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Life a mess

(38 Posts)
JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 22:53:30

Hi all.
I don't even know where to begin with this and am completely ready for the biggest flaming ever.
I'm having an affair.
It started off as just physical as my husband has zero sex drive. Now it's all consuming.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that I could separate these 2 aspects of my life.

I got married because my narc mother wanted a huge wedding, like the one she never had. I try to tell her I'm unhappy but she switches off if I talk about me. I feel like a child.

Now I have a beautiful DS and I'm so scared of ruining his life but I already am due to my selfishness and depression.

Sorry for drip feeding, I don't even know why I'm posting just needed to write this down.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 22:56:11

Calm down. It's an affair, you are not an axe murderer.

You need to leave your husband, it doesn't sound like it is right.

Stop beating yourself up and try to focus on sorting out the mess. That is how you do right by ds.


JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:15:05

Thank you Offred.
I am going to CAB this week to get some advice on finances etc.
I know I need to leave. H and I do get along as friends and I don't want to hurt him.
I have no where to go if I leave and no one to talk to about this.

I don't want to out myself but H has been doing intensive study for the past 3 years and has shut off from me. He's due to finish in a matter of weeks and has promised the world after that, but I feel it's too late. It's just a mess!

StellarLights Mon 16-Sep-13 23:18:37

As Offred said, first you need to calm down.

Ok, well from what you've said it doesn't seem like you are at all happy with your husband. That needs to change, I think that you should start divorce proceedings. You don't have to tell him that you are having an affair if you don't want to, just say that you aren't happy etc. instead.

As for your mother, well I think that you've learnt the hard way that you can't live your life to please other people. I moved out of my parents home when I was 18 and pretty much stopped contact with my mother when I was 20, now I'm not saying that's the way forward for you but what I am saying is that your mother cannot rule you're life. Don't let her, if she starts saying anything that you don't want to hear then walk away from the conversation, that's what used to get me through tougher times with mine.

Just simply say "It's my life, not yours. I'm not happy so I need to change that, if you want me to be happy then you'll accept my decision, if not then I'm afraid that's your problem and not mine as I cannot live like this any longer."

As for your DS, I have always maintained that I would have preferred that my parents got a divorce and been happy with their own lives than stay together for my sake. I frankly couldn't handle the guilt of knowing that my parents (or one of them) made themselves miserable because of me, and trust me children do pick up on that. A few of my friends in our teenage years realized that their parents were only together for the sake of the kids and it devastated them, some of them still aren't over it now.

Best of luck OP, keep your chin up.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:18:44

If you feel it is too late then that is how you feel. You deserve to be happy.

Be careful that the affair is not colouring your feelings but it sounds as though things were wrong before that?

StellarLights Mon 16-Sep-13 23:19:56

Ps. As regards for your mother another thing that might be worth saying is "Well it's all well and good that I live my life how you want me to and how you see best, however it isn't you who has to live with the consequences and be miserable as a result, is it?"

JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:29:42

Thank you Stellar, everything you've said about DM is right, I wish I was brave enough to say that to her but for some stupid reason I'm still scared of her. She was abusive when I was younger and I also left home at 18 but when I met DH and got engaged we got on so well with wedding planning, I guess I just went along with it.

Offred - that is a fear of mine, thinking OM is going to put this all right and 'save' me as it were.

I don't fancy my H, since I started the affair I haven't gone near him sexually and he hasn't even noticed. I do love him, but as a friend and father to DS.

whitesugar Mon 16-Sep-13 23:31:17

Loving Offred's wise words - you are not an axe murderer! Try to stay calm, this doesn't have to get resolved today. If you can, I recommend that you wait until your husband finishes his studies. Its only a few weeks and if you tell him now he might not be able to do his final exams. Stay calm, don't waste your energy beating yourself up. You have made a mistake, welcome to the human race. Get as much information as you can and when the exams are over tell your husband that you want to leave your marriage. It sounds like it was over before you had the affair and you might want to leave out that detail and tell him truthfully why you are leaving.

Accept that the next while will be rocky but you will get through it and come out the other side. Your son would never thank you for staying in a marriage that is over. Be a good example to him. Put your shoulders back and stay strong. Good luck.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:31:24

Did you fancy him before the affair?

peppapigmustdie Mon 16-Sep-13 23:36:51

You need to leave, not to be with OM but for your own peace of mind.
If your OM is there through the turmoil, then brilliant but if not then it is still a good thing. There is no point in staying in a marriage that makes you so unhappy, you cannot live on promises that things will get better. The fact you have had an affair( no judging) proves you have already "checked out" of the Marriage.
Take a deep breath and tell you H.

StellarLights Mon 16-Sep-13 23:37:29

That is normal don't worry, she is your mother after all. But try to think about it logically, she can't touch you now as you're an adult and not under her control, it's not the same as when you were younger and you were forced to rely on her.
At the end of the day she has a lot more to lose than you do if you were to cut contact, so just bear that in mind and know that underneath everything you have the power and not her.

As for the OM, sadly a person cannot actually save you or put things right for you, sadly only you can do that. Another person can certainly facilitate and help (or hinder) the process but ultimately only you alone can sort everything out, if you rely on someone else too much in these sort of scenarios then it can blow up in your face.

However from what I've read from your posts you sound like someone who has their head screwed on and is intelligent, determined and strong. I don't doubt for a second that you'll do brilliantly, regardless of the outcome.

JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:39:10

I didn't fancy him. I craved the intimacy though, he rejected me all the time. My self esteem was on the floor and still is.
I was doing a clear out today and found a 2 page letter I'd written to him telling him how the rejection made me feel. I wrote it 2 years ago. We've only been married 3 years hmm
I told him just before the affair that I was falling out of love with him and things had to change.
It's always been 'they will after the course' and 'I'm doing all this studying for us and our family'
Now it's nearly finished and I want to leave.

In my head I've been wanting to hang on till after Xmas, give things a proper go. But I feel as though I'm going to have a breakdown.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:42:31

You're trying to force it. Please stop. I think you say you are ruining ds' life because of selfishness, it sounds as if you're not being concerned enough about yourself.

The affair is a bad plan. You know that. It doesn't change that your marriage is really wrong for you and you are really unhappy.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:45:06

Restrain yourself from seeing the affair as some kind of rescue.

It has given you respite, probably allowed you enough space to actually confront the end of your marriage but it isn't the answer.

Please do remember that you deserve to be happy and it is very likely that if you have been so unhappy so has your dh and that confronting that will make you brave and hopefully make you all happier in the end.

JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:51:02

Thank you to everyone for your advice and kind words tonight. It is so appreciated.

whitesugar - yes I will be waiting until the course finishes. He's worked so hard and I don't want it to be a waste for him. And of course he's doing it for our sons future and right now that's all that matters.

I know I need to cool things with OM but it's incredibly hard when he really does feel like the only person I have at the moment.

I want to be a strong woman that my son can be proud of to have as his mother.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:55:21

Just keep your head with OM.

This might be controversial but i think he can be your support provided you are able to keep control of yourself and self aware enough to really know what you are doing. You probably have to take support where you can get it really though.

I'm sure no-one needs to tell you to focus on ds.

JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:55:59

peppa - exactly! I have been living on the promise of life being different after study is over. But a person can't just change over night once the books get packed away.
He checked out as soon as the course started, I don't think that's acceptable when I have been bringing up our son and looking after the house. The years of being ignored have taken their toll.

I am in no way ever justifying embarking on an affair. Just trying to reason with myself tbh.

Offred Mon 16-Sep-13 23:56:19

When you've left dh it would be stupid to jump straight into another relationship though.

JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 23:59:37

Offred, so not the response I was expecting when starting this thread.

DS is my world and number 1 priority. My DM looks after him a day a week, she likes to think she has a hold over me with this help. If needs be he can do another day in nursery which he enjoys anyway. Need to get my practical head on over the next few weeks.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 17-Sep-13 00:05:47

Justdrive - is there a small part of you that wants to be with om?

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 00:10:35

Blonde - yes there is. A big part.
It's been a huge wake up call and I feel incredibly immature.
I can't justify any of my actions, thread title just sums up how I'm feeling.
I feel too young to be in this mess at 25.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 00:28:48

You're under a lot of pressure and you've made some less than brilliant choices, that's all as I can see it.

You do need to take steps to leave dh who is not making you happy and to take control of/cut contact with your ridiculous mother as a priority.

There is no point beating yourself up over things. Only a point in using the situation as a springboard to happiness.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 00:30:29

I mean clearly you do know the affair is not the right thing to do but it is done now, what's the point in paralysing yourself with self-hate over it. Don't let it cloud your judgement over the relationship with dh either.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 17-Sep-13 00:30:50

Offred gives excellent advice.

Trying to make a decision whike he is still in the picture is going to be incredibly hard. I know.

You have to try and put him to one side and think only of you and your child.

You are so vulnerable right now and want so much
to be happy that its easy to hold onto something t

Blondeorbrunette Tue 17-Sep-13 00:37:16

That gives some respite.

If you cant work things out with your husband, thats one thing. You wont be making life any easier on yourself if your husband finds out.

Aren't mumsnet ladies just brilliant. You came looking for advice and thats what you got without the flaming

Wellwobbly Tue 17-Sep-13 12:50:34

Calm down, OP.

There are THREE things you have to deal with, so if I were you I would make every effort to step back, take a deep breath, pick up the phone and get a counsellor:

1. you have never been allowed to have a sense of 'self' by your mother. You were a puppet/extension of her.

2. you are ambivalent about your husband

3. you are (SEE 1.) living your life THROUGH OM. You are allowing an affair (always a mistake, always), an outside event, a fantasy, to shape and define how you feel. You are making a mistake and it WILL blow up in your face.

You don't have one crisis, you have three. And they all arise out of 1.

You have a lot, lot, lot of therapy ahead of you, but with commitment, dedication and hard work you will get there.

Please don't tell me OM is married? What is he saying/promising to you? Have you tested the waters about commitment etc, to whether he pulls back?

How do you feel about your husband? What does he represent to you?

How did you meet OM and what does he represent to you?

How often do you see your mother? How is your relationship?

Meerka Tue 17-Sep-13 13:25:48

It seems to me that what you need most of all right now is a bit of time out.

Your husband has been an idiot - studies are not an excuse for shutting down a relationship or putting it on hold. The fact you were open for an affair shows that you were so desperately in need of love and attention (I hope the OM is a decent guy!). A long term furture with him isnt impossible but it may be not very likely too = the sheer stress of divorcing is pretty awful, and not all relationships survive it.

at the moment you are in a really really high stress situation and maybe you can't see the wood for the trees (maybe you can, I dunno; but it's clear you're absolutely stressed out).

Just a suggestion - is there anyone you and DS can go and stay with for a couple of weeks? he can't be in school yet, I'm guessing. Maybe use the excuse of 'giving your husband more uninterrupted time to study'. If you do have a friend you can stay with, maybe a bit of distance away, that might give you breathing space and time to decide exactly what you -do- want.

It also gets you away from your mother for a bit,

Then you can decide if you want to give head-in-the-sand husband a last chance. (can't help feeling that ostriches don't often change their habits, but now and then they do. ). You can also decide how much you -really- like OM, or if its just that he's giving you some of the attention and love you need ... and how interested he would be in a LTR, or how good he'd be.

After that, you can make some decisions. Without money or a place to go, the truth is that you might end up in a really difficult situation - and having to rely on your mum sounds a nightmare. Also you'll need to plan how and what to tell your DS to help him handle it best.

I hope I\m not too cautious here, but a bit of clear space to think in often helps people clear their minds. And if you do decide you don't want to give husband another chance, then you need to have planned, really planned, what you will do and how you will support yourself. Otherwise you could end up in a worse situation (worst case; which is better, being reliant on your husband's income or your mother's, or maybe having to move in with her?)

Deciding what you =really= want and then the practicalities of how to get it will help a lot.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:44:41

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Have been reading through the posts most of the day.

Wellwobbly yes I totally feel like I have no sense of self. I don't feel like this is my home, I always felt like home was with my DM even though I'm miserable when I go over there. Since OM I just feel like I have no home, I want to create one for me and DS. Somewhere of my own.

I am a walking cliche and I'm well aware of it. OM is also married as you suspected. Deep down I know I can't rely on him to make me happy.
He has said he wants to leave for me but that pressure is overwhelming.
I just feel like running away with DS, not seeing my mother again either. It's so messed up how I feel I depend on her but all she does is bring misery and disapproval into my life.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:47:19

I want to get away but I really only have 2 close friends. One is pregnant, the other just miscarried and I don't want to burden either of them with this rubbish.
I had 3 close female friends from my previous job but totally messed up the friendship by moaning and drinking too much. They were sick of hearing about my unhappiness, this was before the affair. When I lost them I felt so alone.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:48:56

My mother knows how unhappy I am but wouldn't want me to leave due to how it would make her look. And I'm scared of her getting angry with me but I would need her in that situation.

DuelingFanjo Tue 17-Sep-13 22:50:45

If you don't love your husband you are better off leaving. It's hard but it's not fair on him to stay.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 22:53:53

You can't run away. You need to stand up to these things.

One thing at a time.

You'll all feel so much better and be happier if you can be brave enough to grab the bull by the horns and leave your dh and deal with your dm.

The OM is a fantasy only, really have to remember that if you intend to have at least some support from him during this.

I'd recommend trying to get some counselling though.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 23:00:05

You know that you can leave your dh without dm support and in fact I think you will have to.

Planning to rely on her will be a bad idea. She will not help you, only hinder.

JustDrive Fri 20-Sep-13 14:56:03

Thanks to all comments received I have assessment counselling session booked for Monday.
Feel I really need this as my head is such a mess.

My mother and I see a lot of eachother. When I see her I feel so down, H is never there for me, OM is only one who seems to care (fantasy I know)

Need to get over feeling like a child all the time. It's so hard. DM drove us up to some family friends on Wednesday, an argument ensued after I didn't show 100% interest in what she was saying, she threatened to drive into an oncoming lorry and 'kill us all' DS was in the car.
Now she can't understand why I'm off with her.

When she said the crashing comment I experienced an awful flashback of her screaming something similar to me when I was around 12 but it was a tree.
Why do I allow this behaviour? Why am I scared?
Other times she's so nice and so generous it twists my head.

Just trying to explain why I feel so unable to make any decisions about my life without having someone tell me what I should do.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 15:10:56

Wow, OP.
In your case I would stop all contact with my mum. She sounds deranged. And a narc. She threatened to kill you and your son because you didn't pay her enough attention?

No wonder you are in the mess you are in.
Affairs often start due to low self esteem. It's a symptom but not the cause of your mess.
Therapy sounds a very good idea.
Good luck!

FrancescaBell Fri 20-Sep-13 15:51:57

Does the OM also have children?

Offred Fri 20-Sep-13 15:57:10

You are very scared because she is very scary.

When you have grown up to be scared it is particularly hard.

I agree you need to stop contact with her if you can.

Have you been on the stately homes thread? Is that still going?

Capitaltrixie Fri 20-Sep-13 16:00:41

Hi Op, hope you're doing ok, from one daughter of a narc mum to another, the 'feeling like a child' unfortunately is so characteristic. In my case, I only stopped feeling like that when I severely reduced contact. It's that 'narc supply' that does it; they need to feel you love/respect/pay them attention and they make such huge demands. My mum is nice & generous too sometimes; it's a headfuck.
Don't engage.

Drinking too much is an attempt to dull the pain and you are scared and allow her behaviour because it's painful to separate from her because of the fear/obligation/guilt you feel. But once it's done, that's when you feel in control of YOUR life.

That said, I still get insecure 'wobbles' and feel like a child..(and usually then post on here for general life advice from some surrogate mums lovely MNetters).

Don't beat yourself up about the affair.

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