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engaged..but found my dp has been messaging a woman on fb for months

(155 Posts)
holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:37:24

Im so hurt but dont know if im overreacting. I had a hunch unexplainably about this woman. I made dp give me his phone after a row and he had text her the last time that morning to tell her he had a hard on. Im dying inside. He says he never meant any of it.
We were happy I thought
He started it with her. I got all the messages back 3 months. Most are pretty mundane but he has been sexual in some and they have both said they had naughty thoughts. He ends his texts " love you lots lovely **"

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:38:58

I have been ill with depression for a while but never withheld sexually.
He says he was low and needed an ego boost. He is begging for forgiveness.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:40:20

He would never had shown me unless I had forced him would he? He says he feels relieved its over.
Sorry just garbling.

Fragglewump Mon 16-Sep-13 14:41:42

Omg you have had a lucky escape! Leave him...before you end up married to a tosspot who thinks emotional affairs are fine! This is your chance to find real happiness- don't ignore this or let him persuade you it's nothing. Being married and raising a family is tough enough but almost impossible if your partners thoughts are elsewhere! Run away run away!

Discoverymade Mon 16-Sep-13 14:42:17

Hi. I know how you feel. I made an interesting discovery about my OH a few days ago too (a whole different thread). You know what to do. You had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and your gut will now tell you what to do. And please don't ignore it.
Ask yourself if you can ever trust him again even if he promises this would never happen again.

Hawkmoth Mon 16-Sep-13 14:42:34

So sorry OP. Do you think anything else has gone on? Do you feel he's told you everything?

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:43:54

How could he does this. The last message was saturday he says its not sexually a come on telling her he had a hard on when he woke up. I think it was because what response was he expecting from her?

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:45:42

I have asked for all the messages and asked for complete truth. He did this but I could see he had obviously doctored them. He admitted doing this. I messsged her and she said sorry and that they hadnt met up.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 16-Sep-13 14:46:01

Of course it is.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:46:28

I will never trust him again no. I feel he has done this before.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:47:54

It kills me reading the messages but I cant stop.

Discoverymade Mon 16-Sep-13 14:48:44

I don't know why anyone could do this. Best thing to do now is to think what you want to do next. You will never know why he did it and frankly...who cares. I know you are probably in shock now but believe me, it really is a lucky escape. You're not married yet and there is nothing stopping you from looking for your happiness elsewhere, with someone who deserves you.

Sparkleandshine Mon 16-Sep-13 14:48:59

I would stop reading them - and run like the wind....

He's a cheater and you don't want to be tied to him....

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 16-Sep-13 14:49:27

Even if nothing physical happened, its still cheating and this is what we would call an emotional affair although it has sexual elements. He has put time and energy into another woman outside the relationship.

As for blaming yourself, remember that he chose to do these things instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:51:44

I feel hes begging me to stay because he is scared of the truth coming out. His image will be tarnished. He has killed me and I was just getting back on track and returning to work after major depression.

whitsernam Mon 16-Sep-13 14:53:00

What Sparkleandshine said ^^
and sad but be sooo sooo glad you got out now! This could have gotten so much worse - just read some of the other threads here!
brew and thanks for you

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:53:56

My kids and his will be devastated

alarkaspree Mon 16-Sep-13 14:54:04

You're not overreacting. Do NOT let him tell you you're overreacting. Trust yourself and your instincts, not his minimising nonsense - 'Not sexually a come on' is ridiculous and you know it, it doesn't matter if he admits it or not.

I wouldn't marry him.

I'm really sorry. You must be devastated. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do for yourself, if your fiance is upset it's not your problem.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:56:20

Yesterday he went on fb and put a status declaring to the world that he was sorry to everyone he had ever hurt or insulted. But he wont let me tell anyone. He got all these replies saying oh what a great guy you are. Noone knows what hes done. Ive deactivated my fb as it makes me sick.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 14:59:03

Some of the lines he used with her are things he had said to me "I had a really sexy dream about you last night"

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:02:47

He just lies all the time. He says he never meant any of it. So why say it? Why fish around for sexual comments from her?

Sparkleandshine Mon 16-Sep-13 15:09:41

You need time and space to sort this out in your head. I would be asking him to move out for a few weeks (or you depending on circumstances).

You also need to tell a trusted friend. Discuss this with someone IRL.

He has at minimum been having an EA with this woman, and maybe they've met. You are never going to know for sure.... so get yourself some STD tests as well just in case.

Miniph Mon 16-Sep-13 15:11:10

Tell people, tell who ever you want to so you can get some rl support. It's not up to him.

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 15:15:33

^ But he wont let me tell anyone^

Shout from the fucking rooftops! How dare he bully you into keeping his sad little secret.

He posted that comment for the "compliments" - obviously he needs the ego boost hmm Its a way of him trying to justify how much of a great guy he is usually, only a slip up love I just needed my ego and dick stroking.

Livid on your behalf.

Dahlen Mon 16-Sep-13 15:17:13

holsten - I'm sorry, you must be reeling. sad What a horrible betrayal of trust.

The FB message about hurting people is horribly manipulative, as is not allowing you to talk to people. He lies and he has cheated. As for saying sending a text about his erection wasn't sexual, words fail me.

If it's like this now, before you're married and at a time when you're vulnerable, you really need to reconsider your future. Living with a man who you are afraid is going to run off with another woman every time you get a bit low is only going to make your MH even worse.

What situation are you in? Do you live together? Do you have DC? Do you have family who can support you?

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:21:10

I have no support . Im a lone parent. We dont live together although he stays here a lot to save himself money and responsibility. My family are miles away and not that great. I do have friends.
My kids are 19 at uni and 6 with me.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:21:33

We work in the same office :-(

ageofgrandillusion Mon 16-Sep-13 15:23:30

Massively lucky escape love. Might not seem that way now but you will see it one day.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 15:23:45

Yes his fb status got loads of compliments mainly from women. Hes killed me. I keep texting him asking for explanations :-( He just says he didnt mean any of it

ashleysilver Mon 16-Sep-13 15:27:10

Good idea to deactive your fb. Take care of yourself thanks

"He won't let me tell anyone." You are an adult, he does not own you. If you want to tell someone, you can.

PrincessKitKat Mon 16-Sep-13 15:28:00

Yuck.

Thank goodness you followed your instincts & found out before you're tied to this tosspot.

I would listen to your instincts again about where to go from here. Gross, personal texts to another woman a massive deal - how will a marriage work with all the pressures of life over the years, if he gets twitchy while engaged?!

As an absolute minimum the engagement would be off for me. Let him explain that on FB.

Dahlen Mon 16-Sep-13 15:28:40

First things first, you need to look after yourself. Your MH is important and you need to prioritise that above everything.

Tell your fiance (by text if it's easier) that you're not necessarily breaking it off but that you need space and time to deal with this. If he loves you he will respect that and leave you in peace. Meanwhile, you are aware you will see each other at work and hope you can achieve a polite professional relationship.

If his remorse is genuine, he will do this. If he tries to pressure you in any way, that should tell you something.

If you think you need ADs or counselling, get to the DR and arrange it. See as much of your friends and rant away about him, post on MN, basically weep and rage and get it out of your system. RL support will be what gets you through this, and that is what friends are for.

If you already a lone parent and you're not living together, then you'll know you can cope without him both financially and practically. The emotional hurt will take time to heal, but it will.

No one can tell you what to do. If it were me, I wouldn't give a second chance for something like this, but I am not you. If you decide to make a go of it, you need this time apart in order to make it clear to him what he risks losing if he ever behaves like that again.

flowers

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 15:30:52

Oh my love, its so shit when people turn out not to be the people you expected.

He doesn't feel he owes you an explanation, he is much too important for that. He will minimise, follow the script and hope it will all blow over so he can continue on his merry way.

We don't live together although he stays here a lot to save himself money and responsibility

Keep your head held high, you had a lucky escape from a cheating cocklodger.

Don't keep texting him, don't lower yourself. If you need to say anything tell him as he cant be bothered to admit he is a selfish, entitled egomaniac then you cant be arsed to prop him up emotionally so kindly do one.

Just leave him. HE is obviously not that into you if he is telling other women about his hard ons <shudder>

and tell everyone. He can't tell you what to do.

coffeewineandchocolate Mon 16-Sep-13 15:38:34

Stop texting him
End it
If anyone asks tell them the truth
Get on with your life and be thankful of the lucky escape

perfectstorm Mon 16-Sep-13 15:43:19

If you saw messages like that and he's doctored what he let you see, then I would be very suspicious of the whole story, to be honest. What could be so much worse than telling another woman she's given him an erection?

OneLittleToddleTerror Mon 16-Sep-13 15:47:13

Talk to your friends. Tell them. Talk to your 19yo, assuming he also knows him and might even be his fb friend. Talk to you GP or HCP so you can get the support for your depression. You need space and support to get through this. It is going to be hard if you work in the same office. Take care of yourself.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:52:12

Think of this as a blessing in disguise. This has happened now because its saving you from the heartache of marrying this man. He doesn't have respect, love, loyalty to you. These are some of the foundations of a relationship which you don't have. As hard as it is, you need to move on with your life. You deserve better. thanks

Wellwobbly Mon 16-Sep-13 15:53:06

He says he feels relieved its over. - yeah, I got told that too. didn't stopping him getting back in touch as soon as things got hard again...

You know OP, things are sent to us for a reason. Is this a message that you must stand on your own two feet, and you can't find happiness through someone else?

Why are you depressed, do you know? All the best OP.

Twinklestein Mon 16-Sep-13 16:12:02

What a lucky escape that you found out this man is a liar & cheat before you married him! Nor am I impressed that he stays with you to save him 'money & responsibility'.

Go to your GP & get some mental health support to help you deal with the fall out.

Don't ask for any more explanations, the explanation is that he's not good enough. And tell who the bloody hell you like.

rainbowfeet Mon 16-Sep-13 16:17:39

The love you lots lovely would upset me more than the sexual stuff... hmm

sisterofmercy Mon 16-Sep-13 17:07:29

You are already semi-independent because you don't officially live together. This is a good thing.

Talk to anyone you want to. He doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Perhaps you could tell him you are taking a break. It could be permanent but you don't have to decide right now. You just need some space.

You might need to tell your line manager if you trust them. If the relationship ends for good you may find that one of you leaves to do a different job. It's just the way of things so keep an eye out just in case something suitable turns up.

Definitely see the doctor and tell her you have had a shock and your relationship is up the creek. Ask for help coping with the enormous stress and pain.

You sound like someone who manages to survive despite all the odds. You have beaten depression at least once. You have brought up two lovely children on your own and the eldest in at University. You can get through this.

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 17:15:02

Bollocks to not telling anyone. If he doesn't want people to think he's a liar and a cheat he shouldn't lie and cheat. You need support, tell as many people as you like.

Also perfectstorm is right about the doctoring. Very likely the deleted texts are referring to meet-ups, I can't see what else they can be.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 17:16:02

The love you lots lovely def upsets me more

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 17:19:37

And yes, stop texting him. It will make you feel worse, and he doesn't have an explanation better than "I'm a lying, cheating knob". Above all don't let him tell you it's in any way your fault that he is sending other women texts about his hard-on.

Have you got a friend or family member who could come over and sit with you? This is the worst bit, you need emotional help and brew.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:22:54

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You will never be able to trust him. He is a cheater. He has no respect for you. You will be so much happier without him. Eventually. But first you have to get through this really difficult time.

Tell him you need a break. Do not take his calls or allow him into your home. At work you might need to speak to someone senior to let them know the situation. Do you work closely together or could you be separated for a bit?

Your kids will be more upset if you marry him, then a few years down the line it all goes wrong because he's done it again. You'll either be stuck in a miserable marriage (which they will know, and feel) or you'll be splitting up, after they have got used to him being their stepdad.

Don't for gods sake marry him. You will regret it BIG time. You will oook back and think "why didn't I end it when i had the chance?"

NOW is your chance. You can't ignore this MASSIVE red flag - he is NOT the man for you or your kids.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 16-Sep-13 17:57:57

What an arse.
Imho, it is who he is. He will not change . If you stay with him (under any guise of apology, remorse, etc which are just more lieing lip service) then that tells him you will tolerate it. Not putting up with it will mean ending the relationship. Sorry.

It is better to end it so you will have a clear field, so to speak, to recover. I feel that any connection with him will continuously feel like a stab in the heart for you. You will need to manage your emotional disconnection from him quickly and effectively to be able to get through your workday.

Also, I believe you know all you need to know. Reading all the communications and picking apart the relationship is just being cruel to yourself. You really do not need to know the details. It is all just more shit you will have to process and recover from, therefore:you do not want to know. That will also give you some dignity, self esteem, and begin creating the emotional boundary you need to detach. Kick him to the curb with the trash, bleach your place, and consign it all to history.

Good luck and brew.

Hissy Mon 16-Sep-13 18:41:32

How long have you been with him, and how long were you depressed?
Sometimes our bodies give us conditions when we're ignoring instincts.

You'll be fine, you really will!

Gingerandcocoa Mon 16-Sep-13 18:48:37

Please make sure this man never makes it to being your husband.

He will not change - you're much better off leaving him now and finding someone who deserves you.

mumtopremie Mon 16-Sep-13 18:50:19

Hi, I caught my dh doing this a couple of years ago. Apologies followed etc etc. this year he started it again and actually had a full blown physical affair from it. It is a small step to turn it from emotional to physical.

Although it is heartbreaking, I think as you are not yet married or have children you should break free from him now. In my experience they will be tempted to do it again.

jojoanna Mon 16-Sep-13 18:56:31

Do not marry him. You would never be able to trust him. How hurtful to say love you lots lovely let alone that he has a hard on!

How do you know nothing physical happened?

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 19:14:30

Sorry thx for all the messages been seeing to the kids. I asked the woman to stop messaging him on the day I found out and she said it was just flirting by fb messages.
He has just text me to say he will die without me and that his blood sugar levels are 25 he is diabetic. I know this is just a guilt trip. I looked after him night and day when he was in hospital recently and he was messaging her then I have the messages. I hate him right now and ive not replied to his texts.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 19:16:17

I want to humiliate him as he has me. Want to tell everyone on fb following his crappy status about being a let down in his life.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 19:17:20

Im meeting his parents tomorrow for lunch. Not with him. Shall I tell them.

TSSDNCOP Mon 16-Sep-13 19:23:41

Bollocks you can't just have a count of 25 because you've been caught out.

Seriously OP this dude is a wanker. Don't bother talking to anyone unless its a solicitor and bin him.

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 19:48:24

Just checked his fb and hes asking for the sympathy vote as he has no money (because I feed and look after him usually) hes turning into a total shit

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 19:54:56

You want to keep hold of this useless fucker ?

Why ? confused

MadBusLady Mon 16-Sep-13 19:55:38

Wow, a cocklodger as well? You have had one lucky escape here!

Yes, I think I would tell his parents, if you like them and want to explain why the relationship is over. Why should he be able to spin whatever bullshit tale he likes?

Not sure about FB, it depends whether you can cope with the storm of messages that will follow (mostly supportive, I should think, but there's always a wanker or two in the pile). But definitely tell any family and friends you want to, including any mutual ones. This is about you now and what's best for your peace of mind, not him.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 19:59:48

Stay off the FB. No good will come of it. Don't lower yourself to his level. Keep your dignity. The people that care about you won't be swayed by his ridiculous sob story.

If he threatens suicide, lets his blood sugars go off the scale...call the police on him. They will give him very short shrift for wasting the emergency services time. He's an attention seeking prick.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-Sep-13 20:14:38

I had a problem with depression when I was living with my ex husband. The moment he left the depression lifted. Miracle cure eh? I really think that the depression was my body and my mind telling me that everything was wrong. Once you get past this shock, I think you'll find that your depression has gone too.

Forgetting the emotional affair for a moment, this man really doesn't sound like a catch at all. He sounds like an adolescent on Facebook all the time. I would be very tempted to post just one thing where you laugh out loud at what he says about being depressed and unhappy.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 20:18:08

Yes tell his parents you are not with him at the moment and tell them why.

CressidaMontgomery Mon 16-Sep-13 20:18:41

Why on earth do you want this man? Ugh ugh at him emotionally vomiting his life over fb. You actually want a skint, cheating , cock lodger? If so - keep texting him.

If not - leave immediately

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 21:27:22

Im going to tell his parents the bare bones of it tomorrow. Im just not one to hide stuff. It makes me anxious and I could do without it.
He is such a stupid baby.

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 21:33:59

Are you going to carry on mothering him ?

holstenlips Mon 16-Sep-13 21:51:03

No AF. I hate his guts. :'(

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 21:52:21

Good.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 16-Sep-13 23:20:31

Glad to hear your anger, holstenlips.

Skip the divorce. (And that may be a good response to anyone who asks.)

Suicide threat? Tell him to do it outside and to not make too much of a mess. (I also agree with calling emergency services on him if he says it again.)

I hope you and your Dd can have a delicious pizza and watch a funny movie together very soon.

holstenlips Tue 17-Sep-13 00:07:13

I am so hurt. I cant understand how a man who said to me on the same day that he loved me completely was messaging someone else the same and about his cock.It kills me. I will never trust again.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 17-Sep-13 00:40:33

Please understand his behavior is not an assessment of you, or even an assessment of his opinion of you (I doubt he has one). He is a liar and you have been used. His sole focus is on himself and he uses words to manipulate women ...for sex, or dinner, or housing, or childcare, etc.

He is a con artist. You were victimized. Yes that does hurt...but I hope you can organize your thoughts and feelings into dealing with him as just an administrative chore akin to scraping shit off the bottom of your shoe.

Consider protecting your accounts against identity theft and as previously mentioned a STD check is probably indicated. I would not believe anything he has ever told you, especially the claim that it never got physical with her, or the one before her, or the one before her etc etc etc.

Sorry you are going through this.

holstenlips Tue 17-Sep-13 01:14:10

Until I saw those messages on Saturday we were madly in love. We had just had a great lunch with my family. He eye rolled at me a couple of times as I looked over his shoulder at his phone. Then that was it.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 17-Sep-13 02:48:39

He doesn't live with you, you are not married, so you re free to end the relationship with him.
I am sorry for your heartbreak, and you must still be in shock.

Wellwobbly Tue 17-Sep-13 07:04:54

Holsten, it is very hurtful. It is very hurtful to discover that SOME PEOPLE can mouth words - in order to make sure they get stuff out of life and manipulate people into giving to them..

That, for them, they are just words. Words to get them an easy life AND ego strokes. Words to play with people, and use them.

Please SEE what your hurt and anger is telling you! Please look at all the clues you give here:

He told you he loved you whilst he was telling someone else he loved them.
He used EXACTLY THE SAME lines.
He uses you for room and board - so HE can save money and responsibilities
He is now screaming about being sick/dying to guilt you back into your box.

Holsten? RUN. You have had a lucky escape from a selfish, babyish, using whining cocklodger.
Tell everyone what he has done.

Really, really know that his behaviour is no reflection of you, but a statement about who he really is. He doesn't love! He can't love. He doesn't know how because he is still a 5 year old inside. Me, me me me me.

The only thing you need to do, is look back and see what red flags you decided to ignore, and fix your filter system. Nobody is ever going to take you for a ride again, are they?

Do you know the red flags: Did he
1. declare that he fancied/loved you really quickly?
2. try to move in quickly (yes)
3. is he fine about taking but not giving (yes)
4. has he explained well (taking responsibility) for why previous relationships haven't worked out, showing insight in to what HE did wrong?

He doesn't love you, he has been using you through nice words. You and your children are worth more than this, being on your own isn't hell!

MrsMelons Tue 17-Sep-13 11:47:05

I think you have had a lucky escape, many people do not find these things out until years into a marriage. At least you know now.

This is just as bad as physical cheating IMO but only you know how you feel about it.

There has been a lot of talk lately about posters on MN saying LTB for everything and anything but in this situtation it truly applies.

So sorry you are going through this.

holstenlips Tue 17-Sep-13 19:07:31

I told his Mum today

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 19:21:45

What was her response ?

holstenlips Tue 17-Sep-13 19:40:51

She was lovely. She just text me to say dont forgive him too easily, if at all. She said she will always be there for me whatever . She thinks he is disgusting and tacky! Meanwhile hes done the: im dying im ill im devastated I cant cope texts all day interspersed with some angry bollocks re "if you hadnt been depressed" and " youre not perfect" etc. I havent replied.

totallydone Tue 17-Sep-13 19:45:36

Lovely response and reaction from his mum-quite refreshing really from the usual " but my son can do no wrong" senario.
I am not sure where you go from here but l also think you have had a lucky escape. Don't let him wear you down.

AnyFucker Tue 17-Sep-13 19:53:44

Good on his mother. Never forget though that blood is thicker than water. She will still throw you under a bus if it came to the wire. Your beef is with her dickhead of a son. He is quite pathetic (and most unfanciable right now)

holstenlips Wed 18-Sep-13 21:26:01

I did a stupid stupid thing :'(
I feel so hurt its so painful. This afternoon (I am still off work recovering from depression, back to work next week) I felt suicidal. It was a fleeting thought really but scared me as I had these v badly about 9 weeks ago but have been put on medication which was helping.
I screamed. I cried. I collapsed today. Then I text him and asked for help. He said "well I dont have much choice im on my fucking way" so we had a row. I screamed at him and he screamed at me . It was hideous. He left but I feel worse now. Nightimes are awful. What can I do?
Tomorrow I have a meeting with hr at work.

holstenlips Wed 18-Sep-13 21:28:21

Also..he still hadnt told me everything. I made him today by saying we would have a chance if he did. He told me some more stuff he had said to this woman. It hurts so much.
He denies any sexual contact.
I dont believe anything and I hate him just getting on with his life while I crumble.

holstenlips Wed 18-Sep-13 21:30:45

By the way it was only a ruse on my part to get to the truth az I knew he was still lying despite repeated assurance from him over the last few days. He said he was low because of me but this started before I got ill. Although I suppose I am generally quite a depressed person.

BOF Wed 18-Sep-13 21:37:23

I will bet a tenner that you'll be less depressed once you get rid of the faithless freeloader. Thank fuck you found out.

holstenlips Wed 18-Sep-13 21:40:03

Thanks BOF
I just keep doubting myself. .is a fb message relationship just a mild indiscretion that everyone does?
It is the lies I suppose that kill me. And the sexual yuk factor.

BOF Wed 18-Sep-13 21:43:27

Of course it isn't. It's cheating. Decent people wouldn't dream of it.

Moxiegirl Wed 18-Sep-13 21:47:31

He will do this again, get rid.

piratecat Wed 18-Sep-13 22:00:52

texting someone you've got a hard on, and saying love you lovely is no minor indiscretion op.

you're going to move through all the phases of this shit, anger, hurt, pain, denial.

till you come out the other end back to anger.

AnyFucker Wed 18-Sep-13 22:18:38

Please don't look to him for comfort again. He is not your friend.

Ring The Samaritans and talk to someone who hasn't kicked you in the fucking teeth next time you feel so bad.

holstenlips Thu 19-Sep-13 01:15:55

Thanks I am trying to cope with it I think I need to tell a friend in rl . I have to get it out of my head. I just keep seeing this womans face and thinking of his messages ..about her looking hot etc and then Saturday I thought we were so happy :'(
Hes minimising it so much
He was cruel to me today
Hes a tosspot and a liar

StellarLights Thu 19-Sep-13 01:57:40

As AF said, don't rely on this man for comfort!

Get support from your RL friends, and people on here. We are all here to help offer you support and guidance whenever you need it sweetie, you are NOT alone at all so please don't think that for a second.

You deserve so much better.

holstenlips Thu 19-Sep-13 02:02:00

Thank you :-(
I really think hes not told me all of it
We got engaged in March. Hes messaging her at least from June.
I want to tell everyone what he did.

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 07:28:03

Then why don't you ? You have no obligation to keep his sordid little secrets ?

piratecat Thu 19-Sep-13 07:40:58

don't protect him. its not revenge or something if you tell someone irl.

MrsZimt Thu 19-Sep-13 07:58:31

I would tell people. You work in the same office. What sort of stuff will he be spreading if you keep this a secret? Making this all about your mh issues?
Don't ask him for help again, ever. He's not good for you, he's using you and your fragile state of mind. Get rid. And tell people why.

MrsZimt Thu 19-Sep-13 07:59:14

And I don't believe for a second is was "only" messaging. Tip of the iceberg.

LucyInTheSky78 Thu 19-Sep-13 11:19:45

I just can't think what the hell was going through his head when he texted her about his hard on. There is just no good way to see that. You need to get as far away from this prick as possible. And regarding what he did on Facebook makes me sick and angry. Attention seeking bullshit of the highest order.
I can't stand it when people pull shit like that on places like Facebook.
I wonder what his replies would have been if he'd been a bit more specific. Like... "I'm sorry for all the times I went behind my fiancee's back by sexting another woman." But no, manipulates his fuck up to get sympathy. It's the worst kind.. run away, otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to.
Better to be happy by yourself than miserable with this twat.

I know how hard it is, but what you need now is more courage than you've ever had in your life. Courage to stand up for yourself, courage to truly believe that you deserve better, courage that you have the ability to take care of yourself and kids, and courage not to succumb to all the begging and crying he's going to put on you because sometimes it seems so much easier to believe that he really will change, when you know deep down that you can never trust him again.

Focus on all the happy times waiting for you when you're not spending all your time stewing over him. HUGS

holstenlips Thu 19-Sep-13 18:10:56

Thank you so so much. Ive had the week from hell..my daughter was struggling to breathe this morning so I took her to the gp who called an ambulance. We just got home. Shes very poorly with a chest infection and to tonsillitis. I cant think of a worse week.
As for my ex fiance. I am going to start telling people as hes been all over fb today bigging himself up as per usual. His parents have just called me. They are wasted on him. They are so lovely. By the way they said to me he has had £20k off them in the last 2 years :-( whilst also basically sponging off me and my low income.
Anyway back to nurse mummy duties x

Boosterseat Thu 19-Sep-13 18:57:08

Hope your DD is feeling better very soon flowers

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 19:18:55

Still here, HL. Take care of you and your dd. Fuck him.

holstenlips Thu 19-Sep-13 20:51:17

Cheers. And AF I love you

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 21:09:24

Hope dd feels better soon x

perfectstorm Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:22

Oh God, Holstein it just keeps getting worse. At least you found out before you married him.

I hope your DD feels better really soon.

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 06:55:18

By the way they said to me he has had £20k off them in the last 2 years :-( whilst also basically sponging off me and my low income. -

LUCKY ESCAPE.

You can always stay friends with them tho!

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 13:27:00

Just wanted to add to my thread re ex fiance cheating via fb as I see there are other ops around the same sort of issue. When I confronted him re the messages he went home and then texted me to say that a regular update onhis smartphone had just 'wiped everything' pics messages etc . He said this and thought I would swallow it.
Born liar. Yes, im still bitter 2 weeks on.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 13:31:33

I don't blame you, love. Born liar is right. You are best off out of it. Thank your lucky stars you are too clever for this fuckwit.

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 13:38:18

Damn right im clever AF. This excuse for a partner told me SO many lies and treated me as if I was stupid. I keep finding more and more b/shit he has spun me.
He also told the OW lies, and he lies to his parents all the time re money etc. So good luck to any woman who ever has the misfortune of meeting him.
All this wrapped up in a cosy package of good loyal father and partner!!

Kerrie34 Mon 30-Sep-13 13:43:12

my bf of two years is still in contact with an ex via fb they still message each other she lives in Australia. I often wonder what would happen if she back. i think he still loves her he was planning to visit her before we got together.we have a 9 wk baby he says he loves me but I think he just settled for me because she went awaysad

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 14:26:55

Sorry Kerrie :-( dont know what to say except he has to be open about those messages with you.
I found out today that my ex has been telling people on fb that he did nothing wrong and that we broke up for no reason. Makes me so mad.

Kerrie34 Mon 30-Sep-13 14:37:35

I hope u are putting everyone straight. don't let him make u out to b the one in the wrong. think I'll need to have a word with oh let him no I'm not happy with it x

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 14:47:06

I am trying not to lower myself but its like another stab in the heart! Good luck. Listen to your gut instinct. Mine was telling me for ages that he was a wrongun!

You sound much stronger now.
Usually with cheating liars, there's always loads more they have lied about.
So glad you followed your gut and get him out of your life.
I agree - don't lower yourself. The truth will out! Then you can laugh at him and not feel any guilt whatsoever!
Well done - keep angry and keep strong.
How is work? Did you go back?

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 17:04:29

I go back to work tomorrow. Sadly we work in the same department. But I think he will look for another job once people at work who celebrated our engagement start asking questions

This happened to me with my XH, almost word for word.

I married him, when I was pregnant he became more and more verbally abusive. My the time I was pregnant with my second It became physical.

The whole time I felt more and more depressed.

I left him over a year and a half ago and I can tell you now, I have not had any problems with depression since I left.

You need to get out NOW before you are in too deep. Don't make the same mistake.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 30-Sep-13 21:26:18

iratecat Wed 18-Sep-13 22:00:52t texting someone you've got a hard on

Is not the kind of man you want when it's to someone else...

That is the bottom line that says it's over.

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 21:43:00

I know... :-( how that was not sexual or a come on I will never know.
He text me to say he is ill tonight funnily enough. Looking for sympathy.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 30-Sep-13 21:44:36

By the way they said to me he has had £20k off them in the last 2 years :-( whilst also basically sponging off me and my low income.

This man is so sick he even steals off his own parents....
As well as you.

Glad you have a good connection with them, cos this must be so hard on them too, you can join forces and expose him for who he is.

So glad you found this out in time....

AnandaTimeIn Mon 30-Sep-13 21:46:33

Of course he's feeling ill.

His game is up and his house of cards is crashing down around him.

I would go no contact. With him. Not his parents.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 21:46:38

I take it you are not replying to the attention seeking twat ?

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 21:50:05

I didn't reply no. But it made me so cross because hes all me.me.me poor me.
Hes ruined our future. I have a wedding dress and an engagement ring if anyone wants.
Tomorrow I go back to work after weeks off with depression. We work in the same office. Im thinking of telling my (supportive) team leader. Because seeing him is going to do my head in.

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 21:54:38

My daughter keeps asking where he is. Shes already lost her Dad (he moved away) Such a horrible situation. And a massive shock still after 2 weeks because we were close to moving in together. I might rip his head off.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 21:58:49

Yes, tell your team leader. Someone to watch your back will be good.

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 22:02:00

I will. I will tell anyone who asks. His mum texts me every day to check on me. She wants me to take him back though as she says I am so good for him and his daughter. At my own cost! I replied to say he continued to lie even when I had the truth. Hes not a good partner. I think I deserve more.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Sep-13 22:07:06

Don't listen to his mum, you have it right. She will think you can change him, but you cannot. No-one can. I am hmm at her, actually. Does she consider that you should sacrifice your mental health for this idiot ?

Boosterseat Mon 30-Sep-13 22:09:32

You know you deserve more Holsten, you deserve the truth.

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 22:11:52

Thanks. Yes dont worry. I value my health having had cancer 18 months ago as well. I must have walked under a few ladders.
By the way hes been married twice. Cant stay faithful and I know I cant change him.

Boosterseat Mon 30-Sep-13 22:13:53

Lucky escape lass, I'm just sorry you had to get so badly hurt in the process.

Is your daughter feeling any better?

CookieDoughKid Mon 30-Sep-13 22:26:10

I would give fB a bit of a wide berth. Just to give you some clear headspace. He and his family knows you are a good person so they will do anything they can to win you back/give excuses. Don't give in!!

Here's a true story:

When I was 25, I was madly in love with 'The One'. We lived with each other a few years, convinced we were going to get married etc. I once came home to his work laptop open (he wasn't expecting me, I came home early from work ill). This was way before the likes of fb and maritalaffairs.com etc.... He was messaging other women and arranging meetups by the motorway using the then basic 'chat' / 'messenger' probably Yahoo.

10 years on, he contacted me out of the blue. He's now 'happily' married with 2 dcs. He messaged me saying he'd be 'up for a one night' stand that he thought about me loads, that he's love for a bit of fun. I thought I'd string it out - also for a bit of fun. Goading him, pretending I was interested. All the while, showing it to my dp for a laugh. I got him to book us 5* hotel, dinner, I got him to arrange a night away....LOL

I sent him a printed photo imaged transcript of our text messages and I asked if his wife would be interested in seeing it because obviously, she'd love to get in on the fun too? LOL. He got bloody abusive. I didn't tell his wife in the end, as his business is no business of mine - but quite honestly, I felt very bad for his wife having to live with a twunt of a cunt and I felt very lucky to have left him back when I did all those years ago. I am absolutely 100% convinced he is having an affairs now!

holstenlips Mon 30-Sep-13 22:33:22

Ugh. Disgusting, Cookie.
He's just text me..I love you. I wont reply but im thinking "I love you lovely ×××" his last message to her (that I saw)
What a horrible twat. I think I will be better off financially now too as I wont have to feed and support him.
Im single. End of. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who replied on this thread. I just read again from start to finish to keep my head straight.
Really I so appreciate it x

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 01-Oct-13 01:11:43

You are doing great, holstenlips.
Keep it up!
flowers for you and your little girl.
Stay focused on work at work. Tell people when they ask, but keep explanations brief and to the point. Try not to get sucked into venting about him at work as that would not be appropriate, imho, and be a distraction from productivity.
Think of him as being a Ferengi from Star Trek NG (they are sleezy liars). ICK!

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 07:06:47

Haha thanks...I shall keep that in mind.
Im going to be hard working and professional dont worry ..I wont be wanting to cry at work anyway. I probably wont even look at him or talk about it with anyone.
Right I better get up :-)

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 09:23:50

Sit at your desk with a self satisfied smile, it will scare the shite out of him.

Put on your bullshit amour and let it roll right off. You are doing a fantastic job.

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 12:38:02

Hes not shown up for work. Both his parents have text me to say good luck with work.

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 13:50:20

Feckless and irresponsible at work too eh? Nice.

Be careful your hair doesn't get ruffled from dodging that bullet, you don't want to ruin that cool as a cucumber look.

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 14:01:16

Thanks Booster :-D work was ok considering ive been off 9 weeks and all this crap.
Have a day off tomorrow then 2 days in. I got a text from him at lunchtime to say hope it went ok thinking of you. Blah.

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 14:21:45

Blah Blah Blah indeed.

Its just words isn't it. Enjoy your day off to regroup and go in all nonchalant on Thursday. Its the indifference that hurts the most.

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 16:16:10

Im aiming for indifference. .the words he exchanged with her. .urgh just going round and round. Still feel hurt and im hoping it wont take too long til im over him.
I didnt tell anyone at work. Not even my team leader when I had the opportunity. It was too hard. Loads of people asking me where he was today. And one lad said "is he with his other girlfriend - joke" Still I got through the first day

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 16:28:55

Good for you, it takes a lot of strength and dignity to do what you have done. I hope you are incredibly proud of yourself.

When people know the truth they are all going to be shock "Bloody hell that Holsten is a total professional"

Masses of respect for you bows down to your awesomeness

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 16:36:56

Thanks..thats kind of you. The wedding dress upstairs is haunting me..going to chuck it on ebay. Unless anyone wants it on mn for free!

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 16:52:00

Get it on ebay or flog on one of the wedding forums.

Then spend the cash on something you really want and enjoy yourself. Its not for everyone but i love getting my hair cut when I need to give myself a kick up the arse. Its usually dramatic too, but hey ho - ive been known to be a drama llama in the past grin

The best revenge is to live life well and look fucking great doing it

piratecat Tue 01-Oct-13 17:09:39

holsten, good on you. keep going. x

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 17:12:55

Thanks I did already dye my hair and get some lovely lashes! New dress to wear to work Thursday!
Wedding dress listed already. Dont like it anyway now!

piratecat Tue 01-Oct-13 17:41:14

smile

go girl.

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 18:26:10

You really are one step ahead aren't you wink

Stupid twat won't be able to process the amount regret that comes his way!

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 18:36:54

Hope so.

holstenlips Tue 01-Oct-13 18:37:52

Just got to tell my kids now. Have no clue. Dd is 6. Ds 19 at uni so not so bad although im sure he will be gutted.

Boosterseat Tue 01-Oct-13 18:50:44

It's going to be hard, there isn't any point saying its not going to be because I can't imagine how devastated DS would be if he didn't have DH.

But, and it's a massive but! The lesson teach your kids about self respect and not being 2nd best to a partner is so much more important than having to deliver news which will disappoint them. They will love you all the more for it. He failed to be a faithful honest person, you're just trying to to the best for yourself and your children.

You deserve flowers. Lots of them.

holstenlips Wed 02-Oct-13 16:21:59

He wont stop texting me today. He said I should tell everyone what hes done so he can win me back.
I said ok I have the messages I will do that , he went no! No! Not the actual messages.
I didnt sleep last night and im worn out. Must keep strong as I will see him in work tomorrow. First time since I broke down.

BOF Wed 02-Oct-13 16:31:10

You need all your energy to get well and do your job- don't waste any of it engaging with his nonsense.

Boosterseat Wed 02-Oct-13 17:33:52

Remember that feeling of empowerment Holsten? Focus on that.

He isn't trying to win you back, he is trying to save face.

You don't need that grotty little wanker! Practice your very best look of contempt in the mirror for tomorrow.

And either stop replying to his texts or send him something like the following:

Despite your pathetic attempts to control and manipulate the situation that you created I have no desire to speak to anyone about you at all. I actually now cringe at the thought that colleagues believe us to be a couple and as you proved you are an inadequate, cheating,lying human being I would prefer it if people knew we are no longer assocaited with each other.Please feel free to spout more of your trademark bullshit at colleagues to soothe your bruised ego but any personal attacks will be reported to HR.

Now do fuck off.

holstenlips Wed 02-Oct-13 22:52:14

Booster..im so grateful (and everyone else)
I will keep that paragraph in mind and if he starts anything I shall copy and paste.
He still texts to maintain there was nothing sexual in telling her he had a hard on
Id love to tell everyone that due to his diabetes he is virtually impotent...and I never tried to fish around with anyone else did I!
Hes text also with "I put up with your depression" err no. Actually you left me and my kids alone to deal with it because you said "you couldn't handle it" and you started this online sexting to get your kicks.

piratecat Thu 03-Oct-13 09:52:24

chuck your depression at you? nice one, fucking idiot.

I hope work is going OK today and you are managing to ignore his cheating arse!
And to throw depression in there - lowest of the lowest form of scum!
You really are well rid.
Keep strong and keep going.

Boosterseat Thu 03-Oct-13 11:40:32

You're doing so well Holsten, I am seriously impressed.

I would imagine once the dust has settled your depression may improve - especially without a respectful,ignorant twunt dragging you down.

Boosterseat Thu 03-Oct-13 11:41:20

Disrespectful, goes without saying.

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