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Just can't get my head at around how much stbxh is at "fault" (mh issues and amnesia) just keep going round and round in circles.

(26 Posts)
catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 19:29:37

Hi all;
Quick back story.

Stbxh been ill for 3 years.

Severe short term memory problems; mood swings, ,
xtreamly selfish.

He couldn't cope with family life.

Left us (4dc , 14; 12; 10, 8) a year ago.

My sis and his sis (my sil) incredibly interfering in his medical care v before he left. E.g. appointmenrs ,
second diagnosis, access to medical notes all staged for, then, dh without my knowledge. He couldn't tell me because of memory I problems.

Sil said a year ago " I will do my damnest (sp) to make sure he never comes home"

He's had a year of ppoison about me and our life being dripped in his ear I ( even with his memory problems stuff will go in eventuality )

I know he had been been lied to and suspect much , much more.

E.g. He totally believed his solicitor had told him he "was not allowed" to see his kids.

Only a Court can do this and only I in extern cases.
Now he can see his kids but of course ( due to mh ( has no recollection of previous "advice" from solicitor.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 19:35:26

On phone sorry

.......

Basically I can't know what is HIM and what is the influence he's been under and/or information being kept from him.

E.g. No emergency contact details if dcs are in life of death situation yet just received letter from solicitor asking for more Skype contact.

It's like "he's" two different b people

How do I "let go" ; "move on"

There is always this little bit of hope that "he" will come back.

It's like he's died but he's still here sad

Jagdkuh Sun 22-Sep-13 19:58:39

makes little sense! please try and be coherent.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 20:12:56

Sorry; on phone feeling quite upset at the moment will try to make things clearer

basically my husband has severe mental health problems ,very very poor short term memory

he is very easily influenced and has had a year where he's been basically poisoned by his sister and my sister against me and our life together

I really really struggle with knowing how much of what he he does is what is actually his wishes and how much is influenced by his sister and my sister

for instance he seems desperate to contact the children yet he doesntspeak to them for weeks at a time

I have no emergency contact details for him should 1 of the children become ill.

I have no way of contacting contacting him directly and I have no way of knowing if any e mails excetra actually get through to him

His apparent treatment of the children is appalling yet it may not be all his fault, this is what I struggle with,not knowing if its him or others who have influenced him

It's like "he's" two different b people

He's not he just one, who has memory problems, who unfortunately has a very strong willed evil sister who does not want either you or his children involved with him as that would/could loosen the hold she has over him.

How do I "let go" ; "move on"

I remember all your previous threads and I truly think you need to divorce him and break all ties with him and his sister. concentrate on you and your children and make your life the best you can.

There is always this little bit of hope that "he" will come back.

He won't come back, He's gone the man you knew and fell in love with. Would you consider speaking to some to help you come to terms with what has happened over the last few years.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 21:09:19

Oh im just so tired of holding it all together, I rarely post , just feeling so very low atm.

Sorry I'm not making sense, just looking for a way though all this mess.

I wish in some ways thatit was as "simple" as an affair (please don't think I'm in any ways minimising the utterly AWFUL situations of those dealing with ema)
Just that it would be clear cut so to speak

Sorry ramming again, not making sense.

In floods of tears at mass today.

Just so lost

RandomMess Sun 22-Sep-13 21:12:07

I have to sadly agree with wheredidiputit. I can see how heartbreaking it is for you and the dc but you need to move forwards as SIL will ensure that that he won't come back.

RandomMess Sun 22-Sep-13 21:18:11

X-posts. Please find a counsellor to help you through this, it must be so hard when your beliefs are "til death do us part" but he has already parted sad. I can only imagine how painful all of this is for you sad

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 21:18:55

I just can't get out of my head if years down the line he sees I all the lies , how he's been poisoned , and he sees all he's lost , the kids . Growing up etc and I not there either, I've abandoned him to it all

RandomMess Sun 22-Sep-13 21:23:18

Why do you feel like you've abandoned him when his sister has blocked your access to him and he has removed himself? That is what you need help to come to terms with.

Perhaps you could write a journal about all the little things that happen in the dcs life so in the future it will be there to share with him if things ever change?

It is an incredibly sad situation for both of you, you need to grieve for you, for him, for your marriage, your family unit, for what should have been had his mental health issues not destroyed that.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 21:37:48

I do feel on some level that I have failed him.
I should have been able to look after him and the kids , Ishould been stronger.

But it drove me to the very brink of suicide.

Someone else could have done it

But then I think what sort of life would the dc s have had.

I feel ashamed that I'm a single mum, that I couldn't stay married

RandomMess Sun 22-Sep-13 21:39:54

Please get some help for yourself, you have done the right thing for your dc, you have been very strong.

You fought very hard, if you had had support instead of wiful interference there may have been a different out come.

Please please please be kind to yourself.

Jagdkuh Sun 22-Sep-13 21:43:58

Is it an a.b.i ?

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 21:46:20

Abi ????

Don't be ashamed the people around you know that it not you fault and you did/done everything you could to hold it together.

Your really need to speak to someone about what happening and your feelings, and how to cope with what happening, and perhaps someone for your children to talk to.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 21:53:28

Wheredid

My sis has made my family think I'm the one at fault , only my friends really get what is going on.
It's just too complicated to ex plain all the time, to others or looks like I've abandoned my du just when he needed me the most

Hissy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:57:52

My love, for whatever reason, your H has chosen NOT to be there when lucid, you seriously can not have done any more for him, you really DO have to put yourself and your DC first and foremost now, you really do have to leave him behind.

Have you got any psychological support anywhere? therapy etc?

Not one person would ever say you haven't tried your very best, but you were fighting for a cause that didn't want saving. From the start. He has let you all down catastrophically, and not all of that was the fault of the amnesia.

I often think about you, and worry for you, because I can see that you still need to let go, but are struggling to do so and every second you are struggling is harming you more.

Please, deep breath and let go of him, let go of the past that never was, and never will be. I'm sorry, but the man you married has died,

Hissy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:59:11

Your sister is not fit for the title. Neither is anyone that thinks she's got a point. We know, your friends know, your DC know and YOU know.

that is enough.

I remember your threads. Please be kinder to yourself. You tried. Harder than most would have, when it got bad, you fought. But you have four children. at some point your choice became the fight for your dh, or the fight for your dcs mother- they shouldn't have to lose both of their parents, and they haven't. You had to back off for them.
If it's possible, go for counselling. You're experience, the trauma of all you've gone through, needs addressing. But if you can't get counselling the least you can do is forgive yourself. You tried your best and your best was to help your DC. You made the right choice, an indescribably hard choice, but the right one.
Unfortunately the causes of the divorce, the person your stbx is, is impossible to tell. Don't let yourself get mixed up in a riddle that can't be solved. The complexities are too much, the realities will never be.known to any of the individuals involved. You know your part. Your sil knows hers. your sis knows another facet of the tale. Cut it loose. Work on fixing you and your children. You are a brilliant mother, and you were a good wife. Look to the next chapter, try not to lament it.

Xales Sun 22-Sep-13 22:03:52

I remember your threads.

You have done all that you can anyone that faults you is a twat and not worthy of a place in your life.

Easier said than done however I think your best option is to divorce and consider your H as dead. The man you married is unfortunately to all intents and purposes dead.

Put you and your DC first. /hugs

Jagdkuh Sun 22-Sep-13 22:04:53

Aqquired brain injury. ie, a brain injury suffered from falling off a motor bike, etc etc.

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 22:09:51

In tears here.

I know, I really do know that there is nothing else I could have done.

Even the divorce hurts more than it "needs" to iykwim.

Usually for cases of "unreasonable behaviour" it is 5 lines. "He" wrote 5 pages. Though he couldn't have written it on his own.

His sis and my sister are divorcing me it feels like.
sad

catfourfeet Sun 22-Sep-13 22:19:27

Not abi

Stress related , as far as can be known.

And even that's my fault according to the divorce .

Hissy Sun 22-Sep-13 23:25:19

Love, you know what went on here, your sister did this, his sister did this, but he let them.

You really will be better off without the lot of them.

I'm so sorry.

garlicbaguette Mon 23-Sep-13 00:01:45

Look, darling, if he ever makes a recovery he will have to piece all this together for himself. He will be shocked, horrified; disbelieving. He will have to get in touch with you.

Until then - and it may never happen; I imagine the sisters have an interest in keeping him stressed - your children need a safe, solid, happy family environment. They need a mum to show them the value of strength, honesty, love, curiosity and joy. You need this family, too, and these values defining it.

I agree with Hissy and others: it is a terrible disappointment. People sometimes do bad things to good people. It hurts; grief is appropriate.

Then find a good counsellor to help you build your future, and your children's, with trust and hope. You can do this, and you deserve it. I am wishing you good speed and strong support.

Isetan Mon 23-Sep-13 03:19:57

You had no say in your husbands brain injury and the subsequent behaviour of your SIL and sister but not moving on, is a choice. Not moving on doesn't and can't change the past and it isn't an admittance of failure or wrong doing, it's an acknowledgement that life doesn't stop.

Grieve for your husband and your marriage, give your children space and support to grieve for their father. Chaining your self to 'what ifs' and 'maybes' paralyses you, inhibits the healing process and wounds left untreated fester.

Please seek out counselling and give yourself permission to end this half life that blights your children's remaining functioning parent.

Choose living over existing.

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