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Don't know what to do about DC contact following incident with ex.

(48 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Mon 09-Sep-13 19:55:46

ExP has DS (nearly 4) for the day at weekends, with sleepovers alternate weekends. We've both been very amicable and flexible as to when works for us, and have maintained a friendship to the point of being able to still spend birthdays / special occasions / family days out together, which is great.

I have a long term mental health condition, and am very ill at present. I asked exP if he could possibly have DS for an extra sleep over this weekend, he said no, but would do what we usually do on his day; I give him my spare key, he can then bring DS back here whenever he wants if I'm out. We started this a long time ago, and has worked very well for us. ExP normally gets back here around 8pm, so if I'm going out, I aim to be back either before or after that so as not to interrupt bed time. We've talked about this and decided it works well. I had been drinking, but was coherent.

I got back this Saturday night at 8.30ish, had kept in contact with exP about when I was getting on the bus etc. He had been in an odd mood when I dropped DS off to him earlier in the day, but I thought he was just having an off time. When I got in, he picked up his rucksack, and I told him he might as well sit down and have a cup of tea, because the bus had just been.

He grabbed me by the throat and hissed that he was very fucking angry, so he'd be leaving now. I kicked at him to get him off me, and then he pushed me against the wall, and said that if I kicked him, he'd kill me. I slapped him (because I was seeing stars by this point), he let go and stormed out.

He came back about ten minutes later - I answered the door as had text a friend, and thought it might be her - told him I didn't want him to come in, so he just sat in the door way and proceeded to insult me in every possible way, and telling me that he knew I was suicidal, and that I should just do everyone a fucking favour because no one wanted me alive anyway.

He eventually left about half hour later. I will admit I can't remember everything that was said, and we moved from the front door to the lounge - I was more concerned about disrupting my neighbours with talking outside, knowing they have young children.

He's since text me several apologies, telling me he feels like he's turning into a monster, and offered to go to the police.

He has grabbed me by the throat before, once, though never threatened to kill me. The first time was not long after he lost his father, so I put it down to grief, and he attending therapy. I know he's been struggling with his depression and anxiety again recently, and although I've offered to be there for him, he will only really admit how he's feeling when he's been a bit of a twat (normally just being awkward, me calling him on it, him apologising and explaining).

I haven't contacted the police, but I have called his mother, and he is going to stay with his parents for a while. Have told him I don't want him calling at the moment to speak to DS (my mum says this is unfair, but I don't want to speak to him right now).

My problem now is I don't know what to do about contact for DS. Like I've said, I don't want to speak to him for a few days, and this weekend I'm taking DS to my parents overnight anyway, but then I'm a bit lost. I don't know what is best; I'm currently not feeling comfortable to say contact as normal, but I don't know whether that is unreasonable, as his mood has only ever been directed at me, never at DS. I'm terrified of any authorities being involved; frankly I'm scared that my diagnosis will be used against me and I'll loose custody. And the fact this isn't his normal behaviour, and that the only previous time he's acted like this was during a time of major emotional trouble, concerns me, hence why I contacted his mum and a friend of his, to make sure he has support if needed right now.

But I really don't know what the best thing to do is.

Sorry for the essay.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 09-Sep-13 20:01:30

I would contact the olice and have it on record, show them the text messages he sent afterwards.

Tell him to go to the police and the GP as well, he may not have attacked your son yet, but I'd be very worried that it's only a matter of time.

Xales Mon 09-Sep-13 20:06:19

Call the police.

You had to fight him off because you were beginning to see stars. Beginning to suffocate. Beginning to be strangled to death.

Next time he may not stop. Or he may do it long enough to starve your brain of oxygen and give you brain damage.

Next time your DS could be left motherless.

HeySoulSister Mon 09-Sep-13 20:08:36

Dear lord, call the police! why wouldn't you?

SirBoobAlot Mon 09-Sep-13 20:16:01

Because I think it will have bigger repercussions for me with my diagnosis, and I'm terrified of loosing custody of my son.

And because this isn't his normal mindset; I have poor impulse control. Admittedly I've never threatened to kill anyone, but I do have a degree of empathy for him, even though I'm bruised and furious. Though hitting him back wasn't exactly composed of me.

What do I do about contact?

wordyBird Mon 09-Sep-13 20:21:48

Grieving, no: abusive, yes.

This man is much more dangerous than you think. sad
Police ought to know. Please don't fear losing custody. Ill health, including mental ill health, does not automatically equate with risk to your child (did your ex suggest it might? Men like this often do?)

Abuse DOES constitute a risk. I don't want to scaremonger but a physically abusive man shouldn't have unsupervised access to your child.

I'm so sorry you've been through this horrible experience, SirB...

SirBoobAlot Mon 09-Sep-13 20:27:05

No, he's never said for a moment that I'm anything but a brilliant mother, and (when well) has regularly told me so. Saturday night of course, I'd never worked a day in my life, etc. But the majority of the time he praises my parenting, and has never even vaguely suggested that I'd loose custody. That's entirely my own fear.

Madlizzy Mon 09-Sep-13 20:36:54

He's dangerous and you do need to make a report to the police and cut contact until you can have it organised at a contact centre. As for your own mental health and your child - if your child is being well cared for emotionally and physically by you, social services won't want to take him from you. However, if he is exposed to violence from your ex towards you, then he becomes at risk and they may well intervene. Generally though, SS aim to work to keep a family together. Get that report done along with a non molestation order. This is serious, he could have killed you and he only let go because you hit him. Your son could have found you dead.

ClaraOswald Mon 09-Sep-13 20:36:56

Your DS is a huge sweetie pie and a massive credit to your parenting Boobs.

I can't see why you would run the risk of losing him at all. His Dad would have very little chance of having him, considering he has been violent to you in the past whilst in the relationship and is continuing to be so when you have been apart for a long time. You have worked your arse off to provide him with a stable home- take credit where it's due

He needs to know he has gone too far. Log it with the police, even if you don't feel strong enough to proceed with having him charged. Your DS doesn't need to see Mummy feeling ill at the thought of having to see Daddy, nor see him threatening you. You deserve a peaceful and non violent existence, especially so you can continue to get better.

WiddleAndPuke Mon 09-Sep-13 20:38:09

What, because you can't control yourself that excuses him trying to kill you?!

HeySoulSister Mon 09-Sep-13 20:43:03

Your poor ds! If you can't ( or won't) protect him then maybe as should be involved

SirBoobAlot Mon 09-Sep-13 20:46:15

Don't start, SoulSister. My DS is absolutely fine. He's a stable, grounded, happy, hilarious little boy, and that's not just my opinion, that's the opinion of all the nursery staff, plus the psych team.

I am protecting him. I'm trying to fucking work out how much I will be damaging him mentally if he's suddenly not allowed to go to Daddy's house, and have special sleep overs any more. Which is why I'm posting. Don't dare tell me I'm not protecting him.

Dahlen Mon 09-Sep-13 20:50:47

SirBoob I know it's bad form to refer to a poster's history and previous threads, but I've seen many of yours on here and I'm hoping you'll let me raise the impression I've built up of you. You have a MH problem. So what? It doesn't seem to have stopped you trying to be the best person you can be. It doesn't seem to have stopped you trying to do something good with your life and trying to be the best mother you can be. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and despite the difficulties your MH problems have caused you, you are more than coping; you are leading a good life.

Your X has behaved like an abusive bully. Probably because you are intelligent, savvy and articulate in the language of therapy, your are not a 'typical' victim (is anyone) - something your X knows all too well. He knows that the best way to manipulate you is to shower you with praise (i.e. you are a good mum) to get under your skin and then bring you down with your insecurities (you have poor impulse control, MH issues, etc).

Nothing excuses his behaviour tonight. Even if you had rolled in steaming drunk, nothing excuses him grabbing you by the throat. I don't need to tell you that attacks around the throat are markers for serious levels of abuse. You know that already. sad

You aren't in the best position and the 'support' offered by your X has helped. I understand that, but I think you need to understand that any level of support offered by an abuser isn't support at all. It comes with a price, and the price for you under these circumstances is simply too high. You might wonder how you'll cope without XP helping you out for childcare, and I won't pretend you won't miss it and that it's absence won't make life more difficult logistically, but you know what? If you give it up you'll be free from someone who tries to undermine you. Free from someone who outwardly is supportive but is angling to see you fail behind the scenes because they want you dependent.

I don't think you need to stop contact. Like many abusers, your X probably isn't 'evil'. He is probably the product of his own life experiences just as we all are. In his own way, as much as abusers are capable of it, he probably adores his child. However, he is unable to put that fact above his need for control and domination, and that makes him dangerous to you and to your DS once your DS gets past the hero worship stage and starts challenging your X. For that reason I would go with supervised contact. It needn't be forever, but for long enough to make it clear that bullying - either of you or DS - will be met with consequences.

Hitting him back was not poor impulse control or violence. It was self defence. You will not lose residency of your son. Although that's a lot easier to promise if you go to the police yourself first.

Hold your head up. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to fear. Your X, on the other hand, is a violent bully and has.

girliefriend Mon 09-Sep-13 20:51:26

You need to talk to the police, he is violent and has anger issues.

He should not have unsupervised access to your son at all, I would not have him anywhere near my child and I am confused as to why you are making so many excuses for him?

If you are a good parent and there are no other concerns I am also confused as to why you think ss will take your son.

HeySoulSister Mon 09-Sep-13 20:58:03

Well you clearly aren't protecting him.... He was on the premises whilst all this was happening? Yet you still think access is feasible?

He goes for your throat? You might be minimising this, but speak to women's aid. When they go for throat/strangulation then it raises more red flags than any other form of violence. There's something about going straight in with this which makes him more dangerous than you think. Speak to them, they will confirm this. Please take this seriously. ( if he does it again then 'go limp', he will think your unconscious and will let go) have been there, take care.

SirBoobAlot Mon 09-Sep-13 20:58:53

Darhlen thank you for the comments re MH. I'm very ill at the moment, and this has sent me spiraling again. This ex, DS's dad, isn't the more recent ex I have posted about (with the sleeping with my friend etc, he is a complete head fuck). Just to clarify.

I'm not making excuses, I just don't think he's actually a bad person. I think something is obviously very wrong right now for him to act like this. I'm furious with him, disgusted, and know I have every right to be. But life isn't black and white; his action was wrong, but there is always a reason. It all keeps going around in circles in my head, the rage and the logic, and it's so very confusing.

I don't want to deprive DS of his father. He adores his dad.

ClaraOswald Mon 09-Sep-13 21:05:21

He is still trying to control you, even though you haven't been together for a long time.

Dahlen Mon 09-Sep-13 21:05:30

SirBoob - you don't have to deprive DS of a father. You simply ensure dad only has contact in a way that is safe for you and DS. A good dad may be pissed off about that but will comply anyway for the sake of his child.

It's a testimony of your kind nature that you try so hard to understand your X's motives. But please don't confuse compassion and tolerance with bad judgement. There is always a reason. It can often make it understandable. It doesn't make it ok. You can be compassionate and forgiving without ignoring.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 09-Sep-13 21:11:27

If you feel your ex is only a danger to you and only is now due to extreme but unknown circumstances demand he be seeking treatment for his own mental health as part of the deal to keeping contact and for your own safety have hand overs dealt with by a 3rd person where you don't have to see each other. This way if he is having difficulties then you can all try to head them off at the pass before it becomes a problem to the extent that he isn't capable of taking your ds on sleepovers

Looksgoodingravy Mon 09-Sep-13 21:12:27

Great posts from Dahlen. I would take this advice and I'd also ask for your key back. You shouldn't be alone with your ex until he has help with his issues.

OxfordBags Mon 09-Sep-13 21:47:00

OP, I think that your current probs are stopping you seeing things as clearly as you might otherwise (am not being patronising; I suffer from Mh issues too, so know what it can be like).

1) I think that because your MH issues make you think and act in ways you don't loke, maybe feel ashamed of, you are making an understandable, but very much not necessarily true, assumption that he must have something wrong with him too. Well, yes he does, he is a dangerous abuser, but this does not necessarily mean he is mentally unwell. Furthermore, even if he is suffering from MH probs himself, this does not excuse what he did. This does not mean you should give him a second chance. It sounds like you are over-identifying with him due to being currently in the middle of a bad time. sounds like you are presuming he is going through similar, and are perhaps trying to extend to him the empathy you'd want for yourself. But you haven't tried to throttle someone, have you? I think that paradoxically, you are currently so engulfed by the intensity of your own stuff that you are incapable of connecting with the intensity and severity of his actions. You might know how bad they were objectively, but you are disconnecting from them emotionally.

2) An abuser will always have a reason. The going round and round in your head thing is you trying to find an excuse and reason for something totally inexcusable and with no acceptable reason behind it. It's more comforting to deny and clutch at straws than accept the full horror.

3) You worry that if you, a sufferer of Mh issues, bring this to the attention of the police, they will somehow insist in removing your son from you. I get that fear, but it is unfounded. Firstly, it makes no sense to punish the victim in this scenario, but most importantly, 2) Look at what you said about your MH team. They all agree that your DS is a happy, well-brought up child and that you do a fab job as a mother. These are the people who would be contacted about your Ds's welfare if removing him was even considered, and it sounds like they would all be against it. Even your Ex himself says you're great. I bet you've got texts or something from him saying as much, to prove that he himself thinks your Mh issues don't affect your great mothering.

4) Any domestic violence involving throttling, choking, being held around the neck/throat, is a MASSIVE red flag to police and other agencies. It indicates a massive loss of control, a growing disregard for life, a ramping-up of pathology. It is seen as a very scary indicator for future attacks. I say this not to scare you, just to give you the facts. But actually, you do need to be more scared than you seem to be.

5) If he has acted this way because you are right that something MH is going onl then he needs urgent help. Even very mentally ill people don't do what he did. He could have killed you, even accidentally, doing what he did. By keeping quiet about it, you are actually doing him a disservice, and enabling his crap. And seeing as you are his focus for this rage, it is very chilling indeed to keep schtum.

6) Your son loves his Dad, but he needs a mother who is actually alive. A good father, a man fit to be around his child does not do what he did to you. A man that abuses a child's mother abuses that child. And if he can do something that dangerous and extreme to you, how do you know he won't hurt (or worse) your son. Don't answer that he wouldn't, because his actions show that he is out of control and the people he is most intertwined with are the ones he wants to take it out on. His safety and emotional wellbeing matter more than 'he loves his Daddy'. If there was any reason why you could have your son taken off you, it could be for letting him keep seeing a man who would attempt to kill you (let's face it, that's what he did) over nothing in your own home whilst his child was present. That is not a man who loves his child, not truly. Not enough to be safe for him to be with.

You have to tell the police. There is simply no good reason not to. Covering up for a dangerous man your son will spend lots of time alone with is not in his best interest. You are the adult, you have to do what is best, no matter how hard, no matter if it upsets him for now.

something2say Mon 09-Sep-13 21:54:22

I understand if you don't want to call the police.

But is there a DV advocacy service near to you? Look up DV services in your boro on google.

Re child contact, immediately stop letting him into your home, because if he does this again in front of your children it is worse than him doing it to you alone if you see what I mean.

Avoid contact with him, and don't be late for pick up of children. Don't expect more than the agreement and don't give more. Tr to communicate very sparsely. He is not a safe man.

But I am not happy that you are not calling the police. What he did is his problem. Meantime you may get help, which you may need and welcome and things could be a lot better for you afterwards.

If you still don't feel able to, maximise your emotional support from safe sources, find someone to talk to. Maybe confide in your GP. Are there any free counselling services in your area?

And be gentle on yourself, remember you have just been assaulted and may be tired, scared and worried.

FloraFoxley Mon 09-Sep-13 21:57:08

Why are you letting an ex partner waltz into your house as and when? You need to out some proper boundaries in place for starters

ChangingWoman Tue 10-Sep-13 08:14:23

Hope you call the police.

Re justifying and minimising your Ex's actions - I had a lightbulb moment with my ExH when I realised that the reasons for his behaviour didn't matter. The effects on me and DD were the same whether he intended to do wrong or not. It was an alcohol and lying situation rather than DV but I suspect this principle is even more important for you.

If he throttles you to death next time, you'll still be dead regardless of whether he did it on impulse or with intention.

His motives are not your concern. Your safety and the wellbeing of your child must take priority.

I know how hard it feels when you have to restrict contact. He clearly isn't a good or fit father if he has done this to the mother of his child. Your son would love his father even if he were the devil himself - it's how little children are with their parents. It has nothing to do with his fitness to care for a child.

Take care.

SirBoobAlot Tue 10-Sep-13 11:21:11

I guess I'm scared of accepting the seriousness of this, and in all honesty I'm more upset about the things he said than what he did, but as a friend has just pointed out to me, this is probably down to my own mindset right now.

I have worked so hard to make sure that we still have a family unit, despite living in different houses, and the idea of that changing worries me. I constantly feel guilty for being a single parent as it is, adding into that "single parent who has had to limit contact with absent parent" makes me feel horrendous. I know children at some point blame their parents for everything but the guilt has kicked in before he's even started doing so!

I'm supposed to be seeing my MH nurse next week but will call and ask to see her sooner.

noobieteacher Tue 10-Sep-13 11:37:23

OP you need to report this to the police in order for ss to understand that you are have an understanding of dv issues. Reporting it shows that you are a balanced mature person who understands the difference between right and wrong. What they really don't want is people covrring up, if they find you both dishonest you could both lose him. Reporting is a show of strength.

Madlizzy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:44:56

I think it's a good idea to see your MH nurse sooner. To be blunt, your son is safer without unsupervised contact with his father. Your ex is too unpredictable. Your son would not thank you for allowing his father back in to hurt you, so you really must do something now.

pinkpeony Tue 10-Sep-13 13:48:28

I'm trying to fucking work out how much I will be damaging him mentally if he's suddenly not allowed to go to Daddy's house, and have special sleep overs any more.

OP, it will be a lot more damaging to DS mentally if he ever witnesses daddy grabbing mummy by the throat, knocking you unconscious, pushing you against the wall, screaming at you and calling you names... For a child to witness DV is tantamount to a child being the target of DV (just as damaging). If he does that to you with DS in the house, he will soon do it with DS watching, and you never know how he will be with DS esp when you're not there. You really should call the police to have the incident on record, go to your GP to have the physical abuse in your medical notes and insist on supervised access from now on.

You should not feel horrendous for limiting access for DS, you are protecting him, and it is your ex who is doing the damage by behaving as he is. Please report the incident to the police, and make sure you and DS are safe.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 14:07:18

He's four years old, so at any point during this period where your ex was assaulting you and swearing at you he could have got out of bed and witnessed it.

So however 'protected' you think he is, he is not. He was totally vulnerable to something deeply distressing and potentially dangerous and it's just luck that he wasn't exposed to it. Next time he might not be so lucky.

You need to go to the police and contact social services about arranging SUPERVISED contact between your ex and your son, until such time as he can prove that he is not a danger to the little boy. It doesn't matter what you wanted, what you hoped for from the 'family unit' etc - keeping your son (and you, but you have a choice) at risk due to how you imagined it was going to be is not the right decision. It is not that way - your ex is violent and unpredictable, and the reasons behind this are absolutely irrelevant.

cosydressinggown Tue 10-Sep-13 14:09:26

Also, I assume at 4 years old he can speak, so the first time that he tells his teachers, friends or nursery workers that he's heard something amiss or that Daddy has behaved violently in some way, they'll be contacting SS themselves, and if they then realise that you have not reported previous incidents they will view you as being in collusion with your ex and not protecting your child.

BlatantRedhead Tue 10-Sep-13 14:19:51

You need to call the police and get it on record that he assaulted you. If he hasn't hurt your DS and is willing to seek help then I think you should allow contact to continue, but insist that it be supervised. He has proven he can turn nasty, and if he can direct it at you then there's a chance he might direct it at DS. The old arrangement is over now, under no circumstances should you allow him back in your home.

mummytime Tue 10-Sep-13 14:27:15

Please do report it to the police!

Sorry but if you do and you later need legal aid you will have a far stronger chance of getting it.

Being a single parent DOES NOT damage children (I am the product of a single mother and know). Not having contact with an abusive parent; is nothing like as damaging as having contact or witnessing abuse.

Please reach out to your health professionals and tell them what happened.

Now look after yourself thanks.

HeySoulSister Tue 10-Sep-13 14:32:07

i'm also a lone 5 dc if it matters,however, my eldest at almost 20,absolutely does NOT blame me for leaving/making her dad go to court/limiting contact......none of my dc have

Lweji Tue 10-Sep-13 15:00:32

You have had very good advice.

In I am the single parent who have had to limit contact with non-resident parent, it's all him. It's not your fault.

I am in a similar situation, and I'll be damned if I let DS spend time alone with exH. God knows what he'd be capable of doing with DS if he got cross.
(thankfully, the court has recently ruled in my favour, and contact is dependent on my agreement).

I agree with going to the police, for your and your DS's protection.

And don't beat yourself for slapping him. shock
He deserved at the very least a knee to the groin and an elbow to the face. It was self defense. There is no composure that can be maintained when we are grabbed by the throat and threats are made to our lives.

BTW, please do not ever be alone with him again.
Take care.

Lweji Tue 10-Sep-13 15:05:15

in all honesty I'm more upset about the things he said than what he did, but as a friend has just pointed out to me, this is probably down to my own mindset right now.

And what he said is just as serious. Not about your mindset.

ExH now has a criminal case against him, mostly with things he said (on e-mail and text) than things he did.
He risks at least 2 years in jail.

Emotional violence can be just as bad, or worse than physical violence.

noobieteacher Tue 10-Sep-13 15:18:28

OP, call your MH worker and if you get no response you need to call the police immediately in order to get the incident on record and seek advice.

Sadly women that do not do this are sometimes accused of protecting their own interests instead of putting their children first. You need to do everything you can to avoid this happening.

The likelihood is that they won't do anything but they will have the incident on record so that if something similar happens again they have a pattern of behaviour. This will help in the future, when the legal people/SS decide on access arrangements.

You need to separate the incidents from your personal needs and your feelings of powerlessness, or your fear of your ex. Try to distance yourself and be impartial - talk about exactly what happened, as honestly as you can.

cestlavielife Tue 10-Sep-13 15:30:30

thnk about using your parents more to help you out not exp.
after this incident you need to reconsider him having any access to your house to see ds.
ds wont suffer if he doesnt see dad for even couple weeks while everything is sorted out eg conctact centre.

Kerosene Tue 10-Sep-13 15:37:35

First of all, I'm a child of a single mother with fairly limited contact with my dad - tbqh, I think I've done better than I would had they stayed together. I've said it many times - I'm glad they divorced. Best thing she could have done for us.

I'm also reminded of an ex of my mum's. He was a single dad, because his wife had been murdered by her new partner. He strangled her to unconsciousness and then bludgeoned her to death. The kids were in bed when this was happening. They were woken up by the police and had to be lead past. I don't say this to scare you, but you need to be realistic that this can and does happen with disturbing frequency. Her murderer had his reasons too, and wasn't a bad person. He didn't mean to, after all. She's still dead.

I understand that it's absolutely terrifying. Not just because it's a terrifying thing to face in and of itself, but because of all the other things it'll mean to your life, now and in the future. Add a mental health doom-spiral (and I've been there myself!), and you need to be proud of yourself that you're not gibbering in a corner. You're stronger than you realise.

It might feel like a massive overreaction, but he's tried to strangle you twice now, and then you've got the mental abuse to deal with as well. Call the police, call your mental health team, get yourself set up to deal with this - contact in a contact centre and so forth.

This makes you a responsible mother who is putting her son's needs first, and doing the best for him in a difficult situation, who understands that physical and mental violence around a small child is not and can not ever be acceptable no matter the explanation, not whatever names you're calling yourself in your head, or whatever nightmare scenarios come to mind. You can rebuild family units later, once you've got the foundations secure.

SirBoobAlot Wed 11-Sep-13 22:38:18

Thank you all for spending the time to reply.

Am more angry tonight, having spoken to exP's mum - who I usually get only really well with - who was talking about it being important for DS to resume phone contact asap, to which I said a very blunt 'no'. And as much as she - and exP - might be insisting that he'd never be a risk to DS, I'll be damned if I am just going to accept his word on it. Especially seeing as he's still beating me with the ''I never wanted to be a father, you forced me to be by refusing to have a termination'' stick.

Am a bit sad as I told a friend what had happened, and his response was immediately, "What did you do to provoke him?". That hurt a lot.

DS hasn't asked about ex at all, though has told me that daddy was being a bit mean to him on Saturday, telling him that his legs were fine when DS said he wanted to rest.

It all feels like a big mess, I really don't want to face up to what's happening tbh.

AnotherStitchInTime Wed 11-Sep-13 23:03:29

SirBoob really sorry to hear this has happened to you. I echo what others have said re: reporting to protect you and ds.

Please contact Women's Aid for support on 0808 2000 247.

Also contact Mind for both support and legal advice (legal advice line 0300 466 6463) to help reassure you keeping your ds with you.

My eldest is close in age to your ds, since I joined MN before she was born I have been impressed by your mature attitude and ability to keep it together in the face of some difficult circumstances.

You are strong enough to deal with this, you know what you need to do, please don't let your fear stop you from taking action to protect you and ds. Take the power back that your ex has tried to take from you, he cannot control you if you do not let him.

"Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will." W. Clement Stone

Find your inner lioness.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 11-Sep-13 23:28:52

SirBoob firstly sorry this happened to you. you must still be reeling.

shock at your 'friend' who asked what you did to provoke him.

You say that exP mum says he would not hurt ds but did she expect him to hurt you? if he is only hurting you because he is not in his right mind then he is not in his right mind to be looking after a child. the alternative is he is being deliberately abusive to a shocking degree. again not safe to be around DS unsupervised.

sorry. I know how tough it is. i tread a simialr line with my ex. he is not violent but he is emotionally abusive and I wonder how much contact he should have with dcs and it is a heart breaking choice.

but he really is dangerous. did you say he offered to go to the police? I would take him up on that offer. if he does not you should even if it is just to get it recorded without further action.

you need to stay safe for your DS.
Call them. Get some advice. Please don't be scared that SS will take your son, I know the local authority you are in, I worked there for 9 years, that is not how they operate. Hand on heart.
IMO I think that he should be having contact at his parents' house for the time being. And not immediately. But you should resume phone contact after discussing with him (in writing, email is best) what you are both going to say about why he's not seeing daddy for now.
And for the future, even if/when you start letting him take DS alone again, he shouldn't be letting himself into your home.

And a little bit of personal advice - if you're feeling very unwell at the moment please think about cutting out the alcohol. It will be making things worse xx

Lweji Thu 12-Sep-13 14:00:01

Dump the friend. I hope you're not taking advice from her...

Stay clear from ex's mum as much as possible.

However, I would resume phone contact between your DS and ex. Only them. Do not talk to ex on the phone, only texts and e-mails.

Ignore everything he says apart from contact or practical issues.

Do take advice from DV specialists. Have you contacted the police, or their DV unit?
WA might be able to help as well.

Miniph Thu 12-Sep-13 20:56:06

SirBoob, I have a mh condition and ended up with ss visiting after a dv incident in which the police were involved. I have to say ss were fantastic, social worker told me that my mh condition was of no interest to her whatsoever unless that was the thing that was causing risk to my children. It was only the dv that mattered to them and as soon as she knew I could / would protect dcs from that (after chatting to me about it) that was it - no further involvement needed unless I requested any support.

I'd agree with contacting the police, his behaviour is genuinely scary and dangerous. It's not nice to think about but he could have killed you without even meaning to.

I hope you're ok and getting some rl support.

SirBoobAlot Thu 12-Sep-13 21:45:35

Took DS out for the day, trying to make everything fun and smiley for him still.

I called Rise just now, but they have very limited opening hours; will try again tomorrow when DS is at playschool.

Thank you especially for reassurance re SS.

I've got through this week mainly by being almost out of body, but today feel like I'm moments from a complete breakdown. Have recently finally accepted past sexual abuse and rape (fuck that's the first time I've written that down), and thinking of this as assault or domestic abuse is screwing with my head.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 13-Sep-13 00:50:17

SirBoob sorry you are having so much to deal with account of the abuse you have survived. thanks and sucha hard thing to admit in your head so a brave step to write it down. well done. getting it out will help even if it hurts right now.

And making this fun for ds is just the right thing to do. the laughter of children is the best medicine for you and for them.

Wishing you strength to go with all the strength and courage you already have.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 13-Sep-13 00:50:54

WA are there too if you need them.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 13-Sep-13 09:15:12

Time after time on these boards I see women rationalising and minimising really awful behaviour from their ex/partner. And blaming themselves.

Absolutely nothing that you did or said could warrant near strangulation. So you hit back - this was survival instinct and a direct response to being strangled. Do you know it only takes a few seconds to strangle someone?

This man is very, very dangerous.

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