Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can't believe he's doing this!(379 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.
Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.
I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.
I think that these days, men expect mothers to pay for the children. They want you to use every penny you earn from benefits or part time work to pay your equal half of the bills, end they get to keep everything they earn.
To me this is a feminist issue. Your partner is out of order.
Change or leave?
Have you spoken to him about this? Not about the fact he gave his mum money but that you can't afford to buy things for your family. Does he know you're struggling and that your mum buys your food shopping at times?
I don't understand why people come on here to discuss with strangers that their partners aren't helping out financially instead of actually speaking to their partners about it.
I am genuinely baffled whenever I see posts like this. Surely all income is family income when there are children involved, and all child expenses come out of that joint income?
I can see the value of each having personal money too, but IMO that should be an equal amount for each partner, again taken from the joint pot.
I simply wouldn't accept anything else.
Who are these men who think women should pay for children themselves as though they're an indulgent hobby? I am so glad my DP isn't one, but I wouldn't still be with him if he was, to me that's an unacceptable view. It does seem common though from reading MN.
Yes, I have spoken to him several times about this, he either tells me he's too tired to talk, he doesn't have any money to give me, or that I knew and accepted the arrangements before we moved in together.
I apologies for my post if it's not acceptable. I don't have anyone else to speak to, I don't have any friends and my mum would make the situation worse if she knew the extent of it.
auchaye I remember your last post and I can't believe you are no further forward this man is financially abusing you. I don't know what else to say to you. He is never going to talk to you about this because you have always accepted the 'status quo' that he has put in place. This is unfair on you and your children and even more unfair on your mum who is effectively supporting you and your partner.
What would your partner do if your mum stopped taking you shopping? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go hungry but would you and the children???
Sorry, I didn't mean your post isn't acceptable- far from it, you're in a shitty situation because of his weird views. I just genuinely don't get how men can seriously think this is a sensible humane way to behave in relationships.
I think reading countless threads like this really hammer home to me the point my mum made about why Child Benefit had to be universal and paid to the mum. I'm sure there are plenty of homes where the man earns over 60k and refuses to give his OH enough to sensibly live on.
What do these men need all their money for, if not to keep their entire family at the same level of living?
I realise I'm oversimplifying by saying 'men', it can be women earners with SAHDs or partners who earn less, so apologies for lazy shorthand.
I wouldn't be able to live with someone who was like that. There's a fundamental lack of respect and care for you and your children. Do you have any children together? I just wonder what he adds to your life.
Hold on - so even though you have LESS money than him you pay MORE of the household expenditure ? WTF ?!?
Did you "know and accept the arrangements" before you moved in together ? In other words, did he explicitly say to you that he would pay half the bills and mortgage ONLY and that you would also pay half the bills and mortgage PLUS ALL the food for EVERYONE, and buy ALL the children's clothes etc.
I find that very hard to believe.
You don't need us to tell you this is absolutely fundamentally wrong. The children are every bit as much his responsibility as yours and why the fuck does he consider himself so fucking superior that you should be pleased to feed him ?
If he really is stonewalling you over this and refuses to speak to you I'd be speaking to CAB and/or a solicitor instead. Chances are that you would be a lot better off without him and he would fucking well HAVE to pay you maintenance in respect of the children who are his. This shouldn't be about you feeling grateful if he ever deigns to toss you a few pounds, nor about feeling hard done by because he gives his mum money (though of course it goes without saying that you should take priority) because ALL the household income should be combined, and ALL the household expenditure taken out and then joint decisions made about what happens to any money left over. Failing that, if he's insistent upon "his" money - as he seems to be - then at the very least, bills and all other expenses should be divvied up as a proportion of your respective incomes.
However, I really do think you'd almost certainly be better off without him. What sort of "man" would see his kids go hungry and rely upon his MIL to ensure they don't ?
This is financial abuse OP.
(Yes Kiki, your point about CB is something which worried me when it was brought in. The govt assumes that high earners will allow their partners to access money fairly - not all of them do of course, and I'm sure there must be women (it's most often women) who are struggling a great deal more since that rule was brought in. In such households the financially abusive higher earner is hardly likely to let their partner keep claiming CB and then repay it through their tax code are they ?)
Sorry for hijack ...
I genuinely thought I had made a break through, I pinned him down and explained exactly how bad things were for me, he kept trying to put the conversation off, but I insisted. Then on Saturday I told him that the kids need new clothes (have done for months). His dad and step mum were coming to visit so he said he would go to the bank and give me money for them.
He and his dad left for football and he told me he had left the money out for me, I went to go get it, £40 to buy 3 children winter coats and clothes. He said he didn't realise how much things cost (as he stood there in his £300 Hugo boss wool coat). He said that was literally all the money he could afford to give me as I hadn't paid my share of the bills yet.
Then magically finds a few hundred to give his mum. I'm getting angry!
When I try to speak to him about it he becomes defensive and verbally aggressive, I end up giving up, I'm sat there holding my baby while he's throwing his arms about animated.
Throw him out, claim maintenance from the CSA and you'll be so much better off. He really is completely unreasonable.
You got a lot of good advice last time and it seems you have tried to talk to him.
He isn't listening - he's still abusing you.
You know what you need to do.
You will be much better off financially and won't be struggling as much.
Get out and get all your benefits and get his child maintenance.
He won't like that one bit then maybe he'll decide he's ready to talk about the situation.
You need to take some positive action now! For you and your children.
Go to CAB and Women's Aid and see what help and support they can offer you.
Do it today!!! Stop putting up with this - it's madness.
Look at your relationship. What does he give you? Love? Support? Laughter? Fun? Happiness?
He sounds completely draining and totally disrespectful to you and your DC needs.
Come on. Get that strength and start the ball rolling to get better financial support for you and your children. That is your responsibility now as he won't help you at all!
£40 for coats and boots for 3 kids even if you could get that what kind of quality does he think they'll be?????
You'll be better off financially and emotionally without him, if I remember rightly you aren't even on the mortgage are you? He's massively ripping the piss. You and your poor children are being treated like second class citizens. I would be making my exit plans Auch seriously
It's the doubt that he puts upon me that stops me, when I speak to him and say how desperately unhappy I am, he turns it back on me, that I put unachieveable tasks on him, I put him down etc. I end up questioning myself, am I being unreasonable, is it my fault, are my expectations too high.
At points when I have made up my mind that the relationship is over, he insists that it is myself that causes the unhappiness that if I tried a bit harder to not be miserable things would be better. That by leaving I am putting myself before our children, which I guess I would be.
No auch by buying himself a fucking £300 coat and expecting you to clothe the kids on £40 HE is putting HIMSELF before the children. You would be doing them a favour by getting out.
He sounds like a manipulative twunt! You are not the unreasonable one in this relationship!!!
I haven't given him any money this month, things are decidedly nasty between us. He continues to ask for money, I'm standing my ground.
How could you be putting yourself before the children by leaving, when you would be doing so because want to give them the things they should have, like winter coats? He doesn't want to clothe them properly! So who is putting themselves before the kids, you or him?
Tell him if you had the money to live on properly you would not be miserable. It is him who is causing this and he should be ashamed of himself as a father who refuses to look after his kids properly. Do his family know he does this?
Don't doubt yourself any more. Your kids will be better off if you split because then he will have to pay more than he does now and they will get their winter coats that their father - a disgrace - doesn't want to buy them.
Tell him if he can afford to give his mother money but not you, then you need to keep your own because your kids need it, since he won't support them.
By leaving you would be thinking of your children - and putting their needs first - they need food, proper clothes etc - and their father is denying them that. Separating would mean that you would suddenly be able to meet their basic needs.
He's lying. He can afford to feed and clothe his children, he just doesn't want to. Sadly I think your only options are: (i) accept this; or (ii) leave him.
Really glad to hear you're standing your ground. Don't give in.
The house is in his name, if we split the dc and I would be homeless.
Last week we had a flaming row over him not making appropriate arrangements to come to our baby daughters medical assessment, I was livid and told him I'd had enough, he then threatens to call our estate agent to put the house on the market. It's the first time he's ever said it, but it definitely worried me, if he did sell the house, the dc and I would be homeless and I wouldn't be entitled to a penny despite having paid half the mortgage for the past 5 years.
I'm pretty screwed in that respect.
I'm not in a position to save an exit fund as I struggle to buy the basics to feed the dc, come Friday I don't have enough money to get dd2 to nursery so end up putting both in slings (one on my front and one on my back) and walking the 40 minutes to nursery. He knows I do this, but says it good exercise for me (I have a heart condition).
Do you think he's keeping you skint on purpose?
Is there no legal way you would have rights put in place.. tell him you're not paying any more on the mortgage until it happens? (I don't know anything about that sort of thing). There must be a way to get out if you needed to.
Of He has kids to you.. he's not allowed to make you homeless is he?
If it got to threats of selling up.. personally I would call his bluff and stop handing money over. Get a bit of a cushion while planning the next step. Pretty much allergic to emotional blackmail.. puts the hackles up.
If you have paid half the mortgage for the past five years, then yes you do have a claim and I suggest you contact a solicitor asap how to make sure you protect that.
My god what a horrible man! I think you need to get some legal advice about where you would stand if you end things. You can't go on like this. He is incredibly selfish and abusive. Please get away from him
You do have a claim to the house as you have contributed to the mortgage, however IIRC in your last thread you said he will only take cash, so you have no evidence of your payments?
It sounds to me as though he is intentionally trapping you in the relationship with no way out. You need to seek legal advice ASAP.
get yourself to a solicitor now! You need advice on protecting yourself should he sell the house.
He knew exactly what to say to keep you on the straight and narrow didn't he? he knew that leaving you worried about the house was the best way to avoid talking about the fact he doesn't contribute to the upbringing of his children.
However, at the end of the day. if he sold up and you had to move out - you would still be better off. You would be angry and wronged - but rid of him...
From an earlier comment of yours Auch:-
"It's the doubt that he puts upon me that stops me, when I speak to him and say how desperately unhappy I am, he turns it back on me, that I put unachieveable tasks on him, I put him down etc. I end up questioning myself, am I being unreasonable, is it my fault, are my expectations too high".
He is emotionally abusive as well as being financially abusive. He sets you up each time to fail and he was never ever going to listen to you at all. He does not think he is doing anything at all wrong re how he treats yourself. Financially abusive men are often abusive in other ways too, I am not unfortunately surprised that he is abusive in this way as well.
I would seek urgent legal advice, is there printed evidence (bank statements etc) of you paying into his mortgage for the last 5 years?.
He is keeping you skint on purpose and he will let you go without deliberately to keep you trapped. You can and must break free of this though, the damage being done here emotionally to you and your children is incalculable. He is the cause of your inherent unhappiness, not you.
Just a quick post with regard to your conviction that you would have no right on the marital home:
""Even if a house is only in the name of one spouse, if it is the marital home the other has a legal right of occupation for as long as they remain married to each other," says Lancaster. "It would be unusual for each party not to receive at least some share of the equity even if the house was only in the name of one of them."
He advised that after a marriage breakdown, a partner who lived in a house which was in the sole name of his or her spouse should act quickly: "You should protect your position as soon as possible by entering a Notice of Home Rights against the property with the Land Registry. This should prevent your spouse from selling the property without your knowledge or consent whilst you remain married.""
Quoted from this article: www.theguardian.com/money/2013/feb/15/divorce-what-happens-to-the-family-home
Please do read it!
Of course he is keeping OP skint on purpose.
And if I recall from previous post, there is NO evidence of payment towards mortgage. He was very clever there as well and made OP pay cash!!! He is a complete and utter shit!
Call CAB and WA today and get your exit plan together.
You will get housed and you will get benefits and you will get maintenance. Imagine how much happier you will be without this vile man putting you down, making you feel bad, like it's your fault (YOU know it isn't!!) and leaving you basically penniless.
Get on the phone now and get it sorted out.
Sorry to be so blunt and LTB but this hiddeous person is not what you or your children deserve!
Call his bluff and tell him to put the house on the market. Best case scenario, you can make a claim on it because you have contributed to the mortgage - see a solicitor about this - and you will be able to use it to set yourself up in a new place even if it's a rental. Worst case scenario, your local authority will have to house you, and you can claim maintenance off him. Either way you would have more actual cash than you do now, from the sound of it.
I'm sure this has been said but ring Women's Aid. They will know how to advise you as someone who is being financially abused and they will have heard it all before.
This guy is bad news. He is abusing you financially and emotionally.
You really do need to see a solicitor.
I'd be tempted to call his bluff and stop giving him money for the mortgage. He gets no more money until your name is on that mortgage too.
Would moving in with your mum be an option if he did sell the house?
That article applies to married couples.
The rights of unmarried partners to a home owned legally solely by the other partner are far fewer, and far harder to establish.
Legal advice is essential.
Please please seek legal advise OP. Or call Women's Aid as a first step - they'll be able to reassure you that you are putting the children first and that you have NOTHING to reproach yourself for ( I bet you're not swaggering about in a £300 coat while your kids go without are you ?)
Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
I'm gobsmacked at the gall of someone who demands money from you when you have no other means of feeding and clothing your children while he wears designer clothes, has a social life (football at least) and can give away 100s. Fucking bastard.
You do realise that when you attempt to speak to him and he suggests your expectations are "too high" etc that the only reason he makes you doubt yourself - and therefore stay - is because at the moment YOU are subsidising HIM. That is why he can afford fancy stuff and to play Mr Bountiful ..... because you're enabling him to get away with paying just half the costs he'd otherwise have to bear on his own, AND you are also feeding him to boot. Worse, because he gives you NO money for HIS children, he's also completely getting away with things as if he was a single, childless man. Better than that in fact, because single people usually have to pay 100% of their bills unless they have a lodger.
I really think that even if you have to leave and find social housing or private rent with HB that you will be so much better off. You really will. And short of giving up work or vanishing abroad this nasty pathetic specimen will HAVE to step up and meet his full financial responsibility for his kids. I know you're worried about losing the payments you've made towards the mortgage - which is why you must take legal advice, yes, you're in a precarious position, but you may be able to make some sort of claim not least because you have children - but even if you have to take the hit on that now, surely it's better to cut your losses and go forward in a far far better financial position ? Not to mention a better emotional position too because the way he's treated you and the children must be completely soul sapping.
You have absolutely nothing to lose by getting advice from people who understand what it's like to be in your position and who can help you to move forward. In fact, your current situation is so dire that you'll almost certainly be much better off without him. Just imagine how it will feel to be able to manage your own budget without having to subsidise this greedy, entitled, repulsive excuse for a man and father. Think how it'll feel to know each month that you can afford to feed and clothe your kids - and to completely remove that toxic presence from your life. I can only begin to imagine how you must feel seeing him in that coat while his kids barely get £13 for coats, shoes and other clothes. I would want to kill him - though am obviously not suggesting you do. Though I'd also be extremely tempted to eBay the fucking coat and anything else of his I could get my hands on .... I say that somewhat tongue in cheek because I wouldn't want you to put yourself in any danger by doing such a thing but really, it's a no brainer - kids' basic needs come first by a long mile.
OP - please make that call and start this ball rolling. Your kids deserve better and so do you. No-one deserves to be treated like this.
Ah, I thought you were married, that does put a different angle on things.
Riot is correct when we first moved in I was dealing with a lot (heavily pregnant, my dad had just passed away unexpectedly and caring for my disabled mum) so handed over cash to cover the bills and mortgage. When things had quietened down I asked repeatedly for his bank info to set up a standing order, which was never forthcoming. He said it was actually easier just to deal in cash, I didn't question it.
Theres no paper trail as evidence that I've paid anything to the mortgage. If I'm honest I don't even know who our mortgage provider is or how much the repayments are. I have asked but been fobbed off, initially it didn't bother me, it was being taken care of but when I tried to push for the info I was stonewalled.
That's a pity but even if you write off what you have paid towards the mortgage, you will be better off separating now. If you stay you are throwing good money after bad, in a number of ways.
You will have had to take the same amount of cash out of your account around once a month though? I think a solicitor could use this as evidence that you were paying something continuously.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY
he isnt just abusing you he is financially and emotionally abusing your children and it is your duty to protect th
The only coat I own is the one my mum bought me when I was pregnant because she was sick of me being out in winter with just a cardi, I told her I was always too hot, she went out and got me a coat.
I know this is going to sound weird, but I don't feel like I'm being abused? I keep looking for enough justification to be the one to bail out, upset the children's lives and leave him dealing with selling the house (because I WOULD feel guilty doing this). I think of abused women and see a timid, scared controlled person. I don't see myself as that.
He's been very cunning and you may wind up losing your potential beneficial interest in the house (but ask a solicitor; it's possible that there's a way round the lack of paper trail). But you need to get out of this relationship; he's financially abusing you and he's gaslighting you on top of that. You would be better off on your own with the DCs and getting CSA maintenance from him.
If the house isn't in your name then I assume the mortgage isn't in your name either?
You will be better off when you leave him. It will be difficult and an upheaval for you all, but you and your children will be financially and emotionally better off. You'll be entitled to HB and to more CTC than you currently get.
Please call women's aid. They will advise you and support you. He is treating you and your children (and his children!) appallingly.
This is a man who has a £300 coat, and who gave you £40 to buy coats and shoes for 3 children and you cannot see the abuse.
Without wanting to sound harsh, your maintenance from your ex is for his child, not to prop up the family so your current DP can swan about in designer gear while the children go without.
You are their mother, it is down to you to look after them. That can mean making really, really hard decisions, is this the role model you want for them, that they are second best?? Is this how you would want them to treat their children.
On the phone to women's aid, feel like a phoney though. Surely this is for women in physical danger?
emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, all abuse honey.
You have less income than him, and yet you are paying for a very significantly higher portion of the household expenses than he is.
Your children are left without winter coats or warm clothes while he spends hundreds on himself, yet he has convinced you that keeping them living with him is "putting them first".
He's manipulated you into a position where you may not have any rights in the house that you've been paying for, and yet you'd feel guilty if he had to sell it.
And yet you don't feel abused.
He has really done a number on you, hasn't he?
Can you find out who the mortgage is with and how much the monthly payments are? I'd be interested to see how much of the monthly payments you are covering. I hope you are ok.
Thank God you're finally doing something about thiat AuchAye.
I must have missed your update on the other thread, because I have been waiting to hear from you.
He's repulsive, abusing you financially and emotionally.
For God's sake, follow this through properly this time. I can't believe how much it upsets me that you and your DC are living like this.
You don't feel like you are being abused? You have been without a coat in the winter due to lack of money. You are suffering undue stress with paying for things you shouldn't have to be. You have not got enough money to pay for winter essentials like coats and warm clothes for BOTH of your children. You have no record in writing of paying for your house even though you have contributed.
If you don't feel like you are being abused (and I struggle with that myself) then think of your children, please. Sorry if I sound harsh. I am so angry with your situation and feel awful for you.
Cross post with Pachacuti sorry. I hope you can see from all these posts that this is not acceptable behaviour to you and your children.
I lived with an emotional abuser. He put me down all the time, made life hell if I wanted to see my own friends and family, told me I didn't make enough effort, told me if I were a nicer person he wouldn't have to keep putting me right etc etc.
I didn't feel abused - I was still going to work, earning money etc etc. it was just that I could go to a team night out or whatever because the nagging was so life-sucking.
And then a couple of times I caught myself thinking, mid-argument, "oh for god's sake just hot me so I can leave" (his body language was getting more violent, raising hands etc)
It took a few weeks after that, but I left. Never looked back. Still hoped he died from something long and painful though.
If the mortgage is in his name, you should NOT be paying half of it. Never ever pay on a mortgage that you dont have a claim on. When my XH first moved into my house, he paid half of everything except the mortgage and I continued to pay that on my own so that he had no claim on the house.
Can you prove you have been paying half of the mortgage? If you can, then you might have some sort of claim if it were to be sold. I see that you have been giving him cash, but if you can prove the regular withdrawal each month.
Can you sit down and make a list of the bills and food costs etc, so that you can show how much that cost each month and the balance was towards the mortgage? He should also be paying for half of the food costs and clothing. Are all the DC his? If some aren't, then is that why he doesn't want to pay for their food and clothes? But when you move in with somebody with a child, you are taking on that child as your own surely... and would help to pay for things that maintenance doesnt cover. (may not be the issue here I know).
If he is saying that he can sell the house and make you homeless then he is saying that you have no claim on the house. Therefore, that obviously means that you should not be paying the mortgage.
You really do need to get some legal advice.
Whatever happens, do not give him any more money, make sure that the CB and WTC are in an account in your name only that he cant touch.
Throwing it all back on you is the oldest trick in the book, dont fall for it.
It seems hes not only financialy abusive but emotionaly abusive too.
'by leaving I am putting myself before our children'
He got to be fucking having a laugh with this!
So what is he doing when he spends all the family money on himself then?
Sorry but what an a**hole.
In truthy I think the only option you have now is to organise the practicalities of leaving him.
Then ask him straight if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
If he claims he does then you just have to tell him how its going to be (beforehand write out a fair financial plan for everyone in the family), and any deviation, now or in the future, will mean you and the kids are out the door.
Oh, I volunteered for womens aid for a while. It wasn't uncommon for people to forget the exact details of physical injuries they'd suffered, but remember for ever the emotional wounds - the cruel words, the threats, the feeling worthless.
You are worth so much more than this.
This makes me feel sick, what an arsehole that man is
give up on the house, if you have been paying cash, then you will end up spending a lot on a solicitor for nothing, but get a new account, leave him to pay bills and mortgage while you sort out children, save for a deposit on a flat or a house and get out
remember he will HAVE to pay CSA assessed maintenance whether he likes it or not
You walk for 40 minutes with two kids strapped to you, with a heart condition, because you can't afford a bus.Your mum had to buy you a coat. Your kids have no winter coats.
Your children are suffering and you are living the life of American eighteenth century slave. Yes, really. Not having warm clothes, struggling to feed your kids, having to walk everywhere because you can't afford transport. These are your own words.
Is that acceptable to you? Is it acceptable for your children?
No. I didn't think so. And I think you know that. So forget all the words in between. Just look at the facts of your everyday life and decide that they are simply not acceptable. Make the break.
Do you feel strong enough to stop feeding him as well? If he wants food, he can buy it/contribute to the cost of the food shopping.
I would sod the money you've put into the house, let the miserable cunt wallow in his house and get your children to a better place. It will be the best money you've ever spent.
You are NOT a fraud.
I've been shocked at the abuse you are suffering on a daily/hourly basis.
This man is the model for your children's futures! Seriously, it's that simple.
If you want them to be like this man or put with the crap of a man like this as you do, then you can choose to stay.
I know from your posts though, that you are almost ready to get out.
From all of our responses, you must be starting to realise the awful abuse this man has put upon you for years!
Time to make that plan - well done for calling WA.
They will see this for what it is - ABUSE!!! And hopefully they can get you out safely and with lots of support.
Keep strong and keep going!
I would call it physical abuse to deliberately not buy your kids the winter clothes they need. That's what he's doing. If you don't think you're being abused (and actually I think you are) then your kids certainly are.
i think you need to go through all his paperwork to find out who the mortgage provider is, get his bank details and make copies of all the paperwork. then i would stop buying food for the house, i would not pay half the mortgage or half of any the other bills come to that, just tell him you have no money - he can scream and shout but what else can he do? if he does anything else phone the police. i wouldnt let him go to the football - i would force him to come shopping for the kids so he knows how expensive things are.
but given your other posts i dont think he will listen - the only way it will stop is if you leave him.
Surely this is for women in physical danger?
It's for women who need help, but have no other way to access it. If you had the money to afford a solicitor, you'd be doing that. You need legal advice and have nowhere else to get it.
He says he doesn't have enough money to pay the bills himself.
He just put £1000 down payment on a new car.
Gave his mum £300.
Received an insurance payment of £800 due to a leak in the bathroom (we already replaced the floor which I payed half of).
WE were given £500 (£250 each) from his dad which I never saw.
Yet I literally can't buy food to feed our children.
What did Womens Aid say
Womens aid is for women who are suffering any kind of abuse - physical, emotional, financial; that they can't live with and want to get away from.
No, you don't feel abused. Many don't. There are threads on here all the time from women who don't feel they are being abused and then slowly through the thread the scales fall from their eyes.
You are being shockingly abused. He is taking half the mortgage payments from you to pay for a house in which you have no legal rights (sadly I learned this from experience). I only got a share of my xp's house because I could prove with a copy of the cheque, that I had paid for the central heating and windows, and this is classed as adding to the value of the house and therefore entitled me to a share of its value.
The maintenance for your elder child is being used to subsidise your 'd'p being able to spend all his own wages on himself. It should be used to provide for your eldest.
Move out, get housing benefit, tax credits, CB, and go through cb for maintenance for the other children.
its no wonder he wants you to stay - he only has to pay half his mortgage and bills and no expenses for the children. If you leave he has to pay full mortgage and bills, and maintenance.
I've never said this before on mumsnet but -
L. T. B.
You need to stop giving him money, if you have stopped giving him money then you have enough to sort the children out for now?
Prepare to move yourself out into a little house somewhere else, just do it, don't engage with him, don't give him anymore money.
It sounds like your mum might be able to help you with that, pay some of the deposit or whatever. There is no point engaging with him, just leave. Take as much furniture as you can.
W.A agreed and was actually shocked at the level of abuse (wow, that was hard to type) that is going on. She said something that has really shocked me, this is going to get worse.
This is my normal relationship, I don't find it strange or emotionally hard to deal with, it just is. But it's not normal is it? This has become so normal that I feel that I would be leaving for very little reason. That's what I'm struggling with most.
When (yes, absolutely when, not if) I do leave, when I tell him, he's going to make it seem like (and make me feel like) I'm leaving for nothing.
I bet you've been fully covering the mortgage, and not half. It wouldn't surprise me if he's pulled the wool over your eyes.
Go searching for paperwork around the house, and make copies op. Don't give a hint as to what you're doing. Make sure he's out, and do it then.
you will be leaving to make a better life for your children
Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and many women do not recognise such abuse particularly in the early stages through no fault of their own. You have become conditioned to it, it is currently your normal.
You would not be leaving him and with your children in tow for no good reason. Abusers like your man have a great knack in making it all out to be the other person's fault as indeed is the case here.
You now know differently, you need to take that knowledge forward and make plans to leave this man before he destroys you and by turn your children emotionally as well as financially.
Don't communicate with him. If he asks you for money say 'no' prepare to leave, put down a deposit on a house, get some mates to come and pack with you and just leave. Do everything else through mediation and csa.
It was a random comment from a work colleague that had my world crashing down around my ears (I will never forget that moment as long as I live) and had me realise that my 'normal' was other peoples 'holy shit how can you live like that'
so, the fact that you feel its normal, is perfectly normal iyswim.
You don't have to tell him that you are planning to leave. Keep a note of the date that you last had the discussion with him about money. When the time comes you can take that discussion, and the £40 for the three kids, as your 'final straws'.
If similar things come up in the meantime before you leave, then keep a note of dates, times and discussion too.
You have tried to broach the subject with him. He has brushed you off. He WILL make you feel like you are leaving for nothing, because to him it IS nothing. Your happiness and financial situation to him are NOTHING. He has been sponging off you, your children, and your eldest's father, for years.
As I said in my last post, its very much in his financial interest to get you to stay on the current arrangement. He will shit himself at the thought of having to pay all his bills and maintenance, but then any future maintenance will still probably be less than what he should have been contributing to the pot anyway.
WHEN you leave, if you need any discussions with him then get someone to be with you whenever you have contact with him, who can support you, stick up for you and not let him talk you into coming back.
No more. Can you go to your mums, it sounds like she is pretty much aware of the situation already.
I have an age 6 woollen navy duffel coat in the charity shop bag. if you want it PM me.
Could you try to think about it from an outsider's perspective?
Imagine this was your daughter. Imagine seeing her with no coat in the winter, struggling to feed her children, having no security in the house she lived in, and all the while her husband bought nice cars, nice clothes, had gym membership, and constantly asked her for extra money.
Do you think that you would feel enraged that someone was treating her this way? Do you think you can start letting that rage build for yourself a little bit?
There's also this to consider - all the time that you stay in the house (and it's fine if you want to), your children will be learning from your example. You are teaching them that this is an acceptable way to be treated/to treat others.
How would you answer their questions when they get older and start asking whether the situation is completely fair? Would you be able to look at them in the eye and say 'yes, of course this is fair! Of course I am happy?'
But yes, also massive, massive hugs. It's hideous when that realisation starts to happen. Be gentle (but firm) with yourself.
It is such a relief to hear you saying you're definitely going to leave. Stick with us, we'll get you through.
He doesn't get to decide what you will put up with. That in itself is abusive - trying to make your decisions for you. You have the right to say 'your treatment of me is not acceptable to me and I'm leaving'.
Wrt the mortgage - he's fucked you over, sure. If I were you I'd view it as rent and let it go. You need to get out and on your own two feet, that's more important than chasing equity that you may never see.
Don't give him a penny towards anything from now on.
Are you married?
Tell your mum what's happening get as many things and people on side before walking out (I'd ebay his worldly goods pocket the cash before going).
you'll be amazed out how much better off financially, emotionally and physically you are when you've dropped the dead weight.
I'm on right move just now looking at houses.
What do I tell my kids, are they going to blame me!?
Yes, you are being abused, as well as your children.
I'd suggest you stop doing things for him and buying him food, plus leave it to him to supply half the meals for his children.
See if he lets them go hungry.
you'll be amazed at how much they've picked up.
They'll be delighted to have food on the table, clothes that fit and an unstressed mummy.
Your children will understand if you explain it in plain terms to them.
If they do end up having a better life (he'll have to pay maintenance as well) they will thank you.
Auch Honey, your children won't blame you. They love you and will be content just having their happy mum back.
You've had such an awakening on this thread and you've been so brave to contact WA and start looking for somewhere to leave to.
Please go to CAB too for a benefit check. They can let you know what you are entitled to and signpost any other help you may qualify for.
Good luck, we're all rooting for you
Just reading through this thread and I'm really shocked that a man can put football, new car, expensive coat etc before feeding and clothing his family. What on earth are you getting from this relationship?
Glad that you've put the wheels in motion to get out of there. You'll probably find your children to be more resilient than you think.
Good luck with the move and think positively. You've wasted far too much time and energy on this man already. xxxxx
Of course your dc are not going to blame you! You are doing the right thing for them. And for you.
HE is a selfish twat .
Well done again for talking to WA.
I'm sure it's all quite a shock for you at the moment.
Take some time for you to get your head around all of this.
You have had it confirmed whole-heartedly by a professional organisation that specialise in this - that you are indeed suffering some serious abuse.
Now it's time to get your plan together for leaving.
It won't be easy.
There will be all sorts of things to consider.
Other MNers will be along soon to tell you what you need to get out of the house.
If you have passports for yourself and the children - get them to your mum for safe keeping.
If you can get any of his payslips or bank statements then get copies and again give them to someone else for safe keeping.
Any other paperwork you can get your hands on. Birth certificates etc.... Do it and do it quick before he notices anything is amiss.
As you start to formulate your plan, you will relax more and looking forward to leaving so he may notice your mood change and may suspect something is up. So try to keep as normal as possible.
I hope rightmove have some suitable places but your first stop is definitely CAB for all your benefits and entitlements!
Good luck - so pleased to see you are finally understanding this man's (I use that term loosley) horrible abuse of you and your children.
Keep it together and then get out when it's best for you and the children.
You will start to find yourself again and your children will be so much happier away from seeing their mother being abused day in and day out.
Well done and keep the momentum going.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) from me too!!
If you have decided to leave him, he may notice a change in your attitude towards him (from dependent person begging for money to a calmer 'meh') and it may worry him. He may even start being nice. Don't fall for it.
Thank you all so much! I'm scared, very actually, but exhilarated!
Honestly I don't he'd notice if I was on fire, unless he wants sex or something else from me.
You're doing the right thing. This man is stealing from your children. He is making your children go hungry and cold. Courage. Everything will be SO much better sooner than you realise.
Of course you are scared.
The future is now unknown for you.
But please take comfort that no-one has left an abusive man and regretted it!!!
Here's to the beginning of your new happy life away from the fuckwit!
I'm so glad to hear this auch I'm guessing from your username you are in Scotland somewhere? I'm in the central belt, feel free to PM me if I can do anything to help you I will.
Your children will NOT blame you. They will be happier because the will have a happier mummy. Could you move in with your mum and contact the council about getting housed through them rather than a private let? This is a positive thing you are doing and I am happy to hold your hand and help as much as I can
have some unmumsnetty hugs ((hugs)))
The best thing you can do for your children and for yourself is leave.
You will be so much better off financially and emotionally. You will be in control of your own money for your family.
He is an absolute tosser!
He is abusing you.
He is abusing the children.
The children will not blame you for leaving once they understand and if they do blame you they are just too young to realise.
Do not give him anything else.
Stop sleeping with him and cleaning up after him.
Stop buying and cooking food for him.
Good for you OP! Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Keep us updated, we will support you through this
Auch, I'm sorry to admit this, but your thread has just made me cry. I was raging before - still am - but have just read that you've called WA, which is so brave and so brilliant - and then you said you felt exhilarated at the thought of going - and that set me off.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Please take all the advice WA offer you - and don't be scared to come on here when you need support - virtual or otherwise (lots of people will want to help practically if they can). I hope you're accessing MN via a passworded log-in ? .... please take care that he doesn't get wind of what you're planning just yet because he will try to persuade you otherwise as you're his cash cow.
I think once you're away from him it'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you. It's hard to envisage now because you've been used to this for so long and have been so worn down and worn out by it, but believe me, you will be amazed by how much better things suddenly become. I also strongly suspect that you'll see a big difference in your kids - I'm totally sure you're doing your very best for them now and obviously trying to protect them from what you're enduring, but at the same time, very sadly, they will probably have absorbed (even if not consciously) the fact that their mum is so stressed and worried all the time. You are absolutely doing the best thing for them by sorting this appalling situation out once and for all. Your standard of living - and theirs - is going to improve so much ..... okay, it may not be easy, but it will be miles better than now, and you'll have no-one to answer to but yourself, and no-one to manipulate you either.
I'm sorry to say he doesn't love you, and nor does he love the kids. If he did, there's no way he'd have behaved the way he has. I missed the earlier detail about your heart condition - how dare he fucking well put your health at risk by withholding money and/or snaffling a greater share than can possibly be fair ? And the rest of course. If he doesn't love you then what would the point in staying be anyway ? By leaving, you start on the rest of your life - and have the opportunity to meet someone decent at some point in the future (if that's what you eventually want) who'll treat you with real love and kindness.
As for him - he can go to hell. As others have suggested I too wondered exactly how much of the mortgage you're actually paying. Come to that do you actually see the other bills ? - or does he just demand "his half" ? Also agree that it's prudent now to copy everything you can possibly find - mortgage statements, bank statements, bills, wage slips and so on. Whether you can actually use this I don't know but it can't do any harm to gather as much written evidence as you can about your household set up. Just be careful you do this when he's guaranteed to be out for some time. Yes - solicitors cost, but many do still offer an introductory session at a reduced fixed rate so far as I know, and WA may also be able to recommend a solicitor experienced in this area who won't charge the earth.
You're being so brave. Keep posting and let "us" all try to help and support you through this - whether with reassurance, sympathy, advice/suggestions or whatever - however silly it seems, if it's worrying you, or if it's making you waver, don't feel ashamed of posting it - someone will always reply.
Moving in with my mum isn't an option, she's a saint but smokes like a chimney (80 a day) so I couldn't have the dc in that environment, but I have spoken to her in the past about my situation being difficult and between her and my sister have offered money for a deposit.
My life is made hell if I 'withhold' sex, he stomps around the house, is snappy with the kids and is utterly belligerent, grabs at me constantly. It's easier for everyone just to lie there and think of winning the lottery.
It isn't easier for you.
Take all help offered in order to leave, that deposit from your mother and sister will be helpful.
You need to be away from this man asap. At least then as well this twunt would not be having sex on you either. I stated earlier than financially abusive men are often abusive in other ways, the example you quoted was yet another example of abuse on his part.
Oh honey, just get out. You don't have to live like this he is incredibly abusive, your body, finances and mind are not his property.
Let us know if you need a hand house hunting, I'm pretty sure the property porn lot can turn their hands at finding suitable places for you.
AuchAye - I did the same this time last year, and it was terrifying, but within weeks I knew my daughter would be so much better off for it, as was I. I too felt exhilarated and proud that I could manage on my own. From paying all the bills, to working full time (or whatever suits your situation) I could do it. It made me realise that my "normal" was not at all, and I went through all manner of emotions to accept that. Family and friends helped me when I thought I was on my own. The best thing, is that although I missed the person i fell in love with all them years (15) ago, I knew that that person didnt exist in the "man" he is today, hes proved that with his horrendous letting down of our daughter since (who is 11), you can do this. You will be stronger for doing this. We are here for you xxx
Reading your last post, it's even more urgent that you do leave the bastard.
I hope all goes well. Fingers crossed for you.
Yes, it's ABUSE! Hold on to the anger and turn it into positive energy. Find somewhere else to live, don't give him any more money and get legal advice about everything you paid (half) for in this house, which he is very likely keeping and not selling.
Making you pay cash for everything, what a cunning piece of ....
He knows exactly what he is doing. Tread carefully and get out.
So pleased you are getting help with a deposit.
Have you contact CAB yet?
What is the next step with WA?
Your last post is heartbreaking all over again.
Get away and fast. I was thinking you could take your time but you really need to get out of there and quick sharp!
Good luck and keep us updated.
Ask any questions on here - so many helpful people to guide you!
Thank you so much catsmother, the wonderful support really is giving me so much strength.
I've got an appointment with CAB tomorrow. I've called some letting agents and have found some places that would enable dd1(12years) to stay at her school.
He is home now, though just gone straight to bed. Thank you for the advice to log out, I'd actually forgotten to delete the history as well, so done that now.
I've managed to find some bank bits, but it's not making much sense to me. The mortgage looks to be with abbey national, but as suggested the amount is roughly £150 less than what my half would contribute to.
it gets worse...you are paying 3/4 of the mortgage! I hope this is spurring you on.
what would happen if you asked him to take the kids to shop for coats and him to shop for food?
Abbey National as an institution no longer exist, they were taken over by Santander. Anything related to them on his bank statement?.
My guess is that he has tricked you into paying more than 50% of his mortgage payment. Take the financial stuff you find to the CAB if safe to do so.
How can any person think it is right that they stand there in a £300 coat and begrudge £40 for coats and shoes to share between 3 children?
Nasty selfish wanker.
Are you the one who has been handing over cash rather than paying via the bank for the mortgage etc? I think you are screwed over that. All you can do is consider your share rent for the length of time you have been there and a bargain to get rid of this entitled ass.
Christ almighty, and I thought my Dh's ex was a class act.
If your mum and sister have offered you money for a deposit take it, they must know just how bad it is and want you out of there.
I remember your other thread Auch. You are doing the right thing leaving, and I'm glad you've got the support of your mum and sister.
Hate to sound negative but CAB is often run by volunteers who don't have any legal training.
(my ex boss used to do it one day per afternoon and some of the advice she told us she gave out re employment and tenancies etc was jawdroppingly wrong.)
So I'd ask them for advice about benefits etc but as regards any share of the house you might be entitled to, I'd have the free half hour with a solicitor. Although, going back to my own experience of contributing to a house that I wasn't on the deeds for, you may have to write that off as 'rent' for the last few years. I DID get a share of the house but most of that went to the solicitor who did not warn me that his fees in fighting for it would actually take most of my settlement. I've always regretted not walking away from that money and looking on it as rent - would have saved myself 3 years of stress.
If he HAS been overcharging you for your share of the mortgage then he is truly scum. The only thing I can think of is that the mortgage figure you saw was the interest only bit and there might be an endowment somewhere that he also has you paying half of. BUT those havent' been popular for about 10 - 15 years now. Also, if you are looking at that figure on an old statement (blood now starting to boil on your behalf here) its very possible that with the interest rate plummets of the past few years, he still has you paying the figure that it was years ago while his actual payments have reduced. OR he is using your money to make overpayments and benefit himself in the long run.
Wow, AuchAyethenoo you sound like you are on a roll - keep it going, onwards and upwards. Your thread has made me want to cry. If you feel yourself weakening imagine yourself in a few months time in a new home with your children, happy and content - you deserve it. He's a c*nt, he won't change and you deserve better.
You and the dc will be so much better off without this piece of crap in your lives - financially and emotionally.
Another abusive fuckwit half-starving a person and their children.
youre so.brave and im so glad youre making plans to leave him... keep strong for yours and your childrens sake.
Auch, well done. You are doing great.
I know it must be galling to think of how much money you've lost with nothing to show for it, but it's the old sunk cost fallacy, no matter how long you were to stay, you'd be throwing more and more into this black hole.
You need to just cut your losses and go. You'll probably find things are a lot easier for you than they have been.
The wise women here will talk you through the whole thing.
I posted on your last thread. So glad to see that you are making plans to leave. Hope you can get sorted quickly.
He will only make you feel like you're leaving over nothing if you let him. Try to resist the temptation to explain yourself in such a way that he will see reason. He's unable to do that. He will only try to twist things to his view of things.
Well done OP, you are doing excellently
Wouldn't you be financially better off without him. You'd get the benefits and some child maintenance.
Well done OP, you're dealing with all of this brilliantly, your DCs will be very proud of you!
well done op. I did lurk on your last thread and was hoping you had progressed the issue.
I know you were advised to last time, but I would also call ctc asap and get the money changed so that it is swapped to your account.
He sounds horrendous. Do his parents know he treats you and the children like this?
Wow op I am so pleased; I really thought this was goi g to end like tge other threads, but you e got there, that moment where you know you have to change things.
I've read both of your threads and have been appalled by the callousness and selfishness of this man. I am so glad you are taking positive steps to make a better life for yourself. Onwards and upwards..!
Won't you have some sort of claim on the proceeds of a house sale? Good luck with everything.
How's it going Auch?
I hope you got some sleep and ready to push through today.
Let us know you are OK.
I do fear for your safety with this man!
You've had great advice and I know it's hard to believe but this man IS abusive, he sounds just like my ex, who was, I thought till I read this, the biggest twat out there. However he provided for his dc, every season they were taken out and completely kitted out from head to toe at Gap. It was just me that he wouldn't provide for despite insisting that dc needed me at home, I was in years old clothes while he and the dc looked immaculate. Do you think that sounds bad OP? Well think how much worse YOUR situation is. I hope you are continuing with your plans.
I read your thread with my heart in my mouth, beating up a storm. He is truly awful.
You are definitely being abused.
Your situation is urgent.
Your children are being abused.
I don't have words to describe how appalling he is.
I bloody knew the bastard was taking loads more off you for the mortgage. What a wanker he is.
He's financially abusing you. This is very sad, as I've had my moments with my h about things liked this.
Hope you can find a way out, and quick.
Have been thinking about you Auch - hope you're okay(ish) today.
I'm so glad you're getting some support now from WA. Your situation sounds dreadful I can't offer any better advice than what you have already had on here but I just wanted to link you to this thread about water torture. I'd never heard of this before but I read it on here the other day and lots of posters were surprised to suddenly feel like they understood what had been happening to them. I wondered if it might resonate with you too. Water torture seems to be such a subtle form of abuse that victims have no idea what is happening to them. I hope it might make you feel more confident to read of other women in similar situations, although to be honest, your partner sounds fairly blatant to me. I really wish you well op, you sound so lovely.
Extremely difficult day, he's been on my back and over my shoulder all day. Will try to get a minute to up date once he's at football.
have you proof of the £700 Xbox thing?. I'm asking as it would take a lot of transactions to rack up that sort if debt in one month before noticing it on the next bill.
sorry ignore my last post it's pretty trivial now!
Is he suspecting he is about to lose his meal ticket? Don't be fooled if he starts being 'super nice' to you. It's an act.
'Extremely difficult day, he's been on my back and over my shoulder all day. Will try to get a minute to up date once he's at football.'
Because he realises his little game of abusing you is up and you've sussed him out. He'll watch you like a hawk and play nicey nice, then probably get angry. He is a classic abuser.
Be careful, Auch. Not wanting to scare you, but this is a dangerous time if he has sussed that you are seeing him more clearly. Smile and nod, smile and nod.
Hope things went well with CAB.
He didn't go to football. I think he suspects something's up. I moved mine and dc passports, freaking out that he's noticed. Fuck!
He will have suspected something. Plan your steps. Good luck!
I am in Angus, if you need any help, give me a shout.
Be very careful!!
Can you leave tomorrow whilst he is at work? Get the basics together and get out. Material/sentimental items are hard to leave I'm sure but nothing is as important as your safety.
You mean you have a spring in your step?... twats usually notice that when they've trodden their OH down.
Don't freak out.. he may just have a twinkle. Act as normally as you can and make sure you log out of here when you're done.
Wipe your browsing history too. Nc if need be.
I'm in the West Coast.
I'd leave whilst he was out.
i hope you are ok, glad you are making steps
I hope you're ok,be careful.
Thinking of you, Auch. Hope you're OK.
Auch if you're afraid do not hesitate to dial 999, keep safe.
I'm in Bucks if you need anything PM me.
We are all worried for you but don't update unless it's safe to do so!
Thinking of you at such a nightmare time for you.
Also agree with 999!
If he intimidating you and not allowing you to leave - call them and don't hesitate to do so!
Reading this from the other side of the world as I put my baby to bed.
Auch you sound like such a strong person and mother. I don't have anything to add to the words of wisdom all these people have already given you. Just hoping you are safe. I agree with those who have said get out as soon as he is gone. This may sound paranoid but I would also make sure he's well and truly gone... Call him at work or something.
Anything you don't have time to photocopy just snap a photo instead.
I read both your threads. The level of abuse you have suffered is just astonishing- I'm so sorry. Please stay safe. Act completely normal and keep strong.
Stay strong and safe auch you'll do this, we're all here to support you
Just read this thread my hearts hurting for you and your kids Auch but be strong we're all here with you!
If you feel intimidated, threatened or in danger don't hesitate to call the police. Thinking of you auch keep safe
I remember your last thread OP and I am so glad you are leaving. I didn't want to post and say LTB last time but I couldn't help feeling you would actually be financially and emotionally so much better off if you did.
Good luck with it all, you will be better off for leaving IMO.
Keep checking this thread and hoping for some good news. Thinking of you OP, have been reading this, and last, thread from the beginning. hope you are OK
Ive been following this thread too. He is appallingly financially and emotionally abusive.
Hugs and support OP You and DC will be better off away from this bastard. x
Thinking of you OP. Keep safe, have your phone nearby at all times.
Just skimmed this thread.. Hoping the op is ok
Another hoping op is ok. I am in midlands if I can do anything at all to help.
You have been in my thoughts today Auch. Hope you are safe.
Fucking hell op this is awful- where does he think you get any money from.
I am dumbstruck! However you won't necessarily get nothing out the house if you can prove you've contributed and you need to be housed especially with the children. He may find he needs to wait until your you gets is 18!!!
Please go to CAB and get some legal advice and post on here here under legal and some family lawyers may come along who can be a bit more help.
I feel really sorry for you to be in this predicament but he will only get worse. I had a tight ex boyfriend (thankfully no kids) who earnt about double what I did and financially abused over the years..... You feel shit, but honestly you are not in the wrong here and hopefully you'll see that in time.
As for food I'd buy enough to feed you and the children and let him fucking starve
Worried for you OP. Keep safe.
Me too. Very worried, hope things are ok.
Hope you're out. See the council. Get housed. It sounds like you don't have a job so you'll have rent and council tax paid. Receive child benefit, child tax credits and income support (job seekers if your kids are of school age). You'll also get 15% of his wages for one child, 20% for 2 and 25% for three or more. CSA payments won't effect your other benefits either. You'll be so much better off financially.
That aside, (and I'm not one to throw around the word abuse), this man is a complete tossarse. Putting you aside, not adequately clothing your children when you can is definitely abuse. You and your DC will have happier lives once you've made the break.
Op I really hope things are ok and Im glad for you that you have made the decisions to change things for you and your DC future.
thinking of you my lovely> Hope you are ok
Me too Auch - whatever is going on wishing you the best.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Bloody hell Auch, this is shocking.
I'm in the SW if that's even close I am more than willing to help.
Hope you are safe and he is just around too much to post.
Sorry about that, meant to post to a new thread. Has been reported and should be taken off. As you were
likelovelove please start a new thread or you will get lost in this one. Please don't be afraid to start a new thread you will get lots of help and advice.
And I didn't mean that to sound as horrible as it did! I haven't read the thread sorry, but sending you lots of support and strength in your situation. Hope you and your DC are able to get away, you sound so strong
Another person hoping you're okay.
Thank you all for your concern and support. My dd2 has been ill for the past couple of days and dp really hasn't left me alone at all, to the point of taking yesterday off work.
Things have been tense, he asked where the passports where, I said I'd been looking for something in the drawer and didn't think they were safe in there so moved them, he pointed out that I hadn't moved his and asked where the others were, he has now put them in the loft where I'm not allowed to go.
I had an appointment to go view a house yesterday but couldn't as he didn't go to work, I had the agent call me a few times but my phone was on silent ao I don't think he knew, but as I've messed the agent about I doubt I'll be given another chance to view the house.
As predicted he has been extremely nice to me the pat few days, and (I feel shit saying this) thankfully because dd2 has been poorly, he's been sleeping on the couch.
I've found another couple of places to go view but it's difficult as I don't work, they are insistent on a guarantor. I will have to find a way to deal with that before anything happens. But I've collected some important photos and slowly gotten some clothes in bags and given them to my mum to keep, I told dp that they were to small so going to the charity shop.
You're doing fine, auch. The estate agents will still be there next week. They will not take it personally!
What do you mean you're not 'allowed' in the loft? I think i would take that as a challenge! What's up there that he doesn't want you to be aware of?
Re rent/guarantor/advance - can you get to the CAB or phone WA today?
Dear god, OP! He is abusive, he is abusive, he is abusive!
Stealing a passport is illegal.
Do go to the loft.
Can you apply for new passports? And have them sent elsewhere?
He stole the passports, and ,IIRC, the children are not his. She could tell the police.
Have you tried going to your local council housing? Some of them maintain lists of local landlords that accept housing benefit. They can also help with a deposit. WA also might be able to help.
As for the passports in the loft, you can go and get them, there is no such thing as not allowed in your own home.
Can you not just go? To your mother's? I know you sad she smoked, but wouldn't it be easier to get on with everything you have to do if you weren't sneaking around?
I've been following you, you are doing well and doing the right thing. If your username is suggestive of the local area you live in then I am likely to be very close to you and am willing to help however I can. I'm afraid I have no practical advice re the passports but I'm thinking of you.
I would like to think it would be better to go to mums for a few days until accomadation is sorted out. he will not let you have the headspace you need to sort things out. Once you have gone things will be able to be sorted much better. as for passports either get them asap or wiat till you move and come back when he is out - with someone with you. I would advise just go - today if you can?xx
Why can't you get in the loft? I'm worried about you. He knows something is going on. Could you not invent a reason to go out without him insisting on going with you? Love, he's a very abusive man and it goes far further than financial doesn't it x
Auch you are definitely doing the right thing! You are so brave. You've already gotten some stuff to your mums, which is great. Try to emotionally prepare yourself to just walk. Keep visualizing exactly what you will do. It would be ideal to be able to safely prepare before you go, but he sounds so controlling, this might not be possible for you. Imagine how he'll feel when he loses control? Anything could happen. Much safer to prepare and make arrangements once you're safe and sound at your mums. Honestly, I completely know where you are coming from about the cigarette smoke - my dc's have never been in my mums house for the same reason - but a couple of days, a week of it, won't do them any lasting damage. Compare that to witnessing whatever blow out will ensue if he finds out exactly what you're doing. Whatever you decide, I'm thinking of you x
Good that you're not letting the passports derail you. You can replace those later.
I really think your mum's the safest place. The smoke will be unpleasant, but for a while it will be ok.
Ring women's aid again and explain the situation, they will get you and the kids out and give you somewhere to stay. Don't worry about estate agents etc, he knows something's up, you need to get out asap.
Would he normally be all weird like that about you moving passports? If that is out of character then I would take it as a sign that he's suspicious and get out now.
Can you take the children to a caravan for a week? Cheap bnb? It's temporary but that's all you need to get on a council waiting list. Can women's aid help you find a place to go quickly? I am worried he might start to get violent if he realises what's going on. Staying home is just so overpowering
I agree, call Womens Aid and beg for a refuge place. Explain that your partner is suspicious that you may be planning to leave and you are worried for your and your children's safety.
can you get in the loft when he is out and get the passports back? and give them to your mum. also make sure that there is no way he can get access to your bank account. if you can access it online, change the password if he knows it. keep all cards etc on you at all times.
failing that, once you are out, you can report it to the police and ask them to return to the house with you to get the passports back?
I hope that you manage to get out quickly. As others have said, maybe call Womens Aid again and see if they can find you a place.
Auch, the putting the passports somewhere you don't feel you can go means he's on to you. You need to get out now.
I am in the central belt and I have a car. PM if you want help getting out.
If you live near me I WILL GO IN THE DAMN LOFT ANF GET THEM .
Auch, I have chills reading about the passports, it has made me feel sick and scared for you. Please take heed of what people have said. Go to your mum's, get the police to get the passports. Is he at home all weekend? Be very careful.
oh, Auch, . Please get out of there as soon as you can. Even if it is to your mum's. 80 fags a day for a few days is better than this.
I can see that the passports removal is a worrying sign, but how risky is it? Is he from another country and so could take the children away? If not, isn't it a bit of a red herring? Do you need them to get away? I'm a bit confused at the emphasis on the passports, but maybe I've missed something.
I was wondering that as well. Do you need the passports? I know it's a pain but they can be replaced.
Go without the passports. It's good to have them but it's far more important to be safe. Better to be around a smoker for a bit than around an abuser too, by a long shot.
I'm also a bit confused about the passports, but agree you need to be out of there ASAP. As I said before, I am midlands, and I have a car and access to a van if you need help moving stuff.
I will PM you my phone number, if it easier to text than to be on MN.
Stay safe. X
He can't stay off work forever. Is the loft locked?
Although I'm kind of thinking that's irrelevant - he sounds more and more sinister by the day. I think you should just cut your losses and get the hell out.
Fucking hell he's definitely escalating isn't he
I really hope you're alright OP
I've been reading the thread and checking every day to see how you are getting on Auch. Everyone has given you better advice than I could. However I just had to say that I agree that you should just get out and go to your mum's. Never mind the smoke! It's not like you will be there forever. I do worry about you and I'm so wanting to read an update from you where you say 'we're out'. You will have such a happy life without this miserable, cruel and abusive man in your (and your children's) life.
Another one here who has no practical advice to offer but I'm thinking of you and think you are being so amazingly brave. I have 2 girls age 5 & 7 & a huge bag of clothes my neighbour gave me that we really don't need. PM me if any use for your younger DCs & I'll happily post some warm clothes to your mum's??
I think smoke for a week or two will do them far less harm than staying in that house. I say that as an asthmatic with an asthmatic child who is phobic about smoke. Some things are worse - this is one. And this is a scary man, tbh. He's exploiting his own children - literally the clothes from their back and the bread from their mouths - to con a lifestyle he can't afford from their mother's very limited purse. Wouldn't you be a top prospect for rehousing, if you're all at your mum's? Young children, terrible overcrowding? Might be worth trying to find out. And frankly you'll be rich once shot of him, compared to how you've had to live under "his" roof.
Thinking of you.
Fudging hell Auch he knows something is up. Please be so very careful. I'd run at the first opportunity. I am worried he might turn and not let you leave the house at all and you'll become even more of a prisoner in your own home than you already are.
Talk to WA about the passports if you are worried about leaving them behind. If it were me in this situation I'd leave them behind. Your safety is so much more important.
Seriously get to your mum's. A safe haven with fag fumes has to be a better option.
Please post when you can. Let us know you are ok or, even better, that you are free and out.
Ring the passport office, explain that they have been stolen (as they have!) and that you will be applying for replacements at a later date. That gets them cancelled. Does he also have yours? If he does, do you have a driving license you can use for ID instead?
I would be inclined to do what has been suggested, wait until he is at work, pack as much as you can carry and go to your mums. Do not leave anything of value that belongs to you and the kids, you will never get it back, and if you can, get into that loft as I rather suspect there is more up there than you know about.
That's a good point Bogey, Auch, WHY aren't you allowed in the loft in your own home???
Stay safe lovely x
Auch I'm freaking out a bit for you. As others have said please get out asap and take whatever help you can get. Forget the passports.
It's the weekend so she's probably not had much time to get on here even if things are calm. I'm worried too. He must be suspicious.
Also, OP, on the off-chance that 'terhouse' is significant to you, please PM me.
You are being so brave. I am rooting for you and the DCs. Stay safe and keep strong.
If you're Essex/ east London I can help. Pm me x
I'm in NI. Petrified of heights but will happily storm the loft and have loads of bits for little folk if you need them and are in the area.
I am in the East/West Midlands border, I can help too
Get out Auch. Call WA now. I'm not being dramatic but the passport thing made my blood run cold.
He is already being 'nice' and will undoubtedly try and convince you that he's a good guy and that 'all if this' is in your head. It's not. It's him. This is real.
Do yourself the biggest favour you will ever do for yourself and your kids and get out.
You've done fantastically so far. Keep going. X
A really quick update, I said I was going to get some shopping yesterday to leave, he wouldn't let me take dd2 with me, said he wanted to take her swimming. I couldn't leave. He's taken 2 weeks holiday from work to 'spend time together'. I'm in the bathroom with my dd1's iPod.
I'm a little bit freaked out here, too. Please check in, if you can.
If you get any chance at all, call Womens Aid, please, you MUST escape this man.
I would also NC on MN as I rather suspect he has been checking up on you.
He';s def sussed something Auch. Stay calm and act as normal as possible - hopefully well before the end of the 2 weeks he will get bored with the act and settle back to (his) normal.
Check in when ytou can - don't rock the boat.
Oh dear, how awful. I hope you're still remembering to delete your internet history, OP.
Do whatever you need to do to stay safe and get away from him. This might mean playing happy families until things calm down and you get your chance or it might end up meaning making a break for it or calling the police. If you can't call maybe someone here can if you pm with details.
Def name change and delete MN pages from history.
Bumping in the hope someone can offer assistance.
Are the children his?
First opportunity take the kids and leave OP. NEver mind things, you can accumulate stuff all over again. Just get yourself and your babies out of there.
Also remember if he tries anythign dial 999 that will buy you time to move out compeltely with the children.
This is so worrying. It's rare that a husband taking 2 weeks off work can seem so threatening and menacing.
This is very worrying. If need be, get the children when he's in the shower and go
Sorry, not husband, partner.
Can you email someone to call round and distract him while you get things together?
Can you go to your mothers altogether and then refuse to go home with him? thinking you may have to invlove others in getting away from this man WA or the police. This is not a game Auch, it is your right to be able to go out with your children and leave him if you want without being scared. this is no life for you or dcs. Please get the help you need to get out.
Can your mother come and get you? The DC will survive her smoking
If you call women's aid, will they be able to provide someone to escort you and the children off the premises? Would the police? He's effectively keeping you prisoner.
I'm so desperately sorry you're in this position.
Yes, agree with kali. A few days or weeks in a house with a smoker will be less of a risk to them than remaining where you are.
Can you speak to WA, as all? Do you have an email for them? They may be able to come up with a strategy whereby you can get out of there, even while he is there.
Also, please be very careful of this thread, and your identity on MN. You wouldn't be the first MNer whose partner or ex tracked their thoughts and actions on MN.
I've got everything crossed for your safety, and your DC's.
He knows. He bastard well knows. Please please please please be careful. As has been said if you can't get away just play the game until you get an opportunity to run like hell.
Why else would he take two weeks off without discussing it with you first? I smell a rat. A great big hairy controlling abusing one.
Can your mum call WA for you? Are you in Scotland? One of us must be able to do something, I'm sure we must cover the entire UK between us.
I'm worried about you.
Please phone WA again, they will have dealt with this exact problem many times.
He is onto you. At the first available opportunity take the kids and go to your mums. He is only going to get worse.
Report the passports as stolen.
Am west country if thats any good Bristol/bath area?
I'm in the North East(England) . Happy to do anything to help at all if I can.
I think you have to hold off on the househunt for now because your priority is to get away from this man and you can't wait until you have sorted a new place. Stay with your mum.
Right now you have two choices: 1. Get you and your kids out of there NOW by whatever means available. Call the police, pm one of us your address and we'll do it.
2. Sit it out for this two weeks and once he's back at work, get out. You will have to do an incredible performance for two weeks though and I would advise staying off mn unless you are absolutely certain that he has no way to see what you are writing.
This man sounds so dangerous. He has been controlling you with money for so long and now he suspects that he has lost that hold over you, who knows what he will do to find a new form of control.
Has he been explicit in trapping you or is he just making excuses which conveniently stop you leaving the house with the children? Keep trying, but only in the way you normally would- do you regularly go to the supermarket etc?
Also in the interests of acting normal, don't forget about the money issues. If you regularly ask him for money or initiate a conversation about his shittiness with money, he may get suspicious if you suddenly drop it.
Please, please call the police. He is holding you and your kids hostage and has stolen your passports.
Given how quickly he has moved to thwart your plans I would consider the possibility that he is somehow monitoring your internet use.
Shit. Please get out while he is in the shower.
Wherever, even if it's your mum. He knows you're about to leave and you don't know what he will do to make you stay.
Auch - whether or not you'll be able to read this I don't know, but yes, agree with everyone else who thinks he's sussed something's up. Whether this is because he's detected a change in your attitude, or because perhaps he's seen more explicit "evidence" such as (god forbid) your post here, or call records to WA, I don't know - but please please take the utmost care with PC and phone history until you're out of there.
This sudden out of the blue 2 week holiday seems an extraordinary co-incidence. I think you would have to be made of extremely strong stuff to act as if everything was "normal" towards him during that time - such as following your normal routine, such as (like Guybrush suggested) initiating the same sort of conversations, such as sex etc. Now it seems something has "clicked" within you and you're facing up to a new and much better future without him, I should imagine it'd be near impossible to pretend nothing's changed - even the most subtle differences in your attitude towards him could potentially be picked up (even if he doesn't understand exactly what's going on) and used to pick a row.
If you think you can last another 2 weeks like this then of course I wish you all the luck in the world but I think you'd be placing yourself in a very dangerous position. Far far better to call the police NOW and cut your losses IMO. I know that's really scary, and I know it's moving things on at a far quicker pace than you'd envisaged, without giving you the opportunity to gather more information or to find somewhere definite to live, but THE most important thing here is your safety and that of the children. As others have said, get out of there however you can, and worry about material "stuff" later - you won't literally be out on the streets with the help of your mum, sister and/or WA, and passports etc can be replaced later. You may be "uncomfortable" for a short while but that's nothing compared remaining with a controlling abuser who quite probably has had his suspicions raised for whatever reason and sees his meal ticket going down the drain. Regardless of your long term intent to leave, I'm very worried about how these next 2 weeks might pan out - it just doesn't make sense and is too convenient to be dismissed as normal when you take everything else into account. It's such a cliché but true to be safe than sorry.
Good luck Auch. I don't know where you are but I'm in Herts. I'm sure if you PM'ed any one of us who've said where we live we would be happy to try and help you however we can.
Please ring the police and ask for help. They will have seen this before. They won't think you are wasting your time. Tell them you are afraid for yourself and the children.
I couldnt work out why he had changed, I hadn't changed my behaviour. I'm a fucking idiot, when I phoned the WA helpline they gave me my local number in case I need a refuge, I fucking wrote it down! With the kids etc I forgot to get rid of it. I've just had a look at his call history when he was in the bathroom, he knows I've called!
He's being very nice, but won't let me go anywhere alone and my mobile charger is 'missing'. I'm deleting the history and logging out. I've just said I'm looking up physiotherapy excersizes for our baby to get on here.
so he knows you have spoken to Womens Aid, he knows that you may be making plans to leave and he has taken 2 weeks off work to be with you.
it sounds like he is starting to cut off your contact with the outside world. can you get the DC together and go out for a walk? even if he comes with you. Tomorrow, you will need to go shopping to buy a new charger wont you now? if he doesnt let you out, then call the police.
If you are worried, then you need to get out sooner rather than later. Is there a friend that you can call to come and get you and the DC?
Holy shit. I'm worried, too.
I don't suppose you'll see this. I hope you just run to your mum's house. Even call the police.
OP: if you can see this, dial 999 from the landline if you have one and pull the cord out. Help will be with you in minutes.
He's probably only doing all this to scare you and control you further but im worried for you too.
He might back off if you play the game but can you really do that for another 2 weeks?
If you are feeling threatened I would take seriously the idea of contacting the police. They will see you safe and you would be a housing priority. Good luck.
im so worried for you op. the police may be able to help you.. failing that womens aid. hes trying to shorten your "leash"
Leave everything and go.
You are not safe.
You already have some stuff at your mums.
NExt time he goes toilet or bath go and don't look back.
Don't wait for the 2 weeks until he is back in work.
If he won't let you go, ring 999.
If you ring 999, be strong and press charges. It will buy you a couple of hours to get the passports.
Oh god OP go, you need to get out as soon as you can, when he's in the bathroom, anything just grab your DC and go, he's escalating massively.
I'm really worried too Auch.
Did you get my pm with my number? If so, can you text me your address/ as many details as possible and I will do everything I can to help.
I will happily contact the police/women's aid for you - with your permission of course.
Please please stay safe x
Just go, with the clothes on your back.
Just get the children and go!
What phone charger is it? Get one delivered from Amazon to your mum's house, and she can drop it round, or you can visit, and charge up your phone there.
Lots of good wishes coming your way.
Just delurking to say get out now now, even if you arrange you all to goto your mums then you can refuse to leave etc xx massive hugs
oh and fuck the passports you can get replacements or tell the police he has stolen them
Op this is making me feel sick I am so worried about you. Normal response to finding your WA number is to ask you about it or ask who it's for. Instead he takes 2 weeks off work.
Please phone the police and let them help you get out.
Forget the passports, they really don't matter.
I do think that the next time he's having a shit or a shower or if a neighbour comes round or anything, grab the kids and go to your mum. Call the police once you're there and ask them if they can go back with you to get essential things.
Once you're clear and safe, phone 101 and ask for the DV unit, it covers all aspects of domestic abuse, not just physical.
Passports, mobile phone chargers etc can all be replaced.
You really need to leave as soon as physically possible.
What everyone else said.
Do you understand now that he's being abusive? In the circumstances, if a rational man finds that their partner wants to leave, they talk about it. They don't remove their passports and restrict her communication with the outside world.
He's acting like you're a possession he's refusing to give up. Not like you're a person with your own choices.
If you are married you are usually entitled to half the value of the house. That is my understanding. If you're not married then not sure what the rules are. But you would have a claim especially when there are children. You need advice from solicitor CAB or similar. Unless you want to carry on the way things are. And I'm sure you don't. The longer you leave it the worse it is going to get.
I would leave now before he escalates further. I left an abusive relationship many years ago with just the clothes on my back and I never looked back.
This is very scary reading!
Please run at any opportunity
Oh love xxxx go please just go. If he knows your going he'll plot harder.
I would leave with your children as soon as his back is turned i.e he goes to the toilet.
You could be in real danger of being hurt if you stay. You are not safe there.
Leave when he is on the toilet. Failing that phone the police.
Thank you to those who have contacted us about this thread.
AuchAyethenoo, we're so sorry to read about what you're going through. We're seconding the excellent advice that you've received on here and we have information that could help you too www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence.
We do urge anyone who feels as though they are in immediate danger to call 999.
We're wishing you all the best.
Could you let us know what area you are in
Someone may be able to help
Call 999 and hang up but I am not sure if they would come round and or just call back which could be dangerous.
I just feel so sad that people are living in fear like this .
PM someone on here you trust your address and they will help you.
Oh Christ hes escalating at an alarming rate isnt he? Please just grab your kids and go next time he goes for a crap like others have said. So sad for what you are going through.
Won't the kids go to school tomorrow? Won't you take them or pick them up? Or once you've dropped them off, can't you make arrangements? Get a new phone? Make a call. Ask to borrow a phone from a parent. I can't work out from your posts what it is you intend to do, but maybe it's better not to post that on here. Good luck.
Text your mum and ask her to call the police and get them to come to the house. Check whether he has locked the doors if you can without him noticing. If he hasn't then walk straight out next time he is upstairs or in the bathroom. Don't wait any longer.
It's difficult for Auch to just grab the kids and go because she doesn't drive. Can you give us an idea where you are?
Go to a nearby house then and ask if you can ring the police, or your mum or a friend from there.
When LOs call 999 police accidentally they tend to call round to the house. IME.
Pm one or all of us with address and the police will be called.
This is why the OP must pull the cord out. The rules on dropped 999 calls are rigid: if they can't call back, the police have to attend.
I am worried he is reading this.
Op do you feel it would be prudent to tell school there are difficulties and he is not allowed to take the children? Are they his?
We're in the Cotswolds. If you need to leave and need help to do it, and I'm local, PM me.
I can't be the only MN who would gladly turn up on your doorstep if need be. 6 ft 3 DH in tow.
Is there anyone nearby that you can contact? I'm frightened for you. He found out you called a refuge and immediately took two weeks off work and cut you off from the world.
If you have no way to contact the outside world, suggest a shopping trip tomorrow. If he insists on coming with you, you can still seek help from someone. Just scream for help in the middle if Tesco if you have to, anything. He won't do anything while you're in public.
Please find a way out Auch.
The kids are his. She said so in her other thread.
At least one of them is not his.
I would get them to ring their father.
I didn't read the last few posts. This is a very frightening situation. I'm sure it is a criminal offence to take somebody's passport. This is very alarming to everyone.
1. Leave now and go to your mothers.
2. Call the school/s tomorrow morning and tell them you are having problems at home and you are now the only one allowed to pick children up or contact them during school hours.
3. Call the police and explain situation and that you have contacted Women's Aid and could they send someone to escort you to retrieve your valuable belongings from the home as you are scared and vulnerable, they will try their best to do so, I have had help like that before from the police before.
4. Contact local council and start seeking financial help and help in finding accommodation, there are options for you and it is not as daunting as it seems.
If you have the ipod still, can you use the message facility on it? I'll PM you again with my email address, just in case you're trying to text but can't etc x
I really hope you're safe Auch
Keep posting when you can, as long as its not putting you in danger.
I think you can email the police if you need help
message someone your address op so we can contact the police for you.
Auch - call 999 and pull the line out. PLEASE.
Hope your ok such. As I said before I'm in central belt and will help anyway I can
Auch, keeping fingers crossed for you. Please please get out as soon as you can - 'things' like passports can be replaced. I keep thinking of you, I am near Glasgow if it's any help at all.x
What everyone else has said.
Just get out.
Get the police or the neighbours or when he's away from the door.
been watching this thread with horror
i hope u get out asap auch. lots of lovely peeps on here ready to help, take it if u can.
what a complete creep x
God I hope she's ok.
Fooking hell I am horrified at this thread.
This is one of those times that wish I lived in UK, I want to go to Auch' s house, boot the door in and bundle her and the kids away.
Men like this make my blood run cold.
I think we should all stop posting on this thread.
We know that he is keeping her under very close surveillance, so we dont know that he isnt also monitoring her internet usage.
There is info here should the OP need it, and we dont want to be putting ideas into his head about what she may or may not do that will escalate his abuse.
OP, we are all here for you, please PM any one of use who you feel could help, all you need to do is PM one person and they will contact others (off thread) if they cant help you themselves. Take care, we are with you xx
I hope she's out.
I hope you're okay OP.
If you can, pm someone on here your address and they will phone the police for you.
Just read all of this. Scary scary stuff.
All advice has been given. Thoughts with you OP.
I'm in North West London if you need any practical help
Just read this thread, excellent advice, I hope your out op
North London here if that's near you , I can help you too. X
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
This thread is horrific. OP I really hope you are ok xxx
What an awfull man, op I am in Manchester and am very willing to help if you're nearby x
My heart goes out to you. Joining the many mumsnetters who are thinking of you tonight. Take care.
I'm in livingston if ur in scotland pm me I would help anyway I can
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I keep coming back to this thread hoping for an update. I truly hope you're ok auch.
Hoopers, that is awesome! I am so glad you are safe now.
Really hoping you're ok Auch
Hoping you are ok Auch.
Thinking of you too, really hope you and your children are ok.
I don't know what to say but this is terrifying. Worcestershire here if help required,x
Hope you are ok Auch. South Oxfordshire here, if you need help (with 6'6 military husband for backup)
Auch, I am in Aberdeen - if there is anything at all I can do
East London, have a car and a spare room.
Shit. How scary. I would go with hoopers advice and let someone know things are this bad.
When a family friend was in a bad situation, they would ring every morning & every night to say they were still alive
I'm in south London and free all week.
Holy hell, hope you and dc are all ok!!
If your in west Sussex and need anyone please let me know, I know I'm a stranger but I have to offer!
My dc are at there grandparents all this week so there are beds, space, and quietness if you and dc need it. I also drive and am happy to help in any way I can!
I hope your your lack of replies is because you've gotten away, but I have a horrid feeling its because your phones dead and P is keeping you under close eye.
This is serious abuse op, you know it!
Holy hell, hope you and dc are all ok!!
If your in west Sussex and need anyone please let me know, I know I'm a stranger but I have to offer!
My dc are at there grandparents all this week so there are beds, space, and quietness if you and dc need it. I also drive and am happy to help in any way I can!
I hope your your lack of replies is because you've gotten away, but I have a horrid feeling its because your phones dead and P is keeping you under close eye.
This is serious abuse op, you know it!
Was hoping for an update from OP.
Hope you are OK OP!!
Hang in there Auch. We will be here waiting to support you when you can get on MN. Hooper gave some good advice about using a safeguarding team.
Hope you are ok.
Thinking of you Auch. Stay strong.
Hi, I withdrew my comment at HQ's request so as not to alert abusive partners. Waiting for good news from OP.
Good call Hoopers
Everything crossed that Auch and DCs are safe and away from him.
Can someone clarify at what point you can pull a phone from the socket in other to be sure a 999 call will result in a visit?
If you call 999 and hang up they call you back, if you don't answer they will send police to check on you
If you pull the cord out the back of the phone the phone won't ring so the police will be sent
Op can then freely leave with them if she wishes
So as soon as the call is answered hang up then pull out of socket.
If 999 call you back the actual phone won't ring but they will hear a ringing as your connection box will ring
So it looks like you can't answer and police get sent
Thanks. I have a fear that in a panic auch would dial then unplug before an answer then wonder where police are, hence asking for clarification.
I keep popping back to see if there's any news, this thread is making me feel quite teary, I keep thinking of 101 Dalmatians when all the dogs bark to each other to alert everyone the puppies are in danger from cruella de Ville. All these offers of help, I think we've got most of the country covered haven't we??
Really hoping and praying that you are your babies are ok Auch.
I know all the offers are kindly meant but if the situation has got to this point then any individual can't do what the police can. Auch really needs to get them involved. My fingers are crossed.
The whole thing is dreadful. Just to also wish Auch well. Hopefully everything will be alright in the end.
I keep coming back to see if the OP has posted to tell us she is safe. I hope you are okay. Thinking of you. X
Praying you and the DCs are safe
Offer of help in Northern Ireland - Belfast or wherever. Thinking of you OP.
Thinking of you, Augh. Don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said. Just keep checking in to see if you've posted. I don't want this to go on to the second page and disappear. Hope you and your children are safe x
Horrific reading.. Also bumping. Praying OP and kids safe x
Hoping you are ok and safe. X
I'm hoping that she is keeping herself safe and waiting for her chance. For us her logging on here is important because we want to know she's safe, but from her pov it's mainly a risky thing for her to do until after she's made her move.
fingers crossed anyway.
Bumping to keep this at the top. Hope all is well Auch. Xx
Auch - I hope you're okay, have been thinking about you lots. Please come back only when it's safe to do so to let us know how you are and/or to ask for support/advice/help.
Is MN able to intervene in these situations? Contact police with location etc? So hard to know if Auch and kids are safe Really hoping so x
I keep thinking about her too.
Oh god this thread, i have to go to work in a bit but please PM me if you happen to be in the east kent area, i will do anything to help if you need it. Hope we hear some news soon about you!
I'm hoping the no news is due to laying low, playing the game til he goes back to work. Or she has legged it to her mum's with nothing and perhaps her mum doesn't have wifi or whatever. I sincerely hope she and her DD are safe and sound. I hope he rots in hell.
I am worried, too. But, I think it's likely that she's changed her mind about leaving/has been talked around and she may just feel embarrassed about it.
OP, if you read this, I want you to know that if you decide to stay and make your marriage work, I respect that and wish you well. And if you need to start another thread in a few weeks or months, nobody will say "I told you so." Few abused spouses leave right away.
Auch, I really hope that you and your dc's are safe.
FunnyRunner, when I was concerned about a poster on a different thread, MNHQ told me that they only have people's e mail, and no way of locating posters.
Really worried op. Really worried.
Lurker also hoping OP comes back. One of the most disturbing threads I've read on Mumsnet and really hoping OP has got out and is okay.
Bumping, and hoping OP's OH will be going back to work on Monday and she can get back on here for a bit of support if she is still in the house with him..... stay safe Auch
He took two weeks off, he's only had one so far.
Ahhh, forgot it was 2 weeks. Crap.
I keep hoping you'll reappear op. Hope you're ok.
Hoping the OP is ok.
Bump....wondering about you op. xx
I think some of us feel that it may be better to let this thread move down the list and allow Auch to make contact when she is able rather than filling it up with bumps. If there is a possibility that her OH did find this thread then we need to let it die.
She knows we are here and she knows we care and at this stage we just have to hope she is ok and that she updates us when she can. There's no point in doing anything else.
Just wondering if Auch ever updated? I followed the thread for a while and was quite worried
Join the discussion
Please login first.