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Husband having dinner at Nobu with female friend while I'm at home with kids

(65 Posts)
orangeblosssom Thu 05-Sep-13 23:16:00

Opinions please.
Found out today that husband had dinner at Nobu last Thursday with female friend. To make it worse, we went there for our anniversary last year.
He did tell me was going to a meeting with her but didn't know about the details.
Saw it on her Facebook page.

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 23:19:08

That's nice for him hmm

MsVestibule Thu 05-Sep-13 23:20:42

And...?

cloudskitchen Thu 05-Sep-13 23:21:51

What sort of meeting? Work or personal. If personal were you asked along?

StephenFrySaidSo Thu 05-Sep-13 23:21:54

is there a trust issue? is it because he had a meal out or because it is with a woman or are there money issues or what? what is the issue here?

BrianTheMole Thu 05-Sep-13 23:23:27

Why are you worried? It sounds ok to me, unless theres something else?

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 23:26:10

Of course there is "something else" or OP wouldn't be posting. Are you ok ?

BranchingOut Thu 05-Sep-13 23:26:17

I suppose it is a glam venue, so you would expect it to be somewhere you would take your nearest and dearest...

Or, is she a high-living sort who would have suggested Nobu rather than a pizzeria as a matter of course?

WafflyVersatile Thu 05-Sep-13 23:27:53

What is the actual issue, for you?

It could be any number of things and we can only guess.

Depends who paid I guess? Was your DH using much needed family funds? Was it catch up with a friend or a business deal? Did your DH tell you after?

What do you want from him? Confession? Pay more attention to you?

Humm didn't mention it did he ? Lying by omission

Unexpected Thu 05-Sep-13 23:51:55

What were the circumstances of the meeting? Work/pleasure? Would you have expected it to include dinner? Do you think he actively hid the fact that they went there?

dontyouwantmebaby Fri 06-Sep-13 00:00:47

he mentioned he was meeting his friend but had no clue they were going to this restaurant?

do they normally eat out together when they meet up? if so, that's fair enough that had a meal but...

I'd find it odd that a) he hasn't mentioned to you by now where they'd been (given that it sounds like somewhere special to you both) and b) that he didn't know in advance this is where they'd be going that eve. It must have been booked previously?

don't think I'd like to inadvertently find out via her FB page either angry

if situation were reversed, I wonder how he would feel...

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 06-Sep-13 00:04:09

A 'meeting' puts a very different spin on it to 'going out for dinner'. If I was going out for dinner with a business contact I would mention it to my DH. I have no reason to hide it.

QueenofWhispers Fri 06-Sep-13 00:04:17

Nobu really isn't thaat special. They just have a great PR team. Now if was at clos maggiore I would suspect something.

dontyouwantmebaby Fri 06-Sep-13 00:13:27

yes we all have our own idea of what is special to us, regardless of good PR or not but the point is: if its where OP spent anniversary then it likely does have meaning for her, happy memories, 'their' place etc.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 00:23:26

Oh, fgs

If my H had a meal out a deux at fucking Harvester with a woman and I found put via her FB page I would be hmm

It's a bit shitty to do a braggy restaurant snob post on a relationships thread

B00Radley Fri 06-Sep-13 00:23:41

Newbie here - hi👋- It is odd - but do you not talk as a couple ? If my OH went out for a "meeting" I would ask how it went - where did you go - what did you eat , blah - gueuss I'm chatty . If your OH has meetings all the time then perhaps you wouldn't .
Q -are you on her FB as a friend or did you snoop cos suspicios ( no judgement )

Not sure what to think but hope you are ok ?

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 00:32:32

Op says this was a female friend....not a colleague or business associate

And that she was left holding the babies

That would make me feel like a doormat.

MariaLuna Fri 06-Sep-13 00:43:36

You don't have to feel like a doormat staying home taking care of the kids

while one of you goes out for dinner

as long as it's a two-way street....

orangeblosssom Fri 06-Sep-13 01:04:28

She is a business partner and friend.
My insecurities stem from when they had to stay in a hotel, when my little one was 8 weeks old. I know nothing happened but I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to have a night away at a hotel too.
This hotel stay was a business thing.
My husband has meeting most evenings so we don't talk like we used to before we had our 2 kids.
I didn't ask about their meeting last week, because we've had massive arguments about her and trust issues before.
She is currently trying to divorce her husband but still lives with him.
I know she likes to discuss her marriage problems with my husband.
She's pretty flirtatious but my husband says not with.

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 04:44:28

Sounds like a bummer, Orangeblossom.

Wrt the dinner, I think we'd need additional info. But, perhaps more to the point, it sounds like your marriage is in desperate need of first aid. He's got a lively social life, in which you're not included sad

What are the weekends & holidays like in your family? Does he get that your life seems to have transformed into that of a single parent, while he's off gallivanting? Can you still talk? Do you still fancy him?

CharityFunDay Fri 06-Sep-13 04:48:47

He's got a lively social life, in which you're not included

All the situations described the OP are professional rather than social. It would be pretty fucking weird if he took his wife to business appointments imho.

orangeblosssom Fri 06-Sep-13 05:14:20

It's not so much professional anymore Charityfunday as their business venture finished several months ago. They also have nicknames for each other. Her's is YaYa.
He is around in the weekends to have family time with the kids.
He says it's not about quantity of time but quality of time spent with the family. This means 80% of the weekdays I'm on own in evenings.

converselover Fri 06-Sep-13 07:00:32

The sushi is good though! I met nobu (the man) at nobu tokyo once and he signed one of his cookery books for me. What a nice man he is. Sounds like you need a bit more nice mr nobu and a bit less selfish mr ramsey at home tbh.

Vivacia Fri 06-Sep-13 07:02:46

Well you could tell him that the quality's not good enough for you during the week!

It's difficult to get a handle on what's happening. Was this work or pleasure?

WipsGlitter Fri 06-Sep-13 07:04:46

You sound very insecure. Why the trust issues? Does he have form? I have a male friend and we do things just us but there's nothing in it. We have private jokes. I've known him longer than his wife and sometimes we can share ' a look' because we both find something funny.

Do you work?

bouncyagain Fri 06-Sep-13 07:10:30

I'm a guy. The meal itself - hmm. The pet names, her divorce, her desire to confide in him? Imo if I were doing all that then it would be an affair. I have female friends. I have dinners with just one female friend. I do not go to nobu with them. I do not have pet names for them. Sounds dodgy to me.

Lavenderhoney Fri 06-Sep-13 07:23:27

Have i got this riight?- So their reason for being in contact for business finished a few months ago, they are still in touch, they have nicknames for each other and now they have dinner together at "your" restaurant which was special enough to you for your dh to take you to for your anniversary. This is not a business dinner, as the business reason stopped.

You found out because she posted on her fb- are you a friend of hers on fb?

Its unusual a business person used to going to smart places would post a pic on fb, expecially if its business as its rather unprofessional, to me anyway. How old is she?

He could have met her for lunch and " networked" but he decided a lovely dinner out would be nicer, presumably. He had a chance to say no, lunch is better as I have a family.

Personally I would struggle with being at home alone every night whilst my dh lived it up in London after work. Once a week maybe at a proper event, but not dinner a deux with other women when he should want to be at home with you.

Does he get home late Friday too? Where does he live during the week, does he come home? Or return late Friday?

Quality of time and not quality is bollocks anyway. Does he spend the weeks romancing you and being a great dad? Then disappears for the week again? Is he a bit possessive of his phone?

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 06-Sep-13 07:24:57

It seems to me (I may be wrong so apologies) that your DH is dressing this up as a work relationship when it is anything but.

Even if this had been an evening out with a male friend then pretending it was a meeting would be bad enough.

You must have a lot of questions about the need to at best create confusion about what was happening, the nature of the relationship with this friend and why your DH saw fit to prioritise dinner out over an evening at home.

MidnightHag Fri 06-Sep-13 07:31:53

No helpful advice, OP, but you might want to get MN to remove your post at 5.20 today. DP's friend might be on MN as well as FB,

SPBisResisting Fri 06-Sep-13 07:38:38

What is your main concern about thos op? Do you think they are having an affair? Or about to? Or are you annoyed (rightly so imo) that he gets to have fun, flirty nights out on the premise of business dinners while you wipe bums and read stories?
And why is everyone so snobby these days - on here and in rl. Any opportunity to show off about which restaurants. Are posh enough.

Peanate Fri 06-Sep-13 07:47:46

I'd be meh about this if it were me. Both DH and I dine out at posh restaurants frequently (separately) with members of the opposite sex for work. It's part of our jobs tbh.

Once I had a very long and boozy lunch at Nobu with one other person who happened to be male.

I think your issue sounds like a confidence one, and that you don't trust him.

catsmother Fri 06-Sep-13 07:53:14

I think Lavenderhoney has summed up exactly why I'd feel very uncomfortable and hurt by the circumstances you describe.

I guess it doesn't really matter what the restaurant is - but if it's one that was special enough for a significant event - and he then takes his "friend" there apropos of nothing, it does rather take the shine off things doesn't it ? In addition, if this "friend" warrants such a treat in the middle of the week, why doesn't he organise the same sort of thing for you, e.g. by suggesting a babysitter ? I think I'd feel uneasy and hurt because at best, it'd feel as if in his eyes there wasn't a great deal of difference between us - except she "deserves" a lovely treat for no good reason and I don't.

If there's nothing untoward going on there are plenty of ways to keep in touch with genuine friends without rubbing your wife's nose in it. I hope there's nothing to worry about it but my bullshit radar tells me otherwise. Who on earth would describe catching up with a friend as a meeting FFS ? ..... it's more as if he wants you to think there's a business element to them seeing each other. But that's (probably) crap if their venture finished ages ago.

If you've had past issues about this woman, it might seem as if he's goading you by taking her out to a fancy restaurant ? The kind thing to have done, if it was a genuine business meeting hmm would have been to have discussed why they were meeting up beforehand so you felt reassured - but he didn't do that, sounds like you know nothing of their conversation etc. and furthermore, didn't tell you they were going to a place that had special associations for you.

At best, he's been extremely crass and insensitive IMO - and that's leaving aside the issue of him being absent 80% of evenings, and whether that's really necessary (or is he capitalising on the opportunities to socialise and forego family responsibilities ?). I hope it's nothing more OP (although being secretive, insensitive and oblivious to you being "stuck in" so often isn't good anyway).

ALittleStranger Fri 06-Sep-13 07:59:41

Why are we calling this a "treat" for the other women? Did the OP's husband pay? Personally I don't find the idea of going to fancy restaurants with friends that unusual. But the OP clearly does. Is that the problem, her husband gets to live a fun Nobu single life out of the home and she's stuck at home with an Asda lifestyle?

I would find your set-up intolerable, even before the female friend comes into the equation. How often do you get to spend evenings out with your friends, are restaurants just a "treat" for special days now?

What catsmother wrote.

He seems to be acting as the knight in shining armour to this woman as well if she is indeed talking to him about her marital problems. They seem to be drawing each other into their worlds and I would be very worried too as being both fed up and angry with him. This has all the hallmarks actually of an emotional affair due to the secrecy, all his emotional energies are being poured onto her. From what you write also it can be inferred that you had no prior knowledge at all of this dinner last Thursday.

When you state that you've had rows before with H over this woman, has he called you paranoid and stating over and over that nothing has happened?.

Lazyjaney Fri 06-Sep-13 08:07:39

Is that the problem, her husband gets to live a fun Nobu single life out of the home and she's stuck at home with an Asda lifestyle

That was my impression too.

"Dining for work" is fairly common, and it's typically on expenses - it's what keeps these overpriced, underwhelming signature restaurants going. One of the flipsides of women increasingly moving into senior roles is more and more of these will be between people of opposite sex.

RhondaJean Fri 06-Sep-13 08:10:39

I wouldn't be arsed at dh having dinner with a female friend ( actually I lie terribly there, I'd be jealous as hell because I love eating out!) but the rest doesn't feel right.

What would bother me about THIS meal out is that it's a restaurant he felt was special enough to book for an anniversary meal but then he went for a "casual" night out. Either there's more to it than a casual night or it wasn't that special to start with - whichever I choose it devalues me doesn't it?

Bitrustyandbusty Fri 06-Sep-13 08:20:23

Sorry but I think there is more to this than not telling you about dinner. Nicknames and ample time to see her, should he so wish. Hope for the best but prepare your self for the worst OP.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 08:30:11

This wasn't a work dinner

People really should rtft

WorrySighWorrySigh Fri 06-Sep-13 08:33:44

It sounds to me like a bit of a showy-offy ego stroke for him. Fancy 'special' restaurant he took DW to for anniversary, nicknames, silly comments about quality rather than quantity family time. All of this is about showing off to this other woman.

The thing is that it isnt many steps from an ego stroke to something rather more. Of course he will think that he is immune, that he is too clever for that. He isnt. It is all too easy to go from ego stroke to affair to sad bloke in a bed sit taking his kids to MacDonalds on a Sunday.

nocarsgo Fri 06-Sep-13 08:36:47

I agree it wasn't a work dinner. And, crucially, the OP's husband didn't tell her about it. That speaks volumes.

As for the pet names...

ageofgrandillusion Fri 06-Sep-13 08:36:49

He sounds like a knob. YaYa? Fucking YaYa???? You can just bet he thinks he's really clever for coming up with that name. If he's not shagging her yet, he soon will be. Him and fucking yaya are having a right old laugh while your're sat at home. What does this woman look like OP? Is she pretty?

Whocansay Fri 06-Sep-13 08:41:32

This sounds like it could be an emotional affair to me. They have no reason to keep in touch.

I would be very hurt if my dh took another woman for dinner at a fancy restaurant (although this may be a bigger deal for me as when we go out it tends to be cheap and cheerful, the cost may not be an issue here). The fact that you went there for your anniversary suggests its a bit special. A 'catch up' is usually lunch. I would feel happier if they went Dutch or it was paid for on expenses though.

I wouldn't be happy about them sharing a hotel room either, tbh. The nicknames thing is just wrong.

You need to have a chat with him about why he kept this a secret. And ask him why he feels you do not need support during the week.

ivykaty44 Fri 06-Sep-13 08:44:32

opinion

I would be very angry at this type of behaviour

EeyoreIsh Fri 06-Sep-13 08:52:04

I would be really unhappy about this.

First, he lied about having a business meeting when he was in fact at a social event. If DH went out for dinner whilst I was at home, without having invited me, I would be livid.

Secondly, it was a dinner at a nice restaurant that means something to you as a couple, without telling you. The real issue for me here would be that he didn't tell you where he was. He is lying by omission.

The fact that the ow is getting divorced, and they have nicknames for each other, could either be innocuous or indicative of an inappropriate relationship.

OP, what does 'she is trying to divorce' mean exactly. As in what is she saying to your DH, or rather what is he saying to you about it?

MairzyDoats Fri 06-Sep-13 08:58:35

The thing that struck me is that you're stuck at home every night without support while he has business meetings - but on an evening when he could be at home with you, he's meeting a female friend socially. In which case, why make it something flashy, and why not invite you along?

AbiRoad Fri 06-Sep-13 09:01:58

If it makes you feel better, I think yaya may be a pet version of grandmother in Spanish.

Blu Fri 06-Sep-13 09:46:58

OP, he may or may not be in an affair, or it may be that that is what she has in mind and he thinks he is simply being a friend and is crassly oblivious as to why you have issues around it. However, he is definitely not pulling his supportive weight as a family member I have friends who work in a largely male city environment and they tell me they routinely 'have to' stay late until the humdrum work of bedtime with kids is over and they can roll in to a glass of wine. If he is usually out in the evenings he could have taken the chance to do some parenting.

It sounds as if you could do with weta calm assertive discussion about your relationship as a whole, teamwork, him understanding the sheer lonely quantity that parenting can be, and a discussion about his behaviour and trust wrt to this woman .

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 11:19:00

Charity, you're wrong about this dinner, but you'd missed my point anyway. When somebody's going out to lovely restaurants, theatres, whatever, the fact that it's all on expenses doesn't stop it being a social life. That's the whole purpose of business entertainment - to have a good time and forge close relationships.

It's a bit tough when one partner has this and the other's at home.

OctopusPete8 Fri 06-Sep-13 11:25:21

So she's single again, & likes to discuss her marriage with your H, spent a night in a hotel together, Is flirty?

No I wouldn't like it. How is she with you?

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:46:00

This sort of thing absolutely used to get me too, Orange.

So you have my sympathy!

I must say that unfortunately for me it was indicative of a wider attitude.

IIWY I would give him a calm, clear and deadly warning that you will not tolerate cheating or any other sign being taken for granted as a domestic entity and could he bear this in mind, because if he shows you continued disrespect he can gaze in YaYa's eyes for the rest of his life.

PLEASE book 10 day's holiday of his leave, and he can be a SAHM whilst you fuck off on your own.

I have really really had it burned into me that all the time we go along with/tolerate being taken for granted, we are in fact agreeing with it and setting ourselves up.

Please believe me on this one!

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 11:55:07

Agree with AF, could people please rtft.

This is not good:

"She is a business partner and friend.
My insecurities stem from when they had to stay in a hotel, when my little one was 8 weeks old. I know nothing happened but I couldn't help but think that I would have loved to have a night away at a hotel too.
This hotel stay was a business thing.
My husband has meeting most evenings so we don't talk like we used to before we had our 2 kids.
I didn't ask about their meeting last week, because we've had massive arguments about her and trust issues before.
She is currently trying to divorce her husband but still lives with him.
I know she likes to discuss her marriage problems with my husband.
She's pretty flirtatious but my husband says not with."

Your husband is lying about the flirtatious.

You need to Have a Talk outlined in my suggestion above. Calm and deadly OP. He needs to be warned NOW. You could shock him out of the slippery slope.

And, YaYa if you are reading? Get ahold of yourself, woman. Divorce the twat, work out why it went wrong and find someone who is NOT MARRIED for the attention you crave.

garlicbargain Fri 06-Sep-13 11:55:49

Good advice, wobbly, imo.

AuntieStella Fri 06-Sep-13 12:01:26

"D"H is meeting a woman he knows from work in secret, in circumstances that look like a date, and admits they spend the time talking about her emotional life?

You don't have "trust issues", OP, you have a husband who is behaing like a shit and expecting you to put up with it.

lunar1 Fri 06-Sep-13 12:03:56

I wouldn't be happy about this, why does he need to be out every night leaving you alone with the children? The relationship crosses a line really and is too intimate.

Pipparivers Fri 06-Sep-13 12:15:03

Your H sounds like a dick but im not sure the woman is a problem. One of my best friends is a man, when I was married there was no problem. Within weeks of my marriage breakdown my friends wife started to obviously feel uncomfortable with him and I spending anytime together. I feel deeply hurt that someone thinks that because I am divorced that I am going to become a home wrecking whore! We no longer have a meaningful friendship because he obviously and rightly needs to protect his family. And that means not seeing me because it makes his wife feel insecure. I no longer have my exh or my best friend and it hurts. Cut her some slack.

MarshaBrady Fri 06-Sep-13 12:19:07

Nope I would not like this either.

I don't blame you op.

elastamum Fri 06-Sep-13 12:24:41

I think you are right to be worried.

My exH had a 'friend' like this one. They used to work together and travelled together a lot. I didnt like her as she was all over him and usually blanked me. He always told me I was being silly and there was nothing in it. A year after we divorced he married her hmm (they are now divorced though)

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 12:34:40

'You don't have "trust issues", OP, you have a husband who is behaing like a shit and expecting you to put up with it.'

3 cheers for Auntie Stella, for nailing it!! Follow your wise inner voice OP, it is telling you you are unhappy for a REASON. Your H is on the Shirley Glass slippery slope, and a timely intervention could shock him. Tonight? You need to ask for his phone. Do you have Ya Ya's mobile phone no? Key it in because sadly it might be under Mike Brown in the contacts.

Trust issues. Sheesh, sadly you can really tell the posters who have never been taken for granted/betrayed, from the counsellors/people who have and can spot it in nanoseconds.

mignonette Fri 06-Sep-13 12:39:55

YaYa as in 'Get your YaYa's out'? How naff.

Time to have a little talk w/ her I think and reinforce some boundaries. And state quite clearly that you wish her to find another agony aunt.

As for DH, we were given instinct for a good reason and in my experience, ignoring them leads to problems. Deal w/ this now and make it clear to him that contact w/ her outside of strictly work is over. If he has issues w/ this that should tell you a lot. It is not about your 'unreasonable jealousy' as he might try to frame it but about him not wanting to burden you w/ worry and insecurity.

When you truly love and respect somebody, you go out of your way to not hurt them.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 06-Sep-13 12:41:28

I would not find what your H did at all acceptable and I have no reason whatsoever not to trust him.

DH tells me if he (very rarely) meets any of his female colleagues/ex-colleagues for lunch. He wouldn't dream in a million years of going out for dinner to a swanky restaurant with one, nor for that matter, would I go out with a male colleague/friend.

Oh and his quality over quantity family time, complete bollocks sprouted by some blokes to get out of the tedious aspects of child care.

MarshaBrady Fri 06-Sep-13 12:42:06

I agree. And I don't think it's even at a cheating issue thing here.

It's more that you don't do this stuff and make your dh or dw feel awful.

Dh goes out all the time to swish places and I don't particularly think he is untrustworthy, but I still wouldn't be happy for all the reasons you mention op.

And it would further annoy me if it was put down to insecurity.

QueenofallIsee Fri 06-Sep-13 14:14:53

YaYa?? What a douche bag

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