Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what does it mean if your husband is looking at gay porn?

(68 Posts)
23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 18:33:01

just that really

been together 10 years; has never should any indication that he might be gay or bi-sexual. Deletes browsing history and text messages from phone routinely

what would you make of it?

curious? bored? gay?

hows the rest of your relationship?

carlywurly Tue 10-Sep-13 18:37:27

Personally I'd find it odd if dp did either of these things.

Was it one page or several? It might have been an accident, or a one off out of curiosity.

Any more, and I'd certainly be asking some questions. Actually, one page and I'd be asking questions.

HavantGuard Tue 10-Sep-13 18:39:10

That he likes watching men have sex.

sonlypuppyfat Tue 10-Sep-13 18:41:49

I don't think we will have to get miss marple on this one.

Fragglewump Tue 10-Sep-13 18:42:04

He is probably gay or bi. Have you discussed porn and your views on it? If my hubby was doing this I would feel I didn't really know him vey well. I would be shocked and concerned. Have you asked him about it?

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 18:42:21

its tricky, as I am posting on behalf of her friend (with her permission)

We were talking it through,....and had the same thoughts as you have both posted. The relationship is not good at all. Lack of affection and respect.

The page popped up from Safari on I-phone. £ times, over the space of a few months. Checked the 'data' in settings on phone, and numerous pages for different sites, including gay dating sites have been visited. Could they all be pop-ups? Do heterosexual men get bi-curious? (mid 50s) If you are looking at dating sites, does it mean you want to go on dates???

It is all so alien, to both of us?

SubliminalMassaging Tue 10-Sep-13 18:42:43

I'm with sonly.

ItsaTIARA Tue 10-Sep-13 18:45:28

Looking at porn is one thing, lots of people fantasise about all sorts of stuff they'd never do in real life (see thousands of MN threads for evidence) but secrecy about his phone and looking at dating sites is a completely different.

vestandknickers Tue 10-Sep-13 18:46:13

He's gay. Maybe never acted on it. You friend needs to talk to him for both their sakes.

SleepyCatOnTheMat Tue 10-Sep-13 18:46:39

Straight men don't find gay sex a turn-on.

meditrina Tue 10-Sep-13 18:48:54

It means he likes looking at videos of gay men having sex.

Yes you can find things in histories that have come from pop ups, but I'd expect only one or two - not "numerous"

SubliminalMassaging Tue 10-Sep-13 18:50:50

Surely you only fantasise about same gender sexual experiences if you are bi or gay? I have never done it, ever.

defineme Tue 10-Sep-13 18:51:54

There have been very recent studies testing physical levels of arousement showing straight men do not get turned on by men having sex (lesbians very different), women on the other hand get turned on by anything shagging including gorillas!
He could be bi though?

Teeb Tue 10-Sep-13 18:52:23

If a woman was watching lesbian porn, would that make her a lesbian too?

miffybun73 Tue 10-Sep-13 18:54:35

He's gay.

str8tothepoint Tue 10-Sep-13 18:57:15

he's gay, will definetly deny it when confronted, minimalise everything, in order not to out him. she will believe him, feel sorry for him, but he will still do it on the sly. he's probably been with a few guys already

defineme Tue 10-Sep-13 18:57:36

No-women who are straight get turned on by everything-have you watched the film 'the kids are alright' when the lesbian couples kids get very upset when they discover they watch male gay porn-very funny!
Men on the other hand don't, gay men show very little arousal watching women have sex with each other too.

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 18:59:01

i dont know teeb confused

I dont like porn full-stop, so its really difficult to have an opinion on what watching gay porn means specifically

Some of it was a bit 'other'...a dogging site included, and cross-dressing. But no 'straight' vanilla type sites

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 19:00:05

what would you say to him????

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 19:03:20

str8tothe point that worries me...i was thinking about STDs. Friend is confident it wont have gone that far (yet). But, I think that is difficult to judge, seeing as how this has been so unexpected itself

str8tothepoint Tue 10-Sep-13 19:08:05

she should get tested, hard as it is, but really she needs to talk to him, and let him live his life. am sure he doesn't mean to hurt her but it's probably how he's been all his life. maybe check his phone bill for numbers any at random times/txt messages/pic messages?? different email accounts, skype

HotDogWater Tue 10-Sep-13 19:14:16

Highly unusual for a straight guy to find gay porn a turn on. Maybe once for the curiosity factor but regular viewing I would say he is gay or bi.

BadSeedsAddict Tue 10-Sep-13 19:27:47

My OH is bi and it has never really bothered me. If your friend has an iPhone and can get a free app called Grindr, she can sign up anonymously and see gay/bi men who are currently close by. Might be worth a look, it's a pretty popular app and her OH may have it. Think there's another one called Scruff, less popular. Her OH may just be bi-curious. Like another poster said, similar to women enjoying lesbian porn smile

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 19:37:04

He's gay. And not very clever, apparently.

WiddleAndPuke Tue 10-Sep-13 19:41:32

Oh for heavens sake. It doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. Loads of women love gay porn and lesbian porn and it doesn't make them gay.

MadeMan Tue 10-Sep-13 19:43:48

He might just be doing some research for a role in a new production at the local amateur dramatics.

carolmcgiffintowin Tue 10-Sep-13 19:44:04

i'd say gay/bi-curious. i think women looking at lesbian porn is an entirely different thing to a guy looking at gay porn.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 19:45:38

Women love gay and lesbian porn. Guys don't watch gay porn unless they are gay or bi or on some kind of dare from their mates. Ever.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 19:45:53

Some women, that should say.

mcmooncup Tue 10-Sep-13 19:47:13

He would like to have gay sex

Wellwobbly Tue 10-Sep-13 19:49:40

This is the bit your friend should concern herself with and be worried about:

The relationship is not good at all. Lack of affection and respect.

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 19:51:33

yes wobbly that is her focus. But you can imagine this gives a whole new dimension

sooperdooper Tue 10-Sep-13 19:52:33

I think it's a huge generalisation to say that no straight men ever get turned on by gay porn and no gay men ever get turned on by hetro sexual sex

I'm straight, I've watched lesbian porn, I've had lesbian fantasies, fantasies are by definition quite often something that the person thinking them would never act on, hence them being fantasies

You can't jump straight to the conclusion he's gay/bi, he might be but you can't say 100% he is just because he watched some porn

sooperdooper Tue 10-Sep-13 19:53:35

cosydressinggown have you asked all men in your research on that opinion? confused

ItsaTIARA Tue 10-Sep-13 19:56:46

Bisexuals are capable of monogamy I'm told. However, the dating and the phone thing suggest that this one isn't.

MadameLeBean Tue 10-Sep-13 20:01:21

Looking at it in itself is not that big if a deal, he may be bi or just likes it in the same way some straight women get off on lesbian porn (although I tend to agree with what other posters have said about him more likely to be bi or gay).

BUT deleting texts??? As well as browser history? He is cheating already. Sorry.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 20:02:21

Lol find one, sooper - find one totally straight man who gets turned on watching gay porn.

BadSeedsAddict Tue 10-Sep-13 20:06:44

The deleted texts are a very bad sign IMO.

BadSeedsAddict Tue 10-Sep-13 20:10:06

Cosydressinggown I wonder how many totally straight men there actually are (as opposed to how many claim to be)?

I have never ever heard of or met a straight man who gets turned on by gay porn, or want to watch any for that matter.

I would say he is gay or bi.

strokey Tue 10-Sep-13 20:15:41

It means he is a bummer Im afraid. Sorry, that's awful

Phalenopsis Tue 10-Sep-13 20:20:11

Me to OH: Have to ever looked at gay porn?

OH: No. Why would I look at gay porn? I'm not gay. Heterosexual men don't look at gay porn. It's not the same thing as straight women looking at lesbian porn y'know.

Phalenopsis Tue 10-Sep-13 20:20:42

*to should say 'you'.

BadSeedsAddict Tue 10-Sep-13 20:25:15

OH just made the point that straight men watch porn with men in. I'm not sure how relevant that is though smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 10-Sep-13 20:26:41

Mademan, he might be researching a PhD thesis on the quiet, too.

OP, Advise friend to get STD check asap and do not trust what he says...it is what he does that is the truth of the situation, imho. The present state of the relationship (no respect or affection) indicates the relationship is aready toast. Your friend just doesnt know it yet. Well, she might now. And that is regardless if he is gay/bi/straight.

Miss Marple grin may have dropped a stitch or two.

BadSeedsAddict Tue 10-Sep-13 20:26:43

(Sorry, I meant, straight porn has men in)

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 20:30:48

madman and band I made that comment...is it research for something. Its so unexpected

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 20:35:24

Actually, I am of the opinion that much of strip club attendance/enjoyment of gang bang porn/double penetration/spitroasting scenarios etc are nothing more than thinly-veiled latent homo eroticism on the part of "macho lad's lads"

But there you go, it might be slightly off topic

Or not, as the case may be for this bloke

Rabbiting0n Tue 10-Sep-13 20:51:43

For my degree I looked at a study which found homophobic men got the most aroused when watching gay porn. (They put a cock ring on the men, got them to watch porn and measured their 'growth.')

I don't think the porn thing automatically makes this man gay. If he is in and has had, relationships with women, surely he is at most, bisexual?

The iffy bit is the dating site and the secrecy. That, teamed with the fact that OP says the relationship isn't good anyway, means this lady needs to have a serious conversation with her DP or else just cut her loses.

Vegeshamwidge Tue 10-Sep-13 20:56:24

Heterosexual men don't look at gay porn. It's not the same thing as straight women looking at lesbian porn y'know.

Err why is it different?!
Also as a straight woman I'm not interested in lesbian porn. (Or any porn. Porn is awful and exploitative.)

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 20:59:23

hmmm...seems opinions are pretty much split...

it was the discussion we had...does it mean he is gay or not. not straight forward, it seems

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 10-Sep-13 21:09:37

23possiblymore, apologies, my comment was sarcastic...although stranger things have happened. I might toot my own horn and say that I am excessively talented in finding justifications for just about anything under the sun. But sadly, it does not always follow that my manufactured reasonings are necessarily the truth.

He may say he is doing the 'research' for a friend.
He may be pledging/enduring initiation to a Fraternal Order of (...AF help me?..) Macho Cha-Cha.

You have taught me a lot, AF...I had not heard "spitroasting" before.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 21:13:07

Charming, huh ? smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 10-Sep-13 21:18:52

23possiblymore, apologies again...blush, I am sorry for looking for humor where I should not.

Imho, there is reason to be concerned. If the man in question is on dating sites, then I would say he has already checked out of his present relationship. The orientation question may be irrelevant at the end of the day. A STD check would still be in your friend's best interest.

23possiblymore Tue 10-Sep-13 21:32:24

Band don't worry, honestly. We managed to laugh about it also. You've gotta laff haven't you?!

AFishWithoutABicycle Tue 10-Sep-13 21:40:42

Gay or not gay could be argued.
Total arse hole - fact.

Distrustinggirlnow Tue 10-Sep-13 21:41:18

IMO the gay porn is a bit of a red herring OP.
I think there is more concern around the dating sites and deleted text messages, Internet history etc.

Ill be honest, I don't know why a man would watch gay porn, but I do know why they join dating sites and are secretive.....

In my book, cheating is cheating, regardless of whether you are in a gay, lesbian or straight relationship.

OP your friend needs to gather information before she confronts him as he will deny and delete. I'd start by looking through emails or looking for a hidden/secret email account. I'd check the phone bill, go through bank and credit card statements with a fine tooth comb and then I'd try and find his profile on the dating site.

She will need your support thanks

Fragglewump Tue 10-Sep-13 22:27:27

I'm going to guess that he is closet gay. He married as he wanted a 'normal life' but as time has gone on he has felt his life lacking and seeks thrills from gay porn and or gay sex. Happens quite often especially with slightly older guys who found it harder to 'come out'. Sad for both ops friend and her dh.

str8tothepoint Wed 11-Sep-13 16:23:58

he's gay. 100% in the closet, fact, on previous and current knowledge of having an affair with a guy who is in a relationship for 15 years but is gay and had an affair with me for a year, still continuing, other complications, such as children make it harder for him to come out

BeCool Wed 11-Sep-13 16:41:15

a one off - just curious.

Repeatedly looking at gay porn - sorry but he is gay.

daytoday Wed 11-Sep-13 22:29:12

I get all sorts of weird sites pop up iny settings that I have never visited! One which keeps appearing is localslags which is some sort of pimp site which I have never visited. I was freaked out when I first found it but deleted all my settings and cookies, waited an hour and the bugger appeared again. I guess what I'm saying is don't just go on the computer settings.

I don't think looking at gay porn means someone is gay. But most people would never admit or reveal the erotic scenarios that interest them.

BadLad Thu 12-Sep-13 02:16:42

I'd like to offer a helpful opinion, but I don't watch any porn - not because of any moral objection to it, but because I find it intolerably boring.

Absolutely nobody I know who isn't gay has ever said that they watch gay porn. Whether that means they don't, or they aren't admitting to do it, I couldn't tell you.

It could be something that turns him on when he thinks of it, but that doesn't necessarily mean he would go so far as to act on it.

Mojavewonderer Thu 12-Sep-13 06:16:40

Sod the gay porn! The thing I would be concerned about is the dating sites! That's a no brainer for me. That alone would be a one way ticket to dumpsville. The gay porn is just the icing on the very disgusting cake sad

Wellwobbly Thu 12-Sep-13 07:52:46

In the interests of objective research, you understand, I went on to a gay site to see if it would turn me on.

What I saw: mostly a thing called 'twinkies' (eeeeeuw), which was very very pretty little boys, holding their half grown very circumcised penises, or lying on their backs showing their very smooth little bum holes.

It just aroused my maternal concern, that's all and I so wish there was no market for this. No, no stirring there.

Then, men in various activity. A bit of interest, but no response.

So, on the tremendously accurate research sample of one, I think you have to be gay to be stimulated.

MajesticWhine Thu 12-Sep-13 08:03:51

He is most likely bisexual. Sexual orientation does not have to be so black and white, surely.

CuChullain Thu 12-Sep-13 08:40:50

Love the armchair psychologists making decisive judgements on this mans sexual orientation with the bare minimum of facts!

I am a bloke, I looked at gay porn a few times many years back, it was on a website which had lots of hetro porn so it was pretty easy to click on. Not sure why I did it as I don’t find men remotely sexually attractive, but I did anyway, I did not get turned on by it or have any gay fantasies as a result, maybe it was a mixture of curiously and fascination that made me visit some of those sites, I am not sure. Anyway, I soon got bored of it and never looked at the stuff again. I deleted my internet history as well, I was not living with my girlfriend then but she did use my laptop now and again and I would have felt a bit embarrassed if she had seen what I was looking at. Several years on and our relationship is as strong and as committed as ever. No doubt a few on here will conclude that I am quite clearly a repressed homosexual and advice my girlfriend to leave me immediately.

With regards to deleting phone texts, I clear out the general chit chat stuff regularly, not because I have anything to hide, but because I hate having to scroll through hundreds of texts to find important ones. No doubt to some on here that is evidence enough that I am conducting some kind of clandestine affair.

MadameLeBean Thu 12-Sep-13 09:16:33

Cu, read the OP's second post, a couple of posts down from the first post. The guy had been on gay dating sites - as well as deleting texts. That is not innocent.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now