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(72 Posts)
Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 13:52:34

I have no ideb where to start sorting out the shit heap that is my life.

I cant make a decision to save my life. When i do, i cant stick to it.

I think im depressed, i dont even know that.
I have madd an app with my doctor for thurs to discuss this.

All that has gone wrong in my life is catching up with me.

My horrendous childhood, my shit parents. My brother attempted sex with me when i was 14.
At the end of may i went out for a drink and i got a taxi home. Woke up in the morning without a stitch on. I have very little memory of what happened.

When i go to doc on thursday im gonna tell him i need help or im gonna throw my phone in the cnal and go missing.

I just dont know where to start.

Im a cunt to everyone around. What comes out of my mouth is shocking.

To top it off i am stuck in a marriageh want out of.

I hate my life. I hate it.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 13:54:07

Sorry for mistakes

JumpingJackSprat Mon 16-Sep-13 13:59:39

im so sorry to hear this. have you thought about calling the samaritans if you really have nobody to talk to? they might be able to help you.

mcmooncup Mon 16-Sep-13 14:02:22

You have done the right thing going to your doctor.

Do you know the doctor you are seeing?

Aradia Mon 16-Sep-13 14:19:30

Oh love it will all get better, don't wait till Thu, ring the doctors now and get an emergency appt today. This is an emergency.

Blondeorbrunette it sounds to me as if you have had a lot of terrible shit to deal with in your life, and now you need to concentrate on what it is you want, and how to get yourself feeling OK again. The reason you are being horrible to others is because you are unhappy, not because you are a cunt. Honestly.

If you are unhappy in your marriage then that will be making you more miserable - are you able to sort it out (marriage guidance?), or leave?

I'd suggest stop drinking, so you don't end up in a vulnerable position again.

I hope you get some help from the doctor. It's definitely the right way to go - a very positive first step - so well done.

Please believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can pick yourself up from this. You can make changes happen. You honestly can.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 14:24:53

I have spoken to them but didnt find them helpful at all.

I need to make sense of my feelings so that i can make the right decisions, if that makes sense.

I dont know where to start. I have been physically abused and every other way by my husband yet i went back to him. I know i shouldnt have yet i have. I leave, i feel sick and hot when i do and i literally have a meltdown.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 16-Sep-13 14:31:33

OP, where do your DCs fit into all this? Are you managing to look after them while you're feeling so desperate?

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 14:34:37

Well done on making that appointment. That's your first very small step towards a peaceful life. x

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 14:38:06

Truthfully, they have worn me down and i resent them sometimes. They are well fed, attend school every day but they kno that im not realky here.

My mother left when i was 14 and my husaand sazs the apple doesnt faujl far from the tree.

I would never leave thew

Your H sounds like an arsehole. He is abusive, you need to get away from him, or you'll never be happy.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" - what a nasty thing to say. It's not true either. The apple often falls very far - there is no reason you will turn out like your mum, if you don't want to.

My kids wear me down too at times. It's always worse/ harder to cope with when you are depressed. Go to the doctor first, and when you begin to feel better you will feel more able to deal with everything. i.e. coping with your kids and getting away from your H. You need people in your life who will support you.

You will look back one day and realise just how much that arsehole was dragging you down.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 14:58:27

So sorry for the mistakes, my phone is a pain in the ass.

Yes, i need to get away from him, but i just dont have the strength.

I feel such a fuck up.

I am a moan.

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 15:23:50

You're not a fuck up and you're not a moan. You're worn down and are feeling like your reserves of strength are gone. You're not your mother, so don't let that man tell you otherwise. You can gather your last tiny little bit of strength to make the first steps towards a better life, and making that appointment was one of them. You can and deserve to be happier.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 15:34:54

Im trying so hard to push forward, its just so hard.

Its not really pills i need, its a chance to put stuff behind me. I am shit at moving on and letting things go.

Pushing forward will be all the harder with that loser in your life. he's dragging you down.

I think maybe you need counselling. Talk to the doctor about that.

By the way, if you can't come online and moan anonymously, then where can you moan, eh?? You are entitled to moan! You have had it far from easy. The goal now is to think, OK, no more. I'm taking no more shit. I deserve happiness now. And MEAN it.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 17:27:56

That is exactly what im thinking now, that i deserve to be happy and i really do.

He is a loser isnt he. He has cheated on me numerous times, headbutted me, spat in my face, called me a whore. I could go on.

Just for that i should be gone. I just need to grow some balls and get on my feet.

I used to be so happy.

It might help to have a chat with Women's Aid, as well. Living with an abusive man will make your mental health much worse, and they can offer you practical support and help to get him out of your life. They will not criticize you for having stayed with him, you are not the only woman who knows that the relationship is shit but cannot, for various reasons, put an end to it without help.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 18:44:35

I have spoken to womens aid before. I know they offer support and i will speak to them again.

I know what i need to do. Its just that i cave on the other side once im gone.

I need to let go of him and my marriage, and know that i have done the right thing.

What a mess.

I think that you are right at the beginning of making some really positive changes in your life.

You have made the dr appointment
You have realised that your H is a loser and you would be happier without him
You are going to speak to Womens Aid

Those decisions are all good ones. See - you CAN make decisions! Now you need to follow this up. You owe it to yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you're the only one that can make this happen.

Be strong, and get support. Take control. This man has almost broken your spirit - but don't let the bastard win.

Start making lists of things you are going to do, and make yourself do it. Just urge yourself on. Don't put it off. Just because you caved last time doesn't mean you will cave again. You are stronger this time.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 19:45:08

I dont know abt stronger, but im determined. Life has got to be better than this.

Im literally going to demand counselling from the doctor on friday.

I really need help to break things down so i can work through them one by one.

My head is all over the place so im hoping once the little things are tackled i can see more clearly and get onto the big ones.

A man that hits his wife is never g

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 19:54:39

On thursday even. I dont have the money until then.

Sorry, posted too soon. A man that hits his wife is never going to change is he.

No, he is never going to change. Not a chance.

I wish you all the very best for Thursday. You're right, life should be so much better. Your future will be so much happier.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 21:36:04

Thank you iwasonce young for your support today. I feel a bit better than this morning.

I hope i get out on the other side soon.

I have to keep telling myself this will get better.

Bless you Blondeorbrunette, I am glad you feel a bit better. I find that just making decisions about the future, i.e. having a plan, makes me feel more positive.

Just follow up on the plan - break it down into actions - and you WILL come through it.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 23:13:06

I have to come through it, or im literally go insane!
Thanks again

forumdonkey Mon 16-Sep-13 23:14:53

Take every day and every decision a step at a time. You've made an appointment for your GP - thats a positive step. Next one is to get advice on how to leave. Just take each day at a time and when things feel bad just concentrate on getting through the day.

Remember they are not mistakes they are learning curves, you went back and nothings changed so you can be more confident this time you are doing the right thing for you and moving forward. See it as a positive to strengthen your resolve to get a better, peaceful life.

Good luck OP, baby steps and this time next year you can look back and be proud of your achievements.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 23:44:05

Thankyou forum.

I could walk out the door, its when i have done it that i fall apart.

I just cant cope. I start to doubt myself and i want to come back. I feel sick, i get the shakes and hot/cold sweats.
Im also tortured with the thought of him with someone else. How messed up is that.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 17-Sep-13 11:32:57

A little update- i have spoken to my local family res centre this morning and they have offered me a session with a domestic violence support worker/counsellor tomorrow morning at ten andthen every thurs from next wk. So a massive step in the right direction. I wish it was today. I so want to get on with this.

I wish i had the home of my parents to go to. I feel so alone.

Sitting on my couch crying now. I hate myself for being aale to leave when i know i should.

I think i have convinced myself that being with my husband is far easier than coping with kids, no money etc.

Why did my lovely husband have to be a monster.

Of course he was a monster before we married.

Why the fuck cant i just leave!!

Madlizzy Tue 17-Sep-13 21:02:40

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've taken massive steps over the last few days to try and find a way forward and for that, you ought to be bloody proud of yourself. You're planning and taking baby steps. You go, girl! xxx

LuisSuarezTeeth Tue 17-Sep-13 21:37:25

BB isn't it the biggest pile of shit ever?

Well done you, I am in utter awe of your strength x

That is just such great progress - look how far you've come in one day! Absolutely well done! You are really doing this - you can do it! Please update again after your counselling sessions. I really think your strength will grow and grow.

Oh and I think it is very natural for you to feel like that about your H. You still love him. You are used to him. He is "yours".

But you have to realise, in fact you have already realised, that he is an abusive arsehole, and you deserve far, far, better. He doesn't respect you or support you. He is dragging you down and you will never be happy as long as you are with him.

You will get over him, you really, really will.

LuisSuarezTeeth Wed 18-Sep-13 13:12:20

How are you today? Did you see the counsellor?

Blondeorbrunette Wed 18-Sep-13 16:18:42

So, had my session. Counsellor asked abt my family relationships, do we get on, do i see my parents etc. Asked abt my children, their ages etc.

We talked very little abt my husband and our marriage as i think she just wanted to build a picture abt me. We did touch on the dv. Told her he had headbutted me, joined websites, hospitalised me bla bla. I joked that she has her work cut out and that maybe she would need counselling when i was done.

She asked what did i want from counselling. Told her i want to plan my escape and im doing it now before he takes my last bit of strength and im stuck here forever. Told her i dont want tabs as im not dep, i just want to have clarity in my life and make decisions with a clear head so that i know they are the right ones.

I cant see me sticking this for too. He will never change will he.

LilyBossom Wed 18-Sep-13 16:35:16

no he won't change, but you can.

I think you are very brave and I really hope your counsellor can help you.

Madlizzy Wed 18-Sep-13 21:34:54

He won't change, no, and today will very much have been a fact finding mission so she can build up a picture of how she can help you. As Lily said, you can change things and you're on your way. x

Sounds like a good start. I agree she seems to be just building a picture at the moment. I'm so impressed at how far you have come in just a few days. You should be proud of yourself.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:01:35

Guess who's packing smile
I am getting out on saturday.
Im slowly packing the kids stuff and will ring him on sat when he is at work.

There is nothing here for me anymore and i want my freedom back.

Looking at him now i wanna knock every single one of teeth out.

Got my job back, am due in on monday and have someone to mind the kids for free. I feel great x

Patosshades Tue 24-Sep-13 23:10:56

Oh wow well done you! Delighted for you to read this.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 24-Sep-13 23:16:01

I didn't post before, but I was reading. Very well done indeed. I think you'll find a lot of the fog will clear once you're out of the abusive atmosphere. And congratulations on the job!

SavoyCabbage Tue 24-Sep-13 23:22:34

That is wonderful news BB. I'm so happy for you.

The counselling sounds like it went really well. Keep that up. My friend was in a bad situation and was helped no end by her counselling sessions. She has started a new life too. A much happier one.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:23:25

There has got to be more to life than making sure his ironing is done.
he is nuts.
I cant even be bothered to explain the row we had tonight. Not worth my time.

Cant wait to go. He is just getting worse!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 24-Sep-13 23:27:46

Ironing is against my religion.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:32:24

I am going to have to leave the counsellor where she is. When i leave, she will be too far away.
I moved out of the marital home the end of august to move into his rented property, so im just going home. Only brought a few bits so its all still there.

The tripe coming out of his mouth the last few days and in particular tonight is nothing short of abusive. He just doesnt make any sense. Says something then denies it.
If he starts one more sentance with "what you need to understand is"

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:41:24

mine too annie, can i borrow your gun ;)
I cant wait to go, this is no life.

The other day he came home early from work and i warg sat down watching a film with kids. Nearly died when i saw his car. Jumped up to empty and load dishwasher, heart was pounding.

Thatr just not right is it. Bastard.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:42:15

mine too annie, can i borrow your gun ;)
I cant wait to go, this is no life.

The other day he came home early from work and i warg sat down watching a film with kids. Nearly died when i saw his car. Jumped up to empty and load dishwasher, heart was pounding.

Thatr just not right is it. Bastard.

bunchoffives Wed 25-Sep-13 01:11:46

You are right BB, that is no way to live. You deserve much better.

Life is short. Too short to put up with another xxx years of being miserable with a pathetic bully who drags you down everyday. You and your DC will be much better off out of there.

When you leave try and focus on making a relaxed and cosy home for you and DC. Remind yourself of all the shite you have put up with if you start to doubt your decision to leave. And come on here. Mn will support you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Sep-13 07:16:32

I think you've taken a bigger and more important step than you think just by acknowledging the DV to your counsellor. It's no longer a secret, you've said out loud that you want to get out and you've crossed what my friend calls a 'mental bridge'.... you are out of the relationship mentally now and it's not going to be long before you're out of it physically.

We can all be victims of bad luck and bad choices and being the victim of an abusive man can knock all the spirit and energy out of you making it doubly impossible to act. When you're been head-butted into a deep hole and you're stuck down there with a broken leg you can either blame yourself for not having the strength to get out or you can shout for help.

You've asked for help and you'll get it now. Keep talking to the counsellor and good luck

Shnickshnack Wed 25-Sep-13 07:48:32

You haven't made a mess of your life. Shit happens, abusive and manipulative bastards people are out there, often luring their next victim in by being charming and attentive initially.

With a history of abuse in the family or from abusive partners / friends anyone would be in a tough place. Christ, it's difficult enough to manage kids, work, life in general without the horrible experiences you describe.

However, you are strong, you are different from them. You have taken the first steps to rebuild your and DCs lives. I wish you all the best! X

invicta Wed 25-Sep-13 07:58:13

Just wishing you all the best. It sounds like you are now going in the right direction.

WOW BB! I am so impressed by you! I couldn't be happier for you. Thank God you have made that decision to leave him - life will get better and better from here.

Well done - and your kids are so lucky to have you.

Just imagine what they must think when you jump up like a frightened rabbit when he gets home! It must be a horrible environment for them. You are SO doing the right thing. if you ever doubt it, come on here again and talk.

Good luck for the future. smile

LuisSuarezTeeth Wed 25-Sep-13 19:26:41

BB that's great news, I'm very much in awe of your bravery. I wish you all the luck in the world - keep posting though, we are all still here for you!

Madlizzy Wed 25-Sep-13 21:20:12

Well done! You're really bloody amazing. Look at what you've done in such a short time. Go you! grin

Blondeorbrunette Thu 26-Sep-13 11:47:51

Wil respond when i have more time sorry!

He woke me up last night in bed plazing with me. Boak
and i said no chance. He said to me you have woken me up and now im horny. Said cant we just do doggy i said no. He got cross and said well im horny, what you gonna do abt it.

My god he has no respect for me does he.

This morning he turned me around to give me a hug. Wtf.

Stay with my ladies, i feel as though my chest is going to burst. The pressure is overwhelming.

Im going to fuckin do this!!

Madlizzy Thu 26-Sep-13 21:16:41

Ew. He assaulted you in your sleep. Ew. What a vile man. You are so going to do this!

Lweji Thu 26-Sep-13 21:27:57

Use that righteous anger.

Stay strong.

therewearethen Thu 26-Sep-13 22:52:35

Your update about packing made me smile just hang tight, I hope you get out soon, take care x

ButterMyArse Thu 26-Sep-13 23:04:45

Just seen your thread. He is an abusive fuckwit, isn't he?

So glad you're getting out. Keep posting.

Blondeorbrunette Fri 27-Sep-13 10:23:29

I am swinging between euphoria and despair every 5 mins. This is all i can think about!

Patosshades Fri 27-Sep-13 12:59:36

He didn't have sex with you against your will did he? I hope I'm reading your message wrong.

Blondeorbrunette Fri 27-Sep-13 18:54:16

I woke up and it was in. He was spooning me. Bastard.

ButterMyArse Fri 27-Sep-13 23:13:25

He raped you. What a fucking pig of a man. sad

You're off this weekend, yes? Stay strong - no one deserves abuse as part of their everyday life.

Lweji Sat 28-Sep-13 03:58:49

Fingers crossed for Saturday. smile

You should then go to the police and report him for rape, although you won't.

Please make sure you are safe.

Not sure what you have planed for after leaving, but do not meet him, at least not without other people around.
He's a rapist and may well turn violent.

Blondeorbrunette Sat 28-Sep-13 16:26:56

Im leaving today. He is a cunt.
Feel fine for now smile

ReviewsOffers Sat 28-Sep-13 16:32:23

Good luck Blondeorbrunette

The best days are yet to come smile

Shellywelly1973 Sat 28-Sep-13 17:10:11

Keep us updated.

Your stronger then you think...look at what you've got through already.

Best of luck.

Tske care of yourself & your dc.

ButterMyArse Sat 28-Sep-13 17:21:30

GOOD LUCK! See you on the other side smile

Blondeorbrunette Sat 28-Sep-13 17:33:17

Im gone. Will update later

Madlizzy Sat 28-Sep-13 18:44:54

Brilliant! Will look out for your update. x

Lweji Sat 28-Sep-13 19:20:37

grin

Well done.

Now, make sure you keep away.
Coping with the begging and seemingly changed it's the difficult part.

So happy for you! Well done, well done, well done! x

Blondeorbrunette Sun 29-Sep-13 01:24:55

He wont beg, not ome bit. We have been here before.

Feel a bit off, had a little cry.

I know this is the right thing.

A good man doesnt hit his wife.

And that's it in a nutshell, BB. A good man does not hit his wife. You should never feel intimidated or scared by your partner.

If ever you feel tempted to go back, please remember that. He won't change, you know this.

You're free now, and your DC are free. Things will get better and better for you now. You'll look back in years to come and realise that this was your turning point. And YOU did it. Well done, I mean it.

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