Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Im really angry with my DP

(72 Posts)
AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 12:34:26

On saturday night me, my DP and our 2 year DD old went to our friends for dinner and drinks, we planned to stay overnight so we can drive home in the morning, they have 2 DDs and we always have a good night when we see them!

This saturday after the girls were in bed and we were sitting at the kitchen table, we ran out of booze! There was a beer festival down the road so the husband offered to go get some more, he asked his OH and my OH but they couldnt be bothered so i said id go! So off we went! We were about 20 mins. We came back to them both topless at the kitchen table, she was covered with a cushion and apparently they were playing strip poker, i kicked off a bit and said well why would u do that?! If you wanted to play why wait until your alone! I dont think they were up to anything but i think its totally inappropriate! I wouldn't play anyway by the way but thats not the point.

Her OH didnt make a fuss at all! So i just sort of carried on the night, i forgot about it until this morning and now im really angry! How disrespectful of my feelings and how could he think that was ok!

Im sure they were just having a laugh but if that happens when im bloody there what happens when he goes out without me!!

Sorry its long, just needed to rant!! Hes at work so im stewing and thinking off what to say, how would you feel in my shoes?

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 12:38:56

Also forgot to say he actually doesnt think shes very attractive so i dont think he wanted anything to happen, i jus feel hes embarrassed me, i know she thinks hes attractive as she bangs on about it a lot!

Yougotbale Mon 23-Sep-13 12:44:12

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you both have. Also, what levels of trust you have. It's up to you two to set your boundaries. I'm sure he won't do it again if you have told him it upset you.

edlyu Mon 23-Sep-13 12:51:01

I would think that she was the instigator of the game and she wanted to play(and lose) so she could show him her 'assets'.

He didnt refuse as he probably didnt think it would get that far before you came back.

She probably does this sort of thing all the time with unsuspecting males she takes a fancy to. Her DHs lack of response indicates no surprise to me. Maybe "oh we have run out of booze" was a ploy to get you out of the house so she could have her wicked way with him grin

Next time don't leave them on their own together.

mcmooncup Mon 23-Sep-13 12:55:02

Can we just get this straight....you went out for 20 minutes and when you came back your DP and a friend were topless (i.e. without bra) at the table?

And everyone was fine about this?!

CoffeeAndScones Mon 23-Sep-13 13:14:29

You kicked off 'a bit'?

I admire your self-restraint. If I ever did this I would (rightfully) expect my DW to detach my testicles with her bare hands.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:16:51

I'd think it was the end of that particular friendship and that I was partnered with an immature arse....

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:18:20

Exactly mcmooncup! I was totally shocked and everyone else acted like it was as normal as coming back and them siting watching tv.

I wont be leaving them alone again! They have low boundaries and think are quite open to sharing each other. Im not and im insecure, my DP knows this and thats why im hurt, im glad im not over reacting! But will keep it to a stern word instead of going batshit crazy at him later smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:19:05

Surely you're dropping the friends?

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:28:26

I certainly wont have us all staying together like that again, we are all part of a crowd of friends so think i will distance us from doing things solely (sp) with that couple!

I talked to her about it today to say i thought it was inappropriate and i was angry and she said 'she is such a shit friend, she didnt want to, shes so sorry' making me feel bad for sayi anything! So i cant be bothered with that crap, shes 29 shes big enough to say no IF she didnt instigate it! And why wack her boobs out straight away, she had jeans and pants on too, i would prefer to be in bra amd knickers than totally topless. My trust in her has gone, and depending on how my DP explains and reacts it may be gone from him too!

Wow. she's an unusual person.

TheGerontocracy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:32:46

Maybe it's time to tone down the staying up all night getting shitfaced with friends.

Now that you have three DD between you hmm

If her DH was really unsurprised, I would imagine that the hosts had planned the evening to go this way and further! your reaction probably shocked them!

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:36:51

Thank you but we were not 'shit-faced' or up all night, just a few drinks with friends, which obviously went wrong, we do this with them maybe once every other month, to be honest im not sure why im explaining myself, theres nothing wrong with what we were doing, just certainly with what i walked in on them doing! Which is what i was asking about.

TheGerontocracy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:40:12

Well then, in response to your original query, in your shoes I would feel that my partner was an immature arsehole, and my friends not much better.

I would also feel that maybe there are better ways to spend an evening.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:40:23

Maybe thisisaeuphinism! So i wont be putting ourselves in that situation again!

Its a shame because me and my DP are only 22 & 23 and all our other friends are still out clubbing! So its nice to have dinner parties with other couples and the children playing!

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 13:45:46

You weren't shitfaced, but you forgot that you caught them topless and kicked off a bit, until this morning?shock

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:49:09

Yes dione! Honestly i for one wasnt shit-faced! I had forgotten probably because considering what a big deal it was it was just whisked under te table like nothing, we also got up early sunday and went out for sunday linch with family then went home to sort out packed lunches and uniform
For DP & DD! So quite busy, It was only when i was telling my friend at the gym about my weekend that i remembered!

LaRegina Mon 23-Sep-13 13:52:28

Oh my goodness - how would I feel? Well after picking myself off the floor, probably launching myself at the topless 'friend' and then frogmarching my H out of the house, I would feel like my world had been turned upside down by the person I thought I could trust 100%.

I am amazed that you managed to 'carry on the night'. I certainly wouldn't have done. Your powers of self control and trust in your H are astonishing - seriously. What did your 'friend' say when you walked in? And wasn't your H terrified of what you'd think? confused

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:00:03

Laregina- its not my self-control more my shyness and insecurity, im not confrontational and when her OH wasnt surprised i questioned whether i was over-reacting, i do trust my DP especially with this woman because he thinks shes a but weird and unattractive. If it was someone he talked fondly of maybe i would have reacted differently.

Im hurt by him because him doing this without me there feels like he couldnt care how i felt when i came back and saw that or like hes trying to show that he can do/ can get what he wants when he wanted to, i mean if he doesnt want to sleep with this woman (which im sure he doesnt) why else would he do that? Unless hes just very, very stupid. We have been together 5.5 years, and i know hes still selfish and stupid, hes grown up alot in our time together but still has some to do!

LaRegina Mon 23-Sep-13 14:18:22

sad Ayeaye then if your H knows you're insecure he's being a double-arse for being so insensitive to your feelings.sad

Unless this woman overpowered him, tied him to a chair then decided to wobble her flobs at him against his will, he has no excuse for what happened IMO.

You don't have to accept this kind of behaviour you know - I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' - just that you need to not let it go this time. Make sure he realises how upset you are and that he's got a lot of making up to do. And find a new friend because this woman isn't one.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:24:43

Laregina - thank you, thats exactly why im angry because he should make me feel good not worried! And i agree he has no excuse, i havnt talked to him about it as hes at work! But i have text him to let him know im cross, if he says that he just felt awkward and knew i would be back any minute i wont be so angry, just remind him sternly what his job is as a loving partner! If he says it was just a bit of fun after a few drinks then i will lay in to him how i dont deserve to be treated so badly and be disrespected like that.

Yes, i do not think of her as a friend anymore. I will be telling him that going to their house in the future is a nono!

LaRegina Mon 23-Sep-13 14:26:12

And you could also ask him how he would feel to walk in on you flashing your boobs to one of his friends smile

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:30:39

Laregina i know he would say he wouldnt care he would just think it was a laugh! But thats because he knows bloody well i wouldnt do it! Think he would be very angry if he actually caught me doing that though! He has much more trust in me than i do him so doesnt always understand where im coming from!

JohFlow Mon 23-Sep-13 14:47:39

Strip poker - really?

Just between two - really?

On their own, without a motive - really?

confused

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 14:59:10

Exactly JohFlow, if it wasnt for his usual opinion of her i think i would be much more angry! X

honeybunny14 Mon 23-Sep-13 15:02:12

Omg i would be livid

CoffeeAndScones Mon 23-Sep-13 15:27:01

OP don't like to suggest it, but have you considered that your DH might be playing down his feelings for this woman? That is, if he keeps saying she's weird and unattractive, you won't be suspicious when something (like this) happens?

mcmooncup Mon 23-Sep-13 15:46:20

That is the white elephant in the room elephantsandscones
It is not uncommon for cheating men to hate cheating or for them to find the ow terribly unattractive

CoffeeAndScones Mon 23-Sep-13 15:54:02

Elephantandscones - I feel a name change coming on grin

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 15:54:15

I have thought of it, but no i really dont think he likes her too much! She can be a bit odd which is why we have talked about if we like seeing them, not just that shes unattractive, there also not very close, its more us girls chatting and the boys chatting or all together.

I think he was just being a prick trying to make me feel small, or he wanted us all to get naughty maybe! Maybe they were expecting us to come back and say waheeeey! Strip poker! Not see me going shock and pointing through the glass doors at them!

It's part of the script.
I have a friend who used to get her implant enhanced boobs out at every opportunity. I love her dearly but avoid all occasions with her where alcohol is involved as she invariably ends up pissing everyone off.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 15:59:04

Katie - we went to the races (without the kids) and she got too drunk and was rude and asked if we could go back and have sex, but i just thought she'd had too much to drink that night and avoided her, think it must be her personality and im better off keeping her and my OH away!!

I keep going to text her because shes made me feel bad for saying something confused but i think i should stand up for myself, i think she was trying it on with my OH, i will ask him if she was later! I think he is just an immature, insensitive twat who didnt even realise id be hurt by it!

BigBrassBand Mon 23-Sep-13 15:59:12
BigBrassBand Mon 23-Sep-13 16:03:21

I think your DP was naïve and you were clearly being tested for some partner swapping, I'd avoid them from now on!

bestsonever Mon 23-Sep-13 16:04:35

Seems like this was somewhat engineered by them to be 'not bothered' to go out for booze. I'd guess they perhaps they are into swinging as a couple and thought that this would be a way to introduce it. Be wary about your DP mentioning too often that he doesn't like your 'friend'. A passing mention is fine, but a regular reinforcement of his opinion is somewhat suspicious.
To find out if your DP was an innocent but stupid bystander or involved in the shenanigans, you could try asking him if he thinks that they might be swingers and see what his reaction is. If you can usually read him well it may give you clues.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:06:00

Lol BigBrassBand!

Yes i think they are shock i think my OH would be up for that too, but im not great at sharing smile thats probably why im the only shocked one! They were all trying to get lucky! Haha, freaked out and flattered! Haha.

Twinklestein Mon 23-Sep-13 16:07:31

I'm assuming the couple are swingers...

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:09:12

Thank you everyone, i am not so angry now, im still angry with my 'friend' for doing that or what she might have been trying to do with MY partner! And still angry with my OH for not just saying hey lets wait for AyeAye and see if she fancies playing! (Then i would have said nooooo!) i will have to let my OH know that i am not up for that so we are never in that situation again! We havnt ever seriously discussed it before

Teeb Mon 23-Sep-13 16:09:19

I get the feeling they might be swingers and it was planned that you and her partner would 'stumble' upon them in that state and hopefully would play along. It seems your friends plan backfired.

Jan45 Mon 23-Sep-13 16:14:57

I would be really mad about this, that's amazing to go from fully clothes to half naked in 20 mins. If you want to be angry then be angry at both of them, it's not all her fault, it's your OH too, total disrespect towards you from both of them, and yes, if he can do this in your company, all be it missing for 20 mins, I'd be wondering what the hell he does when you're not there too!

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:15:02

I havnt mentioned this yet to you but i did to my OH first thong sunday morning on the way home! But her OH kept trying to hold my hand and said 'lets go to the dance tent' at the beer festival while we got the drink, i said no we should get back! Maybe he was trying it on with me and her my OH! I prefer his way, it was very easy for me to brush it off, tits in face is probably harder to deal with!

TheGerontocracy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:17:44

Had they thought about what they would have done if one of the three children in the house had come downstairs while they were stripping off?

Your OP doesn't sound terrifically....responsible OP.

TheGerontocracy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:17:51

DP. Not OP.

CoffeeAndScones Mon 23-Sep-13 16:18:56

That's making this all more concrete then. Avoid. And work out if your DH is a bit dim, or into it as well.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:19:05

Jan45 - yes it was very disrespectful of him to be so blase (sp) about my feelings in seeing them like that, i am much more cross with him than her because his loyalties should be lying with me no matter what! Hers should but some friends are crap and i can get over her!

I cant wait to see what he has to say for himself!

Jan45 Mon 23-Sep-13 16:19:45

Mmm wouldn't be so sure he was actually trying it on with you - either way, I'd avoid these two from now on!

Jan45 Mon 23-Sep-13 16:20:59

Yes I'd say it was really his place to say no to her but hey, perhaps she was insistent and like most guys he didn't know what to say or do! Even if that is the case, he'd still get a right ear bashing from me.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:26:01

TeGeron - he isnt very responsible no, he is very childish, i love him very much but i do struggle with the snail pace it is taking for him to grow up! I dont want to be his mum and my daughters mum, i dont know about what the other couple think hmm obviously it doesnt bother them so much!

HairyGrotter Mon 23-Sep-13 16:26:22

I'd be livid, absolutely livid. Words would have been spoken there and then, no minimisation would occur!

What a cluster of cunts, your DP included

Yes, sounds like they are grooming you both for some car key action wink
Make it clear to everyone, once and for all that it is never going to happen.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 23-Sep-13 16:29:17

This whole situation is very suspicious op. If your DH dislikes her as much as he says what makes him go from dislike to topless in 20 minutes. And why wasn't he even bothered that you could walk in any minute. Also he was responsible for your kids when you weren't there, did he even care if they walked in to that situation. Doesn't that worry you more than anything? You should really be more upset with him than your friend. You can cut off this friendship with your friend but your DH will always find a woman if he had other intentions.

Yes, you were totally set up.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:30:36

HairyGrotter - i wish now i had said a lot more!! I would have struggled to leave as DD was in bed, i couldnt have driven and didnt have the cash for a cab, not that that is why i didnt leave, i just came back and sort of said wtf! Why would you chose to do that while we were away! couldnt you have waited and asked us! She said sorry went to put her pjs on and the boys were jus at the table talking! I just stood there for a couple minutes baffled! I thought i was over-reacting!

She is definitely...unusual. I can't work out what I think of your dp. He might just have thought, ah, cards, drink, omg tits.

Madlizzy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:35:10

I would have gone nuclear. I'd still be at nuclear level now. Your DH needs to take as much responsibility as the other woman as he's the one who you should be able to trust. I wouldn't minimise what has happened here.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:39:12

CoffeeTea- i am more upset with my DP, he doesnt dislike her, hes just not bothered, hes a bit of a 'lad' and prefers male company, hes never had girl 'mates'! we dont talk about her a lot at all! But we have and thats what he has said jus shes a bit weird and he thinks shes not very nice to look at, which i agree with so i do believe him, but she is nice and i talk to her a lot an shes a lot of fun.

Im upset with him for being irresponsible with our daughter and my feelings. Hes really let us down.

captainmummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:40:42

Ummm -I hope people don't think the OP was me, name-changed! This is quite spooky - never seen anyone with a name like mine before .

A nyway - can you even play poker with only 2??

Jan45 Mon 23-Sep-13 16:40:45

`Cluster of Cunts` - lol.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:45:04

Captain mummy - haha! Sorry, my daughter said this the other day when i asked her to do something for me! I thought 'yes finally a nickname!' Straight away smile hope you dont mind!

I dont play poker but i think they were just trying to change the atmosphere for when we got back, i bet they thought they were being clever. They should have mentioned the game and seen my reaction not just his, as he was obviously up for it ��

TheGerontocracy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:49:13

he thinks shes not very nice to look at, which i agree with so i do believe him

Oh well, that's all right then!

kalidanger Mon 23-Sep-13 16:50:07

You discuss the relative attractiveness of your friends and, actually, don't like them much? hmm

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 16:53:13

I dont judge her on her looks as u can see in the next sentence where i say we get on well and shes a lot of fun, i also said he doesnt find her attractive and there also not very close, im not basing it just on looks and yes he has said that to me when i asked what he thought of them after the first time we met up with them without everybody else, i said he had growing up to do as that was his reply!

kalidanger Mon 23-Sep-13 16:56:16

You said she was weird, repeatedly.

It's also funny that you imagine that no one ever fancies 'unattractive' people.

AyeAyeCaptainMummy Mon 23-Sep-13 17:02:11

Well iv come across the wrong wah, i was just trying cover all bases on why i didnt think he would be cheating with her, and i didnt say weird was bad! She is weird! I like her because shes weird! But this was a bit too much!

What a silly thing to say, im not bloody angelina jolie! I personally think a person is better lookig the nicer they are! But i know my OH is quite shallow!

Hissy Mon 23-Sep-13 18:39:03

I think they were trying to set up a swinging thing, which is why the OH wasn't that bothered, he knew it was going to happen.

Cosydressinggown Mon 23-Sep-13 20:04:37

Oh I really think she sounds like an attention-seeking dumbass. Your DH should have stopped it but men are rubbish at that kind of thing.

She must be shit at poker to be half naked in 20 minutes though.

I don't think I'd socialise with them again - they sound like wallies - and I think I'd be having words with DH about not playing strip poker with female friends - silly ass.

happyhev Mon 23-Sep-13 20:35:24

Are you sure the three of them didn't set it up together?

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 20:46:45

Seriously?! WTF? I would be livid and very upset if my DP had done this - I have a lot of respect and trust for him, we have lived in separate countries, I'm normally on the more laidback end of the scale on threads starting "Would you be happy if your DH..." (just to illustrate) BUT this is just totally inappropriate and weird IMO.

You know, if he wanted you to believe he didn't fancy her then of course he'd say he didn't find her attractive. Just saying. You know your DP, and if you are sure there was no intention there then I'm not going to overrule that, but it sounds a bit fishy to me that he's always saying how unattractive she is and then suddenly, as soon as they're alone, OOPS WE GOT NAKED, what a coincidence hmm hmm

I get what you're saying about being young and wanting to continue that lifestyle etc, but from what I remember of my period of doing that, there was only one motivation for playing strip poker types of games. Okay, not everybody had to have the motivation to join in, but someone in the room had it.

If there was to be even a slightly redeeming feature then why on earth didn't they wait until you got back with the beer and say "Oh, we were thinking of playing strip poker, do you want to play?"

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 20:49:37

The swinging scenario crossed my mind as well, but again, surely they would wait until the four of you were together.

It doesn't really set up a swinging scenario very well if one of the potential participants walks in on her DH and another woman already involved in something (okay I know they weren't doing anything) before she's even had a chance to think about the idea. Even if they are really creepy swinging types who like to worm their way in with fuzzy, alcohol-fuelled and heat-of-the-moment consent rather than open and honest consent, that's not a good way to go about it.

VitoCorleone Mon 23-Sep-13 21:09:08

Id have slapped the shit out of her and him.

LaRegina Tue 24-Sep-13 09:23:31

"I havnt mentioned this yet to you but i did to my OH first thong sunday morning"...

Just have to say that has to be my favourite (and most thread-appropriate typo ever on MN! grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now