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AIBU to be annoyed at DH

(277 Posts)
MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:16:52

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY hmm

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

gordyslovesheep Mon 16-Sep-13 20:20:47

OH no sad Oh poor poor you - he is being massively unreasonable - I'm sorry - it sounds so hard right now. It will get better x

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:22:10

I don't think it will get better, everyone said 6 weeks is the magic number, then 12 weeks, she's just getting worse. And then I read stories about people who's babies are like this months and months down the line and I feel like walking out. sad

TidyDancer Mon 16-Sep-13 20:22:26

No way are you being unreasonable.

Did your DH actually say why he'd changed his hours back again?

Whereabouts are you? Is there a MNer nearby who could at least come and sit with you or take you out for coffee during the day to get out of the house?

McNewPants2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:23:08


What have you tried for the reflux

gordyslovesheep Mon 16-Sep-13 20:24:15

it WILL - hang in there - she wont be doing this at 18!

where are you?

FlatsInDagenham Mon 16-Sep-13 20:25:51

What reason did he give for changing his hours?

Where are you? Maybe someone on here can help?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:26:08

Did he even sit and have a chat with you about changing his hours?

If no then I think you do need to sit and talk about it. Tell him you need his support, and he did not have any need to change his hours. Ask him why he has done it.

He is being U and very unfair on you, please say something to him.

thanks for you xx

Have you asked DH why he has checked out of the hard work of parenting? DD used to scream for hours in the evenings and DH and I had a bad enough time with two of us managing it.

It WILL get better.

HairyGrotter Mon 16-Sep-13 20:28:01

YANBU, he is! What a selfish fellow!

You poor thing, I remember only too well those fractious hours before bed hmm it really won't last forever, however, it's fucking awful during it.

Keep in there

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:28:31

Also there was another MNetter recently where the DC had problems with reflux. The GP advised gaviscon, could you check with your GP if you could use it? That's if you don't already smile

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 16-Sep-13 20:28:36

Have you tried medication for the reflux it settled my dd right down?
He is being very unfair you are under a lot of pressure- have you got anyone nearby friends that you could talk to?
Whereabouts are you OP?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:29:51

their not the

pudseypie Mon 16-Sep-13 20:29:54

Do you know any other mums from antenatal classes or baby groups you can share a moan to over a cup of tea? It sounds like you are going through a really rough time, I did too and was in similar boat with no support or family nearby and with PND too but the friends I made at the groups were a fantastic support. It's true the first 12 weeks are hardest but it does get easier, you have to hang in there thanks

iloveweetos Mon 16-Sep-13 20:30:10

He's being extremely irresponsible. This is his child as well as yours. Work is to provide for your family not to avoid them.
Speak to him and explain how bad you actually feel. If nothing changes after this, then you may need to tell him not to bother coming home. Have you thought about a local children's centre who can point to someone to help?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:31:16

He said he had to but then admitted he was just too tired going in early!

She's on ranitidine, and I express her feeds so I can slow her eating down, sit her up after feeds etc etc. It's fine during the day it's just when she's like this and screaming and thrashing she makes herself sick.

There was no discussion, there never is when it comes to work, it isn't the first time he has screwed me over so he could work. Im missing a therapy session this week because of his hours. I tell him I can't cope and he says 'you can' arghhhhhh it's like banging my head against a wall, I don't need his cheerleading moral support I need him to actually LISTEN.

Hes texting me right now with sad faces and aww I wish I could help etc, not actually coming home though.

pianodoodle Mon 16-Sep-13 20:33:25

YANBU I would talk to him about changing the hours back.

DD wasn't like this to the same extent but I do remember having some days where she was and also no one around to help and it's so draining.

If it gets very stressful do just put baby in the cot/basket even for a few minutes and go off for a few deep breaths no harm will come to her if you need a second to gether your thoughts.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:33:53

I'm being a shitty mother right now DD is laying on the ed in front of me screaming while I MN but I have tried everything, she has been walked around in the sling, I've tried feeding I've tried her dummy I've tried her vibrating chair I've tried music and white noise. I've given up and Im waiting for her to just stop it on her own. I don't know what else to do.

MrsOakenshield Mon 16-Sep-13 20:34:37

he's being a tosser, and he can fuck right off with his sad faces. Come the weekend, he is on duty 24/7. No exceptions.

More helpfully, have you tried cranial osteopathy?

msrisotto Mon 16-Sep-13 20:34:56

cor, no wonder you have the rage. His behaviour is despicable. Are there any helpful relatives around or a friend to cry/bitch/moan on the shoulder of?

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 20:35:08

He's being a knob. Have you posted before about it? The "cheerleading moral support" is ringing a few bells. And you certainly should not be missing therapy when you've got PND! Christ, does he want to drive you into the ground?

This probably isn't the most constructive advice ever, but have you tried getting seriously blow-your-top angry with him?

MrsOakenshield Mon 16-Sep-13 20:35:53

make a kind of swing with your arms and hold her over them tummy side down and swing from side do side (not a good idea if you've got a bad back) - might help? Bicycling legs while she's lying down?

Ragusa Mon 16-Sep-13 20:37:42

What an absolute cock. If you are expressing, I think you need to handily book yourself a night away this Saturday. Travelodge'll do if money's tight.... obviously, you'll be going alone or with a good female friend and daddy and baby can have some bonding time.

So cross on your behalf.

McNewPants2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:37:49

Put her in a safe place and go somewhere in the house away from her for 5 minutes.

This is what my HV told me when DD wouldn't stop crying.

Go back to the GP because the medication isn't working.

pianodoodle Mon 16-Sep-13 20:37:51

My friend had the same problem (plus PND) and found it useful to take her husband to the GP with her so they could help explain things to him a bit better and tell him the level of support needed.

He does need to listen properly.

Something I just remembered DD used to like being carried in her baby carrier (one of the ones that clip on to your front) it really helped her settle.

BabyStone Mon 16-Sep-13 20:38:37

Where are you? Private message me or anyone on here.
no experience of reflux but here to help

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:39:52

He is wonderful when he is here he does his share and more its just getting him to be here when he's needed!

Oh I have got furiously angry with him but he is infuriatingly quiet when I get the rage and makes me feel like I'm telling off a toddler.

I have friends and family for moral support but they are hundreds of miles away so no practical support

theignored Mon 16-Sep-13 20:40:01

Regarding the baby....My baby was like this (and at 8mths is only slightly better...sorry!) I would go to your gp's as much as you need to until you find something that works for your baby. We have tried, gaviscon, colief, milk for reflux and finally dairy free milk which makes a huge difference to the crying. I was at the docs every week nearly.

Regarding the hubby....he is being incredibly selfish, if he's finding it hard to deal with the crying and would rather work. It helps him but doesn't help you does it?
I would try and talk with him about it.

Have you got any earphones? I used to put some music on and sing through the crying. Big hugs, it really is an awful time xx

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 20:40:45

"awww wish I could help" hmm Can't get over how tosserish that is.

Jeez Marmalade - where are you?
would you be happy with some help
I'm in NI if any use?

OHforDUCKScake Mon 16-Sep-13 20:42:39

Probably already been suggested, but she might have an issue with dairy.

Do you have much dairy in your diet?

And YANBU to be annoyed. I hope things improve for you. X

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 20:43:03

My DS2 had terrible reflux. He had ranitidine and gaviscon which helped a lot! It does ease, I promise you.

As for your husband, I wouldn't be impressed at all. He was too tired? Tell him to join the club with every other parent of babies, and toddlers in some cases! Doesn't give him the right to get out of responsibilities.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 16-Sep-13 20:43:10

cranial osteopathy is a good suggestion look into it. If you are in east mids pm me OP

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:43:29

She will be quiet when he comes home so he will sit down with a cup of tea and do nothing, and I will want to punch him in the gullet. I really don't want him to come home. He knows how bad she is inthe wvenings cos he sees it at weekends.

I know, it pisses me off no end when he says stuff like that, I don't need emoticons and diddums I need actual help.

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:43:42

DH and I were discussing just today about how it's easier to be at work than to be at home once you have a baby, and I think your DH is taking the piss big style. DH works shifts on a 7 week pattern, and his lates were by far the worst when it came to me tearing my hair out and just being desperate for some respite when DS was tiny. I also used to struggle to feed myself as would be dealing with DS all evening so often didn't manage to get any dinner and would just be frazzled.

Ragusa Mon 16-Sep-13 20:43:54

I have experience of both severe reflux and milk allergy in a BF baby so if there is anythin I can do re info and signposting let me know. It contributed heavily to ny PND too sad

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 20:44:02

Meant to say, go back to the gp and say the ranitidine alone isn't working and get some gaviscon.

peggyundercrackers Mon 16-Sep-13 20:44:23

our dd had really bad reflux at the beginning for about 16 weeks, we eventually settled on giving her infacol - nothing else worked for us, this was about the 3rd or 4th different medicine we tried - just because you are using ranitidine doesn't mean its working as it should.

can I ask why she screams and thrashes about at night but not during the day? is she warmer/colder? different room? overly tired?

its not easy I know but it will get better.

cantthinkofagoodone Mon 16-Sep-13 20:44:38

Colic. Enough to drive anyone loopy. H is being v. V. Unreasonable.

Is this your only child? I used to take mine out in the pram and let him scream at me from there. Not being in helped me.

It will pass but if he can be there, he should be. Try the gp again too.

You are doing a good job. Trying to calm them down is so unsuccessful until they've done their 3 hours so much of the time but you're trying and for the 2 minutesit works you've achieved something.

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:45:03

Could she be overtired/over stimulated? Maybe early bath and bedtime might help? Big hugs x

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:45:09

I cut out dairy for about 6 weeks ad didnt see any improvement but I still hardly have any.

Sorry for my typing I'm actually shaking with stress here

DawnOfTheDee Mon 16-Sep-13 20:46:36

Whereabouts are you OP?

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:47:33

Do you have one of the lightshow things that project on the ceiling? Turn all the lights off and lie on your bed cuddling her, it might distract her and you can take some deep breaths and regroup. I know that terrible shaky feeling of doom x

MrsGarlic Mon 16-Sep-13 20:47:57

Oh my god I would kill him. He is too tired to do earlies? Too fucking tired?! And you're not tired?!

TBH I'd probably get to the point of turning up at his bloody work, handing the baby over and storming off! And you have PND too. You poor thing.

mactavish Mon 16-Sep-13 20:49:33

I'm so sorry, poor you. No you're not being unreasonable to be seriously p*ssed off with the selfish man. Think you should show him this whole thread so he can see what people think of his decision to abandon you to deal with this very very difficult time on your own.
It is his child, doesn't he care about her or you? You need support to look after your/his child and if he can't be there to do that then he needs to make some other arrangements not leave you to cope. YOu will only feel more and more resentful whilst he continues to dodge responsibility throughout the years.
Also agree with the other poster that said maybe you should just get completely over the top angry with him and get him to change back to early hours from tomorrow.

gordyslovesheep Mon 16-Sep-13 20:50:33

OP I am in the Midlands and would be happy to come and hold her for an evening (in a none weirdo way - I've had PND and it's vile x)

sparklekitty Mon 16-Sep-13 20:50:55

Let us know where you are, I'm sure someone will come and help. I'm on kent/east sussex boarder, more than happy to come and help if you don't mind my slightly manky fluffy jumper smile

Shakey1500 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:52:49

Can you get away one night when he's not working? Stay a night at a friends? Hotel? B&B? Just to get some REST and be away.

YANBU, it's a cop out.

My DH used to bugger off on jollies to London at weekends when DS was a baby. I was too riddled with PMT at first to do/say anything. Got wise and when he announced that he was off again, I also booked tickets and went the following weekend. On My Bloody Own. Nowt he could say, what's good for goose...

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 20:54:31

If its getting too much, place the baby in her cot where she is safe and walk away for a short breather.

This advice saved my sanity. And did no harm. DD is now 7 and happy.

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 20:54:38

In the Midlands too and would be happy to take it in turns with gordy!

bonzo77 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:54:54

What happens if you put her on her tummy with the head of her cot propped up a bit?

DS2 was a refluxy, colicky screamer. One day when he was about 10 weeks I very nearly lost it. So I put him down as described, shut the door and sat in the garden. After 25 minutes I came in and he was asleep. Everything I had been doing to calm him had actually been irritating him. At 9 months his reflux has all but gone, the colic is a distant memory. He's still a sensitive soul who likes specific conditions to sleep.

If your baby is now 16 weeks, she'll be rolling soon anyway, so I'd really consider tummy sleeping.

purrpurr Mon 16-Sep-13 20:55:20

Marmalade sad fuck, what a horrid thing for your DH to do. Nothing useful to add as suffering similar but your DH is unfuckingbelievable.

enormouse Mon 16-Sep-13 20:55:43

I cant offer any better advice than whats already been given but Im in NI too and would be happy to help you any way I can if you're in this part of the world.

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 20:55:50

And you're right emoticons and 'wish I could help' are worthless.

Changing his shifts and him actually helping are what you need.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:55:53

Getting angey doesnt have any affect, he just goes quiet and puppy dog eyes. He doesnt react to emotion to the point where i think theres actuallu something wrong with him. I have cried and screamed alot since she was born saying i cant cope and i wish i had died in childbirth and he gives me a hug but acts like nothing has happened half hour later. 'm in the wirral

stillstanding29 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:56:20

That sounds really tough.I don't have any experience of reflux but I do have experience of husband going AWOL when the going got tough. He always used to get home after the kids were in bed and buggered off for hours at the weekend. In a very unMumsnetty way I learnt to work round it - I couldn't change it - and I didn't want to ltb. My DH is much better now the kids are older. Not sure that's terribly helpful. Think you need cake

gordyslovesheep Mon 16-Sep-13 20:57:23

oh I am from there but not anymore sad I hope someone can volunteer a shoulder and a hold of your daughter x

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:58:08

and thanks for all the practical advice, I am taking it all on board just moving a bit fast for me to reply to everythjng

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 16-Sep-13 20:58:21

Can you talk to your dr OP you sound very down which is understandable the amount of pressure you're under but concerned about you and your baby please can you call 999 if you feel desperate at any point please call them or someone you can trust.

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:58:46

Can you go and stay with your parents for a few days or get someone to come and stay with you to help out a bit?x

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 16-Sep-13 20:59:08

Anyone from the Wirral or near OP to offer a helping hand?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 20:59:19

I posted when I was 6 months pregnant because he walked out on me without a word and you all told me to LTB! Wish I had!

magicstars Mon 16-Sep-13 20:59:32

YANBU. He is.

Dd was like this, it's terrible and so, so hard on your own. Happiest baby on the block has great suggestions, only wish we'd discovered it when she was tiny. Basically - swaddle, white noise (a hair dryer or we preferred rain on YouTube). Sucking if she'll take a dummy, there is also a special hold which you can find on tinternet if you google happiest baby on the block reflex, and last rocking/ motion.
Strangely walking up and down the stairs helped dd (and I've read other people saying it helped their colicky babies too). Though it is too exhausting to do for prolonged periods.
Really hope some of this helps- let me know if you are in Herts and I can help.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:00:32

I'm ok I'm not desperately down, I have some coping strategies for the PND and anxiety and know when to take myself off for help if need be. Don't worry about that.

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 21:00:55

If getting angry doesn't work you need to take action.

At the weekend, hand your baby over to him and leave, out of the door and do something you enjoy. make sure this time includes an evening, so he knows exactly what its like.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:02:10

Donyou have any tips for swaddling? It helped when she was teeny tiny but she's a great big strong lump now and fights her way out. I don't know how to do it so she can't kick it all off.

Oh god exh was like this re the emotion when dd1 was a baby and I think I had postnatal psychosis then hmm
This is unhelpful but things didn't improve.
Yanbu. I left tb

Do you have a car? Can you go out for a drive somewhere, like a 24 hour supermarket?

Ignoring your other problems with your DH, could you go and stay with your family for a bit? you obviously need support.

MrsOakenshield Mon 16-Sep-13 21:08:47

take the swaddle cloth and fold over one corner. Pop her down so her head is at that corner. Wrap one side over and then tuck under her tight. Do they same with the other side, tightly, and you should be able to fold up the excess and tuck it away. Then hold her up by your shoulder and vigorously rock her - sounds a bit mad but DD would be asleep in about a minute using this method and couldn't kick it off.

Second going out and leaving him to it right at the witching hour.

Please do look into cranial osteopathy - DD had something much much milder than this and one appointment had it sorted - a few could make the world of difference, and spending your 'D'H's money on it should make you feel better!

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:10:03

My family live really, really far away and we have only recently got back in touch so I don't think going there is practical. I just need her father to take his share of responsibility. At weekends when he is here I can cope beautifully because he does do his share.

stiffstink Mon 16-Sep-13 21:10:10

I think that if she's 10lb she could go in a baby sleeping bag, my DS loved having his lower half swaddled so the grobags/sleep bags were ideal.

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:11:38

He walked out on you when you were pregnant?! What a bastard.

pianodoodle Mon 16-Sep-13 21:12:16

It's probably not recommend but one day DD was screaming for hours and I actually put a pair of ear plugs in. I still tended to her etc... the same way but for half an hour at least it was a bit more muffled and not so shrill. Obviously I didn't go to sleep with them in smile

A few days before I actually had pains in my ears and pressure due to sudden wax build up - when I googled it it said prolonged loud noise was the culprit I'd just been screamed at so much my ears had tried to block themselves!

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 21:12:37

Oh I am sorry I can't come and help. I am originally from the north west myself too, but not from the Wirral area so don't even know what to advise on if there are local places you can go to for advice or help.

Definitely go back to the gp though and tell them the ranitidine isn't working! Do it tomorrow if you can. Sooner you get different medication, hopefully the sooner they can help.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:15:47

She's 14lbs so I'll get her a grobag tomorrow, she doesn't have one.

Yeah, popped into work for half hour and just never came back! I had the police involved and everything! He came back and I took him back, I often think what if I'd just left at that point? He is such a cunt and I hate my relationship.

haverer Mon 16-Sep-13 21:17:40

Your 'D'H is a selfish fucking bastard. He's making me angry and I've never even met him. How DARE he do that. Can you express some milk for the weekend so you can walk out on fri night and not come back until Monday lunchtime? (Remember to bring your pump with you or your tits will explode.)

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:17:48

She's calmed down enough for me to get a dummy in her mouth now so hopefully soon she will take a feed and go to sleep. One day down a million more to go.

teacher123 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:18:24

Have my first ever LTB. He sounds like an absolute arse. He disappeared when you needed him when you were pregnant and he's deliberately avoiding helping you now. Surely you'd be better off without him? This awful colicky phase will end, do you want him in your life then?!

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:20:22

She's mix fed so if I wanted to walk out now I could do, there's formula in the house. There's no point tho cos he'd just take her to his mums house, he wouldn't have to sit here with the baby on his own for hours like I do.

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 21:21:52

And what shitty excuse did he give you when he returned?

I am starting to think that maybe you would actually cope much better and feel better if he was out of your life. He sounds like an entitled, selfish knobber!

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:23:39

He is so selfish. If he's not going to even help with the baby anymore then I don't see the point of this relationship. When I write all this stuff down I think ehy on earth am I even still here in this house.

StraightJacket Mon 16-Sep-13 21:23:56

If you mix feed, do you use the formula specifically for reflux? It is made by SMA and is in a purple tin. You can get in on prescription.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 21:25:38

Oh marmalade shock this is the tip of a bloody big iceberg isn't it.

Could you go to his mum's with the baby some evenings (assuming you get on)?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:26:20

He had gambled (he used to be a gambling addict and it was a minor relapse) and so decided to disappear instead of facing up to it, turned off his phone and let me wonder if he was dead. About the 5th time he had done it but first while I was pregnant. I posted here and got a lot of support which helped me get into a position today where Incould leave if I wanted to, but I think I should have left back then.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:26:30

After reading your last message regarding his mum, I think he really needs to be told to grow up and take some bloody responsibility. Disgusting and pathetic, does he go running to mummy if he is ill?

Do you get on well with his mum?

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 21:26:30

(Am not prejudging the relationship, by the way, just thinking of how you might cope with evenings this week...)

paperlantern Mon 16-Sep-13 21:26:59

another vote for cranial osteotherapy. took ds from holding down nothing at 8angry months to eating within 3 sessions one week apart. he then needed top ups but slowly he could last out 6-8 weeks between sessions. he still goes now at 6 but he has other issues too.

monkey hold described earlier, makes big difference to pain levels

back to regular docs because ratadine isn't working.

reflux really can be hell on earth, but it can be helped.

give some thought as to whether "D"P is actually part of the cause of the depression

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 21:27:53

x-post, the fifth time?

Bloody hell. Gambling every time?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:28:02

I don't really have the sort of relationship with my in laws where I could rock up with the baby on a regular basis but if it got monumentally unbearable I probably could as a one off.

Ledkr Mon 16-Sep-13 21:28:19

I'm not even joining in with the discussion on him buy just wanted to say that if its this bad then see dr again and ask for a referral to a paediatrician.
My dd was like this and it hideous and she was my fifth and my dh is amazing. She cried almost constantly.
There are other meds you can try.
Do you have her cot wedged up?
Try water too as I found that helped.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:29:50

Yeah, not even the sort of money that warrants a big dramatic disappearance, last time was his bus fare, a tenner!! A few posters suggested he was doing it for the drama and attention which is probably right

cerealqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 21:29:54

I was just thinking what teacher123 said. He is being deliberate in his lack of support and dispassionate in his response to you.

Would his mum not be able to provide you some practical support? Does she know what a cock he is?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:30:50

Ok well I think if you really need their help then ask. Other than that tell his mum to stop taking the baby from him as he isn't even trying, just palming her onto them, cos he can't be bothered.

Christ I don't want to say LTB, however you sound like you really don't want to be with this selfish git (understandably)

Do you love him?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:31:39

She saw a paed who prescribed we ranitidine, it was an enormous fight to get the ranitidine and I do think it works but she needs her dosage upped, she's gained a lot of weight since then. GPs won't do it so Inthink trying to see a paed again is a good idea

cerealqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 21:31:58

Sorry, didn't see your last post about that. I've never said LTB either but really, he isn't going to be there for you or the baby is he?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:32:53

I love him, don't think he loves me though. I care about his well being but he doesn't seem to care about mine

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 21:34:22

I remember your thread when he fucked off and we were all desperately worried for you.

He is a game player. Make you panic so much that the fact he is there is enough so you don't ask for any actual help.

Your relationship is over when you find yourself married to a toddler.

cerealqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 21:35:21

But loving him is no good for you is it, or your baby. Your Dp should be an added benefit, not an emotional drain on you.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:37:45

Does he ever do anything for you?

A relationship has to be a two way thing.

Is he this selfish with everything?

Sorry so many questions, it's just you really don't sound happy at all sad I am so sorry he is making you feel this way. I wish I lived closer to try and give you some help and support.

Would you consider the possibility of asking him to move into his mums for a little while, and see how you feel without him there?

MinnieMousse Mon 16-Sep-13 21:38:07


Reflux is awful to cope with and you need the support of your partner.

Your DDs reflux is not being properly managed. I have had two DDs with reflux and once on the correct medication (and hydrolysed formula if necessary) your child does not need to be in this much pain. You need to get back to see the paediatrician or a different GP. Your DD clearly needs a higher dose of ranitidine or to try medication such as Omeprazole. If you can get the reflux under control, hopefully it will help your PND.

Feel free to PM me if I can offer any advice about the reflux.

cerealqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 21:40:05

A friend of mine had a baby who suffered terribly with reflux, her DP drove the baby round for hours when he got home from work to give her a break (it helped baby too) He should be doing that.

YouTheCat Mon 16-Sep-13 21:40:56

Both mine were like that. Screamed blue murder from 7pm (when ex would go to the pub) and not stop till 11. (when he came back)

Dd stopped around 6 weeks. Ds didn't until he started solids (at 14 weeks - yes I know but it was the 90s). It was a total nightmare and you have my sympathy.

It won't be forever, it just feels like it right now.

OP your dp sounds like an utter knobend.

cerealqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 21:41:34

Would colief help at all?

magicstars Mon 16-Sep-13 21:42:52

Bless you, it sounds awful for you and you are doing a great job on your own. You won't change him- he has to be the one to do this, if and when he's ready. Hard though it is, for now focus on yours and dd's well-being and let him sort himself out. Can you stay closer to your family/friends? Also speak to your Gp about talking therapies if you haven't already, or if you can afford it, pay for some NLP sessions to help you through.

Re dd: She probably is too big for swaddling now. Hopefully the gro bag will help. You can get groswaddles in mothercare which are fab, but I don't know what size they go up to.

Good luck.


VashtaNerada Mon 16-Sep-13 21:45:42

Really sorry to jump to the end of the thread without reading it all (hate it when people do that!) but I was in a very, very similar situation to you. DH became a complete twunt after DD was born, DD was a nightmare, I was at the end of my tether. It worked out fine. DH came to his senses, DD got better, I started to get my life back. IT WILL GET BETTER

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:49:42

I will take her back to the doctor but I don't think the screaming is down to the reflux because it's only for a window in the evenings. When her reflux was bad she was steaming through feeds and grunting and whimpering all the time. She's happy as a lamb during the day since being on the meds.

She's had a tiny little nap with her dummy and is now sitting on my lap smiling so I think it's over for tonight.

DH has always been selfish and looking back on our relationship it's just a string of being pissed on by him and giving my all and getting nothing back. I think this working in the evenings probably seems small and irrelevant but it's just the last straw for me and I don't want to even look at his face anymore.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:50:26

Sorry what are NLP sessions?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 21:52:47

Im getting angry about this before he is even here but when he comes home he will stand next to me and just stare at me in silence waiting for me to say something. He always does this when he knows I've been uoset and it drives me insane and makes me feel all insecure. It can be for like half an hour until I give up and walk away cos I dot want to talk. I don't want him to come home and do that.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 21:55:31

Oh marmalade sad i really fell for you right now.

You have a few options really

1. LTB

2. Do as suggested and bugger off at the weekend, and let him cope.

3. Sit and talk again, until you reach some sort of agreement.

If none can be made ie. he carries on being a selfish git, then maybe resort back to no 1.

I really hate saying that it just doesn't feel right telling someone to leave their DP. It really needs to be your decision, but if you're not happy........

Lovecat Mon 16-Sep-13 21:56:11

(((Whyis))) I'm from The Wirral but in London now, otherwise I'd come over and give you a rest from it all sad

DD had reflux and although the medication helped, every afternoon, regular as clockwork, she would scream and wail in pain from 4pm-6pm. Because DH couldn't get home from work til 6pm I was on my own (all family still on the Wirral!) and I ended up on ADs, it drove me to my limits. The only thing that helped was to hold her bolt upright against my shoulder and walk up and down. Singing. For 2 hours. Looking back I'm surprised I didn't end up going utterly doolally. She did well in a grobag, and eventually, at around 6 months, it settled down.

Your DH is being an arse. Has he said why he changed his hours back? I'm trying to get where his head is with this, but WTF does he think he's playing at?

Do go back to your GP and see if you can get another referral to the Paed. specialist. It took me a few goes before DD got the right balance of medication. We had infacol, ranitidine and domperidone - domperidone (motilium) worked best, also changing her formula (I had to give up bfing at 7 weeks, which was when her reflux problems started) to the 'Comfort' brand (aptamil iirc) really helped with her being sick.

It does get better, but Jesus, your DH certainly isn't helping matters.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 21:56:49

Ergh, that sounds weird confused. Has he told you why he does that? As in, does it feel concerned, or threatening, or what?

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 21:57:06

Then walk away if he comes near and doesn't immediately talk.

Put baby to bed, get a bath and into bed with tea/chocolate/magazine and just have your evening.

The baby sounds like it might be this. DD didn't have reflux but she wailed every evening.

About your OH. He just sounds so manipulative. You can't change his behaviour, just what you do. What do you want to do?

YouTheCat Mon 16-Sep-13 21:57:50

With mine it was colic with dd and reflux and colic with dd.

Pilgit Mon 16-Sep-13 21:58:25

your 'D'H is being a dick. No solutions for you but maybe some comments to help cope with the screaming. My babcia (grandmother) used to say that sometimes babies cry because they are tired and have no other way to use up energy. When you've tried everything else and they still won't stop - remembering this advice has helped to detatch from the torture of listening to it! DD2 also has reflux and would scream for ages for no reason we could see. But it must be horrid for them - tired and heartburn that won't go away. Find some mum and baby groups locally, does the NCT have coffee mornings? Round here there are groups at different places everyday. IT will not help your baby but it will hopefully help you.

Put her down somewhere safe and go somewhere else for 5 minutes. It won't hurt your baby. It was and is advice I have used and it helped. With DD1 we discovered that she just wanted us to leave her alone (thinking that won't help here). It is very easy for all of us to sit here and tell you what you need - what you need is perspective, which is very difficult to obtain when you are tired and locked in this cycle. This is a great place to get advice, support and perspective (and some straight talking).

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 21:59:57

That sounds like some kind of wierd control thing.

Is he perhaps not facing up to and accepting how awful he's been but waiting for you to confront him.

Then it can be passed off as you making an issue out of it and then he can rail and 'rebel' against you.

Childish and horrible.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:02:58

He doesn't say why he does it but it's him trying to make me talk without him having to say anything first. If I speak he stays quiet which winds me up and then he will sit there quiet with puppy dog eyes and make me feel like Im being a bastard. So I don't bother. It's horrible and makes me feel so small and crappy cos Hes just staring and looming over me.

I've skimmed that link and it does sound familiar, I'll read it properly in a bit.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:03:53

^Is he perhaps not facing up to and accepting how awful he's been but waiting for you to confront him.

Then it can be passed off as you making an issue out of it and then he can rail and 'rebel' against you. ^

Omg yes, exactly this.

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 22:05:26

That sounds horrible. Does he seem to actually want to put things right? Or is it more like letting you have a rant and then on he goes on his merry way business as usual?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:06:04

Do you do things for him like washing or tidying up after him?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:09:07

He forgets it half hour later so its more fristrating than sying nothing at all sometimes.

you're all going to smack your foreheads but yeah, I do everything for him. I cook him hot food to take to work every day and then don't have time to cook for myself while he's at work usually. he has the life of riley

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow Mon 16-Sep-13 22:11:34

He sounds a bit peculiar and very manipulative, tbh. What do you see happening, OP? Can it be resolved or will it fester and get worse? ((())) sounds like you are having a tough time, and I wish I was closer and could help.

You've already had some great advice, but I couldn't read and run. First off, you are not a shitty mother. I'm going to say that again as I think you need it: you are not a shitty mother.

Secondly, this will pass. Her colic will get better, maybe not as soon as you would like, but it will. Sooner than you think, that thrashing little baby will be a toddler hugging you and saying "night night" at bedtime. Honestly.

When ds was at his worst colic-wise, I used to strap him in his buggy or sling and walk round and round the block with him. Sometimes it calmed him down, usually it calmed me down. Often I was stopped by other people who gave me sympathy or support. You are not alone.

I can't advise you re your oh, but counselling might be away forward.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:13:30

I can't be bothered with it all tbh, there's always something. I don't want to even see his face again but it's easier to just do nothing, I need to leave at some point though.

Do you have a close friend you could go stay with for a week or so to get help with dd and space to consider the future.?

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 22:22:36

What would happen if you didn't make him a hot meal and iron him a shirt etc?

I think you could do with some rl help. Amy family or friends you could stay with (I know they're not local)?

Usually I would advise not to make any rash relationship decisions in the first 6 months of having a baby as survival is the most most of us can aim for! But it sounds as though its gone on for a while.

Frankly OP you sound like you could do better. You're funny, strong, eloquent and those are just the things I can see from this thread. I'm sure there are many more. Can he see those things?

Or does he see someone to iron for him and feed him while he pisses around?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:27:14

Honestly, if I didn't bring him food he just wouldn't eat. And then I feel guilty.

Hes home now and standing staring at me! Jes staring at me right now while I type this. He sort of blocks my way so I have to make a point of squeezing around him and then I look like I'm storming off.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:29:29

Then stop right now. If he does not want to do anything for you, then withdraw your services to him.

It's little things like that, that makes him think he can walk all over you. Time to take back the reins.

I also agree that you sound like a great mum. He is the one failing in the father department at the moment. It's not you.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 22:30:34

he just wouldn't eat.

And is that a problem?

It's not Woman's Task on Earth to feed the men. I am still getting my head round this - I have this terrible instinct to serve up huge hearty meals every day when I'm in a relationship where on my own I'd probably survive on cheese and biscuits.

He sounds utterly passive aggressive and weird. Can you go off to bed?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:30:48

Just look at him and say, yes you look like you have something to say?

And see what the response is. If its a stupid response, then tell him to stop staring cos it's weird.

maddening Mon 16-Sep-13 22:31:33

I remember 12weeks being hard - growth spurt then too so as bfing it was hard - and we didn't have reflux - it does pass. I found swaddle bags good - woombie in particular.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:31:41

Oh well he will have to starve then. Don't feel guilty do you think he does?

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 22:33:03

His behaviour (the staring and the blocking) sound very wierd and Not Right to me. Certainly not hallmarks of a healthy relationship.

Is it a control thing?

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 22:33:10

Also, don't worry about what it looks like if you have to squeeze past him. That's his kind of thinking. He's the one playing some weird psychological staring game. You're just a normal person going about your business.

AlwaysWashing Mon 16-Sep-13 22:33:35

Sounds like enough is enough now.

You had the time & energy to indulge him before your DC now you simply don't. Make yourself and your baby your priority.

No idea of your financial situation but however it's possible just get out and start again. Home Start will give you plenty of help to give you a break.

I have no experience of reflux but do have of screaming babies - noise cancelling headphones - just for half an hour to stop your brains rattling. You can be there with your DC but without the pain of the noise.

LTB lovey, you're doing it all yourself already.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:33:43

I've come downstairs and left him with the baby. Im too tired to get myself worked up with a one sided argument tonight. I know I'm painting myself as really pathetic and downtrodden housewifey, but he never forces me to do anything and wouldn't get angry if I didn't.

maddening Mon 16-Sep-13 22:34:05

And if he has chosen to work he must accept that there is jo time to cook when on your own with a screaming baby.

Just go to bed with the baby and leave him to fend for himself.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:36:48

Of course he doesn't force you, why would he if all he does is look at you with puppy dog eyes.

It's all about control and he has you where he wants you.

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:36:51

I don't know if it's a control thing because he's really quiet and not what you'd think of as controlling but manipulative maybe?

I have no income of my own but have been squirrelling money for 6 months thanks to advice on the last thread I posted so if I wanted to leave now I could. Practically I could get up and go right now but it's just such a mammoth thing to do while battling PND and a difficult baby and everything.

BishBashBoshBoo Mon 16-Sep-13 22:37:00

Get some sleep OP.
And tomorrow look after yourself first and not him.
You're a new mum coping not only with a baby but PND. Make sure feeing yourself and getting enough rest and time for you is your priority.

Exactly what BishBashBosh said. Take care of yourself love.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 22:40:24

Well done on the squirreling. Circumstances are just conspiring against you at the moment - concentrate on getting better.

I am particularly hmm that he thinks it's ok for you to miss therapy. That does not suggest that he wants you to get better. He may be being a whole lot more manipulative than it first appears. Is there anyone who could babysit for the hour or two that would take?

satsumagirl Mon 16-Sep-13 22:40:42

Yanbu! Reading your post OP has reminded me how hard it was when my two children were newborns. It's such fricking hard work.

I think your DH is avoiding being at home and he needs to man up. I second the poster who said take him to one of your GP visits and don't hold back on describing your PND symptoms whilst there.

It will get better, I promise. Xxx

beepoff Mon 16-Sep-13 22:42:22

Hang on, you cook hot food for him to take to work since you had your colicky refluxy 16 week old?

I've never said this before except in jest but I really think your life would be easier without him... LTB.

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:42:41

Agree with Bish, get some sleep and think more tomorrow.

It's good that you are in a position to leave if you make that decision. Just try and be in the right frame of mind before you decide. Easier said than done i know. No matter what happens you will get there, you are a strong woman, even though it may not feel like it at the moment.

I am just so sorry you are not getting the support that you need xx

satsumagirl Mon 16-Sep-13 22:43:13

And you are not a shitty mum! A million miles from it. I would have left the country by now. I did lose the plot slightly when both of mine were around 12 weeks old. I was just so tired and fed up. But it gets much easier grin

Longtallsally Mon 16-Sep-13 22:45:20

Why is there marmalade - sending loads of sympathy. My DS1 was exactly like this for 13 weeks - waited ages for the magic 12 weeks tp arrive but nothing happened to stop it. Then we went for cranial osteopathy and it stopped after 2 treatments, so seconding that suggestion.

DS2 was the same but cranial osteopathy didn't work for him. Colief did though.

Keep on trying all the different options suggested by folks. One of them will work for you and then this phase will pass. Then keep on posting. You are not alone. It's horrid, awful, and leaves you totally exhausted, we know, but it is a phase, and you will get through it.

Best of luck

KatOD Mon 16-Sep-13 22:46:46

First things first. You're doing a good job, you're coping with a tough illness and a challenging phase of your DD. I had similar and it was hell. You are doing brilliantly and are being really strong.

I don't know what I'd have done without my DH, and your OH is being a completely selfish arse - I really feel for you.

Could you ask your MIL to come over and help one evening so she can see what it's like (and actually help?) and maybe enlist her help in persuading your nob of a son to contribute?

Oh... And stop cooking for the selfish twat, if he won't support you why the hell should you support him. Treat yourself better, it will help you start coping with the PND more too.

Good luck. X

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 16-Sep-13 22:47:00

Im having an appointment on a morning next week so it's ok I don't need to find a babysitter it just means pushing it back a week which is annoying.

He knows the extent of my PND because I have cried to him about it a lot but he doesn't seem to properly listen, so I wrote it in a letter and made him read it but again half hour later it was all forgotten. I think there's something wrong with him and he can't process other people's emotions.

Im off to get a bath and some sleep if the baby will allow, thank you all for listening to me tonight and thanks for all the practical advice flowers

Does he behave this way with friends, co-workers and family? I mean entirely fail to empathise or understand or help?

Tiredmumno1 Mon 16-Sep-13 22:51:24

You take care marmalade, hope you have a lovely peaceful bath and some sleep smile x

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 02:09:51

He behaves like this with his family, I've seen him do the silent puppy dog eyes with his mum when she's been upset with something he has done. I've not seen his friends upset with him but he will go out of his way to help them and his colleagues, swapping shifts etc.

goodasitgets Tue 17-Sep-13 02:34:49

I am in the NW with a week off next week. If you need anything just ask, I will happily hold baby or help around the house or whatever you need. CRB checked too

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Tue 17-Sep-13 02:43:20

Not sure if it has already been suggested, but can you start the bedtime routine early and try to get baby to sleep before the screaming starts?
We initially put DS in the bath at about 7.30pm but he was so tired and upset by then it was a huge struggle. Moving bath time to 6pm really helped.

StuntGirl Tue 17-Sep-13 02:53:33

Your husband is a cunt.

Good job on the squirrelling of money, it will serve you well when you finally get the push to leave.

He's a twat and not worth another moment of your time.

I hope things get better for you soon marmalade x

PrimalLass Tue 17-Sep-13 06:49:40

We had this with DS, and cranial osteopathy was brilliant. He had a slightly mishapen forhead (emergency forceps csection) and it smoothed out from the first session.

For swaddling (we did it until 6 months), the best thing was a stretchy knitted shawl.

Another miracle was colocynthis granules. You can often get them from the pharmacy in Boots, or from a herbalist. Try phoning Napiers in Edinburgh.

PrimalLass Tue 17-Sep-13 06:54:02

If you can't get the granules (they usually come with a wee scoop) then you could grind one of these.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 17-Sep-13 07:09:00

I honestly think you should leave sad

I think you would feel a whole lot better about life in general if you weren't living with this prat (as discussed on previous threads).

Dealing with DD would be easier because you would have a different mind set. At the moment, on top of her screaming (which is bad enough!!) you are also dealing with him letting you down in an awful way, being a self absorbed fucker and being pathetic on top of that 'I wish I could help' He fucking could if he wanted to!!!!!! Bastard. Remove all of that stress from your life.

You would have more time & energy to look after yourself and your DD if you weren't running around after this little prick as well.

You owe it to yourself to leave. Hard as it is to do right now, when you are so so so tired do it knowing it will be easier as soon as you have done it.

magicstars Tue 17-Sep-13 07:24:38

Morning marmalade, hope you managed to get some rest?

NLP stands for neurolinguist programming. DH and I had some sessions (individually) when he was drinking excessively. Made me realise I was only going to drive myself round the bend trying to help, or change him. I had to move on with my life and if he changed to fit in with me then great, if not, his loss. Thankfully it worked well for us both and several years down the line things are very different.
Your DH sounds like a complicated character, it may be that he is unable to empathise and is good at manipulating and controlling people. Your dd and you deserve better than that.
Can you speak to his mum? She may be in denial about his behaviour, but she may also be a great help.

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Sep-13 07:54:14

You make him hot food when you don't have time to make something for yourself? Who cares if he doesn't eat? You barely have time and you have PND. He's having a relaxing time at work. He's being deliberately unsupportive by changing his shifts when you really really need him. He's an absolute pig.

How dreadful having to deal with a crap husband dragging you down when you already have a colicky baby and PND to be coping with. My DD was extremely colicky and high needs up until about 16 weeks and I know how unspeakably tough I found that.

You are doing an excellent job. Well done you. But you may find it easier if you left him-he doesn't help you at all and in fact make things worse.

You make him a hot dinner? He should be sorting his own lazy self out AND making you a little sandwich to grab when you can through the day. While you continue to squirrel cash and steel yourself to leave just introduce him to the breadbin and stop catering for him.

Goodness, his vile, selfish, cruel treatment of you has made me so cross on your behalf.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 08:35:35

I know I need to leave, and the fact I've been squirrelling away money and got back in contact with my family I think deep down I've been planning it for ages. If I leave it will probably have to be back to my home town which is a huge upheaval. I need to deal with my mental health first of all and then make some plans.

Well this morning I am sitting on MN with a cup of tea and toast while DH is doing a feed. I haven't taken him up some breakfast like I usually do and I won't be cooking him lunch. If he starves I won't be made to feel guilty, he'd let me starve without noticing.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 08:38:53

Im going to look at cranial osteopathy, it's been mentioned a lot on this thread, DD was an EMCS with forceps too, I dunno if she has a funny shaped head - I think all babies look a bit funny to me!

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Sep-13 08:43:16

Great. So glad to hear that update. I think if you ditched the unsupportive lead weight your mental health may well improve somewhat anyway.

Retroformica Tue 17-Sep-13 09:04:52

Well done! I agree stop bothering to cook and look after him. Don't make an issue out if it, just do it calmly and quietly.

He doesn't look after your mental health, you don't look domestically after him.

He is being selfish. You must care for yourself and your baby first. Your needs are top at the moment, so feed yourself well, get out for walks, tell friends about your problems, be kind to yourself. Make a plan to leave even if it isn't now.

Retroformica Tue 17-Sep-13 09:07:07

It will pass. It stopped completely at 8 months for us but it did get worse before it got better. Can you invite a friend round for support some evenings?

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 09:31:57

Morning marmalade smile

So glad you to see you are getting harsh with him. I really hope you don't back down and do anything for him. He doesn't deserve your energy tbh.

BishBashBoshBoo Tue 17-Sep-13 09:59:13

Morning Marmalade.

It sounds as though you've made a great start by not making his breakfast and lunch. Say nothing unless he raises it because this is quite reasonable and normal, particularly under the circumstances. He'll feed himself. He's a grown man.

You need to look after yourself especially as you're not getting that from your dh.

It sounds like a good idea to look into cranial osteopathy. I've heard it is really good.

Good start!

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 10:13:11

I haven't even said a word to him since he got home and he hasn't spoken to me either, he won't until I speak. I'm just going about my day as if he's not here tbh.

8 months seems so, so far away. I can't imagine DD ever getting past the baby stage.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Sep-13 10:15:07

DS also had awful colic and cranial osteopathy helped him. A bad night started at 7pm and finished at 4 or 5am. The difference is that I went to bed at 9pm, DH woke me at 1am and I took over then - he had to work in the morning, but still did a 4 hr shift of the screaming. Colief helped a bit too. However, during the screaming, the only thing that really did any good was a swing seat - one where he was quite upright and got swung - we didn't have a battery in it so were doing all the swinging ourselves, and this helped to get the screaming down quite a few notches. However the cranial osteopathy stopped it - suddenly, after the 3rd treatment (1st two improved matters).

To purposefully change your shift so that you cannot help your partner who is ill with your own child is utterly heartless.

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 17-Sep-13 10:18:03

Good luck, Marmalade.

It sounds like an awful situation to live in. The screaming would take me right to the edge, and the childish behaviour of DP would send me over it. I really hope you find the strength to get through it, one way or another.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 12:04:32

I've just confronted him. This is pretty much what I said:

I know you're doing all of this on purpose to manipulate me. I know you chose to switch to late shift because you know how difficult (baby) is in the evenings and you want me not to cope. I know you purposefully didnt try and get the time off so I can go to therapy this week, because how many times have you switched your shifts to help someone other than me. I think you're playing mind games like when you left when I was pregnant, and I wish I had left you at that point. I know you're trying to make me go mad or hurt me or whatever.

I got a lot of 'yeah whatever' and head shakes.

I've never said anything like that to him ever before. Usially after a fall out he sulks and I mollycoddle him.

BishBashBoshBoo Tue 17-Sep-13 12:04:36

I remember feeling like that, that I couldn't imagine my dc getting older than babies.

It does pass. And it gets so much easier. And so much more fun. And you'll be one of us annoying people who say how fast it has flown.

You need to give your dh situation some deep thought. You deserve better. You might also want to think about (as I'm sure you have) what kind of a father he will be and what kind of role model your marriage will be to your dd.

BishBashBoshBoo Tue 17-Sep-13 12:08:57

sorry x-posted.

It sounds as though you've handled that well. That must have taken courage.

'Yeah, whatever' is just a pants reaction. He has neither accepted the hurt he's caused you, nor taken responsibility for his behaviour and apologised nor seeked to resolve things.

It is worrying how little he seems to care how much he's hurt you and let you down. I'm angry on your behalf.

At the very least you need some marriage counselling.

oldgrandmama Tue 17-Sep-13 12:16:13

My daughter's first child was a screamer. She tried cranial osteopathy and it worked wonders, calmed the baby boy down a lot. As for your husband, marmalade, I can only agree with what others have observed. He sounds a right piece of work.

petalsandstars Tue 17-Sep-13 12:48:05

His reaction to that speaks volumes. Sorry to be blunt but from what you've posted he doesn't help or support you and is constantly taking whether it is food, household stuff or emotionally.

You would be surely better off with a support network and living elsewhere and getting csa from him than having to deal with the twunt living in the same house.

Best wishes to you though as I have a 3mo and can't imagine what you're going through alone flowers

purrpurr Tue 17-Sep-13 12:50:07

Well done Marmalade. Has he said anything further or not engaged with you at all on this?

I'm near Liverpool if you want to escape for coffee at any point.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Sep-13 12:55:25

I think his reaction says it all. A normal person would stare in horror at a partner who said that to them and it would be the start of a long discussion. His responses, his behaviour, sounds weird and erratic and, as you said, emotionally a bit vacant. For whatever reason he just doesn't give a shit what you think or feel.

It's not worth your valuable time to analyze why. The only important thing to remember is that his inadequacy as a father, partner and human being is about him, not you.

Hope you manage to have a calm afternoon with your DD in spite of him.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 12:59:31

No he hasn't said anything else, I'm sitting here looking at him like he does to me (but Im not standing over him cos I think that's horrible and intimidating) but he's not saying anything. I keep saying don't you have anything to say and he just shakes his head in a sort of eye-rolling way. I took off my wedding ring and gave it to him and he took it and put it in his pocket. No reaction at all.

He leaves for work in 10 mins

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow Tue 17-Sep-13 13:01:51

Can you pack and be gone when he comes back? A friend or family? Or better still, pack his stuff? Well done for saying what you needed to - I agree that his response says it all.

Have you ever talked to his family about his weirdness?

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 17-Sep-13 13:02:02

Jesus, Marmalade! What an absolute shit!

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 13:07:29

He just told me I'm being ridiculous and he is sulking. He's making me feel like a total crazy bullying shit.

There's nowhere I can go at that sort of short notice, all my friends and family are hundreds of miles away and I don't drive. I moved here to be with him. I don't really want to pack his bag either cos he has form for running away when he's upset and I can't be bothered putting his parents through that again. I might call them to come collect him at some point, he's 30 years old so it's ridiculous that he would need to be collected but there you go.

Cluffyflump Tue 17-Sep-13 13:08:39

Do you know what?
It is easier to cope with pnd/crying baby when you are not holding on to the hope/anger/disappointment/hurt that you feel when you are in a relationship with a selfish, nasty man.

It must be something to do with feeling so many negative emotions as well as dealing with pnd and your Dc.

You are doing really well and you will be just fine.

nilbyname Tue 17-Sep-13 13:10:10

He is a waste of space!

Didn't want to read and run, he is a horrible weak person!

Cluffyflump Tue 17-Sep-13 13:11:58

You are far from ridiculous.
Idiot (him)

I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry. But why did you fall out with your family?

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 13:16:41

He should have left for work now but he hasn't even got his bag ready so Indont know if he's going. I don't want to ask because then he will say well no not if you want me to stay and make it my problem.

There wasn't really a fall out, I just didnt get on very well with my parents and after moving away we lost contact because neither of us cared enough to make the effort. -But I've been talking to them via facebook & emails for a few months now.

specialmagiclady Tue 17-Sep-13 13:17:54

Can I suggest that you pop your baby into her car seat, pop her in the car and take her to his place of work.

It will do one of 2 things: calm her to sleep or show him what he's missing. Either way, a win win. If that's not possible, how about Phoning him at work and just holding the baby to the phone. Repeatedly.

My first was like yours and my mental state - with hindsight - not much better than yours. Hours and hours of screaming. As soon as he rolled he slept on his tummy.

With ds2 I decided that the cot death risk was actually smaller than the risk that I would hurt him. So when he showed signs of being similar, I broke all the rules. He went to sleep on me in a sling every night. I had to dance quite vigorously, walk up and down a hill and even rock back to front extremely hard to get him to conk out. When I went to bed, I rolled up towels and he slept wedged between them on his side in his basket. He just wasn't comfy on his back at all. He also liked noise - radio 4 in our case.

MissStrawberry Tue 17-Sep-13 13:19:07

Oh just get rid. You deserve so much better.

Get your ring back so you can sell it to spend it on something frivolous.

Call his parents and tell them your marriage is over and can they please come and get him.

It is bloody hard work with kids but when you know it is all down to you you somehow cope so much better, you get into a routine that suits you (cornflakes and toast for dinner, bed at 8pm, a bath at 2pm as that is the time baby sleeps) and you are not relying on help that will never come.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 13:25:00

He just said he never does anything for himself because if he did I would tell him he's doing it wrong and make him feel like crap hmm I have never ever criticised him, ever.

His parents are working so I can't bother them with this at the moment.

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:25:23

Maybe you should ask marmalade. If he is not going to work and he says he is staying on your account. Then tell him he needn't bother and if he is staying there then maybe he should go pack his stuff and give you some breathing space.

He is treating you atrociously, especially with how you are feeling at the moment. You don't need him dragging you down even more.

It seems like he is mocking you with yeah whatever and eye rolling. His attitude is disgraceful. But you already know that.

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:27:10

That's funny cos he changed his hours to suit himself so therefore he has done something for him.

Tell him he is talking crap.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 13:30:53

He just left, too late to catch his lift so is probably doing a disappearing act again. I won't be drawn into it this time.

InfiniteJest Tue 17-Sep-13 13:31:06

You're not crazy and you're not bullying. His response is designed to make you feel that way.

He doesn't ask you to do things for him because he doesn't need to. His is a passive form of control. He controls you by responding to you a certain way. He makes you feel responsible for his happiness and wellbeing.

But who is responsible for your happiness and wellbeing? Who is looking out for you? Who nurtures you and makes you feel safe and loved? These things should be standard in a relationship.

You are doing well to confront him. It's great that you've put money aside too. The idea of actually going must feel overwhelming though. Don't let him convince you that you're being unreasonable. Don't convince yourself that it would be too hard to leave, or too hard to make him go.

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:33:45

I agree with everything infinite just said.

I am glad to see you won't be drawn into his games. You really don't need this.

CinnabarRed Tue 17-Sep-13 13:40:24

Are you the poster whose DP disappeared when she was heavily pregnant? And had done it before? I seem to recall that DP turned up a few days later, having put that OP through hell.

If that was you, I remember your thread.

Either way, you are a strong, capable, loving person, and will be a great mother.

Well done.
You have confronted him.
You have some money put away and contact with your family.
Sounds to me like you are formulating a plan to get away.
Let's hope he does disappear and leaves you alone for a while.
Sounds like you could do with it to be honest.
You've had some great advice and I have nothing to add.
Just wanted to say keep going and again - well done!

NoSquirrels Tue 17-Sep-13 13:53:22

I remember your previous thread.

I feel really sorry for you. You must concentrate on yourself and your baby now, and do what is best for both of you. Please don't believe what he is telling you - he is a grown adult and should be able to behave better than he is doing. You are not responsible for him or his emotions or actions, he is.

I am not surprised you have ended up with PND. Please take care of yourself. If you need to leave to get the support you need then you should do so.

(And yes, look into the cranial osteopathy too, has worked wonders for people I know.)

MissStrawberry Tue 17-Sep-13 13:58:37

Has he gone as in you have told him your marriage is over?

Other Posters Who Are Wiser Than Me - what does the OP need to do now in terms of protecting herself and her baby in terms of housing, money, etcetera?

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 17-Sep-13 14:00:51

You are doing incredibly well, Marmalade, while dealing with an absolute child.

Now that he's gone, can you sit down and work out what position you want to be in in 1-week, then 1-month, then 6-months time?

At the moment, you sound a bit like you're trying to solve all the questions all at once which is going to feel impossible. So it might be, 'In 1 week's time, I want to have spoken to a solicitor about separating' or 'I want to have told my friends what is happening.' or 'I want to have raised the issue of counselling with him.' Simple, achievable goals.

If on your 1-month plan you want to be rid of him, subdivide that into smaller chunks. (I want to have decided which town to settle in. I want to have contacted estate agents...) or if you want to have worked it out (I want him to have established more appropriate work patterns.)

It might not be helpful advice, but I get the feeling that now he's left, your brain will start running all over the place, so perhaps it will help to pin things down.

MrsOakenshield Tue 17-Sep-13 14:04:14

you are not crazy or bullying. Never, for half of one millisecond, think that. He is the bully here.

Can you look into train tickets to get up to family? Get a bag packed for you and baby, you won't need much to begin with.

You are being amazing and so strong for yourself and your baby, that must have taken real courage.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 14:06:27

Yes that was me Cinnabar.

He is back already, says he didn't want to go to work in case I took the baby while he was gone. I said what if I did? And he said 'you can't.' I asked how he would feel etc but I just got 'you can't' over and over. No emotion behind it.

A 1-week, 1-month plan is a good idea

You're doing so well, Marmalade. You have put your cards on the table. I don't think he will change but at least he knows how you feel and you aren't playing his stupid games.

Can you do two things? Contact either the CAB or a solicitor for some legal advice. Some solicitors will give you a free first meeting. Also, either ask MNHQ to move this to relationships or start a thread there for advice. There are incredible people who post there who know all about leaving, staying and living with this kind of shit.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 14:07:51

Sorry to post such boring minute by minute updates btw, it's more to make sense in my own head - much easier to see what a cunt he is written down

x-posted. He's a cold, manipulative shit.

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 14:13:44

He absolutely cannot stop you from doing anything you want. The bloody cheek of it is ridiculous. He hasn't been bothered otherwise.

Start packing your bags, he is fucking with your head on purpose.

Even my DH has read parts of this and I have had to pick his jaw up off the floor, he also finds it disgusting. And thinks you'll be better off away from him.

He cannot stop you leaving with your baby at all, and if he tried then you would have to call the police. This isn't right, he can't control you like this. He really is a piece of work.

Also he didn't bother going to work as he didn't want you to leave with baby. Again it's all about him, him, him.

What about you?

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 14:14:59

And marmalade you keep putting down on here what you need to. You are getting more support here, than he has ever given you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 17-Sep-13 14:16:55

Firstly your DH is an arse. I think everyone on here has that covered.

I had a colicky refluxy baby who screamed at 6pm every night so I know , and sympathise.

Right, it sounds like colic which is horrendous but it does pass. At the time it seems like time moves slowly and it won't ever get better. It really does.

The reflux, my DS is on ranitidine still as a toddler. Your gp should be increasing the dose with her weight, that's all it is. You can do it yourself if I tell you how to be honest. I'm disgusted that your GP won't do this, they'll have a letter from the Paed telling them what to do and how much she is on, you should have a copy. They should be managing it not refusing to help. I would complain to the practice about not following the consultants plan. Get back to the Paed too.

If ranitidine isn't working then the next step is omeprazole. To be honest it sounds like she needs her meds upped first. Get this done than leave this passive aggressive tosser of a partner you have. Staring at you? Working late on purpose? Wtf?

pomdereplay Tue 17-Sep-13 14:21:32

He's vile, and I completely second the posters who say that coping with the PND and difficult baby would be easier if you were properly on your own, rather than stuck with this self-absorbed, unempathetic shit.

I don't have much practical LTB advice. I just wanted to tell you, as mum to an 18-month old, that it truly does get better. I suffered with CRIPPLING severe PND and PTSD. A good day was one when I just wept about putting my DD up for adoption, rather than having visions of hurting her or threatening to chuck myself out of the window. It kills me to talk about that now, and I am so thankful I am out the other side of that dark place today.
I also had a refluxy, colicky, very hard-to-please child for at least the first six months. A sling was our lifesaver; keeping her close to me and upright really helped her moods, as did white noise when she was especially hard to settle. Anyway, it felt like a lifetime then, but once it got better it happened quickly. My DD is an absolute joy now, an exceptionally bright and secure child, and while she is definitely still high maintenance, it is manageable and more 'rational'. When I first left the hospital I thought I would never say I loved being a mum, but now I do. It's the absolute truth. I have absolute faith you will find your way through this undeniably utterly SHIT time and find a lot more happiness and peace.

Please PM if you want to talk. I am miles away sadly but I genuinely completely get what you are going through.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 17-Sep-13 14:26:17

Don't apologise, if it helps you in any way, just post whatever comes to mind.

A cranial osteopath (try to find one who specialises in babies) is well worth it... every penny.

I am very impressed that you see that you do need to leave x

Please don't wait to get your 'mental health' sorted, leaving will only help you with that and staying will only make it worse.

It is good that you are talking to your family again - but where are you very best friends based? Where is the best place to bring up your DD? Think carefully as going to live near your family again might not be the best for your mental health either.

Is there anything we can do to help?

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 17-Sep-13 14:59:46

I don't know if it helps, Marmalade, but I drove home absolutely furious on your behalf. How dare he sap your energy away from your child!

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 15:17:48

He is infuriating me right now. He is talking but just trying to invalidate everything I say. Ie I say you're not helping me he says 'I am' and I say I can't cope feeling like this and doing it alone and he says 'you can'. I don't know why I bother speaking to him at all.

An example of him helping me he just gave me was washing the bottles and changing nappies. That's not helping me is it, it's doing his share of baby chores. When he graces us with his prescence.

I said what I needed was emotional support because of my PND and some understanding and practical support when it gets too much for me and he said 'I do' ARGHHHHH.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 15:19:18

He's doing wounded puppy dog eyes like I'm having a go at him and I'm honestly not. I'm trying to express y feelings. I want to remove his puppy eyes with a spoon and show him them and say look how annoying these are you fucker.

MadBusLady Tue 17-Sep-13 15:23:25

Marmalade, honestly, I think you'd be better not talking to him. He's a master of this passive aggressive shite, he'll always be better at it than you because you're normal. You're never going to get someone like this to admit that they're in the wrong, or that they've hurt your feelings, or whatever. It doesn't sound like any of this means anything to him, other than being a fun game where he gets to make you cross.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Sep-13 15:23:26

Can I suggest that you get the baby into the buggy and go out and have a bit of a walk Marmalade? grin Leave his puppy dog eyes at home and have some fresh air and get away from them for a bit?

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 17-Sep-13 15:25:37

Yeah, it's raining but I think a walk is a good idea. Baby needs some fresh air away from this atmosphere anyway.

Thank you for listening

BishBashBoshBoo Tue 17-Sep-13 15:27:46

yy to getting out away from the shite.
Keep posting if it helps.

Tiredmumno1 Tue 17-Sep-13 15:33:10

Absolutely keep talking here.

But I think now is the time to stop taking his bullshit. Life's to short to be spent around this waste of space.

Sending you a big hug marmalade

vtechjazz Tue 17-Sep-13 18:12:01

On a purely practical note re the swaddling, I would watch YouTube videos on how to do this, and pretty much every other aspect of practical baby care!

ChasedByBees Tue 17-Sep-13 18:45:56

It doesn't sound like you can engage with him in any useful way. Interesting though that he can stay at home when it's his own interests at stake. I'd have more respect if he actually said, "right, I've screwed up" and totally took over the baby care to give you a break but instead he's focussing his efforts on invalidating everything about how you feel to try as pressure you into staying.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 17-Sep-13 19:09:20

Am so cross for you OP!

He sounds like he is a total emotional frigwit.

A crying baby is hard work, I remember it well, and once you are through it you can look back on it and think that it wasn't such a large part of your life, however, at the time it certainly feels that way.

Get away from your husband and give all your time and emotion to your baby, he doesn't deserve it.


Xenadog Tue 17-Sep-13 19:09:53

Go back to the doc and explain EVERYTHING including how your (D)H has chosen to work these hours which are unhelpful for you. You also need to speak to your husband about why he has changed his hours and make him understand that this is not an option for him at the moment. Someone said take him to the GP with you - I would do this but only after you have spoken to the GP by yourself so you have been able to speak freely.

I imagine he has changed his hours so he gets a break but I suggest that when he comes in he takes over looking after your DC and you take yourself off out - even if it's just to have a drive and sit in the car for a little nap!

He needs to feel some of what you are going through. What a prick he is!

God Marmalade, you are doing so so well, keeping it together, staying strong, not bowing down to his manipulative nonsense. The anger you are feeling is good, keep hold of it.

I don't know why I bother speaking to him at all

^^ this. Why are you bothering? He is not responding to you like an adult, or an equal, or even just a respectful human being. He's responding like an emotionally stunted (at best, cruel and unkind at worst) dickhead.

Flicktheswitch Tue 17-Sep-13 20:03:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flicktheswitch Tue 17-Sep-13 20:03:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAMindReader Tue 17-Sep-13 20:29:10

Don't engage him any further its just going to infuriate you more and you will lose vital energy beating your brains out against a brick wall. Don't ask him anything, don't respond to anything he says, don't even look at him. Go about your day as if he isn't there. You have told him all you need to.

If he runs away. Notify his parents and the police after 24 hours telling them they are to be kept informed with updates and once found he is to be delivered to them.

He's right in one respect you can cope, you can cope without the added millstone of a petulant adult child who sabotages everything you do and turns all situations into being about him and your fault.

Spend the time keeping yourself busy finding ways to leave. Do you want to stay in the area? Would you prefer to move back to your home area? Are there any friends or relatives you could stay with if you felt you had to go sooner than you would like? If the answer is no to the last one is no, in that kind of a situation call womens aid and ask them for help getting safe.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 20:38:09

I remember you, love

Your dickhead of a partner is still acting like a mindfucking piece of shit, then ?

Leave him, love. Stop trying to make him understand how bad you feel, he simply does not care

It's all a game to him. He views relationships as some someone winning and someone losing. He has you cast as The Loser. You could refuse to play along and leave.

NamelessMcNally Tue 17-Sep-13 21:20:28

Your H is irritating the tits off me and I'm on a different land mass. You need to leave, you know it and you are getting there. I think if you can disengage, eat properly, do small things for yourself, it will help your PND. I know when I had PND I didn't believe I deserved to feel good in any way. It's the illness.

On a practical note - if your GP is being only marginally less useless than your H how about presenting at A&E during the witching hours? I did it with DS and got sanity saving prescription formula.

StrokeOfBadLuck Tue 17-Sep-13 21:43:56

My DS screamed and screamed as a baby. Like yours, he was forceps, and over the years, I've noticed that this seems to be more common with forceps babies. I just wanted to remind you about the cranial osteopathy suggestions. I know so many people with similar babies have had success with this - sadly I only heard of this when DS had got over his screaming fits. (DS is 14 now, and I barely remember the nightmare evenings.)

How are you op? How was dd tonight? Any more settled?

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 18-Sep-13 03:55:25

DD went off to sleep about 7 after her bath tonight and has been a dream, she's woken up for a couple of feeds but mostly slept. I'm up washing bottles at the moment.

We took DD to the walk in centre (attached to the hospital) ages and ages ago after GPs wouldn't prescribe her anything and we were sent off to the paed ward and given ranitidine. I think maybe that's why we don't have a care plan or anything? We weren't really under paed care just sort of seen for that day. I might try that again rather than A&E.

I have completely given up speaking to DH. It is so frustrating trying to make myself heard and getting a blank wall. I am just going to co-exist with him until I can get out of here.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 18-Sep-13 08:27:01

I am just going to co-exist with him until I can get out of here.

I think this is a very wise decision. But I'd caution against this being the decision and you settling into a routine.

You've got a lot on, and you've got a lot that you have to make happen. Small chunks at a time, and remember what a fantastic resource you have here at Mumsnet, where there are brilliant people who can help you with each step.

Do you know when you would like to move out? And where you would like to settle (in the town you're in, or in your hometown?)

Try not to start right out with 'I could never afford to move out!' before you've made proper enquiries and research. You don't want to start putting stumbling blocks in the way for yourself. So, for example say; 'I want to be out by the end of Sept. Now, how best to make that happen?'

Again, I apologise if this is all rubbish - I'm not even slightly an expert on this. I'm just looking at it from an outsider's persecutive.

Well I hope you got some sleep.
Remember - co-existing means you do nothing for him at all.
No cooking dinners or lunches, no washing or washing up or cleaning up after him.
He needs to understand that this is the situation as well.
I hope it works out OK in the short term and just remember your long term goal and work towards getting out as soon as you can.
Keep going - so glad you had a good evening with your DD.
Maybe you have now relaxed a bit a so has she?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Wed 18-Sep-13 09:34:45

What do you need to do to get out?

Tiredmumno1 Wed 18-Sep-13 09:37:51

Morning marmalade smile

I am so glad you have decided not to bother with him anymore. I agree that you shouldn't do anything for him at all either, he can't have it both ways.

Stay strong, you can get through this. Just ignore any daft puppy dog eyes.

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 18-Sep-13 11:21:43

I don't know what I need to leave.

I have a bit of money, enough to make the initial move but afte that I don't know. I will have to look at benefits for a few months cos I don't want the baby in nursery at this age (prepared to be flamed). I also need to make a decision as to where I am going to go.

It's easy enough to research all this stuff and make plans but making the move to physically walking out the door is so scary. And if I can't cope while he is at work how will I ever cope with no respite at all, when he is never ever here. I know people do but I don't think I'm one of them. Im not wavering but just jittery about it all.

He is acting as though nothing has happened as everything is normal but I am not engaging with him.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 18-Sep-13 11:32:44

I don't know what I need to leave.

That's OK. You haven't had long to think about it, but there are loads of people here who can help you. Do you have a specific, first question in mind that you're wondering? I'm willing to bet that someone here will know the answer.

physically walking out the door is so scary.

I can't lie; I haven't gone through this but I'm absolutely sure that leaving is terrifying. It's absolutely OK to feel scared of it. But there are resources to help you here too, and people who know exactly what it feels like. And the better prepared and aware that you are, the easier it will be.

You sound as though you're doing really, really well, even if you don't feel like it. You've already established a fund (is that in a safe bank account?). You've already thought ahead to benefits. You've already made a decision about childcare (and the fact that not everybody will make the same choice is irrelevant - she's your child and you've made your choice.)

Even with all of this stuff going on, you're able to pin down the practicalities, and that is amazing! Well done!

And if I can't cope while he is at work how will I ever cope with no respite at all

At the moment you're dealing with a very difficult situation which is being made worse by this man who is sucking all the energy from you. The thing is, it's up to you to decide which is going to be better for you long term - the current situation, of working out ways to make it on your own.

Again, I apologise if some of this advice is off. I'm not an expert. It's just that I feel very, very bad for you.

NoSquirrels Wed 18-Sep-13 11:32:53

No one will flame you for not working. Your baby is tiny and needs you. She needs stability and also healthy, happy parent(s). That is why the benefit situation exists. Your partner will need to pay child support too, don't forget.

Make your plans, and look at everything logically, work out what/where/when is best for you and your DD. Researching and making plans is the crucial first step, don't worry about taking your time to do this. The more prepared you feel, the easier it will be to feel in control when you do actually walk out.

Will your family help at all? (Did they approve/not approve of your partner, how are they likely to react to you leaving, what will they be like at practical support?) If not, is it better to be closer to supportive friends, or in an area you already feel more comfortable in - somewhere you've lived before after leaving home/uni/etc.?

What money do you have in your name - tax credits/child benefit etc.?

About coping on your own, I think you will be surprised how well you do. You will be in control, you see - you won't have that seething resentment that he SHOULD be helping you but ISN'T. You can also ask for practical support via Homestart etc., especially as you've been suffering with PND. And babies do get less relentless (or at least relentless in a different way!) as they get older.

BishBashBoshBoo Wed 18-Sep-13 14:26:07

How will I cope with no respite?

I think you need to move as close as you can to friends and family who will hopefully support you and help you out.

I'm afraid I have no experience of practical side of moving out but I do think you've made the right decision.

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 18-Sep-13 16:12:16

I have no idea where to start tbh confused

Tax credits and child benefit are in my name but paid into DHs bank account, half the tax credits are working tax so they will stop won't they?

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 18-Sep-13 16:19:19

Look on the entitled to website, that should help you get an idea of what you can expect.
Gather together all your and your childs important documents. ID birth certificates, passports, marriage certificates, driving licenses, bank statements, proof of tax credits and child benefit awards.
Take photocopies of your DHs bank statements as proof of his income.

If you don't have a bank account yourself get one asap. If you do have child tax credits and family allowance transferred into there leave the working tax credit in his.
Contact Shelter, the local council, womens aid with regards to help with being rehoused. Contact Wirral Advocacy with help on any aspect.

Contact your HV if needed.

Ledkr Wed 18-Sep-13 16:57:59

Well done though for deciding enough is enough.
It's a hard decision but will give you and you baby such a happier life.
Knowledge is power. Your local sure start centre should have a benefits advisor and they are brilliant they know everything and once you know what you can get its such a relief.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 18-Sep-13 17:11:38

Do you have your own bank account? A first step might be getting all the paperwork relating to that together, and keeping it in one place. Make sure you have the phone number and account numbers listed somewhere sensible.

StraightJacket Wed 18-Sep-13 17:17:57

Just wanted to offer you a hug, and tell you that although it is daunting, it will get easier.

Wishing you lots of luck thanks

Patosshades Wed 18-Sep-13 17:30:10

Offering you my support Marmalade, nothing as soul destroying as the silent puppy dog eyes.

One step at a time and you both will be free of his shit.

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 18-Sep-13 17:39:42

I have a bank account, hasn't been used in years cos we've just been using DHs (shouldn't call him that now should I?) what with him being an ex gambler I have control of all finances so was easier to just use one acct. Will have to dig out the paperwork and get child benefit moved into my account. This is one thing that's worrying me, when he has his finances back he will make himself homeless through gambling I'm sure of it. I shouldn't care but can't see me getting any maintenance from him or him having a stable home for DD to visit.

From that benefit calculator I will be not much worse off on benefits than we are on Hs wage. That's good to know, and thankyou for the link.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 18-Sep-13 19:12:59

I suspect that if you want to call him DH, you should go ahead and do so.

It really does sound as though you've got two minors to deal with - one who needs your attention because she's tiny and you're her mum, and one who should perhaps have started taking care of himself at some point so that you don't have to.

I don't know what to suggest with regards his finances. I'm afraid that it's another area where I know nothing. However, it doesn't sound healthy that you're manage it for him, rather than him learning to manage for himself. Does he go to any support groups for his gambling? Is he attempting to get a handle on the addiction for himself? Or is he totally relying on you to keep him safe from it?

As for a stable place to see DD, it's a problem that's at arm's length at the moment. You live close to his parents if I remember right? (I might have been reading a different thread, in which case sorry!) If so, that would be a stable place where she could visit.

I really hope you're doing OK.

How are doing today marmalade?
Hope you had another good evening?
Let us know how you're getting on.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 12:50:20

Baby was awful last night, I think she must pick up on my stress cos she's at her worst when I'm alone.

Wrt his gambling, I set him up with support groups and councelling and a sponser and he didnt bother with any of it after a while and I got sick of doing it for him. So taking control of the money and letting him get on with it was the easiest thing. He needs to seek help himself I think or his heart will never be in it.

The thing I'm wondering about maintenance is they will calculate it from his wage won't they? Does it count towards my income for tax credits or income support does anyone know? Because I am concerned that maybe I will get less benefits because I am owed x-amount by DH but it will never materialise because it will be gambled. So wondering if it's best to not ask for maintenance at all. Something I need to ask the CAB or jobcentre I think.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 12:57:22

Child maintenance isn't counted in tax credits or income support calculations.

Somethingtothinkabout Thu 19-Sep-13 13:16:24

I thought that if you went through the CSA then it was paid to you from his wages as soon as he is paid? Is that right? So he wouldn't have a chance to gamble it away, he can just gamble what's left and starve if he's that stupid.

If you came to an agreement between you without CSA then it might not materialise, so it probably wouldn't be the way to go.

Keep going Marmalade you're doing great.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 13:21:56

You can get a deduction of earnings order but only after repeated failure to pay. It took from march to December of my x failing before I got money but it took the arrears into account.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 17:25:15

Thank you for that info

Hmm... he has changed his hours back and has just offered to take time off to give me a chance to get away hmm I wouldn't leave the baby alone with him I think he's scared of me taking her and I'm worried that this is a plan to take her first? Or am I majorly cynical and he's trying to make amends? What do you think? He seems to have genuinely listened to my argument today and isn't smart enough to formulate such a plan but still... I don't know.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 17:55:19

"I promise that whenever you need something I will do it, cook for you, let you take naps"

He's texting me he's at work.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 18:01:13

You are falling for the sweet talk again then. Deja vu. < deep sigh >

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 18:05:00

I'm not falling for anything just trying to make sense of what he's doing now.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:15:51

You know what? You have your plan. Your own plan, the one where you've decided what you want to happen to you in the next week and month, and there's no reason for you to either share that with him, or stop working on it.

In the meantime, see how bearable he can make life when he really has to.

I think AnyFucker is wise, (and as I keep saying, I know sweet FA really), and I think you need to be vigilant and aware.

I DON'T think you should tell him what you want. You'll end up managing him yet again, and if he doesn't do something, it will be because you didn't ask and your fault yet again.

If anything - if you're desperate to reply to him, keep it generic. 'I need you to grow up and start being responsible.' It's like you said with the gambling - he has to commit to that, or it won't happen.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:17:22

In fact, I think that's precisely what he's doing - 'you tell me what to do. Once again, take care of this problem for me.'

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 18:26:00

In fact, I think that's precisely what he's doing - 'you tell me what to do. Once again, take care of this problem for me.'

Yes I think you're right there. I haven't replied to him because I don't want him to think I am playing along. I will take his change of hours and anything else he wants to do of his own volition to make my life easier while I'm still here but I'm not going to ask for anything.

Ledkr Thu 19-Sep-13 18:34:06

To be fair though, most if us have listened to their spiel a few times before we made the break, I know I have.
If like to think I never would again but who knows.
It often has to get to rock bottom a few times to make us leave!
Op has some hard decisions to make for sure but like many before will do it in her own time.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 18:35:32

Keep with your plan.

My h and I are currently separating (he's nice though, we just don't work) and when it became apparent I was going to discuss ending the relationship he started doing things like this. My feeling was that the relationship is over if he cannot do these things when what's at stake is my happiness/needs but can do them when he is threatened with losing his wife because that is not love, it is ownership.

MissStrawberry Thu 19-Sep-13 18:41:30

I would leave. It doesn't have to be forever if he actually grows up and starts being a decent human being, father and husband. If he doesn't then you haven't wasted any more time waiting for him to sort himself out.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 18:42:00

Ledkr, am not criticising. I have done it myself. Which is why I recognise it when I see it.

LookingThroughTheFog Thu 19-Sep-13 18:52:14

Oh, and as for 'will he take the baby?' I really, really doubt that. Hell, he can't even be in the same house with her when she's screaming. Would he really want her by himself?

Plus, having sole responsibility for her will mean he has no choice but to grow the fuck up already. Which seems to be the thing he doesn't want to do.

Ledkr Thu 19-Sep-13 19:38:48

No I know you weren't AF I just imagined myself with a 13 week reflux baby and wondered if I might grasp at anything he said.
Just a bit of balance, unusual for me though!

NoSquirrels Thu 19-Sep-13 20:55:58

It's good he has changed his hours.

It's not good he is making you "ask" for what you need, for things that should be clear. However, my DH (who is lovely, on the whole) can be a bit like this: if you tell me what to do I will do it; what do I need to do now? etc. I counter it with a stern look and sometimes a sarky comment about being an adult with his own brain. But he genuinely doesn't mean to be annoying, even though it is bloody annoying.

I don't know if your bloke is simply thoughtless/clueless or manipulative, but he certainly hasn't sounded much like a keeper on what you have posted. It's actions that count, so you will have to watch and wait and see if he follows through. But you have your eyes open to it, so that's a great thing.

You also need to consider that if you came through this bad episode, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who appears emotionless/lacking empathy, someone who you struggle to disagree with on even pretty fundamental issues without feeling undermined and unreasonable. I would probably think that you need counselling to sort that sort of issue out - would he do that to keep you? Doesn't sound likely to me, given what you have said about his unwillingness to face the gambling.

I would keep planning, if I were you. Change the CB and tax credits to your own bank account (it's great you're in charge of the finances, btw); think hard about where you might move to, and confide in other people IRL that you are having difficulties with your partner.

And get the cranial osteopathy for the baby!

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 21:24:38

Baby is booked in for cranial osteopathy, I gave that job to DH and he did it. He is good with the baby when he is here and does do things when asked, to be fair.

I think we are past councelling tbh. When he walked out when I was pregnant it changed everything for me and since then I have been waiting to see how things go while at the same time getting myself in a position where I could leave if that's what I eventually decided to do, so I don't really have much patience now because our relationship was already on it's way out iyswim?

Whatever is going on with him, whether he is manipulative or just stupid/selfish, it's exhausting and I'm done, and I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 21:29:14

Yes you do. And he can still be a good dad when he is not in a romantic relationship with you

CrazyOldCatLady Thu 19-Sep-13 21:47:27

I'm sorry, I can't offer advice about your relationship. But do you have a consistent bedtime routine for DD? She sounds like my DS, who was terrible at evenings till we worked out that he desperately needed to be changed, fed and asleep before 7 or all hell would break loose for hours. Even now, at 19 months, he still goes to bed at 6 some evenings because he just can't cope.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:13

I am doing terribly with the whole routine thing, to be honest I just let her nap whenever she wants and she feeds whenever she wants. She takes loads of small feeds all day. I have a vague bedtime routine where I put her in the bath at about 6 but on coming out she will either be wide awake and cluster feed all evening or she will scream for hours until she wears herself out. I read about babies having a bath and a cuddle and a feed and going off to sleep for the night and would like to know where to get one of those babies? Because I think mine is faulty.

KatOD Thu 19-Sep-13 22:15:23

Mine was faulty too for quite a while, but it does get better... Honest!

Inertia Thu 19-Sep-13 22:49:23

It's bloody hard work going through that stage with a baby, even with a supportive partner . Coping with a refluxy baby and a shitty husband must be exhausting.

Can't offer much help with the rubbish husband, though it seems like you're getting some sensible plans in place . However, my DD1 was a lot like your DD, except it was almost impossible to get her nap in the day. The evening screaming session was soul-destroying, me and DH used to compete to make dinner because then we escaped the crying.

What helped was a) DD gradually getting older and the colicky behaviour ending (even though it feels it will last forever, it does end) and b) developing a routine that suits you. It might help you a little bit to feel that there is an element of order to the day, rather than a sense of watching the hours tick by until you get some respite (it helped me anyway).

You might find that it helps to gradually try to introduce a routine- not a rigid, by the clock routine, but maybe start with a loose plan for naps, with a feed as soon as she wakes up . Cluster feeding is normal in the evening so don't worry too much- do you do the evening feed in the room where DD sleeps, with the lights down a bit? It took me ages to realise that sometimes DD would cry because she was tired and I was trying to make sure she had stopped crying before I put her to bed- catch 22. And it took me far too long to realise that the caffeine keeping me going was also keeping her awake as I was BF.

Obviously as your DD has an underlying medical issue around the reflux it isn't as simple as just saying that a routine will fix it (and tbh that applies to all babies- they can't read so they don't follow the instructions). But it might help you get to the end of each day a little more easily until this really difficult stage passes.

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 20-Sep-13 08:00:58

I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

I'm so, so pleased to hear you say this. Well done you!

Don't beat yourself up about the routine thing. Yes, it's nice when they do, but not all of them do.

NoSquirrels Fri 20-Sep-13 11:05:41

I thought I didn't deserve any better than this but I probably do.

You definitely do.

(My babies were faulty too! But the time will come when your DD goes to sleep after a bath and a feed, I promise - you may just need to wait a while longer! I also had the people who said "it gets better after 6 weeks/12 weeks/14 weeks" and it took aaaages for PFB to get there.)

Your dh sounds like my ex, I listened to his rubbish put up with it and eventually made a plan to get out.

Honestly it's better being on your own cause you don't have the extra constant stress of useless behaviuor.

As for trying to get a 13 week old baby into a routine I wouldn't stress, mine was colicky in the evening and you just have to resign yourself to rocking all evening, we did leg pumping which seemed to work but ds may have had something different to your little one.

mistlethrush Mon 23-Sep-13 14:32:34

Just seen your new thread. Locking you in and taking away your key is certainly abusive. How are your plans going?

MisselthwaiteManor Mon 23-Sep-13 16:23:42

My plans are going OK, I've decided to stay in this house and remove DH, because I've done nothing wrong. Our tenancy is up this month so have been talking to the landlady about renewing it in just my name. How to physically get him to leave is another matter. He will probably go and stay with his parents which will be a good place for him to have contact with the baby.

He is being incredibly weird, is cooking for me and running me baths and things, seems nice but gets very very stroppy when it isn't met with applause and trumpets. He's acting very desperate and I think realises it's over and is panicking but doesn't want to say so and relinquish emotional control.

mistlethrush Mon 23-Sep-13 18:49:58

I think that him locking you in the house gives you a very good reason to get him out.

Glad that the plans are going well.

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