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if you live a great distance from your parents, do you regret moving?

(50 Posts)
BombayBadGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 21:54:51

i've lived just over 100 miles from my parents now and am missing them really alot.
my husbands family is the main reason we moved to be closer to them and work wasn't very good in our original city so it made sense.
now our kids are in primary, husband is settled in work, but miss my parents.
i dont want it to be where they pass on and i didn't make the most of the time we could have together.

if you can contribute, it'll be greatly appreciated

Mintyy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:00

Dh and I live 2-3 hours away from both sets of parents. We both welcome the distance, tbh, not because we don't love our parents. But it suits us.

Mintyy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:34

What do you miss about your parents specifically that you can't get from speaking to them on the phone?

TCOB Tue 10-Sep-13 22:07:35

We are 100 and 130 miles away respectively from in-laws/ parents. Do I regret it? The quality of my children's life is astonishingly good where we are and we are all settled BUT I am deeply envious of people with family help as we get no practical help whatsoever. Practical support appears alas to have been conditional on convenience. But sounds like you have in-laws nearby? Isit just you are very close to your parents? Couldn't really empathise with that sadly.

solveproblem Tue 10-Sep-13 22:10:06

Yes! In very homesick at the moment and sometimes wish I never moved here to start with.

It was all exciting moving to a new country when I was in my early twenties but now that I'm married here with two kids I just wish I would have stayed a bit closer to home!

MumblingMummy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:40:30

Yes, I did this for the same reasons as you - closer to DP's family, better standard of living, jobs etc.. Parents were already retired and visited once a year (we did same) but their decline was missed due to distance. I truly wished I hadnt moved (or made them move with me). Very sad and I feel I made too many sacrifices for others instead of putting my parents first. I would suggest that you persuade them to move near you.

Chibbs Tue 10-Sep-13 22:42:00

i live 4.5 hours from my family ( parents and siblings) i like it!

BombayBadGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 23:09:42

i do have in laws near me, but tbh there more emotionally draining and un supportive.

i speak every other day to my mum, but isn't the same and now i just want them near me, especially since my mums told me he's finding it hard to cope with the pressure they're under (to complicated to go into, but basically supporting my brother and their kids).
i dont need them to help with the kids, i just dont want to wake up one day and find that i missed years with them

sorry, sad, dont know why i'm feeling so down about this now

SlangKing Wed 11-Sep-13 00:04:19

100 miles isn't that far. For the sake of a 3 hour drive or the price of a typical night out spent on a train you could be there every other week or once a month. A supportive hubby shouldn't have a problem with it.

pookamoo Wed 11-Sep-13 00:07:22

DH & I are 2-3 hours from both sets of parents.

I wish we could be nearer to help them all, but they are opposite sides of the country and we moved here for work, too.

I know how you feel, OP. Especially now DD1 has started school so I won't be able to just take the DCs down there for a few days in the week any more. sad

Weegiemum Wed 11-Sep-13 00:15:41

We're now 90 mins from my parents and 4 hours (and a ferry trip) from mil.

It's close enough for me - though when we were a day from mil and half a day from mine, it seemed a bit far.

Dh's brother lives 5 mins in one direction from his mum and 5 mins in the other direction from his mil. I really don't know how they stand it.

theolddragon01876 Wed 11-Sep-13 02:08:47

I live 3000 miles from mine. I regret it in some ways. My BELOVED dad died last year and I couldnt get home for funeral but on the other hand I didnt want to see him get old and frail when he was alive sad

My mum is the reason Im 3000 miles away and it would kill her if i said that so I will never say it where she could find out.She is also frail but bugger me I cant take the ohh woe is me thing any more,she has always been like that.

It has been hard having NO physical support through a very abusive marriage,a very traumatic divorce and 3 kids. ( having seen her in action with ds2 aged 2 1/2 last time I was home and her shutting him outside,in the rain,in a strange country in November when Id nipped out for an hour with sil and Ds2 had gotten stroppy I think we were better off without her "help" )

So yes I regret it in a way,ie them not knowing my kids and no I dont in another way. Im a coward,big time, and didnt have to see my dad get old and frail and never had to confront my mum. My weekly phone calls are barely tolerated these days,if I get to chat for 10 mins its a long un and its all about how shes doing etc,no longer seems to care bout me or mine.

So over all NO i dont regret it but the whole dad thing I do,My poor poor dad sad

AdoraBell Wed 11-Sep-13 02:59:59

Mine are both deceased but OH's parents are in the UK and we are in Latín América. He doesn't regret the move.

Pookamoo makes a good point, you could visit them quite easily as long as you have access to transport. Would you be able to stay with them on visits, do they have space?

AdoraBell Wed 11-Sep-13 03:01:32

Oops, I was refering to SlangKing's post. Sorryblush

SlangKing Wed 11-Sep-13 05:18:05

I'll forgive you just this once, Adora for (temporarily) accrediting my GENIUS post to Pook. Of couse, if the site thought to include A FRIGGIN EDIT BUTTON, your small misfortune could've been swiftly rectified. I was a victim of this GLARING OVERSIGHT just the other day so consider you a sister-in-arms until the edit button REVOLUTION has been fought and won.

Rubberstamp Wed 11-Sep-13 05:29:45

I am in a different country to my parents (although they moved not me but haven't been within 200 miles since I was 17). I miss the practical help. My parents are Europe, my sister Australia and my brother in Canada - I'm the only one in the uk. Because there has always been distance I don't miss them (we Skype weekly and talk/email every few days) but would love them to be closer to help out with their grandchildren. They love doing this but are obviously too far away. My in laws are close but sadly aren't the helping type. What is ironic is that my family is really close despite the distances between us whereas my other half's family who are all in this area hardly ever see each other. He sees his siblings less than I see mine and they (all four) live within 3 miles of each other! Close in distance does not make a close family.

SubliminalMassaging Wed 11-Sep-13 05:32:57

No. If I had to see my mother any more often I think I'd kill her.

nooka Wed 11-Sep-13 05:34:21

I am 7180 km away from my mother (give or take), and it takes about 18 hours traveling time. My father died earlier this year and yes I was sad not to be closer, but I talk to my mother every week and she has just visited us, which was lovely (although after 10 days I was exhausted!)

I wish I had the problem of being 100 miles away!!! I am west coast US and my family are in the UK. I have no one here apart from my husband and his family. My parents can be difficult but still I would like to see them more than what will probably be every two years at best for now. Can't afford to go home more often than that. Even if we went back, it'd just be reversing the situation and putting the lonely expat thing on my husband. Don't want to sound too negative - we have a great life here which we couldn't afford where I'm from, but still it's hard.

Longdistance Wed 11-Sep-13 05:46:15

I have lived in Oz nearly two years now, and bitterly regret moving here.

I've been homesick A LOT, like almost constantly, and miss my parents like crazy.

Dd2 was only 3 months old when we moved over, and could have done with the help and support of my mum and dad, db, and friends, as dd1 was 2yo and a right handful.

I also broke my leg in April, and had surgery. This had a major impact on me really wanting to go home, or leaving dh on his own. A tearful phone call to my mum, and I just cried like a baby, and really wanted my mum there. As both my parents cannot get travel insurance because of ill health, they couldn't come out to Oz to help.

There is a silver lining in my cloud, dh has just been made redundant, and we are moving back to the Uk. We should be HOME early October grin
<does cartwheels with dodgy limp>

Lavenderhoney Wed 11-Sep-13 05:59:54

I've always lived since 16 at least 2 hours drive from my parents. I had to, to get the career I wanted. And i wanted to, i never felt i couldnt cope without mum and dad to make decisions for me. They were/ are rather controlling and negative about change and doing something different, from disagreeing with midwives/ hair style to buying a house without their say-so.

Now we are abroad a lot, but phone lots- no Skype as she doesn't do computers. I send photos.

It would be nice to be closer, now dm is infirm and ill, but work dictates we don't. My dm would not be happy anyway if we took a lower salary package to be near her, as she is not a close mum and never has been.

I have no idea how I will feel if my dc decide to leave like I did and live plane rides away. I hope it won't be to get away from me!

We're 120 miles away from my parents and 200 odd miles away from inlaws. I wish we were closer to my parents as they could then have more of a relationship with DD - I'm happy speaking twice weekly/skyping/visiting every other month for myself.

Distance between us an inlaws is less of a problem tbh as this way DH can pretend the distance is why they're not so close and its nothing to do with the fact his DB is the golden child.

We're hoping to move an hour or so closer to both sets next year though.

CatAmongThePigeons Wed 02-Oct-13 18:42:21

I miss living near to my mother, even though we clash a lot. She lives about 4.5 hours away and I really miss having her about and spending more time with her DGC. My mum was/is a single parent and she was such a great support to me and I miss having a hug.

My DC miss her too, to the point that DS1 wants to move to where she lives.

I'm spending my life traveling back and forth between Ireland (where DH and I live) and the UK (where Dad, 86, lives) at the moment - been doing it for the past year since he broke his hip, since when he has also broken his wrist and been diagnosed with mixed dementia. Despite the ongoing requirement for me to do this, I don't regret moving (to Ireland, 14 years ago) for a moment - I love living where I do, and whenever I manage to get back here (arrived home yesterday after 2 and a half months in the UK), I just feel all the tension draining away. It's close enough for me to get back within a day or so as and when Dad needs me, and I'm lucky in that my DH is very understanding of the situation (we went through something similar with his UK-based Dad a few years back).

The benefits of living somewhere I love outweigh the difficulties of being so far from Dad.

ProfYaffle Wed 02-Oct-13 18:58:59

I live 350 miles from my parents. I love living where I do now, we have a far better quality of life and it's ideal for the dc. Having the distance is actually good for us I think, my parents can be overbearing and if they were round the corner I'd be demented!

However, pil are an hour's drive away and are now quite elderly so can't offer any practical day to day help either.

It is hard not having any family support but we've not known anything else so are used to it. I do also get a pang of nostalgia about my home town and would love to visit a bit more often. Realistically though, I don't think I'd be happy living there again.

BenNJerry Wed 02-Oct-13 20:49:21

We are a 3 hour drive away from my parents because of partner's work. I hate it, I am very close to DM (I'm an only child and she was a single mother until I was 14) and I wish she could see DS more often, it's difficult as partner works Mon-Fri and I work on a Saturday so we only see them about once a month.

My partner is currently looking for other work so we can move closer to them. We come from different areas, he is from the south west and I am from the north but he is happy to move up north with me as he doesn't have parents and isn't particularly close to the rest of his family, not like I am with mine.

Topseyt Wed 02-Oct-13 21:41:11

I just have to say that I can really relate to the OP on this.

I live about a three hour drive from my parents, and I am becoming more aware of the distance as they are getting older. I am very aware (painfully) that I don't see them as much as I should and it makes me quite sad.

When I met my hubby though, we were both aware that our families lived a fair distance apart. We live just over an hour away from his mum.

Sometimes I do regret moving as far away as I did (though people who moved from the UK to OZ or other countries might not think of it as very far), but if hubby had moved to be nearer to my family then the boot would simply be on the other foot. There is no compromise which works well for both of us.

mrshap Wed 02-Oct-13 21:48:44

400 miles from my mother now and my sanity has returned. However your circumstances are different, can you persuade them to move closer to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 02-Oct-13 22:19:39

Haven't lived within 200 miles of my parents for the last 30 years and never regretted it. Recently, however, they're not in the best of health, getting older and some kind of relocation seems increasingly likely. Hopefully them rather than me.

motherinferior Wed 02-Oct-13 22:21:01

Oh sweet baby Jesus no, no way.

DukeSilver Wed 02-Oct-13 22:29:46

I moved away for uni when I was 17 so I can't really imagine life as an adult living near them (I'm about 350 miles away).

As a single parent I do sometimes think whistfully of the help I could get living closer but I guess you can't miss what you've never had so I can say I think about it often.

They are both still quite young but I do worry about when they are older and need help. I can't imagine my mum agreeing to move anywhere so I guess when that time comes I will have to move closer or do a hell of a lot of travelling.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Wed 02-Oct-13 22:30:48

We have it the other way round, both my (divorced) parents were a 5 hour drive away and have moved to be closer to us, and we see them both several times a week. I moved out of home at 19 and hadn't ever really spent a lot of regular time with them since, just once a month or so, so I was apprehensive that they would drive me crazy (they do a little, but nowhere near as much as I thought!!) I love having them close by, being able to pop in whenever I or they like, and its amazing having two people who love to spend time with our kids as much as we do.

Is there any way you could convince them to move closer to you?

payhisdebt Thu 03-Oct-13 00:52:35

yes , at one stage in my life.
it was terrible.
I love my parents dearly. it is very important for me to be close to them

cronullansw Thu 03-Oct-13 01:11:14

Back in 2005, Mrs C and I were in Aus, looking around, giving the whole, 'could we move here' thing serious consideration.

On our return to UK, her parents said, ''it's your lives, you and your child, our grandchild, it's not about us, we've done what we needed to do. Live your lives, not ours.'

So we moved to NSW and Mrs C has been back to UK a couple of times, her folks have been here for extended stays, and it's good, the kids lifestyle here is incredible, so as we put the child first, to give him as many opportunities as we can, we choose to stay here.

AveryJessup Thu 03-Oct-13 01:18:17

No, I don't regret moving 5,000 miles away from my family. I am envious of people who have a lot of parental help on hand when they have young children but I would never have been in that position anyway as my family aren't like that.

My ILs would help a bit but very sparingly with strings attached and my own parents would say they would help but would not really be capable of much as they're in their 70s. Both sets of parents are very wary of any responsibility or stress so couldn't be relied on in an emergency.

In a way, it's actually easier living far away from any family as people don't ask questions about the lack of support whereas if I lived back home, people would be puzzled and wonder why my parents weren't helping out more or, worse, they would assume I get help when I don't.

Preciousbane Thu 03-Oct-13 01:22:03

I live a four hour drive from my Mother, my Father died this year and he lived a five and a half hour drive. DH lives three hours from his Mum and a four hour flight from his Dad.

I was never close to my parents, I would like to live closer to MIL. We moved to where we live now due to DH work.

So I have no idea how you feel op but it must be nice to actually love your parents and want to see them.

StupidFlanders Thu 03-Oct-13 01:22:22

Do you or your dh drive? I'd drive that far return in a day every other weekend but where I live I imagine more than 5 hours one way too far for weekly visits.

How often do you visit?

glastocat Thu 03-Oct-13 04:53:48

I haven't lived within 300 miles of my folks in NI since I was 21 (uni was only 50 miles away). I lived in London for ten years, then moved to Cork which at least was on the same island as my folks although at the wrong end of it. And this year I moved to Oz! I've never had any regrets, I couldn't wait to leave NI and I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to live in great places. I do miss my mum sometimes, but skype is wonderful. I do look at my cousins who have lived in the same town all their lives and wonder how they haven't died of boredom, but different strokes for different folks I guess. My husband doesn't miss his folks either, when we moved to Cork we were living near his family and we didn't really see that much of them and that was enough! My son misses my mum as they were very close, but he loves living in Oz and certainly wouldn't want to move back to Ireland.

glastocat Thu 03-Oct-13 04:55:15

cronullansw, that is almost exactly what my mum said to me when we moved, which was a pretty amazing thing for her to say considering I am her only child and I was taking away her only grandson.

Twooter Thu 03-Oct-13 06:25:41

I think maybe you miss your parents more if you are close to your inlaws? I am 500 miles from mine, and 300 from pils, and its fine, we are a tight little family unit, and use friends as family iykwim. I struggled more missing my parents when we lived close to my inlaws, as it highlighted the distance between my parents.

happygoluckyinOz Thu 03-Oct-13 07:19:32

Since I left home to go to Uni when I was 19 I haven't lived within 200 miles of my parents. Now I live thousands of miles away over in Australia.

To be honest I haven't missed them much as up until now I have seen them about every 6 months (them coming here us going there) but it's been 9 months since I saw them and I'm starting to feel it! We don't have kids though so any help isn't the reason I miss them.

They are moving here in a couple of months because both me and my brother live here. I'm a mixture of excited and very nervous.... the distance has been good and I'm not sure how the dynamics are going to work with them living within a 30 minute drive (or closer!) I've even had my mum commenting on how she wants to come to the hospital when I'm in labour (I'm not even pregnant!) so I hope it's not suffocating.

I'm also feeling a bit guilty, the OH and I have plans to leave this part of Oz and live over the other side.... so putting another 5 hour flight between us! grin

HairyPorter Thu 03-Oct-13 07:24:21

Both sets of parents are a long haul flight away (10h and 13h). It would drive me nuts if they were closer. On the downside when they visit they stay for 4-6weeks.....

magicturnip Thu 03-Oct-13 07:27:52

I would rather be near my in laws to be honest. I wish we could be near them. 100 miles is not so far OP. we are a days travel away from either parents.

GrrArgh Thu 03-Oct-13 07:33:02

I've always lived apart from my parents, since the age of 17.
I would like to see my dad more, yes. And I do miss the possibilities that living close would bring, just silly things like we could plan meetings after 2:30, that sort of thing, if someone could let themselves into the house and wait for hometime. Also the feeling that you don't get to know your parents forever.
Hmm.

vvviola Thu 03-Oct-13 07:38:09

I live literally on the other side of the world to my parents (us in NZ, them in Ireland). I miss them nearly every day. I'm very close to them and try to talk via Skype every two or three days.

When we lived in Belgium we saw them about every 6 weeks. I haven't lived near them in about 5 years, and in the past 10 years have only been in the same country as then for 3 years. Still haven't got used to it.

We now live 2 hours from MIL & that's probably close enough for DH and I. DH thinks he'd like to live closer, but considering he gets irritated with her after about 10 minutes, and she has difficulties with boundaries I think the reality would be very different.

wonkylegs Thu 03-Oct-13 07:39:33

My parents & siblings are 350 miles away, my IL an hour & half away. It works for us.
Sometimes I wish I could see my dad, sister & little brother a little bit more but my mum & other brother need to be far enough away that we get a long advance warning of visits as they are extremely emotionally draining and very hard work.
My ILs are close enough to be helpful but far enough away to not interfere.

queenbitchapparently Thu 03-Oct-13 08:30:37

My family moved to another country.
I miss my mum and the relationship she could have with the children and I worry about her as she get older and wish she would move back.

JustBecauseICan Thu 03-Oct-13 08:43:11

"I love my parents dearly"

Yep me too, strangely hmm.

I haven't lived in the same country as them for the past 19 years.

You know what? Each and every one of us has one life. Just the one. If I had stayed in my home town I know I would always have been looking over yonder, wondering what it would be like.

I'm an only child, and my mother is a widow. I am closer now to her than I have ever been. When I lived and worked in the UK, I went home once every couple of months for a weekend and we spoke on the phone occasionally. Now at least 3 hrs a week on the phone, 3 weeks at Christmas, she comes to stay with us, we go to stay with her. She sees more of me, and we are closer, than my Aunt and her kids who live 3 streets away from her.

I actually find the idea of parents moving to be near their adult children very strange. I don't understand why, if they had their own interests/friends etc they would want to. I imagine it would put a lot of pressure on a relationship to suddenly have your parents do such a massive thing for you, leaving behind what I presume is a very "established" lifestyle and going somewhere (often) far away and totally new. I hope it works out for those of you doing it, but I think you are right to be a bit scared by such a big thing.

missbopeep Thu 03-Oct-13 08:44:48

I've lived 300 miles from my parents for over 35 years.
It just worked out that way- my first job after uni, then married and DH's work meant we were still living a away.

I do regret it yes. it's become more of an issue now my parents are very old and I realise that we don't have much time left. Also, they are no longer well enough to travel to see us so it's all one-way, which is hard when we still work and have jobs and our own kids to see etc.

In your case OP a 100 miles is nothing- any journey which is 2 hours or less is do-able in a day- each way- so make the effort to travel or invite them to you.

2rebecca Thu 03-Oct-13 09:36:56

100 miles doesn't seem far to me, that's easily visited for a weekend. Since I was 24 I've lived at least 250 miles away, currently an 8 hour drive.
I do miss my dad although he has an active social life.
When I initially moved away I'd miss them and want to visit them then when i was there would wonder why I'd been so keen to visit as I'd feel a bit smothered and happy to get back home again at the end of the weekend. I have always made an effort to join clubs wherever I've moved though and in many ways have little in common with my parents and more in common with my friends.
I love my family but seeing them every weekend would be too much.
Is the problem that you don't work, you only mention your husband's work. if the kids are at school you maybe need more to occupy you and give you a role.
Maybe moving near someone else's family is part of the problem as well as you maybe feel guilty for "choosing" your husband's parents over your own.
I still feel 100 miles isn't far though, maybe encourage your mum to visit you more and leave your brother to sort out his own kids and not burden her with his problems.

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