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Karma has come around and bitten me

(106 Posts)
karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:26:07

Im posting on here because I am at my lowest of low and I cant turn to anyone in RL. I think I am hoping that someone might care enough to be kind to me today, but I am prepared for a flaming, I know how it works.

I have been having an affair with a married man for 18 months. I thought he loved me, I thought he would leave his wife eventually for me. He told me he loved me every day.

Then I found out he has been seeing someone else as well. I told him I knew and now he has ended things with me.

So now I have nobody at all. He has a wife and a mistress and I have nobody. I took some tablets this morning because I cant see any way out of this despair, but then I got scared and made myself sick. I cant function, I cant eat and I cant sleep, I just want this feeling to go away.

I love him. I gave him everything and he wasnt who I thought he was. I am a horrible person and now I have nobody at all

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 14:32:11

I understand you hurt now. All splits are difficult and you seem to have been emotionally dependent on him.

It's very serious that you tried to take your own life. He doesn't deserve that at all. No man deserves.

I hope you realise that he never loved you, and that you don't need such people in your life.
You are a person that deserves to be loved. First of all by yourself.

Please seek help asap. Call Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 .
See your gp, or go to A&E to deal with your state of mind.

Hugs.

NatashaBee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:32:41

All you can do is learn from it, pick yourself up and move on. Go to the doctor, they will be able to set you up with anti-depressants/counseling if you feel you need it.

Cailinsalach Fri 06-Sep-13 14:32:46

My life was destroyed by my husband's affair. So was my children's childhood. I really cannot empathise with you but maybe this will teach you something? I don't mean that nastily. Perhaps you will make wiser choices with your relationships in the future.

Vivacia Fri 06-Sep-13 14:35:13

This is a horrible thing to go through. Just be prepared to look after yourself until things get better (which they will, with time). Lweji gives good advice re The Samaritan's number.

Biscuitsareme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:35:31

No advice to offer but didn't want to read and run. I guess his behaviour tells you what he's like. Willing to cheat on his wife and one or more other women. Despicable. There are better people in the world, OP. One day you'll find one. You're better than him!

Please seek RL help if you're feeling like ending things- he is NOT worth it!
flowers

Madlizzy Fri 06-Sep-13 14:36:51

I think you need to get some medical advice in case you've ingested any of the tablets. Sadly, you're not the only person in the world who's been taken in by a married man.

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 14:39:10

Please phone the samaritans if you feel this low.

You are in a better position than you were before. You can start to rebuild your life starting today based on the truth instead of getting by on lies.

oldgrandmama Fri 06-Sep-13 14:39:40

Please call The Samaritans. And things WILL get better ... you're grieving right now, for something that wasn't actually real. You deserve better and you'll find it, but meanwhile, look after yourself, get help to overcome the awful despair. Also get emergency appt. with GP, and find someone to talk things through with, you surely must have family and friends.

MrsPeeWee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:41:10

Please get help, it is the only step you have left to take.

Fairylea Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:58

Try to get angry instead of hurt. He wasn't the person you thought he was, was he? So actually you didn't love him, you loved who you thought he was. Allow yourself to be angry and start to think about how you can protect yourself in the future from falling for the wrong men as you sound extremely depressed and vulnerable - a really bad combination for attracting utter arseholes.

Phone the Samaritans. Go to your gp. Be single for a while and build your self esteem.

You will find someone else, someone better. Someone who is yours. This man was never yours to begin with.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:43:49

Im sorry for the hurt that I would have caused his wife, thats why I dont want to be here any more, if I feel like this how would she feel?

Ive cut off from everybody in real life because I couldnt tell anyone about him. Now I have nobody at all, im a horrible horrible person, I cant end it because I have 3 children, it was like I forgot about them when I took the tablets but then I remembered and I got scared, but I still dont want to be here

Its such a shock, I thought he was a good man, a good father and I thought it was because we were so special together and it wasnt, I could have been anybody, its like I didnt know him at all I feel such a fool I just want to disappear

You now know he didn't love you. I think you don't love yourself very much either. I know it might not feel like it now but he was always a second best choice, you were settling for the promise of something in the future and only a small share of his emotional time and energy.

Did you really know him enough to love him?

Please go and get some real life help - ring the Samaritans if you are still really struggling and go to see your GP.

He was never the man you thought he was.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:53

I dontthink the tablets will have done anything I only took about 10 and they all came back out

NaturalBaby Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:54

You've made a mistake but I don't think you need a whole load of strangers being rude and unkind to you - how is that going to help?
Focus on the here and now, he is in the past now and you have a future to think about and plan for - you can and will be a stronger person.

Be kind to yourself. Is there something you can plan to look forward to? Even if it's a cheesy comedy with chocolate and a large glass of wine tonight?

foolonthehill Fri 06-Sep-13 14:46:14

Now you feel your heart is breaking,

it will take time but you will feel better.

Then you will think that he did you a favour....you will have space to find someone who really will be with you, not just string you along with a set of lies wasting your life believing that you were destined for each other and that he would never cheat on you.

Seriously you will get over this.

I guess you can't get much RL support because of the situation, so use a virtual one and turn your life around.

And promise yourself never ever to go down this path again.

Flicktheswitch Fri 06-Sep-13 14:46:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 14:47:31

You are not a horrible person. You just did something horrible for a while.

He isn't worth another minute of your time. Why think about something that doesn't exist?

Read this

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:48:28

Every day when the kids have come home from school this week I have been crying they dont know whats wrong with me and its not fair on them I need to pull myself together I know I am better off without him but I just cant see past the fog

I nearly rang his wife today as well I am scared that I will do that

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:51:15

There s no way that I will ever ever go near a married man ever again, I cant believe that I did in the first place but I really thought it was different, I thought we were special.

I want to be angry with him but at the moment all I feel is loss and love :-(

Thank you for being kind to me I know I dont deserve it :-(

internationallove985 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:52:07

I'm not going to slate you as your past is none of my business and I'm sure you feel bad enough yourself. You've had an affair it's not a crime okay it's imorale but it's not illegal. Also you're not the first women to have an affair and you most certainly will not be the last.
Just concentrate on being a wonderfully mum to your children. xxx

gamerchick Fri 06-Sep-13 14:52:27

Be kind to yourself, lick your wounds and give yourself a few days to wallow and grieve.

You will see in time that he did you a favour. This is NOT a good man and when you get a handle of your addiction to him.. you will see that.

Delete All numbers.. block all social networking and delete all digital conversations. See you doctor if you have too and think of your kids. No man is worth killing yourself for.

And stay away from alcohol for the minute.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 14:53:35

I cant delete im not ready

LEMisdisappointed Fri 06-Sep-13 14:58:08

He is the bastard, he took advantage of your vulnerability - you'll get angry in time and you'll see him for what he is. A user.

Your self esteem sounds like its rock bottom and maybe you would benefit from some counselling. A good place to start would be to visit your GP.

There is someone out there for you, you just haven't met him yet - married man = heartache.

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 14:58:33

Ride the emotions.

You don't feel the anger yet, let the tears roll.
Your children need you with them. They are more important than any cheating bastard.
You have their love, unconditional and total.

Do seek help.

internationallove985 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:00:38

Also O.P. Remember Karma will get him as well, eventually.
Karma is like God, sees everything. xxx

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:05:50

If he didnt love me then that means that no man has ever loved me. My husband told me he had never loved me when he left me.

I have never felt so alive and loved that when I was with this man, its like it must have all been a dream

I must be a truly awful person if I am incapable of someone loving me for me :-(

Beamur Fri 06-Sep-13 15:06:51

I bet your kids love you.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:08:04

only because they have to, they didnt come along and choose me

Karma, please please please seek urgent medical advice (A&E) about the tablets you took.

I don't mean to frighten you but it is really important - especially if what you took was paracetamol. Some drugs in overdose can do immense and lasting damage which doesn't show up until a few days later.

But if you go now they will be able to make sure there is nothing left in your system to damage you.

They won't judge. They have seen it all before. They will give you the help you need. And things will get better for you, probably sooner than you think.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:16:04

I only took about 10 and they were all out within 10 minutes, they were still whole

karma
Its not you that is the problem. If you have low self esteem especially if you have had bad experiences in the past then your need to be loved makes you an easy target for selfish people because they know you will settle for less of a relationship than you really deserve.

You really should get some counselling in the longer term.

I think in the short term you should take Outrageous's post very seriously. What did you take?

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 15:20:08

They don't have to love you.

They love you generously, freely, innocently.

Who knows if you have been loved or not.
I'm not sure I have by a man. Not truly loved.
I do know I have people in my life who love me.

You need to realise that you are worthy of true love and not have to put up with any shit.
You are worthy of a Man, a real, caring, loving man.
You may not find him, but you are still a person who is worth a lot and is needed by vulnerable children.

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 15:20:40

You're not an awful person. You are a normal person with your good bits and your bad bits and your strengths and your weaknesses.

Same as this man and the OOW and his wife and your exH and every single person who posts on this thread.

This too will pass. Maybe it's time to talk to a professional counsellor to help you through this low time.

wannaBe Fri 06-Sep-13 15:21:16

Op, affairs can never end well because of the hurt they cause to others and because of the self destruction they cause to the perpitrators.

It's very easy to see someone who has had an affair as a nasty horrible person who is undeserving of empathy, however so often affairs are a product of circumstance, where often those who have them do so because of their own lack of self worth, a lack of self worth which just deteriorates the longer the affair goes on.

You found out that someone you loved wasn't the person you thought he was. The fact that he is married is irrelevant at this point, you loved someone and you are legitimately allowed to grieve for the loss of that love.

But then you need to do two things:

You need to allow yourself to grieve that loss, because it is a real loss, and no-one can take that away from you.

And then you need to forgive yourself. No good can come from self loathing and retribution. It's ok, good even to acknowledge the hurt you have caused to others, and the reminder of that will be a reminder to you why you shouldn't do it again. but it's done now. It was the past, it's over, and you have learned a valuable lesson from it. It's ok to forgive yourself and to move forward.

lunar1 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:27:51

Please go to the hospital, you really don't know how much may have been absorbed.

Yes you made a mistake but your children don't deserve to lose you.

Zoe999 Fri 06-Sep-13 15:30:50

U r not a horrible person. Life is complucated. He sounds such an entitled user. He'll bring misery to his wife's lap soon. I hope u feel better soon.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:36:52

What have I dont to his wife? she does not deserve any of this, how could i be a part of it

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 15:38:27

The tablets werent absorbed they were whole they were capsules

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 15:52:03

Do not beat yourself up.

You did something wrong. Most of us have done wrong things at one time or another.
Do forgive yourself and learn from it.

And he was the one who promised fidelity to her. I am never one to blame the OW. I do think the unfaithful partner has 100% responsibility before their partner.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 06-Sep-13 15:57:18

Just wanted to add a message of support, you are not the first or last person to make a mistake. It does to define who you are.

Take care of yourself, the pain will get better, one piece of advice I was given when going through a tough time was "in 5 years time will what you're going through now really matter" always makes me realise that things will get better.

NaturalBaby Fri 06-Sep-13 16:58:21

It's done now, you are suffering and hopefully so is he.
Focus on your kids, your home and yourself now -you can use this horrible experience to make yourself a better and stronger person.
The pain is awful but you can and will move on.

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 18:15:23

"I nearly rang his wife today as well I am scared that I will do that."

Now I am cross. You are in control of everything you do and don't even pretend you can't help yourself.

You need to delete. I know you are hurting but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere and you don't have time to wallow.

karmasgotme Fri 06-Sep-13 18:17:55

Why are you cross? :-(

I dont mean that I cant help myself, I mean that I will get it into my head that it is a good idea to ring her when I know it isnt

MissStrawberry Fri 06-Sep-13 18:32:11

Because you are being self indulgent and making out you are not in control of your actions. You are. You made a choice to sleep with a married man. I am sympathetic as heartache is shit but you need to get through this and stop thinking about what you might do when it is stupid thing to do. Read the book I suggested.

Scarletohello Fri 06-Sep-13 18:46:30

Sweetheart I have been in a similar place to you. It hurts like hell. You have been badly deceived. You are worthy of love, his treatment of you doesn't define who you are. The pain will pass in time but right now you are both grieving and full of impotent rage. Be kind to yourself. If you can get therapy I would advise cognitive therapy as you have some very painful and erroneous beliefs about yourself. I'm 8 months on from where you are. It does get easier I promise...

Onebuddhaisnotenough Fri 06-Sep-13 18:49:02

Where are your children at the minute?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 21:19:23

I know you feel like you have directly hurt his wife but the chances are since he has a mistress is that he has done this before and he will do it again. I don't mean to be horrible but it's he who has done this to his wife, not you. You didn't make him cheat on his wife. If he loved his wife enough, he wouldn't have done it no matter what you said or did. If he had any ounce of respect for his wife or kids, he wouldn't have done what he did.

Yes, you made a mistake getting involved with someone who was married and yes you should take a moment to acknowledge you should never do something like this again.

However, if we do something bad it doesn't automatically make us a bad person. I have made mistakes aplenty, but I honestly now believe I am not a bad person. I am good person who has made bad choices and that stands the same for you.

I really think you should seek professional help. I don't mean this in a 'you're crazy' way I mean this as a way to move on and deal with your emotions and your low self esteem. I have been to counselling an am a generally well rounded person it doesn't make you any less of a person. See if you can get a friend or family member to have the kids for an hour a week so you can discuss it with a counsellor.

You said you have cut away from those you were close to because of this relationship. I am sure if they truly care they will welcome you again with open arms. They may say I told you so, they may ask you why you didn't talk sooner but you know they will more than likely want to help when they realise how down you have been feeling.

Go and give your children a big hug if you can (or watch them peacefully sleeping if they are in bed). This should remind you of what really matters in your world. Because no matter what, they will love you.

They don't love you because they have to they love you because you have made them feel safe, they have fun with you, they enjoy your company and you are the one stable thing in their life.

Think about that before you think about taking any drastic actions again in the future.

Bluemonkeyspots Fri 06-Sep-13 21:35:52

Ahh op there was a thread I read on here today from a wife who's husband had cheated on her at kayaking club and the other woman had since found out she had nerve damage due to kayaking (have tried to give you enough info to search)

Op was going on about how karma had been served and she was pounced on with all the "it was your dh that was to blame for the affair not the other woman" posts.

Mumsnet is a funny place, please take the support but treat the negative comments with a pinch of salt. How can anyone really pass comment on you after just reading a few paragraphs of your life.

How are you feeling tonight?

karmasgotme Mon 09-Sep-13 12:52:22

Thank you for all your replies.

I am feeling much better today, I cant believe how low I got on Friday, it really did feel like the end of the world for me.

I am feeling much more positive. I have been asked out on a date by a friend of a friend and whilst I am in no way ready for any sort of relationship, I am going to go, just because it gives me something to focus on this week (he knows we are going as 'friends')

Thank you for all your support and kindness. I am reading the book recommended and whilst I still feel absolutely crap about everything, I am going to find that light at the end of the tunnel, eventually.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 09-Sep-13 13:02:34

Really glad to hear that you are feeling better 2day. Onwards and upwards. Good luck x

MissStrawberry Mon 09-Sep-13 13:36:26

Please don't fall into the trap of needing a man or a relationship to make you feel positive. You should feel positive without this "date" to go on because you have got yourself out of a relationship with someone else's husband.

karmasgotme Mon 09-Sep-13 14:06:41

At the moment I just want something to look forward to

Chyochan Mon 09-Sep-13 15:01:16

Try to focus on things to look forward to in the short term, medium term and long term. There will be many as your life moves on from this and you reconnect with friends and start to have good times again. In the short term try to make small things to look forward to like a nice meal a fav TV show anything really.

karmasgotme Tue 10-Sep-13 15:52:04

I dont really enjoy TV, I never have! and I cant eat, so looking forward to a meal is like looking forward to retching on cardboard at the moment :-(

I am struggling to find anything much to look forward to, but I am hoping that things will start to return.

musicismylife Tue 10-Sep-13 23:15:35

Pull yourself together. You have three children. You have responsibilies. If you feel like shit, get help but stop wallowing in self-pity.

Peapodmamma43 Wed 11-Sep-13 01:11:28

I have been in your situation too and I am married with 3 kids at home, and he was married with 2 grown up kids. We didn't sleep together and only went out a handful of times but I was infatuated and mistook it for love cos my husband and I had grown apart. It was the most stupid thing I ever did. My husband and I spent 3 months reconciling and then he told me he had met someone else and is now leaving me and three kids for her.....my youngest is 3....I feel your pain and I know how low you feel. I have been rock bottom and feel it is all my fault as I drove my husband into the arms of this other woman. The man I was seeing is reconciling his marriage but I feel terrible for the pain his wife must be going through - if it is anywhere near what I feel now my husband is doing it then I know I would never do this to anyone again. I understand you feel used, I too feel used, even though folk will judge and cast blame emotion is a powerful thing. I am sure when you entered into this you never thought about the wider picture but that doesn't make you a bad person just misguided and he lied to you just like all married men. The man I was seeing told me his marriage was dead they didn't sleep together and that he loved and wanted to be with me but it was all lies. Don't put yourself down and try to get some free counselling maybe through your workplace - lots of employers will do this for their employees through a private individual. I have started counselling and I know it will make me feel stronger and make me face what I did and to come to terms with what my husband has now done to his family (he put the blame 100% on to me and that it a hard thing to bear knowing the kids dad won't be around for them because of what I did. You are not a bad person please believe it. The fact that you feel such remorse says a lot about you. Chin up xxwink wink

Monty27 Wed 11-Sep-13 01:22:46

Now you know how it feels.

Sorry, I had to put that.

However, back to you.

You don't sound like a bad person, a shocked person, brokenhearted, devastated.

No man is worth this. He is a worthless cheat, you are worth so much more, albeit more educated and experienced in the world of cheats. I have no doubt he read you all the lines of a cheating bastard, so many trusting people get roped into this. (sorry for language),

Not everyone cheats. Please think of your family, your loved ones, your colleagues. He is so not worth it. Forgive yourself, he lied to you. It was him not you.

Put your experience to use. Tell people, talk about it, if just on here, You will get amazing support.

and tell the other woman if she doesn't already know.

flowers

Monty27 Wed 11-Sep-13 01:26:28

Pea your dp sounds like a prick, so you had marriage problems, which gave him carte blanche to shag someone else? No, I don't buy that and neither should you. You didn't wreck the family, he has.

Peapodmamma43 Wed 11-Sep-13 23:13:48

my husband is a prick and has wrecked thw family we had. He is out with his woman now after saying he would come straight home after work finished at 10pm (it is now 11.11pm). he thinks cos he is moving out on a few weeks and has askede for a divorce he is not doing anything wrong seeing the ow. It is gut wrenching. ....it will be better when he has moved out although I am dreading it at the same time.

karmasgotme Thu 12-Sep-13 10:41:57

A bit of an update.

God im an idiot :-(

drunk a whole bottle of JD on Tuesday night and ended up contacting his OW through FB. I typed out a message to his wife too, but didnt send it. All the time I was texting him to tell him what I was doing, getting drunker and drunker, I scared the hell out of him, he thought I was going to drink myself to death.

So yesterday it all came to a head. His OW knows now, so shes mad with me for telling her. I have no idea what lies he has told her, but it sounds like they are all hunky dory.

He has begged me not to tell his wife, he is being all lovely to me because he thinks I might. I want to, to hurt him, but I dont want to hurt her, she is innocent in all of this.

Today I went to the docs, got a script for AD's and Anxiety tablets. Just hope they start to work soon, because at the moment I dont even have the strength to empty the dishwasher.

MUSIC - if I could pull myself together I would. This goes deeper than this man, I am starting to realise that my self esteem has been in the gutter for years, I have been in a deep depression that I medicated by seeing this man :-(

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 11:21:13
Lweji Thu 12-Sep-13 11:21:27

Have you been to see the GP?

You need to let go of all of this.
Just walk away from the mess this man gets you in.
And how is he being nice to you?

Do you work together? Or have to see each other?

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 11:21:54

He also does other books and CDs that you should take a look at.

NandH Thu 12-Sep-13 11:46:03

That is karma, at its greatest.
Sorry but what did you expect. You knew he was married. You are both to blame. If your strong enough to go after a married man your strong enough to pick yourself up after this fall.

You do need to seek professional advise if your feeling this low though, for the sake of your children if you won't do it for yourself.

Pick yourself up, gain some self respect and move on, he's history now, next time you engage with a man make sure he's not married. And let's hope this is the only karma you'll get and your future dh/dp doesn't do this to you, count yourself lucky your not this mans wife.

karmasgotme Thu 12-Sep-13 12:10:23

I have ordered the book.

I dont have to see him. I want to walk away with my head held high but I keep getting angry and I want to tell his wife to hit him where it really hurts

Iheartcrunchiebars Thu 12-Sep-13 12:19:20

Telling his wife won't make you feel better.

However hard it is cut all ties. No numbers, Facebook etc that is the first step.

Do not drink anything. Decide not to drink any alcohol for a month, it only weakens your resolve.

You are not a horrible person you've just made a bad decision. But you need to start filling your life with things that take up thinking space.

One of my (completely non religious) friends joined a church after his wife had an affair, he found a lot of support, another fried had never run but trained for a marathon (with an I pod full of angry music!)

I hope it all works out for you.

karmasgotme Thu 12-Sep-13 12:50:22

Telling his wife will destroy his relationship with this new woman though, that will make me feel better

gamerchick Thu 12-Sep-13 13:52:26

You're at serious risk of becoming unhinged. Grab ahold of yourself and think of your kids.

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 14:26:08

Stop being so silly.

I understand you want to hurt him. You probably want to tell his wife so he'll come back crawling to you. Well he won't. And you shouldn't do anything but grow up and live you life.

There are millions of men in the world ffs. Pick one that isn't married.

loopylou6 Thu 12-Sep-13 14:41:59

I'd tell his wife. She has the right to know what a twat she is married to, and she should be able to make her own decision about if she wants to stay or go.

Wuxiapian Thu 12-Sep-13 14:49:31

You started an affair with a married man and it's come back to haunt you.

Get a grip for your children's sake!

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 15:17:37

"I scared the hell out of him, he thought I was going to drink myself to death"
Bollox did he, he thought you were going to tell his wife more like. Forgive me for saying you seem quite gullible where this guy is concerned.
Imo you should know, for you, it makes no difference if you tell his wife or not, it will not help you in any way. Not that I think its a bad thing to do, just it makes no difference to you, it will not help you get closure.

loopylou6 Thu 12-Sep-13 15:23:04

yup, I agree with chyochan

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 15:33:20

TBh, and this is hard to say and read, if you had drunk yourself to death he would have felt relief that he got away with yet another affair.

You are an adult. You have children. Come on, you can get through this. Heartache is shit but you are making a choice to give this man too much of your life which should be spent on your children.

AngelinaCongleton Thu 12-Sep-13 15:40:26

Be glad you are out of it. It won't have felt good to be lying to and withdrawing from people. You've got a guilt free future to look forward to. Onwards and upwards. Draw a line under it and be glad you got out. Chin up.

nicename Thu 12-Sep-13 15:50:01

You need to forget about blokes for the time being. You're not a teenager - your a single mum to 3 kids who, at any age, have their own problems and worries and need their mum. You have to put aside your own feelings and try to focus on them. Make sure they don't make the same mistakes.

Maybe you go for the bastards? The idea of love and falling in love is very different in real life. Its not like the movies. You don't need a man. The kids need a mum though.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes 2 to tango. Learn from your mistakes. Be wary, be cautious but try to be happy in your own little family unit.

karmasgotme Thu 12-Sep-13 16:18:45

I dont want him back, its over, end of.

I want to tell his wife for revenge and for her, his true colours have been shown and I think she has a right to know.

I am glad I am out of it, but I dont see why he should get away with it, he gets everything, I get nothing. And he will do it again. I am fully aware that I wont get anything out of it.

nicename Thu 12-Sep-13 16:33:27

If you tell her, she will feel like crap. He will most likely wheedle out of it and you will end up feeling like the bad guy. The ten seconds of satisfaction won't make up for that, really it won't. I'm sure she suspects anyway. Your hubby can't be seeing two (maybe more) other women and you have no inkling.

Forget him. Don't think about him. Don't even wish him ill (karma will bite him eventually). Focus on yourself and nakibg yourself happy. Noone else can make you happy, not really.

Priceliss Thu 12-Sep-13 16:38:59

Don't do anything stupid it' not worth it.

I had the worlds WORST break up ever with my fiance 4 months ago - literally when I tell people what happened their jaws drop it was THAT bad. I loved her more than anything. When it happened I had a nervous breakdown I lost 2 stone in a month and everyone told me it would get better and I thought it never will.

I still think about her everyday but 4 months on I have a new girlfriend and honestly it DOES get better. You deserve someone who loves you not to be a piece of the side and you WILL find that. Do NOT give him the power to make you feel this way and honestly PLEASE do not do anything stupid. I was at a point where I almost did too and I'm so glad I didn't.

Thurlow Thu 12-Sep-13 16:46:15

Telling his wife won't hurt him, it won't hurt the OW - it will just hurt his wife.

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 16:50:15

Though tbf you could argue not telling her is hurting her as well.

Chyochan Thu 12-Sep-13 16:53:03

And I think it will cause him pain, maybe not in the way you or I understand it, but it will hurt him. It will do nothing at all for you though OP.

Mama1980 Thu 12-Sep-13 16:59:53

Karma, you don't have nothing you have EVERYTHING 3 children who love you. And he......well he isn't even worth thinking about. You need to stop, you need to delete numbers the lot, he's not worth it. Of course you feel you can't, it hurts, and yes it does but somethings do hurt and you just have to do them anyway.
You made a mistake, we all do we're human.
What do you enjoy doing? Cinema? Good food? Dancing? Try giving yourself something tiny to focus on, something that will make you smile every week. Baby steps.
I think you should speak to your gp as well, properly and honestly.
Please take good care of yourself x

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 17:28:43

She is not your responsibility and I feel you only want to tell her for revenge. Don't do it. It is not the right thing to do.

Stop focussing on him. If it is over it is over and no need to give him anymore headspace. Use the time for your children.

karmasgotme Thu 12-Sep-13 17:47:20

Ive confided everything to a friend this afternoon.

I feel better for spilling to her but she thinks I should tell too.

I dont feel satisfaction doing it, I just feel my pain and whilst I dont want her to hurt, she is being hurt now and has no idea. If she chooses to stay with him, thats up to her.

This is my doing and I am willing to get slaughtered for it, I dont even care any more.

gamerchick Thu 12-Sep-13 17:59:08

But you're not doing it for her.. you're doing it for selfish reasons. You didn't give her much thought when you were snagging her husband.. don't kid yourself you're doing her a favour.

Go ahead if you do so wish but be prepared for backlash and at the most a good thumping.. If you don't mind grief at the door in front of the kids then you crack on.

gamerchick Thu 12-Sep-13 17:59:52

*shagging

Waferthinmint Thu 12-Sep-13 18:08:33

Your actions make you sound like a horrible person.

Mama1980 Thu 12-Sep-13 18:16:16

I'm pleased you've got someone to talk to karma but please just stop. Stop engaging, stop giving any of this head space, cut all contact and move on. Forget about him, his wife, his mistress......and if you cant then distract yourself, read, take your children for a walk, go for a drive, fake indifference until you feel it.
This isn't healthy.

Floggingmolly Thu 12-Sep-13 18:28:04

She is not being any more hurt by him being with the other woman than when he was with you hmm.

Floggingmolly Thu 12-Sep-13 18:30:10

Yet you'd be with him now without a second thought if he hadn't dumped you! Leave her be.

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 20:21:45

So really you just want to tell the wife as you are pissed off he has chosen her and it is the only way you can get your revenge on him.

What a really horrible thing to do.

And don't try and say you are doing her a favour. You are doing it because you are annoyed.

TSSDNCOP Thu 12-Sep-13 20:34:36

Please don't tell his wife because he's left you for someone else.

That would be so cruel.

loopylou6 Thu 12-Sep-13 22:40:40

Does no body think that his poor wife NEEDS to know? needs to know, for herself, nothing to do with op.

loopylou6 Thu 12-Sep-13 22:42:13

I feel so sorry, for some poor woman out there, who has no idea she's married to a cheating scum bag

TSSDNCOP Thu 12-Sep-13 22:55:41

Yes she should know. Of course she bloody should.

But not because a woman who is bitter because her married lover left her decides that's the best way to make herself feel better, and possibly cause enough catastrophic fallout that the cheating, lying cunt falls back into her bed decides its the right thing to do.

Possibly the one person who is the innocent victim here should be accorded some fucking respect.

dandydorset Thu 12-Sep-13 23:12:43

i would tell the wife

nothing worse than finding out way down the line

yes op may do it for bitter reasons,but if i was the wife id rather know than not and i speak from experience

Monty27 Fri 13-Sep-13 00:07:42

I know how you feel Karma but, revenge is not always sweet, and that's what it would be, revenge. Be honest.

You've had the flip, the JD, the hangover and all that goes with that. Stop now.

Enter dignity. Hold your head high, you did wrong, don't do anything else that's wrong. The 'new' other woman might do your work for you. Yes, I feel sorry for the wife, but where is it going to get anyone? You're not the first, the second probably isn't the second, let him carry on. Silence speaks volumes.

The more dignity you can muster at this point is better for you, and will make him feel even worse. He must be after all, bricking it. Let him. Don't listen to any of his nice words. Ignore him. Completely.

Lucky escape for you, and it's early days, it will take time. But don't go in the gutter where he is.

flowers

internationallove985 Fri 13-Sep-13 00:24:30

Hi Karma. I hope you're okay, bit telling this wife I guarantee will not make it any better for you. Let's not forget his wife is as innocent as you are, she's done nothing wrong. xxx

internationallove985 Fri 13-Sep-13 00:25:10

Sorry bit should say but. xx

NandH Fri 13-Sep-13 08:21:03

Tell the wife. ONLY because SHE deserves to know what a cock she's married to. Personally I don't think you deserve any closure.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 19:55:37

SHE HAS TOLD THE WIFE.

Thurlow Fri 13-Sep-13 20:04:18

Strawberry, do you know that? confused

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 20:07:11

Check out the I told her thread. It is her.

nicename Sun 15-Sep-13 10:54:24

That's great then. Now everyone is miserable and the wife's hate is most likely misdirected towards the OP rather than Cheaty McCheat.

Everyones a loser now, and the OP will feel like a right cowbag once she's had her five minutes of the lovely revenge warm and fuzzy feeling. And will he come a-crawling back? I think not.

OP - step away from the booze, facebook/social networking sites and your phone/email before you get any more bright ideas. Try to dust yourself off, chalk this down to experience, promise yourself you won't get caught by such a prick again, and spend some time concentrating on the people in your life who mean something to you (YOUR KIDS). Look forward not back.

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