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Still feeling crap after over a year, will I ever learn to stop looking.

(68 Posts)
Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 15:35:14

I was in a relationship for five years with my ?soul mate? or at least that?s what we both thought. We did have problems, mainly masturbation and internet addition on his part but we tried to work on it and he sort of quit, and also I think I kind of accepted it. He said these and other problems were caused by the fact we did not live together, so he moved in. I felt like I spent my life trying to please him. Then just over a year ago, after a couple of weeks of acting weird and pretty shitty, he left me. He never gave any explanation and has never contacted me. He still owes me a small amount of money and ignores my phone calls.
I found out recently that he has not got another woman (I thought this might be an explanation) and has recently quit his job. His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.
Sometimes I am consumed with curiosity to know how he justifies the decisions he made. The thing is I am still unbelievably cut up about it, I know how mad it is but I still think about him every day and, I guess, miss him (how crazy is that). Does anyone have any advice on letting go, it is making me so unhappy.

Boosterseat Fri 06-Sep-13 15:52:01

People are only ever responsible for themselves, he gave himself permission to behave in this manner, there was nothing you could do.

The best way to understand another persons addiction is the following mantra:

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.

He doesn't sound worth the effort of even trying to understand anyway my love.

Look at it this way, spending time today looking back is stopping you moving forward! Focus your energy into something else, when you find your mind wandering pick up a language book, learn a new skill come and bum around on MN.

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 15:52:06

I had a slip this afternoon and was reading his posts, and it made me feel like he comes accross as a great guy (even though I know logicaly he cant be) and this has made me feel really awful, I dont know why these feelings arnt finished by now.

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 15:55:45

He's an addict. Tragically, you were right when you felt that he loves porn/websex more than he loved you. Addictions take over the space reserved for love, replacing everything of value. It's really very sad and wasteful, but there's nothing you can do - he's chosen it over you.

He may even have left to save you from having to watch his decline.
The "three Cs" of addiction are:
You didn't cause it.
You cannot cure it.
You can't control it.

Don't chase him for the money, leave it behind.

I once listened to a famous recovering alcoholic talk about his addiction. When he was a young man, he said, he met a beautiful, kind and intelligent girl. "I thought she'd fix me," he said, "So I married her. I kept on drinking and she didn't fix me, so I divorced her." Later on, he met a mature, confident, determined woman. "I thought she'd fix me," he said, "So I married her. I kept on drinking and she didn't fix me. So I divorced her." Later on ... another woman, another fix, another drink, another divorce ... While he thought he felt love for his wives, his only real love was his drink. He wanted the women to make him better, and they couldn't, because of the 3 C's and the fact that only the addict can fix himself.

Do some reading on Al-Anon's website, and google "co-dependence". And be kind to yourself.

oldgrandmama Fri 06-Sep-13 15:55:48

Go completely cold turkey. Don't look - yes, hard, take it one day at a time. You'll soon start to realise you're well rid, and wondering what you ever saw in him. But while you keep looking, you're picking at the scab and not letting your emotions heal and recover.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Sep-13 15:56:42

Oh heck. First of all, you have my sympathies. It's a crappy feeling.

I also came out of a long and (I thought) happy relationship last year and I had a HELL of a time getting over him. I obsessively (and I mean every 3 minutes) checked up on him - FB, emails, driving past, phoning and hanging up the works blush

I am now mightily embarrassed by this but at the time I simply couldn't stop myself. I was a woman possessed. Not myself at all. I am usually very laid back. My friends were begging me to let it go but I just couldn't because I needed to know. To understand what had happened. Why he didnt love me any more. I NEEDED to know - like a compulsion.

And crikey it was exhausting. A total head fuck. So I totally sympathise with you. I really do.

Then I suddenly realised one simple thing. It doesn't matter.

I realised that no matter how much I searched for answers I would probably never find them. And even if I did it wouldn't make a difference to the situation anyway. And chances are they woudn't make me feel any better anyway. So, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter.

So next time you feel like checking up, say (out loud if it helps) "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" and do something else.

Time will help but you need to believe in yourself enough to say "it doesn't matter"

I don't know if any of that makes any sense but I wish you all the best. I really do.

Boosterseat Fri 06-Sep-13 15:57:34

Because betrayal hurts, you don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed about how you feel.

You know he isn't a nice person and its good that you know you shouldn't be giving him head space - you just need to find a new coping/distracting mechanism.

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 15:58:43

Xpost, Booster!

OP, he can be a great guy with a humungous, gaping flaw. Just like any functioning alcoholic, gambler, or drug abuser you might know. It looks as though your ex has just about let go of the 'functioning' part of his addiction, unfortunately, and the rest of the slide won't be pretty. Probably best not to watch him fall sad

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 16:05:14

garlicbargain; I think there could be something to him resenting me for not 'fixing him' thanks, that helps. I still desperatly want to know why, how he could do what he did, after everything we said to each other and everything we went through.
BitOutOfPractice; thanks for your post, how long may I ask did it take for you to really feel the letting go? and did you do anything that helped this realisation?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Sep-13 16:10:08

I read a book. I think it was called "Getting Over Your Break Up" and was amazed that the author seemed to be writing about me!!

I also suddenly felt angry. Really really angry about all the shitty things he'd done. It took about 7 months and a lot of athetic behavior on my behalf for that to happen though

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Sep-13 16:11:11

Just to add. Some days I still feel teaful and panicky about the idea of never seeing him again. Some days I still feel angry. Some days I don't think about him at all. Those are the best days

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 16:27:51

I also have alot of anger much of the time, but also Im still incredulous that he threw away a relationship with someone who loved him so much to spend his days slagging off Lauire penny (its this site hes on, dont ask) and wanking to porn, which after watching it (I was trying to be ok with it) no matter what people say does contain alot of abuse against women.

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 16:28:31

I just can help feeling really sad about it all.

Boosterseat Fri 06-Sep-13 16:33:48

You don't have to be ok with an industry that degrades and abuses women.

I'm certainly not OK with it, i think it contributes to the seemingly ever decreasing moral standards in some people. I find it distasteful and sickening.

Let this seedy,nasty little man get on with his hairy handed antics. I understand that you invested your heart and soul into this man and i empathise with how you are feeling but don't miss out on the good things in front of you while you're looking back.

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 16:38:04

Thanks Boosterseat, you are compleatly right. No ones ever hurt me like this but nothing lasts forever and things always change.

Boosterseat Fri 06-Sep-13 16:50:06

Onwards and forever upwards Chyochan! You're spot on, nothing does last forever and the feeling will pass.

There are loads of these threads about at the moment, you can see you aren't alone but you will also see how many other people have come through the other side and found loving, respectful relationships.

Chyochan Fri 06-Sep-13 16:58:53

Thanks Boosterseat, it helps

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 20:40:52

It sounds like the ending was very abrupt, so you haven't had the chance to work things through. Unfinished business. It was a huge headfuck to leave you suddenly, no wonder you're reeling and trying to find answers any which way.

But now you're addicted to him . He's addicted to porn - and has chosen to go full-on with his first love (this is what addicts are like, any relationship comes a poor second to the love of their life: their chosen addiction) - and now you're addicted to him sad . Maybe you were addicted to him in the relationship? I second trying CoDA - codependents anonymous - which deals with being addicted to an addict. You'll meet a whole load of lovely, ordinary people who are struggling with similar things.

I'd also suggest a bit of counselling to work through a proper ending to the relationship re get the chance to say everything you need to say, but he won't let you. What he did to you has probably made you feel powerless - he called all the shots - and a therapist would be able to help you get your power back, which will go some way to helping you get over the knob relationship.

Addicts are a PITA. You are so much better out of it (easy to say).

Chyochan Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:41

Thanks springytufty, your right my feelings indicate some kind of addiction to him. Iv tried counselling, just finished with her in fact, she didnt seem interested in hearing about the relationship, which I wanted to talk about to work through my feelings and hopefully as you say get over it and feel less powerless, or at least work through those feelings of powerlessness but she only wanted to hear about how well my kids are doing or my childhood, so it ended up like just a polite chat. So I thought I dont want to pay £50 for that.

Chyochan Sat 07-Sep-13 09:00:54

I have been to a couple of CODA meetings but found them quite intimidating as were very crowded and I felt shy to talk as they all seemed to know each other.

springytufty Sat 07-Sep-13 09:19:21

She may be right, up to a point - the quality of your life at the moment could well be a result of what has gone on in the past - but she's not for you. Please try again and find one you click with. Perhaps have a look at the BACP site to find a list of therapists in your area; go through them, write a list of ones you like the look of, call them up and go with the one you feel the most comfortable with - many offer an introductory session for you to see if there's any mileage in the relationship. Choosing a therapist is like choosing a boyf, you have to click. (I've had my fair share of therapists who don't hit the spot, it's worth trying again.)

I know what you mean re crowded CoDA meetings which can seem a bit cliquey hmm . Try again if you can, find another meeting somewhere else?

There's a lot of info, literature and support out there, but you have to search for it, have to make it a mission. It's worth it though.

garlicbargain Sat 07-Sep-13 12:02:29

All v. good advice, Springy. It looks worth following to me, Chyochan, because this could transform a devastating episode into a hugely life-affirming experience. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it could be a major turning point.

My first therapist wanted me to go "Thank you for showing me where I still hurt" when anything really rattled me. It took me six years to understand what she meant, but I got there smile

Chyochan Sat 07-Sep-13 14:01:34

Thanks Springytufty and garlicbargain, realy useful advice, ill follow your link and try to find a meeting thats convenient. Just realised my post about the therapist could be misunderstood. To claify my kids are both teenagers and doing great, fantasticaly infact, Im really lucky in that direction. As for my past I know my childhood was abusive but I feel Iv dealt with it after 3 years of very intensive therapy in my twenties so dont feel I really need to go there again (tho could be wrong of course, does anyone ever really deal with it?). I think I must be codependent to still be feeling this attached to someone who so opviously has so little to offer. Sometimes I think Im cracking up.

QueenQueenie Sat 07-Sep-13 14:04:47

He has addictions.
You are co-dependent.
You can't change him but you can work on yourself and have healthier relationships in the future.

Wellwobbly Sat 07-Sep-13 15:27:29

Garlic, say more?

OP, a mantra that really helped me was, when the feelings got overwhelming, 'your behaviour/your choices do not determine my worth'.

You are separate from him. He does NOT define you. He is, truly, an addict. He is not really able to maintain an intimate relationship however much he parrotted in the heady beginning, and shallow wanking is really all he can cope with.

As an addiction specialist said to me: 'it is easy to have a relationship with a bottle. Bottles don't have needs'.

This isn't about you, OP. What is about you (see Garlic's point) is what hurts you about the rejection and the abandonment, and the not being cared about.

Yes, it hurts so bad! But it HIS problem shouldn't define you.

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 15:37:20

Look on and follow the advice about No Contact.

You can't change or cure this man. He's porn/internet addicted and will remain so. He's living in a fantasy world and not worth having.

Sorry it's so painful, the only way you can heal is to leave it alone, time will heal you quicker that way.

Chyochan Wed 11-Sep-13 13:22:33

I feel like Im doning it again, obsessing over what exactly happened and why, what the fuck is wrong with me. He left me. He treated me shittly and then he left me, why am I finding this so hard to accept. Seriously I think there may be something wrong with me! Need advice...

BitOutOfPractice Wed 11-Sep-13 13:48:13

Remember my mantra about the answers to your questions


As I said up there: "no matter how much I searched for answers I would probably never find them. And even if I did it wouldn't make a difference to the situation anyway. And chances are they woudn't make me feel any better anyway. So, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

I feel so sorry for you I really do. It's a horrible feeling.

Chyochan Wed 11-Sep-13 14:27:12

Im trying to work out whats going on in my head when/just before I look up his mindnumbingly dull posts. I think my problem must be I still find it hard to believe he would behave in the way he has, I genually thought, despite everything he was a good person who really cared for me. This leads me to try to understand what happened and what was/is going on in his head.
Reading things on here is really helping me understand more and more though, but I still question myself constantly, (eg. reading the thread about stalkers makes me wonder am I a stalker because Iv contacted him in to ask for my money/stuff back, things like that)
It really helps to remind myself that he was the one who ended it, whatever happened in our relationship it was his decision to end it, so really what else is there for me to know.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 11-Sep-13 15:29:30

That's what I mean Chyochan. All the time you are asking yourself all these questions, and looking for answers from him, you are not disengaging your brain (and heart sad) from him and the relationship.

Knowing the answers. Knowing how he is now. Getting your stuff back. Contating him. Reading his online drivel. None of that changes the fact that he ended it and it's over.

And believe me, I know how devestatingly harsh that sounds. And I'm sorry.

But until you accept that, stop looking for reasons ( because they don't matter), and start to move forward, you are going to drive yourself absolutly insane.

It is so so so tough and tbh you won't do this until you are ready.

I'm so heart sore for you sad

Chyochan Wed 11-Sep-13 16:03:25

Thanks BitOutOfPractice.
I have so many questions sometimes I feel like it is driving me crazy.
Questions like how come hes so enthuastic about talking to random strangers online when he had no interest in talking to me, someone he supposedly loved? Same with sex, it just makes no sense for a supposedly rational person. Here I go again, I need to give it a fucking rest.
Thanks again BitOutOfPractice, wow itll be a relief when all this bs is over, why is it taking sooo long, why arnt I normal yet? grin

BitOutOfPractice Wed 11-Sep-13 18:15:31

I'm not sure I've achieved "normal" yet Chyochan!! wink

I don't think I sept properly for about 5 months because my brain would just not switch off. That's why the "IT DOESN'T MATTER" mantra is good. Keep saying it till you believe it.

You will get there. Promise.

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 08:38:18

My mantra is going to be "He ended it. Its over. He wasn't all that."

BitOutOfPractice Thu 12-Sep-13 15:41:12

I think just "It's over" would do. That cvers you being over him as well.

Hope you're OK today.

Have youthought about weaning yourself off the checking up, rather than going cold turkey?

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 15:49:09

Thanks for asking, Im ok today, been very busy at work so thats good. I dont check very often at all, it makes me panicky and emotional, sad and or angry, generally both. I guess I look less than once a month but theres no pattern. It bothers me more that I think about him every day, that bothers me alot, and I wish that wasn't the case as it has been over a year.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 12-Sep-13 15:58:16

I don't think every day is that bad. If it were every minute of every day then I'd worry

So it's not stopping the thinking about him per se, it's the changing the mind set when you do?

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 17:01:23

I dont think about him every minute of the day, quite a few of them tho, which is much more minutes than I want to be thinking about him.
Really I want to stop thinking about him full stop (and endlessly wondering about and questioning stuff in our relationship) because then I wont care or feel any pain over whats happened.

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 17:08:58

If I can ask, how often do you think about your ex? and does it effect you in any way if you do? I know Im probably being a bit nosey here, but I worry as I oftern hear people say 'yeh it was really bad, it was almost 6 months before I got over him/her' and it makes me feel like there must be something really wrong with me as its been bloddy ages over a year and I still obsess over it often sometimes.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 13-Sep-13 00:48:06

I've thought about him several times today a because a couple of people have asked me about him because I'm visiting his family soon. It's been in a conversational way. Not really rippled any emotions.

Some days I get to lunchtime and think "I haven't thought about him today...oh fuck that means I just thought about him!"

Some days I still obsess over him. And cry. And ask myself all the same questions again and again until I manage to shake myself out of it.

So, in short, it varies blush it has been 14 months since we split.

For at least 10 of those I was a mess. A train wreck.

But I don't think there's a timetable. Or a right or a wrong way to be feeling at particular set times.

It seems to me like you've got yourself into a spiral of worry about it. Worrying about worrying about him iykwim

Chyochan Fri 13-Sep-13 15:50:17

Thanks BitOutOfPractice, thats helpfull, Im not the only one then.
Yes I think your right that I am begining to worry about the fact that it still hurts and I still think about him.
When we split the thought of getting over it and not careing or thinking about him was a big comfort, I sort of fantasised about how I would feel 6 months or a year or something and it gave me strength.
Recently I was begining to feel like 'god maybe Im always going to feel this way about it', its a horrible thought. But surely its not possible to be broken hearted for years on end, I just dont believe thats possible.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 13-Sep-13 15:56:00

It can't be. Surely!

Can you recreate that fantasy of how you'll feel when you couldn't give a damn. Sort of fake it till you make it?

I'm not sure how helpful I'm being but I am sympathising!

Chyochan Sat 14-Sep-13 08:05:52

Actually I think you could be on to something.
Last night I suddenly was thinking about how when we got together people who new us both could not believe Id picked him, and also how my friends and family found it hard to understand what I saw in him.
They saw him as a just a bit of a dork (when theyd spent a bit of time with hiim they saw him as a dork, with a rather unpleasent personality).

And then I guess I kind of compaired this reality to my self esteem when he rejected me, (throughout our relationship and when he left me) and I kind of experianced how actually Im loads better than him as a person, nicer, more popular, more grownup, more capable of giving, funnier and more fun to be arround, just fucking better in every way, and he had actually got massively lucky to ever get me at all.
This really put it in perspective in a new way and Im trying to hold on to that feeling.

Chyochan Sat 14-Sep-13 08:09:02

Also, I dont know you but, what a kind person you must be, being there for someone you dont even know.
How sad for your ex that he lost out on that, shame for him really.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 15-Sep-13 13:41:05

Oh thank you! I'm not sure I'm that nice but your story struck a chord with me and I've tried, cack handedly to offer a helping hand!

Well done in getting that new perspective!! That's a huge step on the road.

Do you know what? I think you're over him. I don't think it's him that's bothering you. I think it's more about what you think him leaving you said about you and yourself. He is just the vehicle for you to examine yourself and how you feel about yourself. What him leaving did to your self esteem. And that's not necessarily a bad thing to ponder, so long as you come to the correct conclusion in the end. ie you're awesome and he's a sad loser. grin

skyeskyeskye Sun 15-Sep-13 16:24:26

Bitoutifpractice, an excellent post that I need to apply to myself.... It doesn't matter....

OP you have had some good advise here. It can be really hard letting go sad

Chyochan Mon 16-Sep-13 13:59:40

Iv also wondered what it is exactly that has/is still getting to me, I cant really miss him, what exactly is it that is cousing me pain?

For the last couple of years he seemd to only really be interested in talking about himself and I was begining to find this a bit boreing tbh.
In the end I couldnt even discuss problems with him as I felt he would turn it on me and use any difficulties as proof of how useless I was.
He was socialy phobic, so we had no social life, and he was a nightmare around friends and family anyway.
I still found him attractive tho but seeing as he didnt 'put out', in truth I might as well have had a poster of Michael McMannus on my wall if I wanted someone sexy but unavailable in my bedroom.
At least he would not exspect me to cook dinner and wash up every night.
It really must be about something else, either a loss of a fantasy you have about the future (maybe even the present), that and the damage to selfesteem that getting dumped gives you.
Also the wondering why and confussion, I have found that very difficult to deal with.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 16-Sep-13 14:10:39

Crikey chyochan! He sounds like a right catch wink

It sounds like he was dragging you down with him and you're better off without him! It's not always easy to remember that though is it? Even when your head tells you he was no good, your heart can take a while to catch on!

But it seems like you are starting to see the wood for the trees? Do you feel any better?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 16-Sep-13 14:12:16

Skye, hope you're ok too.

I agree, letting go is really tough

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 14:19:25

You mourn for the loss of the relationship you wanted (and deserve!)

Its hard to let go of the ideals you had, you cling to the good memories and they become rose tinted.

Make a list of the good things, then make a list of all the shitty things. Look at the list when you feel like you are wavering.

Grieving is a process, and everyone moves at their own pace, there is no right or wrong amount of time but remember all the time you spend thinking about this loser is time you're taking away from all the positive things in your life.

i.e you're awesome and he's a sad loser. grin

This^^ grin

Chyochan Mon 16-Sep-13 14:30:22

I do feel better, it seems to go in jumps though, like steps up.
He does sound awfull I know, he wasnt always like that.
When we met he was really in to having a relationship with me, was over the moon that I was his girlfriend, bought me expensive presents, the works, we were going to be together for ever, we were soulmates, etc. Except there was almost no sex, so there was always some mystery and confusion.
I still question why he did the things he did, I dont think I will ever stop wondering what was going on in his head.

Boosterseat Mon 16-Sep-13 14:51:44

My DH doesn't isn't usually very introspective but has given me the best piece of advice anyone has ever offered up.

You cannot change a person, they can only change themselves

Going over and over this actions will only pull your self esteem down further. Simple plain truth is - he did it because he wanted to, and it was more important to him than you. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, and it is in no way a reflection of you - his choice, his actions, his consequences.

There was nothing you could do to stop it- selfishness runs through this joke of a man like a seam of coal (except with no use/value!)

His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family.

Chatting online is safe, no one has to know how sexually and socially incompetent he is, its a safety net of fantasy where he is the alpha-male stud muffin with loads of interesting things to say. In RL you know that not to be true, in fact he is a sad little man hiding behind his keyboard grabbing his own balls instead of grabbing his own real life by the bollocks.

Plenty of men out there who don't have the emotional spectrum of an earthworm and the personality of a damp towel.

If posting makes you feel better, then keep getting it out. Think of him like a bad case of nits, it may take a few combs and a few chemicals wine
but once your head is clear that little itch which was bugging you will be a long distant memory.

skyeskyeskye Mon 16-Sep-13 20:36:16

It's been 17 months for me and some days it just drives me mad. I know what I need to do, I can tell others what they need to do but some days I just can't do it myself.

Because my XH left so suddenly claiming he no longer loved me, it was a huge shock. To discover all the texts with OW was just devastating as I trusted him implicitly. He was very shy, not good at talking to people.

But that is where the fantasy came in, texting and emailing, pouring out your feelings to OW is so much easier than talking to your wife isn't it?

I have so many unanswered questions. I know I will never get the answers. I have things I want to say to XH but have left it too long after the divorce to say them. Not even divorced a year yet. Left in April, divorced him in November.

All too much to deal with. My doctor said its only a short space of time since this happened and that grief takes an unspecified amount of time to work through.

I know it will be ok one day. I know that one day I will not think about him at all. But I still find myself caring about what actually happens to him and I shouldn't after the way he treated me.

Sorry, rambling myself now. Trying to explain hiw i feel and that i understand. But there is some good advice on this thread for the OP and me and others going through similar.

Undertone Mon 16-Sep-13 21:32:40

Meh. I too went out with a whopping loser, fell head over heels, everyone around me (family, friends, people we'd just met...) thought he was a dweeby weirdo, and what the HELL was i doing with him? Poor social skills, unattractive, incompatible sexually - you name it.

He suddenly left me for another girl. It's been almost a year and I'm surprised if at least once or twice a day (or many many times) i don't think about why he left me.

Mum hit it on the head one day. She said that i didn't miss HIM. that wasn't why i felt sad and angry. Instead I was stewing over this massive insult he'd dealt me; not falling and staying fallen at my feet in gratitude that i chose him. I was angry at myself for still not being good enough to even hold onto such a conspicuously inadequate fucko.

But it's not a league table after all. I can't expect love from someone i subconsciously think should be grateful. He was free to love who he liked. So am i but there's still a lot of scar tissue in there and i have been isolating myself more and more recently, which isn't good (maybe has more to do with working 60 hour weeks but hey ho).

I just feel paralysed - scared of making the same mistake. And it feels impossible to approach anyone who feels more 'on a level' because i know they would reject me.


BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Sep-13 13:57:17

Oh I welled up at both those last posts.

Skye, have you thought about writing him a letter? Not sending it. But getting it all out on paper. I wrote to my wanker ex every day for months on my iPad and never sent them. Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry.

Then the letters got less and less frequent until last month when I read through them all, had a good cry for the indescribable pain he caused me and wrote him what I suspect will be the last one.

It really helped me. And when I read back though them all it helps me realise just how far I've come.

Undertone, I think you're a bit like the op. it's less about the wankbadger ex, more about the crap he left behind for you up try and process for yourself.

Chyochan Tue 17-Sep-13 14:38:22

Sorry Skye things are tough atm.
I suppose at least with my ex over the years I kind of realised he was a wanker had issues.
To see someone you think is ok, a teriffic guy even, change overnight must be horrific.
I read a post, it may have been yours, about how there is a lump of sadness inside and you feel like you will never stop wanting things to have been different.
But I dont think that lump does last forever, one day it wont be there and it will feel ok that you are no longer together, even a relief, its impossible to imagine now but it does happen.
Im feeling for the first time like this is begining to happen for me.

Chyochan Tue 17-Sep-13 14:39:52

I think it was the 'emotional spectrum of an earthworm and the personality of a damp towel' post that did it smile

Boosterseat Tue 17-Sep-13 15:05:56

grin Glad to be of some assistance amusement

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Sep-13 16:57:07

Found out today that my ex has unblocked me on FB

I cannot even begin to tell you how much it has amused me to think that he's checking up on me now while I couldn't give a shiney shit what he's doing! <boot on other foot>


3mum Tue 17-Sep-13 22:07:28

I agree that the greatest damage is to your self esteem. I don't want my cheating ex back. We could never mend our relationship after all his lies, but the scars still hurt and I suspect they always will. That whole thing that apparently any random woman is better than me and the fact that I lived my whole adult life thinking I was in one relationship when actually I was in another so I can't even trust my judgment let alone his.

Logically I know that he cheated because he is a selfish, entitled twunt who always had to be centre stage, but logic doesn't really help your feelings.

My scars are bad enough that relationships are off the table for good. I won't ever lay myself open to another person to abuse me that way again. I'm actually pretty happy on my own, but I think even if a perfect relationship came calling now (and it won't) I wouldn't take it because now I believe that any man would cheat on me again or I might end up with a man who is abusive in other ways.

Note to self: must buy more cats.

Boosterseat Tue 17-Sep-13 22:19:40

grin for you Bitoutofpratice.

I wish we had a bootupthearse smiley.

cerealqueen Tue 17-Sep-13 23:16:24

^I felt like I spent my life trying to please him. Then just over a year ago, after a couple of weeks of acting weird and pretty shitty, he left me. He never gave any explanation and has never contacted me. He still owes me a small amount of money and ignores my phone calls.

I found out recently that he has not got another woman (I thought this might be an explanation) and has recently quit his job. His life seems to be spending all day, every day in online chat rooms (and I guess wanking), he has never had any friends (does not seem interested) and does not see his family. ^

What are you regretting exactly?? Is it that he treated you like that and got away with it, and being a twunt still managed to find somebody else to be with him?

Having said that, I have past form for obsessively dwelling on exes. Best thing is to write a very long email to him, edit it, get it perfect in what you want to say and by the end of that process you will be sick of it, yourself for thinking of him but mostly, just sick of him, and DELETE it.

Then stop wasting any time on this loser. I wish you all the best.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 16:13:48

How are you doing chyochan?

Chyochan Thu 19-Sep-13 16:34:26

Ok, thanks. Having a shit day at work tho, which is a bit of a bummer.

How things with you?
I did laugh when you posted your ex has unblocked you on facebook, you need to get busy with your camera and post some shots of you at various functions (all the while with some unexplained attractive man in the background) thatll give him something to keep him occupied.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 18:01:04

I'm having a shit day at work as well!

I shall retain my steely silence and enjoy knowing he's wetting his pants thinking I might tell his mommy what an arsehole he is! grin

Boosterseat Thu 19-Sep-13 19:01:00

Delete him Bitoutofpratice!

It screams "Shot, now I've unblocked her she's noticed I'm still on her Facebook and she's deleted me. Why? Bet she's up to all sorts? Damn she was awesome and she now knows what an actual loser I am and wants fuck all to do with me"

Don't let that that twat keep tabs and judge you! Make him sweat.

Boosterseat Thu 19-Sep-13 19:01:32

Shit not shot.

but fwiw you are well shot grin

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 20:01:16

Oh booster he's deleted. I only noticed as I saw him pop up with comments on a few mutual friends' threads. He is now firmly blocked!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 19-Sep-13 20:16:37

I couldn't block him before because he got in first and blocked me iykwim. I could only block him once he'd unblocked me so I could see his profile to block him.

God that sounded complicated!!

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