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Desperate to get her back, our unborn son deserves but of his mum and dad!

(76 Posts)
Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 06:49:51

Firstly, I hope it's not inappropriate for me as a man to venture on here for help and apologies if it is? Yes, a relationship has gone wrong, yes I am to blame, yes I love her and yes, I want us to be a family both for the benefit of our unborn son and for us. My girlfriend fell pregnant after only 3 months, we're not young, I'm 10+ years older than her (she is 30+) and after a few weeks of knowing she was pregnant I acted like a total idiot and distanced myself from her completely. I kept in touch by text almost daily and saw her a few times, went to the 20 week scan but, through what I now know was a fear of commitment having been both 'cleaned out' financially and emotionally in the past, I lied to both myself and her and said I didn't think we had a future together. That was one of the biggest mistakea I have made in my entire life, I've been a total idiot, I now know I love her to bits, I very much want her back for her and for us to bring up our unborn son as a family (she has 8 weeks to go). Having seen her about 5 weeks ago I very much knew this but I missed the opportunity to tell her, having tried to we see her again I then got the bombshell by text that she had met somebody else, it destroyed me and the feeling I had only confirmed to me how much I love this woman. I have emailed and text and asked her to see me but to no avail, I strongly believe we owe it to our unborn sun to try every possible avenue in our relationship before we completely walk away. I want to be there for our son regardless, but he deserves better from us both as his parents. No, we don't know each other having only been together for a few months but I love her, I want her, I will give her my everything and I have told her that both by email and text, sadly she will not see me face to face. I have asked to meet to discuss the future well being and upbringing of our son but have had no response. I don't wish to have confrontation, my texts, my emails and my calls receive no response. I know I have let both her and our unborn son down, I was a total idiot but the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman, I want to commit my all to her but am failing miserably in being able to prove it given my performance to date, but I hold my hands high and admit it and just ask for the opportunity for a second chance. Can anybody advise on how I may be able to rescue this tragic situation so that we can give our son the very best opportunity when he arrives in this world? I know it's a tough call and like I said at the beginning I apologise if it is inappropriate in this forum (let alone the length of my ramblings) but I could find nowhere else to go.
Thank you in anticipation and indeed for reading this far.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 06:57:09

I think the only chance you have, is to be a loving and reliable father to your child, and hope that given time she will forgive you and fall in love with you again. But it is probably unlikely, given that she has met someone else

InsultingBadger Sat 07-Sep-13 07:00:55

You need to prove to her that you can be a consistent father then maybe she will see what you want her to. Actions speak louder than words

TeeBee Sat 07-Sep-13 07:06:15

Of course it's not inappropriate, you are very welcome here. But we are very straight talking, so be prepared for that.

If I got pregnant and the father of my child reacted like that, I also would have nothing to do with him. Anyone who is unsure of their feelings towards me would have to go in that situation. Just because you have suddenly had a personal epiphany, I don't really see why you are expecting her to roll over. It is not in her best interests, or the best interests of your child to be with two people who dont have their relationship sorted.

My best advice would be to leave her alone. Be a decent man and respect her wishes, if you care one jot about her. Give her some space, then offer her support with your son. You will still be his dad. Start thinking how you can play a major role in your child's life and hopefully have a good relationship with the child's mother. Then, maybe you can salvage some type of relationship.

davidtennantsmistress Sat 07-Sep-13 07:06:53

Agreed, in her mind you will have left during a time which was meant to be special and with her at her most vulnerable. I think currently any hope of a reconciliation needs to be back footed until you prove she can rely on you to be there.

something2say Sat 07-Sep-13 07:12:31

Also you sound as tho you have made your decision and she has to abide by it.

Endless calls and texts that she simply has to respond to right?

Otherwise what?

You are bordering on harassment. Be careful she doesn't report you.

I'd back right off if I were you and suffer the consequences of your actions and wait to see what she does. N you abandoned your pg girlfriend at a vulnerable time. She would be foolish to trust you now.

TiredyCustards Sat 07-Sep-13 07:14:47

Sounds like you've blown it. Focus on being a good father and stop pressuring her.

This talk of the dc deserving both his parents sounds like you're trying to guilt trip her into a relationship, sorry.

kittybiscuits Sat 07-Sep-13 07:16:47

I notice, OP, how much you swing between taking the blame and saying everything is your fault, then actually inferring criticism on your ex for not 'doing the best' for your unborn child. Given the way you have behaved, I don't think that will help you. In fact some people might think it is an abusive trait. Did your realisation that you love her coincide with realising that she had moved on?

If you are serious about wanting to be with your ex, and are not just having a tantrum because you didn't get to click your fingers and get her to come back, I would focus on listening to her, respecting her wishes and supporting her in any way she allows you to. But mostly, if I were you, I would concentrate on not stalking her, and on looking at your tendency to feel blame for your ex, even though this came about through your actions. I don't mean to be unkind. No one owes you a second chance. Acting as though you deserve it is awful. You can't commit your all to her. You don't know her well enough. Maybe take your foot off the gas because you are adding pressure to the situation. As others have suggested, be a decent Dad and see if anything changes in time.

christinarossetti Sat 07-Sep-13 07:17:01

I don't understand why the text was such a bookshell if you were the one who left and hadn't made any attempts at a reconciliation.

Tbh sounds like it was fact that she met someone else spurred you into action which is called jealousy not love.

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 07:22:42

I think the best you can do is back off, offer support (yes that does mean financial) and say you wish to be a part of your sons life.

It does sound as if you think she should just accept your whims on this relationship. I cannot imagine how she felt dumped and pregnant. I am also tempted to think you thought she'd stay available for you to pick up if you didn't get a better offer and when it wasn't 'challenging'. I.e. not expected to offer any support to a pregnant woman.

Ask yourself what your honest reaction will be if you have no chance with her and she stays with another man? Will you financially support that child willingly? Will you put your own feelings second and commit to giving the mother of your son enough support to bring up the child unstressed and threatened? If so...you should be able to come to a parenting arrangement which means your son benefits.

If you have a reaction of a toddler denied their toy then she's best off never seeing you ever again

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 07:24:07

the last few months has proved to me how much I love this woman

But they didn't prove it to her. The few months before that proved that you didn't love her, and were willing to ditch her whilst she was pregnant. She is in the last weeks of pregnancy, having done it all essentially alone, and now you're wanting detailed discussions about the upbringing of a baby who isn't even born yet. Frankly I wouldn't want to talk to you either - you've done enough damage for this pregnancy and can flipping well wait til she's ready to talk on the other side of it. Why would she let you back in? You might decide it was 'all too much' and do a bunk - again.

I'm not suggesting you aren't sincere in your remorse - you aren't the first person to panic in pregnancy or in any highly charged emotional situation. You aren't the first person who genuinely regrets the things said in the past and the damage that they did.

But sometimes you don't get a second chance. She doesn't have to come back to you for the sake of the baby. This is not the moral imperative you seem to think it is. Above all the baby needs stability and to be quite honest you represent a risk to that, whatever your good intentions are now.

If she's met someone else - well, tough, I'm afraid. You had your chance and it looks as if you may have blown it. She was a free agent and just as entitled to meet someone new as you were.

You can still co-parent successfully although you may need to be very patient in the early days when the baby needs close contact with its mother. Phrases like 'raise the baby as a family' just get on my wick - there's more than one type of family. But what unites all the good ones is that the baby knows it is loved and cherished by all the parents involved in its care, and that all the parents demonstrate mutual respect and kindness towards one another.

Bottom line: this isn't about you and what you want. You can't expect her to come back just because you're sorry. You can make clear that you respect her new relationship but you love her and would really like to give things another try, but in the meantime you want to be the best dad you can be. Good luck.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 07:30:21

What they all said. Constantly texting calling and emailing a woman, especially when she is 32 weeks pregnant, is bordering on harassment. In fact it is harassment.

She's not an incubator and she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you. Sorry but that's the fact of the matter. Back off, send her one email stating that you care deeply for her and apologise for the past including the pestering, reassure her that you will provide financial support and want to be involved with the child. That's all you can do.

If she doesn't name you on the birth certificate (and she doesn't have to) it is fairly straightforward to get parental responsibility.

But the best thing you can do is get it into your head that you're not entitled to a romantic relationship with her just because you are having a child together and respect her wishes. Sounds like you think you should call the shots - first you dump her, then you want her back and expect her to fall into line. It doesn't work that way.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 07:31:25

X post with tribpot. Totally agree.

It is not inappropriate for you to ask this question.

But there are women here who HAVE been abandoned by the father of their child, who HAVE had to deal with endless phone calls and texts when he 'sees the light', who HAVE found the strength to go on, to deal with pregnancy alone, to bring up a child with no support from the father.

It is those women I admire and respect.

You acted immorally and in a cowardly way. It is to your credit that you now realise this, but in her shoes it would take a very long time to forgive you and would be impossible to trust you ever again.

If she wants you to have a relationship with this child, then do it RIGHT. if she doesn't want to see you ever again, do that properly as well and respect her.

sad

something2say Sat 07-Sep-13 07:36:13

I must ask as well, what happened within the last few months to make you realis pe you love her? You haven't been together so presumably you haven't been having a wonderful time together, so is it all in your mind? And you want her to plan her life sound your quicksand, which may not turn out to be safe for her, based on your track record, and she won't..and what?

I think you have blown it and ought to back off and do what the others suggest ie be a good dad, give money for your child and not be jealous that she met someone else. If you try to use the child as a way to control her then this is abusive and controlling and you saying that you are the man and what you want goes and you will drag her back because she has to do what you want and you will use a baby to control her. I would proceed very carefully if I were you if you want to demonstrate that you are a good guy.

Are you a good guy? Leaving her when pg and then demanding her back? And then harassing her and coming on her asking us to help get what you want regardless of her wishes?

Dam58 Sat 07-Sep-13 07:38:04

Seems to me you only really realised you loved her when she met someone else? Bet you didn't expect that did you?

I wonder if this apiphany would have occured had she not?

It is quite common for some men to enjoy the control a pregnant woman affords them.

I really hope she's not foolish enough to feel she owes you anything or that it is better for her son if she is with you.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 07:41:45

Actually looking after a brand new baby, is a massive shock to the system. You might freak out and leggit again. I think she would be ill advised, to take you back

christinarossetti Sat 07-Sep-13 07:45:36

Agree. OP you've got plenty of work to do in terms of being a decent role model for your son and the values (I assume) you would like him to have ie honesty, loyalty, respect for others, integrity, self-awareness etc

Maybe focus your energy on that rather than harassing a heavily pregnant woman.

calmingtea Sat 07-Sep-13 07:50:30

Let her go. And get a nice therapist so you can work out why you behaved like an man-child and then followed it up by harassing and controlling her with endless messages. You seem to lack any empathy in your post for what you did to her, you utterly destroyed her and was not there for her during her pregnancy, at a time when she is feeling in need of support. She doesn't owe you a happy family.

If I were to take back a man, in a scenario like this, I would run the other way if I was put under pressure. You need to back off and prove that you are changing. See a therapist, make changes and hope. It is her choice at the end of the day.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 07:51:18

I too think you have blown it and I bet you got a massive rush of physical emotion when she said she had met someone else .

Just because you have feelings it doesn't make the situation right mr "meant to be " . Love isn't enough. Trust ? Stability ?

Look , if you love and care for them , there is only one thing you need to do here . Respect her wishes as a mother and listen to her . Listen. Learn . Let her be the mother she wants to be. Let her go and carve her way with baby and partner and then when you have earned some trust only then will you be able to be a father .

There is a much bigger picture here which does not revolve around your emotions and wishes .

I think you have been very weak and that is the last think she would want in her life at the moment and yes honestly it is too little too late .

Man up , step up , listen , be patient . Earn her trust .

TVTonight Sat 07-Sep-13 07:51:24

I'm also going to urge you to step back.

Have a think back to when you were behaving like an idiot: think about perhaps write down some of the things you said and did.

Now she will believe you meant those, and you have to accept that. And she won't/shouldn't believe that over the space of a few weeks that you've fundamentally altered - you are forty FGS!
A few texts will persuade no-one that the level of flakiness you have Shown has gone away.

In your position I think your best options are to:start respecting her decisions; you need to behave like a decent father from day 1 and you need to accept that how you behaved is (rightly) for most people unforgivable, and still choose to behave respectfully and decently.

You have ruined enough of her pregnancy so No More Drama please

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 07:55:54

Loads of good advice on here OP. It's your reaction that is going to be telling.

I doubt you are capable of putting yourself in her shoes and considering what is best for her. That's what someone who really loved her would do.

Best for you would be to scupper her new relationship, place emotional guilt on her about 'doing the right thing by her unborn son', show the pics of newborn to your mates and absorb congratulations about being a dad and then probably fuck off just when the lack of sleep hits hardest

Think hard

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 07:56:01

I think you need to take a step back, and then read what chubfuddler and tribpot have said.

Bluntly, not one single word you have written sounds loving to me. It is all about you and how you feel, with a slice of self-righteousness in your insistence that risking a romantic relationship with you is automatically in your child's best interests. (As the product of an incredibly nasty divorce when I was 3, I can assure you that it is not a slam-dunk assumption at all.) If you love her you will realise you have caused her huge and devastating pain, that as a result she is under no obligation whatsoever to feel anything towards you but resentment, and that if she has met someone else you should respect that, wish her well, and offer whatever support she needs to parent. That is how you show her you love her. Not by making demands and focusing on your needs, but by trying to make your presence in her life less of a strain, drain and misery than it must have been for the duration of her pregnancy.

Love is not dwelling on how you feel. It is being mindful of how the loved one feels. You sound obsessed, to be honest, and that's not remotely related to love.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:00:17

Well op. every single response has been along the same lines.

What do you think you are going to do?

Roshbegosh Sat 07-Sep-13 08:01:26

Next time, if a pregnancy is so horrifying for you, keep the sperm under wraps.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 08:03:36

Actions speak louder than words .

And bear in mind the story or two people fighting over a child , holding it by each arm pulling it towards them , saying its mine , no it's mine

The true parent was the one who let go of the child's arm as it was being hurt

CailinDana Sat 07-Sep-13 08:12:54

Totally agree with everything rhat's been said so far. Calling texting and emailing a woman who is about to face the most massive change in her life is nasty cruel behaviour. Leave her alone have some bloody respect.

Out of interest from a purely financial point of view how much have you contributed so far?

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:14:50

The CSA assesses child support for 1 child at 15% of net earnings btw op. when you're apologising you might make it clear that you are intending to honour that.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sat 07-Sep-13 08:20:21

Agree with everyone else. Except I'd go further. I don't think for a moment what you're experiencing is a sudden epiphany. I think you're suffering from a bad attack of dog-in-the-manger-itis. You don't want her yourself, but you don't want anyone else to have her either. And trust me, if you were unable to handle the stress of her being pregnant, you sure as hell won't manage the hundred-fold increase in stress that is life with a new-born. I wish your ex every happiness in her new relationship.

Send her a dignified letter apologising for your crap behaviour in dumping her at a very vulnerable time in her life, and for harrassing her subsequently. Make sure that you don't try to make excuses for your behaviour or attempt to minimise it, and most importantly, don't try to shift any of the blame onto her. Offer to be part of the child's life on her terms, not yours. Then step back and see if she chooses to take you up on the offer.

Whocansay Sat 07-Sep-13 08:30:37

Does she post on here? If so, coming on here is a REALLY bad idea as it will make you look like a stalker.

You abandoned her and your child when your partner was hugely vulnerable. If she had you back she has no guarantees that you wouldn't 'make a mistake' and do it again. She moved on. Leave her alone and deal with co parenting.

And PS, your actions caused all this. Not her. She has just got on with her life.

missalien Sat 07-Sep-13 08:37:29

Have you given her any money so far ?

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 08:40:38

I fear the op has abandoned thread because he's not hearing what he wants to hear.

Which seems to be a pattern with him....

Rooners Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:25

I think you probably only want her back because you know she is with someone else.

It's a kind of natural emotion but it won't make up for the fact you treated her like shit and she lost all faith in you.

You can't get that back now. You have, in other words, blown it.

I'd suggest you leave her alone.

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:49

Either you are lacking in self-awareness or responsibility because I think it is ridiculous to suggest, as you have, that your abandonment of her and the baby during the pregnancy was somehow beyond your control. She had no option to run away from this, you running from it both blames her and abdicates your responsibility, and she would be totally reasonable to really resent you, both for you doing it and for your attitude that suggests you feel it was just something that happened and she should get over it.

It was a massive and unacceptable failure on your part for which, as a man 10 years older, you have little to no excuse. You still don't get it now and you're still blaming her.

I agree with the others that what you are doing is harassing and guilt tripping her which is abusive behaviour.

The relationship is over. Let it go.

I share other's doubts that off the basis of this you will achieve being a good parent. Stability is what is important not parents being in a relationship, giving it a try with you would be insane. She is absolutely being a good mother by refusing to but more than that it sounds like she has moved on with someone else. Leave her alone, she doesn't want you and that should be enough to stop all the harassing texts.

You will do yourself no favours asking to meet up to speak about shared parenting when actually you just want to harangue her about being in a relationship. You come across still as not caring at all about the child, or her, only about yourself.

There are only 8 weeks left of the pregnancy, you seriously need to get a grip of yourself and get your priorities in order. Get some counselling, do some parenting classes, start contributing financially basically focus on being at least an adequate father and expect her to never want to have any relationship with you again. The best you can hope for at this stage I would say is that you can eventually prove you are a committed and caring father to the child and she may then trust you enough for there to be a civil and co-operative parenting relationship between you. If I were her I would be seriously worried about your parenting abilities and wary about allowing you to see the child.

Xales Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:09

She has met someone else. You had your chance and blew it. She owes you nothing in terms of a romantic relationship.

All you can do is concentrate on being the best father you can to this child and a decent ex to your ex.

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 08:52:22

And seriously the utter gall of you lecturing her about good parenting, entirely motivated by trying to bully her into doing what you have now decided you must have, when you know nothing of good parenting and have had nothing to do with what should have been the shared experience of the child during pregnancy really sticks in my craw.

I feel so so sorry for this poor woman.

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:53:03

I too suspect OP has left because he's either left his message for his MNetting ex or we are not saying the right things....

TiredDog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:54:07

..or possibly will return to say he knew we'd be against him from the off just because he's a man

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:10

I am rather wondering if he knows how much a cot and mattress, decent buggy/pram, car seat, and clothing for the first 6 months cost. Especially as car seat and mattress must be brand new - no Ebay finds possible. If he really wanted to show willing I think a good way to start would be to send a cheque for as much as he can reasonably afford towards those costs with a note explaining what the money is for.

FatalFlowerGarden Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:17

I'm another one who's interested to know what prompted the realisation that you are 'in love' with a woman you (by your own admission) barely know and haven't had any proper contact with for months?

You're not in love, and she knows it. You've blown your chance. She's taken you at your word - you told her there was no future for the two (three) of you, so all she's done is got on with things. She had no choice, after all, did she?

You can't just turn around now and expect her to come running. You had no thought for what was 'best' for your unborn child when you abandoned her, but you're happy to harrass her with emotional blackmail now that it suits you?

If I were in your shoes, I would email her once more to ask for her bank details so you can set up a standing order for 15% of your salary. Tell her you would like to be part of your child's life but that you are not going to hassle her anymore about a relationship with her. And then leave her alone.

You made your choice months ago. Have some respect and let her make hers.

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 09:01:52

I think you should concentrate on trying to be a father to the child. I'm a bit amazed that she has met someone while pregnant with another man's child. And the getting pregnant after three months with you? Is she a bit flaky? I can't see that you love her. Not really. I think you are panicking about being a dad and being separate from your child. I'd concentrate on healing that. Good luck.

Squitten Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:23

From what I have read there, it sounds like this is all about what YOU want OP. When YOU decided you didn't want to be involved, you dumped her. Now that YOU have decided that you do want to be involved, you are harrassing her until she agrees to it.

NOT the behaviour of someone who wants to make amends!

Your relationship with her is irrelevant at this point and you cannot force her to be a "family" with you. After the way you have behaved, surely you can understand why she does not want this?

All you can demand, and you have the right to do it, is to have a relationsip with your baby. This is a two-way street. You must provide financially for your child and organise a proper schedule of visitation, respectful of any factors such as her breast-feeding the baby, etc. You should probably organise all of this via a solicitor for now so that everyone is clear where they stand. Perhaps, in time, if you prove yourself to be a good person and a good father, she may change her mind about you. But that is for HER to decide. Not YOU.

If you can't do any of that OP, you are better off leaving them both well alone. Your child will be better off with no father at all rather than one who makes his/her mother's life miserable, refuses to provide for them and is inconsistent.

Chubfuddler Sat 07-Sep-13 09:03:56

You think she sounds flaky nkf?

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 09:05:34

I think they both do.

Yama Sat 07-Sep-13 09:08:16

To me, it reads like you just don't want another man bringing up your child.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 09:08:37

Oh yes, I forgot. When men abandon you in early pregnancy you're supposed to put on a burqa, remain faithful and devoted, and yearn for their manly arms. Not get on with your life like an actual adult and realise the brief fling leading up to the accidental conception should not define your life. This new relationship may in fact be with an old friend. It could be an ex. You have no idea, and nor do we. Yet confronted with a post from a man harassing a woman he's previously deserted, your response is that her having someone else makes her "flaky"?

She's pregnant. This does not make her the OP's property. That comment and the unthinking misogyny underlying it disgusts me. And it echoes, actually, the entitlement the OP displays here.

FatalFlowerGarden Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:38

It's entirely possible that she told the OP she'd met someone else to get him to leave her alone, no?

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:15

I don't think she sounds flaky at all, off the basis of what nkf? Getting pregnant was not her fault, it was something that happened to both of them and nothing to do with flakiness. I think in the era of modern contraception it is easy to forget exactly how easy it is to accidentally fall pregnant.

Meeting someone else while pregnant is flaky? Why? I'd be worried it was the opposite actually, that she might be making too much investment too soon in a relationship because she was worried about being alone.

By maintaining dignified silence and not being swayed by all the blackmail I think she's displaying signs of being very stable and committed to the baby. Presumably it must be very difficult to not give in to this type of bullying when you were not the one who ended the relationship and you are vulnerable by way of being pregnant.

Yama Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:36

Yes, I am rather disappointed by the 'flaky' comment. Good post PerfectStorm.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 09:12:59

The OP seems pretty clear he'd not told her of his newly discovered feelings when he got the text saying that, though.

I do wonder what more she could do to indicate her disinterest in the OP at this stage, however. Short of a solicitor's letter requiring that he leave her alone, I can't think of much.

YoniMatopoeia Sat 07-Sep-13 09:15:08

Do we think the op will come bacl?

Offred Sat 07-Sep-13 09:16:41

No, don't think he will come back.

Think it was a message to his ex who may use MN.

I'm at the same gestation as she is. I'm emotionally vulnerable, physically uncomfortable, and increasingly anxious about L&D and caring for a newborn.

If I were choosing between a man who had dumped me a few months ago just when I needed support and was now pestering me with alternately pleading and accusatory messages, or a man who was offering support and to take on another man's child... Well now let me think.

Bant Sat 07-Sep-13 09:19:06

No, we wants to have a bunch of women sympathising and cooing over how lovely and romantic he is, and how he just needs to keep stalking her and she'll come around.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Sep-13 09:52:17

She's had around half a year to get together with someone else; even if she didn't know them before, that's not exactly indecently quick.

Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 10:04:41

Thank you all, firstly for allowing me on here and for your openness. To answer a question raised, I really don't know if she is on here, I purely came on here for some good, honest help and I have received that so thank you. I also understand and respect the general tone of some comments, I fully understand that but please be assured the last thing I wanted was sympathy and cooing, I could find no fathers-to-be forum like this so came here for help for the benefit of my unborn son, me feelings towards his mum are a side line, I want my son to have his real dad in his life as I truly believe he deserves that, at the moment there is a real risk of me being totally excluded and irrespective of his mum choosing another (totally my fault I know,) I want to be there and very much involved.
I must say I have not harassed her and I knew my real feelings before she told me she had met somebody else, I thought we were rebuilding something, she was sharing things with me that she had never done before, indeed I was wanting to show her I loved her properly and the last thing I expected was open arms, I knew I had to gain her trust back.
I know I have let her down at the worst possible time, she owes me nothing, I know that.
To answer some questions I have indeed bought things for our son, I was always assured her that I would be involved and support our son fully, we discussed things that are needed and I have bought them and will very much continue to do so. Unfortunately, I no longer have a communication route open to continue to do that properly.
I do understand the cynicism, I respect your opinions, I will continue to read your comments, thank you.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 10:15:40

Moving forward presumably you can email her? I would suggest that you email her and ask to provisionally arrange some regular contact for after the baby is born and what does she think would work? Hopefully a quick visit whilst she is still in hospital and then a few weeks/months later start brief visist a couple of times per week depending on how it's all going?

All you can ask is that you would like frequent contact but understand that in the early weeks this may depend on her recovery. Set up a maintenance standing order to her. Before turning up for contact you could check if she needs anything picking up from the shops or anything? If she chooses to bottle feed then hopefully you can arrange to take your child out for a few hours and give her break if she feels ready to do so.

Hopeimallowed Sat 07-Sep-13 10:28:43

Thank you RandomMess, I have emailed and text her to ask if we can meet face to face so we can talk solely about our son's future and wellbeing, sadly I've had no reply. I don't want go to her house and cause confrontation on any front however, I also don't want a call saying "my son was born a week ago".

nkf Sat 07-Sep-13 10:31:35

Stop talking about what you want. What can you offer a child? That's the issue now.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Sat 07-Sep-13 10:33:40

Well unfortunately given your behaviour towards her and your child you have lost the right to expect anything from her in terms of when you find out that the child has been born. LEAVE HER ALONE. I can't believe that someone has suggested you go to the hospital. You need to sit back and wait. Arrange for regular financial support for the child and stop the emails amd the harrassent. Because THAT is what it is.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 10:43:55

Well you have missed my point.

Send her one email, explaining you would like to be involved in your dc life and what does she think would provisionally work.

Explain that you hope to be allowed to come and visit dc briefly shortly after the birth - perhaps when she is still in hospital. Then to sort out some regularly contact visits once she is feeling up to it and that you understand this may be several weeks down the line.

Stop texting her, stop harrassing her.

Yes your dc has a right for you to be involved in his upbringing but you need to understand how vulnerable Mums are in the early months.

If you do get the phone call saying that he was born a week ago it will achieve nothing by being angry - you need to be positive, thank them for being informed and ask when it would be possible to start contact.

Being aggressive and confrontational and harrassing will just get you pushed further and further away. You need to be very reasonable especially if long term you need to go to court to gain contact.

Whocansay Sat 07-Sep-13 10:54:13

If you want to help, start putting money aside in an account for the child. Token items once in a while are useless.

You may not think you've harassed her or may not have intended to do so, but she may feel differently. The fact that you were in contact, but are no longer speaks volumes.

Send an email or letter outlining how you want to co parent and suggest mediation. Make no reference to getting back together. She clearly doesn't want to and if you keep banging on about it, it will alienate her further. Concentrate on your child and its needs. Not yours.

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 11:03:10

I suggest you apologise for your recent unreasonable behaviour towards her and that you now understand how inappropriate it was.

Please remember contact is about your child's right to know both parents not the absent parent's right to have a relationship with their child.

The request of mediation is great one, also as the birth is soon there is no reason why you could start by paying the recommended maintenance amount now. There is an on-line CSA calculator to work out how much you should pay her weekly.

clam Sat 07-Sep-13 11:18:26

"Unfortunately, I no longer have a communication route open to continue to do that properly."

This is ringing a warning bell for me. Why not? Has she blocked you?

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:27:13

I wondered if maybe she just couldn't face any more drama this close to the end of her pregnancy, clam.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 11:34:09

If she maintains no contact after the baby is born, and denies access then your only option would be through solicitor/court.

if you have been harrassing her it will not be in your favour.

give her time to give birth and recover and see how it goes

clam Sat 07-Sep-13 11:38:17

Exactly trib. We've asked OP if he's not perhaps harassing her and now it turns out he is no longer able to get in touch.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 11:50:19

Open an account for the baby anyway and put the money in there. Eventually you should be able to find a way to get it to her, maybe through an intermediary or a solicitor.

The least you can do is be consistent with financial support for the baby. This does not need to involve her at all.

Booboostoo Sat 07-Sep-13 11:53:35

Your first post seemed to be about getting another chance with this woman because you love her, your second seemed to be concerned with access to your son and with someone else being a father to him....which one is it?

As far as your ex goes, you left her, you made it clear you want to get back together, now the ball is in her court. It sounds like she is not interested, so sad for you but tough luck.

As far as her new partner goes, you are no longer together with the mother of your child. Sooner or later she will have other relationships so you will have to deal with other men being around your son and taking on some parental duties.

As far as your son goes you have no right to be at the hospital but you can ask and see if she allows you to. You do have a right to see your son and spend time with him, wait until he is born and approach your ex with a reasonable plan to support your son both financially and emotionally to include access.

Fairenuff Sat 07-Sep-13 11:54:55

Do have any children already?

Dam58 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:22

If you receive a call telling you that you can attend the hospital, then you will be very lucky.
A woman needs help, love & support at a time that can be very frightening for some. It is quite likely that you may receive a call after your ds is born. This will not be for malicious reasons...I'm sure...but purely self preservation on your x's part.

Actions speak louder than words. If you are truly serious in your attentions and commitment to your ds, then you should do everything you can to prove it.

If you respect your x, build up trust, pay maintenance and encourage an emotional connection with your ds while laying off your x- relationship wise, she may see you as worthy. But if she has any sense it will take a long time.

I hope you are able to be there for your boy and that you don't let him down like you have his mother.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:23

She's moved on. So should you. You do however, have a right to be involved in our child's life. But this has to be done carefully and at the beginning, to the extent that te mother allows. Having a baby is a life upheaval and she might want to do it without te emotional trauma of havin you around. But let her know you're there, not for her, but for the baby. It you are gentle and considerate in your request to be part of your child's life you might be more successful.

dufflefluffle Sat 07-Sep-13 11:59:36

Whatever about your and her emotions, you are this baby's father and therefore you need to start preparing to be a solid, consistant part of his life. That is what he needs from you and for you to be steady and solid (rather than up-an-down as you were with his mother). That is more important than any easy come easy go relationship. You'll be his father forever: prepare for being a good one!

WeAreSeven Sat 07-Sep-13 12:06:39

I'm not sure your poor son does deserve to have you in his life, to be honest. Did you think of him when you were being non-committal or absent? Did you think of him when you told his mother you didn't have a future together? Did you not think of him when you were harassing his mother in the late stages of pregnancy and whether the stress you were putting her under might affect him.
Children need stablilty. Whether that comes from a Mum and Dad, single Mum, single Dad, Loving Granny, two Mums, two Dads or foster parents is irrelevant. On the stability front you have not so far proved to be reliable. Your son's mother probably feels that the new man is a better bet than you for her son.

To be honest, if she had come on here and said that her ex had not wanted to be involved with the baby and was now constantly calling and emailing trying to get back together, the vast majority of replies she would have had would have been to block and delete your number and that if you insisted on contact, it should be through a solicitor. The fact that she has blocked you suggests to me that you were harassing her.

KoalaFace Sat 07-Sep-13 12:11:40

I think writing a letter that takes complete responsibility for your behaviour and that shows you understand her feelings and reaction is a good start.

Explain how you want to support her in raising your son both financially and actively.

Show her that you expect nothing from her in return and will not put any further pressure on her to get back together.

End the letter with your hopes that you will be updated about any to do with the baby and told when you can visit but you will not carry on getting in contact as you understand that she needs space.

And then abide by the things you promised.

If she does not allow any contact with your son then I would advise getting in touch with a solicitor but do try first to do things amiably as it would be in everyones best interests for you and her to be on as good a terms as possible.

I read your op, and all I saw was woeful:
me-me-me-me-me-me

Not one sentence about concern for her. Acceptance you have been an idiot yes, but only upon realizing she was not sat on her pregnant bum pining for you. And still just ME ME ME, and use the babys "rights" as emotional blackmail why she should suddenly talk to you. After you dumped her. Pregnant.

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