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Really annoying person I could get my own back on... but should I?

(148 Posts)
LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 13:47:04

Looking for some votes here for or against while I decide what to do.

Two years ago I was helping organise a charity event and somebody who didn't know I was the chairman of the volunteer sports club involved was obnoxious to me. Gratuitously rude and insulting. I withdrew with dignity and said to her "I hope you never want to join our Club in the future". She didn't know at the time I was senior management.

Now two years later she has applied to join with her new partner and I could "black ball" her. She has friends who have begged me not to, she has turned over a new leaf, she is with a new man etc etc.

I have done stupid things myself in the past, and maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. But already she has upset me again with this, and I will have to socialise with her for years potentially.

So do I block her application and look petty? Or be the bigger person and say nothing? This is a very small place...

nerfgunsftw Fri 06-Sep-13 13:49:28

Black ball.

LadyBigtoes Fri 06-Sep-13 13:50:21

Blocking her would be v satisfying but might backfire on you - she will then get her own back on you one day.

What you want is to let her through but make sure she somehow knows this is because of your magnanimity (presumably this will happen, via the friends). Then she will always owe you one - and if she is nice now, that might be OK.

tangerinefeathers Fri 06-Sep-13 13:53:38

How rude was she?

You could let her in but make it clear she has to behave herself.

I think most people deserve a second chance... she may have grown up a bit.

solarbright Fri 06-Sep-13 13:53:52

Hmmm. Was she being rude to you because she assumed you were a 'little person of no consequence' -type thing? If so, blackball. Unless she's had some sort of personal epiphany, she's probably the same snobbish brat she was then.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 13:59:26

I can't give too many details without outing myself, but it was a serious Health and Safety issue for the charity event I was responsible for and she was taking the piss to be funny and look clever. She was with a large gang of friends and I was on my own and found it very intimidating.

I think she is actually a Loser and treats the Little People with contempt, but hadn't realised who I was IYKWIM.

I just don't want to be made uncomfortable in my own safe place with my friends! I probably just need to bluff it out don't I? She should be more embarrassed than me if she has any shame.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 14:00:39

yes solar exactly that, snobbish brat! And a bit of a heavy drinker then too. But maybe she is better now she has settled down.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 06-Sep-13 14:03:11

Black ball.

She sounds like a bully.

ZombiesAteMyBigToe Fri 06-Sep-13 14:05:34

I'd blackball.

But only because in my experience people like that very rarely change and she has the potential to make this area of your life unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Whocansay Fri 06-Sep-13 14:07:49

She sounds like a Wendy. Black ball.
They have no way of knowing if it was you anyway.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 06-Sep-13 14:07:57

black ball, she must have some brass neck applying to join in the first place

Oh come on, you could have some fun with this. accept her graciously but make damn sure she understands and agrees to the health and safety rules which you'll feel compelled to goo through at some length. .. wink

HeathRobinson Fri 06-Sep-13 14:08:33

Would she actually find out you blackballed her? Isn't it a anonymous process?

Block her application on basis of "lack of sportmanship".

QueenofallIsee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:09:48

I would Blackball - its not revenge, it is exercising your right. I think that you may have made a bit of a mistake in discussing it with mutual friends ahead of doing it but its too late now...that doesn't mean you have to put up with a load of rubbish

oldgrandmama Fri 06-Sep-13 14:10:23

Black ball, definitely. And I'm thinking of starting a thread on 'revenge is sweet ...' Boy, have I got some stories (involve cheating ex)

perfectstorm Fri 06-Sep-13 14:10:55

Black ball. Second chances matter, but she has those in other settings. Why risk your safe space? Someone who bullies someone they think is powerless is unlikely to be a different woman a couple of years later.

How old was she, though? Late teens, and people can change quite fast. Late 20s and 30s, and more doubtful.

Invite her in for a chat about her membership application and see how she reacts when she realises who you are. If she apologises for being a drunken twat then that's one thing but if she tries to pretend that it didn't happen or was no big deal then either blackball or probationary membership.

thenightsky Fri 06-Sep-13 14:11:27

Another vote for 'blackball' here.

QueenofallIsee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:11:32

PS - I don't have much patience with you having to suffer to be 'the bigger person'..she sounds like a complete bitch and noone gets a medal or a pat on the back for putting up with that kind of bollocks

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 14:14:09

I'd blackball, not because of any personal insults, but because from knowing her previously you don't think she'd be a good member.
And I'd worry if she was involved in any organisation of events, should she overlook serious H&S issues.

InternationalPower Fri 06-Sep-13 14:14:25

I agree with Chaz. No need to decline her application and upset her friends (who you are presumably on good terms with?)

But, you could have so much more fun by letting her know just how big a mistake she made and how long memories are...

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 14:14:45

I agree it is a shame I was discussing her application with a senior member. Her friends overheard and contacted me today to intercede.

I am tending towards clemency at the moment. I once swore at someone who was being uncooperative over theatre seats and it turned out he was the local Methodist Minister. That took me years to live down. Actually my friends still pull my leg over it. I would hate to have been punished two years later.

But that was a one off and I think with her it is common behaviour.
Ach!

MooncupGoddess Fri 06-Sep-13 14:15:46

From what you say it might backfire on you if you blackball her... will people know it's you? If you're not careful you might just end up looking petty and vindictive. If she's awful she'll dig her own grave in time.

perfectstorm Fri 06-Sep-13 14:19:55

Frankly her friends calling you up to intercede is also a red flag IMO. Adult women don't behave that way... surely? Imagine the drama if she rallies the troops every time (and yes, I do think she did that, or they would have approached you to say something when they heard it).

All sounds a bit too like school for my liking. Who has time for such nonsense?

Sparkeleigh Fri 06-Sep-13 14:20:01

She might not treat you as rudely now she realises your position, but if you think there's even the smallest chance she might repeat her behaviour with other people in the club, I'd blackball her.

For full disclosure I've been in a great sports club that was been torn apart by someone troublemaking, so I'm biased. I'm also sceptical about passing the blame for her behaviour onto her old partner - I'd be more inclined to believe she's 'changed' if she took responsibility for herself and apologised.

Celadorthepinksequineddragon Fri 06-Sep-13 14:20:01

I would chat with her and if you think she hasn't changed - blackball.

If it's a friendly, relaxed club, I wouldn't want the dynamics changed by this person. I'd also not want to risk them bullying anyone else (to me, it sounds like she did bully you).

Sparkeleigh Fri 06-Sep-13 14:21:36

"was been?" sorry, my brain clearly failed on that bit...

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 14:22:05

Black ball.

cees Fri 06-Sep-13 14:25:04

I'd black ball, you don't need the hassle.

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 14:30:40

If you go out to dinner and your companion is nice to you but nasty to the waitress then they are not a nice person.

Is there an opportunity for you to be in the same place socially before deciding?

Blackballing on the basis of one situation might be OTT, depending on just how awful she was.

Viking1 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:32:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leopoldina Fri 06-Sep-13 14:34:06

the reason you've been given the right to black ball is because your opinion is valued and trusted in terms of who is suitable to join your club. You are exercising it on behalf of the whole club, not just yourself (black ball the witch)

Vatta Fri 06-Sep-13 14:35:29

Black ball.

If her friends hassle you about it, just point out that this is a social club, and only people who will be a good "fit" are allowed to join. Based on her past behaviour, you don't think she's a good fit, that's totally valid.

hairclipcloe Fri 06-Sep-13 14:38:06

Blackball - don't feel guilty or bad about doing it. She sounds like a bully and a bitch and the fact that you've already got her minions on your back is an indication of what it could be like if she joins.

Vivacia Fri 06-Sep-13 14:41:00

I can't get a handle on the situation (applying to join a sports club?) but how about asking her tfor an informal chat about her application? Be honest, tell her obviously you are fully aware of her opinions on X and that this causes you some concerns.

Her friends shouldn't be talking to you and apologising on her behalf. She should be.

Zoe999 Fri 06-Sep-13 14:41:40

Blackball. Its only a social club.. uu r not ruining het life

NettleTea Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:41

Black ball. Someone who thinks its OK to bully/humiliate you because she believes you inferior to her is a surefire red flag of an abusive personality.
Those things dont change.
And, as poster above points out, she is bullying again, only indirectly this time. She sounds a nightmare and like she may attempt to challenge you to rule the roost at some point in the future.

BeCool Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:42

Perhaps ask yourself WHY you have been given the right to BlackBall applicants - surely you have this right for a purpose?

What is the purpose?
And if it's approrpiate to use this power now, then do it.

Sometimes karma in action needs a helping hand.

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Sep-13 14:42:49

Another vote for blackball.

If she now knows that you are in charge, AND you let her in, she will probably come in all smug and "ha, I STILL got in despite you saying I wouldn't two years ago".

Any H&S breach through showing off and stupidity, especially where bullyboy tactics were involved, is good enough reason to keep her out, IMO.

I agree with whoever else mentioned Wendy - she will turn into a Wendy and you might find yourself having to leave your own club if she joins.

If her friends decide to leave off the back of you denying her entry, then that's tough, but it's their decision.

It might help if some other person on the committee (if there is one) denies her application as well of course!

Charbon Fri 06-Sep-13 14:44:32

I have an inbuilt dislike of blackballing, especially when it is anonymous and done in a covert fashion. So I wonder whether there is something in the membership criteria that would prevent her joining, that would be consistently and demonstrably applied to other applicants with the same shortfall?

Failing that, I'm sure you can produce a code of conduct and point out that her earlier transgression was a breach of club rules and so you are minded not to approve the application, unless she can refute what you saw happening, to your satisfaction. But I would be transparent about that and own the decision. In this case her friends' eavesdropping is going to ensure she knows whose decision it was and if it's a fair one, you should have confidence making and communicating it.

Plus, you might just enjoy it wink.

FondantNancy Fri 06-Sep-13 14:45:02

This: Invite her in for a chat about her membership application and see how she reacts when she realises who you are.

And THEN blackball!

If you don't want to 'Blackball' her, could you explain your reasons to the other committee member and leave it to them and not vote. Then there can not be any comeback on you.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 14:49:39

Gosh! You are a very unforgiving lot! Very few seem to think I should be generous. Luckily my spell in charge is now over and I am back in the ranks so ultimately this is not my decision. But as some of you pointed out I have the power of veto for a reason. I have until Monday to decide what to do in the best interests of the Club.

I think this person potentially could cause difficulties within the Club, but being warned now might put her on her best behaviour.
I am also aware that I am a little afraid of the consequences of crossing her, due to her profession and her loudness! I wish I could be as brave in RL as you lot are over the internet!

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Sep-13 14:49:55

As a matter of interest, has she made any attempt herself to apologise for her awful behaviour and say that she acted stupidly and has changed? Because if she hasn't apologised then DEFINITELY don't let her in, however you achieve that - she won't be sorry.

InMyShreddies Fri 06-Sep-13 14:51:16

Blackball.

I have to ask though... what's a Wendy?

Stropzilla Fri 06-Sep-13 14:51:33

I'm sorry I'd blackball. Why be the bigger person when it's doubtful she'd appreciate it? Her friends getting involved sort of tell me she's not changed, but they'd like you to think that! No way would I want to spend time with someone I didn't like, and yes I'd avoid it if at all possible. But I'm feeling knocky and unforgiving today.

LePamplemousseMousse Fri 06-Sep-13 14:52:32

I would black ball. I agree that you are in a role to decide who is suitable for the club - not just for your sake but for all members. Someone who belittles others like a school bully does not sound like they are going add to the enjoyment of the club. I understand her friends may suspect you've black balled her but you're not the only one voting, so you may not be the only one especially if other senior members are aware of your concerns.

I wouldn't risk ruining an important area of your life by letting her into it. You could really come to regret it as people rarely change, her behaviour surely has nothing to do with which partner she's with.

And you did warn her, after all grin

A Wendy (name given to a protagonist in a thread)

A Wendy is someone who appears to be your friend who you then introduce to your group of friends who makes it their business to gradually worm their way in with your friends and ostracise you. You go from from being in the midst of a friendship group to being out in the cold.

KoalaFace Fri 06-Sep-13 15:00:31

Blackball vote is protecting your safe space from infiltration from bitch face.

But will fall out from her posse make it worse?

BettyBotter Fri 06-Sep-13 15:02:42

Does she know who you are? Does she even remember her rude behaviour or was she too drunk ?

Ring her to discuss your 'concerns' about her application. Remind her of her uncivil behaviour and her dismissive approach to health and safety. Explain your club policy on unacceptable behaviour and tell her you are minded to reject her application.

Then stand back and see...

If she Fs and blinds and says she doesn't want to join your poxy club anyway, you have your answer.

If she apologises, accepts she was out of order and is extremely embarrassed. I would probably let her in.

Let us know wink

.

Lweji Fri 06-Sep-13 15:03:01

If you don't want to 'Blackball' her, could you explain your reasons to the other committee member and leave it to them and not vote. Then there can not be any comeback on you.
This is a good solution, IMO, if possible.

ladyjadie Fri 06-Sep-13 17:09:48

Yeah, if she can do it to you she can do it to others. I'd be blackballing her on that- it's potentially bad for the meeker members of the club.

So you have a good moral reason to back up your own personal one!

P.s oldgrandmama if you're still reading, do start up that revenge thread grin

Apocalypto Fri 06-Sep-13 17:27:55

I am not one for being all forgiving and rising above it and all that shit.

I would get even.

You're completing this little cow's upbringing for her. It's like overlooking a child'd bad behaviour otherwise.

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 17:33:49

Nothing about getting even, or rising above or anything, but that this person is a fucking hassle and really, why invite that into your life in your free time? Life is full of enough involuntary and unavoidable hassles without forgoing them when you can in your personal life.

Just bar her and fuck all her sycophants.

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 06-Sep-13 18:38:02

The more you post about her the worse she sounds. She has a reputation beyond your sphere for loud bullying so she hasn't changed.
Explain your reasoning to the other members, leaving out any personal aspect on your side.

Tell them about the HS aspect which I am presuming she knew she was being a dick about just to look good. Anyone who will flout such basic rules for popularities sake is not to be trusted. That need doesn't go away. She is quiet atm because the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

As others have said if she joins she will drive other members away including you. She may not remember what she did before but she will insist on things at the club being her way and it will rub people up the wrong way.

If you want to give her a second chance fine but not with something so close to your heart as this. Black ball.

Lostinspace1 Fri 06-Sep-13 19:32:01

Blackball.

She was rude and insulting to you - why would being with a new man change her character??

She will revert to type when surrounded by her friends.

PigOnStilts Fri 06-Sep-13 19:35:09

Blackball the bitch just for making her friends plead her case.

LifeofPo Fri 06-Sep-13 19:36:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MakeHayIsAWhaleNow Fri 06-Sep-13 19:42:23

If you let her in now, can you later retract it? I would call her in to discuss your concerns given how she treated you, be the bigger person and let her in but with zero tolerance for that kind of thing again? I wouldn't blackball, tbh (seems petty), but let her know you have forgiven but not forgotten.

ChelseaBun Fri 06-Sep-13 19:42:53

I think you should let her in. After all the fuss with her friends she will be so grateful to you.

She can then be your little pet that you give all the shitty jobs to at the next charity event.

LifeofPo Fri 06-Sep-13 19:44:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly Fri 06-Sep-13 19:44:18

I'd blackball without a second thought; but why were you discussing her application within earshot of her friends? confused

GrandstandingBlueTit Fri 06-Sep-13 19:51:51

I don't think there's any way you can blackball her, is there, what with too many people knowing about it, and the long-term repercussions of doing so?

However, I think letting her in is almost certainly going not going to be a good thing for you.

ROCK< you >HARD PLACE

I would blackball, simply because you told her you would if she ever tried to join your club. If you don't, she will assume it's because you lack clout, rather than that you are of a forgiving nature, and will probably be even more sneery in future.

PTFO Fri 06-Sep-13 20:10:29

will she know it was you that blackballed?

I'd blackball. karma is a bitch.

Beccaloolah Fri 06-Sep-13 20:29:56

Part of me wants to say give her a second chance. But you know what - would she do the same for you?

What issues does she have that made her so hideous? You could pity her, blackball her but would it make you feel a better person?

However, conflicting advice, I know, perhaps being the better person would be to let her know you were upset/hurt/angry etc by her behaviour but that you are willing to let her have a second chance. But that if she fucks up again she's out!

pl1999 Fri 06-Sep-13 20:37:30

Adult women don't behave that way... surely?

No, adult women post here asking for opinions as to whether they should get their own back over a past indiscretion.

Not petty at all.

No way is she going to behave like a little pet! She will be utter while, she has showed OP just how badly behaved she can be, and if OP lets her in despite this, she knows she has carte blanche to do anything she wants!

DO NOT LET HER IN!

vile. not while

perfectstorm Fri 06-Sep-13 20:46:10

No, adult women post here asking for opinions as to whether they should get their own back over a past indiscretion.

I agree the phrasing was really poor. I wasn't expecting to sympathise with the OP when I clicked. But the title doesn't reflect the situation, IMO.

And indiscretions are when you get drunk and loud, or say inadvertently something monumentally tactless, and so on. There's no malice involved. Bullying is not an indiscretion. That's a choice.

I've thought about this some more. It's not about revenge or personal feelings. Do you think she will be an asset to the club, will she abide by its rules and support its ethos? Based on past behaviour the answer is no. Therefore, I would be inclined to conclude that she doesn't fulfil the membership criteria. So blackball her for having demonstrating her lack of respect for the club rules and its members rather because of her personal rudeness to you.

Having demonstrated

cantdoalgebra Fri 06-Sep-13 21:01:24

She probably was awful to you in the first place because she is the sort of person who is always looking for perceived "weakness" in others and when they think they find it, they attack, whether justified or not. People like this do not change - ever. It is not a passing phase, or a mistake, it is in their nature. If you support her application, she will not be grateful, she will merely view it as another example of "weakness". You do not need her in your life - let her do any running, not you. This is not about revenge, it is realism.

CharityFunDay Fri 06-Sep-13 21:36:39

Why are you even debating this?

Blackball, and sleep easy over it.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 22:21:13

Thanks for all the feedback. I am glad I posted (and sorry that my thread title was rather ill thought out). From this I have reflected that yes this person is probably a bully and not an asset to our club. I am not perfect and would never pass judgement on someone without hearing more about their situation and the reasons they behaved badly. And it was definitely indiscrete to talk about her application in the club at the bar unaware that interested ears were flapping! Her friend asked me not to judge her on first impressions and I think that will be my view.

I may come to regret not using my veto later, but equally she may be a strong character who can be given a role in the club.
I will update if there is any progress.

expatinscotland Fri 06-Sep-13 22:22:21

Once a mug . . .

hmm

raisah Fri 06-Sep-13 22:31:03

Blackball.
She will come into your circle and slowly turn people against you because she won't want people to know that she was awful to you previously. She will start off as a reformed character but then will revert to how she has always been.

raisah Fri 06-Sep-13 22:33:28

Posted too soon. I would seriously rethink your decision to admit her to your club.

She might even think you have tried to block her, but not had enough support/authority to do so, so will be super manipulative and behave like a real wendy.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 22:37:30

Thanks Raisah, but as I said it is not my decision to admit her, that is for the current committee. I can use a veto to stop her admission which is subtly different.

As I am a senior member and she would be a very junior new one I am not threatened by her Wendying me. The old codgers would see her off!

Vivacia Fri 06-Sep-13 23:00:48

What kind of a club is this?? I really can't picture it.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 06-Sep-13 23:01:54

oh dear, hope it all turns out well OP.

WherewasHonahLee Fri 06-Sep-13 23:11:42

Seems obvious to me that you should exercise your veto. Anyone that needs their friends to beg for them in the way you describe is not the sort of member you want IMO. But despite lots of of advice, you're admitting her. Your choice. Wouldn't be mine.

PigOnStilts Fri 06-Sep-13 23:14:06

You've got a veto for a reason! It's because you're expected to exercise good judgement....you're not doing that if you let in somebody you know to be unscrupulous in some way.

At least inform the deciding committee about your encounter with her and her attitude to health and safety. If there are issues in future, it is better for you if you have told them.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 06-Sep-13 23:22:17

Your 22:21 post is contradictory - you say this person is a bully and not an asset to your club, yet 'she may be a strong character who will have a role in the club'. Are you scared of her?

Is it a bowls club?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 06-Sep-13 23:42:52

Blackball .

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 23:45:30

Walk you are absolutely right I am being contradictory. I asked for advice and you all confirmed my instinct that she is bad news and I should veto her. But being a very reasonable easygoing person I am trying to find a positive spin. Actually I just need to grow a spine and log my objection don't I? Anything else is asking for trouble.

LemonDrizzled Fri 06-Sep-13 23:47:38

I don't want to say what sport but it is a very traditional one with etiquette and strict rules! All a bit stuffy and proper until we start competing

BoffinMum Fri 06-Sep-13 23:51:17

I would black ball her if she is not, as they say, clubbable.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 07-Sep-13 00:02:27

I guess part of your dilemma is that you know something about her from a purely chance encounter - if you hadn't happened to have that run-in with her, you would be none the wiser and she would be 'in'. But of course you do have that knowledge of what kind of person she is, and you have doubts that she is suitable for membership. What do your fellow senior club members think of what happened before? Do they feel it reflects the kind of behaviour/attitude they want in their membership? Maybe the decision doesn't rest entirely with you...

iheartdusty Sat 07-Sep-13 00:08:15

your earlier post:
" I am a little afraid of the consequences of crossing her".

that's it, isn't it?

she does not sound like an asset to anywhere.

Do not reveal your vote. Do not care what other people attribute to you. These are the responsibilities of having a vote. It is not about you, it is about your club, but your experience is relevant to what might happen again in future. You must put aside your own feelings. You must forget how you felt when she snubbed you. But you should consider how she has trampled on other people's feelings (yours) before, and whether she would do the same again. And you should prepare a careful response to any questions about how you voted.

and I would black ball her because she sounds like a negative presence in any club.

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 01:36:39

Look at it this way, once she is in how hard will it be to get her out?

If she genuinely has changed then she will accept her fate with equanimity and if she applies again you can allow her application to continue on the basis that she is now not the person she was. If she kicks off and goes batshit then you know you have made the right decision.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Sep-13 01:41:58

'But being a very reasonable easygoing person I am trying to find a positive spin. Actually I just need to grow a spine and log my objection don't I? Anything else is asking for trouble.'

Yes, because you will not to be able to shift her once she's in. And Wendys are poisonous. There in nothing unreasonable in being assertive, and many 'easygoing' people have learned to be so, too.

Life is hard enough. Why make it harder when it's not necessary?

springytufty Sat 07-Sep-13 02:01:06

As I am a senior member and she would be a very junior new one I am not threatened by her Wendying me

Oh! Wendy's aren't obvious! They sneak in and do the subtlest job of getting you out. Please don't think you're immune.

Veto her. She is a bully. Nobody needs a bully around - and, no, her 'strong character' won't be an asset to the club. She'll be a PITA at best, a serious threat at worst.

Man up OP. Black ball her.

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 02:27:19

I agree. Wendys are at their best when up against someone who is above them the hierarchy. Whispering Campaigning at its best.

Black ball

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 02:29:43

whis&#8242;pering campaign`
n.
the organized spreading of insinuations or rumors to destroy the reputation of a person, group, etc.

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 02:30:12

Ok that should be....

whis'pering campaign
n.
the organized spreading of insinuations or rumors to destroy the reputation of a person, group, etc.

glastocat Sat 07-Sep-13 05:30:56

I'd blackball her in a heartbeat.

Lazyjaney Sat 07-Sep-13 05:53:30

I may come to regret not using my veto later, but equally she may be a strong character who can be given a role in the club

You were the better person, and it was the right thing to do, but as you know no good deed goes unpunished.

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Sep-13 06:18:34

Oh goodness, why can you not just put the full picture before the committee and say that IYO she could be bad news - then let THEM veto her! Do they KNOW the whole story? If not, then TELL them. They make the decision, your conscience is clear (in BOTH directions) and she doesn't get into the club - job done!

You really DON'T want her there, you know that. You've already said that you don't think she'll be an asset so why on earth don't you follow that opinion through, and make sure she is not inflicted on the club?

And I agree that you can't outsmart or pre-empt a Wendy. They are too fecking devious, and the thing to remember about it is that Wendys:
a) have no morals
b) have no empathy
c) don't give a shiny shit who they hurt on the way
d) have done this before.

You are far too nice to compete with that, sorry. And you absolutely can NOT rely on people's previous good opinion of you/friendship.
Have a read of this thread - it's a short one - which is a great demonstration of how a Wendy operates.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 06:45:05

I am utterly perplexed by this situation, which is probably because I can't imagine this kind of formal but non-professional club. I would just allow this woman to join. I wouldn't ban her on the basis of one I'll-advised comments made two years ago.

LtEveDallas Sat 07-Sep-13 06:51:28

I have a cautionary tale that may be of interest.

In the Sergants Mess we can have 'Honorary Members' that are civilians. They may be ex military, or work for the military. Every year the Hon Members have to be voted back in, and one single 'no' vote from a 'Full Member' would mean the end of their membership.

Last year we had a new member apply for this year. I knew this person from old. When he was serving he was a nightmare, always in trouble and constantly in debt. I told the senior mess members this, and told them I would be voting against.

I shouldn't have said anything, just voted, because it turned out that a number of Mess Members knew him and were very friendly with him. I was 'persuaded' to give him a chance and not vote against him.

Well, 9 months on and his membership is being terminated. He has started 2 fights, abused the female staff so badly they now refuse to serve him and has run up a bill of over £200 that he refuses to pay.

I should have stuck to my guns. I knew he was bad news, and it's the Mess (and the accounts that I am responsible for) that suffered. I have also lost all respect for the people that persuaded me.

I say don't let her in.

BoffinMum Sat 07-Sep-13 08:05:44

Sometimes in life you have to grow a pair and just get on with doing things like black balling without apologising or explaining. You clearly think it would probably not be in the interests of the club to allow her to join. So use the black ball process to express this, which is exactly why the process is there. No need to agonise over the decision. Make it, move on, and enjoy your club in the knowledge that you have find your bit to maintain the equilibrium. FWIW my mum left a similar club recently because it went funny after a couple of these characters infiltrated, so it's important to try to keep things pleasant and as I say, work towards maintaining the club's equilibrium whenever possible.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 07-Sep-13 09:36:42

It's your responsibility to use the veto for the good of the other members and the club as a whole, rather than just thinking about the individual or you. Her value to the club is highly questionable and I don't see what she would bring to it. Blackball her. Don't discuss it with others, just do it.

You have been spineless on two accounts with this woman.

The first time when you backed down over health and safety.
Now, when you let her friends blackmail you to let her into the club.

No point having a veto if you dont have the guts to use it!

I agree that she would be no asset to the club. It's not as though you're blackballing her purely on the grounds of personal animosity. I really believe you'd come to regret it if you gave her this chance.

RaspberrySchnapps Sat 07-Sep-13 10:03:51

you've seen this woman in action, don't inflict her on unsuspecting club members. Like LteEve, I could tell a cautionary tale about this sort of thing too, to do with my mum's golf club.

You don't like her, don't really want her in so use your veto, that's exactly why you have been given that privilege, to help keep out undesirables. If others want her, let them vote for her. If they don't get a vote, why do they get to control yours?

Please don't be on MN 2 years down the line to say you are being forced out of your club by a small group of women, one in particular. Blackball and give it no further thought. If anyone asks you, tell them why, you're reasons are perfectly valid.

20wkbaby Sat 07-Sep-13 10:11:29

What if you accept the application to be magnanimous and her and all your mutual friends then form a little clique now they have what they want and your generosity is repaid in this way.

Won't you wish you'd blackballed her?

What are the possible repercussions of blackballing? Are you likely to come across her in any other context - school, socially etc?

Find your spine and use your veto.

You will kick yourself otherwise.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 11:09:53

I still don't get it. This woman once showed her self up with some nasty, sneering words directed at the OP. It was two years ago. Do we have any other evidence for some of the slurs being thrown around here?

Secondly, the OP has been accused of being spineless and cowardly and without any responsibility for her club. Why? It reads as very rude and unkind given that Lemon must dedicate quite a bit of time and energy to this club given her position over such a long period of time. Lemon has just come across as calm, reasoned and just doubting herself on whether she should have got over it by now or not.

I wonder if the thread is reminding many of us of some real bitchy behaviour we've suffered from and we're kind of over-extrapolating this situation.

Poppylovescheese Sat 07-Sep-13 12:28:33

Black ball

Apocalypto Sat 07-Sep-13 12:39:54

The club is either about croquet or dwarf tossing, I reckon

LemonDrizzled Sat 07-Sep-13 12:57:07

Haha I am liking the dwarf tossing, although we are a very politically correct lot despite the stuffy etiquette.

Thank Vivacia for your kind words and Quint I could explain better but I don't want to give more detail. I am not spineless, as you would know if you met me, I have run committees full of cross old gits and competed at the highest level against aggressive testosterone loaded men (and women!). I sort out Child Protection and Risk Assessments for the Club too.

It is more that I am aware that I have this important responsibility of veto and am thinking through the implications of using it against somebody who I suspect will react very badly. You have all made me see that in fact if she kicks off it proves my point, and will be better than having her poisonous presence inside the Club.

Last night I talked it all through (privately) with someone I trust who will be at the meeting next week so he knows my views.

SuperiorCat Sat 07-Sep-13 13:16:19

Black ball her.

You don't need someone unpleasant causing trouble

Stop over analysing and go with your gut.

Make your points at the Meeting and then see what happens.
I think it's pretty unanimous on here that she doesn't sound an asset.

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Sep-13 15:21:48

If you're still dithering, run a Risk Assessment on having her as a member, see what that does for your decision wink

Floggingmolly Sat 07-Sep-13 15:27:18

Does the fact that she's likely to react very badly to the news that her application has been refused not tell you all you need to know?

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 15:32:35

She's made her decision and acted upon it. Just because she hasn't LTB quick enough for you doesn't mean she's dithering.

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Sep-13 15:35:04

Err, no she hasn't Vivacia. The meeting is next week. The decision is not yet made.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 15:38:03

Her decision is to talk about it at the meeting, Lemon hasn't even told us what her decision is. I don't think anyone can expect more.

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Sep-13 15:44:19

Lemon hasn't MADE the decision yet. She doesn't need to tell anyone what it is, even when she HAS made it. I don't really know what you're on about, tbh.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 16:30:32

You said she's dithering, I disagreed.

Alanna1 Sat 07-Sep-13 18:17:35

Is this for real? I've not read all of the above.

Who knows why she was rude. Maybe she struggles with depression or is lonely. Maybe something pulled a trigger. Let she who is without blame throw the first stone. I can be mean sometimes, usually because as the mother of two under two and working FT sometimes my tether is far shorter than it should be and sometimes a day treats you harshly.

She obviously has friends willing to stick up for her. I think that's worth something.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 19:39:31

You cant block someone's application, because you don't like her!!!! I cant believe how many of you think that is ok. That's abuse of your position

you should decline to be part of the process

BoffinMum Sat 07-Sep-13 19:42:25

Liking does not come into it. Acting in the interests if the club's wider membership does.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 07-Sep-13 19:44:53

If you grant her entry to your cheese-rolling club or whatever it is, can it be on a trial basis? If she doesn't behave, kick her out? You would be the bigger person.

RenterNomad Sat 07-Sep-13 20:26:25

It's important to remember that this isn't recruitment of an employee, a process which has to be seen to be transparent and is also subject to various laws; it's a private club, and this woman isn't being discriminated against on some sort of vulnerable minority basis (unless mouthy twats are vulnerable... or a minority... hmm).

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 07-Sep-13 20:27:15

Alanna1 plenty of people have hevay responsibilities, and bad days, and still manage not to be, as the OP put it 'gratuitously rude and insulting'. If you find you can't stop yourself being 'mean' on a regular basis, maybe you should be working on your own attitude instead of lecturing the OP about hers.

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 20:58:07

The title of the thread is;

really annoying person I could get my own back on...but should I?

I dont think OPs motives are to 'protect the club'....she is simply considering wielding her power to teach this rude-woman a lesson, for a slight 2 years ago!!!

We don't even know what the woman did/said to be considered to be so rude, or the context or anything...

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 21:03:09

Boomba

I think that the title of the thread should have been "WIBU to be secretly happy to blackball someone not suitable for our club, as she was a bitch to me?"

I think then no one would have an issue. She should do what is right for the club and I think that blackballing is the way to go on that, especially as the OP has said that the nominee will go apeshit so proving the point. The way she got her cronies involved indicates someone who isnt used to not getting their own way. However, I wouldnt think her U to take secret delight in doing it given their history. The wording is all I think, so yes you have a point, but equally, so does the OP!

MissManaged Sat 07-Sep-13 21:04:17

Ethically - you should probably abstain from the vote.

Realistically - what is voting about if not judging on the suitability of the applicant. You have good reason to not consider the applicant suitable, and only third party word of mouth to say that there has been a substantial character change, so you can justify black-balling.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 21:55:37

Ok, I'm learning. There are clubs which you can only join by being allowed to do so by all of the other members (or is just a committee of senior members)?

I don't think I have ever known anything like this. Is it related to geography or specific sport or something?

Boomba Sat 07-Sep-13 22:04:46

vivacia doesn't sound like the kind of club id like to join. Its like Stepford Wives/Borg type hideousness.

rude lady had a lucky escape probably

BoffinMum Sat 07-Sep-13 22:14:11

Golf club

Bogeyface Sat 07-Sep-13 22:15:21

Nah, tennis club.

MorrisZapp Sat 07-Sep-13 22:19:09

The only clubs I'd ever like to join are the kind where you set up a direct debit then turn up.

Vivacia Sat 07-Sep-13 22:20:21

It's interesting, but I don't think it'd be my cup of tea. Any social thing I've been involved with has been related to sports. You pay your subs and have the normal drama of getting on with some, getting irritated by others and so on.

Fencing club or polo maybes?

Ooh or a rifle club! Don't want to piss off someone with access to guns!

Thumbwitch Sun 08-Sep-13 01:21:00

Vivacia, if you'd read more carefully, I said "IF you're still dithering" to Lemon.
That is not the same as saying "you're still dithering". Well, not in my world anyway.

NotDead Sun 08-Sep-13 03:06:32

yeah, it will upset the universe if once you have the power to be an asshole you don’t use that power to be an asshole hmm

Make the decision as you would with anyone -are tgey going to be a good member.

Making prejudicial decisions because of how you judged a situation when you clearly felt threatened is unserstandable, but not necessarily the best outcome.

Be as professional as you can and judge carefully with the information you have.

As a tip when someone is aggressive to me I reflect that I may have caught them on a day when their partner left them, they lost their job and didn't eat for 6 hours.

Try meeting face to face and talking frankly about your concern s...

Vivacia Sun 08-Sep-13 07:08:56

Apologies thumbwitch I didn't read carefully enough and misinterpreted your post.

Thumbwitch Sun 08-Sep-13 14:47:43

No problem, Vivacia. smile

BadLad Sun 08-Sep-13 16:00:06

I'd black ball her.

Mendeleyev Fri 13-Sep-13 10:57:39

Have you had the meeting? Has she been admitted?

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