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My DP doesn't contribute and won't take responsibility.

(84 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:17:32

I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't give me much money at all. He just wastes it. Last month he contributed nothing to household bills and expenses. I've gone through almost all my savings.
Next month my income won't cover our outgoings. He won't agree to spend less and just keeps going on about claiming housing benefit. I scared we are going to lose everything.
If I leave him though, I won't be able to go to work at all and then I'd lose my house anyway.
Can't remember the last time I was this cross and sad.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:19:21

Why can't you work if you leave him?

Monty27 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:21:21

I think you should bin him and make your own way no matter what. He sounds like an ass.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:22:06

What are your actual circumstances? who is working or studying and are you in rented acommodation or do you have a mortgage?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:23:02

I can't leave him because my work is varied shifts and I don't have anyone who can look after my DS. He does the lions share of the childcare.
Tonight, I wish I could leave, I wish I had left him before, but it seems I'm just stuck here. I hate being miserable.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:23:10

I'm asking to ascertain how stuff is split on an official level if at all but my gut reaction is he sounds useless and a hindrance.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:25:06

Siverfox- I work full time and he works part time. His work can be flexible to fit around school hours. And while my work is also very flexible it certainly isn't office hours.
We own our home on a shared ownership scheme so part buy - part rent. It's all in my name only.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:26:07

So he brings in money but refuses to pay for anything and expects you to pay for everything.

I would get on to the entitled to website and work out what help you can get as a single parent.

Is there any way your job could have a set shift pattern?

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:31:43

It is a long time since I broke up with my ex DH and I walked away with literally the clothes on my back but I did get help from friends. Do you have anyone in RL to support you?

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:31:49

The money you spend on him would be much better spent on childcare.

Have you ever sat down & totted up exactly what he costs you per year?

It's probably more than you realise.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 21:32:28

I meant to ask if you got family around to help with childcare?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:32:35

Yes, he says that he doesn't earn enough to contribute anything. When what he means is he doesn't earn enough to contribute and still do the things he wants to do.
I wouldn't be able to get fixed shifts at my work unless I demoted myself and took a massive pay cut and then they would probably be shitty about it. And I love my job, it keeps me sane!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:36:03

My mum is 50 miles away. I think if I left I would have to move back in with my parents. This would mean changing DS school and uprooting him too.
DP's mum lives very nearby, but she can't help out with childcare.
It's all round a horrible situation. Every time I think about it everything just seems really overwhelming.

Teeb Tue 10-Sep-13 21:38:56

He never contributes? What is the situation with your finances? Joint account, separate accounts? How long have you lived together and what was the discussion when you first moved in? I know what a lot of people on mumsnet advocate is the idea that each partner pays a percentage split, so if you were expecting him to pay 50% of everything that wouldn't work, but if he earns a third of what you do, that would be his contribution.

Sorry for ambushing you with questions!

Nat38 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:44:00

Surely the situation you are in is a horrible one as well??!!
How old is your DS??
You need to make a list of the pros & cons of staying with DP & another one of leaving him & then decide which one you would be happier living with, with your DS!!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:45:38

That's ok teeb.

We have separate accounts. All of the bills and direct debits etc, and I mean all of them are set up on my account. His wages are paid into his account and the agreement has always been, in the six years we've been together that he gives me money from his wages every week.
This was fine until he lost his job at Easter. We struggled and struggled and I really dug into my savings to keep us afloat. He has a new job now which pays monthly instead of weekly. So last month he contributed less than he spent from my account and made no contribution to mortgage, bills etc.
I sat here tonight with a highlighter and a calculator and my bank statement and went through the money cause I knew we were in trouble. I won't even look at me when I'm talking to him. I just don't think he has a clue how serious this is.

hermioneweasley Tue 10-Sep-13 21:47:34

Well, if he is doing Childcare then he is contributing (but should obviously make a financial contrib too). Is DS his son ?

NomNomDePlum Tue 10-Sep-13 21:50:09

stop feeding him. stop paying for everything that only or mainly benefits him. if he doesn't want to support you, you shouldn't support him.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:35

Hermione- yes, the childcare is absolutely a contribution. If he wasn't spending money hand over fist I wouldn't ask him to contribute much at all. Maybe just buying the odd bits of groceries.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:55:33

And yes, DS is his son.

I won't stop feeding him, it seems spiteful and how do I explain to a five year old why I haven't cooked Daddy any tea?
I might close my bank account and reopen a new one without transferring his direct debits over.

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:05

What direct debits are you paying for him? You can just stop them without closing your account.

Nat38 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:22

Please stop subsidising him!!
If you carry on doing this, the more he will financially take the piss!!
His childcare contribution is obviosly not enough!!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:01:46

Thanks Nat, I can't carry on subsidising him, I'll lose my home. I try to explain this to him, it's like talking to a brick wall.

I would just cancel the direct debits but the main problem is that his PayPal account is connected to my bank account and I don't know how to stop that without closing the account. I'm a fool, I know.

You dont have to close your bank account to stop his direct debits, you just stop them. You tell him next month he needs to set up his own direct debits from his account, as you cannot afford it anymore, as the mortgage will bounce! Then let him deal with it himself!

Can you log into his paypal and unlink the accounts?

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 22:03:22

Cancel direct debits of his for sure
Once you have been through your statements write down a simple version of in and out goings and make a time to sit down and discuss it with him.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:08:14

I don't know the password for his PayPal QOD, I could try and guess, but I don't want to get caught trying to hack it.

Silverfox, this is what I tried to tonight. I sat down with paper and pens and went through my statements.
I made some lists:
Cardiff's outgoings
Mr Cardiff's outgoings
Joint outgoings


Cardiff income
Mr Cardiff income

And then

Total unstoppable direct debits vs my wages. This is where the sums really don't add up. It was all there for him to see. He didn't want to look at it. So I read it out to him. Like I said he wouldn't even look at me. He just kept staring at his laptop and telling me that if we submitted a claim for housing benefit that would help sort it out. No question of him spending less, or even acknowledging he is spending too much. confused

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:09:21

You need to give him an ultimatum: man up or get out.

You basically have 2 kids & one of them is costing you an awful lot of money.

The fact that he doesn't even listen when you talk money speaks volumes: he's selfish & immature & doesn't seem to have grasped the necessary sacrifices involved when you have kids. He thinks you're going to bankroll him.

I reckon if you added up what he costs you - you would be horrified. And it will probably pay for far more childcare than you realise.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:10:51


RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:11:30

YOu can apply for housing benefit btw but they won't take the mortgage payments into account.

I would make it your priority tomorrow to cancel all unnecessary DDs and apply for council tax and housing benefits.

fuckwittery Tue 10-Sep-13 22:15:18

Are you eligible for housing benefit? Clearly if you are you should claim it, but doesn't absolve him of responsibility!

Why does he think you would get housing benefit. Haven't the rules changed. Although you may get if he leaves.

Stop all direct debit which are his. Make him give you his paypal account login and change the link to your account. Stop access to your account, if he won't pay to bring up his child then he certainly shouldn't taking more from you.

Make it clear to him that he is depriving his child by being a tight arse. FWIW when I was on my youth training scheme (in the late 80's) I got £27 per week and I still gave my mum £10 for 'housekeeping'

Look here, if you are on income support, or some other benefits, you may be able to claim relief against the interest on your mortgage.

Also help with the rent element is explained here:

This does not mean that he should not pay, or that you should continue paying his direct debits!

I think you can contact your bank and ask if they can unlink your bank account from paypal.

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:19:44

I missed the bit about his paypal account - yep perhaps just shut your account down!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:19:46

Random - when he lost his job in the spring I looked online to see if we would be entitled to housing benefit. It calculated £7 per week. Now he is back at work I assume this amount would be reduced. It hardly seems worth it when the form to fill in seems ridiculously complex and you have to provide a huge amount of documentation.

I dont think you need to close your account, just do a transfer service to another bank. Go through with them what direct debits you are keeping, and tell them you are NOT keeping paypal.

Is paypal not connected to your DEBIT card? If so, can you just cancel your card and get a new one?

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:27:19

I was wondering if it was via the debit card too but I think it is actually your bank account - certainly mine is... but mine is linked to pay money into my bank account as well as take it out?

Mine puts money into my bank account (when I ask paypal to transfer, as otherwise it just stays in my paypal account), and outgoing payments from my debit card.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:30:04

Yes, it is definitely linked to my bank account. Very occasionally he pays menu in via it grin
I might pop to the bank tomorrow and ask them for some advice.
Although I feel a bit stupid doing so. What do I say? My boyfriend is a twat and because of this I need to close my bank account and open a new one?

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:30:47

If you contact your bank then they should be able to stop the Paypal for you.

If you change your bank account then check out the offers, I think Halifax is currently offering £100 to transfer to them.

And then, give him an ultimatum, he either pays you £X per month on payday or he moves out the day after. And do not back down.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:34:49

Thanks Bogey.

I will start by cancelling his direct debits and PayPal. Perhaps then he will realise I'm serious.
He just came into the bedroom and asked if I wanted any toast. Like the entire conversation and subsequent row had never happened. Unbelievable.

fuckwittery Tue 10-Sep-13 22:38:39

Ok, so 7 pounds a week housing benefit probably less or nothing is not going to get you out of the financial difficulties. Does he understand that?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:40:16

I think he does realise that, but if he can blame our problems on me not submitting the claim then that means its not his fault anymore. He is really very bad at accepting he is wrong or that anything is his fault.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:42:17

What other DD do you pay? His phone contract? Car Insurance etc?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:45:31

His phone, his gym membership and Sky Sports. So not a lot. The PayPal is the big one. He withdraws a lot of money via PayPal. Mainly for gambling on football matches. I wasn't going to talk about the gambling on this thread, but it's where a lot of his money goes.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 10-Sep-13 22:50:25

OP, I agree with most of what has been said so far, you can't keep paying for him.
The fact he is not listening imo is because he doesn't understand money and finances at all.
You are wasting your time trying to get through to him because you won't.
You need to control all the money that comes into the house and manage it accordingly. If he is going to behave like a child and you are going to stay with him then he can learn how to manage pocket money like a child.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:51:42

Thanks to everyone for the replies this evening. It's amazing how comforting the advice and kind words of total strangers is when you're having a bad time.

I have to be up for work early so I will check in again tomorrow, hopefully with something more positive to say!!

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:51:46

The gambling casts an entirely new light on things...

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:52:46

Xpost again. Sleep well!

I don't mean to be harsh but why the fuck have you been letting him take money out of your account for gambling??? Shut it down, cancel the gym and Sky. If he won't give you money willingly then I'm sorry but you're a fool to keep handing it over to him on luxuries when you're skint. If he really wants them he can pay for them himself.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:55:38


He is withdrawing money from YOUR account to piss up the wall gambling?!

And add up the phone (what? £20 a month?), gym membership (£30?) and sky sports (guessing at another £20) and you have £70 a month right there.

this guy is a cunt. Sorry but there it is. He is taking money for luxuries and gambling while you worry about keeping your home and feeding your child.

If you add up what he spends every month, I bet it would make a massive difference towhat you can afford if he left. Go onto, I bet you will be able to claim more than you think.

Gambling. FFS. If I didn't feel so bad for you OP I would be a bit pee'd off with a drip feed of such gargantuan proportions.

You are worrying yourself sick about keeping food on the table and a roof over your heads and he has a gambling problem?

Stop enabling him and cancel all access to your money. Cancel all those extras too - gym membership? Give me a break.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:04:25

Another thought, I think that you do need to change your account because as long as he knows your account number he can re link he paypal and clear you out, same if he knows your PIN.

It sounds extreme but as long as you are living with him, I would set up a mail re direction for your post so that he cant intercept your new account details and keep them somewhere secure that he cant access (in a locked cash box at a friends or at work?).

When you pull the plug on his reckless spending, expect him to get nasty in order to get the funds he needs, so contact for advice and support

YeahWhat Tue 10-Sep-13 23:04:38

How about having a really close look at all your and your DPs expenses. Use the Money Saving Experts Statement of Affairs to help you calculate exactly where your money goes.

You could even post your completed 'statement of affairs' on Money Saving Expert. You will get lots of good advice about where your DP you can cut back.

If you have the correct info then it may help your doozy, selfish DP understand why he is a pillock

ModeratelyObvious Tue 10-Sep-13 23:15:50

You can't afford gym membership and sky sports. Both might have a notice period so cancel them ASAP.

Tell him to do the housing benefit form if he thinks it's such a good idea. You can just sign it as required.

And you need to stop the PayPal thing. But you know that.

Monty27 Wed 11-Sep-13 00:15:35

Cardiff I had one like this. He moved into my home (I have two older dc's living with me, well one is at Uni and as a single parent I always did my best to support her).

I'd managed before he moved in, just. We earned the same. Next thing I know I'm dipping into my savings, because he doesn't have any, to afford his lifestyle of golf, pubbing, and generally visiting his family (in UK but costly).

He wouldn't listen. A long story but in the end, I decided that, ultimately my dc's were paying for his lifestyle, from the money I earned to make their lives as comfortable as I could.

And I dumped him. Just like that. I could see it going on and on until I was in debt and my and dc's security was in jeopardy. He brought nothing to the table in terms of equity either, and was questioning how he would be looked after if anything were to happen to me (including pensions rights and accommodation etc. confused

What a prick he was, I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

So I repeat, dump him, before he drags you down with him. angry

KristyThomas Wed 11-Sep-13 06:17:29

I can't believe the nerve of this guy!

You've already had some great suggestions re changing bank accounts, stopping PayPal, etc. But make sure he realises the full implications of what's at stake here. You've told him the house is at risk and he's not bothered - that's because it's a joint problem and he'll be expecting you to find a solution, like you always do. Make sure he knows that his relationship is at stake here too, because that will cause a lot of problems for him personally: losing his partner, losing the person who pays pretty much all his expenses, suddenly having to find money for CSA payments... Contributing what he can now is a lot better than the alternative, but he won't do it unless he sees 'the alternative' as a genuine threat.

KristyThomas Wed 11-Sep-13 06:18:45

Sorry, my post wasn't clear - I meant make sure he realises the full implications of what's at stake IN ADDITION to the suggestions from other posters.

ModeratelyObvious Wed 11-Sep-13 07:03:16

OP, as he does more childcare than you, you might want to speak to a solicitor about how the courts would see residency.

Tell your bank you will pick up your card and pin-codes at the branch!

He cant give you any of his own salary because he is a gambling addict, and will have spent it all on gambling.

Does he have debts you do or dont know about?

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 08:18:41

How you feeling today op?

The specific direct debits are probably a 100 to 150 a month so I actually think that is quite a lot.

The gambling does throw a new light on it but there is no way I would criticise you for not saying you have just revealed it is an even harder situation.

As you have bothered to work out your finances and he still ignores it I do think you are getting to the point where you seriously need to consider breaking up with him. I think it is a lay it on the line situation.

I had a quick google and there are some gambling support charities. I put in gambling help, it may be worth speaking to them for some advice.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 09:48:54

I am just on my break at work at the moment so I've only got time for a quick reply.
Things seem a lot more stark in the cold light of day. I am definitely going to the bank on my way home to make an appointment to set up a new bank account.

Could anyone elaborate on the residency situation. Is it likely if I broke up with him that he would get full custody?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:53:50

He's very unlikely to get custody with a gambling addiction...

Are you actually married?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:55:21

If not did he jointly sign the birth register?

Start collecting evidence now -- as much as you can about his gambling and financial irresponsibility. Then see a solicitor for a free half-hour and see what they think. It would be daft for them to give custody to someone who might be able to provide more childcare but might also put gambling ahead of rent and food, but a solicitor can give you proper advice.

It's also possible that the threat of separation, combined with proper counselling, might turn your DP around. Has he always been this bad?

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 10:11:06

Courts would probably start with a 50/50 agreement. Would that be a bad thing? Despite his irresponsibility towards money, is there any reason why you wouldn't be happy with your DS being in his care? If you pushed the gambling problem to demonstrate that he has addict-type behaviour meaning he can't be guaranteed to put DS's safety paramount, you could probably swing residency more in your favour, but would you want to do that? Him having your DS half of the time would mean you could continue working more easily.

There is a possibility he could push to have DS more to claim more benefits (to subsidise his addiction), or he could even decide he doesn't want the responsibility at all.

You are probably best placed to anticipate what his next move would be. Whatever you think that is likely to be, you cannot allow fear to prevent you from doing what is best for you and DS now. If you do nothing you will lose your home, DS will be homeless and have to change schools anyway, you will probably lose your job (pretty sure DP will disappear at this point, so you'll have no childcare anyway, plus you'll need to spend time trying to sort out accommodation, etc).

IF you kick him out, you will be in control of the pace of things. You can organise childcare for shift patterns (it does exist. Contact your local Children's Information Service), re-establish control over your bank account, get some advice about residency and then get your DP to leave when it suits you.

Good luck.

OhDearNigel Wed 11-Sep-13 10:31:48

So he thinks you should take benefit money designed to help people in need so that he doesn't have to stop his Sky Sports subscription ????

It is more like he wants the tax payers to fund his gambling...

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 12:25:33

£125 from First Direct if you switch your account to them. They have good reports and its free money for something you are going to do anyway, and you can apply online.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:38:10

I have been to the bank today and made an appointment tomorrow to open a new account.
I feel very down. I'm normally a very optimistic person but I can't see any of this going well.
I am going to look at the gamblers anonymous website as well. Perhaps talking to some people with similar experiences will help. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend later. I will have to summon my energy so I don't spend the evening looking like I have been slapped with a wet fish!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:55:08

In answer to some of the earlier questions:

No, we are not married, but he is named on the birth certificate.

I wouldn't have any problem with a 50/50 custody. It's getting him to agree with it, or in fact engage with me about anything at the moment. This afternoon it seems I'm getting the silent treatment. I really don't know what he thinks he is trying to achieve. I'm just so worn down and bloody tired by the whole thing.

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 16:44:25

I'm sorry it feels so overwhelming. sad Often it's the sheer relentlessness of a poor relationship that wears us down, rather than a specific event.

If he won't engage I think you have to treat that as your carte blanche to go ahead and remove him from any decision making. It's the only way to retain your sanity. He's had ample opportunity to change and be involved in a solution and has chosen to ignore that.

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 16:59:09

I hope you enjoy your time with your friend whether it is a heart to heart stuff or having a laugh or both hopefully.

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, try and let us know how you get on. You must be immensely frustrated with him at the moment, I am and I don't even know him !

RandomMess Wed 11-Sep-13 18:13:06

So sad to read your updates. I'm afraid he is a gambling addict and the quicker you seperate financially the better. Ex-BIL wasted at least £150k that we know about, SIL lost the house and he lied and lied and lied.

Meeting up with a friend will be worth the effort. Ensure that the paypal account cannot be transfered over to the new account. The other thing that BIL did was take out lots of credit cards and loans and gambled all of that - he kept on meeting up with postman so SIL had no clue that he was doing that again angry

Nat38 Wed 11-Sep-13 19:50:35

Do you love him?? Do you want to stay with him??
They are the main questions! Then you can decide a plan of action!!
If you want to stay with him, sort out separate finances so that you know that you & your Ds have a place to live & that you can pay all bills!
All the "extra`s" that your DP wants/likes like sky sports, gambling ect make him pay for from his own account!! Cancel everything that you do not want to pay for even if it means opening new accounts!! A hassle I know!!
If you want to split, you`ll have to split the finance`s any way, inyour favour!!

34DD Wed 11-Sep-13 21:24:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Not when she does not have access to his paypal and it is his paypal account that has been liked to her bank....

Good luck in the bank today!

Hmm. According to paypal, the name on the bank account must match exactly the name on the paypal account. How did he link them to begin with?

If he has linked them fraudulently somehow then I imagine if you inform paypal they will have no problem de-linking them. And he shouldn't be able to link to your new account.

Bogeyface Thu 12-Sep-13 14:01:44

Are you sure Dreaming?

I have a bank account that we use for all online stuff adding funds as we need them to avoid CC fraud, and that is linked to my AND H's paypal.

Hmm I don't know. Did you open it a while ago? I think paypal has cracked down massively on this in the last couple years because there was so much money laundering going on.

At the very least I think it would be difficult for the DP to link the new bank account to his paypal without the OP knowing. I had to send quite a bit of documents when I opened mine a couple years ago.

Bogeyface Thu 12-Sep-13 14:39:41

Ah that would be it, we have had this arrangement for several years, so yes that would probably be why.

Twinklestein Thu 12-Sep-13 15:02:35

I opened a new Paypal account recently & had no problem linking my husband's debit card. Although we have the same surname.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Thu 12-Sep-13 22:38:20

I am feeling much better today. A friend took me out for a glass of wine last night and we had a lovely time. And then I spoke on the phone to another close friend today and it has really helped hearing both from them and from the people posting on this thread that I need to make changes and stop trusting DP as he will just let me down, time and time again.
I didn't manage to open my new bank account today as they had double booked me and I couldn't wait around as I had to go to work. I have been looking on moneysavingexpert today at bank accounts and where is best to go. Because I have a poor credit score I will probably have to opt for a basic account. But that is fine with me because I just want somewhere where my money is safe and I am in control.
What happens next in my relationship is a different matter. I hope we can work things out, for our sons sake if nothing else. I'm just glad to be a little more positive and thanks to everyone who has posted on here for your support.
I am also considering going to the Gam-Anon meeting in my town. Does anyone have any experience of anything like this?

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