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Was I expecting too much

(77 Posts)
buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 09:46:59

I was 30 on Monday.
Dh asked for list of things to get weeks ago.
Asked for 2 things (not extravagant, less than he'd spend on his hobby stuff)

Morning of birthday, no presents, no card. Didn't even get ds to make me a card.

Just said, I didn't have time to get you anything, I'll do it after work. I was visibly disappointed.

I emigrated here to his home country, no family, not many close friends.

That evening he gave me presents & card, said we'll do something sat and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening.

It's Sat evening here now, I asked if we were doing anything, he stormed out for an hour, came back with ready mix for a cake.

Told him not to bother, I was disappointed with everything.

He told me I was an ungrateful brat, what I asked for was too expensive, I was a moody bitch all week. 'Fuck you and your fucking birthday'

Was I expecting too much, tbh I was sad this week. Missing my friends & family who would've celebrated my bday with me.

I knew he wouldn't have done anything big and that's fine but he had so much time to even have a card for me that morning or all day to do something like make a card with ds.

I know I'm too old for 'special birthday girl' strop but is it ok to be disappointed by this?

rainbowfeet Sat 07-Sep-13 09:53:47

He sounds like an arse!!! hmm

What a miserable birthday you must have had, if he wasn't willing to buy you the gifts you wanted then that's fine but he should have got you something else! Flowers, cake & a card doesn't cost the earth. shock

Can't stand men who are tight & stingey ... (My exh was.... Always bought my presents inc engagement ring out of joint account)!!!! hmm

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 10:07:24

Thanks Rainbowfeet! Yep, I think he's being an arse too but my thinking is clouded by what he's saying and I don't know if it was reasonable to expect to be treated nice on your birthday.

I'm sorry you were with someone so stingey x

NeedlesCuties Sat 07-Sep-13 10:46:58

"I don't know if it was reasonable to expect to be treated nice on your birthday."

OP, it is reasonable to be treated nicely all the time. Not having someone say "fuck you". I've been married 13 years and my DH wouldn't dream of saying that to me... well, he might say it in his head during a row, but has never said it aloud.

What do you do when it's his birthday? How is the rest of the time? Was he actually busy/too busy to sort things out for your birthday, or just not bothered?

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 11:25:51

We're a bit stressed at the moment because we're building a house.

He always leaves things to the last minute. He's now claiming he had a nice dinner planned for tmro and that I'm a brat who couldn't wait. That he had bought the presents & card but left them at work so couldn't have given them to me that morning.

I think he knows it's not good enough and lashed out on the defensive.

If what he says is true he could've said 'look sorry I don't have anything but you'll have them tonight, anyway happy birthday etc'

Or when u asked if we were doing anything 'no but I have dinner planned tomorrow'

I'm not unreasonable I would've been fine with that.

Just told him its not ok to call me names or say fuck you and he said its my behaviour that causes it.

Asked him to leave me alone, went on & on about how things are going to change, I have to help more with lawns and cleaning up, need to start doing laundry correctly.

For his birthday, I usually get a present & card, make him a cake with ds & take him out to lunch/dinner.

The stupid thing is the day before my bday was Father's Day here and I did all that.

We also met on my birthday date hmm

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 07-Sep-13 11:29:09

Absolute tosses, especially given that its also your anniversary and you'd done some nice stuff for him the previous day.

The lack of prezzy/celebration is bad enough, but teaming it with verbal abuse, crap excuses and criticism of your housework is totally unjust, whatever projects he is busy working on.

Selfish twat.

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 07-Sep-13 11:29:23

Tosser, sorry!

Gingerstrumpet Sat 07-Sep-13 11:31:15

You're with a man who doesn't treat you well enough.

I'm not going to say leave him, because that's a massive decision to make with lots of factors to consider.

But if you decide to stay with him you need to accept that you are going to spend a lot of time hurt and disappointed.

His treatment of you is extremely poor. Whether you choose to accept that long term is up to you.

I'm sorry you had a horrid birthday.

He's a lying, gaslighting, controlling twunt. How long are you prepared to put up with this?

And what terrible. 'incorrect' things are you doing to the laundry?

mamas12 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:38:21

Wow after you you treating him only the day before and then not doing a single thing for you is quite frankly upsetting at the very least
It shows a massive lack of respect and taking for granted attitude and you should not stand fir it
Stern words needed and if he expects more of your support he needs to step up to being a partner

Leverette Sat 07-Sep-13 11:39:20

Your expectations are too low.

NeedlesCuties Sat 07-Sep-13 11:42:39

Do you feel safe or isolated? Do you have any support where you are? I know you said you aren't in your home country, but do you have anyone you can feel close to?

What's he like with your DS?

By the way, Happy Birthday for Monday cake wine

somersethouse Sat 07-Sep-13 11:51:19

Firstly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Secondly, he is being horrible to you, sounds much like how my (d)H behaves. I have had the washing comment, cleaning comment. I expect nothing any more and am planning my escape!
I am also isolated and not in my home country, I am in his.

Keep strong OP. Sending love and flowers above all, know you are right, he is not being kind.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 12:10:27

Your expectations are unbelievably low

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 12:21:17

Thank you all, apart from him, I went out for icecream with my so that day so I had since day with him.

I am isolated but I don't feel unsafe, I know a few people here but not enough to talk about this with, they're nice though and I can distract myself with them.

His take on the whole thing is - he was working that day so couldn't do anything, he was planning something tomorrow.

In fairness, I'm not the best at housework. He has a really high standard whereas I'm happy with a less than pristine show house, I'm not dirty but not as good as him.

He's good with ds, very good, they have a loving relationship, always laughing and very affectionate.

I do all the laundry but not the way he likes e.g folding tho he never says anything till tonight, usually heavy sighs and refolding grin

Gingerstar, your post has made me think, thank you.

The thing I keep thinking about is I think he would've made a big deal of my birthday if we were at home and he had people to impress.

Family & friends think he's great and they were all asking how he was spoiling me.

Whenever we're around other people he really plays up, friends have told me 'God, he'd do anything for you, you're so lucky'

Yeah, anything except have a normal discussion.

He also told me tonight 'don't you dare write me a letter or an email, sending me an email during the day is rude when you know I'm working'

In the past, I've sent him an email trying to explain how I felt because its impossible to talk without him getting angry.

He is verbally abusing you and then has the fucking cheek to tell you that you "made him do it?". Appalling treatment that shouldn't be putting up with at any time, particularly on a big birthday.

You need to have a very serious discussion about his lack of respect for you, and if he won't listen, you need to start considering your options very carefully.

And if he doesn't like the way you do the laundry, he can do it his bloody self! Who made him king of all the laundry? I don't like the way my DH folds stuff, but I'm grownup enough to realise that's my problem, not his, and I have no right to tell another rational adult, my partner, how to do things or expect him to live up to my expectations rather than his own.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 13:01:46

I don't feel I can ever have a discussion with him, no matter how carefully I word it, he gets angry and defensive and it turns into him giving me examples of what I do wrong. If I were to talk to him about lack of respect for me, it would be that I don't respect him enough to clean the place better and leave it all to him etc etc.

2 or 3 times in the past I've written him a letter or email and it seems to get through to him & defuse the situation, though tonight he's told me not to dare write him a letter or email and how rude & unfair it is to have to get an email when he's working.

He's said before he'll speak to someone about how angry & mean he gets but I get now that was to shut me up.

A few weeks after he said he'd go, I asked if he'd gone or looked into it.
'No, and I'm not going to tell you when I do so don't ask again, it's something I'll do for me'
So he successfully put a stop to me asking again.

I have to read and re-read all your posts, I forgive easily so my son isn't in a tension filled atmosphere but nothing changes and it happens again and again.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 07-Sep-13 13:04:53

I am terribly sorry you have to put up with this abusive twat op. You deserve better.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 07-Sep-13 13:05:53

but remember you don't have to put up with him if you don't want to, I read back my post and realised it sounds as if you are stuck with this situation - you certainly are not. You deserve to be treated so much better than this

Fluffymonster Sat 07-Sep-13 13:54:34

Belated Happy Birthday OP. Your post is very sad - I can feel your hurt and disappointment, and you have a right to be.

I experienced something similar once. It was a Mothers Day - both our two young kids had been ill with sickness and diarrhoea. I had caught conjunctivitis myself, from non-stop changing dirty nappies, being touched/prodded by infected kids - and getting very little support from DP (he was working and actually had two nights out while I was stuck indoors with kids and conjunctivitis) - so Mothers Day came and I got nothing. I was hugely upset. I told him exactly how I felt - and what a shit I thought he was being. He did apologise but at the same time, justified it by saying he'd been working, there hadn't been much time, he'd been tired etc. I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around? He said he'd be OK with it, not as upset as I was being.

I drew a line there - as up until then, it was always me who had made more of a fuss for him, and bought nice presents that he took for granted. He's like that with his parents as well - they always remember his birthday, while he is hit and miss with theirs. His parents dote on him, and I think although he's generally kind, occasionally a sense of entitlement comes out.

The following year, when when it was his turn, I did nothing for him, for the first time ever. I didn't say anything about it, and I wasn't in a mood, it was just a normal day. He also didn't make a fuss and didn't mention anything. The kids made some cards from nursery. Christmas, instead of a big fuss/present, it was a dvd and a card. Valentines - nothing.

The next time Mother's Day rolled around again I got a back massage, taken out for lunch, posh chocolates, and two lovely cards - one from him and one from dcs. The telling thing was he muttered something along the lines of hoping he might get something for the next Father's day. LOL.

I'm not saying this is what you should do or would even have the patience for it. But his behaviour is indicative that the relationship is in a bad way, and something needs to change.

You are not expecting too much to want someone to show you they care.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 14:15:53

Would it be very childish to put the amount of money he spent on my presents in his bank account?

I feel he's taken the good out of it complaining how he spent more than he was willing to.

I even gave him website where they were cheaper and specified an older model so he wouldn't complain about the cost.

Everytime I use it now it annoys me but I don't want to throw it away, would sending him the money be ridic passive agressive?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 07-Sep-13 14:21:48

Don't send him the money.

Put it in a savings account for when you eventually leave his miserable, abusive arse.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:15:00

You poor thing. He years you with utter contempt. Please leave. Please.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:15:12

*treats

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 15:24:31

And by the way, expecting the person you share your life with to treat you with respect and to show you they care about and love you, however that may be, is not expecting too much- it's what you deserve.
He sounds like a total wanker.

MariaLuna Sat 07-Sep-13 15:30:54

I emigrated here to his home country

Do you live in a country where men are "head of the household", OP?

Whatever, he treats you with contempt. And like a child.

I agree, keep that money for a leaving fund.

kutee Sat 07-Sep-13 15:45:16

Wow. Need to be put that man in his place. I would not have that

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 16:06:03

God. How do people live like this?

Cerisier Sat 07-Sep-13 16:28:20

I am so sorry OP, this is no way to live. He sounds vile.

Send him an email. How dare he say 'Don't you dare'? What do you think he'll do, OP?

Capitola Sat 07-Sep-13 16:53:17

He sounds like a really unpleasant man.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 19:28:04

Do you realise that you are in an abusive relationship?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 19:41:07

sad my xp did this on my birthday, two years running. It's because he was an abusive man who knew that I was looking forward to my birthday and couldn't quite let me be happy. Bought me pressies afterwards but it was almost like saying "youll celebrate your bday when i say so". The fact you forgive easily is like me too.....I used to let big things go so as to avoid the tension.....just made him worse. I ended up living on egg shells. I got called names too. Reading your post made me sad for you. Please leave. It is not right and you deserve better.......xx

haverer Sat 07-Sep-13 19:56:20

He's awful. He is making you question your every move. Sending him emails because you can't talk to him about your reasonable and genuine grievances is bad enough, but now he's stopped you even doing that! WTAF? If he doesn't want to read an email he doesn't open it or doesn't read it, it's really quite simple. He is silencing you and removing your voice at every turn.
This man is very controlling and abusive. You're in a weak position (a mother, in his home country, noone close enough to discuss your problems with) and he's taking full fucking advantage. Do you want your DS growing up treating women like this? Because he will grow up seeing this as normal, and it doesn't matter how much you smile and pretend it's all ok. Can you call someone from home?

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 22:54:19

Hi, just woke up, he slept in the spare room. I have a massive headache.

We live in Aus. There are people I can speak to at home but I haven't because I know they'll be worried about me.

I don't know what would happen if I just sent him an email anyway but I don't want to. It achieves nothing, I try to make him see my point of view but it's disregarded as soon as something else happens.

Mammadigging I'm sorry this happened to you too.

Haverer, when you said he's taken away your voice is really ringing true to me. He's discouraged me from vocalising anything I'm unhappy with by blowing up when I do and now basically forbidding an email or lettersad

Fairenuff, I don't know if I'm in an abusive relationship. He's never hit me. He's thrown things and used to get really close to my face when we argued.

He stopped doing that when I told him I found it agressive.

There is something in me that I can't articulate...essentially I am scared of him sometimes. There's long stretches, even years where I'm not and everything's fine.

But something is stopping me standing up for myself and demanding to be treated better and I think that's fear of what'll escalate.

In every argument, I argue back a bit but then stop and let him go on or leave the room or house because I fear what'll happen. Like if the argument's bad enough he'll get worse.

We have a friend's birthday party today, I don't know if he'll end up coming. I hope not. A running theme of our relationship is us inthe car, me upset and him silently raging.

Thank you for your posts, you're helping me see things more clearly

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 23:04:55

You've practically had to beg for your birthday present. And he still fucked it up. It's no wonder you feel angry and upset, OP.

As to "don't you dare send me an email" - WTF is he going to do, sue you? He can't stop you doing anything you want to do.

You could be married to this prick for another 50 or 60 years.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 23:09:27

This really isn't acceptable, most relationships aren't like this and you don't have to tolerate this life.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 23:12:01

I think it's so sad that you're left thinking for a second that you were expecting too much. A loving, respectful partner wouldn't let you doubt for a second that you deserved to be cherished.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:18:29

Thank you for responding, it's a relief telling someone.

I don't want to live my life like this.

We very rarely have sex which was another big issue for me.

What he brings to my life is financial security and we parent our son 50/50.

I love him as my son's father, they're very close, always doing things together.

I don't think he's a narc or inherently abusive, I think he thinks I'm less than him.

He talks about me so proudly though. Whenever I meet his work mates or friends, they all say how often he talks about me so much and how much he loves me.

I don't know, my head is sore from thinking about it, thanks for responses

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:21:53

I'm sorry.

This is going to sound too much, but this really IS what's going down:

This is an abusive relationship.

The throwing things, getting up close... that'll escalate.

This is a Wtf do you expect woman, don't expact a fucking thing from me from now on, i've got you where I want you, no-one to save you, so what you gonna do about it kinda moment.

This is not going to get any better unless you make it a deal breaker.

Get yourself a ticket home and leave him to it.

Fuck what others will think, bollocks to gossip, naff off to anyone who is rude enough to ask.

When the time is right, you tell them that he wasn't the man you hoped he'd be.

Don't stay thinking he'll get better. He absolutely won't.

In fact, the only chance you have to make him change IS to leave him.

Please come home love? You've done nothing wrong, you deserve better than this!

Costypop Sat 07-Sep-13 23:24:38

LTB!!!

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:25:15

My ex was a complete bastard to me when we went to his land.

To all his friends, family, cousin he was besotted and devoted.

His cousin told me how much he loved me.

I showed the cousin a bruised and swollen elbow the size of a tennis ball.

Guess that was Egyptian for Love then was it? hmm

Is your OH Australian? Was your child born there?

Hissy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:26:21

Psst.. you're NOT less than him.

If he thinks this... he's abusive!

ghostmummy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:29:00

Tell him to leave, it's not a surprise it's your birthday he had a year to prepare NO EXCUSE, he is an idiot you deserve better.

OP, the reason he shows you off so proudly to everyone is that he sees you as a possession for everyone to admire. And the reason he gets so upset when you open your mouth is that possessions aren't supposed to have an opinion on how they are kept and treated.

He doesn't respect you as a person at all.

I'm sorry.

PS - abuse is not only physical. Please don't fool yourself into thinking he's not abusive because he doesn't hit you.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:39:24

Our son was born at home but we've been here two years. He has both citizenships.

I don't think the Australian courts will let me bring him home. sad

I'm a permanent resident not a citizen so I don't know what I'm entitled to. We're building a house at the moment and the 20% deposit came from inheritance on his side.

I feel trapped and I'm crying with the realisation.

He's just got up and gone to get wrapping paper, he's still raging.

I know what he's done all night is list everything I do wrong so he can justify being so angry

OP, you can make a happy life for yourself in Aus if you have to stay there to be with your son. What you don't need to do is stay with this man if you don't want to. Your options are not limited to coming home or staying with him.

buaitisi Sat 07-Sep-13 23:48:12

You're right, I don't feel I'm strong enough on my own though. My position is weak at the moment and I have to get stronger.

I have a p/t job and we live in an expensive area. My plan was go and re-train when my son starts school in Jan so I can get a better paying job and can rent somewhere ok.

We're building a house, not our names on the deeds but the full 20% deposit is his from inheritance so i think he has more ownership. If we sold once built, I wouldn't have any money.

If he doesn't come to the bday party, one of the other mom's is friends with a therapist and I think I'll ask her for a recommendation

Scattynicky Sat 07-Sep-13 23:53:35

Go back home to your family and friends and leave this pig while you can. Good luck x ps belated happy birthday

Fabulousleonora Sun 08-Sep-13 00:02:56

I am so, so sorry buaitisi. Sounds like you really don't bring out the best in each other anymore - sadly, we don't always fall in love with the right people.

But you can't just up and leave because you have your son to think of, and if he has a good relationship with his father, you wouldn't want to deprive your son of that. You will always have that connection, whether you like it or not.

He hasn't treated you well, and you deserve better - you must believe it! But he isn't necessarily a really bad guy; sounds like he is a good dad, which counts for a lot - things are strained between you two just now, and there could be lots of reasons.

But you mustn't put up with this miserable state. You have to think hard if you actually want to stay with him. If you do, couples counselling should really help - if he is willing to go. Sounds like he is unhappy too, so maybe he would?

NeedlesCuties Sun 08-Sep-13 06:52:21

Read this book

Why Does He Do That?

It really is helpful - explains types of abuse, types of abusers and strategies for leaving.

You really did deserve a birthday treat on your birthday, and you don't deserve this dogs abuse you're getting daily.

Vivacia Sun 08-Sep-13 07:01:55

leonora the advice I've read here time and again is not to go to counselling as a couple when one partner is abusive.

OP I think getting yourself somewhere safe and confidential to talk through this is a great idea. I also worry that this behaviour will escalate.

LoisPuddingLane Sun 08-Sep-13 07:49:12

So is the wrapping paper he has gone to get for the friend's birthday present? It seems he can remember and plan ahead for birthdays of others.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Sep-13 08:23:14

Again....the thing about your voice being diminished....you are being 'put in your place', where u can't air your views or feelings. That means he doesn't value those feelings. It's the most awful thing. When I told a friend Id asked him to leave, she got emotional during the conversation and started to well up, just at the fact that I was unhappy. I can remember really noticing it, thinking how lovely it was she cared about my feelings. He'd made me think my feelings and views were worthless.

cloudskitchen Sun 08-Sep-13 08:26:50

I'm sorry op but he sounds really mean. He's shutting you down verbally and emotionally. You don't stand up to him for fear of the backlash therefore he has created a position of complete control. You must feel very lonely in a different country with a man like this. At this moment I can't see any redeeming features. His way of getting out of the fact that he'd been completely selfish over your birthday was to make it all into your fault. from the sound of you coming across in your posts I expect you went to great lengths to ask for reasonable things for your birthday, but still he's made his failings your problem angry

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Sep-13 08:27:42

Posted too soon....
If you decide to stay with him, you must put a stop to him silencing you....you must be able to talk....even if emailing continues he has to bloody value it and rake it on board.

The thing about him being a good dad....I get it. He can still be a good dad if you and him are no longer together. It took me a long time to realise but you need to put yourself first in situations like this- in the long run it's what's best for the children too. They deserve their mummy to be happy.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Sep-13 08:30:59

Yes cloud...that's exactly it. Scared to stand up and put your view forward because of the backlash. You're a grown woman op, his equal...how dare he make you feel like you are not to question him/confront him.

WinkyWinkola Sun 08-Sep-13 08:35:03

He was bang out of order.

What a great guy. hmm

scallopsrgreat Sun 08-Sep-13 09:10:56

"Sounds like you really don't bring out the best in each other anymore" Nice bit of victim-blaming there. Making it sound like she is equally responsible for his abusive behaviour and attitude. He thinks of her as a lesser person. How exactly is she bringing that out in him?

"But you can't just up and leave because you have your son to think of..." These two things aren't mutually exclusive. What messages is your husband sending your son about how relationships are if he things you are a lesser person? Do you want your son to think his partners are worth less than him? Because that is what he will grow up thinking. And that isn't good for anyone. Leaving your husband will send a clear message that you don't have to put up with this shit and that type of attitude is unacceptable.

And absolutely no to couples counselling. Many women can tell you how bad that is with an abusive partner.

"But he isn't necessarily a really bad guy" Please don't minimise his attitude. He thinks buatisi is less than him. That is an abusive man (probably a misogynist). Painting him as misguided or thoughtless or whatever does not get to the root of the issue, his mindset. In fact it perpetuates this mindset, this sense of entitlement. It doesn't help buatisi, it doesn't help her son and it doesn't help him either. Name the problem for what it is.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Sep-13 09:32:59

Scallops- yes, yes, yes!! Amen to "name the problem for what it is". Well said.

Oh dear OP. Leaving the birthday thing aside for a minute...we teach people how to treat us you know. To this end I would send him an email at work just saying 'dear H, do NOT tell me when I can and cannot send emails, how fucking dare you. Yours etc'

buaitisi Sun 08-Sep-13 10:46:53

Everyone whose written posts, thank you so, so much.

We went to bday party for son's friend today, we're friends with the parents so we stayed for most of the day.

He said sorry on the way back. I just accepted it, don't want to get into another row.

The wife today gave me the number of her therapist friend, I'm going to meet her to recommend someone to talk to.

There's been a course I've been looking into that I'm going to enrol in, the plan being u get a better job and I'm in a better position to leave him soon.

I've stopped caring enough to try and make him see my point of view, all I get is abuse for it.

I know it's weak to stay but I can't leave right now and give my son a good life.

I'm going to accept all invitations and try to get closer to the people I already know so I have support when I leave.

He's very charming, I don't want to go to couples counselling and have them agree with him.

I just want to let him think everything's fine and not risk a fight and more verbal abuse, I find myself thinking he might be right.

I'm going to save everything you've all written and keep re-reading it, thank you all

tribpot Sun 08-Sep-13 10:59:11

Developing an exit strategy is no bad thing, OP. Detach and prepare yourself to leave on your terms when you're ready.

buaitisi Sun 08-Sep-13 11:14:52

Thank you tripbot, I wrote d&o on my hand today to remind me to detach & observe.

Now I'm seeing things more clearly, I could see today how much of a fake he is.

Full of rage and self righteous anger with me this morning and ten mins later acting like the loving husband.

Meanwhile, everyone prob thought I was quiet and stand offish because I was trying to hide my upset.

Because I'm genuinely sad and heartbroken at how I let myself be treated and he's prepared to put on any face to be the best.

I feel numb contempt for him this evening, much better than the panic I was feeling last night.

Have to keep it up though and not believe his nice guy act anymore because I know it's an act now and the real him is the one in my face, full of anger calling me horrible names.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Sep-13 11:17:49

Is there anyone in rl that you could share this with. You do not have to keep up his charade of being MrNiceGuy.

ginslinger Sun 08-Sep-13 11:21:49

please keep talking to people here. You really do deserve so much better than this but I get that it's difficult to leave right now, but think about it, plan for it.

carlywurly Sun 08-Sep-13 11:34:11

Op, he sounds an awful lot like my xh. Counselling really helped me (alone, not together) work it through. Just as I was on the verge of leaving I discovered his affair which ironically helped speed the process up.
It is abuse, and for me it was neglect also, it's just hard to see that when you're in the midst.

Vivacia Sun 08-Sep-13 11:41:29

Planning and organising an exit strategy is not weak. I think it's unrealistic to expect that you would just walk out and leave tonight.

bustedmonkey Sun 08-Sep-13 11:51:23

Sorry to hear that. My H is also like this, I booked my own 30th dinner. Got no gifts. In fact, all my b'days were like that. However, he got dinners in lovely restaurants.

In any case, that's one thing and abusing you is another. Totally out of order, you have a right to expect people not to shout/swear at you. He needs to learn to respect you, and only you can teach him that needs to do that, i.e. if you put up with it he wont change his ways. I'm sure more experienced mumsnetters have/will come along to advise.

CinnamonAddict Sun 08-Sep-13 12:03:02

OP, I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Your plan sounds good. Make sure he doesn't get wind of it and tries to prevent you leaving. He sounds very manipulative.

I bet if you start making closer friends and talk about your situation, (and when you leave him) you will find that people did notice he wasn't all Mr NiceGuy. Some people can always see through the front he's putting on. They will just be careful to say anothing before you do, because they don't want to hurt you even more.

Good luck.

alwaysonmymind Sun 08-Sep-13 12:08:41

My STBXH ( can't believe I get to type that!) always did that to me on my birthday. He never bothered and always said well the day isn't over but then he just had to work late and get caught in traffic etc etc. he really couldn't cope with me having any form of attention. He didn't tell the kids it was my birthday last year - they thought I was joking when I told them sad. I won't forget the eldest who looked horrified when she said but why didn't daddy tell us cos I would have made you a card. She was 8.

I have struggled to leave and am stuck in the same house as him but it is good to have a long term plan to get you through til the end

haverer Sun 08-Sep-13 14:59:50

I was in a similar position a few years ago - living abroad with an abusive husband and DC (one born there). When I started to see (with the help of mumsnet) that I wasn't being over sensitive, lazy, stupid, yadda, yadda, I was overwhelmed. And lots if people were saying LTB straight away. I didn't feel able to leave (practically, logistically, emotionally) it took all my efforts to process the realisation about my relationship. I will say that the time between realising how abusive he was, and actually leaving was very hard, and if i could change anything i would have left sooner. But I used the time to get advice and plan for life post-split. You seem to be making a start on that already. A therapist is an excellent start, as is shoring up local friendships and support systems. You're doing so well and being really clear headed. Living with someone like that is so hard, anything else is a walk in the park in comparison.
Speak to women's aid. Because he is abusive. Also speak to a lawyer with experience in family law with an international dimension. And from my experience, your family will want to know if you're going through this. How would you feel if your own DS kept something from you to stop you worrying?

buaitisi Sun 08-Sep-13 23:39:28

Thanks all, unfortunately I've lost some of my resolve today and I'm feeling really down.

He went to work, I was hanging washing out. Hug and a kiss and told to wish him luck today as he's going to have a stressful day.

It hit me that now he thinks it works to talk to me like that - his tactics worked to shut me up and I'm the good little wife hanging out the clothes while he - the most important one - needs support because he's got a stressful day.

I've been rightly out in my place and he's happy out now that I seemed to get it.

cloudskitchen Mon 09-Sep-13 09:14:25

Hi there. A resolution to a situation like this does not happen overnight. You don't need to make instant decisions. Perhaps just work on your independence (which may may improve things in your marriage anyway) and then if in the future you decide enoughs enough, you are ready. Try not to let him erode YOU any further x

ginslinger Mon 09-Sep-13 10:07:11

play a long game Buaitsi. Smile and nod for now and work on what you're going to do. Keep talking here and try and find some real life support too. Make sure you clear the computer each time so he can't find anything. There have been some very useful threads of what you need to do to make plans for leaving. There are a lot of women here who have a lot of understanding of what you are going through.

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