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Advice on my new relationship(37 Posts)
Hi - I wanted to say thanks in advance for your advice and taking time to read this I will try and keep it as brief as possible.
I met my current gf about 3 months ago (so a fairly recently relationship) I met her at a time in my life when I wasn't expecting a relationship as 5 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship with my first love. It was a really horrific and traumatizing break up and I wasn't looking for a relationship especially so soon after my recent break up it just sort of happened. Since being with my gf I have been seeing signs in her behavior that I find quite distressing and don't know how to cope with.
Since being with her she opened up to me that she had a really horrid childhood with emotional, sexual and physical abuse from both parents and various other people. When I met her she had come out of a marriage of 2 years which was abusive and obviously left a lot of scars on her. She let me know before her marriage she had a mental break down after being raped by a stranger and the build up of the abuse over time. She since got herself better but it is obvious she has severe depression which I think (though I'm not dr) but believe has manifested itself in some sort of personality disorder or PTSD.
Even though we have only been together 3 months she started making remarks about my friends and how I put them "first". I am a social person and live with my best friend which tbh since my break up has honestly been the most healing positive experience. When she had her "mental breakdown" she lost all her friends so she told me she gets jealous that I have that and she doesn't. She has a controlling side to her which is just not how I am. Since being together only 3 months she's asked me to marry her and said she's DEEPLY in love with me which I personally find a bit "much" for a person who's known me only 3 months.
She tells me she hears voices that I don't really love her and I'm "using" her and she has a lot of paranoia to the point she won't even go running which I suggested would help her with her depression. I've finally managed to get her to go and see a counselor but honestly I feel she needs to see a psychiatrist which she will not do. She say's she will make herself "better" like she did last time. Whereas my point is you are clearly NOT better if you are acting like this and hearing things.
It's got to the point her behavior is SO erratic I actually don't know what to do. She demands CONSTANT attention from me even when I'm at work (and we both have jobs) and even in the evenings if i don't call or text (because she's been on my ass ALL day) and I want some peace and quiet.
Just Wednesday she fell asleep on the sofa and I left her to sleep as she looked comfortable so I chatted to my room mate and she wakes up like a bat out of hell and proceeds to argue with me for 2 hours about how I don't care or love her which i later find out the next day is her "paranoia" and she's been having nightmares and can't sleep recently.
I am honestly at my wits end with it all as bad as that sounds. It's just what I DIDN'T need right now in my life and all these issues forced on me I don't know how to cope with. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am the most relaxed, calm, uncontrolling person in a relationship my friends tell me I have the patience of a saint with all this but honestly I care about her a lot even though it's a new relationship but all this is just so unattractive and so self centered. Everything is about HER and HER depression and HER issues - none of it is taking into account me and my needs and tbh I'm a very easy going person with not a lot of needs so I kind of get washed aside.
Any advice from the lovely mumsnet community would be greatly appreciated.
Sounds like she is not in the right place to be getting into a new relationship right now. I would strongly encourage her to seek counselling as you are right, she sounds traumatised.
Seriously, what is this person bringing to your life except to bring you low either with her tragic sob-stories or other attention-seeking behaviour? You may have the patience of a saint but you don't have to be a martyr.
Thank you both for confirming in reality what I think I had a gut feeling about. I feel bad to leave her when she has no one but I cannot be in this relationship either I know this.
You're not responsible for her. Dating is meant to be fun - not like a bad episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show. BTW... when you dump her, drop all contact. Someone this screwed up has stalker potential.
Whatever her problems are, and they sound significant and numerous, you can't fix them. You're three months in. In most relationships you'd still be in the honeymoon phase when everything is happiness and sunshine and shagging like bunnies, not control freakery and paranoia and demands for constant attention.
She likely won't make it easy for you to walk away but, for your own sake, I strongly suggest you do.
You don't have to be in a relationship with her.
I'd move on to be frank - this is going no where positive.
Cut her loose and quick.
Thank you all.
I am a very confident person - I was engaged to someone a few years back now who became controlling telling me what to wear etc and I dumped him and never looked back so I always put myself first where I have to.
That's what I felt like - the 1st year is meant to be honeymoon ESPECIALLY considering the situation I came out of. After my last break up I was so hurt I lost 2 stone and was really unwell but I managed to pull myself back up with lots of support from friends, family and putting myself back into the gym. So it's just really the LAST thing I need when finding my feet again. Because really shouldn't this be the [i]good[/i] period?
You might find this article illuminating. Are You Dating An Abuser? We talk a lot about 'red flags' of abuse on the MN Relationship board but there are things you can be alert to that are kind of 'pre-flags'.... relatively mild bad behaviour that can be an indicator of more serious problems to come.
I think you'll recognise a lot of the things mentioned e.g. the too-early declarations of love and marriage. Glad you're getting out.
She sounds very unwell and low, but that is NOT your responsibility. I wonder why you have put up with this after such a short time? Do you believe that you should have a relationship whatever the cost? Or that you 'owe' her a relationship because she has had an awful time? Because as soon as it became apparent she was not in the place for a relationship and started treating you badly your sirens should have been going off. You do not owe anyone your time or affection.
I think if it were me I would end the relationship as kindly as possible.
My siren's did go off quite early on about a month and a half in. But I also know people (friends etc) who have been through really hard things and have had depression and are incredible amazing people. I thought I would give her a chance. I thought if I advised her to go to a Councillor, exercise and live a healthy life (healthy mind, body soul, right?) things might calm down. But they haven't.
Cognito - Thank you for the link I will read this now.
I never considered her a "abuser" because I am a extremely confident person and she never verbally or physically abuses me. She abuses herself.
She's definitely abusive. It's emotional bullying to dump all your woes on someone so that they feel responsible for you, monopolise their time, try to scare away their friends, get too intense too quickly, .... and it's verbal abuse to scream at someone for two hours for talking to a flat-mate. She may or may not be damaged & she may or may not be telling the truth about her experiences, but she's very definitely exploiting the situation as an excuse to behave extraordinarily badly.
Cognito - It's funny you said this as a very good friend of mine who suffered from severe depression and now in recovery told me the exact same thing. She said no matter how "depressed" she is that she is using her depression as an excuse to behave terribly.
I haven't seen any evidence of lying. But what doesn't make sense to me is she said she was badly abused as a child (which I don't deny) but then say's she was spoiled and given whatever she wanted to eat, drink (sweets) money. I mean she get's given £800 on her birthday by her parents - not something I would consider "normal". So I think A LOT of her behavior is a very physically pretty girl being able to get away with things her whole life by behaving this way.
shivers it won't get better.
Get out, stay out, try to cut all contact.
You can be spoiled in material things and heavily abused in other ways, btw. However, at some point you either start to grow up and deal with the damage, including being given too much / being spoiled, or you end up with your own life a living hell and making everyone else's a hell too. This girl sounds like she is in the second category.
Don't, don't, don't get sucked in. If you don't get out, suspect she'll try to suck you in more, alienate you from your friends and isolate you, and she'll become worse and worse.
Please let us know how it goes
End it kindly and recommend she seek professional help as you are not qualified to do that
Cut all contact, and don't agree to be "friends" at least for a good while. Maybe you could pick up a friendship later, when she is more stable, but you are not obliged to
"But what doesn't make sense to me is she said she was badly abused as a child"
Abuse is not the preserve of the poor. Just leave her to her neuroses and treat it as a lucky escape.
I never alluded to abuse being something confined to the poor or working class I know it can happen in ALL sections of society. What I'm saying is her behavior is particularly bizarre because she was abused but she was also very spoiled and dotted on as a child in some ways. From what she's told me she's got anyway with anything she wants in her previous relationships before she had a "mental breakdown" 2 years ago and isolated herself from everyone.
She is not well enough to be in a relationship and needs professional help.
Better to cut ties now - for you both.
Be as compassionate as you can and be clear on the reasons why.
I can't see any other option.
Usually I'm very much for being honest but in this rare case I'd politely disagree with Yellow Tulip. The girl sounds too unstable and could take it very badly. I would suggest saying that you don't think you yourself are ready for a relationship after the break up of the last one and you're not capable of loving her to the depth she deserves.
It's a cop out but from what you say I'm just a bit afraid that she will go crazy nuts, if she went into a 2 hour rage about how you don't love her over, well, nothing. Saying that you think she needs help could be interpretted as an attack by someone who is so very fragile. Or she could threaten to self harm or worse.
Thank you for your support, advice and replies it's really useful and great.
Yes she does have a history of self harm (taking unsubscribed diazepam and over dosing on anti depressants) as well as attempting suicide in which she was assigned a social worker but no psychiatric assessment???? The reason she killed herself as she "heard voices" telling her to do it.
3 weeks ago I went to see my ex fiancee the first time I'd seen her since she broke up over the phone with me 4 months earlier telling me she was going to marry a muslim man in order to get a visa for the UK after 2 years together. I needed to see her to get some closure and my stuff back. She freaked out about it having a "mental breakdown" saying she wished she was dead and wanted to die and said I had the "power to bring on her psychosis". Despite the fact I told her a week in advance I would see my ex, the train times in order to reassure her and was honest about everything as I don't believe in lying in a relationship.
God knows for my life hah!
Always good to get different points of view, but my thoughts would be:
1. Its not clear from the OP, nor is it possible to determine if the GF's behavior is a symptom or her abuse or if she is using the abuse to enable her (controlling and erratic) behavior.
2. Regardless of the above - she isn't fit to be in a relationship.
3. Yes, if you are truthful there is the chance (a very real one) that however kind and compassionately you instigate a split that she could turn nasty or her behavior could escalate. This however is true when you end any relationship.
4. If you lie, then you enable her to perpetuate her behavior because "its not about you, it's me" and prevent her from potentially realizing she needs help.
So, yes - to be fair it may be easier to lie, but I don't think its the right thing to do.
all good points. Unless someone tells her things are very wrong, maybe she won't seek help (again; sounds like she's had a bit of help in the past). I was just thinking that being on the end of real bad screaming fits from someone so damaged can be very hard to handle. I guess also if she did self-harm, the OP might feel bad. Even though it's not his responsibility, it's hers.
Maybe she´d be ok tho and even learn from it. Sounds like someone who really does need to seek serious help.
Can I just say that surprising (or not) I'm a female!
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