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Daughter's relationship: red flag?

(64 Posts)
LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 14:59:27

I was (am) a single parent, so my daughter and I have always been very close. I'm not sure if I'm too close. What I mean is that I think I am seeing red flags in her relationship with her boyfriend, and I'm not sure if they are genuine red flags, or just me being over-protective.

Whatever it is, I know there isn't much I can do, and I certainly won't say anything to her because it would really not go down well at all. I just want to see what others think, I think.

Daughter has been with boyfriend for just over three years. He's younger than her, and has just finished his studies. I've always had the slightly uncomfortable feeling that she is more in love than he is, although I have never been able to pin it down to anything - just a gut feeling.

Today is her birthday - she's 27. I sent her a couple of small gifts which I knew she would love, and she did. I asked did she get anything else. No. Boyfriend bought her nothing. But he did pay for dinner last night. She sounded ok about it, but he was in the same room as her.

Earlier this year, to celebrate his birthday, and the end of his studies, and their being together three years, she surprised him with a week's holiday abroad. I was quite surprised at that - we've always done "nice" birthdays, but nothing wildly extravagant. Also, I know she can't really afford that sort of present. I wondered if it was too much - both financially and in terms of the emotional weight of such a big gift.

Before they went on the week's hol, they spent three weeks with his relations in a country some distance away. When they came back after both the hols, boyfriend then booked tickets back to distant family for a wedding.

So on the phone today I had to hold my tongue. He had had enough money to book himself tickets back to "distant family place" but could not afford to buy her a birthday present.

I've had a funny feeling all year that something is about to happen, and I can't shake it. She would be utterly devastated - she told me she wants to spend her life with him.

I'm not going to intervene, obviously - she's a big girl. But if I was going out with someone and he didn't buy me a birthday present I would not be able to see for red flags. She is so completely in love I worry.

Renniehorta Sun 15-Sep-13 15:08:45

Has he bought her presents before for Birthdays/Christmas?

You may well be right about the relationship. However men can just be so insensitive about birthdays etc. After all in families it always seems to be the women who remember special dates and buy cards etc.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:11:43

Yes I think this is the first time he's bought nothing at all.

I suppose I'm hoping someone will come up with a strategy to stop me worrying myself silly... smile

LemonDrizzled Sun 15-Sep-13 15:14:26

Lois I think you have to keep quiet and wait in the wings. If you are right she will need your love and support when he decides he isn't "in love" and ends the relationship. And if you are wrong she will be happy with him anyway! Saying something is going to fall on stony ground isn't it? She will just think you are being critical of him.

I do know how you feel though. My DD has moved in with her BF after graduating and while I was helping them move I couldn't help noticing he does big sulks and stonewalls quite a lot. He has been though big family upheaval so he is upset about that, but I couldn't help having a conversation with her about it which went down like a lead balloon!

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:19:52

I don't intend to say a thing to her as it will just create a lot of bad feeling. This isn't the only red flag, I have to say. There have been a couple of other things - I was with her just before they were going away and for a full two days she just couldn't get hold of him. (He was supposed to be bringing her plane ticket round). The excuse he gave was quite a poor one and I had bells going off all over the shop.

God, it's a worry isn't it. Doesn't matter how grown up they are.
I said nothing...

Renniehorta Sun 15-Sep-13 15:19:55

That is very good advice. Just bide your time and be there if it all goes pear shaped.

Did he buy tickets for them both to go to the wedding?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:21:07

Did he buy tickets for them both to go to the wedding?

Nope, it was just for him. My D had to go back to work.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous Sun 15-Sep-13 15:23:51

It depends where they went to dinner. If it was a nice place that would suffice as enough of a present for me. If it was mcds he is a twat

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:26:37

Haha. I doubt it was MacDs. I dunno, I'm not sure I'd be ok with just a dinner. I'm not saying I want LOAD OF PRESENTS but having a little something to open, that someone has spent time looking for, is nice.

For example, I didn't spend loads but I found a really nice bracelet on Ebay with 27 stones - one for each year.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 15-Sep-13 15:29:14

No it's not right, and I think a mother's instincts are rarely wrong. However one might try to justify it, I just don't see how he could NOT have bought her a birthday present after what she did for him!?
Just read about him being uncontactable for 2 days before going away! I am not surprised you are worried about her ;(

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:32:40

Am glad to know this isn't an unreasonable feeling. But at the same time not glad at all.

I don't see how he could have justified it either.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:37:58

On the way home last night, he picked some flowers for her. That is, did not buy some, but picked them from the municipal flower beds along the way. Daughter has chosen to see this as romantic. I see it as cheap.

happycrimblechuckie Sun 15-Sep-13 15:45:51

If she is happy with him, irrespective of how he treats her that would be good enough for me as a mother, I do not expect anyone to show their love for me by buying anything for me and picking the flowers was romantic. If he is a twat she will realise in time if you have brought her up as a confident young lady which I am sure she is, just be happy that she is happy and don't expect her to have a relationship that you would like, everyone is different.

sneezecakesmum Sun 15-Sep-13 15:46:33

I think picking the flowers himself is romantic. To me it does show thoughtfulness rather than some ornate bunch from the florist. Maybe he doesnt have a lot of money?

Bluestocking Sun 15-Sep-13 15:48:57

He stole flowers from a public flower bed? hmm Red flags all over the place. He sounds as though he's passing the time with her. All you can do is nod, smile and be there for her when he decides the costs outweigh the benefits. I feel for you both.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 15:59:23

If she is happy with him, irrespective of how he treats her that would be good enough for me as a mother

Really? Irrespective of how he treats her?

I like to think I've brought her up to be strong and independent and all that sort of thing. Sadly I cannot do much about the relationship she has with her father, which has been a bit lacking, shall we say.

happycrimblechuckie Sun 15-Sep-13 16:07:51

Yeah lois she is after all 27 she is not a child and she must make her own decisions on who she is happy with, you will know if your daughter is unhappy and then I would talk to her but if she is happy then leave her to make her own decisions in her own life. What I am trying to say is she would be glad of the intervention if she was unhappy and had no idea how to get out of a relationship, but he is not hurting her is he? then she must be left alone she seems happy with what he does give her in the relationship, I think you just don't like him much and you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him well you are not her so just relax and let her enjoy her boyfriend.

ImperialBlether Sun 15-Sep-13 16:11:06

I'm in a very similar position. My daughter is in her mid 20s and has a boyfriend that, I have to say, I don't think is right for her. At the moment he is behaving himself but I do feel there will be trouble in the future. I am finding it hard to say nothing. My only hope is that she planned to spend some time abroad in the future and I know he won't do that so I'm hoping that she will do that anyway and that will be an end of it. It really is the hardest thing to think of somebody hurting your child, no matter how old she is.

ImperialBlether Sun 15-Sep-13 16:12:13

Happy, there is a massive difference between not particularly liking somebody and thinking they will hurt your child.

happycrimblechuckie Sun 15-Sep-13 16:14:51

But he is not hurting her, she loves him and he just didn't get her a friggin' birthday present he has not done anything wrong, lois just wouldn't want a boyfriend like that even though her daughter is happy, lois cannot be happy for her, I think she is just a bit jel.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 16:15:23

Sorry the site is playing silly buggers. I was just about to post this:

I know she's not a child. You don't stop worrying just because a child passes the age of 18.

And, as I have said, I have no intention of intervening.

As to whether I like him - I don't have strong feelings about him one way or another. Except on days like this. And yes, it's more about knowing that he has enormous power to hurt her.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 16:16:04

You think I'm a "bit jel"? Right, ok. Thanks for your contribution to the discussion.

LemonDrizzled Sun 15-Sep-13 16:21:11

I know in the back of my head is a script running that blames me for staying with her EA DF for so many years and letting her think crap treatment is acceptable. I have tried to highlight some of the things that I now realise were unacceptable but at the time I swallowed while in surrendered wife mode. My DD is very feisty and will stand up for herself and doesnt accept emotional blackmail, so I hope she won't go down the same path I did. Arre you doing the same Lois ?

happycrimblechuckie Sun 15-Sep-13 16:21:40

When you read ALL of your posts Lois, yes I do, you are clearly cut up about her dad not being any good, so you think she should be more careful about who she gives her heart to, but doesn't anyone in a persons life have power to hurt them, she may well get Hirt emotionally by this man if he leaves her but that is life and we all get hurt sometimes and most of us bounce back, you seem to be trying to protect her from the hut you suffered, but again SHE is not YOU she is her own person and needs to make her own decisions, the bloke hasn't actually done anything to upset her as I can see from your posts.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 16:22:43

Ignore, Lois, it is obvious you love your daughter and are concerned for her.

Was he unavailable for two days as he was trapped under another woman?

Is he treating her mean to keep her keen? hmm.

Ask you DD is she is happy. If she says yes, 100% and you believe her then all you can do is remind her she always has a home with you and you will always be there for her if ever she finds herself not happy.

If she says no, then go in calmly and see what she thinks she would need to become happy.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 16:26:03

Lemondrizzled I was not in that situation as her father and I didn't live together or have a relationship after she was born.

happycrimblechuckie I'm not "clearly cut up" about anything her father did, but she is because he's tended to put her second, a lot. I found him disappointing but she found him much more than disappointing.

And I'm not trying to protect her from hurt I suffered as it was me that left her father.

Anyway. Thanks for the input everyone. Might as well leave it there I think.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 16:29:45

Was he unavailable for two days as he was trapped under another woman?

Supposedly working with his dad.

she always has a home with you and you will always be there for her if ever she finds herself not happy.

In theory she has a home with me. In practice we both left our hometown (she first) to live in other cities in Europe. She would not want to come and live here I think.

Anyway, having established that I'm not jel or cut up, I think I've read enough. I just didn't have anyone to confide in, in my new city. It's all been going round my head.

MissStrawberry Sun 15-Sep-13 16:31:53

Just take what you need from this thread and ignore people who are being silly.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 16:34:30

It's disheartening you know. I think people project their own shit, sometimes.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 15-Sep-13 17:00:11

Lois, don't be disheartened, you are a very caring and protective mother and your daughter is very lucky to have you.
I think it's been made very clear not all mothers have that (natural) instinct.
I don't know if you saw Miss Strawberry's first thread, but the last two paragraphs might be worth thinking about.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 17:06:27

I think that even asking her "are you happy" would start an argument between us. She can be quite defensive (a lovely trait inherited from both parents) and if I asked that she would automatically think I had reason to doubt she is happy.

The thing is, I know she can hide stuff. She hid an eating disorder for years. I had absolutely no idea, despite the fact she was living at home then.

I think I just have to let her be, and keep my feelings of dread to myself.

ExcuseTypos Sun 15-Sep-13 17:14:35

Louis you sound a lovely caring mum. My 2dds are 19 and 22, I still worry about them, and dont think I'll ever stop, so I understand exactly how you feel.

Tbh I'd be a bit miffed if DD's boyfriend hadn't bought a present when she's just spent a lot on his present. I'd also think him disappearing for 2 days, unannounced was a big red flag.

BerylStreep Sun 15-Sep-13 17:14:44

I think it would be useful to make sure that your DD still has lots of support networks around her - does she go out with friends without him, etc?

Her buying him an extravagant holiday makes me a little worried that she is somehow trying to cement things with gestures like that, whereas he may not be as into her.

I suppose all you can do is make sure you are there for her.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 15-Sep-13 17:19:05

Yes, I understand that, it's a bit too direct. You could try to very subtley wheedle it out of her (yes it is crafty) - "so are things really good at the moment then bla bla??" This is not pointing to her relationship but make it more of a general question and you say this with a very happy face as if you wouldn't expect things not to be iyswim.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 17:26:47

does she go out with friends without him, etc?

She has a very good girl friend but a lot of people she meets only stay there for a while (I don't really want to say where she is) I guess this will change as she gets older and meets less transient people. I also have some family near her, and she likes being with them.

Buying the holiday was a bit of a concern to me too. It's such a spectacularly large present.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 17:28:27

"so are things really good at the moment then bla bla??"

Except I know how everything else is going smile. We usually have a big phone call once a week and chat on FB.

perfectstorm Sun 15-Sep-13 17:43:02

This is the bit I dread most about parenting. The bit where the love and urge to keep them safe is there, but the ability has mostly evaporated. I know you know there's nothing you can do except hope for the best and be there should the worst materialise, but it can't help, that knowledge.

In all honesty it sounds like different life stages. She's coming up to her thirties and he's only just left college. His attitude - picking flowers from council beds, a meal out but no pressie - sounds young, to say the least. And she's ready for more. Even if he's a nice guy, that sounds a mismatch of expectations.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 17:46:59

perfectstorm I think this is a very valid point. There's only three years between them but she is pretty much ready for marriage/babies. I know they've talked about all that but I've no idea if he will be ready at the same time.

And yes, it's a difficult time. The reality is I've got to let her live her life but if it all goes tits up she is going to need her mummy so much. When there has just been the two of you, it's a very close bond.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 18:25:43

Thinking about it, I may not have to say much anyway. If friends/family as what he got her for her birthday, they may be less guarded in their reaction, which might make her think, hang on...^nothing^?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 18:26:03

Supposed to be in italics...

PixelAteMyFace Sun 15-Sep-13 19:16:24

I can understand you being concerned, OP. But...

Is your Dd hurt by the lack of birthday present or is she satisfied with the flowers and the meal out? Perhaps she's okay about it because she knows he's broke?

You mention that the boyfriend's family are from a "distant country". Perhaps there are cultural differences that make birthdays less of a big deal in his family? My (foreign) husband didn't "get" birthdays at all when we were firsf married as in his family they had never celebrated them. In fact, he did exactly the same flower thing with me! Even after thirty years he will either get me something extravagant or else nothing at all, he still hasn't got the message that I don't want something expensive, I just want to feel that he made the effort to get me something!

I think your main worry is that your daughter is the one who makes all the effort in their relationship. Perhaps this is true, but even so, there is nothing you can do

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 19:31:23

It's hard to know - he was in the room when I spoke to her.

It's the boyfriend's stepfather who is from far away. Boyfriend is not - but the family "far away" is treated as being his birth family.

Sorry to be all vague, I don't want to give away too much about them.

She may be absolutely fine about all this. She may not. Time will tell.

melanie58 Sun 15-Sep-13 20:18:39

If your daughter didn't have rose-tinted glasses on she would realise that this is not looking good. No present, after she gave him that incredibly generous gift? Flowers stolen from the council? That is insulting, not romantic. She'll see it when she's ready. I don't think you can do much to influence her at the moment. I agree with those posters above who say just be there when she needs you - and it'll be when, not if. Just keep on being her lovely, caring mum.

sassyandsixty Sun 15-Sep-13 20:36:10

I seem to remember my parents didn't like my DH for various reasons and tried to warn me off. I really didn't appreciate their interference, but they weren't very subtle or sensitive and it drove me away from them. I am sure you are a lot more tactful than they were. But, the thing is - they were looking at it from their shoes, not from mine. They had a different sort of guy in mind for me and they were wrong, wrong wrong - our marriage has lasted 40 years so far. Though I'm afraid I don't really like the sound of your DDs partner, just be there as her mum - when she falls or if she asks for your advice any time. She's a big girl now, but I sympathise - it's hard being a parent sometimes. Oh - almost forgot - my DH has forgotten plenty of birthdays over the years or has botched up the present-giving with garage flowers etc, but he always makes it up later. Don't know if that helps at all. Good luck!

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 20:47:21

The thing is, any of us could be right. She might end up happily married to him, who knows.

I can't help but think she deserves better though.

(Cos most mums do).

thegreylady Sun 15-Sep-13 21:09:13

I understand I have a daughter.
My dd had a five year relationship with someone I didn't much like.The alarm bells rang when he 'forgot' to pick her up at the airport when she had been away visiting her brother.
He eventually broke her heart [for a while] and I felt real hatred for the only time in my life.
It is awful to watch the slow roll towards disaster.You hope you are wrong and all you can do is be there when she needs you.
My dd has now been married to a lovely man for the last 8 years and has two gorgeous dc.

LayMeDown Sun 15-Sep-13 21:12:00

I think you sound like a lovely mum, but in this particular incidence I think you are over reacting. I am not that big into birthdays. I do buy DH little presents most of the time as he likes having things to open but I usually not that arsed about getting them. I'd be more than happy to go for a meal and get some flowers (although not ones picked from public beds - that gives me THE RAGE, how selfish to take something there for everyone to enjoy. Isn't it illegal to do this?)
In fact it's my birthday in a few weeks. DH and I are going for an early bird meal followed by a play. Perfect for me. I wouldn't expect a resent in addition to this.
Not everyone needs material things. Spending time together doing something you wouldn't usually do is much more better IMO. Maybe your DDs P is like me or you daughter is?

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 21:28:23

You hope you are wrong and all you can do is be there when she needs you

Indeed. I really do hope I'm wrong.

As regards the not needing material things - neither my daughter nor I are materialistic. I brought her up on little money but lots of love and books and nice people. But birthdays are a bit different - it's a time to show you've been thinking about what someone would like. The other thing I got her, apart from the bracelet, is the Nigella book "Feast". I first came across it a year ago and have wanted to buy it for her ever since.

It isn't about getting "things" or having loads of money spent on one, it's about putting thought into getting a little something that the person you love would love. She and I have always enjoyed buying things for each other at birthdays and christmas.

If she and her boyfriend had decided they weren't going to do birthdays and just have a celebratory meal or something, then fine. I think what is odd is that she pushed the boat out for his birthday (maybe too much) and he didn't even get the boat out of the boathouse.

I realise people are going to have very different viewpoints on this depending on what birthdays mean to them and how they celebrate.

tiredismymiddlename Sun 15-Sep-13 21:42:56

I am sure that as a Mum we just want the best for them what ever their age. My DP has never been big on birthdays, his family just didn't make a big deal about them. He does all he can for us on a daily basis but just doesn't communicate it well and doesn't do big gestures. I think you must try to let it go and see what happens.

LayMeDown Sun 15-Sep-13 21:51:41

I didn't mean to call you materialistic. I apologise if I offended you.
I understand what you are saying but you are right people are different. I get the whole thoughtful little gifts thing and that some people love it, but I don't. I am in general terrible at it. I find it am enormous pressure and I usually become paralysed trying to think up things. Occasionally inspiration strikes and I produce something brilliant but there is no way I can do that several times a year for birthdays, Christmas, Valentines etc...
My mother is good at it to actually, but I still prefer doing things with the people I care about for special occasions to getting presents no matter how thoughtful. That is me though, I have 3 young kids so time is the most precious commodity!
What I am saying though is that it sounds like your DDs P may be like me. Your DD seems to know this and understands it (as my husband does). They may not have discussed it formally, she just may know what he is like and that it is not indicative of a general lack of love for her. TBH I think her partner was right not to match her extravagant gift as that way lies madness.
You may be right and this is more sinister. Or he just may not really celebrate birthdays the way you and your daughter do. And there is nothing wrong with that.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 15-Sep-13 22:00:09

I don't think he should have matched her gift either. Anyway, I'll just have to stop tying myself in knots about it.

When she was little I foolishly thought that once she was grown up I would no longer have to worry. I think I've worried more about her since she turned 18 than ever before. Probably because when they are kids your role is to make sure no harm comes to them. When they are adults...

perfectstorm Sun 15-Sep-13 23:29:17

DS is small, and I'm pregnant. A friend with a son at uni ruefully said she envied me, and when I asked why, she laughed and said, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems!" I know what she means, really. Right now, I can shield him, reassure him, soothe him and rescue him. She can't.

There's nothing materialistic about wanting major life events marked with thought and care. When I was in hospital a while back, DH brought me a tiny present every day. A peach, a bar of chocolate, a pretty pencil, a little Indian bowl, a postcard of a picture I like. He borrowed DVDs from friends to keep me occupied. Just tiny things to show he was still thinking of me as he worked, ran the house, looked after DS. That mattered way more to me than a diamond eternity ring, frankly. And I want that for my kids, too. Don't we all?

MariaLuna Sun 15-Sep-13 23:55:06

I think you are over-involved in your daughter's love life.....

She's 27, an adult and has to make her own way in life. That also means making mistakes....which of us hand on heart can say we never did that grin. It's part of life. You pick yourself up again. You can't wrap your kids in cotton wool. They won't thank you for it.

Like a previous poster said, lots of cultures don't even celebrate birthdays.
He did take her out for dinner (that would be present enough for me personally).

I have a 22 year old DS. I don't interfere with his relationship at all.
He does sometimes talk to me when there's a problem, so I'm always there with an ear if he needs.

now if it's his own wedding he's going back for I would! be worried

peggyundercrackers Mon 16-Sep-13 00:04:47

sorry I don't do birthdays for adults, a card is the most anyone gets - no presents. kids are different though as they get pressies.

ALittleStranger Mon 16-Sep-13 08:10:44

I agree you are over-involved...

But I think your instincts are right. He normally buys her a present. He's stopped, despite an extravagent gift from your daughter that most people would want to reciprocate. This is the kind of thing people do when they're withdrawing from a relationship (I have given and been on the receiving end of a pre-dumping crap present). It sounds like it may have run it's course. They're both young, him especially so, and him finishing his studies may have brought it to a natural conclusion. I just hope he wasn't staying with her for financial support so he can now dick off as someone independent and qualified!

All you can do is be ready to support her and show her it's for the best.

Peggy good for you, the OP's daughter and her boyfriend normally do do birthdays though so your experience is interesting but meaningless.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 16-Sep-13 09:09:45

Yes, I agree I'm over-involved. As I've said, when it's just the two of you, it's a very close bond. By the way, I don't "interfere" at all. I just smile and nod. Sometimes gritting my teeth.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 16-Sep-13 09:11:24

And no, he wasn't financially supported by her. He still lives at home. This is quite common for studens in mainland Europe.

ALittleStranger Mon 16-Sep-13 13:18:34

Well that's good news then. Honestly I would just be on standby for if the relationship does end. And if it does try not to see it as a tragedy, although it will obviously be difficult for your daughter initally. "Failed" relationships are good for us, they help us work out who we are and what we want, and how to do things better.

nightcircus Mon 16-Sep-13 19:41:17

Yes I would see the birthday thing as a red flag.
It shows a lack of thought and is a big smack in the face after her gift to him.

Could be to make her feel insignificant/ greedy/ materialistic/ needy. All in all bit kind.
The flower thing depends- again the tone could be 'you're not worth much' in which case she may well try and reframe it as romance.

I'd prob say that it's a shame he didn't get her a present and its a but early on in the relationship to not bother marking special occasions but leave it at that.

Then you've registered your feelings and she'll have a mental note if she becomes unhappy.
If he is acting like her birthday is no big deal and outside perspective reminding her it is is important.

You don't sound at all jel....it's said time and tone again - trust your instincts

nightcircus Mon 16-Sep-13 19:43:22

Unkind not kind

Also I'm speaking from experience as have had this mark a 'shift' in our relationship. Indifference led to smirking at not marking occasions (deliberate cruelty)
It didn't end well.

perfectstorm Mon 16-Sep-13 21:38:26

I don't think it's overinvolved to flinch at the idea of your child being badly hurt. It's not like the OP says anything, far less interferes. She's not crossing boundaries, she's just not looking forward to seeing her dd go through the sort of heartbreaks almost all of us have had to live through.

Surely hating the idea of your children hurting, and having to endure it anyway, is part of being a parent? I don't see how a switch ends that love when they reach their twenties.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 16-Sep-13 21:47:55

Well, quite. This is her first serious relationship and I see it with a bit more perspective than she does. However I can't really say much to her about it as she has just been sacked from her job today so there are more pressing matters. I'm trying to get her focused on finding another job. Yes, I know, over-involved. But she seems to lack the focus and drive to find work that I've always had (had to have really).

BerylStreep Tue 17-Sep-13 16:44:34

Well it will be interesting to see how her bf supports her in this.

Sorry to hear about her job - sacked or made redundant?

PixelAteMyFace Tue 17-Sep-13 17:33:38

Sorry to hear she's lost her job.

This could well change the dynamics of her relationship.

The ball is in the boyfriend's court now. It's time for him to show if he's caring and supportive. There's nothing like a sudden drop in finances for testing the strength of a relationship <speaks from bitter experience>

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