Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being paranoid?

(31 Posts)
Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 00:25:25

Have NC so df can't find this & I suspect I will out myself.
I just wanted people's opinion's. My df has recently had a job change, working evening's. The last week has left me with an awful uneasy feeling. He came back one night then discovered that he had forgotten to put away the key to lock up. So had it on him. He then spoke aloud his thought's ie; Shall I take it back now, will they need it before morning etc etc. He decided that it was ok to take it back 1st thing in morning( was past midnight) then got a call and he told me was dropping key off now as was needed.
Another night he got a text message at 2am. Told me was his db and his (df) phone must be receiving messages later then usual.
Tonight he has phoned me an hour after his finishing time to tell me they had a function that they had to clean up after. Function finished at 11pm as does his shift. He normally has a few things to do after finishing that take around 20mins. So he rang 40 minute's after that to tell me they were just about to start cleaning up. Says that will take about an hour & something about having couple of beers.
Reading these back, I actually feel a bit silly as they are all perfectly normal things to happen. Forgot key and return it? Normal. Phone receiving text's a good few hour's later? Normal. Cleaning up after function then having a well deserved beer with the team? Normal.
So why am I feeling 'not right'? I put the phone down when we finished our call & just got a heavy feeling in my stomach, almost like butterflies & had to fight tear's. So weird.

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 01:07:32

Anyone? sad

Numberlock Sun 22-Sep-13 01:12:28

What's the time scale for these events? Is anything else unusual, eg protective about his phone?

Well you're picking up on something, gut feeling, whatever it may be. You seem to know something's wrong.

This must be horrible for you. What do you think might be going on?

kickassangel Sun 22-Sep-13 01:28:24

Are you used to him being out late? Could it just be staying home alone that is getting to you? Or has his behaviour towards you changed as well?

intheduskwiththelightbehindher Sun 22-Sep-13 01:37:07

Or have you been reading too many threads on here about suspicious behaviour?

BlatantRedhead Sun 22-Sep-13 01:43:09

I get this feeling sometimes when my DP comes out with an excuse almost identical to the ones you describe. It always turns out to be him falling off the wagon (recovering alcoholic).

Your gut is telling you clearly that something's not right. Go with your instincts, they're likely to be correct. What is it you think could be going on?

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 01:50:42

These events have happened within the last week. In between Monday and tonight. He doesn't normally stay out late, unless working. I am enjoying having the evenings to myself though, bit of a novelty. Once kids are in bed, Long chats with friends on phone.. watching lots of french subtitled films etc etc.
We have a loving relationship, not sexually so much though. I don't think his behaviour has changed, not that I noticed.
I don't know what I think is happening, I just can't put my finger on why I feel like this. Written down it all looks like nothing.

aurynne Sun 22-Sep-13 01:53:14

Trust your instincts. You are able to subconsciously see, hear and feel things your mind is not fully aware of.

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 01:53:15

Blatant sad

Tonandfeather Sun 22-Sep-13 01:59:03

Job changes are always dangerous times I think. He's meeting new people and learning new things. It sounds like the place he works is a social venue too, so people going there will be more uninhibited and up for a good time.

I'm a great believer in instinct. As you say, on their own these aren't suspicious events but if your sex life has waned, he's got a new job and there are 3 late night sorties in a week, I don't think this is paranoia. The key incident was the most suss. Why would anyone need a key in the dead of night?

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 02:23:38

I'm not a paranoid person, which is why I felt I should post. Our sex life has been down for about 2 yrs. Just occasional.

Tonandfeather Sun 22-Sep-13 02:58:17

Think something might be up then. I always think someone who isn't normally jealous or prone to these instincts needs to trust them.

Did the key thing sound right to you? Why would anyone need it at that time?

Could you turn up at his place of work and have a drink one eve?

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 03:08:37

No, was unsure about the key incident, however he did get a call so....? confused I don't think i would be able to turn up- have 3 dc. Ds2 & baby are normally in bed at 7.30pm.

Tonandfeather Sun 22-Sep-13 03:15:57

You don't know who made that call and whether it was pre-arranged though. That's probably why he was verbalising whether he should go in or not, before he got the call. You were already set-up as it were, to thinking he might have to go in. How long was he gone?

AgentZigzag Sun 22-Sep-13 03:27:53

I'm all up for listening to your instincts too, but if he was up to something, would all that really happen in a week?

I mean, it's a bit obvious isn't it?

If he was trying to be secretive he's falling at the first fence.

I keep my eye out for shit like that, but you're tying yourself up in knots wondering about possibles when they have a totally reasonable explanations.

Although there are stark reminders on MN that him doing something is plausible and can happen, it is easier (and fairer to him? I know you wouldn't think that if he was up to no good, but you don't know that he is) to live with presuming he hasn't until you have something concrete that really doesn't add up, i.e. catching him out, which you have in the back of your mind now.

IMO anyway.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 22-Sep-13 07:48:11

Always listen to your gut instinct. You know before you know sometimes.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sun 22-Sep-13 07:49:40

Does he often give a running commentary of his thoughts to himself? If not, that sounds suspicious like a previous poster said- as if aimed at you to prepare you for the fact he may have to go again. Hmmm. Try and think about exactly what aspect of this is making you feel uneasy.
Threads with a title like this almost always result in the realisation that the OP was not being paranoid, but that's obviously not a reason to assume that is the case here. Listen to your gut, try and find out more and try to rationalise whether or not it could be just paranoia.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 22-Sep-13 07:57:51

Talk to him. Ask him what he thinks of the new job, how it's going, what are they like, does he feel like one of the boys yet, etc... Keep things and try to make it easy for him to say more.

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 10:22:17

I can't remember how long he was gone on the key night- I went to bed. He doesn't normally speak his thought's.
He is the same towards me as he's always been. I am very confused as I do kind of wonder if it's in my head, however such a weird feeling I had. I do have a lower self esteem at the min re my weight etc so maybe it's that?

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 10:25:32

Posted before meant to. What I meant is that all together with my weight issues and our lack of sex life, maybe I am just being paranoid. He does work with mostly men, just a couple of women work there.
I know how I feel, and normally trust my instincts, I just don't see him as the type iyswim?

Mindy9 Sun 22-Sep-13 10:32:25

Get hold of his phone. Hopefully you will be able to put your mind to rest.
Always trust your gut.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 22-Sep-13 10:38:27

I know some men that you read about on here are brilliant liars- can tell the most twisted, outrageous lies and not be suspected BUT in my experience I knew when my x lied. On the night I found out, he was going out with his "friends" but I knew he wasn't by the way he gave me a detailed itinary of the tube journey....half mumbling to himself as if he was talking to himself. It was just fake and unlike him. That made me prick my ears up. It was like a comedy act....cheating man pretending to go out with his mates. Also made a big show of NOT ironing his top...cos it's "only my mates".
What I'm saying is....just because he's done all these things in a week don't think he wouldn't because it would be too obvious. Some liars are shit at it and do make it obvious.

RhondaJean Sun 22-Sep-13 10:51:41

Different perspective.

My dh is a manager in licenses premises. Often if something finishes at 11, or12, it's another half hour or so before they get everyone out and can start the clear up. Folk dont just nicely sit their drinks down an file out on the hour.

I've seen him often have to go in with keys at odd times, or get called about alarms going off. Sometimes after work he will sit and have a drink; he knows I will be asleep when he gets in and I think it's the need to debrief after a busy shift.

He works with men and women, and will text and call them sometimes about work or about other things.

Nothing in what you put in your op is in the least out of the ordinary for my dh and I know he isn't up to anything.

However when he first started this type if work I did find it hard. He was out all evening while I was at home, surrounded by pretty girls dressed up for a night out while I was in my pjs. But I realised that I was finding it hard because I was insecure - worried about my weight etc too - and not because he was doing anything wrong.

You need to decide whether the way you are feeling us because of the changes the new job brings, or if you do think he is up to something. I would caution to be careful in this situation. First week of a new job is trying to fit in and being seen to be keen isn't it.

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 11:52:30

I can't get hold of his phone, he's taken it out with him ( popped out to do my db a favor) I know it's v cliched, he came back in after just walking out the door to pick up his phone.
Rhonda Thank you for the different slant on things. He is in charge of a section of a well known establishment. I wonder if I am feeling how you did, and that's all it is? How did/ do you deal with that?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sun 22-Sep-13 12:01:46

If you have no other reason to be suspicious, I don't agree that you should sneak a look at his phone. It's dishonest and a bit mad. The fact that you want to is a problem in itself.
Why don't you just talk to him?

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 12:20:25

Guybrush I didn't say I wanted to sneak a look at his phone, I just said I couldn't get hold of it as he had taken it out with him, and more to point out how he took it out. Only said that much about his phone because it was suggested.
I'm not sure I want to mention this to him until I know more. It would rock the boat- we are v.happy in general. This is why I posted first- to get an idea if I'm being silly or not.

AgentZigzag Sun 22-Sep-13 12:57:52

Coming back in for his phone isn't suspicious (if I've read that right), he could be called by someone from work or just want to have his phone on him like a lot of people.

How long has he been working in the new job?

RhondaJean Sun 22-Sep-13 13:03:11

Well you aren't that happy if you are posting this on here pet.

You do need to talk to him. I think the saving grace for me and DH a thousand times over is that I can say to him how I am feeling. I don't think you say "are you having an affair" as there isn't really IMO any evidence to suggest that; the conversation is that there is quite a change in things with the new job and shifts and you aren't finding it easy, how is he doing with it?

I felt better after we talked and I realise actually he didn't like the shifts very much either and would rather be home. I think there can be a wee bit of pressure too to have a drink after work in this type of employment and I know at first DH did it more often and over time he hardly bothers now.

The real eye opened for me I think was realising that my worries were not really based in anything that he was doing but in the way I was feeling about myself at that point in time.

I would very firmly say though that keeping this to yourself and saying nothing will make it fester and get worse. Talk to him.

Orangeworkclock Sun 22-Sep-13 22:13:17

Thank you for all the replies and different possibilities.
I have had a long hard think about it today and I do believe it is my self esteem. We have all been out for lunch, and df has been as lovely as ever. I did start up the conversation about how's work going etc.

Maybe, just maybe I am right and something is wrong, however I don't feel it when I am around him, only in evenings & only when these incidents ( or non incidents?) have happened.

I am really surprised at myself as I'm not normally this way. I think I have bigger self doubt then I thought sad

Thank you again to everyone who has posted and I am very sorry that you all took the time to, over something that prob is nothing.

Numberlock Mon 23-Sep-13 04:27:11

Df = dear fiancé yes?

When's the wedding?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now