Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am married but have met someone else - life is now a mess - HELP!(44 Posts)
I currently feel like the world's worst person because I have met someone else and I cannot get him out of my head.
Basically I am in a very unhappy marriage with my husband - our 4 years of marriage have been hellish, through little fault of our own. First my Dad got put in a psychiatric unit and then was told he had dementia and is losing it quickly, which heartbreaking. Now my Mum got ill with kidney disease through high blood pressure looking after him, he often yells at her and makes her life so hard and she is struggling to cope - she then calls me 5 times a day, which I am finding hard, especially as I go round whenever I can and try to help, when she lets me.
I got pregnant, which was one of the few happy times, but soon after the little was born I got bad post natal depression, as an intervention during the labour brought back memories of some abuse I'd suffered as a child and I kept getting flashbacks. Then, 2 months after that, my poor husband ended up finding out that not only did he have epilepsy, he also needed brain surgery to treat the problem that has caused it, he has consequently had to start taking medication and give up driving and cycling (he blames me for not being able to cycle, even though the doctors have told him not too).
On top of all this he had to reapply for his job. Then we found out there is a strong possibility his father is taking heroine. I am now back at work part-time and struggling to cope with all this stuff going on in my life. I love our beautiful little baby. But all this stress and craziness has put an insane amount of pressure on our relationship and the cracks are starting to show.
Everyone wants me to be there for them all the time. I am one person, how many people can I be there for? Everyone needs me to fight their battles, I had to organise/fight for my husband's op, my Mum and Dad's care etc etc. I am also a Mum. My in laws also expect a lot from me and often nitpick the way I bring up my daughter but rarely help or support.
The romance has gone out the window. I feel I just live with my best friend but the spark has gone and we've grown apart. I have been with him 11 years and never really been in a relationship before I met him. I think the last time we went on a date was about 3 months ago, and it was the 2nd date in 18 months. I feel so put upon and taken for granted and unappreciated. I know everyone else is having a hard time but feel it is all being placed on my shoulders. This was made apparent last Tuesday when I was told by my GP that I was going to be put on antidepressants to deal with everything as 'you have to stay strong for everyone else, if you fall down, the whole house falls down'.
I am 29! I am a working Mum! I want to just be a good Mum and want everyone else to stop taking me for granted. How can so much be on my shoulders? Why can't they help themselves? I'm so tired.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I met someone at my friend's wedding (a friend of the bride whom I had met before) whom I found very attractive. Nothing happened then, but we were talking and he told me he has been married for a year to an opera singer, who has now run off to be with someone else, he is devastated - I listened to him as he needed to talk about his problems that night and I could tell he was upset. I emailed him some photos after our chat at the wedding of him from the hen do and said he made me laugh (he asked me to jokingly dance with him at the hen do and was great fun). I also said he could ask me for a girl's advice on his marriage issues anytime. He then said he wanted to meet for coffee, so we did last Weds. Even though I knew I was attracted to him, I was not going to act on it. I also never thought he was attracted to me, but unfortunately as the evening went on it became apparent he really liked me. He tried to kiss me twice and kept complementing me. I asked him 'why are you being so affectionate to me?' he said 'because you deserve it and need some fun and happiness in your life'. He held my hand and took me to the Serpentine lake, we sat under the stars, arm in arm and talked about our life and all our problems. I have never felt so many butterflies or such a connection to anyone before v- I told him though, we can be no more than friends, as we're both married to other people and I am a mother. But he has been in contact again and me with him, sending me quotes from philosophers while I send him Joni Mitchell songs. He even send me a message from The Little Prince saying 'Everything is invisible to the eyes but visible to the heart.' This has all confused me even further and I cannot eat or sleep or do anything because my life is too mad now. He came and showed me a new life away from all my problems and made me feel so wonderful, but it is wrong and I should not have put myself in this situation. My husband knows I met him and said it was ok, as I genuinely thought we were just going to be friends, not that all this would happen. But now I can't stop thinking about him and want to see him again and just see what happens. I am so very very stupid.
I am so confused. I told my husband we need a few days apart, just so I can clear my head, not because of this new guy but because I feel suffocated in our relationship and the demands our parents place on us etc. I also need time to think about who I am now and what I want from my life.
I am so lost, I feel I am heading down a long abyss. Help, somebody, please. Thank you xx
First of all stop it with the hearts and flowers. It is nauseating.
If you don't want to be with your DH then do the decent thing and tell him.
Yes, you have a lot of shit going on in your life but that does not excuse your affair for one second.
I have told my husband. He does not understand. And I have not started an affair.
That was a harsh reply but probably your most sensible route out of the mess.
Your life sounds grindingly horrible. You have nobody to cherish or look after YOU.
Trust me, this bloke isn't the answer.
Get yourself done counselling and deal with the damage done to you in childhood and more recently.
You will realise eventually that you are your own saviour. This romantic stuff is an illusion. Gorgeous and tempting, but thoroughly unreal.
I know what talking about here.
Thank you Hanging. That means a lot...hugs x
I'm cross with this other guy, I feel he is intentionally messing with my head.
You have started an emotional affair OP. Own your behaviour.
So delete and block him. Go no contact. He can only mess with your head if you let him.
Katie, you are right oh no
I'm being harsh with you deliberately OP as you are sleepwalking into a world of pain.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yes..be cross with him. He is a creep taking advantage of your vulnerability
Katiescarlett, I don't think your response was helpful or very nice.
You have a lot of pressure on you and life is shit at the moment, but starting an affair is going to make it 10 times worse. Splitting up your family, telling everyone etc. You're putting more pressure on yourself. Once the reality of life with the OM kicks in, you'll still have the same problems and pressures.
Don't meet him, start by perhaps finding support groups out there you can talk to, or a RL friend you can confide in about your feelings, maybe even counselling. Try and find a solution to easing the pressure from your family.
If you are not happy with your husband then leave but don't use an affair as an excuse.
I agree with Katie. You are having an emotional affair.
You can't use your circumstances as an excuse. Your DH is ill and needing your support. As you say, he's your best friend. If others are suffocating you then say no to their demands.
You have out a huge amount of identifying stuff in your op. I know mumsnet feels like our own personal sounding board sometimes but anyone can read our posts on here so unless your emotional affair is common knowledge you need to be careful.
And it is majorly.off that you told your DH yoi met him and then were pretty emotionally unfaithful while your DH trusted you. Not good.
Yes, I wonder if he is taking advantage of me too but I am too infatuated to see it. I must look to my marriage first. Thank you Katie and Silverfoxballs. Be harsh with me, I deserve it.
I think Katie' s post was very helpful
It's really hard but this will just complicate matters. Your life sounds really tough and this will make it even tougher if you embark on anything with this man. Speak to your husband and tell him how you are feeling and get some counselling. Just avoid this man, if he really does like you then he will wait for you until / if you have decided if you want to give your marriage another go.
Work on your marriage (if you and your husband want to work it out). You can sometimes get the spark back but not while you're dolly-daydreaming over Valentino!! This guy seems like an attractive proposal because of life circumstances right now... This guy sounds like he's drip-feeding you a sob story and wants to get in your knickers! He may seem like a welcome distraction but you'd be better, imo, to stop communication and work on bettering what you have.
Flowerpot I don't give a shiny shit about whether you think I am nice. The OP already has far too much to deal with and my comments will be the least of her worries if she carries on down the path she is headed. OP needs to stop and think, not daydream of romantic locations with Mr Pushy while deluding herself that this is the solution to her pain. She IS having an EA and denial will not help one bit.
He's obviously not in a great place either having been 'dumped' and is maybe looking for this kind of relationship (a married woman) to make him feel like he is special enough. I dunno. It's just very, very messy. But also a bit teenage (sorry!). All the songs and poetry and stuff. It reminds me of that teacher that ran off with the 15 year old. I have been there myself (though I was younger than you and not married) and it doesn't last like that, it actually can't last like that, it just makes a mess.
You already have so much to deal with. Please don't add to it all with this. It will make things 100% worse, honestly.
Look. It's simple you are having a shit time and this smooth operator has sniffed you out as sad and vulnerable and thinks he will take advantage .
You will be compounding your problems x100 with your husband and all the other problems will still be there. Put your energy into your family and your marriage , an affair isn't the answer .
OMG OP the last thing you need is a heartless user - and he is - taking advantage of you. IF he was a decent bloke he would hold back and not inflict this crap on you at this crushingly vulnerable time in your life.
This "man" is a predatory creep. Please get rid of him. Believe me, I know how it feels to want to run from a miserable situation into the arms of someone else. But it's not even an escape. It's a dead-end trap.
The posters saying that you are having an emotional affair are right, however. You may be vulnerable but you are still an adult who is responsible for her actions.
Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine you had epilepsy and needed surgery and couldnt drive and were made to rely on your husband ! Now imagine you found out he was having an affair.
This is about escapism. Your life is difficult and you see skipping through the meadows with this chap as an appealing alternative. But stop to think about the reality - sneaking around behind your husband's back, lying to him and friends and family, your husband finding out, life becoming even more difficult for both of you.
I can see why you want to escape from your current situation, but actually, this isn't going to do it. It's only going to add to your problems.
Join the discussion
Please login first.