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He's ended it and I'm broken

(44 Posts)
IWantToMakeUsWork Thu 12-Sep-13 18:18:39

Sorry I know this is my second thread in days hmm

Me and my OH together 6 years and have a baby DD. we've been having problems for the last 6/7m. Mainly because I don't get along with his mother. This has caused huge problems for us and we had time apart and all that but now he's ended it.

I'm devastated. He don't talk about it. Just said its over I'm done. I can't stop crying, I can't eat. I love him and want to make us work but he said he can't see how.

How do I get over this? Anyone to hand hold?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Thu 12-Sep-13 18:23:19

Has he taken his mothers side against you? Any man that chooses his mother over his partner is probably best avoided. If he can't back you up it's not good.

flippingebay Thu 12-Sep-13 18:39:48

I've just read your other thread and a man that puts his mother before me and my DC isn't much cop tbh.

Are you sure it's just the mother thing? Seems v extreme to end it because you have issues with his mum (and her you)?

AnyFucker Thu 12-Sep-13 18:43:47

What a Manchild he is

Did Mummy tell him to finish with you ?

There is more to it than that, love

Letsadmitit Thu 12-Sep-13 18:48:05

Well, welcome on board, it may be painful at first but much better than a life being dubservient to your MIL's desires.

As the other said, a man that puts his mother before his family is not worth keeping.

SarahJayne321 Thu 12-Sep-13 18:49:20

If he doesn't even have the balls to talk to you properly about it, and has ended it because of his bloody mother then he's probably done you a huge favour.

What seems like the worst thing ever right now may just be a blessing in disguise.

Let yourself wallow for today, and try your best, if not for your sake, for your DD to start fresh and positive tomorrow xx

maras2 Thu 12-Sep-13 19:07:06

Definitely more to it than MIL sticking her nose in.When you start to feel up to it,do a little digging.So sorry that you are hurting.He sounds very unkind and she sounds poisonous.Keep posting here,the women who advise on this forum have a wealth of experience and are no nonsense but very kind too.

IWantToMakeUsWork Thu 12-Sep-13 19:07:19

This thing with his mum has caused huge huge problems, I had to limit the time my DD was with her because of things she said and that almost split us up but now he says he can't accept that ill never get on with his family and never have big Christmases and holidays ect... I've said I can be civil but that's not enough.

Many people have said leave but I love him we use to have a great relationship and I don't wanna give up on us but what choice do I have. It's killing me

IWantToMakeUsWork Thu 12-Sep-13 19:07:21

This thing with his mum has caused huge huge problems, I had to limit the time my DD was with her because of things she said and that almost split us up but now he says he can't accept that ill never get on with his family and never have big Christmases and holidays ect... I've said I can be civil but that's not enough.

Many people have said leave but I love him we use to have a great relationship and I don't wanna give up on us but what choice do I have. It's killing me

kinkyfuckery Thu 12-Sep-13 19:09:07

It might feel like the end of the world just now, but it will get better, I promise.

Ledkr Thu 12-Sep-13 19:12:04

Seriously. He's leaving his partner, child , home and life for his mother?
Tell him to fuck off!
What a total cunt.
You will have a better life without morons like this in it.
His mum has lost now totally as grandparents have no legal rights at present.
You will be fine, wipe your nose and show him he can't buly you like his mother tried to.

IWantToMakeUsWork Thu 12-Sep-13 19:21:56

I've lost everything. My partner, my house, my little family unit.

I'm a SAHM so I have no income. We have an amazing holiday booked now that will be gone.

I can't stop crying and don't understand why he doesn't want to try and work through our problems?! It was only last week we had a great family day out now its gone

AnyFucker Thu 12-Sep-13 19:56:47

It wasn't real, love. It was conditional. I am very sorry x

perfectstorm Thu 12-Sep-13 20:05:37

You haven't lost everything, you have your gorgeous, beautiful, amazing dd. Hold on to that.

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. His behaviour is appalling and he's obviously in no way ready to be anyone's father - he's still his mummy's little boy. :/

mammadiggingdeep Thu 12-Sep-13 20:14:29

Sorry youre going through this. Another one here who thinks there's more to it. Have you got someone you can call to be with you, maybe for a few days? What about your mum?

ofmiceandmen Thu 12-Sep-13 20:26:38

AnyFucker - is real love unconditional? So must it accept abuse, maltreatment, and perhaps Ostracism from one's family?

IWantToMakeUsWork surely there must be more to this, it read from your comment on him that he is a loving person and most things in your relationship seem good.
I can't fathom someone leaving because of the mother unless something really devastating has happened.
How do you get to a point you can say 'I will be civil with your mother and that's it'

Perhaps revisit the root cause, is it a feeling of loyalty? from his end or your end. how does someone get to this point? and why does it only happen in the last 6/7 months?

Is it just me or is there more to this?

IWantToMakeUsWork Thu 12-Sep-13 20:28:50

I'm with my mum and she's been a life saver today. I never thought I'd feel like this. We wee having alot of problems but I didn't think things would go this far

How can he say he loves me?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 12-Sep-13 20:42:51

Glad you're with your mum and she's helping you out. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process all if this. You're in shock at the mo perhaps....

AnyFucker Thu 12-Sep-13 20:48:21

mice no, love is not unconditional

but it really must not be conditional on whether your MIL approves of you or not

ofmiceandmen Thu 12-Sep-13 20:57:07

I've just read parts of your other post OP,

I feel you have both fallen victim to the pressures of a child entering your lives and perhaps a combination of exhaustion, resentment at his lack of presence or support during the early tough months has found voice in this battle with MIL

I've known so many couples fall at this hurdle - I call them the first baby battles- some hobble on but ultimately the damage and resentment that builds during this phase is too much for some to cope with.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I think you really need to dig deep and find out where this stems from. for your DC's sake - you will have an ex that has contact of one form or another and sadly his MIL through him. So realise that the DC control thing is not the real problem here. this is deeper-

Letsadmitit Thu 12-Sep-13 21:30:16

Mice, it is a chicken and egg question. Some devastadting things can happen (like this one) when a relationship is eroded by an overpowering MIL and an unsatisfactory husband who doesn't keep her at bay.

It is not true that there should be something deeper or more devastating lurking in the relationship.

OP is sad today, but I'm sure there have been regular times when she felt hurt, afronted, offended and diminished by her MIL and the lack of protection from her husband. That wouldn't have her being a full of joy welcoming smiley woman (and to be honest I wouldn't blame her at all!)

Ezio Thu 12-Sep-13 21:54:03

Im so sorry OP, i know you wanted to make it work, but he was in a fantasy land, and obviously not very mature.

The hurt will pass eventually, it will turn to anger, but try and control it, you'll be fine and so will DD.

Hes made a huge mistake in leaving you, and hes gonna find his life very lonely and sad now you and your DD arent around.

Please dont let him emotionally blackmail you into brushing incidents under the carpet for your relationship sake.

He made this choice, he can deal with the fall out.

flippingebay Thu 12-Sep-13 21:56:42

You say he's ended it because you can't get in with his family and he won't have a family Xmas... But YOU and your DC are his family now too!

A man that us prepared to do this to you without even trying isn't worth it... He should be supporting you and protecting you from your MIL, not putting her first...

Ezio Thu 12-Sep-13 21:57:46

Maybe a taste of xmas with your DD around might give him a shot of what hes missing.

Ezio Thu 12-Sep-13 21:59:59


WipsGlitter Thu 12-Sep-13 22:05:26

You seem to have reacted very strongly to what is mum was doing / saying. If you want to save your relationship could you not just let it flow over you a bit more?

Or is here more to it? Are you in a position to return to work? Are you on mat leave?

Ezio Thu 12-Sep-13 22:07:48

Wips MIL has done things to her DD that is bordering abusive, thats why she cant drop it.

QuintEssentialist Thu 12-Sep-13 22:10:50

Poor you. It must be a shock.

You say your dd is a baby. And you have been having problems for 6/7 months. Did the problems with his mum start after your dd was born?

You say you are a sahm and have no income. Are you on maternity leave? Do you have a job to go back to or have you lived off your oh the last 6 years?

WipsGlitter Thu 12-Sep-13 22:13:19

I only scanned the other thread. The not handing back was terrible but I'd have just wrestled her back.

QuintEssentialist Thu 12-Sep-13 22:20:49

Ok, I have seen the other thread.

Good luck. I would not fight for a man who puts his mum first and is so blinkered.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Thu 12-Sep-13 23:02:40

I saw your other thread, too. I echo what Ledkr says.

Feels shit right now, I know (believe me, I do). But it WILL get better, I promise. Keep posting and drawing on the wisdom of MN.

Jux Thu 12-Sep-13 23:28:00

You and your baby are way below his mum on his list of priorities. You know that you couldn't have lived like that long term and it was utterly wrong. He is a weak man, who is still hanging onto his mum as number one woman in his life. And when you wanted to discuss it and find a way forward, instead of growing up, looking at reality, having proper go at making things work, he sides with his mum. He will do that forever.

Believe us, you are better off emotionally without him.

Be strong. Don't let him(or her) bully you. Find a family law solicitor and ask for a free half hour - most will do it. Don't back down. He is waiting for you to plead with him to come back; he is waiting until you are desperate enough to agree to anything, and then he will tell you that he will go on with you as a big favour, on condition that you do X Y and Z. Don't do it.

IWantToMakeUsWork Fri 13-Sep-13 10:45:48

There's alot that's happened between me and his mum ALOT! He thinks that I should just ignore it and not accept and apology because its his mum and I should have respect.

RalphGnu Fri 13-Sep-13 11:39:13

He is trying to bully you to accept a situation that makes life easier for him. As for respect, it's earned, not implied. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you or your feelings, I'm afraid.

perfectstorm Fri 13-Sep-13 18:11:19

It's telling that he has absolutely no belief that his mother should show respect for you. He expects you to just meekly take whatever crap his mother hands out, which relegates you to second class citizen in your own family. You are absolutely right to refuse to accept that and he is utterly childlike in seeing his Mummy as the queen of the universe.

If my son grows up and prioritises me over his wife/gf and children, I will have failed. That's not maturity and not a properly separated, adult way to behave. The fact his mother seems to want her son infantilised is a shocking indictment of her parenting, tbh.

fenellafudgetunnel Fri 13-Sep-13 18:17:26

OP. He's a Jedi level gitwizard. What seems like a disaster now will be a lucky escape in a few months. Hang in there. You haven't fucked this up. He has and when his mum is nagging him to pick up his pants from the room of the spare room he'll end up living in like a loser, hopefully he'll come to reflect on how lucky he was.

IWantToMakeUsWork Fri 13-Sep-13 19:18:28

It doesn't feel like that. I just can't get my head around how this is all being blamed on me and how he is so blind. We're ment to be talking tonight so I'm nervous

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 19:29:24

OP, what your feeling now wont last, its just an initial shock, when my partner left, i felt like someone was sitting on my chest, but it goes away, as you get used to thing.

But stay strong, dont let him railroad you, you deserve so much more than to be so far down on the pecking order, tell him what you want and if he cant do that, then the only thing to do is seperate.

Trust me, being alone is so much better than being second in line and having your feelings shat open.

IWantToMakeUsWork Fri 13-Sep-13 19:57:12

I just can't imagine my life without him. I love him, I want the future we had planned, I want Christmases together not spliting my DD up and on birthdays sharing the day. It will kill me sad

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 20:03:34

OP dont trade your dignity and DD's well being for a weak mummas boy.

I know that it hurts, i felt the same way.

My ex left me when my DD was 22 months old, for a while i was desperate to have him back, but as months past, he wanted to come back, and i said no.

You wanna know why i said no, because im worth more than being someones second best, i dont love him anymore, and we get quite well, im happy, DD is happy, happy parents, and happy days for her.

Letsadmitit Sat 14-Sep-13 08:35:06

Hey, it's going to hurt for a while but you will be fine, in a few weeks you will start looking at the bright side and realise that you were in an untenable position.

He is leaving you for his mum with a small child, that guy is not worth wasting your life to his side.

I know that one of the main worries is how you are going to survive financially, I know it hurts but make an appointment to talk to the lone parent advisor at the job centre ASAP. You will get some support that can help you through. Once you know you will be able to survive financially you will find it easier to cope with other more emotional parts of the break up.

Cry as much as you want for a few days but don't destroy your life feeling pity for yourself. Try to pull yourself together for your child sake as soon as you can.

LawofAverages Sun 15-Sep-13 17:34:22

OP, I am so sorry for you being put in this awful situation. Please realise that it is not your fault and that you have done exactly the right thing by protecting your child from a MIL who would treat them badly.

I know it hurts when it feels like you are leaving the 'love of your life'. I have been there and it felt like I would never recover. But you do recover and things are so much better once that person no longer has a hold over you. You often don't realise how bad things were until you are out of the situation.

Once you are free of this crazy woman's bizarre ideas and her enabling, pathetic son, you will see clearly what a bad situation you were in before and be so glad that you have removed yourself and your child from a situation that would only have got worse over time.

If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to remember during any conversations with him/moments of weakness when alone that a) you are a valuable individual in your own right and if your 'D'H doesn't place you (and DD) highest in his priorities then he does not deserve you, and b) you are in the right in this situation no matter what he or any of his family members say.

I think if you remember these facts then you will make the right decisions when dealing with him.

perfectstorm Sun 15-Sep-13 17:44:20

Hope you're doing okay today, IWTMUW.

LawofAverages Tue 17-Sep-13 07:12:33

Hi OP, are you ok? Hope you are holding up. Remember we are here for you if you need us.

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