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Is it ever OK to tell DH I would fancy him more if he lost weight?

(97 Posts)
sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 20:57:57

I don't know. I've read so many threads on here where the OP's partner has made a comment about her weight and I know that if DH told me he'd fancy me more if I was thinner then I'd be really upset.
But, DH has put on over 6 stone in the 16 years we've been together. He does no exercise at all (drives DS to school when it's an 8-minute walk), smokes 15-20 a day and mainly eats junk food. He does shift work which has an irregular pattern (he's on nights this weekend) so I do see the difficulty in eating properly.
But the bare truth is that I don't fancy him as much as I used to. We don't have sex very often - partly because of his shift work so there often aren't many times when we're actually at home together, partly because once I am in bed I want to sleep and I always go to bed before him if we're both at home, but also because I don't get hugely turned on by him like I used to.
I've lost a fair bit of weight in the last 18 months (about 3 stone) but I did it for me and because I wanted to - he never made any comments at all other than I was looking great. I guess I was hoping that seeing me change my eating habits, do more exercise etc. might spur him on to do the same, but it hasn't.
Aside from the physical attraction I'm also really worried about his health. He is quite often (a couple of times a week at least) sick for no reason I can tell (ie. not food poisoning or too much to drink) and I'm sure it's got something to do with his weight and eating habits, but every time I mention it he tells me not to worry.
Do I need to just come out with it and tell him that I would fancy him more if he lost weight (and so we'd probably have more sex, which is an issue for us), or do I put a health spin on it (but I've tried that before) or do I just do nothing because I don't want to upset him? I really don't know what's best.

Hassled Sat 14-Sep-13 21:02:52

Try again with the health thing first. Work out his BMI - hit him with cold hard facts, and see if you can find some alarming horror story websites to shock him into action. Ultimately the health thing is way more important than the attractiveness thing - so persist with that. Anyone you can get on-side (MIL?)?

Vivacia Sat 14-Sep-13 21:05:27

No, that would be unkind and egocentric.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 14-Sep-13 21:05:50

Does he not mind that he's a completely different shape than he was? We all tend to fill out as we get older, but 6 stone is a lot! And he's probably still gaining, if he's not making any attempt to address it. It's not just about the sex, is it - if you are still active and lively (well done on your weight loss btw) then increasingly he won't be able to do the things you used to like doing together. Maybe that would be a kinder tack - you're worried about his health, and you want to stay active with him - rather than just making it about fancyability.

valiumredhead Sat 14-Sep-13 21:07:45

No because that would be very unkind indeed.

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:08:47

Thanks - I've just worked out his BMI and it's about 39.5. I know that the health thing is the most important so will try again. MIL is on my side and does occasionally say gently to him that he should maybe lose some weight, but no more than that.

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:12:15

And I don't want to be unkind at all, I really don't and I know how devastated I would be if he ever said anything like that to me. Really the physical attraction thing isn't the issue I suppose - it's about wanting my 2 boys to grow up with a dad who can do things with them when they get bigger, who models good eating habits and sets a good example. They've already started calling him fat or saying he looks like Daddy Pig, and it upsets him and makes him cross with them and it's difficult to know how to deal with it.

valiumredhead Sat 14-Sep-13 21:15:18

I hope you stop your children calling him names because that is just awful!shock

Vivacia Sat 14-Sep-13 21:18:24

In what way is it difficult??

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:19:38

I do tell them to stop. I think it's awful too - believe me, I don't encourage them in the slightest. I've maybe made it sound worse than it is - it's more along the lines of (whilst watching Peppa Pig) "Daddy's got a fat tummy too like Daddy Pig, haven't you Daddy?" not so much saying "Daddy's fat".

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:22:34

Vivacia difficult because I don't want DH to shout at them and scare them for saying something which is actually the truth, but also teach them how there are some things which are best kept unsaid.

Nerfmother Sat 14-Sep-13 21:23:53

Well I'm out on a limb here. Dh has put on weight, it's not attractive to me and I've managed to put some effort in to looking halfway decent (and its me that had 4 kids not him) and I've told him. He's cut down, he looks better and his health is better.
No point in faking your way through sex to avoid hurting feelings.

twofalls Sat 14-Sep-13 21:24:19

But op has stopped fancying him because he has put on stacks of weight. What should she do?

Darkesteyes Sat 14-Sep-13 21:27:40

valiumredheadSat 14-Sep-13 21:15:18

I hope you stop your children calling him names because that is just awful!

THIS!

LifeofPo Sat 14-Sep-13 21:28:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:38:01

I think I just have to mention his health more often then. I only bring it up very occasionally but maybe I should say it more often and hope that it makes him think.
I just don't want him to suddenly drop down dead from a heart attack - he's the only person I've ever had a real relationship with (he was 18 and I was 20 when we got together), we have 2 gorgeous boys who adore him and I can't imagine what it would be like without him.

VerySmallSqueak Sat 14-Sep-13 21:42:04

I think he will know for himself very well,and you pointing it out could really affect his self-esteem.
Hopefully he will reach a point where he feels ready to tackle it.
Until then,can you love him for the person he is,not the shell he's in?

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 21:54:19

That's what I hoped I'd made clear very but obviously not - I love him to bits - he's a fantastic father, he loves me to bits and would do anything to keep us safe, he's funny, sensitive and generous. I just wonder how much further things will go before he does choose to do something about it.

TootiesFrootie Sat 14-Sep-13 21:58:23

6 stones is an awful lot of extra weight. I agree that you can't mention that you don't fancy him as much but that you can mention how concerned you are. I think he has a responsibility to you and his kids to 'stay' reasonably healthy.

Is is at all possible to do some exercise together as a family.

ThePuffyShirt Sat 14-Sep-13 21:59:39

I don't blame you OP.

I think you should let him know that you are worried about his health.

The children calling him names bit is awful. But if I am really honest, excessive weight gain would not be a huge turn on to me either. I know sometimes this can be unavoidable however...

VerySmallSqueak Sat 14-Sep-13 22:00:42

As long as it takes him.

It's hard for you,I understand that,but it's even harder for him.

I really hope things change soon.

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 22:03:22

It's possible but difficult - because of his shift work he's often not around at weekends, and I work Mon-Fri. DS1 has just learnt how to ride his bike properly and now really wants us to go out with him and that would be a great thing if we can extract DH's bike from all the rubbish in the garage. Maybe I will suggest that as an option - it would be a good start.

sleepychunky Sat 14-Sep-13 22:05:32

Thanks all, eminently sensible advice as I always read here. I am shattered after a nightmareish week with work so going to bed now.

defineme Sat 14-Sep-13 22:06:50

That is a terribly high BMI-he needs to go and discuss that with his dr very quickly. The smoking and everything... This man needs help.

What works with my dh is timetabling in exercise to our whole family schedule, us not having junk food in the house because it's a bad example for the kids, us taking up swimming and biking a s a family.

I would really really push the health thing and not mention the sex-this is a matter of life and death and sex can wait.

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Sep-13 23:21:21

You say he's being sick a couple of times a week? I wonder whether be has a stomach ulcer. Does he have a lot of heartburn?

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Sep-13 23:22:25

I agree that you should not mention that you don't fancy him. You should focus entirely on his health.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 15-Sep-13 00:00:44

Op, Im in a very similar situation. Dp has put about5 or 6 stones on in about 11 years. Hes doesn't smoke or drink much. Eats crap & never exercises.

Im still a size 8 after 5 dc & currently expecting 6th dc.
I told Dp very clearly Im concerned about his health. I take of the food, he needs to walk every day for 30 mins.

My Dp also works shifts so this is easier said then done. I would never be horrible to Dp but i am worried about him& tell him so!

katykuns Sun 15-Sep-13 03:44:46

I highly doubt your DP hasn't noticed the weight gain and already feels somewhat insecure about it. So I wouldn't say anything at all. Get the kids pulling him out to be active and doing more, and stop buying snacky junk food/make healthier meals and snacks/reduce his portion sizes.
Gentle encouragement is key. Definitely do not say anything about attractiveness... if my DP said this to me I would be DEVASTATED.

Then, if nothing has changed, recommend him seeing a doctor because you are worried about his weight.

dolcelatte Sun 15-Sep-13 05:30:03

Being sic twice a week is definitely not normal. If I were you/your DH I would see the GP asap to see if there are any underlying causes of the problem.

Vivacia Sun 15-Sep-13 06:45:29

Ok, as others have pointed out, he will have noticed that he's put on weight. He does not need you to tell him. Secondly your motive should be concern for his health, not for him to look attractive for you,

I would not mention his weight. I would talk about healthy living for the family and ask for his support. No crap food in the cupboards, getting out to exercise as a family (biking, cycling, playing at park, whatever).

Lizzabadger Sun 15-Sep-13 07:21:07

Healthy living for the family sounds like the way to go. You all need to be setting a good example for the children.

He's only 34/5. If he carries on like this it sounds like he's heading for very serious health problems in his 40s or 50s.

Lizzabadger Sun 15-Sep-13 07:22:47

P.s. How about, if he agrees, introducing one small change each week?

The first change could be walking to school with your DS.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 15-Sep-13 07:23:38

I think the attractiveness part is a valid concern and, before anyone gets on my back, I'd say the same if the genders were reversed. However, yes, you have to start with the health angle, concern for his well-being, reduced life-expectancy etc. Doctors, offers of support, suggestions of joining weight-loss clubs etc.... all good. If that doesn't work you have to be kind but honest with him about the extra flesh being a turn-off. I'd approach it 'more in sorrow than in anger'... you love him as a person but the enormous body-weight is starting to get in the way of loving him physically.

jojoanna Sun 15-Sep-13 07:50:10

It's tricky i would mention very gently the weight makes you feel less attracted to him if this is causing problems with your sex life it might be the jolt he needs along with how worried you are about health issues but ultimately it's up to him to change.

QueOnda Sun 15-Sep-13 07:59:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flicktheswitch Sun 15-Sep-13 08:12:08

Actually OP I think you should tell him, in a nice way exactly how you feel about the health and sexual attraction.

I would, and I would expect my dh to do the same.

Obesity is a real health threat which will affect the entire family and whilst I agree that the children shouldn't be name calling maybe a straight talk would give him the motivation he needs.

Trigglesx Sun 15-Sep-13 08:48:28

You say he works shift work and eats junk food - how many meals does he eat with the family? Can you make sure those meals are healthier for him? Are there healthy interesting food options for him at home to snack on? Are there ways to help out in that regard - if he brings meal to work, perhaps have things available that he can put a few more healthy options in it? Obviously depends on who is doing the grocery shopping,

H packed his own lunches and used to have loads of junk in them, but I encouraged him to change one or two options to healthier choices and there was improvement in that regard.

I think riding bikes with the DCs is a good way to introduce some exercise.

something2say Sun 15-Sep-13 09:07:33

I think far too many people ignore the fact that fat beings are not attractive. Fat animals included. As a nation of obese people, when are we going to face up to this? Yes it is dangerous but it is also unattractive. I think it's alright to say it.

Sparkles23 Sun 15-Sep-13 09:14:45

I wouldn't say to him that you would fancy him more if he lost weight as I think that would be a bit mean (and how would you feel if he said it to you)

However 6 stone and a bmi of 39 is dangerously high so I would push the health side of it, really push it. It sounds like he needs a wake up call and a trip to the doctors about the vomiting (sounds like an ulcer) and to get his blood pressure checked for a start. Perhaps you could do cycling or some fun sort of exercise as a family and maybe alter his diet, small changes will make a big difference. He is at risk of a heart attack in his 40s/50s. I unfortunately know only too well about this my FIL dropped dead at 50 5 years ago from major heart attack, he had spent his 30s and 40s overweight, finally in his late 40s with high blood pressure he lost weight, got superfit but sadly the damage to his arteries was obviously already done and he had a major heart attack. I think in his case he may have had a predisposition to it but completely avoidable. My step FIL has high blood pressure and also visceral fat and i really worry about him too hmm. Please get your husband to address his weight while he's still young enough to avoid permanent damage.

TwoStepsBeyond Sun 15-Sep-13 09:20:58

I can't believe people are so shocked at the DCs mentioning his fat tummy, the man is clearly large, the DCs can see that. Mine regularly make comments about "mummy's squishy tummy" but I don't take offence, they're only little. Yes, I point out that its not very nice to make fun of people, but I certainly wouldn't be offended, they're right, I DO have a fat tummy!

I think it's sad that we're not allowed to even mention that extra weight is not attractive. Both my DP and I have put on a stone or so over the past year and we acknowledge that and half heartedly regularly try to do something about it. We both fancy each other as much as ever, but if it were 6 stone, I would understand if he lost a load of weight and then encouraged me to do the same for my health and/or looks.

Could you dig out some old photos and maybe point out how gorgeous he looked in a particular outfit or something, hinting that he was more attractive then without actually saying it. I know when I look back at pics from last year I am shocked at how much thinner I looked then because its such a gradual process you don't notice it going on.

Bumpstarter Sun 15-Sep-13 09:22:41

While I agree with something 2 say, I also think it is unwise to say 'I would fancy you more' because you don't know if you will. And saying I fancy you less is negative to his self esteem.

Are there any underlying issues which have made him let go? Is it just bad habits or is he feeling unfulfilled? is he comfort eating when things go wrong?

I agree that what gets eaten at work is very important. My ex insists on having packed lunches at work, and is shock with what the others eat (burger van, Greggs or pizza). Is he in manual work? In which case he needs calories, but from healthier sources.

Get him to the gp.

deliasniff Sun 15-Sep-13 09:24:11

I think the OP has two options here

1) Make it about the children and how the two of you have to set a good example to them and the need to do it as a family. Healthy food from now on and more exercise but this is to teach the children a healthy way of life rather than make it about him. Hopefully he will get the hint or just want to be a good role model for the children without having to make it personal to him.

or

2) Be honest with him but kind, tell him you love him to bits and you can't bear the thought of him having a heart attack or stroke and you and the children having to face life without him. Don't mention the unattractiveness because this will just hurt him and he needs to be upbeat and in the right frame of mind for a new healthy start. I'm sure he must know it's not a good look without having it actually said. The only person who can actually make this happen is him and if he feels positive about himself it might be the kick start he needs.

I think a visit to the Dr would be a good start though as he is being sick. I hope something works for you.

Bumpstarter Sun 15-Sep-13 09:25:50

Re the kids... Talk to them about making personal comments. But their dad needs to hear it.... Out of the mouths of babes....

Vivacia Sun 15-Sep-13 09:26:12

I think far too many people ignore the fact that fat beings are not attractive.

Well, fatness is attractive in some cultures, including in europe historically.

ithaka Sun 15-Sep-13 09:28:02

I wouldn't talk about not fancying him, I would push the health thing.

My DH put on some weight over the course of our marriage - about 2.5 stone over the years. He is a big man, so could carry it, but obviously did not look as good & it chipped away at his self esteem.

I really pushed the health angle & to be honest that was my primary concern. I never suggested I didn't find him as attractive, but I really pushed him to go to his GP & have a health check.

My DH recently lost all the weight & he looks & feels fantastic. I asked him for his advice for you. He said that it needs to come from your DH, he has to decide for himself he wants to change. He says that then it is easy, he completely changed the way he eats & it was easy to lose weight.

Good luck, I know what a worry it can be.

BardOfBarking Sun 15-Sep-13 09:45:50

The thing that shocks me most on this thread is how many people are casting the OP in the role of food police. This for example from KatyKuns
"and stop buying snacky junk food/make healthier meals and snacks/reduce his portion sizes."
The OP is a full time working Mum, why do we assume that she should also be doing the shopping and cooking. She is not HIS mother FFS.

Rant Over.
I would have a full and frank discussion with lots of offers of support and advice for small changes that would benefit the whole family.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 15-Sep-13 09:51:32

Agree with you BardofBarking.... The OP is no more responsible for what this man chooses to eat or drink than he is for her choices. Anyone who has been or is overweight (and I include myself) knows that it takes some commitment to change and - very important - the motivation varies as much as the individual. For all we know, having the OP say 'we'd shag more if you lost the gut'... might be the kick in the generous rear-end he needs

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 10:05:10

This might be unacceptable to some (and not weight related) but I told my DH that our marriage would come to an end if he carried on drinking heavily and smoking. He stopped smoking immediately and cut down on his alcohol intake. He now does exercise every day and looks and feels much better. Sometimes you need an intervention. The 'gently gently' approach is worth a go but if it's not getting you anywhere some tough love is needed.

I know this makes me sound like a cow. But I don't want my DC growing up with unhealthy behaviour modelled to them and Daddy stinking of fags / booze as well as the higher risk of him dying prematurely or getting very ill.

And I agree with others, you shouldn't make it about YOU (fancying him) but about HIM (his very serious health concerns). He needs to see a GP immediately and get treatment for his vomiting, support for smoking cessation and weight loss. But he needs to make the appointment - not you.

Also, could it be possible that he has mild depression?

trice Sun 15-Sep-13 10:17:37

It obviously depends on your relationship and the characters involved. I am happy to tell my Dh if he is getting tubby and vice versa. When I was really big Dh told me that although he still loved me he just didn't fancy me as much when I was fat. It was a shock but I lost the excess three stone in the next six months.

Sometimes you need plain talking and a kick up the butt. But he will also need some support, don't keep snacks and treats in the house, cook healthy food in reasonable portions etc.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 10:26:40

Exactly Bard and Cogito - the OP can discuss the issue with her DH and put the case for his seeking medical support / weight loss but it is not her job to do it for him.

The only thing she can actively do is decide, that if the situation is ongoing even after she has explained her concerns and suggested solutions, whether she and their DC continue living with it.

ageofgrandillusion Sun 15-Sep-13 10:27:39

Personally i think we owe it to those we love to be honest with them. If you dont tell him that him turning into a heffer is off putting sexually, then how is he supposed to know? He is in the dark about this.
Secondly, why on earth wouldnt the children call him fat? He is fat fgs. They shouldnt have to watch what they say just because this guy has chosen to put on loads of weight.
I actually think he is being very selfish given that he has young children. Unless he is very thick, he will know the health risks and he will also be aware that being so fat limits the physical activities he can do with his children. And yet he does nothing about it.
Personally i'd have stern words, tell him he needs to change his diet and start doing more exercise or else.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 15-Sep-13 10:35:56

I think you do need to mention the attraction issue, alongside your concerns for his health. Honest but kind.

I know if my DH gained a significant amount of weight, as much I would still love him, I wouldn't fancy him. I'm not physically attracted to overweight men.

6 stone is a significant, appearance altering amount of weight.

And the same goes for DH if I gained a load of weight.

The OP has lost weight herself, she's gently mentioned/hinted about health issues to him already, MIL is dropping hints about concerns for his weight/health and the children are doing what children do and have told him he is fat, in an innocent childlike way - and he STILL isn't doing anything about it.

So maybe an honest discussion with his wife might be the kick up the bum he needs. Nothing else has worked so far.

Vivacia Sun 15-Sep-13 12:01:52

So, to summarise, if your partner is over-weight and you no longer find her attractive you owe it to her to be honest and tell her, "you are over-weight, I no longer find you attractive, you are sexually off-putting" otherwise she will be in the dark about her weight. Once you've informed her about her weight gain you should encourage her to lose weight, use stern words in case they give her the kick in her over-generous behind that she needs. If she won't lose weight, you need to consider leaving her and taking her children away from her. In the meantime, if her children call her fat, that is ok, because ffs she is fat. Also, it's ok to use terms such as heffer (sic).

ageofgrandillusion Sun 15-Sep-13 12:09:10

What's the alternative vivacia? Tip-toeing around the issue while this bloke quietly kills himself and/or you slowly lose any semblance of attraction or respect you ever had for him?

Alanna1 Sun 15-Sep-13 12:15:49

I've not read all of the above but I can relate. I'm managing a similar issue by making time for DH to exercise - he has mates who do stuff together - they are happy for him to come too - needs me to take the kids then. Etc. what exercising did your DH use to do? Could you do anything together (walking/ running?)

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 12:18:11

If someone has put on 6 stone, eats junk food, vomits regularly for no apparent reason and smokes heavily - male or female - they need to be told that they are damaging their health and potentially their relationship.

It's a lot different to saying 'you're fat' / 'I don't fancy you' - context and kindness is everything.

SparkyTGD Sun 15-Sep-13 12:22:02

Definitely push the health issue.

I've put on about 2 stone post DC and I would feel absolutely awful if DP said anything to me about my weight. DP had put on weight also and I would never have said I didn't fancy him because of the extra weight (but now he has lost some weight I tell him how fab he looks).

DP makes time for me to exercise etc which is helping.

Vivacia Sun 15-Sep-13 12:34:01

What's the alternative vivacia?

Compassion, respect, support? Focusing on their health rather than their role to look sexually attractive for your enjoyment? Accepting that they've probably spotted their weight gain and ultimately it's their responsibility and choice to act on it when they choose?

Anomaly Sun 15-Sep-13 12:38:16

I think telling him you find him less attractive sexually isn't going to help. I expect he already feels less than sexy himself. Confirming it will just make him miserable. He does need to see a doctor about being sick. I expect the doctor will mention his weight. I would definitely push the issue as a health one. Just out of interest OP what prompted you to lose weight?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 15-Sep-13 12:38:20

It is their choice but in the meantime, you don't have to sit and wait for them to have this epiphany.

It's not compassionate, respectful and supportive to allow someone you love to damage their health and their relationships without ever pointing out the consequences.

TootiesFrootie Sun 15-Sep-13 13:04:40

I think the OP is obliged to say something. It is not fair on the kids for their father to be at risk of serious health issues. I think if you marry and have kids you have a responsibility to stay healthy'ish

garlicbaguette Sun 15-Sep-13 13:28:32

I also picked up on the health problem as a possible cause. Don't assume that obesity causes all the problems trumpeted by popular media and the NHS - it doesn't. Fat people live longer. We're looking at correlation, not causation.

It is true that certain common illnesses go hand-in-hand with obesity. Diabetes and heart disease are the main ones. Being a hormonal disruption, diabetes both causes weight gain and is worsened by it. Poor physical fitness can cause heart disease and, of course, weight gain. Obese people who are fit don't suffer increased risk of heart disease.

Being ill twice a week isn't normal. Is he tired all the time? He might have sleep apnoea, diabetes, CFS/ME, an ulcer, or any number of worrying illnesses that tend to cause weight gain. Shift work plays havoc with a person's metabolism. Get him to a doctor and stop thinking of him as some kind of failure. Hope it goes well, for him and for you.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sun 15-Sep-13 13:29:50

I would start with one thing which involves doing something together:

I've just realised we never eat our five a day. Shall we make sure we do every day for a month?

I'm not feeling very fit. Shall we start cycling / walking / whatever at the weekends?

I fancy training for a half marathon. Will you do it with me?

I know it sounds a bit condescending but I don't know what else to suggest. Just one lifestyle change can really encourage lots more. It would shock him if you said you don't fancy him- maybe enough to make him do something. But it would just be so hurtful.
Do you reckon he knows how big he is? I gained a lot when I was pregnant and it's taken me the best part of a year to lose it. I didn't know until I stepped on the scales just how big I'd got because I avoided mirrors for so long.

Your kids shouldn't think it's OK to call anyone names.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 15-Sep-13 13:43:47

"Compassion, respect, support? "

Is fine but there's an elephant in the room... and I don't mean the 20st bloke ... which is that the intimacy is disappearing from their relationship. Now you can be as compassionate, respectful and supportive as you like but at some point he's going to ask a straight question why they've not had sex for a long time and, whilst agreeing that weight is a sensitive subject, I don't think lying or making excuses is doing the man any favours either. This isn't about 'love'... the OP loves her DH. This is about honesty.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 15-Sep-13 14:02:24

I think some of the posters on this thread have no idea of thwarting complexities involved in ending up 6 stone over weight. I also feel if a man had posted, he would have recieve very different replies.

I have never been overweight so i didn't understand why my Dp would just keep eating. I told him so, so he then started to eat in secret. My Dp doesn't smoke or drink but I've said to him on a number of occasions he will end up having a heart attack/ stroke/ diabetes etc etc. Its made no difference.

The person needs to make a decision about their life & only they can do that.

Bumpstarter Sun 15-Sep-13 14:16:37

HEFFER ??????

You mean heifer, a female cow? I too question the appropriacy of using this term to describe someone.

garlicbaguette Sun 15-Sep-13 14:17:34

I had a 20-stone (and then some) boyfriend while I was a very slim 10st. His weight didn't bother me until I started going off him for other reasons.

Agree with what you said about 'complexities' of weight gain, Shelley.

garlicbaguette Sun 15-Sep-13 14:18:02

She was making a role-reversed point, Bump.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 15-Sep-13 15:07:31

Haven't read whole thread (sorry!)

However to answer the op....no, it isn't ok to tell him you'd fancy him more if he lost weight. The health issue is another matter...I'd be concerned about that and encourage him to speak to the gp.

I'd be mortified if a partner told me weight affecting how they fancied me. I think it'd br the beginning of the end for me. I'd feel judged and too conscious about my looks etc to be fully relaxed.

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Sep-13 16:54:55

Agree with vivacia and mamma.

His throwing up could be an early sign of gallstones. Which will be exacerbated if he loses the weight too quickly.
If you start discussing attractiveness and pinning it on his weight (which i DONT think is the right way to go about it) you need to be able to think of every consequence that could occur and you also need to be sure that that IS the reason. DH and i havent had sex for years I know it wasnt my weight because i lost ten stone and it made no diffrence. I got gallstones and was in EXCRUTIATING pain and high on morphine for months and had my gall bladder removed. The surgeon told me it was because i lost weight too quickly A stone a month for seven months before it slowed down.When very near to my target weight i had an affair with someone i met through work. It lasted for 4 and a half years and during the affair i kept the weight off. When it ended i did comfort eat and although i am nowhere near 21 stone again i do need to lose weight again. So have been power walking and eat more protein lower carbs smaller portion sizes and want to lose steadily this time not at a rate of knots Extreme rapid weight loss is not healthy either.

TootiesFrootie Sun 15-Sep-13 17:04:22

My FIL died as a direct result of obesity. (He was extremely overwieght) He didn't even make
it to 60. Everyone tried to help but ultimately he had to decide for himself. His slow miserable undignified death was awful to witness. The fact he knew that he was slowly killing himself was particularly distressing for everyone.
It wasn't his fault he was 'addicted' to food but I felt he should have been more responsible for helping himself be healthy. He choose to get married and have kids - he had responsibilities.
I know it's not always possible to overcome eating disorders but I couldn't help but think he should have at least tried.

sleepychunky Sun 15-Sep-13 17:56:24

Thanks everybody for all your messages today. This is the first time I've been able to get to a computer to answer.
Strangely enough considering DH knows nothing about this thread, I was writing the shopping list earlier and when I asked him if there was anything he wanted me to buy before he went to work (he's on another night shift tonight) he said a Caesar salad! I ended up making him some sandwiches to take with him as well, so I'm glad about that (his shifts are 12 hours long at the airport as a security guard).
Some people have asked about eating together. The DCs eat before us during the week - we have one at school and one at nursery and they have hot dinners there. If we're all at home together on a Sunday, which happens about once every 3 weeks, I will cook a roast as DH and the DCs all love roast dinners. When it's just DH and me in the evenings, I try and cook something for us both to eat, but quite often he'll say that he's not hungry, or he doesn't fancy what I'm doing, so I end up just cooking for me. And there are times when I'm just so shattered by the time the DCs are in bed that all I'm really up for is making something like scrambled eggs on toast or soup (he doesn't do any cooking at all).
I am making a point of not buying any chocolate/biscuits etc. other than the things I need for the DCs, but there is loads of fruit as we always have tons in the house. I think with some gentle suggestions as some people have suggested upthread, and me doing what I can to encourage a healthier lifestyle then DH might start making some changes. Someone said that he already knows he's very overweight, and he has said that in the past. We have scales in the bathroom and use them regularly so he certainly is well aware of what he actually weighs.
One of DH's problems is binge eating. He'll often eat nothing all day at work, then in the evening eat a whole (family sized) packet of biscuits, or an entire 200g bar of chocolate in about 3 minutes. We had the ILs over for lunch a few weeks ago and MIL brought a trifle (serving 8) which was surplus to requirements so left it here. After the DCs were in bed that night DH ate the whole thing in 5 minutes.
I really do appreciate everybody's input as it's not something I can discuss with many people irl. Will see what happens over the next few weeks.

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Sep-13 18:09:55

Is he actually getting a lunch break at work OP My ex OM who i mentioned in previous post used to work for a car rental company and his boss would often tell him "you havent got time to sit and eat lunch today" you will have to grab a sausage roll or a burger and eat on the move.
Ive heard this happens in lots of workplaces unfortunately. And its not helping the obesity problem.

sits and waits for Jamie Oliver to tackle the employers like he did the schools.....oh wait

sleepychunky Sun 15-Sep-13 18:11:38

Yes, they have very strict break schedules so he gets 1 hour break and one half hour break in his 12 hour shift. Plenty of time to eat a "normal" lunch/dinner.

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Sep-13 18:15:00

Thats good sleepy It means he has time to pick and choose something healthy to eat.

Not all employees are so lucky.
I take it as he works at an airport there must be quite a few healthy choices he could make.

Ultimately though it is his body and his choice.

Vivacia Sun 15-Sep-13 18:17:45

What's he eating on an evening then, if he doesn't fancy what you have or you both decide not to eat? The packet of biscuits?

If part of the problem is just being too knackered to cook in an evening, it might be worth just getting tubs of salads in to pick at. You can buy them if you can afford them or prep a few on your day off and add one dish at a time (tuna, potato, pasta salads, tubs of pickles and olives, cold meats as well as your normal green and veggie salad dishes). An alternative to this is using the same stuff in wraps or bagels. You could make a bit of a ritual of it - on the coffee table in front of the telly once the kids are asleep. I think part of the battle is making it simple, a bit of a treat and spending time and concentration on preparing the meal (rather than guzzling down a bar of chocolate before you realise what you've done).

garlicbaguette Sun 15-Sep-13 19:25:56

Good to hear he's doing it by himself, OP! You must have telepathic communication wink

I still maintain that it's more important he sees the doctor about feeling ill much of the time - and NOT let the doctor blame his weight for everything. It's bad enough that fat people are demonised all over the place as things stand, unfortunately GPs are prone to this as well.

Wolfing a whole packet of biscuits is a sign of disordered eating sad It can, however, be prompted by a metabolic illness. Or simple hunger - a body that urgently needs calories isn't fussed about the nutritional value, it goes for easily-absorbed fat and sugar.

Which leads me wonder whether DH may not be eating ENOUGH. A 20-stone body, doing heavy physical work, needs a helluva lot of calories. I'd advise you to look up a proper chart for this, but off the top of my head it comes to about 4,000 calories. Consuming only 2,000 wouldn't make him thinner, it'd put him in starvation mode where his body's actually screaming for more energy (calories are energy.) It's worth noting, also, that being tired makes you want more energy in the form of food. Shift work taxes the body's capacity to rest adequately.

Take a look around The Fat Nutritionist's website; she debunks a lot of dangerous fallacies.

TootiesFrootie Sun 15-Sep-13 19:37:08

I don't have a weight problem but I a have absolutely no self control if I know there are 'goodies' about the house. I simply can't have crisps, biscuits or sweets in the house. grin
The kids were not deprived. I let them buy a small sweet or treat at the corner shop every day or other day but I didn't have sweet things at home.
Obviously, if your DH is buying the family packs of biscuits then that is a bit more tricky but if you do the shopping you might be able to help him by not have too many temptations about.

TootiesFrootie Sun 15-Sep-13 19:37:54

Sorry, that sounded a bit preachy and obvious. blush

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Sep-13 20:54:45

garlicbaguette that is one of the most sensible posts ive ever read on here.

Darkesteyes Sun 15-Sep-13 20:58:30

Sorry meant to say its one of the most sensible posts ive seen about weight on here.

GrendelsMum Sun 15-Sep-13 21:12:27

Fwiw, I just came straight out and told DH that he was putting on weight. The reason was pretty obvious - longer working hours, a lot of foreign travel, little opportunity to exercise, etc. As a young guy, he was really fit and active but now he's about to hit 40, he doesn't miraculously stay slim, and he need to watch what he eats and not have a treat just because he's spending another evening alone in a hotel room abroad.

And DH agreed and started doing more exercise immediately, and even signed up for a charity fun run. Hopefully it will pay off before too long.

trice Sun 15-Sep-13 21:13:54

Don't leave the poor sod alone with a family sized trifle. I have to cover things like that in washing up liquid before I throw them in the bin.

ageofgrandillusion Sun 15-Sep-13 22:48:41

Don't leave the poor sod alone with a family sized trifle

grin grin grin

garlicbaguette Mon 16-Sep-13 02:00:15

Thanks, Darkest smile I usually just run away from diet threads, it's like talking to a very irritable brick wall! This looks a bit more measured (bad choice of word, heh,) and maybe sleepy will take common sense on board. We can hope, eh?

sleepychunky Mon 16-Sep-13 06:32:25

Thanks again everybody for all your posts. I will indeed take common sense on board garlic and do as much as I can supportively to help him make some small changes. I am definitely going to push the GP visit though - I think if he really understands how much I am worrying about him he will go, although he'll not want to (when we've mentioned it in the past he's just said "It's obvious, they'll just say I need to stop smoking and lose weight") and I know that's not something you want to be told.
Will let you know if things start to change. Really do appreciate everybody's input.

ithaka Mon 16-Sep-13 07:30:43

Sleepy - do keep pushing the GP visit & emphasising how worried you are about his health. As I said up thread, my DH recently took control himself & lost 2.5 stone & that was the trigger.

I was actually pretty ruthless, to the point of emotional blackmail, but it was genuine fear on my part. I was in tears worrying about his health & how we would cope if anything happened to him - it really gave him the reality check he needed.

The men in his family have a history of heart disease, so I was not being over dramatic. I just stopped putting a brave face on it and was open about my very real fears.

Once he had decided to take control, it was just a matter of changes to his diet. He feels so much better,inside and out, I cannot emphasise enough how much it is worth it.

sleepychunky Mon 16-Sep-13 11:25:17

Well when he got back from work this morning I said to him that I wanted him to make a GP appointment, mainly because of the unexplained sickness. I told him that I'd been looking at possible reasons and that I felt he needed to talk to a professional. He said "Let me work on a change of diet before I do that and see if it makes a difference" so already things are happening smile

Does he have a clue about nutrition? I only ask because a Caesar salad, although it is called salad, isn't much better calories and fat wise than a burger or similar. And as garlic says bingeing like that on a whole trifle or packet of biscuits is disordered eating behaviour. So I'm wondering whether he might be a binge/starve type who doesn't really know how to fuel himself properly.
I suggest, if you get to the point with him, inputting his data to my fitness pal so you can see his target calories, fat, carb and protein intake and he can have something easy to u dear stand that will help him plan his food. He should have plenty of wiggle room for 'treats' but they should be planned and built in to the day.

UtterflyButterfly Mon 16-Sep-13 11:54:34

I'd still try to get him to see the GP. My DH was always half-heartedly trying to lose weight, but not succeeding, until a routine blood test showed he had Type 2 diabetes. It was just the kick up the backside he needed (a blessing in disguise really), and now he's lost 3 stones and feels 10 times better.

If he does have some kind of health problem, surely it's much better to find out now, so he knows what kind of health/diet regime he should be on?

TwoStepsBeyond Mon 16-Sep-13 11:57:39

Could you get him to have a look at the low carb threads on here, I find that its much easier to feel full and satisfied on low carb diets.

If he likes Ceasar salad that would be perfect for him, he can probably get an all day breakfast somewhere at work (minus the beans/toast) and he can also have low cal jelly with cream to satisfy his trifle urges! Its well worth looking into (although probably not discussing it with his GP as it is still quite contraversial for some people, despite the success many have had with low carbing).

garlicbaguette Mon 16-Sep-13 15:03:46

Personally, I wouldn't think low-carb suitable for this person. He's a big man, doing hard work, so his energy needs are astronomically higher than an average woman trying to be thin. The last thing you want is to be pushing him into ketosis - that will make him a heart-attack risk!

It might be healthier to combine the high-protein principle with low-GI carbs. This means, essentially, choosing the less processed starchy foods - skin-on potatoes, wholegrain bread, unrefined sugar, and so on. If he starts the day (and precedes work) with a nice big plate of meat & veg, then snacks on fruit, veg, and home-made flapjacks, he'll be keeping his metabolism ticking over and hopefully not be starving at the end of the day. If he still is starving - and if it's not caused by illness - the answer is to eat more 'real food' earlier on, and probably with more butter smile

Bumpstarter Mon 16-Sep-13 22:01:37

Garlic baguette, your diet advice sounds brilliant to me!

garlicbaguette Mon 16-Sep-13 23:16:52

Thank you grin One (the only) benefit of having recovered from an eating disorder ... Advanced knowledge of nutrition & eating plans. I bet the healthiest eaters in the Western world are the ones who've been treated for terminally unhealthy eating sad

foreverondiet Mon 16-Sep-13 23:22:54

My personal view is that its important for both partners to maintain their appearance / grooming etc to remain attractive - so that includes weight. However its likely to be a touchy subject. My DH and I have discussed that I don't find overweight people attractive - and when I was overweight post pregnancy I often told my DH that I was a bit repulsed by myself.

So I guess I don't know the answer, but it does sound as though he putting his health at risk.

garlicbaguette Tue 17-Sep-13 01:22:37

This always interests me, forever. How do you and your husband feel about the sexual attractiveness of chronically sick people, and of old people? Do you expect to spend two or three decades of your life together feeling repulsed by yourselves and each other?

I mentioned above that I had a very fat boyfriend for a while - he must have been well over 20 stone, and still is. Although I was a very slim fitness freak at the time, his body weight, shape & size didn't bother me until I started going off him for other reasons. Surely this is how love usually works - we overlook a partner's imperfections, because no human is perfect, until the overall package becomes unacceptable? If not, only perfect couples would stay in love, and that's clearly untrue.

Sorry for the diversion, sleepy.

Darkesteyes Tue 17-Sep-13 02:03:01

<claps garlic> my ex OM had a bit of a belly but it didnt matter at all There was an amazing sexual chemistry between us that was electric. As in your case things between us didnt work out for other reasons.

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