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Considering calling police, will I be wasting their time?

(116 Posts)
Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:28:31

I posted a cpl of weeks ago re my ex and nasty text messages, not really threatening just very verbally abusive.

I took advice and made new solicitors appointment rather than approach te police with a view to getting some sort of non molestation order against him.

My solicitor wasnt present when I went to appointment and has since failed to contact me to rearange(whole other thread, I hope to be able to get a new solicitor using existing legal aid claim, I've no idea if this is possible.

So last night ex texted me saying he "knew" I was seeing someone and basically asking where I was, where ds was etc.

I vocally respond saying none of your business, leave me alone. For the record I'm neither seeing someone and was at home in bed. As was ds

The texts started agin this afternoon basically saying I'm seeing someone who has a gf and kids, he hasn't named anyone but he has accused me of this before and I've not seen the person in question for years and not communicated with him in any way for over a year.

As it happens I wouldn't be interested in this person even if single.

So ex is obviously wound up, albeit unjustifiably.

Tonight he has driven past my house and texted to again ask where ds was as house was in darkness, ds was in bed and I was in back bedroom ironing.

Again I respond that he needs to leave me alone but do tell him that ds is at home in bed. He respond with "if you don't stop lying ill come round there and find out for myself".

This is the first time I've felt threatened and I do want to call the police I'm just scared that they will see this as a silly domestic which will waste their time.

In truth I genuinely believe ex has issues with some sort of personality disorder, he certainly has narc traits and I'm worried what will come next.

He has no reason at all to drive past my house(tucked away well back from main road, he has no friends nearby) and obviously he has no right to behave this way but is it criminal?

I've got to hand ds over at ten am tomorrow for contact and just know his behaviour will be icy and disrespectful at best so my mum is going to be around.

This is shit, I'm nothing but polite and calm towards him and I've dealt with this for over a year. Is rig police immediately if I knew they would understand. Just feel shit taking them away from crime and important duties

Leverette Sat 14-Sep-13 21:31:08

Yes call them. He's harassing you and causing you to feel fear of some kind of attack. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Keep all his messages.

Hawkmoth Sat 14-Sep-13 21:32:18

Phone 101 and explain. I'm not surprised you feel threatened.

PumpUpMyVolume Sat 14-Sep-13 21:32:40

I think you're wholly justified in contacting the non-emergency line which i think is 101. If you genuinely think that he might appear or in fact does, phone the emergency number immediately!

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:35

Yes, definitely call them. You really need this on record in case he escalates. You're NOT wasting their time.

BOF Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:56

Yes, call them.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:34:25

Forgot to add that he demanded I take a pic of ds and text it to him to prove he is with me. I assume because he thinks I'm out shagging about and leaving ds with babysitter- something I'd never do.

I honestly don't want to call them tonight, surely Saturdays will be really busy for them. Planned to call them tomorrow whilst ds wasn't here and have a chat with them

HotCrossPun Sat 14-Sep-13 21:34:45

Don't respond to any of his future text messages and keep all the ones he sends you.

And yes, definitely phone 101, most people would feel threatened in your situation.

Hope you get this resolved OP thanks

topicsactiveimon Sat 14-Sep-13 21:38:37

Call them now - it may be Saturday night but you're one of the people who need help!! You need this on record.

Don't respond to his texts anymore. I know you are trying to be polite but you are only encouraging him into more contact by responding.

And by the way, you are fully allowed to leave your DS with a babysitter and go out shagging! If you have arranged good childcare, you are allowed to go out now and then, you know. Your ex does not own you and you do not owe him any explanations about the whereabouts and care of your DS while he is with you.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:42:45

Hotcross- I've got every text he has ever sent thankfully and have been to police once already to log some similar incidents.

I think alcohol causes a huge problem. He binge drinks to excess on a weekend and I think the "comedown" causes horrendous moods and thoughts.

He is also very hit and miss with contact and maintenance. Often missing or cancelling contact then shouting about the rooftops about having no relationship with ds due to my controlling ways.

I've recently finished a course of counselling and deal with his behaviour in a much better way than I did.

We has been getting on well for a cpl of weeks cos he'd not drank last weekend and then boom back to normality.

I so worry about him rubbing off on ds. I really think he needs help, physcological help. Me going to police will anger him and I know he will be unreasonable re ds so I'm gonna have to sort solicitor out ASAP to coincide too

WithConfidence Sat 14-Sep-13 21:45:22

OP, how horrible for you. The police can put your phone number on an alert so that if you call 999 and even if you don't speak they will get there asap. It gives you a bit of peace of mind in case he did do anything. They gave me advice, like, calmly say you are hanging up, closing the door if he is hassling you, if he keeps trying to get in, say you are going to call the police. That makes you feel like they take it seriously and want you to feel safe.

Like other have said it's important to gather evidence by telling the police. Keep the texts and keep a diary of what he has been doing.

Either he trusts you to look after ds or he doesn't. It's not actually bad parenting to be seeing someone and get a babysitter. You shouldn't have to prove where ds is.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:48:44

Thank you. He knows I'm a good mum with

He is only asking where ds is cos he assumes I'm with the person he insists I'm having an affair with.

I've woken ds up dropping the ironing board so we are now on sofa watching over the hedge. I think I am gonna ring wen ds falls asleep again.

Just got this text "Stop been akward n lying then I won't need to txt u! The lad who uve been messing about with, can't wait til his lass finds out which will be very soon now that I know, and she smashes your face in! Hope it's worth it, night :-)"

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:51:12

They definitely WON'T see it as a waste of time, he has threatened you, you feel afraid, you are alone in the house with a child.

Call 101 to put your mind at rest - that way you aren't taking any resources away from the emergency line but the call handlers will decide if it needs dealing with tonight or not. Trust them - they are trained! My money would be on that they do decide it's important!

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:13

He is threatening you. Please report it ASAP sad Hope DS goes to sleep soon for you.

Also don't engage with him. It's none of his business where you are or where DS is. Only text him to arrange contact, the rest avoid. If he carries on like this then he might find himself under a harrassment order anyway!

Good luck.

Havea0 Sat 14-Sep-13 21:53:26

When you call 101, ask them about security and locks, that type of thing.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 21:55:54

Make sure you tell them you are worried about contact tomorrow too.

How old is DS? Is there any way you could say "My ex" instead of saying the d-a-d word or would he know? Could you slip into another room? I'm worried for you because he's already driven past and it seems like he's trying to stir something up with this other woman (I don't know if you know her, if she is a volatile person at all). Of course it could be all talk, but better to be safe I think.

Gruntfuttock Sat 14-Sep-13 21:56:00

Could he be drunk now? If so, he shouldn't be driving. Call the police and tell him that he's threatening you and you're scared.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 14-Sep-13 21:57:11

We had texts off Dh's ex that weren't as bad as that, they wrote them out and cautioned her for assault via text message.

The texts stopped then, she probably realised she was making a tit of herself. She was the one who left him too hmm

ilovexmastime Sat 14-Sep-13 21:58:48

YANBU, please follow everyone's advice. thanks

Bogeyface Sat 14-Sep-13 22:01:50

I think you do need to contact the police, not least because if he does take it into his head to tell the GF about your "affair" then it could cause problems for them too.

At least if he does that you can say that you have involved the police due to his threats and accusations. You dont want to be the OW in a non existant affair.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:04:02

Ds is only 2, we are having snuggles in my bed now.

He hasn't named the man I'm supposedly seeing but I've had texts before about him- I do know of his gf but not well.

There is absolutely no reason for him to suspect this either by the way. I know that doesn't make a difference but the thought of him telling her this when I've not even seen or spoken to him worries me. It could ruin a family

My poor boy being in the middle of this. It breaks my heart. We got out though and don't live with his daily verbal abuse or vomit being strewn around the house every weekend

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:00

And grunt I assume he did have a drink today as he was at football match I believe. So he's probably drink driving but not caught in act

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:53

Thank you all for replies by the way. I feel less alone now

Spider7 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:14:22

Your ex is stalking you. This is illegal. The police do take these things seriously. As already suggested, do stop replying & call 101 asap. Stress that you do feel very frightened & threatened by this man.

Meow75 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:25:38

Please call the Police. This man seems to think he has a claim on you in a way that is not legitimate in any way, shape or form.

He is driving past your house, probably under the influence, and making threats to tell lies about you to third parties who will then feel that they have an argument with you. I know you won't take any notice of this having read the thread but I really WOULDN'T wait until tomorrow. Call them now, because if he decides to get in his car again, next time he might stop the vehicle!

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:28:06

I've not replied only to say leave me alone. The texts just come as a barrage of bullshit regardless of whether i reply or not. ive long sice learned not to get drawn into conversation.

It's a long line of nastiness but I'm aware it's bordering on harassment/stalking. And I'm worried that his behaviour is getting worse. We have been split for over a year!

Another quick question, I know the police won't but is it possible for my solicitor to question his mental health and the possible impact on ds?

This is someone who believes he has the right to behave this way, he's not fearful of consequences(this could be a front however) and whose thoughts are totally irrational.

I want to protect my ds and be able have a life without this bully trying to scare me

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:32:55

I've called 101, someone from local station will be calling me back asap tonight.

Thank you for talking the sense into me for doing it

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 22:34:31

My ex did less and the police spoke to him, luckily that was enough to put him off. My only regret was not having phoned the police sooner (years before) - he had a habit and still does or doing things that are right to the wire so I do think.. is it bad enough to report, it is a common tactic used by an abusive man - they don't want to get in trouble but they want to cause you pain.
The bringing in of third parties to negate in some way thier part in this is - another tactic. Like he is doing you/them the favour. So what if you were it is non of his business and as someone else said; and so what if you had a babysitter and were out shagging. he needs to understand soon that he is not in control of you and it may take the police to tell him that.

The advice not to respond to another single message is the right advice - bullying someone is not as much fun of you don't get the reaction you want. But saying that the abuser may then excalate things, my ex did. Please ring the police asap - I know DS is up, hope he can settle soon and yes I would speak to your GP too about help for DS - I know he has a great mum in you but it would help you both I think. I feel for you both flowers

EMS23 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:35:15

Please call the police. What he is doing is domestic abuse and you need to have it logged.
His abusive behaviour is escalating and I am worried for you about what he may do next.

You are not less important than any other work the police have on tonight.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Sat 14-Sep-13 22:37:44

If it was a stranger would you call the police? Of course you would. Just because you 'know' your ex h doesn't mean he's not going to act irrationally - and you've already said he IS irrational.

Just call them!

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:37:46

That's good, I'm glad they are taking it seriously.

It would be worth asking their advice about contact, since they are professionals who see this kind of thing all the time - it could help. My understanding is that if there is no court order you do not have to make your DS available for contact.

The other people who could advise with this are Women's Aid. You can email them I believe, to see if they have any support workers in your area or can advise on a course of action/solicitor/etc. If not then you can definitely phone them. They are usually engaged these days sad But will phone you back if you leave a number and a safe time (thankfully ALL times are safe for you now, just think of that - I hope that soon his vile bullying tactics will be gone from your life completely.)

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 22:38:00

Sorry crossed post - well done OP - advice I have read before is that to mention someone's mental health doesn't get much of a responce and it is better to just keep informing the court/cafcass of actions - they say it all. The police report will help - they will be great. They will probably send someone round - take the help OP - you have done nothing wrong here - you are at home with your DS being a great Mum.
Get this step over with and then look at contact issues and help for DS - one step at a time you will get there - you are doing really well.

Gruntfuttock Sat 14-Sep-13 22:39:11

The fact that you think he may well be drink-driving is far from trivial too. He could injure or kill someone.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:40:47

You could also contact social services for advice about contact - I know this seems extreme, but you're just asking for their advice/opinion, it's not like you're reporting him or flagging your DS up as "at risk" or anything. From what I have seen on here before it's useful to get as many different professionals from as many different angles as possible involved as it strengthens your case. I was lucky in a way, in that my ex lost interest in DS fairly quickly despite me always making him available for contact etc. Maybe it was just too easy for him?

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:41:38

But yours sounds a bit more pro-active than mine, who was mostly all mouth and no trousers... Sorry rambling now. If I were you I would get as much back up from as many different sources as humanly possible.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:53:36

A policeman has called me back. He was lovely. I got upset on the phone but he was very kind.

He asked if ds was with me and took our address as well as exes.

He has made a note for a colleague to come and see me first thing tomorrow and has told me to dial 999 in the meantime if I need to.

He asked for reg of ex's vehicle but I don't know it, only the last three digits and a discription. He said they would keep an eye on it, not sure what he meant but he has reassured me.

I mentioned having to see ex for hand over and he asked if there was a third party until full report taken and advice given and there is so that's what I'll do tomorrow.

Thank you all. You are all right in that I am actually scared. Not so much about tonight's debacle but more of what will be next.

I sleep in a back bedroom and think ill move us to the front one tonight

BOF Sat 14-Sep-13 22:59:35

Good luck, love.

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 23:08:27

That's great OP - you have done the right thing - I know just how you feel tonight - I would pick DS up out of his bed and put him in with me as I thought he would be safer in case something happened - it never did happen but I don't want to speak too soon - it still crosses my mind - no one else I know makes me feel like that.
Don't minimise anything to the police - your ex has tried to down play things to you and it took me a long time not to down play it to others.

When I rang the police they got a DV team member to ring me and they asked if they could inform SS which they did and I got a really nice reply from SS, very supportive.

I know there is a still a long way to go for agencies to be joined up but I found that they were pretty good in my case. If the police give you the option of them getting the DV team to ring you, take it and if they ask can they inform SS say yes - it will be to your DS and your benefit.

People like your ex need all the shutters pulling down - I know you still have handover issues but if he carries on with the abuse that will have to reduce as your DS would be exposed to it and it would not be in thier best interest and emotionally damaging as you know. One step at a time though -I know you are frightened tonight but you have done the right thing. I wish I could come round and stop over with you. flowers

EMS23 Sat 14-Sep-13 23:09:00

Good, I'm glad you called the police and they were reassuring.
Tomorrow, call Women's Aid. They will help you with all of this and give you really good advice about how to stay safe.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 23:21:32

Thank you all again.

Ds is in with me hogging the bed smile

I was actually in touch with a support worker from local women's aid when we first split around a year ago.

She was lovely, and very pro active but honestly, she and her colleagues were so stretched I kind of made way for more urgent cases, which I entirely understand. I may call again this week, as a poster said, to get another agency involved.
I have had counselling arranged through an employee support service at work which has helped me.

My solicitors worry me as I've said and this needs sorting. I do feel like giving up with them and finding someone else more reliable but this hinges on my legal aid being transferable since the changes in April.

Social services does worry me, which is ridiculous as I am a good mum, ds has a stable, loving home and and is thriving. You hear such horror stories but if they do get involved due to police involvement then its a necessary byproduct .

Over the past year I've reached varying degrees of strength but looking back none of it has been enough. I let things lie wen he is being nice for an easy life.

It stops now, I'm actually relived to have made the call and then spoken to someone. My mum wanted me to go to hers but as it was late I didn't want to take ds out in the cold and as she is babysitting my niece she couldn't come to us.

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 23:29:29

OP I felt like that about social services - not that I had ANY reason to from my parenting point of view but I think it was because you usually only hear about them involving themselves as a child is at risk - they can also get help the other way round - they were great, they will not judge you, they will tell you, you have done the right thing. It made me feel better when they put that in writting to me.
Glad you have your mum for support and she knows what is going on - she is only a phone call away- keep the phone near the bed for comfort. I think I slept with mine and still do sometimes under my chin smile
I think you are right, you have tried to keep things as peaceful as possible but it hasn't work, that isn't your fault - no one likes authorities involved in thier lives - but sometimes we need thier help as only they can really stop what someone is doing.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 23:36:42

Oh good. I am so relieved to hear they have been so supportive and helpful. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

If you think of SS in terms of protecting your DS from your ex rather than them being there to judge you - I know you do hear horror stories but really I strongly suspect that in these cases you don't get the full story. (i bet your ex, for example, is going around telling everyone what a great father he is, and we all know how true THAT is!)

Social services really don't want to separate children from capable loving parents, because being in the care system and separating children from their birth families is very damaging to a child in itself. They will only even start to consider this if they feel that the harm from staying is so much greater sad There is no question about you and your parenting, but they may be able to help you protect him from your ex and his abuse which can only be a good thing.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 23:44:59

yoni your nickname has just given me my first giggle of the day so thank you.

My health visitor is lovely, she spent quite a bit of time with us as ds was a poorly preemie and she came to see us in march to ds ds's 2 yr check.

I spoke to her then about ex's lack of responsibility and touched upon nastiness(and probably downplayed it). She gave me a hug and told me I'd obviously done a good job with ds and(I quote!) " your love for him shines through as does his for you, he responds to you so well, you've done a fantastic job".

It made me cry but thinking back now in wondering if it would help to have a chat with her now.

I want what's best for ds. I'd live for us to get on, to be respectful of each other- even if just at face value but it isn't going to happen. It's very sad.

I'm going to attempt some sleep.

Thank you for listening everyone, its really helped x

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 15-Sep-13 00:13:43

grin You're welcome!

I would speak to HV yes, but be a bit prepared for her to totally misunderstand and say "Oh but it's nice for him to see his dad" - mine was great and very supportive but seemed to purposefully misunderstand when it came to contact concerns. I don't know why confused perhaps she wanted to be neutral, perhaps she thought I was a bit deranged, perhaps she just really, really didn't understand the mechanics of EA, but she actively encouraged me to drop my concerns about him which later turned out to be valid.

Basically yes get everyone on board. But if they are not supporting you then feel free to ignore them on this issue in particular.

Hissy Sun 15-Sep-13 00:40:20

You are doing fine love, please keep the phone with you?

I don't want to alarm you, but are you as safe as you can be, do all your fire alarms work etc?

Your DS is 2, so by all means contact the HV, contact everyone and don't let this drop.

This man is an ex. If you wnated to be out a couple of nights a week with a babysitter to look after him, that would be OK, you know that, right?

Your life is none of your ex's business!

This is your life and you are doing what you want from now on. I get that you don't want to go out, I didn't go out until my DS was over 5 yo, but many do.

This man is breaking the law. he has no right to do any of this.

Wereonourway Sun 15-Sep-13 10:36:46

Thanks all, crap nights sleep but handover was ok. Just had call from a wpc who has taken more info and will be coming out tomorrow to see me.

She has allotted 2 hours tomorrow night to take statements and have a chat about what my options are.

She was lovely too, really understanding and reassured me.

She did say she could go straight round to see ex tomorrow night but he will have ds so I'd rather that didn't happen but will see what they advise.

I'm actually relieved I've started the ball rolling and feel better knowing how seriously they are taking things.

Thank you everyone x

topicsactiveimon Sun 15-Sep-13 13:58:38

Great news, OP! With any luck he'll pack in the stalking after a visit from the police. And the police will know what's up if you need to ring again.

SPBisResisting Sun 15-Sep-13 14:10:27

Well done OP, yu sound like a fantastic mum
And I'd echo what the others said - if you wanted to leave DS with a babysitter and go out shagging every now and again, that would be fine! ANd none of your ex's business

Wereonourway Sun 15-Sep-13 15:27:02

Haha, thanks for all of the shagging encouragement!

Am sure wanting to get out and about will come, and don't get me wrong I do occasionally go out with friends, maybe once a month for a meal or a glass of wine.

And honestly at the minute that's fine for me. Living with ex was shit(I tried to pick a better word) and being alone with ds is fabulous.

Ds is a little star, has come from being a tiny bruised preemie to a lovely bright little boy and I'm very lucky to have him.

I'll update after police have been tomorrow

betterthanever Sun 15-Sep-13 17:45:00

Glad to see a positive update OP - I know there is still a long way to go and you will be feeling unnerved by it all but things are going in the right direction for you. I know just what you mean about being alone with DS and it being fabulous.

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 17:51:16

So an hour to go before police arrive and I'm very nervous. Shitting myself actually.

It's shit that its come to this

Orianne Mon 16-Sep-13 18:12:25

It'll be fine, just have the texts ready to show WPC. You sound as though you're doing a great job with your wee boy under very difficult circumstances and that shows how strong you can be.

meiisme Mon 16-Sep-13 18:12:37

Yes, it's sad when you have to turn to outside agencies to protect you from your X/DCs dad. But remember the relief you felt after you first spoke to them and on here. Being alone with the fear of what he might do is paralysing and isolating. Having the police and if necessary SS with you can help you break through that and move on. Remember that he did this!

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 18:15:18

Sending strength vibes.

You can do it. You know it's the right thing to do.

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 18:16:34

Thank you ladies. My fabulous dad is here with me. I'll be open and honest and ask for as much help as they can give me.

Feel like I'm opening a can of worms yet I know its absolutely necessary. Feel like the clock has stopped!

Hissy Mon 16-Sep-13 18:28:11

We're all with you lovey!

In a totally non-stalkery, more Ring of Mumsnet style!

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 21:21:42

So they've been. Or he has rather.

He will be serving him with an order tomorrow officially warning him against harassment, if there are any further incidents he will be taken to court..

Meanwhile ex has driven his nastiness up to a new level. Total coincidence as he doesn't yet know about police involvement.

He is threatening to not allow me to collect ds tomorrow morning unless I take his laptop back. His laptop is broken and unusable but the hard drive contains precious pics of ds(first hold, he was in incubator), first bath, first breast feed etc)

The pics were copies from my phone which he snapped in half.

He agreed to me taking laptop to retrieve said pics. I just haven't been able to afford to get it done.

Now he is demanding laptop tomorrow morning or he won't let me collect ds.

Police were aware of this but said they couldn't help.

I'm in such a state. I hate this, absolutely hate it

TimidLivid Mon 16-Sep-13 21:40:17

Could u look up somone in the local area who fixes computer upgrades them and ask how much it would be to get done and see if your dad could lend you the money or even to remove the hard drive for you if it can be installed in another laptop at a later date then u can give him the laptop minus the hard drive .

TimidLivid Mon 16-Sep-13 21:41:35

Sometimes there are tutorials on utube on removing hard drives then u can give him the shell don't tell him

betterthanever Mon 16-Sep-13 21:52:06

Can you take someone with you to collect DS? He doesn't know that the police have said they will not get involved in that bit, will he have been given the warning before you collect? is so I would say given that the police are already involved it would be better to keep the contact as aranged and not create any more problems? if still no joy - you may have to speak to your sol about an emergency residence order.. he would be foolish to start excalating things but these people do.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 16-Sep-13 22:05:14

YY you can just remove the hard drive, although not sure if he would be happy with that. Check the screws though, sometimes they have star shaped screws which need special screwdrivers (you can buy them from computer shops but they are expensive)

If you can access the photos at all currently then create a free google account if you don't already have them and upload them all to Picasa which is google's photo storing app/website. You can set them to private so nobody else can view.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 16-Sep-13 22:07:23

What did they say they couldn't help with? As in they can't make him return him if he refuses or they can't make him let you keep the laptop? I suppose if the laptop is his property then legally you would have to give it back, but I don't see that he's allowed to withhold your CHILD over it.

Good idea to take someone with you and bluff it though.

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 22:23:55

I have told ex that I will return laptop on friday as I'm off work and dad has offered to pay to have pics removed.

The worst but about it is that he has a lot of my possessions and he owes me about £400 maintenance.

He is doing it to spite me and hurt me. There is no one available to come with me at all.

He still hasn't given a time to collect and I've no idea what he will do if I don't have laptop

I mentioned to police that he was insisting on laptop and said not to bother turning up without it and he said get legal advice ASAP. That was it.

Is emergency residence order an option?? I emailed my local women's aid outreach worker and she says she should be able to help me legally

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 22:25:04

I have told ex that I will return laptop on friday as I'm off work and dad has offered to pay to have pics removed.

The worst but about it is that he has a lot of my possessions and he owes me about £400 maintenance.

He is doing it to spite me and hurt me. There is no one available to come with me at all.

He still hasn't given a time to collect and I've no idea what he will do if I don't have laptop

I mentioned to police that he was insisting on laptop and said not to bother turning up without it and he said get legal advice ASAP. That was it.

Is emergency residence order an option?? I emailed my local women's aid outreach worker and she says she should be able to help me legally

betterthanever Mon 16-Sep-13 22:48:38

yes, Op if nothing is in place and he is using a DC like that I would imagine a judge would order one, after that the police can be involved in it as after one is in place and he is not returing DC he would be breach of an order I think!! police are right about getting proper legal advice. Think it is time to play hardball - if you give him what he wants with the laptop it will be something else next time - you can't live like that and DS can't, it is not fair - what would he be saying to DS about where you are? DS needs to know what is happening and where he is going when and for how long - I know you know this but this would be the reason I was giving for a residence order.
You can only do so much - if you go to collect DS as was agreed and he says now, then speak to a sol and go for an emergcny residence order - I would not inform your ex about your plans.
Someone else may have more experience here - I know it is a balance so you don't make a bad situation worse but he must not use your DS as a weapon like this as he will do it again and it is harmful to DS.

TalkativeJim Mon 16-Sep-13 23:30:16

I think I would look into getting an emergency residence order as a matter of urgency. If he's going to start threatening you with keeping your DS from you - and his own home - then he needs to be stopped, and dare I say it contact suspended. This is for your son's OWN GOOD - the damage your ex seems to be prepared to do to harass you clearly extends to unsettling and upsetting your son.

Get a residence order and then after that, send a sol's letter clearly setting out that any further threats and nonsense and you will suspend contact, and he can pay to take it to court.

Is there any way you can take a few burly friends to his to get your posessions? Are they at all valuable?

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 23:40:58

Thanks all. Am going to enquire re residence order.

My current solicitor isn't even responding to calls now so will have to find another one- hopefully with help of local women's aid.

My possessions are a tv, washer and Hoover.

I did manage to remove hard drive but it would have been obvious so have put it back in. I will hand it over if he shows any signs of kicking off about it and maybe seek legal advice about getting access to it to access photographs.

I'd be heartbroken to lose those pictures. And he knows it.

He has threatened similar before re pick ups, never followed through. I've been thinking for so long that I'm getting stronger when in fact I haven't been really.

Think I've got a rough road ahead. He has now responded with a pick up time- 7.20am. Ds is 2! And this isn't even early. Some drop offs have been before 7am bless him.

Surely a court will see that this isn't acceptable? I've said that if his work dictates him leaving at 7am then he should drop his overnight and just keep him til bed time but he refuses. It's against his rights etc.

Police also said a referral will be sent to social services, dreading this due to horror stories but hopefully they will see that ds is happy, well fed, well looked after etc

If I didn't know better I'd think we had the same ex! Unfortunately I waited too long and his behavior escalated before I called the police.

He also threatened to take dd, but never did. Can you have him visit ds with a neutral third party present from now on? Your dad?

You've done the right thing.

Oh yeah, they love their rights.

Ex contacted fathers for justice l because I wouldn't let him come to my house to see dd after he got out of the police station hmm

Wereonourway Mon 16-Sep-13 23:50:19

Thanks southern. It will sometimes be possible for someone to be present, but not always.

It's such a crap situation because we could get on! I don't make any barriers to this whatsoeverZ

The residency order sounds like heavy going and its scared me a bit. I know I'll have to carry through with it though.

I'm scared ill go to effort and stress to be beaten iykwim? What if judge doesn't agree? What if he finds in exes favour?

Amazingly, me and ex do get on now, 2 years down the line.

At its worst though he would have gone to court and used anything he could think of against me, so I know how worried you must be.

After he was arrested he calmed down a lot. I refused to be bullied with passive aggressive pick up times etc. All contact went through my dad. Pick up at x time, drop off at y or don't come atall. One word wrong and I'll phone the police. Etc. Eventually we got back on an even footing.

Amazingly, me and ex do get on now, 2 years down the line.

At its worst though he would have gone to court and used anything he could think of against me, so I know how worried you must be.

After he was arrested he calmed down a lot. I refused to be bullied with passive aggressive pick up times etc. All contact went through my dad. Pick up at x time, drop off at y or don't come atall. One word wrong and I'll phone the police. Etc. Eventually we got back on an even footing.

Oh and have you contacted CSA about maintenance?

Lweji Tue 17-Sep-13 00:04:30

Same as SC.

It included DV, but after putting foot down and involving the police at every step, exH has calmed down a lot.
I still detect hints of twatiness, but he is much more civil (even though I won't go anywhere near him yet).
Being nice takes us anywhere.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 00:06:11

He is self employed southern so it's pretty pointless to be honest. I may do now though. May as well go go the clean sweep.

Contact hasn't been working for a while and ex has acknowledged that but refused to attend mediation despite my and mediators attempts to get him to.

I'm stuck really so residence order might be my only option. I have been afraid to change times or days but it needs to happen I'm just gonna have to utilise support and go full steam ahead.

Ds is the most amazing little boy and without all this ball ache in my life it would be perfect

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 00:08:45

Police did say to inform them of everything, however small to give civil side of things more weight. God knows how he will react tomorrow

Apparently he will be served with this non harassment order and non compliance could see him at court. He won't accept it for a second, doesn't believe in any way shape or form that he harasses or bullies.

But as I've said there's no need for any of it, none at all.

NotDead Tue 17-Sep-13 00:11:59

btw best not to engage AT ALL
send one text saying 'you are not to contact me or attempr to speak to me' then do not engage with anything else.

He is in a state of mind where anything you say will b e misinterpreted or giving 'evidence' about you 'cheating' etc

this is stalking and needs you to not engage or respond at all

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 17-Sep-13 01:42:04

Good luck, I hope Ds gets back to you on time and without too much stress

cleopatrasasp Tue 17-Sep-13 07:52:17

OP you sound lovely and your posts have really moved me somehow. My DH repairs computers for a living and I will ask him if he can advise you how to get the pictures off your hard drive.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 07:53:21

Pick up was a nightmare. He initially refused to hand ds over but when he did he was going in saying I was taking the piss out of him re laptop. I asked for ds stuff and he refused so I walked away.

Ds was in pyjamas and no socks and I've had to leave his bag/nursery shoes and coat.

I've got to take ds to nursery and go to work but honestly dont think I can face work.
I want to go to women's aid and see how quickly they can help me re court. I can't just turn up can I?

He's since text to say I caused argument in front of ds, that I take the piss and make the rules up etc.

I've had enough, I'm worn out and feel ill. My poor ds

tobethatis Tue 17-Sep-13 07:54:02

dont give up on this OP go all the way now you have started the ball rolling ... you will only en d up revisiting this later best of luck you sound like a fantastic mum

Visitingtethersend Tue 17-Sep-13 10:04:20

Hi delurking to say you are doing fine. I have no idea about nursery set up but could you give them an idea of situation and give them instruction that only you can pick ds up? Just so he doesn't get any ideas about holding him from you. Would it be the end of the world to have a sick day as you do genuinely feel unwell or even get gp on side with a note and sort out women's aid and solicitors etc in that time?

My dads also good with computers if you want me to ask him about hardrive.

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 17-Sep-13 10:48:13

I hope you have called in sick to work.

You cant turn up at women's aid because they don't usually have public offices, but you can phone at any time. If they did have an office then definitely! Turn up! But for obvious reasons, they don't usually publicise the address.

I know the residency order sounds hardgoing but it will prevent him from being able to hold on to DS until you do or hand over some arbitrary thing - that's the main thing this is for. It's not about assessing who is more suitable for a child to live with, it's an emergency order to prevent abduction by the child's other parent, basically.

It all sounds absolutely exhausting.
Well done though. You are starting the process of stopping this madness that is causing you so much grief.
I really hope the police warning will give the kick he needs but from the sounds of it I'm not so sure.
Definitely go ahead with everything you have planned.
Call WA now and see what they can do.
Keep strong for your son.
Keep us posted on how it all goes.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 11:29:03

Thanks for support.

My local refuge has been taken over by women's aid, I had a brief spell of help from them last year.

I turned up at 9am in a state. A resident have me a cup of tea and a worker has taken some info. Their solicitor only usually comes on Mondays but they are as we speak trying to sort an emergency appointment with her for me with a view to sorting emergency order by thursday.

I've rang work. Boss is aware of issues and she was lovely, but still feel their patience will run out. Very harsh sickness policy but boss has been amazingly supportive so far and have me some unpaid leave over the summer. I doubt I'll be there all week as will hopefully be in court at some point.

Right now I'm forcing a pork dip down my neck and having a cup of tea. Thinking of ringing health visitor this afternoon. I know she will be supportive but doubt there's anything she can do

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 11:31:40

Update- solicitor is travelling to see me tomorrow. I've had more action in a morning via women's aid than my solicitor has managed in a year. I'm amazed and so grateful. Can't go it alone anymore

PeterParkerSays Tue 17-Sep-13 11:51:49

Big hugs for you Wereonourway

I've just come across your thread - please go back and read your posts on the first page of this thread, and see how far you've come in 3 days. Think what an example of a capable, organised and strong mother you are giving to your little boy.

MrsMcEnroe Tue 17-Sep-13 12:13:24

De-lurking to say: wow OP, your last update has me in tears! I am so so pleased that you are getting help and support in dealing with your horrible twat of an ex, and yay to Women's Aid for being so amazing!

Hang in there, you have support now, make sure you make use of it xx

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 17-Sep-13 12:23:37

Ah brilliant, I didn't realise you had been supported by the refuge before.

I would speak to HV. Just get all the back up in place that you can. If she works out of a children's centre there may be something in place there.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 13:13:18

Thank you all for your replies.

Ex has texted his usual things, I suspect to make himself feel better and move heat onto me.

"Things can't go on like this, something has to give"
"It's not fair on ds"
"Do you want to meet up and talk once and for all"

I've ignored completely. Dreading fall out from police but hope I'm believed and protected now.

So thankful to women's aid. I literally walked in off the street sobbing and they couldn't have been more supportive.

And the lovely lady who herself had fled to te refuge took the time to make me a cup of tea and have me a hug despite of her own problems. She waited with me until a Staff member could talk to me too. What a lovely lovely lady

mignonette Tue 17-Sep-13 13:17:06

You need to engage w/ as many agencies as you can, keep really good records and make sure the police take this very very seriously.

You know of course, that any response from you personally to this man will escalate his approaches to you because it positively reinforces his stalking behaviour. And it is stalking. Keep records of everything this man does.

I wish you luck. And remember if in doubt, call the police. Always.

Hissy Tue 17-Sep-13 13:59:37

Can I suggest you get a cheap PAYG phone and switch that one off for now? You need to stay focussed.

You are being brilliant! We're all cheering you on! Xx

Hissy Tue 17-Sep-13 14:08:14

Don't hand over the laptop, get your 400 quid first.

Don't hand over DS either, as he's pretty much made threats against you. Your son is not safe with a man like this.

Suspend ALL contact, and insist on legal contact only, and only via a Contact Centre once you're safely away from him.

You need to vanish from his life, and only be contactable on YOUR terms.

Phone/text on specific days/times, off otherwise.

It'll drive him batshit, but he's not in charge here!

betterthanever Tue 17-Sep-13 14:30:13

Good advice from hissy on getting another phone and batshit made me smile I have never heard that before.

Keep all texts he has sent so far and keep ignoring - I think he is a bit panicked about how you have been brilliantly responding to his actions. Keep to the plan, you are doing so well.

A residence order is not as big a thing as you think and a judge will not side with him. Any order has only to be made if it is will benefit the child - it will benefit your DS to have a stable environment and a good, consistent pattern of contact he understands which is what you are offering - threatening to withhold a child from a parent in the way your ex has done is not in the child's best interest. NO judge in the land will think that, that is ok. You having a laptop he thinks he should have or a million pound watch for that matter, has nothing to do with the welfare of your DS and he can't barter a child for a laptop or anything.

Make sure you keep notes on how your DS was in PJ's and no socks (ok before I get flamed as a one off in isolation no big deal but this is part of an overall picture/pattern of neglect) - I doubt he had been fed either - this is not good for your DS, he must feel very vulnerable but you are doing everything you can, DS has a wonderful mummy and as long as he has you he will be fine. Refusal to give you things that DS needs - and you bought I presume? is not right. I know you don't want DS to suffer any more but he should be providing things that DS needs whilst in his care.

All this put to a judge would be a no brainer - it is all child centred concern.

Orianne Tue 17-Sep-13 14:33:33

I'm wondering if there's something else on the laptop he doesn't want you to see?

TimidLivid Tue 17-Sep-13 16:24:07

I'm glad you are doing this I hope it all works out for you and u end up getting some peace from him

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 16:32:19

Hi again.

I very much doubt there's anything else on laptop. We used it together whilst we were together. It is or was purely spite from him.

I did buy ds's stuff, only recently too, ready for colder weather. I'll do without them cos I have spares. I've leaned if I kick up a fuss or request anything he directly goes against it so ill keep quiet and they will come back.

Feel exhausted today, I'll be in bed at same time as ds tonight I think.

Police will be ringing me after their visit, jut hope he is at home so its not prolonged. Am fairly sure he has an inkling what's up as he as obvious texted me today to make himself appear calm and reasonable.

Been to see bf and her gorgeous baby today and having chicken dinner at my aunties as we speak.

It's really helping to talk t out too, so thank you. It's good to know you all feel I'm doing the right thing, even if it is scary!

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 17:44:19

Hi again.

I very much doubt there's anything else on laptop. We used it together whilst we were together. It is or was purely spite from him.

I did buy ds's stuff, only recently too, ready for colder weather. I'll do without them cos I have spares. I've leaned if I kick up a fuss or request anything he directly goes against it so ill keep quiet and they will come back.

Feel exhausted today, I'll be in bed at same time as ds tonight I think.

Police will be ringing me after their visit, jut hope he is at home so its not prolonged. Am fairly sure he has an inkling what's up as he as obvious texted me today to make himself appear calm and reasonable.

Been to see bf and her gorgeous baby today and having chicken dinner at my aunties as we speak.

It's really helping to talk t out too, so thank you. It's good to know you all feel I'm doing the right thing, even if it is scary!

betterthanever Tue 17-Sep-13 19:31:02

You do the right thing to take the rest when you can. Look after yourself - chicken dinner sounds good smile keep talking it out.

WayHarshTai Tue 17-Sep-13 19:55:02

You're doing brilliantly. Just posting to add my support.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 20:03:08

Thank you. I've not heard from police so not sure that they've been but ex is trying to ring me. I'm ignoring but heart is pounding.

There's just no need for any of this. None at all

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 17-Sep-13 20:07:43

Sounds good smile Thinking of you here as well.

Can you turn your phone off for a bit? Unplug house phone too. Watch some crappy TV. Or if you're with your aunt can you leave phone with her/another person on silent for a bit in case police call.

betterthanever Tue 17-Sep-13 21:15:06

Keep safe OP and if you see him near your house, ring the police. You know he isn't going to like but you are doing the right thing.

Wereonourway Tue 17-Sep-13 22:23:09

Still no update from police although they said they would go any time up til 11pm and that theyd ring me afterwards. Have spoken to them tonight too and they still said they were going.

Ex was texting and ringing me up until about an hr ago.

I'm actually scared. Shaking scared. I'm worried about what he is going to do next and I've never felt like this before

Hertschick Tue 17-Sep-13 23:32:10

You are doing so well - you have done superbly over the last few days. Keep going and hope things get a bit more resolved in the next couple of days when you see the solicitor.

SlangKing Wed 18-Sep-13 01:01:50

Sorry if somebody pointed this out already but I couldn't manage all 5 pages.

- "so ex is already wound up, albeit unjustifiably" -

He's your EX, it wouldn't be justifiable if you were seeing somebody.

C'est tout.

Gruntfuttock Wed 18-Sep-13 10:21:20

Have the police been in touch yet, OP? I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Hegsy Wed 18-Sep-13 10:22:22

Hope you are ok thanks

AllThatGlistens Wed 18-Sep-13 10:27:02

Have been following this OP, I hope you're okay and that the police have been back in touch with you flowers

Wereonourway Wed 18-Sep-13 14:59:41

Typed a reply and lost it. No update from police. Text from ex signals that he is aware they have been so assume they have knocked on door and he's not responded.

Been to solicitor. Sounds daunting but basically will be seeig her tomorrow to give her a statement re past events. Need to gather evidence of abuse.

Need to take evidence of earnings to see f I qualify for legal aid. If I do then court on tuesday. If I don't then I can't proceed

I'm scared either way

It must be daunting to say the least.
You are doing so well.
I really hope you qualify for legal aid and get the support you need now.
Well done and try to stay strong (even if you are like jelly on the inside).
Keep going, your son will be so thankful you did all this.

EasyToEatTiger Fri 20-Sep-13 01:00:33

A bit of support - mumsnet ((((((((Wereonourway))))))

MrsMcEnroe Fri 20-Sep-13 13:16:05

How are you getting on OP?

just stumbled across this thread. op you are doing brilliantly. really, you are. keep it up and stay strong thanks

Wereonourway Fri 20-Sep-13 14:49:07

Thank you all.

I'm ok. Haven't been sleeping at all but have promised myself a peaceful lovely weekend with ds.

No update from police but ex is aware of their involvement. He has gone fully circle(as is always the case) and is now apologetic and insists we should sort this out like adults and sit down and talk calmly, its in best interests of ds etc

I've tried for a year to do this, I really have and I know I've for to formalise things and protect myself from anymore abuse and protect ds from having to see any shitty behaviour.

Not sure what's happening legal wise yet. I'm totally switching off to it this weekend and will face it full steam next week.

It's just shit, it really is. I want what's best for ds and don't want to be seen to me a mum who tries to inhibit his and his dads relationship. That's not the case. It really isnt

I do feel like I've tried absolutely everything

captainmummy Fri 20-Sep-13 14:53:48

He's following the script - it won't be long before he is as abusive as ever. He's just convincing himself that he is a 'nice' guy - and he can tell people that he is trying to patch things up with you, and you are the baddie for not falling for it letting him.
Keep strong, OP. It's not your fault he is a shit - and his relationship with his dc is up to him, not you.

Hope you have a lovely weekend.

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