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You know when women's who have cheating husbands lose the plot and do something dramatic?

(152 Posts)
ITCouldBeWorse Mon 23-Sep-13 22:13:25

You know like burn all their clothes, or detail what has happened on FB?

And people say keep your dignity etc, do you actually judge the wronged women at all?

I cannot see his anyone could. My friend carved 'adulteress' on the bonnet of the car of OW and I have to admit I thought it dramatic and appropriate. Good on anyone who does feel like an ice queen, but I actually think it might be cathartic.

But to anyone in that position right now, my best wishes to you, as the song says 'you will survive'

ZZZenagain Mon 23-Sep-13 22:16:49

I would think it is unwise to overstep the boundaries fixed by law. I wouldn't recommend damaging someone else's property for that reason. I can understand anger, frustration and generally strong emotion but you have to be sensible about how far you go if there is a chance of being caught. I would say that is common sense.

GetStuffezd Mon 23-Sep-13 22:19:35

I would think it is unwise to overstep the boundaries fixed by law.
Yes, this. (There are plenty of devious revenge schemes that don't break the law.)
Plus, IMO, she should have carved shit into the car of her cheating turd of a husband, not the OW.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Mon 23-Sep-13 22:20:34

I think it would be healthier if she'd saved her wrath for that scum of a cheating partner, rather than let it be deflected onto the OW. I think that's a missed opportunity to direct anger in the right direction, iyswim.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Mon 23-Sep-13 22:21:15

grin X-post!

arsenaltilidie Mon 23-Sep-13 22:21:38

As long as it's within reason, who cares!
It will always be a funny anecdote in the future.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 23-Sep-13 22:24:39

The ow was her best friend, so it seemed pretty just to me!

I would not dream that damaging property is normally ok, but some people are in so much pain over betrayal I can only think yeah, he/she deserved that, not 'how undignified'

I like the sound of legal revenge though!

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 22:25:32

I had a mate who was cheated on. My mate ended up hacking the DP to death with an axe and hiding the body.

GetStuffezd Mon 23-Sep-13 22:26:04

My friend swears by taking a shit in a jiffy bag and leaving it in an opportune location....

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Mon 23-Sep-13 22:27:00

There's also the issue of raving and frothing in so undignified a fashion as to make people wonder less why one's OH would stray.

Plus, it frightens and further unsettles any children.

Short-term catharsis, long term embarrassment.

Unless if course you prefer to play out your domestic dramas in public and thus provide free entertainment.

CookieDoughKid Mon 23-Sep-13 22:28:52

No, I don't judge. I'd applaud. So long its not actually harming another individual physically!!

BOF Mon 23-Sep-13 22:29:35

And what happened to your friend, YouGotBale?

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 22:31:01

She now has a new lovely new lesbian partner in prison

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 23-Sep-13 22:31:14

Am assuming that is a joke!

FunnyRunner Mon 23-Sep-13 22:31:25

Can totally understand the temptation. A friend chopped her cheating ex's clothes to pieces. He phoned the police and she was interviewed and had to blag her way through confused Luckily for her they believed her version ('he was mad enough to do it to his own clothes just to implicate me!')

He was a shithead but I did actually feel a bit sorry for him over that.

meditrina Mon 23-Sep-13 22:33:25

If a cuckolded husband went out and decked the OM, it would still be breaking the law, but there wouldn't be the same social disapprobation that comes with a woman acting on vengeful impulses. Yes, it can bring a whole pile of further trouble, depending on what you do. But I don't see why cuckolded women should be straight jacketed into a different expectation of 'dignity' than the tolerance extended to men.

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 22:41:21

I think a woman decking a woman would be seen the same. It's when it's mixed sexes fighting that's more taboo

AllabouttheE Mon 23-Sep-13 22:49:02

I defaced his newly renewed passport. Most satisfying. As for OW she is such an ugly old hag, no justice need be metered out. Plus she got the wanker so she loses all round.

Violence and/or criminal damage tends to make sensible people think that you must have been an awful partner to live with, which is why the other person had an affair. It's quite likely to be true, as well - someone who feels justified in physically attacking others or destroying their property to punish them is usually someone who is selfish, possessive, unreasonable and controlling.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 23-Sep-13 23:02:26

Presumably it's cathartic for the wronged party.

I still find the revenge of Lady Graham-Moon very funny, she poured gloss paint on her husbands sports car, cut the sleeves off his saville row suits & left his vintage wine collection on the neighbours doorsteps.

She appeared on Oprah I believe.

Fair enough, but it's surely no more than an innocent mistake brought on by grief to wash all his clothes on a 90 degrees fast spin setting...

Spidermama Mon 23-Sep-13 23:09:52

I think its only briefly cathartic, in the way that fighting is cathartic at the time. Or shouting at someone.
Then, for the rest of your life you have to live with the consequences of being a twat who lost control and did a despicable thing. And why did you do it? Oh yes, because someone else did a despicable thing to you. Doh!

TVTonight Mon 23-Sep-13 23:36:30

You know Adulteress is so grown up, a Jilly Cooper character would write that- but if she had written the more prosaic "SLAG" I bet the OW would have called the police.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Mon 23-Sep-13 23:43:32

As long as it wasn't physical harm I wouldn't judge.
I threw xh's mobile phone out the bathroom window minutes after finding out what he had been up to. It wasn't particularly done in anger. He kept lying so made a grab for it, but he was physically trying to get it back off me. So I threw it out of a window?

I'm not proud of it but don't regret it at all either! I was just shocked.

zippey Mon 23-Sep-13 23:55:32

Im not sure if I agree with the edict that as long as no physical harm us induced then everything is rosy. Is it not often agreed that abuse is abuse, whether physical, emotional, to self or property.

Naa you're only harming yourself, its better to walk away with dignity. Harming someone or their property does not take away the pain.

WafflyVersatile Tue 24-Sep-13 00:01:44

Depending on what, if anything, more I knew about the people involved and the situation, I'd be inclined to wonder if she had form for that sort of behaviour and that perhaps the husband had good reason to want to leave.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Tue 24-Sep-13 00:02:50

I think the biggest revenge is showing you are indifferent. Holding your head up, walking away and taking control. Ex parrtners hate that. Thats my experience anyway.
Oh and getting a lawyer and hitting him with a bill is good karma!

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 00:58:06

When men are violent to or seek revenge on the men who've shagged their partners, no-one ever says 'no wonder his wife went off with the OM.' Instead, those violent and vengeful men are given sympathy.

When men get angry at being cheated on, no-one tells them it's unreasonable and it's better to be 'dignified'.

Few people (actually none IME) ever say to men 'Focus on your wife. She's the one who's to blame. She was probably telling loads of lies to the OM and he's got no responsibility to you - she has.'

Yet when women get violent, vengeful or even angry, there is no tolerance. They get called names that are only reserved for women, their behaviour is described as 'hysterical', they get told to be 'dignified', they are berated for feeling any anger at all towards the OW. They receive ominous warnings that if they show anger, mysterious 'others' will assume that this was their default behaviour before their partners cheated, so they had only themselves to blame for it happening.


My maxim is that it's fine to be angry, whether you're a man or a woman on the receiving end of this, but it's better to use that anger productively so that it doesn't harm you and doesn't endanger either person or property. Better to be smart about your anger when people wrong you and better to discharge it in ways that are safe for you and others.

It's the outright sexism about anger that I can't stomach. If I see or hear the phrase 'bunny boiler' it makes me want to scream with anger myself!

WafflyVersatile Tue 24-Sep-13 01:06:15

Don't know you you know but none of those behaviours from men are ok in my world.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 01:34:09

Anger's okay in my world. Revenge is pretty okay too, as long as it's doesn't involve the endangerment of person or property. I apply that equally to men and women.

I don't think everyone does though. Angry women are treated differently to angry men. I see it all the time in real life and I see it all the time on Mumsnet.

expatinscotland Tue 24-Sep-13 01:36:23

No, I don't judge as long as it's the bounds of the law. I found Paul Hollywood's wife's tweets hilarious! Now she just stepped back and got a good lawyer.

expatinscotland Tue 24-Sep-13 01:39:27

So you were momentarily a twat, so what? Who's the bigger twat, honestly? Someone you loved and trusted lied and royally screwed you over, and you're not supposed to show anger and 'be dignified'?

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 02:27:42

As long as its not violent. I wouldn't judge. It's difficult to understand how someone feels when they are faced with such a heartbreaking situation.

Many years ago my close friend found out her then DP had been cheating. As she moved out of the house they share, she got a bag of frozen prawns, inserted them into the holo of the curtain palls in the living room, dining room and kitchen. She then made two inconspicuous as she discribes it slits in the master bedroom mattress and slid two frozen cods into the mattress. She said she went to a lot of effort to cover her tracks. To this day she has no regrets. The property was jointly owned and he paid her out. Can you imagine the stench.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 07:15:43

I think one out-of-character 'mad moment' is perfectly understandable, largely because I did it myself smile 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' and all that. A sustained obsessive campaign of revenge... no... that just makes someone look like a nutter.

Ledkr Tue 24-Sep-13 07:24:49

Somehow I remained dignified despite feeling more murderous than I e ever felt in my life.
I was too busy working and holding my poor dc together for histrionics and drama.
Later in I was very grateful for behaving that way as eh and the ow were and still are a bit hmm and must have been shocked at my lack if reaction. (I was dying inside for a while though)

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 07:41:04

"When men get angry at being cheated on, no-one tells them it's unreasonable and it's better to be 'dignified'"

I think you've got that completely the wrong way around actually. I used the quote 'hell hath no fury... etc' earlier and I think society generally (historically, misogynistically) expects women to behave in an irrational and emotional manner under stress. We are weak and therefore all we can do is lash out as a futile gesture. There is an expectation that men will be angry in the same situation (the French have the concept of the 'crime passionel') or display vengeance or go the obsession route, but if you want a really dramatic and loopy response, that's usually the preserve of women.

ithaka Tue 24-Sep-13 07:49:48

I judge both men and women if they go completely loopy in a public manner just because their partner has the temerity to not love them any more. The people it is most embarrassing for are the children. I really admire couples who manage an amicable split for the sake of their children, whatever the emotional cost to themselves.

theunashamedow Tue 24-Sep-13 08:13:01

Dp exw did similar; she got charged and now has a criminal record; came up on criminal records for cafcass during contact hearings at court; presumably will for any future records check eg if you ever apply for a job or mortgage. How smart was that?
And yes there was a lots of "no wonder he dumped her" comments and her children were motified by this and other stuff she did eg fb and school nasty gossip, and it alienated (now our) friends long term.

Ledkr Tue 24-Sep-13 08:13:58

I don't judge anyone as having experienced the utter shock and pain of finding h out your partner has betrayed you and that your entire life is about to change, I actual believe this could bring about temporary Insanity or certainly make people behave irrationally.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 08:14:15

"just because their partner has the temerity to not love them any more."

'Just'? It's not the withdrawal of love that sends people over the edge, it's the visceral hurt, frustration and anger caused by what often goes along with it... betrayal, lies, secrecy, insults, accusations. Not to mention the backwash of crap that comes afterwards ... financial problems, upset children, STDs, isolation...

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 08:16:17

Ithaka I don't believe the majority of people behave in this way because their partner doesn't love them anymore. In my friends case she was angry not because he didn't love her he said he did and begged her to stay so they could work it out. She was angry because of the continued lying, sneaking around and when she initially confronted him, he made her feel like she was crazy, insecure etc. for evening think he had been fucking someone else behind her back. I believe when people break up because one doesn't love the other, but do it in an honourable diginified way rather than act weakly and get bit on the side to help them through, the hurt partner doesn't really get angry in the same way a cheated on partner does. I think people's reactions are down to how the breakup occurs or what causes the break up.

and you sound very graceful about it theuna hmm

LittlePeaPod Tue 24-Sep-13 08:20:15

theunashamedow sorry but your comments on this subject seem to contradict themselves from thread to thread.

ah I've now seen 'her' comments on the other thread

either hairy handed, or just an extremely nasty person

theunashamedow Tue 24-Sep-13 08:37:59

And hope your friend gets charged with criminal charges for car vandalism. Won't need sherlock to solve the crime with "adulturess" as a clue. She's a violent criminal and should be treated like one.

Dahlen Tue 24-Sep-13 08:43:06

Sometimes "behaving with dignity" is a euphemism for "shut up and don't make a fuss" because it makes everyone else's life awkward. To that end, I have no problem with people who have been shat on from a great height making their feelings known and refusing to sit in suffering silence. In this particular case, I feel the wronged wife had some justification in targetting the OW because the OW was her erstwhile best friend. That's a massive betrayal and could be just as painful as the betrayal by her H.

However, I wouldn't give any human being the satisfaction of exposing myself to a criminal record or reputational ruin because of their bad behaviour.

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 08:47:32

Bit of a pedant but... the OW is not an 'adulteress' by having an affair with a married man. She would be an 'adulteress' if she'd had an affair and was herself married.

And agree that she should not be the focus of 'revenge' - HE should be.

cuillereasoupe Tue 24-Sep-13 08:56:42

I think one out-of-character 'mad moment' is perfectly understandable, largely because I did it myself

This. I wrote some rude words on the bedframe under the mattress when ex moved OW into our house and our bed, so they'd find them eventually, by which time I'd moved on. Meh. He trashed my life and nearly stopped me having kids (had to have heavy-duty fertility treatment with now DP), a few rude words are neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 09:00:45

I started off simply intending to return them but ending up shoving my exH's beloved golf-clubs through his beloved BMW windscreen in a (very uncharacteristic) demonstration of anger... He didn't report it (probably thought he deserved it) so I don't have a criminal record.

cuillereasoupe Tue 24-Sep-13 09:39:21

Actually, thinking about it, I smashed a (cheapo) guitar against the wall in a fit of rage too. So that makes two incidents and tips me over the edge into "mad ex" territory grin

Leogirl73 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:00:19

When I was cheated on my husband was getting texts I replied to one of them telling her it was his wife and to go to hell , the cheeky thing replied leave me alone I will text who I want .... How rude ! Haha xx

charleyturtle Tue 24-Sep-13 11:07:05

Personally I think the best revenge is to just get on with your life and realise that if someone is willing to break your trust in such a way then you probably don't need them anyway and are better off without them.

Saying that, my friend did tell me about someone who after being cheated on went to his girlfriends house and planted daffodil bulbs in her front garden so that when they came up every year they spelt out "slut". I found this very funny.

Lweji Tue 24-Sep-13 11:09:58

I haven't been cheated on, that I know.

But, without a doubt, the object of my anger would have been my partner, not the other woman, unless she was my best friend.

Still, I don't think I'd want revenge of the illegal sort.

Much better to be happy without the cheating bastard than to show how affected I was.

Lweji Tue 24-Sep-13 11:17:09

Sometimes "behaving with dignity" is a euphemism for "shut up and don't make a fuss" because it makes everyone else's life awkward.

Probably right.

I'd still make a fuss, while behaving with dignity, because I'd kick him out asap and take him to the cleaners and cut contact as much as possible (bar between him and the children).

tb Tue 24-Sep-13 11:29:18

I was thinking of Lady Graham-Moon, too, and can remember that all the neighbours gave poor little diddums his wine back. Sort of shows on whose side the sympathy was.

MintyDiamonds Tue 24-Sep-13 11:32:03

When my ex lied and lied and then cheated on me whilst I was miscarrying, I had his mac book pro which he loved more than anything in the world. I ran over it in my car and poured water and oil all over it, popped it back into its bag and returned it without a word. Made me feel much better.

WeAreSeven Tue 24-Sep-13 11:53:06

No fecking way would I have given the wine back!

Hegsy Tue 24-Sep-13 12:06:57

I'm the scorned daughter not wife and I publicly ranted via facebook about him but when he won't answer the phone to you or meet you to discuss it like a normal adult you eventually loose your temper. Especially considering the girl was the same age as me and I had known her for a few years and they had both lied to me and made out my mum was off her rocker in thinking there was anything between them hmm needless to say me and him still don't have a relationship but I felt better for my rant. Especially considering now 3 years on they are still trying to cause dramas and arguements even though my mum has remarried. Latest being him and his nephew managed to convince my DB that my mum was getting lots of money for him(she isn't) and to move out to live with him.....he hasn't bothered his arse for 3 years but its just another way to get at my mum!

Although yesterday he drove past the shop(council bin lorry) my mum works in and gave her the fingers.......unsurprisingly when the lorry driver went into the shop to get their lunches and my mum was serving his up the salt 'slipped' mmmm bet that was a yummy lunch!!!

Mosman Tue 24-Sep-13 12:34:09

I would never break the law, public humiliation hit the spot nicely grin

Junebugjr Tue 24-Sep-13 12:39:24

An ex cheated on me years ago, no children or mortgages or anything like that involved. I found out, he did the usual begging for another chance etc etc, i let him think he was forgiven for a few weeks so he thought all was well, then shagged his best friend behind his back a few times, made sure he found out then dumped him. He was always paranoid about his bf and me anyway, for no reason during our relationship, so it was like revenge handed on a plate. I wasn't too concerned about OW as looking back it wasn't a serious relationship, but I can see how a person would feel the need for revenge against the DH and the OW, now I have a family of my own.

I would respect her more if she spray-painted

"Cheating bastard shagging skunk" on her own husbands car, though.

ImABadGirl Tue 24-Sep-13 12:48:59

my dp has a crazy ex-wife, he didn't cheat, we got together about a year after they split and I was deemed the OW (I really wasn't!)

Anyway she just made herself look absolutely bonkers, she even found my ex-husband and shagged him!

Even 10 years on she makes things difficult for him, goodness knows what she would have been like had he actually cheated on her!

FuntimeFuschia Tue 24-Sep-13 13:09:24

I chucked my husband out last week for screwing some lass from work. I have been clinical, detached and civil withhim. I have not gobbed off on Facebook. I haven't targeted ow or even tried to give her too much thought.
However. ..
He collects lego. Makes intricate models which takes days. He loves his lego and each figurine was displayed proudly out of reach of dc hands. It's probably several hundreds of pounds worth, if not more.
Every single piece is now dismantled and mixed up in a bin liner. It's not damaged, I've not thrown it away, its all there. I had a brilliant time packing it all up smile it doesn't change anything and it's a tiny inconvenience compared to what he's left me to deal with but it will piss him right off. Ha!

Helpyourself Tue 24-Sep-13 13:28:15

grin Funtime, I bet you enjoyed carefully dismantling it!

Lweji Tue 24-Sep-13 13:57:48

Hegsy, I think daughter's raging is ok. smile

And he's an idiot to give the finger and then ask lunch from your mum.
He'd have got more than salt in his food from me.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 24-Sep-13 13:58:28

I have a rule in life to NEVER piss off the people handling my food!

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 14:25:15

Cog as you say, the 'hell hath no fury' trope was always designed to put women down. I didn't like seeing it redacted on this thread, but at least you've now pointed out the misogynistic context. I don't think the trope had any effect on men's behaviour, just women's. It didn't introduce an expectation that men would be 'efficient' in their anger because if that were true, there wouldn't be so much understanding for men who (even if they don't carry out their wishes) want to 'punch the OM's lights out.' That desire to commit violence is tolerated, understood and in some quarters even expected. There can be fewer futile gestures than anger-fuelled violence but if it's a man even thinking of doing it, while there might be disapproval there's some empathy but if a woman's even thinking of doing it, she's described as 'emotional and loopy'.

I hate to see women's anger controlled in this way. It's fine if a woman has the presence of mind to realise that the best revenge is living well and so she discharges her anger in ways that are profitable and beneficial to her. Not fine if she feels compelled to suppress justifiable anger and contempt because of some misogynistic expectation that she should be poised and calm in the face of treachery.

As for the wind-up merchant, it's ironic that someone who is angry to the point of obsession about her partner's ex-wife, keeps invading threads to berate women for getting angry wink.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 24-Sep-13 14:32:53

I've not been cheated on so maybe isn't fair to judge but honestly, no matter how angry I was I wouldnt give my ex and his new bird the satisfaction to call the cops on me.

No man, ever (especially a cheating hound of a man) is worth an unflattering mugshot and a criminal record.

Way I see it is, how do you want to be remembered? as the bitter crazy ex who provides a hilarious ancedote at dinner parties your ex and OW go to coz you scratched "cheating cunt" into the bonnet of his car? Or as his ex who is now so, so happy, lovely and successful (in whatever that might be) that you make the OW feel really shit and insecure and she doesnt want your name mentioned within the walls of the shagpad she lives in with her "prize"?

Maybe I'm simplfying it. But my mother is a seriously bitter ex and honestly? it's cringeworthy to see how awful and twisted she is even now, more than 2 decades after my dad left her for someone else. Most people including me have lost sympathy now. Always vowed to never, ever follow in her foot steps.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 24-Sep-13 14:36:08

funtime THAT is the sort of revenge that is entirely ok! grin no way can it ever be deemed unreasonable, let alone criminal. Hello! you've done him a massive favour. you packed up all his shit for him so he didn't have to. smile

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 14:38:39

Amen, DSS!

conuniverse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:41:08

I once got revenge on an ex who fucked me over.

I let his work know he was watching porn on their laptop.

I dont know why I did it, the fact that he worked with kids, the fact he boasted to me he had made a female colleague cry (porn did make him aggressive) or was it just I wanted to ruin his life, yeah probably that.

I do wonder if I regret it or not, still not sure.

I agree with Leavenheath that women are despised/ feared/ hated when angry by society. I suspect his work were not happy with me for telling, espicially the HR woman who, on the phone, actually said 'Im going to have to write a letter now!'

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 14:43:55

I still think you're wrong. The stunts we're describing are not 'anger-fuelled violence'... no sleeves rolled up in the street or pistols at dawn... but petty, ineffective stuff like vandalising cars, writing rude messages on beds. It's the break-up equivalent of door-slamming - futile. And I think they're not only tolerated and understood but almost expected from women whereas a man behaving that way would be instantly marked down as a irrational nutters

conuniverse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:47:22

His disaplinary must have been sooooo humiliating grin and his reference was fucked (he was only on a 2yr contract so that would matter) so not that futile.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 14:50:40

Not futile in your case conuniverse but certainly one-removed rather than a direct confrontation... That's another thing expected of angry women. Slyness. smile

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 24-Sep-13 14:56:47

I think its seeing my mum make an utter tit of herself getting so wound up and agressive, even years later, that makes me think any revenge other than being happy, or at least pretending to be happy, is a bad idea. She has (understandably imo) been labelled as "difficult", "a pain in the arse" and maybe unfairly "no wonder her husband went and shagged someone else".

Yes, scream, shout, cry at your ex and throw things at the time you know when you first find out. But to think up ways and then act them out like wrecking their stuff, or badmouthing them to everyone you know makes you look a loon and deflects the ex's awful behaviour.

My dad was a total git at the time of leaving my mum but that's forgotten about by everyone bar my mother as he doesn't behave that way anymore. My mum's behaviour is remembered because she's not changed at all. Mellowed maybe but if her ex is mentioned you can see her totally change.

conuniverse Tue 24-Sep-13 15:00:05

He would not comunicate with me at all, after years together, he would not answer my phone calls, nothing, and believe it or not, I would have been relatively sympathetic and tryed to understand.

TheGerontocracy Tue 24-Sep-13 15:02:55

Years ago, I papered a 'feature wall' in a cheating ex's bedroom with his deconstructed jazz mags - this was pre-internet.

I thought it would be hilarious. It wasn't. It made me look (and feel) like a right nutter and to this day I wish I hadn't - mainly because he just wasn't the right man for me, and he wasn't to blame for falling for someone else.

I like to think that if my DP left me now I'd be big enough to let him go without a fuss.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 15:26:02

We must live in different worlds then Cog.

I have genuinely never heard a man's desire to commit violence or inflict damage to the property of an OM described as 'irrational' or 'nutty'. Likewise I've never heard of anyone telling a cuckolded man that his anger was displaced and that the OM was just as much a victim of his wife's lies as he was. Yet we see that trope told to women every day on Mumsnet, usually by fellow women.

I'm not saying that we should encourage violence or futile revenge gestures either, whether it's a man or a woman doing it. But anger is an emotion like any other and in my experience, it is considered less acceptable in a woman than it is in a man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 24-Sep-13 15:27:48

Cuckolded? Yes, we live in different worlds... Could I recommend the 21st century to you?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 24-Sep-13 15:37:04

I've never really understood this. People can shit all over you and you are supposed to bend over and take it up the arse with a smile on your face and a "thank you kind sir" (and possibly pay for the lube yourself too) otherwise you're in the wrong.

sod that. I prefer itching powder rubbed into their bog roll and their car sold on ebay for 50p. I don't much care for sitting up there on the moral highground, with egg on my face and the laughter of those who crapped on me ringing in my ears.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 24-Sep-13 15:38:11

egg on my face probably not what I meant. grin I was looking for a phrase that meant embarrassed and humiliated by their actions. Mine, I'd be ok with. grin

conuniverse Tue 24-Sep-13 15:39:45

Men tend not to get the 'mad' label, I dont think I have ever heard a man called hysterical.
I reckon its this descripency in how society ligitimises behavour when its a man but freaks out if its a women that I resent.
Would people feel differently if I was a man who grassed up his female partner for watching porn while at work with kids, I think they probably would.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 15:43:48

Cuckolded is a marvellous word which like all good vocabulary, describes something in one word instead of three or four e.g 'cheated-on partner'.

There is no need to be rude Cog to someone who is politely disagreeing with you.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 15:46:08

Hysterical is a derivative of the word womb which only applies to women i.e. hysterectomy for womb removal.

LtEveDallas Tue 24-Sep-13 16:02:53

I love the word cuckolded, its an excellent descriptive word.

After ExH sold off most of my stuff and emptied my bank account I squirted washing up liquid into his computer through the floppy drive (was brand new and cost him £4K...of MY 1995) and tipped a tin of white gloss "accidentally" all over the new living room carpet in the Army Quarter (qtr was in his name, so his responsibility)

I later found out that a very big friend of mine (big as in built like a brick shithouse) used to go over to him in pubs, pick up his pint and walk off with it. It was months before ExH actually asked my friend what he was doing, and my friend replied "Eve owed me a few drinks, so I'm getting them back from the money you stole from her" shock grin I had no idea it was happening until the furious phonecall later that night grin grin grin (and didn't bother putting him right in his assumption that I must be shagging the bloke)

I wouldn't do anything illegal (I don't think), but it gave me LOTS of satisfaction at a horrible time in my life, so I don't regret it ONE BIT!

theunashamedow Tue 24-Sep-13 16:37:35

Have to admit, the revenge by daffs is witty!
But look at the comments from the kids of those who lost the plot. My dss has been mortified by his mothers behaviour. Not only embarrassing but hurtful when as its been directed at his dad as well as me and has alienated him from his mum. Kids need a super mum, not a psycho mum! I kept control for my ds during breakup with his dad and am very proud I did and of how my ds is a happy loving boy today!
(And Sweetpea; please read the rules on troll hunting)

slug Tue 24-Sep-13 17:07:26

Junebugjr, a friend of mine went one step further. She shagged the woman her ex-husband left her for. Now that's a stylish revenge.

Ledkr Tue 24-Sep-13 17:09:04

My revenge was that they are stuck with each other.
He's a lazy good for nothing and she's a fat nag who is very suspicious as she's well aware of his lack of loyalty.
She probably now realised why I didn't do anything silly when he left me grin

CairngormsClydesdale Tue 24-Sep-13 17:23:55

My ex friend :-

i) phoned the woman's work (a private school) multiple times
ii) drove past her house a dozen times a day
iii) wrote CUNT in the lawn with weed-killer

Bad you say?


i) she was the OW, not the victim
ii) she was a policewoman

I'll give you a moment to pick your jaws from the floor.

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 17:36:06

Goodness. Does she also trawl internet forums posting about her partner's 'psycho' ex-wife? wink

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 24-Sep-13 17:53:37

Tbh, I don't think I would judge anyone for having an irrational moment when betrayed and exposed to personal health risk. To be betrayed by two people you love I think it is even more excusable.

Nor would I think oh he is shagging her friend because she is unstable, more likely I bet his wankery has driven her to flipping out.

I also think it is bad form to shag your pals husband and block her drive at the same time. I daresay her dh's car would have got it, had he parked there.

But I think people have these small acts of lunacy so they don't grab a gun and shoot them. I wonder if that happens in countries where people have firearms?

theunashamedow Tue 24-Sep-13 19:05:41

Goodness. Maybe she trawls internet chat sites looking for affirmation that cause she's upset by events in her personal life that acts of criminal violence are justified?

Leavenheath Tue 24-Sep-13 20:05:29


Ah I see!!

You think the reason people don't like your posts is because their husbands have run off with an OW, are unhappy ex-wives or are people who've perpetrated acts of criminal violence?

Not the case here at least. On any of those counts.

It really is a personal dislike of your posts and the way you come across in them.

I quite like the dismantled Lego. That's actually one of the best ones I've ever heard, in that it's non-violent, non-destructive and leaves the bloke the option of building it all again (ie it's really annoying and inconvenient but not irretrievable). However, I myself wouldn't want to let someone who had dumped me believe that I had bothered to spend that much time (pulling apart a lot of Lego can't be achieved just by jumping on it) evolving a punishment for him.

And yes, men are more indulged than women over this sort of thing. Men are forgiven for murdering their 'unfaithful' partners and/or the OM/OW. I think it's entirely wrong that people are sympathised with when they commit violence just because they got dumped. Sexual partners are not property and if they decide to leave you TOUGH SHIT. Suck it up.

LittlePeaPod Wed 25-Sep-13 05:09:15

Leavenheath You think the reason people don't like your posts is because their husbands have run off with an OW, are unhappy ex-wives or are people who've perpetrated acts of criminal violence? Not the case here at least. On any of those counts. It really is a personal dislike of your posts and the way you come across in them.

Very well said and I second this completely.

Can I also add that people can smell BS from ten feet away, particularly when you post on threads continually contradicting yourself/situation.

Cuckolded brilliant word. Haven't seen/heard that in a long time. grin

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 25-Sep-13 07:39:04

Is leaving the problem? Sitting down and saying look, I am really sorry but I don't want to be in a relationship with you any more, this isn't working, I have feelings for someone else and I want to be able to explore that...

Hurts like hell I imagine but it's honest, it's respectful and it's fair.

But that's not what happens.

Instead you get lies and deceit. you get someone looking you in the eye and telling you you're crazy, of course they're not going behind your back. You have a preexisting agreement for monogomy that they break without that being agreed and then lie to you. That's what makes people so angry. Having someone shag about behind your back and come home, hold you and lie to you, even looking you in the eye and swearing blind that it's all in your head, when all the time they are lying to you.

That's enough to make anyone want to sew prawns into their curtains!

It's not about owning someone. It's about someone lacking even the most basic human decency to be honest with someone they claim to love.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 25-Sep-13 09:05:08


Or at least do so in public wink I can understand why people lose it but it's comforting to know that you behaved as a grown-up after the dust has settled.

ALittleStranger Wed 25-Sep-13 10:24:12

Anger is natural and healthy. But revenge and humiliation is not how you express anger.

I truly believe the best revenge is living well.

BarbarianMum Wed 25-Sep-13 10:33:17

My friend's mum hid raw prawns under the trim of her cheating bastard husbands beloved BMW. Extremely effective and cathartic. smile

FuntimeFuschia Wed 25-Sep-13 10:35:20

Oh don't worry, I got bored of dismantling it about halfway through and just started throwing it in the bag. Lego breaks apart pretty easily especially if you shake the bag then launch it down the stairs smile

TheGerontocracy Wed 25-Sep-13 10:46:42

You don't demonstrate the importance of 'basic human decency' by acting like a loon.

Especially to a cheating liar, who doesn't give a fuck what you think anyway.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 25-Sep-13 13:45:09

I think when you've been crapped upon from a great height, the shittee can be forgiven for not at that point choosing to model to the shitter the importance of basic human decency.

The point at which that was the requirement was before the shitter chose to dive ball deep into another woman and lie about it / bounce about on some other bloke and lie about it. Once they've lied to your face and treated you like shit on their shoe, they've lost the right to expect from you the decent treatment they denied to you by their choices and actions.

That is just my view. It's not the law, (although I wish it was wink ) We're just all putting in our own opinions.

itwillgetbettersoon Wed 25-Sep-13 16:07:08

I think the ex wife is always going to be painted as a nutter whatever. Her ex husband will have lied and lied in order to justify having an affair and in the end he and the ow will believe it. I've not done anything mad but I can just imagine my STBXH having his head patted by his girlfriend agreeing with him that I am mad!

Chyochan Wed 25-Sep-13 16:11:11

I think its people who are denied any expression of thier anger towards what the other person has done to them that are likely to enact some kind of revenge.

Funny how many people personally know someone who did the "hiding fish" urban myth smile

Friend of a friend by any chance? grin wink

ImpOfDarkness Wed 25-Sep-13 17:59:59

it's comforting to know that you behaved as a grown-up after the dust has settled

Actually seven years down the line, I find it pretty comforting that my ex got to feel the extent of my wrath at least once.

macthecatsmum Wed 25-Sep-13 18:07:13

when ds needed revenge (cock of a bil was abusive) when she got all her stuff back she also took his collection of faine waines. she would steam off a label and send it back with a note such as "was alright in a stew" "had a glass-poured the rest away""drank 3 of these with....we got steaming" from various postboxes around the country.

Sleeptimenow Wed 25-Sep-13 18:13:53

My friend hid a haddock under the bath on the hot pipes when she went round to her cheating partners flat to collect her stuff, needless to say it gave her lots of satisfaction. I thought it was a rather inventive.

redundantandbitter Wed 25-Sep-13 18:37:46

I posted a thread earlier this week... Dumped coz DP has had a 'sprititual awakening' and wants to shag a yoga teacher he met at healing camp.., yes I am hacked off, disappointed... And I still have a key to his house (he has one for mine) and various other things he's going to need soon... But I used it to bob round there last week and leave him some M&S food, beer and a card.. I wA making sure he was eating but also reminding him that I am a bloody nice person who cares and loves him. Think he found that harder than a vengeful action., .. Though between you and me I haven't ruled one out... Just thinking of something... Isn't revenge best served cold?

ImpOfDarkness Wed 25-Sep-13 19:26:32

reminding him that I am a bloody nice person who cares and loves him

In my experience, he'll see that as evidence of you being a doormat and a sap.

cottoncandy Wed 25-Sep-13 19:44:34

When I was at school one of the dads left the mum for his secretary.

The mum went to his work with a big knife and stabbed the secretary many many times. She served a few years and I now see her in my local supermarket with her grandchildren.

AnitaManeater Wed 25-Sep-13 20:01:57

I've done a few naughty things for revenge. When I was packing his stuff up I threw all his Star Wars figures in a black bag and messed up all their guns and accessories. I also discovered a huge porn stash. I drove round to the OWs house where he was hiding and threw each magazine over the garden fence, I could hear her dog going mad on the other side, ripping them to shreds grin

Beccaloolah Wed 25-Sep-13 20:31:53

I texted the OW - YOU ARE A CUNT!

Three years on and I still see her around the office and she still runs a mile from me, avoids the toilets near me and even uses the stairs - all 22 flights of them - to avoid bumping into me in the lift.

He never left her for me. The exact opposite. I binned him this year (he also used prostitutes) but I do take a small amount of joy from her discomfort and I'm not convinced that's a bad thing.

Shenanagins Wed 25-Sep-13 20:50:48

My revenge was to hire a shit hot lawyer and hit him where it would really hurt - his pocket!

still makes me smile even after all these years.

WeAreSeven Wed 25-Sep-13 22:15:33

Becca, you work with the OW!shock Did you work together at the time?

Lweji Wed 25-Sep-13 23:24:43

Throwing Star Wars figures in a black bag is totally unreasonable! I hope they went to charity or something. angry

Giving back porn magazines is just kind. grin
I'd have left a package with a note.

BarbarianMum Thu 26-Sep-13 02:21:20

<<Funny how many people personally know someone who did the "hiding fish" urban myth

Friend of a friend by any chance? >>

No, I really did (do) know her. It was 20 years ago mind, so was rather a less well known form of revenge then.

CuChullain Thu 26-Sep-13 08:24:33

Interesting thread.

My mate (bloke) who got married earlier this year found out last month that his wife was shagging someone at work. He has thrown her out the house. Any (legal) revenge suggestions from the oracle that is MN

LittlePeaPod Thu 26-Sep-13 08:59:37

Barbarian the prawn an fish thing. It happened. She's one of my three closest friends. It's defo not a myth here..

TheGirlFromIpanema Thu 26-Sep-13 12:44:00

Redundant it certainly is best served cold and calculating grin
Bide your time and an opportunity will almost certainly present itself, hopefully when the revengee is least expecting it wink

Leaving something fishy somewhere inappropriate is definitely not an urban myth in my world, I have aided and abetted in its use more than once.

Neeliethere Thu 26-Sep-13 16:44:53

My revenge will be when she shuts up shop in the carnal sense when she realises how much more important he is than anyone else.

How much whatever he wants comes first and how much he will lie to get what he wants when he wants it. How much he will consider any reasonable request from the kids (two of them much younger than our) is just too much to bear and throw a tantrum like a four year old.

When he realises he's just changed the name and nothing else.

When it dawns on him how much difference it makes when you have a wife that was always ready to support herself and her family by getting out of bed every morning and slepping into work to ensure a decent income for the family.

And of course that he has no money because it all has to go to the first wife he dumped in the midst of his mid life crisis and the new one doesn't earn anything.

That is revenge enough for me .

DistanceCall Thu 26-Sep-13 17:04:05

About Lady Graham-Moon:

When, after 27 years, her second marriage ground to a halt, Lady Graham-Moon was determined that it should end in a civilised way. She and her husband led separate lives under the same roof while their decree nisi went through.

By her own admission, she had no further use for him in bed.

But she was then told by a "friend" that her husband was having an affair with a woman down the road.

It was, she said, as if her husband had pulled the scab off a wound.
So at 3am one morning she visited the house of his new lover, Amanda Acheson, and poured five litres of white gloss paint all over his prized blue BMW, which was parked outside.

She then returned to their nearby former marital home in East Garston, Berkshire, and took a pair of scissors to his 32 Savile Row suits, chopping a sleeve off each one.

Finally, she raided his vintage wine cellar and distributed the contents, including bottles of Chateau Latour '61 worth £300, to all their neighbours.
Lady Graham-Moon later said that she had been driven to revenge by that fact that her husband had been conducting his affair "right on my doorstep".

Sorry, but that's insane. Any way you look atit.

Justconfused Thu 26-Sep-13 17:24:54

Sorry but I don't blame her

I cut upmy husband's suits and favourite shirts when I found out. I don't regret it one bit. It made me feel better and it still does when I think about it now

To all those involved in fish-related revenge: I apologise for doubting you grin

I guess it's an urban myth because it really does happen a lot!

Mosman Fri 27-Sep-13 12:30:19

You see if you know the marriage has gone then revenge is ridiculous. If your in blissful unawareness and shagging him, washing his socks, raising his kids whilst he's fucking around then chopped up suits is getting off lightly

Mosman Fri 27-Sep-13 12:30:37

Your = you're grrrr

Lweji Fri 27-Sep-13 14:00:30

Who's grrr?


BMW6 Fri 27-Sep-13 20:02:33

I think the hiding the fish thing happens a lot BECAUSE it is so well known and so easy to do!

Not that I've ever done it..........hmm

Molly333 Sat 28-Sep-13 07:59:46

It's so hard not to lose it as in my case I was left with v young children him for another woman after being arrested for domestic violence yet he lied to everyone he cd find and said it was me , the lies r normal for him!

I cried and cried and one Rainey nite had had enough so I searched all his paperwork ( he hadn't moved his stuff out just him and kept walking in the house) kept all pension papers nat ins tax etc , then I left them in dissarry and packed everything he owned in bin bags out in the rain ! The most powerful thing being that he was OCD and would hate that ! He has now remarried ( another fool) never sees his children has an added criminal record since and has no job ! I hv two amazing children am at university and bought the house off him ! He lost

onefewernow Sat 28-Sep-13 08:30:20

Mossman, you are great!

theunashamedow Sat 28-Sep-13 08:40:19

All those who have been supportive, can you post on the "my ex is harrassing me ..." Thread, that its fine for him to do that because he's upset and angry about the breakup. (If you are sure that's your opinion...)

YoniMatopoeia Sat 28-Sep-13 09:18:35

An workmate from years ago found her oh was cheating. (no kids). She dampened all the carpets in his car and sprinkles mustard and cress seeds.

wow, unashamed is still here attention-whoring!

theunashamedow Sat 28-Sep-13 16:12:53

heart: is it your intention to take an OPs thread and make it about me??? but if, yes, so still around and will be posting on all vindictaive posts especailly those promoting violence against "ow" as justified.
as an earlier poster pointed out, its the logic of "honor" killings and DV perpertrators: "I am angry, that person is my chattel, I dont agree with your moral choices, so my violence is justified"
(cant help but chuckle at the "lego revenge" though...)

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 29-Sep-13 08:54:00

I would point out that my op was about something dramatic, not violent.

I think a scratched car, in the face of a family and marriage destroyed by casual, selfish sex is a bit different.

LittlePeaPod Sun 29-Sep-13 09:17:20

Op honestly ignore her. Most people on other threads are ignoring not taking her seriously..

no unashamed that's your intention and I was just being an idiot to give you the attention you so desperately crave

also, I know this one will get deleted but you really do sound like a total unmitigated cunt

LittlePeaPod Sun 29-Sep-13 09:56:51


theunashamedow Mon 30-Sep-13 07:53:17

As noted I will be posting comments on threads that dehumanise ow especially like this one that advocates violence against women - I am against violence against women and that's any woman, anywhere, anytime, for any reason. How about you?
There are plenty of threads regarding affairs from all angles and parties on MN that speak to the complex and difficult issues and feelings involved wuthout the kind of anti-female hate speech (the misogynistic "c" word for example) on this thread (and which you won't see me post on).
But the kind of hatred and violence advocated on this thread needs to be challenged.
Calling me names won't put me off.

LittlePeaPod Mon 30-Sep-13 08:10:50

theunashamedow at what point have people on this thread advocated violence against women. I haven't seen anyone saying "ohh go round and give her a real good beating"! You have got issues. Well done, you fucked someone else's husband and now he lives with you. Good on you. Personally I think that makes you the worst kind of women. You come on these threads pretending to be defending women when by your own admission your actions have caused havoc and caused emotionally destructive pain on another women. give it a rest. You are clearly here to goad other MNs. I have seen some of your posts and personally I think you are full of shit. You say one thing on one post and then contradict yourself on another.

onefewernow Mon 30-Sep-13 08:15:48

Unashamed, I agree that relationships and falling in love are complex. But lying and sneaking around is not.

Is damaging someone's car or clothes illegal if you're still married. Isn't everything you own marital belongings?

I'm lucky in that a) my mil would kill him first
B) I know my life without him with be 10000 times better without him than his would be without me
(I won't say the he won't cheat thing because I know most people on here probably felt that way too)

theunashamedow Mon 30-Sep-13 12:54:50

Once again, others keeping my comments at the top of the mumnet board.

Who are you?
This thread and the bickering is the first I've heard of you.
I've replied because it's a thread on a talk board. That's what they're there for hmm

VoiceofRaisin Mon 30-Sep-13 13:10:30

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"

Revenge is a self destructive action no matter how provoked you are. I would equally judge a man taking revenge. Some of the nastiest murder cases come from just that - possessiveness/jealousy of a (ex)partner. This is so much not in the pubic interest that the law on murder/manslaughter has just been changed to ensure that jealousy is no defence against murder and cannot constitute provocation in law.

Couples split so often that society cannot possibly condone acts of revenge in those situations.

theunashamedow Mon 30-Sep-13 13:22:27

Not you jayne - I was referring to some of the posters; one of whom can't stop posting insults at me whilst accusing me of attention seeking, and the ones about how I am rude and obviously a troll (and or a man: same one as commenting that "I f@@ked another womans husband. Is this anti-gay or is she just conusing herlsef. Not sure) whose only goading while calling me a c@@t... Anyway illustrates my points about the type of dehumunaising hatred directed at ow by some posters on mumsnet

theunashamedow Mon 30-Sep-13 13:23:59

Thankyou voice of raisin! Agreed completely

Bumpotato Mon 30-Sep-13 13:53:05

My mum she's a loon put fish through the grill of her neighbour's car. They had committed the heinous crime of repeatedly parking in front of her house rather than their's.

My ex worked abroad when we split. He'd been having a superb time shagging around and when he was with me couldn't, ahem, perform thankfully due to excessive porn use. He wrote me a letter which was mistakenly delivered to (and opened by) a neighbour apologising for his "porn addiction".

I donated his vast porn collection, which I discovered hidden under a hatch in the floorboards, to the crew of a boat a friend worked on in the North Sea.

He was back for a few days and I moved out while he was staying at our shared property. I'd left the place spotless. I nipped back to pick some stuff up, and the loo was in a disgusting state. The pan was full of grim skidmarks. I cleaned it. With his toothbrush. He was really fussy about his teeth and boaked at the thought of someone even borrowing his toothbrush.

Bumpotato Mon 30-Sep-13 14:01:48

Oh I also sold the stuff he left behind for much cheapness. I had about £100 cash which I put on a horse. It came in, 6-1, and no I didn't offer him half grin . He didn't ever ask for his stuff either.

Lweji Mon 30-Sep-13 14:44:16

I don't get revenge, TBH.

I have damaging videos of ex, that I could post to his family on FB.
They show how nasty he was, including death threads.

I haven't bothered.

I just want a calm life. My revenge is to be happy.

I did put all his clothes in the trunk of his dad's car in bin bags, which he thought was revenge as they were crumpled (old T-shirts, mostly). But no, I just wanted to get rid of it and reclaim space at home.

Juliaparker25 Mon 30-Sep-13 19:06:36

Introduce a handful of pea sized gravel into the silencer of his car, through the exhaust pipe out let ......Its rattles like buggery and is almost impossible to find. Engines will come out before the exhaust gets a look

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