Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Porn Addiction(37 Posts)
Just been wondering with myself, how annoying and sad I feel about my partner's porn addiction...Not that I don't like, prob I was even more likely to it than him, in a far away past..but since the beginning of our relationship I tried to show him I like it, and better than never, would be amazing to enjoy it with him, and have pleasure moments as a couple...but he never showed any interest on sharing movies etc with me....far from this, I discovered a lot of movies and websites in his phone, and computer...the last time I told him off and to get worst he told me he always watched porn, he will always do and he doesn't needs my permission to do it, and will not say sorry because he also doesn't think he needs to.
The fact is that it really hurts me so much..I'm not the perfect woman compared the ones he used to see, and wanker I think..but I consider myself very sexy and attractive..and all his words just makes me feel so bad, unloved and unattractive....by other means..I fell down and upset...nearly depressed.
Does anyone else has the same problem ? how do you deal with the situation...
I consider breaking up in a near future, because I think to myself I DON'T DESERVE IT....but in the same time, I'm sure every men like it.
Not all men are in to it, I had a similar problem and it nearly destroyed me, Im still getting over it. Dump him now, it will not get better. You are worth so much more.
Golly there is a lot of porn threads about at the minute.You are 100% correct - you don't deserve to feel rejected.
Not all men like it, i assure you. Many find it distasteful,abusive and sometimes just completely non erotic. Please don't let anyone destroy your self confidence because they like to watch women being banged in all manner of repulsive ways.
If you cant align your views then its going to be a no go, he will always watch it and you will always feel 2nd best. I couldn't be with someone who considered their masturbation material more important than my feelings that is non-negotiable.
Plenty of women do enjoy porn as much as men, I respect that but if you feel differently that's ok.
Read Gail Dines - Pornland, it may just give you a whole load of other reasons than self esteem to ditch the porn loser.
He is not interested in enjoying it with you because porn is not about real sex, its about escape and feeling powerfull over women, even if its only fantasy. The fact he is putting this first shows he does not care for you the way he should.
'porn loser' I like it, Im going to use it in the hope it takes off as a saying.
Yeah, porn loser definitely !
I just feel so sorry that we have a 10 months old baby and he keeps on telling me that we HAVE to be together because we must raise lil baby together..he grew up with his dad travelling around because of his job and knows how difficult it is, and doesn't wants our son to grow up without a dad. But I also have a 11 y.o. that live with us and raised him by myself. I know how hard it is but not impossible.
Not that divorce is what I want, I definitely don't want it but is just tooo hard for me to accept being bad treated, the lack of respect and all this crap makes me really mad !!!
Thank you for your help...will think hard very well about it !!
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
Not all men like porn by any means.
And no, you patently do not have to be together to raise the baby you have together. He the porn loser talks rot. He's also just trying to guilt you even more by saying that.
Your 11 year old is likely to be all too aware of how unhappy you are and senses the tensions as well at home. Its not good for this person either to be in such a horrid atmosphere.
What do you want to teach him/her about relationships, surely not this poor role model of one?.
You'd be better off apart, this man has and will continue to put porn before anyone else including yourself as you have all too clearly seen. You do not have to put up with this and nor do your children.
Not all men watch porn.
My ex was addicted to porn, he would wank to that and wouldn't bother with me. I soon got fed up, confronted him, then left him, all within 9 months.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect, neither of which this man seems to provide. Porn addiction, for the other half, is awful, it really breaks down your self esteem and can cause an awful lot of damage. I'm in a new awesome relationship, but my issues caused by my ex's porn addiction still raise their ugly heads from time to time, thankfully DP is kind and understanding, oh, and isn't a fan of porn or any form of women being objectified.
You deserve better!
You could all resume all my feelings which I spend day after day thinking about. Even thinking I'm the one who's wrong in the relationship. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I'm kinda divided by opinions, even tough I know that the best is get rid of him, but bigger issue is that my family lives abroad and I have nobody else here...wouldn't known what to do if break up...well, what a shit situation
Not all men like porn, but I am not sure what you expect from your partner since you admit to using it and liking it yourself
Is it the sheer amount of his usage, or the fact that he seems to prefer it to you since you had a baby ?
I am sorry you are hurt, but I do think (and this won't be a popular viewpoint) that you can't be all "cool wifey" about porn one minute and then disapproving because it no longer suits you the next
You colluded with this porn loser once. What has changed now ?
I do wish more women would have the courage of their convictions in the first place
hoi, everyone, I don't wanna kill the thread
has no one else any opinions ?
I think some men use porn as their "me time". In that they don't have to worry about making their partner have an orgasm, don't have to worry about losing their erection. I've never had a problem with it, sometimes I just want to be alone with my rabbit and think about me instead of making it good for him.
If they are replacing their sex life with porn and their partner isn't getting any action - then that is a problem. OP are you two still sexually active?
Not every man has a porn addiction, that's for sure. I've had relationships with men who weren't into it and men who were. The men who were into it had had it as a part of their life from a young age and was therefore (to them) a normal part of their life. I've watched it myself in the past but you know, I've come to the conclusion it's pretty damaging generally. For men who watch it compulsively they can end up not being able to have sex with a real person because they need exposure to extreme images to get off and they become desensitised. There is no easy answer to any of it and I'd be worried if I had a son, that's all I can say as porn was never more accessible than it is today.
I am sorry you are in this position OP. The main issue here is that your DP has shown he doesn't care about how you feel and that is a problem. I imagine he has watched porn from a young age, and perhaps grew up realising that his dad watched it.
AnyFucker - I don't really agree with what you're saying. You can drink in moderation without being an alcoholic. The same applies with porn - some people are happy to look at it now and again. But if someone needs to watch it all the time and replaces time with their partner with porn watching then it impacts on the people around them in much the same way as any addiction. This is an entirely separate issue from how ethical porn is generally.
you don't have to agree with me, lottie
but I do see porn as an ethical issue, and a moral one
so if you "watch porn with your partner" and are happy with that, how can you then (in all conscience) develop a moral objection to it at a later date (unless you have a Damascene moment, but OP doesn't mention that)
all you have left is the quantity of porn consumption, which of course is a valid reason to be pissed off, but that is a weak objection when you have colluded prior to this and ignored any ethical objections for your own orgasm (presumably)
unless of course, you were going along with it for his orgasm, which brings me back to my point which is have the courage of your convictions in the first place
Well, I have an ethical objection to porn as well.
The way I read the OP though, was that she does not have an ethical objection to porn but has a problem with the fact her dp is using it all the time to the extent that it is driving a wedge between them. So I don't think she's a hypocrite.
I think it is hypocritical to denounce him for getting his orgasm from porn because she is now too busy to do the same.
It's like drinking. You may like a glass of wine. That doesn't mean you would like it if your partner developed a wine addiction or the impact that would have on you. There are people who generally disagree with alcohol consumption but that is not really relevant in every case.
porn is nothing like drinking a glass of wine
I don't read anywhere in the OP's posts that she is now too busy to use porn. What I read is that she wants to be involved but he goes off and uses it by himself and excludes her from any kind of sex life.
I am utterly sick of arguing about porn on t'internet, lottie, no offence, dude
Op hasn't been on her thread for a little while, perhaps the next move is hers
I know AF. It's a huge problem for a lot of people. I don't agree with porn either but I read that the OP does not have a general problem with it but does have a problem with her dp replacing her with it.
I would have a problem with that too
But what I am saying is, have a problem with porn in the first place
Which is what I am always banging on about. I bore myself sometimes
I changed my mind FWIW. I was young,naive and wanted to appear cool.
Then I grew up.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You are giving us mixed messages OP. You seem to say that you object to him watching it on his own but would prefer to share it, as a couple, as part of your intimate relationship?
Or do you just not want either of you to watch it at all?
I'm still confused on that one.
Lottiandmiafl got my point of view.
I'm not completely banning him about porn, I just would like to be part of it, once I think it can really spice our relation. I. Also not an addict to it, I just said I liked it when with my partner in the past (who h was not him), and he knows I'm ok with it since ever. He is just being selfish, using it away from me, while I have all the interest on playing naughty with him. I just want to know how would u feel and what would u do if u were in my shoes...cause it just let me so Dow.
If you don't object to porn, why do you object to him watching it? How does it make you feel?
having sex with your partner and wanking to porn are two different things. You can combine them but they are still two different things.
Seems this is something your partner sees as a solitary pursuit but you think it is something you should share and feel a bit rejected that he chooses to do these sexual acts without you and insecure because you maybe feel you can't match the women in the films?
A wank is a very different thing from sex with a partner. Perhaps for him it is just a way of relaxing, letting off the tensions of the day. If he chose to do that by reading a book would you expect him to read it to you? Would you feel rejected? Maybe you would if he was reading it at the expense of spending any quality time with you. Maybe this is the issue here.
Without knowing everything about both of you and your relationship I'd say that this is not necessarily a rejection of you or a rejection of sex with you, and not a criticism of your body either. However I entirely understand that it could feel that way. And it maybe that it is. I don't know.
I think that once he is doing it alone is because he is looking for pleasure somewhere else to sort himself out. It causes me sadness because I'm here all available to have a naughty men coming after me, suggesting us to have a hot night together watch some porn and het horny together. He is being selfish, and I don't watch porn alone because I like real thing !!
Ok, so he is using porn instead of being with you?
Well, you have told him that you don't like it. He has said he's going to continue to do it anyway. So you have two choices. Put up with it, or leave him.
Which do you want to do?
I like watching porn, to get off when DP is away, but when he's suggested we watch it together to 'get me there' I've refused, total turn off because when he's there, I don't need or want that in my head, I want it to be for there and then, in the moment, with him. He knows this, and accepts this. He also watches it when he's away and we sometimes talk about it as a prelude to sex. Maybe watch alone and do the same?
But he doesn't want to watch porn with you. That is his prerogative.
Is he not having sex with you then? If you were having as much sex as you wanted would you be so bothered about him having a wank to some porn?
No waffly...we have sex about once a month...��I wouldn't bother if we were having a good sex life..is good when we have it, but I would like more. Xx thanks
Would it be worth dropping the discussion about porn and talking about increasing your sex life then?
Hello my name's EnoughOfThis and my ex is a porn looser too! :-)
There were also other issues involving binge drinking and general emotional abuse. An amazing police lady once put it into perspective for me...if his actions/behaviour show a lack of concern for your emotional wellbeing then that constituted emotional abuse. It's very simple.
Even if you have changed your mind (I didn't BTW, he knew I didn't agree with it, so kept it hidden for 8 years, charming, I then had to live with it for a further 4).
I wouldn't stone him just yet for using porn. Men are tempted. It happens. However if he is not listening to you and taking on board your opinion and feelings.
Join the discussion
Please login first.