Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Weird flirting situation, feel hypnotised by it

(75 Posts)
InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 17:13:24

NC sorry, embarrassed by this.

I made a complaint and went through to the wrong person (I’m a client). I was really outraged from Tunbridge Wells at the time, but we strangely bonded and I'm finding it really difficult. He’s one of those people who are soothing and mesmeric.

Over time it turned flirtatious and he persuaded me to see him, and said that he would waive the fee. The meeting was fine although I got stressed as I couldn’t focus and left abruptly. I think the genuine things he did which might make me think that he likes me were that he did get upset when I said I was leaning on him too much, but he said he wanted me to, and I could; he then asked me what I was doing next and I said I was seeing friends and he said ‘oh, I see’ in a disappointed voice, he followed me when I left and called after me and asked when he would hear from me again, I turned around and for a few seconds he either looked angry or upset.

A while after the meeting I phoned him and asked if I should see him again. He said it was up to me and sounded much more neutral than before. We agreed to meet up but I didn't go.

We’re both single, we have talked about personal matters, because sometimes I let my guard down and can’t help it, but I never let it progress beyond a few sentences and try to become brisk again. I feel angry about the complaint and get tetchy about progressing it because it’s got a bit muddled.

So, as I see it:
-We’re both attracted to each other, but perhaps only on a basic level on his side – he might revel in the attention
-I want a resolution to the complaint (it’s a fairly minor one but I feel strongly about it) but can't detach now, it's so frustrating
-I could theoretically try to be a bit more charming and get him to do what I want (he’s already said he will but I feel like that would be unethical – and I’m not charming!)
-He could be manipulating me to stop my complaint
-Or am I manipulating him?
-I can’t tell him I like him because I would find that mortifying

Head’s in a spin.

Nagoo Fri 13-Sep-13 17:24:00

How long until the complaint is resolved? He already said that he'll sort it out.

You sound like the most intense person in the world.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 13-Sep-13 17:25:24

I'm really sorry, but I don't understand any of that.

Hassled Fri 13-Sep-13 17:27:36

If it's going to happen, it will happen. You really are over-analysing this, and that could well come across as a bit mad/intense from his POV. Don't scare him off.

See the complaint thing through, and then just see what develops. Sounds like the ball is in his court.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 17:31:34

Nagoo, he said he'll sort it out when I state what I want but I'm not sure if this is ethical. I'm rubbish at flirting, complaining, and dither on ethical issues so it's like my worst nightmare with having them combined! I'm not usually so intense.

Katy summary is i tried to make a complaint, got far too attached to the person I complained to (which wasn't the right person in the first place) and now don't know how to resolve complaint because I'd have to see him again if I try to and don't know if I'm imagining the flirting.

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 17:40:49

Just be business-like and get your complaint resolved. I admit I'm having difficulty with the concept of getting attached to a person to whom you're making a complaint. It all sounds quite bizarre to me and not at all straightforward and professional.

Sorry for my lack of imagination in getting my head round your dilemma.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Sep-13 17:44:23

I think you're reading WAY too much into this. Get your complaint resolved and stop romanticising.

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Fri 13-Sep-13 17:51:06

My gut instinct is that this is entirely in your head.

booboobeedoo Fri 13-Sep-13 17:58:36

Can you explain the leaning thing, thats really confused me.
Thanks

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:01:13

Thanks - I do need to get the complaint resolved as I hate it hanging over my head. I'm really not imagining it entirely as he spent a few months convincing me to see him and things that he said - it could be because it's an ego boost, though, rather than anything else.

I need to detach and get it out of the way!

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 13-Sep-13 18:04:53

You sound a bit barking tbh.

Deal with the complaint politely and then if after that you still fancy him, ask him out - he can only say no.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:05:44

booboo...leaning...when we met he asked me to contact him again and I said something along the lines that we had been in contact too much and it was leaning on him (taking up his time and it's not really his area) but then he got cross and said no, he wanted me to.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 18:06:42

OP:

I'd resolve the complaint, make sure its done and dusted. stay businesslike all through this process. So that's out of the way.

then you can see if there's anything more. I do think there might be "something there" as in he could be flirting.

there's a difference between casual workplace flirting and "genuinely attracted to you"?

But you can only work this out after the complaint is resolved? If its resolved and you want to investigate the flirting side further, maybe drop him a Text message/e-mail saying "thanks for your help, do feel free to drop me a line if you ever fancy a coffee/drink." Then forget about it as you can do no more.

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 18:11:06

I believe you, OP.

You are in the spell of a narcissist. They are overwhelming--ly attractive-- at the beginning.

Give yourself a shake, wake up and get the hell out of there.

if you don't believe me, you WILL lose your Self.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:17:23

Sorry, it would be a lot clearer if I could state it but it's so identifying. I know it appears a bit muddled.

It wouldn't be right to start something, because of our respective situations. I do feel that he's interested in me because we had a slightly sexual call previously. I don't know if he actually likes me or if he's just getting some sort of kick out of it but it IS interfering with me getting the complaint resolution done and it's been going on for far too long now.

I need a slap around the head with a wet kipper to try to forget about it and get on with the complaint anyway so thanks!

*WellWobbly" that's a bit of a leap??

I have read some really sensible advice from you on other threads but am surprised that you can make such an assumption from so little slightly mad sounding information?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:22:21

Hey, stop calling me mad!! I have got REALLY muddled by the situation but I do genuinely want to resolve the complaint at least!

Gingerandcocoa Fri 13-Sep-13 18:24:03

you said you had been in touch for a few months?!?!

what kind of complaint is this!??!

where I work, if we get a customer complaint one of the key things is to ask the client what outcome they expect from the complaint - maybe that's what he means when he asks you to tell him what you want and he will resolve the complaint?

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 18:27:04

He's probably bemused that you don't just get on with it and resolve the complaint with him. He must wonder what on earth's going on if it's been months.

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 18:27:43

I can see "Wellwobblys" point...

I think there are a few people who actually "use" their position to target women in vulnerable situations, use the drama and emotions and the fact that there's some tension in the interaction to "get" women.

I was targeted by a copper I met when I was a teenager (we'd met in the course of his work). Can see he was a weirdo now but at the time would probably have written something like the OP!

I was instigating some contact - had his personal number etc - but the "ethical" thing for him to do would have been to think "trouble" and tell me to get some friends my own age!

OP, just out of interest, how have your interactions with men "generally" been? I mean I'm technically single now but not "lonely" if that makes sense? Are you lonely?

Also, I'm not sure, did the "flirtatious sexy" conversation occur before or after you met in person?

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 18:28:10

I genuinely cannot tell if the op is barking or this bloke is.

Whst is the context of the complaint? Is it about him in a professional capacity? If so his behaviour is outrageous. If he's just in customer services and has decided to hit on you well, I don't approve but worse happens.

Sorry "inane* - I did not mean to be rude but it does sound very confusing

ricecakesrule Fri 13-Sep-13 18:34:24

Can't you go to the person that would have been the right person to complain to? That way you can get the complaint resolved at least? I think you need to separate the 2 things. If he's still interested in seeing you once he's no longer dealing with the complaint then you know it's not about that iyswim.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 13-Sep-13 18:35:26

confused Where's the narcissism ?

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 13-Sep-13 18:35:32

confused Where's the narcissism ?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:36:46

Ginger it's been over a year. Something bad happened, which I get nervous enough about talking about already, dealt with by third party which is complaint. Not hugely serious but important to me.

Wasn't expecting to develop a strange relationship with the man i spoke to.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:39:36

Chub, honestly!!! I might be barking but I think it's just a bit vague and this whole thing sounds dafter than it is because I feel touchy about details.

Someone asked previously but I'm happy being single, not exactly looking, though I think I'd like to meet someone at some point.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 18:40:58

Is the complaint of a medical nature?

Could he get into trouble for forming a personal relationship with you?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:46:12

it's legal, I really want to get it out of the way now. Yes wouldn't reflect well on him, and he would be cautious, we've chatted a bit about background.

Please can I ask about trying to zone out personal feelings and be good at complaints? I'm finding this stressful and it's been going on for so long.

NorfolkIngWay Fri 13-Sep-13 18:47:29

So you went to him to complain formally a year ago and his response has been to flirt with you shock
It sounds like you are being manipulated.
Avoid him - send the complaint to his manager and do not have contact with him again.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 18:51:14

Are you the same poster that had a bizarre non relationship with a bloke in Australia

And the one before that

And the one before that

Ad nauseum

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:55:32

no, I can honestly say that I've never had a bizarre (or normal) relationship (or non relationship) with anyone from Australia.

most posts on here follow a pattern: e.g. cheating, flirtation, husband leaving etc etc. I don't like talking directly about mine as it's so identifying but it's just a slightly complicated flirting situation.

I think I would like to hear about how to deal with complaints dispassionately now or else I'll cry!

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 19:07:31

Thanks, Lurking.

Jaded and Katie the 'clue' is in the mesmerising. This is not normal. What narcissists do is give you full beam of how special you are and how wonderful everything will be in their amazing world. That then moves on to being quire exploitative, but that comes later....

So in a way the enticing into a super amazing life of their full beam attention is quite mesmerising.

Think about it. If they showed how selfish they were from the outset, they wouldn't get anywhere. So they hide it behind compelling charm.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 19:11:19

Do you HAVE to have contact with him in order to pursue the complaint? I'm assuming not as you said he wasn't the right person to complain to in the first place.

You have two issues and you can't really deal with them concurrently.

Deal with the complaint & get it out of the way without any contact with him.

Then when it's done, ask him out.

No one can really advise on how you deal with handling the complaint without some idea of what it's about, tbh.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:13:56

Thanks Wellwobbs that's interesting; I do find him completely compelling but thought that was just me. He also tried to tell me that I shouldn't be 'embarrassed or ashamed' (his words) about talking about anything though which i reacted quite angrily to and asked him why I should feel like that anyway?

I really don't think that he's a narcissist though, perhaps just a lot more socially manipulative/skilled or whatever you see it as than the next person. i just get cross at a lot of things.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:16:45

Alanna, no you're quite right; I think I was just surprised to suddenly stumble across someone who gave me their undivided attention at a time when I was really upset. And I hate to say this but i think he might actually do more for me than the person who should really do it. Not illegal but unethical, for sure.

HavantGuard Fri 13-Sep-13 19:20:17

Close your eyes. Visualise him. Now visualise his pants on top of the laundry basket with massive skid marks.

It's a good exercise to banish butterflies and bring you back to reality.

Llareggub Fri 13-Sep-13 19:20:41

Sorry, without more details I don't think you'll get an answer here. Has this happened in a work or personal capacity?

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 19:22:09

I'm getting more and more convinced this guy is a creep...

Also I'm guessing here...but if this is a legal issue, is he a solicitor senior to the actual designated complaints handler? Ask him to pass it back to them and let them deal with it.

If he refuses....then its
these or these you need.

runningforthebusinheels Fri 13-Sep-13 19:27:05

Is anyone else aware of your complaint, or dealing with it, OP? Or has it just 'stopped' at him?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:40:41

havantGuard never actually seen skids...it's not the huge deterrent for me that it might be for other people. He's pretty methodical anyway and would probably be the last person!

Llareggub personal, I guess, in professional capacity

Running I wondered that...I'm not sure. I think it might have stopped at him but I don't know.

I really will try to look into complaining and try to do this though (even if, scary thought, through someone else)

WayHarshTai Fri 13-Sep-13 19:44:11

OH god is it Janny man's boss?

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 19:50:36

OH god is it Janny man's boss?

Exactly what I was thinking.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:53:33

Who is Janny man...?

This is very much:

OP tries to write obtuse post/
EE (everyone else): you are mad!!/
OP: yes it's slightly weird but blah blah blah (defensively)/
EE: shut up, give details, justify/
OP: I'm getting nervous, please tell me how to deal with this in a detached manner/
EE: NO, give details/

I have a complaint phobia, this is very, very difficult for me, trying to complain then running slap bang into the first flirtatious phone call I have ever had. I'll sort it out, promise.

MsApprehension Fri 13-Sep-13 20:02:49

Curiouser and curiouser. Sorry OP, hope you get stuff sorted out but I'm none the wiser.

MsApprehension Fri 13-Sep-13 20:04:33

One suggestion: Communicate only in writing.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:06:01

Your complaint should be written & formal. Include in it what your expectations are for a resolution and that if they are not me you'll do x,y,z as your next step.

You don't have to talk in person to anyone, flirtatious or otherwise, and can demand everything in writing. If you need help with wording then I'm sure someone on here will help.

Your post is weird because it's morphed into something else.

JohnnyUtah Fri 13-Sep-13 20:09:33

How very odd

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:51

Alanna, do you honestly mean that my post has morphed into something else? E.g. what I said? I really DO find it very embarrassing that I find him so hypnotic. I find his voice is, but I get confused when we start a call and then talk about personal things. He did tell me he is single. I didn't ask him that. Then I wonder if I'm reading too much into that and he wasn't saying that because he is flirting?

keeping everything in writing is a really good idea.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 20:15:58

Irrespective of how odd the story is, I can't really tell without the details.
It is very odd that this guy persuaded you to meet up with him.

But it sounds like he's not really interested now, so if you are having a problem dealing with him, I'd see if you could transfer the case to someone else.

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 20:18:53

Just stop talking about personal things. You said that you went through to the wrong person when you made a complaint. So get through to the right person and make your complaint and/or put it in writing - once you know precisely who you should be addressing - be businesslike and get it resolved.

You said it's been a year. That's ludicrous isn't it?
I think you should, if possible, avoid dealing with this man, since he wasn't the right person to talk to in the first place and just get the complaint and its resolution over and done with.

Then get on with your life.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:21:14

Sorry, really sorry - but your posts ARE really peculiar. You made a complaint which went through to the wrong person, who persuaded you to see him & he'd waive the fee??? Since when do you have to pay a fee to complain about something?

Unless you're talking about someone that is, or will be, acting on your behalf while pursuing the claim? In which case, it's highly unethical and he must be some kind of sleezebag for leading you on like this. Why give headroom to a sleezebag?

If you are struggling to forward the complain because it's become befuddled by all the "flirting", ask to be referred elsewhere & pay a professional to do their job properly.

Either that or drop the whole thing and get on with your life.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 20:33:06

Alanna i tried to go somewhere else then broke down in tears because it's not correct...this was last year. I really want it corrected then I can move everything somewhere else. It's quite intensely personal and legal. He waived the fee for me seeing him.

Actually you'd probably all shout at me if I could elaborate on it. Things being what they are though I will try to do it in writing, THEN I can move on, if it's right. I feel a bit attached to him though.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:44:28

Look do you think you are mistaking professional concern (full attention, personal care etc sound like things I say to clients and I certainly don't have designs on any of them)? I find it really strange that your complaint is misdirected, someone offers to deal with it anyway and then hits on you.

Sometimes in organisations things do end up in the wrong place officially but by then the client has gone round and round the houses and the complaint is in danger of escalating. There are times that happens when a professional may decide to take ownership of the problem to endure it gets dealt with. Offering to meet with you - surely this was just at the office?

Either

He's a massive creep

Or

You are massively misunderstanding the situation and probably freaking him out.

Which do you think it is?

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:47:43

As a solicitor dealing with a sensitive area of practice I often reassure clients they shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm not trying to get in their pants when I do this and it's not because I want to be their BFF. It's because I need them to impart info to me which I will have heard a thousand times before, and which holds no shock value for me at all.

Gruntfuttock Fri 13-Sep-13 20:50:50

Yes, as I said earlier, he's probably wondering why the hell this has been going on for so long and wants to get it over with.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 20:55:42

When he asks you what you want etc I don't think he means regarding this grand passion you have imagined. He means regarding the issue he is trying to deal with for you. I'm certain of it.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:03:56

Chub he doesn't deal with clients - he told me I was his first and he found it weird as well!

We had ONE extremely flirtatious conversation a few months back and he asked me, during that call, to meet him. So we met.

Last time we spoke he told me a few very personal things and I was a bit thrown by that and after that I guess, in effect, stood him up the last time I was supposed to meet him. So what I'm trying to say is that it's not entirely neutral, i don't think he bangs his head against a brick wall after our every phone call, however he might just like the attention (I think he might be a bit lonely).

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:05:15

Without the context in which all this is occurring I can't fathom it out. I really can't.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:09:04

Chub he doesn't deal with clients

So where does all this "waiving the fee" come from then? He has a fee structure in place for non-existent clients?

Where did you meet him? In a pub or in his office?

TheLightPassenger Fri 13-Sep-13 21:10:06

Your gut instinct is this is weird and you feel hypnotised. Which doesn't sound like the stuff of a potentially great new relationship... Therefore metaphorically run for the hills - either try and get the complaint transferred to a more appropriate person, or correspond in writing only regarding the complaint.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:12:28

But I can't either - I don't know if he's taken it over inappropriately or if I should continue to deal with him. I'm trying to say that I get so het up about complaining anyway then having these sort of complications, entirely unexpectedly, is doing my head in. And not knowing the system and whether he's doing me a huge favour which he shouldn't be, or whether he's playing me a little.

I feel attached to him now though.

Thank you anyway, I've had a few head slaps and everything which does make me focus more on getting the DAMN COMPLAINT out of the way which is the most important thing. I will do The Complaint.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:14:03

If its a law firm write to the senior partner. If he is the senior partner refer to the ombudsman. If you are so uncomfortable you can't deal with him deal with someone else.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:14:23

Alanna, hah! There's a fee for firm services, he told me I wouldn't pay if I saw him.

Light, no, I really do feel a bit weird about him. I lose all sense of reason around him and can't concentrate, I do find him hypnotic. Not had it before so it's weird.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:20:16

OK. I see.

Are you sure he's qualified to help you then? It's not that you need a solicitor, got passed on to the cleaner accidentally & he said, "Pfff...I'll sort it out and you don't even need to pay me. Wink, wink"?

I'm joking, but maybe he doesn't see clients because he's not qualified to do so and/or it's not his job. In which case, this gets dodgier.

I think Chub is right. It seems likely that you've misread his intentions.

It would help if you explained whether he wanted you to come and meet him in his office (cleaning cupboard) or down the local pub. This would tell us a lot.

JetSetWilly Fri 13-Sep-13 21:20:43

How can he waive a fee for a meeting to resolve a complaint? Eh?

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:24:30

Dud he say he would waive the fee like he was doing you a favour or did the conversation go:

Him "please come in and see me so we can talk about this"
You "oh um I don't know, will you charge me?"
Him "no don't worry there's no fee"

I'm guessing really it was the latter.

TheLightPassenger Fri 13-Sep-13 21:26:59

I still can't quite figure out whether this guy is dodgy and unprofessional as hell or whether there has been a massive misunderstanding, but this situation seems massively unhealthy for you, inane, and I think attempting to "charm" or "manipulate" it will only make it even more of a headfuck.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:27:19

JetSet it's a fee for services! (no not THOSE type...)

Alanna! He suggested the broom closet, I countered with the kitchen...far more classy. Far less cluttering. Far more space. Wait...wrong answer.

Seriously though he's the big boss, doesn't deal with this type of thing, I think I have decided to just try to grit my teeth, hope I'm not harassing him and see him one more time and get the complaint over with as he HAS said he will do the things I want. Then I can shut up about it and try to move on with getting the meta complaint sorted. This is so stressful.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:28:43

Chub he suggested coming to see him and I hesitated (as we had been flirting) and he said he'd waive the fee if I did. Not in a lechy way, as an advantage.

Chubfuddler Fri 13-Sep-13 21:29:57

No I think you've misread that. I really do.

And if you haven't you need to complain about him

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:39:48

Chub he's had a hard time. he's told me about his personal circumstances. I've had a hard time. He has offered to help me in a way which might be less time and hassle. Ethics are a slight issue for me... I like him. He might like me or just like the control/attention.

Who is harassing who? I don't understand it at all. Am I harassing him?

I'll get the complaint done but thank you very much to all who gave me advice, whether I liked hearing it or not! I'll try to move on now so might not come back but I really appreciate it.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:40:18

I don't think the big boss of a law firm would suggest you meet him at his office so he could carry on flirting with you in person. I think, if that was his intention, he'd have suggested a lunch/drinks meeting or something - and passed the matter to a junior colleague to deal with in the meantime.

(Although, I don't think the boss of a law firm would do even this much - but it's a strange world, I suppose).

I think you've misread this and have seen what you wanted to see.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 21:42:12

I don't know if you're harassing him (would you tell us if you were) but I think you're obsessing over him. That's not good for you. At all.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 21:49:31

Alanna I didn't specify, i said the situation was legal and it was a third party! And that also I spoke to him first (there was a bit of confusion as I said I had a complaint, I got put through to the wrong person).

I'm definitely obsessing. Not harassing in that I send him homemade cards every week decorated with sequins and feathers, but I get confused about him asking to meet and asking me to phone, and telling me personal stories. Then I think 'but am I not a pain?'. I do feel genuinely attracted to him.

I think I really will put it in writing from now on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now