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do rebound relationships ever work?

(27 Posts)
sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 19:43:51

I met a man shortly after he came out of a long term relationship. After nearly a year together he has ended things as he needs to get his head around what has happened to him.

Deep down I am hoping that he might come back to me. Am I deluding myself?

I think rebound relationships are unlikely to work long term. Don't sit around waiting for this bloke, life is too short for that. Go out and have some fun. Women who aren't desperately looking for relationships tend to be the ones who find decent men.

milk Thu 12-Sep-13 19:48:17

Broke up with DP on the Tuesday after a 6 year relationship, met DH on the Sunday and married 10 months later.

We've been together for 4 years with 2 DC and all seems well smile

sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 19:57:00

I'm Glad things worked out for you milk :-)

I wasn't looking for anyone when I met him and he is lovely. Right bloke, wrong time :-(

OhWesternWind Thu 12-Sep-13 20:25:17

How long was he single for before you started seeing him?

sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 20:26:55

About 3 months

Lioninthesun Thu 12-Sep-13 20:37:13

Two of my exes have embarked on rebounds within weeks of splitting. One is the father of DD and refuses all contact and is relying on his new g.f for a roof over his head (IMO the only reason they are still together - he will be 'playing nice' as he used to tell me - as he has serious issues with his chauvinistic attitude for starters. A real gem!) and the other emailed me 2 weeks ago asking if I ever thought of him and telling me he regretted his marriage. He got engaged 3 weeks after we split and married within 4 months. I really feel for his wife, and I did before I heard from him with his latest drama. So I don't think so, in the majority of cases, sorry!

Lioninthesun Thu 12-Sep-13 20:37:53

*No, in the majority of cases, that was!

flossyfloo Thu 12-Sep-13 20:39:55

Met my now DH very soon after he split with his ex. 14 years (married11) and 3 DC later, we've had our fair share of ups and downs but we are stronger than ever.

I know what people say about rebound relationships and I even thought I was crazy myself getting involved with a guy so soon after he'd split from his fiancée, but it does work sometimes grin

WafflyVersatile Thu 12-Sep-13 20:40:51

The majority of relationships don't work out, however they start.

sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 20:46:44

I guess that's true but depressing reading right now.

WafflyVersatile Thu 12-Sep-13 21:05:46

Well, depends how you look at it. When a relationship ends people dissect it and if it followed an LTR then people will say it was because it was on the rebound. If it wasn't then they will attribute a different cause, one which may or may not be accurate. None of that is actually relevant to what you actually want to know.

I would love to say once he's had a bit of space to process what's happened he will be at your door and you'll get back together and it will be cheesy peas and chocolate, but as others have said, don't wait. Have a mope then get out there and do fun things and hope that someone else lovely turns up.

Take it from a waiter. It's a waste of chances to have some fun and find someone else.

Lazyjaney Thu 12-Sep-13 21:20:22

I'd suspect t it depends quite a lot on how the originals relstionship ended, ie if it was with a big bang there is probably more pain that needs to be worked through than if it fizzled out with a whimper.

justkeeponsmiling Thu 12-Sep-13 21:24:24

Split up from my DH and father of my DD1 and got together with a lovely bloke 4 weeks later. No one expected it to last, including me I think...
12 years and two DC later I would say rebound relationships can definitely last, as long as both parties have made peace with their past and are ready for a new relationship!

Lazyjaney Thu 12-Sep-13 21:28:52

IMO "made peace with your past" is exactly it - i don't know how one tests for it, but if they haven't, it won't work.

lurkinglorna Thu 12-Sep-13 21:40:38

What lazyjaney said!

For sure, there's a few guys on the dating scene carrying a load of tension/aggression towards the ex and looking for someone new and fancy to "tell him how good they are", which I think is the negative "rebound relationship" perception.

They tend not to be interested in recognising where they themselves might have changed things or in self-improvement, just getting someone new ASAP to validate them.

It's fairly obvious when one is out with them and they're basically projecting the vibe of "you're attractive, PLEASE LIKE ME AND LET'S BE AN ITEM so you can heal the wounds my ex left and prove I'm still desirable and wanted." hmm

So new woman is just a distraction from whatever issues they have that caused problems in the original relationship.

But as others have posted, sometimes the previous relationship isn't with their soulmate or just drifting along with no strong feelings.

So the actual "break-up", however recent, is merely acknowledging that something which died a long time ago is officially over.

When I divorced my husband I was nervous about the practicalities, but emotionally it just felt a bit "meh" and a relief - and I was up for meeting new people soonish afterwards, as was he.

If I were you OP I wouldn't give up hope, but I would open myself up to other possibilities. Good luck smile

ALittleStranger Thu 12-Sep-13 22:00:13

OP I think you're asking the wrong question. Your BF has already given you his verdict on rebound relationships. Now you need to ask whether it ever works if people get back together after breaking up. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you seem to be missing the bigger issue. How do you even know for sure that "I need to get my head around this" was his real reason for ending it?

sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 22:07:35

Making Peace with his past is the problem I think. However I am confident he loves me, pity that wasn't enough.

ALittleStranger Thu 12-Sep-13 22:11:43

What happened in the past that he needs to make peace with? Has he just decided he's got some wild oats to sow or is there bigger baggage?

sunny4 Thu 12-Sep-13 22:19:28

I don't think it is about notches on the bespoke. I think he is just reeling that he hasn't got the life he chose anymore and he misses his children dreadfully.

lemonstartree Fri 13-Sep-13 08:40:28

I think the 'being at peace' is important.

I separated from my exH and 10 weeks later met my now DP. He had been divorced for a long time. I had been married for 9 years, 5 of them unhappily and had previously split from my H for 6 months. During the firsts split I was not ready to move on and did not meet or even flirt with/notice, anyone else.

When the final split came I was emotionally divorced from my exH already. The grieving and yearning for the marriage to work was done. I knew it was over for me and had consulted a divorce lawyer. Although I wouldn't say it was easy,(in places) meeting someone else so quickly, 3 years later DP and I are extremely happy together and I have gained do much from having him in my life.

It CAN work - but only if both parties re emotionally ready

SpringyReframed Fri 13-Sep-13 10:05:45

Sunny, the words "I think he is just reeling that he hasn't got the life he chose anymore" really resonate with me. A few months ago my "rebound" relationship ended. I posted about it on here. This is exactly how I would describe my ex. We have know each other for a very long time and therefore have mutual friends. They cannot believe he has given up on our relationship when he was shouting from the rooftops one minute how much he loved me and almost overnight became indifferent. He too has a mountain of baggage still going on and in the short hindsight I now have I am glad he is continuing his "journey" alone. (Sorry to use that word but cant think of a better way of describing it!(

I am not holding my breath for a sudden reconciliation with him, but like you it seemed so right that a tiny bit of me wonders if we will get together again one day. I certainly dont want to at the moment but I might if he ever gets over his marriage and accepts what happened. Is this how you feel?

I think Waffly's bang on the money here.

In my own observation, I think it can also depend on how long before the official split the relationship actually broke down, iyswim. I have one good friend who got together with her now DH within about a month of splitting up with her previous DP of many years, but it wasn't really a rebound thing as she and ExDP had effectively only been flatmates for a couple of years. She had Made Her Peace with that breakdown a very long time before she actually left.

GibberTheMonkey Fri 13-Sep-13 10:14:25

I met dh about a month after he split up with his girlfriend of five years. It took his friends a while to accept me as they thought it was just too soon. I think they had drifted apart though and the month was just the point when they actually got around to calling it a day. We just took it slowly and that was 14 years ago now and we've been married over 11 years with said friends playing roles at our wedding

sunny4 Fri 13-Sep-13 11:24:41

I guess I don't know for sure that was his real reason, I have no reason to disbelieve him though. He was always honest about his hurt and confusion, I thought it was worth the risk though. With hindsight I May have been better off not getting involved but I fell in love and went for it.

I am hoping he will realise he does want me in his life and come back but I know this is very unlikely.

arsenaltilidie Fri 13-Sep-13 17:21:52

Rarely do they ever work.

They normally work when it's with the person that done the dumping because most likely they'd have given up on the relationship long before they actually dump the person.
Whereas someone who's been dumped is still going through all the emotions of breaking up meaning they aren't ready for a relationship and will likely cling to any one 'alright'.

Eventually they realise the 'alright' person is not enough.

Greatdomestic Fri 13-Sep-13 17:30:01

Yes mine did. Met my now DH2weeks after previous relationship ended. 16 years on and we are still together.

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