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Please help me get through today.(143 Posts)
I found out at about half four this morning that my H has been cheating with a woman he works with. Been suspicious for a few weeks, so checked his phone and there a delightful pic of her in a very gymnastic pose. He owned up pretty swiftly, probably because it was early hours and he'd woken up and realised both me and the phone were missing. Swears blind no sex, yeah yeah bullshit bullshit.
This has happened before, I found out just after ds was born and I chose to stay and work on it. I feel so fucking stupid.
We have to go to a wedding today. There is no way out of it. DC's have a lovely day out and sleepover with my mil and I don't want them to miss out. I don't know how to hold it together watching two very close mutual friends get married, in a church full of mutual friends. He has taken the dc out fora walk this morning to give me some space, but I can just see the day lasting forever. I have had two hours sleep, keep bursting into tears and just don't know what to do.
He's moving out tomorrow, our marriage is over, I am completely overwhelmed by the fallout to come. I feel lost.
Do you have a close friend or sister who could go to the wedding with you? Say DH is ill and it's just tough shit to him if he doesn't want to miss it.
All close friends will be there already, my sister lives hundreds of miles away. There really isn't any decent excuse to justify us missing it, like I say the couple are mutual friends. I think we will have to leave early and thank god the dc are away overnight so he can sleep in one of their rooms. I'm sorry, I know this is very disjointed and erratic but I'm in a bit of a mess.
Why put yourself through that? (I did something similar and still kick myself about it).
If you want to go, go, bring a gooooooood friend, fill them in, get a little squiffy and throw him and his cr*p out of your head for a day.
Or if it's his thing, let him go alone, let him lie to the friends, and spend the day packing his stuff while kids are away having fun.
No-one will judge you for not showing up today.
If the couple are friends, they will understand it must be something serious if you pull out of attending. You don't have to go into details... say you're unwell or something like that. Having attended my DB's wedding not long after my own marriage broke up and having to keep my emotions so artificially in check, it was a horrible experience that in hindsight I would not repeat.
Tell the happy couple the truth at a later date.
Agree... There will be lots more people there. You not being there won't ruin their day. There's never enough time at weddings for the bride and groom to speak to everyone anyway. Have a quiet word with your sister or someone you trust.
This is the time to feign severe food poisoning or another debilitating illness that comes on suddenly.
In the future you can be honest, but for now thx bride & groom don't need to know the truth as you don't want their day overshadowed (please don't take that as harsh as it sounds).
I'm so sorry this has happened x
Put yourself first.
You are in no fit state for you to go and try to put a brave face on at a wedding the day yours falls apart. It is far better you do not go to this wedding and bawl your eyes out, get drunk, argue, fight, have an atmosphere at your table with your H than go and do any of that.
If they are really good friends they will understand.
Let your kids go and have their day out and spend sometime on your own or with a close friend you can call round.
U ok FFF?
Definitely don't go. You're going to be distressed enough as it is. What if you can't hold it together during the service? You'll feel awful.
As has been said, good friends would more than understand why you didn't make it.
All you have to do is contact another guest, ask them to send your apologies to the bride and groom, and that you'll explain to them what has happened when you are able, or something like that.
I wouldn't want a friend of mine to sit through my wedding devastated and feeling like shit. In fact I'd probably be a bit upset that they felt they still had to attend after something so serious has happened.
Be kind to yourself, don't put yourself through it.
Oh god thank you all, am crying again now. I really can't go, can I? I hate him. He's obviously feeling very sorry for himself and I think he wants me to feel sorry for him too. Not spoken to anyone yet, but I need to, to make it real if that makes sense. I don't know what to tell dc, they are 2 and nearly 4. I don't know how I will manage financially. I am scared of disappointing my family. I didn't want this for my children. I am absolutely certain its over and he'll be out the door tomorrow but the consequences are terrifying.
Sweety, be kind to yourself! I don't think anyone could be expected to pull off attending a wedding the same say as finding out they'd been cheated on!
What if you can't hold it together? (almost certain) you run the risk of ruining their big day. You'd never forgive yourself for that.
Food poisoning, and the truth later, well after they've come back from honeymoon.
They will understand. Anyone would understand.
You don't need to tell kids anything today. Send them for their day out as planned. Get Mr MeMeMe out of the house so you can get some clear thinking and breathing space. You don't need to sort everything out today. Advise you not to talk to him. He will make you more confused and stressed. You probably know enough for now. Spend time with a friend instead if there's someone about.
" I am scared of disappointing my family."
If your family decide you are the disappointment because your husband shags around then they're not much of a family. If one of your own DCs came to you in the future and said 'Mum, my partner's been cheating and we're splitting up' would you say 'I'm so disappointed in you'? Would you tell them to stay together? Or would you say 'what help do you need?'
Your DCs are too small to know anything other than Dad's going away for a while. Get your family and friends close and stay strong.
No, I wouldn't ever forgive myself if any of this impacted on their day. I am tempted to go by myself but I have a big gob when pissed so not a good plan really. I think food poisoning may be the way forward.
Thank you all again. I will be staying on here if thats ok, have always thought this board was ace.
Didnt want to read & run. So sorry he's done this FF. I can't imagine.
Yeah, if I were in your shoes Id definitely be a liability at a wedding - too much booze & all those hearts & flowers... The couple will absolutely understand.
Is there someone you can be with today?
And your OH is disgusting. Don't give his self pity and guilt a second thought, he deserves to feel like shit.
If you go, go without him.
If you can't face it, and you don't have to, send him and make your excuses.
While he's gone pack his shit. This half honestly business is part of the script. I'd put money on them having sex and he doesn't deserve you.
Don't let him sleep in th children's room. Tell him he's out. Today. And fuck him if he has to sleep rough. He did this. Not you.
He's feeling sorry for himself....diddums.
He wasnt feeling sorry when he was taking gymnastics lessons was he?
Pause on telling kids anything until you've got your head sorted; he can be gone for work, or out late or 100 other reasons why dads are not at home at bedtime.
Financially, it'll take work to sort it out. Any chance he might drain your accounts now you've discovered it?
''I am scared of disappointing my family''....now is not the time to get into family dynamics but if they are anything less than knocking your door in with offers of help, then deal with them later.
''I didn't want this for my children''....you didnt choose this for them, he did. Silly boy. You are actually doing them a great service in letting them see that this is not how partners treat each other.
It is terrifying, I wont minimse it. But you can and will get through this.
Ok so he's come back and admitted more, still denying sex (bollocks) but that he feels strongly for her, doesn't love me anymore. Have slung him out. He's gone to his mums, will pick kids up later and they can still have their sleepover. I am going to ring my mum, most likely sob all over her and then pull myself together and try and get to my friends wedding. Have given another friend the heads up, and spoken to my sister. So it's all really happening now. Deep breaths.
I'm sure my family won't be disappointed in me, but its just that nagging feeling people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle.
"people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle"
people will wonder why you settled for a guy who will go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle.
those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter.
You are a brave and strong lady. Chin up, he doesnt deserve you.
If you are going to go ahead with the wedding, good luck.
This is really hideous, so sorry for you. Well done for telling your family and some friends so they can offer support. Think carefully about whether a wedding is really the best place for you to be dealing with this today, though. There are always all those superficial conversations about how you and your family are - can you really face either telling people or pretending all normal?
Take care of yourself.
"people will wonder what I did to make him go off with a girl who poses for photos of her spreading her legs in a toilet cubicle."
Being too preoccupied wondering what others are thinking is a fast-track to the nuthouse. They'll only know the gory details if you tell them (which I'm sure you won't) and, even then, the reaction is more likely to be one of shock and sympathy rather than making any kind of judgement about you.
This is not your fault. Sending you support and .
I don't know if I'll make the wedding tbh. My mum is coming over, he's taken the kids to his mum's house ao I have a bit of peace and quiet. My sister is travelling down tomorrow. He text ow first thing to tell her we were over. Apparently she is very sorry.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. From now on you have to put you and your DC first. Ask him to leave, he has made his decision and therefore needs to move out.
One thing at a time, but if you get WTC you need to ring them and start a single claim. If you rent you may get help with housing benefit. You can get your council tax reduced by 25%. You may be able to get your payments spread over 12 months instead if 10 too, some councils are doing that now, mine does.
Make sure you have details if all your finances including his pensions, life assurance, savings etc.
On Monday, make an appointment to see a solicitor and find out what you may be entitled to etc and if you know his salary you can go online and calculate CSA payments.
All these things will empower you go know that you can survive financially and that will be one thing off your mind.
You can feign illness today and then be honest with your friend when she gets back from honeymoon.
If you can find any proof of adultery, emails, Facebook etc then print it off so you can use it to divorce for adultery.
Look after yourself, try and eat something, just little and often.
Just remember that it is about you and your DC from now on. He will turn into somebody that you no longer recognise so be prepared for that.
He still is texting her. Bollocks she is very sorry and what the fuck is he doing telling you their convos? ignore him for now.
Sort out money. Sort out looking amazing at the wedding. Stay calm and sober and remember you haven't done anything wrong. You are very strong.
You will get through these dark hours and days although I know only too well how impossible it seems right now. Take care of yourself and be selfish if you need to. Sending you support and lots of sympathy.
Console yourself with the idea of saving that tasteful pic and forwarding it on to all your mutual friends at some future date, just as he's parading her about as his new girlfriend.
How are you doing this afternoon FF?
Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you. I promise that they won't think that you did anything, they will be sympathetic toward you.
Anyone who isn't, is a wanker of the highest order and needs booting the hell out of your life, got that?!
It'll be OK, you will be OK. You will get through this.
Hello, have got my mum round and she is being fab am about to have a much needed bath. The financial advice is just what I need, thank you. Will be trying to get off work on Monday at the very least. I have lots to do
Don't take him back this time (however much he pleads and grovels).
Look after yourself.
No advice I'm afraid but so touched by your posts... Just wanted to send you love & strength really xx
Been there, FF. You're getting great advice here. Especially about keeping busy with finding out financial stuff, appointment with solicitor, etc. etc. If you have gone to the wedding, I hope it wasn't too bad. All your friends and family will sympathise and tell you you've done the right thing. As for 'spread legs in a toilet cubicle', my oh my, she sounds one real classy lady! Definitely keep the photo for some sweet revenge later on ...
Mums are ace!
Buy yourself some flowers , eat nice food & make a plan later
She sounds lovely... second what has already been said about being careful about him crawling back sobbing about his 'mistake' and how Miss Cubicles Akimbo meant nothing...
And, people won't wonder what 'you did wrong'. Would you, if you heard this story? Wouldn't you just think 'Urgh, can't believe he turned out to be such a creep. Poor FF'?
Meanwhile, steal a march while he's wired at today's events and has his eye off the ball. Copies of all financial stuff, can you get into his accounts etc.? Move funds out of joint account. Others will have good advice here! Give him the shock of his life while he's expecting you to still be in shock and crying.
Most of all, CONGRATULATIONS. You've got rid of a real pig, and I would bet a substantial sum that you're going to be the one smiling into the future here. While he's just about to find out how unpleasant it is starting a new relationship where the only solid thing the two protagonists know about one another is that they're both filthy cheats at heart. Mmmm, what a love story!!!!
Glad to hear your mum is there and that he has gone.
Sounds like you have a great family there - one McDad will miss once gymnastic slapper has dumped his sorry arse.
God what absymal timing, not that it's ever good but still.
In your place, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I had troubles going to weddings in the year following my split with ex-fiancé - I couldn't have done it on the actual day after!!
You are being very strong. Good for you and step by step even though this is all overwhelming.
You must be running on empty!!
Or!! Running on the anger of having to go all through this
I hope you got through today ok OP. Keep us updated on how you're doing.
Today was ok. Very tired. Will update tomorrow. He ia still a cunt.
Good to hear from you. Did you go in the end? Did he?
Hope you do update, was thinking about you.
Hope you're bearing up. Sending you a and un-MN hug.
Hope you got some sleep last night.
Hello, yes I went to the wedding, got through with my lovely friend holding my hand, literally! Just about coped with the reception until speeches but crying then is acceptable I think! He didn't show but he's clearly been in the house. I absolutely lost it when I got home and properly broke down and text him to say this isn't his home anymore and he has to ask me before he comes. I'm off to collect the kids from mil soon, she's been in touch about them not him which makes me wonder where he is...
What do you think your mother-in-law knows, and what do you plan on telling her, if anything?
entitledto.co.uk will tell you what you can claim in tax credits etc.
Seeing a lawyer stat may be wise. Do you have any divorced friends/colleagues who could advise?
Final recommendation: read Nora Ephron's 'Heartburn'. It's the roughly autobiographical story of how Carl Bernstein (watergate guy) left her when she was seven months pregnant for another woman. It's very very funny (she also wrote when Harry met Sally) and a guide to getting through this shit with your head held high.
Mil apparently knows about ow, not about previous though. DC home now, they seem ok at the mo. He was there but I didn't speak to him. I think he's detached himself now he went from wanting to make things work to not loving me and wanting her within a matter of hours, so I'm not featuring very highly in his thoughts now. I can handle this but I hope it doesn't filter down to the children.
Today we are going to lounge around until my sister arrives. Tomorrow is the day of action. I am running on caffeine nicotine and adrenalin now and I know a crash is inevitable but hopefully will have got some stuff sorted before then. I need to detach a bit myself and I do feel a little like I am playing a part in a film, but todayI feel more sad than angry which is not good.
And back to angry. He's with her today. Didn't waste much time eh.
What a twat. You will find you are well rid, FF.
fool you once and all of that. Is this the same OW as the first one
or is she another unsuspecting idiot ?
No, he wouldn't. Once they check out of the marriage/relationship, they move on remarkably quickly with nary a backwards glance in many cases.
You will now be portrayed as some unreasonable harridan, he will be the poor, misunderstood browbeaten one. He will rewrite history ASAP - if you were to meet him in the pub in a week's time (disguised) and he told you his story, you wouldn't recognise it as being the one you're living through.
Am very sorry that you're going through this - but in a while you'll hopefully realise you're better off without him in many ways. Not all, but many.
(((hugs))) and strength to you. xx
I'm struggling to rein it in at the moment. I know full well that letting him have both barrels will just reinforce the bitter mad ex image
although I am a bitter and mad ex right now but seriously? He's with her the next fucking day? I can't remember who said he would become someone I don't recognise but jesus that was on the ball!
This is a different ow, different scenario really it was all Internet based. This one is very much local and clearly the love of his life.
What a twat.
Do everything you can to protect yourself, your children, your finances etc and don't for one minute assume he will be fair about anything and do the right thing. If he does, a bonus. If not, you were prepared.
My plan is to make sure I can be financially independent of him. He was saying all the right things about money but I don't think that will last and I don't trust him to do the right thing. My friends are rallying round and I feel very lucky. And the bride clicked something was up and has been digging so she knows now and is also being lovely. I need to get through this day by day.
He was saying all the right things about money but I don't think that will last and I don't trust him to do the right thing.
You do right.
I'm lost about the number of women he's had on the go.
I need to get through this day by day.
I hope you continue to get the support you need here, for as long as you need it.
Absolutely you can NOT trust him an inch. To start with they have enough residual guilt to say that they will of course look after you, do anything to "make up for" the blow they've dished out to you - but that fades soon enough, especially if the OW has any input into it.
So - if you have a joint account, set up your own and decant the money into it before he can withdraw it. If you have separate accounts and access to his then go into it and screenshot how much his balance is before he can move the money and "cry poor".
Try and protect and lock down everything you can as soon as you can. Don't give him an inch. It's awful, but as you already don't trust him, you're already in a good place to realise he's going to be completely shit.
Always expect the worst from him from now on - and if he doesn't live down to it, then it's a nice surprise.
Remember this - the man you were married to has gone - he has been replaced by someone who looks the same but who is now able to show all hist least attractive attributes to you, because he no longer cares how you feel about him.
Is this the same OW as the first one or is she another unsuspecting idiot ?
I thought that was a bit unkind.
This gets worse. Saw mil before, she's very upset and we had a nice chat and a hug, but she said that ds had a nightmare and was very upset in the night, she had gone in to cuddle him, not his dad. He wasn't there, was he? I despise him for doing this to them.
They always do say the right things at the beginning until they realise you aren't going to roll over and get back in line and/or he can't fund his new shiny girlfriend and love nest.
He could have been there but couldn't be arsed to comfort his son .
What a FW. Well done getting through the wedding.
You are a strong woman and you will get through this.
You are all being amazing and it's helping me so much. Thank you.
I am tired again now but family arriving soon. It's ds birthday on Tuesday, h meant to be getting his present tomorrow. Do I remind him? I'm waiting for him to make the move regarding seeing ds on the day. Not spoonfeeding him. He needs to take the initiative I think.
It was me who said he will turn into someone who you no longer recognise They just walk out and check out and that's that as far as they are concerned. He will become selfish and it will all be about him.
Financially, don't trust a word he says. My XH said he would continue to pay in what he always had. I knew he couldn't afford that and sure enough it lasted a month, then he cut back. He cut that back again six months later when he moved out of his mates and into rented.
All you will be legally entitled to from him is CSA based maintenance. He may be responsible for half the mortgage but it doesn't mean he's going to pay it, mine didn't.
Your poor DS. This makes me so angry. Your STBXH really is a shit.
Think you're being fab. Would buy a gift in case fuckface forgets - because let's face it, he seems to have forgotten what family means...
I'd be pretending he no longer existed and would be buying the gift myself , from Mummy only.
Don't leave it to chance. Can you afford to buy the gift yourself? If you can, then do, but just in case exh does remember, it might be as well to let him know so ds doesn't get the same thing twice.
These early days are tough, and full of hard decisions like that. Next year it'll be a doddle though.
Your DS will be fine. Kids have nightmares all the time and he will get over any shock of the uncertainty and change. Don't let anyone, including your MIL, pile guilt on you about any if this.
Similar thing happened to my mum, and that was nearly 36 years ago. I was about four maybe younger.
My mum would try and protect me if Dad didn't do such and such. Like turn up and see me when he was supposed to etc but after awhile she just let me see what my Dad was up to and in the end it was me who articulated in my own preschool way to my Dad why he would let me down.
I know you can't trust him, and at the moment he can not see the wood from the trees. And there is probably nothing you can do, like threatening that he can't see he's children (mum did that) and it still won't move him. It's established that he is an utter selfish bee-tard. So all you can do is get on with sorting your life and your children and in the background see if your XH will ever man up and grow up and be there for your children.
Saw my Dad yesterday, see him all the time. After everything that I have been through with him I began to see that no one c
No one can change him, I just needed to change the way I was with him. In the future your children will be fine because you will be their rock, and their heart just like my mum was and is
Hello, I haven't abandoned this thread and will update properly later I promise! Been very busy today ans surprise surprise I've had some major fuck wittery from him so I am just about holding it together but oh so close to losing it. Tax credits ans housing benefit are in the process of being sorted and I am off work all week thank god. Things are moving on.
Well done FF, sounds as though you're staying in control.
Well done getting all that sorted.
You're doing great.
You're doing great!
He's a bastard.
Well done. This happened to my mum 3 years ago only difference being we were all older. We have no relationship now as he has completely changed all my lovely childhood memories are tainted. But my mum is now married to a lovely man ans happier than than she's ever been. Good luck ff
get legal advice asap
Legal Aid & Citizens Advice have been cut
Right, I have fired up my ancient laptop so hopefully this will be easier to keep up this thread as otherwise am on my phone which is really annoying.
So...he was out with her on Saturday night, but apparently didn't stay out all night so doesn't see why that was a problem I have made it VERY clear that when the DC are with him it does not mean he can leave them with his mum and go off on the piss with Toilet Knickers. He has already asked me when the kids can meet her - he was met with a stunned silence then I kind of stuttered about 6 months, I don't really expect them to last that long but if they do I will be better prepared to deal with it by then.
DS birthday went ok, he's had them for a couple of hours this morning and they'll be staying with him Friday/Saturday so that gives me a chance to go and see my lovely friend.
My sister leaves tomorrow but my mum will be over in the evening and other friends on Thursday evening so am being well looked after! Its the evenings I am dreading really.
HB application and Tax Credits are on the way, unfortunately this means that I will have no payments until the new claim kicks in, so I need to speak to the nursery as they ask for fees weekly. I get paid next week luckily, although that usually all goes on the rent so hopefully I will have a HB result before the next rent is due (4 weeks). He will be giving me a weekly amount, but no idea what yet. He only really earns NMW so I really don't know how much to ask for. I have told him I am prepared to go down the CSA route if he pisses about with money. Also all the bills that are currently in his name will remain so until I am more sorted. And I'm getting him off the tenancy agreement.
It's been a busy couple of days! I cannot believe its only Tuesday. All this activity is certainly keeping me going but I'm trying to ignore the emotional annihilation, not always successfully. I have changed his name to 'Cunt' on my phone which is childish but makes me snigger every time he rings or texts and have bought lots of fabulous underwear from Primark which I intend to leave out on the dryers 'accidentally'.
I want to get as much done as possible before I start unravelling. I am struggling to stay still at the moment.
The adrenalin from the shock is probably keeping you going right now. And you're absolutely right to capitalise on it!
Glad to hear you've people around.
Just remember to let yourself feel upset/angry/grieved or whatever too. Look after your emotions!
I'm not saying you should fall apart but nobody would expect you to be superwoman right now! Once everything is sorted, concentrate on you.
This arsehole has no idea what he had!
You're doing great fuschia. What a week, eh?
Bloody hell! Wants the kids to meet her already? they have such a selfish father. Silly fucker thinks you don't realise people can fuck in the day so don't need to sleep in the same bed "all night."
You are doing great .
It's less than a WEEK and this wanker wants to introduce some loose knickered bint to his kids?
Fucking twatty man, he just wants to get the kids thing out of the way so that he can fuck this prize cow while they are on contact visits.
heaven forfend he goes without getting his end away for a night.
tell him that you won't allow him access himself if he is even thinking that is remotely appropriate.
Tell him to ask around, ask his family, his mum and the NSPCC to see if they think that is a good idea.
This website might help you to calculate the maintenance and if he disagrees, then go through them and they can take it out of his wages.
Regarding bills, as and when you can face it, make sure that you are getting the best deals for phone, tv, electric etc and get everything onto monthly direct debit if it isn't already. it will help you to budget.
Another great help is
It is a spreadsheet devised by Martin Lewis the Money Saving Expert and it helps you to work out your weekly/monthly costs for everything, including annual things like car tax.
I put Twunt into my phone as I no longer wished to see his name coming up. I will have to change it soon as DD is learning to read .
I agree on the contact thing with OW, it needs to be done properly and not for a good while yet. Your DC need to get used to the situation before he just brings her into it.
I am a shivering ball of rage today, I am on my own withthe dc and uunravelling fast. They are playing up massively and I have screamed at them. I hate him I hate him he is oblivious to the hell we are all in and is purely concerned with his new gf. He's not bothered to inform his family so I have dealt with the phone calls from fil and just about managed to not give him the gory details.
I am being polite and concerned with mil but I am sure he's given her a bullshit story whuch blames me ao I don't know how much longer I can be dignified and keep the moral high ground because I want to twist his fucking balls off.
Don't keep his dirty little secrets from his parents. Call them and say exactly what has gone one. You have done nothing wrong!
Tell his parents. Do not protect him!
Try to keep from taking it out on your DC. Can you get a friend or anyone to look after them this eve/later so you can do something physical (short of twisting his balls off?)? Kickboxing, running, swimming? You need to get that aggression and anger out somehow - it's adrenaline.
Channel your energy into building your life away from cuntface.
Do not protect him. Do not lie for him. Do fuck all for him.
I'm not taking it out on the dc, I am trying so hard not to shout at them and to deal with their questions and the tantrums and the nightmares and the wailing for daddy I can't see an end to this.
I have a friend arriving any minute and two more coming tonight so help is on it's way. I feel useless that I can't manage this alone. He's got them tomorrow till Saturday and although it sounds nasty I bloody hope they play up for him and bombard him with questions because I don't know how long I can do this.
Sorry - I know what you mean. Hope I didn't offend.
Glad your friends are arriving soon. You must feel awful. Take up all offers of help and take some slow, deep breaths.
FF it is so hard for the children. I hate my ex for putting DD through this, it's the thing I despise him most for.
Draw on all the support you can to get through this. I went onto anti depressants as I was simy crying all the time and it wasnt fair on DD. go and see your doctor if you get to the point that you can't cope.
Meanwhile, if the DC push your buttons, just walk away from them and calm down, have a fag, cup of tea, whatever makes you feel better then try again.
Don't protect him to his family. If anyine rings then simply say that he doesn't live there any more, that he is seeing someone else and say where they can find him.
You will get through this.
Agree with others - stop protecting him.
Tell everyone who asks and give them the gory details as well.
He deserves to squirm and suffer after what he's done.
I cannot believe he's wanting OW to meet the kids already!
He really has no idea at all.
Keep going - it does get easier - I promise.
Take all the help you can get and pray that they play him up no end!
I agree with Hells tell every fucker who asks what happened, dont hold back, its not your shame to carry, its his and he can deal with it.
Say "Oh he cheated and immediately left to be with her, good luck to her"
Agree with others - say what ezio said but you might add - I found out when she sent a photo of herself spread legged in the loo. This should be an image they will retain forever.
Thank you all again, have calmed down now. London Ninja, I'm sorry, was feeling a tad on the defensive. I'm trying so hard to minimise the impact on the dc that the suggestion I might be damaging them was just unbearable.
So friend has been and gone. She actually cried when she saw how ds has been sorting their tea now and just trying to keep going till they are in bed ans other friends arrive. Then I think I might have a bloody massive cry.
Oh I am so very, very sorry - your pain just leaps out. What a total and utterly cruel bastard and it is chilling how very fast these men just kick the door shut behind them and move on.
If he has any conscience it will be in the deep freeze at the moment since he has now aligned himself totally with the OW and you are just an inconvenient truth. He can't even begin to comprehend your agony because he is suffering none himself due to being in his bubble affair world. You may not be up to reading at the moment, although I was so febrile I couldn't sleep and reading helped, but I found real insight about the mindset of the betraying partner and my own reactions through reading Shirley Glass's 'Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity' - has Kindle version.
Please do go to your GP; I put off getting AD's as I was determined that I would be strong and could cope. I spiralled down very quickly though, not helped by the fact that I was unable to eat, but only got AD's about three months after discovery of DH's affair. They were a real salvation and I wish I had done it sooner. RL support from three wonderful girlfriends kept me alive and I am glad you have some. Mine all deserved a medal for their endless patience, practical help and tolerance as I went through the baptism of fire that this is. Thinking of you. x
You have totally articulated my thoughts on how he is being perfectly. He is in another world and I don't know this person, or how to communicate with him. I want him to acknowlege and recognise the devastation he has left but at the moment I don't think he is capable of that. So it's a waste of my time trying, I know this but I also want to pop his bubble. I KNOW that a few weeks or months down the line the penny will drop. And I hopeby then I will be tough enough to tell him to do one.
I am struggling to eat. I feel sick all the time and lile I'm going to choke.
I didn't for one second think you are damaging your DC. Nooo. I'm with you all the way on this.
Any damage has been caused by that idiot who has gone off with Toilet Knickers Twat.
Have some soup or protein shakes. Keep hydrated. Small steps, FF. You'll get through this.
You know, telling his family and your mutual friends what happened will help pop his little bubble...
Thank you. I have had some posh pot noodle thing which is staying down at least for now DC have calmed down a bit now thank christ. I hate to say it but I am looking forward to some peace and quiet tomorrow.I am very very tired.
Fuschia - when I was in your position but thankfully for me without DC, I lived on sweet weak coffee and bananas for 4 weeks. I couldn't swallow anything else, could barely chew without gagging. I lost 1.5stone! Bananas area a very useful staple at times like this.
I also agree with telling the family the truth - they may not want to believe it but at least it will be out there. He certainly won't be telling them the truth, so they might as well hear it from someone.
And yes - you will have been sidelined in his brain into "I don't want to think about this" - because if he were to think about it, he might feel guilty and he won't want to feel guilty so he won't think about it. And then when he starts to think about it, he will find ways to justify what he's done to reduce the guilt - which will involve plenty of rewriting history and somehow it becoming almost entirely your fault - and what was the poor bloke then supposed to do?
It's a well-worn template. Still fucking annoying.
Haha, the stupid prick has just collected the dc and he's had his hair shaved into a mohican, he looks ridiculous. He also sniped at me because when he asked me where their toothbrushes were I said he could get his own and I assumed he would have already done so and he got all "there's no need to be like this" which IIignored. He's getting off lightly considering what I want to say to him. Urgh. Am off to clear out the rest of his stuff.
Oh god, he is having a crisis!
Well done for being strong in the face of such twatishness.
Enjoy some free time.
WTF, He is in seriously mid life crisis territory, he'll start wearing colour chinos next, this man is in for a serious fall.
De lurking to say you've handled this amazingly! I snorted at the new hair style I wonder if the new sports car will come next!?
I agree with everyone else, do not cover for him, even to his parents, if they ask tell them exactly what he's done!
Take care FF x
Looks like he's going to make it easy for you to tell him to do one after all.
Look, tell his parents everything. Really. If he's spinning them stories and painting you in a bad light - do you know who's really going to suffer? The DC. Don't allow a situation to develop where part of their family dynamic is not only that daddy and mummy aren't together, but that granny and grandad don't like mummy very much. They're going to support him no matter what - he's their son. So when they're with their dad their grandparents will be involved. It will be endlessly easier on the DC long-term if granny and grandad still visit their home, with mummy just like they always did, and if they see you and his parents in contact and friendly.
You are doing brilliantly, right now is the lowest hardest time, because it's all new and stressful. And the way he's acting has its upside: you are no doubt better off without this prick, and him showing clearly the extent to which he is a worthless partner and worthless member of your nuclear family will be very helpful in the future when he very probably comes crawling back. All you'll have to do is read this thread, and you'll be able to laugh in his face when he suggests that you might want to lumber yourself with his thirteen or so stone of slimebag again!
delurking to [snort] at his haircut. mid-life-crisis-wanker.
my XP left me and three DCs aged under 5 to be with OW - he lied to his parents, saying that I had had a ONS ( I did, about 6 weeks after I found out he's been shagging around on me and left) it eventually came out, because his story didn't match with what I had casually dropped into a conversation one day. they apologised and have been incredibly supportive over the last 13 years. I don't have parents and I regard them as my mum and dad.
You're being incredibly strong OP - i know it's really difficult right now to organise everything and make those changes and keep on track for DCs - when you feel like having a massive dob or staying in bed forever - but you are doing a brilliant job. he's a fucking twat.
Honestly, it's so predictable! He is such a cliché. Of course, he has a 23 year old gf to keep up with now. I'm not covering for him, if his mum gets arsy I'll simply fill her in and if his dad calls again I'll tell him too. I did a couple of his mates at the wedding who were horrified, and when I mentioned it to him he got all confused and hurt little boy as to why he might have lost some friends. He just doesn't get it!
31 seems early for a mid life crisis doesn't it?! He really is making this easier for me. I wouldn't want this man back, and the man I knew and loved and married is fading swiftly into the past.
So the last of his stuff is almost bagged up and ready to go. How long should I give him before I take it to the tip?
A mohican? Sad twat. That is all.
PS: stuff all his crap into black bags and leave them in the garden at a specific time so he can get them and take them away.
I did tell a couple of his mates, please excuse typo!
Its all in bin liners. Cheap ones. They have ripped already
Give him till 2pm tomorrow or it goes. That will give him enough time to sort his hair out and plait his pubes.
Haha, it's insane but hilarious. What. A. Wanker.
good. tell anyone who asks, even if they just ask how he is. you do not have to protect his reputation. he has to face up to the results of his actions.
As for the bags, he can take them when he drops off the dc. If he doesn't take his stuff, bin it.
But a Mohican! At 31! FFS.
What next? Skinny jeans half way down his backside and a skateboard covered in graffiti? The prick.
Op, you are one classy lady. I'm about four weeks further down the same miserable road as you (and about twenty years older!) but I am in awe of your strength and maturity; if your kids take after you then they will be just fine. Hugs to you and your babies.
Second merlincats awe you are incredible Op. I went through similar last August, compulsive liar, borderline bisexual, downright lazy twunt. But the thing that hurt the most was how he dealt/deals with our DD. He is an unbearable argumentative disgrace of a "man" and has behaved appallingly over the past 12 months. He also turned into a teenager and introduced our DD to his new GF way too early, despite me asking him to communicate with me when he felt it was time to. I wish I was as strong as you, even now! Keep up the excellent work, you will get darker days, thats accepted, but on the whole you will feel so much better for it
Hello all, apologies for not updating for a while however not much new has happened since Haircut Day, and I've hit the utterly weary stage so at least I'm sleeping ok. I am still incredibly angry but to be honest my main feeling towards him at the moment are contempt and superiority, as mean as that sounds. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for him at the way he has behaved and continues to behave. I find the whole texts/dirty pics/affair so grubby and seedy it makes me feel sick.
I'm back in work tomorrow and hoping to last the day. I'm finding that when I've not got the dc with me is when I become a sobbing snotty mess, so god knows what state I'll be in tomorrow.
And this may be tmi sorry but I am really wanting sex! Not with him, obviously. I wonder if my body is trying to remind me that I Will Never Have Sex Again
Hi fushia ,
Also de lurking to wish you well and strength.
The not having sex but again , I can relate to that. I was so angry when Dh announced his affair, it felt like he not I had decided my sex life .
So, I ordered a vibrator on line and had it delivered to his work ( I always do as it has 24 desk , so no missed deliveries).
It helped me mentally to know his OW ( his PA) would also know I had a delivery too .
He rang me from work to tell me I had a parcel , he asked what it was - I told him ; his response was golden for me .
When he gave me it , he was SO awkward. I on the other hand was buoyant ....
Good luck .
After the mohican, I would be expecting piercings......
I'm expecting a massive tattoo of ow at some point. I'm also half convinced she'll be pregnant by the end of the year if they are still together. He's due any min to collect dc and I feel sick. Oh well, Downton Abbey to look forward to later!
Hope the handover went well fuschia. I imagine he was wearing new and 'fashionable' clothes!
Handover was fine, he came straight from work so no comedy clothes to cheer me up.
I have crashed, I think. The house is empty and I have nothing to do. I've come down to the beach and its beautiful but is making me very sad. What if he just didn't want me? He's had his fun. He seems content enough when he collects the dc. Maybe she was just a bit of a symptom and he hasn't actually loved me for ages and is happy to have been found out and be free. He didn't fight very hard for me. My pain is not important to him. I don't want him back. I want recognition from him of what he has done and the mess he has left. I want to stay angry because it's easier to work with, I don't want this torturing feeling of just not being good enough for him, when he has shown himself to be such a nasty sod. What does that say about me?
You've had a massive shock - it's not been ten days yet since it all imploded- I'm not surprised your feelings are all over the place. You've been v strong.
A bit of recognition or remorse from him would be satisfying but I wouldn't count on him showing you that now. He is still in fantasy land, nothing you say or do can prick that bubble but it will be pricked one day.
You'll go on to better things, he'll always be a twat- with or without Mohican.
I have been following your thread, and although I have not been though your experience, I think you are coping extremely well.
Honestly it really isn't about you 'not being good enough'! It is about his choices! His decisions! You had no say in this
I have been on MN long enough to know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel.... blimey my tunnel went on for over ten years at least, with so many twists and turns, when the light appeared I was momentarily blinded Just take all the help you need/can get. It will get better.
What you are feeling is natural, a sense of rejection, why wasnt I good enough, why did it go wrong, why doesn't he love me... Wanting to make sense if it all, wanting answers, wanting the bastard to just see what he has done to you and the DC..... Everybody in your situation has been there, including me....
Truth is, you are everything that he isn't. Sensitive, honest, decent, caring.
Hold into that and remind yourself that if you met him now, would you want to know a man like that, who can treat a woman like that? The man you thought he was has gone.
Hi again. So I managed the morning at work. Back home now and trying to pull myself together before I collect the dc from his after tea. I have missed them enormously. I think I will try and get a gp appt this week as the depths of misery I sank to last night actually scared me I can't risk getting into that state again. I ended up going to see my dad last night which was nice. He did the same to my mum many years ago so he doesn't really know what to say to me but he bought me a glass of wine and let me rant/cry which is what I needed.
Work have been lovely but don't they don't think I should be in. I am so very low at the moment that putting one foot in front of the other is a struggle. I need him to do something twattish again so the rage comes back!
FF you are epic - what an utterly shitty shit thing to happen. GP could also refer you to a counsellor - would be so useful to explore those normal feelings attached to this kind of rejection. BUt you might need help to get things straight in your head. This is not about your shortcomings but all about this. It really messes with your head and makes you feel unbelievably shitty. Is so unfair that you have to be 'strong' but you do. Womens lot.
If you feel like that, then do go and see the doctor and get some anti d's. I had to do it as I just couldn't function on a daily basis without crying and shaking all the time and I wasn't eating anything.
My doctor describes anti d's as "a pair of armbands" helping to keep you afloat while you need them and once you learn to swim on your own again, then you can stop taking them.
This is all normal. Really it is.
I spent weeks/months just finding little corners and tucking my knees into my chest and crying for hours on end.
But these dark times do get lesser and the crying fits get fewer a further between.
You will go through so many emotions and crying really helped me.
Try to be kind to yourself and stop trying to figure him or what he did out. You won't do it and you'll go half insane trying!
Just understand that he is a twat - that is all you need to know.
Try to eat and drink. For me it was sugary tea and home made OJ ice lollies. Bananas are good and smoothies will be your friend for a while while you stomach settles and stops twisting so much.
You've been brilliant so far and it does get better. But it will take time so don't expect to be right as rain tomorrow. It's not going to happen.
But you will put on the brave face when needed and you can cry and scream and run and walk when you need to as well.
Take all the help and support you can get.
Keep going - trust us all who have been there - it does get better!
My love, these feelings are normal, they really are, and you CAN survive this. Remember that this is a devastating thing to happen to anyone, and the feelings associated will be brutal.
If you find that you are overwhelmed all the time, then a little medication will help you even that out a bit, but try to remember that this is a spectacularly shitty thing to go through, it's supposed to hurt, you're supposed to feel shit.
You don't deserve to, which will make you feel indignant and want to rage, but again, All of that is absolutely justified.
You really are doing well, even if you don't feel it yet.
It's got Sweet FA to do with you. It's all in his bullshit, selfish, pre midlife crisis, I think I am 25 years old mind!
Go for a run and listen to songs like alanis morresett you outta know!! Katy perry roar.... Oooooh I am trying to think of more songs.
You will go through waves of different emotions but never ever think that you had any say in this because he is the one that has taken the future that you quite rightly you thought you had away from you.
So song it loud "I am here to remind you of mess that you left when you went away.
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know!!!
Hello, so it's been a while. ..I am currently signed off work and been put on AD's. H veers between acting like a sulky teenager or being patronisingly 'concerned' about me. He's been round today to 'check' I am ok, I ended up telling him exactly how I am, still no fucking apology, he admits he 'handled things badly' but still denies having sex before I found out. He is definitely with her now.
How can he think I would want to talk to him about how miserable I am when its all his doing? It felt like he wants me to tell him to give him some weird kind of kick. He doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong.
I don't want him back. I really don't. But I want to see some retribution for him, I want him to be on his fucking knees with exhaustion and unhappiness, I want to feel happy again.
And today is our wedding anniversary.
Best advice I had when I was in your situation was "never seek solace in the arms of the one who betrayed you"
He isn't your friend and he doesn't have your best interests in his heart. He is offloading his guilt. He will go away now and think to himself, well I offered to help, I was there for her.
And rest assured, he will get his rightful retribution. But by then, you will be healed and not give two figs.
I feel wretched and despairing and I understand this may be due to the AD's settling in but I cannot bear this, I hate him so much and I don't want to hate him I want to feel indifferent and detached. I am so tired. He has the dc till tomorrow now which is great for them and a break for me as they are driving me insane but I have no motivation to do anything other than keep going round in circles in my head. My dad is coming over tonight and I can't get myself together enough to get up and get organised.
Sounds awful FF. I would aim for "icy detachment" around him. I think there will be a comeuppance, it just might take a while and in my experience it comes along long after I have moved on.
Would it help for him to take on more time with the children?
You don't need to be organised. You just need to be. Give yourself permission to fall to pieces while your dc's are not around.
You have to go through this pain to come out the other side. You can't go round it or it won't go away.
It hurts like hell but you will get there.
FF. It takes a long time to feel indifference, but you will get there. I still haven't, but everybody is different. The harder you love the harder it is to deal with when it goes wrong. Look after yourself first and foremost .
My XH also said "I handled things badly". I also had the crap apology several months later in which he was remorseful, regretful and "I know what I did was wrong and I have to live with that". MY reply - Yes and so does your daughter!
It makes you feel better for about 5 minutes, but in reality it doesn't change anything.
You don't need his concern. My Xh said he would always care about me. I told him that was bollocks, because you don't treat somebody like that if you genuinely care about them!
Try and avoid any conversation with him if at all possible. Confide in your friends and family, but don't tell him. I
FF i really think you are coping amazingly well, despite what you think, I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through. He sounds like an utter wanker and at this stage, he will just be wrapped up in the "honeymoon" process of being with a new woman. That will soon wear off the stupid bastard.
I would stick with staying off work for now, when the DC are not around do have a good cry, no shame in having a cry.
TC ff. x
Thank you all again you are all very lovely and wise. He is seeing the dc very regularly now after not bothering with them for almost a week I tore a strip off him and although he initially got all defensive and ' I deserve a social life' he later increased his contact. I think at the very least the impact on the dc especially ds is getting through to him.
He also told me he's not been sleeping well and has no money, I think this is him trying to get me to feel sorry for him! Not happening mate!
I won't bother talking to him again unless it's about the dc. I stupidly let him come round because I thought he might actually want to apologise but it was all just about him trying to make out he has done nothing wrong and I think he wanted me to weep and wail and beg him to come home. Yet again, it's all about him and his ego.
Good God what a prize idiot he is. He doesn't seem to understand that spending tome with your children is a precious privilege, not a dreaded duty. If that's the way he sees it let him. In 20 years time his children will tell him what they think about it. Does he want contact with his grandchildren in the future?
Is he intellectually challenged?
"I deserve a social life" God he really is a prize prick isn't he? Still sounds completely wrapped up in his own new world and you're right, for his ego, which sounds like it needs a huge amount of massaging at the moment, he probably did expect you to beg and plead to boost himself. Prat! Keep it all about the kids and don't fall into his trap!
Ha, well one of the reasons I loved him was because he was clever and we loved discussing and analysing books and films and current affairs ( no pun intended ) and I always respected his intelligence. We were best friends and very close. I miss that part of him and this will sound utterly pathetic but even though he is being an obnoxious pig, it was weirdly comforting to have an actual conversation with him rather than just one word handovers. I realise this makes me sound very sad.
He is keeping up the increased contact at the moment but we'll see how long that lasts. Pretty much all his spare time is now with the dc, he works shifts as does Toilet Knickers so I can't see her being too chuffed with the situation. Unless he combines the two, at which point I will be apocalyptic in my rage.
I can understand you missing the conversations and the 'shared history'. Going forward, is there someone or somewhere else you can get that level of conversation, to replace that? That will make it easier to detach, I guess.
I think you are doing amazingly - it has been such a short time.
I'm sure you can substitute that conversation with someone else. Sure it takes time to get to know someone but he does not have a monopoly on intelligent conversation. Try meetup, a special interest website. Not a dating thing, but it's mainly London based.
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