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"D"h on flirt/affair websites

(34 Posts)
stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 03:50:48

I found out a few hours ago, he said he had deregistered from his chat app and email account and had just been talking to people. I got into his email and it's all flirt/sexy chat stuff. Apparently he realised it was wrong and didn't do anything hmm just signed up to the sites.

I want to throw him out, I'm so angry. He lied and denied until I got into his email account. Says he thought about doing stuff then realised he was wrong. Like I can believe that when he lied about the chat app and email account! Apparently he didn't want me to find out as he hadn't gone any further and had stopped... also admitted he didn't want to be found out. I told him it's cheating as far as I'm concerned. This is it, isn't it?

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 07:50:29

If its your dealbreaker, then you have right to act accordingly.

Personally, i'd also wonder what else hes lying about, you never get the full story in one hit.

You might wanna visit a clinic to get tested, if you suspect hes had meetings with women.

HeySoulSister Fri 13-Sep-13 08:00:06

Check his phone...

CoffeeTea103 Fri 13-Sep-13 08:06:04

Why was he even on those sites when he is in a relationship with you, he is seeking something more. This is cheating. You don't have to physically do something to cheat. He lied to you.

Blondeorbrunette Fri 13-Sep-13 10:01:04

I found my husband on abt 15 sites.

Your husband is looking for sex, no doubt abt it.

I wish I had the strength to leave and stay away.

You deserve better.

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 13-Sep-13 10:17:36

Yep, sounds about right OP, deny, delete and then will come minimise.... You know the one 'well I did meet someone once, but it was only for coffee..... Well we only kissed once.... And my absolute favourite, we did meet but I couldn't get it up...'

The law of diminishing returns seems to apply. They look, then that's not enough so they make a profile, then they maybe pay a subscription so they can chat and exchange emails, then they web cam and then when that isn't enough, they actually meet up for NSA sex. Or it may develop into an affair.
I'm not saying this is what has happened in your case, but the fact that he's lied and only told you what he thinks he can getaway with is a red flag....

If you want to dig then I would, check his phone, check email accounts, especially sent mail and deleted mail, log onto his profile on the dating web site and read the mails etc. check bank accounts and cc statements for subscription charges.

You do need a strong stomach for this tho, and if the fact that he's been on these sites and lied to you is a deal breaker for you then that is fine. In any case it may be a good idea to ask him to leave for a week or so to give you some time to think and dig around a bit if you want to

So sorry this is happening to you and here to hold your hand thanks

stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 11:08:03

Thank you for the replies. He doesn't keep texts etc and browsing history is never more than a day or so on his laptop.

He set up a new email account which I have been through but the password I changed it to isn't working so he's obviously changed it. There were no sent emails and I recovered the deleted ones. I wish I had taken screen shots now. No doubt when I confront him he will say he's deleted the account.

The emails are for free accounts, you can't reply to emails unless you pay but you can IM sad so no proof he hasn't been chatting. I checked each account for profile etc.

The chat app I still have access to, I don't know why. There is only one contact, I sent her a message saying hi and she has replied. I don't know what to do, or if I should even bother talking to her. I still need to check the bank account.

I know I should tell him to leave but it's so hard to do. DD is three soon, we were supposed to be giving her a better childhood than we had. He knows I see it as a betrayal of the family, he has risked everything for chat/sex. But then, as he said, I was never supposed to find out!!!

mcmooncup Fri 13-Sep-13 11:24:11

I think it's a given he has been sleeping around.

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 11:26:16

Take him to counselling now. Let him know that if he makes a single move in this direction, he WILL get the freedom he wants and it will be permanent.

This can be nipped in the bud if you are clear enough and are prepared to be on your own rather than tolerate disrespect.

Do NOT cling and whine. I did. It doubles your humiliation and you end up on your own anyway but funny that ceases to be terrifying

alphacourse Fri 13-Sep-13 12:14:02

You might want to check out my thread....

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 12:19:55

He sounds seriously stupid.

Realised it was wrong hmm. Why did he not know that before he started?

You weren't supposed to find out so if you fuck the hunky neighbour that is okay as he wasn't meant to find out? hmm

If you want to kick him out over this, then do so. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks you are over reacting, this is your relationship and no one elses.

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 12:21:31

His secrecy is probably a clue as to what hes been doing.

alphacourse Fri 13-Sep-13 13:01:15

NOBODY will think you are over reacting. The shock is likely to make you UNDER react if anything.

alphacourse Fri 13-Sep-13 13:06:29

Can you look at his phone bill? How long has he been using the sites for? I am a few months down the line from the exact same thing. God it hurts doesn't it? (((Hugs)))

stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 16:54:20

I'm so sorry for anyone else going through this, I just want to fall apart but I can't, DD needs me to be strong.

He knew it was wrong, I'm guessing if he even thought about what would happen if I found out, he expected me to let it blow over. He's keeping his head down and I'm wondering whether to get him to leave tonight or Monday. He probably thinks we'll argue for a while then carry on. Cos he didn't actually cheat hmm although that may have been desperation talking.

He said he'd deregistered so couldn't show me the email account so I took his phone and got the password reset then saw the chat site emails. He was telling me to stop as he had stopped, wasn't going to do it again and he didn't want me to be hurt.

I told him it didn't matter if he did just sign up then stop or just chat or further - it's still cheating. And the loss of trust. The emails started last month, think late on, but he added the woman on the chat app on 10th Aug. His mobile bill is online, so I could make him show me it.

I think our mums will be furious with him. They have both been cheated on and raised us as single parents with dads who fucked off. I feel like an idiot and I'm letting DD down no matter what I do. I know that it's his fault but I feel awful.

Apparently he wouldn't leave me if it was the other way round, called bullshit on that.

alphacourse I will have a look at your thread, thank you. I can't understand why anyone would do this.

Sorry for the length and if it's disjointed, I'm using my phone to post.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 16:57:18

YOU haven't let your DD down.

HE has.

Jan45 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:07:24

It's up to you if you want to end your marriage over this but maybe you want to find out why he did it, it would indicate to me that there is something seriously wrong in the relationship in the first place. You could sit down together in peace and try and find out why he felt the need to do this and risk everything? He certainly can't expect you to act normal like nothing is wrong and will now have to prove to you that it is you that he wants and only you. If he hasn't actually met anyone, in my book he hasn't actually cheated - he's cruised but still done a really shitty thing to you.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 17:17:39

It's far more likely there was absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship at all

Except that one of you is a selfish, thrill seeking, deceitful little boy who thought he wasn't getting enough attention

Jan45 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:24:15

AnyFucker: could be, but it's not always as clear cut as that, I've been in the exact same situation as the OP and I decided to stay with my partner, we weren't married or living together at the time and our relationship was not working when this happened.

I'm not making excuses, I was hurt, shocked and very angry but our relationship had a lot of issues that neither of us was addressing and I was definitely off in another direction at the time and not spending much time with him - again, not an excuse for him to do that to me but I wasn't willing to give up on us, we since moved in together.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 17:29:02

Sometimes people do things because they want too and not because there is anything wrong with the relationship they are in. They are just idiots.

NandH Fri 13-Sep-13 18:04:36

Ekkk, right, I dunno where to start sad first, I'm so sorry! I know how you feel, my dp done this to me back in Feb, I found out on valentines day, which was also 10 days after I gave birth to our son.

I'm still with this man, he's since given me herpes, I'm still with him now, mainly because we moved away and I dont have any friends anymore.

My only advise to you is if you can then leave, start a fresh....wish I did sad

[Flowers]

stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 18:04:42

I have felt there was something wrong for a while, ironically that's what we were discussing last night before I found out. Getting him to talk about his feelings is like getting blood from a stone.

Basically he's hit all the red flags, withdrawn from me after we started ttc another child, denied anything was wrong, said he was depressed, having a MLC...

Last night he said he felt something was wrong in his life and he didn't know what it was. He's been looking into further education and a career change. Apparently he's had days where he's really happy and thinks he's crazy for doubting us and others where he wants to escape from it all. He wanted to do more as a family and a couple.

As far as I was concerned, everything was great until after we started ttc as he physically withdrew.

We get every Friday night childfree and usually spend evenings together... in short the problem is with him. He thought the online chat would make him feel better (apparently it didn't hmm ) and stuff his wife and daughter.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 18:09:48

NandH - no reason you can't get the hell out of there now.

stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 18:13:17

NandH Oh God, that's awful, can you get help to leave from friends/family back home?

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 18:16:36

Well done for not going down the "I wasn't good enough for him" route

You are far too good for this prick

NandH Fri 13-Sep-13 18:37:14

Can't, I don't have friends anymore, I don't have old friends my phone numbers, I'm not on social networking sites and my family told me to basically lump it because I made the decision to move away, fair enough smile

I just hope telling my story to women like you who are going through the very similar first stages of utter Crap that I did helps you to see there's not always light at the end of the tunnel if you decide to stay with the man that causes you this hurt/grief/pain/upset.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 18:53:04

Not fair enough at all but she is no friend to you. Are you seriously saying you are going to waste your life with this twat because you made a wrong decision (even if made in good faith)?

Get the hell out. You can get help to move and get your own place, surely.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 18:53:37

FFS it is your family who said that sadangry.

stfbh Fri 13-Sep-13 19:51:32

shock that your family won't help. What do you need to move? Or can you get him to leave?

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 19:58:26

NandH, its better to be alone in a cesspit full of shit, than with a man who gave you HERPES.

Seriously, leave the dirty bastard, before he gives you something worse.

And do you know what has made so fucking angry for you.

Herpes can kill newborn babies.

NandH Sat 14-Sep-13 06:36:29

Missstrawberry, its probably also because this is my second massively screwed up relationship aswell.

Stfbh, I have no money of my own, I'm a sahm, I had the money to move dc's and set again I would have. I just don't want you being spun a few lines like 'I'm so sorry it won't happen again', they are not sorry, they grovel for a week then start it all up again, in my case he went onto physically cheating. The online stuff is enough to completely lose trust in your dh, if you do stay with him put your guard up and keep your eyes peeled smile I honestly think once they know they've gotten away with it once they will do it again. Sorry for hijacking, didn't mean too.thanks

MissStrawberry Sat 14-Sep-13 07:50:22

NandH - and? Many of us have more than 2 failed relationship!! There isn't a limit and there is no law to stay you have to stay with someone who abuses you because you already left someone else!

You get ONE life. Do not waste it with this twat and remember what you live is what your children learn.

stfbh Sat 14-Sep-13 14:41:30

NandH I'm not sure what help there is, I've seen a really good post by Olgaga with details for contacts and financial assistance when splitting, not sure if anyone can find it and post?

Dropped DD off at mum's last night and he sat reading the nursery information from our visit this week. Thought he was doing his ostrich impression but he apologised and reiterated that it was stupid, he was an idiot and hadn't gone further than looking at people.

I told him that he couldn't expect me to believe that and it couldn't be proven either way. He agreed to give me access to everything but I told him that as far as I was concerned, I just haven't decided when it would be best for him to leave. So he said what was the point in me looking and my response was that I wanted to know.

His phone records are clean, checked it all including unbilled stuff up to a few days ago. Basically, everything supports his story. But I'm well aware that there might be things I haven't found.

It's exhausting, I feel like crying and screaming at him. I didn't shout but made my feelings clear.

NandH I'm worried if he stays that he'll do it again, why not if there are no consequences? Basic decency should be enough but obviously not. This is a bad time too, busy with work, DD's birthday and I've got an important exam to take. I need him out though, so I can clear my head. DD is a complete Daddy's girl so it will be difficult, she won't be happy.

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 22:14:52

Sorry, but I think he will always resort to these quick fixes when he 'feels a bit down'. When a man's actually looking to be unfaithful, he really isn't worth a light.

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