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Why does DH get stalked?

(114 Posts)
Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 19:53:54

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

JustBecauseICan Wed 04-Sep-13 19:55:45

And is it dh who tells you about all his stalkers?

notanyanymore Wed 04-Sep-13 19:56:36

Does he attract deranged people or lead them on?

Hoseason Wed 04-Sep-13 19:58:05

It sounds unlikely


peachypips Wed 04-Sep-13 20:01:28

Weird. Nothing helpful to add!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:01:29

Yes to me it sounds unlikely. I mean, we've all broken a few hearts (I think I have??!) but no one has ever really gone out of their way to be obsessed with me!

Well the ex turning up and the letter from the friend Ive met and the woman befriending me in the coffee shop were all external events that he couldn't have staged unless he hired actors. So they are real things that happened.

One thing about Dh is that he always used to date women where there was quite a big gap between their socio-economic status and his. DH is a banker, and his exes are cleaners, hairdressers etc, usually from Eastern Europe or India, so not at home in the country and quite reliant on DH. Maybe that's it?

I pressed send before I'd typed, sorry!
I was just going to say I don't think there are 'qualities that make someone be stalked'. I think it's the stalker that's the common denominator. But I can't explan why your H would have a history of attracting them.
It all sounds very odd.

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:02:39

No herdyherdwick I am not a troll!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:03:04

oh cross post, SORRY back!


AnneUulmelmahay Wed 04-Sep-13 20:04:32

Oh dear me, all sounds terribly awks

I think your latest post explains it! He seems to have a habit of wanting women who "need" him, if you court that kind of dynamic it'll be more likely.

Hoseason Wed 04-Sep-13 20:07:11

I would assume he had lied to them about his commitment to them?

why did he always date those types of women? It sounds like he wants to be controlling/ dominant?

Lizzylou Wed 04-Sep-13 20:11:27

From your op I thought it was huge dick or huge bank balance.
So I think we have it.

lunar1 Wed 04-Sep-13 20:12:55

Dh attracts them too. They are not exs more like groupies! When we first got together I had to call the police as one of them threatened me.

We we t through a phase of getting cold calls in the night.

Two weeks ago a woman asked him to have an affair.

There have been loads of instances. It's really odd, obviously I love him but I can't understand the stalkerish behaviour. My friend think its his job that attracts them.

I'm old, OP and have old gimmers doddery fingers over which I have little control sometimes grin.
How long have you two been married?

queenofthepirates Wed 04-Sep-13 20:15:44

I'd advise not jumping to too many conclusions, I've had three major stalkers, two of whom I have never been involved with in any way. One went to court and another meant I had to change my phone number. The one who went to court stalked me as I went into labour with my daughter he was so deranged. He even threatened to visit me whilst in labour. Not unsurprisingly, utterly terrifying.

I don't know why I get them. It's a massive pain and not something I relish. I don't encourage it or respond to it.

Some people just get stalked and it's rotten and miserable. Your DH has my sympathy.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 04-Sep-13 20:19:31

My DH gets regularly practically mounted in the pub by a couple of exes who run at him and screech his name and throw their arms round his neck etc. Just put it down to him being a really nice friendly fella and 'the one that got away' for one in particular.
I just do my best biscuit face and ignore or start chatting to one of his mates or go to the loo or the bar or whatever.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:20:15

He sounds like a bit of a one. TBH, I'd have dumped him in the dating stage once I found out about his groupies and yes, I'm one of those from the lower end of the socioeconomic gap. I would have just assumed someone like that was interested in using me and anyone with groupies is usually very bad news.

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:26

lunar1 and bahhhhhumbug I'm glad you understand. It's not also the socio-economic mismatch of his exes, it's also that I think DH has been out with a range of women. Some have not been conventionally attractive, some have been super attractive, some have been bankers, some have been cleaners. he is not the man who has a type and dates within that type.

I think people who accept others or accept variety also have a tendency to get stalked.

Dh and I have been married for a couple of years.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:50

yeah, they are after his money - you lucky lucky thing you hmm I have been a cleaner and im pretty skint, maybe i'll look him up!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:54

lunar1 is your husband also in finance? Do you think this happens to people in finance?

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:25:31

yes groupies is a good word for it. Even his female friends have this sense of ownership over him - like I have stolen him from them.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 04-Sep-13 20:26:43

I had an ex that was a bit like this (although not quite as extreme).

It wasn't just women who fancied him, either. He had a few male "friends" that had sort of man-friend crushes on him.

I think some of it was that he was a very affable nice fellow.

But there also seemed to be something that I could never quite identify. As though he put out some kind of pheromone that attracted the needy (and slightly deranged).

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:27:00

'I think people who accept others or accept variety also have a tendency to get stalked.'

That's a crock of it. I've been out with people from all walks of life, colours, creeds, you name it. Never been stalked.

Sounds like an egomaniac who likes having groupies, tbh.

I couldn't be arsed with someone like that, and like, LEM, I'm some low-life.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 04-Sep-13 20:27:30

oh it happens all the time trunktops - us lowly women just can't believe our luck when we bag ourselves a rich man, we are bound to get a bit obsessive when someone so much better than us deigns to pay us some attention. Does he drive a nice car? Only i do like a nice car.

He must be getting some sort of emotional benefit from all the drama. Leave him. I could not be with a man who kept leading people on to this extent.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 04-Sep-13 20:28:45

oi expat - who you calling a low life! wink

Personally i just think that this guy has fucked his way throught lots of women so by the law of averages, you are going to pick up a few stalkers along the way!

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:31:57

'Personally i just think that this guy has fucked his way throught lots of women so by the law of averages, you are going to pick up a few stalkers along the way!'

Snap, LEM grin.

And what Quint said.

I had a few who had groupies/stalkers (ALL ex-shags, never some random) in my time, who were always very open about it - 'Just being honest, of course,' 'Keeping you in the loop,' etc. - and there was always something not entirely trustworthy about any of them.

And some of them were actually even sparks, joiners and construction workers, too! shock.

Jewelledkaleidoscope Wed 04-Sep-13 20:33:19

I would think he's probably not treated them very well, in all honesty

WafflyVersatile Wed 04-Sep-13 20:33:49

I have a friend who went out with a string of possessive, jealous men. I came to the conclusion that there was an element of this sort of behaviour that was attractive to her (in the beginning at least) for reasons that I won't go into here.

Maybe there is something that your husband finds attractive that often has stalkerish behaviour as a flip side to it?

'Personally i just think that this guy has fucked his way throught lots of women so by the law of averages, you are going to pick up a few stalkers along the way!'


expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:35:39

Yes, the ol' 'She needed my cock so much she couldn't get enough.' Hmm, as my male friend pointed out, 'There are about 3bn of those in the world, love, just go and find another one.'

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 04-Sep-13 20:37:07

"And some of them were actually even sparks, joiners and construction workers, too!"



expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:40:09

I was once pulled by a sexy call-centre worker, Join, whom I literally ran into - he was coming out of his block and I was in floods of tears after an argument with an on/off sort of boyfriend - who used the immortal line, 'The best way to get over a man is to get under another. May I buy you a drink?'

I liked the cut of his jibe, and there was a bar right across the street grin.

WayHarshTai Wed 04-Sep-13 20:40:36

What's your socio-economic background then Trunk me ol' mucka?

nenevomito Wed 04-Sep-13 20:41:36

my ex used to have a couple of stalkers. Turned out he was fucking them behind my back.

nenevomito Wed 04-Sep-13 20:42:27

Remember when one of them came to the front door as well. He told me she was obsessive. I believed him right up until I discovered that I had an STD he'd got from her. Just sayin like.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:44:14

'my ex used to have a couple of stalkers. Turned out he was fucking them behind my back.'

I've had that happen to me, too. Months after showing me his legal separation papers, she just came back into his life and was causing problems.


She'd moved back in with him and he was fucking both of us.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 04-Sep-13 20:46:58

Why has he not changed his mobile number since the restraining order? I don't understand why this (latest) woman still has it. Or why any of the others still have contact with him/you both.

ImperialBlether Wed 04-Sep-13 20:47:51

I think some people are being very cruel to the OP. Huge assumptions are being made.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:49:58

Like what? As snazzy pointed out, wouldn't the logical thing to do be to get restraining orders/block/change details?

IME, there is indeed a certain type of person who has many ex's 'stalking' him/her, and it's not a good one.

nenevomito Wed 04-Sep-13 20:50:16

Well, Imperial - either this man is exceptionally unlucky to have repeatedly chosen women who then go on to stalk him or he has done something to prompt it.

One stalker - nasty, creepy and scary.

Many stalkers - well either there's something wrong with a lot of people, or you look to the common denominator.

DukeSilver Wed 04-Sep-13 20:54:40

My first though on reading the OP was that the common factor in all these cases is your DH, so I would be looking at his behavior and seeing if there is anything he has done/is doing (intentionally or unintentionally) that is causing these women to behave in this way towards him.

Ezio Wed 04-Sep-13 20:55:07

Is your husband Christian Grey?

Ezio Wed 04-Sep-13 20:56:05

Also i suspect he probably didnt have much commitment towards them, then married you, they are probably wondering whats so special about you.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Wed 04-Sep-13 20:56:21

Aww - he sounds like a right prize, this wanker of yours grin

Onebuddhaisnotenough Wed 04-Sep-13 20:56:56

Ohhhhh my AWFUL typo! I did of course mean BANKER.....

Ezio Wed 04-Sep-13 20:57:58

One How very careless of you...

dontbelievehim Wed 04-Sep-13 21:01:05

I have an ex; 2 weeks after meeting him we were walking through town and he pointed out a woman and a child, and said "that's my ex and my son; she's nuts".

He became violent towards me and when I called the police and got him arrested, he fled to a female 'friend' and moved in with her...this is a woman he had been 'friends' with the whole 2 years we were together, and he never told her we were together. Once he was living with her, he called me "a crazy stalker".

When we were on a break for a few weeks, he shagged some woman he knows a few times...when he was back living with me after the break she turned up on our doorstep and told me everything - guess what? According to him, she was "nuts" and "obsessed".

He got another woman pregnant 2 years ago - reckons she lied about being on the pill to trap him into getting pregnant. And she's "nuts".

Get the picture...?

nenevomito Wed 04-Sep-13 21:03:58

yy dontbelievehim.

My ex used to be married to a fucked up psycho. Then when we broke up, he told his new girlfriend that I was a fucked up psycho. Apparently his next girlfriend was a fucked up psycho as well.

How unlucky he attracted all of those fucked up psychos sad

scrazy Wed 04-Sep-13 21:07:36

Sounds like he's led a few people on in the past, maybe the saw him as their saviour and thought they had a friend for life.

I know someone like this. He's mature, single and quite a catch or so it seems at first. He has women friends who go all psycho on him. He is charming and attentive but a complete narc when you scratch the surface. I've ditch him.

I'm not meaning your DH is like this now but he might have been in the past.

lunar1 Wed 04-Sep-13 21:07:54

Dh not a banker, he's a doctor.

Ezio Wed 04-Sep-13 21:10:28

Beware a man who slags off every ex hes ever had.

congresstart Wed 04-Sep-13 21:10:29

I have to agree with expat, babyheave and dontbelievehim on this one.

Lizzylou Wed 04-Sep-13 21:14:00

Do you think he didn't properly end these relationships? Sort of kept them hanging, gave them false hope? Do you think if he had been firmer that they would have got the message before?
Is he a flirt with other women, bit of a ladies man? You mentioned one of the stalkers was a friend who just turned up, what was he like with her before that?

EasyMark Wed 04-Sep-13 21:19:41

What does dh say is the reason?

Yes, I think EasyMark is asking the pertinent question. Why does he think he's getting stalked?

zeprocrastinator Wed 04-Sep-13 21:34:34

Wow, the posts on this thread are absolutely horrendous. Did any of you think how the OP might feel to have her husband spoken about like this? This is grim shock She is actually describing behaviour she has witnessed and been on the receiving end of herself. Nowhere does she say that her DH has described any of these women nastily or called them 'nuts' or anything like that.

^One stalker - nasty, creepy and scary.
Many stalkers - well either there's something wrong with a lot of people, or you look to the common denominator.^
babyheave Do you think like that about women who are stalked, raped or abused more than once too?

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:44:40

I'm with LEM and expat

You really think that people who 'accept variety' are prone to being stalked??? WTF does that even mean. That people with unskilled jobs and forriners need to be accepted? You think Bankers attract stalkers because of their jobs??

This thread has caused me irrational anger

I think OP enjoys the attention her husband gets, and that he is 'hers' actually zepro

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:45:41

and yes, women who are repeatedly abused do/are advised to look at their own behaviours

JaceyBee Wed 04-Sep-13 21:56:27

I can certainly see how a doctor would attract this kind of attention but not a banker?? Still, each to their own I guess! It does sound very unusual and must be a massive pita!

Lilly3000 Wed 04-Sep-13 21:56:38

To be fair my husband has a weird effect on some women. Don't see it myself smile but they can get very possessive and actually aggressive towards me, as if my wedding ring is an irritating obstruction. Sad to say that after many years it culminated in an affair with a particularly persistent one who pressed all the right buttons at the wrong time. His responsibility of course and although he regrets it bitterly, I won't be making excuses for him.
Judgey pants aside, 2 years on we are much better now and he's been able to look at why some women get fixated so quickly. It would seem that he didn't make it VERY clear that he wasn't interested right at the beginning and they were all looking for a saviour. He's an odd combination of distant and intimate and certain people see it as a green light. It's not as simple as flirting as he's possibly the worst flirter in the world. He's one of those borderline-autistic sciencey types. Over the last couple of years he's learnt to change his body language and bring the shutters down around our marriage. Nobody else gets in, no exceptions. This has had to be a conscious decision. Since learning how to do this he doesn't get bothered any more. perhaps your DH could try this OP.

Kormachameleon Wed 04-Sep-13 21:57:04

You say "One thing about Dh is that he always used to date women where there was quite a big gap between their socio-economic status and his. DH is a banker, and his exes are cleaners, hairdressers etc, usually from Eastern Europe or India, so not at home in the country and quite reliant on DH."
And then go on to say " it's also that I think DH has been out with a range of women. Some have not been conventionally attractive, some have been super attractive, some have been bankers, some have been cleaners. he is not the man who has a type and dates within that type.

So which is it ???
Personally I think your DH has probably preyed on vulnerable women and possible has some control issues.

Lizzabadger Wed 04-Sep-13 22:01:46

Sorry but for me this would be a bit of a red flag about your husband.

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 22:02:23

korma yes, i thought OP had contradicted herself, but couldnt be arsed to go back and check

I agree with what you say

piratecat Wed 04-Sep-13 22:06:22

op what does your dh say about it?

were they all exclusive relationships, are these women ex's whose relationships with your dh ended with them being let down, or treated unfairly or something?

piratecat Wed 04-Sep-13 22:07:38

i think what she means is is that he's been out with both 'sets' of people, ones on his own level, then the other ones wink

LoopThePoop Wed 04-Sep-13 22:19:23

Oooooh, I do think OP may be the 'nuts' one soon.

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 22:20:26

Ok, I know it is bad form to bring things from other threads; but I've just looked at your other thread OP and wonder if the 2 things are connected in some way?

Are you feeling insecure about your relationship?

I think it would be helpful to hear how these stalking incidents came about/how you heard about them?

for example, how did an 'ex-shag' of your DH, get your email address to be sending you style tips for your wedding? IS she a stylist? Why didn't you block her?

Do you know that these 'ex-shags' are actually his Xs?? It would all be very innocent, if that part wasn't actually true...e.g. if a friend turns up on your doorstep crying and upset because they had split with their boyfriend, and wanted to stay the night. It would seem as if you were affecting the friendship, if you were the reason she couldn't stay over

substitute this assumption into all the works, apart from the letter

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Sep-13 22:24:41

The common denominator is your ex!

Why would he deliberately go for women much lower on the socio-economic scale than him, and not a mixture of women from different backgrounds? What does that tell you about him? Is he leading them on/leaving them with hope, in case he wishes to resume?

Honestly I don't think this reflects well on your DH.

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Sep-13 22:25:13

I am so sorry! I didn't mean to say your ex, but your DH! Sorry! Very tired tonight.

zeprocrastinator Thu 05-Sep-13 00:23:22

boomba Sure, people who repeatedly find themselves in abusive relationships are advised to find out if there are underlying reasons for choosing abusers - but it is victim blaming to suggest it is their fault. And the OP is on here wondering if there is a reason why and she has got a lot of unpleasantness.

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 07:30:45

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:45:41

"and yes, women who are repeatedly abused do/are advised to look at their own behaviour."

Words fail me.

LessMissAbs Thu 05-Sep-13 08:15:40

Theres a case going through the Scottish courts write now involving an MSP who claims he in defence to various assault and rape charges, that he has been assaulted over the years by these various women at different times and places and was acting in self defence.

You choose which version you believe. You know, what is credible in the normal, sensible adult, and what is not. He has now been convicted.

Bogeyface Thu 05-Sep-13 08:30:26

yes groupies is a good word for it. Even his female friends have this sense of ownership over him - like I have stolen him from them.

Just wanted to bring this up again, have none of you seen the crap that has been peddled by Simon Cowells groupies since he got his GF/Bestmates wife pregnant? Sinita saying "It should have been me!" another saying how they dont like her? They are acting as if they own him and she is has stolen him from under their noses. I would NOT be that woman for all of his money, they will make her life hell.

If you are a "collector" as SC is then this is a risk. H is the sort of person who never really let go of exes, most of them were his friends after they split up. Or so he said. Actually they were his fall back, and this led to a situation where more than a couple of them were incensed when he married me.

I would be inclined to think that yes, these women did behave in that way as it is not dissimilar to what I got after H and I got married, but that there is obviously something in his behaviour that makes this more likely. I would be inclined to believe that he has allowed them to hang on thinking "maybe one day....." rather than spell it out that they are over.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous Thu 05-Sep-13 08:40:59

I have a friend who attracts nutters. She has had it all. Love letters, poetry, cyber stalking, gifts, proposals, needed to get restraining orders, people who have moved continent for the sole reason they couldnt bare being around her if they couldnt have her, men that will do anything for her even if she is not seeing them.

Most have been attractive and rich! I have never knownanything like it. Men just fall head over heels in love with her.

StainlessSteelBegonia Thu 05-Sep-13 08:44:22

Genuine stalkers are really scary. My BIL had a stalker just before he married DSIL, and it was very upsetting for them both. Fortunately legal action was effective and they haven't heard from her in years.

Contrast this to an ex-bf of a friend of mine. He was stalked by LOADS of women when he was with her. It was all so dramatic, and he was always telling my friend how great she was and how unhappy all his crazy stalkers made him. Women used to sneer at her when she was out on the street, or turn up weeping on their doorstep. As with other stories on here, it turned out he had them all on the go so the reason why they were "stalking" him was because they all genuinely believed they had something going on with him, and they all hated her because they thought she was a psycho who wouldn't let him go.

OP, I don't know enough about your situation to know what's going on with your DH. But a good point was made above: one stalker is a problem, but many stalkers may suggest something is a little off. Your DH may have some fairly innocent boundary issues and be inadvertently choosing to lead on some needy personalities, or there could be something more nefarious at play.

Keep an open mind. Ask questions!

expatinscotland Thu 05-Sep-13 08:50:13

A collector, yes, that's it. It's not a pleasant trait.

Boomba Thu 05-Sep-13 09:51:05

missatrawberry im not sure specifically what you are implying by your exasperated post. I am one of those women, ergo i know lots of women who have been abused. Its an important part of recovery, to examine your own personality and explore why you end up with these men

congresstart Thu 05-Sep-13 12:40:14

Bogeyface makes a great point actually...maybe he is allowing them to believe that one day they will have him

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 13:00:33

What I am "implying" is that it is disgraceful for someone who has been abused to be told to examine their behaviour. Do you feel that someone who has been raped should examine her behaviour r is it "just" people who have been hit?

nenevomito Thu 05-Sep-13 13:20:37

MissStrawberry, are you being deliberately obtuse?

Some women go from one abusive relationship to another. This doesn't mean that they deserve to be abused, or brought the abuse on themselves or that its OK for their partners to abuse them in any way shape or form.

Usually there is an underlying reason as to why they may be continually be attracted to men who are abusive. It may be down to Low self-esteem or that they get self-worth by a partner being jealous. If they can understand those reasons then they have a better chance of having a healthy relationship with someone who isn't an abuser.

I was in an abusive relationship. At the end of it I did have to ask myself why I ignored the red flags - like the women who kept on coming around to the house, like putting up with him putting me down, like him being a cunt in so many other ways. I had to do that to make sure I recognised what was going on and get myself out of it.

It didn't mean that I deserved to be abused, but it did make me want to know why I didn't leave sooner.

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 13:41:59

No, not being obtuse at all. I read one sentence and commented on it. Since then various people have elaborated and changed the meaning in that one sentence.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 05-Sep-13 13:44:01

yes Babyheave and l would add also why the abusive types are attracted to that particular victim who has been abused by a string of partners. In my case l was very lacking in confidence/self esteem etc. and abusers see this as an opportunity l think. So just by simply learning to be more assertive and to feel better about ourselves we can sometimes turn off that 'psycho magnet'.

nenevomito Thu 05-Sep-13 13:44:21

Which is why you commented after reading them? So you were being deliberate. Hey ho.

QueenofallIsee Thu 05-Sep-13 13:45:23

Its possible that your DH, before he was ready to settle down, was actually attracted to a vunerable quality in people. Perhaps he had a fear of commitment or maybe he had a bit if a need to 'save' people.

Same principle that before I met my very nice fella, I had a series of bf's who were emotional fuckwits and that was their main commonality!

Nothing to be ashamed of & its just a suggestion

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 13:49:22

Babyheave - I am not having that. I was commenting on ONE sentence and that alone. The further comments were not there then so obviously I could not comment on something that wasn't there. You and the other one has taken exception to what I wrote and elaborated and imo changed the meaning of the original comment. I am not commenting on your further posts other than to say I won't be criticised for something I haven't done.

Boomba Thu 05-Sep-13 14:25:02

It was my 'one comment' and the 'original meaning' remains unchanged. Maybe you misunderstood it, though

Bogeyface Thu 05-Sep-13 14:29:53

Actually MissStrawberry, when the comment about self examination was fully explained you continued to imply that Boomba is a rape apologist!

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 14:51:39

Well then we will have to agree to disagree as I don't agree.

lunar1 Thu 05-Sep-13 15:04:51

I kind of regret posting that dh attracts stalkers seeing how the thread has gone!

He never dated any of his. I have said to him before he can come across as over friendly/flirty. Not in a way that would make someone uncomfortable but something about him makes People trust him. They need too, he's a dr, I wonder if that's part of it.

He also doesn't read people well at all, someone can flirt outrageously with him and he doesn't see it. It can look like he is leadin someone on as they are flirting and he's being his usual self and not giving any signals back that he's not interested. He doesn't encourage it but doesn't discourage it either.

stepmooster Thu 05-Sep-13 15:17:26

My BIL has a few crazy exes. He too is in finance, a bit too nice for his own good, paying off debts and expensive presents right from day one. He also has that air of vulnerability about him, which some women love (they mothered him a bit) and I can't stand. I always thought that BIL behaviour could be seen to be misleading from a female perspective, I.e. He just whisked me away for an expensive weekend therefore he must love me. I've also tried to explain this to one of my uni friends who also collects these kind of women with similar behaviour and then moans about it afterwards.

BIL is now in a committed relationship with someone who is more of an equal, doesn't mother him etc and they are happy. BIl has told DH that a few exes are always trying to make contact and get him to change his mind. One I understand is quite unhinged.

Perhaps this is the reason?

BalloonSlayer Thu 05-Sep-13 17:17:27

My Ex-H had some female friends who were a bit funny with me - wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look me in the eye. (And before you say I'm probably just horrible, two of them I had never even spoken to . . . I never got the chance - they just wouldn't make eye contact and scurried off. It definitely wasn't me! grin ) He said, of all of them, that they had made a pass at him that he had declined. One of them was married with 4 kids!

With the benefit of hindsight, I now believe he had shagged them all and led them to believe that a relationship was possible, somehow kept them dangling on a string. All the time while declaring undying love to me. hmm

Your post reminds me of that time in my life, OP.

You know that some of these are exes. I don't think they know they are exes. He has said something or done something to make them think it is not over. I suspect that something is a shag whenever he is in town. Sorry.

You have to look for the common denominator and sorry to have to say it but normal blokes, even Brad Pitt, don't get stalked by every ex. They just don't. He must be doing something to make this happen.

Ezio Thu 05-Sep-13 17:25:34

Balloon, has a very valid point, at some point you gotta ask, is it him.

Viviennemary Thu 05-Sep-13 17:33:03

I think a lot of men think they are irresistible to women. But often the reality is quite different.

Bogeyface Thu 05-Sep-13 18:41:08

What Balloon said about friends who wont catch your eye reminded me of something.

When we had been together about 3 months he met an old female friend for lunch, I knew about it, nothing dodgy. But when they came to meet me for a drink afterwards she wouldnt look me in the eye, only spoke to me when I spoke to her and at one point moved her chair so her back was to me and she was facing him. I wasnt very happy but let it go, H thought it was odd. Then we worked a beer festival which she came to with her partner. She totally blanked me even when I was standing next to him and said hello and then tried to monopolise him all afternoon. The filthy "up and down, you piece of shit" look she gave me when he announced our engagement that day was the nail in the coffin and he hasnt spoken to her since, got rid on FB etc.

But 7 years later she still messages him from time to time saying things like "Arent we friends anymore?" "Why dont you ring me anymore?" and the odd one that acts like nothing has happened asking him out for a drink and pointedly not inviting me "I thought we could meet for lunch like we used to, just you and me"

I know for a fact that they never slept together but she had a major thing about him for years, he never saw her that way. I know this because I am friends with her ex boss who told me about this once she wasnt her boss anymore and wasnt breaking any rules. She told me because the ex friend once said that she was determined to break me and him and get him for herself "no matter what it takes". Fucking weirdo!

We havent blocked her on FB because I like to see when she gets in touch. Sometimes it really is innocent, because when he cheated on me with "friends" aka exes, it wasnt her grin

lemonstartree Thu 05-Sep-13 20:52:44

my DP is a very attractive man and women do flirt with him a LOT if we go out. eg this weekend at festival they were everywhere ! he is 100% committed to me so I don't really notice any more tbh - but he doesnt have any stalkers


No wonder the OP never came back to this thread.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 18:53:58

Why it is that when a woman has abusive Ex Partners it is deserving of sympathy but when its a male who has abusive Ex Partners he generates "red flags"?

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 19:23:40

Cognitive dissonance?

Boomba Fri 06-Sep-13 19:57:11

Because that is the reality, a very large percentage of the time. And women have been disbelieved over these things way to often

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 19:59:08


Sounds probable

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 21:24:52


Mind you I'd swap my ex who used to stalk me for a bunch of those considering one minute he was trying to win me over and hug me and next he was threatening me so if anyone wants him go right ahead.

It's been a years anniversary of him not sending me nasty emails! :D

RhondaJean Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:26

I've got a theory.

My DH hasn't attracted this level of stalker but he knows how to talk to women as if they really matter. An old friend of mines who is well endowed said to me years ago "he was always the only guy in the pub who had a conversation with my face".

I have a friend who was single for years who similarly knew how to talk to women and he did get stalkers. Really bad ones.

I think there are certain women out there who are so low in self esteem or so starved of affection and respect that when a man comes along who treats them like a human being they get the idea tht there is more to it than there is. If its an ex who has had that effect I can imagine it could be quite potent.

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 14:04:59


No wonder the OP never came back to this thread

I get this and think some of the comments re the OP's ex are a bit strong. But MN is full of wisdom and those who think that he is culpable in some way are in the majority. I started a thread (with another name, a while ago, it was in another life). The responses shocked me and gave me a very different perspective. It helped me to change and escape a destructive situation.

I too think that it is not all about the women, there is something the man is doing. Negative patterns in successive relationships do usually point to some quality in the 'victim'. I would never blame the woman who attracts abusive relationships. I had a pattern myself of getting involved with EA men because I was a people-pleaser with low self esteem. Also seemed to be on a mission to find men who had 'issues' in the belief I could 'fix' them.

Once I realised that this was happening because of me I was able to stop it from happening again. I'm out of an EA marriage now and in a happier relationship, albeit a casual one, where I am not a pushover. It's been a revelation; I will never go back to the old, destructive pattern as it has opened my eyes and given me the confidence to break the vicious cycle.

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:55:33

sad I've had a couple of stalkers.
But then I also attract crazy people. Ohh wait, they are one and the same shock

Go figgure

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:58:03

SMH You folks just can't keep the newbie poster, canya sighh. hmm

I pointed out very early on that the DH was the common denominator, I'm not disagreeing with that.

Interesting that you slip and say "OP's ex" though - this man is her husband, who she's married to, and everyone's rabbiting "leave the bastard" like it's someone she met online and has had three dates with. Hardly helpful.

That's the ones who didn't stop reading at "socio-economic gap" and vanish into a frenzy of shoulder-chips.

The "LTB" culture on this board really gets on my wick sometimes. I mean, there's an acronym for crying out loud.

musicismylife Tue 10-Sep-13 23:01:56

Op, it sounds like you are stalking your DHs exes.

You seem to know a lot about them, looks, nationality, jobs.

Are you feeling threatened?

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 00:52:20

I would imagine that she is feeling threatened and if I were her the first thing I would do is find out everything I could about the women involved!

Are you suggesting she just ignores it?

peedoffbird Wed 11-Sep-13 03:11:39

I'm afraid my very first thought on reading the OP was that her dh may not be the innocent bystander that this is happening TO. This is not normal and he is at the centre of this.

Hope you're ok OP.

BerylStreep Thu 12-Sep-13 17:48:37

From reading your OP again, I think it sounds like your DH is a bit of a people pleaser, and needs to have better boundaries from the start with people.

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