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I wish I could die

(151 Posts)
notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:12:30

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:44

Handholding, I'm sorry you feel like this. Your situation sounds really difficult please keep talking.

saggyhairyarse Thu 19-Sep-13 22:21:37

Firstly, you said this is about issues you had as a child. These were not your fault and you are trying to find a way of moving forward, what more can you do? You should be proud of yourself for that and not least because you have put your children first and given up your job to care for them.

Obviously the end of the relationship is beyond difficult and is probably compounding everything else but you coped with those things as a kid and you will cope with this too.

Be kind to yourself, it is OK to fall apart but to then pick up the pieces and reorganise them. Talk to your kids and explain in basic terms how you feel and then try to use any support you have available to help you get through this.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:23:03

Thank you for your replies. I don't know what to say I am just so upset

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:25:17

Phone the Samaritans. You need actual real life help. Do you have a CPN you can contact? If you feel you are a danger to yourself you need to call 999.

You are not a piece of shit or any of those other things. You are ill and unhappy and you need help.

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:26:35

You can keep talking here or contact Samaritans online if the phone is not an option for you. It's late and you may not get many replies. How old are your children?

YoniMatopoeia Thu 19-Sep-13 22:27:17

Please call the Samaritans

bashifuku Thu 19-Sep-13 22:29:18

You poor thing. I don't know what to tell you other than I don't believe you're a piece of shit. Not for a second.

Holding your hand.

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:32:15

www.samaritans.org/
Please contact them on the link above, still holding your hand

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:32:16

Thank you for the hand holding. I really need that right now. My children are 1 and 3, two beautiful girls and they don't deserve this. I am not going to harm myself as they need me but if I didn't have them I would.
It was sexual, emotional and physical abuse from my childhood and I had counselling in 2010 for it and thought I had dealt with it. Started CBT this year to deal with the anger that was remaining but when she started talking about the sexual abuse, it brought it all back. I thought it was dealt with it all but I realised it still effects me. She says that this is where my anger comes from and if I report it, it could help me to recover. It was too much for my partner to deal with. It has been on my mind lately and because my mind it constantly busy, this shows on my face and he says he can't deal with it.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:33:30

You are your children's mum and they love you. You're in a dreadful place at the moment but there is help out there.

Your therapist sounds like s/he has not given you any tools to manage dealing with the issues that are dominating your thoughts. This is not a failing on your part! CBT really shouldn't leave you feeling like this, OP.

Who can you talk to IRL? Do call for a doctor or The Samaritans as others have suggested.

You deserve help and support, so please seek it. This is a dark time for you - and your partner has hardly helped you by buggering off.

Handholding here, too.

something2say Thu 19-Sep-13 22:34:54

This is very common. It doesn't get alt with, you learn to love with it. I wonder if your partner couldn't deal with it and that may be why he left? Also it is completely normal to be this angry and I know how angry you are as it happened to me too. When the anger arises, do something with it. It won't last forever but it will for probably a few years. Yes years. And that's ok. A massive wound like you describe cannot be patched quickly. Can you buy a copy of the courage to heal, an amazing book for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. An absolute bible xxx hold on you're gone be alright. Xxx

AngelinaCongleton Thu 19-Sep-13 22:36:47

I'm so sorry you feel like this too. Bad childhood experiences are so difficult to deal as it is, but when things go wrong you have all this negative dialogue running through your head. Handholding. Please call the Samaritans.

curiousgeorgie Thu 19-Sep-13 22:38:26

Yes,. Please call the Samaritans.

It's much more common to feel like this than most people think. Xx

Hareseeker Thu 19-Sep-13 22:39:33

I have read your previous posts and you have been strong for so long. You are still that person. Two beautiful girls, how lovely. Have you eaten? Have you had some water/tea recently?
Can you contact someone in RL who can help you get some rest? Only you can decide if and when you want to take action about the abuse.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:42:11

Channel your anger, OP.

It may help you to think along the lines of "I love my DDS, I am NOT going to let the people who abused me take more by making me feel my life is worthless. I am a loving mother. I will continue to be so. I will break the cycle. And the abuser(s) WILL lose their power."

Anger is normal. Do not turn it on yourself.

Your partner failed you by not coping. That is a reflection on him, not on you.

Come on. Be strong, change that username! You have already come through a lot, you know.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:07

I am sorry for all you have been through and are going through and wish you didn't have to. I am really glad you have two beautiful children who will see you through and who you will give a loving, secure life to. You will make sure they are always safe and I think you are suffering from grief because you will never let them suffer what those around you let you suffer. That probably doesn't help and I'm sorry if it makes it worse.

You are not shit and you have your children and a whole new future that you will build to live for and to look forward to.

Love and hugs. cake thanks

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:43:39

Oh, and as for taking action - you only do it if it will help you - if and when you choose. No one has the right to pressure you.

WillowinGloves Thu 19-Sep-13 22:45:10

You say your beautiful little girls don't deserve this - well, you were once a little girl just like them and you didn't deserve what happened to you. Treat yourself with the same love and care that you have for them. Your little girls deserve you, the best that you can be, which will never be perfect - none of us ever are. 'Good enough' is all any of us can manage! But you and only you are their mother so hang onto that - you give them something no one else can give.

Counselling is always difficult because it brings issues that you have buried up to the surface; and it will take a long time to deal with them. Please talk to someone - you've been knocked sideways by a series of events and you need some support.

justmuddlingthroughit Thu 19-Sep-13 22:47:36

You are none of the things you are telling yourself you are. You do not deserve to feel this way, and what happened to you in your childhood has no bearing on your worth as a human being. The fact that you have been holding down a job and looking after two very young children while suffering from severe depression and possibly PTSD is astonishing, and deserving of everyone's respect.

Please please seek help; you've done brilliantly in putting your children first during a terrible time, but you need some real help for yourself. Get to your GP; most of them take this very seriously, and if yours doesn't, find another one. I've suffered with depression myself, and found CBT to be of limited help, but there are other things out there. Definitely call the Samaritans, for a listening ear as much as anything else. MIND is another organisation which may be able to point you in the right direction.

There is a lot of support here for you; keep talking to us, and I'm here if you want to pm me at any time.

cosydressinggown Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:41

Remember that to your little girls, you are none of the ugly things you call yourself in your post. You are the centre of the universe. You are the protector, the nurturer, the first pair of arms they ever felt in the world. You are the one that they want with them on the best day of their life, and you are the one that they want to turn to on the worst. You are a tower of strength to them, and a guardian angel, and one day you'll also be their very best friend.

Please try to see yourself how they see you.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:56

Thank you.
I am distort that he has left me. I thought he would support me but he said he wasn't coming back. He says that I have nothing to offer and he can get better. He says I am skinny, horrible, have big nose. A bitch, twat, cunt. You name it, that's what I am. He says I have boundary issues and control issues. He is right in a way as I am horrible as I have said some horrible things to him when he has called me names as I refused to cower to him. He says if I was with any other man they would have put me in hospital by now.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 22:48:58

you aren't any of those things you are a strong survior with 2 beautiful daughters

funny how your partner thinks you are so terrible but has left you with them, that would be because he knows you do a wonderful job of bringing them up, regardless of what he may say to your face

you may be better off speaking to a therapist in a place like this new pathways - they will help you whether you report or not

The anger and the rage is sadly normal considering what you have been through, I had to force myself to let go of hate, it gave the abuser too much power over me and took up space in my heart that should have been filled with love for my children - he didnt deserve my hatred

I am proud of you - you are a lovely, wonderful mummy - I am sure your daughters adore you

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 22:49:22

He is an abusive cunt

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:50:36

I agree - plan a GP appointment for the morning if you can, if you have a good GP. If you need to at any time before that, ring 999 for help.

You are so worthy of support. You are a lovely, loving mum and have had such a lot to deal with - none of it your fault, do you hear??

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:52:18

He is an absolute shit and I'm not surprised you're not getting any better with someone like that dragging you down. You don't need him.

something2say Thu 19-Sep-13 22:52:22

Your partner was abusive too. It probably doesn't feel like it now but really, the more of them that fuck off out of your life, the better. X. I know it leaves it a bit empty but time will sort that out x

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:52:51

Sorry X-posted.

"He says if I was with any other man they would have put me in hospital by now." WTAF????????????? Believe me, OP, you are well rid of this abusive fuckwit. I would bet lots of money that he has contributed to your feelings of negativity in a major way. What an arsehole he is.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:53:28

Thank you so much. I am in tears.

Chubfuddler Thu 19-Sep-13 22:55:22

When you've suffered grade 10 abuse in the past someone who is say grade 5 abusive can seem like a prince. (There is no such grading obviously, I am making them up but you know what I mean).

The only level of abuse tolerable in any relationship of any kind is none.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 22:56:07

"I have said some horrible things to him when he has called me names as I refused to cower to him"

Good for you, OP! The truth is - he couldn't take it when you were assertive. Of course you said horrid things to him when he called you names! We all bloody well would. He's awful. Now - you have got to get his opinions of you out of your head and remember he was talking bollocks and was also an abuser.

You need some positive talk - start with what we are all saying here and try it yourself. And see how your girls adore you. You're alright you know, you really are (though it doesn't feel that way right now).

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 22:58:28

look at it this way - this man who has left you because you are so useless, and so worthless and so pathetic

he has left your most precious possession with you - your girls, he has no doubts in how you look after them, actions and words

you are SO MUCH better off without him and in a years time, you will be filled with relief that he is gone and you will be so much happier

I promise you 20 months ago, I wanted to die - I NEVER thought I would feel happiness again, life is not a bed of roses, but there are moments of total joy and I grab at them and I believe, that one day, all those moments will join up and life will be full of happiness again

Each day, do 1 thing NICE, just for you - even if its only taking 5 and having a cup of tea and your favourite biscuit

call in some real life support, ask for a local mumsnetter to come round if you have to - anything for some company

mineofuselessinformation Thu 19-Sep-13 22:59:06

Stay positive and keep seeking help. It's the best thing you can do for you and your dds right now.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:00:31

and dont think about the days or weeks ahead, baby steps, focus on the next hour and the next hour, the next 5 minutes if you have to

focus on the practical, see you GP and get signed off work for a month - go sick while you have a think

ring the tax credits make sure money starts coming in
ring the council re council tax credit
CSA for maintenance if he stops paying

those are things you can control straight away x

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:04:30

Thank you all for your support. You don't know how much it means to me that there is someone who thinks I am not shit. I don't have any RL support, no friends as have trust issues, no family to call. Live in a new area so don't know anyone here but this is really helping, thank you

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 23:06:08

Good advice re practical things to do.

Also, when you are feeling dominated by your past issues, don't give in to them. Mentally pick up that little girl you once were and vow to yourself that you will keep her (you) safe now. Be kind and tender, be patient, sweet and filled with all the love she missed. You're an adult now and can do that for yourself and for your DDs.

You show them. Ask for help, too. It's a hard, awful thing to deal wit, but I sincerely believe that you are already succeeding - you have managed to eradicate an abuser from your life without even knowing it! You are stronger than you think.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:09:16

Didn't think about going on the sick but unfortunately I would just be stalling the inevitable that I would have to eventually leave in the end and I have told him today that I can't come back due to childcare issues and partner leaving. He is going to ring me at 9:00am to discuss further.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. But wow, it sounds like you have come such a long long way. You could not go on living a half life, burying horrible things, ignoring the past: this troubled and horrible past has partly shaped you into the wonderful compassionate human being you are, and it's your horrible past that will finally redeem you and allow you to live a full life and an honest life - and be the wise wonderful mother to your dds that you so want to be.

This is the worst bit: the dredging up, the counselling, the regurgitating memories and trying to process them, and yes, the debilitating anger.

Your partner was obviously not up to the task of seeing you through this process. He has taken the easy route. This is a reflection on him not on you. But you must keep going with the CBT and continue to reach out for help and understanding. The earlier poster suggests a book - try to read everything you can.. this is the book and there's a workbook that goes with it here

Keep posting love. It really does get better.

LondonNinja Thu 19-Sep-13 23:11:35

Best of luck with work, OP. Does your employer have an occupational health dept? I don't know, but sometimes workplaces can offer and help with counselling issues (even if you are signed off sick).

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:11:38

of course you have trust issues, I wont leave my children with anyone except their dad, my mum and my sister, and I only leave them with the last 2 because I know it is good for them so i force myself.

It makes me so angry on your behalf that he has dragged you so low and left you the girls - totally contradicting any idea you are crap - because you are strong enough to look after them now.

I joined the local attachment parent group and I have made lots of new friends, with people who rarely leave their children (except for work mostly), its nice to meet people who feel the same way, albeit for different reasons, if you wanted to pm me where you are I could find your local group on FB, even if you never go and use it for online support.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:13:07

notsostrong stalling is fine, you should never make hasty decisions and they are still paying you - better if they manage you out through the sick process than you just leave (its what I am hoping to do)

Tell work you aren't up to talking at the moment and get that sick note, give yourself a chance to at least breathe honey xx

MsPeterPan Thu 19-Sep-13 23:14:01

Aw sweetheart, your past is not your fault. It happened to a child.....you cannot take responsibility for how it left you as an adult.

Your partner had absolutely no insight whatsoever as to how your past effected you as an adult. He didn't stick around whilst you sought help either. His loss. He will now miss out on seeing the person you were always meant to be one day. He is the weak one here - not you.Just look at what you have survived so far in life! You are a survivor, you are stronger than you think!

Have courage my friend x I am a fellow survivor too x

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:30:25

Thank you for all your support, links and suggested books. I just wish he had stayed as I really love him and have supported him in the past so many times with his own issues but when it was my turn, he walked. My youngest is only 1 but all she has been saying all day is dada dada, it breaks my heart.
The only thing about going on the sick at work and being managed out is when I request a reference in the future they will add the reason for leaving which will be dismissed and this will screw up my chance of future employment as I have been with them for 3 years. I am upset about leaving as I was due to start a 3 year MSc course in my relevant field at uni which costs £9000 altogether and work were going to pay for it. I can never ever afford to pay for that myself so everything really is fucked up now. I've worked so hard and all for nothing in the end.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:32:16

you wont be dimissed they would have to negotiate, dont make decisions in the heat of the moment, really, tomorrow and the next and the next may be different - I had a year sick, 8 months maternity, an organisation big enough to fund an MSC will be able to help you through this - you dont need to resign now

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:33:45

Thinking about it, he has been abusive throughout the full 11 years in many ways. I am getting angry now thinking about this as he has never respected my boundaries and then says I have boundary issues, it confuses me.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:34:13

go sick delay the MSC start til next academic year, I know it seems black and too much, believe me I know how desparate you feel, but time, it will help

Whoa, hang on there a minute: is your selfish exP working and the father of your children? he needs to be paying maintenance. is he? When did he actually leave?

You can still do the Msc. You can find a way. Let's all put our heads together.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:46:56

He is the farther of my children. He didn't work as I worked and he looked after the kids. His excuse was there is no point in me working as you can earn more than me.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:47:44

along with him not liking authority

What a catch. Not. So where has he gone to, how is he paying for it, and when did he leave? Look, you are feeling shit right now but this will pass. You are obviously clever, resourceful and loving. You need to ask for help, always be honest - with your employer and your counsellor. Reach out for support and advice - can you delay the MSc for a year while you complete CBT? You definitely need to look into some benefit help or other entitlementgs now that he has left the home. Council tax discount, child and working tax benefit...this can help you pay for childcare. Hang on in there. try to keep eating and try to get some rest.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:51:31

Thank you for trying to think of a way I could still do my course but there really isn't one. If I leave within 5 years from the start of the course then I have to pay the company the full amount back. I think the best thing is to leave because if I don't and end up going on the sick then I will eventually have to leave in the end.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:53:09

notso maybe you will and maybe you wont, but while you are on the sick you are being paid, and that will be a huge help to you x

You have no idea yet if you will have to leave and go on sick leave. Do not make anyh rash decisions now. Not tonight and not tomorrow. You need some RL support. Who do you have in RL to help and advise you - family? one or two good mates? Your exP can possibly still do childcare in the day while you do the MSc? He has a big responsibility towards his children. Is he planning on seeing them regularly?

Dont' tax yourself too much about it now - it's late. get some sleep. It will all be ok and get better. You will find a way through this.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:56:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:58:17

sorry should be saying ex partner

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 00:09:44

Thank you for helping me get through tonight. I am going to bed now as I have to get up early with the kids. I will think about making that GP appointment tomorrow.

LondonNinja Fri 20-Sep-13 00:11:38

Sleep well and be strong. We are here and you'll get RL help, too.

Do see the GP today.

Take care, OP X

MiauMau Fri 20-Sep-13 00:12:06

He's a heartless idiot if he left you and your children at a time of need like this.

TheSeaPriestess Fri 20-Sep-13 01:35:11

Oh love no wonder you feel so low, you have been through so much and your ex is quite frankly an abusive arsehole who makes you feel so much worse.

It may not seem like it now but I promise that your life will be so much better without him in it. You sound amazing to me, you have survived severe trauma and have still managed to study, look after your babies and work!

You are none of the things you said, please don't say things like that to yourself. That is not you, it is him. You wouldn't speak to someone you love like that, you are worthy of your love and compassion too. Really try to speak to yourself as you would someone you care about who was hurting. Be gentle and kind with yourself now, you are a human being who is understandably hurting. You will survive this, you will be happy again.

I know it feels like such a body blow him leaving but trust me, it is the silver lining in this cloud.

Love to you, I hope you sleep well and feel better in the morning.

LondonNinja Fri 20-Sep-13 08:45:09

How are you, OP?

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 08:59:08

Don't let him back OP - it doesn't sound like he will help you to recover. You will be just fine. From your nname I think you are only about 10 years younger than my DS - I wish I could be your mum for a little while. Hugs.

happyhev Fri 20-Sep-13 09:30:15

OP you have suffered terrible abuse in your childhood and from your partner. It is no wonder you're finding life difficult. But the things you have said about yourself really aren't true. The fact that you are valued enough by your employer to have them fund your MA speaks volumes. You have survived a great deal in your life and you will survive this. You are an intelligent, loving and strong women who through no fault of your own has had some really awful experiences.

I hope you got some sleep or at least rest OP. Today is a new day. Deep breaths and small steps. make sure you have something to eat. Ring your GP asap and see if you can get some immediate help. I know not everyone approves of anti-depressants but I found them a godsend - a crutch that helped my soul feel less buffeted by severe emotional lows.

Who is there in RL whom you can lean on? Sending you strength today and over the weekend.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 09:55:02

How are you, Op?

Abuse dating back from one's childhood has a nasty way of raising it's long shadow when you have children yourself. All the issues come flooding back because you see in your own children just how vulnerable you were back then.

It is overwhelming, but you can get through it without drowning.
You are a strong survivor. You have an McSc lined up, that doesn't happen to just anyone. Try to stop putting yourself down.
Your self esteem needs a good lift and you should start by recognising your own achievements.

After what I've read about your partner I think you are better off without him. Childcare is a big issue, but don't throw your plans away before you have considered all the options.
I hope your employer has talked to you and been helpful.

Even if this does not get resolved and you cannot get the McSc sorted out, you can still do it in the future, when the children are a bit older.

Use the anger you have to work through your past. Being angry is good! I promise once those issues are dealt with, life gets easier. Control issues can be controlled, your anger will disappear and you will lead a life you always wanted and didn't know how to get. You sound like you have that plan for a better life. You can do it!

justmuddlingthroughit Fri 20-Sep-13 10:14:10

How are feeling this morning, op?

I definitely agree with those saying not to make any decisions about leaving work just yet; you are fully entitled to sick leave, and even if you decide later not to go back, you will have given yourself time to consider your options. Right now everything will be feeling very raw, and your first instinct will be to stay at home and look after your babies, but leaving work is not a decision to be taken lightly, Particularly when your employer thinks enough of you to fund a master's degree. Get whatever help you can from your GP . I second anti depressants as a useful tool in certain situations; they can just take the edge off as it were, allowing you to think a little more clearly. It might be better to have the full discussion with your employer in a few weeks; perhaps just tell them for now that you have been signed off work (any GP worth their degree will sign you off, you so clearly need it), and that you will talk to them in more detail when you're feeling a bit more steady. The MSc may be put off for a year or even more, but don't give up on it.

We're all rooting for you; you have been exceptionally strong, even if you don't see it now.

Jux Fri 20-Sep-13 12:25:23

Notsostrong, I don't believe you are any of those things your ex called you. I bet a lot of your difficulties will be better now he's gone.

Go off sick for a while, look for childcare, see CAB to ensure you're getting all the help you are entitled to.

I reckon that given a couple of weeks without him, and using that time to sort out practicalities, you'll be able to go back to work. All of that will also help you feel more positive about the future without the fuckwit hanging on your coat-tails.

You've had an awful lot to cope with, from a very young age, but you are still here, still trying, and you are STRONG! You are Herculean!

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:50:03

Thank you everyone. Your support is amazing and really helping me right now. I am up and down today and randomly crying. Marriedinwhiteisback- your post made me cry. I really wish I had a mother to hug me right now but it was her who covered the sexual abuse up. It wasn't her fault, my farther would beat her up on a regular so who knows what was going through her head. I went to the GP this morning and they have signed me off with stress for two weeks. My manager wants me to call him next week to see how I am. I wish they would stop pressuring me as they want me back in work. Partner has emailed me this morning as my phone has been. I have copied and pasted his email below:
Hi Xxxx, hope u r ok. Just want u to know this was the hardest decision to make. Probably wrong one as either way my life's not gonna get better. Im constantly alone sat in silence. Not eating as cant be at my dads it depresses me. Miss u all very much.

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:51:08

Sorry it should say my phone has been off.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 12:59:04

notso, stop letting your partner put pressure on you.
So he's sad and can't eat? Poor him. Tell him to leave you alone, he's left you when you are in a bad place, shame on him.

Well done for getting the sick note. You have some breathing space now to try and sort things out.
Stay strong brew flowers

Trigglesx Fri 20-Sep-13 13:04:19

Make yourself and your DCs your priority. Let your ex-partner fend for himself - he's an adult.

Do what's best for you.

Stropzilla Fri 20-Sep-13 13:07:51

Oh my love he's done a number on you hasn't he? You are not shit or ugly. You do not deserve this in any way. Abusive men make you feel like it's your fault and you're lucky to have them because otherwise you'd be able to leave them. Don't believe a word of it. Work want you back because they value you. Your lovely girls value you. He doesn't and is a twat.

I wonder if him leaving is part of a dramatic scene that makes him the star? Has he done this before? Sometimes these men leave to knock you back into place so you will be grateful when they come back and stop questioquestioning them. He's done you a favour. Now he's out, keep him out. Its ok to cry and feel crap.
I wish so much I could pop over for a coffee and give you a hug and tell you things will get better but I can't but please believe me. You are stronger than you realise.

namechangeforareasonablereason Fri 20-Sep-13 13:30:36

fucking tosser - emotionally manipulating you and trying to make you feel bad because he has walked out

ignore hi,m even better block his emails

as for work, they have to stay in touch, its not to pressure you to go back but to ensure they are legally fulfilling their duties under duty of care

justmuddlingthroughit Fri 20-Sep-13 13:37:54

I don't think work are necessarily trying to pressure you back into work by asking for a call next week; I went off sick with stress for six weeks a few years ago and spoke to my boss around once a week, just to keep him updated on how I was. It was really just to keep in touch and monitor whether I'd be likely to be off for just a few weeks or several months. Also, from what I remember, two weeks is the initial time a doctor will sign you off for, just to see how you do. It does not mean you have to go back after two weeks if you're not ready, your GP should have no problem in extending your note if you need it.

Your ex has certainly tried to pull the guilt trip on you, hasn't he? Please don't let him wheedle his way back into your affections; he has been abusive, and will be so again if you take him back. You are a stronger person that he is.

AmyMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 20-Sep-13 14:16:18

Hi there,

Thanks for bringing this to our attention.

notsostrong1985 we are sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. We'd like to echo everybody on the board and suggest that you seek help in real life as well as on the boards.

You might find some of the links here useful too.

Wishing you the very best from MNHQ.

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 14:48:38

I'm sorry if I upset you; I just wanted you to know how much love there is out here and that some of it is for a sad mummy. You can't change the past - I wish you could but with help and support you can change the future and make sure your dd's always have a pair of arms to run to - even when they are older than you are now.

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 14:52:36

I'm sorry if I upset you; I just wanted you to know how much love there is out here and that some of it is for a sad mummy. You can't change the past - I wish you could but with help and support you can change the future and make sure your dd's always have a pair of arms to run to - even when they are older than you are now.

Jux Fri 20-Sep-13 15:37:29

Please block him on your phone for now. He will not be helping you gather yourself together, just trying to put more pressure on you.

Well done on getting to the GP. That can be a massive undertaking in your situation, and you've done it! Hooray! See how strong you are?

Try to relax a bit for the weekend, get some dvds and have a duvet day, with cuddles. Put some music on loudly and sing out of tune! Muck about with the children.

You are doing well. You will be fine, I promise.

Livingtothefull Fri 20-Sep-13 19:15:22

This post has touched me so much. I think because despite all the hard times you have been through you have achieved so much to be proud of (working, study, caring for your DCs). I don't think any of the negative things you say about yourself are accurate, please try to be kind to yourself and use all available help to get through this hard time.

Btw I don't think your manager is calling you to hassle you or because they want you back in work, but because they have a duty of care. No responsible employer would want you to return to work before you are well enough. Try not to worry about this and give yourself some time and space before making any decisions for the future. Thinking of you

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:14:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:22:04

I wish it wasn't like this. I should have been a better person. I wish I could go back in time and put it right. I thought we would raise our children and grow old together.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:24:47

I think I need to go back to the GP and get anti depressants but its Saturday and they are not open till Monday now

captainmummy Sat 21-Sep-13 09:10:52

It's ok to cry, notso. You can grieve for the relationship - it doesn't make you weak.
Yy to going to Drs, you do need to tell them all about it.
Where are you? You don't need to say, but I am Surrey/Sussex borders if I can help; even just meet for coffee and a cake chat! You don't ned to be alone - in fact you are never alone with MN!

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 21-Sep-13 09:13:06

I'm sorry you have had a bad night. You are not alone; you have two lovely girls and us old hags on MNet. Please don't sit indoors all day today - get yourself and the girls out for a walk or to the park - find a mum there to chat to - have a bus ride and look at the sights - visit the pet shop and look at the guinea pigs and rabbits. Come home and at bath time let them have lots of bubbles or even a drop of food colouring in the bath water for fun; buy a bottle of bubbles and watch their faces as they blow them up to the sky.

Have you joined your local MNet or NetMums to meet some new people; find a local one o'clock club and take them there and meet some local mums; story time at the library - all the things that will get you out and about.

You are not rubbish; you are not useless; you are a clever girl with a life ahead of her. Just try to do one thing that cheers you up every day and strike up one conversation with one person you don't know.

If you are in SW London then pm me and I'll meet you for a coffee somewhere.

JuliaScurr Sat 21-Sep-13 09:18:21

sounds like you have depression
horrible - I've had it too
you will feel better with anti-depressants - keep going til you get some that suit you
do one little thing every day to make yourself feel better

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 09:22:18

My darling you are a wonderful person. You survived your childhood, put your all into a relationship, and are raising your amazing children. You have built a career with prospects and been accepted onto a very difficult course because they knew you could do it. Your employers believed in you so much they were willing to pay 9000 pounds for you.

Noone has ever told you this but YOU ARE AMAZING.

This will sound like claptrap but please get a piece of paper and write on it : I am amazing. I survived and more than that I made a good life for my children. I will survive this.

Then put it in your purse and keep it with you. There is something very powerful in the written word. And it is the truth.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:23:37

If you want tell us where you are if you are in Sheffield I will come and sit with you and chat xxx

namechangeforareasonablereason Sat 21-Sep-13 09:31:45

If you ring the doctors there will be a number for the out of hours surgery - they can make an appointment and prescribe anti depressants.

I have been to our out of hours for similar - they were lovely x

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:35:41

My doctor gave me a number for a mental health team when I felt suicidal after dp left.
I rang one weekend and ended up talking to a lovely man who i will never forget he was so kind and calming.
I'm sure ooh gp could give you a similar number to ring.

I wish I could give you a big hug, all I can say though is it will get better. Today will feel like a trial to get through but it's just for a short while and you will feel better.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 21-Sep-13 09:37:15

Did you actually notice that, bar a formulaic "hope u r ok" which you might say to a casual acquaintance, ex-partner's communication was all about himself? You have to believe he is suffering because HE walked out on YOU and it was so hard for him that he had to call you a lot of unnecessarily offensive names in the process. But you still mustn't think badly of him because it was hard for him and he misses you. Like hell he does. And here you are, the innocent party in this, someone who is going through a very tough time, being invited to accept all the blame for his suffering as well as your own. Ooh, that makes me so... grr!!!!! What a good thing this ghastly man isn't going to have the main upbringing of your girls as they grow and start to have their own ideas <shudder>

I totally agree with everyone who says don't rush to leave your job. You will need money and stability to help your girls and to keep yourself anchored to the real adult world. You do, however, need some time to sort out alternatives now your live-in cocklodger childcare has done a runner. So accept whatever concessions you can, take a deep breath, when you've got over the shock take stock and believe: you can do this. With everything you've achieved so far, you really are impressive.

Longtallsally Sat 21-Sep-13 09:39:44

Just seen this thread notso. Sending you lots of support and echoing the comments below from so many posters. You are an amazing woman who has two beautiful daughters and a career too, despite the awful burden you have been managing. If you need to take a year or two out of working to care for your children, that is an OK thing to do. That is what the benefit system is there for - to be a safety net in times of need. It won't be forever. But if you want to keep working part-time, then that is also OK - it can be managed, if that is what you choose.

You know now that your partner has been abusive, don't you? And that he will be expecting you to beg him to come back as proof that you need him/want him; and that he will probably try various tactics to get you to let him come back, once he discovers that you are a stronger woman than he ever believed.

I think you have not been helped by your CBT counsellor - you have not been given the tools to deal with your experiences and would echo the suggestions of others that more appropriate help and support - eg pathways - will leave you more empowered, not less.

Hoping that your GP can give you rl support. Keep on posting too.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:41:39

It will be hard but he needs to see that your life is nit going to fall apart without him.
Annie is correct in saying he sounds a bit me,me,me.
If you speak just tell him calmly you are taking a couple of weeks off to sort out childcare and then ask him about maintainence and sorting out his time to have the dc.
Watch him shit himself when he realises you are not going to roll over and give in.

LondonNinja Sat 21-Sep-13 10:13:03

I'm in SW London, too, if you want to meet.

OP, you mentioned your ILs saying you are too Westernised - I am guessing you are from a south Asian background? IME, abuse and mental health issues are even more poorly understood in these communities. There is a LOT of help out there, though. I promise.

Call the out of hours GP now, or go to a walk-in centre. Discuss antidepressants - they really can be a godsend. They take a few weeks to work but will hopefully give you some clarity and a boost. The nature of depression is that it really does feel like there is no way out. But there is always a way, and things will get better.

Your DH is no use nor ornament and feels suitably guilty, as he has proved he hasn't got it in him to last the distance and man up. And so he should feel bad, he's a right little diddums.

Concentrate on yourself and your DC now.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:50:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmuddlingthroughit Sat 21-Sep-13 10:55:24

Reading this thread is re-affirming my belief in how lovely so many people are.

notso, if you are in the Bristol area, I'm around if you want to meet up with someone for a coffee. There are local mumsnet groups all over the country as well, if you need some rl support.

Please remember that the reason you have no support network is simply because you have been isolated. Your ex probably has a lot to do with that. But people do care about you, and people do want to help. You have only to ask.

justmuddlingthroughit Sat 21-Sep-13 10:57:07

Oops, I spent too long writing that post! blush

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:59:13

Just want to add that I am not intending to offend anyone with my last post regarding religion. This is just my perception.

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 21-Sep-13 11:00:55

I love the piece of paper idea too Rhonda.

OP - next time I am in Yorkshire and I come 3/4 times a year because it's where DH is from I'm going to try and find this thread and pm you and try to meet you for a coffee and a hug.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 11:02:41

Thank you marriedinwhiteisback, that would be nice smile

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 11:03:03

Some stuff that helped me in the beginning.

If you can't face the thought of a full day stretching out break it up into 30 minute sections. I would set my alarm on my phone and think right I will get the kitchen sorted. And then I would think of something else to do like give the dc a lovely bubble bath that would take another half hour.
It sounds bizarre but it helped.

Get a notebook and write. Even if you burn it afterwards writing stuff down helps get the anger and sadness out.

Give yourself small treats each day such as a new top, or some nice body lotion.

If you can't face eating try and buy some of those milkshakes with added stuff in. And cook easy stuff for the dc. Mine lived on grapes and sandwiches for a couple of days (and lots of chocolate).

Watch netflix or something at night out on a nice film and drift away to it, it stops you thinking over things in a dark room and you need sleep it's a healer.

Disengage from him, I know it's hard but if you ignore the sooner the message hits home you are not a pushover.

If you feel like you need a friend go on the MN local boards and see if there is anyone in your area.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 11:04:04

I am in South Yorkshire if you could easily get the train or bus to meadowhall I would be quite happy to meet and have a coffee too.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 11:14:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuliaScurr Sat 21-Sep-13 13:38:09

http://www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/services/

hope they are the appropriate group for you; they offer useful services

make sure you get legal advice on money/housing/benefits/employment

Hoping you're ok notso. What have you had for supper? I had three suppers/teas as am a greedy fat pig. Hugs.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 22:00:14

Yeah, I'm ok tonight. Not had any supper as can't be bothered and too tierd. Just got into bed but messing about on my phone. I'm sure you are not a greedy fat pig. Feeling more positive and looking forward to a new day tomorrow. Xx

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 22:01:50

This site really is amazing and the support is unbelievable

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 22:03:47

Agnesboo- thank you for your pm

Jux Sat 21-Sep-13 23:13:40

Notso, get some bananas in. They're easy to eat when you're knackered or too unwell or too fed up to bother cooking, but they're nutritious and filling. Mix them with a bit of natural yoghurt, or ice cream for extra oomph.

It is important that you try to eat as it helps keep your mood up, and it's hard to sleep with your stomach empty. Please do look after yourself. We are all thinking of you.

Sleep well.

MacNCheese Sat 21-Sep-13 23:22:52

Hiya, i'm glad to hear you feeling a little stronger today.
why don't you look into an NHS course. Nursing, midwifery, physiotherapy there are loads. They pay for child care. Maybe having something to look forward to next September could start you on a path towards a new life. Hugs x

Ta for replying. Well done. Not surprised you're tired. What are you doing tomorrow? My son's got cancer so we're off to hospital for a couple of days. Bit of respite for me actually as I can sneak out for a hundred fag and go to the local charity shop while he's having his op! <<does a dance>>

bananas a very good idea by the way. Even better if yiou slit em open, chuck sugar on and bung them in microwave for 1 min of cover in foil anhd stick in hot oven for five mins. Then open them, drizzle with honey, and peanut butter.

captainmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 12:22:54

Amazonian - good luck for your ds!

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 22-Sep-13 13:38:10

Helllo lovely, hope today's a better day and that you are out and about with the girls.

Jux Sun 22-Sep-13 15:59:31

Good luck, UA, and little UA. How's he doing?

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 21:29:36

UA- very sorry to hear about your DS. Hope the OP went well today. Hope you are ok too?
Jux- thanks for suggestion re bananas, great idea
JS- thanks for advice and link
MNC- I would love to work in NHS and tbh have thought about nursing in the past as I enjoy caring for people so will defiantly give this some thought. Something to focus on.
MIWIB- smile I took my DC birthday shopping today as its my DD1 bday next weekend, she is going to be 4.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 22-Sep-13 21:38:39

Good - something to look forward to smile. Sleep tight.

LondonNinja Sun 22-Sep-13 21:43:22

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

Do eat and drink - chocolate and popcorn are allowed, too wink. Bananas are better, though!

Hope shopping was good today - you're a great mum. Hope you have a better week.

LondonNinja Sun 22-Sep-13 21:44:21

And good luck, UA. thanks

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:08:20

Thank you LN- it was good and had a walk around Pets At Home as my DC love animals and fish, they enjoyed themselves. Looking forward to a new week. X

LondonNinja Sun 22-Sep-13 22:16:46

Good for you, Strong (can't call you Not... it's inaccurate!).

My DD is around the same age as yours. Have you decided on her gift yet?

Jux Sun 22-Sep-13 22:40:58

You are being fantastic, Strong. LondonNinja is quite right, there's no room for 'notso' in you.

Hope you sleep OK.

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:55:22

Yes I got her a few gifts. A big toy monkey ( also one for the youngest so she didn't feel left out) a doll, fishing board game, leap frog scribble & write and an acoustic guitar. Also a big lightning McQueen birthday cake. I'm getting both a lovely dress each from monsoon next week and might treat myself to something too.

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 22:57:34

Thanks Jux, will change my username when I feel strong enough again

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 23:04:15

Might be a bit young for the guitar but she loves instruments and its an interest that will hopefully grow with her

LondonNinja Sun 22-Sep-13 23:27:44

The gifts sound lovely. Definitely get yourself something, too.

Goodnight, Strong. Sleep well. Listen to Jux and me - we will call you Strong from here on in!

SimLondon Sun 22-Sep-13 23:29:32

Keep posting notsostrong1985 - there is amazing support available for you here on mumsnet :-)

notsostrong1985 Sun 22-Sep-13 23:46:06

Thanks SimLondon, I will. The kindness on here is unbelievable, it's something I've never experienced before. It restores my faith in people.

notsostrong1985 Mon 23-Sep-13 03:34:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy Mon 23-Sep-13 08:19:33

Well.... thank God he left you 'because you made his life hell' !!!!!!

Wow I hope you are feeling better after that, Strong. How could you not? He's gone and your life will be infinitely better.

Hope you got some sleep

justmuddlingthroughit Mon 23-Sep-13 08:26:47

Morning,*strong*. I'm absolutely shocked. What an utter arsehole he's been, I'm not surprised its been playing on your mind. Of course you're not stupid, this kind of thing is incredibly hard to switch off from. I mull over and get angry at the memory of far more trivial stuff than that!

I hope you managed to get some sleep; writing things down really can help to deal with them in your mind. Remember that none of this is because of you, it's all him. He chose to do these things to you because it made him feel superior to make another human being feel like crap.

Are you going back to your GP to see about anti depressants? I found they helped me to sleep a little better too, although they can take up to a month to work.

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:52

GP today please. Celebrate the fact that he's gone. This is the start of the rest of your life - a better life xx

LondonNinja Mon 23-Sep-13 09:59:37

Yes, please see the GP. Put all the crap behind you x

Biscuitsareme Mon 23-Sep-13 10:22:51

I'm crying reading this thread and I haven't even read everything. OP you are SO STRONG for having survived your childhood and your abusive ex-partner! You deserve love and kindness and happiness and now is the opportunity to take steps in that direction. Remind yourself that your girls love you and you love them.

Good luck with the GP appointment and please keep talking. We're here to listen and support.

Wishing you flowers

notsostrong1985 Mon 23-Sep-13 10:45:30

I'm really tierd this morning and was 40 mins late getting my little one into nursery. Telephoned the GP but all appointments for today have gone now so I will try again tomorrow

namechangeforareasonablereason Mon 23-Sep-13 11:51:49

You got her there, late doesn't matter, you are stronger than I was, when i was at the bottom, I couldn't even leave the house.

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, "there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

You will get through this - I promise, things will ease.

(((hug)))

Agnesboo Mon 23-Sep-13 11:53:08

You are doing amazing, just remember you've had a shock and are coping really well.
Thinking of you xx

lisylisylou Mon 23-Sep-13 22:59:45

You're giving yourself such a hard time that its consuming you. First of all your partner was verbally abusive to you in such a way that had my dh said any of that stuff I would have kicked him out! You have 2 really young children/babies that he's left with you meaning that you are actually the stronger one out of you both and the fact that you are on here asking for help shows that you are reaching out for support as anyone would. Your relationship has lasted 11 years which is a hell of a long time in this day and age so There must be something incredible about you. I would suggest you go to the doctors if you're constantly feeling this way! Take one day at a time and get as much help and support that you can. There are apps as well that can help with meditation and help with anxiety. Ive suffered with depression if i look back there's pain and anguish and if i look forward theres hope and light. Your daughters are incredibly lucky to have you and we can all see how much you love them. Be kind to yourself x

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 08:19:03

I second everything that lisylisylou says.

That man is still sitting on your shoulder being disapproving. Counteract him with reality checks.

You are exhausted and shocked and mind-numbingly miserable BUT you got up, got your children sorted and got your little one to nursery.

Celebrate your achievements. Be aware of the things you do, and tell yourself well done for them. Well done for getting up. Well done for sorting out the los, and so on. It's just a little pat on the back for doing 'ordinary' things in extraordinary times. Those ordinary things are mountains you are scaling right now, but they won't always be. Imagine yourself in the future, happily getting the children up, they're running about and you are chasing after them - get your shoes on! eat your cereal! all that. You are laughing and the household is lively and fun.

Give yourself enough pats, and they have a cumulative effect. You will find yourself feeling more positive. The change may be imperceptible at first - probably will be - but at some point you will look at yourself and realise that you are seeing yourself differently. All steam ahead then!

Look at you fighting. You are fab!

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 10:12:47

Thank you smile I managed to get a GP appointment today for 12:40pm but it was really difficult getting that. The receptionist first told me all appointments had gone and said only emergency ones left. I asked her for one of them and she asked what for. When I told her she said no that's not an emergency, can't give you one. I had to be very forcefull to get an appointment which is just crap. I was ringing for 20 mins from 8:00am trying to get through. It's just ridiculous. My children keep asking for their dad and he keeps texting, ringing, emailing. He has assumed we are still together and that he is having a break. Oh, thanks for the app idea, I will have a look

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 12:29:03

Good luck with the Dr, Strong, it's shit that you have to jump through hoops to get an appointment. I'd have lost it with a receptionist who told me my case wasn't urgent! angry
Turn your phone off. Don't reply. You both need to go No Contact. If he still thinks you are together - well, I think i'd be tempted to tell him straight;- 'you have been abusing me, and i am not standing for it any more. You have left me, thank god.. The End'.

namechangeforareasonablereason Tue 24-Sep-13 13:50:32

You are amazing.

When I was really bad my task was to leave my bedroom and Id feel I'd accomplished something if I did.

Look how strong you are keeping going for your girls. I'm proud of you. I'm struggling at the moment and you are inspiring me.

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:03:59

I actually told him straight this morning over the phone and then he hung up on me. Sent me a long txt all about him and how hes wasted his time looking after his kids whilst ive been working. i mean WTF!!!! wasted his time? i cant believe the things he comes out with. Im fuming!!!I just feel so broken at the minute. I'm up and down but managed to get some anti depresents from the doctors today. When I spoke to the ex on the phone he came out with, what is it this morning then? Really sarcastic. The kids keep asking for him and my youngest kept calling every man in the doctors surgery daddy, it was embarrassing.
NCFARR- I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment. I hope you are ok? Thank you for your lovely comment about be inspirational, it's very touching

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:08:01

Btw love the words by Winnie the Pooh

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 15:27:16

Stop answering the phone, then. He left you; why is he back on the phone, badgering you? why does he feel the need to comment on your health? And as for 'wasting' his time - well, that shows you what he thinks of 'women work'.
Dc wil lget used to it; if they are used to him being at home all the time, it may take a bit longer, but they will survive. They have you.
Bear in mind that ADs may take a while to work, and you may need to try a few before finding one which works for you.

Reading through this, you really have come a long way in a very short amount of time.
The women on this site are fantastic support.
Just wanted to say - you are doing great and you are an inspiration!
Stop reading his texts and emails. He is a selfish arse and it's all about him! Well it's not. This is now all about you and your DC.
Keep contact to the bare minimum for contact.
I hope the ADs kick in soon (can take a while though so don't expect miracles) and you can get your head back in balance.

marimeifod Tue 24-Sep-13 16:37:22

Hi Strong, I agree with all the other posters, you are an amazing lady who is just getting started and have more resources in you than you can possibly imagine at the moment. Your girls are lucky to have you.
Please keep swimming and keep persevering.
Your ex/chap is behaving like an utter cunt at the moment - that is his stuff, not yours. Try and keep contact as minimal as you can and protect yourself at the minute while you gather yourself and work where things are going.
Remember you need to eat well - if you can't face big meals, eat little and often. Apparently turkey is rich in tryptophan (happy mood chemical) so get some in and plenty of green veggies (maybe a stir fry?). Try and get some sleep as well but don't stress if you're struggling to drop off - get up, do something relaxing for about half an hour like reading or knitting, and try again.
I am glad that you've been to the GP and I hope that you persevere with the CBT. I know there must be so much pain flooding back from the burden other people have made you carry - but CBT is all about learning to challenge and overturn negative thoughts and anxieties, and the first step to neutralising all this pain and turn it into pure strength is to face it.
You are being so courageous, please pat yourself on the back and don't fear the future.

You're doing brilliantly strong. Your ex really is a manipulative joke isn't he. 'Wasting his time' looking after his kids? WTAF?? As the scales fall further and further from your eyes, you will really see him for the weak, using, abusive knob-jockey he is.

I second the advice not to reply to any emails or texts - or if you feel that you must, give him the stuck-record treatment: one firm reply to each contact saying something like 'You are harassing me. I will only respond to contact via your solicitor. You have left. The relationship is over.' And repeat.

You have shown incredible strength. You are awesome. You have been through so much all of your life - including being called such horrible names by a man who isn't worth the dirt on your shoe.

keep going. One day at a time. <<>>

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 18:22:32

Get a new sim and don't give him the number. You can put the new sim in once a week just to see if there's anything worth seeing.

Make a new folder just for his emails, and make a rule/script/whatever it's called for anything from him to go straight in there.

Email him, telling that you will be communicate about contact, child support and financial matters only, and only by email.

Get to a family law solicitor and get a free half hour to find out what your options are.

Keep all texts and emails from him. That doesn't mean you have to read them, though! If you can, you could ask someone else to look at them first, but otherwise look when you need to or when you're feeling strong enough not to be floored.

LondonNinja Tue 24-Sep-13 23:43:05

Great advice from PPs.

Well done for pushing for your doc appt. The medicine will work - but may take time - so do go easy on yourself and don't hesitate to see the GP again if you need to.

Your ex really is a piece of work. Jux's suggestion of a new phone is great. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this, but you're doing really well. I feel for you hearing your DCs asking for daddy. That's tough. But not as tough as seeing their mummy abused and treated appallingly. By going your way, you're rescuing them from learning dreadful things about how women 'should' be treated.

You go, girl!

marriedinwhiteisback Tue 24-Sep-13 23:44:53

Brilliant advice form Jux. You are the better person here; don't let him forget it. Come on "our kid" - chin up, girls out front, happy futures. Directive from the Viper's nest. And well done; we all have trouble with the Dr's receptionists at some point but you got through, you got to see the doctor and the anti-d's will kick in soon.

The sun was out today - shining just for you.

Jux Wed 25-Sep-13 10:55:42

Sorry, I meant "put the old sim in once a week". That's the number he'll be using, and if you transfer all important and current numbers to your new sim then the only person using the old number will be him; you really don't need to be in daily contact with him right now (or ever again), do you?

You are doing really well. Questions from children are hard; but you don't want to be answering questions like "why does daddy do x to you?" or try to explain why they mustn't call people horrid names but daddy can call you anything he likes, and so on, now do you? Better by far to have to tell them that daddy and mummy can't live together any more, but that you both still love them and that will never change.

Well done on the ad front. Persevere. I suspect you're pretty good at that wink

Don't give up, you'll be fine, you can do it.

confusedwithlifemum Wed 25-Sep-13 15:38:31

The fact that you have two beautiful daughters PROVES THAT YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Look at them they came from you. Rely on that. Secondly, they are I bet loving gently and full of fun. Just like their mum has taught them to be. So take heart the coward in this is NOT YOU but the Partner that gave up. There is a sentence in marriage vows (if you are a Christian or believer – for better or for worse), you are dealing with the worst. He couldn’t and so left. It was not your commitment to the relationship but HIS.
What hes done is to deflect it back onto you and you in turn now feel no good for it. Don’t let him.
YOU ARE TOUGHER THAN THAT YOU SURVIVED one of the worst things any child had to face. And you came out of it ALIVE and ended up with two beautiful children. RELY ON THAT. Those girls needs their mother and you are a wonderful example of sticking in there and coping even when it seems like theres nothing left. As you say you cannot afford to do self harm those girls need you. My suggestion. Speaking on this website is a help. But you need to see someone immediately, your local GP has a group they work with called LINK WORKERS. They are counsellors who help in stressful situations such as these. There is also an organisation called the Wellbeing Centre who also help with problems such as yours. And finally if speaking to a complete stranger would help go to your local church and wait for the service to end. Then speak to the Vicar/Minister or whomever you may like to visit. They are trained to help you through this.
You have not mentioned parents or friends do you have any? As I think you should have someone to sit with you for a while. Just to keep you company for a bit. The local Council should have a telephone number for Family carers association they might be able to help. But your best bet would be your GP and then you can take it from there. Keep us posted though we all on this site support you and would like to know if you are successfully or not. Don’t give up please otherwise you will having given the “b*st*d what he wanted to make him feel less guilty for being the coward and not supporting you when you needed it.

It doesn't feel like it yet, but it's a good thing he's left.
Life will get better
You sound like a strong person who's had to deal with a lot of crap/abuse
You can definitely make a better life for your dd's
Love and light to you x

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