you and think about you and hopefully come back to you. Good luck

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 17:07:59

LessMissAbs - it's about being a decent person and drawing a line under things. It's not something I can a) insist on b) enforce or c) have to like the reasons given but it is something I would provide myself (without being unnecessarily harsh) and would expect from someone I've been very close to

LemonDrizzled Tue 24-Sep-13 17:10:07

Poor OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I read this as heartbreak and hurt, and trying to put a positive spin on what sounds horribly like the beginning of the end of the relationship for him when he was happy.

Your GF admits she isn't good at relationships, which maybe means she has unreasonable expectations of perfection or just doesn't want to settle for someone less than her ideal man. One year in you are comfortable with each other and settled into a pattern which sounds pleasant enough. But maybe she is freaking out now.

Is this good enough to last? Should I see if I can find someone better?

<<cue Peggy Lee>> Is that all there is?

Be kind to yourself OP. You haven't done anything wrong. She is having a wobble and may fly out of orbit and leave you or settle down again and expect all to go back as it was. Your choice whether you can live with that in future.

sisterofmercy Tue 24-Sep-13 17:15:41

If she is comparing the romantic power of a wedding day with an everyday kind of day she is always going to be missing something.

It sounds a bit like a combination of the post drinks blues, weddings making you question things, hormones and fear of committing all in one bundle, perhaps. She might feel better in a bit.

There is probably nothing you can do if she is deciding to leave so in the hope that she is going to be okay, just try to be the best you can be. Thoughtful, kind, giving her space but not leaving her to stew, loving but not smothering and as much fun as possible. Easy! Not.

LessMissAbs Tue 24-Sep-13 17:16:11

Not being good at relationships sounds like something someone would say to let another down gently. It certainly doesn't sound like someone who shares the OP's aspirations of being with the person for the rest of their lives, no matter what the OP says about them being compatible and never arguing, etc..

Because for all that the OP has said, he simply doesn't sound like he knows this woman that well at all. All he has described is his interpretation of how he thinks she feels, and since she is ending it, it is quite likely he has got it wrong.

Again, timeframes - this is a relatively short relationship with no marriage or engagement, and the dumping was done only yesterday. While it is quite possible that the OP will be given more reasons in due course, it is again jumping the gun to expect detailed reasons immediately, if she is indeed letting him down gently.

And in actual fact, he may never be given any reasons, which might well be discourteous and which he might well expect as much as he likes, but there is nothing he can do about that.

But my hunch is that the lady simply doesn't feel quite the same as the gentleman here.

CailinDana Tue 24-Sep-13 17:17:08

I think she is game playing which is a real shame because I think it shows a level of immaturity that means she isn't ready for the level of commitment you're hoping for. Saying something like that and then leaving you to stew and worry is cruel childish behaviour. After a year and given how serious the relationship has been she should at this stage be able to talk about how she feels honestly. The "I need space" think is such a nasty cop out - it basically means "you need to worry but I'm not going to tell you why."
In your shoes I would text saying "I am worried about you and our relationship. You know I love you and want to be with you but I'm not willing to hang around while you hang the prospect of splitting or not splitting over my head. I would at least like the chance to talk it through so I know where I stand. The ball is in your court."

CailinDana Tue 24-Sep-13 17:19:05

Then let her come to you, if that's what she wants.

FairPhyllis Tue 24-Sep-13 17:38:22

If someone said to me out of nowhere that they think something's wrong and something is missing from the relationship, then I wouldn't be able to carry on the relationship in a normal way without getting to the bottom of it. It's quite cruel and manipulative to go around casually dropping that kind of thing, not resolving it, then behaving normally, then doing it again by asking for space but keeping you hanging on.

Also IME people who say they are difficult to have a relationship with ... are difficult to have a relationship with. It usually means they feed off creating drama within the relationship.

You sound really nice and sensible OP, and obviously you think the world of her. But you should be prepared that this might be a warning sign that she might not be as perfect as you think. 12 months is not that much time - you don't fully know her. It's possible that her relationships don't work out because she has some sort of cycle of pulling away and then getting back together going on.

missbopeep Tue 24-Sep-13 18:21:21

Have read the beginning , some middle and end so excuse me if I've missed something really important.

I think Marmite that you need to give her space. My gut reaction is that words- like always saying you love her and so on- can make a person feel they have to say the same back. So she may have been feeling ambivalent for a long time but afraid to say so, and felt compelled to say 'I love you back' if you say this is lot. It takes a lot of guts not to respond by saying the same back even if you are having negative feelings about the person.

Ditto the great sex on Friday. she may have been testing the water to see how she felt, or making an effort one more time, or having sex to avoid talking about her feelings. Who knows.

But back off and let her come to you is my advice. something's going on in her head so let her sort it. And maybe stop telling her you love her every 5 minutes- that would actually annoy me.

Marmite77 Tue 24-Sep-13 18:33:49

missbopeep - I haven't been telling her every 5 minutes, that would drive me up the wall myself smile once a day tops when saying goodbye

missbopeep Tue 24-Sep-13 19:56:38

Do you always take everything so literally? smile The 5 mins comment was an extreme example- I meant even daily would be OTT imo.

Once every time you say goodbye- is that daily, weekly, or what? It still sounds OTT to me. I've never had a guy say that so often no matter how bonkers he was over me.

There's nothing like a wedding for focusing your thoughts on love and relationships.

what are you going to do now?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 24-Sep-13 20:04:16

Missbopeep give the guy a break!! I don't think it's OTT to say "I love you" every day.

Seems you're determined to make this his fault!

missbopeep Tue 24-Sep-13 20:31:10

well that's up to you. Just as what I think and feel is up to me.

Can't you see that saying I love you daily possibly makes it almost meaningless perhaps OR makes the person feel a bit suffocated- especially if she has doubts about her feelings?

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 20:43:29

It could be that the sex was great it she realised she just couldn't face being shackled to you in a marriage and the wedding made her realise. Perhaps there are things about you that just don't fit her idea of what a life partner should be.

RinseAndRepeat Tue 24-Sep-13 21:03:10

I'm going to say the same thing I'd say to a woman if she were in your position, OP. Stop wasting energy trying to figure out what's going on in her head. You'll never manage it and you'll make yourself crazy.

Without any kind of explanation you can only take her on face value of her actions.

People who are happy and in love with their partners don't ask for space and complain about 'something missing'.

Unless they are massive game players.

So I think you can only infer that she's either not happy and in love with you, or she's a massive game player.

Neither is good.

So with the facts you have at hand I think the only thing you can do is leave her be and see of she does you the courtesy of offering you an explanation. If not, I think you should make your next move based on the amount of crap you're prepared to put up with.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 24-Sep-13 21:24:47

Yeah, in your opinion, it's too much miss. In others' opinions it's not. You are projecting what you think is right for you onto the OP's GF.

I agree with rinse though OP. About it being a waste of time tryng to second guess her. Even if you do work out her motives, it is unlikely to make any difference.

Not that that will stop you wondering because I think it's human nature to wonder why and try and make sense of things that make no sense. But it will drive you insane for no real benefit

I also agree with you OP that after a year of being very close you do deserve an honest and real explanation. I just doubt you're going to get one

You have my sympathies. This kind of wondering and worrying is just exhausting.

Good luck OP

missbopeep Tue 24-Sep-13 21:53:06

Bit no I'm not projecting. I'm offering my opinion which is something different.
I just don't happen to agree with your opinion, so you tell me to give the guy a break- meaning you are right then?

From what I've read so far, my post was more supportive than many.

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 22:00:32

I feel that people are more likely to be attracted to those who seem free, independent and self-sufficient spirits. Those who do not give you the impression that their whole life and happiness is utterly dependent on you and that they're besotted by you. It's almost too much of a responsibility, or burden, to have someone clinging onto you to give meaning to their life and constantly telling you how much they love you.

Perhaps she felt you needed her too much and she just had to escape?
By not contacting her and getting on with the rest of your life you can show her that you can survive without her.
So leave it to her, and don't go over the top if and when she does contact you again. That would be my advice.

bluegrasses Tue 24-Sep-13 22:04:03

Even if she does contact you, the bottom line is you'll never feel quite the same again about her, will you? The false sense of security that had been built up in your mind has gone.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 24-Sep-13 22:08:32

Supportive? Yeah. OK

Bluegrass, I think the reason OP is puzzledis because, right until the point when she left, she seemed to be as much into him a he was into her. That's why he's at a loss. That it was so sudden.

Of course she may well have been having dubts for weeks or months but his them well because the OPis blindsided by this. He thoought they were happy. That she loved him too.

And I don't think every day is "contsantly"

DuelingFanjo Tue 24-Sep-13 22:15:17

Op, you said any questions were welcome.

When you said "and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term." what do you mean by 'the kind of emotion she was referring to'?

Is it possible that there is something about the way they are (the couple) that you are not?

Xollob Tue 24-Sep-13 22:40:28

My bet would be on it being the wedding that has caused her problems, like you yourself have said.

How long have you been going out with her? You said a year, but it sounds less than that.

What do you say when she is talking about marriage and joking about it? Marriage is a big thing to some people and she may be testing the water - she may be joking, but that doesn't mean a thing in female-speak.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 08:52:52

Bit are you in a relationship and if so how often do you tell the person you love them- or they tell you?

Be interesting to know because your opinion seems at odds with several of us here who think daily protestations are rather excessive.

IME ( and I have lived a bit) people who say they love someone a lot are often trying to either convince themselves, ( in love with the idea of being in love) or convince the other person. Less is more often when it comes to words once you are over 16.

My money OP is that your girlfriend had doubts for a long time- but your protestations of love have made it hard for her to show these doubts for fear of hurting you, when maybe she hadn't made her mind up if she loved you as much back.

There are 2 scenarios- either she wants you to marry her and the wedding showed her you were dragging your heels- so she has pulled away to see if you will pull her back.

OR she is not wanting to marry you or anyone ( commitment phobe) and is telling you kindly,using the well worn cliches like needing space.

Lazyjaney Wed 25-Sep-13 09:48:41

You can't really tell anything from one episode.

I think that since it is possible for so many people on this thread to come to such wide differences of opinion from the same behaviour, tells me that this woman is at best very confused about her feelings, at worst playing game.

In my experience best way to avoid games is be straight yourself.

The other thought I had was what is her age, perhaps the biological clock is ticking strongly?

KitZacJak Wed 25-Sep-13 10:02:07

She sounds like she is having doubts about the relationship. The best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel but leave her some space and be a bit on the cool side. If she has a bit of time to herself she may miss you and realise what you have together. Alternatively the relationship will end but at least you will keep your dignity.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:05:42

DuelingFanjo - it was the way it was said and there was other stuff said too, I'm not putting it across well in text but it was a comment backed up by years of going through stuff together (this was also mentioned and there have been some tempestuous times earlier in their relationship). The frustrating thing about her picking up on this comment is that when talking about it my friend said that she was drunk and making gushing compliments and of course she loves her husband but she would still love it if he dressed a bit better. That still doesn't mean that she wants to change anything about him. They are different as a couple than we are but then they're different people.

missbopeep - the daily "I love you" personally I don't see the problem and she was telling me the same thing. She told me she loved me first too (that sounds really childish when written down) so it's not like these 'protestations' have made her have to say it back to me or being unable to show her doubts and the way she used to tell me she loved me was always sincere and genuine too and wasn't always at my instigation

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:10:33

Lazyjaney - she isn't a game player, it seems to be more confusion to me and others I have spoken to about the situation. I've been completely straight with her too, although I do kind of feel like I'm playing abit of a game purely by not getting in touch with her when I normally would but I'm trying to be respectful of her wishes for space.

As for her age, 29 but she doesn't want children

KitZacJak - I'm hoping the time apart will do some good, horrible though it is

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 10:39:48

How do you know she doesn't want children? Why doesn't she want them?

I agree with missbopeep - she may need space, or she may be looking for you to come after her. If you are talking about spending the rest of your lives together you will need to be able to communicate and this silence won't be getting you anywhere. How would a 'I love you and I miss you' text go down do you think?

KitZacJak Wed 25-Sep-13 10:40:16

Stay strong! Hope it all turns out well in the end.

Dahlen Wed 25-Sep-13 10:46:57

I think you're handling it the right way. You can't possibly know what's going on in her head and trying to work it out is a sure-fire route to madness.

I feel the accusations of game-playing are a bit harsh though. If she's having doubts and needs time to sort her head out, saying she needs space is absolutely the right thing to do. In the context of a stable (if newish) relationship, I'd expect the other person to be supportive of that provided it didn't lapse into an unreasonable timeframe (so a couple of weeks would be fine IMO, but a couple of months wouldn't be unless happily agreed on by both parties without persuasion).

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:47:17

Xollob - she's told me she doesn't want children on a number of occasions.

As for your text suggestion, I really want to get in touch but honestly, I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. The text could go either way I think. I had been thinking something along the lines of "Hi. Please don't think I'm ignoring you as you haven't herd from me. I trying to give you space but I miss you and I love you and I'd love to be able to sort this out"

?

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:49:13

Dahlen - thank you, she most definitely isn't a game player, it's not her style at all

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 10:52:06

How long has it been since you contacted her OP?

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 10:53:10

I'm asking that because I think you deserve to know where you stand.. The not knowing and confusion is awful ans horribly unfair.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 10:55:23

SweetSeraphim - feels like absolutely ages but not long at all. This happened on sunday. There was no contact monday or tuesday whereas normally we'd be texting during the day and talking on the phone at night

bluegrasses Wed 25-Sep-13 11:04:36

I'd say leave her in peace. Let her take the initiative! She started it!

Show her you're not going to actually die if she never contacts you again. Don't demean yourself before her. Keep your dignity and integrity.
If it's some kind of a test she can forget it...

Granville72 Wed 25-Sep-13 11:08:53

Send the text. It's a tricky situation but if she's going to finish it then the text wont make any difference. On the other hand, if you didn't send the text and she finished it then she could say ' well you clearly don't care as I haven't heard from you'

Does that make sense? Very swings and roundabouts.

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:17:46

Maybe give her a bit more time to miss you then - as excruciating as it must be. If she really needs space, two days is unlikely to have been enough, I feel. I really hope it works out for you - it sounds a horrible situation to be in.

Do you have any mutual friends who could shed any light? (though be careful not to be seen to be going behind her back to find out).

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:18:33

PS: I take it you're happy not to have children too?

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 11:44:44

Xollob - we are the only connection between our two social circles so no mutual friends. I do have the numbers of some of her friends and I do consider them my friends but feel it would be inappropriate (or even damaging) to contact them. I'm half expecting contact from one of her friends when he finds out though, we get on very well.

I'm happy with the children situation.

Really want to get in touch but still uncertain and probably won't do it until this evening either way

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 11:48:15

Yes, definitely wait a bit longer - until at least this evening.

On the children front - sometimes women change their minds quite dramatically about having children at about that age. Is it possible that she has decided that she may want children but thinks that you don't?

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Sep-13 11:52:02

Oh Marmite I feel for you. It's the agony of waiting isn't it? It's a killer

I think that text sounds good. (obviously correcting the spelling mistake wink) because it is very positive but in reality, you've got nothing to loose have you?

Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

SweetSeraphim Wed 25-Sep-13 12:04:25

Actually I agree with Granville. Sending a text tonight isn't going to make any difference now, and you deserve to know what's going on.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 12:35:01

sometimes you know it's harder to be the one walking away than being the one being dumped.

I know I keep banging on about this daily 'I love you' stuff but it's because to me it's a sign that your relationship was not possibly on the sound footing you imagined. Couples who are mature and beyond the first flush of love don't IME keep saying this unless they are really 'lovey' types. I do think there is a chance the love-you' words mean little the more they are said. It sounds in some ways as if you were each 'talking your relationship up'.

That aside, if she is wanting to end things, then I'd keep quiet about your feelings because you will only add more pressure and make it harder for her.

If you want to find out what is going on then phone her. Forget texts- modern inventions that are a cop out IMo for real communication. Phone her and say you need to talk. Ask to meet or if she wants some time before you meet to talk.
Be a man about it all!

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 12:49:48

missbopeep - she's a woman who needs reassurance from time to time and compliments and I love yous help with that, aside from the fact that I genuinely mean them, it's certainly not just lip service.

I agree with you about calling rather than texting but feel a call isn't as respectful of her wanting some space (I'm also aware that texting isn't really respecting that either but I feel like I need to do something and I'm missing her like mad)

Dahlen Wed 25-Sep-13 12:55:27

I think everyone needs reassurance from time to time, though it's best to ask for it outright.

I'm the other way round with phone-calls. I much prefer text conversations or face-to-face conversations. I absolutely loathe talking on the phone unless it's in a professional capacity. Face-to-face is best because of eye contact, body language etc. Text messaging, like a phone call, is missing those cues, but does at least allow someone to digest what has been said and consider their response before replying.

LessMissAbs Wed 25-Sep-13 13:10:40

OP, I don't know if its how you come across in writing, but some of the things you have written make me feel quite uncomfortable. I have described some of them previously, but basically its your attitude and your constant desire to interfere in another individual's wishes, and to over-analyse the situation (you wrote previously about there being no evidence for her current "behaviour" - somewhat condescending).

Its been 2 1/2 days since you last had contact. Its too early to expect to "draw a line under it" or to expect a host of "reasons". You don't even want it to end. And if you don't, I suggest you remember that you have a life outwith your relationship and that you get on with it. Not many intelligent women want an overly clingy, obsessed man. FWIW I agree with the posters who say that telling someone you love them every day devalues it, and personally I can't see the point in constant texting and phoning every single night either. I know some people do it, but speaking as someone who simply isn't allowed to text while at work or use the internet (ie I'm not at work right now), I don't see how its workable.

Are you older than her? Is this more about a blow to your pride and your well-set life plans than her as a person?

Above all, I think you need to relax. This is a less than one year long relationship, not a lengthy marriage or broken off engagement. Where is your sense of perspective? Why are so desperate to phone or text her right now? At least wait until the end of the week, or better still, the end of the weekend, and text her then - but preferably not in the manner of the draft text you wrote - which suggests that you are in control of the entire relationship and that you are not treating her as an equal and are belittling her previous comments - it would irritate me if I received something like that from someone I felt I needed space from.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 13:13:31

That's why I hate texts unless they are to say 'see you will be 5 mins late' etc!
They allow the recipient to ignore you and possibly misinterpret what you feel. I really think they are totally unsuitable for anything where real emotions are involved- IMO they allow people to cop out.

Marmite- if this was a long relationship which you said it was, and you were thinking of moving in together, then is it not odd that you are so nervous about making contact?

Analyse your emotions- if it's rejection you are afraid of, then waiting another day or a week will not make the slightest difference. If it IS all over then it's better you know and begin to deal with it, than wait and wonder.

If it's NOT all over then you need some explanation from her and you need to seriously think how you feel about being in a relationship with someone who basically disappears in a 'mood' and leaves you dangling. That's not good behaviour and if she wants out, she should come clean and say so. Or if she needs time to think, she needs to say so.

This is classic passive -aggressive behaviour- a bit of self-indulgence thrown in too- is she worth it?

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 13:23:08

Harsh LessMissAbs! Marmite I understand your desperation to find out what is going on - this is the person you were going to marry. Just leave it a little bit longer though.

I think the OP is getting a pretty hard time from some posters here. My DH and I say 'I love you' to each other a lot and neither of us are insecure or trying to convince ourselves. I also don't think a year is a particularly short relationship, many couples are talking about moving in together or marrying after a year.

I think the best advice OP is to just give her the space she wants. Start assuming it's over and that you may not get the answers you want.

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 13:25:23

AKiss My DH and I say it daily too - usually shortly after ranting at each other for not putting the washing away etc, but we still say it daily.

bluegrasses Wed 25-Sep-13 13:40:38

Maybe you should use this shock and the time it has given you to reconsider if you really want to get married anyway? It appears you are never going to be a happy family unit because there will be no children, just a couple living together, getting older..., endlessly telling each other how much they love each other... Is this what you really want out of life? It could end up being a bit dull and sterile somehow.
And who knows, after you're married for a while and you've gone some foreign holidays together she could start feeling the need for 'some space and time apart' again. What do you do then?

oohdaddypig Wed 25-Sep-13 13:57:30

OP I agree you are getting a hard time here. Not sure why.

I disagree that saying I love you everyday is too much. DH and I regularly say it. Before we married, and lived apart, we would have some contact each day, even if just a text. I would not say either of us is clingy or needy!

Clearly your partner is working through some issues. Fine. But she is being selfish by not at least keeping you in the loop. I would send the text. You have then done all you can. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't think "what-if".

Incidentally, has she ever accused you of being too smothering in the past? Has she talked about the future with you? I absolutely respect the decision not to want kids but I'm always curious as to why? It's not a commitment issue is it?

LessMissAbs Wed 25-Sep-13 14:10:08

Xollob this is the person you were going to marry!

I got the impression the OP's girlfriend was unaware she was engaged to the OP!

"She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened."

I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

She fancies you. You jump into bed as soon as you see eachother. No doubt the sexual connection is there.

But...

She seem to miss the deep personal connection that exist between a couple who adore eachother and have been with eachother for 10 years.
Do you think they got this connection through fancying the pants of each other and having great sex?

You dont mention anything about your common interests, and what you do together, and what makes her and you tick as people. For all I know you spend your time discussion travels to Himalayas, the endagered habitat of the polar bear, life ambitions, religion and philosophy, great books you both read, films you watch, but in the absence of reading about any such thing I want to ask a question:

Do you think that that upon seeing your friends and their closeness, she realized that all you and her have is a great shag, and does not go beyond that?

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 14:41:14

weddings, funerals and births always make people think.
immortality, what you want for the next 50 years, blah blah.

sounds like the wedding has made her face issues she was ignoring.

she doesn't sound 'easy'. to be with.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 14:54:56

Assume the worst. Hope for the best.

Put yourself out of your misery and contact her.

After a year she owes you an insight into her feelings.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 15:14:04

Let's clear something up, we are not engaged. I was saying that I felt I would want to may her.

LessMissAbs - evidence is me trying to understand what is happening and it's not constant texts throughout the day it's little chats here and there and no, it's about her as a person not some ridiculous idea of hurt pride or spoilt plans. it doesn't do surprise me that a text would irritate you as it seems most thing probably would.

missbopeep - I'm nervous because I don't want to mess anything up and do the wrong thing.

If it isn't over then of course this needs seriously addressing but I would like the opportunity to try and work through it. Yes she is definitely worth it.

bluegrasses - it's perfectly possible to be happy without children, not everyone is looking for that family unit.

oohdaddypig - she's never said I'm too smothering and yes we've talked about the future. the kids thing isn't a commitment issue.

QuintessentialShadows - we have loads of common interests. She's met my friends before so their relationships are not new to her and no I don't think their closeness comes from fancying each other just like I also don't think you can compare a relationship of 1 year with one of 10 years.

missbopeep again - it might not sound it but she really isn't difficult to be with

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 15:48:38

But she has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship

when men say this to women, we all scream LISTEN- they are telling you the truth.

You appear not to want to hear.

We don't know her relationship history- you should. Does her current behaviour fit with that?

I doubt that anything you do now will mess things up.
Either she is having 2nd thought about you as a partner, or she is not ready to commit , and has doubts about her ability to commit.

I'd like to know your ages. This 'no children' thing is fine BUT what you might want if you are 25 might change when you are 35 or 40. You need to be very very certain that you are not compromising- should she come back to you- on the children thing.

There will be women out there who are just as good a match for you and who do want children. If it's something you always thought you might want you'd be an idiot to compromise.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 16:08:56

missbopeep - what I'm saying is I haven't found her to be difficult to have a relationship with, certainly not to the point that I don't want to.

Her current behaviour doors got in with this statement though.

I'm 35, she's 29. The children thing isn't an issue

Sparklysilversequins Wed 25-Sep-13 16:19:27

As hard as it is people just go off people, I think that's what has happened here. Maybe she thought you were a bit nasty when you were having a laugh at your mates dress sense? Sometimes it can be such a small thing that does it.

Do not text her, that is the quickest way to make her think "ffs! I said I needed space!" It can only irritate. Believe me you will not lose her because you don't text, but you could drive her further away if you do.

I think the wedding just made her realise she didn't have those deep feelings for you. Rubbish for you I know.

MoonlightPicnic Wed 25-Sep-13 16:50:39

Honestly LittleMissAbs leave the chap be. As he's gone from a period of stability to something akin to mental chaos it's no wonder he's digging deep for an answer. A lot of people do this (yes including us guys). It's actually a step in the grieving process.

I'm afraid Marmite, in my experience,talk like that is pretty much final (file with "it's not you it's me"). Withdraw yourself completly. If she gears up the interest again respond to her with gentlemanly moderation. DO NOT sleep with her whilst this is going on, It'll break you.

I hope it works out for both of you smile

Lazyjaney Wed 25-Sep-13 17:12:22

The only certain thing on this thread is no one knows what's happening, and unfortunately the OPs best next step depend on what is going on.

In my opinion she does at least owe some idea of what's going on by now, I think text is the least intrusive, something fairly neutral like "seems odd not to chat to you, hope all is ok" or some such.

I can't see how that would change anything much one way or another. The response (or lack of) will hopefully make it clearer what's going on.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 17:46:23

I'll be sending a text when I finish work I think. Nice but not too deep or full on and try and make her laugh

BitOutOfPractice Wed 25-Sep-13 18:00:55

Let us know how you get on.

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 19:21:08

You want to try to make her laugh via a text?

Is that wise?

If I was ending or thinking of ending a long relationship, a text to 'cheer me up' or make me laugh could be the last straw. It could imply my boyfriend just didn't have a handle on how serious my worries were or how I was feeling.

I have the feeling that she's had the upper hand in your relationship. she's the one who needs reassurance, she's the one who said she was hard to have a relationship with, she's the one who doesn't want kids so you fall in with that.....she's the one who has disappeared and left you in the lurch not knowing what's what.

How does that feel when it's spelled out?

I think you have to man-up and ask her outright WTF is going on and does she want you or not.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 25-Sep-13 19:26:05

Oh I don't know, a funny text might make me feel a bit more affectionate towards him. Personally I wouldn't text at all, let them stew. Wondering how you got on OP, do let us know smile.

Marmite77 Wed 25-Sep-13 19:32:02

when have I said I've changed my stance on children to suit her?

the text was going to be something along the lines of "hi please don't think I've been ignoring you as you haven't been in touch. I'm trying to give you space which is why I'm not calling but I miss you and I miss or hairy daughter and I hope we can sort things out. hope you're ok

the hairy daughter is her dog.

yeah she's the one who needs reassurance (I do too occasionally) and she's said she can be hard work but some people are worth it

missbopeep Wed 25-Sep-13 20:11:43

I think you deserve better.

I would not refer to the dog as your "daughter" if she is a woman who
1. Does not want kids
2. Is uncertain about your relationship.

Xollob Wed 25-Sep-13 23:40:26

I wasn't implying I thought Marmite was engaged - but he said somewhere that she was the woman that he has hoped to spend the rest of his life with - and that's quite a big realisation.

I hope the text went OK Marmite

RinseAndRepeat Thu 26-Sep-13 00:11:23

You haven't text her yet have you? Don't text. Really. Don't.

Marmite77 Thu 26-Sep-13 08:18:00

QuintessentialShadows - she came up with the hairy daughter nickname.

I sent the text last night. Got a response a couple of hours later saying hi, I'm glad to hear you're ok, I appreciate you giving me some time to sort my head out x

missbopeep Thu 26-Sep-13 08:25:43

well, she replied.
But is that enough for you?

I understand your angst- really.

But- where's your anger?

What's come through all your posts is any lack of outrage.
You constantly spring to her defence whatever anyone says about how she may be re. relationship history or how she is treating you.

Aren't you angry?

If this situation was reversed- man leaving a woman to stew while he sorted his head out- the advice would be ignore him, get on with your life, don't wait for him to make us his mind, and don't allow him to believe you were ready and waiting should he decide he wants you.

In my experience, as an 'older woman' both personally and looking at friends' relationships, when one person treats the other like this then the person who 'waits' is always on the back foot in the relationship, if it even survives.

You do need to think seriously if you are willing to be toyed with and give her the choice to mess you about.

mrsmindcontrol Thu 26-Sep-13 08:29:19

She is undoubtedly playing you, I'm afraid to say. If she genuinely felt there were problems in your relationship that could be remedied & the relationship saved, she'd be working through these things WITH you.
Insisting on 'space' is merely a smokescreen for letting you down gently while maintaining an air of her being complex.
I know OP that you're trying to convince yourself that this relationship is perfect & worth saving but really, it isn't. She's showing you this very clearly now.

mrsmindcontrol Thu 26-Sep-13 08:35:15

And, I should say, by not involving you in what these issues are or how they can be resolved, she is saying that she doesn't value your input.

I acted in exactly the same way to an exP & in all honesty the relationship I had with him sounded very much like yours. He was so emotionally open, always telling me he loved me & whilst I was happy to be swept along in the fantasy of being in love for a while, I have to say that going to a wedding where the couple clearly properly adored each other would have made me react in the same way as your GF has done.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 26-Sep-13 08:37:15

Oh. Marmite. That doesn't give you much to go on does it? It's very passive aggressive I must say.

Right. And bear in mind I've been rooting for you all along, you have to not contact her now. At all.

Fwiw I think she's being a very stupid woman and she will live to regret this. This is pretty immature behaviour I must say and seems to be all about effect and what your reaction will be. Don't give her one. Carry on with life and wait and see

It's so tough. And you have my sympathies

Lazyjaney Thu 26-Sep-13 08:54:33

Balance of probability is that its over. Sorry OP.

If I had to make a (totally wild) guess, I'd say the wedding set the biological clock alarm off, and she is now looking for "the father of my children", but she may not even know it herself yet.

Marmite77 Thu 26-Sep-13 08:57:00

missbopeep - I am angry, I'm also frustrated and upset and pissed off and annoyed but I'm trying not to let that get the better off me because what exactly will that achieve? my anger doesn't change the fact that I still want to sort things out at the moment and isn't going to make me start slagging her off or not sticking up for her if I don't agree with what is being said

RinseAndRepeat Thu 26-Sep-13 08:57:28

I also think she's behaving very unfairly.

Rather than send placating texts that smack of begging for scraps of her attention, I'd be inclined to tell her you've decided you're not going to be left hanging. Tell her she knows where to find you and if she decides she wants to get in touch she should be prepared that, by then, you might not want to hear from her thanks very much.

I think you should start feeling angry at this treatment. It's not on really.

missbopeep Thu 26-Sep-13 09:08:22

Marmite- you ask what you will achieve by showing some anger of frustration?

Maybe some respect from her , for a start.

You are ALLOWING her to behave like this.

Being all reasonable and too nice can be a turn off for some women (I'd include myself there.) Women like men who are in tune with their emotions but they also like a bit of Alpha male- and you are definitely beta here!

As others have said, if she has issues with the relationship, out of respect for your feelings she ought to meet you and discuss.

She's setting the scene for the 'it's me not you' scenario. I know this is awful for you but you need to try to start detaching and don't contact her- sounds like she thrives on attention.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 26-Sep-13 09:09:12

She's dumping you but is too cowardly to come right out and say it, it's the if I ignore him he will go away technique. Move on, don't text again. I know it's tough though.

Xollob Thu 26-Sep-13 09:09:26

Going against the grain here, I don't think what she has done is so bad. She had doubts and she wants to think them through alone - perfectly sensible. It may be that she needs OP not to be present to think through the situation properly i.e. she likes him, loves him, fancies him, but doesn't want the distraction of all that (and wanting to hop into bed with him) if she is trying to decide if he is the man she wants to spend her life with.

Twenty nine is a difficult age - I remember that suddenly everyone started to get married and you have to look at your own objectives. Far better that she do this than drag things out for another five years and leave OP then.

Xollob Thu 26-Sep-13 09:11:05

Missbopeep it's only been three days - it's not like she's left him hanging for three months! Why would she want someone who starts to get angry at the prospect of three days' space?

ammature Thu 26-Sep-13 09:14:24

I think some people are being extremely harsh on you OP obviously you are going through a difficult time and this really hurts. From my experience as a woman I have never needed space from a DP but I have had a guy who used the kind of language your GF has...space, time to sort my head out. He ended up messing with me completely emotionally and the more he pulled away the harder it was for me. I think you have a right to say this is hurtful to me, how long will it take for you to start communicating with me? I think a year is a long relationship, I've been my my DP just over a year and we are living together/engaged.

RinseAndRepeat Thu 26-Sep-13 09:27:24

Okay, she's asked for space, fair enough. You have to give her that space if she needs it. But I'd have an idea in your mind of how long you're prepared to wait for and what your bottom line is.

If she comes to you next week and is ready to talk then that's fine. Hear what she has to say and plan accordingly from there.

But if she drags this out for weeks with no explanation and no closure, then that's when you should get mad.

In the meantime there really is nothing you can do that won't make it worse. So, hard as it is, sit on your hands and give it another couple of days.

larrygrylls Thu 26-Sep-13 09:48:45

Marmite,

I would be very wary of proceeding from here. I think that rules are set early in relationships and, were she to come back and want to resume as you were, she will always think that she has the option to come and go as she pleases with no consequence. Clearly it is a different matter if she comes back with a proper explanation of the issues and says that it will never happen again.

As I said upthread, I would text her and say that as from this weekend you regard yourself as a free agent and that her return is consequent upon you not finding someone else or reassessing the situation. At the moment you are being a doormat.

missbopeep Thu 26-Sep-13 09:55:18

Oh don't be silly Xollob- who would wait for 3 months?
I don't think it matters if it's 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks.

Anyone who cares about someone who they have been seeing for a year owes them some insight into what they are mulling over.

I'm not having a go at the OP- I'm expressing my annoyance at his being treated like this- they are 2 different things.

Kiwiinkits Thu 26-Sep-13 10:19:28

At this point I would text and say that you have been happy to give her space up till this point but its not been very fun for you and you're starting to get ticked off with it. So she's got until Sunday before you're off down the pub to pick up your next root.

Lazyjaney Thu 26-Sep-13 10:48:05

The problem with "give me space" is it puts the other partner in limbo. Try and see for how long space is needed and you're being pressurising, try and live your own life again and you have no faith in them. No win.

I have no idea what a reasonable amount of time is, but i'd not contact her again, and if I'd heard nothing after the weekend I'd assume it's off, nothing by the weekend after and I'd get on with my life. I dont think I'd contact her again.

Even if she then came back I'd think she is going to be very hard work, and is at best FWB material.

Dahlen Thu 26-Sep-13 11:02:37

I don't get the antipathy towards needing space. Sometimes people need to think. They are unable to articulate what is wrong until they've had a period of quiet reflection.

If the OP's GF hadn't requested space we may well have had a thread titled "DP is being very distant with me and I don't know why" or "just been dumped out of the blue".

But I agree that she's being unreasonable to not say what she's unhappy about (even if in the vaguest terms) or to agree a timescale after which they meet up and talk things through.

Granville72 Thu 26-Sep-13 11:13:59

Marmite you're in a difficult situation but I applaud you for giving her the space she has asked for. That's the difference I think between men and women. If a man had asked for this, many women would have got rather evil and angry by now.

It must be incredibly frustrating for you not knowing where you stand.

Is she the sort that's a bit needy and needs reassurance? I'm maybe thinking that after the two weddings you've both attended she's wanting you to declare your undying love and propose or ask her for more, maybe moving in together.

Are you absolutely sure there is no one else on the scene and she's sussing out her options and whether the grass is greener?

missbopeep Thu 26-Sep-13 11:29:05

She might be 'testing you' to see if she pulls back ( as she's done) you move forward to fill the space with a proposal or commitment type scenario - all prompted by the weddings.

On the other hand the weddings and other people's seemingly married bliss may have really made her think that what she feels for you is a million miles from that.

Maybe she doesn't feel you are her ideal man, long term, and she's having to weigh up how she feels about ending it - or compromising on her feelings and continuing your relationship.

I only know that as a woman if I did what she was doing now, it'd be because I had serious doubts and needed to make a decision. I think this makes it very dodgy ground for you long term because if she needs time to think after a year she can't be sure of her feelings. You might get pulled into a stop-start/ on-off relationship.

I also think it's important to reflect on what someone else asked ( and you didn't say)- do you have plenty in common, what kinds of stuff do you do together, have you spent time together on holiday etc- or has the relationship been mainly physical and is the honeymoon bliss wearing off and it's time for her to reflect on whether there is any substance there.

Xollob Thu 26-Sep-13 11:58:37

I agree - I don't get the problem with her asking for space. She sounds quite insightful - she recognises she has a problem and describes herself as difficult, she recognises there is a problem right now and needs to think about it. Look at the evidence here - the evidence is that up until now they have had a good, and by the sounds of it healthy, relationship. It is better that she takes this time out now than dumps Marmite five years down the line.

She could be realising that he isn't going to be the man she wants to be spending the rest of her life with, or she could be wondering why he hasn't been more proactive about moving their relationship forward and feeling that she is doing the driving (not suggesting that is the case). Women don't always ask for what they want in as straightforward a way as men do. I know lots and lots of couples who have split up before getting engaged. I think OP has to maintain a silence now and get on with his life as best he can.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 26-Sep-13 14:09:02

Missbopeep sorry I missed the question you asked me up thread.

Yes, I am in a relationship. And we tell each other we love each other with a frequency which I suspect would make your toes curl! grin

Xollob Fri 27-Sep-13 12:00:12

Any news Marmite?
I hope you have a busy week-end planned to take your mind off things.

Marmite77 Fri 27-Sep-13 12:32:21

Working nights all weekend which messes my head up at the best of times so that should prove to be a lot of fun.

Not had any contact since the text on wednesday. She might get in touch tonight or tomorrow is suppose. Over analysing the situation, if it was me as the other party and I was ending things I'd feel compelled to do it the day after that text and not drag it out. I'm hoping this is the situation and good news but who the hell knows

PoppadomPreach Fri 27-Sep-13 12:51:50

You sound like a really decent guy to me, and I think she is behaving really unfairly. Sadly, I also think this I probably the beginning of the end of the relationship (sorry). If she had any respect for you, she would have been into ouch and not just left you hanging.

Whilst clearly it is not unreasonable for anyone to end a relationship as it is not chat they wanted, for me it is unreasonable to be vague and leave the other person wondering what the hell is going on.

I would preempt this and end it (as hard as that may be). If she does this now, she'll continue to do it (probably until she meets someone else) and I don't think you deserve that. Even though you will be hurting, try to show as title off that hurt to her, as I think she actually wants to see it - that is whys she is prolonging this charade. The more itching about what she is doing. The meaner I think she is. You are well rid of her.

I rally hope you find someone else who genuinely makes you happy.

PoppadomPreach Fri 27-Sep-13 12:52:59

Sorry about all the typos!

Bumpsadaisie Fri 27-Sep-13 13:06:44

She does sound like she has got you dancing around her. Your anxious about "doing the wrong thing". You're sending a text to try and make her laugh. You've been left completely in the dark about what on earth is going on in the relationship.

My advice would be to stop trying to modify and design your behaviour based on what you imagine will "work" as a means to the end result you want. And instead behave as you really FEEL. Which, I assume, would be sad she has gone, angry about being left in such a sudden and unsettling way, worried that it might all be over and hopeful that it is not.

You should also make some demands of her. It's not on to disappear without a proper explanation or to keep you hanging on like a docile puppy. Tell her you want to know what she wants to do. If your asking that does indeed push her toward ending it, then the relationship was v fragile anyway.

Good luck.

oohdaddypig Fri 27-Sep-13 14:10:35

Hi again marmite, and I hope you are bearing up ok...

The longer this is going on, the more irritated I feel on your behalf.

Sadly, I do agree with poppadom's sentiments and that it's not looking good.

I would also question the mentality of someone who thinks it is acceptable to keep someone who loves them hanging on, like she is doing to you. She sounds very selfish. Yes, she needs space, but she has had space and hasn't really thought about how YOU might be feeling.

She's what I call a "head-fucker" and they are not people you want to consider marrying as ultimately they care only for themselves.

I wish you well OP and I hope you find happiness as you deserve it.

pdfan Fri 27-Sep-13 14:23:35

Has she absolutely never done anything strange or unexpected before? Is this the very first time?

If you've known her almost year I'd be surprised if she hasn't left a single clue as to how she can suddenly be like this?

What about her previous relationships, I wonder. What exactly went wrong last time?
Did she ever explain in a little detail why she said she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with? Surely you asked her?

No need to answer if you'd rather not - just thinking to myself.

By now, I would move on if I was you.

If she had issues with your relationship that she was trying to "get her head around" then she would talk to you and work them out with you.

I reckon she is emotionally distancing herself and moving on, without letting you know, so she is basically keeping her options open without giving YOU the heads up. This is disrespectful and cold.

If she is now showing you her "difficult side" then she is testing the waters to see whether you will put up with this treatment or not.

My advice, dont put up with it. Move on!

lurkinglorna Fri 27-Sep-13 15:07:23

I'm with Quint. It looks like she's trying to turn you into a "fallback" guy so if other options don't work out, she can use you for attention as you're showing her by your behaviour that you're a "safe" option.

(which I think is a horrible thing to do - often in the dating process I've encounter guys who see me as their "perfect woman". I "know" if I wasn't direct I could string them out and just keep them on a leash indefinitely, but I'd much rather be blunt and cut things off and leave them to find other dates/lovers than get the ego boost of having all these admirers who think they're in with a shot)

If someone values someone, they don't play games which might risk alienating them. Also if you do end up back together, are you going to accept the whole dynamic where she can pick and choose whether she's with you, and maybe sees herself as settling or doing you a favour by staying with you?

You come across like a nice enough guy, but a bit "adolescent" in the way you're not taking charge of this situation.

missbopeep Fri 27-Sep-13 15:24:31

Seriously OP, she'd playing with your head.

When people say they are 'difficult' to have a relationship with that to me is a red flag. It can mean they are offering you a challenge. Like this one now- she walks off and waits to see if you follow. It will establish a pattern.

Or maybe she does really like you but can't find the guts to say she doesn't want you now- so this behaviour is a passive-aggressive way of hoping you will get that message.

I agree you haven't said anything about her relationship history or even your own- you are both quite 'old' in some ways to be messing about and not speaking frankly.

What do you think she is saying to her friends...might it be 'surely he's got the message by now?'

Xollob Fri 27-Sep-13 15:24:53

Sorry to hear you've still heard nothing.

I'd be tempted to give her the week-end to come forward and then make your decision from there.

Do you work nights often? Is your lack of availability at the week-ends ever a problem for her?

pdfan Fri 27-Sep-13 15:28:36

... a bit "adolescent" in the way you're not taking charge of this situation.

If you love a woman a lot and you're really desperate to have them you're at their mercy. You're just not in control at all.

That's the way I used to feel.

Xollob Fri 27-Sep-13 15:33:02

I agree pdfan

FesterAddams Fri 27-Sep-13 15:43:28

Sorry to dogpile, but I've been following this thread and must agree with the posters immediately above that this has gone on far too long now.

You don't know what's going on in her life and her head but, frankly, none of the possible scenarios are good. Best case is that she really does just want some "space", but doesn't think and/or doesn't care about the effect on you of leaving you hanging. Worst case is that she's met someone else and is either keeping you on the back burner, or is so swept up with the excitement of a new relationship that you don't even cross her mind.

I'm afraid that I see no happy ending here. If you do get back together you'll have set up a dynamic where both you and her know that it's all about her, and that your feelings and needs are secondary. (I was in such a relationship around the age of 20 - believe me you do not want to be there).

I don't know whether you should send an "ultimatum" text as Bump advises or not. But I would urge you to understand that it's over and start the painful process of picking the pieces of your heart of the floor now.

lurkinglorna Fri 27-Sep-13 15:45:23

pdfan True dat smile

But that's why I said "adolescent" - I do think when a boy turns into a man, it's good for them to develop a strong sense of self to balance out the primitive power of the fairer sex. So they aren't just going round going LIKE ME APPROVE OF ME I'M SCARED OF ANNOYING YOU when they encounter an attractive woman?

(personally I'm very glad my DS is going for hardcore sports -rugby and rowing 1st squad - and his school has a very strong emphasis on "men should have a proper vocation and male friendships and a solid masculine identity)

I think that's often the case with guys who struggle being taken as serious prospects by women -they're just a bit too "reactive" and take everything too personally and literally and it comes across as doormatty and often passive-aggressive? "oh she SAID this so that's what I'll do. I'm going to go and whine now." rather than take action and risk being turned down.

Whereas the guys who seem to not struggle so much, have a vibe of "yes I'll be chivalrous and principled but I'll also value myself and what I myself want and put boundaries where appropriate."

Bumpsadaisie Fri 27-Sep-13 18:19:12

Just having read your text messages to each other, it sounds like you are desperate and she is holding all the cards.

The two scenarios are (1) she's "just not that into you". Or (2) she is really into you, but due to issues of her own she is afraid of commitment and anything that compromises her own life (her position in relation to kids, while fair enough and certainly valid, is very unusual amongst women). Perhaps she is terrified of depending on you emotionally and taking the big risks that making a commitment to each other involves. To cope with the scared feeling she does something that allows her to feel powerful and in control (ie she tells you she needs space and lets you hop around her wondering what is going on).

Perhaps the talk of moving in together, coupled with the wedding, has all been too much.

If I were you I would tell her you are sympathetic for her need to have space. But that doesn't mean you are prepared to wait around like a lost puppy while she finds herself. She has a responsibility to you to be upfront and frank about what she wants. If its that she doesn't want to be together anymore, well you will be very sad as you love her, but you would rather know straight off so that you know where you stand.

If she does want to stay together but has worries about the relationship ie too intense, worried about too much too soon, then fine, lets talk about it together. You can share your own worries too!

Xollob Fri 27-Sep-13 18:39:43

btw I think you are right Marmite that if she was fairly sure she was going to dump you, should would have done it after the text. She's possibly trying to find out how much she misses you and whether you mean to her what her friend's husband does to her friend.

I would also question 'his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with' - really? I have been happily married for a very long time and love my husband very much, but I do have other concerns than my husband's comfort and happiness - like my children's, and mine, for starters. I suspect your girlfriend's friend was not being literal (unless she is completely without ego), so your girlfriend is benchmarking against something unlikely to be true.

mrsmindcontrol Sat 28-Sep-13 15:39:14

Any update OP?

Sparklysilversequins Sat 28-Sep-13 16:15:39

She's not wondering if she misses him at all! She's hoping that if she ignores him long enough he will go away quietly and she won't have to have the awkward conversation.

SweetSeraphim Sat 28-Sep-13 18:10:47

Yes, I agree with sparkly. Bin her off, OP, she's messing with you. Unfair.

Lweji Sat 28-Sep-13 18:41:06

Honestly, I think you should end this now if she hasn't yet.

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Sep-13 19:25:10

I really don't think you should contact her again. She needs to know that if she's made the decision to pull back, you will just let her do it and not try to persuade her into changing her mind.

Some of the people on here have been very harsh.

I feel for you, OP. You were thinking your relationship was great and then without warning she implied it wasn't and disappeared. Anyone would be upset by that. Personally I think you shouldn't have sent the text.

Xollob Sat 28-Sep-13 19:39:04

I think people are being harsh too. I disagree she should be binned now - it's only been six days ... far too soon to start saying she is deliberately messing OP around.

SweetSeraphim Sat 28-Sep-13 19:43:09

Look. If I was seeing someone for a YEAR, and then they said they wanted some space hmm and then didn't contact me for a week? I would know my answer, and I would get rid before they got rid of me. To me, 'space' means - fuck off, I want to be on my own.

mrsmindcontrol Sat 28-Sep-13 19:56:04

I don't think anyone is being harsh, they're simply telling OP what he doesn't want to hear.
After a years worth of relationship, it is downright disrespectful to take a week out leaving the OP hanging. For those of you who think a week is not that long, I can assure you that a week would feel like a lifetime if they were left dangling like that.
Regardless of what the GF's ultimate intention is, she had shown a total lack of regard for the OP's feelings.

And, for the record, I feel enormously sad for the OP. Really, I do.

pdfan Sat 28-Sep-13 19:57:06

But you've been with this person for a year nearly, you feel you know her really well by now. You've been seeing her regularly, feel really close to her. You've had affection and warmth from her, companionship, intimate conversations, sex...
You've had high hopes that you're going to be together permanently. She's very very special to you. You want her so much. You love her! It's really really hard just to think, "that's the end" The finality of that is too awful to contemplate.It's the last thing you want to happen. That would be a disaster. You know it won't be you who'll end this no matter what. You're beyond caring about your dignity or pride or your self respect. They don't matter, nothing matters... you just want her! You long to see her smiling face again. You'll do anything to get her back.

Why won't she contact you, for God's sake? What is she doing right now? Where is she? Is she with anyone? You're in torment.
You're clinging on desperately to the hope it just isn''t the end. You can hardly believe it could be. Maybe it can all be sorted out soon and things will be back to normal. Your optimistic little thought comforts you for a fleeting moment.
The reality of being without her so suddenly and unexpectedly is almost unthinkable. The world felt a far nicer place with her than without her. If only she'd come back to you your world would be transformed back to what it was before.
You just feel she's irreplaceable, that you can hardly live without her. You want all this to be a bad dream....

You tell yourself there's still a chance. No-one can deny it. You feel she's treated you so cruelly but you're incapable of taking a stance and ending it yourself. The finality of that is just too unbearable. You simply can't do anything of the sort.
You feel so shocked, upset and miserable right now. You'll have to be absolutely forced to accept it really is the end. She'll have to tell you, not you her. If she just comes back you'll forgive her, of course you will! You'll forgive her a thousand times!
At the moment you just want to hang on to any tiny shreds of hope that there are.

The harsh reality of having to live without her, without hearing her lovely voice ever again, feeling her physical nearness, her touch, her scent... is opening before you like a dark chasm, a nightmare. The world will feel so cold and bleak without her by your side. You don't want to be in that world. It will be meaningless, almost alien. You've lost interest in all the things you used to like to do. You've no interest even in eating. You don't get any comfort from anything any more. You're in agony with the pain of it all and completely wrapped up in it. You don't even believe but you pray.... again and again.
And you still daren't admit to yourself it could really be the end....

I've been there sad

mrsmindcontrol Sat 28-Sep-13 19:59:58

Great post pdfan. Me too sadly hmm

SweetSeraphim Sat 28-Sep-13 20:00:21

I do too mrsmindcontrol

It's totally out of order. If this was a woman posting this about a man, I would say exactly the same.

mrsmindcontrol Sat 28-Sep-13 20:14:04

Quite right, sweetseraphim. That said, OP has been quiet the last few days so maybe all is well again in his world.
Let's hope so.

lurkinglorna Sat 28-Sep-13 20:53:11

pdfan

I think what's makes me a bit hmm about that approach is it’s basically not treating the other as an independent being with their own (which is a prelude for turning oneself bitter or weird or stalky).

There’s no actual self awareness, reads like you’re projecting some adolescent Mills and Boon fantasy onto some woman (and nothing about what SHE wants - it's not HER you're thinking of, but the "image you've built up of her")?

It’s emotionally wanking, you're the only one in this great love affair you're convinced exists. And speaking of love, it's more "me me ME what about MY needs" than actually wanting a good outcome for the person you're allegedly in love with.

People like that are scary to interact with IRL, because they won’t listen to “hints” and will insist on seeing what they want to see.

Sparklysilversequins Sat 28-Sep-13 20:55:26

Agree with lurkinglorna.

I am afraid PDFan's post gave me the right creeps.

pdfan Sat 28-Sep-13 21:23:27

Ok, fair enough. Being very much in love with someone to the extent that they become crucial for your happiness and you're besotted can become a kind of mental illness.

You're sometimes better not to get afflicted!
There's a lot to be said for always being self sufficient and strong, not depending too much on anyone to give meaning to your life, not even your partner, because you know you could be happy and achieve worthwhile goals on your own, if it ever came to that, even although you're living happily with someone.
That way you remain stable and sane and can cope with anything life throws at you.

Hopefully, that attitude doesn't give you the creeps smile

LessMissAbs Sat 28-Sep-13 21:25:06

pdfan's post comes across as an insight into the mind of a potential bunny boiler/stalker.

I really find the sense of perspective in this thread missing at times. If it was a woman who had been in a short term (1 year fgs!) non-live in relationship with a man, who told her she wanted space, and she harped on in the manner of the OP, most posters would be telling her to move on, to forget him, he probably had someone else and wasn't worth it, etc, etc..

Likewise, if a woman had announced she intended to get married to her boyfriend of slightly less than a year, she would be told she was jumping the gun.

Because its a woman who has come out with the needing space line, so many have assumed she is a games player/unreliable/doesn't know what she wants/is missing out on a good man. Because all women must want nothing else in life to get married, asap, to the first man they meet who will have them.

pdfan Sat 28-Sep-13 21:40:05

an insight into the mind of a potential bunny boiler/stalker

You can feel crazy about someone but would simply never dream of stalking them.

It's only abnormal people who would do that. That is something else entirely.

As for being besotted, loving someone like crazy, you get over it. In the end, nobody's worth that, neither man nor woman.

mrsmindcontrol Sat 28-Sep-13 21:56:13

LesMiss.....please don't think you're speaking for me in suggesting that I think women all want marriage, babies & stability. Far from it.

I am frankly staggered that anyone thinks that OP's GF is being anything other than disrespectful. That's what my issue is about- the need for 2 people in a relationship to have respect for each other.

SweetSeraphim Sat 28-Sep-13 22:03:40

Exactly!! I'm a fully paid up bra burning feminist, it's everything to do with respect.

SweetSeraphim Sat 28-Sep-13 22:04:34

Put it this way - if it was my best friend doing this to someone they had been seeing for a year, I would think she was behaving badly.

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 18:59:08

Still no news OP? Does she know you are on nights? I think in the next week I would now be wondering what is going on and expecting some communication or asking questions.

Marmite77 Sun 29-Sep-13 20:20:29

She got in touch tonight as I was leaving for work, aired how I was and was I busy as she was going to give me a call.

Told her I was leaving for work, asked how she was etc, exchanged a couple of nice texts and are talking in the week. can't do tomorrow as she is at a friend's after work.

fingers crossed

mrsmindcontrol Sun 29-Sep-13 20:30:30

Do update us Marmite. I hope she's sorry for what she's put you through. In my view, that should be the starting point of any discussion.

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 20:30:54

That's good - I'm glad she's been in touch. Do you think if it had been bad news she would have just wanted to get it out of the way sooner, before going to friends?

BitOutOfPractice Sun 29-Sep-13 20:47:52

Hello op. Glad she contacted you. Hope you feel a bit calmer. What a long time she's kept you hanging.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't be going round a friends tomorrow. I'd be trying to sort this. And I agree that an apology from her has to be the starting point.

Do update. I'm strangely over invested in this

sounds strange. i'd be a lot more guarded after this. people who blow hot and cold / exhausting dramas means you don't know where you stand with them. at best, manipulative, at worst, abusive.

take care of yourself.

Marmite77 Sun 29-Sep-13 21:03:40

her and the friend have had long standing plans for the Tuesday and she did try to speak to me tonight so I'm not overly bothered about that.

I've got stuff at her house and she's got stuff at mine so if this was role reversal and I was ending things I'd have said we need to talk can I come over? then taken the other persons stuff to their house so I could finish things, both get our stuff back and then leave, I wouldn't be doing it on the phone then have to deal with the situation again in person. unnecessary.

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 21:09:06

That's true actually BitOutOf - why is she going to a friend's house rather than sorting this first? So had she left one free slot tonight and expected to contact you then?

Was she hoping to finish it tonight and cheer herself up tomorrow with her friend? If she had said she wanted to resume things tonight, wouldn't you have wanted to see each other tomorrow?

Don't want to spoil tonight's positivity Marmite but I'd be prepared for bad news and anything else is good news?

Does anyone else think that Marmite should ask her to cancel the friend and explain herself tomorrow rather than keeping him hanging on?

schmee Sun 29-Sep-13 21:10:26

I think it's perfectly normal after a year - and with the context of the weddings - to start to reevaluate your relationship. What is unreasonable is for her to ask for an indefinite amount of "space" without putting a timescale on it.

In your position I would put my cards on the table if you don't get any clarification soon: "I really love you and see/saw us being together for the longterm. I respect your need for space and understand you want to think about whether this relationship has a future. However I can't be in limbo forever. What do you see as the next step?"

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 21:11:33

xposted Marmite so ignore (though tomorrow's Monday, not Tuesday - I assume nights have caused you to gain a day and you are not talking about Tuesday).

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 21:12:34

Schmee you need to refresh!

missbopeep Sun 29-Sep-13 21:14:22

I think the delay and putting her friend first is significant.

I also think that she may Marmite have an inkling of your work schedule after a year and wonder if she called when she damned well knew you'd be going out the door- more or less.

Another delaying tactic to give her time but test how you reacted when she called you?

Maybe you should have said 'WTF's going on' Instead you were all calm and collected.

schmee Sun 29-Sep-13 21:15:12

Xollob - sorry I don't know what you mean..

missbopeep Sun 29-Sep-13 21:18:45

she means read the entire thread- you're a bit out of date and just saying what's been said alreadysmile

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 21:19:03

Schmee - I mean you need to press F5 to refresh, as I think you were reading the thread before OP posted to say she had been in touch at last.

schmee Sun 29-Sep-13 21:27:24

Did someone else suggest putting his cards on the table and putting the ball into her court to determine the next step? Sorry if I missed that one. confused

I was suggesting a way to broach the conversation... confused confused

Marmite77 Sun 29-Sep-13 21:28:10

yeah I've considered all the negative possibilities too, don't think I haven't. All I,m basing that previous post on is how I would handle this situation myself if roles were reversed.

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 21:32:17

I misunderstood then Schmee - apologies.

Hope it works out Marmite - we're all willing you on here.

pdfan Sun 29-Sep-13 21:55:24

You should explain to her that she's not just keeping you waiting but also about 100 ladies and a man or two on Mnet waiting and on the edge of their seats as well!
She'll be so flattered to hear that wink

missbopeep Sun 29-Sep-13 21:56:32

In your shoes I'd be wondering if she deserved to have me. She's treated you badly.

Putting her friend first even if it was a long standing arrangement is not much of a reason. She's had all week and all weekend to see you. Just another tactic to keep you dangling and put off meeting.

If you have the balls, then whatever she says I'd tell her you were going to end it with her now anyway due to the way she has behaved.

SweetSeraphim Sun 29-Sep-13 21:57:15

Good luck Marmite Hope everything works out ok.

mrsmindcontrol Sun 29-Sep-13 22:06:41

What missbopeep said. Exactly that...word for word. Be strong Marmite.

Xollob Sun 29-Sep-13 22:07:19

Also (massively over-thinking here - I really need to get a life!) why can't she meet you after your work and before her work? It seems a bit unfair that you are the one who has to go to work after an emotional conversation.

pdfan Sun 29-Sep-13 22:20:16

When I came on this website a few weeks ago (by chance, honestly), wasn't there a huge long thread all about a man 'needing time'?
It was hilarious somehow because it turned out that it was a middle aged janitor keeping a much younger woman hanging. Not sure why that made it so funny but there were lots of jokes made about the hesitant 'janny'.

But the woman in this thread 'needing time' isn't funny at all. It's just plain worrying! And yet the two themes are so similar.

(Wish I'd never come upon this site because I keep telling myself I'll stop 'tomorrow', but finding it hard to resist having just another quick look. I think it's just curiosity about other people's lives. And the fact that they're real people and it's not fiction.)

oohdaddypig Mon 30-Sep-13 06:46:25

Good luck marmite.

I would run for the hills from this woman - for the reasons espoused by my learned friends above. There is no long term happiness to be found with such a person.

If you feel you do want to remain with her you now really need to cool it with her. Her behaviour tells me that she thinks she has you exactly where she wants you - ie dangling desperately whilst she works through her space "issues".

If you really want her back - then be less available and let her think you can live without her. Be slightly "cooler". We all want what we think we "can't" have. I'm not suggesting game playing - there is enough of that going on already. Just be less available.

However, from personal experience, I say that if someone is so callous with your feelings as she is now, she will never make you happy. Life is too short to be with someone like she appears to Be. Walk away, head held high, and find someone who deserves your love.

Lazyjaney Mon 30-Sep-13 07:05:44

iMO she's probably just giving the line a pull to make sure you're still on the hook. Shes hardly trying much to see you.

Let her make all the running OP.

missbopeep Mon 30-Sep-13 08:22:24

well said oohdaddy

when you love someone- as you seem to do - you want to think the best of them. You want to give them another chance etc. and believe that you/they can turn the relationship round.

But the odds are it's over so prepare yourself- and if it's not then you need to step right back and not let her dictate how the relationship develops from here. If she does want to carry on you'd be wise to say that YOU need some time to think now given her behaviour.

Xollob Mon 30-Sep-13 21:33:58

Good luck tomorrow Marmite - I hope you get to hear what you want to hear & that her reasons for asking for space are valid.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 12:47:09

Yes good luck tonight OP. I hope it all works out well for you, one way or the other

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 19:56:49

Was it OK Marmite? Has she made up her mind?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 19:59:37

Xollob I'm waiting too. As is my BF. <over-invested>

Funny how some threads just seem to get to you isn't it?

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 20:02:10

Very strange, yes. We may just have to talk between ourselves though as it's possible Marmite will forget to update and we'll never know ...

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 20:05:08

Don't say that Xollob! shock I neeeeeeeeeeeed to know!

mrsmindcontrol Tue 01-Oct-13 20:15:29

Me too. This has actually become more important to me than anything going on in my RL.
I'm not joking.

southernbelle79 Tue 01-Oct-13 20:15:43

hi all, I've been silently following this thread too . smile hope he is ok.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 20:29:48

mrsmind I know how you feel. Me and the BF had a long chat about it at the weekend and he gave me the male persepctive. He's asked for an update several times

We are officially sad

mrsmindcontrol Tue 01-Oct-13 20:34:00

Quite BitOut.
I should add though, that I'm not being a voyeuristic rubber necker here, although I'm sure it comes across that way....I find myself genuinely caring how the OP is & feeling very cross on his behalf.
Not often a thread gets to me like this one has.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 20:42:49

Oh God Marmite look what you've done to us! Also concerned ...

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 20:55:17

Yes IKWYM MrsMind. I feel so sorry for him. He seems like a nice guy

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 21:09:02

This is good news thought, isn't it? They may be er - catching up. If he'd been dumped I'd think he'd be more likely to be back by now.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 21:49:24

Or crying into his beer!

Hurry UP Marmite. I'm supposed to be getting an early night angry

oohdaddypig Tue 01-Oct-13 22:05:40

I think we care cos he sounds like a decent chap. Who can verbalise emotions. Is compassionate.

are you really a man?

SweetSeraphim Tue 01-Oct-13 22:10:01

I just don't like to see anyone having the piss taken out of them, tbh. OP deserves better.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 22:11:49

Decent - good old fashioned word - yes, he seems to be.

You know, I think it's good news - they're probably out celebrating.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 22:12:25

I don't think she was completely taking the piss Sweet, I think she was confused.

SweetSeraphim Tue 01-Oct-13 22:22:27

Yes, yes Xollob, I agree. But messing him about at this point would be taking the piss. She has to know now how she wants it to go. And he was confused also.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 22:27:18

I agree Sweet. Hopefully that won't happen. Poor OP will come back to his life having been dissected without him here.

mrsmindcontrol Tue 01-Oct-13 22:30:53

If he doesn't come back, like, ever....I can well imagine that I will go to my grave wondering what happened.

MUST. GET. A. LIFE.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 22:35:40

grin MrsMind

I can see you putting up billboards in all major cities: 'Will Marmite please go back to Mumsnet and update his thread',

BitOutOfPractice Tue 01-Oct-13 22:37:13

It's like torture.

I'm being forced to do actual work because of Marmite's selfish refusal to update us

mrsmindcontrol Tue 01-Oct-13 22:41:19

Good plan, Xollob. Good plan.

Meanwhile thousands of other MNetters are desperately clicking on the thread every time they see the post count go up, only to find yet another whiney request for an update from one of us.

extralazymum Tue 01-Oct-13 22:58:19

My dad had a girlfriend who asked for space in their relationship after they were guests at a wedding. She said she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

My dad was very hurt; he really loved her. He gave her space.

She wanted the big dramatic scene - darling I love you, can't live without you, marry me etc.

She started dating someone else (to make my dad jealous).

He met my mum. She was devastated when he got engaged to my mum.

My dad apparently should have 'known' how much she loved him.

She should have 'known' my dad doesn't like to play games with people. He's very literal and takes people by what they say. He loved her, she was uncertain and then started dating someone else. He made himself get over it.

She's continued to mess up several other relationships and it seems likely her current marriage will end the same way. Dad still has a soft spot for her but is glad that he didn't end up marrying her as he couldn't deal with her instability and need for dramatic scenes and grand gestures etc.

It wasn't very obvious to him at the time and for years later what a drama llama she is and how tiring she is to be involved with. She was a bit fussy and ocd about various things but that was all he picked up on. It was mum that actually spelt it out to him as he never understood why she dumped him if she loved him so much.

Dad is still 'the one that got away' and her greatest regret but I'm sure she'd had got sick of him very quickly if he'd reacted how she wanted.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:05:54

It's taking me ages to do things tonight because I keep having to come back here to refresh.

I think he's selfish ABitOutOfPractice very selfish bastard man - how dare he not put us before the rest of his life. Only joking Marmite, but where in the bloody hell are you?

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:07:16

He'll think we're all nuts, of course. Being new (I think) he won't realise this is how Mumsnet works - a few kind words from strangers and an obligation to update them as soon as anything happens in his life ... ever.

MagzFarqharson Tue 01-Oct-13 23:26:25

It's been her doing the wedding joking and was along the lines of "can we have this at our wedding" so not demeaning

Going off on a tangent and sorry to drag this back to last week OP, but I'd like to know what your reply to her jokey banter regarding 'our wedding' was?

Could these comments/jokes be her way of hinting she would like your relationship to move on? Then, depending on your replies, if she interpreted them as you not being interested in marriage, compounded by you both attending two weddings recently, might she be feeling as if you are on different pages regarding your mutual future?

Also, perhaps her admitting she is a difficult person to have a relationship with (apologies for paraphrasing) is her way of saying that she can't explain her feelings properly, and needs time to think it through, and whether her doubts are justified enough to finish with you.

If you haven't given her a solid indication that she definitely is 'the one' for you (again dependent on your response to the 'wedding jokes') she may simply not know where she stands with you.

Hope you have had some positive contact in the meantime, you sound like a nice bloke.

pdfan Tue 01-Oct-13 23:27:12

Hey, I'm a teeny bit jealous, Marmite! envy
Under different names I started two separate threads at different times here not terribly long ago because I genuinely wanted to talk about what are for me two really sad and important personal issues and I wanted to see what other women might think. I suppose I thought I am a reasonably nice, sincere guy and absolutely genuine.
But although the threads started off not too badly it wasn't long before things went from bad to worse and I ended up getting slashed to ribbons on both these threads! I was quite shocked and taken aback by the hostility and criticism I received from some ladies. The view of some was clearly that I must be one of the most horrible guys who'd ever walked the face of the earth.
So maybe I am.... just finding it a bit hard to believe/accept. I must have come across really badly anyway. It seems it's far easier for women to hate me than like me shock No sympathy for me!
I can't possibly tell you what the threads were about but I'll never ask a question here again! I'd be far too scared.
Mind you, I didn't have a nice cosy name like Marmite!

Sorry Marmite... just diverting myself while we wait in suspense. It's late now!
Sincerely hope it went well, but even if it did, the fact she can keep you waiting for days not knowing whether you're coming or going is a sobering thought. I know a little about such situations.

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:34:05

It happens a lot pdfan - don't feel bad. I think Marmite's got away with it because he hasn't actually said very much so the people that resent men being on here haven't got much to latch on to. Your style is a bit more verbose.

Plus, you actually sound like you are looking for sympathy and a lot of us spend all day mopping up children and giving sympathy, so we are a bit 'done' by the time we log on here!

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:35:20

.. I meant, we can give sympathy, but not if it's asked for in a particular way [I may just be speaking for myself here].

MagzFarqharson Tue 01-Oct-13 23:39:57

Well, pdfan, why not start another thread with lessons learnt from Marmite.

Use your current name and we'll all try and help.

Tip don't call us 'ladies' smile

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:47:04

You could do it here if you like ... doesn't look like Marmite's coming back. You have a captive audience! rushes to advance search

MagzFarqharson Tue 01-Oct-13 23:53:51

Good idea Xollob

C'mon pd, you're amongst friends, we can pass the time with you while we wait for OP to return with good news!

Xollob Tue 01-Oct-13 23:55:07

Have you had them deleted pdfan? If it's the same subject as KeepitHidden's I think you are going to always get jumped all over [bad choice of words] for that subject. Marmite's subject is less emotive.

Lweji Tue 01-Oct-13 23:56:00

Yes, unless you are being beaten up, financially controlled, emotionally or sexually abused, gaslighted, or cheated on, your children are nightmares or you or someone in your family have an illness you won't get much sympathy.

pdfan Wed 02-Oct-13 00:10:35

No, I wouldn't do it here..... not in the middle of a guy's thread! Never!
He'll be back tomorrow, I think, and tell you what happened. He's far too nice not to update you! He's either feeling very miserable or he's elated by now, I'd think.

You're a tiny bit right about maybe looking for a sympathetic listener. But it's not quite that. Tbh I seem to be often vaguely looking for a little feminine warmth and feel a shade lonely for that too. But that's bad bad bad!... cos I've been married for years and years! So I have a wife ok. In theory that should be enough.

But neither of the threads were about that anyway. I couldn't possibly resurrect them because people would soon remember.... and then bad things would happen....

It's almost certain Marmite will be on tomorrow. We must just be patient. smile

Lazyjaney Wed 02-Oct-13 00:14:38

Prediction time for Marmite anyone?

I reckon there will be no conclusion except an extension of needing space, and she will be carrying on stringing him along. I'd like to be wrong, but....

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 00:16:41

Patient?! I don't do patient! I want instant gratification!

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 00:21:00

Marmite won't mind - he probably won't be back. New posters often forget to come back and update.

Thing is pdfan, if you are feeling a bit lonesome in your marriage, it's unlikely that any of us being sympathetic on here can fundamentally alter how you feel right now - because it just won't be enough to fill that gap. Have you two had marriage counselling or anything like that?

pdfan Wed 02-Oct-13 00:21:19

They both got so bad and violent that they both got deleted. It was all out of my hands, like a whirlwind.
I never even got a chance to reread carefully some of the good advice and opinions I got. Some people had spent time writing to help me but it all got thrown away. I must have been reported - twice!.. I think. I never understood what happened. No proper explanation was given to me as to why they suddenly disappeared.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 00:23:17

I don't think she'll string him on any more. I think he was good enough judge of character (if a bit on the forgiving side) to have sussed her out by now if that is what she is like.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 00:25:56

How do things get 'violent' on-line pdf?

Probably a positive thing they got deleted if they weren't constructive.

pdfan Wed 02-Oct-13 00:31:43

Yes Xollob, we did a while ago. My wife is very happy, I think. It's just me that feels a lack of something. I wish I didn't. I won't explain any more here.
I don't think much of myself wanting feminine warmth from someone who isn't my wife. For a start, I'd rather be stronger than that! And now I'm best to say no more about things I shouldn't want... far too dangerous! I'm always weaker and more emotional late at night. So goodnight!

pdfan Wed 02-Oct-13 00:33:40

They got violent because I was being called all the names under the sun by some and being accused of God knows what... It got really nasty.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 00:41:27

Pdf I'd name change and start another thread. Mimic Marmite's approach though by keeping it factual, not too emotional, definitely not whiny, no 'ladies' or 'feminine warmth'. Better than that, talk to your wife without or without professional external help. Good night.

MagzFarqharson Wed 02-Oct-13 01:10:46

Well said Xollob , hadn't realised it was a 'my wife doesn't understand me' situation.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 07:09:09

For the love of all things holy marmite!

mrsmindcontrol Wed 02-Oct-13 08:03:21

Noooooo!!! Nooooooo!!!
This situation is the equivalent of reading a 12,000 page novel only to find the last two pages missing when you get to the end.

Maybe today should be the day I get myself a life.

Hope you're ok OP.

missbopeep Wed 02-Oct-13 08:15:09

Patience ladies...

they weren't meeting until last night .

If he's very upset MN will be the last thing on his mind.
He might also feel shame faced if it turns out we were 'right' about her motives.

On other hand he might still be shagging her senseless and it's all wedding bells.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 09:33:52

Do you think it's too early to start a national 'What happened Marmite' billboard campaign or viral twitter campaign then Missbopeep? grin.

It worries me though - if he didn't recognise that he had us on the edge of our seats and that to not update immediately would be nothing short of cruel, has he read her correctly?

missbopeep Wed 02-Oct-13 09:36:07

we could do....

I take your point but I think guys maybe see support here slightly differently- take what they need and no requirement to come back.

IME of MN there are often posters who suck you dry for support then don't update- it can be a thankless task being an unpaid agony aunt!

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 09:43:57

I am simply not prepared to countenance the idea that he won't come back.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 11:55:03

I hope he realises, if he comes back, that there is genuine concern and that we are not just rubber necking. He may just think we are very sad people with no lives - the reality is that I have a million things to do today but this damn thread keeps running and running.

You don't think this is another 'I want to lick my boss's chest' do you? I always fall for those.

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 12:07:58

PMd him blush. So ashamed of myself, but I can't bear the suspense any longer.

pdfan Wed 02-Oct-13 12:27:26

Don't be ashamed! Excellent idea.
Once we know what's happened we can get on with updating ourselves with what's going on in Syria, the stand off in America over the Healthcare legislation, the Tory party conference, Man U's game tonight.... just as long as he hasn't killed himself...! (A very silly joke smile)
But let's find out about this first!

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 12:41:03

I have never rubber necked on a thread before like this. But I am genuinely interested in how he got on and hope that he is ok.

I considered the PM thing too!!

Xollob Wed 02-Oct-13 13:07:36

BitOutOfPractice PM as well then - makes me look less of an idiot! [sorry Marmite]

BitOutOfPractice Wed 02-Oct-13 16:15:40

I don't think you can PM from an iPad angry

But I am tapping my foot here. BF asked about it this afternoon.

Marmite the world is waiting!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 03-Oct-13 10:54:20

Tut

Xollob Thu 03-Oct-13 11:57:48

I think it's probably bad news, in which case Marmite's whole future suddenly looks different I doubt he wants to come back to talk to a bunch of strangers when he's just lost the woman he thought was perfect.

Marmite, if you are lurking but not posting - I hope things are alright. I'm sure we have all been there at some stage and though it doesn't feel like it now, it will pass.

missbopeep Thu 03-Oct-13 12:08:02

I suspect he feels a plonker if it's gone belly up.

But be nice just to have a line to say thanks for the support and let us know how he is.

DeMaz Thu 03-Oct-13 21:06:21

Ladies, I've tried to read the whole thread but it's so obvious this woman met someone else during that 'funny' episode. If you claim you love someone you don't go for days without contacting them.

She's been very naughty!!!!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 03-Oct-13 21:21:37

Damn you dmaz! I nearly choked on my wine when I saw a new post on this thread blush

DeMaz Thu 03-Oct-13 21:30:37

So sorry...... I hope we get an update soon...

Ok, as you were! I'll piss off now.....

oohdaddypig Thu 03-Oct-13 21:56:43

Christ OP - what the heck is happening? I've been wondering all day!

<considers worldwide appeal for news. And how to get a life>

oohdaddypig Thu 03-Oct-13 21:57:49

Ah just saw previous thread. Sorry, i will fuck off the thread now

What if he doesn't return???

DeMaz Thu 03-Oct-13 22:17:42

We'll make him return! I will camp outside his house if I have to!

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:02:23

Anyone else feeling cynical about this thread? There are a lot of people on Mnet who are that word beginning with 't' that we are not allowed to say.

LessMissAbs Fri 04-Oct-13 23:30:19

You're not suggesting you get posters who act out long held fantasies for gratification are you Xollob?! ;-)

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:33:52

Wouldn't dream of it LessMiss ;-)

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:34:24

There are some feckin' freaks on here these days.

SweetSeraphim Fri 04-Oct-13 23:36:50

What would be the point though?

Xollob Fri 04-Oct-13 23:49:34

Some people get kicks out of this sort of thing. Quite sad really.

pdfan Sat 05-Oct-13 00:01:35

But why wouldn't you just continue to believe that he got the advice and opinions he wanted? Possibly, things didn't go well and she told him they're finished, so that's it.
He's upset maybe but no longer needs advice here since he's no longer puzzled as he knows now; sees no need to come back and update the world on what was said privately between them and has now moved on, not feeling the need or simply not bothering to thank anyone for their support.

Why would you not just assume that, as you probably did up till now?
And the same would apply if things went well.

What has changed to make you think of a t----? All that's happened is that more time has passed.

Anyone who'd make up such a detailed scenario with no other motive than for their pleasure in fooling people would be either mentally ill, or else an aspiring novelist trying an idea for an episode in a book maybe to gauge potential readers' reaction to it?

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 00:06:00

I think you got it in your last para pdfan. Been here before plus some.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 02:09:20

Sounds like there is someone else she may be thinking about, ask her. It also sounds like she's got a thing for you but you're too available, you always want the sweeties on the top shelf. Play it cool, don't be around 24/7 for her, she'll hate not knowing what you're up to without her. Good luck.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 10:00:45

I've decided there's something not quite right between me and this thread. Something I can't quite put my finger on. Anyway I've decided I need some space from it wink

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 10:06:35

Why are you all hanging around for so long gagging for updates ?

There are hundreds of other similar threads that just end abruptly with no conclusion

I wonder what is different about this one ? hmm

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:11:55

Anyfucker....ha,ha!

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:27:01

You get very paranoid on this sight, especially if you're having to deal with tapped people in your everyday life.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 10:31:29

I've asked myself the same AF. Dunno. It just struck a chord with me. Indulge us.

Lucca22 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:48:40

Like I said......ha, ha mmmmmm!

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 11:32:49

AF I wonder what is different about this one ? hmm

Errr....because it was from a guy?

I am not 100% sure he was genuine though he was clearly articulate and able to express his feelings.

But he was also very defensive when anyone ( me) started pointing out the possible flaws in this 'wonder woman' he was dating.

So either he was :
-a troll
-she's not come back and he can't admit some of us were right
-they are blissfully happy and he doesn't need MN.

Not everyone makes talking to strangers on the web a full time occupation so maybe he's just getting on with life and talking to real people!

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 11:58:58

I'm not sure it was because he was a guy - I have seen plenty of other threads in relationships where people were hanging and kept returning. I think it's because it was simple, but interesting - very much like the other threads recently 'why do I want to lick my boss's chest' is one, but genuine ones too like the lady who found herself falling for a friend who had been widowed, or the other lady who had to rearrange her furniture so her friend had to sit on the sofa with her, or the lady who went out with her builder.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 17:26:39

Yes yes miss I'm so desperate for male attention that I've been hanging round this thread to get it.

Do you know, I'm interested because it was from a human being I felt engaged with. I couldn't care less if it was a man, woman or unicorn

Punkatheart Sat 05-Oct-13 17:39:05

i think the OP sounded very female. I would love to be proved wrong and find that it was a very emotionally intelligent man, that the whole thing was genuine and that he has been helped in some way...

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 17:47:46

I only scrolled back as far as 1st Oct on my phone. Today is the 5th, so at least 4 days since the Op responded. 'nuff said.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's rather sweet you are looking out for him. I don't see you guys on other threads where the (female) OP is in absolutely desperate circumstances though.

However, I am not the thread police. It's up to you. It just struck me as worth mentioning because what we normally see on here is men being treated differently in a negative fashion. This thread is an example of how that is simply not the case.

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 18:25:14

Bit I wasn't inferring you needed male attention-you've inferred that all by yourself grin
I was implying that a lot of women like to help guys who come along here because they are a rarity- nothing to do with needing male attention.

I also wonder if the poster was a man- I've known some very articulate men who could write like the poster did- but they are few and far between and the writing is very much 'feminine'. I did wonder if someone had changed the genders for the post so as not to attract stereotypical responses.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 18:28:30

AF you need to read more carefully then because I am

Miss you said we were only concerned about him because he's a man. Not true. Well at least not in my case.

AnyFucker Sat 05-Oct-13 18:32:02

Not looking for a row, bit honestly. And when I say "you guys" I don't mean anyone personally. I simply mean in general you don't find women's threads being kept going this long with no response from the OP. And time and time again I see some properly distressed women not getting the responses they deserve.

Missbopeep Sat 05-Oct-13 18:45:05

I didn't say that Bit I said his posts provoked interest because he was a man and IME men's posts tend to have a certain 'following' on MN, some of the time.

this is not the same as saying posters on men's threads are some kind of forum groupies- which is what you thought I was saying.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 05-Oct-13 18:45:50

I don't respond to every thread. Just the ones that I feel I have something specific to contribute. Or that strike a particular chord with me. For whatever reason. I don't have the time, expertise, emotional energy or frankly the obligation to answer every Relationships thread. No matter who posts them.

Xollob Sat 05-Oct-13 22:20:33

AnyFucker I am on female threads too - maybe just before I changed to this name though. All the threads I mentioned above have left people hanging too. Just remembered the other one I thought of earlier - the women who went back to an army guy's bed and left her belongings behind - slightly more fun than this one, but that and all the other ones had huge followings.

I think what Marmite has done (apt choice of name btw ;-)) is keep it simple, not disclose too much - men or women who emotionally vomit on Mumsnet seem to get a harder time.

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